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#land before swine
a-dinosaur-a-day · 9 months
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Gravity Falls would be a perfect show if that travesty of a dinosaur themed episode didn’t exist
“Dinosaurs aren’t monsters, they’re just big lizards”
> Meig takes 100000 hit points of psychological damage
“It’s a puhTerodactyl, bro”
> another 20 points
“Stand right in front of it, it’s eyes are so far apart it won’t be able to see us”
> another 100 points
“[constantly calling a pterosaur not only a pterodactyl but also a dinosaur]”
> one million points damage
Like. Gravity falls is one of the few things on this earth I like in spite of its dinosaur content, not because of.
Yes, I know, it is a children’s cartoon, I’m not like attacking Alex Hirsch for his crimes, I’m just kvetching on my dinosaur blog which is for dinosaurs
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cbmagus49 · 2 years
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7 days ‘til the 10th anniversary!!
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Today’s prompt is Favourite Location. I don’t often do backgrounds or scenery so this was a fun challenge! I may have gotten a bit carried away ‘^^
I chose the absolutely gorgeous abandoned mine from Land Before Swine. I’m a sucker for sprawling caverns full of glowing things with light streaming down from above, and this one has giant mushrooms! And dinosaurs!! What’s not to love :D
@gf10yearslaterzine
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disneypinss · 8 days
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hot topic - mabel and dipper hug
released: ?
open edition
link
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After watching the Jurassic World movie then celebrating Gravity Falls 10th anniversary, I have to wonder , what happened to that t Rex hooked up to the shackotron??? Any ideas?
Well, after the chaos subsided, he probably got up and wandered dazedly into the forest…where he was discovered by the manotaurs, who were unable to resist the opportunity to do the most macho thing ever: aka capture and start training their own pet tyrannosaurus.
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nenoname · 2 years
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Land Before Swine Secret Commentary Transcript
aka the in-character Stan one
aka the only one that’s on youtube at the time of me writing this. 
…I’ll get to the other ones later. When I feel like it. Also dang Stan says “y’know” a lot.
Disclaimer: my hearing is shot so take this as you will
Stan: Ah, hello? Is this thing on? Testing, hello? Uh, hi there, listeners. I’m Grunkle Stan! What’s this down here?
I was promised a plate of bacon– is there bacon for me? No, I’m not gonna do this for free. …Alright they just gave me a dollar. Gimme two.
Okay, okay– alright, hi, hey! It’s me, Grunkle Stan. So here’s the deal; apparently my sweaty grandnephew, Dipdop, was recording the entire summer with Soos’ video camera, like a little weirdo? Like every single thing we did, the entire summer he was recording. That’s-that’s what we’re watching right now. It’s kinda creepy that he did that. He gets that from Ford, I think. That and his inability to make eye contact with women.
Anyway, he wanted me to, I dunno, give commentary on this day of… our lives? That he recorded? Like a school project or something? So here I am. Here’s my voice– crank up the volume! You really wanna hear that gravel. You want your neighbors to hear it too. It takes, it takes a lot of really bad livin’ to sound this way, so (laughs) I earned it. Enjoy. 
Um, I dunno what this (referring to the opening) is. Guess Dipper cut together a musical montage of various moments. Fairly professional! Frankly it’s embarrassing he spent that much time on it.
So, uh, so yeah, this was a day in my life. This was uh, a regular old day. Little bit of scamming people. Little bit of punching dinosaurs in the face. Y’know I get why Dipper wanted my commentary. I mean, I’m a pretty great man so I understand why he wanted to hear my perspective on things, uh, I have a lot to say.
(coughs) So many pearls of wisdom, um��� Let’s see ah, what’s new in my life… I went to the doctor today. Well it wasn’t a doctor so much that he was Soos dressed in a lab coat, reading webmv (??) off of his phone. “Y’know I think I’m gonna give my life savings to some quack with a medical degree?” No! Not gonna happen. Y’know I heard on the AM radio that vaccines lets the government read your thoughts– nice try, Uncle Sam!! Go back to Russia!
Anyway, who wants to hear about my various body problems? You name it, I’ve got it. Hernia? Got it. Abnormal rashes? Ho, ho, you gotta believe I’ve got abnormal rashes. Who’s got two thumbs and a liver that’s hanging by a thread? This guy, baby! Let’s see, what other body problems do I have? According to Soos, I got boxer’s ear, money lung, brass knuckles, sailor’s mouth, ingrown eyebrows, Achilles everything… something called “super gout”! Dog pox, seasonal squash nose, chronic uncle jokes, tooth flu, strep leg, something called “face worm”… Y’know when an earthquake is coming, my knee swells up and when a musical festival is coming, my fist swells up in rage. I’m also partially deaf because my ears are next to my mouth and I’ve been diagnosed with having no indoor voice.
