#later on i think it's a lot less accurate bc it's a lot more abt growth within the au
a small but growing collection
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when he thinks you’ve forgotten his birthday
nakajima atsushi x gn! reader
fandom: bungou stray dogs
content: fluff, comfort, angst (only for a bit!)
type of work: headcanons + drabble
synopsis: given the conditions he grew up in, he was on cloud 9 finding someone who genuinely cared about him and his happiness, but what happens when it seems that you’ve forgotten his special day?
a/n : happy birthday angel! it’s finally your birthday in my timezone! i love you so much, you deserve everything and more 🥺💗
this boy istg 🤧🤧 he’s the most precious person on the planet
you make him so happy and he never fails to make sure you know that
ASKCLCFH he’s so cute🥺
hugs from behind, kisses on the cheek, your hand, loving whispers, lots and lots of hand holding, cuddling, all the typical lovey dovey works for you!
pls note that this was pretty much when he got used to being in a relationship bc lemme tell you in the beginning, he was a nervous wreck
it used to be you doing all the initiation of pda, or private affection, so when he started doing it, it was a pleasant surprise <33
but that’s a story for a different time hehe
when it was your birthday, he went all out !!
as much as his wallet would let him
but it’s okay bc dazai-san has his back!
which actually means kunikida-san has his back
er kunikida-san’s wallet would be a more accurate statement
now don’t get me wrong, he complained and at first outright refused but yk dazai most definitely guilt tripped into doing it
if anyone asks, he did it bc dazai robbed him and most definitely not bc he wanted you to enjoy your birthday nope not at all
atsushi could’ve died right then and there seeing the way your face lit up and broke into a smile that literally took his breath away when you walked into the ada later that evening
although he did panic when small tears started making their way out of your eyes
the party was a blast !!
it was very similar to the one the agency threw for kyouka except yk, it was for your birthday
although everything went smoothly lemme just say that while this whole birthday mission was being planned out and set up, atsushi was distressed
poor baby panicked abt everything and probably would’ve had an aneurysm if it wasn’t for kyouka’s and yosano’s threats with their respective blades to calm the fuck down bc it’s okay, we’ve got your back
the night ended with cuddles and soft, light kisses in bed
it was a very good day overall
you and atsushi had a very healthy and happy relationship with neither of you forgetting a special day or date
so he was slightly disappointed when he woke up on his birthday only to find you gone and left with a note saying that you had to go to work early today and won’t be back until later in the evening
it didn’t help that he didn’t get any messages from any of his coworkers/friends either
it it certainly made things worse that the ada was mostly empty when he had arrived
apparently everyone was basically busy on may the 5th every year
who’s he to complain??
was a very hurt boy when he didn’t get an answer to his text message that he sent you before he left the house
atsushi wasnt one to intentionally draw attention to himself so decided to wallow in self pity and hurt
he knows that he shouldn’t bc dazai already gave him a small lecture when it came to self pity but he really couldn’t just help it
was he that easy to forget abt? he didn’t think so after meeting you, but now?
he isn’t quite so sure
the hurtful words from the orphanage started worming their way back into his head
but every time they did, atsushi would lightly slap his cheeks and snap out the trance he was in and remind himself that yes, you and the agency did love him and want him around
but it doesn’t make the feeling of being forgotten any less heavy
GOD THAT HURT TO WRITE
it was nearing lunch time and the newly turned 19 year old was doing some of dazai’s work when he got a text message from kyouka
she told him that she was in the park and something happened so he should probably come over
he practically bolted out of his chair and started sprinting to the park bc fuck its on the other side of town
little does he know abt the panic he was abt to cause
when he got closer to the park, he was mentally preparing for whatever could’ve happened
he didn’t get much detail from kyouka but he really hoped that you weren’t there
if you were, he hoped you weren’t hurt or in any danger
he sped up at that thought
atsushi knew he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if you or anyone else got hurt bc he wasn’t fast enough
but he certainly wasn’t expecting to see you running around the members of the armed detective agency around a small set up in the middle of two trees
a very lost and confused boy someone please enlighten him
Atsushi wasn’t sure if he should interrupt.
He’d like too, so he can figure out just what the heck was going on, but he was too dumbfounded to do so.
“GAH KYOUKA-CHAN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”
Atsushi watched his significant other run around one of the set up food tables fumbling with decorations in their arms. But it wasn’t only them, everyone else was practically doing the same thing.
Save Ranpo of course.
Well actually, the only one who really seemed to be in a rush was (y/n) and Kunikida. Everyone else was doing their own little tasks but at a more leisurely pace.
Kyouka, not even looking at you, calmly spoke, “Ranpo-san asked me to. He said we were taking too long and he was hungry.”
You looked at the brown clad detective who was currently sitting on top of a table drinking a bottle of Ramune.
“Ranpo-san,” you half sobbed, half wailed, “We’re never going to finish in time! He’s going to be here soon and nearly nothing is ready! Atsushi went all out for my birthday, what we have now completely pales in comparison.”
His birthday? You remembered his birthday?
“DAMNIT DAZAI IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH THOSE STREAMERS IF YOU DONT STOP FOOLING AROUND—”
Atsushi watched as you breathed out another sob (but you weren’t actually crying) as you watched the mess that was Kunikida and Dazai.
“And then there’s these two” you wailed. But then you stopped as you gasped and started frantically looking in various bags.
“Where’s the cake?! And the chazuke?! Where are they?! And ohmygod where are the party poppers?! Where are they?!”
Everyone was indifferent to your panic as Atsushi watched you rummage through the bags completely ignoring the bountiful amount of food on the tables.
Junichiro, who was standing on a ladder tying streamers on the nearby tree, looked away from his task telling you calmly, “Ah (y/n), the poppers are in the green bag, and the cake and chazuke are on the table.”
Quickly reaching for said green bag, you pulled out the box of poppers in triumph making Atsushi smile. You ran around the set up once again thrusting the harmless explosive into each person’s hand, even nearly making Tanizaki fall off the ladder.
Yosano only raised an eyebrow at your panicking and watched as you lifted the lid off one pot of chazuke, yelp because it was hot, put it aside, and lift up the pot (with mittens this time) to probably place it somewhere more visible. It was well known in the agency that chazuke is his favorite food.
Atsushi’s heart swelled as he noticed several pots of his favorite dish.
Within a few seconds, you were behind the middle table muttering if you should make the centerpiece the pot of chazuke instead of the cake. Yosano made her way over to you before you moved another step. She couldn’t help but think back to when it was your birthday. Your boyfriend was just bad of a mess as you were right now. A match made in heaven she’d say.
“(y/n),” she called out soothingly, “you don’t have to be so panicked.” The doctor placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “I’m positive that whatever happens, whenever he’s going to get here, Atsushi is going to like this. Just trust me on this one.”
Dazai, who somehow escaped Kunikida, also walked up to you with a suspicious grin on his face.
“I wouldn’t worry (y/n)!”
In the distance you saw Kunikida, who was for whatever reason wearing a ridiculously bright colored party hat on his head (probably Dazai’s doing) coming close as well.
“Besides! Atsushi-kun is already here! See! He’s right there!” Dazai pointed out way too happily.
You, along with everyone else (save two certain detectives) looked in shock at the gray haired male (who was now slightly flushed with all the attention now on him) who had apparently been standing there for who knows how long.
It truly was a sight to behold to Atsushi. He wished he had camera to take a picture of how ridiculous the scene in front of him was.
Tanizaki was still up in a ladder, Kunikida was still wearing that stupid hat, and was just about to tie some streamers and ribbons around his partner’s neck, Dazai was still looking way to happy to be considered innocent, Yosano was still holding onto your shoulder, Fukuzawa was in the middle of blowing a balloon, Naomi was in the middle of tying colorful ribbons around the other tree, Haruno was on her knees rummaging through a bag with Kyouka and Kenji right beside her, and Ranpo was lazily drinking yet another Ramune on top of a table.
And then there was you.
Your mouth was gaping and you were opening and closing your mouth as if you were a fish. Your face was flushed in embarrassment maybe..? Yeah, probably embarrassment. You were still holding that pot of chazuke in your mitten clad hands, and Atsushi couldn’t help find the sight adorable.
“A-Atsushi!,” You stuttered, “W-When did you get here?!”
“He was here since you started to panic. Which was about ten minutes ago,” Ranpo nonchalantly mentioned.
Your face began to heat up even more as you turned your head the older man.
“Ranpo-san!” You whined, “Why didn’t you say anything?!”
The man in question only shrugged with indifference.
“Well you know he’s here now right?”
Suddenly, with a childish grin, Ranpo pulled the string on his popper making streamers and confetti explode into the air surprising all of you.
“Happy birthday Atsushi-kun!”
Everyone was still for a moment before sharing a knowing smile.
You carefully placed the pot on the table and put the lid back on and removed your mittens before grabbing your popper like everyone else.
Within a few seconds, more confetti and streamers shot through the air, a fun and happy vibe instantly overtaking the little park set up.
“Happy birthday Atsushi!”
With tears starting to spill out of his eyes, Atsushi could only rub them away before shooting everyone a grateful smile.
“I-I thought you all forgot, or t-that you didn’t know. I’m so grateful! Thank you, thank you for everything.”
You and some others shot each other a surprised look at Atsushi’s small speech.
You walked towards him and when you finally reached him, you took his hands in yours and intertwined them.
“Atsushi,” you began gently, “We would never forget your birthday, we would never forget you. You’re so important to all of us.”
