#life all about balance i guess

[forcearama]

Obi-Wan's such a compelling character to me because like. He's really thoughtful? And he's super good at his very demanding job? (JobS, plural, if you count "being a Jedi", "being a General", and "teaching/putting up with Anakin 24/7" to be separate jobs.)

He puts up with so much bullshit over the course of his life and he like doesn't even seem THAT put out by it, which by all accounts he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD BE? He's sad, yes, sometimes, it's not like he gives the impression that he doesn't give a fuck about any of it -- but he's still gonna keep getting up and showing up and maybe even getting a snarky comment and a smirk in there too? TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS, Kenobes. HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS. YOUR LIFE WAS SO SAD.

#obi wan kenobi #I am married to one of these teflon humans in real life #like my husband is just the most outrageously zen person I know #he's not immune to getting annoyed or upset about shit that deserves it #but overall he's just. SO. CHILL. #and it makes me INSANE LOL #all these many MANY years later and I'm just like HOW ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS #whatever it is #meanwhile I'm on the other side of the room being like SO GET THIS about whatever the hell i'm working myself up about this time #*laughs* #i...guess it balances out? #I'm gonna go with that ;)

[birbs-in-space]

it has been SUCH a long day

#new post #and im about to make it even longer! #anyway turns out sleeping enough can sometimes not fix your problems and may make them even worse! #i guess honestly its mostly a . im struggling to put my life back together STILL after all this time #the crux of the problem is im solely responsible for any upkeep that happens around me and the only kind of support i can get is emotional #from my friends. but my friends cant come to my apartment and wash my dishes or cook me meals or eat my food before it goes bad #nor would i want them to! (except that last one. please come to my location and eat my food) #but really its just too much. i didnt know how precarious the balance was before it collapsed or how many concessions id made with myself #to make myself functional #anyway idk how do people do it #please dont reply to this or like it or anything if you got this far dndnjdkwnd unless you want to say something silly or #offer to eat my food if youre in the area. like i saod im good on emotional support and i dont want people to worry!! #said*

[lostsouldier]

i’ve never opened up the mcu bucky & tony can of worms and i’m still scared to do it 

#idk i guess the ball is in tony's court #bucky takes responsibility for any and all crimes committed under hydra #like yeah yeah he knows it wasn't him #but if someone accuses him of killing so-and-so he won't deny it #so tony being big mad about the truth of his parents deaths #bucky will take it #he uhhhhh doesn't think he deserves to DIE over it #i mean it's complicated #his relationship with his own life and what he DESERVES is like fucked up #on the one hand he doesn't think he can repent for what he's done #on the other hand he wants to balance out the wrongs with rights ??? #but also his definition of 'right' is also #fucked up anyway #so from the outside it almost doesn't even look like he's doing good ??? #but his heart's in the right place ???? #anyway i don't know many canon tony's in the rpc so i doubt this will ever get addressed #did ca:cw even happen really #my default mcu verse is set immediately after tws and/or after endgame with every possibility of simply skipping over ca:cw bc fuck that #but willing to leave the starks on his hydra hit list tbh because it does kinda make sense #if big bad wolvie can forgive bucky for killing his preggo wife/gf ??? i'm sure tony can come around #❪ ⠀ * ⠀ gen ⠀﹕ ⠀ooc. ⠀ ❫ #tbd

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

.

#the thing about 1D and Harry Styles - #started off with such happy vibes #and now it’s made me (rightly) incredibly cynical about people #I can see why perfectly nice people can have the most repugnant views … in every day life #why they’d both want to be seen as kind #but also support the worst social policies - as the face of kindness - because they have power #and why friendships hang on tribal allegiances and not principle #and why people betray other people #supporting the ruthless way people are abused for some to rise to power #and then making excuses ‘they aren’t that bad. look at how happy everyone supporting him seems!’ #lol a tough one to swallow but #it balances out louis’ belief in people’s intrinsic goodness. I guess #my family is more like Louis. we just do things because we think it’s the right thing to do #sometimes that’s tough #but to live the other way #wouldn’t be acceptable to my parents - or me #some fans have had it and left #others probably left and became harries privately #it’s hard to see it but like Louis said— all part of the experience

[033h]

WHEN i remember that i was/am smart enough to go into academia and could literally be doing a PhD in something I’m genuinely passionate about and could be actively contributing to the field but instead chose to do something that seemed easier but is boring... i pretend i do not see it.

