#let's not even get into the fact that asexuality is a spectrum and plenty of ace folks are into kink we will be here all damn day
gonna just dip my toe into some fairly toxic discourse
to say that when people hold up asexuals like me as a reason to ban any expression of kink from pride parades and the like, i am reminded of an experience i had in kindergarten, where a fellow five-year-old completely misunderstood how my dairy allergies worked and thought he could make me pass out by waving a piece of cheese at me.
like, okay, i don't experience sexual attraction to anybody; that doesn't mean i'm gonna melt like the wicked witch of the west if i see someone else wearing bondage gear. i'm a grown adult and frankly, straight allo culture throws more explicit portrayals of sexuality at me every day. trust me, i can handle it. don't project your puritan ideals onto me.
for the record, speaking only for this asexual, the actual things that make me uncomfortable at pride are cops, crowds, and (as someone very susceptible to burning and heat exhaustion) the sun. one of those things should be banned while the other two are basically inevitable. kink doesn't even begin to factor into it.
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(+18) 10 things about your soulmate pt. 2
Since someone already asked for it, I bring you guys a new list of 10 messages that would help you identify the energy of your future partner or spouse. Just think of your intention before picking one pile (or two? We are never too greedy in matters of the heart) from below.
I warn you: this reading is like a Pandora Box 😈. Once opened, you can expect anything to come out! Such as your SO's personality, physical description, career, preferences at sexy time (guaranteed) or a direct message for you.
English is not my mother language, so please bear with me.
Pile I → Pile II
Pile III → Pile IV
✨Pile I✨
To honor the masculine energy from this pile I'm going to use he/him to address the person being described here, ok? He is an inventor. He might be an engineer or scientist. His mind goes so fast! I was bombarded with images as soon as I pulled one card and I felt he experienced the same with his innovating ideas. He got a great imagination and intuition, and tends to hold his chin frowning when he's pondering over an idea. Plenty of "Eruka!" moments. Jimmy Neutron’s vibes. For some of you, this could be your future spouse.
Not going to lie. This person could be Asperger or be within the autistic spectrum. He’s highly functional, but his social skills and the way he deals with intimacy is not what you might expect or had encountered before. This is a brutally honest man. He means no harm, I would even say he remains innocent and incorruptible, but he lacks tack. Plus, he enjoys being alone a little bit too much and can lose all sense of time easily.
He is a star in his job field. He's known for his polemic ideas and inventios. Has earned many prices and recognition from their professors and well-known people. He's like a celebrity. This person seeks glory and surpasses himself all time. He's goal oriented, ambitious, and hard-working.
He looks like a golden retriever. I swear I'm not making this up, lol. Light curly hair, brown eyes under thick glass, rounded face (which makes him look younger), and a dimple or scar on his chin. He likes wearing flannel shirts, the green one he owes is his favorite. They're a walking cliché. He looks like a nerd and is a very cute one.
His personality is as complex as his feelings. He’s easily misunderstood, people think he’s too caught up with his own ideas, heavily criticized for his hyper focus. He has experienced rejection his whole life, leading him to be a hermit by choice and focus on his interests alone. A random fact: he has a comfort item. I think it could be an action figure from their childhood. He could a be collector as well.
Despite of all the above mentioned, they're kind and funny. Sometimes a bit childish, too. He's genuinely a good person, yet a bit obnoxious and detached. Gets excited quickly and he is bright like the sun! Got a big wide smile. If he chose you like his friend, you would belong to his inner circle forever.
He’s patient and methodical. He operates the same way in love. You will feel under no pressure by his side and like you're dating a celebrity, but he's too focused on his work/interests and will make you wait for days/weeks to go meeting you. He might give you the impression he is not interested in you at all, but big news! He has acted the same way towards past lovers and he hasn’t learned anything from then. It's only his fault his dating life is dead.
You might feel insecure by his side because of his continuous absent or how slowly your relationship seems to evolve. He is sort of well-off, the smartest person you've ever met, and good looking... "I bet the ladies are throwing themselves at him when I am not around", could be one recurrent thought of yours. He can seem unpredictable to you, too. But let me tell you two secrets: I swear this person is not fully asexual/aromantic by a biological miracle, so some worries of yours would be unfounded. Secondly, they might not be overly affectionate, but they would be both fascinated and touched by your warm and care. This relationship has a karmatic quality to it. You two could’ve ignored people and hurt them in the past, were self-absorbed and lost in vanity, one of you or both had to deal with a narcissistic parent. You would be projecting on each other.
You're an insecure person and this relationship will hit your Achilles's heel in order to heal your wounds and expand your conscious. You're probably used to fast paced situationships which would be the opposite from this one. But you're not the only one here to be challenged, dear. Your person got to learn to listen and understand his lover and see you're more than a pretty face and a baby maker... He is old fashioned in the sense he thinks he should tight the knot and reproduce with the person he dates for the longest.
In sex they could be into role-playing. He would pretend to purchase the services of the most alluring and dangerous female fatale in town, or you would have to pretend you're guilty of charges and your lover would handcuff you before passing down the sensual punishment on you. He also likes sex in the water but making it comfortable with candle lights around, soft music playing on the background and he might even insist on washing you. He would pour liquid soap on your tits then proceed to rub and massage them tenderly, delighting himself at the erotic image and your loud moans. You can expect to spend a Saturday night within a jacuzzi or a private hot spring with your sweetheart. He's fascinated with the idea of having sex in the rawest and more natural way… yes, with the idea of creating life.
I'm glad you've made it so far! I hope this reading was to your liking and I would love to read your thoughts if want to share them on the replies.
I can give you a "10 messages of your soul mate" reading for a reasonable price, so feel free to contact me for more info.
I do accept tips or donations through this link.
✨Pile II✨
I’m getting prominent masculine energy from this pile, so I will address this person as a man for a matter of convenience. He’s facing the same hardships from a colleague student or a rookie at his work field. He hates capitalism and his current job. He might feel misunderstood or pressured by his parents and/or society, but he’s too proud to open up about his worries or problems with his friends. You already know this young man or you’re about to. You will know it’s him by how thin he looks, the dark shadows under his eyes and his five o’clock beard.
He would like hanging out with you. It distracts him from his drawbacks, plus he feels you’re sticking out for him in a different way. You don’t ask him difficult questions, you focus on having a good time and his comfort. You would be worry of his health, and he finds enticing you would always suggest meeting at a place where you can have a meal and chat in a relax environment.
I hope you haven’t been disappointed by the first hint I dropped at his appearance. He’s slender, yes, but possesses muscles in all the right places and wide shoulders. White complexion and defined cheek bones, people joke about him almost being casted as a vampire in the Crepuscule movies or something along those lines. He’s tall and has a fine bone structure, this man possesses such a sex appeal and his masculinity is fully displayed. There’s a queue of females hoping to get his attention.
There would be a high sexual tension between the two. He knows he should be focusing on reaching his goals first and settling down later, but he can never ignore your calls and would try to leave some time in his schedule to go meeting you. He won’t be able to shake you off from his thoughts, but not everything in the garden is rosy, dear. He tends to castrate himself from pleasure in favor of status and success. He relies on security a lot and he’s also the type to believe he can’t commit to a partnership if he doesn’t have the resources to provide for his lover. He might find himself at odds about what to do with your connection.
This man is emotionally complex. He’s a serious and logical person, but he acts fatherly at times and is empathetic with the people he cares about. Lowkey, he seeks for compression and to have emotional connection with the other. He would like to be friendlier and vulnerable, but I think he missed the chance to nurture that tender side of his as he once was a child required to grow up quickly. He would instinctively hide these truths from you because he’s ashamed.
He hates to be treated like a child or nuisance, yet he’s infatuated with you and your motherly affection and thoughtfulness (mother issues detected). He’s quick to feel guilt and you might notice when he’s feeling remorseful around you. He’s a terrible liar. I sense he directs his anger towards himself alone, he doesn’t have issues with facing off, it just… it’s useless to him. He might be half diplomatic, half profit-seeking, so he might not upset anyone that could be useful to him. This stubborn and proud man would give the cold shoulder instead.
He is into outdoor activities, he feels called to be close to nature, thus you could go hiking together or taking a stroll in a park. He’s definitely a dog person, he might owe a dog and you might end up in a date in a dog park or having a picnic day and he took his dog along. He is a magnet to animals, so don’t get surprised when all the strays come running to be petted by him. At this point it’s painfully obvious he’s an Earth sign. If you google “Capricorn” and search for images, the first to pop up would show you a picture of his face.
He’s a mother’s dream son-in-law, lol. He seems to be popular around elders, mothers and daughters. He’s well educated, polite, accommodating, and money orientated. People will trust him quickly and believe he got a great future ahead. But he can’t help to feel he’s being watched all time. The expectations of others on him pressure him to surpass and innovate himself over and over. He got to deal with a lot of stress in his daily life because of this. Thanks to his unique circumstances, he was able to fully cultivate his cognitive intelligence and become a great advisor. He could be a law or psychology student.
Not going to lie to you. Your connection might feel highly therapeutic to each other, but specially to him. We got he has issues with being vulnerable, yet he would find himself opening up to you slowly. There would be times when he would just spill the beans and feel embarrassed later. Whenever he’s feeling frustrated or like venting, his speech would turn sharp and slightly violent. It would feel like you’re watching a play, you could find it dramatic and incredible how deeply this man’s feelings can run. You will pity him, but can empathize with him, too. Both will share a sense of mutual protection and trust. A traumatic confession might turn into a night of passionate sex.
It’s an all-or-nothing-in-bed type of person. He’s into practices that seek “trust” and “vulnerability” and that might inspire fear to the inexperience. I’m not talking about dark or forbidden sex per se, but he’s diffidently into bondage, blindfolding, gagging, sex toys, and dom-sub dynamics. You can expect him to pin down your wrists above your head while he’s thrusting into you, and giving you deep kisses that would leave you without oxygen if they last a bit longer. He’s an intense lover, and once he had left all inhibitions behind, he would go wild below the sheets. You wouldn’t have to worry about being mistreated, since he would be sticking out for you inside and outside the bedroom.
I'm glad you've made it so far! I hope this reading was to your liking and I would love to read your thoughts if want to share them on the replies.
I can give you a "10 messages of your soul mate" reading for a reasonable price, so feel free to contact me for more info.
I do accept tips or donations through this link.
✨Pile III✨
I’m getting a lot of feminine energy from this pile. This could be a woman but if you’re into men, this one is not afraid to express his divine feminine energy. He’s tender hearted, thoughtful and serene. He’s a natural teacher, people are attracted to him because they’re sure they could learn something from him, even if they don’t know what exactly. He might give off the image he’s a religious man or highly spiritual. He’s a luminous being, children and animals are attracted to him. His chart is a curious mix of Taurus, Aquarius and probably Gemini.
He might not be very talkative, though. He rather listens, watches and then act. He’s sort of a prodigy, he’s fairly young but he was gifted with wisdom and fortune in regard of opportunities and/or wealthiness. He’s like a hermit, he would warm up to others, but wouldn’t allow them to get too close. He might feel used by people and then discarded at times or it’s a primal fear of his, but I’m getting it’s him who does not know how to set healthy boundaries.
I’m going to be frank with you. You will have to chase after him and gain his trust. This is a challenge and although you might feel discouraged at times by the seemly lack of progress, you would recharge your motivation each time you are recalled of his potential and the loving person he actually is (while it’s charming you believe in him, beware of making up too many excuses for him). I know it might not be enough or worth the effort for some people, your friends might even try to dissuade you from wooing this person, but he could’ve reminded you of your past self and that’s why you wouldn’t give up easily on him. This pile is for the go-getters that were timid once and the people who has not confessed their love for anyone ever. This man would inspire you to try new things and get in contact with the side of you that still believes in romance.
This is not a heartless or invincible person. He won’t ignore you if you approach him to talk or to seek advice, he’s always eager to provide guidance and to have intellectual exchanges. He responds to kindness and humbleness very well, so you will be able to melt the ice wall between you eventually. This could be the best student of your class or your boss’s son, for some reason or another you two can't avoid to interact since you belong to the same community. You might bond over light themes like a favorite tv show, music, food or pet peeves… He will be very invested in the conversations you have and might find your perspective on things really innovated or the way you speak is witty and full of emotions.
Oh my, Cupid's arrow will hit this man and he might not realize it right away. He could start overthinking of your conversations and the way he would like to pick up where you left next time he meets you. He wouldn’t be fully aware of how often he’s reminded of you. You might catch him staring at you from afar or approaching you to ask you for small and almost absurd favors. You might find yourself thinking, “it’s really simple. Why is he asking me to do that?” His odd behavior will confuse you since he’s unable to tell what’s wrong or what he wants from you. You would frustrate him equally while making him experiment new emotions. I’m getting this person is not known for dating or engaging in love affairs, but you would shake his resolve.
He doesn’t fool around. He’s worry of hurting people so that’s partly the reason why he doesn’t go for flings either. He’s sensible yet ignorant of the emotional world and stuff like romance or dating. He might not see it as a necessity, plus he´s under too much academic or professional pressure to care for those things. But he´s tempted, you know? This connection would take off when the Universe is inviting you both to do some inner work and integrate major changes. He’s only slow-witted when it comes to relationships, so it might take him some time to digest and start acting on his feelings consciously. You will wake him up and make him realize of his longings and the neglected parts of himself.
I don’t know how old some of you are, since I’m getting messages for seemly young people and some of you might be older but new to love experiences. This connection will bring you a lot of “firsts”, like your first date, love confession or sex encounter. You will explore together the stars and while that could be an allusion for pleasure, there’s something about nighttime, secrecy and making wishes that would be important to you. I’m getting you will go star sighting or on a date in a planetary museum. None might feel comfortable sharing with the rest you’re seeing each other or you would wait until you’re officially together to release the news. You would be very intimate with each other and exchange your deepest secrets.