Atsushi looked into your eyes and saw the genuineness, warmth, and love in them only to look back and see the similar look in everyone else’s faces.
Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes once again, but he managed to hold them back. He truly was so grateful for everything.
He smiled at you and you shot back with a cheeky grin.
“Now that we got that out of the way, let’s party!”
And with that, everyone began to celebrate the birthday of one of their newest members.
In fact, all of you celebrated for the rest of the afternoon, with the celebration going on until night fall.
The agency was kind enough to let you and Atsushi go ahead leaving the them to clean up.
Currently, you and Atsushi were in your pajamas inside your shared apartment cuddling on the bed.
Despite it only being around seven in the evening, the two of you were exhausted with all the events that had happened within the past twelve hours.
Although, to be fair, most of it was a blur. But despite that, the day was unforgettable and Atsushi shared that sentiment.
He had a blast.
It was nice to just relax and have fun with his loved ones without having worries in the back of their mind. It was something that didn’t happen very often, so everyone made sure to take advantage of the chance.
Yokohoma was oddly quiet today, with no Port Mafia activity, nothing; there wasn’t even a petty crime reported! Atsushi can’t help but wonder if it had something to do with what you, Dazai, and the president were whispering about when they thought he wasn’t paying attention.
Not that he cared.
It was nice not having to avoid Rashomon every other day.
“Hey,” you whispered.
He looked down at you and brushed some of your hair of your face as he hummed in acknowledgment.
“I’m sorry that you thought we forgot about you.” you squeezed one of his hands as you spoke, “It was my fault; I wanted to surprise you. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”
Chuckling at the guilty look on your face, he pecked your forehead tenderly before breaking out into a wide grin.
“You don’t have to worry about it (y/n),” he whispered lovingly, “I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me. If anything, I’m thankful for everything! Especially you.”
Atsushi’s grin only grew wider (and cheekier..?!) at the blush that overtook your face.
When did he get so sly?
You slapped his arm lightly making him laugh.
God, that was the sound of an angel.
“When did you get so upfront huh? What happened to my shy, stuttering mess of a boyfriend?”
Atsushi spluttered at your words making you laugh this time. He grumbled at the sound of your fading giggles and you pecked him on the lips making his face change at an instant.
That stupid, goofy grin was back and you found yourself lost in his heterochromic eyes.
You snuggled closer to him and in turn Atsushi tightened his grip on you and pulled you even closer till you were pressed flushed against his chest with legs intertwined.
“Hey Atsushi?” you whispered softly.
He whispered just as softly, “Yeah?”
“Happy birthday...I love you”
“I love you too. Thank you for everything.”
as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3
writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason
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Hello, i hope it's ok i have chosen four, you must answer as many as you like 🖤 And if you want me to answer something i also accept
Cafe, The Globe, Knife and Dante
love for you !!
cafe : coffee tea or hot chocolate
the globe : fave shakespeare play
knife : how do you deal with angy
dante : what sin do u associate urself with
(sorry i have to do this bc im replying on mobile and i have the shittiest short term memory)
HELLO HILLARYDIANGELO TUMBLR USER !!!! i will answer them all thank you !!! and i send u library, ego, quill and davinci
cafe : ok fun fact time. my story w coffee basically went :
me, 20, on a google doc w hannideity : yeah idk why ppl on YouTube drink coffee. like i get for the aesthetic but idj why they pretend to actually drink it. do they just spit it out off cam
hannideity : do you. not like coffee
me : no its vile and im normal.
2 weeks later i am forced to drink a tiny cup of coffee with ridiculous amounts of sugar in it to heal my migraine. it works like a charm. i am, however, addicted. thus begins my 2 month long habit of drinkjng coffee in the morning. did i have much energy ? yes i did. however i was also deeply ill. at the time i thought it was simply because the demons were constantly hitting me on my head. it made sense, for me, that the curses would reach a peak a few hours after waking up and even if i managed to keep them at bay theyd come back rushing. because of my afflictions. it was simple poor problem management. i just need to learn how to deal with it better and have mornings that dont end in catastrophe.
then i dont know what happened. like. i think one time i couldnt take my coffee as i woke up, so i took it a few hours later, like the clueless guy meme. i was ready to have more energy and less tired.
then around one hour later i wound up bedridden, feeling my heart extremely fast, and feeling sickly and like im gonna die, and googling coffee overdose symptoms like "the gargoyles... no... it cant be..."
turns out my notorious lightweightness also affected my tolerance to coffee, which is, evidently, null, as i wound up with a panic attack that lasted ONE HOUR only because i immediately started chugging water like an hydraulic train to try and stop the disease. and this was what was happening to me every fucking day, except that usually i had actual bad cognitions that were in my head at the time, so i didn't realize what was going on. this is effectively the story of how i made myself Way, Way Worse, in an attempt to be Better.
(so ill pick hot chocolate, sometimes i drink milk tea and such but honestly since the coffee fiasco i avoid anything with caffeine or theine. but i drink a lot of infusions ! my current favorite that carried me thru many ancient rome books is honeybush, it doesnt have any caffeine and it smells nice)
the globe : OKAY. so before i dropped high school graduation i did start to study English Literature (you will be disappointed to learn we only learn about shakespeares works more in detail in the english literature and art program which is an optional part of the graduation program. you just take that for 2 years top. after that its university time) and we started studying shakespeare but it was very much an overview ? like.... heres 2 textbook pages, an excerpt, answer questions, ok done that was midnightsummers dream. so i actually dont know anything about shakespeare really, except :
- that super famous ophelia painting everyone loves caused the death of its model as she died from pneumonia after posing in a filled non heated bathtub for hours at a time (the textbook didnt tell us that, i figured it out as i took the habit of googling the models of this type of painting bc back then the models were sometimes artists too and nobody talks abt them)
- my friends dragged me to that ridiculous romeo + juliet movie thats supposedly the most accurate play of romeo and juliet and it was fun
- midnight summers dream is about the fairies
thats it im sorry. i read a few plays for school and such but it was never my thing and its all french authors or such ! our shakespeare is p much molière (hate that guy. cant stand him. fuck him) but frankly i like 20th century plays more usually because at least in france there was a lot of um. coming back to fatalism and the codes of tragedy very much, im thinking abt the atemporal adaptations of old greek myths and plays like "the trojan war will not take place" by jean giraudoux for example, or huit clos by sartre, or even the devil and the good lord (not greek myth, but existentialist piece that sort of takes place in 15th century germany ? from what ive read it seems the 20th century theater loved confusing and vague settings, v fun to see them being neighbours w surrealism like that)
the knife : god. i don't ? like i dont deal with anger very much because i dont feel angry often. when i do it always takes me by surprise. i guess what i mean to say is that im more likely to feel a mix of scared and angry than i do feeling pure angry. but when it happens i know its like. ok timeout. i force myself to not talk w anyone and spend time alone until it goes away. if i need i rant to someone abt it but then i log off
dante : IRONICALLY. WRATH I GUESS. not bc of wrath itself but more bc of whats around it ? or pride. either
thank u for asking !!!! sorry 2 of them ended up nightmarish and evil
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oner 《恶浪》 mv/film theory
(this is less of a theory and more of a debunking of the mv though)
warnings: mentions of violence, murder (i wont include gifs of the bloody moments but it will be discussed!!!), animal abuse, and a bomb or two ? (someone gets blown up ;-;)
honestly the debunking might get a lil bit dark around the ling chao and ziyang individual parts, so be warned of that!
it would be helpful for you to watch/listen to these to process whats going on here:
oner 《恶浪》 mv (cw blood, murder, animal abuse, & heavy violence - please dont watch if these are triggers for you!!!) (there’s also eng subs in this link ^^)
oner - AGENT (this is a song, but there’s quite a bit of dialogue near the end that ties into this plot!) (cw gunshot, beeping noises that resemble a bomb ?? - all at the end of the song w/ the dialogue)
okay lets dive into it d(^-^)> !!!
to get the important info out of the way!
the start of the mv shows the three of them chilling on the couch, as friends do, watching,,well themselves on the screen (oner’s past performances as idols) (and i do believe that the idols part of this has some significance that i can figure out). the important takeaway from the beginning rlly is that they’re three good friends...who are completely unaware of each other’s secret occupations
their occupations being: ziyang, a murderer, yueyue, a spy, and ling chao, a hacker
now to jump into the main story! (starting around 1:35)
yueyue and ziyang both have the same target: the man in the restaurant. however yueyue gets there first and does his job well, as he gets away without being caught. ziyang is frustrated that his target is taken already.
*interesting detail here, but when trying to enter, ziyang shows them a ring with a purple jewel in the middle for entry,,,coincidentally, the man yueyue kills in the bar in his personal segment in the film later also has the same ring? obv the ring is for the restaurant entry so maybe ziyang wasn’t going to kill this “boss” but maybe negotiate/discuss something with him instead...but also thats disproven by the fact that ziyang pulled out a gun to presumably shoot him before realizing the dude was dead....
but also,,,suspicious how there was a zoom in to the purple ring when yueyue kills the man in the bar..maybe it means more than we think it does? altho im not too sure what to think abt it for now
dead man in bar’s ring
okay so since yueyue is a spy n all, he has to confirm his kill somewhere right? this somewhere is a phone booth,,,one that ling chao has rigged up with a bomb,,,,
speculation: someone hired ling chao to kill someone who will be approaching the phone booth; at this time, lc doesn’t know that this someone is yueyue (and is v shocked to see him there through his cameras as evident by his “what the hell! are you kidding me?”)
