“I just don’t even know what I want anymore.” – Brianna Hanson
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Finally realizing that I have to move on from this guy I was talking to cause we hung out for 7 months and it’s gone nowhere
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How do I plan for the future?
I can't bring myself to look more than a year ahead. I feel like I shouldn't even be here. Like I should've taken my life a long time ago.
I'm afraid of my future. At 17, I never would've thought I'd be this dependant. But here I am almost 30 and still relying on my parents. I can't lie, I don't even contribute much, it makes me feel painfully guilty because I rarely even do chores. I try and fail to care for myself properly.
I'm frustrated by my lack of stability. My parents are my only source of real comfort and stability. How could I ever live without them? Plenty of mentally ill people live alone... but also many of them are homeless or dependent. Who can tell me I'll be ok?
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Tw sh Drug mention
Happy new fucking year... I should be out with friends right now, but instead I am home and all alone. Writing on here. Writing fucking goodbye letters again. I don't really plan on acting on them, not for now at least. But I feel safe knowing I at least have a written apology to the ones I love in case something happens... or better, in case I do something. Only two people wished me a happy new year and one was my flatmate before she left for her party and the other one was our fucking neighbor with who i have never spoken before. Not even my mom wrote me a text. She does not know just how much I would have needed it... I checked multiple times for a short 'happy new year, I love you' text from her... but nothing. I don't blame her, not at all, she does not know I am all alone, she probably thinks I am at a party with friends and does not want to bother me. I am sure she will call tomorrow. She doesn't know how much I would have needed a reminder that someone loves me tonight... So here I am all alone, drinking all by myself, I also did the last of my good snow... the blades are out again too... I did not use them up until now... I try to distract myself. I don't want to give in. But at the same time I want nothing more than that sweet sweet numbness, those perfect little moments of peace, after you cut. And I already did other forms of sh, so would it even be that bad? But I did not cut for over a week now... this is the longest I went without in quite sometime. But it would put my mind to rest... I would finally feel calm again... but no fucking cutting... that was my promise, but I broke it already, but do I really want to start the new year by slitting up my thighs? Who am I kidding of course I want to... I just also know how fucking stupid and how fucking pathetic it would be... I don't want to be weak, but I don't know how to stay strong anymore... they know I love them right? They know I am sorry don't they? They know I don't do this to hurt them? I don't want to cause any pain to them, I don't want to be a burden... I don't want to hurt them, but I can't stand myself anymore, I can't get my mind to stop, I can't sleep and there is such an easy fix to this... just 1,2,3,4,5 cuts... just some small cuts, just some blood and I finally can call down. My mind will finally be quieter. It won't be bad, just small ones... just so I can rest. So… Happy fucking new year everyone
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Okay but people that listen to 'lifeline' by Joshua Bassett on repeat, are you guys okay??
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I have come to the conclusion that I am unlovable.
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I'm letting myself go
I'm letting myself feel
Everything
All the hurt and happiness
With everything in between
I want to feel everything
Be everything
I'm letting myself go
To be something new
Something more
I'm throwing out the handbook of all the rules I thought I should be following
I'm doodling and creating a new master piece of my own
I'm letting myself go
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It's a second breakfast kind of day
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If all art is supposed to express meaning what about art that's trying to express the lack of any meaning?
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Sometimes home doesn't mean a house,
And family doesn't mean blood
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They should invent a way to kill yourself that doesn’t disappoint anyone
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