I think he’s an old soul. This hasn’t stopped him from learning and trying new stuff, though. He speaks multiple languages, do well with math and could be interest in one specific culture (he might be a descendant of immigrants then it’s his culture). He’s very artsy and might excel at activities like sewing, cooking and cleaning. He’s into painting, doodling and making jewelry. He’s an overall clean person, like mentally and physically. He could be an architect, teacher or nurse at present or later on.
This connection could suffer some delays. He might need to go overseers for work/studies or you might need to focus on working on your thesis (in case you don’t belong to the same class). This is a general reading so the scenarios will be different for everyone, what I can tell you right now it’s you would be texting each other a lot until you can finally meet again. I can tell you might lose easily to each other and forget about the real world and responsibilities. It might even happen so often that you would be facing hard consequences later and “those delays” are actually you two dealing with jobs behind or unattended life areas. Be careful guys, you might fall hard for this person and would be required to mature sooner if you want this relationship to last.
He is a massive freak in the sheets. His fantasies would leave you speechless. He’s into handcuff, blindfolding, belts and oral sex. He’s such a dom! He wants to immobilize you and make you beg for his cock. He will get you to scream out of pleasure. He can come off like too intense and he will thrust slowly and in depth you. He might not mutter a word during the act, only grunts and heavy breathing. His approach to sex is very intuitive and raw. He might enjoy to be watched by a third party or sex in the open is a go for him. He likes to fuck, he’s not cute in the sheets and he might have to hold himself a little so he’s not too rough on you. While he’s not very emotional involved during the act, he’s all into aftercare and cuddling and would seek your praise.
I'm glad you've made it so far! I hope this reading was to your liking and I would love to read your thoughts if want to share them on the replies.
I can give you a "10 messages of your soul mate" reading for a reasonable price, so feel free to contact me for more info.
I do accept tips or donations through this link.
✨Pile IV✨
Another pile with prominent masculine energy, thus I will use he/him to address this person. He’s known for being a lucky person and quick-witted. He got expressive and bright eyes, they could be green or light brown. He’s tall with long limbs and with a good sense of fashion. I don’t know why I’m seeing the image of a man wearing a tuxedo. I suspect he might have to dress formally because of his job, although I can´t tell whether he’s a salary man at present or still a student. He has a youthful appearance that can fool anyone about his real age, plus his personality is warm like melted caramel and charming. He’s the type to gift lollipops to children and flowers to ladies. He might not even suspect that’s a sign of flirting for the latter case, so yeah, he can be oblivious too.
He’s cunning yet he doesn’t have anything to hide or his every action is see-through to anyone. He might be a childhood friend or someone you would get along so well and have such a familiarity with that you might feel like you’ve known each other forever. You might have a group of friends in common or you would start interacting more openly during an event or game. I can sense people around, but the way he would treat you is different, almost intimately and you couldn’t help to feel all fussy inside yet very confused. You might believe he’s hard to read and would obsessively compare the way he addresses you with how he speaks to the others. I see a lot of overthinking and suspicion coming from you, but let me enlighten you, the experience would be real and his interest for you genuine.
You might’ve gone through a recent breakup or there would be something haunting you (could be mental illness or having too much on your plate) by the time he would display full interest in you. It could’ve started with him noticing you were down and wanting to cheer you up, then he would get more engaged after knowing you farther. You might not take him seriously at the beginning, you might think of him like a clown or someone out of your league (I’m sorry to say this, but some of you might not admit he’s out of your league so you called him a “clown” instead to delude yourself.) Trust issues detected, but they do come from you, not him. He would still persist on getting closer to you and eventually you would warm up to him.
He’s into games and sports, so he might challenge you to compete on your area of expertise. You might be a sporty person too, or you’re more into gaming or board games. He’s super versatile, he can do all those, but he would definitely follow your lead. His love language is providing quality time, so he will try to make the most out of the time you spend together. He wants to have fun and this person is mentally restless, so I see him asking you questions or going for intellectual exchanges. He would fascinate you and leave you breathless at times. You might feel like this is the first time someone has ever gave you so much attention or like you’re hanging out with the most interesting person around. He has anecdotes to share and he’s so good at storytelling.
He will take you on an emotional roller-coaster or any equally adrenaline ride. If you’re a bit closed-up or got issues opening up to others, you will to this person and he would become your best friend. This connection might not have tittles for a while, but it would be painfully obvious to anyone your confidants and into each other. He would want to introduce you to his friends and take you to parties, but don’t worry, he will keep an eye on you all time and he would be fairly protective of you too. He’s a social butterfly and he will attempt to make you get loose a little. He might come off a bit forceful at first, only because he got your best interest at heart, but you got to tell him when to stop or whenever you’re feeling uncomfortable and he will back off. Remember, none of you is a mind reader, so communication would be key for this connection.
This connection will trigger positive changes for both and getting expansion within social and emotional areas. I think this person is too good on putting on a “everything is fine” mask, so you might have troubles seeing him for who they are or not idealizing him, but with time this mask will crumble down and you will see the human behind and the unattended wounds. He might be friendly and popular, but he too got trust issues. He doesn’t usually speak about his hardships or emotions with others, so your friendship would be really special to him by providing him a safe space to vent and be himself. You would have to be a little bit patient with him since he might not fully realize his romantic feelings for you until later. He’s dense as a rock when it comes to love. He might be a bit of a flirt, but if you confront him about it, he would tell you he’s only being nice to people. He’s not lying to you, but I get why it might still annoy you. Here’s a secret: he might turn uncharacteristically shy and loss at words before the one he's crushing on.
He’s someone who is very sensual and possesses the gift of timing. The pauses in his speech, the side looks or the seconds it would take him to bite his lower lip and release it look rehearsed by how smoothly they’re conveyed. This is not someone loud or childish per se, but he might be filterless when speaking and he cannot stay put on one place. He’s always ready to go on an adventure and will drag companions along. You might not like him upon meeting him. You might find him inconsiderate, fake-ish, and a show up. This is the type of person you tend to ignore based on your own prejudges until he managed to turn the table on you. I don’t think you’re bad people pile 4, I see you will be projecting your longings on this person. You actually wish you were like him and are bit envious of his outgoing personality. Just remember you have good qualities too and this person's admiration for you is not an illusion, they would like you for who you are.
You might like wearing jewelry or have a special attachment to some type of clothing. This man too, so you might find him the most attractive when he’s wearing that jacket or you find yourself staring often at a necklace or piercing he always wears. He’s a “main character” in your opinion yet this person would want to please you and might even let himself be bossed around by you. He sees a queen bee in you, his queen bee, and will shove you in front a mirror so you can see the masterpiece you truly are.
This connection has the potential to be one unforgettable and like a romance of a fairy tale, but both will need to work hard for that. You would need to be more trusting, since I see you ignoring him for a long time or playing hard to get. This person is not a victim nor a saint either. His obliviousness can hurt people and they might beat around his feelings for you. He might fear the real shit, you know? You two got to find a way to be vulnerable with each other, otherwise you would be stuck in a friendship that would turn into a psychological torture and you would have no option but to split up.
You might dancing around each other before making a decisive move on your connection like a love confession or stuff, but you have it easier for sex if you both are into casual flings. Well, this person won’t deny you and you might even make his day if you propose to have a night of passion. You can expect he would want you to ride him at some point of your encounter. This person is versatile outside and inside of the bedroom, he can switch from dom to sub at the snap of your fingers. He could wear a gag and be tied up to the headboard while you’re having a feast on his hot body. He would want you to be vocal too, and I’m not talking about moaning loudly or swearing (he might like that, though). He would appreciate if you say you are feeling good, comfortable or not. He is very romantic in bed and he would expect reciprocity, like you opening up to him and trusting him. Sex with him would be passionate and healing.
I'm glad you've made it so far! I hope this reading was to your liking and I would love to read your thoughts if want to share them on the replies.
I can give you a "10 messages of your soul mate" reading for a reasonable price, so feel free to contact me for more info.
I do accept tips or donations through this link.
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A Look at the Queer Community: Allies and Straight Folks
When it comes to these articles, not every topic is going to have enough content to fill an entire post, so today I’m going to cover two somewhat similar topics at the same time, those being why allies are important, but not part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and why it’s not okay for queer folks to say that straight people are not part of the community in a blanket statement. So, to start off...
Why Allies Are Important, But Not Part of the Community
When it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community, a lot of the letters are pretty common knowledge - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, and Intersex - but then comes A. It should stand for Asexual and Aromantic, and yet I’ve seen discourse involving people claiming that it actually stands for “Ally”, to say that people who support the community are also a part of it, and this simply isn’t true. Now I know there may be people who hear that and get offended, but it’s not meant to be mean or discrediting in any way. Allies are infinitely important, and I doubt the community would be where it is now if there weren’t allies helping us queer folk along the way. Despite that, however, there are two big reasons I have as to why a non-queer ally is not part of the community.
Safety and Acceptance
A big reason for the queer community to exist is to recognize a group of people who have been regularly treated poorly or as lesser then others for simply living their truth, and allies just don’t fall into this category. The chances of someone getting kicked out of their home for being gay are significantly higher than someone getting kicked out of their home for supporting gay people. Again, that’s not to downplay the support, the fact of the matter just is that being queer and being an ally are entirely different experiences. When you’re queer, you’re queer, you can’t change that, but if an ally would be in danger for supporting the community, they could just choose to stop.
Asexuality and Aromanticism
As I said, the A is supposed to stand for Asexual and Aromantic, so when people claim instead that it stands for ally, they’re removing the representation of the ace and aro spectrums from the acronym. While there are plenty of times where it’s shortened to LGBTQ+, and the + could easily encompass both of these spectrums, it’s still giving priority to people who shouldn’t be a part of the community in the first place. We live in a world which pushes romance and relationships to everybody, so it’s really important to not let these two spectrums be swept under the rug and ignored.
Really, the reason I don’t have all that much to say about this issue is that it’s relatively simple in nature, but it’s still something that has to be touched on. To all the allies reading this, I want to genuinely thank you for being supportive, and I hope you can understand that there’s no harm meant by saying you aren’t in the community. It’s just important to recognize that the queer community is just that - queer. And, on that subject, let’s move onto...
“Straight people aren’t in the community!”
...is something I would never say, as it simply isn’t true. However, just because I know it isn’t true doesn’t mean I haven’t been somewhat problematic with the issue in the past. For a long time, I referred to the queer community simply as ‘the gay community’, and the fact of the matter is, that’s a somewhat harmful way of phrasing it. Being not straight isn’t and will never be a requirement to be queer, but sometimes it does feel like that might be the impression a lot of people have. This could come from issues with straight people in the past, or maybe even from things like the term ‘gay-straight alliance’ which is used in schools.
If you’re still not entirely sure how straight people can be queer, let me run you through a few examples. For starters, people under the trans and asexual umbrellas can both be straight, as those parts of their identity have no effect on their sexuality. Also, people who have fluid or otherwise fluctuating sexualities may have times where their attraction is akin to straight. I’m sure I’m probably not covering everybody with those examples yet that’s already plenty of people with the potential to be straight and still in the community, so really, there’s no need to be so hostile towards the idea of straight people who are queer, as they’re just another part of the community. It would be like claiming that every person whose cisgender or allosexual couldn’t be part of the community, which I’m sure probably sounds ridiculous, but the fact of the matter is that this is the exact same reaction that saying straight people aren’t in the community should spark. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - we need to stand together, not divided, and be a queer community.
And just for some finishing thoughts, I’d just like to mention that there’s nothing wrong with being straight by any means. Now I know to certain people that might sound like a weird take to add in, but sometimes I see discourse involving queer folks being mad at people simply for being straight, so I’d just like to share my take. Sure, there are problematic straight people who may be against the community, but like... there’s problematic people of all types, that’s just how people are, unfortunately. All too often, it feels like a lot of people will default to not having respect for an entire group instead of just the people in that group causing trouble, and this is incredibly problematic. The world we live in is far from two-dimensional, so it’s simply unfair to judge an entire group based on only one side of a much, much bigger picture.
Hey, So… Why Did You Make This?
I’ll gladly answer that question! It’s incredibly important to get queer experiences straight from the mouths of people in the community out there, because that’s one of the best ways to get educated on or educate others about LGBTQ+ matters. I know my parents looked at plenty of media about trans people in an effort to understand what I was going through and how they could help me when I came out, so without information like that available it might be just that much harder for people to get through certain challenges. That’s why I want to do this, because I know looking at blogs by trans women in the early days of my transition really helped me figure certain things out, so maybe, just, maybe, I could end up helping fellow queer people who might need a bit of help on their own journey.
But no matter who you are, if you made it to the end of this, I’d like to genuinely thank you for reading. I hope you got something out of it!
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Hi, just wanted to say i respect your willingness to stand up for your opinions.
I know you have got some push back re your thoughts on the classification of Cas as gay to the potential exclusion of other LGBTQIA+ identities.
Its valid to be upset that Cas is reduced to just one when he hasn't identified specifically as any particular one and could fit other definitions better. That said, most people only seem to be using gay as a general term, almost an alternative shortcut for queer. Its not accurate but not meant badly.
I think partly using gay to describe Cas is because its shorthand for the uneducated and partly because it recognisably for a straight audience pulls Cas firmly over to the opposite spectrum (a way of saying that he is definitely not hetero but homosexual for less educated people about the differences).
Given that even now, with all the discourse on 'open for interpretation' on the confession scene, there are too many people insisting it is not queer at all this adamant insistence that Cas is gay is really just a fierce opposition to that view point.
The truly awful consequence is that representation is so minimal that people are left to argue over the scraps and it divides the queer community.