#this is literally high school me debating art school all over again #i would say im pragmatic but honestly im kind of just lazy... the work/life balance of academic is not something i could survive #well like i could but i wouldnt be me anymore... but maybe sacrificing a version of myself would be worth it #i guess ill probably never know :-) #how can i not have a 'career' and still be having a crisis about it. quarter life crisis. #i envy the passionate people in my program tbh that could not be me. i hate contributing i just want to think about nuance and poke holes

[audzarts]

i literally only use @audzarts-rb for reblogs and reblogs ONLY that only now have i noticed that it still has the balance : unlimited layout on it

#quality #have a rich sugar daddy to simp on #audz says this #only now do i also rlly think about balanced unlimited's as an anime #honestly it was #okay #i guess #nothing completely jarring nor boring #tho i can say the life of the fanbase was as long as a firework #2020 really just said and that was all it #haru and daisuke has a funny detective dynamic me thinks

[tired-bi-andreadytodie]

me: you know it's really beautiful, how the human mind, despite having all it's complexity and it's doubts and questions, can find a way, a path to the world around it. to the chaotic changing world that doesn't know any rest. to other people, to minds that are no less complex and each unique in their form and "identity". this is the beauty of humanity, this is our precious marvelous potential that can be used to improve the entire world out there and change the flaws we have to the heaven this world deserves and-

also me: yeah yeah alright, nice lecture, even quite catching i admit, but that's not gonna change the fact that i can't be trusted around people without either making an absolute fool/bitch of myself or drain myself with hyper-empathy and getting too emotionally invested in "the way bees fly up under the spring sun in a 30% clouded sky" and either way, running away from them, so stop seducing me into healthy interpersonal connections.

#random shit #my life is a joke and so am i #uuuuh yeah fuck it i guess but i mean i'm trying to feel good so let's see this as #just opening about my feelings #rather than ranting #have a nice day yall #or a nice afternoon #or evening #or night #adhd #adhd problems #bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd problems #i'm also enfj 8w7 struggling with all this shit which i think just make things even more complecated #like no #zero #emotional balance #enfj problems

[iserlohnfortress]

i wonder if my discomfort with regards to burdening people actually makes people see me as distant

#rita rants #i've started to notice i tend to cultivate pretty one-sided relationships #with some exceptions of course #because i only feel at ease when i'm giving things away #and never when i'm accepting them #and yeah i have all this love to give #all this dedication #but i don't really... like to see it reflected back at me? #and i don't think it's necessarily because i think i'm unworthy of it or don't deserve it #more like i don't need it? i guess? which is silly because obviously i do #but i always return to this feeling of 'other people have it worse than i do and i have been living a mostly charmed life' #i just think that sure i'm sad but i'm not miserable and i can in fact feel rather content and even confident at times #and i have been feeling better after years of working on myself #so i've come to a point in which i feel like my sorrows don't match up to everyone else's #and that they need someone in their corner more than i need someone in mine (because if all else fails i'll still have my own back) #but that's not really how it works? i can talk to people about the things that trouble me without being a burden on their heart #but that idea hasn't quite sunken in yet #and other people also probably pick up on the lack of balance? and i'm sure a bunch of them probably don't appreciate #being in the vulnerable position of always asking #i need to work on this #and realize that i'm not necessarily being good to people by 'mothering' them

[iconicscullyoutfits]

maybe i do really want to do ob/gyn because i love women and babies but also i AM a women so i love myself and i WANT babies and those things feel like opposing desires

