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#life always reminds me that just because things aren't going to go according to my plan that doesn't mean things aren't going to work out
Note
hi, i love ur writing sm!! my prompt is 116 for spommy (i have guitarist spencer brainrot) -kit
116. “you wrote me a song?”
linked on ao3 || read under the cut || 9.6k, rated teen
summary:
five times tommy and spencer shared clothes and accessories and it wasn't a big deal, and one time they shared clothes and it was a very big fucking deal.
It begins, like most things, innocuously. Very rarely do the important things in life announce themselves. Very rarely do they feel the need to tell you: "Hello. You don't know me yet, but you will." And oh, you will. The important things sneak their way into your life, wiggle beneath the door you were sure was safely closed, find cracks between the floorboards to make themselves comfortable within until they decide you're ready for them. Or until the universe does. However that works. Spencer doesn't fucking know. It feels like every important thing that ever came into his life was a matter of luck and opportunity, impulse and split second decisions. He doesn't know that anything in his whole life went exactly according to plan.
This, though, this begins with a slight weight against Spencer's chest, his fingers grasping at something not his own, and a question. It's not even like the question is completely out of the blue, really. A few of them are standing in the hall talking, shooting the shit between shoots when they have a few minutes when they aren't technically supposed to be doing anything, so what's it matter if they take a second? Spencer is listening to and occasionally chiming in on a conversation about anime when he hears his name.
"Hey Spencer, isn't that Tommy's necklace?" Kimmy asks, her head tilted to the side as she moves closer to Spencer to inspect him. Blinking in surprise, Spencer looks down at the pendant in his hand. He hadn't thought about it since he put it on, really, just performed those morning tasks that a person performs most every day and went on with his life. Looking at it, having his attention focused upon it, it feels much heavier than it did before.
"Oh yeah, he left it on my sink and I wanted to make sure I brought it back to him. Thanks for reminding me," Spencer says, already setting down the hallway. He doesn't even realize that he's left mid conversation until he's halfway across the building, but well. He doesn't want to forget about it again. He knows how much Tommy wears this thing, and he's gotta be at least somewhat attached to it, and that makes it precious, in a way. He doesn't want to examine why something that matters to Tommy might matter more to Spencer than if it were another friend, how close he feels to Tommy's happiness, how being around Tommy Bowe is a fire he can warm his hands against. Not that he touches Tommy all that often. They're friends. He clears his throat when he gets to Tommy's desk, knocking on the surface of it. Tommy startles, taking his headphones down from his ears and letting them rest around his neck and lifting his head to look at Spencer.
"Hey, bub, what's up?" Tommy asks, that gentle tone to his voice that always feels like he uses it for Spencer alone. He knows that isn't the case, okay? He's not fully delusional. Sometimes it's just nice to let himself hope, you know? To let himself dream.
"You forgot your necklace on my bathroom counter," he say plainly, holding the pendant in his hand again. Tommy makes a small happy noise, reaching up and grabbing it between his fingers, Spencer's own hand falling away. He doesn't pull it up and off of Spencer, just pulls Spencer a half step forward to assuage his own worry that he's going to fucking break Tommy's necklace by not allowing himself to be moved by it. Tommy smiles at him so brightly, though. That's pretty fucking nice.
"I was wondering where it was! You could have just texted me about it, I would have come to get it. Not because I'm that committed to wearing it or anything, but better that than you having to walk across the building just to give it to me, not to mention remembering it at all," Tommy rambles, free hand gesticulating slightly with the ebb and flow of his words. He loves listening to him talk. He clears his throat again instead of giving in to the dopey smile that wants to make its way across his face.
"I really don't mind. It was kind of nice, actually. Having something to fidget with that wasn't, like, conspicuous. The weight. I dig it, man," Spencer says, shrugging his shoulders. Tommy raises his eyebrows, fond amusement coloring his expression. Spencer fights down the flustered feeling trying to take root in his chest, more akin to a stubborn vine than butterflies taking off.
"Why don't you hold onto it for me, then? For the rest of the day, at least. See if it's something you like?" Tommy offers, pulling Spencer gently forward again. Spencer looks down at the necklace, at Tommy's hand with knuckles against his chest, and clears his throat a third fucking time. He should decline keeping the necklace, though. It'll just make him think about Tommy all day, and he doesn't need that kind of distraction.
"You, uh- you wouldn't mind?" is what comes out of his mouth instead, and he brings a hand to rub at the back of his neck as it warms with his awful full body blush. It's not really full body, that's obviously dramatic, but it's his face, and his throat, and down his chest, across his ears, heat crawling down the back of his neck. It always feels like everybody in the room knows exactly what he's thinking when he flushes like that. Tommy's still looking at him with fondness, though, so he can't imagine all of his thoughts are telegraphed by his involuntary physiological response to his own emotions.
"Not a bit," Tommy says, twisting the chord of the necklace around his pointer finger as he continues, "I already got used to not having it on today. You could keep it til Saturday, we could go get you your own this weekend?" It legitimately takes Spencer a second to realize he's been asked a question; Tommy is absently rubbing his first two knuckles up and down Spencer's sternum. The consciousness of that touch makes Spencer's breath feel short in his chest.
"Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool," Spencer says, nodding. Clearing his throat for a fourth fucking time, he looks down at Tommy's hand more pointedly and then over, making eye contact with him. Tommy looks down at his own hand as if it had been moved from where he could have sworn he had left it, blinking rapidly before untangling his fingers from the chord. Spencer just barely stops himself from catching Tommy's hand, from pulling it back to his chest. Instead he smiles down at Tommy, bumping his knee against Tommy's own. Tommy rolls his eyes, but he still can't keep the fondness off his face.
"Go back to work," he says, laying his palm flat on Spencer's chest and pushing him away gently. Never one to miss a bit, Spencer falls back dramatically, pretending to stumble over his own feet and actually stumbling a little in the process. Tommy's adorable, fucking loud honk of a laugh rings through the air, and it's worth it to embarrass himself a little for that. He shoots Tommy a grin over his shoulder and leaves as directed, heading back to his own desk with the dumbest fucking grin on his face. Kimmy raises her eyebrows at him when he comes back, clocking both the dopey expression and that Tommy's necklace was still in his possession. Instead of entertaining the rapid fire questioning that is sure to follow the look she gives him, he sticks his headphones on and smiles at her, shrugging his shoulders and pointing at the headphones as if he hadn't just placed them there himself. She rolls her eyes, but she does it with a smile and gets back to her own shit after, so it's fine. Everything is fine.
Strangely enough, the next instance happens not two weeks later, like there was some Baader–Meinhof situation going on behind the scenes. Tommy only knows what the Baader–Meinhof thing is because of iconic camp nightmare The Raspberry Reich. The revolution is my boyfriend. Heterosexuality is the opiate of the masses. Lines of all time. More to the point, it's not like he was going to independently research an obscure phenomenon he had never heard of before, so his first time hearing of it was Raspberry Reich, it's all very normal. Don't think about it.
Anyway! Not two weeks after seeing Spencer with his necklace around his neck turned his brain to soup and made him incapable of passably human conversation and behavior, Spencer leaves his sweatshirt in Tommy's living room. And it's not like Tommy can just leave it there when Spencer was so sweet about his necklace. And Spencer had done the same thing with his necklace, really. He can't really imagine that wearing that was as nice as this, as tucking his nose beneath the collar of the sweatshirt and breathing in, as feeling that same sense of comfort and safety that Spencer himself gives Tommy when he's not even there himself. Not that he's ever told Spencer that that's a feeling he gets, he's not trying to fuck up their gig. He loves his friendship with Spencer. He loves Spencer.
But honestly the thing is, the real reason Tommy wears Spencer's sweatshirt the entire night before he brings it back to him and into the office the next day, what actually motivates him to do something as weird as wearing his dear friend's clothes around like their relationship is something different than it is, is simple really: he wants to wear it. He wants the sweater sleeves to come down over his hands, he wants to think about Spencer actually giving his sweatshirt on purpose, he wants to pretend for a minute that this can happen. Just because Spencer came out to him doesn't mean that Spencer wants him. Reminding himself of that never really hurts any less.
He should give it back as soon as he gets to the office, right? That's what a normal person would do at this juncture. Instead, Tommy goes to his own desk rather than Spencer's, putting on headphones immediately instead of diving into the typical morning conversation. Nothing can happen in this office without it trickling down the Smosh grapevine, no matter how trivial that happening might be. If he already gets into office conversation, Courtney will most definitely know that he's wearing Spencer's clothes before lunch and that cannot happen. They're the only one who knows how he feels, so far as Spencer is concerned. If he doesn't want to be made fun of for this all week, he should take it off. Still, he doesn't.
He doesn't see Spencer til sometime after lunch; Tommy's not exactly sure how long it's been since lunch, stewing in an editing fugue. Spencer had actually come to find him as well- Tommy had still been convincing himself that this didn't have to happen and if they just didn't talk about it, it didn't have to be a thing, but Spencer had apparently needed to show him some Reddit post but wanted to see his face when he read it, so he didn't want to send it over. Tommy is distracted enough by gagging at one of the most disgusting stories he's ever heard- men are disgusting- that he forgets he's even supposed to be talking to Spencer about anything, just enjoying his presence and hearing his laugh. Liking someone is the most embarrassing thing in the world. Eventually, though, Tommy does make himself bring it up, sleeves pulled over his hands.
"Keep it, man, looks better on you than it ever did on me," Spencer says, shrugging his shoulders. Tommy barely holds himself back vehement denial of the sentiment, genuinely fucking aghast that Spencer doesn't know how good he looks with a fine knit sweater stretched over his chest, but that might mean giving it back. And he doesn't want to do that. He wants to keep smelling like Spencer all day. He wants to feel like Spencer's fucking boyfriend, and it's pathetic. He should give it back.
"Spence, I can't take your sweater from you," he says, starting to pick up the bottom hem hesitantly. Spencer stays his hand, giving him an all too indulgent smile.
"It's not like you're stealing it, dude. I'm giving it to you," he says, gentle with Tommy in that way he's so rarely gentle with anyone, and Tommy wants to fucking bite him. He's so sweet, and nice, and fucking awful because how is someone supposed to not fall in love with him like this? Tommy makes a face at him, slumping forward dramatically to rest his head against the top of Spencer's stomach.
"You're a bully," he grumbles to the floor, pulling a laugh out of Spencer that Tommy canfeel, like that's allowed. Spencer's fingers card through his hair and Tommy struggles not to lean up into his touch, struggles not to just fall asleep and let Spencer hold him up. He's warm and he's tired and he's had a hard week, and Spencer makes him feel safe. He knows nothing's going to happen if Spencer's there. Not that he thinks something all too dramatic is going to happen at work, but there's no way that someone would be able to take a picture of him sleeping, or try to scare him awake, or try anything, really, because Spencer would put a stop to it. He'd keep him safe. Spencer's blunt nails scratch through the short hair at the back of Tommy's neck. Tommy has to suppress a shiver.
"You okay to be here all day? I can cover for you if you need to go get some sleep," Spencer asks quietly, his voice filled with that same indulgence as his smile. Tommy shakes his head, removing himself from his comfortable spot against Spencer's belly. Spencer's hand is still on the back of his neck.
"I'd just be tired there, too. Bad sleep week," he admits. Spencer's face creases with worry. Tommy doesn't let himself reach up to smooth out the expression even so much as he'd like to do just that.
"Anything I can do to help?" Spencer asks, absently scratching his fingers through Tommy's hair again, as if that doesn't make it nearly impossible to focus on what he said. How can Spencer help? Come over, he thinks, make my bedsheets smell like you. He's not going to fucking say that to Spencer, though. He's not stupid.
"I'll let you know if I think of something, alright?" he says, knowing that a direct denial wouldn't sit well with Spencer. The other man simply hums, his thumb and first two fingers squeezing the back of Tommy's neck comfortingly.
"You do that. Just text me if you think of anything, seriously. I should probably go do my actual job, though," Spencer says, slipping into a grin before bending at the waist and kissing the top of Tommy's head. "See you later, Tommy." Tommy sits there, blinking and blushing, until Rachel comes over with her eyebrows raised, questioning what just transpired as loudly as someone can without making a single sound.
"I have no idea what just happened," he says, and it's the truth. That doesn't mean he doesn't want it to happen again.
This time, it's less than a week later, and it's much less of an accident than the first two times.
Tommy unties his bandana halfway through dinner, complaining of sweating as if he himself did not order something spicy on purpose. He's eating ice directly from his glass every few minutes, exhibiting little to no regard for anyone who looks at him like he's doing something weird. Spencer's leaning his chin against his hand and openly staring, fondness plain as day despite the fact that the rest of the table is filled with half the people they share an office with. He and Tommy are tucked into one side of an oversized three quarter round booth, sitting next to each other and probably able to be honestly considered to be in their own little world right now; Tommy has been rhapsodizing the introduction of a promising new drag queen to the Los Angeles drag scene for about five minutes now, and Spencer's listened to every single word of it. So, when Tommy unties his bandana, Spencer is virtually the only one paying him any mind.
"Should I start carrying a bag, maybe? Just so I have somewhere to put shit when I want to take it off," Tommy says, his tone indicating, however, that he's not particularly looking for an answer as he tries to figure out a place to put the bandana so he won't lose it, presumably. Spencer extends the wrist of the arm that's closer to Tommy, making the other man tilt his head in question.
