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tlonista · 4 months

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Astarion fic recs, Batch 2

Thanks so much to everyone who had kind words for my Astarion fic rec list! My habit continues unabated so I wanted to throw out another little batch of mostly recent, mostly hurt/comfort-oriented Astarion-centric fanfic that I liked. As before there's references to Astarion's past abuse and assault so mind the AO3 tags.

Anyway happy holidays fellow pale elf fans, pls tip me off if you watched the latest Larian animated short and felt moved to write about shivering blanket-wrapped Astarion sitting on Karlach's lap.

Incomplete Multi-Chapter:

The Friends We Meet in the Dark by Copaline

Astarion is captured by monster hunters while spiraling over how to earn Tav's affections. Second in a series, but can be read standalone; one of two chapters posted. Big fan of its protective f!Tav, and there's some fun banter with the rest of the gang.

I Don't Know You Yet by thbreakofdawn

Nicely executed modern Bloodweave social media (text messages and Twitter) AU. Astarion is a sex worker and Gale is a grad student struggling with his relationship to his girlfriend Mystra, and they strike up a text-only friendship after a random connection. Very effective use of the multimedia format.

If the Cross on the Door Doesn't Scare You by Aylwyyn228

Sweet, angsty "Astarion starves in the Shadow-Cursed Lands because he's too scared to ask for blood" fic with the added turn of Gale guessing exactly what's happening, but being too toxic-blooded to actually help unless Astarion tells the others about his vampirism.

a half-blown rose by winter_writes

Astarion's "Tav didn't kill Cazador" dialogue in the Patch 5 Epilogue is one of the saddest things in the game, and I'm so excited to see writers running with it. In this fic Astarion was recaptured by Cazador post-game and then finally freed thanks to a fire... but he's terribly injured in the aftermath and ashamed to have his ex-lover see him. Only one chapter so far but I'm a big fan.

death by rock & roll by falco_c

This hasn't been updated in a while and Astarion hasn't actually appeared in it yet, but I'm throwing it in as a bonus because I really love its Almost Famous-y music industry AU vibe. Its translation of the tadpole ensemble into rock-and-roll burnouts, featuring in-world interviews, is absolutely delightful.

One-Shots:

Untitled by trulycertain (Tumblr-only)

It's spawn Astarion realizing he can turn into a bat and flying around and getting tired with Tav around, that's it, that's the fic. Completely adorable fluff. But "Is this what it’s meant to be like? Being a spawn? Not a starved slave?" kills me.

Family by sword_and_lance

Astarion goes to see his family after being turned, and Cazador cements his control over Astarion by offering him some scraps of comfort in the painful aftermath. It's short and restrained and chilling and so so sad.

Pointy Ears by SpaceBarbarianWeird

Yes another fluffy fic, what am I coming to. But who doesn't want to read about Astarion rediscovering trust by letting Tav touch his sensitive pointy ears with some brief digressions into elven social norms and gift-giving.

Complete Multi-Chapter:

Desperate Measures by Asidian

One of the fics that inspired "If the Cross" above, and one of my favorite "Astarion in the Shadow-Cursed Lands" pieces. Very good at balancing a sympathetic take on the character with him being, like canon Astarion, deceptive and a little bit abrasive when cornered. Plus bonus fun with Scratch.

this is a gift (it comes with a price) by ryttu3k

A post-game Ascended Astarion fic in which AA is literally soulless and knows it, and his sometimes-lover Duke Wyll Ravengard discovers over a series of nighttime visits that he secretly hates it. One of my favorite Ascension fics in part because, intentionally or not, it feels weirdly true to the experience of depressive anhedonia?

The Light of the Seven by Verelia

@reddenmore mentioned this one in the tags on my last fic rec list and I wholeheartedly agree; it's a real good Szarr Spawn Family character study delving into the backstory and personality of each of Cazador's "children," including Astarion.

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #fic recs

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tjalexandernyc · 1 month

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⭐ Writing Update ⭐

For the first time in almost a year, I’m working on a first draft in a serious manner! Last year was a little wild—I had two books come out within 6 months of each other, so the editing was pretty nonstop while I drafted Triple Sec. That was tough, on top of dealing with more depression than usual. I had made the choice to put my nose to the grindstone and knew it was going to be hard but ~the sadness and terror~ makes everything harder and does not keep to a well-planned schedule. The predictable result was burnout! I learned where my limits are and I learned I can’t just work harder and hope to magically get out of the swamp. Breaks are good. (Every Catholic bone in my body is trying to stop me from typing that sentence, so let’s repeat it. Breaks! Are! Good!!!) I don't know how helpful it is for me to know that about myself; publishing schedules are determined waaaaaaay in advance, so there's not a whole lot I can do if I'm on deadline and realize I'm about to hit that wall. The only real solution, I guess, is to not be on deadline constantly, but that means I'm not getting paid, which is its own kind of stress.

Anyway, I’m excited to be starting something new. At the moment, it's just me and my silly idea. Hopefully you get to see it some day. But if not, it'll still mean a lot to me as the thing I did to practice getting back on the horse.

#my books #am writing

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ivoncu · 1 year

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SORRY IF TBIS AENDS TWICE LMAO ANYWAY I WAS THE ANON THAT SEND THE QUESTION ABOUT THE REQUEST UHH HERE IT IS (FEEL FREE TO WRITE IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF U WANNA AUAUAU)

so rei with a friend (they have a crush on rei but hasnt confessed yet) thats an idol too !!! cool, right??? readers group is finishing a concert, ending with a song where reader is the main vocals (which is pretty rare for em,, i was thinkin something like this) and the day after the concert reader goes missing, and the rest of their group is oddly quiet about it,, and then rei accidentally stumbles upon them like a month later?? reader ends up confessing they cut off contact with everyone except their group and hasnt left their house because they were getting stressed,, and end up confessing that they like rei,,,

FEEL BETTER S. REI

〝 ☆ 𓈒 SYPNOSIS 𝄒 sometimes you feel like giving up on your dreams and die

〝 𓈒 CONTENT WARNING 𝄒 descriptive implications of reader being depressed, self loathing, if theres anything else i missed please let me know!!

(n.) — note hihi its been a while since i posted anything huh.. this fanfic is fucking long and unproofread so ignore if i did grammatical mistakrs or someyhibg... i am sorry for making you wait for a whole month for something likr this cesarsbeloved merry christmas 🤗

Everything starts and ended in a flash—you are starting to wonder whether any of these are real in the first place.

You used to like being on stage like this; singing your hearts out with your unitmates, trying to capture as many peoples attention as possible.

But these past few days, you feel nothing but dread whenever you're on stage. Is it burnout or are you really not that into being an idol anymore? You didn't know either.

And shouldn't you do your best since that Rei Sakuma had actually agreed to hold this concert with you—the esteemed UNDEAD with a unit such as yours. What an unlikely joint of events.

Well, it's all coming to an end anyways. You've decided to give everybody something they haven't seen before in a while, but would they like it?

You're sure that your other unitmate could hold this off better than you—hell, their voice is better than yours anyways. Why did they even agree to let you do this?

There isn't any room for regret now, the show's coming to a close. With a heavy heart, you sang. Your skips a thousand beats a minute; there was nobody to cover up your mistakes, nobody to help you. Even if they could, it'll be too late and you'd already embarrass yourself in front of the huge crowds.

Well at least UNDEAD isn't currently on stage to see you fail first hand, you suppose.

This is just terrible, this is why you don't like being the main vocal.

Your song surprisingly went right, nothing terrible happens but there's still something that looms behind you—some sort of sense of shame?

The moment you walked off stage, you instantly ran towards the bathroom.

The tap water sinking into the drainer was nothing but another white noise to you. All of your thoughts and emotions are whirling inside of you—it all felt so overwhelming to the point where you're sure you can break the edge of the sink that seemed like you're holding onto dear life to.

You wouldn't say you're insecure about how you look, but you'd be lying if you said it's not hard trying to look at yourself in the mirror right now.

Sometimes you simply wish you could look like someone else; someone prettier and more talented than what you are right now it's going to drive you to the edge.

Oh, and how you wish you could punch the mirror right now.

This isn't right, you should remain your composure. You've worked so hard for this, have you not?

But do you truly deserve it?

You shook your head, trying to regain your composure once again. It's terrible that you just ran off like that—they're all probably worried about you.

