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andromarche · 3 months

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Hear me out, whenever one of the batlings does something good/bad, Bruce responds accordingly by changing his last will and testament. Most of them don’t even need or care about the money/company/manor, but they treat it in the same way young kids treat a sticker chart.

The batkids regularly break into Bruce’s lawyers office to check if they got any more stickers and forge the will so they get a bigger cut (more stickers). Bruce’s lawyer regularly returns to their office in the morning to papers and ink everywhere, and batarangs lodged in the side of the desk.

The lawyer thinks Bruce is just very fickle. Like this is BRUCIE WAYNE we’re talking about. He’s said on the record that he thinks the moon is made of cheese, he writes his signature with a cute little heart next to it. Very loveable. Not the brightest or most likely to think hard about the long term. They’re convinced the frequent and glaringly obvious Batman/Robin break ins is because Batman is one of Brucie Wayne’s kids and wants to keep checking he’s in the will.

•••

Tim: *mentions off-hand that he’s been awake for 48hours on 12 straight black coffees and sheer-will*

Bruce: *furiously calling his lawyer to cut Tim out of his will and leave the company to Jason*

•••

Lawyer: *holding the coffee pot to head back to their desk, to see Nightwing riffling through the drawers*

Lawyer:

Nightwing: *takes the entire coffee pot and pours it into his mouth, not breaking eye contact*

Lawyer: *sigh* Top drawer, right side. Had to move it because Robin spilled ink in the other drawer last night.

Nightwing: *devious grin, writing out “I leave my entire fortune, company and properties to Richard Grayson-Wayne. To my son, Damian Wayne, I leave one penny. To all of my other children, I leave a crisp $20 bill and this message ‘divide it amongst yourselves’.” And perfectly forging Brucie’s signature, complete with a heart next to the name.*

•••

Tim: B! B! What’s this I hear about you leaving us all a $20???

Steph: I DIDNT GET LEFT ANYTHING

Bruce, knows he explicitly mentioned Steph in his will: Oh well, since you didn’t want to be legally adopted-

Steph: IM EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY ADOPTED. I CLAIM SQUATTER’S RIGHTS.

Dick, knowing he changed it last night before Steph’s weekly snoop of the will: On… this family?

Steph: NO JUST THE WILL! ITS ABOUT THE PRINCIPLE.

•••

Lawyer, upon seeing Brucie Wayne for the third time this week to change his will: So, who did what this week? Was it Batman again?

Bruce: What?

Lawyer: Don’t worry, I’m not going to rat out that Batman is your kid.

Bruce: Right, thank you. I appreciate it.

Lawyer: *thinking more about Bruce’s high public profile and how judgemental Gotham’s high society can be than the vigilante stuff* I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to become a father so young. You must have still been in high school!

Bruce, confused and committed to the bit: Yeah, me and his mother still speak sometimes. He keeps getting annoyed by his brothers taking the car out for joyrides.

Lawyer: I hear ya, my eldest just started driving, she loves it though and keeps taking the car to Metropolis randomly.

#batman #batfamily #tim drake #bruce wayne #jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #red robin #dc universe #dcu #robin #red hood #nightwing #batfam #No it does not matter that Tim is already the CEO.#yes jason is legally dead here #yes jason does show up to next board meeting

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 1 year

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i think it would be funny if people occasionally arose from the dead. like if that was a real-life one-in-a-million but well-documented Thing That Sometimes Happens, and the entire legal system around death (laws on inheritance & marriage & murder etc) had to include caveats for the unlikely-but-scientifically-possible event that the dead person in question might spontaneously self-resurrect, even years or decades after death. it would raise so many inconvenient and absurd possibilities

#imagine the legal system in that timeline #property laws and inheritance laws and bigamy laws--what happens if your spouse resurrects 10 years after they die?#think how AWKWARD that would be #what happens if you inherit from someone who comes back do you have to give the inheritance back? what if u used it to buy stuff?#does the jetski u bought with the money your grandpa left u 15 years ago in college now belong to grandpa?#or is there a statute of limitations?#if the guy you got convicted of murdering returns from the dead does your conviction get changed from murder to grievous harm?#how is the grievousness of the harm measured? in the number of years the guy spent as a corpse?#what if you spend 20 years in prison and the victim comes back to life and it turns out grievous harm would have landed you only 5ish years #do you get reimbursed for the extra 15 years u spent in prison?#what is the legal process for proving you have come back to life?#what are the minimum legal requirements for establishing a revenant's identity?#does it become regulation to make fingerprint/dental records of every single person who dies just on the off chance one of them comes back?#what happens if it's someone from like 300 years ago?#the world has changed and everyone they know is dead. is there a social services department that can help with that?#there would be a whole branch of counseling services for people who have reanimated or had a loved one reanimate #grief 2.0 counselors

