#let caduceus have an intense emotional moment

[lovesick-rambles]

Heart to Heart

commission for: @of-comfort-and-love

summary: Some members of the Caduceus team go our for drinks to unwind after working so hard. Derek and Nurse Crystal get a little tipsy and have a bit of an emotional chat.

word count: 1k

content warnings: Mentions of hospital work, alcohol, a fictional disease (not in detail), worries about death

author's note: Thank you so much for commissioning me, Crystal! I enjoyed writing this for you! :)

It had been a long, grueling, unforgiving day for the Caduceus team today. Thankfully, it was now over and all of them could relax for the night. Now that they weren’t plagued with their important duties for the time being, they decided to unwind by going out to grab some drinks together. At first, things were a little stiff between them because the only thing on their mind at the moment was work. But, after some time and after a few well deserved drinks, they started to loosen up a bit and feel a little more chatty. 

“Wow, what a day.” Angie yawned, “What a week! I’m just glad we can forget about it now.”

“I agree,” Derek replied, taking a sip of his drink, “Work has been intense lately.”

Crystal giggled, tracing the rim of her drink with her finger, “Oh, do you have any room to complain? You can barely do your own paperwork!” She joked, smiling at him.

He scoffed and smiled back, “That fact alone is why it tires me so easily. I’m much better at working with my hands, you know that!”

“Oh, yes, I’m so sorry that writing a few words is such a difficult task!” She took a drink and laughed at him.

“Let’s not worry about paperwork or how Derek is terrible at keeping up with it!” Tyler piped in, holding up his glass, “Let’s just be glad that we can push that away for the time being and just enjoy each other’s company!”

Everyone agreed and raised their glasses with him, clinking them together. They were all feeling a little tipsy, but it made them feel good. They felt happy, a little woozy, a bit warm, but overall it was a good feeling for them all. The whole team was laughing and joking with each other, feeling a bit silly thanks to their relief that the day was done and thanks to their drinks. Despite accompanying their Caduceus team, everyone else basically faded into the background for Derek and Crystal. They made chit chat with the others, sure, but they were mainly focused on each other.

“You know I was just kidding about the paperwork thing, right?” Crystal questioned, feeling a little sensitive in her tipsy state.

“Hmm?” Derek furrowed his eyebrows slightly, “Yeah, of course! You are right, though. I need to get better at writing those silly little words on those silly little papers.”

“Well, I can’t say I blame you entirely.” She shrugged, “It is a hassle and takes up a lot of valuable time.”

He chuckled, “Maybe that’s why I’m so lazy when it comes to it.”

“Maybe…” Crystal trailed off, getting lost in her thoughts. Her relaxed demeanor slowly morphed into a nervous and reserved one. Things had been so stressful for all of them, especially for Crystal and Derek. She had to keep it all to herself so that she was present in the operating room. But, now she doesn't have that restraint. She could wear those dreary emotions on her sleeves without them getting in the way of her occupation as a nurse. Crystal didn’t have to bury these feelings for the sake of her job anymore, she now had the space to express them. So, they hit her suddenly and they hit her hard.

Derek took note of this sudden mood change, “Hey, are you okay? What’s the matter?” He asked, concerned for her.

Crystal shook her head and took another long sip of her drink, “Yeah, don’t worry. I’m alright. Just…thinking, I guess.”

“About what?” He scooched closer to her, “You can tell me anything.”

Tears stung the corners of her eyes, “I’m just going over everything that happened. It’s all been a lot, you know?”

Derek nodded his head, “You could say that again. But, is there something specific on your mind? Not to pry, but you just seem distant suddenly. Do you want to talk?”

That simple question caused the fall of an avalanche of emotions for Crystal. Silent streaks of tears fell down her cheeks as she explained, “It’s just…I was so scared for you when we found out you caught GUILT. It was so terrifying and I thought the worst while you were sick. I thought you wouldn’t make it, I was so afraid, Derek.”

He let her talk without interrupting and rubbed her back. He’s never seen her break down like this before, so he did what he thought was best to comfort her. Crystal went on to explain how these feelings came out so suddenly because she had to remain professional while in the operating room and couldn’t afford to let her fear get in the way of her work. She continued, saying how much Derek mattered to her and how she tried to prepare herself for the worst if it were to come so she wouldn’t be blindsided if it happened. 

“Hey, hey,” Derek whispered as she softly cried, “It’s okay. I’m sorry you were so scared and that you faced that silently. I’m sorry I worried you so much.”

“No! You don’t have to apologize!” She leaned into his touch, loving how his hand felt on her back, “I care about you so much. I’m just so relieved that you’re okay now.”

“Yes, I’m here.” He smiled at her, “I’m here and will stay with you no matter what.”

Crystal smiled back, feeling like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders now that she could vent about her emotions. She also felt better with Derek comforting her like this. It made her heart feel warm and flutter a bit in her chest. She giggled a little, wiping her tears away, “Okay, now that I got that cry out, let’s go back to getting drunk and having a silly conversation.”

Derek laughed, “Sure. Do you want another drink?”

She turned to him and batted her eyelashes at him, “Would you get it for me, please? If you do, we can call it even for you making me worry so much.”

His cheeks were dusted with a light pink, her charm making him a little flustered, “Of course I can. We’ll call it even, just like you said.”

With that, the rest of their night felt lighter. Crystal and Derek felt even closer to each other after that heart to heart. They spent the rest of their night nursing their drinks and poking fun at each other, just like at the beginning of the night. Past worries or thoughts of work the next day were nonexistent to them. All that mattered was each other.

#commissions ♡ #thank you for commissioning me! #my writing #self ship commissions #writing commissions #scheduled

[criticallyincorrect]

Fjord: Cad, that was intense to say the least. Everything okay?

Caduceus: *giving two thumbs up* nope

#source: the good place #teahaw #fjorclay #fjord stone #caduceus clay #let caduceus have an intense emotional moment #give this wonderful firbolg hugs unconditional love and support #make him some tea #he needs it #critical role #incorrect critical role #the mighty nein #incorrect mighty nein

[vake-hunter]

Fingerking and Devil lore post!

Spoilers for the Parabolan War, Heart’s Desire Endings, Nemesis Endings and Sunless Skies

So what are the Fingerkings anyway?

"We live behind the glass, the Fingerkings. Parabola is ours. If you want free passage of this place," it says, "that comes only from us." It flicks your ankle with the tip of a forked tongue. "Trust that I am the least dangerous of my kind."

It speaks other names. Orts. Boil. A Spire. Be cautious of these beings and places. Show respect, and do not make demands unless you are willing to bargain. 

— Dome of Scales, Occupied in Parabola; Fallen London

What about the Devils?

"After the Well of the Wolf," he says, "the Devils could no longer remain in the sight of the Judgements: not if we intended to live. We escaped through Caduceus into Parabola, the place that is not; and from there onward. We were a people in exile. Not strong enough to take a place and hold it for our own. Not weak enough to be welcomed as refugees. It was an intolerable time and I take no pleasure in remembering it." 

— Ask him about his memories of Caduceus via The Repentant Devil; Sunless Skies

Hold on, back up, The Well of the Wolf? What happened?

Revolution.

"It was a waste," the Repentant Devil says. "The protests, the peaceful fights and the violent ones. We were never likely to win by those methods."

You wait.

"Control what something consumes," he says, "and you control what it is. The feeding of stars is a delicate art. I had spent centuries in cultivating them, studying their palates, watching for evidence of their responsive growth. I had influence. Now, how much can any Devil say the same?" 

— Ask more about rebelling against the Judgements via The Repentant Devil; Sunless Skies

So the Devils and the Fingerkings met in Caduceus.

[...] 

The devils swarming into Parabola longed for many things: for souls, for escape, for their own deaths and the things that waited beyond each death. The Fingerkings saw their longing, and welcomed them as food.

The devils were bargainers, contract-writers, enemies of the stars. The Fingerkings saw their nature, and welcomed them as allies.

The devils were hollow, skin-shedders, eternally in chrysalis. The Fingerkings saw their capacity, and welcomed them as salvation.

— Receive the story in the form of cascabel venom via The Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

The Parlous Knot was the greatest Fingerking-congregation of its time: vast, numerous, indivisibly loyal.

It was the Knot that arranged the treaty. The devils would dwell in Parabola as long as they wished, but one day, they would depart, carrying any Fingerking who wished to possess a devil.

This Fingerking before you is descended from the Parlous Knot; it hatched on the day the bargain was fulfilled.

— Ancestral Stories via The Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

Aeons passed. The devils were in no haste to go. They built furnaces that scarred the land. They traded with Irem; they changed Irem. They searched the mirrors endlessly for a suitable destination in which to hide themselves, but always that goal remained out of reach – until they found the Neath. Until the first person brought the first looking-glass below.

Then they were ready to leave Parabola. Fulfilling their bargain, they opened their mouths to the Fingerkings, offering them transport into the Neath.

But the inside of a devil is too changeable, too corrosive. A Fingerking cannot survive in such a place. The Parlous Knot was dissolved in the gullet of a Grand Devil.

The devils returned alone to the Is, unpossessed, and the Fingerkings remained, trapped without change.

— Ancestral Stories via The Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

Slightly different text of the above from having certain qualities

With Vengeance Nemesis Ending:

Aeons passed. The devils freely used the hospitality of Parabola. They defiled the land; they let the Parlous Knot grow old waiting for them.

At last the day came when the devils were prepared to leave, the moment for them to enter their Hell.

All the Fingerkings gathered, the Parlous Knot first of all. The scales of its snake-cohabitants had faded to silver and grey; the eyes of its members were glazed like marbles. But weary and eager for Being, the Parlous Knot climbed into the gullet of a grand devil–

And expired there in agony. The devils cannot be possessed. They cannot house a Fingerking. They must have known this. They must have traded on it. They must never have intended to honour the bargain.

They must be punished.

They must be followed and punished.

In the name of the Parlous Knot. For the sake of every other who ever accepted a contract with a devil.

With Escape Ending of Heart’s Desire: 

Aeons passed. The Fingerkings waited. The devils built furnaces in Parabola, and laid down trade routes. The Fingerkings waited. The devils looked into mirrors, and considered new homes, and did not choose any of them. The Fingerkings waited, though patience is not in their nature.

At last the devils saw the Neath. Their destination was chosen! Their escape was selected!

There were so many devils that every Fingerking alive would have an escape. But as a matter of respect, the first possession was offered to the Parlous Knot, for it had formed the treaty, and it had lived into a great old age in the hope of seeing it fulfilled.

But a grand devil swallowed the Parlous Knot into a pit of corrosion and absence: for there is nothing in a devil that can sustain a Fingerking. The Parlous Knot perished, in the sight of all its descendants, down to the smallest egg. And the devils went laughing into the Neath, and not one Fingerking escaped with them.

With Time Ending of Heart’s Desire:

Aeons passed. The Fingerkings waited. The devils built furnaces in Parabola, and laid down trade routes; looked out of mirrors, and considered new homes; and for generations searched for their new Hell.

When they discovered the Neath at last, the Fingerkings proved unable to possess them. To be swallowed by a devil was death and dissolution. A Fingerking lives on desire, and a devil cannot sustain it. It was the death of the Parlous Knot.

This story is told in venom and fury, but you are able to know the tale without being drawn in. You too have bargained everything for time. You have known the devils' side.

With the Impenitent Devil:

"Make no bargains that you cannot enforce," says the Impenitent Devil, when you have framed your question. "We did not betray the Fingerkings. We upheld our side of the bargain. When we left Parabola, we offered every one the chance to dwell inside a devil. Sadly, they did not find their new homes hospitable. We are not easy to possess. Not, at least, for such insubstantial creatures."

The Fingerking lifts its head to hiss at him. He pays it no mind. "How is it our fault if they did not understand what they asked for?"

He does not say the devils were ignorant. He does not say they made the treaty in good faith. He does not say they believed they could rescue the Fingerkings.

So bargains? 

"We always keep our bargains," says the Serpent of the Dome: almost affronted, perhaps, by any suggestion they might not keep a bargain with you.

— Purchase a greater freedom of the place via Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

[...] But this Fingerking is young, small, greedy. It has made its bargain without being ready for the dangers. [...] 

— An Illusion, Viewed from the Audience via The Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

The Fingerking is waiting, wide-jawed, for precisely the correct moment to open Parabola to the audience volunteer. Only the right victim, in the right state of mind, will bargain with a Fingerking, and allow himself to be possessed.

The victim must be at once anxious and bored, eager to be on-stage and sure nothing will happen, jaded with London and wishing against hope for some glimmer of cosmogone.

It is like waiting for the guards to leave their posts; it is like waiting for fruit to ripen on the vine.

But here, the moment's come. The victim's longing is intense, their doubt overpowering. Now, now, precisely now, the Fingerking lets them through the mirror, to the place where all dreams are true…

— An Illusion, Viewed from Behind via The Dome of Scales, Occupied; Fallen London

Devils are known for making contracts and being experts of loopholes and law. They are often lawyers and tricksters. They are known to be selfish and dangerous. 

Fingerkings do trick people in order to try to possess them, but it is just as dangerous for them as those they are possessing. They have to be strong enough, through feeding off emotions, in order to do this. It also seems the person needs to be willing, even if they are misled. They must agree to the bargain. 

Okay but what about roses and honey? 

We know Devils tend to roses, they do so all over. The walls of Hell are the only place Exile’s Roses can grow. Prisoner’s Honey is made by Lamplighter Bees who have pollinated these specific roses. The honey takes people to Parabola, where like dreams and glass, they can be led astray by Fingerkings. 

Order Serpentine from Knife-and-Candle says that the Devils did this on behalf of the Fingerkings, as a deal where the Fingerkings will give the Devil’s part of what they gain. 

…THE LITTLE SNAKE asked the grumpiest bee in both worlds for help. And the bee said, why should I help? And the snake said, I will give you one-fifth of all I gain thereby. So the bee thought, and he said, in a far place there grows a rose. And that rose…

— Order Serpentine, Sorrowful

...THE ROSE, WHICH IS CALLED EXILE'S ROSE, has a property of passage. So shall I brew a honey from its dusts and pollens, and the honey shall be sweet, and it shall bring those who taste it, here to your dwelling. And sometimes they shall stay forever. And the little snake was very pleased with all the new friends the honey brought, but... 