#i have like 2 years to figure it out #really the big question mark is finding a partner who will enable and support a balance of work/life as best as possible #and not feel sidelined or begrudge my commitments. or not be so busy themselves that we're both in high demand constantly #except that i actually want to spend time with my kids myself as well #and i've been given the opportunity of stay-at-home dad's and said no thanks sorry #i do still like that one paediatric department a lot and i much prefer the lifestyle #but women!!! and talking to them about family and fertility and sexuality and relationships and their physical health is so so interesting #and being an integral part of this invigorating part of medicine - creating life and young people in love wanting to physicalise their love #it's fascinating #compared to every other adult health speciality which is mostly geriatrics with chronic and recurrent issues #my first two terms next year are obgyn and paediatrics so hopefully i will make a decision by mid-year #i know i CAN work that hard and i would. but i dont know if i want to. but i also do. but i also really really need a peaceful good family #my mum believes i can have it all because she thinks a lot of me and she has always had dreams for me #but i dont want to do it for those reasons #whatever happens happens i guess #there's job-sharing now anyway so you can work part-time with another parent for a few years. we'll see #you may think 22 is too young to be worrying about this but girls in med get told to worry about this BEFORE they enter the course. at 17

[waterberry-strawmelon]

Hi I’m back :)

#long time no see by my standards lol #so basically: #I’ve had several moments of realization lately where I’m like ‘huh. So the majority of people I know and meet irl #dont know half the shit I do about either whats going on in the world or abt social justice issues (that a lot of my newer friends kinda #just know surface level stuff about? and i dont want to sound pretentious at all in this. and i myself am soooo not an expert on any of #these issues and am continuing to learn obviously #but i think thats whats making it feel so weird? cuz if I'M still correcting myself (as everyone is really) and the ppl i know aren't even #beyond (what i consider to be) performative surface level shit. then what the hell does that say about what they do know???) #i guess you could call it a reality check #It’s an important balance between remaining present in real life and not letting online spaces like tumblr consume your life #is just so much higher than that of the people I know irl. I wish I could find a group of ppl irl who fucking GET this stuff. #not to sound like a basement dweller lmfao. #I guess I could also try to look around at extracurricular groups but schoolwork is already so consuming and also I uhhh have anxiety. So. #ANYWAY ignore my personal dump if you’d like #this is all to say that im probably gonna start being a little more active on here again #BUT like i said: it's a balance. #i think my mental health has been better since i deleted the app off my phone; and yet i also miss seeing actual good takes #and actually learning and unlearning shit in order to be more socially aware and active. #just some thoughts #mine

[aro-culture-is]

I'm th anon asking about tagging ab*rtion mentions, I have the tags #abortion ment and #miscarriage blocked. Thanks very much for being so sweet about this, by the way, and thanks for being s considerate

Okay! I'll add them to the list sometime tomorrow.

It's no problem, really! A lot of my therapy revolves around trauma, and I want to provide a space for others to feel safe with that too.

I try to be trigger sensitive both as a person who has triggers and as someone who struggles with the urge to intentionally trigger myself when I feel well. I hope that by providing the ability to have a totally judgement free process around asking for triggers to be tagged, more people like me who don't always feel "worthy" of asking people to tag our uncommon triggers can have a positive experience with it.

I hope you have a good day!

#not aro #not aro culture #ask #trigger ask #btw... #guess who found out at xyr last therapy appt that xe had secret diagnoses that somehow never got communicated to xem? #this individual right here!! #in other words though i basically have the DSM-5 friendly version of the C-PTSD diagnosis #with the lovely name of Other Specified Trauma Related Disorder #yeah who knew emotional abuse and repeated experiences with being used by toxic people + being bullied + early memories of traumatic stuff #could result in a trauma related disorder 👀 #but for any anxious and/or highly empathetic ppl out there dont worry I'm honestly doing okay #to borrow a previous tag of mine #i basically never learned how to process emotions in a healthy manner and just unlocked thw ability to yeet myself out of my mortal coil #but it turns out that can be a healthy way to deal with things in moderation! and im learning about that balance in my life and how to Not #i can definitely say that one of my biggest 🤯 moments in therapy thus far was my therapist telling me that i have permission to dissociate #also their dog sleeps on their lap during our zoom therapy and it's freaking adorable #but yeah all of this to say i have diagnoses and I'm excited to be able to use those to get real accommodations to help me deal with college #mod kee