....and after this part the film dives into their personal stories to give more background on who these three are (i’ll expand on those after i finish explaining the present timeline ^^) before coming back to the main story
ling chao “accidentally” blew up yueyue oh no (he’s still alive tho yey)
& then yueyue holds up a piece of candy,,,and immediately knows its ling chao (cuz its the piece of candy lc was eating earlier in the film)
(and to take care of all loose ends that my brain is providing me with: in the beginning they didn’t know abt each other’s secret occupations...how does yueyue know that lc is capable of doing this? my answer: they used to be agent buddies!!! i’ll expand on this later hehe)
it was at this moment ling chao knew...he fucked up
he’s afraid yueyue might come after him.
which, is exactly what yueyue does
after going home or somewhere, yueyue receives a text telling him to get rid of “them” (ling chao) bc his “identity is exposed”
....so now yueyue has to go and hunt down his buddy ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
and they fight! looks very painful for ling chao,,,poor dude,,,
since ziyang comes out from the back door to join the fight, theres two possibilities that come from this:
1) ling chao knew yueyue was coming and knew he couldnt take him down himself (lets be honest; he looks rlly scrawny) so he called ziyang to his location for backup (how could he know ziyang can fight? agent buddies 👐)
2) ziyang and ling chao live together in the same house
anyways, both results making it obvious that ling chao and ziyang are on the same team while yueyue is on another (lets ignore the fact that ling chao was getting up to fight ziyang as well)
the fight scene is so dramatic oml T-T
ziyang could also be motivated to beat up yueyue in this fight cuz the dude did take his target before he himself could (loophole: how did ziyang know it was yueyue who took his target? answer: maybe yueyue left like a signature or smthn at the crime scene, or ziyang saw him walk out ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ )
and when they all beat the living heck out of each other and are dramatically lying down in different areas of the room
the tv turns on to a council saying “still want to be idols?”
(and remember, the thing they were watching on tv earlier was themselves performing,,,as idols. i cant connect it further than that so lemme know if yall figure smthn out ^-^)
so mayhaps this council is yueyue’s agency and they wanted to turn the trio against each other...? they would have set this whole situation up: they knew ziyang wanted to kill the restaurant “boss”, so they assigned yueyue to take care of him first, which creates conflict between those two. then, they hired ling chao to rig up a phone booth with a bomb; basically setting him up against yueyue
whether this council succeeds with their plan or not is unrevealed bc the film has a “to be continued” at the end, so the storyline still will have more to it!!!
although i would say the council succeeded since they all did beat each other bruised and bloody
that leaves the question: why is the council setting them up against each other?
what are there previous connections beyond them just being friends 👀 ?
and here i shall bring back the “agent buddies” bit i was talking abt earlier, as well as why i linked the agent song in the beginning
near the end of the mv, there’s quite a lot of dialogue between the three of them, and it goes like this:
[robotic voice: welcome agent oner
ling chao (?): check
yueyue: yo what up guys!
ziyang: yo what up bro
ziyang (yueyue?): alright lets take them out
yueyue: okay gentlemen we got a lot to do
ziyang: ey we gotta finish this quick, i got a date tonight
ziyang: no hard feelings (couldnt catch the rest)
yueyue: okay shut up
ling chao: hey guys, i saw a hit
(?): copy that
yueyue (ziyang?): hold your breath....now
ling chao: guys watch out
yueyue: okay guys locked and loaded
*single shot can be heard, then the reloading of a gun*
yueyue (?): go go go!
yueyue: fire fire fire!
yueyue: ???? *indistinguishable orders*
ziyang?: i got trouble i got trouble
yueyue: ?? i got ?? lets go
ling chao: stay together
ziyang (yueyue??): okay set to kill
ling chao: damn the truck is (blown?)
yueyue: what the hell
ziyang: okay let me (???) it
*bomb beeping noises*
yueyue: ???? clean this blood on my shirt]
(not sure how accurate my hearing is but its enough to make some guesses 😅)
agent buddies! the three of them used to be agents, as the song is titled, at some agency...and they probably made a pretty strong team together
the agency story would explain why they all seem to be good fighters too!
thats why the council might have wanted to tear them apart. perhaps the council was doing something that they knew would displease the trio, so they needed them separated lest they team up and try to defeat them
i also think this audio could have been describing a mission going wrong for them, possibly their last one as a team. someone was probably hurt (im betting on either ziyang or ling chao), and they quit the agency and aimed to live normal lives from then on
...but old habits are hard to forget, so ziyang starts to kill ppl in his free time, yueyue joined another agency as a spy, and ling chao uses his hacking skills for other purposes
however they all dont tell each other, which could add on to the tension of their fight at the end of the film
now to dive into their individual bits of the film. these all don’t connect much to the main lore, just expands onto their lives with their secret occupations btw!
his segment details moments in his daily agent life; im guessing he’s not very happy with it judging by his nightmares? or the nightmares are bringing up his past at his old agency which he does not like
he’s also master of disguise woah
personally i think he’s losing “who he is”. he’s always playing the role of another person, always putting on another disguise...so he starts losing his sense of identity (if that makes sense ;-;)
(and if you wanna stretch it and make things wholesome, maybe the only times he [feels like himself] is when he’s around his two friends)
so basically: he’s always filling out other personas to the point where he doesnt know who he is anymore
(this is also the segment where he kills a man in the bar with poison,,,and the man was wearing the same ring as ziyang,,,,which is like Hm. why’d the directors do that 🤔)
aka the murderer :D
(and not just regular serial killer type, more like joker-esque type where they’re a bit insane,,,)
okay his segment starts of with him dragging a man through a white room, where the floors is covered with plastic, and on the walls are a bunch of clay molds of human body parts
my brain has concluded that! ziyang takes clay and makes molds of his victim’s faces/body parts of who he kills! to make statues!
(i dont even know how i got there aksjdhdh but thats just what i assumed the first time i watched this film thingy)
and to make it more messed up than it already sounds,,,im guessing he’s a famous statue maker too, and holds shows where he presents his works to the public and maybe even bids them off ?
,,,,little did the audience know,,,,
(this kinda remind me of sally and gabe’s statue from the pjo too now aksjhdkdh)
(i got this assumption from 6:50 in the film where he walks out in front of an audience who start clapping,,,and let my brain run wild with the rest,,,)
of course, he probably kills off the people he was the molding the clay off of once he’s done with his works,,,or sometimes even in the middle of his works as shown in the mv (*-* )
but alas that is not all to his story,,,
judging by his flashbacks when he’s beating that one dude to death with a bat, he used to be bullied when he was in school, which seems to be the source of all his anger throughout the film..
( yeah he killed the bullies too (_ _ )> )
its part of his personality to be rough and short tempered - he doesn’t like people looking down on him (as the bullies did)
and,,,if you want to be wholesome again! perhaps he found some bits of happiness and peace when hanging out with the others :]
cw: animals abuse!!!
his is pretty simple and is already explained in the mv itself! i’ll walk ya’ll through it though in case you didn’t watch the film tho akdjdjkf
basically: he’s just a dude who loves dogs :]
in his segment, a girl (handong, looking absolutely stunning ToT) approaches him wanting to take home another stray, and when he asks her where how the previous dog she adopted was doing, she says that “my bestie loved him a lot, so i gave him to her” ( -_- )
so...he lets her keep the dog, but also decides to keep an eye on her...to the point where she becomes very paranoid that someone is stalking her (which..she isnt wrong in)(but she doesn’t believe it to be ling chao because they’re..dating? i think? and he lulls her into a false sense of security that he’ll protect her from harm)
and then bam! one day he breaks into her house, steals the dog away, and then,,,,blows her up,,,,,
(i must say as disturbing this scene is,,,,i absolutely adore ling chao’s look here askjdjfd)
(i mean?? look at him?? loving the black lipstick ugh)
(v pale tho ;-;)
okay anyways the next flashbacks reveal that handong was abusing her dogs & starving them, and him being the animal lover he is, decides to kill her for it ig
(also she,,,stabbed the other dog that she “gave to her bestie” so-)
yeahh thats the end of his story; nothing much to take from it except that his hacker skills are still intact past agent days
annnd thats a wrap folks! nothing else to expand on; i’ll definitely make another part to expand on this if they decide to release another mini film in the future tho :]
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jonathan archivist autisms autistically pt 2, electric boogaloo
word of god, jon does theater in college, so–
he’s vry vry good at memorizing lines! which is a good thing, bc he doesn’t rly super enjoy reading scripts over & over, unless they’re like. highkey favorites. so is handy to be able to get it more or less down pat in jus a couple readthroughs
it always irritates him to no end when ppl get lines a tiny bit wrong
it irritates him even more when he gets them wrong himself, & irritates him most of all when he doesn’t realize until someone else points it out (terrible. 0/10)
jon also isn’t terribly fond of improv, in large part bc by definition he can’t rly prepare for it or predict how it’s going to go, like he can for other theater things. georgie says it may be good for him for Exactly those reasons, says may help him lighten up, go w/the flow once in a while, etc.
jon maintains it’s not just those aspects that irritate him
mainly it’s that it just–always feels so stilted & awkward & ridiculous
& like. he’s not there to be ridiculous, he’s there to make Art™
jon’s also not terribly fond of how.. physically affectionate so many theater folks are. he’s not for touching, thank u very much. none of the hugging, none of the arms round shoulders, none of the trust falls, none of the sitting so close, none of the any of it. ever. get the vry concept away from him. thanks.