— Order Serpentine, Lachrymose

#fallen london #devils #fingerkings #lore #sunless skies #fallen london spoilers #sunless skies spoilers #parabola

[everdreamart]

How I Gravitate Towards You

Rating: Teen and up

Relationship: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widowgast

The Mighty Nein return The Blooming Grove. Essek takes time to think about the events that happened and has a talk with Caleb. Things slowly escalate from there ;)

~~~~~~~~~~

The grove was beautiful. Vines intertwined and tangled with the colorful blooms dotting the landscape. You would almost forget that this was, infact, a graveyard with the amount of life around it. Essek took a second to breathe in the nature around him. A very welcome change of environment compared to Cognoza.

Sighs and cheers of relief and triumph echoed around him as the Mighty Nein bathed in their newfound victory. The sight warmed his chest. His friends. Now there were actually nine of them.

How ironic. Essek thought to himself with a smile.

The Clays burst out of the moss covered temple and started to bombard the group with hugs. Caduceus was practically beaming with joy to see his family again. Jester rambled on about their adventure as the Clays eagerly rushed them inside. They gave curious glances to the two new members, but decided not to say anything about it at the moment.

Within moments food and tea were being prepared. Fjord asked to help with the cooking but was promptly shut down by Cornelius.

"Look at you all! It looks as if you have been through hell and back! Rest. We will take care of it," he said.

The food was delicious. Reminiscent of Caduceus' cooking from that one night in the Xhorhous. He smiled fondly at the memory. Essek's eyes drifted to each member of the Mighty Nein. How did this even happen?

His thoughts spiraled into an assortment of memories. Cold and alone in his study. Ambition gnawing at him as he struggles to progress in his research. Greed and selfish desire as he traded away his country's livelihood for knowledge. Fear as a bloodied human holds up one of the beacons he stole. Rage at the thought that his so very carefully planned espionage would be ruined by a bunch of sell-swords.

When had this ragtag group worn down his walls? Was it Jester's hugs? Or her consistently chaotic messages? Was it Yasha in her soft silence, or was it Beau in her harsh way of loving? Maybe Caduceus, with his gentle reassuring gestures. Or Veth, with her tough but kind way of showing care. Maybe it was Caleb. A mind that matches so perfectly to his own it was almost unsettling. Intellect sharp and piercing, with a gaze so intense he could melt under its warmth.

Essek found his eyes laid on Caleb. The strands of copper red hair falling partially over his eyes. A small part of him resists the urge to reach across the table and push the strands away. He studied his features, as if he hadn't already memorized them. The sharp curve of his jawline, his slightly tussled beard. Eyes so blue it almost felt like looking into the daytime sky. His mouth curved into a soft smile as he talked to Beauregard next to him. Essek lingered on that sight. The stress of these past weeks washed away as he focused on Caleb's smile. Then Caleb's eyes met his. Electricity jolted through him as the spark of whatever it was between them burned. Essek quickly looked away, a slight warmth building in his cheeks. He thanked the Luxon for drow skin coloration.

After food was had, the group gushed over their old (new..?) Friend. Poor man was probably so overwhelmed by the attention. Mollymauk - as Jester had told him - didn't say much at all in response to the Mighty Nein's questions.

"Empty… empty…" he trailed off.

As happy as they all were, exhaustion took over their senses. They were due for a much needed rest. Caleb did not have enough energy left to create the tower (Essek had quite a bit of thoughts he still needed to unpack about that place), so the group decided to sleep in the grove. Yasha lay with Beau snuggled up against her. They hugged and muttered sweet nothings to each other in low whispers. Molly was not too far from Yasha, and was quickly taken by peaceful sleep. Jester lay partially on Fjord's chest, talking about some new prank she wanted to try on her newly reunited parents. Caduceus lay back against the wall and was already passed out - his snore a rather loud one. Caleb lay next to veth, who was already out cold.

There wasn't really a need to be so close - they weren't in the confinements of the dome. And yet, they choose to drift near each other. Comfortable in the proximity. Essek felt very out of place. In the nights prior he could always stay a fair distance away from the cuddle pile, for the sake of keeping watch. But now, with the group all clumped together in the mass of life that was the blooming grove, Essek didn't know quite where to go. He fidgeted in his space as he debated where to trance. He can't go too far, but he definitely can't intrude on this intimate bond they all share. Eventually, Essek sits down a few feet from Caleb. He always seemed to gravitate towards him. Perhaps it was the similarities between them that made Essek feel safer in his presence.

Essek starts to begin his trance, and it is only then that the weight of the day's events crash onto him. The horrors of Cognoza will never truly leave his mind, but it is nothing compared to the absolute terror he felt when they were in that final fight.

The watch of one of the Somnovem caught him early on. The guilt of his actions surged into him tenfold. The lives he took, the families he'd broken, all for the sake of his selfish thirst for knowledge. It was all his fault.

He didn't catch sight of the tower hurled at him until it was too late. Caleb grunted as the weight of the rock (..flesh? It was very confusing) trapped him beneath it. Essek felt a surge of fear as he pictured the worst. He quickly scrambled over to where Caleb laid and desperately tried to pull him out. To no avail, it would seem. Those of his craft were not quite suited for these feats. Essek summoned the bead of possibility he had placed in himself beforehand. With a surprising surge of strength, he got Caleb to his feet.

In a rush of adrenalin,Caleb pulled him close and touched their foreheads together. If this was a different circumstance, Essek would be soaring. A small part of him completely forgot about the raging battle around them. That part focused on the presence of the man next to him. The wood burning autumn scent now mixed with the iron-y tinge of blood. That part of him noticed how close they were. Faces mere inches apart. Essek felt his heart jump into his throat. Then Caleb pulls back, the moment ending as quick as it began.

The ferver gained from this interaction was short-lived as Jester fell. Her bloody and broken corse strewn to the side carelessly. It was then that things started to go so very wrong. Jester was back thanks to Caduceus, mere seconds after she fell, but Esseks attention immediately went elsewhere. Caleb clutched at his torso with a grunt of pain as he fell, unconsciousness taking his form. Essek didn't even know he was capable of the rage that followed. He screamed and tore the very fabric of gravity itself around Lucien.

Then the battle field changed. It was no longer the fleshy horror of a city, but now a calming forest surrounding him. He looked forward to see the Mighty Nein - happy and smiling - with a hand outstretched towards him. It was Caleb. Caleb was calling him over to join them. Excitement burbled into him as he rushed towards the sight. It was only when he reached his destination he realized he had made a grave mistake.

The image of Caleb's torn and sundered body is one that will never leave Essek's mind. The sound it made as his lifeless corpse fell to the ground. The look he gave as the light left his eyes. It haunts him. The amount of terror, rage, pain and guilt he felt in that moment was immesruable. The world faded around him. Only being able to see the bloody shell of what once burned so bright. He fell to his knees, not hearing the final cries of battle around him. Essek's hands shook with emotion as he reached out to grab one of Caleb's. Those bright blue eyes he once knew were replaced by the vacuous expanse of emptiness and cold. He didnt hear the clerics rushing over and saying their prayers. He didn't hear the rest of the group trying to stifle their tears. He only stared into those eyes. Essek didn't breathe until Caleb inhaled once more.

Thoughts swirled around his head like an ocean of violent emotion. He can't trance like this. Essek stood up - trying his best to not wake his sleeping friends - and walked outside.

The calming reverie of the grove helped clear his mind a bit from these nightmares. He wandered around the exapanse, his hand tracing the occasional gravestone as he went. Eventually he came to the edge of the perimeter. Tall crystalline tree-like growths sprouted forth infront of him. Glowing ever so faintly. It was beautiful, the garden around him. So Essek sat and let himself soak up the tranquility of the nature around him.

It wasn't until he heard the rustle of footsteps that he opened his eyes.

"Its a bit late to be wandering the grove by yourself," Caleb noted, taking a seat next to Essek.

"Just… needed to clear my mind a bit." He replied.

"Ja, I get it. That was… a lot." Caleb laughed softly, a small smile playing on his lips. Essek found himself enraptured in the sound.

Caleb looked down, his brow furrowing ever so slightly as if deep in thought. He turned to look at Essek with a burning intensity. "Thank you, Essek."

Essek was taken aback by this. "For what?"

"You didn't have to come with us. You didn't have to risk your life just because I asked. And yet, you came anyway. Thank you." Caleb spoke softly. Appreciative.

Essek's mind whirred with thoughts. He didn't know how to respond. "I…" he trailed off. "Of course I.." Of course I had to come. You asked me to. I would do anything you asked. He didn't say. Instead, settling upon, "Of course I came. I care for you all more than any Dynasty or Empire. And I owe you this much."

Caleb shifted a bit at that. His hands fidgeted for a moment as he looked away. He moved his hand to touch Essek's. The touch was minimal. Almost unoticable to anyone but himself. Essek nearly jumped at the contact. A familiar tingling setting into his stomach.

Caleb's hand slowly grabbed Essek's, calloused fingers meeting smooth ones. Essek tried to map every detail. Every little feeling of the other man's hand in his. Entirely focused on the heat covering his skin.

"What do you plan to do after this?" Caleb inquired.

That startled Essek out of his reverie. "I.. I honestly do not know." He mumbled out. He couldn't go back to the dynasty, not with his situation like this. Could he go back to the outpost? Would that be safer? He was still responsible for people up there. He hadn't noticed himself squeezing Caleb's hand. At least, until Caleb squeezed back.

"What about you?" Essek asked, trying to shift the focus. "What do you plan on doing now?"

Caleb pondered for a moment, before responding with "There is still a few issues I need to take care of. I still have to help fix my home. Remove a cancer before it can spread."

Then, silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, per say, but something hung in the air. After a few moment in this quiet, Caleb turned and placed Essek under the intensity of his gaze. Those blue eyes bore into him with such a warmth. And Essek craved it. He craved to feel those eyes wash over him. He needed to see those eyes, alive and burning with a fiery passion.

The immense gravity of what he almost lost crushes him. The man sitting next to him, tenitivly holding his hand, died. If things hadn't worked out so well, if something different happened, he wouldnt have Caleb here next to him. That thought broke him. His eyes dropped down to look at the ground. Apperently he wasnt doing a very good job at hiding his emotions at the moment, because Caleb's face fell. He frowned and scooted closer to cup Essek's cheek.

"What's wrong, Shaltz?" Caleb asks tenderly. His thumb rubbing Essek's Cheekbone.

Essek looked up at him, and put his other hand on Caleb's as if to confirm that he was really here. "You… died Caleb… you died and I couldn't do anything. What if Caduceus and Jester didn't get there so quickly? What if something went wrong? What if-"

"I'm here. I'm ok. Everything is ok." Caleb cut him off. His voice gentle and soothing.

It was only then that Essek met his gaze. Caleb smiled softly, and Essek realized how close they were. Caleb's breath ghosting over Essek's lips. Essek forgot how to breathe. He could only focus on the feeling of Caleb so close to him. So close and yet not close enough. If he could just close the few inches… It took every ounce of self control that Essek had to steady himself. His pounding heart, the swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He knew he was staring. How could he not? Small freckles speckled across Caleb's face, framed by vibrant red hair.

The hand placed on Essek's cheek moved to the back of his neck, and Essek froze. Caleb painstakingly leaned in. So slow, so excruciatingly slow. As if to give Essek time to back away. To leave. But he didn't. And their lips met. The kiss was so soft, almost featherlight, and Essek's mind went blank. He could only focus on the sensation of Caleb's lips on his, how they were chapped and warm and perfect.

Caleb pulled back, a breaths distance between them. In all of his study of time, all Essek wanted to do now was stop it on that moment. It was over far too soon. Just the smallest brush of lips. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted more.

Essek leaned back in, crashing their lips together. This time the kiss was more desperate. As if scared that the other would pull away. Essek relished in the feeling. The heat of the man so close to him spreading to every inch of his body. Their lips fit together perfectly. Moving together and pressing into eachother. Essek moved his hand to Caleb's head. His fingers combing through the strands of coppery red. It was perfect. He wanted to remember every little sensation. He wanted to chart every little movement. His heart was beating so hard in his chest. He wants this to last forever.

They separate after what feels like a lifetime to catch their breath. Caleb's mouth is still parted as he gasps for breath. Essek savors the taste of Caleb on his lips as his breathing begins to steady. Part of him wants to reach out. To take Caleb's mouth once more. But Caleb speaks before this is possible.

"That was…."

He doesn't need to complete the sentence. Essek already knew.

And they gravitated towards each-other once more.

#critical role #cr essek #caleb widogast #shadowgast #essek theyless #caleb x essek #This is my first CR fic pls don't judge #I just wanted the wizards to kiss #Almost canon compliant #don't forget to love each other

[songofwizardry]

critical role thoughts time again! damn this arc just keeps on giving us episodes like this huh. spoilers for c2e129 under the cut.

first off AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

shout out to liam for accurately summarising how I felt at the end of the episode: I went in thinking "thank fuck, they got away, they just gotta lie low and get some sleep it'll all be FINE" oops nope never mind

before I get into the actual story and my overload of screaming and emotions about it, more to remind myself than anything else: this stuff is all what *makes* good stories. not-the-most-clever character decisions. fraught moments. having to choose between two really shitty options. tension in extremely unsafe places (and lbr, both the happy fun ball and the fucking plane of fire are objectively v unsafe places! the tension and the fact that neither of those places were safe makes sense!). conflict and guilt and character death. all good story material. soooo yeah these have been very intense episodes, but fuck, these make for some good stories!

first off: the happy fun ball! I always forget how much I loved the episodes we spent in there, it's such an interesting (& terrifying & promising) place

I absolutely LOVED the fact that Yasha could break the door down but it resulted in untethering the rooms from each other. what a brilliant way to keep them moving but also having there be consequences.

the entire imagery of the void and the hallway falling away was so good

... the mighty nein's motto really could be "curiosity before caution", couldn't it. these fuckers, I love them for it

can't believe I was so stressed about the golem I was not prepared for what came next!

team fireplane time!

I was paying lots of attention to Liam's descriptions of Caleb and how he's behaving this episode and look ok he's very good at playing the aftermath of all that traumatic shit with Trent and Vergesson &... my heart ok.

side note: this is more re last episode, but it means a lot to me that Caleb was able to... like, stand his ground and tell Trent to fuck off repeatedly when Trent kept insisting he "just wants to talk", and that the M9 refused to let him go back to Trent, like, that is one abusive and manipulative and extremely honey-tongued man and I did see stuff in twitch chat being like "oh if Caleb had just spoken to Trent this wouldn't have happened" which... nope, it means so much to me that they have settled on "nope fuck this asshole"

Veth's high rolls are so wild I love them, rogues y'all

Matt honestly fucking KILLED it this episode, this really felt like the episode for the families to shine, and Marion, Yeza and Luc all have such strong characters and Matt plays them SO well! I loved every second of it. also I will never not be impressed at Matt managing social situations with multiple npcs.

Luc and Caduceus talking about farts is the adorablest thing, new favourite dynamic

oh boy that combat huh. wow. wtf.

love that Luc tried to shoot the elemental this kid

we're just not gonna talk about everyone's faces when Matt rolled damage for the explosion thing that hit the families, bc I cannot Handle that. it's fine it's all fine

okay but fate just DOES NOT work normally around this game, how tf do you explain those two successive nat 20s from Veth, that was incredible and just. narratively perfect. I loved it I was full on crying at this point.

Cad's hdywtdt was very good

speaking of Cad! this is the first time in a while we've had a revivify! Cad's whole prayer was lovely, and I do like the detail of bugs and moss covering Luc. but mostly I loved the detail of Yeza going up to him and thanking him

the quiet, calm, determination of Yeza Brenatto saying make them pay will stick in my head for a long long time

the sigh of relief I let out when the dome finally went up. my god.

hey hey caleb asked Jester to help him with the collar and it fucking worked, finally, after all these attempts on like the longest of long days when they're all fucking tapped. I was not expecting that! a win!! and he explicitly told her it was for Trent!

look it just. watching Caleb's reaction to Trent coming close to his new family makes me feel things, okay, and the poetic justice of Trent whose manipulative words are as much of a weapon as his magic getting a silencing collar is. pretty fucking delicious.

a lot of the fanfic on the last week has had bits of interaction between Marion and Caleb and I am delighted to see that in canon too!!!

Marion: "if there's one thing I've come to know, it's that the good people are easy to be mislead to think they're at fault for the things the bad people use to victimise them... if they convince us that they're responsible for everything that comes upon us, then they're absolved." man, matt is NOT fucking around

I think these conversations (both Yeza and Marion's) are so important bc after an encounter that harrowing the like... reminder of what you're doing it for, both for the characters AND for the players as like an "it's ok" from the DM is reassuring and needed yknow?

anyway I love Marion so much, her character is just. so excellent, and I love how both her sex work and her agoraphobia are respectfully handled and it's never implied that she's less of a mother for them; and getting a reminder of hey this is a wise and caring and insightful woman who's seen a lot of stuff and hearing her words was just really nice! would like a calm episode where we just get to spend time with her soon pls