[zayathekid]

Idk if this is too personal but why isn’t Lo able to help contribute?

when he quit his job, while it was during the pandemic it wasn't Because of the pandemic and he knows better than anyone that that corporation has a habit of going back and changing the reason someone left in their files to bar unemployment claims or anything of the sort. so he can't really file for any assistance and he can't go out to work bc we live in phoenix which is just a disgusting hotbed right now, so id rather handle it than put him through that. ive got those 3D commissions I want open by next week which should swing it, im just anxious y'know

#she knows i need to save up ~10k by the middle of next year bc shes the one who crunched the numbers #so im just. endlessly irritared w her. ahet cleaely didnt miss the monet bc shes the one who said i was ahead on rent #like im sorry! it's a chunk of change i know! but im also wholly supporting her son under her own roof! #she knows im trying to do that AND set aside money! for our name changes and passports and tickets and nest egg to immigrate #so why go through all the effort and see that she fucked up the numbers and bring that to me so solemnly like #well i guess you owe me over a grand ... #now? we need to do this now? cant you take a rain vheck for a year because again- she didnt miss the money for rent WHEN she said it #rents doing Fine we havent been late on a payment once #so like ! why cant you let us handle our shit and worry about this after we so everything #were teying to afford an entire life right now im just really irritated about the timing bc now this is on my mind constantly #nvm that rent went up since then and npq i need to worry about $1500 for this month when pua dropped to $1200 monthly #which also has to cover food! and meds! from the remaining balance of -$300 :) #irritated ouggggg #but again. again! itll be fine. i just need to finish these opening collaborations so i can start my 3d commissions

[salzundhonig]

Life just keeps happening huh

#not to vague blog about my own life but sometimes things come up into your schedule that make you feel so sick #it's unexpected i wasn't prepared to be thrown back into memories of some of the most awful stuff I've lived #like give me a week notice at least if you're gonna throw this on me #i have things to do and now my brain is stuck on loop for this thing it just keeps playing memories and bad stufd #and the anxiety is raising by the minutes and fuck #i hate this! i had a schedule! and now it's all fucked because of this thing outside of my control that I've been dragged into in the first #place not by my fault! nothing that's happening is because of me and still I feel sick just thinking about it #anyway that post that was like things happen and they keep happening and they pile up and overlap? #i currently have three (3) major life decision to make in the following month and now i get this thrown into the mix #just to fuck everything up and throw me off balance and make me second guess every #everything* #brain leak #dont rb

[caroloftheshells]

some guy william robin is out there just eviscerating american comp culture in all the big musicology journals and now that i’ve started reading his stuff for one of my classes i’m like. hm. so that DID happen and it WASN’T just me