And now to read you my current blood pressure statistics– warning! They’re terrible. Oh, wait, sorry, there’s a sticky note here from Dipper. It says “Don’t talk about your body problems.” I guess I’m supposed to talk about the video? I dunno, I mean… what is there to say? I’m trying to give the people what they want. Let’s talk about the day.
Um, I remember it was really hot, that’s the first thing. Uh, y’’know Dipper and Soos, they went off on some kinda journey. Y’know Dipper and Mabel's mom, they said “keep a close eye on these kids over the course of the summer. Don’t let them get into trouble. Don’t let them wander into any cemeteries or off of any cliffs. Keep them away from sharp objects.” –But they didn’t say anything about monsters so I think I’m covered, honestly.
Let’s see, what happened? I mean, it was just like any other day in Gravity Falls! I um, I got outta bed. I did three hundred pushups. I ate some steamed carrots… (laughs) Nah, c’mon, what do I look like, a sucker? You only live once, friends.
Here’s a real routine from Grunkle Stan; I got outta bed, ate a basket of cold cinnamon rolls I found in a drawer, laid on the carpet for like an hour until Soos came and poked me with a stick. Y’know that’s basically how most of my days start up. Then I went into the basement to work on that darn portal. I mean, I can talk about that right? Cat’s outta the bag now? Yeah, y’know, I was working on that portal everyday. You see me here being a bear of a man, a leader, a titan of industry. But, uh, off camera, prior to this adjusting my tie in the mirror, I was downstairs trying to figure out how to get my brother back from that dimension that he… through various means wound up in. Partially my fault. Partially his. Who could really say? Y’know the point is, I wasn’t just the curmudgeon I look like here. Every morning I would go downstairs, I would work on trying to figure out on how to get him outta there, y’know? Um, part of my daily routine, I was tightening screws, trying to teach myself highschool maths so I could get the thing up and running. I also did a lotta punching the portal, like the jukebox. And let's not forget that toxic waste I stole! Yeah those are some good memories.
So y’know, everyday it’d be something like this; I’ll work on the portal, break some things so Soss has some stuff to fix, get on my suit and give a tour like the one ya looking at. Y’know I like to mix it up on my tour, um, I mean sometimes I like to take people through the Shack. Sometimes I show them taxidermies, sometimes optical illusions.
This corn, this unicorn made of corn, I brought that at a rummage sale. Um, I shoulda known someone would eat it. I kinda had a running pool with Wendy that it’d get eaten by Soos or Dipper or Mabel. Forgot about the pig. Probably should’ve bet on the pig.
So y’know here’s the kid up in the attic, just in the dark like a creep, like a weirdo. I mean, I don’t understand, I feel like all photographers, there’s something wrong with their heads. They’re passively observing life– like not like me! Grabbing life by the horns and making money off of it, uh, because I could make money off of anything! The key of being a showman is turning anything into an attraction. Like I have this pool of stagnant water that collected by the front door after the radiator broke. So I called it the “Befuddle Puddle” and charge an extra dollar to see your reflection. “Feeling befuddled yet?!” is what I say to the people. And I also glue a lotta things to other things to make a thing that’s new! So you give a turban to an armadillo; now it’s a “carmadillo”! Glue a cat to another cat; now ya got a double cat. 
Sometimes people point out that they just drove ten miles to see a wet floor and a bunch of angry cats glued to each other and that’s when you gotta defuse the situation with comedy. Um, y’know, I’m always doing different material, I’m sorta an amateur comedian– can, can I swear on this thing? There’s a guy who’s shaking his head at me, he’s giving a thumbs down, he’s doing a cross your throat thing with his finger. I’m-I'm not sure, is that a “yes”? I can swear? Now, he’s freaking out– he just ran out of the room. Alright, maybe I’ve got to watch my mouth on this thing, um but, ya not getting the full experience, kids! I’m pretty hilarious without the censors breathing down my neck. People always ask me, “Stan, where do you get your material?” A little word to the wise, for aspiring comedians out there; bumper stickers.
When ya step onto the road right there, I’ve never seen a bumper sticker that didn’t make me laugh like, heh, on the way here this morning, I saw one that said “driver carries no cash– hE’S MARRIED!” (laughs so hard he begins to choke) Oh lord… urgh, that’s my money lung actin’ up, one sec (giggles) “He’s married…” Guh, I mean, I don’t have a crowd around me right now but if I did they’d be laughing as hard as I just was. Y’know it’s a little, it’s a play on social mores etcetera.