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happyheidi · 2 years

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legally blonde is dark academia bc it takes place in college and involves a murder

#I’m dead #dark academia aesthetic #where’s the lie?#cottagecore #legally blonde #I’m taking the dog dumbass #funny #text

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adharastarlight · 6 months

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Reg: i refrained from killing multiple people today

Rem: well done. why?

Reg: they were being loud - oh, you mean, why didnt i?

Rem: obviously

Reg: there were too many witnesses

James and Sirius are watching their boyfriends with heart eyes in mild fear

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lotus-pear · 1 year

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custody battle over scaramouche after sumeru archon quest—spoiler venti wins 👀

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nerdpoe · 2 hours

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It's Danny's first time doing his taxes, and he's reaching out to an online friend to help him. This is how he discovers that as far as the rest of the world is concerned, Amity Park is a barely contained zombie outbreak.

He'd made an online friend, Bart, and they played video games a lot.

Danny's fulltime job is inventing alongside his parents, and as that makes him self-employed (he doesn't work for his parents just next to them), this makes his taxes a little...scary. And it's his first tax season.

He reaches out to Bart, and asks if he knows anyone who files as self employed and if they'd be able to give him some guidance.

He can't ask his parents because, apparently, they've just been throwing random numbers on the papers and have no interest in actually doing them. Danny would like to do this properly.

Also he would like to know how his parents haven't been arrested? Questions for later.

So he shoots a message to Bart, who's apparently in the middle of some sort of sleepover with all of his old friends. Bart assures him that it's fine, and they'll all pitch in to help.

They just need to know his city and state so that the nerd of the group, some guy named Tim, can look up local state and city tax law.

When he tells them he's from Amity Park, there's no response for a good ten minutes.

What follows is a barely legible request for a phone number to call, and a group of people on the other side shouting and asking how he's avoided dying in the hellscape zombie apocalypse that is Amity Park.

Danny has no idea what the other shit means, but he's not about to dodge a chance to make a dead joke when he has one.

"I mean. If you wanna get technical, I didn't. Is...that something that'll effect my taxes?"

OR: The GIW has been lying to keep the Justice League and Justice League Dark out of Amity Park by declaring it a Disaster Zone, stating that not only is there massive pollutants in the air and soil, but that the undead run rampant and are barely contained. The wording they use, however, is a little weird upon closer inspection. It never specifies zombie, and it never says what pollutants. Danny's not super interested about that, though; he just wants to pay his taxes so that the IRS doesn't kill him in his sleep.

#dpxdc #dcxdp #dp x dc #dc x dp #phanfic #story prompt #tim absolutely digs into whether or not being dead effects his taxes #kon starts questioning whether he should be paying them?#is he even a legal resident of the usa?#tim should he get naturalized?#bart wants to go to amity #because talking and sentient zombies are cool as fuck #cassie is not super on board with going to amity park #she has a few more questions before agreeing to a field trip to go there #and there will be a field trip to amity park #a city of technically undead due to ecto contamination functioning perfectly normal?#fuck yeah they wanna see this twilight zone bullshit

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kinaesthetiqueer · 3 months

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no wonder Nora never took her jacket off; RNJR would have never gotten anything done.

i like to think this happens in v4 because Ruby makes an offhand comment about Nora and Jaune not having guns as part of their kits. and Nora whips off her jacket and cries "guns? oh i've got guns! 😏" cue Jaune and Ren having a crisis. Ren is, to quote a friend, "experiencing emotions previously unknown, possibly shrimp ones".

redraw of this meme, because i wanted to draw best girl flexing and being admired, as she deserves.

renorarc et al. versions under the cut. :) image ID in alt text.

i don't have a twitter, so if you're inclined to share, please link back to this post rather than reposting it, thank you :')

#team jnpr #jnpr berries #jnpr #nora valkyrie #pyrrha nikos #lie ren #jaune arc #rwby #rwby fanart #rwby memes #kina draws #it was very difficult to get my art style to work with realistic proportions #but it was very fun!!#no armor/crown on pyrrha on purpose bc she's dead and i want her to REST without expectations #first time drawing jaune please have mercy on me #he did not have mercy on ME; he has so much armor #want to call this a doodle the way it's unshaded and monochrome-lined but i legally cannot because of how long it took me #anyways im a simple lesbian i see pretty lady flexin and i black out and draw blorbo #anyways i liked this enough to make it my header aksjskaksjsj wild

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thecruellestmonth · 3 months

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Does the mass-murdering criminal Jason "Red Hood" Todd canonically support the death penalty?