#last thing i read of his was about the whole thing where students (reading as.... those paying for the opportunity to do so) #will write these hyperspecific '3 cellos and a didgeridoo' sorts of pieces for some new music ensemble to read #which then will play them maybe once & not incorporate them into their rep; and also occasionally not even give composers due credit #or like 'ownership' of the music bc as it becomes part of the '3 cellos and a didgeridoo ensemble' rep it starts 'belonging' to the ensemble #which functions more as a brand or a band in its own right rather than merely a presenter of x type of music #so the upshot is you have all these people vying for absolutely ridiculous opportunities of oneshot performances #that don't actually go anywhere re publication compensation or future performances / recordings #and that may or may not actually reflect the music said person wants to write; is good at writing; OR will profit from writing #unless or until you have famous friends and the 'collaboration' aspect becomes more of a level playing field & a (semi)permanent arrangement #so it's the classic 'exposure' thing but then you don't even actually get exposure bc most of the time it won't get played again #which is i guess kinda specific to notated music as an ephemeral / temporally experienced art form that you can put effort into as a writer #but that ultimately rests on others' cooperation for its existence and can't be shared with an audience as-is #anyway. interesting article #called 'balance problems' #comp tag #carol overreacts to life #my own experience was that i kinda liked doing those things / being assigned to specific readings bc it really got me out of my comfort zone #but now i have sax & guitar duo music; sax & vibraphone duo music; flute-clarinet-trumpet-horn-piano-perc-cello-bass music; etc #kind of floating around that is not really 'marketable' in the same way as; say; a string quartet or a reed quintet or pierrot/pierrot+ #and most of it is also just kind of trashy and not my style. except the aforementioned fl-cl-tr-hn-pno-perc-vc-cb piece which i do love #and which i did end up rearranging for pierrot+ so it could actually get played lol #anyway. i'm so jealous the duke people in this article got to work with ben folds. *i'm* from nc and *i* want to meet ben folds. >:(

[mrfoox]

Trying to balance my own mental state as I'm in the middle of getting my life on track in the middle of an pandemic sure is a game of stress

#miranda talking shit #People probably look at me and think I'm a selfish prick which is fine bc i think six times worse things about myself #I guess i could put everything on hold til this is over but ive already been transitioning into having suicidal ideas and thoughts #On a weekly basis since autmn began #And if i continue living here without setting all this up mom have to pay for my apartment and all the bills that is included #Theres more than one reason i sleep 24 hours at least once a week now #I can say majority of it is mental based issues.... #Trying to not fall into my normal trap of bad spirials while also not going in public more than i have to etc #Like im planning in more than one meetings per day which i know kills me mentally #Bc then i wont have to go in public and be a problem later that week again #Im a selfish asshole i know this but also need to learn to think about myself... Bc apperantly doing thimgs that are bad for you to make #Others better your whole life hasnt done me any favors and unlearning it isnt gonna be done in a week #Ive been on a diet without actual food for a year now... Living on milk and candy 5-6 days a week so i dont use up more food so my parents #Have to buy food more often.... #Im a piece of shit and i know it but i am actually trying to balance things despite how awful it looks #Im too tired to talk to friends and i feel like walking in front of a train but im actually trying to keep myself alivr and others #Im never gonna be able to do enough on anyone elses stardards bc i dont work the same way they do but i am doing what i can #Negative

[naggingatlas]

i dont know if i can handle the tng movies rn

#its not data's oh shit its the how the fuck are you alive guys crashlanding scene #which made me so so excruciatingly and uncomfortably tense #ive had a rough day i mean but #i dont know if its 'just rough' or have i like #matured today #i try to analyze every piece of media i come across and st is special in the regard that it kinda taught me how to do that??? #so i take it #even more personally i guess #the point is i was just very overwhelmed in the last 15 hours #its like all the bad news hitting in one day but you #understand that theres a lot of hope too?? and thats kinda how shit has been going for me lately #its the capitalism and whats the max i can do in life wo going full insane and balancing every act thoughts mostly #everything else is almost as fine as i can get it to be #balance balance balance its all about fucking balance #but it is so gratifying when you find it you know why because its good #balance is so fucking good #anyway starting serious work on dweebz this december #i think thats great timing

[whitewolf634]

feeling wild outdated with my interests

#too tired to consume new content #it's been forever since i picked up a new anime. i'm reading some manga sometimes but manga fandoms are little #>and doujinshi #and per things i'm enjoying i just don't enjoy them as much as i used to enjoy things #i'm just tired and stressed all the time i guess #quarantining with my family isn't helping anything either haha #i miss feeling like a part of a fandom and getting EXCITED about everything #whether it's new episodes/chapters or comics from creators idk #also...wow. i feel a little old for a lot of media now #19 isn't that old but i feel out of place on ye olde tumbles and like a Whole Granny on ig #i'm understanding now how uncomfortable is can be to have a following of 13-15 year olds. feels weird just cursing on posts #my post #the landscape changes so quickly and i'm struggling to adjust while also balancing real life

