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jawn-steinbeck · 1 year

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2023 NFL Draft Grades: A Knee-Jerk Reaction

The mock drafts are over. The smokescreens have stopped. Most importantly, hundreds of young men have fulfilled their dreams of becoming professional football players. It normally takes about five years to properly assess a draft class; but, we’re doing it now! I’m sure these takes will age poorly come 2028, but here are the report cards for all 32 NFL teams based on the talent of their prospects, drafting them in relation to where they should have been taken, fulfilling team needs, and setting up for long term success.

Arizona Cardinals:

The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one. The approach of general manager, Monti Ossenfort, is clear: rebuild. Trading nine spots back in the first round to acquire more picks next year is paramount when you’re trying to reload on all sides of the ball. The old regime fancied themselves as contenders in the NFC West; but, in reality, they are nowhere close to San Francisco or Seattle and you can’t count out LA despite the worst Super Bowl hangover in history. The only gripe I have with the Cardinals’ draft is kowtowing to Kyler Murray’s demand for Paris Johnson Jr. when their defense is in shambles. Jalen Carter and Tyree Wilson were right there, but Johnson Jr. is still a solid prospect. They went defensive on day two with a safe choice in BJ Ojulari round two and a gamble in the injured but highly touted Garrett Williams in round three. Their Saturday was relatively unremarkable, but, again, the most important part of their draft was rebuilding. Oh, and good luck with Jonathan Gannon. You’ll need it.

Draft Grade: A-

Atlanta Falcons

As an Eagles fan, Bijan Robinson was second on my first round wishlist. The defending NFC champions can afford a luxury pick like that in the top ten; a fringe playoff team in Atlanta can’t. Robinson will immediately help Desmond Ridder and/or Taylor Heinicke, but this team needed help in the pass rush. Despite Zach Harrison being a sound pick in round three, there were much better options in the first two rounds. Matthew Bergeron was a reach at 38 and trading up for him made the selection even more puzzling. Clark Phillips III in round four was a steal though, especially if the newly-acquired Jeff Okudah doesn’t pan out.

Draft Grade: B-

Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens got the task at hand done hours before the draft started: signing Lamar Jackson. Giving him another weapon in Zay Flowers round one should also make Lamar happy; but, after signing Lamar, cornerback was the next priority. Despite Trenton Simpson and Tavius Robinson being great value picks in rounds three and four respectively, waiting until round five to address the secondary wasn’t the wisest decision. In addition to having one of the best names in the draft, Kyu Blu Kelly was a steal in round five, but they still could have gotten a more proven option earlier in the draft.

Draft Grade: B

Buffalo Bills

First of all, leapfrogging Dallas to get the tight end they desperately need is hilarious, especially when you look at the reaction of the Cowboys’ war room after it happened. Josh Allen running the 12 formation with Dawson Knox and now Dalton Kincaid will be fun to watch to say the least. Interior offensive line and linebacker were their biggest needs entering the draft, and they addressed them next with smart selections in O’Cyrus Torrence and Dorian Williams. The only thing keeping them from an A is not addressing the backfield, especially with a deep class this year.

Draft Grade: A-

Carolina Panthers

In order, Carolina had three major needs: quarterback, wide receiver, and edge rusher. They went right down the line, starting with the most pro ready signal caller in the draft in Bryce Young. Jonathan Mingo and DJ Johnson also filled their needs; but, there are questions if those were truly the best players at the position when they were on the clock. Their last two picks, Chandler Zavala and Jammie Robinson, could have gone in the third round, so getting them both on day three is a win. In a wide open NFC South, the Panthers may have set themselves up to be at the forefront of the race.

Draft Grade: A-

Chicago Bears

After protecting Justin Fields, the Bears just needed to take the best available players at the time to fill the multitude of holes on their roster. Darnell Wright shot up draft boards over the last few weeks, and the Bears feel like they got the trendy option to protect their franchise quarterback. Gervon Dexter and Tyrique Stevenson in round two, Zacch Pickens in round three, Roschon Johnson and Tyler Scott in round found, and Noah Sewell and Terrell Smith in round five were all either steals or great value picks. Having an extra first round pick next year certainly helps as well when Chicago is trying to get younger on both sides of the ball. They may not contend in the NFC North right away; but, they are certainly setting themselves up for success in the long run.