Your lips formed a thin line as you looked at yourself in the mirror dead in the eye. You only scoffed before closing the tap, preventing anymore water waste. You felt like you should apologize to whoever was paying this place's water bill for wasting water.

But nonetheless, you remained your composure. Your thoughts are all repressed to the back of your head; at least for now.

You unlocked the bathroom door, and opened the door. You didn't expect to see anything the moment you open the door, but to your surprise none other than Rei Sakuma himself was standing afoot, his hands behind his back as he did nothing but smiled.

"Ah... Sakuma-san...?" You stuttered, suddenly gripping onto the doorknob for dear life. "D-did I made you wait for too long...? Aha, sorry if I did." You sheepishly apologized, closing the door behind you.

"Ah, no. I was simply waiting for you to come out."

"So.. Like... You wanted to go to the bathroom?"

"Fufu, as I had previously stated; no. I was concern over your wellbeing, thus followed you here." He chuckled.

It's really... Surprising, indeed. Why would the Rei Sakuma be so worried over your wellbeing? And what did he even expect you to do in there?

"Thank you, Sakuma-san." You thanked, unsure on what to do other than that.

"There's no need for formalities; we're friends, aren't we? You can just call me Rei-kun ♪"

"Rei... Kun, huh?" You muttered out the name. You couldn't help but smile at his words, even you could feel your cheeks heating up.

"[Name], shall we go back to the others now?" He asks, his smile never falters even slightly as he nudges his head to the direction the others are, you suppose.

If you weren't blushing before, you are absolutely blushing right now.

"... Sure." You replied. You still wanted to keep your composure, you didn't want to seem weird over such simple friendly gesture.

But that was so embarrassing...?? Why'd he call your name like that??

"Well, Sakuma—urm, Rei-kun. Was there another reason for you to do this?" You ask, walking alongside him as you passed by workers who were doing their job to finish cleaning up for the day.

"You're sharp, indeed." He smiled, turning his head to you, "I did notice something rather unusual about your performance just now—by no means I am trying to say it's terrible; I am simply rather curious. About you, specifically." He continues his monologue before his gaze falls upon you once again.

"You weren't acting like yourself, were you?" He asked, his tone sounded nonchalant over such question—too casual, is that the word?

His question is also ridiculous. You don't know what he means. No idols by all means truly act like themselves on stage, do they? It's just ridiculous.

"Fanservice, sultry clothes to keep the fans hooked—shouldn't you understand it, Rei-kun? You're an idol; an esteemed one, that is." You sighed, shaking your head. "I am sure even you don't want to reveal all part of yourself to the public, so isn't it... Quite a hypocritical question to ask?"

"It isn't about fanservice and whatnot, it's about how you acted so indifferently than the others; you looked sad, [Name]."

"... Please don't try to poke your nose into something you aren't apart of." Your tone was something of an angry whisper more than anything. You gritted your teeth, your hands curled into balls as you look away from him.

"Of course I wil not, that is something I am not qualified to do, but do well remember that we all love and care for you." Suddenly, his hands were on top of your shoulders.

His grip on your shoulders were firm—so warm for a self proclaimed vampire. His smile was so gentle too.

"I will not force you to tell me about your problems, but if you ever need someone to talk to please remember that I'm always available." With that, his hands left your shoulders, and thus he turned his back on you, leaving you there.

He stopped on his tracks and glanced back at you, he suavely smiled at you with a wave before he walks once again. "Don't be too late, alright? Your unitmates must be worried sick about you."

Perhaps you should've listened to his advices, but are you going to? No.

It's been... Months? Since you last saw Rei, you hadn't even went outside for a while. You feel so dirty for not doing so, the only source of light in your room was from the computer screen.

Your whole place is a mess, but you felt no motivation to clean up; no motivation to do anything anymore, not even to eat.

Your phone was left with thousands of unread messages from your immediate family, all voicing their concern about your sudden disappearance, but you knew they all had ulterior motive and didn't bother—you just can't bother anymore.

Your friends had been understanding of your situation, but you had allowed none to go inside your apartment—either way, it's pretty disgusting.

You soon lean back onto your chair, feeling nothing but eternal dread. How did you end up like this...? You used to be so bright and cheerful. How did you turn into a loser who hasn't seen the sun in weeks?

You want to change, you want... To go outside for a change. You haven't hanged out with your friends in a while, you want to hang out with them again, you wanna laugh with them again.

But do you even have the motivation to even put a deodorant on? You must smell pretty disgusting for not showering in a while. Ah, you'll just force yourself to.

You didn't really think too much about what to wear. You simply put on whatever clothes that was the closest to you. A hoodie and a tracksuit, it's fine. It's starting to get chilly outside anyways.

You grabbed your phone and other essentials before going to unlock the door. You stare back at your apartment, sighing through your nose at the ugly sight. Alas, you left.

The leaves are starting to fall down, the atmosphere is starting to get colder—the winter days are near. Ah, just what happened to fall?

You felt terrible; you've made so many plans with your friends this fall but only to end up standing them up like this. But surely they understand, right?

And how is Rei doing today? Does he miss you?

... Why would you even want to know. Him missing you or not is the least of your concern. You should be trying to fix your life that's in shambles right now, not think of that bastard.

Your attention focused on the cobblestone path, silently passing by different people with different lives—ah, how you envy them. They are all probably living a normal, comfortable life with their loved ones.

A normal life without needing to overthink about the simplest mistakes you make and even if they did, they'd come back home with someone to comfort them. How envious you are of them, really.

You shook your head, trying to shake those loathing thoughts away. Ah, must you really think of that right now? Just focus on... Trying to interact with another human being or something.

You continued afoot; to where? Not that you have a peculiar place in mind to go, but the park is always the prettiest in times like these. Maybe you should go there.

And thus you followed with your idea. The moment you were in the park, you covered your your lower face with your scarf. There was so many people here, it'd be a terrible thing if someone were to find out you're here.

You doubt everybody thinks you're dead, but still. Being caught in a park like this would be embarrassing.

From where you were standing, you could already see the lake frozen up as the atmosphere grows colder around you—the snows are piling up at the side of the pathways, much enough for children to already start playing with it.

The laugher goes through your ear and left the other as you further walked near the railing of the lake.

Christmas is near... You wish you could spend it with your friends and family this year, but you don't think you can after going on a sudden unplanned hiatus like this.

A rather melancholic feelings arisen within you. Ah, this is just terrible. You grip on the railing tighter, trying not to let a single tear fall.

From the corner of your eyes, a man came a close, leaning on the railing also besides you. The distance between you two is big, but it still felt awkward nonetheless.

"Christmas... It's the most wonderful time of the year, don't you think so?" The man asks. You would've just nodded or replied with a short yes like any other person would, but his voice. He isn't just some random guy—his voice was rather familiar.

You look over to your side to see the Rei Sakuma standing right beside you.

Wait, how did he know you're here? Or does he genuinely think you're a random person? Wait, what are you even supposed to do now?

Should you show your identity to him? Should you just pretend to not know him? What should you do?

"I-I guess." You coughed, pulling on your scarf farther onto your face as you glance away from the man.

He would be lying if he said he didn't knew it was you, but you don't seem to be too ready to disclose everything from the looks of it, so he'll just pretend; he'll simply pretend that you both are nothing but strangers by lucky circumstances.

"The snow... Does it remind you of anything, may I ask?" His question was a weird one. Well, it's Rei Sakuma... He is known to be an eccentric, so you suppose his questions are oughtta be eccentric too.

"... Well, I suppose it takes me back to when I was a dumb kid, playing the snow with my friends." You responded, smiling fondly at the memory. "My friend accidentally hit me with a snow so hard I accidentally fell and slipped down and hurt my head. Funny story."

"Fufu, that is a wonderful story. It brings back many nostalgic memories of me and my little brother in the past."

"I suppose." You replied once again.

Soon silence followed. The lack of conversation made the situation awkward, for you at least. There was white noise of children laughing and people talking, but it doesn't matter.

"I have a question for you, if you don't mind answering it." He suddenly spoke, his gaze didn't stray away from the distant buildings and his smile stays the same.

"Ah...? Go on?"

"Whenever you think of Christmas, does anyone come to mind? Christmas is a wonderful time of the year; even you have someone who you cherish deeply, no?"

You stayed silent. To him, his silence says it all.

"Ah, my apologies. A rather rude question to ask someone whom you've just met, huh?" He tried to damage control everything. "I apologize again, stranger. You must have somewhere else to go."