[noheroes-allowed]

I hate how volatile my moods are. like I woke up feeling stressed on wednesday bc of my assignments. but then it started raining and I got out of bed really late after listening to a song I loved and the ambiance of that against the rain lifted me. and then he asked me to get dinner with everyone and I got so excited. but thursday I was tired for no reason and ate caffeine in the evening so I could enjoy dinner, which I did. and I was fine until literally midday friday when this intense sadness just washed over me. and why? friday was so non-stressful on paper. why? all I did was lay in bed and read. and then in the evening I had a slight breakdown but I didn’t let myself go through it and started doing homework instead bc I suddenly felt like I just needed to be productive and I was wasting time. this morning I tried to be functional. I went to ithaca tofu hoping to buy mooncakes but I should’ve known they would’ve been out of stock by now and bought snacks to try to make myself feel better that weren’t really worth the price. and this snack I loved when I was in china at 12 years old was on sale, and I haven’t had it since 2017 probably and I bought it for myself and yet I felt nothing. no excitement. 

the guy directing the covid test this morning asked me if I was having a good day and I said ‘I guess.’ he asked what would make it better and I don’t know. I didn’t even do anything today. all I did was cook and eat and read and walk around and do the things I supposedly enjoy and yet nothing. what’s wrong with me? why did I feel so fucking down for no fucking reason? I’m trying to understand it but it doesn’t make sense. nothing even happened. nothing fucking happened. I just. can’t fucking function and be a normal human being. 

on thursday, dhanush said something offhandedly to sergio that this was our final year and sergio better treat us well. jokingly. and idk maybe that stirred something in me. and on friday I had a dream about someone I cared about who’s no longer in my life and even in my dreams we were distant and awkward. and how jenny applied to segc and I feel like she was trying to catch me up with things about her. and how ivy made me feel like she didn’t actually expect me to take up on her offer of hanging out. and how I called maggie last saturday and we were talking about jobs and interviews and where we’ll be in a year. and maybe I’m thinking about how as the years go on, it just seems like I’m losing people so quickly. not to be dramatic but my circle just keeps dwindling, and if not dwindling, shifting in the nature of our relationships, and who do I even feel comfortable around anymore? and maybe I’m thinking about how my life is going to look like in a year. and just. what is the goddamn point of it all? these people in my life right now holding on by a string, I won’t even know them in a year. maybe I’m thinking about how transient and circumstantial everything is and ‘in this terrifying world, all we have are the connections we make.’ but what the hell are my connections? how many will I have remaining? 

I’m retroactively lonely and I’m proactively lonely. I’m goddamn lonely. there’s no one I can talk to about my day. I want to talk about stupid shit that goes on during my day. like my monday interview when my interviewer said ‘maybe I’ll see you in a conference call one day’ or the puppy wrapped up in a blanket I saw or the string lights that were hung up on the suspension bridge for one day that would’ve made it so pretty for next thursday but they’re no longer there now or the book I’m reading and how I think it may be contributing to how sad I am lately bc it’s about this group of four friends and just their relationships with other people and each other and how their bonds have changed over time and how fragile even their relationships are when they were so fucking strong in the beginning or the snacks I bought this morning and how I should be so happy eating those dumb potato chips I used to love as a kid that I haven’t had in years but I just felt like shit bc I’ve been eating and eating all day. 