georgie’s allowed, within reason, but no one else
this is partly because jon actually likes georgie, but mostly because georgie, like. actually makes an effort to learn & respect his boundaries?
she messes up a bit when she first meets him, but it doesn’t take long for her to catch on, bc a) jon is not subtle, b) she has her own touch things, & c) she’s not an asshole
jon.. appreciates this more than he can put into words
she’s the first person who’s ever bothered
(he never tells her this)
(she knows anyway. jon’s not subtle, too surprised & too visibly touched by her efforts for this to be anything other than new to him. she’s a little sad about it, but mostly angry. he’s georgie’s people, and no one gets to be terrible to georgie’s people.)
some of the rules georgie learns:
ask him for physical affection of some kind if craving it, bc a) jon is far more likely to b okay with such a thing if asked to give it, & b) jon is unlikely to just. notice on his own that u want it, & c) if u attempt to just Initiate it without warning he will prolly be uncomfortable at best & irritable-to-shouty at worst
related: Sometimes Jon Can Hug You, But You Cannot Hug Jon, And That Is Just How It Is
(similarly, other times u can hug jon, but jon cannot hug you, and that, also, is just how it is. these times however are much rarer)
(…well. that’s not true. often jon struggles to reciprocate hugs when others give them, but what i mean here is that it’s rare for jon to be comfortable with this, rather than just.. putting up with it)
also related is that u should generally Ask before hugging jon (best if out loud, but doesn’t always have to be, if ur name is georgie)
for optimal hug, place hands on clothe instead of bare skin
for max optimal hug, keep short n sweet!!
appreciate a good handhold
go big or go home re: Leaning On Him when both are on the sofa (with permission) (if u Try Not to Lean Too Much it will only make him very uncomfortable. Do Not Do That. the almost-lean is much worse than jus going for a [pre-agreed-upon] full squish tbqh)
avoid casual brushing of shoulders & other such brief light touches (it takes her a while to understand this one, because jon never actually says anything, just either shrugs her off or goes a bit still. it’s easy to read the uncomfortable shrug as “not now please,” but the stillness is trickier. it seems like relaxation, at first. when she realizes it isn’t, she stops doing the thing. starts bumping shoulders a bit more pointedly instead.
kissing on the cheek? hm. sparingly
kissing on the mouth? yes.
kissing with tongue? varies. pay special attention
kissing elsewhere? mmmmm under particular circumstances, perhaps. You Absolutely Must Ask.
Use Jon As A Pillow (With Permission)
mmmmm also, relatedly but needing to be in a separate category: jon expresses affection in atypical ways!
jon will sometimes. if he is very very very comfortable with you. Just Kind Of Lay On You A Bit. Casually. Without Looking At You. As One Does. and then Fall Asleep. (As One Does.)
he did this with georgie
he does it with daisy
at some point he will do this with martin (and may have begun already, possibly, in the safehouse)
jon will occasionally sometimes bump shoulders with people. on purpose. awkwardly. to show affection.
he learned this from georgie. he tries not to do it with people who are not georgie because they either give him weird looks or think it is Go Time for further contact in future days. which is not Accurate. & it does not do to Give People Ideas, so,,
jon will Lend You His Things to show affection.
he will act as though it is not a big deal. you probably will not realize that it is a big deal. he probably will not realize that you do not realize, and will think you are just doing him a favor and pretending he’s not emoting everywhere. you may or may not subsequently develop vastly different ideas of your closeness levels. rip the both of you honestly
jon will Give You Small Things. but like, quietly. obliquely. without telling you he’s doing it.
(he got the overall habit from georgie, mostly, and a little from martin? but his refusal to acknowledge it is entirely 100% his own)
no, he does not know how that blanket wound up draped over you in the middle of the night. he has no idea who put it there. what a mystery. how strange. he’s going to go read a statement now. goodbye.
your favorite kind of tea keeps restocking itself in the cupboards, obviously. but if you ask, well. yes. he did the shopping. what of it. …other more staple sort of items are notably absent? well. he was tired and forgot them. what of it. he’s going to go bother the admiral now. goodbye.
that song/show just popped up on his list naturally, actually. he’s listening/watching for himself, obviously. not you. it has nothing to do with you, or how quiet you were being. how dare you suggest that. he’s going to go eat rocks now. goodbye.
jon will Be Openly Weird In Front Of You. Intentionally.
he’s done this a little with georgie
(he’d started to do this a little with basira, before–well. before)
he’s done this a lot with daisy
he’s yet to do so much at all with martin (the apocalypse interrupted), but he will
oh boy he will
jon will just sort of Sit In Your General Vicinity And Do Something
this counts as quality time.
jon doesn’t do this anymore, but he definitely used to poke georgie to express affection
he called it annoyance, but it was def affection
relatedly. jon is very bad at expressing affection in typical verbal ways aswell as typical physical ways
it took him a very long time to tell georgie he loved her, & when he did finally say it, he said it sideways, & didn’t say it much after that
it takes him a long time to say it to martin, too
martin comes up with other ways for them to say it to each other. little nonverbal signals
bsl for i love you
3 squeezes of the hand
3 taps on a nearby surface
on a totally different note!
jon definitely absolutely has that overformal speech thing going on
ppl always think it’s him being pretentious, & like. the terrible thing is that they are not wrong
jon is pretentious. he does play up the way he talks, sometimes, to sound More Academic™. bc sounding Academic™ is obviously The Ideal
but also at the same time
it really is just kind of how jon talks
& how he has always talked
& even when he is not actively trying to sound professorial he still kinda.. sounds a bit like he swallowed a thesaurus
he’s just.. Like That
always has been really
& ppl’ve always hated it about him, though it takes him.. some time to fully understand why
once he does, he doesn’t bother changing how he talks, for many reasons, incl. a) would take constant conscious effort, b) literally why should he dumb himself down just bc for some incomprehensible reason ppl keep taking his natural speech patterns personally, c) isn’t it actually ruder to assume ppl need him to dumb things down for them???, d) who cares if they think he’s an asshole for it, he is one anyways, so who cares, & e) it’s Better to be Precise he’s literally just being precise
& re: precision, he prefers it bc less room for misunderstanding, for one, & also it just. feels better
so he does his best. to be precise
but the thing abt that is that he doesn’t always.. succeed? as well as he’d like
esp. not when he’s tired
a tired jon is a jon who fumbles wordings
like, for example, his lines, in college theater. & dates of statements, at the institute. names of statement-givers. other various minor things. etc.
(jon’s being honest, in a roundabout way, when talking to tim about his errors. it isn’t all a deflection to end the conversation about his embarrassing fuckup. it’s also a genuine explanation: when jon is tired, he words wrong. it’s something he’s terribly loathe to admit, most of the time. but it’s tim asking, and no one else is around, and jon still thinks rather highly of tim’s professionalism at this point–)
(and a tired jon is also a jon with 30% less filter, and so–)
(within seconds, jon deeply regrets ever opening his mouth)
a tired jon is also a jon who falls back on scripts & echolalia to a rather large degree
so he’ll say things he doesn’t mean simply bc they’re easier to reach in the moment
and in particular will give answers to questions that are not the ones he wants to give, purely bc they are easier to reach
martin, indicating a container of takeaway that’s been on jon’s desk for hours & has gone cold: want me to take that?
jon, internally, absolutely starving & 100% still planning to eat it: no, leave it be, i’ll throw it out later, now please drop off your notes and leave, don’t you have research to be getting back to?
jon, externally, half-echoing: take it
martin: [takes box]
tim: hey jon u wanna go out for drinks with us or do u like have “plans”
tim, jokingly: no the 1st one or no the 2nd one?
jon, echoing: 2nd one
tim, softly: holy shit
jon, struggling for words: w-wait, actually–
tim, already ushering him out the door: no takebacks!!
jon: [ANGRY PANIC]
sasha, noticing that jon is struggling with sth: want any help w/that?
jon, aware that no one else is around & it’s sasha: …yes, actually, that would be nice, but only this part, & please don’t mention it to tim
jon, scripting: no, please focus on your own work
sasha, shrugging: alright
jon, internally: [STRING OF EXPLETIVES]
etc. etc. etc.
it’s a real inconvenience & he hates it
no one rly knows he does it. he barely knows he does it, & certainly doesn’t know why. georgie doesn’t even rly know!! & she knows, like, everything! but not this. like. she knows sometimes he gives answers he doesn’t mean? but she mostly figures it’s jus ur bogstandard passive-aggression (which. can u rly blame her. w/jon being The Way He Is. honestly. rly. honestly.)
martin.. suspects, after a while, with the scripted wrong-answers? he pays enough attention to jon to recognize the Form Answers fairly quickly, & after a season or 2 is able to sometimes tell when jon’s unhappy with having given them. but he doesn’t catch onto the echoing
daisy is actually the first person to figure out abt that
daisy: [x or y choice-question]
jon, exhausted: [y]
daisy: right ok are u saying that bc u rly want [y] or just bc it was the last thing i said
jon, exhausted: last thing you said
jon, internally, 2 seconds later: wait. ???? i barely knew that how did you know that?????
daisy, amused: well that answers that question
jon, internally: ?????witchcraft?? beholding?????????
i’ve said this before but a large amount of jon’s echolalia comes from the statements. he highkey hates it in s1, has mellowed abt it in s2 & 3, and hates it Again towards the end of s4, which incidentally is when it starts happening more & more
he thinks it’s like. Proof that He Is Becoming More Monstery
melanie & basira concur, when they notice
pity none of them talk to georgie abt it. she could tell them he used to do th same thing w/whatever play they were working on or whatever show they were binge-watching or whatever songs he’d been listening to lately
as it stands. they don’t talk to her abt it, so they don’t know that & when they catch him at it always tell him he’s doing it again & call it creepy (& tbh. it is a teeny bit spooky, bc jon does all the same intonations as when he’s recording, & the fact he doesn’t always realize he’s doing it–well. fair for them to have Some Concerns, lacking th necessary context & all)
& so given that. the only one who’s chill abt it & never says anything is daisy, cos like. she gets it
& like sometimes they’re a scripting thing? statement words are easier to grab, easier for conveying nuanced emotion
but also sometimes it’s genuinely just like
statement taste good in mouth like catchy songwords. must mutter to self repeatedly thrughout day/week/month/etc.