"Tie it to my wrist, I'll keep up with it til you want it back," he says, less offer and more instruction. Tommy smiles and Spencer doesn't lean in to kiss him and ruin their friendship, which is a matter of a lot of self control in the moment. Folding the bandana into a triangle and then rolling it into a flat, Tommy grabs Spencer's wrist in his hand, moving it over so that he can tie the bandana around it more comfortably. He's never thought of touching someone's wrist as particularly intimate before, but having a crush, especially on a friend, is fucking stupid. A fairly typical interaction will convince you they're in love with you. Another fairly typical interaction will convince you they know you like them and they're just trying to save your feelings. Neither is logical. Tommy's fingertips touch his skin as he finishes the tie, tapping it before moving Spencer's wrist back where he got it, like it's an item he borrowed. Fondness wells in Spencer.
"There you go," Tommy says. Keith gets Tommy's attention from across the booth then, calling on Tommy to back him up in some argument with Noah about music. Spencer lets himself stare for only a moment longer, conscious of being surrounded by people, let alone that Tommy could notice it himself. When he turns to his other side, Shayne is already looking at him from a few people down. Well, technically, he's looking with pointed suggestion and raised eyebrows at the newest addition to Spencer's ensemble. Spencer starts a conversation with Damien about video games instead of unpacking that look, eventually drawing Shayne into the conversation as well. He likes Shayne, he really does. He's a pretty fucking great dude. He also thinks it's his job to take care of everybody and everything, and this doesn't need to be taken care of. He's been handling this for years now. It may not be going away any time soon, but he doesn't know that he wants it to, if we're being honest. Given the choice between being ass over tea kettle in love with Tommy and removing himself from the friendship so that he can take some time to get over it, he'll choose Tommy every time.
It's not something they always do, and honestly they hardly do it often enough to even call it typical, but sometimes, after these dinners, they go out to a club somewhere. Tonight is one of those nights. Spencer, admittedly, isn't really good at the whole club thing. He doesn't drink, he has to be bullied into dancing, he likes long conversations and being comfortable. A club isn't really the place for that, or at least not a good place for that. He's more comfortable in cafes and arcades. Does he sound like every single introvert with a rich online life? Yes, but it's also true.
Courtney drags him out onto the dance floor and Spencer loses track of most of their group. He dances with Courtney before being led through dances with just about every woman in their party. Amanda dips him halfway to the floor with a laugh that he can hear above the music before passing him over to Rachel, who makes him do some wannabe swing dancing with her to the sound of Usher's Good Good. Perhaps the idea that she makes him do anything is a little misleading, being as she only has to pull him into a triple step for him to fall in with her. They get through the whole song before he bows out, having danced through at least seven songs and fucking sweaty. It's not even like he started dancing as soon as they arrived, either, and he has no idea how long it's been since he had something to drink.
He's on his way to the bar to get a water when he feels fingers hook on Tommy's bandana, stopping Spencer where he stands and guiding him to face Tommy himself. He leaves his fingers between the fabric and Spencer's skin, holding Spencer in place with a loose grin. Spencer raises an eyebrow.
"You're really sweet, you know that?" Tommy asks, not quite slurring his words but putting just enough pause between them for Spencer to know that he's well and truly tanked, "Dancing with everyone. It was cute." He never knows how to deal with drunk Tommy. Drunk Tommy compliments him voraciously, visibly delights in making Spencer blush and stutter over his words, thinks Spencer is cute and tells him so. If Tommy didn't have a hold on him, Spencer would be running off to find someone else to handle this, because God fucking knows Spencer doesn't know how. Instead, Spencer lets himself be pulled a little closer, lets Tommy pull him into a sway that's more like a hug than anything else, just rocking on their feet a little. Who can blame Spencer if he relaxes into it a little bit? Who can blame him if it's just nice to be held sometimes? To be held by Tommy. For Tommy to show him affection in this clear, public way. Spencer should pull away. He doesn't.
"You alright, buddy?" he asks, smoothing his hand over Tommy's back like he's not freaking the fuck out. Tommy presses his face into Spencer's neck, inhaling deeply to settle himself. Spencer puts some pressure into rubbing his back for good measure. Even if he's getting overwhelmed by this, it seems like Tommy is overwhelmed by everything else. And Tommy comes first. Not that he's willing to unpack that in the slightest.
"Everybody else got to dance with you. I was just... was just waiting my turn," Tommy says quietly, and typically Spencer doesn't think he'd be able to hear him at that volume in the middle of a club, but Tommy is so fucking close. Suppressing the shiver that comes with Tommy's mouth so close to his skin, it takes Spencer a moment to actually focus on the content of what Tommy said.
"You wanted to dance with me?" he asks, not really meaning to but unable to take it back once it's out. Tommy hums a confirmation, a vibration that Spencer can feel in his chest.
"Always wanna dance with you," he confirms, nodding. Spencer's breath catches in his chest. 
"Maybe we should go sit down," he suggests, but Tommy just pulls him in a little tighter, tucking his face against Spencer's throat again with a whine.
"Just give me a minute. A few minutes. Whatever," Tommy whines, bordering on the beginning of begging, and Spencer needs to clear his mind. He cannot think about Tommy begging for him or this is going to become a very awkward situation extraordinarily quickly. He counts his breaths but stays holding Tommy, letting the other man hold him in return, humming and swaying happily. He has no fucking idea what to do with this. He loves this boy, he's willing to admit that to himself (today at least), and he doesn't know if he can make himself pull away. He rests his hand on the back of Tommy's head, scratching his nails across his scalp. He makes the cutest fucking noise. Fuck.
He's unbelievably grateful some minutes later when Shayne and Amanda decide it's time to start motherhenning everyone into making safe arrangements to make it home. Tommy tries to drag him into the back of Damien's car with him, letting him go only when Spencer reminds him that he also drove here, and in the opposite direction, he also has to take people home. And he has to promise to text Tommy when he gets home, like Spencer is the one who is drunk and vulnerable. Spencer fights back the instinct to kiss him on the forehead as he leaves him in Damien's backseat, just squeezing his hand and repeating his promise before entering the blissful silence of his own car, head down against the steering wheel. Courtney pokes him in the side of the head from the passenger seat, falling into a tipsy giggle when Spencer pretends to get knocked over by the barely there force behind it. Noah and Keith are both most of the way to being asleep in the backseat, curled together like matching parentheses. Spencer's heart fucking hurts. He takes the car out of park. There's more to do than this.
He doesn't realize that Tommy's bandana is still around his wrist til he's getting ready for bed. He puts it on his bedside table. He'll get it back to Tommy eventually.
Exactly a week later, everybody from work is gathered together again, though concentrated in Shayne's apartment rather than out in public. They're in a rash of work birthdays, and most of them will take any reason to throw a little party. It's the kind of party no one really drinks at, the earnest enjoyment of games they had nicked from work (Ian and Anthony being the worst offenders, so no one is worried about it) keeping the mood light and the laughter loud. Tommy is pulling back from everything for a moment, sitting on a counter in the kitchen and minding his goddamn business. Spencer walks in with an empty glass in hand after Tommy's been there for probably five minutes, and he lasted longer than Tommy thought he would. His average wait before checking on Tommy while he's doing what Spencer has deemed brooding and Tommy calls chilling out is about three minutes. God forbid Tommy actually look actively upset during a get together. There was one memorable time that Spencer was actually the one who guided him outside, standing with him encouragingly as Tommy pulled himself the fuck together. Now, Spencer puts his back against the counter Tommy is sitting on, leaning backwards next to his right thigh.
He waits quietly, almost silently. Tommy leans his thigh against Spencer's shoulder. Spencer leans into it in return. The warmth of him is so reassuring that it calms some of the ticking anxiety still beating a tattoo against Tommy's breastbone. The meds are working. He has to remind himself that the meds are working. Having a bad evening every once in a while doesn't mean that the meds aren't working. There is no perfect cure for any mental illness. When Tommy holds his hand out, Spencer takes it without question, lacing their fingers. He strokes his thumb over Tommy's skin soothingly. As much as it sucks to be halfway to a meltdown with most of his friends spread across the floor in the living room playing games made for children, it's nice to have Spencer there. Nicer than when he has to do this alone, anyway.
"I'm okay," Tommy says when he finally speaks, which he realizes immediately might not be the most reassuring thing to say. Spencer just hums, squeezing Tommy's hand briefly.
"You will be," he says, simple like inevitability, and Tommy takes a breath easily for the first time in what feels like hours. It's probably only been the last hour or so that something caught in his mind and suddenly he wasn't able to relax in a room full of friends, cross-legged next to Rachel and feeling like a child tossed in a swimming pool. That's how he learned how to swim, anyway. It was one of the scariest things that happened to him as a child, an uncle laughing joyously as he told Tommy you're getting a bit old to not know how to swim, bud, and him, nine years old, lifted off his feet and sent through the air and into the water. Water above his head, kicking as hard as he fucking could because he was terrified, anxiety still feels like that. Like being thrown into the pool in his cousins' backyard. A little while, maybe a few more minutes, passes without any change. 
Then, Spencer is moving, letting go of his hand to stand between Tommy's spread thighs, pulling Tommy down into a hug with a hand on the back of his neck. When he tries to press himself into Spencer's neck, the bill of his khaki baseball cap digs into Tommy's skin. With a laugh, Spencer takes it off and sets it down on the counter beside Tommy, pulling him back in without pause. Tommy doesn't hold back the happy humming sound that wants to leave him at the ability to hide his face in the wash of Spencer's comforting scent. Spencer strokes through the back of his hair, nails running gently over his scalp. His knees close around Spencer's hips, leaning enough of his weight on Spencer that it probably wouldn't be difficult for the other man to leverage him off the counter and pick him up in his arms. The idea of Spencer holding him like that, those long arms holding him in the air, against a wall, whatever and wherever, he cannot get stuck on that thought. Not when he and Spencer are this close.
"You'll be okay," Spencer whispers, repeating the sentiment as he rubs his free hand up and down Tommy's back. Tommy melts even further into him, Spencer's hand on his back moving to his hip to keep him steadily on the counter. It strikes Tommy that this is Shayne's kitchen, that their friends are in the living room, that Spencer is missing time he could be having fun to babysit Tommy and his pointless fucking anxiety meltdown. He must tense or something, because Spencer pulls him back to give him a concerned look, a wrinkle forming between his brows that Tommy has to hold himself back from smoothing. He really needs to learn to keep his hands to himself. He thinks this with one of Spencer's hands on his hip, the other on the back of his head. He does not see the irony in this in the slightest.
"You should go hang out with everyone else," he says, putting on a vaguely encouraging tone so that maybe Spencer will actually believe that he's well enough Spencer wouldn't mind leaving him alone. The benchmark of normalcy that Tommy thinks is fine to leave him alone at is quite different from the neighborhood of wellness that Spencer is comfortable leaving him in. Like that doesn't burn in Tommy's chest, that care he has for him.
"Not without you," Spencer replies automatically. Tommy gives him a look.
"It's a party. You should be at the party," he insists, frustration building in his chest, making itself bigger to hide the fondness that's pooling there as well. Even if he doesn't think Spencer should be wasting his time waiting for Tommy to calm down, it's still sweet that he wants to. It'd be selfish to let him though. It'd be selfish.
"I'm exactly where I need to be," Spencer says; it's a response that snaps Tommy's mouth immediately shut, his face burning as he looks down at Spencer's open expression, his dogged loyalty. He doesn't kiss him. God, he wants to, though. How he fucking wants to kiss this man. He groans, pushing his face into Spencer's shoulder hard enough to make his nose hurt just a little from the pressure.
"Don't be nice to me, I'm fragile," he says, half joking and half not, knowing that Spencer will know exactly how he means it. Care about me, care about me, care about me. Whether Tommy wants to say that or not, it seems to be all that can makes its way out of his throat when Spencer is around. That and jokes, thank god. He doesn't know what the fuck he would do if not only were his feelings for Spencer absolutely fucking embarrassing for how they send him acting a fool any time Spencer's in need of something, but also they took away the fact that he's fucking funny. Sometimes funny feels like the only thing he does right. Spencer hums indulgently and runs gentle, reverent hands over Tommy's skin, like Tommy is more than he ever expected to have. Tommy's breath catches in his throat.
"How about this? We go back together when you're feeling comfortable. I come join whatever game you wanna be playing. You tell me if you're feeling overwhelmed again. Profit," Spencer says, pulling away a little to his eyebrows at Tommy. He looks like a guy at a used car dealership offering you the best deal if you drive off the lot today! Except fucking adorable. Because it's Spencer. Asshole.
"Weren't you playing something with Shayne and Damien?" Tommy asks, trying to remind Spencer of the world outside of their little bubble. Spencer shrugs.
"And Courtney, and I mean, yeah, but they've probably moved on anyway- which, for the record, is fine with me, I know how your brain works- so it won't be an issue," he says, seemingly completely unaware of the way he just made Tommy's stomach contract. I know how your brain works. God, Tommy loves him. Fuck. He looks down, unable to make eye contact with Spencer for his next question.