I have been trying really hard lately to enjoy the little things and try to find things I love and letting myself do the things I love. but it’s hard when the thing I really want is people in my life. good people, good relationships, meaning to my life. I hate how intensely I’m feeling things right now. I think this is who I truly am. I’ve been trying to be more laid-back recently not just for school, but for life things too. and I think part of me was trying to fit into this fake it until you make it mentality. I faked it but I didn’t make it. I feel like there’s a timer on my life right now. maybe I’m thinking about that a part of me was probably trying to protect myself by concluding I didn’t want an actual relationship just bc of the timing of everything and. idk is a part of me holding back bc I’m scared? bc he’s told me what he wants. and what if I trying to de-intensify myself so I can fit into that mold. when he told me how the girl he went out with on a thursday, wanted to facetime him on a sunday and in the moment I truly thought, and said ‘that’s a lot.’ (although, maybe part of me thought that way bc they had just met.) but today, I was walking to campus to read at the grassy part above the bookstore and I just wanted to talk to him and see him. and I was acting exactly the way I thought was too much. so what does that say? am I like her? do I want what she wanted? do I want more of him then I let on? I don’t know what I want. and I don’t know what a fucking relationship is. and I can’t sort out or process my feelings and I can’t tell what’s platonic or romantic or real or fake. everything is just a fucking jumbled mess in my head. bc he’s my friend and I already want him in my life and what the hell else do I want. I think this breakdown is so poorly timed bc I can’t compound this with his rejection next thursday. but I need to tell him so I can fucking move beyond it. even though a part of me, a large part of me honestly, will miss speculating if he likes me back. bc then everything will be crystal clear. and I know this sounds fucking insane bc a part of me feels like the other time I felt this way was my last month at umd when I felt like there was a timer on my life. and objectively this timer is longer and I should still be able to enjoy the time I currently have without thinking about their endings. but I guess. I think keith is one of my closest friends right now, just due to the sad nature of my life I’ve hung out with him the most these days, but I don’t think he would consider me the same just given what I know about his circle. but I think I’m missing him already. are we going to be friends in a year? him with his (and mine) dislike for texting and his feeling that facetimes make him feel like he could be doing something else instead. I think our connection is circumstantial (like maggie’s, and ivy’s, and anyone in segc) and we will lose touch so quickly. and fuck how did I think I could do anything casual? we’re not even in a fucking relationship and I’m fucking thinking about how much I’ll miss him in a year. and now I keep second guessing asking to see him bc I don’t want to be too needy and I know he doesn’t like that but. I want to talk to him. it’s a good thing he was busy today bc I might’ve dumped like half of this post onto him in person and that would’ve been embarrassing. I’m mourning something I haven’t lost yet but I know I’m gonna lose. also a part of me can’t stomach the idea that there’s a chance he’s gonna distance himself from me so I can ‘move on’ but. that will literally hurt me more than him just not liking me back.

idk everything just piled on and I just want to stop thinking about the meaning of life and what my life is going to look like in a year, five, twenty, and my fucking relationships and my fucking lack of relationships. I just want to stop thinking so much and getting caught in my head and just be carefree and happy. why is it I can never just be content and satisfied? why do I make up these inane problems in my head? like, was I not happy two days ago at dinner? three days ago with the rain and the texts and finishing my assignments an hour and a half before I expected? five days ago when I felt like my interview went well? I was happy right? why can’t I just hold onto that?

#remarks #this isn't all about my dumb crush #can I just clarify #I don't want to this to sound like melodramatic teenage angst #I just feel lonely and aimless. and would someone just clue me in on what the hell this is all moving towards? #what the fuck is the point? #also I think I need to surround myself with more lighthearted media. bc everything I'm reading lately is... really not #but I'm loving a little life so much. and I know that something is going to happen that is gonna destroy me emotionally so I'm conflicted on #if I should keep going rn or if I should take a break. bc it's so good but also I know if I keep going it's literally going to compound my #breakdown. um we'll see I guess #also what's lighthearted? idk. I've been thinking about rewatching new girl lately. is that what I need? #also in a fucked up contradictory way. I did well on some assignments that originally I was trying to be chill about #but now I feel like I need to maintain those grades. and I feel this bigger pressure now to keep them up #and this was exactly what I was trying to tamper down and I fucking tried and no. this is just me I guess #I just. wanted to be more balanced in life. but I ended up where I always were #was* #how do I answer honestly about how I’m feeling? ‘I’m lonely’ doesn’t encompass it #‘there is a kind of loneliness that comes from being with people.’ #I think that’s how I feel with a lot of this hanging on by a strong relationships #string*

