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demivampirew · 4 years

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Don’t judge a book by its cover chapter 1.

A Cap. Syverson story.

Triggers: Violence; talking about xenophobia, white privilege, homophobia, misogyny; crying; cursing; slang words.

Synopsis: Rebeca is an Argentinian girl who a few months ago moved to the USA (Washington D.C) to study in university thanks to a scholarship that she was granted. She’s lonely. People don’t treat her well. Some could be understood but most of them just hate her for being a foreigner. She meets Syverson because he’s a man from the South and she has not had a good experience with people from there, but she may find out at the end that she shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

She was walking towards the book store. She needed yet another ton of books for English class, even though she bought several of them two weeks ago. She got a scholarship a few months ago, that as long as she maintains high grades, it will allow her to finish her studies on the University of Washington, with the full coverage of the tuition money and a plus for materials. But still, with all those privileges, being in college was expensive. The extra money that the programme gave her scarcely was enough to buy three-quarters of the materials she needed and let's not forget food and other necessary stuff. She got a job at a grocery store, that didn't pay much, but enough to keep her going and the owners were one of the few people that were nice to her and even allowed her to study if there were no clients in the store. On the weekends, she would help primary and high school kids with their Spanish homework. Incredibly, those few hours gave her more money than working all week at the grocery store, but those people weren't so nice to her and it wasn't a steady job as her week job was. She could always find a job as a Spanish tutor, though. Most of her clients were high middle-class families and most of them were Republicans and hated Latinos, but she was a "white Latina, so you were ok." That's something that one of her classmates told her, a Mexican girl - she wasn't at the same University because she also was granted a scholarship, but because her parents saved money since she was little for her to go to a good college-; It hurt, but she knew that it was right. It isn't like her life was a field of roses. Not at all. College was full of rich kids that hated her guts and made her life a living hell. They'd laugh at her if she made the slightest mistake when speaking English and insulted her if she pointed out that they also made mistakes and that it's their native language. They would scream "In this country, we speak English, bitch" and other things if they heard her speak in Spanish with somebody over the phone. Three times she had to change the window glasses from her small apartment because they'll keep throwing rocks at them. But still, she had to admit that she understood why the Latinos at college didn't like her much. If there was some trouble, no one would even look at her. And the only time they let her go out with them, they got stop by police to ask for their identifications but told her that wasn't necessary. Not only she was white, but also she came from Buenos Aires, Argentina and she particularly didn't have a thick accent so immediately catch on the standard American one. After buying the necessary books, she hurried to go to work. Her boss told her she could go buy the books she needed and she could stay late to cover the time that she used to do that. She truly needed a car. At first, she thought that'd be a waste of money because in her city you could use the bus to go anywhere you needed to go. There was always a way to go by public transport, but here it was more difficult and besides, she needed to save time. She rushed to cross the street before the lights turn red, but didn't make it on time and as soon as she took the steps into the street, the light changed and cars began to pass. A car stopped abruptly just as it was about to hit her. - Ma'am, are you insane? - screamed the driver of the car, as he descended to make sure she was fine. She took a few steps back to avoid being in the middle of the street and also because she was afraid of that man. He was tall, with a big back and big muscles. He had a beard and his head was shaved. He was wearing cargo pants and a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt. But his looks were not the thing that scared her, it was the strong southern accent and the authority in his voice. Every time she ran into someone that sounded like him, it turned out to be a misogynistic, homophobic, racist and xenophobic asshole. Some times it would be some of those qualities, but most of the time, they were all together. But in the last second, she had a sudden change of attitude. She decided that would be the day that she won't let an idiot treat her like shit. She stood up like she wasn't afraid of him and looked at him fiercely. - No, I'm not insane. I'm just running late and when I checked the light was still on the green, I didn't see it change, that's all. - she replied - It's very rude for you to scream at me that way after you almost run over me with your car. You must haven't been paying attention to the road ahead or otherwise, you would have seen that I started to cross when it was still green. - Are you blaming me for your stupidity? Do you understand that I could have killed you? - He asked her irritated. She slapped him on the face. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together trying to contain his growing anger. - I'm sorry.- she apologized, but after a second she changed her mind- No, you know what? I'm not. You deserved it. You called me stupid. You don't know me and you called me stupid?! How dare you? I'm fucking tire of people like you! Every single day of my life I have to deal with people insulting me and treating me like shit like I wasn't a human being like I didn't deserve anything that I worked hard for just because I wasn't born in this freaking country. Or maybe you think I'm stupid just because I'm a woman, I had heard that too. Every single fucking insult that your brain can come out with, I'm pretty sure I heart it daily. So, if you excuse me, I would like to continue my way before I lose my job that I really need. - she said and run away, wiping the tears that started to come from her face. She ran for a while, crying desperately. People on the streets stared at her, probably thinking that she was mugged or something like that. Two blocks away from her job, she stopped to give herself time to breathe and clean all the tears left on her face. It was hard to cover that she had been crying but decided to share with the store owner just the part that she got scared because she was almost hit by a car on her way there and that she cries due to the scary episode. Thankfully, that explanation was good enough for her and did not ask more questions. As soon as she ended her shift, she went straight to her apartment. She was about to open the door when a man outside called her name and she turned around scared. It was the man from earlier that day, the man than almost hit her with his car. - What are you doing here? How do you know where I live? How do you know my name?- She questioned, confused and terrified as the man was getting closer to her. - Stop there! I'm going to call the police! This is harassment! - she screamed scared. The man raised both hands to leave them to her sight and stopped walking towards her. - I'm Captain Syverson. I'm a military man, ma'am. I'm not here to hurt you or do anything to you other than to apologize for the way I treated you today. I would like to return this to you as well, you lost it when you left the place.- he said, reaching his pocket and getting your credit card. -That's how I knew where you live. As I said, I work in the military, so I asked a friend of mine to get me your address, I hope that's ok with you. But I truly wanted to reach you and let you know that was not my intention to mistreat you today. You'll see, I'd been in the war zone for way too long so I lost my touch on how to react delicately to certain situations. You're not one of the soldiers on my command, you're just a lady crossing the street that got yelled by a southern asshole, as I believed you called me.-he said smirking. -I won't steal any more of your time. It's late and I'm pretty sure you want to rest, so have yourself a good night. - he said and turned around. She thanked him for returning the card and he replied "no problem". The next morning she got up early to make it on time to get to the class. She had an important exam to took that day, so she did not want to be late. As soon as she crossed the door and closed it, a young man scream "good morning" into her ear, scaring her. It was Trevor. One of her classmates. One of the leaders of those popular fraternities that's always making parties and playing sports and fucking instead of studying. - What do you want? - she asked annoyed. - Becky, Becky, Becky...-he said playing with her hair and she grabbed it so he would stop.- Is it weird that a Latina has a name like Rebeca? - Isn't weird that you have a brain a never use it? - she replied, annoyed. He grabbed her by the throat and pushed her against the wall. - Careful, bitch. I could fuck you up if I want to.- he threatened her - Yes, I know. I then you'll call your daddy to clean the mess that you left behind, like you do every time, right?- she defied him and he got angrier and closed his hand into a fist and was about to punch her. She wanted to be brave but could help herself and closed her eyes, afraid waiting for the punch. It never came. Instead, she heard screams. Some came from Trevor, others came from another man with a deeper voice. Trevor's were from pain, the man's were insults and threats. Rebeca finally opened her eyes and saw Syverson beating the shit out of Trevor. She ran to stop him. He was a military man. Trevor was just a stupid frat boy; he could cause some serious injuries and might cost him his military range or something. It took some time, but she finally conquered her goal of making him stop beating Trevor. You had to call the police and an ambulance, the was no other choice. Great. If your neighbours did not like you much before, now probably hated you. Not only you were the cause of a major fight at 7 am but you also got the street with police cars and ambulance, blocking the cars from getting out so they could get to their jobs. - You shouldn't have done that - Rebeca told Syverson as they waited on the police station to give their testaments - Should I have let him hit you instead? - he asked her surprised and annoyed. Like there was no other thing to do but what he did. - Why were you there anyway? - she questioned confused - I wanted to talk to you. - You've already apologized - she reminded him - It's not about that. I wanted to know what did you meant when you said: "I'm fucking tire of people like you"? Who are the "people like me"? - Southern people - she replied - Do you hate southerners? - he questioned, surprised and amused. - I don't know. I mean, I'm yet to find a good one. Maybe you could be that one, although you have to admit that you are not giving the best impression - she answered, raising an eyebrow and he laughed. - Yes, I guess you're right. My bad. - Every time I run into someone from the South, they treat me like I was below them just because I'm not from this country. When I moved here, there was this old southern man in the same street where I live. He used to look at my ass and use degrading slangs. He was disgusting. His wife hated me. They were extremely religious and when they found out that I was bisexual and atheist, they actually had a church meeting outside my house, praying for "the devil" to leave the place. A few weeks later, the man died of cancer and the woman was put onto a care home by his son. I think no one bothered me anymore after that because they still believe that I'm actually the devil - she said rolling her eyes and Syverson laughed out loud. - Hush. You're here to be questioned about giving a guy the beating of his life, you should be laughing. - You're right. Well. I understand your point, but I should tell you, just because you were given a few bad apples by the store, doesn't mean that said store doesn't have some good in them. - What? - What I'm trying to say is that because you met a few of my people that were pretty shitty, doesn't mean that we are all that way.- he explained to her - Look, I did not only joined the military to serve my country, but I also did it to help people. When I was out there, in the war zone, I protected as many innocent people as I could, mine or not. I made a few friends work with locals there. People are people. Period. I don't care if you were born here or not, as long as you are a good citizen and behave good, that's fine by me, stay all you want. Also, I couldn't care less what people do with their lives. If a man wants to be with a man, it's his fucking business. And about religion, I'm believer, but I won't judge you if you don't, I'm sure you must have your reasons. - he said and smiled at her. She was so focused on her judgment that she didn't allow herself to really see how attractive he was, especially now that he was close and she could see his deep blue eyes.

They both went separately to give their statements about the incident. Some neighbours were also brought by the police to testify as witnesses. Luckily, the woman who lived across the street saw the whole thing and her testimony matched Rebeca's and the police marked it as an act of self- defence and she and Syverson were free to go. They took a taxi to the house so he could pick up his car. She called her workplace and told the whole story from the police station because she wasn't sure how much time she would be stuck there for questioning and her boss gave her the day. As soon as they made it to her place, with neighbours spying on them, she invited him for coffee and he accepted.

#captain syverson #cap sy #captain syverson fanfic #fanfiction #henry cavill #demivampirew

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judedeluca · 5 years

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Last Friday I Tried To Kill Myself: My Rant On Why Heroes In Crisis Is Destructive Garbage And Why Stories Like This Need To Stop Being Made

TW: Suicide, rape, abuse

I’ve made it no secret I’ve been in therapy since 2012, and I’ve especially been vocal about my dislike for DC Comics’ latest event book, “Heroes in Crisis,” which just released its last issue on May 29th 2019.

I tried to write something the other night but I didn’t like how it sounded so I deleted it. After my session with my therapist earlier in the day, she convinced me to simply write down what I feel regardless. And so I did. I typed and typed. This is pretty long under the cut. I don’t know if I got carried away. I think I did.

I need to be clear I did NOT just try to commit suicide because of how much I hated a comic book. I’d like to believe even I’m not that pathetic. I tried to kill myself because of a number of reasons which sort of snowballed together this previous Friday.