He pushed himself away from the railing, and soon turned his back on you. It reminds you all like that moment you shared with him on your last show.

"Until we meet again, kind stranger." He turned his head back to you for one last time.

Before he could leave, you instantly grab ahold of his biceps. His smile never falters yet you can see the confused look on his face.

"Sakuma Rei-kun. Please don't leave yet." You brought your scarf down, flashing him your face for a few moment.

"Ah, [Name]-chan. It's been a long time, hasn't it?" He asks, flashing you a closed eye smile as if he did not just try to pretend that you both are nothing but strangers.

"How did you know I was here?" Was your first question to him before you let go of his arm.

"I did not. It was simply a coincidence." His response deadpanned you mentally. "Perhaps even God has decided we'd be more a fit to be together and brought us in the same path once again...?" He chuckled at his own unfunny joke.

Your heart skipped a beat at his statement. Well, that was simply just a joke. He likes to tease around, yeah. It's a joke, don't get your hopes too high...

"I'm sorry for disappearing. I... Should've told you sooner that I'd be on hiatus, huh? Well, sorry. I'm a bad friend; if you even think of me as one..."

"No, don't fret over it, [Name]. I was concern about your sudden disappearance, but I'm sure you have your own reasons—whatever it is, I truly do hope that it's settled."

"I have been so lonely without you, you know? Without my best friend beside me, just who will I tease otherwise?"

"You are not funny, Rei-kun." You replied.

"Fufu, alright, alright. I'm sorry." He apologized, yet the chuckle he lets out says otherwise.

"But it has truly been a while, [Name]. I'd like to know more about everything that happened during your disappearance. Shall we grab a cup of hot tea?"

"Nothing happened. I was just fighting my own demons during my hiatus, I guess."

"Oh? Are you saying you summoned a demon during your break?" He asks, looking genuinely confused at your statement.

"It's... A slang." You muttered out.

"Ah, I see. What a weird slang, fufu. Perhaps I'll ask the children about it later." He chuckles, leaving you dumbfounded yourself.

You couldn't help but chuckle at his own words. Seriously, this guy such an eccentric.

An "I love you..." suddenly rolled down your tongue before you could even realize it.

Silence soon followed once again. You weren't sure whether you said that loudly or not, but the look on his face says the former.

"You... Love me?" He asks, bringing his hand to his chin as his cheeks were tainted with pink hues.

"Uhm, no... I didn't say—uhm, you're dreaming. Nothing about this is real." You stammered out, trying to hide the fact that you're far more than embarrassed that you accidentally confessed to him.

"Fufu, there's no need to be embarrassed about it, in fact; I do love you too."

Those words that rolled down his tongue, it was... Too surreal, you suppose? No way the Rei Sakuma from the unit UNDEAD would like—no, love you back, right?

What a strange turn of events.

#ensemble stars x reader #enstars x reader #rei sakuma x reader

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the-nysh · 1 year

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Started watching Mob Psycho 100. About 5 episodes in and yeah, I get why this show is so popular. It's good, even real good, so far. Mob is a good protagonist and the animation has been really impressive.

I also recently started reading One Punch Man and it's fine. I like the art and every now and again it gives me a chuckle. But ultimately I think OPM has a fairly conservative world view that makes me hard to enjoy it as anything more than easy fluff. It's all about the power of the individual and has some really questionable class politics in places. I know it's not intended for a deep read, but I can't help it. I'm glad I'm reading it through the library instead of buying individual volumes. I think I'm like 21 volumes into it.

Back to MP100, I'm still early so I can't say for sure yet, but I feel like it is the better written and realized of the two. I'm a sucker for the monster-of-the-week style format and so far it has been nailing while also developing the characters pretty well.

I gotta say, I'm impressed. I'm usually pretty cautious around checking out popular things since I tend to not enjoy them. So far that's not the case here.

Hmm...I'd say this is probably something better shared on your own blog, especially after I recently discussed how people reading opm at face value while writing it off as shallow fluff is a very unfortunate thing. (There's also no need to sporadically check it thru the library, likely with the dumbed down viz translations mis-marketing it as 'safe' for 12yr olds, when the entire fan archive exists. Also season one is there if you prefer watching.)

Because if you are armed with the knowledge of mp100, then you should be able to recognize ONE's exact same themes within opm, just explored and addressed from the other side of the spectrum. Mp100 just happens to be more straightforward and obvious about it since it's a shonen. But you have to look closer in opm (which is a seinen) - think about why ONE would be presenting some very fucked up things thru the levity and ironic lens of Saitama's pov. Because I guarantee you ONE's not 'supporting' those things you listed. The importance of human connections, emotions, and meaningful relationships in a crapsack world on the brink of humanity's very extinction cannot be understated; thinking that means 'individual power above all else' is the complete opposite of what the story's actually about. Because time and again, power isn't everything, and more often than not, it comes with the monkey's paw curse of being not what the character(s) thought they wanted.

So these are adult characters, dealing and fumbling with adult problems such as ennui, burnout, depression, disillusionment, alienation, emptiness, and loneliness in a hostile world where it's a daily struggle to even live. Where suffering and increasing monsterization go hand in hand. Now think about how this might be very relevant and closely resonate with adult readers struggling thru the very same things. :O Who see opm's characters as some of their biggest healing comforts. (And personally, this is why I prefer opm for its adult cast.) So you can have preferences too and choose to read opm at face value, but at most you're only getting about 30% of the story enjoyment out of it that way. I'd say continue to enjoy mp100, but don't let that hastily affect your judgment in writing off opm's merits either. :'D

#opm #mp100 #anonymous #replies #unfortunately the official viz tls don't do opm any favors #in making it seem worse than it is (since they cut so many corners)

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ihavetheblues96 · 2 years

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I woke up deciding to better myself for the trillionth time :)

So I woke up today deciding I'll better myself for the trillionth time. Now before you think this is some enlightening post of hope and self recreation. Do not. You'll be completely disappointed. Sorry because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I have all the reasons and some motivation I just don't know where to go from here and I need an outlet. So maybe we can figure this out together or most likely I'll be here writing to myself and that's fine too. I always wanted to be a writer but that didn't happen, I also wanted to be a marine biologist but being honest with myself sounds like a good step in this. so today my thing is honesty? or self-honesty. I hate complicated things I'm completely forgetful and honestly wouldn't have made it through college or afforded it and most likely would be burnout. I want a lot of things and dream about the things I want to, see, and do, and have fantasies of made-up colors and adventure scenes in my head but what's real, and what is an attempt from my mind trying to distract me from my depression? I have no reason to be completely depressed. I am clinically diagnosed not that anyone knows. well, now you know. I hate medicines that make me feel fogged up I can't think like that maybe that is the point though. I've made it these 20something years so I'm sure I don't need them too badly. By the way, I am clinically diagnosed not just whining. I feel like I need to clarify so I don't get chewed out. But why is my head like this? my life is not terrible I have 3 loving kids that keep me going a husband I love and 2 real friends. My family is pretty fucked up and complicated but I can't blame that for myself or my brain structure. I guess I'm just fucked up and that's the fine cause aren't we all in some way or form? My actions and thought are completley diffrent from each other. im overly sensitive and my biggest critic as well as my biggest bully. Do i hate myself or do i hate everything i dont let myself become? i want to be better and become better. to be happy. I guess this a self introduction I am code name:Blues. objective to be happy. lets see if i can and lets see if i can do any of my goals today. Be productive. Clean. Play with my 1yr old. Do something for yourself. Its 8:01AM wish me luck

#what is our mission?#idk what to tag this as #what am i doin with my life #who am i #self improvement #can I be better?#mental health

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tales-from-nocturnaliss · 1 year

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023 - catching up!

Figured it'd be a fun thing to do this year, since, y'know: this is the year that marked my official diagnosis as autistic. I'll answer several questions at once since I missed the previous days from not knowing this existed (social mishaps ftw!)

If you wanna participate, check out @birdofmay's blog or click through this link!

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself.

I'm a 42-yo Belgian writer of Dark Fantasy who was diagnosed autistic this past January after a few years of absolute hell trying to figure out wtf was wrong with me. Turns out: likely intense autistic burnout!

On a more positive note though, I also likely have symptoms of ADHD - which is positive because it makes me able to function in the world on a more NT level I'd say, like doing things on a whim, enjoying change and exploring and, in a way, balancing the autism out. Mostly. The conflictual needs and wants have caused me a lot of mental and physical stress that I'm still trying to recover from.

