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#late night thoughts

I should have not talked to you like I did. Although it was fun, it did not last. I want something that does. I think we could have done better. We could have been something. If we started as friends, we would still be talking by now.

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If you pull me apart, you’ll find the memories of her hidden within my heart, lingering and surfacing in my moments of weakness when I long for her voice in my ear, her hand on my cheek as she whispers goodnight, her soothing breaths moving in and out as she sleeps so close yet so far from me.

And if you put me back together, the pieces of her I treasured the most will remain forever within me.

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Do any of you ever feel like you’re slowly losing a friend?

Not like there was any fight or anything. More like: you were once close and then they slowly seem to be finding someone else they prefer to spend time with over you.

So you do everything you can to change yourself thinking maybe if you just make yourself a better person to be around then maybe they’ll realize they still care about you like they used to.

But all you end up doing is hurting yourself, because at the end of the day you are not the problem, and nothing you can do will change the fact that this person just isn’t valuing you like you deserve.

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It’s so crazy how much Tommy has grown over the past year, and no I don’t mean in popularity, I mean physically grown. I know he’s literally my age but it’s so cool that we get to see both him and Tubbo grow up and mature before our eyes.

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Idk if it’s just me but to my followers that write smut, is it weird that I don’t find my own smut hot? Is it like that for y’all. Because it’s like when you try to tickle yourself

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2:01 AM

It’s 2 AM and I’m wondering what it takes to be loved. 💔

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I need me some fic inspo to get through these trying times of seasonal depression

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pov: we’re sitting down together, i give u one half of my subway chocolate chip cookie and we watch people walk past us. some crumbs fall on my lap, a few of them to the floor. the tiniest ant of her colony grabs one of the stray crumbs all by herself, she feels very empowered after doing it. maybe we’re all doing our best, even when no one else seems to notice.

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Well, reading my latest Yuta fic, i realised I did not like it that much… But it looks like somebody did so thank you so so much. When exams are over I can’t wait to write something new 🤩. I just need the inspiration

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i’m making my little brother into an army and he keeps calling Namjoon “Dimple man” because he can’t remember their names yet. 

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I want shut down this certain feelings ad not talk about it and keep it for me, only for me as usual because its not that important and I still be able to talk about another important thing in my life that actually get me somewhere but am I lying to myself? Am I just hiding the true feelings and think that I can actually trick my ownself? Cause the truth is its not “not important” its anything but “not important” because I actually put a lot of effort to make it work. I sacrefice a lot of things for this even my own well being for this but now I already got the answer and the answer sounds so familiar. Its the voices in my head that I have since the beginning. The voices that tell me I just fight for nothing because I knew from the start that its all one sided and doesn’t matter how any thing you do or you would do to make it work, it will end before it shows the result wether its working or not. It’ll end when you know that you walk way too far but all you have left is just yourself carrying all the things that supposed to be carry by two people cause how heavy it is even a lot of these two people give up and leave it in the middle cause how heavy that gets over time and here I am realizing that I’ve been denying my own self, exhausted for the things that I am not capable of carry and in the end I asked myself what for? Who am I doing it for? I thought I am doing it for myself but is it even worth it that I almost lose sense of myself in the process? I know all I do is hurting myself in every single aspect in order to please my one side about me, my feelings which lately I had been questioning myself about it. I forget that love should’t be difficult and if that other person makes you think it is difficult so you have to work on it harder by yourself then maybe they are not the right one for you.

And those voices is right and I don’t know what to feel now I felt foolish, guilty run over me for treating myself this bad. The worst part is I am the one who decide to hurt myself for keep doing thing that I know the only one who going to get hurt is me. Cause I am the one who fall first. As stupid and as unfair as its sounds. I can’t believe after all I did to myself I still trying to covers everything up. Hiding my actual feelings to be unseen and just make list even longer, list of all f bad things that I have been doing to myself. I know that its always been how I cope with everything especially unfortunate thing that happen in my life. I forced myself to let it go doesn’t really care if it cured or not I keep cover and cover it up until one moment of my life that I am helplessly wounded and I can’t even figured shit out why. Too late to feel guilty or any kind of thing when thats just me not being truthful to myself about my actual feelings. Cause we can’t deny that its easier to drag your wounded self to the finish line than to sit down and figure out how to heal our wounds when we felt like we are in a race. I don’t know who the fuck I am racing with nor when I sign up for that race but that happen. Its easier to push yourself to move on without actually know what the truly mean of it and its easier to blame yourself when everything doesn’t seems to work out. I am glad that I finally have the courage to tell myself the truth about what I feel today.

Even if Igot to admit that the feelings still there and I don’t know what to do with it now. He came back and said he regret what he was done and I know that it only be fair if I not let my feelings take over this time cause i’ve been gave it a chance and all I get is a heart break. Its not too late to save myself so I did. But deep down I wish that he would’ve fight harder cause I still don’t know what to do with the feelings. Waiting for them to die for the last time. I still wish somehow we can cross our path again one time in our life. I don’t know how or when but I wish we will. One day when we are wiser and having wiser choices with us

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The thing about being a cringey teenager is that you never know if what you do is cringe until you grow up and your brain just reminds you of something years ago and your newly developed brain just goes: “what the actuall hell did I did back then?” a teenager I think about this a lot…

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