The key is for queer artists and producers to make more content - written by people who know and understand what representation should look like and make those stories engaging to the general audience. Thats hard though, takes time and cost money so adding in a shout out to queer art programs.
https://deadline.com/2021/06/out-loud-list-2021-out-in-hollywood-lgbtq-tv-pilots-1234779522/
Hi! So before I answer this I should acknowledge that I’m in a really weird place on the queer cas discourse spectrum because I’m someone who 1000% believes Cas is nonbinary and also part of the queer community (asexual, demisexual, omnisexual, or pansexual would be my guesses but I’m open to debate) but I also vehemently despise destiel and the confession scene. So just…. disclaimer lol.
But yeah, you’re definitely right that a bunch of people use “gay” as a shorthand for “member of the queer community” instead of to mean just plain “homosexual”. And that’s totally fine! It draws a firm line for cishet people, is easier to understand for people who aren’t as educated on lgbt matters, makes people feel more included, and also is just a lot less of a mouthful than, say “omnisexual” lol.
And I also totally agree with you that the fact that some straight people are trying to nitpick the confession scene and claim it wasn’t romantic and Cas isn’t actually lgbt is…. Absurd. Even though I hate that scene and wish it didn’t exist, it does, and it very much was a romantic confession, and people need to accept that. And frankly straight fans need to realise that there were plenty (and I do mean plenty) of indications all throughout the show that Cas is definitely not straight. Straight people clinging to him is just sad at this point.
However………… what I was mostly referring to in my initial post (and all subsequent posts in which I argued with the troll) are the rabid destiel shippers that refuse to believe Castiel is anything but a gay (homosexual) man who’s head over heels in love with Dean Winchester. And, trust me, there are a lot of them.
These people tend to despise any woman who comes near Cas (Meg, Hannah, etc) to a point that verges on misogyny, trash anyone who claims Cas could even have the potential to be attracted to more than just men, get angry at people who suggest he’s asexual and thus not attracted to anyone, and are often dismissive of his genderqueerness as well….. all because they see these things as threatening to their precious ship. *eyeroll*
When I come across fans like this it becomes really hard to see them as just fellow members of the lgbt community who disagree on the topic of his sexuality because 1.) Let’s be real, a lot of them are straight women who just fetishise gay men and 2.) It’s pretty obvious that they don’t actually care about representation (despite the fact that they’ll scream queerbaiting any day of the week, lord knows), they just care about gathering evidence to support their toxic trash ship. And if that means calling people homophobic, they’ll do it, but if it means insulting other non-homosexual lgbt fans, they’ll do that too.
I’m glad you brought up the issue of lack of representation on a broader spectrum, though, because that really is the heart of the matter. I said earlier that a lot of these shippers are straight women- and that’s true- but there are also a lot of them that are queer people themselves that are so starved for representation that the second they see two men share a meaningful bond, they start shipping it. And they’ll blindly go to the mat for said ship. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a great couple, and it doesn’t even necessarily have to be genuine queer subtext- it can just be a platonic male friendship- but lgbt fans are so goddamn starved for lgbt rep that they become a little crazed and obsessive when they think they’ve found some. That’s what I think happened with a lot of destiel shippers. And that’s not their fault! That attitude could absolutely be resolved by having more queer romances and a larger variety of queer characters in tv and film. But, idk…. I guess we’ll see if that happens :/
Thanks so much for this response, though. It was super polite and intelligent and informed and I LOVE getting in-depth asks like this! <3
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What I Learned as a Demisexual/Demoramtic
Now, I’ve started to frequent the r/demisexuality subreddit, and one of the most common posts are people asking for advice or information because they’re questioning.
Perfectly understandable. I help where I can on posts I feel like I can actually offer help on and I’m going to share that same advice on here with you all on the off chance it’ll help someone. Granted, this will mostly be me parroting information others have told me or information from the articles and videos I’ve watched, but this isn’t something that is widely known and I want to try and educate as well as help.
While I will remain as clinical and respectful as possible, I will be bringing up the topic of sex.
What is Demisexuality?
Demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum, and is the complete absence of sexual attraction until a bond is formed. Let me stress that it isn’t “being picky”, or “normal”, demisexuals do not feel any sexual attraction at all until the prerequisite of a strong emotional bond is established. Demisexuals do not see people on the street, actors, or celebrities “hot”.
There is no desire, no reaction, no drive to have intimate relations with someone if they don’t know them.
This means that demisexuals are functionally asexual until they care about someone enough to develop sexual attraction. Personally, it’s less to do with looks, and more to do with who the person is. For example I find my boyfriend attractive because of the amount of love, respect and, trust we have for each other. It’s who he is that matters, not what he looks like.
Can I be Straight/Bi/Gay/Pan and still be Demi?
Yes. The Asexual and Aromantic Spectrums is often used as an additional label to the more “well known” sexualities. I myself am a Straight Cis female that is Demisexual and Demiromantic.
You can be demisexual/asexual/gray asexual and still be romantically attracted to a specific gender, as the Asexual spectrum only concerns sexual attraction and nothing else.
With that said...
Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction are Two Different Things!
Despite what society and modern media would have you believe, sexual attraction (the desire to be sexually intimate with someone) and romantic attraction (the desire to date someone/ fall in love) are two different things.
Just because a demisexual does not feel sexual attraction until after getting to know someone, that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love. In fact the “emotional bond” I keep bringing up can be platonic or romantic.
I’m going to be using myself as an example, I knew my boyfriend for a few years before I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, that I liked him romantically, but I wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of doing anything intimate with him when we first got together two years ago. It was around nine months (roughly) into the relationship, after talking things out, discussing what we wanted out of the relationship, what I was comfortable with, and trusting him enough to be ok with even talking about sex.
I loved him first, and found him attractive as time went on.
So, for those demis with significant others, for those of you who are dating a demi, and especially for people questioning if they are demi, please heed this next bit of advice.
Communication Is Key!
I cannot stress this enough, you need to be okay with having actual conversations, you need to aware of both your own boundaries and those of your partner. And for you singles out there, you need to be able to clearly explain this to any potential partners you may have, it will save you a ton of pain and heartbreak in the future.
It’s heartbreaking to see people on the Demisexuality subreddit deal with some horrible situations because they’re pressured into doing something, or assumptions are made based on how dating and hook-up culture work...
Sexual Attraction is Different from Sex Drive or Arousal
This is a point that a lot of people get confused with, thinking that getting turned on, viewing erotic material, and their own libido means they aren’t demi.
Sexual attraction is seeing someone and having the desire to have sex with them.
Sex drive is the desire to have sex in general, it is a biological process and is perfectly normal to have. An undirected thing that just happens. Demisexuals can have high or low sex drives, Asexuals can have high or low sex drives. Anyone can have high or low sex drives. What matters is the lack of or limited attraction to others that defines people on the asexual spectrum.
And yes, you can watch porn, read explicit fanfiction, whatever suits your taste. Arousal is nothing more that reaction to erotic stimuli and is a normal thing.
It’s even okay if you want nothing to do with sex. There are people who enjoy, others don’t and that’s okay.
Demisexuality VS Demiromanticism
I mentioned the Aromantic Spectrum earlier and have already stressed the fact that wanting to bang someone and falling in the love with them are two separate things. For those of you curious, Demiromanticism is similar to Demisexuality in that both of these orientations require a strong emotional connection to a person as a prerequisite, the difference being what the prerequisite relationship is for.
Demisexuals require an emotional connection before they are sexually attracted to someone.
Demiroamtics require an emotional connection before they are romantically attracted to someone.
There is no “Lust at first sight” with a Demisexual and no “Love at first sight” with a Demiromantic.
And you can be Demiromantic, Demisexual or both.
I am both, it took quite a while to figure that out, let me tell you. I had a genuine moment of “Wait, people actually fall in love at first sight irl? That’s a thing?” as well as a moment of “People want to F***, just because?”
As a demiromantic and demisexual, I was very confused for a while there.
Things Demisexuality Is Not!
It is not “a choice”. It is a fundamental part of how a person thinks, how they function. I can no more stop being demi than my boyfriend can stop liking boobs.
It is not “a kink”. I’ve had this one said to me personally and for the love of god, ew no. It is not a kink. It is something firmly rooted in how I am as a person you uneducated, narrow-minded Ding-Dong. Kinks are fine, perfectly fine so long as it's safe and everyone involved consents. What I'm not okay with is people blatantly ignoring information about a sexuality to label it as a kink.
“Isn’t everyone like that?” No, Let me put it this way, if the entire world was Demisexual, sex appeal wouldn’t exist in media because it wouldn’t work.
Bonus Round: Being Demi and Having Fictional Crushes
This is something I posted about on reddit, that got a lot of positive attention as most demis that replied didn’t really know about this, but could relate to once I put it into words.
I’d often get attached to fictional characters to the point of being hyper fixated on a select few and develop crushes on them. Some characters I’d even seek out explicit fanfiction of.
This is because I am essentially developing a one-way bond with that character. It’s not with every character mind you, there are some characters I have crushes that don’t involve NSFW content, and there are plenty of characters I like platonically.
But the fact that my hyper fixations and fictional crushes made so much sense after I figured I was demi was a relief and a fun little thing to figure out.
“Oh I’m demi... That explains so much...”
If You Have Anymore Questions, Feel Free to Ask Me!
I do have the ask box open on this blog, or you can head to r/demisexuality and hopefully someone with more experience than me can help.
I hope this was educational and helpful to a degree.
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I'm sorry I was just wondering why asexuality was the only sexuality openly said to be a spectrum while for example being lesbian is not? There is no grey lesbian or demi lesbian is there (not referring to SAM there)? I'm just really confused as to why demisexuality and greysexuality aren't their own sexualities like any other?
Please don’t get me started about how the labels historically had more flux before policing became such a meme to get rid of the “unworthy” or the “lacking of gold star”. Please instead read here about that if you are so interested.
Now your question is hey, why aces have a spectrum of identity and not others labels? Wa-bam! Other labels do have a spectrum and I can show you instead of just saying communities simply allowed it before.
This is The Kinsey scale used in research to describe a person's sexual orientation based on one’s experience. The scale typically ranges from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to a 6, meaning exclusively 1948!! (Asexuals were x on this list we’ll get back that later)
Now I personally refer to anything from 1-5 as bisexual. 1-5 would be a “bisexual scale”. There’s no practical use for bisexuals to differentiate themselves but you will see biphobia on anyone not a 3. And in bi communities any differences between 1-5 are just labeled as preference.
Now let’s say, someone is a 5 but really believes and likes and finds self value and worth in being gay. According to a strict (and overly cruel) Kinsey reading they aren’t “exclusively homosexual” but they get to draw their own lines for their own identity and label. But with another overly strict and cruel labeling using terms that were never designed to play together applied to snap shot of sexuality a 5 that feels like a lesbian hypothetically could be a grey lesbian. But again that’s not how the community is organized and really a misuse of ace terms because asexuality is X (Still getting to this!!)
I also know plenty of 1 / 1.5 straight people who personally draw the line of themselves and say I’m not bisexual. That’s also their absolute right as a person.
I believe your confusion point of “why do aces have a spectrum, and not others” is hopefully cleared up. Other sexualities have a spectrum it’s just not their focus.
Okay so why is it an ace focus?
So the Kinsey scale is a crude 2D map from heterosexuality to homosexuality. Now Kinsey’s X of asexuality is another axis. From allosexuality to asexuality. And since that axis is really only important to denote limited to no sexual attaction it’s in our benefit to stay grouped together. Similar to how it’s in bisexuals benefit to stick together because they are defined by their multi-gendered attraction and aces are defined by their lack of gendered attraction. And just like how it’s biphobia to be like “ew get out of here 2” it’s acephobia for people to be like “ew get out of here demisexual you’re your own thing, we’re the pure ones.” Like blah makes me sick to even type.
So I’m recap! All sexualities have a spectrum! Since the binary of heterosexual to homophobia is so ingrained it’s commonly and most easily referred to as 3 different labels. The only thing left is people being cruel to each other about it and trying to ignore that fact. And aces have a visible spectrum because it’s another axis that needs visibility to be understood. There’s been plenty of critism of the Kinsley scale because it’s again a limited 2D binary but for introduction to the spectrum of human sexuality I think it’s still a good touch stone
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I haven't done one of these in a while but I need to get some thoughts/observations out of my head and onto something
It's easy to lose yourself sometimes, even if you previously thought you knew exactly who you were. Sometimes, things happen; life gets in the way and we forget to be vigilant. Perhaps we fall into the amatonormative traps of life when we are caught off guard, and as a result, end up being accidentally aphobic to other people, and even ourselves.
I'm in the knowledge that I'm on the aromantic spectrum. Where on that spectrum, I don't know, and I'll probably never know for sure, which is why I've given up on giving it too much thought. I'm also asexual. For a while, I didn't believe I could be asexual because I've had and thought sex was okay. In fact, I can even enjoy it. Sometimes, I even want sex. I mistakenly assumed my occasional desires for sexual intimacy as sexual attraction, but now I think I realise that it's a mix of things - being in a loving relationship with someone I trust and want to be intimate with (sexually or otherwise), and also, the desire for sensual touch, which can result in sex, which is fine with me.
So I finally broke through that internalised acephobia, and admitted that, I am in fact, asexual, and that doesn't mean that I love my girlfriend any less than an allosexual would. It's just a different way of being. But the thing I'm struggling with at the moment? Internalised AROphobia.
I'm arospec. I'm greyromantic. Probably. Could I just be aromantic with desires for a romantic relationship? Possibly? But I do know what romantic attraction is. I've helped other aros and arospecs out with what romantic attraction is. And I'm 99% certain I experience it towards my girlfriend. But when looking back at what queerplatonic relationships are like, it makes me think "oh, that's cool". I always remember growing up, my "dream" kind of relationship involved me and a best friend - usually a boy for some reason - living together, usually sleeping in different rooms/beds, but occasionally sleeping in the same bed. Sometimes, we might even kiss, or even make out. It was like a friends with benefits kind of relationship, minus sex (I think)?, there was some element of occasional "intimacy" but it didn't feel particularly sexy or anything. It was just a case of "sometimes we get lonely and libido is a thing so let's do this and relieve it together".