On a fun note now: I have two cats I adore, a husband who's sometimes just as dysfunctional as I am (likely why he sniffed me out when we were still teens << but we only really met when I was 29; he remembered me from seeing me at school though!), currently unemployed because health, love to fangirl my characters (and anime dudes <<), somehow have a wide circle of friends of all nationalities and personalities because individuals are awesome and fascinating (I'm obsessed with psychology and emotions), and... Yeah. If you'd like to know anything else, do simply ask :D I love answering questions.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

So it's both, actually. Last year, a good friend of mine talked to me about how she thought she was autistic, and shared a lot of info on women-specific autism... and that's when I saw that everything I thought I knew about autism was but a tiny fraction of a very wide spectrum. I recognized myself in what I read. I was on a quest for self-understanding to finally know what ailed me. I needed to know (which, let it be said, seems to be an autistic trait unto its own <<)

That was August. In October, I decided I had to be tested. November through December, five tests. Result in January. Diagnosis confirmed. I was ELATED. Because, finally, my whole life made sense. I am still so immensely relieved and happy to know.

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions.

My memory's gotten worse over time, likely from years of over-stress. I tend to let a lot of things leave my memory - including things people say. Verbal instructions... Because I know I have a tendency to forget, I prefer them written so I can read them over if/when needed. It's why I do everything official via email, put in appointments in my phone's calendar immediately, etc.

Funnily enough, I still remember a few words from one autism test I did back in November. So there's some logic to what's retained and what not. Repetition of words seems to be key.

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

I was in regular school. I'm 42. When I was a teen, depression wasn't even recognized as a real disease. Autism? Never heard of that. I was just an anxiety-ridden, fragile, naturally heavily bullied young girl who suffered ten years of depression afterwards and intense social anxiety. ... Damn I hated school so much. XD (and myself for just not fitting in :3; )

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

I imagine it would have, had we known I was autistic.

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger?

Good question, with 'younger' feeling so far away... I did notice my speech recignition declined these past years, like when watching movies. However, since trying ginkgo and ginseng supplements to alleviate ADHD symptoms, and how magically they also alleviated anxieties and stress overall, I notice my speech recognition improved again.

So, to answer: in general I understand people who talk really fast, best of all in french (my native language). However, I do lose track if people talk in monotones. I think my brain gets bored and nopes out of there.

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

I don't. Which I think is a mistake in itself, because I relate too intensely and completely to AuDHD perceptions. I was told it might be my higher IQ (officially 119, but I couldn't do the language tests as my brain demanded: in all three languages I know. So it's a bit higher) causing conflicts with the autism. Like, I was told a normal person thinks in a fast, straight line; autistics think in zigzags to get to the same point. They said I take the zigzags like they are a fast, straight line. And I'm like: okay sure I feel your point, but what about my mind always feeling torn in different directions and my inability to focus and how sometimes I adore change and other times not etc etc?

I'm not diagnosed AuDHD, but live that way anyway. Because that's what feels right. And trying to treat a possible ADHD has helped me. So instinct >>> NT experts, tyvm.

---

Aaaand tomorrow I'll continue these day by day :D woot to catching up and focussing and getting something done!

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic #likely audhd

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meimae · 2 years

Text

1/09/22

久しぶり! It's been a long time since I've written one of these.

I've taken quite a long break from both immersion and blogging, but I think based on my effort from August, I'm finally rested enough to start again.

So, let's dive right into it!

First off, what was I up to in the time I was away? It's honestly going to be a bit of a weird overview this time around, since I'm compiling six months worth of kinda immersing, but I feel its only right to also show my struggles with learning a language. I also pursued some things in real life such as opening a new business that I have been putting more focus on. It's a small venture, but I believe it has potential to be better, so please keep me in your prayers.

All graph images are from a Discord bot that I use to track my immersion for points in a language learning server called The Moe Way. Please feel free to join!

MARCH

February was a great month for me. I read and listened far more than I had ever before and I was and still am very proud of my effort. I think because I was about to hit my two year immersion mark, so I was pushing myself to the limit everyday.

I am quite the competitive person for things I truly desire, and so of course I wanted to beat my previous record. Unfortunately around my birthday in March, I came into a very rough patch which left me really questioning what it is I truly desired to achieve with my whole pursuit of Japanese. It didn't seem like the two whole years of dedication I've had (and the several other years I've tried to get past the beginner stage) for this language would come to fruition soon and if at all. This started my relapse into depression and my descent to, and I'm really sad to say, hopelessness.

Now at this stage I was still immersing quite a bit, but not as much as I had hoped. I still immersed everyday, but with varying consistency levels. I was also very much struggling to stick to one reading material at a time, not because they are disinteresting, but because I was losing my motivation, albeit slowly. By the time the month ended, I didn't even feel like it was worth talking about on my blog anymore, which was not the correct response obviously, but it was my reality and I had to deal with it in some way.

Reading material: Sakura no Uta, Stardew Valley (in Japanese), Steins; Gate, Summer Pockets

Listening material: Youtube, American Life Podcast, Hiikibiiki, Anata no Ban Desu, JP News

APRIL

I didn't give up just yet. With every new month, I always saw a sliver of hope and a chance to try again. The burnout was cruel though, and all my energy tapered off halfway through the month. This still wasn't a bad effort. If anything it looked like my minimum immersion amount when I was just starting, so looking at it now, I can at least still give myself a pat on the back for trying. I also hung out a lot in Discord voice chat and joined immersion streams a lot more so I didn't feel as if I quit entirely.

Reading Material: Fate/Stay Night, Umibe no Kafuka

Listening Material: Youtube, CardCaptor Sakura

MAY

May was my whitenoise era. I talked to my Discord friends a lot, tried every possible thing I could if I found the energy for it, but ultimately was just not in the mood for Japanese, and even if I was, I could not understand anything to save my life which felt like how it was when I was at the height of my depression for every language I knew. The disappointment I felt in myself was unreal and I'm glad I at least had some friends who understood my struggles.

Reading Materials: Shingeki no Kyoujin, Fate/Stay Night, Umibe no Kafuka

Listening Materials: 1 Litre no Namida, CardCaptor Sakura, 100 Man no Onnatachi

JUNE

I don't even have a graph for this month. I mostly just hung around with friends whenever they streamed. I was so excited by a bunch of new reading material, but I was in whitenoise hell and couldn't even enjoy them.

Reading Materials: SpyxFamily, Hakuoki, Fate/Stay Night

Listening Materials: 461 Ko on Obentou, Youtube, Hajimete no Atsukai, Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2 dubs

JULY

Once again, don't have a graph. The worst month of my language learning journey. I swear I have given more effort to studying with textbooks than whatever happened this month. Did however try reading out loud on stream again, and just had fun laughing at my silly pronounciation mistakes with a friend.

Reading Material: Ohayou Ibarahime

Roudoku Material: Akaya Akashiya Ayakashino

AUGUST

And so we finally arrive to August. I felt so much shame and disappointment, nearing my 2.5 year mark without much to show that I tried really hard to correct it with some success! Again, of course it could be better, but with the help and encouragement of friends, at least I'm trying again.

I read 105,126 characters of Fate/Stay Night on the 10th of August and that gave me so much hope that not all was lost. I also crossed the 1M character mark on it which is a really good milestone to reach after struggling for so long. I may still have tripped this month, but it was still way better than the month previous.

Reading Materials: Fate Stay/Night, Sakura no Uta, Shingeki no Kyoujin, Stardew Valley

Listening Material: Porco Rosso

Moral of the Story?

Burnout is real. Depression and anxiety are the worst. Take care of your mental health. Learn when to take breaks and when to distance yourself from things that make you feel bad about your progress.

Find people who you can trust and rely on. Find new hobbies! Pursue new goals! Don't quit and never stop trying.

I love this language. I may have struggled, but I am stronger for it. One day, I'll find my footing again, but for now, just knowing that I have come so far and that I can still have fun and improve this skill is more than enough.