loved Liam explicitly saying that Caleb bites his tongue and tries to listen, look how far my boy has come

and Yeza!!! Yeza!!! I cannot have many coherent thoughts about that conversation but I loved how he went full on, this is the firmest I remember him being, saying, "you cannot shoulder the blame for this on your own"

ugh look I love Veth and Yeza's relationship, I love that there is this conflict in their story that doesn't have anything to do with how much or whether they love each other, and I absolutely loved the reminder that Yeza – for all that he is a gentle stay-at-home dad – did get himself mixed up in the assembly business and that Veth dove into the Dynasty to come looking for him. and yeah the image of them cuddling in the dome and talking about the uncertainty of the future and about guilt and blame and the potential end of the world, and still ending with "I love you" is gonna stick in my heart for a while

to zadash!!!

hey at least Jester remembered to send a message. it is entirely ridiculous and kinda adorable that the Gentleman is cleaning up the place for Marion.

okay I think that's all I got, I feel like this is even more rambly than usual. looking forward to some calm?? quiet?? no using up all our spell slots? next episode! also the parent trap

I'm going to sleep now. man this show.

#critical role #cr spoilers #c2e129 #text post #this is just an incoherent jumble ok #but CAN YOU BLAME ME #critical role spoilers

[iatethepomegranate]

Just a fic about Caleb buying a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, and coping with that kind of change and newfound stability (and becoming Professor Widogast). Angst and fluff are at war in this fic.

Content warnings: Panic attacks, Caleb's backstory

Chapter Summary: Yasha, Essek and Caduceus hit the garden. Caleb's meeting with Professor Alphira takes an unexpected turn, leaving him floundering. But the Nein come for him when he needs them, and they help him find his feet. Then they go shopping.

Notes: Chapter title is from "Venus" by Sleeping At Last.

****

Chapter 3: I was a billion little pieces til you pulled me into focus

Yasha got her garden started the next morning, with Essek and Caduceus helping her. Caleb watched them for some time, enjoying the quiet start to the day, before he headed deeper into the centre of the city to meet Alphira.

Caleb had known this coffee shop when it was a smutty bookshop he used to frequent with Astrid and Wulf during their explorations of the city. Alphira was seated by the front window, and waved to him through the glass. Caleb checked his surroundings, not bothering to be subtle about it, and stepped inside. A lute player sat in the corner, playing soft music.

“I have a confession, Mr Widogast,” Alphira said as Caleb pulled out a chair to sit.

He froze, leaning on the back of it. “...ja?”

“Do you remember Professor Bettina Weber?”

“Professor of Transmutation. I remember her.” Caleb had gotten along with her perfectly fine when he was a student, but he had been set on Evocation at the time. And then Trent had gotten his hands on him and ruined any chance of having a good relationship with any teacher at the Academy. “Why do you ask?”

“I mentioned your old name to her,” said Alphira. “She asked to come along. Is that all right?”

Caleb raised an eyebrow, watching Alphira hide her fidgeting hands beneath the table. “You are not a good liar, Professor.”

Alphira sighed. “I apologise. I should have been upfront. We intended to speak with you together, but we were not sure how you would…” She waved her hands around, evidently unable to conjure the remainder of the sentence. “Archmage Beck knows we are meeting, if that helps.”

“This is not the best start to our friendship, Professor.” Caleb forcibly relaxed his shoulders and slid very carefully onto his chair. “Do what you will.”

Alphira pulled a coil of copper wire from the component pouch on her belt and whispered into it. “Bettina, you can come in. He’s not happy, but he hasn’t walked out.”

A few moments passed, and then an older human woman, greyer than Caleb remembered, stepped through the doorway, setting off the bell. She sat in the third seat at the table.

“Guten morgen, Professor,” Caleb said, not bothering to hide the steel in his tone. He did not need to cower before anyone in this city anymore, save perhaps for King Dwendal. He was done tolerating the convoluted bullshit of the Assembly. Today, at least.

“Guten morgen, Bren.” Bettina at least had the grace to look sheepish. “I apologise we were not upfront with you. Ah, I did not check which name you prefer. Bren or Caleb?”

“I don’t mind.” Caleb did mind. More than he usually did. He couldn’t tell whether Bettina’s slip had been intentional or not, and that irritated him.

“Caleb, then.”

Caleb felt a strange wash of relief, not unlike how he had felt when Yudala Fon had come to the same conclusion.

Alphira flagged down a server and each of them ordered a cup of black coffee. “My treat,” she said.

“Danke,” Caleb replied. They sat quietly at a moment, looking at each other, and Caleb’s irritation swelled. “Forgive my impatience, Professors. Why did you ask me here?”

“Soltryce Academy needs a new Professor of Transmutation,” said Alphira. “Bettina intends to retire in a few years.”

“I am not a qualified teacher,” Caleb said. “I have no experience.” Well that was not entirely true; he did have experience teaching individuals. And he had helped Veth with the first iteration of her adventurers’ summer camp. “Well, no experience that a teaching institution would consider of benefit.”

“Archmage Beck put your name forward,” said Bettina. “The other Archmages were quick to agree with her. The Martinet himself wants you on the staff.”

“The Martinet wants a lot of things,” Caleb said flatly. This was too good to be true. It had to be. He could not afford to get his hopes up about this, even as one of his oldest dreams was presented to him on a silver platter.

The coffees arrived. Caleb wrapped his hands around his mug, letting the warmth chase the morning chill from his fingers. Bettina slowly stirred sugar into her coffee, chuckling softly.

“I know he offered you Astrid’s job,” she said. “Not many people say no to him. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.” She looked up from her coffee, smiling at him fondly in a way that sent Caleb into a state of utter confusion and mild panic. “Of the three of you, I would not have expected you to be the one to confound him like that. Well done.”

“I’m not here to fuck around,” Caleb responded, not wholly by design.

“Good. We need more people like you in the Academy.” She was working hard to disarm him, and Caleb was doing all he could to hold on tight to his distrust.

“We don’t want something like Trent Ikithon happening again,” Alphira said. “Archmage Beck is of the mind that you are well-placed to prevent that. Bettina and I are inclined to agree.”

That was a major reason why Caleb had chosen to remain in Rexxentrum, but it did rankle him that it was expected of him, after everything he had already been through. He did not like the bitterness that rose in him. Alphira and Bettina were offering him the power to keep children like him safe like he desperately wanted. And it was unfair to assume they would throw him to the sharks and leave him there.

Caleb took a deep breath and asked, “And where do you two fit in?”

“I have decades of teaching experience,” said Bettina. “My knowledge is at your disposal. I seem to recall you once told me you wanted to teach… when you were fifteen, I think. You were still new to the Academy at the time.” Before Trent got involved went unspoken.

“Did you know what Trent was doing?” Caleb asked. He had to know. He needed more information before Bettina’s persistent kindness wore down his defences and either made him meek or cruel. And if he sensed even the slightest inkling that she had known anything and didn’t lift a finger to help, he would walk out in a heartbeat. There were enough people associated with the Assembly who clearly had some idea and did nothing. He did not need to drink coffee with one of them.

“No,” Bettina replied. “I understand why you needed to ask, and I admit Ikithon always made me uncomfortable, but I genuinely had no idea he was abusing his students.” Her gaze bore into Caleb’s, mouth downturned and eyes sad. “I’m sorry. I wish I could have helped you.”

Caleb had to break eye contact, before he broke instead. He sipped his coffee, with shaky hands, and composed himself.

“We were at his trial,” said Alphira matter-of-factly. Caleb could not express how grateful he was that she kept emotion out of this. “Most of the professors attended. We were shocked, but not exactly surprised. He was always a creepy bastard.”

“We believe Alphira came close to being recruited,” said Bettina, quiet but far less intense than she had been a moment ago. “She’s a talented Evocation wizard. Trent had a few meetings with her parents, but she has a large, close-knit family spread across the Empire.”

“He realised you had too many connections,” Caleb said, and found his voice was steady. “He couldn’t isolate you. Too much time and effort, and he had many other… projects..”

“I believe you are correct,” said Alphira. “I came to the academy just after you had, uh, left. There were rumours about what happened to you, but nobody really knew for sure.”

“I take it the trial cleared that up for you.”

“Ja.” Alphira sighed. “Look. I am sorry I did not handle this meeting better. This is my fault. I wasn’t sure you would come if you knew one of your old teachers would be here. It was wrong of me to take that choice from you.”

Caleb hadn’t survived this long without learning how to get a read on people, and he felt confident he was reading her correctly. She seemed genuinely remorseful. “I will consider the offer.”

“Good,” said Bettina. “Of all my possible replacements, I am most confident you will do the right thing by the students.”

She was laying it on pretty thick, but it emboldened Caleb to speak a few things he had been toying with, in the event he did have an opportunity like this.

“If I were to accept the position, I have a few demands,” said Caleb. “I want the Academy to set up a proper system to report abuse. We also need the staff to be trained how not to abuse their fucking students, as that seems rather difficult for some of them. We need mental health support, and a better system for older or returning students to get an education. Most of all, every student who walks through those doors must be taught the ethics of magic and research, and understand their responsibilities to use their magical and social power responsibly. Most of the staff also need that lesson.”

“We want those things, too,” said Alphira. “We’ll pass them on to Archmage Beck and see what we can do. Unfortunately, we may have to push for some of those for an extended period of time.”

“We will work the ethics lessons into our transmutation classes,” said Bettina. “At this stage, I would suggest ethics remain integrated into pre-existing magic classes so students cannot avoid it. At least until we have established a culture of understanding around these things.”

“Can I count on your help?” Caleb asked. “Both of you?”

“We will help you,” said Alphira. “I would not drag you into this without offering assistance.”

“Danke,” Caleb replied, softer than he had intended. The fact she had thought it a foregone conclusion that he would have their help in this…

Trust was not easy for Caleb. And the trust he had extended had been broken many, many times. This was a lot.

Caleb finished his coffee and bid Bettina and Alphira farewell. And then he ducked behind the coffee shop, leaned against the wall, braced his hands on his knees, and tried very hard not to hyperventilate.

It was not going well. His hands shook as he fumbled for his copper wire, muscle memory kicking in to settle his fingers as he cast Sending. He decided the recipient at the last second. It had to be someone with some knowledge of the city, but most of his friends didn’t know the city that well. But there was one person who walked past here on her way to work.

“Beauregard. It’s Caleb.” He was out of breath, on the verge of hysterics one way or another. “Behind coffee shop. Come get me? Can’t breathe. Brain bullshit. I need you. Please.”

Beauregard’s voice filtered into his mind immediately. “Caleb? Ah, fuck. We’re coming. Hang in there. Don’t move. I’m bringing… lots of us. I don’t know. You’re okay.” She was panting now. “We’re running. Be there soon.”

Twenty-five words exactly. Nice. It distracted Caleb for about half a second, before he couldn’t breathe again.

Maybe if Caleb knew exactly what had sent him into a spiral, he could have handled it on his own. But he genuinely wasn’t sure, and his brain wasn’t working in any helpful way. It could have been any number of things, or maybe all of them at once. All he could do was bend over and try very hard to breathe. It was going poorly.

So on top of everything, he was frustrated, which did not help in the slightest.

Time was liquid. He was aware of its passing, and he could still count the seconds, minutes. He always counted things. It was one of the few things he could do when his brain felt like a handful of broken glass. And even if he lost count of everything else, he could still count time.

He knew it had been five minutes. He wasn’t sure if it felt longer or shorter than that, despite his knowledge of objective reality. His breaths were a little steadier, but not by much. He was still on his feet, but barely.

He felt dizzy.

“Hey, dude.” Beauregard’s face slid between the ground and Caleb’s gaze. “We’re here.”

Caleb’s arm felt like the bones had fallen out, but somehow he managed to grab her shoulder and squeeze. Beauregard put her hand over his, squeezing back. She gently pushed him upright until he rested his head against the brick behind him. He lifted his face to the sky, breathing deeply. It was already easier, knowing she was here.

“Caleb,” came Veth’s voice, hesitant. A small hand laced their fingers together. “What is it? What happened?”

Caleb’s voice game out even huskier than usual. “Not sure.”

“It just happened?”

Caleb nodded.

Veth squeezed his hand. “Can you walk? We’ll get you home.”

“Caduceus is making tea,” came Jester’s voice. “And we’ll give you lots of hugs if you want them.”

“Let’s hold off on that, all right?” said Fjord. “Let him breathe for a bit.”

Caleb dragged his eyes from the sky to take in who exactly had come. Beauregard, Veth, Jester, Fjord, Yasha. Everyone except Caduceus, who had remained behind to make tea, and Essek, who had to make a calculated risk every time he left the house. Caleb was glad he hadn’t come. He would have felt much worse if Essek had put himself in danger over this.

Yasha stepped forward, offering her arm. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

Caleb pushed off the wall, his legs far too wobbly, and leaned on Yasha. They walked home. Fjord took Caleb’s other side, with Jester bouncing ahead as an obvious distraction. Veth and Beauregard stayed closer, just in front of him. Caleb remembered the Nein surrounding him in Castle Ungebroch, trying to shield him from Trent. Remembering that did not help him calm down in the slightest.

He pressed his face against Yasha’s shoulder, trusting her to guide him, until he could compose himself. He loved them. A whole lot. And they showed him every day how much they loved him.

Fjord took his other hand. “You’re all right, Caleb. We got you.”

****

As soon as they were home, Jester made Caleb a blanket nest on the floor and shoved him in it. Then came Caduceus with chamomile tea. Essek emerged from the kitchen behind him, feet firmly on the floor, and sat on the couch behind Caleb, quietly brushing and braiding his hair.

The rest of the Nein sat on the floor around him. Veth wiggled into the blanket nest with him.

“That was one intense cup of coffee,” said Fjord. “How are you feeling?”

Caleb took a tentative sip of the tea; it wasn’t too hot. He took another sip. “Better.”

“What happened in there?’ asked Beau. “Do I have to murder Alphira?”

“Nein.” Caleb worked through half the tea quicker than Caduceus had probably intended for him. “She surprised me. I did not take it well.”

“Surprised you how?” asked Jester. “Was it a good surprise?”

Caleb shrugged. “Probably. She… misjudged. Invited my old Transmutation professor without telling me, until I was already there. Put me on the back foot. I should have handled it better. Thought I did, until after the meeting. Forgot how to breathe. My old professor was… she didn’t know what Trent was doing, and she seemed upset that she couldn’t help us. That was… a lot. I don’t know if that’s the reason I lost it… but I’m sure it didn’t help.” He closed his eyes and Essek gently tugged on the hair at his temples; he liked the feeling. “Beauregard, did you know Soltryce Academy wanted to hire me?”

“WHAT!?” shrieked Jester; Caleb flinched involuntarily. “Sorry, Caleb.”

“Astrid told me she Archmages were really fucking keen on you, yeah,” said Beauregard. “Did they send Alphira to do it?”

“And my old Transmutation professor, ja.”

“Do you like your old professor?”

“She never did anything horrible to me.”

“That’s really not an answer.”

Caleb shrugged. “I didn’t have time to establish a relationship. I wanted to be an Evocation wizard, and then Trent ruined my life.”

“We can still go kill him if you want,” Yasha said, with complete sincerity.

Beauregard swore under her breath. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I should’ve told you.”

“This is not your fault.”

“No, but maybe you would’ve… I don’t know. I feel bad.”

Caleb sighed. Opened his eyes. Stared hard at her until she looked at him. “Beauregard. Shit like this happens sometimes, even when everything is fine. We all know who is responsible. Please be angry at the right people. I trust you. You know how much that means.”

Essek’s fingernails grazed the back of his neck as he pulled Caleb’s hair into a ponytail, and Caleb had to stifle a moan. Even if it wasn’t a sexual moan (this time), the Nein would have too much fun with it. Or maybe he should have let it happen, just to make Beauregard laugh at him. Too late now.

“Oh, Caleb!” said Jester. “Is that your orgasm face?”

“No,” Essek said, with far more certainty than he had likely intended. If he had intended to speak at all.

Beauregard clapped both hands on her mouth to stifle a bark of laughter.

Jester grinned, and Caleb knew she was doing this very much on purpose to lighten the mood. “Oh, I bet you know what his orgasm face looks like, Essek!”

Caleb could almost hear Essek’s eye-roll. Essek calmly tucked Caleb’s two side braids into the ponytail, running his fingers through the ponytail itself to loosen any remaining tangles.

“I appreciate your keen interest in this area, Jester,” Essek said primly. “I am afraid I am not the type to--oh, what is the phrase in common?--kiss and tell.” He paused, but there was something the way he held his breath that indicated he was not nearly finished. “If you wish to find out for yourself, I would recommend you ask him nicely. If Fjord does not mind, of course. Or perhaps you could invite him along. I believe Caleb has experience in that area.”

Caleb knew his face was redder than his hair, because every part of his flashed burning hot. He had never actually told Essek he had a crush on Jester, or that he thought Fjord was hot, and Caleb was pretty fucking certain Essek would not have gone there if he had known. Caleb may have offhandedly mentioned his experience with threesomes, though.

Luckily, the Nein were distracted by Essek making possibly the crassest joke he had made in his life, instead of Caleb blushing so hard his skin was about to start sizzling.

“Holy fuck, dude,” Beauregard breathed.

“Who are you and what have you done with our Essek?” said Veth, waving a crossbow bolt in the air. “Tell us quick: what is your favourite food?”

“Well, I can assure you it is not soup.”

“I knew it! Essek’s an imposter!”

“Caleb, what did you do to him?” said Beauregard. “I know you’ve got some serious game, but what the shit.”

