Sometimes I still get angry that I was always told having bare shoulders and shorts above the knee was shameful. That I was made to feel that men becoming sexually aroused was my fault because I was dressed “inappropriately”. That I wasn’t allowed to experiment with my personal style and individuality as a teen. That I wasn’t allowed to date or hang out with non-mormon teens. That I felt forced to conform to a conservative lifestyle I didn’t personally believe in because I didn’t want to risk losing my parents love. That I was told my sexuality was not my own.
I am angry that I was told to get an education that would help me raise children; and that when I said I wanted to be a doctor/nurse practitioner I was given the talk about a women’s roll in the home and that getting an advanced degree would be unfair to my husband and children. FYI: I didn’t listen to that speech. My non-mormon husband was my biggest supporter in finishing nursing school after we met and LOVES that I want to continue my education and become a nurse practitioner.
I am angry I have to hide my coffee maker and wine in my own house when my parents visit. I am angry my relatives think my marriage is somehow less then legal because it was a civil ceremony preformed by a non-mormon reverend.
Most of all, I am angry because while I am happier, more fulfilled, no longer judgmental, and no longer self-loathing for not being a perfect “Molly Mormon” like I was when I was a member of their church–my parents, brother, and extended family all think I am miserable. They pity me. They tell me I am not really happy, that I am being deceived by the Devil and when I come to my senses and see what I have done I will be miserable forever.
I know they are only saying what they have been programmed to say. I know that they are afraid because they have been programmed to believe that in order to be happy they must follow their leaders and all of the rules. I know they can’t comprehend anyone being happy outside of their church.
I still love them, I just do not love their church or what it does to people.