-☆-

Thanks for reading, and I hope that you who waited for me and took the time to read are doing well. ʕ•̀ω•́ʔ✧

#language acquisition #language learning #langblr #studyblr #japanese language #study blog #japanese #language immersion #japanese langblr #japanese studyblr

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sourstars · 1 year

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HI LOML DORI HIHIHI i promise i saw ur ask and i was literally yk the meme emoji like O_O that was me when u sent that ask!! ive been busy bc ive actually been on my shit nd studying 4 my classes like a girl boss!! i saw u posted the writers thingy and i wanted to ask: it doesn't let me start a new line on here but numbers: 8. 14 (i hate letting ppl borrow my books bc they never give it back), 21 and 24!! sorry if its alot im just super curious bc i really like ur writing style!! - dango anon

HELLOOOOOOOyes i was hoping you’d see it eventually, i was like that meme with the kid that’s side eyeing everything while drinking his soda (??)

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

i would totally attempt one without dialogue, that seems so challenging and could potentially so sick istg i toooootally will not add that to my to-write list like i don’t have a million things to do already 😵‍💫

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

YES I DO. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE. i have an ex who i let borrow my anniversary edition of fahrenheit 451 which is one of my all time favs and the mf never gave it back and i KNOW he never got around to fuckin reading it either. gave him a bookmark to use w it and everything. never AGAIN >:(. on a happier note, i do let friends and peers borrow books but i have a mental blacklist of the ones never returned and i still know exactly where they are even though i’m not DIRECTLY looking for them yk??? sixth sense typa beat LOL will i ever get any back? short answer; probably not but it’s an excuse to shop

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

in general, hell no LOL it’s actually helped me cope through trauma and depression so it’s one of best hobbies and i’d like to keep it around as long as possible—HOWEVERRR i do think i won’t write fanfiction forever, which is why i deleted the really short and (personally) cringy or hated works because if i’m to stop eventually i want to leave behind the ones i’m real proud of like inerrata or yearning man (could list all of my favs actually) because in writing them i literally used a piece of my soul and past to shape the lesson i wanted to have people read, whether i was the only one who got it or not. so really, maybe in the future i might ever get the urge to write an actual book but i don’t see myself quitting any time soon, just maybe the occasional break (like rn :’)) for burnout. however i am active and might post things on ao3 first or only on there sometimes like series because unless you’re already big they do NOT do well on here LOL

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

so if you’ve ever seen the show bones. i’m brennan if she was just averagely smart LOL yes i study everything to understand even if only the basics because sometimes underlying plot or details are what drives my story. researched for a week on the five stages of grief just to see how it manifested in different temperaments and environments and in another wip i studied engineering basics because it was the driving force or that fic’s reader’s struggle and upcoming. it mostly looks like slouching over my laptop with a thick ass notebooks making rushed notes and ending up drying my pens in the process LOL i do enjoy it but i do NOT enjoy the having ti but pens every month or so :’) it’s mostly the drive for knowledge for me because i already live learning in general. if given a timespan i think it takes about a week of searching before even writing out anything

writer asks!

#!nonnies #this was so????? loved this immensely #!games results #!games

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happymediumclub · 1 year

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By Dom & Hannah

(Originally seen in Happy Medium Club Volume 7 on Substack.)

Dom and Hannah Discuss Midnights

By Dom & Hannah

Dom is a late-in-life Swiftie. He’s always been an admirer of Taylor Swift but didn’t become a pathological fan until the Reputation Era.

Hannah is an early adopter. She’s been on board since the debut album.

Dom and Hannah have a lot in common (they love crystals, they love each other, and they love their friend David). They also have a lot of differences (Hannah doesn’t like Lavender Haze, and Dom thinks she’s foolish and [redacted] for not liking Lavender Haze.

They hashed out their differences (below) and tried to find some common ground. It went okay! But they still have work to do.

Lavender Haze

Hannah: This song gives off 80s synth pop vibes, which usually I’d be here for, but I’m not a big fan. The lyrics are catchy, and I find myself singing along when I listen to the song, but it’s not a song I’ll go out of my way to play, especially when a song like Maroon follows up behind it.

Rank: #10

Dom:��I’m baffled that this isn’t in your Top 5, Hannah! This is one of my favorite songs of 2022. I love the theme of the song--finding an oasis in someone when life gets fuggin stressful. It’s equal parts a love ballad and a song about burnout. Relatable as fluck. And the bridge. Get it off my desk!!! It’s good.

Rank: #4

Maroon

Hannah: This song sits at number 3 for me for the album. It gives me Red album vibes, and that was one of my favorite Swift eras. The way she sings about a failed relationship but makes it something beautiful is just the epitome of Taylor Swift. “And I wake with your memory over me. That’s a real fuckin’ legacy to leave.” The chills I get when I hear this line. It makes me reminisce on my past relationships and smile at what they brought to my life, no matter how dark they ended.

Rank: #3

Dom: Lyrically, this is an S-Tier song. So good. Storytelling at its finest. Musically, it’s not as seamless as a fit for me. It feels a little dated (reminds me of 2014 for some reason). But I can get past that. The lyrics are wonderful. And the hook is friggin catchy.

Rank: #6

Anti-Hero

Hannah: Everything about this song is a “yes.” The lyrics, the tune, the theme. We’re all the problem at some point in our life, so it’s immensely relatable, and this is the shining star of the album. “When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room.” A lot of us fight with some form of mental illness, and I think this is an anthem for us. And let’s talk about the snake hiss she heavily leans in on in the post-chorus…what a shout-out to all of the tabloids calling her a snake.

Rank: #1

Dom: So freaking good. Basically, every lyric functions as a standalone one-liner (Instagram Caption, tattoo, email signature). But at that the same time, it’s so cohesive. It feels like it fits so perfectly in the album, the era, and my literal LIFE. So good. I want to give it a #1 ranking, but there are some other songs that literally broke my bones. So I’m going to give her a #5.

Rank: #5

Snow On the Beach (Ft. Lana Del Rey)

Hannah: Y’all are going to hate me for this one. Where’s Lana? There seems to be a trend where female guest artists on Taylor’s albums don’t get their own time to shine as a male artist does. Perfect examples would be No Body, No Crime and Breathe, where HAIM and Colbie Calliet are simply an accent to the song. Then you have songs like Everything Has Changed or Exile, where Ed Sheeran and Bon Ivor have their own moment. The song is beautiful, I just wish I would have heard more from Lana. This leaves this song in the middle of the pack for me. It’s not bad but it’s not amazing.

Rank: #7

Dom: Yeah, Hannah, I do hate you for this! I know Taylor gets a lot of flack for giving boring-ass men full verses (Gary Lightbody had a verse but HAIM got background vocals???). But in this case, I think Lana’s and Taylor’s voices literally mesh into one eerie and melancholy, and beautiful voice. And it makes me feel better that they wrote it together. I will say I think this song would’ve worked well as a Lana solo track, but I’m not sure Taylor could’ve pulled it off by herself. I love this song so much. The sentiment. The serendipity.

Rank: #3

You're On Your Own, Kid

Hannah: You’re On Your Own, Kid is one of those songs that I think can have various meanings. When I sat and listened to it for the first time at 12am, I was brought to tears. It reminded me of my constant feeling of loneliness. For this reason, YOYOK solidifies its spot at number 2 for me with this album.

Rank: #2

Dom: Famously—and traditionally—Taylor reserves Track 5 on each album for the most gut-wrenching or emotionally vulnerable song. On Folkore, we’ve got My Tears Richochet. On Red, we’ve got All Too Well. I was surprised to see YOYOK as Track 5. It’s a great song—like every song on this album. And I agree with Hannah about the themes… this is the definitive anthem for loneliness. Closely followed by Akon’s Mr. Lonely. BUT, I have high expectations for Track 5. And with songs like Would’ve, Should’ve, Could’ve and Bigger Than the Whole Sky on the album, I’m a little (ONLY A LITTLE) underwhelmed.

Rank: #10

Midnight Rain

Hannah: I’m gonna love any song that’s about Tom Hiddleston. It’s guaranteed. Getaway Car? Art. Midnight Rain, it’s little sister. There’s something so beautiful about TS realizing she did someone dirty and owning up to the mistakes. “He wanted a bride. I was making my own name.” We’ve all had those moments of being in a situation that we know better than to be in. I’d rank this one higher up in the middle of the songs.

Rank: #8

Dom: I love how Taylor has written at least 139 versions of this song, including Archer (“I've been the archer. I've been the prey”), Getaway Car (“I left you in a motel bar.”), and Back to December (“This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.”) The latest rendition of “I Broke the Heart of a Nice Young Man” is good! But not my favorite.

Rank: #18

Question...?

