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#letters from r

…and ended up nowhere. 

Remember when I said I would continue drawing and sketching every day? Yeah, didn’t happen. I got bored really quick. Remember also when I said I was going to keep meditating every night? Yup, you guessed it, I broke my streak and scrolled through TikTok for two hours every night until I fell asleep. And lastly, my writing gold? Went back to being buried. That’s not going anywhere any time soon. 

This inconsistent energy is really draining my drive and motivation. I made a one-week schedule and tried sticking to it (keyword: tried), but even that didn’t work. I don’t know how to discipline myself. I used to be able to do it so easily–the only reason why I even finished my undergraduate thesis was because I gave myself a strict schedule to follow and I did follow it–but now it feels like nothing works. Maybe I need to start losing weight again, I think I’ve been letting myself go the past few months and I’ve been unconsciously carrying over the loss of discipline to other aspects of my life as well.

I will be going back to work this week. Just thinking about it is making me tired. I really need to change my diet, but I’m not even in charge of the food that I eat.

I don’t know. This is going to turn into a rant so I’m just going to stop here while it’s still a decent entry. 

Ciao,
R.

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I was cleaning my notes earlier today when I decided I should maybe check out that story I said I was going to write.

So I went to the folder (aptly named ‘write’) and reread all the raw ideas and drafts I wrote a year ago. I was shocked, to say the least. Strangely enough, I remember typing all of those down, but most of the ideas sounded brand new to me. It’s like I was possessed by a story-spewing monster a year ago and I just had ideas on top of ideas. The problem is that they’re all going nowhere. No endings, barely any plot, just concepts on top of concepts. I guess I was big on world building back then. 

Tell you what, I’ll start brainstorming about this story again. It’s actually a pretty good concept (some might even say brilliant (no, not really)) and the plot just needs a little fleshing out. It might take a few years, maybe a decade or two. It’s a huge concept. I feel overwhelmed by my own ideas. 

Maybe I can be a published writer when I’m, like, 60 years old or something.

Cheers,
R.

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Hello, I’m back with low quality content. 

I know I said I’d post quality content from now on but then I thought, nobody fucking reads these who the fuck do I think I am? So here’s today’s content. 

I did some art stuff today. Mainly Ps, Xd, and some good ole traditional sketching. I sound like I’m great at these but I’m really not. I followed some of the daily challenges over at Behance for Ps and Xd (and no, I didn’t buy any of these software, I used my work laptop for personal use but don’t tell my boss that) and then watched some more drawing livestreams. I did surprisingly well, if I could say so myself. Normally I’d give up within 30 minutes of sketching, but I held on for like, 2 hours. I know, I’m surprised as well. 

I think I might continue casually sketching. Let’s hope to all the gods in the universe that I don’t lose motivation, because I’ve wanted to draw my whole life but I give up 100% of the time because I can’t create good art. My brain doesn’t understand that good art doesn’t happen overnight. I’m training my brain to not think that anymore. 

Anyway, I was supposed to work on a website design today but I suck so bad at design that I figured that’s a problem for future me (sorry, boss!). At least I’m still working on fixing the data and encoding all kinds of shit. (Is it obvious that I’m tired of my work? I have not been paid the last two halves of my salary and yet I’m still working.)

I also started going back to meditation two nights ago. I can’t help but admit that meditation does help with anxiety and focus, even when some people might say meditation teaches people how to be okay with things that are not okay (because it calms people down or something?). I’m going to keep doing it. It does good things for my mood and overall feeling. 

Cheers! (This is how I end most of my e-mails.)

R.

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I’ve worked hard on finding myself, discovering and rediscovering who I am, what I like, and what I want. But sometimes, it still feels like I’m nowhere close to where I want to be.

The past few years of my life have been the most challenging, eye-opening, enlightening years of my life. I’ve broken down quite a lot, then I built myself back up every time. I learned things I should be learning about, and unlearned things I never should’ve learned in the first place. I dived deep into the crevices of my mind and discovered things I didn’t know were a part of me.

Over the course of those years I’ve learned how to be a better person: which steps to take to become who I want to be, how much work I should put in to something I really care about, and why I should want to be doing the things I should be doing (how to want doing them when I don’t).

And it wasn’t (isn’t) always easy. I veer off the path more often than I would like to. I don’t know how to hold on to something important. And I never really did learn how to do that. I always fall back to old habits. Nothing ever sticks.

Recently I’ve been having too many insecurities. The biggest one of all might be one involving the career path I’ve chosen to take. I just feel like I’m not good enough in the one field I know how to be good at. It’s frustrating. And even though I know that I’m just starting–I haven’t even officially graduated yet and I already have a job that will be a useful addition to my resume–I still don’t feel like it’s enough. Nothing ever feels enough. 

There’s also the problem of how I look. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve already learned how to be confident enough to know I shouldn’t look like how society expects me to look. But I’m afraid that’s not enough confidence to make me love myself as I am. Dysphoria is a big thing for most people in my community, and it frustrates me to know that for some people–including me–dysphoria might never, ever go away.

Of course these are just a couple things out of many that frustrates me to no end. Maybe I will never, ever be good enough for myself–and maybe that might be a good thing. Because I know I won’t stop bettering myself until I reach that point. On some days it will be hard, and I will have to fight my thoughts among anything else, but I still have hope that someday I will get to where I want to be.

Best wishes,
R.

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The past day and a half has been very difficult.

It’s bad enough that we have to deal with injustices everyday, but it’s even worse when we also have to deal with the fact that we can’t be there for people as much as we want to be. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose someone you love at a time like this. Mourning and grieving is not the same when we can’t physically be with people who can help us–who we want to help us–through it. 

