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#lately i felt very alone
vitruvianmanbara · 11 days
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not the kind of thing I usually share, but I came across the CDC's national intimate partner and sexual violence survey and their 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation, and some of the statistics for women are really shocking (tw for rape and assault)
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anyway I wanted to share these because I hear vague stats about queer women and sexual violence being thrown around constantly, but we rarely take a step back and look at the actual numbers these days. direct pdf download of the report here: 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation
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tragediegh · 2 months
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Love when I'm just going about my day, enjoying an afternoon off, and then my coworker texts me asking where I am 🤠🤠🤠
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briarhips · 2 months
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tell me something you think about often but seldom talk about
personal/family history. I mean the really nitty gritty memoir worthy reflections and replays that pop up in my head way too often w/o my consent. stuff I’ve never told anyone and never will bc I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t demean me to share it or be used as a weapon against me. maybe not even an active weapon anyone would use but like. one they would have on hand bc I forged it and put it in their hands. it’s a good thing previous attempts to open up to ppl have been met w indifference tbh bc it’s saved my very mouthy when angsty self a lot of complication. it happened. irregularly and not linear and painfully random but I dealt w/ it. I did a beautiful job even if no one else thinks so or notices or cares. and the burden of being more willfully weighed down by this history and these patterns that the family who experienced it too but from different angles choose to dismiss and ridicule me for paying attn to so they can cope better but in exchange never learn better (not that it matters, life treats them all better too so these are not skills they need to have ig) has to pay off. I have to offset the paralysis and stress of that awareness and overseriousness by making the blooming and withering stages of my life grow into polar opposites to what my baby self had to witness and be taught unintentionally to look forward to. If I get married it will be a fairytale/beyond beautiful and blessed and beneficial compared to anything I could dream up now. If I ever work full time to support myself it will be with hefty experience behind me and a strong foundation and enough drive to never regret trying not to betray myself and become somebody else’s problem despite my own capabilities. If I find the kind of companionship that I don’t yearn for but have been told I should, it’s still going to be childless. If I grow up and get to live alone I am going to have real true blue similar in thoughtfulness and synced in social battery IRL friends who don’t stress me and prove to me my best bubbly reliable capable self I haven’t been able to wake up in too long is still in there just being THEMselves. I will never again have to be suffocated by people who dismiss and ridicule me at every turn and feel like I am just putting up with every interaction for a greater good that excludes me. I will not always be made to be the weirdo or the moody one or the uncool lame NPC with nothing to say that anyone can disrespect. etc etc etc. if I don’t have these things I’m still building and I owe this mindset to the despicable truths I was forced to learn as a child at the hands of ppl I could not feel more complicated abt. It made no sense for me to see it and it was fucked but that’s why I’m going to make it make sense and control what I can. I’m rewriting life bc as of now I can’t shake the perception that it’s truly rotten and not worth it. Idk what u would call this paradoxical motivation. It’s not spite it’s smth else. a prolonged last mad dash to a destination that’s mythical in quality but plausible. not impossible
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savage-rhi · 4 months
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✨️Magenta✨️
#I've been really sad lately#its logical I've had a lot happen and a lot going on#and I've been mostly bedridden the past week cause of fibro flares#my brain can see the logic of why my body feels burnt out and why i feel anxious#but i also have this profound sense of loneliness that's been weighing on my chest#I feel the need to isolate and get away from people because it feels like it doesn't matter how much i try to blend in someone#will catch onto me being an “alien” or not quite fitting their mold or having a difference of opinion and i get bullied or ostracized#out of participating with folks or doing activities#and i get so overwhelmed by people and their literal energy/vibes that it feels as though I'm caught in a sneaker wave and being pulled#from shore and this is compounded on top of that feeling of being surrounded by people like tons of them who may even enjoy your company#but still feel very much isolated and alone the whole time#it could be winter triggering trauma responses in me due to childhood abuse related to the holidays#and then there's me trying to brainstorm how i can make money with my creativity when i have little to no help with anyone#and no one will give me a chance to bounce