Hannah: It’s giving Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber’s relationship from an outside perspective. I don’t really have much to say about it. It’s not a bad song, but I feel like we’ve heard it before, ya know?

Rank: #12

Dom: I love this song, and I like this song. I wrote it in my Enneagram/Midnights analysis and dubbed this as a song for Enneagram Nines (folks who strive to maintain peace and have trouble saying what they want). Relatable as fluck. Also, I love cute little sound effects in songs. I get a cute little serotonin boost when the crowd yells after Taylor kisses her twin flame in the bar. This is a cute little song that I cute little like.

Rank: #7

Vigilante Shit

Hannah: It’s like Reputation Vol. 2, but the initial bad bitch feeling is gone? That opening line, though…”Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man”…absolute chills. There’s no denying Miss Swift is brilliant when it comes to her lyrics, this song just didn’t hit like I wish it would have.

Rank: #13

Dom: The best song of all time. I went on a $300 shopping spree after I heard this song. So I, too, could dress for revenge. But I don’t have a good fashion sense, so I bought a couple of dad hats. One of them has flowers on it. I wish I was a vengeful vigilante, but I am a cotton ball.

Rank: #1

Bejeweled

Hannah: Bejeweled is a track that didn’t click with me during the initial listening of the Midnights. But as I listened to the album over and over again, I tolerate it now. It’s not in my top songs by any means, but I wouldn’t skip it if the album was on shuffle.

Rank: #19

Dom: Fun. Incredible. Very pop. It’s giving Leo Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Sagittarius rising. Also, I’ve said this one, and I’ll say it 13 more times: give Laura Dern an EGOT for her cameo in the music video. Do it now!

Rank: #8

Labyrinth

Hannah: People who don’t rank Labyrinth high, and I’m just gonna say it, have absolutely no taste. She captures the stages we go through when we realize a person has bewitched our heart and soul with three simple lines. Uh oh, I’m falling in love (Fear)Oh no, I’m falling in love again (Reluctance)Oh, I’m falling in love (Serendipity)

It’s truly genius. It was hard to rank it this low on the list but I can’t place it any higher.

Rank: #5

Dom: I agree with Hannah! If you don’t like this song, you have bad taste! Sorry!

Rank: #9

Karma

Hannah: This is “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” chiller little sister. I will say I love the chorus here, emphasizing all of her GOOD karma that many of the news outlets didn’t think she would have, as they constantly criticized her. This is supported in the following lyrics. “Ask me what I learned from all those years. Ask me what I earned from all those tears. Ask me why so many fade, but I’m still here.” The most polite way to tell people to STFU if you ask me.

Rank: #17

Dom: Some people say this song is cringe. They are right. I too am cringe. I love this song. I love the one-liners that make people roll their eyes: “Karma is a cat purring in my lap because it loves me.” I don’t like cats. But I like this song.

Rank: #17

Sweet Nothing

Hannah: I personally love a good love song about Mr. William Bowery, AKA, Joe Alwyn. It has a sweet little nursery rhyme vibe which I think is super cute, because nursery rhymes tend to help children relax, calm down, and sleep, so it’s adorable that she’s comparing her relationship with Alwyn to this sort of nostalgic comfort we all experienced as a child.

Rank: #14

Dom: This is one of my favorite songs of the year. I listen to it while I’m walking around my cute little neighborhood, romanticizing my quiet life. Something about, “on the way home, I wrote a poem. You said, ‘what a mind.’” Ah, it makes me gush.

Rank: #2

Mastermind

Hannah: Mastermind wasn’t one of my favorites when I first sat down, but it grew on me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. As I sat and actually soaked in the lyrics I was SHOOK. Like, are you kidding? Let’s talk about the bridge. “No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it seem effortless.” Listen Taylor, if you wanted to hurt me, you could have just stabbed me instead. Holy cow this song is magic.

Rank: #6

Dom: It’s great! I don’t have much else to say! I like it a lot!

Rank: #14

The Great War

Hannah: The Great War is one of Taylor’s best songs she’s ever written. Between the snare drum that was used in actual battles, and the story she sings about the battles you face with relationships, ah, it gives me actual chills. The bridge is my favorite part of this song because she really lays into emphasizing the snare drum and dials back on the use of other instruments and it really makes you feel like you’re going through the battle she’s singing about.

Rank: #4

Dom: I love when Taylor goes FULL metaphor. Take a shot every time blondie drops a reference to warfare in this song. You’ll blackout! And I didn’t notice the snare drum until Hannah pointed it out. Seriously, love that. This song has so many layers and if you don’t like it, listen again!

Rank: #13

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Hannah: This song makes me ache in my bones. It’s that one relationship that was so perfect for you, but it wasn’t perfect in the other person’s eyes so they leave. That loss is absolutely KILLER and I think Swift is able to capture that pretty perfectly when she describes that this person in her life was “bigger than the whole sky,” essentially implying this person was their world, and now she has to go through and figure out how to live without the person she thought was the end game for her. It’s immensely relatable. I’ve ranked it low on the list only because there are other songs that I reach for first.

Rank: #15

Dom: Yeah, this song gives me a lump in my throat. It should’ve (would’ve, could’ve) been Track 5. It’s an example of Taylor’s ability to distill complex experiences into songs that are digestible and accessible while creating space for listeners to prescribe whatever meaning resonates for them. Nicely done.

Rank: #12

Paris

Hannah: Paris is a difficult one for me to figure out how I feel about it. It’s not really relatable for me, so I think that’s what makes it hard for me to connect to the song. The beat is fun and the flow of her lyrics naturally puts a smile on your face while you listen, but this one…it’s gonna be last for me.

Rank: #20

Dom: I forgot this song was on the album until I started writing this sentence. 😊

Rank: #20

High Infidelity

Hannah: I mean, this one is fine. But there are stronger tracks that I like. “You know there are many different ways that you can kill the one you love…the slowest way is never loving them enough”...OOF. Those lyrics though. An absolute stab to the heart. But I feel like I would have liked it more if it was paired with a different music track. There’s just something about the tune that makes me go “Ehh.”

Rank: #18

Dom: I can’t help but compare this song to Illicit Affairs from Folklore, since they both explore varying levels of infidelity. Illicit Affairs is an incredible and complicated song. High Infidelity song is fine! I maintain there are no skips on this album. And I’m sure this song will rise in the ranks after I’ve overplayed Vigilante Shit in a few weeks.

Rank: #19

Glitch

Hannah: I really like the relaxing vibes to this song but that’s about it if I’m being honest. Like, I’d listen to this song as I sit beachside soaking in some Vitamin D. This is a song I don’t listen to for the lyrics, because I think she has some songs with stronger lyrics, but this song gets the job done for what I need it to do.

Rank: #16

Dom: I love this song!!! It’s so cute. It’s vibey. It’s good cute little song. And, like Hannah said, it’s the perfect song for a relaxing evening Under the Tuscan Sun. Boring movie, btw.

Rank: #15

Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve

Hannah: Dear John Mayer, you sir, are the gunk on the bottom of my shoe. Need I say more? Probably not, but I’m going to. Instead of focusing on the lyrics, as tragically deep as Demi Lovato’s “29”, I wanna focus on some of her vocal choices on certain lines and words, example - when she sings “Give me back my girlhood”. I’ll wait while you go listen to that part…did you go listen to it? Did you hear the slight teeny bopper whine she adds to it, almost signifying that she was only a young teenager. It’s brilliant. There’s a desperate plea to her voice in this whole song as well, which really tugs at my heart strings and wants me to form Dallas’s chapter for the John Mayer hate club. It’s ranked a little lower only because I can’t put it past Dear John. That remains a classic.

Rank: #11

Dom: There’s nothing I can say that Hannah didn’t already say.

Rank: #11

Dear Reader

Hannah: I love when artists talk to their fans through their music and Dear Reader scratches that satisfying itch. And there’s something even more satisfying about her telling us to hit the pavement running to find ourselves, but then doubling back by saying we shouldn’t take advice from someone who’s falling apart, implying that the only person you should look to for when it comes to fixing yourself is who you see staring back at you in the mirror. My favorite line. “No one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire.” This goes out to all of us who constantly feel alone and know that we only have ourselves. I’d rank it higher if I could.