Look this is angry and long and it sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to write and get my feelings out and I’m sorry okay? I’m, just, I’m sorry. For being pathetic and a disappointment to my friends and letting this bother me so much.

But I’m talking about “Heroes in Crisis” because this book has been negatively affecting me since it began publication, and the state that it left me in this past week only served to exacerbate the negative thoughts I had to endure, and I briefly reached a point where I had a knife to my wrist.

I’ve been attending therapy for the past seven years in order to address trauma and abuse I suffered through in my adolescence. In grade school I was bullied, and from 6th to 12th grade I was sexually abused on two separate occasions in two separate schools from four different people. In middle school I was assaulted by three boys who weren’t much older than me on the bus ride home, where they grabbed my head and shoved my face into their crotches as all the other kids laughed. In high school a classmate molested me twice during art class, and spent the rest of that time trying to make me apologize after I smacked him in self defense.

In 2009 my family dissolved when my parents unhappily split apart, which placed me as the unwilling recipient of my father’s, mother’s, and sibling’s emotional baggage while my own problems were ignored. During the loss of my support system I juggled two jobs along with graduating from college, I came out of the closet and have been struggling to figure out both my sexual and gender identities, I made my first suicide attempt in 2013, and my best friend died in 2016 along with four other people I cared about or who saw me as a friend.

Seeking therapy was something I had to do on my own. I tried counseling sessions with the people at my college but despite their best efforts it didn’t do much to help. I never received counseling in middle school for my sexual assault and my parents weren’t of much help either despite it was clear I developed some significant behavior problems. In 10th Grade I did spend some time with a guidance counselor because they feared I was suicidal due to my depression around my bad grades in Chemistry, but again this didn’t really help.

God I realize how analytical and detached this is sounding and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just listing everything. Ugh.

Aside from my suicidal thoughts I suffer from depression and PTSD. I think I’m a genuinely bad person and I’ve often thought I brought the abuse I suffered as a kid onto myself because I was a weird boy. I’ve wondered if I have a right to feel ashamed of what happened to me because it wasn’t as bad as what other people have gone through. I frequently think of myself as a shameless, greedy, manipulative person who doesn’t deserve to be happy because I use people. I’ve truly said some awful things to people and I know I’ve been blocked by a couple of people online and not without good cause. You need to understand that. My own sibling once said I was a wicked, blackhearted person.

I have trouble not assuming the worst of my parents and sibling because of how often I would find myself stuck in the middle of their arguing, which got me labeled a martyr whenever I tried to play peacemaker which I only wanted because I hate seeing them unhappy. I assume the worst about situations and I’ve spent countless nights lying awake thinking over and over again about past mistakes and how much I wish I was dead, or that I had died instead of one of my friends because they made the world a better place and I don’t. It’s easy for me to believe the world would be a better place if I died.

Often my problems had been ignored by the people I turned to for help. Ignored, looked down upon, or just belittled. It became hard for me to talk to people because it felt like no one really cared about what I was going through or that I wanted help. Or they misunderstood and their attempts to help failed because they didn’t really know what was wrong.

Despite all this I want to believe therapy has helped me deal with problems better than I had before, and helped me to take pride in what I have accomplished. I graduated cum laude with no student debt, I’ve held onto at least one job for over a decade, and I’m currently writing for three websites that have let me change my perspective on things and given me space to grow as a writer. I believe I’m better able to recognize boundaries and to let my feelings be known, and to know when not to engage in stressful situations. I’ve been trying, TRYING, not to let me depression and negative thoughts affect me too badly.

It’s not easy, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

So, where does “Heroes in Crisis” fit into this.

Well.

Through middle and high school, comics were pretty much the only thing that managed to keep me going without having a complete breakdown. Well I did have other interests and I still do. I could never survive on comic books alone.

I didn’t really have any friends I could rely on or talk to about my problems, not in real life or online. I got lucky in high school since there was a comic store one block away, which meant I was now able to regularly buy comics instead of the odd issue here or there. It was after I graduated high school I finally began to make some friends through online message boards and by meeting people at comic conventions. So comics didn’t just keep me going, they helped me find the people who HAVE been able to help me and see me as an individual worth knowing. My very first best friend in the whole world (NOT the one who died) is a professional comic artist I met through DeviantArt. “Stuck Rubber Baby” helped me realize and be honest about the fact I’m queer, and it was through commissioning comic artists I’ve felt more comfortable about exploring my sexuality.

As cheesy as it sounds the presence of comics in my life has indeed helped me a great deal, and I want to professionally write comics someday as a way to repay some of that back and try to make the world a better place.

I’ve always bought a little bit of everything but I’m mainly focused on DC Comics. My favorite teams are the Titans, the Legion of Super-Heroes, the Doom Patrol, and the Justice Society. Ask me my favorite Flash, I’ll pick Jay Garrick or Wally West. My favorite Green Lantern, I’d pick Alan Scott and Kyle Rayner.

Suffice it to say I really haven’t been happy with most of what DC’s published in the past ten years. I’ve been especially vocal about my dislike for books such as “Rise of Arsenal,” “Titans” by Eric Wallace, and pretty much everything Scott Lobdell’s worked on. Like a lot of people, I thought “DC Rebirth” back in 2016 was a step in the right direction, that they were finally cleaning the mess they made with the New 52 initiative.

“Heroes in Crisis” proved me and a lot of other people wrong.

But as a person struggling with depression and PTSD, this book offended me on a whole different level compared to anything those other books have done.

So you’ve got a place, Sanctuary, where heroes and villains can receive counseling for their respective problems and possibly get help. That sounds like a great idea. And then the first issue opens with the reveal every patient has been gruesomely murdered save for two who believe the other is guilty. And it gets worse from there.

FIRST: It turns out Sanctuary has no actual doctors or therapists. It relies instead on a computer programmed with the supposed best traits of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

SECOND: The patients are put in virtual reality chambers where they relive their respective traumas over and over again as a way to confront them.

THIRD: There doesn’t seem to be any real security except for a couple of robots, and anyone can just walk in. Which means Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman haven’t been monitoring the place until AFTER the massacre.

What followed was than eight issues of a supposed mystery that wasn’t a mystery at all. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman do almost nothing to figure who was responsible for this, while Lois Lane is given files of all the Sanctuary interviews which she PUBLISHES, leaking hundreds of secrets that were meant to be private even if she obscures the real names. The investigation falls to Booster Gold and Harley Quinn, who both believe the other is the killer.

It eventually turns out the killer was Wally West, who accidentally unleashed a burst of energy that killed those around him and in a fit of extreme suicidal despair violated the corpses to look like a mystery so he would have enough time to release the Sanctuary files and then kill himself believing it was the only way to make things right. He doesn’t die but turns himself in at the end.

I-I don’t have the energy to give a complete rundown, I really don’t. Suffice to say the book has problems. Racist problems, homophobic problems, and ableist problems. The series IS a problem.

Since the first issue was released I hated, I HATED, this comic with every fiber of my being. I hated the stilted writing and I hated the gross, overly sexualized artwork. I hated it was another event series built around cheap shock value deaths meant to drive up sales and garner controversy to make more sales. And I especially hated the premise, that this Sanctuary was supposed to be a place of healing but was anything BUT. The DC Trinity make no attempt to get real doctors to help them provide help for their comrades and friends, delegating everything to a computer that’s supposed to have their best qualities and assuming THAT is a decent substitute for qualified psychiatrists and therapists.

The very IDEA that Superman and Wonder Woman could be so arrogant and conceited to believe they could substitute for licensed medical professionals is appaling. Even Batman on his worst days would never be so inconsiderate.

And then there are the VR chambers, where the heroes relive their traumas over and over and over again until they can get over them. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. To experience such pain over and over again. The comic even demonstrated through characters Lagoon Boy and Wally West that going through their trauma again and again clearly wasn’t helping. Lagoon Boy relieved the Titans East massacre HUNDREDS of times. And this seems to be the only real option Sanctuary allows besides the confessionals.

This, this NEGLECT. Sanctuary isn’t a place for healing, it’s a dumping ground! These people are secluded and essentially kept in solitary confinement where they have almost no one but a computer to talk to. A computer that does absolutely nothing to help them.

I spoke to my own doctor about this and she agreed with me none of this was healthy and that the book itself was extremely damaging and poorly thought out.

And I have spoken to her about this a LOT over the last nine months, because with each issue that came out I felt myself getting more and more worn down. I would dread the last Wednesday of the month knowing the next issue would arrive. And let me tell you this wasn’t the only thing I was talking about in my sessions, but it figured a lot into my past discussions and my therapist respected that. I’m glad I have her in my life, she’s a consummate professional.

I’m not talking about simple fan boy hate. This comic DRAINED me and struck more than a number of nerves. The apathy and insensitivity that went into crafting this book reminded me far too much of what I’ve gone through in life and not for the better.

For starters, the way Tom King portrays the problems the characters go through is nothing but a joke. We’re treated to multiple confessional sequences where different characters talk about their issues in a nine-panel grid layout featuring some of the most stilted dialog I’ve ever read. King shows absolutely no research or care in the characters he talks about, ignoring their backstories to make up nonsense and present it as deep when in reality he’s gutted them from the inside out.

The one that bothered me most was Roy Harper from the first issue, in a confessional sequence one page AFTER his corpse is found.

Tom King took nine issues to completely destroy and misunderstand Wally West’s character, even though he only needed one page for Roy Harper.

Of course Scott Lobdell spent eight years destroying the character, so King didn’t need to do much.

Roy and his daughter Lian have been two of my favorite DC characters for years. I’ve been able to relate to Roy’s issues a lot over the years. Not his past drug addiction, but his struggles with depression and abandonment issues and his fight to try and be a better person despite everything he’s gone through. He was raised in a Native American community and probably has a better understand of racism than most white people could dream of. He’s a devoted father who tries to be the best dad he can be for his daughter. But most importantly, he knows he can screw up and he knows he’s not perfect. He just wants to be good. He’s a complex and multifaceted person who is more than his trauma, and I’ve long admired that. I’ve wished I could stop beating myself up over my past mistakes and just focus on doing good instead of hating myself for not being perfect. As someone who never really had much support from my parents growing up and that feeling of being totally alone despite being surrounded by people, I empathized with the neglect he suffered form Green Arrow and the way he was essentially abandoned in “Rise of Arsenal” when he needed help the most.

But is any of that discussed in “Heroes in Crisis?”

No.

Roy’s abandonment and depression are ignored so Tom King can churn out some nonsense about abusing prescription meds given to him by doctors for his superhero injuries before he switched to heroin because it was cheaper and safer. Not because of his depression. He only started taking the meds because of his injuries and he got addicted, which I’ve seen a number of fans who suffer from chronic pain complain that this is ableist for presenting them as drug addicts.

God I hope I’m remembering that right, I’m sorry guys.

“So you go to a needle. To save your kidneys. And some money. But really, isn’t that what superheroes do? Save things?”

Objectively one of the worst things I have ever read in ANYTHING.

But it doesn’t stop there. Pretty much every character given a confessional more or less has the problems they truly did survive ignored for nonsense that never occurred or is completely out of character to the point it feels like these are SUPPOSED to be jokes. Firestorm talks about his head being on fire. Green Lantern Hal Jordan doesn’t know what “Will” is. Raven says her father, an inter dimensional monster who has tried to turn her evil over and over again and whom she hates, loves her. Minor character the Protector is revealed to be addicted to multiple drugs and was only an anti-drug crusader because he thought it was funny. That was just CRUEL.