"You wouldn't mind?" He sounds fucking pathetic, and he wants to curl into a ball and hide until it kills him or til everyone forgets his name, whichever comes first. Spencer's hand moves from the back of his neck to cup his jaw, tilting his face up. The soft stroke of his thumb over Tommy's cheek. Looking at Spencer, catching his eyes, it grabs the breath out of Tommy's lungs- the way it sometimes feels like he looks at Tommy like there's nothing else in the world better to look at.
"Nowhere else I'd rather be," Spencer rasps, echoing his sentiment from earlier like the first time wasn't enough to make Tommy fall in love with him. That's bullshit, he's been in love with Spencer for years. The man doesn't make it any easier though. Tommy takes a steadying breath.
"Let's do this, then," he says, nodding once. Spencer backs out of his space, reaching out to help Tommy off the counter like he's helping a lady out of a carriage. He keeps a hold on Tommy's hand to lead him to the living room, as if Tommy doesn't know how to get back to the next room over. Tommy's fine with the grip on him, wouldn't break it without an actual emergency on his hands, but he does pull Spencer to a stop when he looks back at the counter. Spencer raises an eyebrow at him.
"Your hat," Tommy reminds him, tilting his head back toward that side of the counter. Spencer's eyes land on it with a measure of surprise; Tommy doesn't examine the fact that he had been enough of a priority that Spencer had forgotten an accessory he'd been wearing all day. It's nothing special. He doesn't know who the fuck he's kidding. Spencer doesn't let go of his hand to return to the counter, instead dragging Tommy with him. This is a bit of a misnomer, being as Tommy would follow this fuckhead anywhere, probably. Fucking embarrassing. Spencer picks up the hat and turns to Tommy with a grin, one that Tommy knows spells trouble for him before Spencer even reaches up to slide the hat, backwards, onto Tommy's head. He even pulls the baseball cap back by the brim, making sure it's comfortable.
"Hold onto it for me," Spencer says. Tommy shrugs his shoulders a lot more casually than he feels. Spencer leads him back into the living room. They play games. Tommy never does give Spencer back his hat. In the morning, it hangs on a peg in Tommy's entryway. He doesn't bring it to work with him Monday.
The next time, Spencer is beginning to understand why Tommy still wears Spencer's sweater around all the time, swapping it out with another of Spencer's sweaters every couple of weeks. He's got one of Tommy's leather jackets on, lent to him when the changing of the seasons had caught him off guard one morning and Tommy happened to have an extra jacket in his car. That was... admittedly a few days ago. And Spencer still hasn't given it back. And he's wearing it to lunch with Courtney. He didn't think about that part before he left his apartment! They haven't even joined him at the restaurant yet and he knows he's going to catch hell for this.
So he might have told Courtney how he feels about Tommy. Whether that was a good idea or not is still up for debate. That line of thinking drops quickly when he sees Courtney walk in the door, grinning as soon as they see him. They wave off the maître d' with a point at Spencer, who waves at the maître d' as well. The host nods and lets Courtney escort themself to the table, being as she doesn't have to be sat somewhere. They're still grinning.
"Spencer!" Courtney says excitedly when she reaches the table, grabbing his shoulder as she comes up. He sees the way her eyes catch on the material of his jacket and prepares himself for the teasing; a well timed waitstaff member comes up to ask if Courtney would like something to drink. They say yes. Water and coffee. They're the only drinks he's ever seen Courtney order in a restaurant. As soon as the order is taken and the interaction is done, Courtney turns sharp eyes on Spencer, raising an amused eyebrow and sitting forward in their seat. Spencer sighs.
"Go ahead," he says, making a motion with his hand that is clearly indicative of a let's get this over with sentiment. Courtney frowns.
"Well, it's not any fun if you're like this about it. So, when did he give you his jacket?" they ask, not even bothering to say Tommy's name. They both know who she's talking about. Rarely do he and Courtney play games with one another. In a different world, he'd have it bad for Courtney. They're one of the nicest, funniest, coolest people he knows. In this one, he rolls his eyes and changes the subject, relieved when Courtney rolls with it. They try to get lunch together, dinner, something, at least once a month. Trying to have a real conversation at work is difficult, and Spencer's not going to be honest when it's the whole group of them off the clock, either. It's just not in his nature. So, they do this. Spencer has to be fast to grab the check before Courtney, snatching the black book as soon as the waitstaff puts it down. Their waitress, Elizabeth, because Courtney cannot be at a restaurant without learning the name of their waitstaff, snorts, amused at their antics.
Neither Spencer nor Courtney have an excellent perception of how an adult is meant to behave in public. This either leads to strangers being quite fond of them or not fond of them in the slightest. It's much easier to leave a tip in California. You leave a tip more than 20 percent of cost in Florida, everybody up to your grandparents is asking you why you're wasting your money like that. In California, it's practically an expectation. Spencer doesn't particularly mind; he remembers shift work. Braver than any fucking U.S. Marine to be in the service industry.
They wave at Elizabeth on their way out of the restaurant, handing the black book over to the smiling attendant of the Host desk. Wishing it was socially acceptable to also leave a tip for the exhausted looking host, Spencer has just tucked a hundred into the book and walks out with Courtney, not waiting for any sort of change. The over is a tip. The smile of their host is a bit more genuine after. God, America is fucking dystopian. Spencer shakes it off as they walk down the strip, taking Courtney's hand. They never stay in L.A. when they get lunch together; they pick out some small town an hour, an hour and a half away and meet there like spies, as if it would be absolute oddity for them to go out together in their own home city. It's fun, though. Going on little adventures with his friend.
The restaurant they chose was in a strip mall, a Five Below about a minute in one direction and a Barnes and Noble about the same in the other. They make brief eye contact and agree silently to head in the direction of Five Below first in the interest of both of their wallets. If they get out the impulse shopping at Five Below, they won't do that much damage at Barnes and Noble. Theoretically. They both know that just because they do something with the very best of intentions doesn't mean that it will go according to plan. Isn't that always the bitch?
They rush through Five Below; it's a store that's always the most fun when you speedrun it, not deliberating on purchases but throwing them in the cart with reckless abandon, only assessing the damage after you've clearly made an impact. Often, they end up making a second pass around speedrun stores because of this, dropping off items that they really don't need back where they found them. Courtney puts a pink cowboy hat on Spencer's head. He does a pose. They take a picture. It's all very fun.
It's on the walk between Five Below and Barnes and Noble where things start to take a bit of a downturn. Not a downturn, really. Just. More serious. Courtney pulls him to a stop with their joined hands, dragging him to sit down on a bench outside of a closed store. No hours on Sunday. Their hours are limited on Wednesday as well. Must go to all the services. Courtney sighs.
"Are we gonna talk about the jacket, Spence?" they ask, fingers squeezing Spencer's as if to remind him that he's free to say no. He squeezes back.
"I don't know how to talk about it," he says, which is half-true. He doesn't know how to put it into words, how to communicate exactly what he means when he says that Tommy's jacket feels like a safety net around his shoulders. "I don't know where to start."
"Start with whatever's easiest. If I get confused, at least we'll have somewhere to go from there," they propose, bumping Spencer's shoulder with their own. Spencer smiles, wistful.
"He let me borrow it a few days ago," he starts, still not saying Tommy's name even if they both know, unable to provide that weight to this conversation. "It was really fucking cold Wednesday morning, remember? And I hadn't read the forecast, and I had been in a rush, and I was just going to deal with it like a normal person, right, but he. We got to the office at the same time and I guess he saw me rubbing my hands together, I think? On my way in. And he takes his jacket off and hands it to me, doesn't say a fucking word, just goes back to his car and grabs the blue one, you know the one? I wait for him, because what the fuck, and he just puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me inside. I couldn't even make myself say anything. Who fucking does that?"
"Someone who is trying to be very obvious about his crush on you?" Courtney posits, taking a sip of the Mountain Dew Code Red she had bought at the Five Below daintily. As daintily as a person can fucking drink Mountain Dew Code Red. Spencer bumps their shoulders again.
"You know I don't like hearing that shit, Court," he reminds them, looking down at the pavement between his feet. He's not really an optimistic guy. He's not a pessimist either, likes to think of himself as a realist or at least a pragmatist. When someone suggests that something might go in his favor, it only encourages him to prepare for the opposite more. What if he's expecting things to go well and everything goes to shit anyway? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, that's what he always says. He can't remember where he got that exactly, but it felt very wise at the time.  He's not ready to admit that it feels more fatalistic now in the light of his thirties. Your twenties are an inherently dark time. No one knows who they are at 23. He barely knows who he is past thirty.
"Why can't he like you?" Courtney asks, no bullshit, non negotiable. Spencer sighs, closing his eyes.
"It's not that he can't. It's that I don't even know what to do if he does," he admits, feeling sick to his stomach. He's never known what to do when things fall in his favor. This is no different. Sure, worst case is that Tommy is grossed out by Spencer having feelings for him, doesn't wanna be friends anymore, makes it awkward as shit at work. But what about the best case? Tommy wants to date him and they fucking fall in love or what the fuck ever and someday, probably sooner rather than later, Spencer fucks it up royally and loses Tommy more than he's ever had him. He doesn't know if he would survive that. He says all of this aloud to Courtney, who makes a contemplative noise.
"Would you rather never find out?" they ask. He wishes he knew. He has the sleeves of Tommy's leather jacket down over his hands, the scent of him all around him, and he still has no fucking idea. He leans his face against Courtney's shoulder.
"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" he says, groaning. Courtney's laughter is high and clear, cutting across the buzz of the highway not far from their little corner of the world sitting together at a strip mall. They reach over with the hand not holding his own and pat his head.
"You'll be okay, Spen," they say. Spencer wishes he could believe it. After a moment more of contemplative silence, Courtney pulls him up by the hand and they walk to Barnes and Noble. He makes them pose for a picture with a Gemini candle. They both spend over sixty dollars. It's all very fun.
Days later, it should probably feel weirder to go into Spencer's bedroom without him. It probably would if it was the bedroom of anyone else, but Spencer has told Tommy time and time again that he should feel welcome to whatever in Spencer's apartment. Snacks, drinks, clothes, toiletries, he basically told Tommy to treat Spencer's apartment as his own, more or less. That doesn't stop Tommy from wanting to text him every time he so much as takes a bottle of water, but he can pretend. It makes Spencer feel better to think Tommy is comfortable, for some reason. There's no use in unpacking that.
The thing is, he's cold. Has Spencer told him before that he can mess with the thermostat if he's in the apartment alone? Yes, but that is a bridge too far for Tommy's sensibilities, okay? Anybody who knows him might say he doesn't have any, but he does! Are they... a bit looser than most people's? Sure, but they're still there. Anyway, he's cold, and he's supposed to be starting dinner so it's not like he's going to sit down on the couch and snuggle up with a blanket and a book, or whatever people do. Imagining that, sitting on the couch and waiting for Spencer to get home from the grocery store, is enough to make Tommy both nauseous and warm all over. No use in getting caught up on it. He pushes open the door of Spencer's bedroom with that thought.
When Tommy had first met Spencer, he would have expected his bedroom to be messier. He would have expected a messy bedroom, very little organization, a living space that looks not too different from his own. Instead, Spencer's video games are fucking alphabetized. He's so fucking cute. Everything in his room has a place. His favorite hoodie is always hanging on a thumb tack near his bedroom door when he's not wearing it. Now, Tommy slips that very hoodie over his head, reveling in the comforting scent and the immediate warmth of the article. He shuffles out of Spencer's bedroom quickly, nervous to linger. He knows he would start nosing through shit if he let himself, far too curious for his own good. The immediate instinct, of course, is to see what's in the drawers of Spencer's bedside table. But he's not going to do that! He closes the bedroom door behind himself and sinks his hands into the front pocket of the hoodie.
Hold on a second. There's a folded sheet of paper between his hands now, so he pulls it out of one side of it to examine it. He has to unfold it three times to have it flat, the creases segmenting the sheet into eight sections. It's... it's a song. He knows Spencer plays, but he's never mentioned writing his own songs. Messily scribbled lyrics are written over hastily drawn bars, notes marked with letters rather than just depending on the readability of their place on the staff. It's definitely Spencer's work. It has the same look to it as Spencer's quick scrawl on notes for work, on notes left on refrigerator doors, in the chicken scratch he calls a signature.
The header, the same size as the rest of the words on the page but underlined, says for him. All lowercase, no further clarification. The opening lines don't read like a love song at all. They present the flaws of the subject, almost, like the idea that he is a little messy, scattered, often late, that all of these things are positive to Spencer just because it's him. The bridge reads more like a love song, certainly, as does the chorus. The second verse is all too familiar. Not because Tommy has read it before or anything, but because he was there. Sitting on the counter, head between his knees, that was him. Is he... is he him? Could he be him?
He reads back over the first verse with hope burning a hole in his chest, determinedly ingesting the traits he has always disliked about himself, how Spencer wraps those traits in fondness. He remembers vividly occasions where Spencer would pick him up for events that he knew Tommy didn't want to go to, because everyone knows he's going to be late if he doesn't even want to be there. Spencer organized his desk for him once. Tommy hadn't even asked him to, just said go crazy when Spencer asked if he could move something. And Spencer had gone crazy. In the best way. Tommy swallows thickly, reading further down into the parts of the song he hadn't read yet.