Um, ah, whatta we lookin’ at here? I guess Dipper somehow got his camera into my mind? Not really sure how he did this but um, yeah I’m pretty good at weaving a yarn and this was a tale I told to Mabel to um, y’know make her see the real me because sometimes the truth is hiding within a lie. Y’know like, you might tell a lie like uh “I fought a monster for your pig” and the truth is you’re directly responsible for the pig getting stolen b-but the deeper truth is you would’ve fought a monster, right? It’s like a, it’s sorta like a truth turducken; lie, truth, lie, truth– y’know who’s really to say what is real and what is not? Certainly not Soos! He has no idea what’s real.
So, uh, y’know, let’s see… jokes…. I told you about my medical problems, um… heh alright, okay I know what Dipper wants to hear, I know why he asked me to do this. He wants to know a little bit about the real Grunkle Stan. Y’know, you guys see this paragon of attractiveness and virtue- you don’t learn the warts and all.
You probably want to hear about my ex-wife, right? Okay? There’s not much to tell, I bring her up every now and again. I tell jokes. Uh, sometimes comedy comes from a place of pain and I, y’know, was actually married for less than a day. Vegas situation. Reach for the same slot machine handle and it was love at first sight. Marilyn. Had hair like an airline stewardess and a neon pink shirt that said “over thirty and very flirty.” Man, I was putty in her hands. You shoulda seen the way she threw dice. One time right at my head! Turns out she only married me to distract me while she stole my car and all my winnings. And I guess her name was fake and her hair was fake, but y’know the love was real. She really was the one that got away. Like literally. It was a proper getaway. She was chased by cop cars for about a mile outta Vegas before ducking out of a door into a canyon and making off with all my loot. Sometimes I still think of her. That pale bingo hall skin. That one weirdly sharp tooth. S-sorry I’m getting nostalgic– point is, yeah! I had love in my life once and uh y’know, it bit me. And I learnt a bit of a lesson from that which is ya open your heart and blood comes out and ya die. So, y’know, try not to be a sap like I was.
Let’s see, let’s talk about what’s going on here, uh… This is the only time you’ll see me step foot in a building with any kinda spiritual significance, I’ll say that much. Urgh gosh, this guy. So, yeah, Old Man McGucket, he’s kinda a liability and uh, I guess he helped us save the world with that robot and whatever but, uh, prior to realising he was a genius, he was mainly just a nuisance. Like I think I ran him over with my car a couple of times? Like he’s like a possum, he just runs out onto the middle of the road. (laugh) I mean, everyone in Gravity Falls has run over Old Man McGucket at least once. It’s, it’s kinda a rite of passage when you’re in that town.
Obviously I didn’t want him on this mission, y’know, McGucket-ing up the whole thing, he was a liability, let’s face it! Various tales we didn’t need to hear. That gold tooth glinting in my eye, distracting me all the time… Uh, yeah I’m pretty sure he was responsible for getting us to… fall off of this thing… wait, let’s wait and see… yeah, there it is- called it! His fault. Sometimes I remember things being someone else’s fault but this case I was right! All McGucket.
So yeah, this day, the other thing I remember about it was, uh, it represented a real missed opportunity for me because this coulda been a great tourist trap. Right? Like, Land… Time Forgot. Park of Jurassic Creatures, uh. I can’t think of a great name for it but y’know, Dino Fun Wacky Sap Town Park, something like that. I mean just picture what this woulda been like. Okay this is a once in a lifetime dream, to charge saps to literally look at sap. Like I’m always scamming people but pun-based scams, that’s the sweetest. I coulda made that happen! Sadly I lost the chance when the place caved in at the end of the day, you’ll see.
The dinosaur mishap kinda gets outta hand. The whole thing goes bottoms up. Y’know, I suppose Sixer might be able to make some sorta drill that could get me back down to the dinosaur cave with some real attractions. Like his inventions always backfire, like (laughs) like this one time in high school, he’ll hate that i’m talking about this so, should I talk about this?
Yeah, I’ll do it, okay. So this one time in high school, my brother, Stanford– well, it started out like this; so Fordsy had a fear of girls ever since Cathy Crenshaw got freaked out by his hand in third grade, uh, those of you listening, I’ve got a brother, he’s got six fingers. It’s kinda cool, he’s great at piano, y’know? He could do really cool like, shadow puppets but uh, in elementary school, kids could be cruel and uh, I guess it sorta traumatised him? He tried to hold a girl’s hand. She spilled punch on his head and ever since then he had a hard time talking to girls, unlike- unlike myself. That’s life.