I... I have spent so long being ashamed of a lot of the abuse I went through and it is still hard for me to talk about. Do you have any idea how disgusted I am with myself whenever I try to tell someone about what happened to me in high school? When I have to figure out a way to say that “He tried to stick his finger in my ass” and not think about how the people reading or hearing this must be laughing at me it’s so pathetic? Or when I think about the crying fit after my first day of high school begging my mom to take me out of this school and she tells me to suck it up?

And so this bothers me, because I frequently fear that my problems are just a joke. And I see the characters whom I resonate with have their problems degraded and treated as poorly thought out jokes.

Why were some of these characters even here in the first place? To deal with their problems? Even though some of them WERE ALREADY TRYING TO GET HELP. Roy in particular had his Titans teammate Lilith Clay as his substance abuse counselor, but none of that is mentioned in the lead-up to “Heroes in Crisis.” The help that Roy was already getting was ignored. His efforts at self improvement were ignored by those around him.

But it’s not as bad as the reason Wally West was in Sanctuary. In “Flash War” Wally regains memories of his twin children Jai and Iris and is told they’re not in the Speed Force but SOMEWHERE. And Wally tries to find them and can’t. So instead of Barry Allen getting the Justice League to help with the search, knowing the disappearance of these children are one example of how the universe has been damaged, Barry and Iris West allow Wally to be taken to Sanctuary to essentially get him to shut up about his missing kids. He is abandoned by the people he viewed as parents. And this is what leads to Wally’s breakdown. Despite knowing his children are out there somewhere, “Heroes in Crisis” tries to demonize Wally for wanting his family back and it’s used to make him into a suicidal mass murderer. Wally’s problems make him into a villain. He’s driven mad with grief when he hacks the Sanctuary computer thinking no one has gone through what he has, and is broken when he experiences all that trauma at once. All this because he wanted something that was perfectly rational for him to want.

Wally’s trauma is used to dehumanize him.

The dehumanization doesn’t stop there, especially in the case of Poison Ivy who is turned into a plot device for Harley Quinn’s sake.

Never forget this was a thing that Clay Mann drew and DC would’ve used before it got leaked.

This was supposed to be the cover for the seventh issue, Ivy’s bloody corpse done like a pin-up.

After being treated as Harley’s motivation for most of the series, Ivy’s revived but in such a way she’s lost most of her humanity. She gets turned into a rip off of Swamp Thing and her body is more plant than human, no longer having nipples or a vagina. She’s been murdered and brought back in a way that will let DC sexualize her as much as they want now that she’s not human anymore. But this is supposed to be treated as GOOD because she’s supposedly more powerful now and she’s alive. Like that doesn’t change the shameful way she was killed, and how she came to Sanctuary hoping to get help for the awful things that haunt her and it got her killed.

Ivy’s long been a very complex character herself and many people have looked at her as a strong, interesting, intelligent queer woman who ultimately only wants to save the Earth and be with the woman she loves. But she’s frequently the villain in her stories and often told she doesn’t understand what real love is. Instead of being recognized for the complex character and inspiration she is, Ivy also has her trauma used against her as an excuse for to be sent to die and LITERALLY be dehumanized. So what does that say to the women who resonate with her? The queer readers? What does that say?

The leaking of the Sanctuary files is also supposed to be seen as good. Wally claims he did it because he thought if people saw someone like him could make a mistake, they’d get help before he did something bad like him. That if they saw their heroes had problems, they’d get help too.

IT’S TRYING TO VALIDATE THIS VIOLATION OF PRIVACY AND HOW ALL THESE PROBLEMS ARE TURNED INTO A MEDIA SIDESHOW THANKS TO LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN.

And Wally turns himself in he’s left to rot in jail, more alone than ever. Where’s the supposed help now?

But Booster Gold gets to hang with Blue Beetle and Harley’s with Ivy and it’s supposed to be about hope by showing no matter what mistakes you make it’s not too late and blah blah whatever that last issue was. It tries to pretend all this suffering and misery was worth it because now Wally really can represent hope by being an example!

Bros before heroes!

These people went to get help or were sent to get help, and instead they were ignored. They were killed. Their problems turned into jokes. They had their problems used against them after they died when all they wanted was to be better.

WANTING TO GET BETTER IS NOT A REASON WHY ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT LIKE THIS.

One of the worst thing out of all this is knowing NONE OF THE CHARACTERS USUALLY ACT LIKE THIS. The reason why Wally accidentally killed everyone is because King makes up a retcon involving the Speed Force that was never, EVER mentioned in any Flash comic before. He makes up things on the fly to justify why any of the characters are there at all. Someone once said how, and I’m paraphrasing, “A story should be made to fit the characters, the characters shouldn’t be made to fit the story.” It’s been clear to a lot of people this book was blatant character assassination and Dan Didio’s latest attempt to finally get rid of Wally West because he hates him and all the other legacy characters so much. A story about PTSD that could’ve been meaningful and helped people got hijacked to destroy a character. To use their trauma as a tool to make them do something horrible. To exploit trauma for shock value and dehumanize not just the characters but the people who read these books and identified with the struggles and I

HATE IT!!!!!!!

It hurts because so many people care about these characters, and Didio would use a story that could’ve been uplifting to carry out his petty hatred.

This has been it, month after month for me. I’d get mad, and I would try to take my mind off it. I’d write fan fiction and commission artwork making fun of “Heroes in Crisis,” I’d try to vent on the internet and explain why I hate this comic. I’d connect with friends and other fans who’re equally unhappy, and I’d just feel myself getting worse and worse. I’ve had trouble sleeping thinking about this comic, stress dreams and laying awake at night before I’d start to think about how I’m a bad person too and wishing over and over again to die and end everything. To stop being a blight on the world and give it to someone who deserves to live. More importantly, that crushing sense of not being able to do anything to make this better. This powerlessness to try and change things for the better. Wishing I could do something to make it better and thinking about all the other ways I’ve failed in life. The loved ones and friends who died and I couldn’t help them. The unhappiness in my family. The state of the world. And then I’d think about how much I hate myself even more because there are more important things to worry about in the world, like what that rapist monster in the White House is doing to this country and to anyone who’s not a straight white man.

The week the final issue came out I knew right off it was going to be a train wreck and I was right. A disappointing ending to a disappointing story. More feelings of anxiety and self loathing and a feeling that my problems are nothing but a joke to mocked and exploited.

While all this was going on I had other things to worry about. In March my grandfather was hospitalized with a number of health problems due to a urinary tract infection. He spent a week gradually becoming confused and losing energy before he was taken to the emergency room when he said he was having trouble breathing. It turned out he also had a cyst, a clot, and bleeding in his brain. As me, my mom and sibling worried about his health we also had to worry about our house because my grandfather pays most of the rent and if his pension had to go towards a nursing home, we would have to move. So while worrying about my 92 year old grandfather’s health I also had to worry about possibly losing my house. And while he was recovering at the rehab hospital he had to go back to the ER again on Easter when we were told he fell during the night. He’s in another nursing home and he’s doing better thankfully, but he’s also the last grandparent I have and I’m not ready to lose him when he’s held onto his mind for so long.

So what exactly happened when the ninth issue came out that pushed me?

This past Thursday while I was at work, I get a call from my mother saying she thinks someone might be in our house because she went downstairs into my grandpa’s apartment and all the doors were open. I don’t know why she didn’t call the police or what she thought I could do since I wasn’t even in the Bronx. *Sigh* I tried to get my dad to come pick me up sooner so I could check out what was wrong and I was trying not to panic even when my mom texts me saying she’s okay but she locked her bedroom door and she’s got a blunt object. Then she says maybe it was nothing after all...

And then I get home and I see the garage door is wide open and it’s a disaster, as if someone trashed the place. I can’t get my dad out of the car and he just says “Call the police” as if he doesn’t care. I run into the house and begin checking the rooms in my grandpa’s apartment before grabbing a kitchen knife and going back to the garage. I then tell my mom what’s happened to the garage and it’s like I’m invisible. I can’t even get her outside to look and she’s more concerned about getting her dinner from around the corner. She tells me “It’s not like no one’s gotten in the garage before.”

AFTER SHE GETS ME WORKED UP THINKING SOMEONE WAS IN OUR HOUSE. AND I COME HOME AND THEY MIGHT’VE TRASHED THE GARAGE.

I literally can’t understand what was going through her head when she gave me this runaround. And I call her on it the next day, telling her how scared she got me and how it felt when she acted like I was making a big deal of nothing. I was frightened she could’ve been alone in the house with an intruder, because obviously she felt the same way if she wanted to lock herself in her bedroom. She STILL acted like it was no big deal and it’s like 2010 all over again and I’m being expected to drop everything to help her and she won’t give me any courtesy or empathy.

And then not even an hour later that Friday I get an email from my boss about a secret shopper thing and I rush to get my phone seeing he’s tried to call me. And he’s saying he’s mad at me because of something I did on Tuesday that might get our distribution license suspended or taken away completely. I’m thinking this is because of me. Because I screwed up. And I’ve had this job since I graduated high school and I might’ve ruined it completely.

And that mixed with how it’s like my mother has played fucking mindgames with me and all the other feelings and the general anger and hopelessness and thinking over and over it’s not going to get better I picked up that knife again and held it to my wrist while my boss was still on the phone.

I had it pressed against my skin and wanted to dig it in deeper.

I kept thinking “I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T DO THIS” seeing everything all at once, over and over again and...

I-I don’t know. Maybe just a part of me that said not to do it or something. Maybe because despite all my talk of wanted to die I don’t.

I don’t want to die.

So I put the knife down before I cut myself.

I went to work at my second job and I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist, and I tried to write.

So it’s Monday morning and I’m typing this and wondering now, if anyone actually reads this what kind of shit will I expect if people actually bother to read it.

I’m a loser who needs to get a life

I read the story wrong

I didn’t understand the story

I need to get laid

I’m just mad my favorite character died

I hate it because Tom King’s a good writer

I’m a contrarian who hates it because it’s popular

I don’t know what I’m talking about

I’m a whiny f****t

I’m conceited enough to think Tom King may ever actually read this and have him say “I’m sorry you reacted this way”

This isn’t the story King wanted to tell and he had good intentions

OH SCREW YOUR FUCKING “GOOD INTENTIONS”

My teachers had “Good intentions”

My parents had “Good intentions”

AND I AM STILL FUCKING PAYING FOR IT

I am so sick of hearing about “Good intentions.” Just because a person had good intentions doesn’t absolve them of messing up! King apparently handed in a basic outline and let editorial pick the characters. If King had good intentions, he would’ve bothered to do research on the characters instead of turning them into jokes. If he had good intentions he would’ve done a better job of showing how therapy actually CAN help people. He wouldn’t have given us a story all about death and suffering and say it’s about hope. If he had good intentions he wouldn’t have let Didio use this to get rid of Wally West.

You want to talk about people with ACTUAL good intentions? How about we talk about the people out there who’ve written about abuse and trauma and suicidal thoughts and how to address those things in ways that MATTER. In ways that don’t alienate people and can grant a better understanding of ways to act.

In ways that say “I see you. I understand you and know what you’ve gone through. You’re stronger than you think.”

Let’s talk about Jeremy Whitley writing “The Unstoppable Wasp” where Nadia Pym has a manic episode and attacks her friends, and has to be talked down from killing herself by her friend Priya because her own brother committed suicide.