I've also never had a crush in my life? At least, not a celebrity one anyway. I never had any crushes in secondary school, or at college... Or at university. I'm nearly 22 and I think I've only had one "crush", and that was my current girlfriend, and by crush, I mean infatuation. Is that what a crush is? I'm not even sure. Squishes, however, I've had plenty of. Again, usually male, and I have no idea why given that I consider myself sapphic and have a girlfriend. I think I've always wanted to be friends with men, and have always been platonically drawn to them - and almost fascinated by them in some ways. About a year ago, I mistook this for gender envy, and, I'm nonbinary, so some of it might be that, but I'm not male. I'm not a trans man. I'm not even transmasculine. But when I do picture an idealised version of myself, I appear to be relatively "gender neutral", whatever that means. Anything and everything is genderless wheh you stop caring, but I have a particular penchant for what I would consider stereotypically "men's grunge clothing" - ripped jeans, flannel shirts and sweaters, long floppy hair occasionally thrown back into a man bun, work boots, etc etc. I still use she/they pronouns and I'm very happy with those, but part of my gender identity is definitely more masculine, and sometimes it's desperate to get out despite my short curvy stature.
So I suppose this whole long ramble is about me trying the pick apart the many facets of my identity, as I have been doing for the last four or five years. About how, despite previously being so certain I was aroace, being deeply affected by amatonormativity as I've gotten older, and desperately trying to pretend I was neither fully ace or aro.
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Where is The Male Presence in Sex Positivity?
One thing I find disheartening is the complete lack of any male presence or messaging directed at men and other male-aligned people in sex-positive spaces.
And before you make some “feminist” extremist claim like “Men don’t need sex positivity” let me make some clarifications for you.
The fact that toxic masculinity is still dominant in many aspects of our culture, and that many men are still comfortable voicing or acting out toxic masculinity and all its expressions of sexuality, does not mean that men don’t need sex positivity. Toxic masculinity is not sex positive. Let’s explore how:
Toxic masculinity puts pressure on men to have sex and defines their self-worth by how much sex they have. Sex positivity says it’s great to have (consensual) sex, and great not to have it, and that your self-worth does not depend on whether or not you have sex or how much sex you have.
Toxic masculinity overrides consent both on the ends of women and men. Toxic masculinity encourages men to pressure women, continuing to push boundaries after they are expressed, often overriding consent. But men can also be sexually assaulted or raped because of the toxic masculine belief that men always want sex, causing people to ignore or override “no” signals they try to express. Sex positivity emphasizes consent for all people. It thus protects men against sexual assault and discourages them from sexually assaulting others.
Toxic masculinity is cisnormative, heteronormative, and binaristic. Plenty of men are queer or trans, and these men, along with varying degrees of masculine-aligned nonbinary people (including both AMAB and AFAB people) as well as masculine-aligned intersex people (whether they identify as men or not) often have a tougher time getting comfortable with their own sexuality in our cisnormative, heteronormative, binaristic culture. Sex positivity is essential for these people too. Yes, this includes people on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, as they often struggle more to figure out how their experience of sexuality (or lack thereof) fits into all this.
Toxic masculinity makes huge generalizations about men and about women, in terms of how they think, what they want, how sex works for them, and prescriptive norms of how people “should” act. These generalizations harm anyone who doesn’t fit into the norms. It can lead to bad social interactions, bad sex, and anyone who is different in some way (which, honestly, is most people in at least some ways) feeling ashamed of who they are, how they think, and what they want.
So to me, it seems clear that the need is there.
Just how bad is it? I think it is really bad. Although it’s easy for me to find “locker room talk” on certain corners of the internet, I find it disturbingly difficult to find spaces where men are able to talk about sex openly, in respectful and positive ways, without hiding their names or faces. Yeah, you can find plenty of men on Tumblr and Instagram and other platforms, who are posting sexually explicit content, but they’re largely anonymous, no name, often no face. This contrasts with women where there are plenty of Tumblr blogs where women post their faces and often at least a first name, and a wide range of different content, but also include sexual content. I think this speaks volumes. Most men, even straight cis men, aren’t really comfortable being open about their sexualities, and they only post sexual content online in super anonymous settings, probably because of fear and shame.
I really want to see more male-focused sex positivity, and I want men and other male-adjacent people included in sex positive spaces. Yes, this includes myself, I’m nonbinary and even if my identity is more female of center, I feel many of these struggles myself, both because I am AMAB and because I do have some part of my identity that is male.
I want everyone, including men, to feel comfortable with their sexuality and to have a place where they can talk about it and express it free of shame and criticism. I want everyone to have access to a culture that affirms them and their sexuality, while also steering them in a direction of healthy ways to experience and express it, emphasizing things like consent and the diversity of human sexuality, and steering people away from things like pressure and overgeneralizations. And I want to break down the culture of shame and stigma surrounding sex.
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What Entrapdak Means to Me
On the eve of Entrapdak Positivity Month, I thought it was as good a time as any to share my rambling thoughts on a ship that’s affected me in a way I didn’t think was possible.
Entrapdak is the first ship I have ever been invested in. It’s such a new experience for me that it’s taken me the last few months to wrap my head around the whole thing. I may relate to the characters in a show, but when they form romantic attachments I view it with a degree of passive distance. I don’t understand what it’s like to have those sorts of feelings for someone (I am aromantic and ace as a brick), and, well, I’m honestly not curious enough to give the subject a thorough study. My mind tends to fixate on other things.
What does this have to do with Entrapdak, you ask? Long story short for people who don’t want to read my meandering essay -- I relate a lot to these characters, and the way they bonded together struck a deep chord in me that I can’t ignore.
Let’s start with the characters. I knew going in that Entrapta was neurodivergent-coded, but I took it with a grain of salt. When I actually watched the show, however, I found myself relating to her so deeply it shocked me. Never have I felt such a kinship with a fictional character! We don’t share every trait, but it was still like seeing my brain put to life on screen. I related to her enthusiasm over her special interests, her struggles to fit in, her desire to make friends who accept and understand her for who she is.
The fact Entrapta is completely herself is something I love about her. Over the years of growing up undiagnosed, I developed a lot of masking strategies. Human psychology is one of my special interests, and even with all that accumulated knowledge, masking isn’t easy. It’s extremely mentally taxing. Masking can certainly look easy -- I can, when I have the drive and energy, “pass” as neurotypical, and only people who know me extremely well can tell I’m dying inside. All that effort is taken for granted by a lot of NTs because that’s how people are “supposed to” act, and surely I can “do the bare minimum.” The accumulated stress of near constant masking has led me to the darkest moments I’ve had in my life.
Entrapta’s struggle with leaving Beast Island hit me hard. It threw me back to a time when my feelings of isolation and worthlessness got so bad that I lost the energy to do anything, even the creative pursuits that were the obsession of my life. I retreated so deeply into my inner world that I hardly interacted with anyone. That total apathy shocked my family into getting me professional help, which gave me my autism diagnosis, the coping skills to move forward, and a good start on the road to self-acceptance. It also opened a channel between my family and I, allowing me to feel heard and understood. (An important side note on mental health: if you or someone you love needs professional help, please seek it! Sometimes you have to try out several therapists -- it took me three to find a good fit -- but you are worth it!)
It took me longer to realize, but I also relate to Hordak in some ways. Mercifully I was not raised in an extremist cult environment. However, I know what it’s like to feel defective next to a sibling that seems perfect. I was constantly being compared to my younger brother, and in all areas but art, he was superior. He was smart, athletic, and above all, he fit in with everyone. I didn’t hate him for this -- I hated myself. Trying to measure up to his standard is what caused me to develop such strong masking strategies. Underneath it all, I felt the despair of knowing my peers would reject me as soon as the mask cracked. I also live with chronic joint pain, starting at around age seven. The jury is still out on what’s causing that (the worst of it was due to a previously unknown food allergy, but the pain still comes and goes, even though it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be). This cocktail of pain, stress, and sensory issues I had to deal with gave me a very short fuse at times.
As an aside, just because I sympathize with Hordak does not mean I am excusing his actions. He is still going to have to face the consequences of his choices, and work to adjust to life post-Prime. The series end gave him a new beginning, the opportunity to be redeemed, and I prefer this to a rushed redemption arc.
What I love most about Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship is how they accept each other as they are. Hordak gives Entrapta near free reign of his sanctum, he listens to her when she talks, and he respects her opinions. Even when he pushes her away, he still considers the logic of what she tells him, and sometimes ends up doing things her way despite his initial instincts. This is something I do in my own life; I am easily overwhelmed by new information, so my initial response to an idea/activity is almost always a firm (and sometimes rude) “no,” until I have time to properly process and think about it. Hordak is the first person in Entrapta’s life that truly listens to her. He still has things he needs to work on, but it’s a lot better than how most of the princesses are with Entrapta. The Alliance treats her as someone to be managed -- she is useful, but unreliable. Hordak, in contrast, trusts her to get things done in her own way.
On the other side, Entrapta is the first person in Hordak’s life to accept him without judgment. Hordak spends so much of his energy putting up a front of strength and intimidation, and Entrapta cuts right through that. She’s not frightened by his appearance, and even his outbursts have little effect on her until the two of them start to bond. Entrapta doesn’t come into their interactions with any preconceived ideas of what Hordak is like, or more importantly, what he should be like. This lack of expectation leaves her completely open to accepting whatever Hordak does and says, and it also relieves Hordak of the burden of needing to put on a front around her. When Entrapta sees him at his most vulnerable, she reaches out to him with compassion, something he has never felt before. Entrapta also does this in a way that doesn’t belittle Hordak. His imperfections are not something to pity, they are a valuable part of who he is.
I loved watching their friendship develop. Entrapta and Hordak’s shared time together evolved slowly into a bond that gave each of them a sense of belonging they had never experienced before with anyone else. It gave me the hope that, despite what an oddball mess I am, perhaps I could find someone who understands me too.
When a romance subplot inserts itself into a story, I tend to gloss over and ignore it (if I pick up on it at all). I’m even less interested in sex. Way back when I was first getting into fandom I was so excited to go online and meet fellow fans of the books and shows I liked, only to discover the spaces being dominated by arguments over character pairings. I was baffled. This is what people are most interested in? Oh well… back to the hermit cave I go!
I was late to the party with SPoP. I’d watched a few episodes, but the show didn’t really hook me. This was partially because all I ever heard people talk about online was Catradora, and if that was the main appeal of the show, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it (sorry Catradora shippers, romance is not going to entice me to watch a show, even if it’s rep). Quarantine was the ultimate cause for me embracing my curiosity and diving headfirst into SPoP, binging the entire thing a few months before the release of season 5.
I vaguely knew about Entrapdak as a ship going into the show, and I admit, had I not been primed for it, I probably would have missed the romantic potential entirely. In no way did I expect to become invested. I was immediately intrigued by their dynamic, and as they got closer, I found myself thinking “oh, I see why people ship these two.” I didn’t understand this realization until months later. I was relating to the characters, and for the first time in my life, I was relating to their relationship.
I headcanon Entrapta and Hordak as an asexual couple. I’ll elaborate on this at a later time (asexuality is a spectrum with a lot of nuance, and this post is plenty long already), but at the core of it, I find joy in imagining these characters in a loving platonic relationship, something I hope to find myself one day. I hope this love comes across in my artwork and in my fanfictions <3
To those of you that read this far, wow, you must be patient! Have an imaginary cookie! I hope this ramble has provided a decent picture for why I, as an aro ace on the autism spectrum, have come to cherish Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship. It’s my first and only OTP… I’m still in shock thinking about that… I guess we’ll see where things go from here!
Take care of yourselves out there!
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Jasnah Meta - The Importance of Context
AKA: PLEASE stop saying that Jasnah is pro-genocide when she is. Not. At all. In any way. Shape or form. Whatsoever.
TL;DR: Nowhere, at any point, in four ginormous books of text, does Jasnah ever say ‘you know what’s great? Genocide.’ She never even implies. It she never even actually, seriously, suggests it. Please stop saying she does as though it’s canon I lose 12 years of my life every time it’s mentioned.
AND NOW FOR THE LONG VERSION BECAUSE Y’ALL KNOW I CAN’T LEAVE IT AT THAT!!!!!
PLEASE NOTE! THERE WILL BE SOME MINOR RHYTHM OF WAR SPOILERS IN HERE. PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYEBALLS IF THIS IS A DISTRESSING CONCEPT TO YOU.
So first things first, let us discuss The Scene Itself:
“Yes. The answer is obvious. We need to find the Heralds.”
Kaladin nodded in agreement.
“Then,” Jasnah added, “we need to kill them.”
“What?” Kaladin demanded. “Woman, are you insane?”
“The Stormfather laid it out,” Jasnah said, unperturbed. “The Heralds made a pact. When they died, their souls traveled to Damnation and trapped the spirits of the Voidbringers, preventing them from returning.”
“Yeah. Then the Heralds were tortured until they broke.”
“The Stormfather said their pact was weakened, but did not say it was destroyed,” Jasnah said. “I suggest that we at least see if one of them is willing to return to Damnation. Perhaps they can still prevent the spirits of the enemy from being reborn. It’s either that, or we completely exterminate the parshmen so that the enemy has no hosts.” She met Kaladin’s eyes. “In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”
“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”
“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic. Perhaps you should consider acquiring some at a future date.”
So the only time Jasnah actually brings up this concept it’s to, hyperbolically, point out that asking the Heralds to return to Braize and trap the Fused may not be the worst idea.
She’s not actually suggesting this as a valid or legitimate tactic. It’s to contrast the plan Kaladin just called her ‘insane’ for suggesting (I bet that’s gonna hurt a million times more than it already does in 900 years when we get Jasnah’s book and backstory but hey. Back on topic) and point out that, in the face of the apocalypse, this is the kind of level they have to think on.