Anyway, cut to high school, the guy’s never kissed a girl, prom is coming up and he asked me for advice. “Stanley, I know things have been a little weird between you and me with college but can you talk to me about girls?” Um, and y’know, I said, uh “whatever you do, don’t be yourself. You’re gonna freak ‘em out. Act like me!” And so we tried for a couple of days, we actually traded places. He dressed up as me, I dressed up as him and I was hoping that would make the ladies flock to him. But instead he was ruining my reputation, right? Like he was destroying my game all over the place so we switched back. I said “you’re a hopeless case” and he, (laughs) his solution as he is wont to do was to build like a kissing practice robot, okay. 
It was basically a mannequin head with a rubik's cube for a mouth and a siren attached to its head that would go off if you were kissing it wrong. Like he read a bunch of Mom’s magazines for women about men and programmed that into the machine so the only way to get the siren to stop is for you to learn to kiss properly. Anyway, cut to all of us in gym class, the head falls out of his gym bag. The siren starts going off. The only way to stop the thing is for him to kiss it in front of the whole class! (laughs) Ah, man! Ha… he was still more popular than me. Not my fault. 
I dunno, I just have an excess of personality. Some people get jealous… Dad always taught me that the way to get people to respect you is to punch the biggest person in any room, the first time you enter that room. But if you do that in school then apparently you have “rage problems” quote unquote according to the counselor. Darn hippy. 
Childhood, y’know, is hard! It’s hard, guys! No matter how you slice it, right? Like it’s clearly not easy on these kids. I think I was a pretty good caretaker though. I mean, all things considered. Okay, let’s get real, guys. The pig’s cute, okay? Like I knew the pig was cute from day one. You see it in that nest. You’re feeling it. I’m feeling it. Looking at it and you feel your desire to eat bacon slightly subsiding… I mean a lil’ bit. Like five percent. I, I didn’t actually want the pig to get eaten by wolves, y’know. I was just hoping I could just get it outta my crosshairs so that it wouldn’t get in the way of my various amazing jokes and… y’know I was a lil’ worried that it might get lost in the portal so I wanted it out of the house. But I didn’t want this to happen, alright?
So what you’re watching right here, me tussling with a pig, getting attacked by a dinosaur, plummeting into a ravine, this was not how I expected this day to wind up. But, uh, push comes to shove, y’know, I’m not a bad guy, right? Like… how many of you, looking at this video right now, how many of you think that I’m gonna let this pig get eaten by a monster? Is that what you think of me? Not gonna do it. Not gonna happen.
The fez. Y’know sometimes people ask about my fez and there might be some people listening to in Dipper’s class that might be curious, yeah that’s actually my old man’s, actually. That belonged to my dad. Um, he’d come home late, first Thursday or second Thursday of every month. He had this Masonic lodge? That he was a part of? The Loyal Order of the Holy Mackerel, something like that. It’s just a bunch of old guys who worshiped a fish in a tank and they did a bunch of weird rituals. Something about brotherhood– here’s the secret behind the Masons, alright? I never really joined so I can tell ya; they’re just trying to get away from their wives and girlfriends for one night, eat pasta and tell dumb jokes. Like they act like they, oh control the world- they don’t control the world. They can’t even control their own interpersonal relationships. They just wanna play poker and have a night to themselves, right? I think that’s what my dad was doing. Anyway I guess he “bestowed” his hat upon my brother, thinking that one day maybe he’d join the fraternal order and when I took over my brother’s house, I took the hat as a showman and, y’know it fit my head pretty good!
Alright if you got popcorn, now’s the time to eat it because prepare for some heroism. This is, alright, it looks pretty dramatic what I’m about to do on camera but like, real talk, I basically couldn’t get outta bed for three days, this was (laughs) incredibly painful. Impressive but painful. Y’know the important thing is uh, is that the kids came out alright. They didn’t get eaten by a monster like McGucket there. Uh, I was a pretty good caretaker. 
A lot of people ask me, they say “Stan. You have impeccable genetic material, why haven’t you sired an heir?” People are always saying that. Y’know that’s an easy one because kids, kids are a giant hassle. I was once a kid and it was the worst. And the only thing worse than kids-? Parents. My dad was a cold-hearted ex-bricklayer who’d rather list my faults at Passover rather than throw the ol’ football around. Seriously, I never played catch with my old man.
For a science fair, I asked Ford to help me invent a football throwing robot just to get someone to throw a football around with me. But, uh, Ford wouldn’t do it, he was mad about the whole Kissbot incident so I had to invent my own football throwing robot. Just duct tape a football to a toaster, call it Footbot. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to get one game of catch with his old man? Right? Whatever, Whatever! Doesn’t matter! 
I have, I have, I have my own family. I do have a son, Benjamin Abe Hamilton Washington. This pile of money I’ve collected over the years! That’s my true family. Y’know I can sorta glue it together into the shape of a child maybe… Eh, I dunno. I, I do my best, right? And I do have, I do actually, not to brag, but I have an obscene amount of money. Uh, y’know all the years of collecting and etcetera– and also grifting!