& on that note! jon has.. favorite statements. ones he mutters more often than others as he’s like. making tea or doing whatever idle tasks
martin has Absorbed most of these thru osmosis. he knows jon’s favorite statements p well & has Memorized jon’s favorite individual lines
it’s not that he’s been eavesdropping!! it’s just.. well.. jon rly does say them Kind Of A Lot
.. also, like… it’s kind of cute
in the safehouse martin hears jon muttering a Statement Bit & he just kinda.. casually finishes the line with a smile, causing jon’s loser heart to swell 3 sizes
jon, incapable of coping w/the sudden rush of affection: ?????? how did u do that.
martin, panicking that he’s done sth wrong & made jon mad or jealous or Some Thing: oh i uhhh, i’ve… heard u say it before? a uhh few times. it, it.. seems like 1 of ur favorites? [small fond laugh] so
martin: uh. sorry though i uh. sorry, i wasn’t–
jon: no i’m sorry, i know it’s. well, i know it’s creepy
martin: ??? what???? no no it’s–ok maybe it is a bit spooky, but mostly i just think it’s.. well.. cute?
jon: [404 ERROR ARCHIVIST NOT FOUND]
other jon echolalias:
beep of microwave if he is tired enough (martin also finds this cute)
tape recorder click off sound, if he is tired enough
cat. (creates loop. both georgie & martin find this amusing & endearing)
mmmm jon speaks fluent sarcasm but can neither read nor understand it
jon..struggles to multitask
if he is given Too Many tasks at 1 time, he tends to a) bluescreen, & b) Snap at whoever’s prompted the latest task, with optional c) slam down whatever he’s currently working on
this is especially unfortunate when he’s Stressed, bc very small things count as tasks when he’s Stressed (for example, straightening papers and also holding a conversation with someone is 3 tasks (organizing, listening, talking), + an additional 1 more for a total of 4 if he’s also trying to be polite)
jon is Always stressed when it’s archives times, to some degree
so sometimes all it takes is someone jus knocking on his door while he’s trying to pick a pen so he can sign off on some paperwork & he just hhhHHHHHHH
s1 & 2 jon is a HUGE hypocrite in this regard bc he absolutely will rattle off a stream of like 8 tasks in a row for the others to do & then just. walk off. & get annoyed when the other person can’t remember All That
s3 jon is.. a very tiny amount better
s4 jon is a tiny amount better than that
(it helps that melanie starts actually asking him to write things down. it also helps that jon is actively trying to be a kinder person)
mmm jon has.. frankly.. awful food opinions. he judges martin for mildly questionable food choices & then turns around & makes truly alarming ones himself
jon: i can’t believe you put chunky peanut butter on your waffles
also jon: [puts peanut butter on a tomato sandwich]
jon: i can’t believe you ACTUALLY tried that stupid dr who fish custard thing what the hell martin
also jon: [dips a grilled cheese in salad dressing]
jon: why would you ever put jelly between 2 poptarts that’s absolutely abominable
also jon: [puts mustard on pancakes]
in addition to terrible food opinions jon does have some Neutral food opinions. they are as follows:
foods should be eaten in order from least favorite to most favorite so the best food is Last
candies like gummy bears/skittles/etc. must be eaten in a particular color order (which order depends on the candy. for gummy bears it’s green orange yellow red clear)
why add a little of this flavoring thing when u can add a lot
it is perfectly acceptable to eat the exact same lunch for 3 years straight
other Rules jon has, unrelated to food:
Statements Must Be Introduced The Same Way Every Time
papers Must be organized in This Way. maybe it looks a mess, but boy howdy. he knows where everything is. e v e r y th i ng. but if 1 single thing is moved out of place he is Lost™
no one may touch his things. No One. don’t touch. Do Not. stop That. bad™!!
mmm jon had. comfort object of Pen, once upon a time. was misplaced early s1…. by a martin…………….
jon now has comfort object of. tape recorder. Feels Bad without tape recorder. need. to have.
beholding or autism? Why Not B o TH
mm martin is very very good at figuring out which things are sensory bad for jon, whether jon complains about them or not, & at carefully not bringing them into his orbit
daisy is also pretty alright abt this, but is less quiet abt it. will casually mention knowing he hates x or y, will occasionally use phrases like “bad texture” & “sensory thing”
martin meanwhile will not do any of those things, & on th rare occasion he does verbally acknowledge a sensory issue he’ll phrase it like “well i know you don’t always like,,” or “i know you prefer,,”
some jon sensory issues:
squeaky bus noises (startling, rude, bad)
lotion (nikola made it worse)
slime things (yuk)
jon: cold is better. if it’s too cold u can always put on more layers but if it’s too hot you can’t just–
georgie: take off ur skin, yeah, we’ve been over this
(jon does not make this argument anymore after nikola)
strong cologne & perfume smells (ow)
silverware on ceramic (hgkdjfgh)
ppl eating (it’s murder time)
mmmm jon has bad habit of making himself into pretzel shape when he sits. hurts his back & also knees & also feet. doesn’t notice at all until hours have passed & it is time to move & he D i e s
sometimes he notices his limbs are falling asleep but he’s like. i won’t move. this is nice. this is good. goodpressure. goodsleepfeel. and it will become ungood if i move so let’s just keep at this…
and then he moves & Dies™
he’d swear never again but he knows he’s gonna do it again. he’s just. Like This™
jon does Not walk on his toes bc he is too professional for that. he always goes up stairs on them though, & also runs like that
jon makes sure his workstation in th research department (& later his office in the archives) has the plain old boring old stationary chair option. if offered an upgrade, he refuses. this is partially because change is gross, but mostly because he physically cannot stop himself from swinging back & forth in those when he sits in them
i feel like jon taught himself to read at a young age & can’t remember if that’s canon or not but if it’s not, it is now. hyperlexic jon Good
still has to look at his hands to tell between right & left
brief special interest means he knows far too much abt spiders
also, for the same reason, theoretically knows a bunch of craft things
including how to make paper
will someday attempt to hand-bind a lil notebook of homemade paper for martin
it will go vry poorly & he will keep trying until he gets it right
he will act like it’s nothing when he gives it to martin & martin will see right through that & get vry emotional abt it
has the Compulsively Corrects People thing. is An Ass about it up til s4, at which point he leans more towards accidentally rude
doesn’t usually cry at books or movies
honestly has no idea that silence isn’t supposed to sound like a ringing noise, until a conversation with tim in late s1, during which he learns that that is, in fact, tinnitus
he expects the ringing to be worse, when he wakes up after the unknowing. it isn’t.
jon doesn’t have any trouble with auditory processing unless he’s Very stressed
even at his Most stressed, he can still hear recorded statements w/perfect clarity
jon has.. few emotions until he has ALL the emotions
jonathan archivist emotion scale is like this: 1 2 3 8 9 10
(4-7 are only theoretical)
he spends.. a lot of time sitting at 8-10 after he joins the archives
jon does not generally have emotions abt others’ emotions. (low empathy? in this archivist?? it’s more likely than u think!!)
& to be very clear: jon remains anempathetic throughout the entire series. this never changes. what does change is that he begins actively trying to be kinder
on a different note:
for most of his life jon sleeps under an unholy amnt of blankets (pressure Good), with the fan on (heat bad. white noise good)
after the buried, he sleeps under precisely two (too much pressure. Bad)
jon is.. very literal! he does his best to hide this usually bc it gets him laughed at
mostly by tim
(s1 tim actually does stop teasing abt it once he realizes it genuinely bothers jon, but jon doesn’t notice. he’s convinced tiny facial expressions mean tim is still laughing at him, just being quieter about it now)
jon didn’t have any real friends until university
& so he does not use the word “friend” lightly
jon likes stormsounds
jon used to LOVE kaleidoscopes
jon both loves and hates routines. too much routine is boring and he WILL DIE, but some sameness is nice & also he KIND OF can’t rly function without some semblance of something in place
jon can have little a routine. as a treat
petting the admiral.. stimmable.. good
martin’s soft big sweaters.. stimmable.. good
sweater. paws. good,,,
jon does raptor hands in the safehouse, while also sweaterpaws
martin nearly dies of affection,
(jon does not rly do raptor hands before that. embarrassing. unprofessionalable.)