I’ve already talked about the nuances of this scene at length here, so I’ll just do a quick summary: Jasnah is not as composed about any of this internally as she makes out to be - even what she suggests with the Heralds.
When we see her alone with Ivory, reading Taln’s repeated mantra, Ivory notes that she’s troubled. The words (and where he was/how he was being treated when they were recorded) is enough to trigger a twenty year old flashback in her.
This scene is one of the clearest moments (along with the Kharbranth thug scene, I suspect) where Jasnah’s outward projection of her internal feelings and thoughts least matches up with reality.
In spite of the inflammatory remark that sparks this all off, she doesn’t want to assassinate any Heralds. She quite clearly says she wants to “see if one of them is WILLING to return to Damnation.” She wants to have a conversation with them, understand the Oathpact, and see if any of them would consent to buying them some time. She is not suggesting they knife one of the Heralds in a back alley. That’s Moash’s job.
This is supported by what she does in canon. Jasnah is actually the one who recognises Taln and Ash and, somehow, manages to persuade them to join her at Urithiru and help. She treats them with nothing but dignity and respect in her scenes with them in Rhythm of War, and tries to find out more about the Oathpact and their options - as she said she wanted to do.
But since Jasnah is a Kholin, which means the ‘D’ in her DNA stands for DRAMA, she doesn’t say that, instead she says: “let us find the Heralds and kill them.” (I love her so much y’all. Ahem. Anyway).
But there’s method to this madness, too. Please click the ‘keep reading’ button to discover why! (have to turn my own posts into clickbait bc they’re so long I have to put in a cut to spare ur dashboards).
Jasnah likes to push people. She likes to force them to think, and consider all angles of a problem, and come to terms with their own thoughts and opinions. This is one of the things that frustrates Shallan about Jasnah in TWOK:
Shallan caught a victorious glimmer in her eye. She wasn’t necessarily advocating ideas because she believed them; she just wanted to push Shallan. It was infuriating. How was Shallan to know what Jasnah really thought if she adopted conflicting points of view like this?
-TWOK 36
Jasnah doesn’t want to brutally murder the Heralds and force them to return to their maddening idea of hell. But in phrasing it as she does, she can get an insight into Kaladin. Despite the fact we know him very well at this point, this is, this is the first time Jasnah has interacted with him on-screen, and only the second time she’s met him ever.
“That Windrunner. What do you think of him, Shallan? I find him much as I imagined his order, but I have only met him once. It has all come so quickly. After years of struggling in the shadows, everything coming to light—and despite my years of study—I understand so very little.”
Oathbringer, 33
Jasnah in that scene is deliberately being as exaggerated, ruthless, cold, and harsh as she can get away with. She’s trying to push Kaladin. She wants to bait responses from him, to get an idea of what kind of man he is, and what he stands for. She focuses entirely on him on that scene, and the reactions we as readers get see that as well.
“If you wish, Captain,” Jasnah snapped, “I can get you some mink kits to cuddle while the adults plan. None of us want to talk about this, but that does not make it any less inevitable.”
“I’d love that,” Kaladin responded. “In turn, I’ll get you some eels to cuddle. You’ll feel right at home.”
Jasnah, curiously, smiled.
Jasnah likes to be pushed as well. She likes to have people push back with her, and stand up for themselves, assert themselves, make their arguments. She all but encourages Dalinar to publicly do so in RoW.
Socially, in spite of Kaladin’s rank or status as a Windrunner, it’s probably 100% Not Acceptable to ask an Alethi princess if she wants a basket full of eels to cuddle because she is one, effectively. But Jasnah’s unphased - and even pleased - by Kal’s response. She likes that she’s seeing this from him, that he’s unguarded, and passionate, and more than willing to go toe-to-toe with her, which few people are.
Also, because I foresee potential problems in this meta that I would like to nip in the bud right now, I don’t think that Jasnah is doing this to play with people? That’s not really in her nature or who she is. There’s a purpose to everything she does, and there’s a purpose to her doing this, too.
With Shallan it was to encourage her to think for herself and form her own thoughts and opinions. Just before in that scene, Shallan asked why Jasnah couldn’t just tell her what to think and what was the right philosophy to have in life. Jasnah replied it was something she had to discover for herself - and that’s how she approaches all of their studies.
Jasnah never teaches Shallan what to think, or even what happened, despite that being the meat of her study. Instead, she teaches Shallan how to think, how to study, how to learn, how to critically reason, and how to form and argue her own thoughts and conclusions.
With Kal, I think it’s a quick and brutal way of quickly getting to grips with a new, very important, element in what’s going on in her world. Remember, too, that one of Jasnah’s most obvious aims, aside from protecting the world, is protecting her family. And Kaladin is very close to everyone that she loves and holds most dear, while she knows nothing about him.
However, something else that’s important to note, which, for me anyway, RoW all but confirmed: Jasnah has low cognitive empathy.
She’d come to realize, early in her youth, that she didn’t approach relationships the same way everyone else seemed to. Her partners in the past had always complained that she was too cold, so academic. That had frustrated her. How was she to learn what others felt if she couldn’t ask them?
Chapter 99 really was an absolute fucking gift, I mean really. Asexuality AND low empathy, all in one go. What a delight.
This little snippet can be read as her being asexual, potentially, but I actually think it reads more heavily and obviously about her being neurodivergent? And specially low cognitive empathy. Brandon says that, to him, Jasnah is not autistic spectrum, but you just keep giving me more evidence to say she is buddy!! Anyway. Diagnostic debates aside.
I would guess some of y’all don’t know what the heck I mean by ‘cognitive empathy’ (I didn’t before I researched all of this a couple of years ago).
There are two types of empathy, in strict psychology terms (and then there’s the colloquial way we use it to just mean ‘a good person with feelings’ which drives me BANANAS but that’s a rant for another day):
Affective empathy - which basically means ‘this person around me is happy/sad/excited, I am also now feeling that way. Because emotion is infectious like a cold! How thrilling’.
Cognitive empathy - is the ability a person has to pick up on/know what others are feeling without having to be told. Using tone/body language/facial expression etc etc. It’s something I, and a lot of other autistic people, are bad at.
So is Jasnah!
Her previous partners disliked her probably verbally vibe checking them every other week to find out where they were at. Jasnah was frustrated because how the heck else is she meant to know wtf?? What an absolute mood this woman is. Anyway.
This revelation/confirmation makes a LOT of Jasnah scenes make a lot more sense. Including: chapter 64, and her insistence, to the point of it almost being illogical, that she fight without her Surgebinding to try and get as clear a picutre of what her soldiers are facing as she can. Jasnah starts off that chapter by saying she’s never actually been in a war before, and states throughout that she wasn’t prepared for what it was actually like.
Her low empathy means that, without a personal context/experience to relate to and draw emotional experience from, she struggles to understand exactly what her troops are going through.
Obviously she knows that ‘war is bad, battles are scary and not fun’. But she has no way of emotionally relating/truly understanding what they’re feeling. This is one of the reasons I think it’s so important to her, despite Ivory’s chiding, to do it that way so that she can understand.
Similar thing is happening here with Kaladin. Jasnah struggles to instinctively Get Vibes from people, so she goes about things in a very scholarly way.
She does research and makes notes (see: her little folio on the highprinces (which, by the way, misses out on several important aspects of them Shallan picks up on pretty quickly by the power of Intuition), she asks questions - and she sets up scenarios that push people into blatant emotion so she can observe and get an idea of what makes them tick.
TL;DR TAKE TWO: Jasnah does not want to murder all of the Singers. Jasnah never says she wants to. Jasnah only uses it as a ‘see, asking the Heralds to go back to Damnation isn’t actually that bad now is it?’ hyperbolic counterpoint after Kaladin asked her if she was insane. Jasnah is not actually what she pretends to be in that scene. She is but a hapless gay who cannot detect emotions so she has to conduct her Vibe Checks differently from other people. She is highly valid in every way and i stan her.
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Me: I just realized what kind of vibe I get from Ankha porn...
Friend: Dominatrix?
Me: No... Look at these pictures, and all the countless other pictures just like them. Ankha never looks like she's overly into it. A complete contrast from her partners. She always looks like she's just... doing it... and that's all... Like it's just another task. No different than any other daily activity. And yet at the same time we know she does in fact want to do it. If only from going by the famous video... She wants it, but it seems utterly mundane to her. She has this attitude of, “Yes, I want to have sex, but it’s nothing special...”
Friend: You think she's ace?
Me: Yeah. That's the vibe she gives me. She comes off as a sex-positive, sexually active asexual. Someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction but still has sex simply because she likes to.
Friend: It's possible.
Me: And I know this is by no means Nintendo's official stance on her character. This is just an observation based on the current image of her the fans have propagated in pornographic fan art... but that image screams asexual who wants to fuck. Which isn’t unheard of either... We exist. There are plenty of sex-positive, sexually active asexuals.
Friend: So, I sorta understand from the outside, but can you explain sex positive asexuals? Or rather, the difference between them and regular... sexuals?
Me: Okay so there are two types of asexuals... I mean, not really... There are far more than just two types... but for the sake of this explanation let's just say there are two types. Sex-repulsed asexuals, and sex-positive asexuals. Sex repulsed means exactly what it sounds like. You don't like sex at all. It's disgusting and you don't want to see it, hear about it, or even think about it. While sex positive don't feel that way at all. They still don't experience sexual attraction, but they aren't put off by sex and it doesn't bother them when they see it. One way to think about it is like this... Let's say I sit down and watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And let's say I actually enjoy it and have fun watching the movie. Does that mean I want to go out and butcher a bunch of people and feed them to my family? No, of course not... But it's still entertaining to watch. A sex positive asexual is someone who is able to view sexual things the same way I would view The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. While a sex repulsed asexual would view sexual things the same way a person who can't stand gore or violence would view The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But then you can take it a step further and you have sex positive, sexually active asexuals. They would be the kind who are like, "Well... It doesn't exactly do anything for me... But I guess butchering a bunch of people and feeding them to my family could be an interesting experience... I'm not really doing anything at the moment, so... Sure, why not? Hand me the chainsaw." And you even have some who are like, "Huh... I don't really WANT to butcher people... I have no desire to butcher people... But butchering them DID still feel pretty good... Yeah, I guess I'd do it again. Same time next week? Don't be late, okay? If it runs into my yoga time we'll have to put it off for another week. I want to do this but... not enough to interrupt my yoga time." Does any of this make sense to you?
Friend: I get it. Kinda...
Me: Asexuality is a spectrum so I know it can be confusing.
Friend: You're sex positive I'm assuming.
Me: Yes. I guess if you are still having trouble understanding it, you could use the cake analogy instead. Or garlic bread if you don't like cake... You aren't hungry but I give you cake and you eat it anyways because you still like how cake tastes. As a gray asexual... and a sex positive one... I'm generally not hungry... But I still like how cake tastes so if you offer it to me, there is a good chance I'll eat it anyways... Unless it's one of those nights where I just really can't eat cake because it just doesn't sound like it would go with what I already had for dinner and I don't want to make myself sick by eating cake and raw oysters... But then there are rare occasions where I'm suddenly like, Oh my god I AM hungry. Why haven't I been eating? Do you have any cake? But getting back on track, I guess the difference between me and a “sexual” person is that Ankha vibe I was talking about. Which I can tell you that I for one feel a very strong connection to... I'm not exactly interested in sex the same way you are... but I still enjoy my body and like playing with it. If someone else wants to play with it with me I'm probably fine with that. Just don't take it to heart if I don't look like I'm into it. I am... just not the same way you are. I don’t have the same attraction to this sort of thing that you do, so this is something completely different for me than what it is for you. We’re each getting very different things out of it.
Me: But long story short, all I’m really trying to say is... Ankha is the one asexual icon the community has been missing. A sex-positive one.
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Asexual MC - Headcanon
Arcana Characters (Main 6) x MC
A/N: My first headcanon :) I feel like there’s not enough love out there for the asexual apprentices in the Arcana so I thought I would make up something with the main 6 real quick! On that note I am writing this with an MC who does not want to ever have sex, so please keep that in mind! Everyone on the asexual spectrum is valid. I would also like to mention that although I use he/him pronouns for Asra I am aware of his non binary gender orientation. Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammatical mistakes :) Requests are open!
Arcana Headcanon Masterlist
❤️Julian❤️
Not gonna lie, he’s surprised at first
He always just assumed sex was something everyone wanted
But once you explain it to him he’s quick to grasp the concept
He is a doctor after all, he knows that no two bodies or minds are exactly alike
He’s really accepting afterward
We all know our boy is kinda horny on main but he values your comfort and happiness above anything else
He would honestly cut off his own hand to make you happy, so not having sex isn’t a very big deal
Always checks before and after any form of affection to make sure you’re comfortable with it
If something does make you uncomfy he’ll keep apologizing for at least two days
He just wants to make sure you’re genuinely comfortable in your relationship with him
Would punch any jerks who were disrespectful of your orientation :)
Likes to spend lots of time cuddling and telling you stories about his adventures instead
You’ll certainly never be bored and you’ll NEVER feel anything less than adored
This man is honestly just so in love with you and is absolutely elated that you love him back
🧡Portia🧡
It doesn’t really matter to her
It’s not that she doesn’t care about your orientation, it’s just that sex isn’t a huge deal to her in the first place
She doesn’t really need a long explanation
If you even just told her you never wanted to have sex with no other explanation she would be totally accepting of it
She just wants to spend time with you any way she can
Exploring the hidden passages in the palace? You bet. Gardening together outside her cottage? Absolutely. Cuddling in a pillow fort with Pepi? Sounds perfect.