ideas and get a third persons opinion#its felt like this since i can remember: people value that i listen and reflect all the while show compassion#and then when i really need it myself and attempt to reach out i get the door shut in my face#it feels like the only people that have truly listened to me are therapists lmao and it hurts cause its like i gotta pay someone#just to listen to me go off on this idea i have for a side hustle a creative pursuit something i love#and i can't really share that with anyone irl because I'm supposed to be everyones therapist#and its shitty i dont get paid for it if thats the case lol#i feel like tumblr is the only spot I really have where i can share a lot of myself and make things that make others and myself happy#i don't know what id do without it#magenta is my safe word for venting#thanks for coming to my tedtalk as i write into the void#getting shit off my chest at 4am#i aint gettin no sleep cause of yall yall not gon get no sleep cause of meeee
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weenhands · 1 hour
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i’ll never find true safety with someone. there’s always some reason to keep my walls up
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non-un-topo · 8 months
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Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today
#they're all gone! none left now#idk what happened this week but i've been trying SO hard not to think about my nana at all#it’s just a constant don't think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it#i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up...#maybe it's because i talked to my mom and she mentioned her for a minute. neither of us know how to talk about it.#i literally can't even think about it i'll start crying.#should visit my partner's nonna and nonno... but i will cry. still we need to see nonno because he's very unwell.#i can't fucking believe i found out my nana died and then immediately went to class.#mentioned it to my professor and the whole class gasped and asked if i was okay or if i needed to leave.#but if i didn't go to class then i would have just been home alone...#crying in front of my favourite prof a few days later was... yikes. but it was okay. she felt like a grandma to all of us#she was sincerely sorry. esp because that class was called 'women and aging'#she spend the entire year telling us to ask the older women in our families their stories#and now i have none left. didn’t get to ask.#i don't know why i didn't call when i wanted to#i can't think about it#glad my mom told me that she feels totally disconnected to family too. bc lately ive felt very alone.#like my nana getting sick and dying brought them together but only for a short while.#feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one
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the story is complete ass and i was never scared of him even prior to my DEEP creepypasta fixation as a preteen but i will always love jeff the killer. i love the fanart that shoddily edited creepy image spawned. i love the mystery behind the source of the image. i love the canon and fanon interpretations of jeff. i love all the weird little characters that he inspired.
idk..he just means a lot to me, you know? he's like an old friend. every october when the air begins to chill i feel a spark that reignites my age old interest in creepypasta...i don't think i will ever be as invested or active as i was in the fanbase when i was young, but i love seeing what people put out year after year.
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coldvampire · 6 months
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ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?
going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.
#not rly on discord servers for the same reason tbh#got tired of trying to interject my awkward attempts at participation#I mean people can still @ me but i just don’t have it in me for the server stuff#my social perception is low enough that I can’t tell what the right move is but high enough I know when I fucked up#idk if I’m just not built for larger groups or if it’s something else :(#wish I knew so I could work around it but it’s not exactly a perfect experiment#so w/e. I do kind of miss it a bit but I also feel like my absence doesn’t make a difference#which is a sad thought in itself but that’s how it goes#idk I think in general I’m in a weird spot where I make an impression but it’s never a vital one to the dynamic ?#I do sometimes doubt like. what I bring to interactions in general lately#doesn’t feel like much if I’m being honest. I mean I think I’m at least moderately interesting but djfjf who knows#weirdly settled with myself as a person but I’m thinking that cost is probably an isolating one#knowing a lot of people just never breaking past that surface level#sucks. not much else to describe it as.#idk I’m sure this is bad for me but I think I’ve kind of already messed up first impressions#it’s so stupid but I keep encountering the same dynamic of either we Click fairly quickly or we just don’t really at all#and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter??#idk idk idk I guess lately it’s like I feel alone/lonely but I don’t feel like I’m wanting to return to anything#bc I never felt like I really had a place there to start with#weird feeling. very weird feeling.#logging back off now dhjfkf
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yo9urt · 3 months
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beat beegee three last night!
