I recently went out with a few friends of mine and ended up not having that much fun because of dysphoria.
I don’t think I ever talked about my being non-binary on this blog ever, and it’s not because of a lack of problems or concerns or struggles. Being non-binary is the most un-explainable thing I have ever been / experienced / felt. I just know in my heart that I am who I am and that I feel the way I feel even though sometimes one or both of those can’t be explained in words. I’ve known that I’m non-binary for about three years now; prior to that, I just identified as a cis lesbian because that’s what I looked to be like and that’s what I (and everybody else) thought I was.
The way I found out that I’m actually not a cis lesbian but a non-binary person I had been watching this person on YouTube talk about their struggles as non-binary and how they came to know how they are non-binary. At that point I’d watched countless of other YouTubers tell their own stories about being gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, or other, but this specific video was really the one that made me have that “Oh shit, I’m non-binary.” moment. The way they talked about their insecurities about the way they look, not looking like how they’re supposed to look in their head, having thoughts similar to mine, having feelings and experiences similar to mine, it was like I suddenly found the missing puzzle piece I didn’t even know I was looking for.
A lot of things went a lot easier after that – and a lot of things also went a lot difficult. It became easier to tell other people about myself now that I know what I am, but it’s difficult to vocalize my struggles especially when I’m surrounded by people who grew up in a hetero-normative society. It became easier to be who I am and act who I am around my parents but it’s difficult to explain why I want my breasts removed. It’s easier to know what kind of romantic partner I’m looking for but it’s difficult to explain to friends why I haven’t found (or not actively looking for) said partner yet.
Most of the time it’s just difficult to get out of the house. It’s difficult choosing which clothes to wear so I could hide my curves better. It’s frustrating to think maybe I just need to lose weight so I could shed off all my exaggerated curves. It’s absolutely fucking exhausting to want- no, need to wear a chest binder every time I go out. And I know that not all non-binary people have this same struggle, but it’s frustrating that I am not one of those people. I wish I could be okay with how I look, but I’m not and probably won’t be for a long while.
Anyway, whatever, I’m done talking about this.
‘Til next time,