Little check-ins every once in a while to make sure she’s not doing anything you’re uncomfy with :)
If someone is rude to you about your orientation she’d cuss them out
She’s probably be really upset about the fact that anyone could be so rude to you in the first place, so expect plenty of comfort cuddles
Whether it’s you comforting her or her comforting you it doesn’t really matter
The point is that she’s going to be an absolute cuddle bug
She’s so in love with you and she couldn’t imagine living her life with anyone else
💛Lucio💛
Hold on
You’re saying you don’t...?
But how can you...?
He’s unintentionally a jerk when you first bring it up
He just doesn’t understand how you can just... live without sex
But once he gets past the initial shock he’s your biggest ally and supporter
If you don’t want sex then the two of you aren’t having sex and that’s that
He’s got a billion other things he’d like to do with you anyway
He’s not too good about making sure you’re comfortable with his particular brand of affection but if you tell him you don’t like something then not only will he never do it again, but he will likely feel awful inside and spoil you more than usual as his way of apologizing
Tries to execute anyone who mocks you
Also once tried to make sex illegal when he was drunk
He’s not exactly on the right track with all of this but he’s doing his best
Will likely need to talk to you more about how you want him to support you through this (although no matter what you say the death threats toward acephobes will never truly die out)
He’ll also need reassurance that you still love him, but he’s going to need that either way
Also he’s still going to spoil you rotten
Legitimately anything you could ever ask for is yours
Asks the tailors to make you some outfits in the colours of the ace flag if you’re okay with that
Is overall just overjoyed that you really truly love him
💚Muriel💚
Thank god
This absolute mountain of anxiety is honestly so relieved to hear that you’re asexual
When you two first got together he was so nervous about how your first time would be, but now he doesn’t have to worry at all
It’s seriously like a weight has been lifted
So obviously he’s in your corner about all of this
He’s already such a gentle man but now he always doubles checks to make sure he doesn’t push your boundaries
Even though the chances of him doing something to make you uncomfortable are 0% he’s always worried about it
You’ll have to take the lead with most displays of affection
He’d never hurt someone who was rude to you but his glare is enough to scare them off anyway
Mostly concerned with making sure you’re okay
Your relationship would probably include lots of cuddling as your main form of affection
Inanna joins in on the cuddling most times
He gives you lots of little carved tokens as well :)
Seriously, he just feels so lucky that someone as amazing as you is in love with him
💙Asra💙
He doesn’t care
The truth is that he loves you more than anything else in the world
Something like your sexual orientation isn’t going to change that
You won’t even have to explain it to him
He’s part of the LGBTQ+ community so he at least has a basic idea of what asexuality is
If you want to go over it with him anyway just to make sure he knows exactly where you stand on the spectrum then that’s fine with him
He wants you to know that he still loves you with his entire heart and he would never push you into anything that makes you uncomfortable
He can sense when he’s making you uncomfortable but he’ll still check with you verbally to make sure
He wouldn’t directly confront anyone who was mean to you about your sexuality
Instead he would grab your hand and lead you away before hugging you tight and asking if you’re alright
I hope that you don’t mind that he will literally never stop talking about how much he loves you and how perfect you are
He would spend all day cuddling you if he could
And even if you aren’t cuddling he’s still touching you in some way, whether it’s by holding your hand or having an arm wrapped around your waist
He has a million ways to tell you he loves you so why would either of you even need to think about something like sex?
You’ll never have a reason to doubt his love for you
And he’ll always love you for exactly who you are
💜Nadia💜
She’s completely understanding
She may not know what asexuality is when you first tell her but she wants you to know she’ll support you no matter what
She nods along to your explanation, taking in everything you say and making mental notes of which terms she should research later on
She doesn’t really mind never having sex
Let’s be real here, do you really think she and Lucio has a healthy sex life?
It’s not something she ever viewed as necessary in a relationship
She knows she can come on a bit strong at times, and often apologizes if she thinks she’s made you uncomfortable
She verbally reprimands anyone who insults you and helps to raise awareness of asexuality throughout Vesuvia
She won’t allow any intolerance in the court and has removed staff members who have mocked you in the past
She still spoils you with luxury items that she thinks you will like
Her flirtatious comments are now made in the hopes that she’ll make you smile rather than make you flustered
She enjoys taking walks around Vesuvia and simply talking with you in her spare time
She loved you from the moment she met you and she always would
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things I wanna see in ace fanworks!
It’s Ace Week!
And there’s huge variety among the aspec community (spectrum! that’s what it means!), so here’s a post about a variety of things I’d love to see more in fanworks involving asexual characters!
(I’m especially thinking of Jon from The Magnus Archives and Zolf from Rusty Quill Gaming, but this should easily apply across fandoms!)
I’ll try not to repeat it every line but: blanket disclaimer that this is very much a “what I feel, what I want, me, personally” post. Others (including other asexual people) might feel differently, and that’s perfectly okay. That’s kind of the point of this post! This is absolutely not a “here’s the one correct way to write all ace characters that all ace people will enjoy and agree with” Rules post — on the contrary, this is partly in reaction to seeing other people say that they dislike seeing, or don’t dare create, things that I, personally… desperately want to see, actually.
CW: this post will contain references to many common sources of trauma for asexual people, such as aphobia, partner abuse and rape, as well as sex (in general and sometimes in specifics) and asexual people having sex.
So! I, personally, love and would love to see more...
Fanworks by all sorts of asexual creators
No matter what your specific experience is, it is important, and your getting to create and share art about it is important, and you deserve to get that, and there are people interested in seeing it. And the same is true for all the other aces with different experiences, too.
Variety! Room for all of us! Share your experience happily, and let other aces happily share theirs!
Fanworks by allosexual creators
I’m so happy you’re interested in asexuality and in depicting it! I do want my experience to be normalised and seen as a normal thing that anyone can find interesting and relatable, even allosexual people. If you don’t mean to be an asshole about it, if you’re generally interested in exploring asexuality and you’re doing it from the heart, thinking of asexual people as people — then I want to see it, and I want you to be able to give a try to creating or consuming whatever you want, and I do not want you to be attacked for doing it.
Of course, you might still unwittingly fuck up, and people might still get hurt, and truly hurtful things should still be pointed out in order to be improved on; but I want us as a community to help creators up instead of shouting down, and I hope you continue putting thought into creating fanworks involving ace characters.
Keep reading for some tips and suggestions of things to think about, to keep in mind and to look into to improve your representing of us and our experience of it!
Extremely specific, different, kinda weird, niche, Problematic™ content, from creators of any identity (including questioning!), who are wary about sharing it because they think that there’s no audience for it, or that they’re not allowed, or that it’s a bad and evil way to represent asexuality
I want to see that, I’d be thrilled if you did it, I hope you do it, and I want a fandom environment in which you can do that safely because you deserve to. Of course, make sure to provide good tagging and CW!
Awareness that asexuality is a wide varying spectrum of experiences and there is no One Correct or More Valid Way to depict it
Awareness that even people with the same identity, label and life experiences might want to create or consume different things
Permission for everyone to create whatever they like, so long as it’s just done earnestly
No shaming, gatekeeping, accusations of fetishising, etc.
There are newbie writers who will never learn if they’re scared away from trying; there are people who haven’t yet figured out that they are in fact ace and never will if they’re not allowed to explore it safely; there are ace people who consume ace content to feel good about themselves; there are ace people who create ace fic in order to explore complicated, hard, unpleasant experiences and feelings; there are ace people whose experiences do not match stereotypical narratives I’ve most seen brandished around, and those people are just as ace and just as allowed to create and consume whatever they want; I do not want to foster a fandom environment in which people must out themselves and offer up their experience to scrutiny in order to be “allowed” to write certain topics; etc., etc.
Over the past two years, I’ve regularly seen a lot of yelling along the lines of “this work includes x and not x because this character is ace!” or “this fic I just read is the only valid ace fic” or “oh my god everyone look at this, this is the perfect ace fic”. A lot of it comes from a place of defensiveness and/or pride, ace people happy and proud to share something that was, finally, pinning down their experience. That’s awesome! ... For them. There are plenty of other asexual people who don’t relate to or enjoy those narratives — in fact, all the ones I’m thinking of squicked me hard, despite being made by ace creators and accurate to (an) ace experience, and I would be really unhappy if all ace fanworks was like those. Meanwhile, plenty of stuff I enjoy gets accusations of being fetishising.
So it would do a world of wonder for me and my experience of ace fanworks if those things could be internalised by the fandom as a whole!
Clear distinction between “being asexual” and “not interested in sex”, ”sex-repulsed” or “not having sex”
Those can and often do overlap, but the word “asexual” just means “experiencing little or no sexual attraction”!
In fanworks about an ace character, the two are generally linked and the reason a character doesn’t want to have sex tends to be that they’re ace, but the shorthand and immediate assumption that “being ace” automatically and always means “never having sex” or “hating the concept of sex” always feels a little weird to me.
This goes both ways — even if your aspec character is very sexually active and enjoys it, or if they’re demisexual and currently experiencing attraction to their partner, etc. — they’re still a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction in their daily life, they’re still aspec in a way that can be depicted and that I can be made to feel.
On AO3, widespread use of the tag “Canon Asexual Character”…
There are different views on the “correct” way to use that tag, in part because… what's the point of it? Should we use it in every single fic in which the Archivist appears, because he happens to be ace in the canon, even if it doesn’t come up in the fic?
IMO, it is helpful — it indicates to me that the author wrote their story with that character’s asexuality in mind, and it informed their writing of that character. Personally, I use it on fics where it feels “relevant” even if it doesn’t come up, such as a fic from Martin’s POV about Jon not being very touchy-feely (even though it doesn’t specify that that is because Jon is ace), but not a fic from Jon’s POV in which they’re happily living together but it’s not about the physical specifics of their relationship (even though in my head that relationship is non-sexual, but I could have written this specific fic the exact same way if Jon wasn’t ace).
The use or non-use of the tag can also simply help distinguish fanworks that were created and posted before that revelation, and did not depict that character as ace because the creator genuinely wasn’t aware of it.
… but also more detail than that, for instance: tagging the “shade of ace” the character is written as
A few examples:
#aroace Jon
#demisexual biromantic Jon
#greysexual nonbinary Jon
#sexually active kinky asexual Jon
#sex-positive low-libido Jon
#touch-averse Jon
#sex-uninterested ace demiromo Jon in happy QPR with Martin
#sex-repulsed sub Jon gets creative
#aspec Jon experiences sexual attraction for the first time and it’s for freaking Elias of all people oh God oh no
etc., etc.
Those are VERY different things! There’s some I’d be delighted to read, some I’m not interested in, and some that would actively squick me personally for personal reasons but I can think of some friends of mine that would be super happy to see it.
If you don’t know or aren’t sure of the exact terms, or if you wrote a relatively broad scenario and want to let people project any labels on it, you can also just describe what the situation is or how you depicted your character relating to things. That’s still very helpful. For instance:
#Jon doesn’t like kissing but cuddles good
#the struggle of NOT liking touching but craving intimacy
#Jon and Tim pointing at each other like spiderman meme, same hat?? how??
#Daisy and Basira have no idea how to explain their relationship and it’s none of your business
#Zolf is just tired and wants people to stop prying into his love life
etc., etc.
More awareness that there’s plenty of stuff about the ace experience that, while very common, can be squicky or even traumatic, and more tagging/warning about that
Here’s some other things that are common to the ace experience and commonly depicted in fanworks involving ace characters, and that can be genuinely upsetting and potentially triggering and traumatic, whether or not an ace person has encountered it in their own life (lots of CWs in this list, obviously):
encountering aphobia, even clueless and well-meaning
having internalised aphobia, aphobic thoughts, self-hatred, feeling broken or strange
social pressure to have sex or relationships, people being invasive or judgy about others’ love life, feeling disconnected from allo people
trying things out just to see
having sex
enjoying sex
forcing themself to have sex
referring to past sexual experiences as something that they didn’t enjoy
being emotionally pressured into having sex
wanting to please their partner despite not desiring sex
feeling an obligation to satisfy their partner
the prospect of romantic rejection for their asexuality
the idea that they must earn love
the idea that getting their boundaries respected is something exceptional and rare and an incredible sacrifice from their partner
being sexualised by someone else or the object of someone’s fantasies
wanting sex or experiencing sexual attraction for the first time
etc., etc.
Two concepts here that are both simultaneously true: 1) those are indeed very common to the real life experience of ace people, 2) it is possible to depict the ace experience without tackling any of that.
Of course, you can have all that! You can create content about that! That’s very relatable for a lot of people, and that last one, for instance, can in fact be an accurate and important depiction of demisexuality. But it’s also not a given that a fictional work about asexuality will/should depict it, and not a given that all ace people looking for ace content will want to see any item from that list. So please, give content warnings for all that, too.
It would be a tremendous help in curating and improving my experience if this could become a widespread habit — I have lost count of the amount of fics tagged as fluffy that I had to backbutton out because they suddenly threw in something really depressing that I, personally, didn’t want to see happen to a character I project on (while other readers found catharsis, validation and kinship in seeing their experience represented accurately!).
If it does come up, tags about what comes up
Beyond the content warnings for clearly traumatic stuff, is there “#Discussion of asexuality”? Is it “#Coming out as asexual”, or “#Jon discovers the existence of asexuality”? Is there “#Acephobia” (“#Accidental”? “#Casual”? “#Internalised”?)? Is there “#Explanation of asexuality to a clueless partner”, or “#Jon’s partner tells him about asexuality”? Is there “#Relationship negotiation”?
Since, again, not all aces have the same experience, odds are that some people will JUMP happily on content depicting a specific experience which they relate to... and inversely: again, there’s some of that which I personally do not relate to and actively do not want to read.
Detailed tagging is a huge help for me to figure out if a fic about asexuality is going to squick me and make me sad for the evening because ah I am weird after all even amongst my brethren, or if it’s going to be, finally, my heart’s desire, what I’ve been craving for, and make my entire week. (Sidenote, thanks to good tagging I did find the perfect QPR fic I’d been yearning to read last week and I’m still thinking about it right now and so, so, so happy.)