Rank: #9

Dom: Perfect closing clack for the album. It’s a great follow-up to the last song Taylor wrote, directly addressing her listeners: Long Live. On that song, she celebrated how far she and her fans had come “Long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you,” she sings. This time around, on “Dear Reader,” she’s all like… thanks for sticking with me for all these years, but you should know I have no idea what I’m doing. Same, Taylor. Same!!!

Rank: #16

#taylor swift #midnights

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ashok-kumars-world · 2 years

Text

Today is World Mental Health Day. Let's look at critical issues related to mental health at workplace, why mental wellness at workplace is important, why a paradigm of mental health at workplace needs to change, and what leaders can do to improve mental health of their employees.

Plain Lucky

I have lived life with incurable but manageable, life-sapping severe mental ailment, named bipolar disorder, alternately dangling between abyss of depression and splintering flameout of mania with intervening remission periods.

My condition was diagnosed at the age of 38 (though the ailment struck first in childhood), and all attacks of depression and mania have happened at the different institutions I worked at, both in India and abroad.

I was plain lucky to get extraordinary empathy, support, and accommodation from employers, bosses, colleagues, subordinates, and clients. I wonder, where I would have been had I not got this support? It also gets me wondering, why this accommodation cannot be norm at workplaces in India?

Increasing Disease Burden

As per the World Health Organization (WHO)'s ‘World Mental Health Report' (2022), one billion people lived with mental disorders —one-eighth of the global population. The consensus estimate is that COVID-19 has resulted in a 25 percent spike in depression and anxiety globally.

Mental Illnesses account for the highest share of Global Disease Burden (GDB) and Disability-adjusted life years (DALYs).

India's first National Mental Health Survey (2016) revealed 150 million people suffering from various mental-health-related ailments, but due to entrenched stigma, lack of awareness, and poor availability/accessibility of mental health care services, less than 30 million were seeking treatment.

The 2022 numbers of mentally-Ill people in India are significantly more — and this leads to the question: can India afford not to care for its mentally ill?

Mental Health At Work

The WHO estimates at more than 15 percent of working-age adults suffer from one or the other mental health illnesses. As per the WHO guidelines on mental health at work and a derivative WHO/ILO policy brief, estimated 12 billion workdays are lost annually due to depression and anxiety costing the global economy $1 trillion. If we add the impact of other mental illnesses, the number will increase manifold.

The Mckinsey Report ‘Mental Health at Workplace- A Coming Revolution' (2020) adds: “Employees need, and increasingly demand, resources to help them cope with mental health problems. If companies make mental health services more accessible and intervene in the workplace in ways that improve well-being, they will simultaneously make investments that will provide real improvements in employee outcomes and consequently in company performance”.

As a norm, employees carry their mental health problems at work often reaching the breaking point, resulting in a burnout. It is time to accept that workplaces amplify wider societal issues that negatively affect one's mental health.

Mental Health At Work in India

The problem of mental health at work is fast exacerbating in India. A Deloitte India report which came out in September titled ‘Mental Health And Well-Being In The Workplace', has the shocking revelation that 80 percent of the workforce in India reported mental health issues during the past year, and the poor mental health of employees costs employers $14 billion per year owing to absenteeism, presenteeism, and attrition. Due to prevailing stigma, barely 39 percent of the affected employees took steps to manage their mental illness.

Presenteeism is a problem where ill employees continue to report for work despite not being able to work. The above report finds that 33 percent respondents continued to report at work, despite poor mental health, while 29 percent took time off, and 20 percent resigned to better manage their mental health.

The same report said that ~47 percent professionals consider workplace-related stress as the biggest factor affecting their mental health, followed by financial constraints, and COVID-19-related challenges.

These statistics do not bode well for the nation.

A recent Mckinsey study found that globally there is a disconnect between employers and employees when it comes to workplace mental health, on aspects of workplace stigma, access to treatment, and support from the employer. This gap forces many employees to not talk about their mental health/well-being lest they lose their job.

Quite clearly now is time for CEOs in India to play a proactive role in de-stigmatising mental health challenges in their organisations, and take corrective measure to create a culture that promotes employees mental well-being.

What Employers Can Do

Many factors influence an employee's mental health. These include poor communication and management practices, limited participation in decision-making, long or inflexible working hours, and lack of team cohesion. Bullying and psychological harassment are also well-known causes of work-related stress, and related mental health problems.

I have spent disproportionately long time researching, and reporting on aspects of mental illness, including mental health at work and organisational responses. As companies are shaped by their leaders, the top leadership must take the responsibility to ensure employees feel supported and understood, not despite but because of their vulnerability to mental health conditions. Key is to create a culture where employees feel free to open up and speak.

CEOs need not do it for altruistic reason — a very powerful study reveals that a $1 investment in employees' mental health throws forward $4 benefits to the organisation.

Nine Steps For A Better Workplace

Clearly corporate India has to wake up — the problem has assumed humungous proportion. Here are nine steps corporate leaders can take:

One, awareness is key to arriving at a solution. Mental health in the workplace is not a new problem, has now reached an inflexion point. It is time to address the elephant in the room.

Two, lead by example. Authenticity of the leaders sets the organisational tone. One way is for CEOs to be open about their own struggles, and challenges.

Three, create a culture that matters, and where employees can open and share instead of hiding their mental illness.

Four, create policies and crisis support, India's best practices Mental Health Care Act, (MCHA) 2017 mandates parity of treatment between physical and mental illness. It is time every organisation have a mental health policy, and comprehensive support.

Five, mindsets need to change, and for this the creation of an organisation-wide zero tolerance policy against insensitive or discriminatory behaviour towards employees with mental health conditions is a big step in the right direction.

Six, consider expenditure on employee mental health as an investment.

Seven, communication holds the key. Mental health issues have long been stigmatised in India. Barriers in communication need to be removed.

Eight, the rate of investment of organisations that act proactively is overwhelmingly positive. Surveys by McKinsey in the US show that including depression management in primary care reduced missed workdays by 30 percent, and employers offering more support were twice as likely to report a greater than 50 percent return-to-work rate after mental-health-related disability leave.

Finally, just be receptive and understanding, and become a champion of mental health—and thereby jumpstart the creation of organisation-wide culture of care, keep in mind it is the leadership which sets the culture.

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ishanshivanand · 2 years

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Yoga of the Immortals: Mind Control Techniques

The Yoga of Immortals is a brand-new and reasonably priced method for mental wellness. The Himalayan monk Ishan Shivanand created this sophisticated protocol system based on the ancient study. The strategies are already being used by top CEOs, performers, and neuroscientists. Its objective is to deliver high-quality, reasonably priced mental healthcare so that anybody may manage their minds. Find out how to start doing the practice right away.

Meditation

According to a recent study, meditation improves the thickness of the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain linked to attention and self-awareness. Numerous real-world investigations, including those conducted by wellness coaches on their famous clientele, have supported these conclusions. In addition, meditation may reduce employee stress, and burnout has contributed to developing a corporate meditation culture. The advantages of meditation are widely recognized, and studies have shown that the Yoga of Immortals is excellent in easing pain symptoms and enhancing the quality of life.

Hatha

Traumatic mental and emotional experiences can be effectively treated with the spiritual Hatha yoga. For example, Dr. Elizabeth Hoge, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, claims that generalized anxiety disorder, which can result in uncontrollable worrying, loss of sleep, and irritability, can benefit from meditation. Additionally, persons with other physical and mental conditions, such as arthritis might benefit from meditation.

Kundalini

Every person is filled with the primal energy known as the Kundalini. The cosmic energy that keeps the cosmos in order is reflected in the Kundalini. It is the central part of the subtle body of a man, which also has 72 000 nadis, chakras, prana, or life force energy. The main elements of the subtle body, known as Bindu or essence drops, are invisible to human sight and science.

Unreflective impressions

Every deed, word, and thought affects the soul, according to the ancient Indian philosophical tradition of yoga. These imprints create a mold or frame into which the elements of nature race to fill. A new body is created by the prints, or karma, in line with the samskaras. Our karma, the embodiment of these impressions, shapes our personality traits.

Rejuvenation

Several business and healthcare wellness efforts have adopted rejuvenation via Yoga of Immorts (YoI) programs. These initiatives have made significant progress in tackling the problem of professional burnout and assisting front-line healthcare professionals' mental health. Ishan has created these utilizing his in-depth understanding of modern medicine. In reality, YOI standards have been altered for several businesses, healthcare facilities, and educational institutions.

