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#letters from r

Listen, I know I’m not a big ‘people person’ but I’m telling you I am also not a ‘me’ person at all. 

My self-perception is not doing well, thank you very much. Two or three nights ago I accidentally stayed up til 3AM (which I never do voluntarily because I love sleep) because I was too sad to do anything but listen to music and my thoughts. It’s bad. These days I can no longer do anything without listening to music or watching a show or movie. I need to get out of my head. 

Today I might try wearing my binder even though I will be at home the whole day. I expect it to go bad because I’ve been gaining some weight recently and if you’re a binder-wearer like me, then you know gaining weight (even a little) is a big deal (unless maybe you’re very thin?). I don’t know. I can just take it off if it makes the dysphoria even worse. I hate this.

I don’t know what else to talk about because the world is in literal chaos right now. The government is still shit. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss walking outside. I haven’t been exercising. 

See you.

R.

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…but I still don’t want to work.

The government is shit right now and I am genuinely losing sleep over it. I had to force myself to put down my phone last night and not think about anything until I fell asleep. I’ve been drowning myself in my favorite songs so I could think about something other than the situation the country is in right now. I’m angry but also scared.

I just wanna work in the office again. I want all this to be over. 

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It is day 7? 8? of community quarantine and I am losing my sanity.

I kinda don’t want to keep thinking about work anymore. I know my work is perfect for working at home, but home isn’t really the perfect workplace. I can’t escape work either because my bosses ask for daily accomplishment reports (and I cannot, for the life of me, lie even when they have no way of confirming).

On top of that, I have not been paid yet for the past 3 weeks worth of work that I’ve been doing. And I’m guessing I won’t be paid until this quarantine is over–which makes me not want to work even more. I don’t know. 

On the plus side, this is probably going to be the longest “vacation” I will have had since graduating from uni. This is literally the perfect time to work on my other skills or spend time doing things I love, but I just cannot get myself to move knowing I have work to do. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just whining. 

R.  

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You’d think in over two decades that I’ve been on this world I would’ve gotten used to that by now but nah. 

I’m surprised by how attached I am to these people who I’ve only known for less than two months. I don’t want them to leave but they have (and want) to. I’m happy for them but I’m sad about the leaving.

In connection to that, I think I’ve been having a sorta kinda crush on this one girl and didn’t really know it until she had to leave. I’ve been thinking about it for the better part of this week. I slept last night thinking about her and woke up thinking about her first thing in the morning. I don’t even know her that well. I’m not sure if it’s just a psychological thing where I’m craving for a connection and latch onto the first person who I can envision having that connection with. I’m honestly so confused. I hope I can still see her around, but the chances are low because she’s not from around here. 

Lately I’ve been trying this thing where I listen to what the universe is trying to tell me, but I don’t want to listen to this one. It’s confusing and it kinda hurts. 

Anyway, that’s all for now. Even more drama in the office these days. Will get to that next time.

R.

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I recently started sending my family and close friends letters or cute cards via mail. It’s a nice, and much forgotten, way to let them know I’m always thinking about them. 💌

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…and it’s right where I work.

After my last entry, I got even sicker despite having taken meds for a week so I had to go to the doctor again and get re-evaluated. I had a bacterial infection and had to take antibiotics, so I ended up not going to the weekend work trip (which is a Good Thing). 

All of that was about two or three weeks ago, and up to this moment my throat still isn’t completely healed. I still cough from time to time and my throat is more irritable than ever and needless to say I Am Worried For My Health. (In addition, big boss received a letter of complaint from the office next to ours regarding the negative effect of the laboratory on our health. Big boss refuses to do anything about it.)

I learned so many more things about the office than I previously did. Fortunately, nothing bad happened to me yet. My co-workers and I all agree that we seem to be living in a reality TV show with all the drama going on. I’m having fun except I am also a little bit angry about all the injustice lol.

Will write more next time when I’m no longer busy. Still need to do house stuff on the weekend after all the work stuff during the weekdays. Life is wack.

R.

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The two days after I posted my last entry were very eye-opening.

I don’t know how to explain it without giving away too much of everything (yes, I still do want to maintain anonymity despite basically writing about my whole life), but here’s the gist: this office operates under an office dynamic that is broken beyond repair. The first red flag was right under my nose the very first day, but I decided to ignore it because I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I am just now realizing how much of a big deal it actually is.

Office hours are still wack. We still work overtime with no pay, but we’re attempting a workaround. We have 12 straight days of work ahead of us starting tomorrow, and we are also going to attempt a workaround for that one although I don’t think it’s going to be successful. At this point, we’re all just trying to make our job bearable but the big bosses aren’t having it. 

The workflow theoretically exists, but it’s practically non-existent because big boss likes to order people around with no regards to the workflow that everyone is attempting to follow. Some of my workmates are doing work that they’re not supposed to be doing, i.e. it’s not their area of expertise, and we’re losing more time than necessary because they still have to learn to do the job the big boss is making them do.