Making it clear when an ace character is going to be having sex — beyond just the ship tag and rating
Reminder that a fic rating alone does not necessarily mean sex! A fic tagged just “#JonMartin” and rated Explicit could have them in a relationship and then an explicitly detailed scene in which Jon dies a excruciatingly gruesome death, or a graphic scene of Martin having some solo fun, or even another character, or a sex scene between another tagged ship.
With smut involving an ace character as with everything else, there are lots of us that do want to see it (for a wide variety of reasons), and obviously there are lots of us that desperately want to avoid it (but might be in the Explicit tag looking for smut involving other ships, or horror or whump content, etc.) — please help us know whether to click or not click!
The normalisation of not expecting/forcing anyone to do things they don’t actively want to do
There’s a relatively common thing in heartwarming ace fic where the ace character is surprised that their allo partner is fine with dating without having sex and the partner goes, “I love you, of course I’m fine with that” and the ace character is all oh, oh, oh I am loved and respected, did not expect that. Or an allo character saying “That’s fine, I don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,” or “I don’t want to do anything unless you’re into it!”
And I see how it sounds nice and romantic. It probably is to many people. But it can also be extremely sinister and anxiety-inducing in its implications: what if the partner didn’t love the ace character quite that much? What did the ace character expect? If this is amazing and rare, then what was the baseline expectation? If this ace character has dated before, what were their past relationships like, for this to be surprising?
I end up running into it more in fluffy fanworks about asexuality than in fanworks that aren’t. Again — you can absolutely do that, but please tag/warn for it; even if it’s just in passing, in fluff fic it’s really not something I expect from the genre. Even though I might sometimes be specifically in the mood to read an exploration of that, in dark fic or in hurt/comfort fic!
And now for more specific stuff I wanna see in stories:
This last bit is intended as both an encouragement for people who want to create these things and think there’s no audience (there is!!), and as a box of ideas for people who have no idea how to depict the asexuality of characters but want to :3 Again, this is not in any way a statement that these are The Only Correct Way, or even things that all aspec people want to see, nor is it a diss at people who create, consume or want the exact opposite of these things — for that matter, some of the items on this list are mutually exclusive. It’s just my own tastes and literally just stuff I personally would love to see (more).
Ace character being single, happy to be single, and happily ace
Asexuality being written in but a complete non-issue, not discussed, not brought up, not even to reassure the ace character that It Is Fine
Ace character being flippant and snarky about their asexuality, making jokes and memes about it
Ace character not caring about other people’s perception of them at all
Ace character feeling only pride and happiness and comfort about that label
More than one ace character! Extra love for them having some similarities and also some differences!
Intersectionality: ace character being also aro, trans, nonbinary, bi or pan, polyamorous, kinky, a drag queen, a dom or sub, neurodivergent, disabled, non-white, … ; asexuality being just one part of their identity
Asexuality being queer and belonging to the LGBT+ community in itself; a character being cis, aro or heteroromantic, and ace, and “counting” as “queer enough”
Flirty ace character
Confident, self-comfortable ace character
Ace character considering their specific experience to be perfectly normal and not unique, if not typical
Ace character enjoying something that is commonly considered to be sexy or sexual, but it isn’t for them — such as wearing makeup or lingerie, going clubbing, pole-dancing, massages…
Ace character happily dating someone who is not aspec
I like the thought that it’s possible! I personally like this more than I like fanworks about two aspec people dating. I like it when the ace character is happy to adapt to their allo partner’s requirements and I like it when the allo character is happy to adapt to their ace partner’s requirements and I like it when there are things that just do not match perfectly and that doesn’t put an end to the relationship.
Ace character having a lot of experience dating
Partner(s) already knowing about asexuality and not needing to have it explained to them
Partners just being like “*shrug* okay”, without making it a big deal that they’re “giving up” sexual intercourse
Ace character crushing and getting flustered over physical but non-sexual aspects of their love interest’s looks
Big strong hands, nice jaw, strong nose, long eyelashes, lovely profile, silky hair, lovely eye-colour, delicate wrists, muscles, long legs, collar bone, shoulder blades, squishy stomach, peek of bellybutton, freckles, moles, scars, …
Ace character daydreaming about their love interest in ways that involve zero physical attraction, thoughts about how pretty or handsome they are, or desire to touch them
Jon pining for Martin and just wanting to talk with him, have tea with him, hang out with him… not seeing how Tim is good-looking but being attracted to his humour and nerdiness… missing his relationship with Georgie because it felt nice to cook together and share clothes and watch the telly together…
Zolf missing Hamid’s fiery passion or Wilde’s awful puns… being attracted to Cel’s liveliness and inventiveness… being charmed by Azu’s emotional intelligence or her unwavering certainty in her faith…
Smut involving an ace character
No shaming of fellow real living people about that
Not going to go into it again because plenty of us have been talking about that in this fandom for two years now — bottom line is there do exist plenty of asexual people that 1) do have sex IRL, 2) do want to consume smut, can we please, as a community, move past the “this is not smut because this character is ace!” passive-aggressive attacks already. (“I depict this character as not having sex because he’s ace and I’m ace and it makes me happy” is fine! Just don’t imply that that’s the only way to be ace and that other people are wrong to want something else.)
Ace character enjoying sex
Ace character being completely neutral about having or not having sex
Ace character disliking sex in the same way they dislike, idk, coffee. No, absolutely not, thank you, no concession, not for me, but also it’s nothing traumatic or moral or uncomfortable.
Sex being just a thing, not a big deal, having or not having it not being all that important
Ace character enjoying the concept of sex, abstractly. Ace character consuming porn, writing porn, being fine discussing sex with friends, having a dirty mind — just not wanting to be involved in it
Ace character having fantasies that disturb them
Ace character feeling arousal and being just *shrug* about it, not particularly disgusted, just uninterested
Arousal, libido, or masturbation as something different and separate from sexual attraction and desire to sleep with someone or to be touched
Ace character being kinky af
Ace character having multiple partners and different sorts of relationships with each!
Open relationships
Non-sexual romantic relationships
Queerplatonic relationships
COMMITTED!!! NON-SEXUAL AND NON-ROMANTIC!!! PARTNERSHIPS!!! AAAAAA [sobbing emoji]
Non-sexual physical intimacy
Hand-holding! Playing footsie! Cuddles! Hugging! Kissing! Super heavy making out and getting aroused but no sex! Sharing a bed! Lying on top of each other! Bathing or showering together! Giving each other a haircut or a shave! Massages! Non-sexual nudity!
Non-physical intimacy
Committed couple having separate beds/rooms! Getting married! Being in love and not kissing or touching! Loving long-distance relationships! QPR! Affection and closeness expressed through speech, gifts, services, time, shared activities — wearing each other’s clothes, cooking together, long emotional conversations, trust and secrets, love letters, post-it notes, “thought of you” gifts, celebrating anniversaries with a candle-lit dinner, co-parenting...!
Sexual situations with no touching
(CW bit detailed:)
Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, dirty talking, reading or watching porn (alone or together), consensual voyeurism like watching their partner masturbate or have sex with someone else, kink using toys and accessories or scenes but with no actual touching, …
Romanticised consent and boundaries
An asexual character being super firm about what they do not want and their allo partner being thrilled about that trust and communication!! An allosexual partner trusting their asexual partner about what they want without infantilising them or doubting their capacity to establish their boundaries! “Wait, you always say you don’t like [x]?” “Yes, but I feel like it right now, as I assumed would be pretty clear from the fact that I am doing [x] right now :w” “Hey, just checking, sue me :w” “Yes, thank you :w”
Specific boundaries
Cheek kisses but no lip kisses, no PDA, not having sex where they’re also going to sleep, needing a shower immediately after sex, lights off only, …
(CW more detailed:)
… not caring about feeling or seeing their partner’s hard-on but not wanting to do anything about it, penetration but no oral, bottoming but not topping, giving a blowjob but not having their head held, being fine with extreme acts but not liking fluids, pet names but no dirty talk, dirty talk but no pet names, happy to pleasure their partner but not wanting to be touched, not wanting to come, being only into sex as part of extreme kink but not interested in vanilla sex, …
Shifting boundaries and consent
Ace character likes kissing or cuddles but only on their terms — they will come give their partner a kiss sometimes but bristle at being touched. Today is not a kissing day. Today this ace character is a bit down and would like a lot of physical affection and cuddling. Certain areas are off-limits for touching because this ace character is sensitive on their thighs, ticklish in their ribs, self-conscious about their scars. This ace character considers their chest non-sexual so that’s fine but do not pat their butt.
Today, exceptionally, this ace character is horny and feels like banging. Ace character feels like banging sometimes but is not in the mood right now, bye. Ace character feels like banging from eight to nine pm every second Thursday of the month, catch it or miss it. Couple shares a shower every morning and it’s never meant to be a sexual thing, but today the ace one is getting aroused and hey, you know what, they’d like to get off right now. This massage is fantastic but it’s getting overwhelming, so they ask to stop (but it was great!). Ace character is intrigued about this particular scenario/position/kink and wants to try it out, they do, it’s perfectly nice, but hmm, once was enough, they’re not interested in doing it again. Ace character sexts their partner all day but by the time their partner has got home, undressed and prepared and pulled out the strap, they’ve lost interest.
♠♥ Thank you for reading all this! Hope this inspires people so I get more stuff that makes me happy! ♥♠
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Last night, I thought about trying some new things. Today, I tried it.
For @lostsouldier because I love them.
David’s not having a gay panic. He’s having a general one.
There are two things about David that most people don’t know, but probably should if they’re to be around him. The first is that he’s not a sexually motivated man, more often than not he finds himself somewhere on the asexual spectrum. He’s had sex by this point in his life, and sometimes he still wants to, but mostly he doesn’t care for it. Between the addictions, the grief he was still wearing like an overgrown coat, and his general distaste for people, he’s not about letting people close, and the idea of a casual dalliance is laughable.
The second fact one should know about David is that he’s not strictly speaking heterosexual. Because of his sexuality, or lack thereof, he’s not bound by rules of gender for partners, or he wouldn’t be if he was interested in having them.
David is a simple man. He likes cars. He likes motorcycles. He has a soft spot for cats and children and family. And, interestingly enough, he likes the aesthetics of people on rare occasion.
James Buchanan Barnes is, unfortunately enough, one of the rare people to have caught his attention. It’s not so much the physical appearance of the man, although that has a factor in it. Bucky is nice to look at, physically speaking, David’s not stupid enough to deny that. The man’s got a good face, a strong jawline, deep dark eyes and a smile that’s just a touch cynical even when he’s honestly amused. His body is… unfairly proportioned, if a little damaged by time, and even the metal prosthetic is appealing in its own way.
He likes to think he’s met his fair share of people in his life, between stints of jailtime and time spent carting children around to various child-friendly events. Bucky is like no one he’s ever met before.
He’s sharp of wit, of tongue, but plenty of people are that in this day and age. But he’s also kind, soft in a way that’s almost fragile. He’s got a way of going about life that makes David suspect he doesn’t just live off violence, but kindness as well. He’s got a way of making David feel like, at least sometimes, that he isn’t the biggest fuck up in the room, and maybe there is a little hope for him yet.
He doesn’t know how to feel about that, doubts he ever will.
But Bucky is also broken, shattered by a few lifetimes of experiences and mind fuckery that should have been the end of him many times over.
Ophelia once had taken him to a museum with the children, dragging him through exhibit after exhibit as she tried to culture her children in something more than just street justice and gang violence. David remembers little of the event, only the way she’d paused while looking at Japanese pottery.
Broken ceramic, carefully put back together. Cracks that were not disguised but made visible with dustings of gold and silver.
He honestly doesn’t remember the broken pottery until he meets Bucky. It, at the time, seemed less important than anything else he’d been going through. Growing violence, growing addictions, the slow crawl of depression.
But for some reason, he remembers it when he looks in Bucky’s eyes one afternoon. For some reason, he sees the cracks in the other man and suddenly he remembers the carefully repaired pottery. And no, he hasn’t been delicately put back together by any means, and the cracks are not dusted with gold, but rather a shiny, dark material that reminds him of gunmetal. But they’re there, visible all the same, unhidden by the other man, undisguised like so many others would have done.
David is well aware of his own cracks. They’re sharp, broken pieces made sharper by time and his own tendency to use his own wounds as a weapon. But for a moment, he gets lost in the thought that maybe there was hope to be patched back together, gaps filled in with dull metal (not gold, never gold) and made obvious but strong.
In that moment, Bucky gives him this strange inkling of hope, something that he’d never wanted or even considered before.
From there, it progresses.
The other doesn’t help him clean the pieces, but something about his presence makes David do it on his own. Piece by piece, he collects himself, puts himself back together on his own. Piece by fucking piece, he mends himself on his own, filling the cracks and gaps where pieces don’t fit together, or are missing entirely, with new memories and sensations.
It’s not fair by any means, but Bucky becomes as apart of David as David is. The little pieces of humanity and normalcy he’s offered, either intentionally or not it doesn’t matter, fill in the holes where pieces have gone missing or crumbled under the pressure of time.
In all honesty, David doesn’t realize what he’s done until months into their tedious relationship. He doesn’t realize that he’s fixed most of himself on his own until it’s five in the afternoon and he’s staring into the small beams of sunlight that come in from between the blinds on his office door, thinking about dinner and upcoming vet visits and normal life things instead of where he was going to get his next taste of a fight, or if there he had enough time to get drunk before going home.
It’s terrifying. It’s exhilarating.
David doesn’t know what to do with himself.
So, no, he’s not having a gay panic.
He is however, having a sudden and very ordinary one.