Lifestyle quality

A Himalayan monk developed a powerful, ancient method known as The Yoga of Immortals. It incorporates breathing exercises, yogic postures, and mental and emotional stimulation. As a result, thousands of people from all walks of life have reported an improvement in their quality of life. The nice thing about this technique is that anyone may engage in it without experiencing any adverse side effects.

Lowering of tension

Recently, the program has drawn a lot of interest. Ishan Shivanand, the organization's founder, sees meditation as a key to managing stress. As a result, he has created a yoga program for lowering pressure. You may decrease your stress levels by using this approach to help you sleep better. And how does it operate? Let's look more closely.

Depression

Globally, the COVID-19 epidemic has caused severe problems for mental health. Due to the disease's global distribution, many patients now need hospitalization or critical care. Nevertheless, numerous healthcare professionals have persisted in providing patient care despite many obstacles, such as lengthy workdays and social isolation. Users can overcome these difficulties with the Yoga of Immortals smartphone application. Users may practice the program from the convenience of their homes using a computer, smartphone, or tablet.

Insomnia

Yoga of Immortals, often known as YOI, maybe the solution to your troubles. Meditation is an effective treatment for overcoming mental and emotional stress. For example, Dr. Elizabeth Hoge, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, claims that generalized anxiety disorder, marked by irritation and uncontrollable anxieties, might benefit greatly from meditation.

A tendency to leak urine

The most recent findings in the treatment of urine incontinence present a novel method for handling the issue. Yoga postures are combined with breathing techniques, proper treatment, and meditation in the Yoga of Immortals app. Urinary leakage has been demonstrated to be significantly reduced by the combined strategy. This study aims to comprehend how the program helps people with urine incontinence. The software's Spanish, Chinese, and Japanese versions were created with yoga experts' aid.

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guster-animations · 2 years

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i posted a week ago that everyone should listen to the soundtrack for “chicory: a colorful tale”. i lied. everyone go watch a playthrough of this spectacular video game masterpiece right fucking now

this game is about creativity, but also about the anxiety and perfectionism and burnout that comes alongside it. any artist, writer, musician, etc should look it up IMMEDIATELY. i am not joking please play/watch chicory for your own good

STEAM LINK

SWITCH STORE LINK

PLAYTHROUGH LINK

the short rating: 9.5/10. thematic, flawless writing and imagery. great for casual players. lena raine (whose name you’ve probably seen on the minecraft pigstep disc) has made a soundtrack good enough to rival her songs from celeste.

content warnings: mental illness, flashing lights, disturbing imagery (i think), scopophobia

themes and topics covered: perfectionism, burnout, generational trauma, anxiety, depression, friendship

more in depth below because i just fucking love this game it’s so underrated for no reason

first off i want to play chicory myslef so bad because it is so cool to mess with the world. you interact with the npcs snd you only fill things in but you create the world in a sense. you color literally EVERYTHING. but the game doesn’t treat you like god, you’re treated like a normal person. this allows for the story to focus on the negative effects of being the sole wielder of the paintbrush that lets you do this.

the game as a whole is nearly perfect. there aren’t any specific areas of focus that i disliked. i GUESS some puzzle areas were boring to get through, but i was watching a playthrough so honestly i can’t judge that myself. everything else in the game is (insert long keysmash here)

the writing is something i could (ironically) never describe in words. i love the protagonist’s relationship with chicory and their family. you can wholly understand the struggles and self-doubt of the characters. the npcs all add so much life to the story and flesh it out even more. the boss battles have the coolest designs and are also written well

the music is xnxowgcigcenxn incredible. here are my favorite tracks:

blank canvas

a colorful tale

the town of luncheon

uoy ma i

banquest rainforest

MONSTER

you’re not real

something new

the mountain top

the songs perfectly capture the mood and tension of that certain chapter. there are only 2 spots in the album where i wanted to skip a song and both places fit perfectly in the context of the game. speaking of

its a simple game at first. your first interaction with it is the game asking what your favorite food is. you don’t know what the purpose of the question is. it’s a single question. there could be a simpler one replacing it, but ”what’s your favorite food” enhances the game experience in ways you don’t expect.

your character admires the wielder of the brush that paints the world. the room you’re cleaning, in the wielders’ tower, is incredibly vibrant until it suddenly goes blank. you knock on the wielder’s door, but she doesn’t answer. you pick up her brush and start recoloring the world.

the game starts off sweet and simple, but it keeps surprising you. the NPCs you talk to are all surprisingly anxious. there’s ginger, who’s being told by their friend that their ideas are stupid. there’s a lady that’s afraid to speak about what she wants. there’s a person who keeps telling you how to paint their house, almost perfectionistic. the whole first chapter is very lighthearted until you get to the boss battle.

you enter a dark void, with only your inverted sprite and a scribbley eye for company. this is the pattern that the next boss battle follows, only with another eye for company and a scribbley, unidentifiable face holding them. this is a product of the ”darkness”, you’re told, which is creeping all over the world and blocking space. this is obviously a problem

you return to the wielder’s tower to meet with chicory and return her brush. she tells you to keep it. later you paint self-portraits of each other, and she paints an amazing portrait of you. she says it’s no good. then you paint her, and no matter how much you half-ass it, she’ll tell you it’s great.

you go to more corrupted areas before fighting your third boss battle, where you find that chicory has been creating the darkness. or rather, her self-loathing is creating it. she tells you horrible things about how worthless you are before morphing into the boss.

you go to the city and talk to your sister over pizza. you tell her how stressed you are, how you keep getting asked to paint stuff and clear obstacles and rescue kids and pick up litter. she tells you to rest, but you’re the wielder now. you CANT rest because you’re the only one who can help anyone. then the owner of the pizza store asks you to paint his logo, and your sister asks if she can help you.

you go to more corrupted areas. even after winning several boss battles, you haven’t destroyed any of the corruption. this boss battle is different: it opens with six eyes in a void, but then you see a reflection of yourself. you’re fighting you. no matter how many times you hit it, it only changes attacks. the boss battle ends when it disappears. you as the player are feeling the game’s storyline getting progressively darker as you go on.

you realize you can’t solve the ongoing problem by yourself, so you return once again to chicory’s tower. she’s engulfed by the darkness. there’s a boss battle against the visual embodiment of her agony and depression. you help her calm down, and she agrees to help you with pushing back the corruption.

the game takes a surprisingly mellow and calm turn from there. you’re doing a bunch of wielder trials. there arent any boss battles in chapters 6, 7, or 8. instead, there are slow-paced puzzles and calm music. the game’s give you time to relax and forget about your bigger worries, whether in-game or real life. chicory even comments on how calming the natural environments are.

your character has a few idle animations, but unlike most video games, it embraces your own stillness. one of these animations is the character simply just closing their eyes and taking a deep breath. the game is showing you the importance of taking a break through several mechanics.

one of the three first trials (which you can complete in any order) is a mountain climbing journey. you can only complete it with your brush, but chicory makes it up before you without it because she��s got strong legs. when you reach the peak, you’re supposed to sing an ancient song. chicory doesnt remember how it goes, so you make it up as you go. the song lyrics are about how you’re both expected by society to be perfect wielders, but also how you’ve accomplished so much.

the final trial brings you back to reality. it’s filled with corruption. chicory says it’s where she had a falling out with the previous wielder, blackberry, and she never really completed her trials. she’d been trying to hide her flaws from that person, but that only ended up making blackberry trust her less. chicory took the brush from blackberry.

the trial ends with another boss battle within the darkness. you witness a flashback of the moment that i just described. then you have to fight blackberry’s darkness personification to the most FUCKING BANGER boss music ever created

i love the blackberry fight so damn much

now you have to return to the place where you started the game, to confront the corruption one last time. it’s hollow. you don’t think you can do it, even after all this preparation.

the last thing you talk to chicory about before entering her tower is what to do after you defeat the darkness. she says you have to destroy the brush. the world will lose its color, but it doesn’t matter because the corruption is coming from the brush and it’s dangerous

you enter the tower to find an empty void. you have to walk through several rooms while the protagonist talks about how empty it is and how they’re not really sure they can do this. the music is creepy and hollow

then you meet the boss, which this time (unsurprisingly) is you. there’s a short battle, then it tells you that you don’t deserve to wield the brush and destroys it

i give up on describing the ending just experience it for yourself it’s amazing,, i could never do it justice in words

bye losers my ipad’s about to crash

#chicory a colorful tale #lena raine #indie games #review #op #important shit #schedule

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