Draft Grade: A

Cincinnati Bengals

A team who makes back to back conference championship games can usually just go best available in the first round. But, with needs at right tackle and in the secondary, taking Myles Murphy - despite my liking of the player himself - was a bit of a head-scratcher. DJ Turner and Jordan Battle can be impact players in the secondary going forward, but completely ignoring the offensive line - which was their ultimate undoing against the Chiefs - is concerning. They got value with every pick, especially in Andrei Iosivas in the sixth round; but, this grade is more on addressing team needs rather than the quality of the draft picks themselves.

Draft Grade: B

Cleveland Browns

The Browns didn’t pick until the third round thanks to the trades for Deshaun Watson and Elijah Moore. Adding Cedric Tillman to join Moore and Amari Cooper should help Watson bounce back next year. Siaki Ika, Dawand Jones, Isaiah McGuire, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and Luke Wypler were all steals in relation to where they were drafted. They could have gone edge rusher on day two, but that’s a nitpick.

Draft Grade: A-

Dallas Cowboys

As previously mentioned, Dallas got the short end of the stick when Buffalo traded ahead of them to snag Dalton Kincaid. That hurts, but first round grade tight end, Michael Mayer, was a layup pick when they were on the clock. Instead, they went with Mazi Smith in a futile attempt to both stop the Eagles run up the middle and imitate the Eagles in drafting a defensive tackle round one (rent free, baby!) They addressed the tight end position next, but Luke Schoonmaker felt like a reach when the likes of Darnell Washington and Tucker Kraft were on the board. Deuce Vaughn could be a steal in round six at a position of need, but they could have addressed the backfield way, way earlier in the draft. The rest of their picks range from uninspiring to “who?”

Draft Grade: C-

Denver Broncos

It’s hard to gauge a draft class of just five picks, especially with the first pick not coming until the end of the second round. But, with Seattle getting incredible value with the picks that Denver gave them and Russell Wilson mightily struggling in his first season, the Broncos look like the immediate losers of the deal. If Sean Payton can help Chef Russ lead them back to AFC contention, they’ll forget all about the picks they missed out on. But, that’s a big if. Hats off for the selections of Drew Sanders and Riley Moss, though.

Draft Grade: B

Detroit Lions

The Lions must have a *completely* different draft board than everyone else because I (and many people who know the draft better than I do) found myself saying, “That was a reach” with their first three picks in Jahmyr Gibbs at 12, Jack Campbell at 18, and Sam LaPorta at 34. They had pressing needs on the defensive side of the ball, especially at interior line and cornerback, so ignoring those positions until late round three and…never, respectively, felt unwise. Brian Branch was a great pick at 45, but he’s more of a safety or slot corner rather than an outside cornerback. As for Hendon Hooker, he could be a steal in the third round with an already great offense around him. In regards to the D’Andre Swift trade, as an Eagles fan, thank you. As a football fan, what were you thinking? I get that you needed to move on from him when you signed David Montgomery and drafted Gibbs, but a seventh this year and a fourth in two years is nothing compared to his value.

Draft Grade: C

Green Bay Packers

The most important thing in the first post-Aaron Rodgers draft was supplanting Jordan Love with options. With literally every pass catcher on the board at 13, going with an edge rusher seems off, especially with how deep of a class this was. However, they made up for it on day two by adding Jayden Reed to the wide receiver room and giving Love two safety blankets in Luke Musgrave and Tucker Kraft at tight end. I’m also a fan of three of their day three selections: Dontayvion Wicks, Karl Brooks, and Carrington Valentine. Outside of the Lukas Van Ness pick on the first night, I approve of this draft class.