Let’s talk about how Priya describes the world Nadia would create if she killed herself and convinces her she deserves to live because she makes everyone happy and she is a good person no matter what she is thinking right now.

Let’s talk about Magdalene Visaggio’s “Eternity Girl” where Caroline Sharp is a suicidal immortal superhero who wants to destroy reality because she thinks it’s the only way she can die, and her girlfriend Dani convinces her that she can build a new world for herself instead of destroying this one because Caroline’s stronger than her misery and has the power to choose what she wants.

Let’s talk about Chris Claremont’s disgust at how Carol Danvers had been brainwashed and raped and sent off to live with her rapist while her friends did nothing to help her and thought this was a HAPPY ENDING

Let’s talk about how he had Carol dress down the Avengers for the shameless way they treated her and abandoned her when she needed them

Let’s talk about Jim Salicrup and Louise Simonson working on the “Spider-Man and Power Pack” special which showed the right ways to address child abuse.

How Salicrup was able to make Spider-Man into a sexual abuse survivor without it being a joke and how his story helped a little boy tell his parents what happened to him. And how this helped Spider-Man accept what happened to him was not his fault.

How Simonson wrote about the Power Pack supporting a friend being sexually abused by her father and how they convince her she did nothing to deserve this.

Let’s talk about Rachel Pollack’s Doom Patrol run which showed that trauma is not the end of someone’s existence and that people can be happy despite what’s happened to them

Let’s talk about George and Marion who despite the trauma of having lost their bodies and being used as slaves they still choose to smile and enjoy life and love each other

Let’s talk about Kate Godwin, a transgender woman who changed her body to match the person she was inside despite what people said about her and treated her, and found a community that supported her and loved her and is a strong, good woman with the power and the empathy to help others

A woman who was outraged when a person tried to make her believe she’d been gang raped and needed trauma to make her life more meaningful.

SO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM AND TELL ME ABOUT KING’S “GOOD INTENTIONS”

NO ONE NEEDS TRAUMA IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE IT MEANINGFUL. FINDING HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’VE SURVIVED SOMETHING HORRIBLE DOESN’T MAKE THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUSTIFIED.

You can’t look at stories like “Heroes in Crisis” and say “Oh it’s okay because in the end it was worth it because it taught us something” and NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. HAVING YOUR PROBLEMS LAUGHED AT AND MOCKED AND DEGRADED AND TRIVIALIZED IS NEVER OKAY. NOT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. NOT TOTAL STRANGERS. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

So yeah, maybe I am fucking pathetic for ranting about this and I should get a life and talk about more important things but I don’t fucking care! I’m angry about this and I’m gonna be angry for a long time! I’m angry about this story and I’m angry about how it affected me and the people I care about and people I don’t know and I will always be angry with myself that I tried to kill myself because of how this book made me feel and affected what I was going through.

Because stories are important to our lives. They can help us get through every day and they can make our problems not seem so bad. They can give us the strength to look at the bad parts of our life and think maybe they can change. That WE can change. We read about these people and we connect with them. We see things in them we wish to be like or things that are already in us and it can make us feel like we aren’t alone.

And even when stories aren’t enough they can help us find the people who can tell us these things. To help us find people who would care about us, and to care about them so maybe WE can help them. They’re a gateway.

So no, it’s not just a fucking comic book. And no, I don’t care what the intentions were. And I don’t care how pathetic this all sounds.

This, this was a bad story. This was a harmful story. And people deserve better. We don’t deserve to keep living in an age where stories like this, that can make us feel like we’re nothing, keep happening. We deserve stories that show us our lives are not defined by our trauma, we are NOT jokes, we are strong, and we deserve to live. That is not what “Heroes in Crisis” was and you will never convince me otherwise.

I had problems long before this story came out. I do not blame it for things that happened to me before. I do not blame it for my assault and abuse. I blame it for making me feel more like I don’t deserve to live and that what I’ve gone through doesn’t matter. I blame it for making me feel like my hard work and attempts to make my life better are meaningless.

This is not okay.

You wanna fucking blast me for this, go right ahead.

128 notes · View notes

definegirlfriends · 5 years

Note

favorite fics where one of the boys comes to the realization that they’re not straight?

All of these fics are about them realizing they aren’t straight, or similar enough that I thought they could be included! I put a little ✨ by my favorites! Enjoy x

Allies in Heaven, Comrades in Hell: (265k) A Catholic school!AU where Louis is finishing sixth form and will definitely be famous someday if Harry has something to say about it, Liam is the racist homophobe that Zayn is dreadfully in love with, and Niall teaches guitar. ✨

Baby Heaven’s In Your Eyes: (120k) A sixth form!AU where Harry is the fucked up bad boy with too many problems, Louis is the perfect rich boy with too much money and their schools are right across from each other. They meet at a party and that’s the last (and maybe the only) thing they need. ✨

Both Showing Hearts: (113k) Louis Tomlinson is, in fact, not straight. Harry Styles isn’t sure what he is. Together, they figure it out, and maybe fall in love along the way. Or, the Uni AU where Louis helps Harry figure out his sexuality, Niall crashes a bachelorette party, Liam works in a printing centre, and Zayn happens to need lots of printing done.

Completely, and Absolutely: (2.5k) Louis is so completely and absolutely NOT gay that the fact that anyone thinks Harry is his soulmate is just being ridiculous. Including himself. He just thinks they’re mates that are two parts of the same soul, and that’s not weird at all. Okay?Or, the one in which Louis spends the entirety of X Factor so deep in denial that he doesn’t realize he’s gay until he’s already 3000% gone for the dimpled mess in his arms.

Fumbling In The Dark: (21k) Louis is straight, Harry is not. They still shag a lot.

Hiding Place: (365k) Louis never wanted a soulmate, didn’t really care for the whole Bonding thing at all, really. Enter Harry Styles, who’s wanted to be Bonded for as long as he could remember. With one fateful meeting in an X Factor bathroom, Louis gets a dagger on his arm and the realization that just because Harry is his soulmate doesn’t mean it’s mutual.From the X Factor house to Madison Square Garden, from the Fountain Studios stage to stadiums across the world, Louis has to learn to love without losing himself completely, because someday his best friend will Bond to someone and replace Louis as the center of his universe. ✨

How Many Secrets Can You Keep?: (11k) Harry, a homophobic Christian, joins Louis’ gay-straight alliance club at school, hoping to somehow attract lesbians (he’ll work out the logistics later). Louis shows him what he didn’t know he was actually there for.

I’m a Beggar In The Morning (I’m a King At Night): (7k) ever since harry whispered things about louis at the grocery store they’ve been best friends and harry’s straight and louis’ not and that’s just how it is. “Sweet dreams, love,” Louis murmurs, and even though he feels creepy, he slips his hand in between Harry’s thighs and it’s warm and he kisses his cheek. He turns and leaves and doesn’t see that Harry’s eyes snap open or hear that a whine comes from his mouth.

I’m Trying Not To Make A Sound: (10k) Louis thinks he could die right there. He can’t feel anything but the tingling sensation all over his skin. He’s throwing away all his past thoughts on trying to be straight and denying his reactions towards other men, he just wants more of this numbing feeling. Everything else is a long lost memory, can’t think of anything else besides, wow, this feels incredible. or basically, “I am in fact straight.” / “Don’t knock it till you try it.”

Learning to Breathe: (110k) He’s playing football at one of the top universities in England and he should love everything about his life right now, but instead he’s moving backwards. How does your past fit into your present? Louis is still figuring it out. ✨

Let Me Teach You Something: (72k) In the last year of their degree program, the five boys are put in a group for the duration of a year long Capstone class. They will spend days and nights together working tirelessly to finish school. Louis has no problem with his sexuality and has the notches on his bed post to prove it, but will straight-laced, straight-boy Harry change all that?

My Heart Is Beating For This Moment In Time: (160k) When Louis first saw Harry at the 2010 X Factor Auditions, he thought he was watching a peculiarly special stranger. But Harry has known Louis ever since he was five years old.Because Louis has a rare genetic disorder that causes him to Time Travel to important moments in his past and in his future - and to Harry, always to Harry. When they’re put into a band together, it seems like everything Harry has been waiting and wishing for has finally come true. Except for the small fact that Louis doesn’t know that Harry is in love with him- that Harry’s always been in love with him. Fate, it would seem, is just getting started.A story about growing up and growing together, and the impossible love that makes it all worthwhile. ✨

Nobody Compares To You: (10k) Harry has a long-term crush on his bandmate and best friend Louis, who is straight, at least as far as he knows. He also starts falling in love with this guy he met on tumblr. Who also has a crush on his own best mate. Things are about to get complicated.Or, the one where Harry falls in love twice, Louis is just incredibly sweet and supportive, and Al from tumblr is super nice but also really secretive about his identity - not that Harry can blame him, considering his own blog is run under false pretenses, too.

Not So Typical: (90k) Harry Styles; football phenomenon, academic prodigy and the most liked guy at Washington State. Harry has it all; the looks, the popularity, the best friends and it doesn’t hurt that there is a line of girls ready to jump his bones at any second. It all was perfect…almost perfect that is. Until that one night, with that one too many drink still burning in his throat and those piercing blue eyes infusing themselves into his every thought.

Photograph: (207k) Harry steadies his jaw. “What do you want from me?”Louis’ bottom lip wobbles. “I’m not gay.”“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?” And at that, Louis seems to completely lose his shit. He rushes towards Harry, banging his fists on Harry’s collarbones in a frenzy, and begins yelling– “I hate you! I hate you! I fucking hate you so much!”Tears are rushing down his cheeks, and then he’s shoving Harry away, drunk out of his ass, causing Harry to stumble back a bit. Louis then begins to clutch at himself, fisting his own clothes to his chest, dribble falling from his mouth, his arms shaky and his back hunched.“Fuckfuckfuckufkcufkc!” He spits, face contorted, hands trembling. “I hate you!”“No, you don’t.” Harry steps forward, face concerned. “You don’t hate me.”- An epic love story in which Harry is too in love for his own good, Louis is in denial of his sexuality, and they write songs instead of actually talking to each other.

Pillow Talk: (25k) “So, do you think I should… find someone to fool around with?” Harry asks, nervous again. “To see if I like it?” Louis swallows hard but hopes he covers it pretty well with a casual shrug. “I mean, it would probably help to know that you actually want everything that goes along with being with a guy. If you can’t handle the machinery, it’s probably not for you, you know?” Harry nods and appears to be steeling himself. Louis tenses, afraid that he knows what’s coming. “Would you do it?” “Do what?” Louis plays dumb. Harry has to take another deep breath before he can say it. “Will you help me figure out if I like it? Being with a boy?” Or When Harry starts having confusing feelings for a male classmate, his sister’s best friend, Louis, helps him figure himself out. Cue lots of kissing, sex, and falling in love.

Red Brick Heart: (98k) Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted. ✨

Resist Everything Except Temptation: (100k) The one where Louis is the commodore’s son who is forced to become a part of Harry’s crew when he is captured. ✨

Shake Me Down: (208k) Harry’s new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization. ✨

Standing Here But You Don’t See Me: (22k) “Louis being with a guy is something Harry has always known was a possibility. Ever since Louis told them he was gay, he knew that this would come up at some point. But it was just that. At some point. It’s always been a hypothetical. Harry never thought it would bother him. But now, watching Louis squirm as he watches that other guy, it’s just not a hypothetical anymore. And Harry is very bothered by it.“or: Harry’s discovery that he like boys as well as girls. One boy in particular catches his eye and he’s determined to get him.