Tommy hears the key in the lock and can't make himself scramble to put the song away no matter how much his brain tries to tell him that it's the safer route. He wants Spencer more than he wants that arbitrary feeling of safety, that fear driven sense of everything being alright. He looks up and Spencer is already staring at him, putting the two bags of groceries he's carrying on a side table before raising his hands like he's placating someone angry at him. Tommy couldn't be further from anger if he tried.
"You wrote me a song?" he asks, voice cracking in the middle as the words trip out of his mouth. God, he hopes it's about him. This is going to be fucking awkward if not.
"It's- it's not what it looks like really isn't gonna work in this situation, is it?" Spencer asks, starting off strong but fading quickly, closing his eyes and breathing out to ground himself. Oh. He's expecting rejection. It's the gladdest Tommy's ever been to not fulfill someone's expectations.
"Will you play it for me?" he requests, gentle in his tone and in the look he regards Spencer with, all too conscious of the multitude of ways that his friend, his Spencer has been hurt in the past. Unfortunately, Spencer's gaze has slid to the floor as he stands still with his hands up, supplicant.
"It's not done. It's. Well. It's not good," Spencer says, uncomfortable laugh spilling out of him sounding as if it was either that or tears. Tommy stands then, putting the song down on the coffee table and crossing the room in wide steps til he can tilt Spencer's face up with a hand on his cheek. Startled, Spencer allows it, allows Tommy into his space as if it's simply somewhere he belongs. Tommy wants to belong there.
"I think it's great," he whispers, too overcome to make himself louder. Spencer swallows visibly.
"You haven't even heard it yet," he rasps, that same hushed volume taking him over, afraid to break the moment. He cages Spencer back against the wall, urging him backwards gently until he's looking up at Tommy with wide eyes. He moves a hand up to Tommy's collarbone, moving it quickly to the side of his neck and pulling him downward. Being kissed by Spencer Agnew is different from anyone he's ever kissed before. Spencer's other hand is fisted in the pocket of his own hoodie on Tommy's stomach, holding him closer like Tommy can't get close enough, like he wouldn't be able to stand it if Tommy pulled away. Both of Tommy's hands are cupping Spencer's face as he marvels at the ability to be able to do this at all, to be able to cup Spencer's face and to kiss him breathless, it's fucking incredible. Still, he pulls away from the kiss, setting his face down against Spencer's collarbone and dropping one of his hands down to Spencer's hip.
"So, will you play it for me?" he asks, shithead grin pressed into Spencer's neck, relief as thick in his veins as any drug. Spencer snorts and rubs his hand through Tommy's hair, playing with the longer parts of it.
"You actually like it? Not just, like, that it's about you?" he asks, voice thick with the bravado that Spencer always puts on when he cares a little more about something than he'd like. Tommy lifts his head up to look at him, not even trying to keep the overwhelming fondness off his face. He presses a quick kiss against Spencer's lips just because he can. It's so sweet to be able to taste that smile as he pulls away.
"I like it," he confirms, quiet but firm, and he gets to watch as the implied compliment washes over Spencer. Again not even trying to stop himself, Tommy leans down to kiss him again, again, again. Short little kisses that aren't a lead-up to anything, just a manifestation of the kind of fondness that makes his stomach hurt, sweet enough to rot your teeth. Affection for Spencer is a fire in his chest, spreading through the caverns of his limbs with a quickness. It's the most scared Tommy has ever been. It's also the safest he's ever felt.
Spencer has always kind of made him feel like that, though. Wrapped up in a torrent of fire, tucked in under the waves of the sea. A boy will make you feel like a natural disaster and your stupid heart will only want to touch your hands to him more. It is, inarguably, some bullshit.
He presses closer to Spencer one more time, connecting their lips just one more time before he bullies the both of them into being responsible. Just one more. And then just one more. And then- he pulls back. He'd stand here all night, til both of their lips are numb and neither of them can breathe, if Spencer lets him. And he's starting to think maybe Spencer would let him. "We either need to start making dinner or put up the groceries, bub," he says, trailing his nose against Spencer's hairline.
"Wanna put up the groceries and make out on my couch?" Spencer asks, no bullshit and a grin on his face. Tommy kisses him again. Just because he fucking can.
"Absolutely. Especially if you'll play me that song later," Tommy says, giving Spencer a falsely innocent flirtatious pout, exaggerated just a little for humor. Spencer chuckles, leaning up to kiss him again, a quick peck like he can't get enough of this new intimacy either.
"We'll see." Tommy knows he will, though. Can tell from the way he looks at him. He loves how Spencer looks at him.
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i am in love with your work whaa-
i have a request- if you're free and if you like the idea of course hahahaha- i have no idea if you're comfy with this type of thing, because i haven't seen many people (I've seen none) do this type of stories- because it's always the reader that gets hurt- like man I'm tired of always barely surviving a fanfic 😭😭
so my request is dazai x reader where dazai gets injured or it can be about his scars, anything angsty (again, if you're comfortable with it) it can have a fluffy ending (preferably) but I'll leave that to you!
i love your work and i hope you're doing well <3 sending a lot a lot of love to you❤️
If you're familiar with my work, you know I love turning tropes on their heads, so I am delighted to write this! Also thank you so much for your sweet words, it means a lot knowing people enjoy my work. I hope you enjoy! <33
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Years ago, you and Dazai had learned that the lives you led kept you close to death at all times. It took a stubborn will to live that way; it took someone who refused to die, even after so much- it took someone who dared to defy death day after day and continue breathing.
You had so many scars between you to prove how much death craved you. In your skin, anyone could see just how desperately death yearned to claim you as its own. You knew every story in every scar, knew every memory they carried in your skin and in his. You were used to his scars, loved them even.
But god, how he scared you.
All you were aware of was the pounding heart in your chest, a bird desperate to escape the cage of your ribs, to fly away in a storm of blood. But you couldn't stop here; Dazai had already lost too much blood, the gash on his forehead dark and foreboding as you strained against your body to bring him home. You didn't want to think about how long he had been bleeding in the street before you had come, didn't want to think about how he would have been safe if he hadn't insisted on going out that night alone. And even when he was someplace safe, when he was in the familiar confines of your home, you were unable to relax. You brushed tears from your eyes, chastising yourself as you cleaned the blood away. You reminded yourself that tears would not help anyone now, least of all Dazai. But you couldn't bear to look at him; you couldn't stand to look at his face, too still and too soft, void of soul and life. You worked without thinking, watched your hands move of their own accord. You watched your fingers recall years of practice, years of stitches and sutures, and you begged him to be alright. You prayed that you would be enough to save him. You had to be enough
It took you an hour to finish- 60 agonizing minutes of watching for a hint of life, 60 minutes of being disappointed when there was nothing.
You missed him more than anything, then. You missed the man who could always take your mind far from your troubles, the boy who had once upon a time stitched your own wounds and given you your own story-laden scars. You missed the simple pleasure of his voice, the simplicity of groaning at his bad jokes. And with every passing moment, your fear grew; you feared you were too late.
So you held his comatose body close, the silence deafening as you felt your heart breaking. A life without your first love, without your dearest friend- to you it was a fate worse than death.
"You're too quiet. Usually I can't ever get you to shut up." Your voice was thick with tears, but anything was better than the silence. "I used to love the quiet and now you've gone and ruined that for me too, you asshole." You chuckled bitterly, swiping a hand across your nose. "What a dick move, getting me so attached to you, you maniac. You better wake up."
"I won't beg. I won't beg you, because you aren't worth it. But I swear I will never hate anyone more than you if you leave me here." You stared down at his still face, and you broke.
"You bastard," you sobbed. "If you die here I will never forgive you; I swear that much, Osamu Dazai." Burring your face in his neck, you tried to lose yourself in him as you cried gently.
"Please," you whispered. "Please don't leave me. You're all I have now.
Please, Osamu- I'm afraid."
Your head rested gently on his chest, searching for the sound of his beating heart, panicking in the split second you heard nothing in between the beats.
And then you felt his hand come to rest atop your head.
"You know, I really thought you'd be the one comforting me after I nearly died." A voice so weak in your ear had never broken and mended you so surely as his did then. Eyes had never seen right through you, hands had never held you like you were as precious as his did when he brought his arms around you.
And he was smiling, weakly, but he was there once again; like an ember, you saw him fighting to come back to you, to return once again and remind you:
Death would not steal him from you yet.
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spacefinch · 4 months
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My thoughts on all the MSB friendship dynamics
Carlos & Dorothy Ann: One of my favorite pairs-- both as a ship and as friends. They are just so good together. They bicker a lot, but at the end of the day, there's no one else they trust more.
Phoebe & Carlos: This is such a great friendship. They're best friends. They're honorary siblings. They both know how to make just about anyone feel better.
Carlos & Tim: Just two guys being dudes. They canonically call each other things like "buddy" and "pal." Sadly, there isn't a whole lot we know about their friendship.
Keesha & Carlos: Theater kids. That is all. I quite enjoyed their dynamic in the ants episode. And I have a headcanon that they are both very protective of Phoebe.
Arnold & Carlos: We don't see much of their dynamic in the show, but they seem to get along well in the chapter books. I imagine they bond over their shared love of geology.
Carlos & Ralphie: Officially the silly geese of the crew. In the Dinosaur Detectives chapter book, Ralphie is the only one who doesn't groan at Carlos's puns.
Carlos & Wanda: The reason we didn't get an episode or book focused on the two of them is because they would have been too powerful. I imagine them having the same dynamic as Bucky Barnes and small Steve Rogers from Captain America: The First Avenger.
Phoebe & Keesha: Best friends! I love them so much. I also headcanon that Keesha was the first to befriend Phoebe after she transferred to Walker Elementary from her old school.
Phoebe & Arnold: Whether you ship them or just see them as best friends, they make a good pair. Even better: they both have bird names. ("Arnold" comes from the Germanic words for "eagle" and "power," while "Phoebe" is a type of North American flycatcher.)
Phoebe & Wanda: Yet another dynamic we don't see much of. But their height difference is everything to me. They're girlfriends in every sense of the word.
Phoebe & Tim: Art and nature friends! They probably both love bird-watching.
Phoebe & Ralphie: They are great together. I enjoy reading fanfics where they're stepsiblings.
Phoebe & D.A.: We see more of their friendship in the chapter books compared to the show, but I love them.
Keesha & Ralphie: The other "we bicker all the time, but at the end of the day, we've got each other's backs" friendship. Ralphie's fantastic imagination paired with Keesha's logic makes for a great dynamic.
Keesha & Tim: I like them. I wish I'd seen more of them together. They were great in the "Sees Stars" episode.
Keesha & Arnold: Underrated friendship that we should have seen more of.
Keesha & Wanda: Yet ANOTHER dynamic that was criminally underutilized. But they are best friends. I know, because they told me themselves./j
Keesha & D.A.: Between the two of them, they will get all the facts and get plenty of research in. Also: purple.
Tim & Ralphie: The two biggest sci-fi/superhero nerds in the class. Ralphie comes up with stories, and Tim brings them to life with his drawings.
Ralphie & Arnold: They're probably the most easily scared, but for different reasons. But they can both be brave when they need to be.
Wanda & Ralphie: Judge these two by their size, do you, hmmm? (I hc that they are the two shortest kids in the class, and neither of them like to be reminded of it.)
D.A. & Ralphie: If these two are working together-- be it in a baseball game or in a group project, it's over for you. That is, if they aren't bickering.
D.A. & Tim: A fantastic mystery-solving duo. D.A. is very detail-oriented, while Tim sees the bigger picture. But if they're on opposing teams, they're very competitive.
D.A & Arnold: Probably the most by-the-books pair (that is, on paper). In reality, things don't always go according to plan, but they always figure something out.
D.A. & Wanda: Another great friendship, even though they quite literally don't always see eye to eye. (Sorry, Wanda.)
Tim & Wanda: I don't know why, but I like seeing them together.
Wanda & Arnold: A classic. Love these two.
TL,DR: Every friendship dynamic in Ms. Frizzle's class is Valid (TM).
Which friendship is your favorite?
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Midousuji hc because I love this piece of shit
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Midousuji strikes me as someone who has a very different sense of boundaries than other people. Like he wants someone he likes to use the -kun honorific and will actively threaten them if they don't. Honestly he's a little surprised that he has an interest in someone that isn't cycling related, but if it doesn't interfere with his ambitions then it's fine in his mind.
Actively has a thing for women that remind him of his mom, and doesn't care if you call him on it. He's just like "Yeah? I loved/love my mom, she's the most important person I've ever had in my life. It's good you remind me of her. It's probably why I haven't abandoned you yet despite being a distraction to my cycling sometimes"
He's a teasing asshole and can get very mean, but he doesn't always mean to be. It's largely because he's very blunt and direct when it comes to how he feels about something. If he says something you're interested in seems stupid, he'll say so; if you want him to take it back, then prove to him it's not. Simple as
Has commented about his s/o / Darling's body without meaning much by it, mainly by saying what their best traits are if they were to be a cycler. Example: "Your chest is really big. Y'know, I've always wondered how female cyclers with big breasts compensate for the extra movement and weight in their chest; if I had 'em, I'd probably struggle with climbing and keeping balance when I push forward so close to the ground."