No, I can't find evidence that Red Hood supports the death penalty.

There is a difference between murder (illegal) and state-sanctioned killing (legal). Red Hood commits unlawful homicide. The death penalty is lawful homicide. Jason is a murderer. The death penalty is not legally considered murder. Commissioner Jim Gordon is a decorated military veteran, not a murderer.

Committing violence ≠ wanting the government to have the right to commit that violence. Batman and his allies brutalize criminals; they don't necessarily support the state brutalizing criminals. Red Hood kills some criminals; Red Hood doesn't necessarily support the state killing criminals. Catwoman doesn't necessarily support the state committing burglary. Et cetera.

The death penalty is administered by the criminal legal system. Jason does not like the criminal legal system (see some of his run-ins with the police). He grew up as an impoverished child who didn't believe in the system, he was raised by Batman to believe that vigilantes can make a difference that the system can't, and he became an adult criminal who still doesn't believe in the system. He's not interested in using the criminal legal system. He isn't interested in giving more powers and privileges to an abusive system that has wronged him and the people he cares about.

When Jason started up his villain business, the death penalty was legal in Gotham City. (See Detective Comics #644, The Joker: Devil's Advocate, Batgirl 2000 #19, Punchline #1.) The death penalty was also in place during his Robin run. Jason didn't argue in favor of the state having the right to kill prisoners, and the death penalty never addressed his complaints about the status quo.

Jason has rescued people from wrongful* imprisonment and the death penalty. Again, based on his own firsthand experiences, he has many reasons to believe that the system is broken. *Some of us would argue that locking any people in prisons tends to be wrongful and inhumane by default, but we could choose to accept the standard premises of crime fiction as without endorsing it as moral instruction.

Jason Todd is a criminal: a mass murderer, a terrorist, a villain. He does evil. He doesn't represent or support the legal system. He probably has the least political capital out of all the Batfamily-associated characters. He doesn't promote the death penalty. He commits murder—illegally, as a criminal, state-unapproved.

Some recent comics related to the topic:

Gotham Nights (2020) #11 "One Minute After Midnight", written by Marc Guggenheim

Red Hood and Nightwing team up to investigate the case of a man wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to be executed. Both of them disapprove of how the broken criminal legal system botched this case.

Joker: The Man Who Stopped Laughing #8 (2023), written by Matthew Rosenberg

"You familiar with Hannah Arendt's concept of Schreibtischtäter? Desk murderers? It's people who use the state to kill for them, so they don't have to get their hands dirty."

#Jason Todd #Jason Todd meta #Batfam meta #Batfamily meta #Batfam #Batfamily #Robin II #Batkids #Batman Gotham Nights #DC Robin #Red Hood #Joker The Man Who Stopped Laughing #Matt Rosenberg #canon vs fanon #fanon vs canon #panels #RHATO 2011 opens with Red Hood saving somebody from being unjustly executed. Don't read it. It is bad. Just trust me.#Jason Todd is legally dead and not registered to vote.#I could make a much longer post about Jason's general contempt for authorities but let's limit it today.#thecruellestmonth #I know the 1992-2010 comics purists are going to come after me for using recent comics.#I could make a much longer post about Post-Crisis Jason Todd's attitudes about the police and the state.#But that longer post still wouldn't have much to say about the death penalty--#--because--AGAIN--there is NO evidence that Jason supports the death penalty! But there is plenty of indirect evidence that he doesn't.#Do the words ''system''‚ ''state''‚ ''criminal''‚ and ''legal'' look like real words anymore?#ID in alt text #described #image described #ID in alt #image description

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bad-person-1810 · 5 months

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I cannot tell one funny story in the aa discord without being told I'm "phoenix coded" I hate it here

#jk i love it #ace attorney #narumitsu #phoenix wright #if youre wondering #“how where you legally dead for a minute” the answer is i was such a fucked up and pathetic baby they looked at me and went yup #that things dead for sure and then as im being like deared dead i makd the most pathetic baby noise imaginable and the doctors wgere shocked

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semiweirdshipper · 1 year

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Killer reactions to a legally blind reader who had their glasses stolen from them during a trial. (Part one).