( He’s not fixed entirely by any means, or at least at first. He still drinks until Bucky makes him want to stop. He still pops pills until he’s convinced that maybe dying choking on his own vomit from an overdose is an entirely abdominal way to go. He still threatens violence against Bucky until he doesn’t. Life goes on. David learns to live again. )
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Asexual Black Sails Headcanons
I saw multiple characters as falling on the asexual spectrum. I’m sure plenty of you will disagree with me and that’s okay. As an asexual (specifically demi) person myself, I reserve the right to latch on to any HINT of asexuality, considering we rarely, if ever, get actual characters who are asexual in any way in the actual canon of anything. These are the ones that I, personally, saw hints of. I will list them by where I see them on the ace spectrum.
Again, these are MY opinions and no one has to agree with me.
ABSOLUTELY ACE [no interest shown at all]
Billy “we don’t need a fuck tent” Bones: Need I say more? He said that way back in Season 1 (when I still liked him) and I was like, “that’s the acest thing I’ve ever heard.” He had no storylines that made me question this, either, even if I ended up unhappy with his character in general by the end. Doesn’t change the fact that I continued seeing him as ace. Maybe that’s why I never fully hated him, even with the shit he pulled in the end.
GRAY-ACE [some interest in certain situations, but not all the time]
Jack Rackham: He is in a long-term relationship with Anne, yet their sex scenes always seemed to be initiated by Anne. Though he never seemed to object, he also never seemed to seek it out himself. I feel like this also contributed to him eventually being okay with Anne having a sexual relationship with Max - after his adjustment period. His issues with that at the beginning never seemed to stem from an idea of infidelity but with him not trusting Max’s motives.
DEMISEXUAL [interested once an emotional bond is formed]
Long John Silver: Despite the fact that I never actually LIKED him, I still saw him as demi from Season 1 after Max, while holding that schedule page against him, made the comment of, “a hole for every finger on your hand and you still wouldn’t take you eyes off this.” To which my response was, “yeah I fucking feel that.” Then there were a few other scenes of him conducting the schedule business in the brothel and completely not recognizing or caring that he was in a brothel, to the extent of declining sexual offers. His thing with Madi didn’t happen until they’d developed a working partnership and gotten to know each other. As far as the plot shows, it wasn’t until they were back at the camp at some point that it happened, not while they were bonding.
James McGraw/Captain Flint: Miranda literally had to CONVINCE HIM. One could argue he only got involved with her because he was actually interested in Thomas and she was the closest he felt he was going to get. One could also argue social status and all that very important stuff for the time. Yet how many books and shows and movies show characters getting into sexual relationships even when they know they probably shouldn’t? How many people in the real world do it? If sex is something important to a person, that person doesn’t ignore that need for very long. He spent months getting to know them first, and then, later, is never shown to be involved with anyone BUT them. I argue he didn’t let his guard down enough for the emotional bond he would have needed to have a sexual relationship with anyone else. He kept some kind of self-preservation barrier up even against Silver.
Anyway these are my asexual ideas. There probably were others, but since these were some of the biggest characters, I really felt that insight and those hints the most.
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don’t reblog this maybe but this intracommunity aro/aspec discourse has really highlighted how my experiences with being aroace differ from the majority of the aroace community and it makes me. uncomfy.
(I was gonna do the following section in the tags but it got too long so. enjoy the rambly post I guess.)
It’s so weird too??? In almost all ways, I’m the most stereotypical aroace to have ever aroaced; I’m sex- and romance repulsed, I do not want either sexual or romantic relationships, I want a qpr (I realize that wanting a qpr is not the norm outside of aro communities, but this assumption does kind of tend to exist within aro communities, although from what I’ve seen that has certainly died down), I found out I was ace in my late teens and figured out I was aro a year or two after that, I do not nor have I ever experienced any type of romantic or sexual attraction (aka I’m not gray-ace or gray-aro), I’m not an oriented aroace, etc.
Unlike with my trans/nb identity I tend to actually relate to the wider aroace community; it’s by far the easiest queer identity I have because I generally fall within the parameters of what’s ‘expected’ of an aroace 99% of the time. There’s really only two major exceptions:
I do not find it difficult to distinguish between my aromanticism and my asexuality. They are not the same for me. I see my asexuality and aromanticism as two separate identities that just so happen to coincide.
I consider my aromanticism to be a LOT more important than my asexuality. Really I’m more aro(ace) than aroace if you get what I mean.
And BOY are those differences highlighted by the recent discourse.
Like, I know that to aroaces who already feel alienated by the aroace community this must seem eye-roll-worthy, and I acknowledge how lucky I am that I (mostly) managed to feel safe and comfortable in the aroace community (albeit it more on the aro side of things than on the ace side), but like??? I’m really unused to feeling so alienated from the aroace community and it’s uhhhh unfun.
But honestly in this discourse? I just cannot at all relate to or get behind the aroace community’s approach to it. I don’t feel threatened by the idea that we might have a complete separation from the ace community. As a matter of fact, that’s what I want. If it were up to me and I didn’t have to take the feelings of anyone else into account, I’d want a complete separation between the ace and aro communities. I’d want to maintain strong ties between the communities, obviously, but I’m so fucking tired of being grouped together with the ace community. I want the aro community to be able to stand on its own as the ace community’s equal, not their younger sibling who still needs guidance. I want us to be our own thing without relying on the ace community at all. I want a complete separation of asexuality and aromanticism.
I acknowledge, however, that this is likely not practical. There are too many aroaces tying us together, and we share too much history. It would be unfair to aroaces who cannot separate their aromanticism and asexuality and/or just don’t want to choose like that to just implement a complete schism without regard for consequences. I acknowledge that. I still want it.
It’s not that I hate the ace community. I really don’t. I honestly don’t feel as bitter towards it as a lot of the aro community seems to. I really think that the ace community is one of the most welcoming communities I’ve ever been in; they helped me understand my asexuality in a way that lifted me up and made me secure in it, and I’m really thankful to them for helping me through that vulnerable time. I think that it’s amazing what the ace community has managed to achieve in such little time; barely a decade ago, we were nothing, and now, we are steadily on our way to becoming a widely recognized sexuality, with well-organized groups and clear objectives. It’s seriously impressive.
At the same time, however, they royally screwed up my aro education, to the point where even though I was very, VERY clearly aromantic I was extremely hesitant to adopt the label, and it wasn’t until I actually managed to get involved in the aro community via a mutual that I actually started embracing it; in fact, before I talked to that mutual, I was really only peripherally aware of the existence of an aro community. I did not understand what a qpr was. I did not understand how the aromanticism was a spectrum, or know any aro identities outside of aro, gray-aro, and demiro (it was thanks to another mutual that I got off my initial high horse about greyro identities and actually started researching them with an open mind, by the way. I’m still definitely not perfect and consider them to be my largest blind spot in the aro community, but at least I’m trying to learn). I was not aware of any aspects of aro culture, or at least they didn’t register (white ring, arrows, etc. etc). And those were really just minor things.
The big kicker for me is that, honestly, my experience with the way the ace community treated aromanticism was. kinda different from what most aros seem to have experienced. Maybe it’s the people I interacted with, the blogs I followed, idk, but whatever it is, I got the impression that my aromantic traits were part of my asexuality. I never really felt like the ace community was pushing the ‘aces can love!’ message too hard; instead, I got the opposite. I got posts joking about how aces don’t get crushes. About how aces are annoyed with romantic subplots. I got essays written where the author stated that they don’t feel romantic attraction because they are asexual. I got posts about how characters who said “I don’t understand/want romance” are ace. I got ace activists who talked about being aroace without ever mentioning the ‘aro’ part, or who mentioned it in passing at best, and who often still positioned themselves as authorities on aromanticism despite that. All the time that I’ve spent in the ace community, and I consistently saw asexuality conflated with aromanticism. I still see it every time I go into the ace community. It’s why I’m not active in it anymore.
As a result, I did not understand the impact that my aromanticism had my life, or even that I was aromantic at all; I got the impression that all my aro traits could be ascribed to my asexuality. As a result, I spent a long time identifying as a non-SAM-using ace, then as an aroace who strongly favored their asexuality, and then an aroace who didn’t think their aromanticism could be separated from their asexuality. But, as I have stated earlier in this essay, I can separate them. Very easily, even. I just didn’t have the proper tools yet to identify my aromanticism. This was also the reason why I thought my asexuality was more important; I didn’t have the proper tools to recognize my aromanticism, and with that, the effect it had on my daily life.
(Disclaimer: I’m obviously not saying that all aroaces who consider their aromanticism to be part of their asexuality, or who can’t distinguish between them, or who favor their asexuality are going to have the same experience that I did. Plenty of aroaces won’t. I’m just talking about a personal experience.)
The ace community screwed up my aro education by failing to recognize that aromanticism is not a facet of asexuality. While the ace community loves to remind everyone that aces can still feel romantic attraction, they are blindsided to the fact that aros can still feel sexual attraction. That aromanticism is not inherently tied to asexuality, and that the experiences of aroaces who cannot seperate their aromanticism and their asexuality aren’t universal in the aro community by any means.
I can forgive the ace community for not educating me on things coined by or primarily used by aros, such as qpr’s, aro culture elements, and greyro identities. They are not required to keep up with every step that our community takes. I cannot forgive them for failing to provide me with basic information on aromanticism other than the acknowledgement that it existed, for consistently conflating aromanticism and asexuality, for failing to give me the proper resources to figure out my aro identity, when we are supposed to be ‘connected’ communities.
TL;DR: my aro education got severely fucked up by the assumption that all aros are asexual, and if it hadn’t been for a complete fluke of striking up a conversation with someone who happened to be involved in the aro community, I might have never been able to properly appreciate or recognize my aromanticism.
You can see how these experiences kind of overlap with those of allo aros. Obviously, they’re not the same, like at all, but the fact of the matter is that I can relate to the bitterness that allo aros feel towards the ace community. Often a lot more than I can relate to aroaces’ feelings towards the ace community, be they negative or positive.
And because of those experiences, you can see why I’m distrustful of letting the ace community stay intrinsically connected to the aro community. They are larger, and therefore have a louder voice and more reach; if we, as aros, don’t grow on our own, outside of the ace community’s shadow, I’m genuinely unsure of whether we’ll ever be able to reach our full potential. Because as it stands, the majority of aros will need to go through the ace community first, and I think they’ve sufficiently proven to be wholly inadequate in providing aros resources to figure out their aromanticism. And frankly? I don’t want the ace community to be the primary educators on aromanticism. That’s a recipe for disaster no matter what. I want the aro community to be the go-to place for information on aromanticism, and that can only happen if we are as loud, as big as the ace community.
I don’t relate to a lot of aroaces’ torn feelings between the ace community and the aro community, because in my case, that choice was made a long time ago: it’s the aro community. It will always be the aro community. While I’m thankful towards the ace community for sheltering me when I was vulnerable, and while I will always stand with them if they need to fight against assholes or need to spread awareness, and while I’ll probably never really drop the ace label and will occasionally participate in ace-centric discussions, they are not my priority, because I was never theirs. There is no love lost between me and the ace community. My aromanticism is the part of me that is most prominent in day-to-day life, and it’s what I consider to be the most important because of that; the aro community is tiny still, struggling to gain recognition and find a direction, and it needs my support more than the ace community ever did.
Furthermore, in this discussion, I strongly believe that the aro community needs to prioritize the feelings of allo aros, and other non-asexual aros and aros who do not feel comfortable in the ace community for other reasons. While we aroaces are definitely important and should obviously have a say in the way the community is heading (I mean. Duh. We’re aro), I’m uncomfortable with aroaces taking charge of community conversations because I feel like that’s just a repeat of what’s been happening in the wider aspec community for a long, long time: ace people taking charge, leaving less-recognized aros in the dust. Obviously, a large part of that is due to my own personal experiences with aces talking over aros for the majority of my aro education, and I’m (perhaps irrationally) scared that the same thing is going to happen here. But a large part of it is also due to the fact that, as is, aroaces are the largest voice in the aro community; this is an undeniable fact. It would be easy, way too easy, for us to unknowingly drown out the voices of allo aros, when we should be amplifying them and giving them a place of honor. The ace community’s problems with aromanticism affect non-asexual aros the most and in unique ways, and I feel like they should be leading the discussion surrounding it no matter what, really.
But I feel kind of like a traitor to aroace people because of this. My needs for the aro community obviously don’t align with that of other aroaces; I’d be willing to let relationships with the ace community burn entirely if it meant securing a spot for the aro community, which would obviously fuck over aroaces who DO need the ace community and want to participate in it, and aroaces who just simply aren’t capable of separating their aromanticism from their asexuality. I just fundamentally cannot relate to those needs and the feelings that come along with it. I just can’t.
As a result, aside from reblogging some posts, I’ve been mostly quiet about my personal opinions on the topic. I do not feel like I’m the right person to be involved in this discourse; as an aroace, I have too much emotional baggage surrounding the ace community to advocate for their needs and I have been absent from the ace community for too long to have a good grasp on it anyway; and as an aromantic plain and simple, I do not feel like I should be leading this charge anyway because of my asexuality. While I find it bad to split the aro community in terms like that (I don’t believe that this discourse is a simple matter of aroaces vs. allo aros; it’s much more complicated than that, and I’ve seen aroaces and allo aros supporting each other, and of course there’s also non-SAM-aros and greyros/grayaces to consider in this discourse, which I haven’t really seen come up yet aside from a handful of posts), it really does often feel like this is the split around which the discourse is centered. And it sucks to not easily be able to identify with either ‘side’, and to lose the security I thought I had in the (aro-leaning side of the) aroace community.
This is probably the last I’m going to say on this intracommunity issue on my own; I’ll be reblogging posts and watching it go down, but I don’t feel like I’m in any way equipped to really have meaningful say in this discourse. I might change my mind later on, but as of now, this is where I stand: confused, mainly.
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