Jester, in the meantime, had collapsed on the floor, cackling uncontrollably at the whole thing. Fjord’s face was in his hands, and the tips of his ears were red. Yasha was snickering quietly. Caduceus calmly poured Caleb more tea.

“What can I say?” Caleb said, pretending he wasn’t burning up from embarrassment. “I’m a wizard magnet.”

Beauregard groaned loudly. “We know, Caleb. We know you’ve fucked more than anyone in this group except me. I hate this. I hate that I know this about you.”

“That is very sad, Beauregard. I was a teenager the last time I was in a serious relationship.”

“Yeah, awkward pubescent Caleb had more game than most of this fully-grown group put together. You’re not helping.”

Jester recovered enough from her laughter to sit up, still snickering. “I bet you were really handsome, Caleb.”

“Of course he was!” Veth screeched. “He’s always handsome.”

“I was a good talker,” said Caleb. “That helped.” He had never shared how he, Astrid and Wulf had come together romantically, and it would definitely kill the mood to tell them it was because they were locked in a freezing cold tower and had to huddle together for warmth. He kept that to himself.

“You’re still a good talker when you want to be,” said Beauregard. “It’s annoying.”

“It’s very impressive,” Yasha added.

“You’re very charming, Cay,” said Veth. “Fjord could learn a thing or two.”

“Fjord does just fine on his own,” Caleb said, because she was starting to exaggerate again. Her faith in him was eternally lovely, but he didn’t like it when it ran the risk of putting others in the Nein down.

Essek kept running his fingers through Caleb’s ponytail and adjusting the braids. There was no practical purpose to it. They both just liked it.

The room settled after the chaos of Essek displaying once again his unique sense of humour: fucking with the Nein. Beauregard crashed the hardest, already looking miserable again.

Caleb threw a cushion at her. “Stop it. I called you for a reason. I am not upset with you.”

Beauregard pressed her hands over the entirety of her face and screamed into them. Caleb threw another cushion. And then he telekinetically pulled them back and threw them at her repeatedly with magic. Childish? Yes. Effective? Also yes.

It was satisfying to watch Beauregard get annoyed and use her monk shit to snatch flying cushions from the air.

“Okay, fine! I don’t feel bad for you anymore!” And she launched herself at him, smacking him repeatedly with the cushions until he curled into a ball and begged for mercy.

****

Caleb was a little tired from his episode earlier, but not so tired that he would dare miss out on furniture shopping when Jester and Caduceus were so excited about it. He trusted them to balance each other out and come up with a good aesthetic after the outfits they had procured for the party in Nicodranas… where they ended up kidnapping a disguised Essek and forcing him to confess his sins. And Beauregard was high on True Sight. What a fucking night that had been.

Beauregard and Fjord headed out to the Cobalt Soul Archive to retrieve Kingsley from Nicodanas; he’d never been to the Rexxentrum markets before. It gave Caleb a few extra minutes to recover, though in truth he was as okay as he was going to be.

Now that he could think clearly again, he was able to dissect what had happened. The shock of seeing Professor Weber after so long, and with little warning, had rattled him from the beginning. And, of course, any talk of Trent ran the risk of triggering him, but then Bettina had expressed more remorse for not helping him than anyone else in the Assembly ever had the grace to do. Ludinus was notoriously full of shit, and Caleb had come to expect that from anyone even tangentially involved with the Assembly (except perhaps Pumat).

Caleb was not used to anyone in that place treating him with simple, unfiltered human compassion. Even Astrid and Wulf were a little detached from the pain they had suffered together, and what they had been through separately. He knew that detachment was a matter of survival for them, and he did not resent them for it.

Bettina’s raw grief for his suffering had affected him far more deeply than he could ever have anticipated.

Essek sat on the couch with Caleb’s head in his lap, playing with the baby hairs that had already escaped his ponytail, while the Nein prepared to head out. “You look tired,” he said softly.

“This morning was a lot. I’ll be all right.”

“Fine, but I am coming with you.”

“Essek.” Caleb had taken this tone with him many times in Aeor. It meant Essek, what the fuck? It had taken a lot for Caleb to say his name like that, given his own notorious lack of impulse control around magic items. Caleb had never gotten his hands on that fucking emerald. He was still bitter about it. But he was finding a new use for the tone, because Essek was normally a cautious person, except when he felt the people he loved needed him. Caleb especially.

“I am safer in a group than I would be here alone.” Essek smiled ruefully. “Besides, I have chosen a disguise already. You should not let my brilliance go to waste.”

“You make a solid argument.”

“I know.” Essek smirked. “You are, however, welcome to tell me how brilliant I am.”

Veth was on the floor nearby, slowly copying a few of Caleb’s first level spells into her own spellbook. “Is this how wizards flirt?”

“The part we do in front of other people, ja,” said Caleb.

Jester, lying on her stomach on the other side of the room, with her sketchbook, piped up. “What about the secret flirting that you don’t let us see?”

“We mostly discuss complex existential matters,” Essek replied.

“And dissect each other’s breakdowns,” Caleb muttered, not entirely meaning to voice it but not trying particularly hard to restrain himself. Well, it was out in the world now. May as well keep digging. “We have a lot of material.”

Yasha popped her head out of the kitchen. “That sounds very intense.”

“Yeah,” said Veth, “I just tell Yeza he has a nice ass and we get down to business.”

“Each to their own,” Essek said mildly, casting prestidigitation on Caleb’s hair to smooth it down after his fussing.

The door flew open, and Caleb sat bolt upright before Kingsley strutted inside in a way that was a little too close to Mollymauk for Caleb to handle in his current state. But he was used to it by now. It didn’t overtake him like it may have months ago.

“I can’t believe you almost went shopping without me,” Kingsley said, his tail swishing to slap Beauregard in the face. She batted it away from her.

“Ugh, we should’ve left you in the smutty book shop where we found you.”

“Find anything good?” asked Jester, taking the words right out of Caleb’s mouth.

Kingsley shrugged. “How the fuck would I know?”

“I would bring you to the one in Rexxentrum and show you,” said Caleb, “but they sadly turned it into a coffee shop.”

“Come on, Caleb,” said Jester. “This city is huge. There has to be another one. Ooh, you could ask Astrid next time you see her!”

Kingsley snickered at that.

“What’s so funny?”

“Astrid. Really.”

“Hey, Caleb’s really into smut,” said Jester. “He had to learn it from somewhere.”

“I am leaving this conversation,” said Caleb, heading for the door. “Are you coming?”

“Maybe if you find me some good smut, Magic Man.” Kingsley’s tail whipped around Caleb’s wrist, just for a second. Every inhabitant of that body had flirted with Caleb at some point. It was familiar, in a way Caleb found more comforting than most of Kingsley’s Molly-like mannerisms.

“Okay, who the fuck taught Kingsley about sex,” Beauregard grumbled as the rest of the Nein filed out of the house.

“He asked,” Fjord replied, his voice shooting up an octave as it did when he panicked.

Veth snorted. “Listen, King. When two people love each other very much…”

“Sometimes more than two,” Caleb added.

“Or sometimes when you love yourself very much,” said Veth.

Kingsley didn’t pay much heed to Veth’s final addition, dancing up to Caleb’s side and giving him an eyebrow. “Oh, that sounds like a story. Any advice?”

“Don’t trauma-bond and end up in a codependent relationship,” Caleb replied. “The sex is not worth it.”

“I mean, Astrid and Wulf are pret-ty hot,” said Jester.

“Ja, like putting your hand in an open flame.”

Beauregard slid up to Caleb’s other side. “Sometimes you worry me, man.”

“I am officially asking Caleb for relationship advice in the future,” said Kingsley. “I don’t know much, but I know I’d rather ask a man who knows what not to do.”

Caleb didn’t know what to say to that, so he circled back to the original topic. “I will ask Wulf about the smut shop next time I see him.” Wulf was just as awkward as Caleb most of the time. He only seemed smooth because he was built like a brick shithouse and had a deep voice. It would be less complicated than trying to ask Astrid. He wasn’t even sure Wulf read smut anymore. Or if Caleb wanted to know something like that about an ex he absolutely should not touch again.

Maybe they could just go to Zadash instead. Avoid the conversation entirely. Next time, maybe.

He kept walking towards the market.

#i'm both simultaneously sorry and not sorry for essek's joke in this chapter because i find it very funny and i don't know why #caleb widogast #critical role #shadowgast #fanfiction #my fics #the pomegranate's professor widogast fic #cr2

[mapleandgingeroatmeal]

CR2E76-Refjorged

HOLY SHIT THIS EPISODE HAD EVERYTHING. WHERE DO I EVEN START?? This is gonna be a long one for sure.

The spontaneous Mead Pong game was so fun. I love how they all just went for that, and Caleb getting a perfect shot only when nobody was watching? Priceless.

They haven’t really done a heist w/ Caduceus. have they? Unless you count boarding that one ship, but I don’t think you can since that wasn’t a stealth thing. It’s weird, but that detail felt like almost a mark of how far the Nein have come already

I’m sure people have written a lot about this (I’d love meta recs if anyone has ‘em), but that makes me think about what may have changed about the m9′s path if Molly had stayed alive. Clay has been such a huge force in pushing the nein to do good in the world, and although he has plenty of his own issues, I think the fact that he believes in everyone’s ability to be good people has really had a huge impact. This may be a Hot Take, maybe I’ll regret this cause idk what Molly fans are like, but I really don’t think the group would have made nearly as much moral and emotional progress w out Caduceus. They would probably be at least a lot closer to crossing over that line into Bad People.

THE BREAD. This is another famous joke that I new existed, but had no context or knowledge for. I was so excited when I heard it come up! Caleb and polymorph is such a delightful combo. The dumb brain really lets him escape his misery I think, and he had such a gleeful face and relaxed posture for that whole scene.

“Last time we did this, you put a sword to my throat”. Whatta callback! Despite how much everything has changed, Fjord and Caleb still have this interesting intensity to their relationship. The moment when they start a mysterious blood ritual and Caleb’s accent confrontation come to mind. I hope we get more in the future about how these two interact in a more casual setting, tbh, because at this point I have a hard time pinning down their dynamic. The trust is definitely there now, and all the Nein obviously love each other, but in many ways it feels almost delicate? Like in the scene from this ep, I think both of them probably reflect on that day thinking they were in the right, even if they’ve moved on. Interesting stuff!

The reactions when Nott murdered that guard were so priceless. Little moments like that are kinda sobering reminders of how broken she is. Since probably the moment that Veth killed that Goblin leader with a vile of acid, she’s led a life that seems to have been very much kill-or-be-killed. Empire people aren’t taught to see Goblins as much more than kill-on-sight monsters, and in a self-defense situation Nott is so small that she would really have only one chance before getting overpowered. It’s upsetting and definitely bad, but I think it makes a lot of sense that her first instinct when panicked is to go for the throat.

Caduceus is truly such a dummy and I love him for it. The man knows two things: Death and People. Nothing else. Strategy? Never heard of her. High-stakes stealth mission with an important decision to make? “it’s always nice to see my friends :)”. 

Whats in the book they stole! We didn’t find out for the entire episode if I’m not mistaken! Caleb just gave to Fjord with some cryptic comments! Wtf kind of book isn’t useful/ interesting to Caleb? This is going to drive me insane.

The pack-rat elf lady wearing Reani’s crown finally was v sweet. She was a character that Matt seemed to hint at a lot of depth for. I wonder if we’ll ever get back to Uthadorn? I’d like to see her again

The dusts are also a bunch of npcs that I kinda wish we’d gotten more time with! The way that Matt had the whole family and their personalities mapped out makes me feel like there was a lot that didn’t get explored there. Clay has a tendency to minimize his own priorities and as much as it’s a neat character choice, I wish it didn’t mean that we see less of the neat stuff around his arc!

Fjord’s dream sequence had me tearing up. Matt’s writing is just so emotionally intelligent and deep. The specification that the Wild Mother can ease the pain but the wound will always be there? That hit me so goddamn hard. I love this character. 

If I think too much about what this sword-collecting arc means for Fjord I’m gonna start crying again. Here’s a guy that grew up unloved, with nobody that ever cared enough to give him anything. He was so recently convinced that the Nein only cared about him while he was useful. And what happens once he looses all utility to the group? They give him magic weapons, and circle around to protect him, and face down a fucking ancient white dragon, all just to get him a gift from the Wild Mother. What does that feel like to a man who’s never ever had a family before? Can he even really recognize the kind of devotion the m9 just displayed? I hope once he has a quiet moment he can do some reflection and appreciate how much he is just unconditionally supported now. I want him to understand that he is loved.

Beau and Reani! I did remember right! They are adorable and everyone’s reaction at the table was priceless. That moment had a neat meta-level feel to it w/ the addition of Mica as a guest character. I could tell she was feeling out if this was a role-play boundary or not, just like Reani was feeling out if Beau was interested. Beau going in for the kiss out of nowhere was also Marisha signaling “yes please bang my hot gay monk”. A perfect ending for a wonderful character!

Jester and Caduceus almost judgy convo was actually fascinating to me, because it kinda highlighted one of my favorite things about Beau in that she breaks the norms arounf sexualy agency that you usually see with female charecters. She’s an action movie protag, casually banging hot ladies and hiring sex workers, and she’s celebrated for it like you would celebrate that behavior in james bond! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a female character that does that before.

I could talk about Caleb and Nott’s conversation here for fucking hours, and I think I’m gonna actually do a whole separate post about it so this doesn’t get too long. Why is every interaction they have just the most poignant beautiful incredible moment ever committed to film?  What did the world do to deserve this? Nothing. We do not deserve them. 

Fjord getting his powers back and celebrating and the callback to Nott turning into a tiny Fjord and Eldritch Blaaaaaaayyyst returning and being wrapped up in seaweed and awkwardly objectified by Jester and Caduceus big goofy grin and all of it was such a joyful, hopeful note to end on! More than ever the Nein are feeling like a family, with all the wonderful messy things that entails, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m going to go watch Nott and Caleb and cry again.

#critical role #cr2e76 #cr catch-up

[c-is-for-circinate]

Let’s talk about Caduceus’s reluctance to talk to and spend time with his family, shall we?

I don’t have a big thesis or conclusion here, although I might run into one as I’m writing.  I can, however, think of several ways this has shown up, and I’m so curious about the implications.

I am thinking about Caleb (was it Caleb? was it Beau?  I feel like it was top table, somene), as the group is about to collapse with exhaustion, suggesting that of course they can shelter the worn-out rescued Clays in the dome, at least, even though they can’t fit everyone.  Ten seconds later Caduceus is volunteering to sleep outside.

I am thinking about the Ball Eater waiting for them in Nicodranas, where it’s been waiting for a week and could easily wait a day longer, and three hotel rooms in Uthodern where the M9 could easily hang out for an afternoon and a night.  They’re out of there in twenty minutes.

I am thinking of the ten years Caduceus spent not sending Messages, not getting them, not asking.  And so much of that was fear of the response buried underneath faith that things were okay, they had to be okay.  So much of it was that.  But maybe not all of it.

Something that really struck me about Caduceus’s interactions with his parents was how very very little he actually told them about what he and the M9 have been through.  Not about being pirates or meeting royalty or weird time things in metal balls that he doesn’t really understand.  Not about coming to a city covered in eternal night and growing a tree and a shrine on a roof draped in tiny-star sunlight, or facing the horrors inflicted by the Chained Oblivion, or even about guiding Fjord towards Melora herself, things he does feel he understands.  Just...he is different, and he has stories to tell, and he will not tell them yet.

And that makes sense for Caduceus on so many different levels.  Of course the Clays are a family that care more about feelings and general understanding than any sort of details about what actually happened.  Of course specific moments and stories aren’t important.

And also I think about Jester and Nott passing through Nicodranas without saying hi, because getting close for a few hours or half a day and then leaving again is just harder.  Everything about Caduceus and the Clays tells me that they’re slow, patient people, that story-telling for them is a thing that takes weeks or months or years instead of hours.  It makes sense, not to start now.

It makes sense not to start in the middle before the story is done.  I think about Caduceus telling his sister, “I don’t know who I am any more,” and it makes sense, I think, that he isn’t ready to start telling this story yet because he doesn’t know, yet, what this story is.  It isn’t finished.  He hasn’t figured it out.  I’ve talked, before, about Caduceus and fate and destiny and random chance, and also about D&D as an exploration of story as the narrative you figure out how to tell after the random things have happened to explain them.  Caduceus doesn’t know how to explain the things that’ve happened to him, he hasn’t found the way to make it all fate and real and right.  So he can’t start explaining it, because he doesn’t know where it goes.  He doesn’t know how.

He can’t talk to his parents, because he doesn’t know how to do that anymore, either.  He tells his sister that he doesn’t know how to tell them he isn’t going home yet, and it’s so familiar, the teenage child nervous about trying to tell their parents something they know they won’t like.  Caduceus finally does tell his parents he’s not going home, and it’s so familiar, the grown young adult telling their parents something they assume they won’t like, and somehow their parents are fine with it, and so supportive, and it almost feels wrong because that’s not how everything is supposed to work.