You wanna learn some classic grifts? Anyone out there wanna learn some grifts? Here’s a good one; I call this one the “Grunkle Surprise!” You pay a bunch of hobos, okay it’s complicated, get a pen and paper. You pay a bunch of hobos a fish head a piece to dress up as an ol’ timey barbershop quartet– then you need to get six, not five, six live bats and a little guy dressed as a baby. Now here’s the really important part, don’t use an actual baby in this grift. I learnt that the hard way– wait, wait, just interrupt this thought for a moment.
I can’t remember how we got outta this one. Did we, did we die? Am, am I in the afterlife right now? I seriously can’t recall. A dinosaur came for us, I must’ve done something really amazing, personally, myself. Maybe I, uh, oh whaddya know, actually it was Soos! Y’know I think he’s gonna make a good Mr Mystery. Uh don’t tell anybody this but uh, I’m kinda proud of him, push comes to shove. Eh, one second.
Soos: ‘Sup, dude!
Stan: Oh Soos, whatta you doin’ here?
Soos: Oh yeah, dude. I just uh, I knew you were doin’ some commentary and I thought I would bring you some, uh, cracker-flavoured chipackers?
Stan: T-That’s a thing? Soos: Yeah, dude! I just brought some, have some!
Stan: Alright, heh, let’s see. Oh, oh my goodness. They’re crackers that taste just like chips that taste just like crackers! Thanks, Soos. Holy cow! Soos: Science truly is an amazing thing. I also brought a bag of stuff from the Mystery Shack. I was hoping you could, uh , sign these for me? Stan: Alright, yeah, sure, let’s see. We’ve got snowglobes, the ol’ John Hancock (??). Let’s see we got a bumper stick, Stan Pines and a… what’s this? Football? We don’t sell footballs at the Mystery Shack, Soos.
Soos: (nervous laugh) Ha, yeah, ya know. I was just thinking, maybe before you leave on your big adventure with Ford, we could… I dunno. Toss the ol’ football around? L-Like catch or whatever…
Stan: Soos, were you listening through the wall while I was recording this-? Soos: No, dude, I swear I wasn’t!! Stan: Alright. Okay. What the heck. You and me, huh? This is Grunkle Stan and as I always say, wait no, this time you can say it with me, Soos.
Stan and Soos: No refunds!
Soos: Dude!
Stan: Alright, alright. So let’s see, uh, throwing the football around, y’know I’m an expert. (laughs) You gotta go long and the secret is throwing it as hard as you can to the other person’s head.
Soos: Like a Terminator!
Stan: (laughs) Exactly! Exactly, like a– y’know, you’re alright!
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ifwebefriends · 2 years
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Gravity Falls Rewatch S1E18 Land Before Swine
Love Blubs and Durland being cute and shit
Never realized the clever melting sap foreshadowing
It’s 2012/2013 and they’re using super old high-risk photography methods???
Stan has a point, dinosaurs aren’t really supernatural, just extinct
First look at Stan’s tattoo (in his fantasy where he fought the pterodactyl)
Theory that some ancient extinct ginormous tree with rapid sap production is what encased the dinosaurs
Theory that global warming lead to it getting hot enough to melt the sap and setting the pterodactyl free
Love the Stan character development fr it goes hard
End credit scene is like the unaired pilot of interdimensional cable from Rick and Morty
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divorcedfiddleford · 6 months
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i'm somewhere between impressed and harrowed by the pterodactyltron's complete lack of a resemblance to a pterodactyl
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the neck is so long and why did he give it dragon spikes. i can't fault him for the fire breathing though. that's badass
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stanford-cipher · 4 months
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Everytime I see some fanon material where Mabel is friends with Bill it's just like. No, she would not fucking say that !!
Even in the context of BillFord. They always have her like. Wow! If my Grunkle is in love, it's totally okay! No. She'd be as skeptical and uncomfortable about it as Dipper would be. She doesn't exclusively feel love-craziness and kindness. There'd be no way she would look at Bill, who had tormented them all summer, and befriend him. Fair enough too! He doesn't deserve her sweater knitting.
(Note: This doesn't stop me from reblogging friendship posts with these two. It's just very funny to see Mabel go from "cant stand this guy" to "me and the bestie! /👁\✨️")
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Preach to me Aro Dipper. Heh. Especially deriving from the show contents (like his crush on Wendy and Roadside Attraction)
Also, not sure if this also has been asked, but which is your fav GF episode?
literally stopped my titanic watch for this for a sec. preach aro dipper? well, baby, call me john of patmos, because im about to wax some sonnets while eating strange mushrooms. ;)
okay i tried to write an essay but No. instead we get bullet points i always am able to write bullet points easier. HERE WE GO--
- love god. 1) despite being super focused on romance and robbie's problems, we never hear about dipper's crush on wendy again. like--once the crush is addressed as unattainable, dipper drops it. its like that realization you had as a kid when the "crush" you had will never love you back, and you're relieved. you don't have to worry about it or put on anything anymore.
