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Hey low-key though.. distant communities of Tumblr.. whether I like you or not, if you’re not supporting something fucking toxic or dangerous, I am offering my commission services to you. Hit me up on my business contacts in my last post!

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sadlssText

We can discuss the phrase “ meant to be ”. If we wanted to drown ourselves in a sea of backwardly referential semantics. Maybe such a discussion would result in the determination that “ meant to be ” is exactly as meaningless a phrase as it seems to be, and that none of us is actually meant to be doing anything at all.

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Let me ask

Is it ok if I obsess

Over you

Not crazy obsess

But I’ll be your #1 fan

Even do a stupid dance

or 2

Just to see you smile

When the worlds getting too loud

And you need a break from reality

I can roll us some loud

Get lost in the clouds

I love being in this space with you

Even when days turn blue

There’s nothing to do

I still

Would spend them with you

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Mental Health, Food Disorder & Body Image Issues

When you recall a nerve wrecking episode that you’ve had in past again it’s painful. This dates back to few months. It had started and I didn’t really care much about it then but it developed slowly. It was all going great and then one day I just threw up everything that I had eaten. I guessed it was because of all the workload of uni and the stress that came along with it which made it happen. Also my overthinking. I didn’t care much about it and left it. A few days passed by and it reoccured. I hadn’t eaten anything from outside nor was the food bad. It was cooked at home and in hygienic condition and procedure. Maybe it was because of acidity? I didn’t care.

My exams arrived and usually during this season I don’t eat much. I have light stuff in the mornings. But then I started purging and threw it all up! This didn’t happen just for a day but for most of the days when I had an exam. It started worrying me a lot and I was anxious. I wouldn’t eat anything after and just keep sipping onto water and leave for the exam. This broke all my confidence and I couldn’t concentrate well when I was answering my papers in the exam hall. It kept happening day after day and made me feel weak like my body was giving up. After a few days I would reurgitate by myself. I was purging all that I ate in a meal. I could feel my stomach and it’s walls coming out my throat like it had been displaced from it position. It was that bad. Every time I did this I would cry and after it had stopped I would just lie down and calm myself.

Maybe I really was suffering from a food disorder all this time and I didn’t know and it hit me all of a sudden. It peaked. I still do not know what made it do so. I would want to purge all by myself hoping that all of this would go away the pain which I had in my mind of the pain of how I looked like. I’ve been struggling with body image issues for a long time now. I’ve always been confident when it came to public speaking, singing out in the crowd - loud and other acitivites but then when it came to my body, I didn’t feel myself. I wanted to love it but sadly I couldn’t. I didn’t feel “perfect” enough due to all these standards that had been developed on how one’s supposed to look like. I get it you have to be fit and healthy but that doesn’t mean that you’ll get your way through to look like somebody at the cost of your mental health. I’ve hated these body and fake beauty standards to be accepted. I’M FLAWED AND I’M HAPPY WITH IT. BUT I ALSO AM NOT. Everyone around me has never made me feel perfect for being the way I am. They couldn’t make me feel comfortable in my own skin and/or body. It’s really projected a negative impulse on me about myself. Today I can’t stop thinking of what am I gonna look like? It’s affected me in several ways. While I compliment my food disorder to let me cry about it I want to do something about it. I don’t feel like I am doing enough. My trips to gym are short lived due to my hectic itinerary. I just hate it all out here that IN TODAY’S WORLD YOU HAVE TO LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY - A PERFECT AND MARVELLOUS BEING TO BE LOVED. YOU NEED TO HAVE EVERYTHING WITH YOU TO OFFER THAT LOVE AND CARE OR NOBODY COMES TO YOU.

I’m sorry but I can just offer a heart and nothing else. I’m trying to work on myself and I hope that if you would love me you’d be there with me in my journey of self discovery and re-emergence which I’m really into. I can’t see my mental health at the edge and being tipped over. I struggle with these insecurities and I try to be the best as I don’t wanna reflect or project then on someone else for my problems. I just wish everything would go back to being normal.

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My Angel Oriana

She came to me at dawn

at the dying of the night

An angel of soft curves

and an incandescent light

I followed almost blindly

as she led me to a grove

Bluebells strokes her dress

and through her hair vines interwove

She sat me under newborn skies

and wondered gently at my life

The wind blew colder as I blushed

hand ready at the knife


She came to me at morning

just as the light begun

And asked me why I broke her heart

as if my life was done?

Tears fell, she spun away from me

and hid with wings of ether

I cried does it not scare her?

this hell that lies beneath her?

My angel turned and touched me

gently as to say

I do not fear Falling,

For I fall for you everyday


….

Advice and critique welcome!

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Today I fell

in love anew

Our bodies fresh

from evening dew

The vines thread thick

through embroiled hair

Twist, Entangle,

a tensioned snare

Under silken skies

my soul’s your devotee

Surrendering our hearts

in our Mothers debris

Put your hand in mine

and to you I’m sold

To let our flesh ripen

with reverent mould

Lovesick stone

melts under fingers entwined

Breathing you in

through the eyes of the blind

The goddess lays blessings

on your lovestained brow

I brush the leaves off,

Your mine for now

….

Advice and criticism welcome!

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