Sharing my story (don't know if anyone will read it) bc it helped ME read about other's stories and experiences, and maybe mine can speak to at least someone out there.
This is me 🧡🤍💗
tw // homophobia and religion.
For the longest time I thought I was aromantic because I had never felt romantically attracted to the men I found aesthetically attractive. Towards them it was more of a platonic feeling, wanting to be their friend and get to know them. And I thought "well, yeah I must be aromantic. of course that would to apply to all genders too, right?" I still remember telling my sister "I don't think I would mind being close with a girl tho. Either way I'm aro." I TOTALLY IGNORED IT!
And now, looking back at that, I can see that aromantic felt like me & I used that label for various months bc my experience with romantic attraction had only been towards males. And I knew I didn't want a boyfriend nor date men or get married. I didn't experience romantic attraction towards any of them; so aromantic was fitting.
But because of the heteronormativity in my culture, and the homophobic house I had grown up in, I couldn't even consider the female gender as part of my attraction. I was taught that it was a sin and I SWEAR that every time I saw a pretty girl I would immediately go "no, I can't be thinking this. It is bad bc I'm also a girl." It is painfully sad... but that was the way I had to program my mind to be so I wouldn't be sinful. Every single recollection of memories from my childhood, that's how it was. I couldn't even imagine it or I'd feel guilty and had to ask for forgiveness.
Therefore, I never considered my romantic attraction towards women. "I have to be aromantic ofc."
Months later after I underwent this process of deconstruction and separating myself from religion; is that I decided to come back to it.
We were still in quarantine so I had lots of time to think and be with myself. And I remember doing this diagram where I divided my romantic attraction in percentages. Male/Female/NB. How much I felt romantically attracted to girls, boys or female/male aligned people? And omg...
NOW, without that guilt and fear of hell and sin that I had grown up in 🥺, I was able to let my mind fantasize and imagine what it would be like to have a romantic relationship with a girl. wlw. (I'm asexual so I am not sexually interested in anyone regardless of their gender. This is my romantic orientation I was figuring.)
Going on fun dates, talking to her for hours, laughing and crying from laughter, holding hands with her, cuddling, kissing and being affectionate with a girl. Having a romantic relationship with one and maybe sharing my life next to her... that's when it clicked me! Everything made sense 😭💘
Why I was never interested in having a partner nor getting married or kissing, or doing stereotypically romantic things, "I must be aromantic." Because I always imagined and pictured those scenarios with a MAN! I had to! It was the way things should be for me 🤷🏻♀️
Eventhough this realization hit, and I thought "shit I'm so gay," I was scared. And I didn't want to accept it bc of how dangerous it would be to be entirely myself in this country, bc of my parents and friends who have expectations and standards for me. It is scary to come to terms with your orientation if you live in a world like that...
But the satisfaction of coming to terms with my romantic orientation within myself, that's priceless ❤ Even if I won't be coming out for who knows how long until I'm safe, I'm still a lesbian. I'm still a women who loves women dearly and would love to share my life next to one. I know that now, deep in my heart.
And it is totally valid to realise that I'm a lesbian until this point in my life, it doesn't make me any less of a lesbian. I've always been gay! I didn't choose this.
I just wasn't allowed to be myself ever since I was younger... and now that I'm free of that guilt. I can understand it. And I think that's enough for now 🥺❤ I don't need to come out to anyone irl life yet. I just need to be patient until it is safe. I am still a lesbian! I am me. And I am not giving up yet.
I believe that someday I will meet a beautiful & sweet girl who I will grow to love and care for as much as she does for me. & we will be happy together and share our love for as long as we are able to. 🤍
Thank you if you read this, I hope you understood my story. I can only wish you the best in your journey too. Listen to YOUR inner voice. I hope you're safe <3
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