#mine#VERY LONG TAG RAMBLE INCOMING. WATCH OUT#anyway. i was and am absolutely blown away#i understood why its so beloved basically as soon as i started playing it but by the time i got to the end iw as like yeah#this deserves goty and all the actors and writers and everyone who worked on it deserves every award and 1 trillion dollars#it could be because of recency bias lol but i think late act 3 ended up being my favorite section of the game#which i wasnt expecting! lots of people seem to dislike it and i understand why (frame drops + overwhelming amount of content etc.)#but idk i really loved it. the iron throne and house of hope alone (i did those a couple days ago) were STELLAR#yesterday's tasks included killing gort and then going to the morphic pool and finishing the game and i was just enraptured the whole time#the morphic pool and everything that comes after it were just INCREDIBLE#one of the things that stuck out to me the most about the game the entire time i played it but *ABOVE ALL* in act 3#was the way it makes the stakes feel REAL#the companions are so well written and well acted that i felt genuine attachment to them and they had huge emotional impacts on me#like when i got to the pool i was actually kind of afraid of whatever was coming (i had a rough idea of WHO i would meet)#(but not what would happen or how the fights would go)#and when i turned to my companions and i was like umm. do you think we can do this#and shart was like yes we can :) think of everything we did. that wasn't luck that was US#and la3'z3l was like 'THE GITH WILL BE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' i was like YES MAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i felt so reinvigorated like i was still nervous but i was like well if they believe in me i can do anything#and i am#1 lae'zel defender (not that she needs a defender because shes insane in battle but you know)#so when she was like WE WILL WIN i was like OKAY!! YES WE WILL!! WHATEVER YOU SAY MAAM!! I LOVE YOU!!!#shes so cool shes like my awesome best friend who is not real but i love her anyway#shart is also my best friend but in a different way (i like to think her and my character just bonded really hard over the course of the st#ry especially both being half elves idk i just love them and by the end it seemed like they built a really beautiful friendship)#anyway back on topic. the stakes felt real because of the companions AND because of the npcs and attention to detail#for rp purposes i had my character keep a few notes in his inventory that were just from random unspecified npcs#but they were like 'dont let gortash win' 'i dont want to die to the absolute cult' etc. as like a remember what you're fighting for thing#i just felt so strongly pulled into the world of the game the whole time especially at the end i was like holy fuck#i gotta save all these people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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rinrinlovee · 5 months
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need to be sent to the seaside for my health
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st-john-out · 1 year
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dang, reached 100 likes on here
thank you all, im very glad to provide this days gone content to those that seek it haha
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lukarhys · 9 months
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Communication is so fucking important in a romantic relationship, especially when trauma and mental illness are involved. I never had a fucking chance.
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piplupod · 1 year
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really hate having to be quiet about disorders that affect every aspect of my life. really wish ppl would be normal about it and also understand it better. wish i was not terrified of ppl finding out about my osdd irl but RIP me i guess, the autism is scary enough but I don't have the energy to hide that one anymore or make up excuses to explain away whatever symptoms i wasnt able to quell. the autism already puts me in enough danger (conservative small town) but i think the osdd would get me in physical danger if ppl found out fnfkfl
its just hard bc we are so desperately lonely but we cant tell ppl abt it and its honestly hard to be friends w ppl now if they dont know abt it. so i do not get to make friends in town now and all chances of having ppl irl to hang out with is down the drain.
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jimines · 2 years
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#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name#but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing#so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently#and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after#no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two#i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page#and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me#because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from#after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought#because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends#trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ?#i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me..#it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing#the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening#im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again#idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog#its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know?#im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid#i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case#i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why.#but i wont be going down alone thats for sure#c.text
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2beetles · 1 year
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,
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the only unrealistic thing about the mortal instruments is how alec and magnus are the only queer people in the nyc gang
#i have nothing against canon ships but i also just realised that simon dating isabelle and maia at the same time is reminiscent#of Gregory Fucking Hirsch from hbo succession and the comfrey comtessa situation#i have many opinions about all this but i don't even know where to start#like. we didn't see internalised homophones with alec he was mostly angry at the society and his father - which. fair enough dude#but jace? would absolutely have layers upon layers of internalised homophobia and shit if he was queer#dude this guy was raised by valentine! remembet the falon incident? the haha i pretended to get murked to give my ten year old son -#who isn't actually my son because i kidnapped him by the way - trauma for days?#he made him believe that jace loved clary with 'the wrong kind of love' when he tricked him into thinking the were siblings#and their blood relation was the only reason she could ever love him the only reason she felt drawn to him but they didn't know that#so instead of strong familiar love they went for romantic love and such#on the other note - simon is a vampire and that's kinda homoerotic ngl#clary clearly had internalised misogyny going when she met izzy and one of the examples i remember is when they sat next to each other in#the first book in the diner and she was like 'ugh who would even want to smell like vanilla? like a dessert? so all the boys would want to#eat her? what a whore' and i just think this is really funny and honestly yeah i think this scene alone could be very sapphic#as in 'i hated you because i haven't realised i was attracted to you' way and yeah maybe that's toxic#but clary and isabelle definitely show some girlfriendism in the books and they would do that even more if i was in charge of writing them#hope this makes any sense whatsoever#i would write more but it's getting late i might've sprained my ankle or something because it hurts as shit and im tired#fuck autocorrect for changing homophobia to homophones this is so funny as in way to funny to me
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