Or: "Cyclists usually try to keep their body fat down, so if you ever wanted to do it seriously you'd need to lose some of yours. Luckily if you DID wanna cycle, it's the best form of cardio there is...Huh? What do you mean I'm being mean? I didn't say it was bad you were fat, just that it'd be a problem if you were serious about cycling. If anything, I'm jealous since I don't have any. You're probably super warm in winter, aren't you?"
Can and will learn everything he can about someone he likes, since stalking is something he's done against opponents to get info on them. Plus, he initially views his Darling as a distraction--an opponent. Once he finds a way to get them out of his system/head, he figures it'll be fine. Yet bullying them and teasing them doesn't work; if anything, they're more of a distraction now. Hm. Maybe if he's distracted by wanting them, he'll take 'em. That'll probably fix it.
Unfortunately, he's a guy who lives by ambition. Once he wants something and gets it, he wants more. He doesn't care that they may not like him, and in fact he thinks they should be happy; he's gonna be the greatest cyclist in the world, and he's interested in THEM!
Very touchy and always is too close to them for comfort. He has popped their personal bubble and gives no shits. He once saw some crumbs on their cheek from their lunch and just. Fucking licked it off. When they got upset he just said it was their fault for not noticing it, for being a slob while eating, and for not having a napkin.
Gets annoyed when Darling doesn't do what he wants. You've seen how he gets when things don't go according to plan, after all. If you don't do it with some convincing/teasing/threatening, he'll gauge if he could get away with physical force (he's strong, but still a bit gangly lol). If he wants Darling to come somewhere with him and they refuse, he'll just smile The Smile and latch onto their wrist before dragging them off anyway. If they drag their feet, he just pushes them and tries dragging them again once they stumble.
Doesn't really get how kissing works if his tongue is involved. A quick peck, that's fine and he does that a lot, though where he does it can be a little odd (he's done it to your elbow, your chin, etc. out of nowhere)Tongue though, it's awful. It's legit like having a really long worm in your mouth. He usually doesn't even close his eyes. I'm sorry.
Uses Darling as an outlet for when he's frustrated and has no other way to get it out (like against his other team members at Kyoto Fushimi, cycling, etc). Once he develops something besides a malevolent obsession and actual feel*ngs, that stops. He was raised to cherish the things he cares about gently, and if he finds that he cherishes you, then that's what he'll do.
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sboopie · 1 year
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Hi this is gonna be the most specific comment about your work ever and it is very long and you may not even find as funny and hillarious as I do but sure let's go
An actual person with anger issues who as teenager who in high school age went to law school and also left it before graduating (yes, i find it hillarious as well) and that comic gave me the biggest flashbacks ever (lighthearted) cause it reminded me of what would happen at *every* reenactment of court
For context, *at least* once a university year we would have these reenactment where chosen students would be assigned roles (3 judges, 2 attorneys, 2 prosecutors, 1 accused, depending on the case accusator as well, and about ~7 witnesses depending on the case and depending on the case some side roles could be included) and they would get some files beforehand to familiarise themselves with and we would just pretend to be in a real court and practice what we learnt on theoretical classes (people who were not chosen for roles that time would still participate as an audience and were supposed to take notes and write down what they think was done well and what mistakes of some people they managed to spot)
The thing is, because of my experience, I can tell you that about 80-90% of law students aren't there cause they wanna do law and are interested in it or they wanna help people with law, at least not originally. Those people went to law school cause they saw some episodes of tv court shows and think that's how it looks in real life (it never does btw) and because they love debating and proving people wrong and feel righteous while doing so, they wanna choose a career around that. Those court reenactments would prove that because every. single. time. they would end up being literal shitstorms (in a good way i think cause they were funny to me tbh)
So like two girls that on every day could be found chatting and being besties and would just love spending time with each other were once picked on opposite sites of the case as a prosecutor and attorney and the whole thing ended up being just them arguing for an hour and half and picking up every possible smallest loophole they caught in the other's side as if they waited their whole for the opportunity to roast and prove the other one wrong. Like I said, there were always 2 prosecutors and 2 attorneys but in that case their partners would almost say nothing cause they didn't want to be caught in some backfire because the tension was already the biggest it could be when it would make more sense for the accusator and accused to argue but the judge had to silence the attorney and prosecutor duo more than anyone else, lol
Some other time I was appointed the role of a judge for a case where the person was accused of reckless and drunk driving and in the process hit someone and killed them and did some side damages and all the informations we got beforehand heavily emphasized that the accused was clearly guilty and at best attorney could try to lower their punishment, but *some fucking how* not only was he found innocent, the whole case went into such a rabbit hole that the actual verdict was that the *cop* who investigated the death was guilty cause he *somehow* poisoned the victim and *also* had an affair with the wife of the victim and tried to put the blame on the accused by staging the accident cause he *knew* that the accused and the victim were already on bad terms (according to the information we got beforehand, there was no mention that they even knew each other btw) and also a chicken was involved in there somehow and the only reason the cop was caught was because his statement didn't fit the statement of the other cop that was given beforehand (which was to be expected since we weren't allowed to discuss what we are gonna say or even what were our roles unless stated that the roles had connections with other participants). Most of this stuff was *never* in the files and when I, as a judge, had to make a verdict of not guilty and give the guilt to some "side character" i sort of realized that law students are just theather improv kids who will do the biggest "yes and" if you let them.
Some other funny time the guy who was appointed the accused of a double murder decided that instead of defending his case he is going to plead guilty for gigles. This was even funnier cause he said he is guilty *after* his attorneys made the case on why he couldn't possibly do it. So now the case spiraled into him and attorneys pleading that he wasn't sane at the moment of the crime (and that he is not sane right now lol) and literally everyone had hard time stopping laughing cause instead of the prosecutor doing the accusing it was the accused saying how he is guilty and contradicting everything his lawyers say despite them trying their best to save this case sometimes
As the last short story, the amount of times *I* personally almost lost my temper at the littlest thing possible was when I was the attorney and the opposing side would just throw the most obvious and nonsense questions at me just for the sake of asking questions (we are taught to always question the other side even at the smallers possible things so i guess) and I do not even remember what was being asked, I think it was something alongside of "Do you believe that [something that already was proven to not be the accused's fault like twice and therefore shouldn't be intervened further] shouldn't be discussed in more detail?" and I seriously had to keep my nerves and not burst and just stood there for over 10 seconds looking at the person and thinking about how did i even end up here and questioning the meaning of life in my head and looked around to see other people clearly sharing my thoughts and finally said "Yes. Moving on..."
After every case like that. After *every* one of them, the profesors coordinating those reenactments would always say their analysis and "Reviews" of how we did, and they would *always* say "I just want you to know and remember that the real life court cases never look like that and should end up like that"
So what I am saying is... I can feel Fugo's rage in that comic personally and just got reminded on why I quit the law school cause I would never manage to actually be a good lawyer.
Also since this message is already as long as it is I am going to make it even longer by saying: Fugo in real life would never be a law student. No law student knows math, all of us are Narancia's level of math and I think at my year, there were like max 2 people who managed to not struggle with anything math related (there weren't many math related courses anyway but when they were, we would all cry and hire tutors, my friend had like 3 tutors at one point I think, heh). If you are good at math, you never go into law, you go in like tech stuff, programming, engineering etc. because those degrees will actually get you good paying jobs even early on in your career (lawyers are not paid as good as we like to portray them in media, that only happens if you have been working in law for like over 10 or 15 years)
If you managed to read all of this, hope you have a good day, love your art and sorry for rambling in ask box but I just *had to* ramble *somewhere* about what the comic made me get reminded of XD
IM CACKLING ANON THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS
this made me not want to get into law school so much more (which i didnt want to in the first place but now my desire is in the minus) but my god this is just so so hilarious.... i do see how most law students are actually also theatre kids in disguise... AND AGAIN THE CAR CRASH ONE IS SO?#?$?#!$?#
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By: Luke Gentile
Published: Dec 7, 2022
A teacher in California who identifies as "cringey" is going viral after claiming she does not teach grammar usage and writing skills in an attempt to defeat white supremacy.
Marta Shaffer teaches English at Oroville High School and uses linguistics to fight "white supremacy in my classes" and be "inclusive of all kinds of ways we use the language," she said.
The expectation that students should use syntax and proper grammar is based in a deep-rooted white supremacy culture, she argues, according to a report.
"I try to undermine that B.S. in my classroom as much as I can," she said. "We study linguistics and the rules that we actually use to communicate instead of the made-up rules that white supremacy created for when we write papers and stuff, which is what scholars call the 'language of power.'"
"As an educator, I constantly worry if I'm the problem. What do I mean by that? Well, public education is an institution that upholds lots of problematic systems in our society like white supremacy and misogyny and colonization, etc.," she said. "Well, let's look at how we write essays [in which we] start with an introduction that includes a thesis, always cite your sources, use transition words like 'however' and 'therefore.' These are all made-up rules. They were created by Westerners in power. Which got me thinking, what if I started my school year with a unit honoring how we talk rather than teaching students how to write properly."
One example is a prompt in which Shaffer has students examine how they communicate at home.
"Just because your teachers, your professors, and your boss may expect you to write and speak in a certain way that may not be natural to you, does not mean that your more natural ... languages are not important," she said.
"They are just as important, if not more important, than the 'language of respectability.'"
Despite her efforts, Shaffer wants to make sure she does not become a "white savior."
"Did I worry I was being a white savior? Absolutely. Was it uncomfortable? Definitely, but a lot of my students come here, and they're uncomfortable with the white mainstream culture of public school life," she said.
"So I think it's good for them to see their teacher deal with linguistic discomfort, too."
==
When the inmates aren't just running the asylum, but society itself.
Reminder that K-12 teachers do not have academic freedom. They're government employees. They have no more freedom of expression in the performance of their job than Kim Davis has freedom of religion the performance of hers. Firing Shaffer is removing a dangerously unqualified employee, like removing a bus driver who doesn't have a license.
One could easily be convinced that Shaffer is a member of the KKK deliberately undermining students and particularly minorities, with her rhetoric of school being a white place, syntax and grammar being white things, writing skills being for white people. What better way to keep them in their place than by sabotaging their education? Marta Shaffer herself is a full-blown white supremacist. She's exactly that.
What's not mentioned in the article but stated in the video is that she didn't just come up with this on her own. She cites "Dr." April Baker-Bell's "Linguistic Justice," which has over 160 5-star reviews on Amazon.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Baker-Bell
April Baker-Bell is an American academic and the author of Linguistic Justice: Black Language, Literacy, Identity, and Pedagogy. She is the 2020 recipient of the Orwell Award from the National Council of Teachers of English.
She is a native of Detroit, Michigan, and is an associate professor in the English department of Michigan State University.
Baker-Bell's website proudly boasts that she's been featured on the BBC and in USA Today.
When a Muslim beats his wife, he knows he's doing the right thing because the quran says so. Marta Shaffer isn't just some random nutter; she has certainty that she's doing the right thing because the scripture says so. Which also means that there's even more Shaffers out there doing exactly the same thing with exactly the same certainty. We just haven't identified them yet.
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Text
Lovejoy's new single: call me what you want
Review? Thoughts? Analysis?
Table of contents:
how it literallly sounds (review/similar to)
Some of the lyrics and my thoughts kinda
Theme/topic/similar songs
personal thoughts/questions/criticism
Sorry English is not my first language and I don't often formally analyze songs (and never in English).
You may notice several parts have "similar songs" and that is in part because what I do most with songs is make playlists with songs that are similar and discover new music.
Musically it's really fun. The singing is a bit rambly like a crywank song (especially the bridge) and the rest reminds me of James Marriott's music. The drums sound cool (like always). Also the el-guitar, the el-guitar sounds pretty cool (it is that right?).
Some of the lyrics (via genius):
I never was a fan of the internet She never felt that safe in her own head We both hate the news
The news can be negative, I'm very good at analysis (sorry lol).
You can call me what you like As long as you call me
This is the title. I really do like this actually. I can relate this to anytime anyone has ghosted me or been unavailable for calls or I've been lonely (then directed at anyone). Also "you can call me what you like" as a thing is funny for me because I really enjoy a lot of my nicknames, and being called something different than your name can often make you feel connected to people, at least for me. One example could be from that one film "get in loser we're going shopping", that probably made that friend who was called "loser" feel good and like they were on good terms, yk?
But you can't stay awake forever No, you can't stay awake forever
I wanna stay awake forever. Or really really not. Love hearing someone else talk about it, even if the context isn't the same.
I'm not paranoid, I'm a realist I know you're gonna kill me
No cause paranoia can be so real sometimes. Fuck paranoia. I don't have a big paranoia problem, but when I have many issues piling it does occur yk. Also, "you're gonna kill me" can mean emotional death too if you want, and that's pretty applicable to a lot of stuff (school, politics, friends, etc etc).
Theme/subject/motive/motif/topic:
The song is mainly about insecurity in a relationship. It also talks about paranoia, cheating, "[her] kissing the skin under [his] lips" - which I don't really understand (like is that a thing? what does the average person think about that?).
