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#late night thoughts


I didn’t say everything I wanted to, because if I did, I really don’t know if you’d still be here. It either would’ve pushed you away or closed you off more. But because this blog has been my outlet for the last 8 years, this is where it will go.

I wish I could’ve met you earlier to save you from the heartbreak you’ve received. Not just from a few months ago, but even before that. I look at you and see someone who deserves the whole universe, and someone who deserves to feel adored, cared about, showed off, and appreciated deeper than any part of the ocean. I see someone who’s felt a lot of pain, and has had to keep it bottled in because the people you’ve been with haven’t been able to understand it. I see someone who has so much to give, and yet every person you’ve been with has treated you like every other rock they find on the ground. When in reality, you’re the diamond in the rough with a heart and soul that should be treated like so. You have a beautiful mind, and the way you think is unlike most. You see the world differently, and have such a different prespective because of the things you’ve been through. But I also see someone who doesn’t think they deserve this because of how they’ve been treated. You’ve become closed up, scared, built up unknown feelings about everything, overthinking even the slightest stuff, and not knowing when you’ll be yourself again. The craziest part, is that you will get treated in the same way you have treated others. You won’t ever have to overthink, you won’t get your heart broken, you won’t have to wonder whether you’re good enough. You must heal before this happens. But believe me, there’s a person that will give you every fucking bit of this shit when you are ready. That person will give you all that you have ever given to someone else. And that person will cherish you and care for you more than you ever thought you would be. That person is here, you just need to be healed before it happens. But believe me, that person will do just about anything for you, even right now. They see something different in you, and they will give you their all. You know who that person is, and that person won’t ever hurt you the way you have been.

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I think it’s important that even though people may not always have the best intentions with you, be kind anyways. Maybe they don’t show love in the same ways that you do, love them anyways. Too often we’re so wrapped up in what other people can do for us that we lose sight of what they might need. Some people need time, a little space or silence to gather their thoughts and find what their heart desires; give that to them. If it’s meant to be yours, it’ll come back. And if it doesn’t? Then at least you can say you had it for a little while. 

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sometimes it’s like i can have the very best day and no matter how great my mood is, my family can ruin it. tonight, my papaw embarrassed me really bad in front of some of our customers. he was talking to my uncle on the phone abt my mom, saying she’s 54(she’s actually 53 but he’s an ass and wouldn’t even know that) and should just quit working and go on social security bc she has a bad back and is extremely overweight. saying ALL of this in front of our customers, who literally see my mom at our business all the time. their faces clearly showed discomfort and i said “papaw. that’s my mom.” and he goes “and makayla, too. overweight.”

sometimes i wish i could just tell my family to shut the fuck up and learn some respect but ik that’s out of the question lol.

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What if you died at a young age and went to heaven. When you got there, God told you about all the things you would have experienced in life, including the person that would become your best friend. They create a copy of that person so you can be with them. You connect with and love them. But then eventually that person dies for real and goes to heaven as well. But they don’t see you as someone close to them because you never met

