Word Count: 1,819
Pairing: Akashi X Reader!Girlfriend
Summary: Akashi receives a package a day after a call.
NOTE: This was a request that was sent in a while back in my box. It’s not a freelance piece and you’ll understand why i didn’t do the usual q+ans post.
Since he started to take over his father’s business, Akashi had lost all his free time to it. He spent his mornings reading invoices; lunches checking his emails; and dinners alone in the dark, where only a sliver of light reached his spectacles as he massaged the bridge of his nose. The only thing that kept him from screaming at his frustration was his frequent lashes at those beneath him and the messages he got from you.
Akashi never felt as thankful as he did each day when he got a text message or a voice mail from you. You made him keep his sanity as he worked for days without rest; kept him grounded. There was never a day where he thought you were annoying, because to him you were his beloved, and nothing would ever change that.
Looking away from his screen for a second, he felt himself captivated by the picture he kept near another pile of folders. Holding the picture frame in his hand, he brushed the glass lovingly. There you were standing near him; a picture of the two of you from university. Your hair fixed in the usual hairstyle; your lips slightly open; eyes surprised. He chuckled quietly—Akashi had taken his hand away from your waist and let his fingers find yours before intertwining them.
You weren’t the type to show your affections outside, but being the man he is, he took advantage of it. He loved the way you looked when he took you by surprise. Loved the deer like characteristic of it and how your cheeks would turn into a pastel pink; the redness that would form right after you realized what happened.
He counted to himself quietly; realizing something. The warmth he felt receded as he was hit with the realization that he had not seen that for nearly four months. Four. Months.
Akashi felt his grasp around the frame loosen for a second. It hit his table, wobbling a bit before standing still.
Akashi had let you be alone for four months. He left you only memories of him and fading pictures of him in your life. As of right now, what was left of him in your life?
Before he could even pick up the phone to call you, he heard the familiar vibrate of his phone. Usually keeping it on silent, it only moved when he had mail. Typing in the passcode quickly, he turned on his phone, and tapped to his logs; dialing his voice mail to hear what was left for him.
‘Morning Seijuro!’ He smiled automatically. ‘I hope you had breakfast today, you didn’t forget again right?’ Murmuring a small no to himself, he listened on. ‘Seijuro I know you’re probably beating yourself over not seeing me for the past few months, but I did tell you it was fine. But…’
He heard you pause for a second as you took a shallow breath. That was quite odd. Akashi furrowed his eyebrows. ‘…Sorry I just got distracted, nothing that needs worrying.’
Did that meant he did need to worry? ‘As I was saying, can we go on a date this Thursday?’
What an odd day he thought and when he heard you say the very words himself, he chuckled.
‘I didn’t want to bother you, but I really…really…miss you. I don’t want to seem like I’m asking for much, but I can’t help it because I love you— ‘. He narrowed his eyes as he heard loud noises suddenly appear in the background, cutting you off as you hung up. This didn’t sound like your home; it didn’t sound like anything recognizable from it.
Feeling himself move on his own, he stopped the voice mail and moved his hand around his phone quickly. Typing in your number and calling you. Why did you sound anxious? Why did those sounds seem familiar? Why was his heart pounding?
Hearing the call hit voice mail, he sighed loudly. Taking a quick look at the clock, he saw it was two. “Afternoon, Love. The date doesn’t bother me at all. There was no need to sound sad over such a little request that I myself would also have asked for. I’ll pick you up on Thursday at your home around six—about two days from now. See you soon.”
Gently placing the phone on his desk, Akashi couldn’t help but feel oddly nervous over your words. Something was wrong, but what was it? If something was up, you would tell him right? Shaking his head, he pressed a hand against his forehead. Perhaps this anxiety was over the thought of seeing you again after such a long time. Nervousness—yes it was because he was nervous he told himself.
Letting himself forget his sudden rush of emotions, he took a second glance at the phone again before getting back to work. Turning on his computer, he viewed the articles he needed to take care of; erasing the uneasiness he felt with the sense of relief that he was going to hold you once again.
But he wasn’t going to he soon realized.
His office was a mess as papers laid crumpled on the ground around him. All the invoices, the letters, the reports—meaningless in comparison to what was in the package he received. Akashi couldn’t breathe as he saw everything he ever gave you in a perfect array inside a cardboard box.
The dried roses he gave you on the first date had lost its essence; the sweetness that lingered before had faded. The ribbon he helped you wear laid still with the help of the weight of the promise ring he placed on your delicate hand a while ago. The photos you took together; neatly kept with a rubber band. Everything he had gifted you; everything that was sent to compensate for the smile he was given…it was all sent back.