I am thinking about the Clays and their cloistered home-schooled arrested development, their century-old adult children who tease and prank each other like adolescents and go out into the world in family pairs.  I am thinking about Caduceus out on his own surrounded by only the strange impossible insanity of the Mighty Nein and the even stranger and more impossible insanity of everything else, and he has changed, and...has he realized, entirely, how much more he has seen and experienced than most, maybe any, of his relatives?  He’s been to cities and the sea.  He’s faced dragons and demons and royalty and whole wars, and tried alcohol and heard smutty romance novels and done so much.  It’s so hard, so strange, when you discover how much more you know than the parents who are supposed to be older and smarter and stronger than you.  How much harder and stranger is it for middle-child Caduceus, in this family of siblings who obediently thank him when ordered, like a well-behaved line of ten-year-olds and not grown warriors?

(Nobody could cast Greater Restoration besides Jester and Caduceus, not even after a sleep.  No cleric there is above level 8--and they’re not all clerics, and level 8 isn’t low, but Caduceus passed it and then did a dozen more impossible things since, and...he is more powerful than his parents, now.  Has he realized that?)

(Has he acknowledged it?)

At the end of it all, I want to think about habit and coping mechanisms and growth.  It’s been ten years since Caduceus was in the habit of talking to his family every day.  It’s so easy to lose the knack of it.  It’s so easy to slip back into the knack of it, to prank his sister with a death whistle and then request as a parting gift she do the same to their brother in return.  And he still is that person, but--of course he’s not, either, is he?

I think, it has to be so much, just to be around them again.  It has to be so raw, to the point of this good, wonderful, impossibly-good reunion feeling almost painful with intensity.  And how much more complicated must it feel, for all of that love and emotion and relief (and the horror of what almost happened, and what would have happened if he hadn’t come, and what could have happened, and what did) to also--not be enough, for the person Caduceus had to become.

So he does what Caduceus always, always, always does: he avoids.  He deflects with such ease and innocence that not a single person even says, “hey, don’t you want to spend more time with your family?”.  He slides away before anyone can say or notice a single thing.

(Which must’ve been such a useful coping mechanism in a family full of wise feelings-people who would notice and care about every single emotion--but only if they weren’t distracted by the chaos of your siblings first.)

#CR spoilers #driveby meta attack #I need to start using that tag again #this feels like it deserves it #man I have Thoughts about this tall cow boy-man

[nochiquinn]

campaign 2 episode 128:

continue to not chat on twich

marisha has been given an excuse to tie-dye

I'm already vibrating with anxiety, I'm not gonna make it through the episode

now polymorph him

he can't counterspell you if he's a turtle

caleb's a simple man, he sees trent, he does fire

liam already doesn't know how to do math, this is good

mala: you know what, they should take Trent to fight Lucien

stop magicking at hiiiim veth you have a guuuuun

throw sprinkle at him

"I think we broke dungeons and dragons"

"you have to say counterspell so I can counterspell you"

oh thank god

"holy buttholes"

marisha is just literally sitting on the back of her chair

if anybody remembers when the crowd chant for Adam Page was "cowboy shit", now you know how I say "dope monk shit" in my head

POODLE-'PALERS

hugs :(

trent eat shit and die challenge

go FUCK yourself you manipulative fucking cocksmear

"all you had to do was ask" fall off a cliff and dieeeeee

I want to draw for adhd reasons but also my hands are shaking so bad

trent making new accounts to get around an IP ban

ugHHHH I was worried about thiiiiis

"caleb's not having a good time" LIAM is not having a good time, he's about to pass out

someone make liam hydrate

fjord can feel the cosmos

v e t h

if any one of them gets even a little bit hurt caleb's gonna throw himself off a cliff

mala: Caleb's PTSD: this is why we didnt want friends

jester

one for kima. when they go get her. to come with them.

(I know kima's not coming, let me dream)

yezaaaa

travis doing the very slow dice roll to give laura time to do guidance

baptist ptsd flashbacks

I need this art

caleb's not having a good time

would caleb have bothered trying to appeal to anyone about it before the cobalt soul did right by beau?

caduceus's brain is my brain at all times

oh gross. I hate that. I hate everything about that.

did he make that name up on the spot or does he have a whole Chateau staff rolled up

mala: respectfully (deragatory)

butt facetime

"I miss people. I miss hugs." liam I don't need this

that sounds cozy as fuck

I'm a simple person, laura bailey cries, I cry

yeza speaks, I cry

veth you are selling this very poorly

caleb can't get more than ten feet from his emotional support halfling

"he's dead"

if that child learns magic yeza is going to have a coronary

caleb working to create a generation of wizards without intense emotional trauma

"I don't have a hat"

the SHADE

cad: if we can get down there without using the stairs

beau: am I a joke to you

"to bren" [kill bill sirens]

OH! IT THEY!

themmmmm

I'm gonna be so sad if they're actually evil

I don't want any of this

I mean I'm loving it but also I don't want it

mala: all of Luc's training was for this moment

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA

marion :(

caduceus casts xanax

"information gathering expedition to the astral plane" he's so pretentious, it's a fucking nap

is beau's thing only spoken languages?

caleb's decision-making rights revoked

nobody is allowed to have ideas anymore

this is such a clusterfuck

my giiiiirl

you could see matt choosing violence in real time

Fish Date....2!!

#critical role #spoilers #liveblog #reaction post #crititag

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

I’m Back

I wanted more emotional conversations so if i have to write them myself i will 

anyway i love the brjeaus with all my heart

You can also read it on AO3

----------------

Fjord poked his head around the corner to the kitchen of the Xhorhaus, intending to scan it quickly for his target before moving on to the basement. But inside the kitchen was Beau, poking at one of the mushroom and moss sandwiches Caduceus had left out, one leg crossed on her chair and the other dangling above the ground.

“Beau.” He walked in, double-checking to make sure no one else was around.

“Sup.” Beau glanced up at him and straightened her posture a little, almost imperceptibly. “You like these things?”

She prodded at the sandwich, which did seem to have more mushrooms than usual.

“They’re actually very nice.” Fjord shrugged his shoulders, and Beau regarded him with an incredulous frown.

“Bread isn’t supposed to be pink, Fjord.”

“That’s the moss, actually.” The corner of Fjord’s mouth quirked upwards, and Beau rolled her eyes, pushing off the chair and dropping to the ground. “Are you doing anything right now?”

She paused, looked at him again, impossible to read. He’d thought he’d gotten better at it over time, but these past few days it felt like he had gone back to square one, unable to even guess at what she was thinking.

Well, he had some ideas. None very good.

“I was going to go to my room and have a nap til Caleb and Nott come back.” She finally said, before smirking. “Unless you want another workout.”

“I think this mornings one was wonderful, thanks.” Fjord said quickly. One workout a day was more than enough for him. Beau’s face hardened a little, and he cleared his throat. “I do appreciate them, Beau, really. I’m just not as fit as you yet.”

“True, true. So what do you want?”

“Can’t I have a friendly chat with my friend in our house?” Fjord grinned, and Beau didn’t even bother to hide the suspicion in her look this time.

“What do you want?” She asked dryly.

Fjord dropped the playful lilt to his tone, but kept it light. “I want to talk, Beau. A lot has happened these past couple days.”

She looked away, tilting her body to the side. “What do you want to talk about ?”

“Lots of things.” He glanced around, feeling exposed just standing in the kitchen. “Do you want to go somewhere one of the others won’t walk in on us?”

She didn’t answer at first, before finally exhaling. “I suppose.”

“Come on, I’ll let you snoop in my room.” Fjord teased, his smile growing when Beau’s eyes flickered back to him, obviously interested.

“You ass.” She muttered, but there was no malice to it, and Fjord clapped a hand on her back even though she hunched her shoulders like she was being marched to her own execution.

She still immediately began rummaging through Fjord’s drawers once she got inside, quickly realising there was nothing of interest in any of them.

Fjord left the door ajar, before going to lean up against the wall. Beau noticed, staring at the offered escape route for a moment before narrowing her eyes at him, standing in the middle of the room with her arms folded.

She didn’t say ‘Well?’ but it was implied.

Fjord inhaled slowly, before speaking. “You got what we were trying to say back in the forest, right? In the dome? I mean, we were pretty much all fucked up at that point, but it made sense, right?”

He saw Beau’s face tighten, a hiss of breath escaping her lips. She’d been expecting this kind of questioning at least.

“Yeah, sure.”

He didn’t believe her. He believed that they’d made sense, but he didn’t believe that Beau believed it. Not yet.

“Good.” Fjord pushed off the wall, not taking a step towards her but folding his own arms loosely, keeping his posture casual. “Cause it’s all true. You’re with us, Beau.”

Beau stared at him, looked away, then looked at him again. “What are you going to do, then? When all of this is over?” She gestured vaguely around the room, her arms dropping to her side.

“I don’t follow.” Fjord shrugged, and Beau’s eyebrows knitted together.

“This. The Mighty Nein.”

“Why would it end?”

“Because it will. After the peace talks, after Travelercon, after Caduceus’ family, after the Assembly, after all of it, what will be left?” Beau kept her voice unnervingly steady, and Fjord distantly noticed that there were still zombie guts caked into her hair.

“We’ll still be left, Beau. We’ll make it through all of that.”

“And then what? We won’t have anything to work towards, nothing to keep us together.”

“You don’t know that, Beau.” Fjord took a step forward, feeling a little heartened when Beau didn’t immediately step back. “I know you’re not a fan of destiny, or fate, so why do you think this is so certain?”

Beau’s mouth opened before closing, her lips forming a thin, tight line as her hands curled into fists.

He took the chance and pressed forward, taking another step. “Even if there aren’t any more monsters for us to face or evil witches to hunt down, we’ll still be the Mighty Nein. There’s nowhere else I’d rather go, at least.”

She looked away. “You wouldn’t want to go back to the Menagerie Coast? To Nicodranas? Port Damali? The Balleater, be a captain again?”

“Wouldn’t be nearly as much fun without you guys there. Especially my first mate.” He walked right next to her and poked her in the arm, rewarded with the slightest quirk in the corner of her mouth. “Did you really think we’d just leave you behind once there was nothing else to punch?”

She didn’t answer, and Fjord let the silence hang there for a moment. “I felt the same way. Still do, a bit.”

He exhaled, walking over to his bed and sitting down. Beau turned halfway towards him, looking at her out the corner of her eyes, and he patted down a spot on the bed next to him but she didn’t join him, fixed in the middle of the room.

“I didn’t think I was good enough to fit in any group, so I tried to be someone who did. You guys accepted him. I led you across the ocean for a power trip, and even when I was being an asshole you stuck with me. When I didn’t have anything, you helped me out.”

“That was different-” Beau said quietly, but Fjord shook his head.

“Mm, I don’t think so.” He said, continuing before Beau could retort again. “I lied to all of you since we met and you still kept me around. Beau, we’re never going to leave you behind. Does the Mighty Nein leave their people behind?”

Beau glared at him, folding her arms again, fingers digging into her arms.

“Did you leave Jester, Yasha and I behind when we got kidnapped?”

“No.”

“Did you leave Yasha behind when she got brainwashed?”

“You thought she’d turned evil.” Beau spat at him, and Fjord winced. Yeah, he’d jumped the gun a bit on that one.

“Yeah, I was suspicious. That’s on me and my own issues. But you? Jester? You didn’t give up on her. And when it came down to it, we all fought to get her back.”

“What’s your point?”

“Does the Mighty Nein leave their people behind?”

Another long, heavy silence. And, finally, a quiet, almost resigned voice.

“Not if we can help it.”

“And are you a member of the Mighty Nein?”

This time, Beau groaned. “Yes.”

“Exactly. We love you, we care about you, we’re not gonna let you go if we can help it.” Fjord said. “You’re stuck with us now, congratulations.”

Beau rolled her eyes like a petulant teenager, but after a few moments she walked over and sat down on the bed next to Fjord. He shuffled a little closer, putting an arm around her.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. But if there is some asshole out there writing up a destiny that ends with any of us alone, I’m hunting them down and beating them up. I don’t want a life without any of you close by. Without you close by. Whether you’re next door or a teleportation circle away.”

Beau leaned into his side, appearing as exhausted as she had the previous night, albeit cleaner.

“We love you, Beau, and we’re gonna keep loving you. Forever. That’s a promise, and I have to take that shit seriously now that I’m a paladin.”

There was a stifled snort, and an elbow to his ribs that hurt a little more than Fjord was willing to ever admit. “I am serious about that. And I can keep saying it until you believe me.”

“Alright, alright, I get it.” Beau sighed, pulling her legs up onto the bed. He pressed the side of his jaw to the top of her head, feeling her fingers brush up against the hand that was around her shoulders.  “Okay.”

He heard her breath out slowly, deeply, like the first exhale after calming down from an intense battle. It had been a long few days.

#critical role #cr spoilers #my fanfic #beauregard lionett #fjord #brjeaus #i would die for them

[flowercoasts]

no grave can hold my body down (1/1)

words: 1.3k

summary: 

“Beau?” “Yeah, Jester?” “What… What do you think is on the other side?” 

Beau goes down in battle and Jester rages.

notes: so i started this ficlet a year ago and completely forgot to finish it rip. ANYWAYS IMAGINE IF JESTER TOOK A LEVEL IN BARBARIAN

READ ON AO3  or

“Beau?”

“Yeah, Jester?”

“What… What do you think is on the other side?”

“Beau!” Jester watches with wide eyes and shaky hands as Beau takes a hit from the sword clutched in the hand of the giant. It cuts down her front until all Jester can see is the bloody red ribbons cutting through the air and then -

Beau stares ahead blankly and smiles at Jester. The giant swings again, and Beau isn’t smiling anymore. Her body flies back from the force of the blow, and she slams against the stone cavern wall and crumples to the ground, unmoving.

Jester’s hand instantly comes up to cover her mouth, tears filling her eyes as she stares at the blood pooling on the floor.

She hears shuffling, and tears her eyes away just long enough to see the giant swinging it’s sword in her direction.

“I don’t know Jester… I never really thought about it.”

“Really?”

“I mean, yeah, we’ve come close a few times but I don’t like to think about it, I guess? If we’re there, we’re there.”

Jester ducks at the last second, the giant’s sharpened blade connecting with the stalagmite behind her - where her head was just a moment before.

Her eyes flash with anger, filling completely black, and she yells in infernal at the giant towering over her, fangs extended and hand raised. Jester’s tail wildly thrashes, and her chest swells with a deep anger. The air around Jester and the giant goes cold as the moisture in the air freezes to form ice shards that pierce into the giant, who stumbles back a foot in surprise.

The giant roars angrily at Jester.

Jester roars back, fangs sharp in the dim firelight.

“... Where do you think Molly went?”

“Somewhere nice, probably surrounded by naked people and drugs.”

“Beau.”

Jester advances, hands outstretched and magic flowing up and down her arms. She radiates faintly with green energy as she pulls her fingers into a complicated pattern, releasing a bright burning blue streak of energy that slams into the giant with the force of a tidal wave.

It stumbles and topples over, crashing down onto the stone floor with an earthquake-like rumble. The stones crack from his weight and Jester snarls, feeling unhinged and letting her rage consume her for the first time in her life.

She readies herself for another blast.

“He’s somewhere… Molly’s somewhere. I dunno, maybe there is a place up there or whatever. If there is, he would be there.”

“I think he is. He’s totally hanging out with the Traveler right now.”

“I think he would like that.”

The giant groans, reaching around blindly for the broadsword that clattered out of it’s hand when it fell.

Nothing exists outside of this moment to Jester. Her vision focuses entirely on the giant, the image of Beau falling to the floor playing in a loop in her mind, forever ingrained in her mind. The burning anger fuels her. It feeds the wave of red hot burn that threatens to drown her. In that moment, Jester wants that giant to pay.

She grins, teeth sharp and full of malice. For once, the giant actually seems afraid. Jester aims her magical blast at his head.

“Jester?”

“Yeah, Beau?”

“I was lying, earlier.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m - wait, what? You knew? Am I that transparent?”

“No, I’m just super good at reading you Beau. Best friends, remember?”

“Uh, yeah.”

The magic courses through her, thrumming in her veins. This one is different than her usual bursts of magic, not that Jester’s paying attention to that detail at the moment. Still, her magic flares blood red for a moment before settling back into its usual deep green, though still devoid of its usual sparkles.

Jester screams as she blasts clean through the giant’s head, letting out all of her rage, her anger, still coiled deep below her gut.

The giant’s outstretched hand falls to the floor with a heavy thud, limp and unmoving. Stepping forward with her axe, Jester snarls at the corpse, still wound tight with all the emotions drumming through her head like a warzone.

“What did you want to tell me?”

“I think it’s just dark. On the other side. I’m not sure there is anything. I mean, I hope there is. I really fucking hope there is.”

“... I hope we don’t have to find out, Beau.”

“We won’t.”

A hand claps down suddenly on her shoulder. Jester whirls around, axe at the ready and fangs glinting sharp and dangerous.

Fjord stumbles back to avoid the swipe of her axe, his eyes wide with alarm and a little bit of fear. Dimly, Jester registers her own fully black eyes reflected in the yellow of Fjord’s irises, but the blood rushing through her ears makes it hard to focus on anything but the rage.

He looks hurt and a little scared. Jester can’t quite tell if he’s scared of her or for -

Beau.

Jester follows Fjord’s pointed look towards Beau’s still unmoving body where Nott, Caleb, and Yasha crowd around Caduceus, who has his hands full of diamonds and placed on Beau’s chest.

The axe falls out of her hand, and Jester stumbles towards Beau - that red angry something still screams in her head but it’s overridden by the fear that crawls up her throat.

“Beau?”

“Yeah?”

“Um. Nevermind. Goodnight Beau.”

“Night, Jes.”

Beau’s body is still limp and unnaturally pale by the time Jester makes it over to her. Heartbeat pounding in her ears, Jester falls to her knees and gathers Beau’s body in her arms, desperately trying to ignore the blood that stains her hands and clothes.

Around Caduceus’ hands, still upturned on Beau’s chest, green magic swirls through the handful of diamonds in his palm. Jester watches through tears as the diamonds slowly dissipate into green powder, and the soft breeze that flows through the cavern ruffles Jester’s bangs and the loose hairs from Beau’s bun.