It reminds me of Mr. Brightside, because of the way the jealousy is written. The description of what she's doing (kissing people). Also Wallow's Drunk on Halloween, with the wondering if a partner is thinking about other people. I'm sure there are hundreds of songs about these topics. I should mention tfb's Legit Tatto Gun because according to Genius the song might be making a reference to it. I'm also reminded of tfb's Lipstick Covered Magnet because of the desperation and like kinda "anything is ok" mentality (though I think that one is more about abuse in relationships, idk).
Things I don't personally enjoy/understand (personally):
I've had too many arguments over having critisisms of things that aren't necesserily flaws, but mostly personal preference and therefore I'm just disclaiming that this is my opinions and thoughts and questions. This is me relating this song to my own life, goals, insecurities and how much I'll listen to or enjoy it.
Basically, if you have any thoughts on any of this that aren't just "let people enjoy things" or "not everyone is like you" my ears are open, I like talking about music. (can you tell I've been hurt before lol).
I was surprised to hear christian lyrics ("the feel of grace of God goes you"). I'm an atheist, and even as a person living in a majority (protestant) christian country I do not understand the meaning really. I checked genius, but I'm still confused (anyone is invited to tell me what he's talking about btw).
One thing this song does is use the whole "I hope I'm the only one she'll see tonight" which to me seems overdone, but probably mostly because I'm (non-amorous) aromantic. The line kinda makes it difficult to relate to non-romantic contexts or non-interpersonal stuff. Also it makes it difficult to relate it to a polyamorous context, not that that's something I do especially often (though it can be fun).
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lookotherway · 2 years
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Always accuse touya as an unreliable narrator but never accuse endeavor as one? Sure, let's keep doubting the victim rather than the abuser. Also, don't put rei and endeavor at the same position. You all endeavor defenders are disgusting, always try to "share" his abuse to any other Todorokis including the wife he slapped and threw to the floor.
pfft ya probably new to my blog aren't ya? finding this through that 'for archive purpose' post? yeah i said i'm endeavor’s lawyer so you probably haven't read through my bnha tag to see how much i pushed his red head down the bucket for shits he has done, same with dabi. and how much i tried to smooth his characterization out, same with dabi.
endeavor is an unreliable narrator too, because his character writing is inconsistent. but well i saw him reflects his shits and genuinely trying to fix his family in the way that it will not benefit him while i saw dabi’s bitching about being more of a victim, being superior to another victim who’s his brother shouto, in addition he’s also a bastard terrorist, homicide and also had sent a villain after his brother natsuo. who do you think i would incline to? fuyumi? well even fuyumi wants to stop dabi and mend her family.
honestly, you talk like my father who once told me “nurture is the job of one person, not two”. and wow that shit reminds me a lot of endeavor/rei vs my parents.
when i said rei and enji didn’t know how to be good parents, i mean every single word of it. who the fuck agreed to bear children in regard of a selfish, risky contract can be considered as good parents, both or either the father and the mother? now, it’s not that i disregard Rei’s situation. it is because Rei said it herself that she made choice of her own accord aka into this marriage (or you want to say she’s another unreliable narrator too?) that i’m holding her to her words. understand what that means? it means in this situation regarding touya, i put rei and enji in the same position as parents of four kids first and foremost, then abuser and abused shall go after. 
i despite the most the kind of parents who either think their kids as insurance or think they can have kids for whatever selfish reason without even preparing themselves some parental knowledge. what do you think raising children is? like raising dog or pet or like a picnic day? like a simple contract witnessed by law? like the result of a quirk marriage without even consulting a doctor before that?
alright, it’s clear that rei did better job than enji in being a parent (in that 13 years), but she wasn’t perfect. if she’s perfect, she would have know words to assuage touya. if she’s perfect, she wouldn’t agree to a quirk marriage. if she’s perfect, touya wouldn’t be such a brat who dared to insult his mother. there, rei wasn’t perfect, she didn’t prepare herself enough when stepped in a risky contract like that, a contract that involves lives of innocent children. that’s why i said rei and enji were tweedledum and tweedledee the moment they agreed to this marriage, and that moment started every fucking thing.
parental, you hear that, PARENTAL.
not being a good parent doesn’t automatically make you an abuser.
of course, ignore that detail all you want, i don’t. that thing adds more layer to rei’s characterization, i just address it and say nothing disregard her abuse situation or endeavor’s shits. rei is a good-written character, albeit not much writing was made about her.
and yeah i doubt everyone until proven innocent, i just don’t shout it to others’ face. human is nuance, if you just bluntly believe or hate someone without thinking sevenfold carefully, or without some solid evidence, you will eventually hurt yourself and someone else.
p/s: stop intermingling real life and 2D pixel.
p/s 2: btw you said “always”? so there are more people who thought that too? may i have the links?
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thoughtswithsophie · 2 years
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a plus sized blindfold to my gendered experience
When I initially asked my partner these questions before starting the writing process for this autoethnography, he told me he didn't really know what I should write. It was as simple as "You dress like a female, speak like a female, and have the emotions of a female." What am I supposed to make out of that? When I asked him to clarify all of these things, he didn't know what to say; this reminds me of how I felt when I first moved to Toronto and faced my identity crisis. Where do I start?
Growing up in a small conservative town in Northern Ontario with no diversity, I had to shape my personality and performance of self around what was acceptable for girls in our society. That meant having a slim figure with just enough curves and boobs; not too much, having blond hair and straight teeth to attract the boys. It was a horrible situation; for one, these expectations were incredibly heteronormative, and although I didn't know the terms at the time, I knew this wasn't right. I didn't want to be forced to like anyone, and to be honest, I didn't like any of the boys at my school because they were mean, and now, I understand they were trying to conform to the desired representation of masculinity.
The generations of women that come before me all had beautiful curves, there was no way for me to conform to the idealized slim body that was so important at the time. I often focused on hiding my fatness before considering my gender identity. So, I kept quiet to be left alone. Coming to the big city was a cultural shock. If you constantly box yourself in and conform to what people tell you to conform to – that ends up being all you know and are familiar with, whether you like it or not. Going back home is traumatic for me because after breaking out of this identity and honestly still searching for parts of myself – it’s hard having to force myself back into a shell that doesn’t feel like me.  
I grew up loving the film The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney (1989), and now I realize how damaging Walt Disney films are for children. They impose gender, sexuality, and race norms among people without them even realizing it. When you’re young, you watch things because you like them, music, visuals – but you don't understand what they represent. Although you don't know what they’re doing on a more extensive level, what is being represented is entering your subconscious, which then differentiates norms of what you should desire and portray according to your gender. This film recreates western standards of beauty while ignoring intersectionality - black skin, curly hair, plus size women, lower class, etc. It also conveys that women need men to take the lead and that women's voices don't matter as much, if not at all. She gives her voice to the sea, and in return, she sees the human prince she likes. She is surrounded by men, and the only other woman included as a significant character is Ursula – a fat, angry, dangerous woman of color. This suggests that one shouldn't have female voices coaching them through life because it could end horribly; they aren't important enough to be heard and valued. Don’t get me started on the ‘angry Black woman’ narrative.
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Going back to Ursula (Clements, Musker & Ashman, 1989) there is a significant lack of representation of fat women on tv as leads. This was particularly hard growing up because I was repeatedly told that girls need to be small, and if there is no representation of them anywhere, it is because they are the problem. Fat women are told we are not worthy, big, or beautiful; we can’t be both. Fat women are often shown as the funny best friend, the mean girl, or used to portray the opposite of a favourable and respectable identity. I came across a song during the pandemic that I absolutely adore and honestly so beautifully says how I have experienced my life so far when it comes to my size: Fat Funny Friend by Maddie Zahm (2022).
youtube
The gender binary is very strict and has always been one or the other for me. I have realized that I sometimes connect more with an androgynous presentation of gender, but I don't know where to start or how to present myself. I was always told to act like a girl, put on dresses, wear feminine clothing, jewelry, and makeup, do my hair, sit with legs crossed, and the gifts I was given were always pink or purple. We rarely question the dominant narrative because we feel we're not allowed to do so. I was encouraged to start babysitting at 11 years old because a woman's destiny lies with raising children. Nevertheless, although these were things ingrained in me, my parents have always encouraged me to be an independent girl/woman and not rely on anyone to fulfill my needs - fixing my own car, mowing the lawn, traveling alone.
One thing I have learned about myself from moving here is that my presence on social media and my expression through my art consists of expressing a 'femme fatal,' an elegant, mysterious woman who is constantly embracing female sexuality in a safe and consenting environment. Our sexuality as women has been taken away; my purpose is to take it back and own it. I admire burlesque performance for allowing me to play with and almost make fun of dominant narratives, hyper-sexualization, and femininity while practicing dark feminine energy. I want to be what men warned society about regarding female sexuality in historical contexts.
Some women that I have studied and admired that have helped me find my identity as a sexually productive woman are Mary Magdalene; for being open about her sexuality with Jesus. She was made out to be this disgusting ‘prostitute’ when she was only a girl who was most likely exploring a sexual, maybe romantic, relationship with Jesus. It shows how women's sexuality was incredibly threatening to men. Cher is another strong woman I look up to as she has made it clear that women don't need men to succeed and deserve to be seen as capable and adequate individuals. Finally, Frida Khalo has been incredibly inspiring. She was so angry with patriarchal societies that she threatened to cut up women in some of her paintings. she represented multiple images that woman's voices were important too. She has deconstructed beauty norms by making beautiful art that normalized body hair on women. These women have a lot to offer in deconstructing what gender means and how the female gender is perceived. We are as capable as men and should have agency over how we choose to present ourselves and perform our gender.
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Although by body size was a blindfold for my gender identity, I now have the time and confidence to accept my beautiful body and to explore/deconstruct what my womanhood means and how it was built. That's it for me for now; I'm thinking of sending this to my partner and seeing how I can help deconstruct ideas of female/girlhood/womanhood vs. male/boyhood/manhood to people in my life.
I hope you do the same with the people who surround you. We'll talk again soon.
Sophie Nadeau
References
Clements, R. (Director), & Musker, J. (Director/Producer), & Ashman, H. (Producer). (1989). The Little Mermaid [Motion picture]. United States: Walt Disney Pictures. 
Zahm, M. (2022, February 2). Maddie Zahm Fat Funny Friend (Official Lyric Video [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/dD1hnhjxFDQ 
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littleletterstoelijah · 5 months
Text
Sometimes, I wonder if things would have been better had I just asked for help along the way, you know? That way, even if I felt overwhelmed, I would have an outlet. My head would feel clearer. The problems wouldn't need to snowball.
I just got off of a texter telling me about her worries for the night. She's in a long distance with her boyfriend, and immediately I remember you. At least our texts and convos aren't as dry. I guess I'm just the weak one, really. God knows that, too.
Maybe if I had sought wise counsel even just for myself, not just Temi but Kuya Eredee and Jade as well just so I have different perspectives, then maybe I would feel so bogged down by everything. But I felt paralyzed, and now you're gone.
I don't even wanna disturb you. You seem to be moving on with life. I don't wanna disturb that. I have a specific outcome I want in my heart, and I can't let go of that fact because I know that it's right in the eyes of God. I know it. It's etched in His word. That said, I also know that it would torment you to be constantly reminded of that. It would take a lot of faith for me to bring you here to this side, and I simply don't have the faith at the time to do that. I was too confident that I did. I thought too highly of myself. I also didn't trust myself enough that I could stay pure and keep you. I didn’t trust the circumstances, knowing cheating is always a possible option for you.
It just breaks my heart knowing we're in this situation. I wish I could check up on you without the fear of bringing more pain in your life than I already did. I want to know you're okay, but I also don't want to because that means life is better without me. I normally don't wanna leave a footprint, but I have the desire to have that in your heart. It hurts to feel forgettable. I wanted us to work out in God's way. I wish for God to have a space for us in His plan, but I don't really know and it was bold of me to assume. There might have been but I feel like I gave up. I'm sorry for giving up on us. I'm sorry for being so weak. I really am. I'm trying to change that.
Now, I can only turn regrets into lessons. Into directions for change. I still pray for a second chance according to God's will. His will be done in our lives. I just know that He has given me the promise that He'll take care of you and He'll meet you and I am so thankful for that promise, that the Jesus I know and love chases after His lost sheep to bring it to the join the flock. If God wills it, I'll meet you again when you join the flock. And if God wills it, we can be together again. I'll wait for His open door for us.