Big boss is refusing to hire more people despite a reasonable demand for more. There is seriously so many things to do and we can only juggle so much. 

Anyway, that’s that on that. I’ll post more when I learn more.

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I don’t know where the title is supposed to go.

I’m almost three weeks into my job and I am tired as fuck. I’m also a little bit sick, quite literally. I think the workplace might be a breeding ground for viruses and our boss does not want to admit that it might be true. Two people have been admitted to the hospital ever since I started working. One other person aside from myself is suffering from a sore throat.

Aside from the fact that we are clearly overworked, we are also cramped into a dusty two-room office with no clear boundary lines on which space is whose (it’s an “office” except every table or surface is everybody’s table or surface).

The good news is that I finally learned how to use Photoshop. It’s actually pretty easy, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to finally sit down and work on my Photoshop skills (to be fair, my laptop hasn’t been the best candidate for Photoshop use). So far, I’ve tried my hand on making an ice cream cup logo and a plant brochure that lists information about said plant. I think they’re pretty cool, if I could say so myself.

Anyway, I’m so close to finishing another book. I just lost interest the past few days because I haven’t been feeling okay. But I do plan on finishing that within the next three days. That would put me one book advanced in my 2020 reading challenge.

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Well that’s a bummer.

So many things on my mind right now. I’m usually very composed and logical when it comes to dealing with my emotions or responses to things I don’t understand… except when those things directly involve things at home. I feel tired just writing that sentence. 

I carry so many unresolved hard feelings toward every member of the household that sometimes the littlest things can really trigger me. I probably never will unbox these feelings and will never resolve them because that’s not how things work at home, which is why I wanna get out of this place as soon as possible (which isn’t anytime soon, in this economy). I don’t know. Sometimes nothing bad happens for weeks or even months and then sometimes it all happens in a single weekend. 

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I just wanna cry. The other day my dad joined me and my mom for lunch at my mom’s office. My mom’s colleague was also there. And for some reason the topic of conversation landed on my high school experience (and that’s a bad thing when my dad is having said conversation). So there goes my dad insinuating that he basically did all my Physics problem sets for me (which isn’t true). And I just… I don’t even know why I tried to deny it. It wouldn’t work. He also once told me (and other people present during that time, I don’t even remember) that he actually approached one of my teachers and demanded why I got so high a mark in a particular subject that he didn’t think I could get such a high mark in. It’s such an asshole move, and yet I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t even know until after I finished college. 

Anyway, in one other occasion he told me I couldn’t have made it in [this highly-esteemed university] and that it was only a matter of time before I asked for a transfer (he told me this after I decided to transfer, but not because I “couldn’t have made it”, I wanted to die and I did everything I could to get away from that feeling). So many things are coming back to me. 

This entry was a woozy. It all gets worse when I start comparing his behavior towards me and his behavior towards my other siblings, then you’ll see just how much he actually doesn’t fucking care about any of my feelings. Anyway, maybe that’s a story for another time. Or maybe never. It depends.

R.

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Except it’s more physically taxing than mentally taxing. 

I worked for approximately 9 hours today, and I didn’t even do much – I just had to familiarize myself with the tasks that are assigned to me (and others, we take turns) by doing each task at least once. I only had to do two tasks today. The first one consisted of encoding data to a spreadsheet, and the second one consisted of photographing specimens. I know what you’re thinking. They are easy tasks, especially the first one where all I basically have to do is sit down and type. 

BUT the second task though! It’s somewhat frustrating because they had this portable photo studio mounted on a desk. And to be able to place the specimen into the studio I had to stand up on the desk chair, put the specimen in the studio, and then climb back down to take the picture. I did that for maybe 50 times today. It doesn’t sound like a lot but for the past 5 or so years of my life I only had to work (or study) an average 5 hours a day. My feet are sore.

The good news is that my brain isn’t fried (at least not yet). I didn’t really have to think much today, which is cool because I don’t like to think much. But tomorrow we’re supposed to look at the code and structure of the databases and websites, and we might also start coding as well, so I’m a little bit worried about that. I feel like I no longer know how to code. 

Pray for me (to whoever, I’m not picky about gods or goddesses).

R.

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My hands are glued to my phone

No, it’s not, but I’ve been on my phone for the most part of the day and I Cannot Stop.

I’ve still been watching Wynonna Earp, and enjoying it for the most part. It’s very interesting to see how much things can go wrong in a universe where demons, supernaturals, and magical guns exist. And Waverly Earp is the babiest baby (but she is still a Badass™ do not get me wrong).

Twitter’s been entertaining the past few days. It was fun watching a desperate Justin Bieber ask his fans to take him to #1 in the charts. And then earlier today Halsey released her song You should be sad and a few hours later it has surpassed JB’s song in the iTunes charts. We love to see it.

Anyway, I should really be studying (yes, for work) but sadly I am no longer in college and therefore no longer bound to the Guilt™ that comes with watching too many shows and reading too many books.