Jester presses her forehead to Beau’s and prays.

“... Hey, Beau?”

“Mmhm? ”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The world slows and dissolves into the slow spread of the seconds that Jester waits for Beau’s eyes to open. Her blood pumps more intensely, arms clutching tightly onto Beau’s lean frame as if to will the life back into her. Jester feels too taut and spread thin, her own insides turned upside down while tears continue to stream down her cheeks.

Behind her, Jester can feel the weighted presence of everyone else, their own worry bleeding into hers, amplifying everything to a sensitive point.

It feels like a million years when Beau finally stirs, groaning awake as her familiar blue eyes flutter open tiredly. Jester realizes at that moment that she was holding her breath, and sucks in a gulp of air desperately.

Beau grunts when Jester pulls the monk tight to her chest, tears dampening the already wet blue fabric of her expositor robes. The sobs get caught halfway through her throat as Jester’s anger simmers down to immeasurable relief, immense love.

“Hey, Jes,” Beau rasps, bringing her arms up tight around Jester’s shoulders.

In a collective wave, the rest of the Nein pile in on the hug, arms over arms and a shared warmth sealing them tight together. Beau groans, but a smile blooms on her face.

Jester leans back, tears drying on her cheeks, to find Beau’s blue eyes staring directly at her.

Something crashes over Jester then, something similar to the way she felt when Beau fell. It’s just as big and unfathomable, but this time, there’s no lingering anger. There’s no blood rushing in her ears and her vision tunneling down to a single point.

There’s only Beau.

Jester presses her forehead to Beau’s and they share a warm smile.

#beaujester #critical role #ficlet #fanfiction #cr fanfiction #my writing #elena talks #anyways edited in like 5 minutes but I Have Been Thinking About this For A Year.

[disasterhumans]

All the posts about Nott, Caleb, and Beau flying around this morning have me thinking more generally about the growth and development we’ve seen from various characters throughout the entire group. I think in some ways Beau and Caleb are both the most different now than they were at the start of the campaign. Beau actually softens to people pretty easily, but she’s gone from person with a lot of self-professed moral apathy, to one of the only people in the group with a moral framework she consistently works at, and reminds the others of. She’s also worked really hard both to open up to the group (even if she still has to do it on a one-on-one basis for now), and to be someone dependable that people can come to with their own baggage. She’s gone from broadly being considered a liar, to genuinely being one of the most trustworthy members of the group. Caleb has gone from being incredibly self-centered and ready to leave the group at the moment, to the person to most frequently call the group a family. His selfishness hasn’t disappeared by any means, but it is far more often subsumed into the needs of the group, and he will sacrifice his own desires in order to further the wellbeing of the group. He’s gone from being extremely withdrawn and tight-lipped about himself, to being the most open and vulnerable member of the group.

But it’s really interesting to think about how Beau and Caleb both got to that point. Because while it definitely took time for them both to get where they are, it also didn’t quite happen organically. Caleb—at various turns—has been pushed into his openness and vulnerability. First with Beau in episode 18, but also by Nott in episode 27 (where she tries to get him to admit he loves the group), and again by Nott in episode 48. The confrontation between Nott and the rest of the group in episode 13 also contributed to a lot of Caleb’s early changes in how he interacted with the group. Without those big, specific moments (and also a lot of tense Team Human conversations along the way), I don’t think we’d have the Caleb we do right now. I imagine/hope Caleb would have slowly come to a similar place of loving and caring for the group so intensely, but without the big moments where he was challenged and backed into a corner, I don’t know if he would have ended up as open as he’s starting to be.

Beau, meanwhile, had her foundational sense-of-self rocked to its core by Molly’s death. She walked away from her conversation with Molly in episode 26 realizing just how much she’s willingly caused other people harm, and then after he died she made a strong executive decision to change that. As with Caleb, I think that she naturally would have ended up at that point on her own. Beau has always been good at apologizing, has always sought to seek self-improvement, and has always actively listened to the people around her when they offer constructive criticism. But I don’t know if she would have adopted such a strident moral code without Molly’s death. Not a quotable one, at least. Not one that she uses as an overt guide when she’s not sure what to do. And likely not one that she would consistently repeat to a group as a whole. That big moment propelled what might have been natural development further a lot faster.

Yasha also fits this pattern—it’s a bit harder to track her development due to Ashley’s absences (curse you, Blindspot), but she’s gone from being flighty and avoiding forming interpersonal bonds to sharing her story more-or-less willingly with the whole group. This happened after a couple very intense Stormlord-induced confrontations that forced her to acknowledge the strength her friends lend her. It has forced her to confront her feelings and fear about loss head-on.

But the big moments Fjord, Jester, and Nott have experienced haven’t quite cut into the crux of their personal flaws in the same way. And the three of them all have very similar flaws. Namely, they’re to people in the group most likely to lie, deflect, and obfuscate their feelings. I think Fjord started working through exactly what he wants (at least as far as his pact is concerned) during the Pirate Arc, but so much of the circumstances of that arc forced him to lie about how he was feeling (e.g. with Avantika), and deflect. This is especially true given he was predominantly experiencing a lot of uncertainty during that time. Fjord likes looking like he has his shit together, and so many of the big scary things that have happened with him have happened out of sight of the group. In the recent past he’s been getting better at opening up to Caduceus, but even this is because Caduceus has seen the aftermath of his dreams, and because there’s now a tie between them that plays into Fjord’s god-curiosity. I’m hoping this will grow into Fjord being more open with the rest of the group, especially now that Caleb has also confronted him, but this all remains up in the air.

And while it’s not as though no one has asked Jester how she’s doing, or talked to her about her tendency to obfuscate her feelings of sadness, she also hasn’t really been pushed. When she’s feeling distraught and questioning her faith after the Iron Shepherds Arc, the Traveler reassures her, but also does so by directly referencing her joy. Aside from her conversation with Beau after the blue dragon fight, there hasn’t been a huge external moment that challenged the way she hides behind her happiness. 

Nott’s big moments have also prompted her to double down on the ways she deflects and obfuscates. Nott deflects to cope—she has a hard time dealing with big emotions, so she plays them off. Nott was moved and clearly deeply affected by Molly’s death, but it didn’t get at one of her flaws in the same way it did with Beau. Nott has never had trouble admitting to loving or caring for others. Discovering Yeza had been captured prompts her to reveal her backstory to the group, but unlike with Caleb, keeping her past secret wasn’t really the thing holding her back with the group. Her biggest thing has always been that she tends not to be honest about herself in a more fundamental sense. The group certainly knows more of her and her complexity now, and being in Xhorhas has made her more comfortable with some aspects of herself, but she’s still not really being open and honest about her fears. She’s tried with Caleb, but she’s also in a place where she just wants him to fix it, more than trying to have a conversation about what her specific fears are and trying to have an actual conversation about that. 

And another problem, is that while Caleb and Beau are starting to get pretty good at interpersonal conversations—especially with each other—they are both also people inclined to deflecting and holding back. When someone comes to them they are good at having an open conversation. They’re both—especially Beau—getting pretty good at checking in with people. But they’re both also likely to let someone to deflect, or to wait for someone to return to them instead of following up on a difficult conversation. In some ways that’s good—I think it would be more of a detriment than anything for Caleb to try to push Fjord again—but in others it means that everyone is generally keeping up with their typical patterns.

And then there’s Caduceus, who falls outside of this in a lot of ways, but who also has his own trouble opening up. Part of Caduceus’ thing is that he is almost too easily comforted by the concept of destiny. I’m really genuinely happy that he’s not experiencing any trauma over literally dying. But the extent to which the Wildmother’s vision comforted him means that we also lost out on what might have been a productive conversation between him and Nott. Jester comforting him during the Pirate Arc was important and sweet, but it also meant we didn’t get much of an idea of what Caduceus wants from the group. The fact that Caduceus—for whatever reason—seems to be reluctant to open up to the group means that even while he is an important steadying and nurturing presence in the group, he feels at a remove from the rest of them in a lot of ways. And while his judgy-streak isn’t overt in exactly the same ways as Molly’s or Percy’s, he tends to carry himself in a way that can make him come across as a kind of moral authority that I imagine might make it difficult for people to feel like they can come to him with the uglier bits of themselves.

Every week we’re all exhorting the group to just talk to each other, but even when they try to, they’re all so frequently lying and deflecting—and believing each other’s lies and deflection. And I’m so fascinated by how everyone’s gotten to the places they are at, and where they’ll all go from this point on. As always, I hope that this bout in the tomb will prompt a larger group talk with Nott, but I’m nervous that it will take something in the drastic range of, say, Nott’s recklessness killing her or a (different) party member before that happens.

#critical role #cr meta #m9 #i was originally gonna work on fic today but i guess i'm just rambling about the m9 and character development now #a lot of this is just me trying to work through what's rattling around in my head so sorry for the rambliness

[princessamericachavez]

sunlight | fjorester

Fjord goes to Jester after his last nightmare.

They have been staying in this new house for three days only but some things are beginning to feel like routine: Beau uses the training room before anyone else is awake and then greets them for breakfast, Caleb stays up in the library until ungodly hours, the house fills with the smell of tea every afternoon and the room to Jester’s room is always wide open. Fjord thinks it makes sense since she picked a spot high in a tower where no one usually passes by anyway, but there is something else about the gesture that seems oddly fitting to him. Still, he always tries to knock when he comes by to summon her for dinner or a group meeting, trying to respect her privacy.

Not today, though. Today, his knuckles stop inches shy from the door frame and he freezes there, looking at her. It’s not like he’s purposely spying on her, and it definitely has nothing to do with how pretty she looks with paint smudged on her face and the soft morning sun that comes in through her big windows framing her figure (today is one of the odd days that the Kyrnn allow light to reach the city, later they will go join their celebration of the Luxon to learn more about it), or because she just looks pretty like this. It’s not that at all, really. He just- He just doesn’t want to interrupt. 

She’s clearly busy, buzzing around from one wall to another, adding images to her new spaces, making it her own as she does with every room she steps into. She’s talking, too, chatting cheerfully with her god despite no one else being in the room. He’s only caught her talking to the Traveler a couple times before, this feels different. Fjord can’t quite put into words what it is about the whole scene that strikes a chord in him —that feels so different like he’s witnessing something no one else has had the privilege of seeing before. So he just leans against the doorframe and lets his eyes follow her around, as a fond smile tugs at his lips.

“Yes, yes, this will look so great, you’re gonna love it!” Jester says as she jumps over the bed to reach the opposite wall of the room. “I mean, I know we are probably not going to stay here, like, forever, you know? Because we have so many other things to do, but it’s kinda cool that we have a house again, don’t you think? And you can come to visit me more often and it will be just like old times. Well, almost, but better because we have more friends now. And also- oh, hi, Fjord!”

A smile shines across Jester’s face when her eyes land on him. He wonders if he should tell her about the strike of yellow across her cheek, but it looks nice on her so he decides against it.

“Have you been watching me paint?” She asks, tilting her head, and he could almost swear she sounds excited by the idea of him staring at her.

“No. I-I mean, yeah, but I just didn’t wanna interrupt,” he fumbles a little. “It was just for a couple minutes, really, not like I was trying to creep or anything, just-”

“It’s okay if you were,” she cuts him off, and he thinks she sounds breathless. Her eyes meet his for a longer moment than usual before a playful smirk takes over her features. “Though that wall was still fresh so you probably got your armor dirty.”

“What?” Fjord straightens and sees a pink smudge where his shoulder pad was touching the wall. “Oh, fuck.”

“You look like Caduceus, now,” Jester giggles.

Fjord rolls his eyes but can’t help but laugh with her.

“Did you want to see me?”

“Uh, yes, actually,” Fjord’s expression sobers up entirely as he remembers the reason for his coming here in the first place. “I was hoping we could have a word, in private.”

“Oh?” Jester, still smiling, wiggles her eyebrows at him. “You wanted to have a talk with me in my room all alone?”

He can feel his face burn at the implied suggestion in her tone. “Y-yeah, I guess. Or anywhere else really. I just- it’s something important.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jester skips towards him, pulls him in with that unbelievable strength of hers, and closes the door shut. For a second, Fjord panics wondering if she might’ve gotten the wrong idea about his visit, but she only guides him towards a small table by the window and makes him sit down. “So, is this a secret?”

“Yeah, it is,” he nods, gathering courage. “I- I had another nightmare, the other day.”

“You had a new wet dream?!” 

Fjord closes his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh. There we go again with the jokes. He should really be used to it by now with her. When he opens his eyes again, though, Jester’s face is scrunched up into a frown. When she speaks, her voice is unusually quiet.

“Did he- did he kill you again in your dream?”

Fjord nods. “Drowned me,” he deadpans and keeps the more gory details for himself because Jester doesn’t need to worry about that more than necessary.

“Maybe we can talk with Mister Clay about giving you some special sleeping tea,” she says quickly. “Or maybe Caleb or Nott have a spell against bad dreams? Or we could try to make like, something that keeps him out of your head? Maybe like a lead hat, like the box where we were keeping the Luxon thingy?”

He shakes his head through all of her ideas but lets her go on until she runs out of them.

“Thanks, Jester, but it’s not the dreams I’m worried about. It’s what happened after.”

“What... what happened after?” Jester leans over the table slightly, face twist with so much worry that he almost bails. Almost. But this is Jester, and not once has she judged him or made him feel like the sad little lost boy that he still feels like some days. She watches him intently and any lies his silver tongue might have woven melt away on the spot.

“I woke up and my sword was out on the floor. I couldn’t poof it back in or out like usual, and I- I didn’t have my powers. Nothing. Nada.”

He can see horror spread through her face.

“Oh, no, Fjord! Did you lose your magic?!”

“For a while, but it’s back now, I think,” he says, and invokes some eldritch energy to his hand to reassure her. To reassure himself. “But I don’t know how long it’ll last. If I don’t do what he wants, I think Uk’otoa can just take it all away, leave me with nothing.”

“So... do you want to open the third temple?” Jester asks.

Fjord is taken aback by her suggestion. He hasn’t even considered the possibility, knows all too well what is at risk and even in his worst moments of panic he wouldn’t trade the world’s safety for his hearts deepest desires. What shocks him is the way that she asks, honestly, and that he can read clear as day in her eyes that she would do it, she would come with him and doom the world if he asked. The realization almost terrifies him, but he can’t tell if it’s the possibility of them ending the world or the unmeasurable size of her loyalty.

“No, Jester,” he rolls his eyes as if she’d said something ridiculous. “I’m not going to end the world to save my powers.”

Her shoulders relax.

“That’s good... but what are we going to do, then, Fjord? I mean, technically, I guess, if you run out of magic you could learn how to fight. Like, Beau and Yasha don’t really have magic, you know? And Nott, does, a little, but she also uses a lot of her bows and stuff. Or maybe you could learn new magic! Like Caleb’s! Or maybe you can find a different god or-”

“Jester,” this time he cuts her off, voice heavy and resigned to reality, “I can’t do that to y’all. Without my powers I’m- I’m just a sailor. That’s it. I would be a liability, put y’all at risk. I’d just get in the way.”

“Fjord!” Jester drags his name and he pauses when he recognizes a dash of indignation in her tone. Her hand reaches out and grabs his over the table, blue paint-covered fingers squeezing his with reassurance. He looks down at their intertwined hands, and back at her. Her violet eyes are firm and her expression gentle. “You are our friend! We are not going to just leave you somewhere because you have a little problem with your god. And we don’t hang out together just because we can kick ass, even though that’s pretty darn cool, really. We are a family, right? We are the Mighty Nein! And you are one of us, powers or not.”

Fjord can feel hot tears knotting in his throat, choking out his voice. He can feel the fear that has been eating at his heart for the past three days twist inside him. He’s not worthy of her trust, of these friends, of this place. Anything he has he owes to the powers of a capricious god that could take it all away in a blink. As his mask falls apart and his face decomposes, he ducks his head to hide the emotions burning through him.

All he sees now is Jester’s hand covering his. He turns inside her grasp to hold on to her too and she responds with a squeeze.

“We’ll figure it out,” she says. “I promise, okay?”

He nods, still not looking up.

“I’ll ask the Traveler about it, too. He’s a god, right? So he probably knows a lot about this kind of stuff, probably, or maybe he could help you somehow.”

“I’d appreciate that,” he admits. He’s still unsure about her deity, but at this point, nothing could be worse than the tightrope he’s walking with his own.