Supposed to Be: (20k) “I’m making a movie for a film competition, and I want you to be in it,” Harry told Louis. “I think you would be a great leading actor in it.” “Why?” “Because it’s you. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know all about the amazing Louis Tomlinson? It would be a great movie.” “You don’t have some weird crush or, like, secret obsession with me, do you?” Louis asked. Harry bit his tongue so he didn’t say “Ew, I have standards.” He didn’t think that would go over well. Of course, that was assuming Louis understood what that meant. — Or, the Geek Charming AU where Harry’s a film geek, Louis’ a popular jock, and they both need each other to get what they want.

The Impossible Now: (49k) A wish on Christmas Eve sends Louis to an alternate dimension where Harry is a member of One Direction.

Unbelievers: (136k) It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan. ✨

You and Me: (12k) harry is potentially screwed and louis is definitely hopeless, but its ok because as long as they’re in each other’s lives, everything will somehow probably turn out the way that its supposed to.

#I havent read all of these fics on here but these are the ones that sounded similar enough to your ask!#sorry this took a bit #hopefully this is what you were looking for!#fic rec #asks #anon

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starfish-sims · 5 years

Photo

GET TO KNOW ME TAG

Rules: Post a picture of your simself with your traits and answer the questions!

I saw others do this and thought it was a cool idea! Granted, my husband said that something about my Sim Self’s face wasn’t quite right, but he couldn’t tell me what, so for now, she’ll have to do!

I tag anyone who wants to try this! :-D

1. What is your full name: Michelle P.D.

2. What’s your nickname: Michi (my chosen name in Japanese) or Seb (my former gamertag)

3. Birthday: 22nd of July, 1993.

4. What is your favorite book series? The Ranger’s Apprentice!! It is my comfort food book series.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I definitely believe in aliens. I believe it conceited to think that we’re the only intelligent life the universe could come up with. Ghosts, I’m not so sure...

6. Who is your favorite author? John Flanagan (writer of the Ranger’s Apprentice-series.)

7. What is your favorite radio station? I don’t listen to radio, but I am a radio host at my grandmother’s radio station, so I’ll pick that one, lol.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Coconut – I have a coconut moisturizing cream. It’s delish.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Awesome or Great? I’m boring like that, lol. In Japanese, I really like using 最高 (saikou).

10. What is your current favorite song? Power of Dream by LOL (the newest opening of Fairy Tail).

11. What is your favorite word? ‘Phantasmagoria’ for English’, ‘きっかけ’ for Japanese. (kikkakke)

12. What was the last song you listened to? Not sure... Definitely a K-pop song, but I was listening to the playlist while driving, so I stopped listening for the individual songs at some point, lol.

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Doctor Who or Haikyuu!!

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? I don’t watch movies... Except Marvel movies, in which case, I’d choose Doctor Strange, but that’s just because it’s my favourite.

15. Do you play video games? Yes!! SO MANY VIDEO GAMES!! My favorite genres are JRPGs, and my favorite video game series are Mass Effect and the Atelier-franchise.

16. What is your biggest fear? Living life without anyone thinking they’re happy I’m here.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? My honesty. I’m honest to a fault, something which my family often complains about, but I’d like to think it’s one of my better qualities. (Fun event; when my sister and I were little, we went to buy candy at the local mart. My sister put huge marshmallow dolphins into a bag. They’re about 30 cent a piece, but the shopkeep weighed them like normal candy, so she got all three of them for like 45 cent or something. I was livid, and kept bugging her to go back and pay full price, lol.)

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My inability to cope with criticism. I don’t get particularly defensive, most of the time, because I know that criticism is someone’s way of telling me that something needs to be improved. What I do find difficult, however, is keeping in mind that the criticism isn’t directed at my person, but at the piece of work I am performing.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? CATS. I AM SO SAD. MY HUSBAND IS ALLERGIC. THERE’S A VOID IN MY LIFE.

20. What is your favorite season? Early spring.

21. Are you in a relationship? Yes. (see question 19)

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? My cat, Kit. I found her as a kitten when I was 12 years old, and she died from cancer when I started University.

23. Who is your best friend? My childhood friend, Simone.

24. What is your eye color? Blue-ish Gray, I think.

25. What is your hair color? We call it liver paste in Denmark, lol. In Japan, it’s blonde.

26. Who is someone you love? My husband, my best friend and my biological younger siblings.

27. Who is someone you trust? (I read this as someone you can tell anything and everything) My husband and my best friend.

28. Who is someone you think about often? My mother and my grandmother. They don’t talk to each other, and I often worry about them, hoping they can patch it up before my grandparents are gone...

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? Oh yes! I am going on my second internship at the end of January! I can’t wait. (Also, the release of Nelke and the Legendary Alchemists in March <3 )

30. What is your biggest obsession? Writing stories. I am really bad at it, though. #Writer’sBlocks

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Winx Club, lol. I still like it a lot.

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My husband.

33. Are you superstitious? I don’t believe I am, no.

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Cygnophobia, a fear of swans. When I was three years old, me, my grandmother and my baby sister (who was 1 at the time) were chased through the local park by a swan. It was nesting season. I don’t remember it, but I’ve always been terrified of the bird.

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it – I hate my smile/teeth.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Writing stories and playing video games.

37. What was the last book you read? School books – probably ‘The Bible, the Torah and the Quran’.

38. What was the last movie you watched? Fantastic Beasts – the Crimes of Grindelwald.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? None, but I used to play the Organ.

40. What is your favorite animal? Cats or Snakes.

41. What are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow? @goneril-capp, @racingllama, @calisimgirl, @gerbits and @storylegacysims.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Teleportation. As a commuter, travel times are killer.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? When I’m alone at home.

44. What makes you smile? Working with children, and rewatching my favorite episodes of TV series.

45. What sports do you play, if any? None. I really like to swim though.

46. What is your favorite drink? Coconut Lemonade or Pinã Colada.

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Last week? I use pen and notebook in school, so I often write small notes to my classmates.

48. Are you afraid of heights? If I can look straight down, then yes. I don’t mind standing on a balcony and looking out over a city, but rides that throw you straight down, or looking down from a window terrifies me.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? When someone leaves the TV on while doing something else -___- IT’S SO ANNOYING. If you watch TV, you watch TV, you don’t run around the house doing other stuff. Using the TV for music is fine, but leaving on a the TV and going back and forth between that and something else is so annoying to me.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Once or twice. I went to a WINNER concert when I was in Japan. It was an amazing experience!

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? Nope.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? An archaeologist or astronaut.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? I’m not sure if it counts, but I’d love to live in the world of Doctor Who. It’s basically just our world but with a time traveling alien jumping around saving the world on a frequent basis.

54. What is something you worry about? Economy. All the time.

55. Are you scared of the dark? Not particularly.

56. Do you like to sing? I love it!

57. Have you ever skipped school? I skipped every Sports Day in grade school, and I’ve skipped school a couple of times when some new video games I really wanted came out.

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Japan, definitely.

59. Where would you like to live? Denmark, for economical and cultural reasons.

60. Do you have any pets? No. I REALLY WANT A CAT. But once my husband and I move into a house in a few years’ time, we’ve agreed to get dogs.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Definitely a night owl. There’s (almost) nothing I hate more than waking up early.

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets.

63. Do you know how to drive? No. I don’t trust myself nearly enough to drive a car responsibly, so I’ll leave that to my husband.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Headphones.

65. Have you ever had braces? No... But now that I’m older, I wish I had.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Kpop all day, every day. And if that fails, then Jazz.

67. Who is your hero? Hmm... Fictional or Real? If Fictional, then the Doctor. If not, then Stephen Fry, which is basically the same thing, really, lol.

68. Do you read comic books? Occasionally.

69. What makes you the most angry? Racists, Xenophobes, Homophobes and generally, people who live in their own little piece of the world and believes that that is how everyone should live.

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Electronic Device. I’m very forgetful, so I always end up placing real books somewhere I’ll never find them again.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? Currently? English or History. Among all the subjects I’ve ever had? Japanese Conversation Classes.

72. Do you have any siblings? I have two biological, one half, four step and one adopted.

73. What was the last thing you bought? A bottle of Marzipan shots. Delicious.

74. How tall are you? 169 centimeters.

75. Can you cook? HA! I can burn water.

76. What are three things that you love? Smoothies, Dreams and my Duvet.

77. What are three things that you hate? Racists, Politicians and Parmesan Cheese.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Equal, I think? Maybe slightly more male?

79. What is your sexual orientation? Heterosexual.

80. Where do you currently live? Randers, Denmark.

81. Who was the last person you texted? My husband.

82. When was the last time you cried? Two days ago.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Plenty of different ones: Outside Xbox, Outside Xtra, TearofGrace, ChristopherOdd, SimSupply and Simlicy are my current tops.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Absolutely not.

85. What is your favorite app? Tumblr or Otome Amino.

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? I have no relationship with the man who donated the sperm that eventually became me. My relationship with my mom and my dad (her new husband) is great, although a bit rocky at times because of my intense honesty, lol.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? … I don’t like accents, lol. I like dialects a lot! I like the Southern dialect of American English, and the Kansai dialect of Japanese.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? The Valley of Kings in Egypt and China.

89. What is your favorite number? 7.

90. Can you juggle? Lol, nope.

91. Are you religious? I believe there is something we can’t explain or see or fathom, but I don’t particularly care about what it is, and I don’t buy into any of the current world religions. I find religions hella fascinating though!

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer Space. I’m afraid of the deep ocean, lol.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Not even close.

94. Are you allergic to anything? No.

95. Can you curl your tongue? Don’t know what this means, lol.

96. Can you wiggle your ears? That I cannot.

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? Depends. I don’t like admitting I was wrong when arguing with my baby brother, but with everyone else, I usually fess up once I’ve calmed down a bit.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? The beach.

99. What is your favourite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? I don’t think I was given the advice rather than figuring out for myself that that was how I wanted to live my life, but John Barrowman once said something that really struck a chord with me: “Never apologize for being nerdy, because unnerdy people never apologize for being assholes.”

100. Are you a good liar? I suppose I’m good at white lies? But I never think they’re lies, lol. It’s like, my husband will ask ‘did you do the dishes’, and I’ll instinctively answer ‘yes’ because I thought I did it, and then I’ll realize I’m not done yet, and I’ll rectify myself.

101. What is your hogwarts house? Hufflepuff Forever!!

102. Do you talk to yourself? In a manner of speaking. If I’m alone, I like to walk around and talk out stories I’m planning like I’m in a play. Like, I’ll imagine I’m in a part of the story I haven’t planned yet, and then talk out what the characters are saying to see if I can get the story to move forward.

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Hmm... Don’t know?? I used to be an extreme introvert, but when I started University I decided that I wanted to talk more with my classmates, and now I’m sort of in the middle, I think??

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? Nope. Used to though.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Absolutely.

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Find the owner – if that doesn’t work, hand it in at the police station.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Definitely.

108. Are you ticklish? Very much so. My husband likes to cuddle, but I frequently push him away, because his cuddles tickle me... It’s a struggle.

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes, close to ten times, I think.

110. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? The Doctor. I myself hate humanity at the best of times, so watching a timeless alien who sees the best in our race despite all of our failings is very inspiring.

112. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, I have a sibling tattoo with my two biological siblings. It’s three arrows over cross, that point to each of our birth years.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Getting interested in Anime back when I was 12 years old, I think. It led to me meeting my best friend at the age of 14, learning one of the coolest languages in the world, meeting my husband, going on exchange to Kobe for the best four months of my life and making tons of friends I’d never have met otherwise.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yes.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Nope, my vision is perfect for the moment.

116. Do you want children? Absolutely, and as soon as possible too.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? Depends on the subject matter? We’re all pretty smart with our own things, I believe. I’m the best in my class when it comes to Grammar, for instance, while the others are great at other parts of our classes.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? Getting my first scooter at the age of 16 and driving straight into the side of car after leaving the dealer’s. I’ve never ridden another automatic vehicle since then.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Oh yes, so many times.

120. What color are most of you clothes? Greys and blacks.

121. Do you like adventures? Reading about them? Definitely. Going on them? Nope.

122. Have you ever been on TV? Yes. Me and a classmate of mine were interviewed in high school because we were two of the first students to take Chinese as an elective subject at the school.

123. How old are you? 25 years old.

124. What is your favorite quote? “Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway” – the Third Doctor, “Planet of the Daleks”, 1973.

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? SWEET. I have such a sweet tooth, half of it would be enough.

#non sims #get to know me #simself

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sleepybiflinge · 6 years

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2,3,6,12,15,17,19,24,26,28

2. What’s your type?

Oh fuck. This is... I don’t really have a type in particular? I easily crush on anyone pretty much. But if I had to give an answer for girls, I guess most common is shorter hair, and/or different colored hair? But it’s obviously not just that. I like all girls p much. Guys, however? Very picky. Like, extremely.

3. do you want kids? (I’m also adding 4: if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth? because i end up talking about it too lol)

I mean, yeah I do. Mainly because I practically grew up raising my younger siblings so it... Just makes sense? But I wouldn’t be mad if my S/O doesn’t? But to hit on question 4 (see, told ya. Should’ve asked it tbh) I’d rather adopt? Unless my S/O really wants to go through the whole pregnancy thing, then maybe? But honestly that’s their decision to make, not mine, y’know?

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)

LMFAO! I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips much less do the diddly. But, and here’s where the (RAPE TW) Comes into play, I’ve experienced 2 situations where I have received nonconsensual blowjobs? But I think that’s it? And I mean, one situation I didn’t exactly comprehend fully but didn’t mind? (Keep in mind, I was 8, she was 13 or 14? So there was definitely an imbalance but she was also underage so idk) The other one was that one time I had a sleepover with my ex-best friend and then woke up to him giving me the most painful head ever? I pretended to stay asleep, of course, because wtf do you do in that situation? I still see him though, but we don’t really talk anymore. I never truly confronted him though. But I also ended up forgiving both of them I guess? Which is why I don’t really mind talking about it anymore? Although I don’t think I ever did?

AANYWAY MOVING ON TO HAPPIER QUESTIONS!!!

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone

Idk... An asshat, bigot, republican, racist, sexist, generally anyone who’s a piece of garbage? That’s basically it. Don’t be an ass and you should be fine.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?

I mean, I kinda went into it above, but I’d say I’m a very harsh critic when it comes to men. Girls? Any and all girls are fuckin great! Guys? Most are trash. Consider this: if I’m Gordon Ramsey, girls are Hell’s Kitchen UK, where the most minor inconveniences are shit like undersalted food or like menu is a little weird. Men? Hell’s kitchen US. There are cockroaches everywhere, food is rotting, the owner is a drunk. Occasionally, you come across an okay US restaurant that’s just struggling a little. Occasionally. Okay, spiel over.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?

Cafe gay. I like to party too, but like... Cafes are nice and relaxing. Good atmosphere. Plus, good writing environment lmao.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?

WHY?!?!?! I... CAN’T WE LIKE ALL THE THINGS? ALL THE ABOVE I’M FUCKIN BI YOU CAN’T ASK ME TO MAKE CHOICES LIKE THIS!!!

24. have you ever been heartbroken?

Oh hell yeah. (twice? I guess?) One was way back in like middle school, my ex-gf from Russia apparently cheated on me with my best friend? And... I... Just happened to find them together my second trip back to visit family? I mean, to be fair, I knew it wouldn’t last, and I think I was going to break it off during those 3 weeks I was there but still? It still hurt? The second one was (what I considered) my first serious relationship. It was in high school, and I just got over (the above) so I finally gathered up the courage to ask her out one day when we were hanging out her first day back from a long trip she took. And everything seemed to be fine? I was happy, I thought she was too? (We only went one one official date I think) but it was nice. We never became exclusive tbh. I figured that was fine, though. Then I asked her out to go for a Valentine’s day date (I had a pretty elaborate date planned out tbh) and... then she dumped me? Keep in mind I don’t even think it lasted 2 months? And so I spent the next 2-3 months being more depressed than ever (this is the period of time where everything shitty happened. we had to put down our dog because of old age, and the cat that was mine since I was a little kid that we had to leave in Russia died because my aunt left him in the cold to freeze one night, so it wasn’t just a bad heartbreak lol, I think that was the lowest point I’ve ever been) And I think what made it worse was that like 2 weeks after she ended things, she was dating another dude (who I always thought was an ass, tbh) which didn’t exactly make me feel better lol. Sorry, I really went on a full rant again. And once again, I’ve completely forgiven both parties in this regard. It took ages to get over though, and after starving myself for months, I ended up gaining a helluva lot of wait since then. (Here is the breakdown: Started off at 160, dropped to a solid 145 in 3 months, then was quite a bit over 200 by the end of senior year of HS. I’m like 220 now, and that’s after I shedded a bit of weight) Anyway sorry, I try not to be depressing I swear!

26. favourite lgb musician/band

HAYLEY KIYOKO IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY FAVOURITE!!!! I SWEAR! I’ve been binging her music. And I mean. Nonstop. Feelings, Girls like Girls, and Pretty Girl are some of my favourites but they’re all great tbh.

Other artists that I like that are LGBT: Superfruit! (And Hozier should probably count) Also I really like Tyler, the Creator. And I’m sure I’m forgetting some lmao.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out?

To most if not all of my friends? Yes. Some classmates? Also yes. Parents? Nope. Won’t do it for the longest time. My mom is hardcore homophobic. My dad’d be cool with it. I’m just afraid of excommunication or some shit. Idk tho. When I’m old enough/ when I date a dude I guess?

#rape tw #rape cw #Anonymous

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mexicanwhitegirlz · 7 years

Text

Just a rant.

I had lived in Mexico all my life. I am mexican by blood, but some ancestors were Scottish by mom's side and by dad's side there was a white tribe I can't remember its name but his mom (My Granny rest her soul) was very, very white, so somehow, even when the rest of their families were a "Normal, Mexican Skin shade" I was born white. Let me ramble about the so called "White Privilege" : For me was hell. White privilege? More like white bullyinglege(I know, I know made up word but I could not come with smething better or worse tbh) In primaria (is like first years of Elementary in USA)I was name called: Casper, bolillo (its a kind of white bread) and transparent. Kids would push me, ignore me and make stories that I was an evil spirit and stuff. I do not have happy memories out of home from 3 to 12 years old. Kind of sad, I was a very lonely girl. I didn't like that kind of treatment and I preferred to be alone. In Secundaria (is like the last years of elementary in USA) things weren't as terrible like at primaria. There was a bit of name calling but I guess I got used to it and ignored it mostly. The class I got in got a few white skinned people so the bulling was not focused solely on myself, but shared between us, the whites. But to be honest I have no contact with anyone from secundaria. In Preparatoria (highschool) Best time of my childhood. People were more centred ad educated, there where a few "white jokes" but those were reserved for my friends. I got a few friends here because we had things in common like anime and underground music, we where like the weirdos but it felt nice to be bullied for another thing that wasn't being so white that you couldn't make me out from a white wall. Honestly! How sad was that? hahaha. Anyways I got four good friends from here and we just hang out last night even after eleven years.(We met at 16 we are 26-28 now. No they are not white, before you ask.) Now let us back to the good ol' times at University. I was kind of dissapointed. There was name calling and bullying for being white again, and had to laugh with them. The other option was to retaliate or cry in a corner and make a fool of myself. I made a few friends here, but they weren't in my class, again anime and online games were the chains that bound us together. From my class I just talk to one person nowadays because I feel some kind of sadness towards the other ones who made fun of me... Here, happened the most aggravating event in my whole life. I was working in a proyect database (I was studying a TIC bachelor 4 years) at the computer lab, and a classmate approached me. I believed he would ask for help as I was tutoring another classmate and I was kind of upssetti because it was THAT time of the month(I was kind of the nerd). So anyways, the guy approached me, pokes me in my arm and asks me "¿Qué se siente estar tan blanquita?" (What does it feels to be so white?) In a mocking tone. I was in my monthly pain, I was stressed because of the deadline for the proyect and I was trying to help a friend with hers. And this guy, an almost 28 year old guy, comes to me to ask that bloody, senseless, childish question? I snapped. For the first time in all my shitty life I retaliated. I asked him back; in an angry tone "¿Qué se siente estar tan cafecito?" (How does it feels to be so brown) He had the audacity to actually gasp and to look surprised. He had the hypocrisy to tell the teacher and the whole class on me. I got even angrier. THE NERVE OF THE GUY! "She's racist" he yelled. "She called me cafecito (brown)" he yelled. The teacher was surprised and concerned. She never heard me or saw me being an racist asshole. So in front of the rest of the class she asked me what happened. I told her he asked his dumb question first. Luckily several of my classmates supported my version of the events and she scolded the guy. We all laughed off the event. But I was kind of sad and scared. What if my classmates didn't support me? Would I have been expelled? Thankfully I'll never know. There's no racists or homophobes in this world. Just sad, angry assholes who are afraid to open their minds and be the lovable people their bibles tell them to be.

#white privilege #racism #bullying #life #my life #school #friends #i am trash #angry #personal rant

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omuii · 7 years

Text

tagged by: @piiess! thank you 😎

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: the last phone call i actually answered was over two weeks ago 3. Text message: my last text was to my dad saying “i really want to go to college” 4. Song you listened to: california girls by the beach boys 5. Time you cried: earlier today actually because my dad told me that his super conservative, homophobic, racist parents would’ve changed their opinions and still loved me if they were alive today and knew i was gay because i was always their world

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: like the same person twice? no 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i was really wasted one night and made out with this guy maurice that i had literally just met that night 8. Been cheated on: not that i know of 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: a better question is have i ever NOT been depressed 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yep :^) the first time i had been drinking vodka and root beer and in the middle of the night my mom woke my drunk ass up asking if i was okay and if i had been drinking and all i kept saying was “i had too much root beer”

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: greyish blue, prussian blue, pastel blue, i love blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yas 16. Fallen out of love: yes 17. Laughed until you cried: numerous times 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes 19. Met someone who changed you: yes 20. Found out who your friends are: yes 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: my gf

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: at least 100-150 of them, mostly classmates from high school + family and friends of friends 23. Do you have any pets: my cat socks who just hacked up a hairball as soon as i started answering these questions :^) 24. Do you want to change your name: no, i love my name a lot 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: drank champagne and ate chicken enchiladas and chocolate chip cookie cake 26. What time did you wake up: it’s 4:17am and i just woke up at 3:30am after 12 hours of sleeping 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 28. Name something you can’t wait for: a happy future 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like ten minutes ago i peeked into her bedroom she’s asleep 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: *slam dunks my depression straight into the fucking garbage* 31. What are you listening right now: my loud, ice-filled air conditioner 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my uncle tommy who ironically is the last someone special that i lost 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my parents, people in general 34. Most visited website: tumblr, facebook, nationstates, fanfiction.net, iemoji.com, my college site