(he does often hold things at abt that height though. or have his arms crossed)
jon cannot fathom th concept of listening to the same song on repeat for 12 hours. he would DIE. how does martin cope??????
jon doesn’t rly ever go nonverbal
semiverbal forsure though, as mentioned above re: echolalia & scripting
jon has a [quiet] meltdown in his office in the archives after-hours two (2) times before elias is arrested, once in s1 & once in s3. each time, elias makes it a point to cross paths with jon within the week & make an offhand comment which suggests he might Somehow Know (the 1st time, jon dismisses it. the 2nd, knowing more abt elias, he cannot, & is both furious & deeply ashamed)
(thereafter, when jon starts feeling like he might explode, he goes down to the tunnels)
jon.. has perfect pitch
jon is terrible at mathematics
also spatial reasoning
mmmmmm jon handflaps for the first time in years in s4, in response to sth innocuous-but-delightful that daisy says
jonathan archivist autisti c
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whaddup it’s ur fave admin emily ( i’m legally required to be ur fave it’s part of being in the rp ) & here comes ur fave sinnamon roll... MONTY CHAMBERLAIN ! i’m shocked he’s still around on account of being the most annoying ever.
BACKGROUND ! tw for death & car accident.
little mr richie rich, first born son of triplets ( yes, triplets ) & was always regarded as the golden boy heir to his parents’ socialite ways & his dad’s many investments
carina & quincy, his fellow triplets, were his absolute bffs and the three of them did everything together
his parents were always a little distant, busy with, like, rich people parties and stuff. they only doted on the triplets when they were brought out to be shown off to their friends and then sent them right back w the nannies :/
monty was diagnosed with dyslexia pretty young, which is like... not a big deal at all, but his parents viewed him as Defective and Bad for it. instead of actually being there for their son, they just threw money at specialists to deal with The Problem & called it a day
here’s where carina & quincy come in ! the triplets were determined to be there for monty when their parents weren’t, and they did a pretty good job of it. eventually, they all went to monty’s specialist as a group, and learned exercises and activities to help him.
when he ended up also being diagnosed w dyscalculia, the kids adapted like it was no big deal. meanwhile, monty’s dad didn’t even bother to show up to the meeting
as they grew up, the triplets started making more of a splash at their parents’ parties, vibrant and beautiful whenever they made an appearance. they caught attention and held it, and when monty’s dad noticed this, he decided to take advantage of it
he asked monty to distract a fellow businessman for him, telling him to keep the man occupied as he talked to the chairman of his company’s board. monty, at that point still in the phase of his life where he wanted his father’s approval, eagerly agreed. he managed to hold the man’s attention long enough for his father to buy out his company from underneath him — and so began his career, long before bishop ever entered the picture
he only got better at it as his father pulled him into his schemes again and again, a charming young man capable of talking circles around anyone who’d listen ( and when monty smiled and opened his mouth, everyone would listen. he was magnetic )
the triplets remained joined at the hip over the years, all the way up until college, when they separated for the first time — carina went to harvard, quincy to princeton, and monty to yale. it was rough to adapt at first, but they called each other often to keep in touch
freshman year came & went, and the triplets were shipped off to their summer home in spain for their birthday at the end of july. each of them received a brand new car for their 19th, and monty won the game of rock paper scissors to determine that he was the first to take his new ride for a spin
on the drive, it started to rain, he took a turn too fast on the side of a hill — by the time he woke up from the crash, there was nothing monty and carina could do, pinned in place by the wreck. quincy died a couple hours later right in front of them, and it devastated monty & carina
though carina went back to school at the end of the summer, monty took a semester off, barely able to get out of bed, much less go to class. a semester turned into a year, and after a year... he stopped answering yale’s calls, letting his education fall by the wayside
he dove back into the game he’d always played on his father’s behalf, showing little remorse for what he was doing. he drifted farther away from carina, which is :/
until he got RECRUITED !
for the first time in a long time, monty feels like he has a purpose beyond fucking people over when his dad points and clicks. though he has yet to repair his relationship with carina, he feels like he’s found a sense of family again, and he’s really soft abt it okay
he’s Loud, talks a lot, thinks he’s hot shit, but also... is pretty charismatic ngl. a wiz with words, if u will. has a string of lovers and makes lots of friends who never seem to really get to know him bc he’s chasing that sense of #connection
angsty sad boy who doesn’t really know who he is :/ can’t have it all ig
it’s important to me that u know he currently owns an expensive pink house in new orleans. yes. pink. he regularly hosts pool parties there for the group, so do with that what u will. striker calls it the barbie dream house and that is absolutely 100% accurate
HEIST SKILLS !
DECEPTION & MANIPULATION: can lie like his life depends on it. he’s spent, like, a decade crafting elaborate lies to manipulate people into doing what he / his dad wants, so he’s pretty damn good at it
can also craft elaborate false identities for himself, including speaking other languages w flawless accents if the situation calls for it ( he grew up speaking english / spanish / french bc of his parents but also has others in his repertoire )
DISTRACTION: extension of above tbh but he’s fantastic w/distracting guards, employees, random passersby, etc bc he can make so much shit up on the spot. he’s also generally just persuasive and charming so people tend to listen to him when he opens his mouth
could probably also make a molotov cocktail if the situation called for it. distraction at all costs am i right
SEDUCTION: i mean.................................... it happens
MEMORY: homie regularly memorized guest lists for his parents’ parties & basically never forgets a name or face. don’t ask him to memorize the capitals of the 50 states or anything, but if it’s regarding people... he’s got that shit on lockdown
that’s all for now love u all xoxo
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i usually don’t do this but it’s 4am, i’m cramping/anemic/generally in pain and out of it, i’m procrastinating, and it’s been like. probably 2 years since the last time i did one of these? so why not since i have new followers after my acpc obsession! (the reason why not is... i write too much, sorry. a couple others have tagged me recently with similar questions and i stopped myself but hey i’ll let it go this time and try to be social)
i’m not sure who else to tag. i see the top three ppl i recognize often in my notifications lately are @lonelylittlewarlock @betumbledpolaritis @lavender-aquarius so how ‘bout you guys? feel free to ignore if you’re not up for it tho
Get to know me tag! got tagged by @sundaycrossing and @lilcasshole
Nickname: on this account most people just call me CIYF and that’s fine. i haven’t had a proper nickname in a long time and i try to keep this acc separate because. coxinyoface is not the best name to reference offline or with work/art stuff lmao.
Gender: nonbinary. they/them preferred.
Height: 5′3″/1.6m-ish? i’m short and fat and friendshaped i like to think.
Hogwarts house: ravenclaw or hufflepuff. when i was little i’d insist ravenclaw bc i’m a nerd who tried to persuade themselves they like school, but i’m likely hufflepuff bc i try too hard n am painfully stupidly loyal. idk. hp house discourse frustrates me.
Favorite animal: this changes frequently bc birds but today... potoo. potoos are often my favorite bc they could be my fuckin fursona and i relate deeply.
Favorite color: grey. stormy grey i think.
Current favorite song: зын зын by jokeasses. i found this through a random video of someone dancing in nosferatu drag to it months ago (thanks internet) and it’s still stuck. i keep switching between looping this, boogie by brockhampton, or yellow ferrari by mystery skulls. i can loop the same song for 10+ hours at a time. i do this bc i can have up to 5 songs stuck in my head at the same time and this somewhat cures that. it’s bad.
Ways to get creative: well. listening to music until my brain melts is one way. it’s easy to get creative but difficult to be productive, so i’d say just. trying to really really enjoy an activity, whether it’s reading, watching, or playing something, and trying to hold onto that feeling when i work on something. and then 4am binges of researching random shit that i can use to inspire myself later.
What do you do when you’re home alone: i’m either on tumblr, watching youtube, reading fanfic, or working on work art or art prints. acpc became a thing bc of lack of sleep and bird cult aesthetic n distraction. i’m currently stuck in a fic cycle of interest, it switches a lot. current fandom is HP (again) but i’ve gone into fic hell for naruto, opm, mcu, fucking anything that makes me hate myself. but then, i’ve also been reading a lot of bnha and some of that shit is actually so healthy and wholesome i cried. i want to get back into anime.
Average hours of sleep: hooo boy. it used to be 2 hours, consecutively, with maybe 4 total a day, while in college. i’m trying to fix that and i think i’m getting 3 hours consecutively and 5-6 total? i was doing great at some point last year and was somehow getting 5 consecutive hours up to 8 but. well. sleep’s a bitch and i have sleep paralysis and insomnia. today i managed to sleep maybe 5 consecutive and 15 total holy shit because i dreamed i had a heart attack and was dying and believed it (bc sleep paralysis)! in reality it was anemia fuckin me up today thanks google
Cats or dogs?: cats. sorry dogs, i love you but you have too much energy. besides i feel like cat people are dogs and dog people are cats, and i’ve worked very hard to earn my cats love so i’m loyal now lmao
Numbers of blankets you sleep with: i’m going to say pillows instead, because i live in a warm area and blankets are the mortal enemy. so--four. one to make sure i don’t smash into the wall, one for my head that i will never use as i slowly rotate like a flailing turtle on its back, one for my legs to make sure i don’t kick, and one to hug so i don’t punch.
Dream job: honestly my standards are so damn low i’d probably do any digital illustration/graphic design art job that (1)pays decently for my area where (2)the clients weren’t from hell and (3)i could work from home. like. i used to have specifics like ~concept art~ and shit but i had a good couple of work months (before some very bad ones) where one really good nonprofit client made me realize i genuinely don’t give a fuck what i do so long as it genuinely helps someone/somepeople and also helps me exist.
Dream trip: i. don’t actually want to travel much. tbh, i did japan, korea, and the philippines in one week somehow, and it killed my interest in traveling due to over-planning. if i could go back in time and do it again, maybe i’d spend more time chilling in japan? i just want lipton milk tea in those lil cartons. why can’t they make those here. and omurice. and katsu. and... ok i’d travel to japan again just for food fuck it.