But there’s really no other option, is there? We deal with life as it happens, and it just so happens to be this.

I’ll leave this letter short. In a few days people will go back to the way things were before this happened, except it’s never quite the same. And we have to deal with that.

Best wishes,
R.

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I recently started sending my family and close friends letters or cute cards via mail. It’s a nice, and much forgotten, way to let them know I’m always thinking about them. 💌

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feel free to do this yourself with your f/os!!

which of your f/os would hang out in a graveyard with you and which would wait outside??

f/os that would hang out in a graveyard with me

five, lydia, antisepticeye, harley, miles, velma, ambrose, carl, larry

f/os that would wait outside of the graveyard

10k, chloe, rapunzel, fluttershy, tyler, anna, toy chica, eleven, hermione, daisy, anne, stanley

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THANK YOU!💕 i’ll do this with ambrose!

⭐️ - star gazing date

we love to watch the stars!! i love moon bathing as well so we grab a blanket and lie on the grass side by side and hold hands. either of us will point out constellations or shooting stars. whenever i ask him what he wished for, he turns to me and says something cheesily romantic like “everything i wished for is right by my side.” and hgsksgsj- he’s adorable

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THANK YOU SM!💕 i’ll do this with ambrose!

attraction: are you and your f/o opposites or are you too similar?

we aren’t too similar but we have a lot of similarities like our love for poetry and fascination of magic!

inspiration: has anything you’ve seen in other media or headcanons inspired aspects of your ship?

not really, i mean i’ve read some of those “dating ambrose spellman” headcanons which kind of inspired some things but you know… i can’t remember off the top of my head and i’m tired but perhaps i’ll get back to you on that one!

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Well, of course I can’t, but let me explain what I mean.

I feel like, for the longest time, I’ve tried and tried and trying still to make art happen. All the things I want to make are already in my head, and they’re all beautiful. But I can’t make them exist. I still don’t know how to draw (it’s not because of lack of trying, I’ve tried many times; I’m just inconsistent) and I still haven’t written a word of the book I wanna write (this one I admit I haven’t been trying lately; but at least I wrote like three fan fictions).

But anyway, my point is, I don’t know how to make it happen. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. The only things I’ve ever made happen are programming and losing weight, but I feel like the approach would be somewhat similar except I’m not getting similar results. I don’t know. I’m just whining at this point.

I should be making more time for the things I want to do. I should be putting more effort on things I want to invest in. I should stop scrolling on Twitter for hours on end.

R.

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I’m bored in the house and I’m in the house bored.

I’ve been half-heartedly working the past few days. I admit I haven’t been working for full eight hours a day like I should (actually, my bosses didn’t tell me anything about the hours; they just want the work done). I’ve been working while watching Netflix usually from 10AM until 5PM. If I start a little late, I might bump it to 6:30PM. And that’s the reason why I haven’t really been studying the project lately, because I had to do something work-related where I don’t have to think a lot so I could still work while also watching.

I did that for a week and now I’m done with six seasons of a show my friend told me to watch. It was an okay show, definitely not in my top five shows but it wasn’t the worst. I just hated the fact that there were no queer women and that the sole gay guy was made to thirst? over the main white male lead. There was also little to no character development for any of the characters in the show. But it was funny, and I liked that kind of humor, so I was able to stomach it. 

Anyway, I started watching another show last night and to be honest I don’t dig it yet. I’ll give it a few more episodes until I make a final judgment though. 

Quarantine still isn’t over and people are still dying of the virus. The government is still shit.

Cheers,

R.

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Listen, I know I’m not a big ‘people person’ but I’m telling you I am also not a ‘me’ person at all. 

My self-perception is not doing well, thank you very much. Two or three nights ago I accidentally stayed up til 3AM (which I never do voluntarily because I love sleep) because I was too sad to do anything but listen to music and my thoughts. It’s bad. These days I can no longer do anything without listening to music or watching a show or movie. I need to get out of my head. 

Today I might try wearing my binder even though I will be at home the whole day. I expect it to go bad because I’ve been gaining some weight recently and if you’re a binder-wearer like me, then you know gaining weight (even a little) is a big deal (unless maybe you’re very thin?). I don’t know. I can just take it off if it makes the dysphoria even worse. I hate this.

I don’t know what else to talk about because the world is in literal chaos right now. The government is still shit. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss walking outside. I haven’t been exercising. 

See you.

R.

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…but I still don’t want to work.

The government is shit right now and I am genuinely losing sleep over it. I had to force myself to put down my phone last night and not think about anything until I fell asleep. I’ve been drowning myself in my favorite songs so I could think about something other than the situation the country is in right now. I’m angry but also scared.

I just wanna work in the office again. I want all this to be over. 

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It is day 7? 8? of community quarantine and I am losing my sanity.

I kinda don’t want to keep thinking about work anymore. I know my work is perfect for working at home, but home isn’t really the perfect workplace. I can’t escape work either because my bosses ask for daily accomplishment reports (and I cannot, for the life of me, lie even when they have no way of confirming).

On top of that, I have not been paid yet for the past 3 weeks worth of work that I’ve been doing. And I’m guessing I won’t be paid until this quarantine is over–which makes me not want to work even more. I don’t know. 

On the plus side, this is probably going to be the longest “vacation” I will have had since graduating from uni. This is literally the perfect time to work on my other skills or spend time doing things I love, but I just cannot get myself to move knowing I have work to do. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just whining. 

R.  

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