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heliaden · 1 year
Text
happy lonely birthday
happy lonely birthday to the aunt i disowned four years ago
i wish i could rub it in your face how much I am
thriving & flourishing
after cutting you out of my life
[because you were a Dupont Cleanup Site,
an environmental hazard not fit to be around people]
but i'd rather leave you to wonder about whatever happened to your sister's child
the one you thought deserved to be tossed away like trash
tried to force her to throw me out on the street as if you had any say in these matters
because i refused to live my life according to this road map that you drew up for me when you aren't even my parent
you thought everything would be much better if i were dead so you could sit there and cry crocodile tears that even the shittiest actress could do leagues better
crying "boohoo and woe is me, my sister's child is dead"
ignoring the fact that the knife had your own fingerprints on the handle
and then you wondered why i wanted nothing to do with you
when you made up your own narrative, conspired with the Disowned Brother on how to make it seem like i was the one out of their mind
that there was something wrong with me
when it was just your projections
if you wanted to be the heroine of a story so badly why not just write one yourself and leave everyone else out of it
where you save the day and everyone loves you for it or so your delusions and unhinged tirades and rants on Facebook proclaim...
the comments are people wondering has she no shame? after you go off on your deceased friend's nieces because I did so much more than you to women old enough to be your daughters
women who were doing the best they could whilst trying to raise up their families
your paranoia in thinking that i along with everyone else was out to get you... why would i be out to get you? you barely registered on my radar
you were the one who cut me out and i returned the favour it was a mutual bridge burning ritual and over the roar of the flames as the wood was devoured you shouted at me you will never amount to anything. you will never find happiness. you will never find someone who loves you.
and then you proceeded to stalk me after i moved like a wild woman keeping tabs on her victims to see if she can re-victimise them in the future and spin this web of lies about you being the one stalked instead
because you always need to be the victim, dont you?
happy birthday to the victim blaming victim
the woman who tries to catch her victims and wrap them in a cocoon spun from spider silk made from lies
happy birthday to the woman who lost all of her friends and became the town's biggest embarrassment
[such a fall from grace for someone who used to be the town's heroine]
happy birthday to the woman who returned to the burnt bridges and saw just how much destruction she caused to the lives of people she once maybe cared about
some of them were partially rebuilt with a variety of materials, many of them unsuitable to last for the long term
some of them were rebuilt but with signs every 5 feet reminding anyone who crossed of the boundaries they agreed not to cross
and some of them were like mine: a charred and burnt out mess that will never be rebuilt because i am flourishing & thriving
you will never meet my spouse
and yes i've told her all about you and the things you've said and done
you can yell across the chasm and ask for me to throw across to you a rope or something with which to bridge the gap
but i never answer
happy lonely birthday
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dear-ao3 · 3 years
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According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!
Youguys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey
sticks,dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All
right,here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no!
You'redating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be
lunch formy iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former
queenshere in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see
how,by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but
thereare other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your
smokinggun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out
likethis. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But
isn'the your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see
anickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
- bee movie anon
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enamouredfae · 3 years
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♡ Pick a Card ♡
What you need to know in order to be ready for the love you so longingly seek!
This reading is looking at anything you might need to heal or grow into in order to enter future relationships as your higher self. I am not looking at your future, but simply trying to guide you towards your highest good in the field of love. Many of us have internalized certain perceptions of love that we must unlearn, or have lived through difficult moments which have closed us off or made experiencing love more difficult. If you are in a toxic relationship/situation, please do not take any messages that might seem to tell you to stay in it. With this reading, I will hopefully open you up to some introspection and hopefully growth. You may very well be attracted to multiple piles and that is ok! Read all that attract you and take what resonates. Each pile has three pieces of advice, so mixing and matching is invited!
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This reading is for entertainment purposes only.
This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡
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Pile 1
Charm: Knot
1. Yang
Yang tells me that you need to learn to become more proactive in love. You cannot wait around. You must act! You need to manifest your desires into the material world by doing. It's perfectly fine to do the first move, no matter what society deems "acceptable", it is even invited with this card.
23. Peace
Radical acceptance is necessary for inner peace and in this case for a higher love. You must first love yourself fully, light and shadow self, before loving someone else in the way that you both deserve! And you deserve radical acceptance, we are all flawed and intricate people! As long as we are willing to change and grow and put in the work, past mistakes can be atoned for.
38. To be fair
This card tells me that you need to learn to be more balanced in relationships. Are you giving more than the other parties? Are you giving less? We must be fair to both others and ourselves. When someone in the relationship gives more, they may feel underappreciated which can become unmotivating, but they can also overwhelm the other person. You must learn balance.
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Pile 2
Charm: Cactus
7. To the sea (reversed)
"When fishermen cannot go to sea, they stay at home and repair their nets." This is a quote from the guidebook that I had to rewrite here because it encapsulates the advice perfectly. You probably long for love like fishermen long for the sea. This card is telling me that the problem isn't coming from you, but the external world. An idea that just popped up in my head is a queer teen living in a homophobic area or with homophobic parents, so it is likely that this could be your situation. If it is, I love you, please take care of yourself, love and better days will come, don't worry! But you must wait a while longer until the external world matches your vibration, perhaps you'll have to move, wait until you're safe to go out to the sea. Until then, go with the flow.
50. No place like home (reversed)
This card seems to work perfectly with the previous one, it reminds us that what is familiar isn't always the best, because it keeps us from growing. If you want change, you can't keep going to the same things/people that haven't worked before, it's counterintuitive. It is natural to go back to what's familiar, but try something new. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Choose unfamiliar.
34. A leg up (reversed)
You are carrying the burden of your world all alone. You probably don't feel safe sharing what you feel, or are very uncomfortable with vulnerability. To be honest with you, right before writing this part of the reading, I started tearing up, you are holding in so much hurt... You need to voice your struggles, being vulnerable is proof of immense strength, believe me! I know it's hard! Start little by little with someone you really trust!
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Pile 3
Charm: Star
35. Loyal Heart
Ok if one pile is ready for the beginning of a relationship it's this one. It is the perfect time for you to create loyal commitments. It is possible that you are already in a committed relationship, but at the very least you are surrounded by loyal, devoted people. Don't forget to be devoted and loyal in return!
4. Higher Power (reversed)
This card is inviting you to trust in whatever divine power you believe in, trust that the universe is divinely guiding you and protecting you. I feel like if a certain religion or spiritual path attracts or fascinates you, you should start looking into it, careful with being disrespectful or appropriating it, especially with closed practices, please do your research! But connecting to Source would be beneficial to you in the long run!
25. Round and Round
You are stuck in a cycle that you must break. Do not worry, you shouldn't feel bad, it's all part of the learning process. Remember: you've been through this before, think back on how that made you feel the previous times, are you sure you want to go through that again? Breaking this cycle is a form of self-care, and you need to care for yourself! You are subconsciously punishing yourself by staying in this cycle, try thinking about the root of why you're doing so! It could help you in breaking it!
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Pile 4
Charm: "Love"
8. The tribe
You may want to find your tribe, or you have recently found it. You might feel like you finally belong, or are longing for that feeling. Whenever I get this card, I think of the astrology/witchcraft/tarot community here! It may be the same for you! You are welcome here, and hopefully, you feel like you belong! Contributing to any community that you are passionate about, whether online or in real life, will bring you great joy and satisfaction. Your tribe awaits and needs you! It's possible that that's where you'll find love as well!
6. Not for you (reversed)
Let them go. Whoever you first thought of, it's time to stop obsessing over them. "Don't chase after what flees you." I'm sure you realize this is not serving you, but how do you stop? This card is suggesting radical acceptance and surrender, that this is a sign that someone or something much better is waiting for you. I suggest reminding yourself that they aren't perfect and that you have just come to idealize them.
52. Mending (reversed)
You are very likely going through a grieving period right now. There is so much hurt and disappointment. "Heartbreak is a strange healer of souls." It may feel awful now, but trust that when you look back one day, you will see that the hurt you're feeling now, transformed you in a powerful way. This card is inviting you to accept the heartbreak and push through it, situations like this open us up to seeing the world in a new way, to growing. Better days are coming!
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Pile 5
Charm: Angel
28. Building blocks (reversed)
Are you acting according to your belief system? Are you following the advice you give others? You must look carefully at your core foundation. It seems to me that you have done a lot of inner growth, but are still stuck in your old ways. Your outer self isn't matching your inner self. Start doing what you preach!
47. Go the distance
I feel like you're someone that wants love right now! For it to come fast and smoothly, like a sprint. You must learn to see love more realistically, as a long-distance race of endurance. You may be the type to immediately run at the sight of a problem. You must learn to be dedicated and work in love, it won't always be the idealized version you keep reading about or watching. Love demands work!
32. Here and Now (reversed)
You live in the past, don't you? So much regret and nostalgia... Or perhaps you live in the future? Daydreams and ambition. There is a need to learn to live in the here and now, you cannot change the past, and the future is infinite. They're both elusive, and unreliable; now is tangible, real, and full of immediate possibilities.
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Pile 6
Charm: Mars Symbol
22. Blessed
This beautiful card talks about an unexpected and "unearned" wonderful event, that seems like divine intervention, a gift from the universe. The advice I take from this card is to practice gratitude because you seem to be blessed in the love department. Perhaps you already know who "the one" is for you. If you don't, trust that the universe has someone wonderful for you!
31. Why?
Ask yourself why you feel as you do about/in love? It is time for some introspection. You need to think and identify unhealthy patterns in your love life. Why do you act as you do in a relationship? Identify what in your past has caused this behavior. It won't solve the problem right away, but it's a good first step. Understanding the problem will be validating.
27. Exchanging gifts (reversed)
"Be careful what you pray for because you might just get it." You need to be ready for the energy exchange that will happen if this happens. This card talks about an imbalance between giving and receiving. You must learn that if you receive a lot, you must return a lot, love needs to be balanced. If you give more, you aren't actually in control, the other party could be consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of your generosity!
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Pile 7
Charm: Eternally Open Heart Locket
17. The Fates
You must learn to accept that there are things and people you simply cannot control and change. You cannot blame yourself for things beyond your control, nor can you blame others for things they cannot control. Just be wise enough to tell the difference between things one can control and things one cannot!! If you have a tendency to mold people into your ideal, making them lose their essence, you must learn to accept people for who they are. It is not your job to change them: the desire to change must come from them, for them.
15. Message in a bottle
Try asking for specific signs from the universe, or start becoming more aware of them. Synchronicities are all around you, they're the way that the universe confirms that you're on the right path! Listen carefully to those you communicate with, they could be delivering a cledon to you. This card itself is a good sign, a favorable answer to the question occupying your mind.
9. Treasure Island
You might've already, but if you haven't, MANIFEST YOUR LOVE!! You will be greatly rewarded when you embrace the law of attraction and your intuition. Depending on your belief in how manifestation works, try being mindful of free will! If you believe that love spells on specific people are influencing their free will, then it is immoral to manifest a specific person. If you don't believe that that is how manifestation works, do as you will, just be in line with your beliefs! This card is also a great sign, you're on the right path, and have good fortune on your side. Very lucky pile!!
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Pile 8
Charm: Boot
2. Yin (reversed)
You must learn to receive, only being the giver isn't good for you. You deserve to receive! Be open to embodying yin and yang equally. "You stop the flow of abundance when you constantly insist upon being the giver." Be the listener, the one that learns, the one that is being led.
33. Chaos and Conflict
You may be afraid of chaos and conflict, but you must remember that they can rid you of what's no longer serving you. Conflict also implies two sides, remember that yours isn't the only one, and conflict can lead to mutual understanding. Learn to put up boundaries, but also to respect those of others. When you finally see the potential of healing that conflict can cause, you'll be ready for mature communication in relationships.
20. Imagine
Remember that you can create what you imagine! Your imagination is powerful in manifesting your desires, but it can't do everything for you! Manifestation is work, when an opportunity arises, act! This card can also be a sign that the person you're manifesting will be entering your life soon. When they appear, don't just wait, and daydream! The imagination part of manifesting is done, now it's time to act.
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Pile 9
Charm: Knife
21. Clean it up
It's time to let go and declutter your mind. Think about what is no longer serving you, about the things that only overwhelm you, and make you overthink, they aren't good for you. It might also help you to declutter in general, your house, your closet, your phone, your feed, etc. Make room for the new and the better.
48. Poised (reversed)
Think carefully, are you really ready for love right now? Because this card is telling me that you aren't. It's ok to be a "late bloomer", and it's important to be ready for love, as to not hurt the one you love, and yourself. Being single isn't a sign of "failure", it gives you the time and space to focus on yourself, on your growth, on your healing, on exploring and understanding yourself. Being single can seem like a curse, but it's a blessing, it's what you need right now.
16. All that glitters
Are you being yourself in love? Are they? Don't succumb to the power of superficiality. Either let go of the mask or look beyond theirs! "Imagine that all the glitter is gone. Would you still desire the object or person?" If one falls for the glitter, what will happen on the day they forgets to glue it on?
Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡
You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡
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slashingdisneypasta · 3 years
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Gotham Villains x Hotel Owner!Reader || Headcanons
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Explanation / Topic: You run one of the cities dingy hotels except this one, in all of its glory, is only ever visited by bad guys. Your hotel is well known as the place rogues hide away in when they're planning or they're just out of action for a while because you refuse to give up information to the police no matter what (Its proprietor-client confidentiality! Ha ha) and you're treat them fairly (Although- on the kinder side of course)
These are the many ways they show their gratitude, no matter how small.
Character involved: Most, if not all, of Fox Gotham's rogues. Except Ra's Al Ghul because he bores me. Nevertheless, not just the Legion Horrible's like the picture might lead you to believe- that's just the picture with the most villains that I could think of.