Sexuality: It’s Complicated but for simplification, grey ace. i say aro-ace but go back and forth using that label because it’s useful but i can’t tell if i’m aro or just too anxious to function bc i feel like i’m somehow tricking people if they like me, and have no idea what i find attractive in the weird range of people i’ve been attracted to or to what degree i am attracted. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ tbh, QPRs seem way more appealing to me because i’m just that kinda grey gay. none of this matters unless i maintain a healthier lifestyle that isn’t a hot mess or somehow get the fuck over myself tho. idk one day i’ll be more socially active again.
When did you make this account?: shit, like... 6 years ago i think? oof. a lot changes over six years. if i wasn’t lazy i’d make a new shitpost account so i could pretend to forget what an ass i was but i can’t even separate most of my interests by blog.
Number of followers: 3,050, around. it hovers back and forth due to i assume bots and ppl getting very confused. those of u here for youtubes, thanks for sticking around all these years and i’m sorry; those of u here for acpc, i’m sorry and hope you enjoy me being really mad abt acpc. i have no idea how accurate follower count really is, though; apparently my highest activity was back in 2015 and i had less than 2k then i think? fuck if i understand tumblr
anyway if you’ve somehow read through all of that thanks for listening to the ramblings of a madman hopped up on pain at 6am you’re a champ and this random online stranger loves you and wishes you a good day
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7 months on T
This month quite a lot of medical stuff has happened: had to change GP, had more bloods done, had my 2nd GIC appointment here in Edinburgh (which I haven’t been writing up individually bc I’m tired out), doubled my testosterone dose.
My old GP discharged me after learning that over the summer of 2018 I’d been living out of catchment. I then registered with a different GP, got bloods done -which are the ones I was talking abt last month- but forgot to bring the letter saying which tests to ask for so I had to go back a week later for more bloods. (Also bizzarely Notts asks for a different set of bloods.) In the time between this I was like ‘huh I feel like shit what happens if i take twice as much testosterone’ and so at my next bloods my levels were I think 37ng/dl? and at the follow up GP appointment I asked if she’d write to the GIC asking if they would double my dose. A week later I got a letter from the GP telling me to double my dose. So I’m now taking 40.5mg of testogel every day. Last month I was feeling pretty low energy a lot of the time, my mood was very changeable, I had some light spotting for a few days and was worried my period could come back. Since doubling my dose I feel better: more settled and more consistent. I also haven’t had any periody symptoms this month.
My 2nd GIC appointment was pretty unremarkable. I found out that there’s abt a 5 month wait til my assessment at the GIC for top surgery, and then I should be referred to the Manchester team and have about a year’s wait until surgery. I was surprised at this because a friend of mine told me he’d been told it would be at least two years wait, although honestly I’m not surprised that we’ve both been told different things because the GIC here seems to be inconsistent with patient information. I’m trying to figure out when the best time to have top surgery would be considering my degree and starting to think if i could possibly afford to go privately.
I also found out that they just had no clue what I was taking which was a bit alarming. They thought I was taking 10mg/day tostran and they had doubled it to 20mg/day. I have no idea where they got that from because they’ve recieved my documents from Nottingham who had prescribed me 25mg/day tostran, and presumeably also from the GP who had written me a prescription for 20.25mg/day testogel. Hopefully their records will now be accurate.
Something I’ve noticed about taking hormones is that I’m very aware of my body and things that are changing about it which is actually pretty tiring. Even though the change is welcome it takes energy to adapt to. I’m constantly scrutinising and measuring myself in a way that doesn’t feel healthy for me. I want to take a step back from it but still figuring out how.
I’ve also noticed that my body is changing relatively slowly compared to other bodies taking testosterone. I still look female in the body and am still largely read as female, my voice has got deeper but is more of an alto than in the male range, my body is hairier but not so noticeably that I read as male. My fat still sits mostly on my belly, hips, butt, and although I’ve gained some muscle my body shape is still pear shaped. Thinking back on my first puberty this makes sense - my body changed more slowy and less dramatically than most of my peers.
I feel sad thinking about how long it might take me to be able to rest in my body, but I feel hopeful knowing that in just over half a year I have started a process of affirming myself that I can continue for the rest of my life. I feel more confident knowing that I have made a difficult decision and that I feel better as a result.
I care more about the girl in R18 drama cd; another short reviews
God I’ve gone through so many titles and it’s hard to find a series with a good balance of good story, good boys and good ecchi, but unfortunately most are not.
It's not that there's a lack of good ones though. there are quite a lot of them actually. but just that the MCs in most titles are just too... unnaturally passive ALL THE TIME! would it not sell if they made MC more strong-willed and actually would stand her ground and not let herself being pushed around and bullied? I want a title where the MC actually kick some ass. literally or metaphorically, I don't mind, just give me an ass kicking scene!!!! give me a girl who will not put up with the bullshit!
anyhow, here’s the third batch of my reviews. the first and second are here if you’re insterested. I spoil a lot so read with caution.
I found most of these from Airavalky.
icha icha; 5/5
this is bias bc this was my first R18 drama cd. made me notice of sawa manaka. also where I realized finger sucking is my thing lol. I believe this series is still ongoing and has a one or two more other characters but these are all that I’ve gone through. the concept is 'tranquilizing' relationship. each one of them started as casual relationship with no commitment, but later progressed to be something much more.
Takemiya Yuki = osanajimi character. he sounds like a insensitive jerk but he actually cared too much about the girl. his story is that he gained a lot of attention in high school due to his basketball and girl decided to keep a distance from him to avoid jealous fans. dude didn’t like it at all but he played along until he just kinda begged her to chose him over trying to pretend they don't have anything to do with one another. second season he had to move away bc of uni and their issue there is adapting with long distance relationship for the first time, and they're struggling to make it work.
Houbai Kazuhide = a more matured character from work. he is the one with the finger sucking thing hehehe. they started very neutral relationship but after a drunken one night stand, they thought they'd be sexfriends to "relieve one another's stress". after a while dude gets an omiai and wanted to end the relationship, only later to realize his feelings for the girl is real. second volume for his story is quite realistic couple's problems I enjoyed it so fucking much 10/10 will go back to this just for the drama.
Matsuzawa Tasuku (Sawa Manaka) = this was my actual first R18 drama cd so it left quite an impression on me haha. I thought I’d prefer 'manly' voice but actually I like this youthful/playful voice much better. guy is kinda an up and coming celebrity and the girl is his manager. I think at first they're just sexfriends but one time had sex with no condom and thought if girl got pregnant she would have to quit her job and he don't want that so he decided they should be a real couple instead... I think. he speaks too fast for me to understand completely. I’ll get back to this once my Japanese is a bit better.
Madoromi no alice
icha icha: 5/5
don't be fooled by the pretty cover art. not much story in this except a girl sex dream with many versions of her boyfriend, with alice in wonderland as theme. the tokutens are quite intense with the sex though. if you don't know sumeragi mikado, this would be a good place to start... or bad place to start if too much ecchi is not your thing. I’d suggest Kindan Jouji, the host volume instead.
icha icha: 4/5
quite good and sweet story, though the sex takes place in very inconvenient of all places. like, in the fucking elevator????? in a storeroom???? ...but I think I need more from this series. why is there no more of this series? pls tell me there's actually more from this series.
icha icha: uhhhhh / 5
review: it started out good but kinda made me cringe halfway, especially Cider's. it's kinda creepy like I know the MC is supposed to be a projection of you but the 'grooming'/teaching scene is too... pedophilic-ish to me I couldn't bring myself to listen to the end.
Otona no marchen
icha icha: 3/5
review: interesting concept of the fairy tale but not too complex; just taking the fairytale and put the sex in them. a bit too simple but good nonetheless. I like the peter pan one bc of the lol. the cinderella one is what you called a yandere? i feel so bad for the girl i wish there was another tokuten where she actually escaped from the prince or prince gets less of a possessive asshole.
icha icha; intense AF /5
review; sumeragi mikado doing yandere/controlling bf is very scary sometimes but he did it very convincingly. the White side is on the ~gentler~ side compared to the Black. sex scene has variety, uhh, acts? like there's paizuri and mentions of urinating and it's not something i found that in many titles mentioning those yet so... that's something!
story; 4/5 (blue side only)
icha icha; 4/5 (blue side only)
review: this series has two ways how the guy would react, but both started out pretty much the same; they're sexfriends. Blue side, Chasuke's character will try to convince the girl not to go through the omiai and they would be a proper lovers instead. the Black side takes a darker turn I think (yandere route?) but since I don't want to ruin my image of chasuke, so I'm gonna put off from listening to them until my kokoro is ready. not anytime soon at least.
icha icha; 5/5
review; this is a very good series that focused on alcohol and icha icha that don't go problematic so this is stress free.
vol.1 = this one has a ashikoki scene and the guy makes a very cute do-M chara.
vol.2 = younger guy type. he just turned 20 (legal to drink) and they enjoyed a night drinking and sexing.
vol.3 (yotsuya cider) = dude is a vet (I think) and when drunk he got loud and bitch about owls lol this one is unique since they talk about getting married and having babies. I don't think I've come across any that seriously talked about this yet so it left a big impression on me. (the only other series that talked abt the same thing is Karepilo's 10th volume (with Hirai tatsuya) where he said he want two kids and want to be the cool dad who can participate in school's sport event ugh that is the cutest god damn thing I ever heard fuck u hirai pls do more.)
story; 3 /5
icha icha: 5 / 5
review: the idea is its giving you two choices to how the ecchi scene goes; either the guy takes the lead or the girl. my fav is one with domon atsushi bc his oresama character is a real selfish asshole so having the side where his girl handcuffed him to the bed and decided to leave him is very amusing I clapped for the girl lol 10/10 would repeat many times over just to laugh at him hahaha. the iyashi(healing) bf side is very accurately titled.