Notes: non-binary reader. Warnings for minor, non-graphic violence and injuries.

...

Frank

He found your glasses by an unfinished generator and picked them up. Why were these here? Didn't you need them?

"David? David, give them back. This isn't funny." He heard you say from a distance.

Frank followed the direction of your panicked calls and soon found you stumbling along the trees, your arms out and eyes harshly squinted. Those imbecile team mates of yours must have stolen your glasses. Welp....

Time to give them back.

"Missing something?" He said teasingly, stopping behind you.

You gasped and whipped around, squinting your eyes and asking anxiously, "Who-whose there?"

"Oh, you know, just the delivery boy," Frank walked forward, grabbed your hand and swiftly placed the glasses inside. Then he stepped back and watched as you quickly struggled to put them on, your body going rigid when your eyes adjusted and you saw exactly who it was that returned your glasses to you.

Behind his mask, Frank smirked, amused by the expression of utter disbelief, shock and fear on your adorable face. You were frozen, unable to move as you stared at him as if waiting for something to happen.

He took a few steps closer to you causing you to flinch and whimper in fear. "Shouldn't I get a 'thank you'?" He asked, tilting his head expectantly.

You nodded quickly, saying in a mixture of fear and gratitude, "Th-thank you... very much."

Hmp. Man, you were cute. Frank lifted his hand out, grabbed an edge of your glasses and gently adjusted them. "You're welcome," He said pleasantly, brushing your cheek with a knuckle before turning away to resume the trial.

Caleb

He saw your glasses fall from Meg's hand when he shot her, and he picked them up a few seconds later wondering why she had them in the first place. If he heard correctly, you couldn't see anything without them. So why did Meg have them?

Caleb found out the answer when he saw you struggling to work on a generator. When you heard his footsteps, you anxiously stood up and asked, "Meg? I-is that you? Please, give me my glasses back, I need them."

"Oh, thems 'yir' glasses I got 'ere?" Caleb couldn't help but to tease.

He watched with a chuckle as recognition and then horror bloomed across your face, and you gasped brokenly, turning away to try and feel for an escape. But you were boxed in by the generator, the pillar, and him.

With no other alternative, you hunched in on yourself, shaking in fear while awaiting whatever horrid torment he had in mind for you. "Well hey now, don't go gettin' all scared on me," Caleb set his gun down and stepped closer to you, "Ya want yir second eyes back?"

You whimpered, nodding nervously, "Y-yes... Please?"

"Hold still then," Caleb examined the glasses before going to gently slide them back onto your face. He stayed standing in front of you, eager to see your reaction, "There. That better for ya, sugar?"

He watched as you touched the glasses as if they were a foreign object, your lashes fluttering as you look at him with awe and disbelief. "Thank you," You whispered so softly he barely heard you.

Caleb snickered playfully, leaning closer and mumbling lowly, "This mean I get a reward?"

Bubba

He saw you bumping into walls right after Jake took off sprinting in the opposite direction, and he muttered in suspicion while making his way towards you. At the sound of his chainsaw, you cried in panic and attempted to get away only to trip and fall down.

Bubba squealed in concern, immediately setting aside his chainsaw and hammer so that he could kneel down and help you back up. He chirped in confusion when he saw the lack of glasses on your face, your squinting eyes outlining your dilemma.

"Just kill me," You whined hopelessly, "Th-they took my glasses. I can't see... Just kill me, please."

They stole your glasses? What monsters! Bubba squealed loudly in remorse, his hands patting your back and shoulders as he guided you to sit against the wall. Muttering lowly, he caressed your head and patted your shoulder as a silent command to stay put.

Grabbing his chainsaw and hammer, Bubba took off in search for your glasses. He was angry, and it didn't take him long to kill people whenever he was angry. Within fifteen minutes he had slaughtered the other three survivors, retrieved your glasses, and returned to your side.

Bending down, Bubba carefully placed your glasses back on your face, grinning big in endearment. You were so precious! What Jake did was mean. He squealed, grabbing your hands and helping you up.

"Thank you, Bubba," You say gratefully.