It’s the second time she asks her god to intercede for him, too. Something about it, about her going to her own god for his sake, warms him... and having seen the miracles she can perform with the Traveler’s help, he’s not about to reject any kind of help.

“Jester,” he says, unsure of how long he’s been silent, “would you mind not-”

“Not telling the others?” She says at the same time.

Fjord finally looks up and finds her looking at him intensely, one eyebrow arched. He nods.

“Sure, Fjord... though I’m sure they would want to help too.”

“I don’t want to worry them for now. Not until I know more about this, at least.”

“Okay,” Jester whispers with a smile tainted by sadness.

“Thank you, Jester.”

“Of course, Fjord. Thank you for telling me.”

“I’ll- I’ll let you get back to your painting. Your room is looking great, by the way. It’s very nice.”

“Thanks!” She cheers up. “I could also paint your room later, if you want! I could add a lot of seamen and swords and balls to it!”

He barks a laugh, standing up. She’s messing with him, he knows it, and appreciates it —if anything because it breaks the tension that’s been building inside him through this whole conversation.

“Tell you what, I’ll think about it and I might take you up on your offer,” he chuckles. He’s mostly kidding, but part of him thinks it might be harder to wake up terrified of his god if Jester’s mark is all around his bedroom when he does.

He waves a quick goodbye and makes his way out of the room. As he opens the door,  Jester calls for him one more time.

“Fjord!”

He turns around to look at her. She’s standing in the middle of the room as if she’d been about to follow him out and stopped midway through.

“Everything will be alright,” she says, “I promise.”

She gives him a reassuring smile. Fjord takes it all in, the sunflower-yellow smudge across her left cheek, the confidence in her voice, the brightness of the room bathing her with sunlight, and he believes her. The horror clawing at his heart disappears like the shadows of the Xhorhasian eternal night did this morning under the power of the sun. It feels like he’s filled with clear blue skies and hope again. He trusts Jester Lavorre more than anyone in this world, after all. If she says things will turn out okay, he believes her wholeheartedly.

#fjorester #critical role #fjord #jester lavorre #sofia's nonsense #cr spoilers

[thewriterofmanythings]

Dance with Me

Day 1 of Widojest Week-Dance

Caleb gets the chance to dance with Jester again, but this time he's much more sober.

Hello there! This is my first Critical Role fic and I’m so excited it got to be this amazing ship. You can also find me on AO3. Super huge shoutout to @3fling for being my beta reader and overall just an amazing and supportive person. Please enjoy!

“Caleb! That’s your third glass! Slow down!”

Caleb nearly choked on his wine as his goblin friend’s shrill voice tore through his reverie. Nott was looking at him with a stern frown on his face, hands on her hips. Her husband was next to her at the table, examining each piece of the Xorhasian food before shoveling it into his mouth. He wished in this moment that Yeza had been placed between them as he felt Nott’s large yellow eyes burrowing into his skull.

“Ya, sorry Nott. I’m in my head too much tonight. I won’t have any more to drink,” he said, using his napkin to clean up what he had spilled after being startled.

“You’d better! We all promised Jester we wouldn’t get too drunk so we could enjoy the night, and if I can uphold that end of the bargain so can you!”

Nott shoved her little hand into Caleb’s face where the small dick was drawn in Jester’s paint. She had drawn them on each of the Mighty Nein’s non-dominant hands as a sort of “pact” that they would all stay relatively sober through the night.

“This night is going to be so fun you guys!” she had said while painting Beau’s hand. Beau had been first in line, with Fjord the most reluctant. “We’ll get to daaance, and wear pretty ouuuutfits, and maybe fliiirt a little…” Jester had then wiggled her eyebrows as she made eye contact with everyone in the room.

“Ya, ya I remember,” Caleb said, his cheeks showing a little color. “I’ll be fine and I will not drink any more… for Jester.”

“Good,” Nott said, before proceeding to frantically upend a bowl of small Xorhasian fruits into her mouth. Yeza looked on with a mix of wonder and pride, totally oblivious to anything else going on in the room.

Caleb glanced around what could best be described as some sort of grand hall. The architecture was just as beautiful and ethereal as everything else in the Bright Queen’s presence had been so far. The light was dim, reflecting off the crystals in the ceiling and metallic accents on the guests’ clothes. Kryn celebrations were much more subdued than many of the parties the Nein had attended on their journey, particularly from Hupperdook.

He caught a glimpse of Beau and Yasha, both wearing gorgeous robes gifted to them by the Kryn. Caduceus appeared to be engaged in an intense discussion with a drow gentleman in glasses, who seemed quite fascinated by a beetle perched on the firebolg’s shoulder. Jester on the other hand, was spinning wildly around the room with Fjord in tow. Fjord’s complexion felt even greener than normal, and after a few more spins he removed himself from Jester’s grasp and quickly ran out of the room with one hand to his mouth.

Caleb couldn’t help but smirk a little at this display. It didn’t matter how confident, how serene, how pitiful you were or pretended to be-Jester was a cure-all. She knew the quickest way to get to your heart, to break through your façade. No one, least of all the rest of the Mighty Nein, was safe from her charms.

“Ooooh, Cayyleb..” he heard come up from behind him.

“Hullo Jester. Having a good time, ya?”

“I’m having a wonderful time, Caleb, thank you for asking! And youuu??” Jester smiled at him, her head tilted mischeviously.

“It is very enjoyable to be sure.”

“I think I know what would make it beeetterrrr…” Jester said, resting her chin on his shoulder.

Caleb felt heat rise in his cheeks at the sudden closeness of Jester’s face to his. “And what would that be?”

“A dance of course!”

“I- I don’t know about that Jester. I think you could find a better partner than me…”

“Oh my gosh Caleb you’re so silly. You are such a good dancer! Remember when we danced in Hupperdook? And you were toootally drunk then! So you should be a better dance when you’re… well, less drunk anyways.” Jester wrinkled her nose at the hint of alcohol on his breath and pulled away.

Caleb let out a sigh he didn’t realize he had been holding in and shook his head. “Nein, Jester. You should go see if Fjord is done puking his innards out.”

“Oh pleaaaaase Cayleeeb, pleaaase…” Jester pouted her lips and batted her eyes at him, and he felt the wall around his heart crack yet again. He had no idea how she could do it, but this was his weakness-she was his weakness. Jester could get through even the most stubborn moments, the most irritating ones, and while it absolutely terrified him he was also incredibly grateful at the same time.

“Alright, if you insist,” Caleb said, taking one last sip of his wine before standing up. Jester squealed and clapped before grabbing Caleb’s hand and dragging him onto the dance floor.

Before he knew what was happening, Caleb was in the midst of a sea of moving bodies, turning and shifting to the tune of the gentle music playing throughout the room. Jester had grabbed one hand and placed it on her waist while taking the other in her own hand. Time seemed to slow and yet Caleb was so excruciatingly aware of what was happening around him.

When he had danced with Jester in Hupperdook he had been aware of what was happening, but here, with his senses only slightly dulled by the alcohol, everything was hitting him. He felt the soft satin of the silver gown Jester was wearing, the suddenly deafening sound of the violin, the glint of purple in her beautiful blue eyes, the heat of her body close to his…

“Caleb…” Jester asked softly, breaking him out of his sensory trance.

“Ya, Blueberry?”

“Thank you for always being there for me.” He could sense a bit of a tremble in her voice and she refused to meet his eyes. “Sometimes I get so lonely being away from Mama but you always make me feel better.”

“I’m glad to help Jester. You… deserve to feel safe… comfortable…” Caleb could barely get the words out of his throat. Jester was such a large personality that seeing her feel small like this made him feel… upset? Angry? Protective? There was a small fire burning inside of his chest at the thought of Jester feeling upset and he forced himself to swallow, to take a deep breath and ignore the emotions bubbling up to the surface.

“You’re a good man Caleb, I hope you know that,” Jester said. Without warning, she rested her head against his chest.

Caleb took a deep breath, hoping to calm his heart which had suddenly begun to pound furiously. He adjusted his hand around her waist, holding her close so she would feel safe. “And you are a wonderful woman, Jester Lavorre.” Caleb kissed the top of her head and gently swayed with her, determined to hold her until she was ready to let go, even if it was for the rest of her life.

#widojestweek #widojest #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #critical role

[critical-analysis]

Trust and the Mighty Nein

The big theme of this week's episode of Critical Role seemed to be trust. We started out with the Mighty Nein agreeing that they couldn't go it alone in the way they have been and that they needed to put their trust in a people and be honest in their search for help with their problems. And we saw them doing that, first with Essek, then in their decision to consult Yussa and their immediate trust of Allura.

The Mighty Nein has, for awhile now, been very selective with where they put their trust, playing things close to the vest and not really ever trusting anyone with all the information of what they know, what they’e done, and what their goals are. They’re turning a corner now, as a bunch of stressful disappointments have left them in need of a new way of doing things, as well as in need of someone else to help carry the weight a bit.

Their trust issues don’t come from nowhere. As a group, they’ve experienced a number of difficult experiences that, while strengthening the bonds between them as a group, has also made them somewhat insular, with an anxiety about letting in outsides. Individual members of the group also have their own experiences in their backstory that have a huge impact on their ability to trust.

This unwillingness to trust other people hasn't always been quite as present as it is now. While they took a very long time to come to fully trust each other, earlier on in the campaign they were more willing to trust people outside of the group. They became tight with Bryce very quickly, despite the fact that they're a member of the guard and many in the Mighty Nein have serious issues with authority. They were also very quick to trust Shakasta without much question.  Even the Gentleman, someone they knew to be a criminal, was met with at least some level of trust pretty quickly. There were certainly times here and there that they were suspicious of people and didn't trust them, but these tended to be instances where a person did or said a specific thing that made them suspicious. For awhile in the beginning, the Mighty Nein seemed to open with trust far more often.

It wasn't until after Yasha, Jester, and Fjord were abducted and Molly was killed that they started to be less trusting by default. The first people they encountered following the trio's abduction and Molly's death, respectively, were Keg and Nila, and they - very understandably - were quite suspicious to start with, though they obviously developed a trust with them. But their immediate instinct was to not trust them. Then came Avantika, who they, again, very understandably, had good reason not to trust, and they spent some time in a situation where they had no reason to trust the people they were running with, and where they knew they weren't trusted in kind. They were then thrust into a war that was far bigger than them, where one side was the Empire, which at least a couple of them had reason not to trust, and the Dynasty, who they'd been told for a long time were the bad guys and who, when the group initially started on their path to Xhorhas, had kidnapped one of their husbands. Even people that they came to trust, like Twiggy, was met with suspicion initially (and it does have to be noted that players are naturally going to be more willing to trust other PCs than not, and it can be hard not to let that impact how the characters behave).

I think this, all added up together, really goes a long way in explaining how their reluctance to trust people developed. They had a long while there were they had very, very good reason not to trust people. They spent a significant amount of time stuck with people they knew they couldn't trust. And then they ended up in a situation where they had no choice but the align themselves with the powerful Dynasty, who had kidnapped Nott's husband. They also knew that they weren't trusted. While the specifics of the situation aren't similar, their experience with the Dynasty was pretty similar to the situation with Avantika in terms of how they ended up allied and the lack of trust the was given and received. Like with Avantika, they tried to manage the situation in a way that was unsuccessful, ended up with their lives on the line as a result, and were forced to align their interests in order to survive. In both situations there was very little trust between the two groups. They went from one high stress, low trust situation to another. They'd become used to working to their own means from within a group that had their own goals, and trying to do while establishing a trust they know they didn't have with people they didn't trust themselves. So when presented with a similar situation, that went to what they knew. It wasn't something that came out of nowhere.

A lack of trust in general also makes sense for a lot of the characters. While Jester and Caduceus have, just in general, shown more of a willingness to trust people, probably largely due to their more sheltered upbringing, everyone else in the group has demonstrated issues with trust, and they all have very good reasons in their backstory for that.

Beau's issues with trust are interesting, because while there are definitely things in her backstory that suggest reasons for it, we still don't know all that much about the specifics of that backstory, so there's a lot we can't know for sure. To start with, it's pretty clear that her parents, or at least her father, didn't trust her much. Whether that lack of trust started before her criminal career and was unearned or it didn't start until after she started to steal from his company and sell it on the black market, either way, there was a clear lack of parental trust, and that can have an impact on how a person develops in terms of their ability to trust, for several reasons. Not having their parents' trust can make kids feel very alone and isolated, and it can make them assume that people aren't going to trust them (something I think Beau has demonstrated more than once). They can then start to project that onto other people by not trust them, even if a person hasn't done anything to earn that lack of trust. Not having a parent's trust can make a child then feel like they're not worth of trust, which they might, again, then project onto other people.  Even if trust wasn't a particularly sore spot in a parent/child relationship, kids can learn not to trust when they don't feel secure in the idea of their parents' love and support.

There's a chemical element to trust. Oxytocin, what some call the "love chemical", is released during all kinds of intimate and close interactions between people, and it's one of the main hormones at play in establishing not just bonding, but trust. If a child doesn't have an intimacy with their parents, if they don't have those moments that establish that bonding and closeness, then they don't get the release of oxytocin that helps to solidify the trust that exists between parent and child. Not having those hormones release when they're young, not having the brain learn how to trust and having the pathways and hormone releases established makes it harder for the brain to trust in the future. The amygdala and caudate nucleus also come into play, as the amygdala has a lot to do with our emotions and fear learning, while the caudate nucleus is involved in our brain's responses to rewards and has been shown to play a significant role in how we learn to trust. (x) (x) Not having relationships that foster and teach us to trust while these parts of the brain are developing (when we're children) means that a person learns to be more fearful than trusting and to not have the same reward-association with trust that people who grow up with positive trusting relationships have. So a person like Beau, who clearly grew up in a home not just where she wasn't trusted, but where she didn't have a close, intimate relationship with her parents, is naturally not going to have the positive trust-based experiences that help their brain develop a positive reaction to the idea of trust.

Fjord's situation, when it comes to his childhood, was similar to Beau's when it comes to a lack of a trusting parental presence, but it's very different due to the lack of any kind of parental presence in his young life at all. He didn't know his parents, and he spent his youth in an orphanage. As far as we know without any close relationships. We've heard of no adults with whom he had any significant relationship, and he was bullied by a lot of the kids. So while he didn't have a parent who was actively creating an insecure situation that specifically created a lack of trust, like Beau did, not having someone to create that kind of trust with can have a very similar impact in the way the important parts of the brain don't develop with that learning and knowledge of how trust works. So while Fjord doesn't have the intense trust issues that someone like Beau, who specifically had at least one parent creating a situation where she not just didn't learn trust, but learned not to trust, not learning to trust as a child can definitely make trusting later more difficult. Also, being bullied by other kids could have had a more general impact on his interpersonal relationship with other people and the walls he'd have put up to protect himself. There are a lot of walls of that sort, and one of them is not trusting them to treat you decently, so you put up walls and refuse to open yourself up to anyone.

He did experience some what some people might consider betrayals, with Sabien apparently blowing up the ship and later learning that Vandren had been a follower of Uk'atoa at one point, but I don't think much has happened that shows that either of these things has had much of an impact on his overall ability to trust. Fjord didn't get along with Sabien, and he pretty clearly didn't trust him even before the explosion on the ship, so while what Sabien did was a betrayal of the crew in general, if Fjord didn't trust him, then psychologically speaking what he did wasn't even actually a betrayal. As far as Vandren goes, Fjord doesn't seem to really consider the idea that Vandren as one point, probably before they ever met, followed Uk'atoa, as a betrayal. Nor does he seem to feel betrayed by the fact that Vandren is still alive. So while some people may look at these things as betrayals, Fjord doesn't seem to (though, honestly, he might if he took some time to consider the what it could possibly mean that his mentor followed Uk'atoa, got away, and then by some horrible turn of events HE ended up with Uk'atoa as his patron), so it hasn't really shown any impact on his relationship with trust. That he's been more likely not to trust than the other way around seems to come more form just having a childhood where he didn't learn trust one way or the other. Which makes sense, because while he's definitely shown a reluctance to trust people at time, it's not nearly as extreme as Caleb or Beau.