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Stasera ti ho pensata tanto, come non ti pensavo da un po’.. senza tutto quel filtro di sofferenza e rabbia che hanno caratterizzato gli ultimi giorni. Ho pensato ai momenti più belli, ho pensato a quanto la nostra relazione fosse difficile ma splendida. Non era tossica, non era dannosa, era fatta da due persone diverse che nella loro complessità avevano trovato il loro perché. Ci sono stati dei momenti splendidi, come quel ti amo nel nostro posto al BK che adesso non potrei nemmeno metterci piede senza piangere. Ci sono stati i litigi, più o meno furiosi ma fondamentali. Ho superato miei limiti personali e tu hai superato i tuoi. Ho conosciuto ogni sfaccettatura di te e della tua vita ed adesso non so più nulla, forse non so più nemmeno chi sei. Ho visto il mondo con i tuoi occhi e dal tuo fianco e mi è sempre sembrato bellissimo. Ogni oggetto, ogni posto, ogni parola mi riporta a momenti nostri ed a te. Se solo si potesse tornare indietro, dove c'era solo l'amore e l'entusiasmo, dove c'era la speranza di poter costruire qualcosa insieme (adesso so che era solo mia questa speranza). Se solo si potesse… ma non si può. Mi piacerebbe guardarti negli occhi un'ultima volta, quegli occhi che mi cercavano ai lati opposti della stanza, quegli occhi che mi guardavano quando io non guardavo, quegli occhi che erano chiusi quando ti baciavo e socchiusi quando ti sfioravo. Vorrei guardarti un'ultima volta negli occhi e vedere se non c'è più niente per me lì ormai. È stato così facile dirsi addio ora, e se davvero dei sentimenti ci sono stati, se davvero sono tutti fraintendimenti ed incomprensioni, riguardarsi negli occhi sarà come tornare indietro nel tempo di mesi. E se così non fosse dovrò solo accettare di aver perso l'amore della mia vita senza aver mai avuto una chance per averlo effettivamente nella mia vita. Sei stata il mio primo vero amore, e proprio come tale è quello che ha fatto più male e continuerà a far male. Forse non ci guarderemo mai più negli occhi, non ci sfioreremo mai più le mani, forse non saremo mai più quelle persone. Forse ho solo creduto di poter essere giusta per te, ma una come me non è quello che vuoi, non è la persona che vuoi. Forse non sono questa persona splendida che credevi io fossi. Mi sarebbe piaciuto l'avessi capito prima, tutte le volte che ti chiedevo se fossi sicura, se ti sentissi bene, se non ti sembrava tutto troppo, prima che tutto diventasse così tanto intenso. Ma doveva andare così. Adesso io scrivo un messaggio che non manderò, aspetto un messaggio che non riceverò, la sera ti penso e sto male per quanto ho perso, il giorno mi metto un sorriso finto in faccia e vado avanti come se niente fosse successo. Ecco come è la mia vita senza di te. Tra un po’ sarebbe stato il mio compleanno e lo avremmo potuto passare insieme, perché si può viaggiare di nuovo, ma non c'è nessun compleanno da festeggiare quest'anno, così come non ci sarà nessun anniversario. È tutto finito nel giro di una sera di Aprile, in quarantena, attraverso una serie di messaggi e vocali. Il dolore si affievolirà, i ricordi cominceranno a sbiadirsi ma non dimenticherò mai il tuo numero di telefono, quel giorno nella tua stanza, il nostro primo bacio e il primo ti amo. Così come non dimenticherò mai tutto questo dolore. Voglio dirtelo un'ultima volta, ti amo come mai ho amato nella mia vita. Buona vita, e spero che sia davvero buona per te.

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9th March 2020, lockdown

4th May 2020, boy/girlfriends can see each other again

18th May 2020, from now on also friends can meet up

30th May 2020, today, and we still haven’t seen each other. Yet we could have. To be honest I kind of hoped you’d want to see me already from 4th… even though we aren’t a couple (who we are really?, “friends” sharing beds sometimes?), I thought you wouldn’t mind saying I’m your gf (just for the sake of seeing each other). I was wrong. It seems like this all is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Wrong and nothing more|| It’s nearly June

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Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you. Here’s the only rule you need: If a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.


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Il momento più bello di un bacio è l'attimo prima che si sfiorino le labbra, quando ci si guarda negli occhi e si capisce che sta per accadere.


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I thought I was ready for love, yet here I am tired, and too frustrated to say I love you. I hoped loving you would be easy, given that I waited years for God to let me find you. I thought in the years he let me wait, he was preparing me for you - so that when the magic happens, falling and staying in love would be a piece of cake.

I thought I was ready for commitments, in giving my time, and maybe my life for someone like you. Regret lingers every now and then, because I give it a hundred percent and each night I break a little. A little every day until insidiously, a big piece is shattered.

I finally realize this is difficult. Its about tears and trying to hold on, and trying to move on past the heartache. The most difficult thing being, the decision to choose you over and over and over again despite all the bad and the good and the great and the hurt that happen in between.

As I move past the tears, its faith, hard work, forgiveness and love that do the work. But its that undeniable and wicked thing called love that keeps me.

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