[crustaceanenjoyer]

Not sure how but old time-y misogyny is both boring and scandalous... like... what if someone called a woman a shrew... makes me wanna yawn AND punch them in the jaw... and thats unbiased journalism for u

#anyone who seripusly thinks theres unbiased journalism basically is on the level of thinking the political spectrum is limited #to the comments in the youtube sections of a beatles song... #is this a useful allegory? NO. did i forget my point bc i distracted myself Yes #its night i should sleep but aaaaaAAAAAAA #habits.. routines... out of whack... not dealing with Stuff all that well #im not a particularly rigid person whatever tht means i think???? i think???? #its just tht my daily life is a balancing act bc i struggle with the executive function troubles! so i come to rely on sameness #for the eay to day stuff to work smoothly?? makes sense kinda #i guess thats probbly what rigidity is often though???????? idk??? but i feel like neurotypicals talk about rigidity as something more #mystical??? or Strange and Other which is why i cant always see myself in the ways they describe autism and rigidity and stuff bc like.. #its not that weird its just literally how life is djdhhsndvf #i dont go around calling neurotypical ways of doing things Strange and Different in some unexplainable way #you know what thats not true probably. but u see my point. ofc it doesnt sound accurate bc its not an oddity to me its daily existance #and to them the defining factor is Odd and Different i feel like. but im the same old me and very much used to the way i am so why would #i see myself that way??? #idk im not making all the sense but points were made regardless ^_^

[abiik]

.

#h talks. #me: stays up all night with the homie talking about ocs #me: finally accidentally passes out at like 8 #my mom: [banging pots together] TIME TO /FUCKING/ WAKE UP #two hours #i guess this is my fault #but also there was no chance of me being able to fall asleep last night in the first place so like ..... bc i was feeling really sick #but now i feel even worse #and i cannot eXPLAIN TO HER yes i didnt sleep last night & heres why u should let me sleep for a few more hours #bc it is Not about Me #it was never about Me #it is about Her #when it all comes down to it my problems [sHWOOP] sorry bout that sorry i even bothered ill just u know :) ill be over here just :) im fine #i would hvae stayed up anyway bc i wasnt feeling well & i havent been able to figure out what's wrong #and like i was just telling her what was wrong and she was like 'ugh i cant do this anymore' and its like #OKAY OKAY I SEE YES GOT IT!!!!!!! OKAY I KNOW I HAVE K N O W N HOW INSIGNIFICANT MY ISSUES HAVE BEEN #SINCE THE /MOMENT/ THE TWINS WERE BORN OKAY!!!!! IVE KNOWN I KNOOOOWW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I INWOOOOOOWOWOOWOEOWOE I KNOW HOW I MUCH #MY ISSUES AND FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS AND WHATEVER ACTUALLY MAKES ME A REAL LIFE HUMAN BEING DOESNT #ACTUALLY MATTER TO YOU UNTIL IT MESSES WITH THE NATURAL BALANCE OF THINGS LIKE THE ORDER OF THE HOUSE #but DONT YOU WORRY!!!! DONT YOU WORRY!!!!! I WONT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!!!! THAT'S OKAY!!!!! #YOU'RE PERSONAL DUMP WILL BE FINE ILL BE FINE IT'S OKAY ILL BE FINE :) I WILL BE MHM #i will figure it out on my own in the next few days as you practically ignore me and isolate me #and when u decide to suddenly bombard me again with all of the nonexistent family drama once the isolation period is over #let us hope that i am able to function without feeling like im about to keel over :) #negative / #sorry it is.....a bad morning #v grumpy atm and upset #woke up from my 'nap' pissed off bc those were the first words spoken to me today #& as i have been doing a recent trip down memory lane if u couldnt tell from my hair getting stuck in drills + vacuums + rc helicopters #+ the one about sticking a key in a light socket