Draft Grade: B+

Houston Texans

What were the Texans to do at the start of the draft, we all wondered. Do they take (insert quarterback here) or does DeMeco Ryans get a game-changing defensive lineman? General manager, Nick Caserio, quoted the little kid in the taco commercial: why don’t we have both? Taking C.J. Stroud and trading up for Will Anderson Jr. gives them the hearts of both sides of the ball right away. A first round pick next year to do this might seem costly at first, especially for a rebuilding team like Houston. But, when you look at the bevy of picks they got for Deshaun Watson, they can afford to take a swing like that. I also approve of the selections of Juice Scruggs, Nathaniel Dell, and Henry To’oTo’o. They may be a year or two away from contending for a playoff spot; but, like Arizona, they’re realistically setting up for the long run.

Draft Grade: A

Indianapolis Colts

Everyone and their mother knew that the Colts had to go quarterback at four. With Young and Stroud off the board, Indy went with the upside in Anthony Richardson over a more conventional pick in Will Levis. Richardson might be more of a project, but an AFC South team like the Colts can afford the wait. My only gripe is they didn’t address the offensive line until round four, but the combination of Julius Brents, Josh Downs, Blake Freeland, Adetomiwa Adebawore, Darius Rush, Daniel Scott, and Jaylon Jones has all the makings of a franchise-altering draft class.

Draft Grade: A-

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars’ primary objective going into round one was getting a blindside tackle for Trevor Lawrence given Cam Robinson’s upcoming suspension. They did just that by taking Anton Harrison; but, he also felt like a bit of a reach at 27. That being said, Jacksonville could afford to reach after smartly trading down twice to acquire more draft capital. I’m a big fan of a draft class featuring Brenton Strange, Tank Bigsby, Yasir Abdullah, Antonio Johnson, Parker Washington, and Derek Parish, especially for a team who simply needed to get the best available player on the board after taking Harrison.

Draft Grade: A-

Kansas City Chiefs

The rich got richer in their home city. Replacing Frank Clark with Felix Anudike-Uzomah and giving Patrick Mahomes a potential WR1 in Rashee Rice felt like home runs in the first two rounds. Wanya Morris and Keondre Coburn were also great value picks in rounds three and six respectively. Not much to say about the rest of the class, but that doesn’t really matter for the defending champs.

Draft Grade: A-

Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders’ two biggest needs were offensive tackle and cornerback, so doing nothing of note at either position didn’t sit right with me. That’s not to belittle the selection of Tyree Wilson, though. He and Maxx Crosby should set up a terrifying combination at edge rusher. Replacing Darren Waller with Michael Mayer was a wise move, but it just feels like the Raiders could have done more with this draft.

Draft Grade: B

Los Angeles Chargers

I’d make a joke about the Chargers taking a bunch of TCU players, but my favorite team has drafted half of the defensive starters on a Georgia national champion team. The primary objective of this draft for the Bolts was to give Justin Herbert more weapons. They did so right away, but Quentin Johnston seems like a weird pick when Zay Flowers and Jordan Addison were both available. Then again, I have trust issues with TCU wide receivers who were drafted 21st overall. Tuli Tuipulotu and Daiyan Henley should contribute almost immediately to a front seven that could use some help, but, again, there were better players available. They just hope they won’t have to play Max Duggan; but, if they do, they could certainly do worse for a rookie quarterback. It wasn’t a bad draft for LA’s *other* team, but it was far from great.

Draft Grade: B

Los Angeles Rams

For a team that notoriously said, “F them picks,” they certainly made a lot of them - fourteen to be exact, the most of any team this weekend. For a team that won the Super Bowl just a year ago, they needed to rebuild across the board. Steve Avila and Byron Young should be immediate contributors in the trenches where they struggled last season. Tre’Vius Hodges-Tomlinson was one of the most underrated cornerbacks in this class and the Rams got a bargain taking him in the fifth round. As for Stetson Bennett, he’s found himself in a great situation. He can learn behind another successful Georgia quarterback in Matthew Stafford and he’s had success at SoFi Stadium. His age may hold him back from being a franchise quarterback for over ten years, but he has the tools to develop into a competent starter in the event of a Stafford injury or his retirement. The other ten guys they picked: I admittedly don’t know much about them, but you figure at least some of them have to pan out…right?