- while i dont doubt some of that crush was genuine, some of it could/must have been (subconsiously) ramped up. dipper convincing himself that he's got a Big Crush so he cant say anything to her, but really, he just wouldn't be ale to do it. even with the age gap and shit, he's kinda like "saving her feelings". hm
- roadside attraction. trying to give/force himself into romantic attraction FR. even tho it might be to "get over wendy" i dont buy it. he's at the "im a freak for not loving someone like that" stage i can TELL.
- dipper has that thing where he sees a girl, gives himself thoughts like "oh i definitely like her, i could see myself havibg a crush on her" and then doing the pick up line thing. its what i used to do ngl. hype myself up without knowing whether or not the feelings were Real, exactly
idk. god im so. scattered. but!!! aro dipper is so dear to me 😭😭😭 trust me on that. beautiful
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everystan · 2 years
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rgu-episodes-bracket · 9 months
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Round 1 - Poll 5
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freshydip · 11 months
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Gravity Falls watchers: what is your most rewatched episode of Gravity Falls and why?
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yahoo201027 · 9 months
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Day in Fandom History: June 28…
When a prehistoric beast snatches Mabel’s beloved pet pig Waddles after Stan put him outside the shack, the Pines, teaming up with Old Man McGucket out of the blue, to rescue the pig before it’s too late. “Land Before Swine” premiered on this day, 10 Years Ago.
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wingsmould · 2 years
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thinking about that time i read a youtube comment that said last mabelcorn was a filler episode. like did we watch the same episode. do you know what a filler episode is
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justmakeleftturns · 2 years
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Tfw you have a single line from a cartoon stuck in your head and you can’t stop laughing.
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arcielee · 3 months
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Zȳha lyks
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Summary: You find an ally with the second son of King Viserys. Paring: Aemond Targaryen x Plus Size Reader Word Count: 2.4k+ Warnings: AFAB Reader, fat phobia, kissing, oral (f receiving), fingering, p in v, overstimulation, loss of virginity implied. Author's Note: This story is based on this request:
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I definitely tweaked it a bit but I hope you enjoy it.💜 Thank you to my beloved beta reader @annikin-im-panicin for your insight with this peace and to @azperja for your emojis 💜 Valyrian translations: Zȳha lyks is his peace 💜 Dividers by @saradika-graphics 💜
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It was your father’s ambition to weave himself in the inner circle of the crowned princess that pulled you away from Claw Isle, leaving your brother behind to step into the role vacant for House Celtigar. During your journey, your father would repeatedly impress the importance of absorbing the tutoring of the maesters, to learn of your ancestral history before it had been so diluted by the blood of Westeros…but he was also adamant that you were to take advantage of your social seating, to make worthwhile and lifelong allies while in King’s Landing. 
You were quick to note the marionette strings that Prince Aegon held, allowing the Strong bastards to hold their heads high with their snide comments on how they found you, “pleasantly plump enough,” or so they supposed. 
It cut through your skin and burrowed into your heart, but your face never betrayed your anger nor your hurt. Instead, you went to your father with your heartache but his response was almost flippant about your torment. 
“Our blood stems from the veins of Old Valyria,” your father now spoke of this as a fact, as something without any room to argue against. “They are our kinfolk and we seem destined to intertwine our blood with the blood of the dragon.” 
But on this day you pushed aside your father’s words the moment you saw Prince Aegon and his puppets shift their collective cruelty onto the second son of King Viserys, Prince Aemond Targaryen. 
He was a quiet, sullen boy, who always seemed sunkissed and kept his large, lavender eyes downcast. You saw how his pain curved his posture, a hooded melancholy draped across his slouched shoulders. He blanched as the boys retrieved the Pink Dread, his freckles stark on his porcelain skin. 
Their gibe laughter echoed within the Dragon Pit and it boiled your blood, urging your steps forward to push past the brunette pair of princes and towards the puppeteer. Aegon’s brow raised, amused with your flushed fury that was staining your features, quick to sneer his comment on how, “–perhaps this swine could be mounted in–” but it stopped once your balled fist cracked into his nose. 