Rouge et noir
icha icha: drugged and intense /5
review: story's really fucking good and suspenseful. icha icha is intense, understandably it was supposed to be induced by drug. I've only heard of two volumes (kawamura masato & sawa manaka as CV) but there’s also a third and fourth I think. basically girl is a rookie cop and she's one of them to take down a dangerous drug ring. why a rookie for this type of mission, though? I think the whole series focused on one girl but the stories they don't cross with one another. ugh I really really want to buy the whole seriessssss this is the exact amount of thrilling drama and icha icha that I wanttttt
story: rape / 5
icha icha; rape / 5
review: rape. the kind where the sex will eventually ~magically~ made the girl fall in love with the rapist and somehow that's okay?? even for a porn???
case 1 (sawa manaka) = he started out fine but he grew increasingly possessive and jealous. he relocate girl's office to next to him, made her move in with him, all without the girl's say. he confined her in his home too. I think this is the least offensive of the three volumes since it ended with the dude stopped doing all that shit to her. well, kinda.
case 2 - oh god this is too much rape I get nightmares. girl is the private tutor to the student guy. guy confessed one day but she refused. what comes next is traumatizing so only proceed if you know what to expect.
case 3 (sumeragi mikado) - guy is the younger brother to the girl but he forced her to have sex with him, or he would go to her friends instead? I... I can't do this kind of shit. esp when girl eventually just accepts his 'love' in the end. why is this the theme for sexually abused victims??? can't just one of them gets their justice??? pleaseee
Shitsuji no prince-sama
icha icha: 4/5
review: I think it's pretty decent bc I really do like characters using keigo, but this is not very, uhh, satisfying? since they're kinda short. are they from a visual novel or something? not that they're not good; they’re great and I love the CVs here. the butlers will mention they have something to do with another career but my Japanese can't catch exactly why they had to be butlers as well. all I can get is that the girl had to stay in the mansion for two months for some reason.
Souai-sei no eshisu
icha icha: 3/5
review: look, I do not, for the life of me, will ever understand that someone would risk having their loved ones doubt, made them cry, argue or misunderstand that leads to a complete break of their cherished relationship, for the sake of keeping a secret of a fucking BIRTHDAY SURPRISE! JUST TELL THEM YOU ARE PLANNING A SURPRISE DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE FEEDING THE DEMON WITH THEIR TRUST ON YOU! DO YOU WANT TO BREAK UP OVER A FUCKING BIRTHDAY SURPRISE?! anyway. this is sawa manaka though. not his best works IMO but this might just be me.
Suki ni natte wa ikenai kare
icha icha; 3/5
review; the theme is cheating. guy already has a gf and girl a bf. there's two ways their story would end, 'good ending' as in they break off with their then partners and date one another instead, or 'bad end' as in they sexed for the last time and swear to never see each other again. for this kind of theme I don't mind much, but not something I prefer. I may be aro but I know how much it hurts when ppl decided they would rather lie to you rather than come upfront and being honest.
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no matter how many times i go to recover i seem to come back. im so tired. i wanna live a happy life with my boyfriend forever and save lives i dont want to ruin my health with this but i want to be pretty i want to be thin and dainty
i have not been this low of a weight since like august 2015. since right before sophomore yr of high school started. n now its sophomore year of college!! im finally under 120 . ofc i binged super bad last night so i didnt weigh myself today, bc it would probably tell me 123.
began in 2015. sw: 144 in march, got triggered seeing my best friend/crush at the time lose weight from starving himself, not intentionally but bc he was afraid of vomiting (food aversion, basically). lw: 117 in july, stopped weighing after that. began marching band and was 132 in november when they weighed us, was rlly triggered. kept exercising throughout the year tho and stayed vegetarian for most of it. summer of 2016 i had a mini relapse, began at 128ish and lost to about 124 in 2 weeks, then stopped. binged all through junior year, had bad thoghts often but never stuck to my relapses. looked so fat in my senior photos. by the end of marching sxn senior yr i was my highest weight ever, 155. it was disgusting and none of my clothes from sophomore year fit anymore. i vowed to lose weight healthily after marching season. i went tothe gym regularly and tried to eat b/w 1200-1800 cal a day. i binged a lot but not as often. i still watched all the weightloss shows and browsed the weightloss tags but didnt let my restriction get too high. my fitness got a lot better and i was running regularly, and my clothes were beginnig to fit better in 2018. i was stuck at 140-138 for about a year, partially bc i was gaining muscle but also my diet was not super balanced. i went vegetarian at some point during this time. having a lot of “diet foods” wasnt satisfying me as much as eating more real foods. i got to college and went vegan hoping it would help and maybe that there not being a lot of vegan options meant i could eat a lot less. unfortunately there was a lot of vegan stuff but it was all super high carb. i became vitamin deficient and saw a dietician who told me to go back to eating eggs and dairy at the least (i also saw her bc my bf and i recognized that i was really starting to struggle w food again and it was scary). i cried eating an egg bc all nonvegan foods had become fear foods. tbh tho all that high carb made me fluffy as fuck. changing my carbs never helped my sleepiness and i figured i had adhd or something. part of my binging problem is that food was one of the few things that could keep me awake. winter break, i lost about 5 lbs i think? was hovering around 134ish. it was nice. and then i returned to school for the spring, and dont really remember what happened food wise until i went to the sleep dr finally and he gave me stimulants to keep me awake. i didnt tell him abt my history of ed, partially bc its a reason not to prescribe me the meds i desperately needed to stay awake in order to do well in school, but also bc my mom was in the room and she doesnt know. not only was i doing so much better in my classes but eating normal portions and not binging was so much easier, bc i didnt feel like i needed food to keep me awake all the time. at that dr visit i think i was 138. about a month later i was 134 or 132 i forgot. maybe even 130 or 129. at college the only scale i had was in the gym which im not sure was super accurate. i did notice i was finally starting to lose weight tho and it was so nice. at the end of the semester i did a research paper on eds and a well known yter with one and it triggered me a lot. this in addition to the stress and the help of the medication to suppress my appetite, i went into another full relapse and spent all my time looking at ed tags on tumblr. idk how i got through finals. i remember getting so excited to be at 127 and 124 and even 122. i looked better than ever, even tho i wasnt at my lw. i would skip meals all day and then go to the dining hall at night and binge on one huuge 1200-1500 cal meal, then go to bed. i got home and my dog died, so i stress ate a lot and also i wasnt walking everywhere anymore and the gym was a pain in the butt to drive to (and not free), so i stopped exercising as much. also being home all the time with all that food n nothing to do made avoiding eating so hard. i went up to 125-126ish. august i began a binge/restrict cycle trying to lose weight again. i was doing rlly well living in my own apt and eating normally and maintaining... now were here.
polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set
- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.
- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions.
i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?'
and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths'
but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.
a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.
- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.
i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.
and nobody has to understand either.
i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro
- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.
last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.
I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"
and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.
No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.
I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)
I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.
And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)
and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits
and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience
but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that
but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.
if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?
it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive
it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.
- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.
I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).
there's too much about my life to be angsty about.
- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead
we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.
it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.
those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.
nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.
twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"
tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)
i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.
it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.
- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.
- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.
i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.
i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.
no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.
i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.
and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.
- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.
he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.
- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.
My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.
Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.
- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.
- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.
- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know.
My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.
Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway.
The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.
It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.
I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)
I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.
Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.
Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)
Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.
- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right
i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can
could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)
weird sudden thought but like a while ago (5-6 yrs) when i was in high school and getting into ~Tumblr culture~ and finding out abt like... idk. just u know more abt trans stuff, more queer stuff, more just about identity not related to gender & orientation too (like hobbies and shit), when I learned abt the concept of otherkin I was like haha what? this is just a tumblr joke™ and kind of discredited it. idk like back then it was less active thoughts like "oh that's weird and wrong" and more passive "okay.... weird but whatever..." thoughts which for a long ass time i thought that kinda shit was ok. Like on the down low just being like haha other kin? Lol? ummm ok... and then pretending that like that fact about a person was never learned and it just like went into this weird void and I just sort of ignored it as a part of them and only focused on shit i "understood" (which surprise is not far off of other ppls practices with other things ) fast forward many years later, and i thank my natural curiosity for wanting to understand people being nurtured in college and actively like meeting new and different types of people both online and off, i realize like. young me was dumb. young me was dumb about a lot of stuff and I didn't ever like straight up make fun of anyone's neopronouns or kin types or smth but even just the mere thought categorizing these new things into ~weird~ and dismissing them was extremely just. bad. some people don't get to realize stuff like that and some people do and it's applicable to a lot of shit but I'm just really glad I don't immediately just dump parts of a person into the fuckin void and mentally make them a person that is more """normal""" like .... yikes anyway this was kin centric just bc I realized how like similarly kin identifying stuff describes a lot of me-things and while that's a whole other pot of beans I'm not gonna get into ( & i don't think it's accurate to describe me myself) it's still just like... idk. im just glad I don't immediately discredit and reject like that. I stil have some moments and I usually pause and like review in the moment and if not, then later n yea. i dunno. don't shit on otherkin or ppl who use neopronouns or anything their identity and existence is valid that's the moral of that story