P.S. I might be regretting making another Twitter account where I just follow creators (mostly authors). They have too many sane and sensible things to say and my mind was not ready a.k.a accustomed to mindless memes.

I start work day after tomorrow. Diving in head first.

Ciao,

R.

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Work and other things I don’t understand

So two days ago I went to a job interview and it went well.

I kind of expected it to go well, not because I’m very confident in my skills but because one of my bosses is actually my college adviser and she basically offered me the job. But anyway, I will be starting my three-day orientation on Monday, which is three days away. Am I nervous? Kind of. Do I know what I’m doing? Hell no. Am I going to dive into it head first anyway? Yes, definitely yes. I feel like I’ve done too many things and made so many mistakes that at this point I’m never too worried anymore. It might be a bad thing, it might not, but I don’t care.

In other news, yesterday while I was out running errands a thought occurred to me: I am basically a big buff dude stuck inside a small little girl’s body. I don’t know why it makes sense, but it does. I will never be the big buff dude I wanna be even after years of going to the gym and lifting weights. The truth of the matter is I am under five feet, with big boobs, and curves, and everything I don’t like. And hello, dysphoria, my old friend.

Anyway, that’s that on that. Been busy watching movies and Wynonna Earp.

Later,

R.

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And also on her girlfriend Casey ‘Newton’ Gardner.

Here’s a very short update on what I’ve been doing since the new year:

I finished reading one book, which means I’m one book down and 11 more to go on my 2020 reading challenge. It does feel like cheating because I started the book around July of last year, but meh. 

I might have binged Atypical from season 1 all the way to season 3 and slept a cumulative total of 3 hours during said binge. It was worth it, except for the fact that now I have to wait for an indefinite amount of time for season 4. 

I kinda want a repeat of the ‘Yoko Ono’ scene except they kiss at the end. 

That is all. 

R.

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It’s been two weeks since the last day of college.

I am bored out of my mind, but also anxious and sort-of feeling a little, tiny, weensy bit lazy. I forgot to mention that I applied for a job as a research assistant within the same university I went to and the interview is yet to happen (my adviser said January). So there’s that to look forward to. I’m honestly not all that excited about it. It would require me to do all kinds of field work and I’m really not cut out for that life. I think the only reason why I’m deciding to push through with this is that it’s a decent first job and I won’t be away from the people I already know. I know it’s not completely out of my comfort zone but it’s still a new thing and I still consider it a win.

Anyway, I’ve watched about three different crime docuseries on Netflix and I’m about to finish my 8th book this year. I was going for 12 books, but that didn’t work out. It’s understandable, I was busy with academics. I’m still hoping I could finish a 9th book before this year ends though.

This is a really short update. I haven’t been doing anything lately. I miss the gym so much. I’m getting really fat.

R.

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I recently went out with a few friends of mine and ended up not having that much fun because of dysphoria. 

I don’t think I ever talked about my being non-binary on this blog ever, and it’s not because of a lack of problems or concerns or struggles. Being non-binary is the most un-explainable thing I have ever been / experienced / felt. I just know in my heart that I am who I am and that I feel the way I feel even though sometimes one or both of those can’t be explained in words. I’ve known that I’m non-binary for about three years now; prior to that, I just identified as a cis lesbian because that’s what I looked to be like and that’s what I (and everybody else) thought I was.

The way I found out that I’m actually not a cis lesbian but a non-binary person I had been watching this person on YouTube talk about their struggles as non-binary and how they came to know how they are non-binary. At that point I’d watched countless of other YouTubers tell their own stories about being gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, or other, but this specific video was really the one that made me have that “Oh shit, I’m non-binary.” moment. The way they talked about their insecurities about the way they look, not looking like how they’re supposed to look in their head, having thoughts similar to mine, having feelings and experiences similar to mine, it was like I suddenly found the missing puzzle piece I didn’t even know I was looking for. 

A lot of things went a lot easier after that – and a lot of things also went a lot difficult. It became easier to tell other people about myself now that I know what I am, but it’s difficult to vocalize my struggles especially when I’m surrounded by people who grew up in a hetero-normative society. It became easier to be who I am and act who I am around my parents but it’s difficult to explain why I want my breasts removed. It’s easier to know what kind of romantic partner I’m looking for but it’s difficult to explain to friends why I haven’t found (or not actively looking for) said partner yet. 

Most of the time it’s just difficult to get out of the house. It’s difficult choosing which clothes to wear so I could hide my curves better. It’s frustrating to think maybe I just need to lose weight so I could shed off all my exaggerated curves. It’s absolutely fucking exhausting to wantno, need to wear a chest binder every time I go out. And I know that not all non-binary people have this same struggle, but it’s frustrating that I am not one of those people. I wish I could be okay with how I look, but I’m not and probably won’t be for a long while. 

Anyway, whatever, I’m done talking about this. 

‘Til next time,

R.

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