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: i have beauty marks in random places if those are moles 36. Mark/s: too many to list, i’m covered in hundreds of scars 37. Childhood dream: to be a veterinarian 38. Hair color: brown 39. Long or short hair: long, when it’s down the very ends of my hair reach my ass lol 40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes 41. What do you like about yourself: my self-esteem has improved a lot in recent months, i look in the mirror and think i’m beautiful and i don’t hate who i am as a person anymore 42. Piercings: 6 in total, three on each ear. 5 lobe piercings, one cartilage 43. Blood type: O- 44. Nickname: tess, bees, omuii 45. Relationship status: taken by my gf 46. Zodiac: vile, vile scorpio 47. Pronouns: they/them, she/her but i prefer you use those only if you actually know me 48. Favorite TV Show: the x-files, ghost adventures, the sopranos, the twilight zone

49. Tattoos: none 50. Right or left hand: right-handed with everything except guns or bows 51. Surgery: none 52. Hair dyed in different color: never dyed, but one time at a carnival i got some of it sprayed green with temporary spray when i was a kid 53. Sport: not active in any of them right now, but i’m looking into training for kick-boxing again as well as muay thai and krav maga, and other sports i love are street hockey, volleyball, lacrosse, american football, football, and swimming 55. Vacation: i’d give anything to go back to the mountains 56. Pair of trainers: trainers are sneakers right? yfip me: new jersey dialect. i have 1 pair that i wear regularly and then a pair of grey converse that have been collecting dust for 20 years

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i’m hungry but it’s late and i’m tired and don’t want to wake anyone up 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: pass the time until i can sleep again 61. Waiting for: college, my parents to wake up, my last driving lesson + road test 62. Want: to be happy. also if my back would stop hurting that’d be a good bonus 63. Get married: it’s one of my dreams tbh, to get married and have kids 64. Career: a writer if i could actually get myself to write. but i’m thinking veterinary school or a career in agriculture/sustainable living

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: no preference 68. Older or younger: depends 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: all tummies are nice tummies 71. Sensitive or loud: neither 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: i’m a hesitant trouble-maker

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: if you count that kid maurice then yes 75. Drank hard liquor: yes 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i love a pair of glasses one night when i was really drunk and never found them again, thankfully i had a spare pair 77. Turned someone down: sort of 78. Sex on the first date: no 79. Broken someone’s heart: i have no idea 80. Had your heart broken: yeah but i’m definitely over it lol 81. Been arrested: no but i got brought home at 3am in a cop car once 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: not very much 85. Miracles: sometimes 86. Love at first sight: sometimes 87. Santa Claus: no but i still watch the norad santa tracker every christmas religiously 88. Kiss on the first date: to each their own but don’t do this to me

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: chelsea, james, a shit ton of my internet friends 91. Eye color: blueish greyish blue 92. Favorite movie: fargo, the grand budapest hotel, the book thief, the jungle book (live action), deadpool, probably more

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE:

@to-japan-and-back, @pachiponikosan, @fern-is-bored, @7eokjin, @lordsardine, @fallenprussiansoldier, @perisaur, @mallowmint, @arturkirkland, @mrkikuhonda, @kiebitze, @belarusaph, @elderprvce, @aphusa, @nescafes, @hetaliamatsu, @furealdo64, @flowersangelsdeath, @vunv, & @der-kurfuerst

i just tagged the last 20 mutuals in my activity, don’t feel obligated to do this if you don’t want to

#tagged #about me #long post

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troey-jibiani · 7 years

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Listen. This has taken me all day to post. I had it all ready to go and Ao3 decided to be contrary, but it’s here. I did it!

His time is running out.

Ok, so that sounds really Extra, but it’s actually a good thing. Derek’s time is running out–the numbers on his wrist are ticking downward, meaning he’s going to meet his soulmate soon.

In approximately 45 seconds.

He’s not freaking out. Really. None of the other people here can tell he’s about to meet the love of his life. He’s good at keeping it all in.

He just so happens to be standing in a group of high school seniors, all considering attending Samwell next year and playing hockey there.

There’s this guy, who walks up next to him. He doesn’t pay him much attention, he’s got to keep his eyes open for his soulmate. Three, two–

“You sure you’re in the right place? You don’t really look like a hockey player,” the guy says blandly. Derek doesn’t know how to take that. Is he saying it because Derek’s Black, or because he’s dressed like he just walked out of poetry night in a dimly lit coffee house? Either one hurts, but one is significantly worse than the other.

“Bro. Check your timer,” Derek urges instead of acknowledging Mr. Whitest Boy Alive’s possible racist comment.

“Fuck,” Pasty gasps. “This has to be some kind of mistake.”

Oh, ok. So White Boy has been significantly downgraded to White Asshole™. “Wow. Aren’t you just pumped to have a soulmate,” Derek snips.

“I didn’t mean it like that, man,” White Asshole™ backpedals.

“I’m sure you didn’t. Kindly fuck off and pretend this didn’t happen,” Derek sighs, “and I won’t mention it either.”

Before the royal douchebag can protest, there’s a girl telling them to follow her, and the tour has started. Derek does his best to ignore the guy for the rest of the tour, and he doesn’t make any effort to talk to Derek either.

He avoids the guy for the campus tour as well. This one is lead by two of the guys who are already on the team, a small southern man that makes Derek uncomfortable when he first hears his voice but then immediately comfortable again when he hands him a gift bag, and Shitty, a dude Derek went to school with.

Shitty makes sure to whisper to him that while the southerner–Bitty–is indeed a Georgia Peach, he’s by no means bigoted. (White Asshole™ makes a comment about expecting the Samwell Hockey team to be ‘less good at baking.’ Seriously fuck this guy.)

He doesn’t so much as look at Apparently Racist and Homophobic Dickwad after that, and hopes that Bitty was the straw that broke the camel’s back for him so he won’t show up at freshman orientation in the fall.

He shows up at freshman orientation in the fall. Well, actually, he shows up before that because the first optional skate is before orientation, and Derek and White Asshole™ both decide to go.

“Hey man, listen. I didn’t mean that I–”

“I thought I told you I wasn’t talking about this,” Derek hisses. “Look, asshat. You don’t call your soulmate a mistake. But hey. You don’t want to, like, date me or whatever the fuck? That’s chill.”

“But that wasn’t–”

Nursey isn’t going to let the dickbag talk. “I don’t care. Just forget it already, man.”

And that’s that. Months go by, the coaches pair him and White Asshole™ (his name is Dex, but to Derek he’s always going to be White Asshole™) together as defensemen, they fight like crazy, but neither of them bring up being soulmates. None of the team knows, because no one knows to ask.

For some reason, the goalie, Chowder, decides that Nursey and Dex are both his best friends, which is a problem. Derek likes Chowder, he does, but he can’t get along with Dex to save his life.

It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if Chowder could just hang out with them separately, but he insists on having the three of them study together in his room, or go to Annie’s together, or sit together at team gatherings.

And now he’s got Bitty trying to play referee. Since they don’t get along, someone has to, right?

Derek’s going insane.

Dex, Derek notices, doesn’t drink much. In that respect, they’re polar opposites, as Derek gets absolutely fucking trashed at any chance he gets.

So it’s a bit of a surprise when they somehow get their roles reversed.

Derek has been nursing (ha) one beer all night, the nicer shit that he convinced Shitty to buy and hide in the back of the fridge. Dex is on tub juice number three, and while he’s certainly holding it better than Derek would, he’s more drunk than Derek has ever seen him before.

Apparently, drunk Dex wants to be around Nursey way more than sober Dex.

“Nursey,” Dex slurs, throwing his arm around Derek’s shoulders, “fuck bro I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Did you need something?” Derek asks, slowly, because Dex doesn’t seem to be at full Poindexter Processing Speed right now. Shut up, it makes sense in Derek’s head, alright?

“N’really. I just wanted to see you. Fuck. How did I end up with you as a soulmate?”

“Dex, we’re not talking about this, and especially not here,” Nursey warns.

Dex frowns, and leans his head against Derek’s. “Just because I’m not good at words. I didn’t mean to ruin everything. I didn’t think you were mine.”

Derek is confused. Dex had called him a mistake. Dex didn’t want him, just like everyone else around him eventually came to realize. His parents were never there for him, his classmates at Andover were only ever party friends, and sooner or later the rest of the SMH were going to figure out that they didn’t want him either.

“Too pretty. I thought, like, no? Not him? Not even close to your league, Poinde–Poindex–Poindexter. Plus you’re fuckin’ annoying,” Dex babbles.

“Yeah right. Tell me that tomorrow morning when you’re not schwasted.”

Dex lifts his head up and Looks Nursey in the eye. It appears to take a lot of effort. “’M not that drunk. Maybe a little. But not that much.”

“Still. I’m not believing a word you say until you say it sober.”

Derek thanks whatever celestial being that they don’t have practice in the morning. He’s not hungover, but last night’s kegster lasted a long time, so he’s a little sleep deprived. He revels in his opportunity to sleep in, to just lay in bed with nowhere to go.

And then someone starts pounding on his door. “Nurse! Open up! Nursey!”

That sounds suspiciously like Dex, so he gets up, remembers to at least put on pants, and stumbles to the door. “What the fuck, Poindexter. Let a guy sleep in on the only day he gets to.”

“You told me to tell you what I told you last night again when I wasn’t drunk. I’m mildly hung over but my headache’s almost gone and I’m Irish so my entire family would be super disappointed in me if three drinks did me in.”

“You have my attention,” Derek mumbles, dropping back down on his bed.

“Ok. So. I’ve kind of tried to say this before and you wouldn’t listen? I didn’t mean to say that I thought us being soulmates was a mistake. I just meant that there was no way that someone like you could possibly be stuck with, well, me.”

Derek looks up at Dex. He’s standing awkwardly, with his hands crammed in his pockets. His face matches his hair, and he doesn’t seem to be able to look at Nursey.

“But no matter what I say I always seem to say the wrong thing? Especially if I’m talking to you. It just. It doesn’t come out the way I want it to.”

Derek doesn’t want to believe him. Dex is just another person in his life that’s going to walk out eventually.

“What the fuck Nurse, no I’m not.”

So Derek is apparently drowsy enough to say that last part out loud.

“Is that really what you think? That I’m just going to leave? Last time I checked, we’re soulmates. I’m stuck with your ridiculous ass no matter what.”

“But you like my ridiculous ass,” Derek quips. “You said it yourself. You think I’m miles out of your league.”

“I also said you’re annoying,” Dex reminds him, but he’s smiling. Dex is finally looking at him, and he doesn’t seem so uncomfortable anymore. “As luck would have it, so am I.”

“Can I get that in writing?”

Dex laughs. “Shut the fuck up. I’m serious, though. Just because other people in your life haven’t cared about you enough to stick around–which we are discussing later because what the fuck, Nurse–doesn’t mean I’m going to do the same thing. If nobody else stays, I will.”

Derek props himself up on his elbows. Dex is so earnest. He always is, really, but this? This is Dex begging him to understand that they’re meant for each other even if Derek wanted to push him away to try to save himself the heartbreak.

Apparently, there was no mistake after all.