Draft Grade: A-

Miami Dolphins

Boy, that first round pick could’ve come in handy, couldn’t it? Missing out on both Tom Brady a few years ago and an immediate player this year stings. To make matters worse, Miami made a string of questionable decisions. They had needs at tight end and linebacker and decided to pass on those positions completely. I know they only selected four players, but Cam Smith felt like a reach in round two and taking a smaller running back in Devon Achane was odd when they could have used a bruiser up the middle like Tank Bigsby or Roschon Johnson. Elijah Higgins in the sixth was a good pick, though.

Draft Grade: C

Minnesota Vikings

Pairing Justin Jefferson with Jordan Addison will certainly help Kirk Cousins this season and whomever their quarterback is in 2024 and beyond. Missing out on the second round because of the TJ Hockenson trade is no biggie, especially for an already competitive team. That being said, they could have gotten a better cornerback than Mekhi Blackmon. That’s been a need of theirs for…well, a while. The Vikings needed to get younger at safety and on the defensive line and they did just that with a pair of LSU products in Jay Ward and Jacquelin Roy. Some pundits considered Jaren Hall to be the best quarterback outside of this year’s top five, so getting him in the fifth is a great value, especially if he can develop into Cousins’ successor. DeWayne McBride was also a steal in round seven with some scouts considering him a late day two/early day three prospect.

Draft Grade: A-

New England Patriots

In order for the Patriots to compete in a brutal AFC East, they need to make sure Mac Jones doesn’t repeat his sophomore slump. For that reason, going defense with their first three picks wasn’t the move, especially when their defense was already one of the best in the league. Christian Gonzalez, Keion White, and Marte Mapu should all be great pros, but failing to give Jones a playmaker or help in front of him early lowers their draft score.

Draft Grade: B-

New Orleans Saints

Outside of not replacing the newly traded Adam Trautman, the Saints had a very good three days. They gave their defensive front a much needed jolt with their first two selections, Bryan Bresee and Isaiah Foskey. Kendre Miller was also a wise selection as Alvin Kamara’s status for next year is questionable with a possible suspension. Developing Jake Haener behind a fellow Fresno State Bulldog in Derek Carr seems like a worthwhile investment. Their steal of the draft was A.T. Perry in the sixth round, giving them another big-bodied receiver to support the oft injured Michael Thomas.

Draft Grade: B+

New York Giants

The Giants got three immediate starters in Deonte Banks, John Michael Schmitz, and a third round steal in Jalin Hyatt. The rest of their class was underwhelming and they failed to address a sizable need at linebacker. Could’ve been a better three days but it easily could’ve been much worse.

Draft Grade: B

New York Jets

After securing Aaron Rodgers, the next step was giving him a better offensive line. The top tier of linemen went before their pick at 15, but they could’ve been more aggressive like the Steelers, who jumped them to take Broderick Jones at 14. Even with the top four blockers gone, Will McDonald IV was a huge reach, especially with better pass rushers like Nolan Smith and Myles Murphy still on the board. Joe Tippmann should start on the interior week one, but waiting until the fourth to take a backup to the oft injured Mekhi Becton was unwise. Zach Kuntz could be a sneaky good pick in the final round, but Joe Douglas had a bit of a lazy approach this past weekend.

Draft Grade: B-

Philadelphia Eagles

Note to the other 31 general managers: when Howie Roseman calls, you probably shouldn’t pick up. Jalen Carter was always the primary objective in round one, so giving up a fourth next year to insure that they got him was certainly the move, especially since the Eagles are projected to have double digit picks in 2024. The main critique on Carter was his legal issue, but there are few - if any - cultures in the NFL that are more character-driven and accountable than Philadelphia’s. Reuniting him with his mentor, Jordan Davis, will only behoove him. I’m still amazed that Nolan Smith, whom some considered to be the third best edge rusher in a very deep class, slid all the way to 30, but Roseman was more than happy to get him without moving up. He’s reunited with his best friend, Nakobe Dean, and plays a similar style to his new teammate, the elite Haason Reddick. Speaking of Georgia Bulldogs, how about giving up one of those many 2024 picks for Kelee Ringo and trading a 2025 pick for D’Andre Swift? Third round picks, Tyler Steen and Sydney Brown, should also make an immediate impact, and their seventh round selection of Moro Ojomo was another example of Howie’s highway robbery.