Shakily reaching inside of it, he took out the small envelope inside. The scrawl of his name on the front; a little heart sticker holding it closed; he tore it open.
Unfolding the letter inside, he felt himself gulp. “Don’t tell me you’re leaving me for someone else _____….”
He read, his eyes slowly taking in your words.
If you’re reading this, I must’ve screwed up right? Haha, I didn’t mean to, I swear!
I wanted to say something that I didn’t have the courage to say a few months back. Something I didn’t get a chance to even bring up.
You see I was diagnosed with Ischemic Heart disease—Coronary Artery Disease to be more I guess specific. My blood vessels narrowed suddenly during the end of our final year in university, but it was suppose to be fixable.
It seemed that something like mine were far too complicated for any doctor to fix. So there it began my little downfall you can call it. But you were there for me without even knowing it and I felt even more anger towards myself.
I was grateful that you loved me, but I hated that I was making you love me, the me who was healthy. I hated that I couldn’t find the courage in myself to tell you to stop loving me, because that would ease your pain. But, being the selfish person I am, I let you love me. I took advantage of your love when really I was fixing you into the spot of feeling the most pain; probably even more pain than what I’m feeling right now.
But I guess not all great things can last right? Some part of me was glad you got caught up in your work to not notice because then I would see you less and then I could feel at ease that that was my punishment for being too greedy.
So I endured it, the time lost from being with you got traded it for time spent in the hospital. The memories I had with you let me feel the bit of strength I kept losing. The voice mails I was able to send made me rest assure that I was helping you a bit even if I didn’t.
Seijuro…thank you for letting me love you and for letting me feel the warmth I was losing. Thank you for giving me something worth fighting for even if I wasn’t able to see your gaze again. Thank you for letting me be selfish for once.
His eyes blurred as he couldn’t read on. Akashi tried to make sense of everything as he desperately clung to your letter. Blindly, he ran his hand along each word and felt each deep scrawl in the lined paper. What were you doing when you were writing this? Were you in pain? Were you alone?
Akashi grew cold. Were you alone? He asked himself again. He felt all the air leave his lungs as he tried to stop himself from falling.
He let you be alone. He let you take the guilt. He let you suffer. Alone—all alone. Why were you thanking him when he was the selfish one for prioritizing his work over the love of his life? Why were you saying you were the selfish one?
“I’m the selfish one you idiot.” He whispered as he looked at the pile of photos. “I’M THE SELFISH ONE!”
Letting go of the letter, Akashi grabbed his head and held it hard. He ran his nails painfully down his scalp as tears fell down. It dampened his carpet; made it turn into a deeper shade of red.
It hit him all so suddenly as he began to mourn you. The familiar noises from the voice mail before were only familiar because he remembered the ones he heard from his mother’s bedside years back. The pause was because of your difficulty breathing as your heart couldn’t properly move the carbon dioxide away from your lungs. The sudden request was because you wanted to see him one last time.
Akashi wailed loudly as he realized what he lost. He couldn’t control himself as his heart screamed at the fact that he would never see your smile again. Felt himself break as he realized he would never see you ever again. He tried to wipe the constant trail of tears that continued to fall from his eyes. How could he have been so blind?
Clutching his chest, he crouched over the letter; protecting it as if it was truly you. It hurt all over. His world had come crashing down in this standstill of time—all that he worked for; believed in; all of it was lost.
But there was one thing that was eating away the little composure he had left as Akashi heard a door open from behind him.
He didn’t say ‘I love you’ in the voice mail he left for you.
Admin Nanacchi’s Note:
So if you guys are reading this after this
quite brutal angst that i totally did not mean to write, i just wanted to say thank you guys for giving me nearly 1.5k of followers ;; ~ ;;. I was afraid that since my semi-hiatus there would be a lack of love for my small little writing haven. (but yay for my short reading week.
I don’t know why i feel so attached to this angst almost, but I do know a few things.
1) As much as i enjoy writing fluff and happiness I live to write something sad and idk why. This ask was randomly chosen and I got an idea instantly.
2) My friend whom I still love and care for passed away from this disease. I didn’t remember the name of it, but when I was searching for a ‘death sentencing disease’ it popped up and you don’t know how hard it was to write the letter after. A while back when this blog first started a friend had to post on my behalf to say i was not writing for a day because of a mishap. That mishap was that my friend’s tumblr had been q’d to send me and some other friends letters written by him. They were dated 3 years forward aka 3 years was last year in the summer when my friend knew we all grew up without him. 3 years where i finally reached his age and there’s not a day where I don’t read the letter over and over again.
And why is this usually optimistic fanfic writer telling people who possible don’t care about this? well i guess this touched me a lot and i dont want to lose the fading existence that is my friend. That’s all.
Thanks for reading.