Your satisfaction trilled up and down your spine with the pop of cartilage, watching as he cupped his face and the crimson that poured between his fingers. His wounded howl called back the Dragonkeepers and the White Cloaks assigned to them, all horrified at the sight. You were in trouble, undoubtedly, feeling the large hand that curled around your wrist to drag you back to your father. You dared look at Aemond, catching the upturn quirk of his mouth, the glitter in his eyes that met with your own.   
It began a bond with the foundation of a mutual disdain, a hatred that would be solidified with events at Driftmark. 
The events that followed that fateful night were flurried: the crowned princess all but fled the capital with her new husband and children, while your father decided to uproot and follow after. This had been halted by the queen’s request, behest of her daughter Princess Helaena, asking if you would remain as one of her ladies and confidants. 
It was something that could not be denied and you found yourself alone with Helaena, her first request was for you to bring a book to her brother, who had since been boarded up in his room to recover. 
“Am I to read to him?” You peered up from the cover to Helaena. “What if he does not wish to see me?” 
“I believe this book and its company would interest him,” she glowed with her sweet smile, “I believe he would enjoy the change in narration, as our maester is rather monotone,” was all that she offered. 
At first, Aemond had been hesitant of your company, bashful of the bloodied bandages that required to be tended to, but you showed to be steadfast, unflinching, but with a sense of empathy without the effortful pity that came from everyone else. You saw how he warmed as your visitations turned habitual, with you joining with his lessons and remaining when the maesters left. Helaena would slyly dismiss you for the day and this allowed Aemond to help you practice your shared ancestral tongue, or listen to whatever tome caught your attention in the library, even delving into bits of gossip or updates that pertained to his dragon. 
“Vhagar flies over once a day. I assume it is to check on you,” you informed him one afternoon, “and she rests on the outside of the city walls, overlooking the bay.” 
His cheeks pinked with his shy admittance, “I can feel her.” 
You could not help your smile in return. Whereas Helaena was always sweet and always kind to you, and even Aegon had a newfound respect in your regard, you found it was the second son of King Viserys that allowed you to find a sense of comfort that you thought had been left at home. 
Aemond recovered, as you knew he would, and you still remained at his blindside as he reacclimated to his new depth perception. He began to wear an eyepatch over his scarred socket, its wrathful red line curling above and below, along with his apprehension to the whispers of the court about the marred Targaryen prince. 
“You are the rider of Vhagar, with the blood of the dragon in your veins,” you reminded him, your own blood rising to the surface. “Pay them no mind.” 
Aemond listened to you, as he always did, focusing his determination on relearning his world with his handicap. You watched as he grew tall, his sinewy frame becoming taut under his fitted tunic and slacks, a result of the countless hours he spent training with Ser Criston. He matured with a severity etched into the marble he seemed to be chiseled from, though you still would see a perpetual smirk that would play across his lips. 
Your heart fluttered until it bruised against your breastbone when he shyly asked that you would walk on his right side. “I wish to be able to see you,” he murmured and you burned with his words. Aemond showed consideration to match his gait with your steps and you enjoyed the heat that seemed to permeate from him; his large palm would cover your own, tucking it into the crook of his arm to keep you close at his side. 
Worthwhile and lifelong allies, your father’s mantra repeated in your mind, but on his eight and tenth nameday, you felt the thrum of an unknown emotion vibrating within you with his close proximity. 
His mother had gifted him a sapphire stone that was carved to fit where his eye once been, and when he focused his bicolored gaze on you–how the blue was brought out in his lavender eye with the complement of the gemstone, its amber flecks in the shine from the candles lit–did you feel the air pull from your lungs. 
You had never cared for the vicious tittering of the noblewomen and would find yourself arguing how Aemond was handsome still, as it seemed a quality trait that most Targaryen men possessed. But in that moment, as the warmth flooded your features from his steady stare that now bore through you, you began to grasp it to be so much more for you. 
Aemond misread your reaction, flinching to pull on his eyepatch with his apology: “I would never want to offend you–” 
Your hand reached with its own volition, touching his elbow to stop him. He paused and looked at you and you took a breath before you could manage to say, “Aemond, you are beautiful.” 
You burned from your boldness that was spilling from your tongue, your realization of what began as a mutual hatred for his nephews was on the precipice of something you knew you could not ignore. 
Aemond watched you, his eye flitting over, before he tucked his eyepatch into his pocket and then offered his elbow to you. “Come, Lady Celtigar, we should not keep them waiting,” his voice low, and only then did you notice the rose hue that touched his cheeks. 
After his celebration, it would be romanticized how the prince disappeared, taking Vhagar to fly to Claw Isle and demand your hand in marriage, against the Lord Hand’s protest for a more strategic pairing. Aemond would not be deterred and he returned with the intention to have you as his wife, which you graciously accepted. The ceremony that followed was intimate, steeped in the tradition of Old Valyria and sealed with a kiss that tasted of iron. 