Draft Grade: A+

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers had three primary objectives this draft: protect Kenny Pickett’s blindside, draft a starting caliber cornerback, and add to the front seven to take some pressure off of TJ Watt. They did just that by moving up for Broderick Jones, creating one of the draft’s feel good stories by selecting Joey Porter Jr., and adding both Keeanu Benton and Nick Herbig. The icing on the cake was selecting Darnell Washington in the third, giving Kenny Pickett another playmaker to help his development.

Draft Grade: A

San Francisco 49ers

The forty-whiners didn’t have much draft capital to utilize with the deals for Trey Lance and Christian McCaffrey, the former of which isn’t looking too good for them already. San Francisco’s ultimate undoing in the NFC Championship was their failure to protect Brock Purdy and later Josh Johnson, so selecting zero offensive linemen wasn’t the best decision. Outside of the selection of Ji’Ayir Brown, this was a weird draft for the NFC runner up.

Draft Grade: D

Seattle Seahawks

The 12s were hoping that an early run on quarterbacks would result in Will Anderson Jr. falling into their lap, but Houston had other ideas. Devon Witherspoon is far from a bad consolation prize, setting up a scary cornerback tandem with Tariq Woolen. Throw in the return of Jamal Adams and you have yourself the Legion of Boom redux. With zero pass catchers off the board when they selected again at 20, they couldn’t resist adding Jaxon Smith-Njigba to the mix with DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett, creating one of the league’s best trio of wide receivers. Derick Hall, Cameron Young, and Mike Morris will also help revive a front seven that was Seattle’s ultimate weakness last year. Zach Charbonnet and later Kenny McIntosh creates an interesting running back committee with Kenneth Walker III. This was another banner draft for John Schneider.

Draft Grade: A

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tampa desperately needed to rebuild in the trenches and they did just that with high value selections in Calijah Kancey, Cody Mauch, and YaYa Diaby. SirVocea Dennis and Jose Ramirez also add hope for the future of their second level, especially if Devin White gets his wish of being traded. They also needed to get younger options for Baker Mayfield/Kyle Trask and both Payne Durham and Trey Palmer are intriguing picks. The NFC South is anyone’s game. Tampa didn’t make a strong case to run away with it, but they’re still in the thick of it.

Draft Grade: B+

Tennessee Titans

With Ryan Tannehill on the last year of his deal and Malik Willis looking awful in 2022, the Titans desperately needed a future signal caller. Acquiring the polarizing Will Levis puts both of them in a good situation. He won’t be thrust into action behind a shaky offensive line (that did admittedly improve with Peter Skoronski and sixth round bargain pick, Jaelyn Duncan) and the Titans can still make a run in the mediocre AFC South. Levis and Tannehill could both use better pass catchers, so waiting until the fifth round to draft one was odd. Taking Tyjae Spears in the third round is incredibly risky given his injury history, and the Titans could have taken a longer term option with that selection or, better yet, waited until later in the draft with plenty of day three options available.

Draft Grade: B

Washington Commanders

The Commanders’ biggest needs were improving the secondary and interior line and they successfully accomplished both tasks. Emmanuel Forbes and Jartavius Martin will both be day one starters in the secondary. Their next two selections, Ricky Stromberg and Braden Daniels, provide much needed depth in the trenches. Not much to say about Washington other than those four picks, but they made the most out of those first four. And, the fans got their ultimate win with Dan Snyder finally selling the franchise.

Draft Grade: B+

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allthewritem0ves · 2 years

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Sticky Situation

Part 2 of The Road to Christmas With The Whos

“Hey, Snerz!”, a guard yelled through the bars at his cell.

“What?”, he answered in an irritated voice.

“Someone sent you something.”

Snerz turns around to notice a package in the guard’s hand. He gets up and takes it. “What is it?”

“No clue. Enjoy.” The guard walks away.

Snerz eyes the box in front of him. “Hmm, just in time for the holidays. It better not be from Mother.”