Caleb grew up in a very stable household with parents that, but his own account, were very loving and supportive. From everything we've been told, he had a solid, healthy, trusting relationship with his parents that would have produced no issues with trust. It wasn't until he went away to the Academy and became involved with Trent Ikathon that he had an experience that would hugely impact his relationship with trust. It makes sense that he would trust Trent so easily. As far as we know he wasn't brought up with any sort of trauma or negative experience that would impact his development in a way that would cause trust issues. There's also the fact that, as Liam has said, his parents were very "pro-Empire", nationalistic people. So the people he trusted taught him to trust the Empire and everything and everyone that supported its interests.

The previously cited study on trust and oxytocin found some really interesting things regarding the result of betrayal, people's likeliness to forgive and continue to trust, and oxytocin's role in how trust is adversely impacted by betrayal. They found that when something had been done to re-earn the trust (in the study, giving back the "fake" money that had been taken), people were more likely to still be willing to trust, but in cases where nothing was done to re-earn trust, the reaction to the betrayal was far worse, going so far as to a development of revenge-based behavior. That occurred largely in women, and it was hypothesized that it was because women tend to have more oxytocin than men. (x) So that would suggest that the higher the level of oxytocin, the more negative the reaction betrayal. Which makes sense, as the more oxytocin, the stronger the bond and the stronger the trust. When betrayal occurs, the same oxytocin that fostered that trust and closeness takes a turn. It's a hormone that makes your resulting actions based very much on emotion rather than logic, so when you're betrayed, when that bond is broken, it triggers your brain into emotional decisions based around protecting your from painful emotion. In extreme cases, that can mean seeking revenge. In less extreme cases, it can mean damaging your ability to trust in future situations. (x)

From what we know, I think it can be assumed that Caleb had a very trusting relationship with Trent, one that was fostered not just by the mentor/protege relationship that existed between them, but also by his trust in the Empire that he learned from his parents, with whom he had an incredibly close and trusting relationship. So the relationship and trust he had in Trent was based on just on their relationship alone, but on the trust he had in the things that came before. A strong bond and trust like that would be fostered by high levels of oxytocin, so when that trust was betrayed and that bond was broken, Caleb's brain went into protective mode, making it harder for him to trust people. And because of the specific situation he was in, learning of the deception of larger organizations like the Academy and the Empire itself, and the trust he had in those things being broken, he's more likely to be distrustful of similar groups and things.

Nott is interesting because while she has said she was made fun of by other kids for not being pretty, her childhood has seemed to be otherwise stable (though, admittedly, she hasn't talked much about it). She then went on to have a very stable marriage with a man who, even now, is still loving, faithful, and trustworthy. Like Caleb, it wasn't until she was a bit older (though older than Caleb was at the time of his trust-breaking incident) that she went through anything that would have a negative impact on her ability to trust. Unlike Caleb though, it wasn't an individual event that effected her. No, it wasn't being turned into a goblin. She already distrusted goblins, so being hurt by goblins wouldn't have an effect on her ability to trust.

It was the way she was treated by the rest of the world for being a goblin that seems to have had such a negative impact on her ability to trust. Goblins are generally hated throughout the world, and most people have no problem openly showing that, so not trusting people had to have become a means of protection. She'd experienced that most people were going to be awful to her, so she quickly became unable to trust that anyone would be kind and decent to her. There's a similarity to Fjord and his childhood here, although she doesn't have the same experience, as far as we know, of having no parental presence to help them develop a learn trust and what it means. Nott's issues with trust seem to be much more recent, and they have sadly impacted her relationship with her husband, as she has, at points, not trusted that he wouldn't treat her the way everyone else does.

Jester and Caduceus haven't had the same sort of experiences that would cause those kinds of trust issues. Jester had a very positive and present parent with whom she obviously has an incredibly close and trusting relationship, and we've also seen that she has close and trusting relationships with people who work at the Lavish Chateau. So prior to her experiences with the Mighty Nein, she'd never had an experience that would give her issues with trust. (Which makes me hope very, very hard that the Traveler is good and exactly who Jester thinks he is, because she trusts him so much and having that trust shattered, when it's such a strong bond, could be absolutely devastating to her). She has been, for the most part, extremely trusting of people in general. I think she's become more wary for awhile now, which probably stems from having been abducted. While she wasn't kidnapped by someone she trusted, because of how sheltered she was Jester just kind of trusted people and person-kind (I don't know if that's the right term or a good term. It wouldn't be "humankind" because not everyone in this world are humans, so I don't know what the fantasy version of "humankind" would be) in general, and finding out how dark and horrible people can be, and how it can hurt her, has impacted her ability to trust. But still not to the point that the previously discussed characters have.

Caduceus doesn't really seem to have much of an issue with trust at all, and it looks like he only distrusts people when they've really given him a reason to, like Avantika. I think this comes down to a few things. We know he had a large family and that he was close to them, which means several positive trust-fostering relationships, and while it would be easy to dismiss him as overly trusting due to being sheltered until recently, I think that's a little dismissive of his bonkers high wisdom/perception. I think he has a relatively healthy relationship with trust, and that if anything he just kind of goes with the flow with the rest of the group when it comes to their reluctance to trust and be open than any of it coming from his own stuff. I think he was sheltered, and that it had an impact on his relationship with trust, but not in a way that it made him naive, as I think could be said for Jester. It just kept him from being put into a position where he gave his trust to the wrong person/people and had it betrayed. Now, he wasn't as perceptive/wise as he is, that could absolutely have caused a naivety. But thanks to how perceptive he is and how well he's able to read people, he's able to make decisions about who to trust and who not to trust in more informed and less emotional ways.

I think Caduceus’ influence has actually gone a long way in helping them to trust people, but I think that so much of their willingness to trust has a lot to do with each other. It took a lot of work, but the Mighty Nein learned to trust each other, and while some difficult times made them develop a sort of “us against the world” mentality with their trust for each other, they’ve reached a point now where they’ve helped each other learn to trust more than they ever have.

One of the things that I find really interesting about their willingness to trust, especially in their choice to choose to be so open with Essek, is that the choice was made in the same episode that they discovered for certain that they weren't trusted by the Dynasty, and that they found their trust was, in a way, being violated by the higher ups scrying on them. Yes, they said when they moved into the house that they were probably being watched the whole time. But it's pretty clear that as time has gone on they'd grown comfortable and complacent in the house, not really thinking much about the idea that they were being watched, considering some of the discussions they've had there. While they used Caduceus communing with Melora to figure out who was doing it, I was surprised that they were so quick to use the answers as definitive confirmation that they could trust Essek, considering the question was just "was it Essek" and not about whether or not he knew anything about it. I think it's a safe assumption to think that he probably does, but I'm not sure if the group thinks the same thing and have just decided that it's okay, or if they haven't even considered that he might be aware of it. The former would say a lot about their willingness to trust.

I imagine so much of the group's willingness to trust Allura so quickly was because while the characters weren't already familiar with her, the players were. Some might call that metagaming, and it might be, but I think it's okay. Really, I think Allura was put there on purpose by Matt for specifically this reason, at least in part. The group has had a rough go of it lately. They've been bested twice by Obann, losing Yasha in one encounter (and it could be argued in both, as it would be understandable if at least some of them thought that they might be able to save her the second time around). And both of those situations were made worse by the fact that both times they had pursued Obann after convincing the Dynasty (or at the very least, a representative) of how important it was that they go, only to lose and allow - in their minds - yet another great evil be brought forth. Even small things, like their banning from certain branches of the Cobalt Soul, have taken a toll on the Mighty Nein and their confidence in themselves. Their stress at essentially playing two sides and their reluctance to really open up to allies about it has also been mounting. As a player, that can become upsetting and frustrating. Maybe not in a "ruins the game completely, this isn't fun at all anymore" way, but definitely in a way that can effect how fun the game is in the moment. And while giving a group a more fun, traditional adventure to go on to break up the stress and the feeling of constant failure is something that can definitely help, that can turn out to be something of a short term solution that. It helps bring the fun back for the players and relieve some of the stress, but once they finish the adventure it usually means going back to the other story. Inserting something more permanent into the story, though, can be a huge help. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what Matt was going with Allura. It's not just a temporary reprieve of joy at being able to see a character they loved from the first campaign. It's a character that the players know from the start that they can trust, someone who can become an ongoing ally. The players might not know that, but when you're in a situation where you have players who are stressed out because of things that have been going on in the game, especially when the game has them in a situation where they don't know if they're safe trusting people, giving the players someone they KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can trust can be incredibly helpful. Some might say "okay, as long as they don't metagame and have them immediately trust them." But I would argue that ultimately being able to decrease the stress of the group and making it enjoyable for them is more important than the idea of metagaming is, and if the worst thing that occurs in order for that to happen is that the characters immediately trust a character they wouldn't otherwise, then it's worth it. (/DM rant over)

If an important step for many of the Mighty Nein to take, choosing to start to trusts people, share what they know, and ask for help openly, and the fact that they did so in an episode where they discovered for sure that they weren't being trusted by their most current allies, and where they had, in a way, had their trust broken. It's been a long time coming, and in a way I think they were rewarded with Allura, an ally that we know can be trusted. This whole "playing things close to the vest" and not trusting people has defined the Mighty Nein for so long, it will be interesting to see if they're able to stick to being more trusting and what kind of results they get from it.

#critical role #the mighty nein #beauregard lionett #nott the brave #jester lavorre #fjord #caleb widowgast #caduceus clay

[flammablehat]

So I was feeling some type of way and wrote 1.3k of gen Jester-centric emotional H/C. 

It’s late and the pressure is growing. Jester can feel it, sour in her belly, pushing up into her throat. It’s just like being in a crowd, like a crush of bodies jostling, little spikes of panic every time it shoves at her. 

Beau is off sparring with Fjord. Caduceus is in the garden. She doesn’t know where Caleb or Nott are. Yasha is gone. 

She could send a message. To Caliana, who is so distant she might be confused to hear from Jester, might ask questions. To Kiri, who is a sweet comfort but who can’t really ask questions. Not to the Gentleman, who doesn’t want to acknowledge her. Not to Nicodranas, not now, when she won’t be able to stop everything pouring out of her mouth at once. 

She doesn’t want to be alone in her room. She doesn’t want to bother her friends. She wants the Traveler to wrap her in his quiet green cloak and whisper comfort in her ears, but she doesn’t want to ask him for it, to be weak in his eyes, to be anything less than his best and favorite. 

Jester paces anxious circles until she finds a small corner in the happy room to tuck herself into. Drawing her legs up close, she buries her face against her knees and wraps her arms around her shins, shaking with the effort to squeeze everything down tight. 

The tears come anyway. They choke her, chipping through her clenched teeth and eyelids. She digs her nails into her skin, because pain is pain is pain and her body is so much better at weathering it than the hollow of her chest. Misery whistles through the rigid wet clamp of her throat, a wounded animal noise. A part of her mind watches from a distance, aware but numb. 

She doesn’t expect the soft touch to her elbow, jerks her head up with a wet gasp. Caleb crouches before her, and the concern in his eyes strikes her with shame, gratitude, fear. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks. He still has two fingers on her arm. 

She feels her face contract back into ugly tears and ducks behind her wrist. “I miss my mama,” she says, both an agony and relief to admit. 

Caleb’s eyes soften even more. He pets her with his fingertips as he draws a small wire from his coat and calls for Nott.

“This isn’t the den, it’s the happy room,” Nott protests from the doorway several long minutes later. Caleb rolls his eyes even as she rushes up, having noticed Jester huddled in the corner behind him. “What happened!” 

“Jester is feeling a little poorly,” Caleb says. “Will you stay for a moment? I will find Caduceus to make some tea.”

“Of course I’ll stay,” Nott says, already pushing Caleb out of the way. She is very small, but she tugs at Jester’s sleeve until she tips over and lays her head on Nott’s thigh. Her fingers are spiky combing through Jester’s hair. It isn’t the same as… it isn’t the same, but it’s calming, and the tears that slip out over the bridge of her nose and down her other cheek come more easily, less jagged. 

When Caleb returns it’s with Caduceus in tow, carrying his tea set. He hums a little as he sits down across from them, folding his legs in his meditative pose and preparing several small cups. Caleb draws up a stool, silent and watchful. 

“May I?” Caduceus says, and Jester thinks he’s speaking to Nott but he holds his hand out to her. She lets him draw her into his lap, and he’s so much bigger than Nott it feels like being a child again. He smells warm, both floral and animal. She accepts the tea he offers. His humming is almost inaudible, but it rumbles through her shoulder where she’s curled against his chest. 

“This is good, mister Clay,” Nott says, topping off her cup with her flask. 

“Thanks,” Caduceus says, pleased. “Our garden is doing real well. Should have some fresh chamomile soon.”

“So this isn’t made from dead people?” Nott asks.

“Well,” Caduceus starts, but Caleb cuts across him with a question for Nott about her progress in the lab. She’s been brewing acids, and he’s been fitting fresh pages into his spellbook, and Caduceus has been considering a few additions to the vegetable plot in the garden. Jester finishes her tea and rubs her face against Caduceus’ linen shirt. She isn’t crying anymore, but the tears have left her with a dry itchiness on her skin that feels good to scrape away. They chatter comfortably like Caleb didn’t find her in a miserable ball. Like she might join in at any moment. 

“Here they are, what the fuck, guys,” Beau says, ducking into the happy room, Fjord on her heels. “Jess?” She stops short, and Jester wants to hide her face from the way Beau is looking at her, the way Fjord’s gaze immediately darts to Caleb, brow going tight. 

No one says anything for a moment. Caleb stares into his teacup, Nott tops her whiskey off again, and Caduceus doesn’t even twitch under her. They’ll talk to her, around her, but they won’t speak for her. 

“It’s alright, I’m okay,” she says in a small voice. 

Beau drops to the rug next to Caduceus and looks at her, searching. She stares with the same kind of unwavering intensity she does everything else. Jester struggles not to flinch back from it. 

After a moment Beau holds out her arms. And it helps, somehow, clambering from one of them to another, settling between Beau’s long legs. Jester lets Beau rest her chin on her head, just between her horns. She closes her eyes. 

“Sometimes I miss her so much,” she says, fighting the unsteadiness that wants to claw back up her throat. “And a lot of the time we have fun but sometimes we do scary stuff, you know. And I feel bad when I don’t want to talk to her because I don’t want her to be worried. But sometimes I worry too. What if she gets hurt and I’m not there to make her feel better?” Her voice cracks, and she scrubs angrily at her eyes, all hot and wet again. 

There’s a moment of drawn silence; Jester can feel the looks bouncing between them above her. 

“Do you want to go home?” Beau asks, gentle. 

Jester’s eyes pop open. She scans their faces, seeing plainly how much they don’t like the idea. Not one of them opens their mouth to object. 

“No,” Jester says, chest hiccupping with more grief. There’s guilt in this, too. She loves her mother so much. Not enough to return to her quiet, lonely tower room. Not more than she loves them. 

Beau’s arms come up around her and squeeze. 

The conversation moves on again, eventually. It meanders, relaxes. Fjord leans against the wall, tossing easy barbs at Nott. She flings them back with razor-sharp precision. Caleb summons Frumpkin, who touches his little pink nose to each of them as he stalks slowly around the room. 

By the time they begin to splinter off for bed, Jester feels comfortably empty, if not better. Her insides are raw, but there’s nothing left to chafe and grind at the tenderness. 

Fjord catches up to her at the door, one hand on her wrist as the others file out in front of them. To her somewhat muted shock, he draws her into a hug. It’s warm and sweet, wordlessly genuine. He kisses the crown of her head before letting her go.

In their room, Beau scoots over to the edge of her bed, holding up the sheets for Jester to join her as they put out the lights. Tomorrow, Caduceus will make them all breakfast, and they’ll eat together before embarking on some new scary, dangerous adventure. 

And after that, Jester will come home and write down every exciting minute in a letter postmarked for Nicodranas.

#critical role #mighty nein #hat fic #jester lavorre #emotional h/c #everybody loves jester: the fic #gen