Bubba squealed and hugged you, fondly nuzzling the top of your head. Then he reached down, intersected your hands and began guiding you down the hall. Let's go find you the hatch!

Jeffrey

He witnessed your glasses fall from Nea's hand when he threw her on the hook, and he picked them up with a raised brow. "Ya steal these from (y/n)?" He asked in a dangerous tone.

Nea's answer didn't satisfy him, and let's just say she ended up eviscerated. Afterwards, Jeffrey spent a lot of time hunting you down, cursing when he couldn't find you.

Eventually, he did catch you hiding in a locker. When he wrenched the doors open, he took in the sad sight of you crying in fear and misery, your hands covering your face. "This ain't no way to greet ol' Jeffrey, is it?" He asked, licking his lips.

The way you sniffled and cried harder made him grunt in dissatisfaction. "Here," He nudged your glasses against your arm, "Put them on. Ya ain't no fun when ya can't see."

"Huh?" You blinked in shock, blindly grabbing your glasses and staring at him breathlessly, "You... You're?"

"Waitin' for some appreciation? Yeah, I think I am," Jeffrey huffed, standing back and watching as you slid your glasses on, looking at him shyly. God, you were delectable.

"Thank you," You nodded in visual appreciation, albeit still terrified, "I... I'm sorry they did that..."

"Ain't no reason apologizin' to me," Jeffrey coughed and allowed you enough room to exit the locker. "Besides... Who'd I be not to help my favorite little snack?"

You gasped when Jeffrey grabbed your hand and lifted it to his mouth, a shudder vibrating through you as he slid his lips across his favorite finger of yours. You blushed heavily, rushing away flustered when he let you go.

Herman

He saw you struggling to seal the wound on your shoulder and soon noticed that you didn't have your glasses. Rumor had it that you were legally blind, and every other time he encountered you, you always had your glasses.

Unleashing his mouth guards, Herman walked closer to you and asked gently, "Miss/Mr. (y/n), where are your glasses?"

"O-ow," You whimpered in pain after messing up patching your shoulder, your body shaking as you braced for an attack, "They were stolen."

"By who?" Herman stopped in front of you, setting down his weapon.

"Yui," You answer sadly.

"Here. May I help you?" Herman kneeled down, skillfully ignoring the Entity as he helped wrap your wounded shoulder. "I apologize for her misbehavior. Should I find your glasses, I will return them to you."

"Wh... Why?" You whispered, squinting your worthless eyes at him, "Why are you helping me?"

Herman didn't answer until he was done bandaging your wound, his eyes glowing pink as he gazed upon you, "What kind of man would I consider myself to be to take advantage of you in such a way?"

As your eyes went wide at his words, Herman stood, grabbed his weapon and briefly promised to return if he was successful in finding your glasses.

After about ten minutes when you were on a generator, Herman handed you your glasses and nodded at your thankful gesture before taking off in a different direction leaving you smiling warmly at his kindness.

Michael

He was in the distance stalking whenever he witnessed Feng steal your glasses and run off leaving you searching helplessly for anchorage. That no good traitor. She made the wrong decision treating you this way.

Leaving you be, Michael hunted down Feng and killed her. Once he realized that she didn't have your glasses, he went and killed the other two survivors but to no avail. Apparently none of them had your glasses.

On his way through the fields searching for you, Michael spotted your glasses broken and shattered on the ground. Guess he wouldn't be returning them after all.

Pinpointing your confused location, Michael marched up to you and peered down at your flinching, helpless figure. As soon as you realized that he wasn't going to harm you, you timidly asked, "Michael?"

Upon confirmation, Michael reached down and grabbed your wrist in a gentle but firm grip. You gasped and tensed up, but otherwise did not fight. "Wh-what's going on?" You whimpered, stumbling in whatever direction he led you.

Michael, unable to respond, simply continued to guide you to the hatch. Those insolent team mates of yours sure were quite the unreliable losers. He had fun killing them. It was a shame that you couldn't see. You might have liked the revenge he conjured for you.

Reaching the hatch, Michael let you go, smirking behind his mask when you grabbed his sleeve and bashfully said, "Thank you... Thank you so much."

#dead by daylight #slashers #fanfiction #reader insert #dead by daylight fanfiction #frank morrison x reader #caleb quinn x reader #jeffrey hawk x reader #bubba sawyer x reader #herman carter x reader #michael myers x reader #Legally blind reader #killers x reader #slasher fanfiction

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