#nurseydex #nursey week #please send help #Ao3 hates me today #my lobster son

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jangyeevns · 4 years

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now that that's out of the way, can my d*d fucking leave already ?? like, Leave leave 🙃

#mental health tw #death tw #ok SO #ik i've been mia for a bit while i work on my mental health but GOD do i need to vent #so my dad doesn't understand shit. i don't wanna have whole events or days be dictated by his ramblings of x dead or sick person i know #my anxiety had gotten so bad that i started fearing my own mortality and health bc of the aging population around here #like.. would get nervous that i had cancer of some sort and would have extended bouts of anxiety WITHIN a year long bout bc of it #but bc i didn't wanna tell the closet homophobe racist and anti immigrant man in my house that i have a Mental Illness #i had to sit through his rants about so and so or my uncle before a close family friend's Unconfirmed cancer diagnosis became his next spiel #of the week. i lost it bc i didn't want to hear about it like this and before even hearing why?? starts calling me childish #uses my recently deceased uncle for the nth time to guilt me for acting this way until i tell him i'm on meds for anxiety which he seems to #brush off. anyways. figured he knew now bc i mentioned that eating better helps you feel better mentally too and he seemed chill #so when he started dragging out the sudden death of an old classmate's dad who i kind of knew and who i've been thinking about for days now #i got agitated. heard it at church last night and i suspect it's partially to blame for my current anxiety flare up that started at mass #read it all over facebook. heard it on the radio. then he starts the morning with us by talking about the poor man and how he might've died #and he does this a lot. fixates on parents of my brother and i's classmates who pass that he Vaguely knew when we were kids #goes on and on as if he knew them well while making it clear he didn't really know them. he treats death as just another talking point #as if it's just another story people are DYING to hear from him. so imagine how disgusted i feel about that Alone #factor in that i'm having a rough time with my anxiety since my new dosage isn't helping sudden bouts rn and it's a fucking mess #so i went to him right before dinner. eye makeup done right nice Just to tell him Not to bring it up while we eat #can't even explain before he flies off the fucking handle and i start walking away and crying bc i'm Stressed and Done with everything #i just didn't wanna sit through dinner hearing about it nor did i wanna walk away bc he brings it up while we eat and i Can't sit through it #but nooo i'm suppressing his ability to speak !! god forbid he brings up his brother !! boo fucking hoo.#he's a fucking bastard and i Don't need to deal with this. i Don't need him fucking invalidating my discomfort #just so he can hear himself talk since he has nothing going for him. i Don't need to walk on eggshells with him #when it's no secret that he doesn't Actually respect his own children. he only cares about us when we act like he knows all #and when we offer him something to use as a talking point for his drinking buddies while he bitches about our mom #otherwise he'll badmouth us too. but if i dare to speak back to him vs my brother?? god FORBID his wife's child speaks to him like that !#bc that's when i'm no daughter of his alfkslf fucking prick.#anyways ! hope they divorce in the new year so he can live out his days like the jobless alcoholic and unbothered bayman he wants to be !

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biofunmy · 4 years

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Tales From the Teenage Cancel Culture

A few weeks ago, Neelam, a high school senior, was sitting in class at her Catholic school in Chicago. After her teacher left the room, a classmate began playing “Bump N’ Grind,” an R. Kelly song.

Neelam, 17, had recently watched the documentary series “Surviving R. Kelly” with her mother. She said it had been “emotional to take in as a black woman.”

Neelam asked the boy and his cluster of friends to stop playing the track, but he shrugged off the request. “‘It’s just a song,’” she said he replied. “‘We understand he’s in jail and known for being a pedophile, but I still like his music.’”

She was appalled. They were in a class about social justice. They had spent the afternoon talking about Catholicism, the common good and morality. The song continued to play.

That classmate, who is white, had done things in the past that Neelam described as problematic, like casually using racist slurs — not name-calling — among friends. After class, she decided he was “canceled,” at least to her.

Her decision didn’t stay private; she told a friend that week that she had canceled him. She told her mother too. She said that this meant she would avoid speaking or engaging with him in the future, that she didn’t care to hear what he had to say, because he wouldn’t change his mind and was beyond reason.

“When it comes to cancel culture, it’s a way to take away someone’s power and call out the individual for being problematic in a situation,” Neelam said. “I don’t think it’s being sensitive. I think it’s just having a sense of being observant and aware of what’s going on around you.”

The term “canceled” “sort of spawned from YouTube,” said Ben, a high school junior in Providence, R.I. (Because of their age and the situations involved, The New York Times has granted partial anonymity to some people. We have confirmed details with parents or schoolmates.)

He talked about the YouTuber James Charles, who was canceled by the platform’s beauty community in May after some drama with his mentor, Tati Westbrook, also a YouTuber, and a vitamin entrepreneur. That was a big cancellation, widely covered, that helped popularize the term. Teenagers often bring it up.

Ben, 17, said that people should be held accountable for their actions, whether they’re famous or not, but that canceling someone “takes away the option for them to learn from their mistakes and kind of alienates them.”

His school doesn’t have much bullying, he said, and the word carries a gentler meaning in its hallways, used in passing to tease friends. Often, the joke extends beyond people. One week, after students were debating the safety of e-cigarettes and vaping, some declared that Juul was canceled.

[Here’s what Barack Obama has to say about cancel culture.]

It took some time for L to understand that she had been canceled. She was 15 and had just returned to a school she used to attend. “All the friends I had previously had through middle school completely cut me off,” she said. “Ignored me, blocked me on everything, would not look at me.”

Months went by. Toward the end of sophomore year, she reached out over Instagram to a former friend, asking why people were not talking to her. It was lunchtime; the person she asked was sitting in the cafeteria with lots of people and so they all piled on. It was like an avalanche, L said.

Within a few minutes she got a torrent of direct messages from the former friend on Instagram, relaying what they had said. One said she was a mooch. One said she was annoying and petty. One person said that she had ruined her self-esteem. Another said that L was an emotional leech who was thirsty for validation.

“This put me in a situation where I thought I had done all these things,” L said. “I was bad. I deserved what was happening.”

Two years have passed since then. “You can do something stupid when you’re 15, say one thing and 10 years later that shapes how people perceive you,” she said. “We all do cringey things and make dumb mistakes and whatever. But social media’s existence has brought that into a place where people can take something you did back then and make it who you are now.”

In her junior year, L said, things got better. Still, that rush of messages and that social isolation have left a lasting impact. “I’m very prone to questioning everything I do,” she said. “‘Is this annoying someone?’ ‘Is this upsetting someone?’”

“I have issues with trusting perfectly normal things,” she said. “That sense of me being some sort of monster, terrible person, burden to everyone, has stayed with me to some extent. There’s still this sort of lingering sense of: What if I am?”

Alex is 17, and she hears the word “canceled” every day at her high school outside Atlanta. It can be a joke, but it can also suggest that an offending person won’t be tolerated again. Alex thinks of it as a permanent label. “Now they’ll forever be thought of as that action, not for the person they are,” she said.

“It’s not like you’ll sit away from them at lunch or something,” she said. “It’s just a lingering thought in the back of your mind, a negative connotation.”

During a mock trial practice a couple of weeks before a big competition, the song “Act Up” by City Girls was playing. One of Alex’s teammates, who is of Indian descent, rapped along with the lyrics, which include a racist slur.

The students, who until that point had been chatty because their teacher wasn’t in the room, went silent. “I was the only black person in the room,” Alex said.

Alex and another friend on the team explained to their teammate why he shouldn’t have used that word. “We’re a team, so we can’t have tension exist there,” she said.

He said he understood why they were uncomfortable but that it wouldn’t necessarily prevent him from using it again when singing along. He wouldn’t take it back.

“You’re canceled, sis,” her friend told the teammate. It was partially to lighten the mood, but also partly serious.

“It’s a joke, but still, we understand you have that opinion now and we’re not going to get closer,” Alex said.

Despite his initial tough stance, the teammate didn’t rap the word again, and Alex said that he had remained respectful during practice. The team took ninth and 11th place at the competition.

It was orientation day for freshmen at Sarah Lawrence College, where one new student was unnerved by a social justice group’s presentation. The presenters discussed pronoun use and called on the entering freshmen to “‘battle heteronormativity and cisgender language,’” the student said.

Even if you accidentally misgendered someone, the new students were told, you needed to be either called out or called in. (“Called in” means to be gently led to understand your error; call-outs are more aggressive.) The presenters emphasized that the impact on the person who was misgendered was what mattered, regardless of the intent of the person who had misgendered them.

The freshman thought back to a time when her father had misgendered a friend of hers. Her father had asked her to apologize on his behalf. She did. “‘I only get mad when people intentionally try to misgender me because they feel like they have to correct who I am,’” she recalled her friend saying.

Sarah Lawrence has fewer than 1,500 undergraduates. One upperclassman she became friends with said that she had been canceled in her own freshman year.

But, this upperclassman said, the politics enforced through cancellation don’t always fit neatly into the social dynamics of college.

“I think where it loses me, we’re taking these systems that are applying huge abstract ideas of identity’s role and we’re shrinking it into these interpersonal, one-on-one, liberal arts things,” the upperclassman said.

Among the upperclassman’s friend group now, the idea of cancellation is “basically a joke.” Too many people had been canceled. At a recent party the upperclassman had attended, one guy said, “‘If you haven’t been canceled, you’re canceled.’”

One night during Mike’s freshman year at a New York state college, he and a group of friends were headed to a party downtown. As they were waiting for their Uber, someone cracked a political joke, and then the casual conversation turned confrontational. One of Mike’s friends asked his roommate, D, if he was a Trump supporter.

D had a history of making the group uncomfortable. Mike and their mutual friend Phoebe said that he would made sexist, homophobic and racist remarks in past hangouts.

D said he did support the president — an anomaly in their liberal friend group — and “blew up” at the friend who asked the question. When the friend tried to change the subject, he became more upset. Mike stepped between the two to defuse the situation. “He got in my friend’s face, and that was the last straw,” Mike said.

He tried to cool D down; it didn’t work. D called Mike a homophobic slur, multiple times. The group split up. Mike didn’t return to his dorm that night, staying at a friend’s place instead.

“Even before this, we could tell, if I weren’t roommates with him, we wouldn’t have been friends,” Mike said. “So that was the breaking point for me, him saying that when I was sticking up for him.”

D left an apology note on Mike’s desk, which mostly tried to “justify his actions,” Mike said. “That set in my mind that he didn’t really feel bad about what he did,” he said. “He just felt bad for himself, that he would be looked at in a different light.”

A couple of days later, Phoebe, Mike and D sat down and D repeated the apology. Phoebe and Mike heard him out but said it didn’t clear him of wrongdoing and that he would have to demonstrate that he was different now. Both said that while D appeared sad about losing his friends, tearing up during their discussion, he didn’t show remorse.

Other friends didn’t accept the apology. “We wouldn’t tolerate it anymore, we cut him out of our lives,” Phoebe said.

Thus canceled, D moved from sadness to frustration and anger, Phoebe said. He grew “very bitter,” Phoebe said. She noticed that he had unfollowed and blocked the group on Snapchat and other social media a few weeks later.

“He did feel bullied by this whole canceled idea,” she said. “But in this case, no one felt bad doing it, because he didn’t really take responsibility for a lot of the things he said.”

Mike, though, still lives with D. He had signed on to live with him before the ordeal. They don’t speak. D has stopped acknowledging Mike and most everyone from their old group. “I’m definitely not living with him next year,” Mike said.

Phoebe managed to keep things civil. “Every time we see him, I still say hi,” she said. Sometimes, but not always, he nods or says hi back.

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