He opens it and finds a cake inside. He raises an eyebrow. “Really? Well, can’t complain about a free sweet.” Unfortunately, knives are out of bounds for prisoners lest they be used as weapons.

Then he finds a note at the bottom of the box.

Snerz

Don’t cut into this while in your cell. This is a fake cake filled with Goo-Lacka-Goo. Wait until nightfall. I’ll be waiting outside the window to free you

Signed, Phillip

“Goo-Lacka-Goo? Is he crazy?”

——

Later that evening, Snerz lay on his bed waiting for Phillip to get his escape plan into action. The guards had called lights out. Snerz didn’t need to be told that twice. Even he knew that Goo-Lacka-Goo was attracted to the hottest thing in the room. He could only hope that it didn’t pop out of that cake too soon.

Then there was the sound of helicopter blades getting closer. Snerz looked out his window and noticed Phillip Trousers using his necktie rotor flyer.

“Did you cut it yet?”, he asked in a harsh whisper.

“No. What do you intend to do?”

Just then, another person flew in with a necktie just like Phillip’s. He had vibrant red hair and a scar running across his cheek and the bridge of his nose, just missing his eye.

“Who are you?”, Snerz asked.

“Kyler Twotymer, Mr. Snerz. At your service”, he said. He then got to work welding the bars apart, occasionally pausing to look out for guards. Phillip wasn’t really helping in that regard. He was too busy flossing the food out of his teeth using his fingernail.

The welding torch was starting to attract the Goo-Lacka-Goo in the cake because it was rumbling on the table. Snerz looked over his shoulder, noticing this. “Hurry!”

“Almost…got it!” Kyler pulls the bars away and throws them down. He pulls a knife out of his jacket arsenal and hands it to Snerz, hilt first. “Cut the cake and run to the window as fast as possible!”

Snerz takes the knife and walks over to the cake. He pokes the confection lightly. A thin layer of goo sprays out of the puncture hole. He then rams the knife in and runs to the window. “All right! I did it!”

Kyler tosses him a necktie. “Put this on and follow us!”

——

The next day, the prison had Goo-Lacka-Goo oozing out of every window and door like an overfilled jelly doughnut. News vans had to stop a hundred feet away from the site to avoid getting caught in the mess while firefighters and chemists tried to keep the goo at bay.

Meanwhile, Snerz, Phillip and Kyler had set up base in an abandoned house ten miles outside of Glurfsburg.

“Thanks again, you two”, Snerz said, swallowing his pride long enough to make a genuine thank you.

“No problem”, Kyler said. “Phillip explained the whole plan where you intend to get back at Sam-I-Am.”

“How did you find him anyway?”, Snerz asked turning to Phillip.

“Oh, I went into this wretched hive of baddies and told my story. They all thought I was crazy, but when I said the last name, I-Am, that caught Twotymer’s attention and he wanted in. So I accepted him.”

“Yep. Then we set up a little HQ in my old house”, Kyler finished.

“One more thing. How do you know the name ‘I-Am’”, Snerz asked.

A smug grin formed on Kyler’s face. “I was once asked to take out someone with that name. His wife was livid with me. She was so pathetic.”

Phillip then asked, “Did you know his wife’s name, by any chance?”

“No. Just his.”

“Well I knew his wife. Her name was Pam-I-Am. Guess we have two common enemies now.”

——

For the next three days, the trio of villains drove through Glurfsburg undercover, hoping to catch Sam, Pam or anyone they knew and hopefully get a solid plan formulated.

Then one evening, they followed Sam to a house in the suburbs of town. It was the Weebie-Am-I house. Guy and Michellee were setting up decorations outside while Sam was both helping E.B. set up indoor decor and looking after Guy Jr.

“So, Michellee’s now a mother of two”, Snerz commented.

“You know that woman?”, Phillip asked.

“Of course. She’s a former employee of mine.” He scanned over the lights and tinsel the couple were putting on the porch and around the windows. “I think I have an idea…”

#green eggs and ham #snerz #philip trousers #misspelling #oc #jailbreak #fanfic

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