It was then you felt a new shyness that swept through with your muted mortification of the intimacy that was now expected of you, that Aemond would see all of you. He always seemed to take pride with how you were dressed in your finery, gowns stitched to complement your buxom figure, but you soon learned that Aemond much preferred what was beneath the silk and lace. 
That night he would show you. He relished to peel away your layers, his mouth ravenous to taste your skin, his tongue licking to follow the natural slopes of your breasts and to the valley between. Aemond was panting with his anticipation, placing hot, opened mouth kisses to cherish your every curve, with gentle nips of his teeth that left blooms of rose as he continued towards your soft stomach and lower. He savoured your taste and how your body responded, how you were breathless, flushed, writhing beneath him. 
“Aemond,” you gasped as he nestled between your plush thighs. 
He shushed you, his breath warm against your silken folds, and it tickled in a way that caused you to squeeze his head between. His pleasure spilled with a low, guttural groan that rattled your bones beneath, but he would never pull away, as you would learn.   
Your fingers combed through his silver hair as he began to tease you, sparks licking the base of your spine as he drank your essence. His gentle touch fell in tandem with his tongue, a pacing that was harmonized with your sweet sighs, only quickening with the flutter of your walls. The sparks of pleasure flashed white with your peak shuddering throughout, pulsing around his digits that remained knuckle deep, coaxing you to completion. 
When your breath finally returned, you felt him grinning against your cunt. You found the muscle strength to tilt your chin down and meet with his eye blown, the shine of you on his smug expression. “One more for me, pretty girl,” his tone was low, commanding, his lips feathering your now swollen bloom of nerves. 
You were boneless and quivering from your second release and only then did Aemond shift to move on top of you, melting against the softness of your skin, fitting in a way that you never realized before was missing from you. 
He captured your mouth, his gentle thrusts filled you, completed you, and he trembled with his own reserve until you finally begged, “Aemond, my love, please, I need you–” that he rolled his hips against you, burying to the hilt with a rhythm that grew desperate. The litany that spilled from your lips as you clung to his shoulders, the flashes returning but with color from this new pleasure rekindling deeper within you.
That night, Aemond showed you the dragon that you were always aware thrummed beneath his practiced poise, something insatiable and wanting. He played the perfect gentleman in court, though his large hands always reached to touch, to grab whenever eyes were turned. You were his peace personified, decorated with love bites of your passion shared, the lifeline to his sanity that balanced on the edge of the coin flipped by the gods. 
And it was tested when the crowned princess returned to argue for the claimant of Driftmark. 
That night, the dinner had a palpable tension that the minstrels tried to drown with their music. Aemond held his gaze, piercing, loathsome, waiting for a moment to lash out, and that moment came served on a platter: a suckling pig that crackled still from the flames it had been removed from. 
You first noticed the crass snickering of Prince Lucerys that was followed by the swell of your husband’s anger, something you quickly abated with the gentle press of your hand to his forearm as you pushed to stand. The room halted, the attention trained to you as you made show to hold up your gilded cup. “Final tribute,” your sickly sweet tone began, “to the health of our nephews…” 
You knew that Aemond was watching, his agitation holding him rigid in his seat, his curiosity browed as you continued your insincerity, stating all three of their names with emphasis, “...each of them handsome, wise,” and your lips, stained by the wine, curled upwards, “Strong.” 
It was a rippled effect: the shock of the queen, the sharp eyes of the Lord Hand, the heated glare from the other end of the room, but it did not stop you. Instead you looked for the perpetual smirk that was now playing across your husband’s mouth. 
“Come now,” you gestured again with your goblet and even Aegon, with a dark chuckle, raised his own, “let us drain our cups to these three Strong boys.” 
“I dare you to say that again.”
Aemond pushed to stand, his ire returned with a force as he moved to wall you away from Jacaerys. “You dare raise your tone to my wife,” his wrath cut with each word, the fire in his blood pouring from him. “She only meant to compliment you… or do you not think yourself Strong?” 
It ended as quick as it had begun with Jacaerys thrown across the floor and a throaty chuckle from the back of Aemond’s throat. The clash of dragons was split apart by the White Cloaks and you watched your husband with a pride blooming in your chest, knitting with the love you now realized you had always carried for him: he was truly beautiful, squared off and fearless, his severity now furrowed onto his features that showed golden from the candles lit. 
You held your head high as you walked to grab his sleeve and his attention returned to you, to your touch, though his scowl remained splayed on the sharp edges of his face. You pulled him to leave, to return towards your bedchambers; Aemond brimmed with a passion that you knew needed a release and you would forever be willing to be that vessel for your husband.
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