Warnings: Probably too much fluff. I'll make a sequel to this with the less-then-pretty, nitty grotty details of this hotel too probably XD
Barbara likes to invest every now and then, "Just making sure my affairs are in order baby- gotta make sure my hidey hole's still there when I need it." but she always adds a little something for you to buy yourself 'something pretty' (Since your style is SO plain, according to her but then again who isn't plain compared to her XD). This little something is always upwards of a hundred dollars. She's such a sugar mommy you cant convince me that she isn't-
Butch (Or Cyrus Gold, or Grundy. he has too many names) has made it clear that if you ever need help, you can always call him and he'll be there. Very gangsta about it. He's such a big, tough guy but such a softy on the inside XD When he had Grundy brain, he still had some kind of tracker in his mind like dogs do that took him 'home' (To your hotel), dragging Ed along with him. He gave you a big, bone crushing hug when he got there.
Dr Strange is not allowed in as he'll steal your guests and experiment on them.
You don't know Ecco too well yet and vice versa but when she turned up with Jeremiah and Jervis- you definitely appreciated her presence more then that of Jeremiah's. You were still sore over Jerome and didn't trust this new brother. Still, you complimented the bullet in Ecco's skull, saying it was pretty cool, and now she loves you XD When she's in the neighbourhood she occasionally likes to pop in and say hello; Spread a little chaos, you know the deal.
Honestly you probably new Bridgit long before Strange forcing upon her the heat resistance thing and her becoming Firefly. She of course didn't remember you but soon *warmed* up to you after you gave her one of the few rooms with a fireplace and easily forgave her when she accidentally set the couch in her room on fire (I mean its for sure not the worst thing that has happened within these walls- no worries). She has been known to go around lighting the fireplaces for you under the pretence of having fun (Which is true) but also so that you can worry about one less thing. Firefly is also one to come chat with you if she's bored.
Fish Mooney obviously doesn't stay with you very often at all, because this lady can find better dwellings (As, no offense but your hotel is kiiiiinda dingy. What can you do about it, though? You house rogues and a lot of them don't have a lotta money) but she still absolutely appreciates what you do. She'll send bad guys that she does business with that have deeper pockets then your usual client, your way. She's also kind to you, which to me is even better honestly haha XD
Headhunter stays with you a lot when he's on business and often reminds you that you get a discount from him if you require his services. Hey, you keep him in milkshakes! He's gotta repay you somehow.
Okay, the twins. You knew Jerome first and got off to a bad start with Jeremiah due to that. Still, we aren't talking about relationships; We're talking about nice things. So moving on. Just assume that you warm up to the brainier twin.
These two are hard XD Cuz their 'good' and 'bad' sides kinda blur together as they're so unpredictable and don't really care about anyone.
Still, I can see Jerome being pretty light with you and valuing the fact that you can keep up with his banter- so he keeps you alive. You're basically his mother actually, despite the possible lack of age difference. Like, he wants to show you stuff he does and tell you about chaos he's created.
And Jeremiah honestly appreciates that you'll listen to his long speeches (You've gotten pretty good at just sitting and nodding your head and you've perfected the art of the well placed understanding noises like 'Hmm' and 'Ah!' and 'Oh dear' in your line of work)- so obviously, you're invaluable to him. Must keep you around. I mean, Ecco listens, but does she really understand? That is the question.
When he's around, Jervis is very polite and gracious. He'll duck into the kitchens after dinner and start helping you with the dishes and clear dining tables, he'll ask you how you are and mean it (Like, he'll stand there and discuss it with you), he'll try to keep Jerome from barging into your room in the early hours of the morning, etc. Just nice things like that ^^
Magpie tries not to steal from you... Haha XD Like, she'll pick up a pretty clock off a mantle piece and then go to leave with it... then realise that this is yours and go 'Oops!!' and put it back, giggling nervously.
... When she leaves you still find various items from other places in the hotel, in her room, but still. The fact that she tries is enough!
Mr Freeze is a pleasure to have around, of course!! He's quiet, he nods to you when he passes, and he's there to freeze assholes that harass you (And then take them outside so they don't melt all over your carpet). A respectful dude. He has frozen Jerome multiple times... particularly when Jervis has been unsuccessful in persuading him not to wake you up at 3 in the morning.
Ivy gets so happy whenever she sees you. Lots of hugs and telling you all about how she's been. Her energy is enough to cheer you up, and on your birthdays she always brings you a new plant that has meaning to her. Like, a sunflower for how kind you are, a Ficus for abundance, etc. Always in a pot of course, never dead. So of course, you have to take care of them but its a small price to pay for the sweetness ^^ And the not being murdered thing.
Like Mooney and Barbara, Oswald doesn't stay often due to having that mansion from his father but he remembers your kindness from when he would fall on hard times before that (And after the fact, too of course) and whenever he's making some kind of mafia deal he always ensures your and your hotels safety in the contract.
Pyg / Lazlo (I cant decide which name I like best XD) is just very polite, like Jervis. Gentlemen. Also his impressions- God. Have fun with that. He might just do your favourite Looney Tune character if he's in a good mood.
With Ed... look, if you even try with his riddles without being prompted, he'll do anything for you. It's well documented. I'm not sur about nice deeds, cuz Riddler's kind of a dick, but he'll for sure send you a birthday card every year! Christmas probably too ^^
Scarecrow: I will not spray you today. You: Gee thanks. // No but seriously, he's quiet about his gratitude but he is definitely once of the good ones ^^ Would absolutely take it upon himself to come save your ass if you got abducted.
Tabitha... well, you know how Headhunter will you get a discount if you want someone killed? Tabitha will do it for fucking free.
Hey, if you feed Victor (Zsasz), you have a friend for life. He will bring pizza and just hang out together. He is also willing to murder someone for you.
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samissosexyyy · 3 years
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Tumblr thought it would be hilarious to delete all my work and not let me answer requests :').
YES I SHALL WRITE THE PLATONIC ANGRY PARENTS-
And thank you-I woke up and was talking to my friend in the morning and my brain just: jojo villain yandere dads. Mudad mudad mudad mudad anger.
Anyways, here they are- Do these even count as headcanons???? I dunno-
Dio, Part 1
Vampire form of course.
First thing first, We all know he'd be a great dad. Protective already, But make him a yandere platonic father? Oh boy, Trust me, You'd be spoiled and treated like royalty.
Now, I'm gonna say in this scenario you were on of his victims child. I'll say you'll be around 5 to eight.
Somehow you managed to catch his eye, Is it because your parent was just as bad as his? You reminded him of his mother? Or maybe you resemble him, and have three moles on your ear. Or, perhaps, A younger joestar? Either way, You somehow had him feeling like a father, and, according to one of my friends, Araki had said DIO would treat his children like they were royalty, And they would be so spoiled.
So, Mudad would end up taking you in, kidnapping, whichever honestly. He'd be holding you like a loving pet owner would, if you got scared, he'd probably be confused. Honestly he'd have you turned into a vampire quickly, as he knew he wouldn't be able to have children as a Vampire.
Truthfully, I think you'd end up never noticing how he'd occasionally pull you closer, or how he'd glare at anyone your age or older going near you. Or how he'd give you some strict rules, Like no dating anyone. E v e r. And why would you ever want to hurt your papa like that?! You wouldn't want to do that, right?! Of course you wouldn't! Dio knew you'd never betray him like that!!
Truth be told, he'd guilt you if you tried to go against his words. But punishments? No no, He'd never actually purposefully hurt you, Unlike his love interest, he'd NEVER want to cause you pain ever. He'd hate himself and wouldn't forgive himself for years. Centuries. Infact, he'd beg for your forgiveness.
The Pillarmen
And satannnaaaaa
First of all, You aren't a pillarchild. You'd most likely be some kind of god, vampire, or a young hamon learner. Or even related to the Joestars or Ceasar.
So, Let's say you're immortal who can walk in the sun. We all know you'd be the joestar side, Right? So, That means you'd end up hating or feeling pity for the pillarmen. First, You'd probably end up trying to make Santana hally when he awakens. Unlike with Joseph, He'd probably know not to attempt to attack you. Let's say you have symbols like Dio Over heaven, We all know how that would work.
You'd end up as a being worshipped by them, probably kidnapped after they destroy the Joestars.
Let's say they defeated Joseph and the others, and you were still a deity, You'd most likely be weaker then them in this scenario. They'd probably treat you like a kitten at first, like a baby before they all felt a connection. As if you were a child of their own, so they'd give you rules. And we all know how rules go with yanderes.
Let's say uh- you fell for a mortal.
"No. No."
[Crush name has fallen from a high place.]
"DADS WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU-"
"NO CUSSING IN THIS CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!"
or something like that :')
Honestly, You'd have bird dad, and a bunch of other dads. Santana would honestly be like the cool big brother honestly. You'd probably want horns too so-
They would totally buy you halloween horns to put on your head so you'd be happy baby
Now, Hamon user? They'd probably find you like a cute animal at first, probably going easy on you like it was a game of tag. Soon, they'd realize how weak and fragile you are, After all, You are just starting hamon. They'd probably kidnap you to spite Joseph and his side at first, before... Well, You didn't expect to become a vampire and treated like royalty when all you've been treated like is uh... Considering Lisalisa is your coach, I'd say you'd be happy if it was someone else doing this for you.
Josephs sibling? WOAH Joseph, When did you get a cute sibling? Pfft, Not your sibling anymore, They just adopted your ex sibling nerd.
But, All jokes aside, They'd probably be surprised that you were more mature then your brother, and...you sorta resemble a certain Coach... Oh, Humans all look the same, haha.
They'd probably kidnap you infront of Joseph just to make him feel guilt and rage, After all, Why not get their prized treasure and make Joseph angry? They'd give you more rules, until Joseph was gone, of course.
And, sadly, Not even you crying would stop them from making you into a vampire infront of your big brother, breaking both of your hearts.
Don't worry you got ice cream later smh.
Ceasars sibling? Mini pancake? Haha, They'd kidnap you as soon as they felt parent like tendencies. No denying them, infact, they'd make sure you saw ceasar get defeated by the ro ck. But don't worry! You have new parents and a brother-! Haha, Poor you.
Part 3 DIO AKA mudad!
Honest to god you'd probably have to be a stand user with a weak or strong stand, or, you were one of his kids he had with a lucky woman who survived and got a naked polaroid of him as a 'wow you lived! Congrats, now go have my kid lmao' gift. Or, Maybe you were a normal kid who was kind to him, even if he,,,,  did some questionable murder infront of you. And maybe you were a young
Now, Let's say you were a strong stand user. He'd end up wanting to use a flesh bud until he realized... He never had a kid, that he knows of, and decided to raise you! At first he'd be upset you had a strong stand like your mudad, but realized you could protect yourself from those dreadful joestars! Congrats, You became a Brando! :) How unlucky, Considering this DIO would probably force vampire masks onto you, or even using fleshbuds as a threat. Either way, You'll always be papas baby!
Yoshikage kira.
Like I said in my first post of this, He'd want to have a nice average life. You having a stand wouldn't be a problem, Since he'd probably convince you Josuke and the others are awful and rude.
Josukes sibling? Well, He'd end up telling you he can help your brother with his murder issue if you come with him. You don't exactly have a choice since Killer queen would easily overpower you if you had disagreed. You'd end up being a normal and peaceful child before long, Infact, He'd have to pretend he had adopted you behind his 'wifes' back.
Hayotos friend he never talks about? Congrats, You are now stuck with a crazy and loving father! And a mother, I suppose. And you get your best friend as a brother! You'd never be able to leave, how sad. But, You'd have your new mom and your dad to talk to-! And killer queen cuddle time.
Now, Let's say you were his own kid. Wowzers! You think its normal for your father to bring women hands home, after all, You are pretty young and your father told you most adults do this. Ah. How enjoyable.
Doppio/Diavolo
Oh dear. You poor child.
Either you were related to trish, and he somehow felt like you wouldn't be a problem before they felt more of a father love towards you, Most likely somehow getting rif of the traitors and your big sister.
"Where's big sister?"
"Don't worry about her, She's spending time with your mother."
Smh quit LIEING you jERK!
But seriously, Doppio would be like the fun mom asking you if you'd like bake cupcakes in his spare time! Read you bed time stories and whatnot! Diavolo would be awkward and "wanna play baseball or whatever kids like to do these days?" Awkward dad alert.
"My kid is fine!"
The kid they kidnapped/raised:
Casually trying to beat another kid with a baseball.❤💚💛
Honestly they'd insult everyone elses kids while here their kid is, casually scared of baseball.
Pucci
Papa priest! We all know he'd adopt you! I head canon him as gay, considering DIO and him were totally a thing.
So, He'd probably have you study Lord DIO bibles, and casually have you hate Jolyne. Probably even give you a stand, And even show you that DIO is the best! Worship! Protect yourself and all that!
Jotaro would probably scare you,  so I can see you holding onto Pucci while Jotaro appears anytime, so pucci would infact love it when you snuggle onto him lime a cute kitten. Hell, you even Sneeze like a kitten!
Honestly You'd be kept under watch 24/7, but you'd think it was normal, after all, Your father would mever do something so awful like Those Joestars claim...right?
Diego
Oh wow- dino dad :)
Let's say you were a big fan of his, Then, Well,You wouldn't mind having him as a dad, Now would you? He is your idol, Right? Yeah. Yeah!
He'd probably carry you around upside down, Hot pants just questioning his sanity as he drops you a million times. Hot pants would probably end up carrying you most of the time.
Mama hot pants and father Diego. Y es.
And, Let's say you were traveling with Johnny. Congrats. You've put yourself in a even worse situation considering Diego would become worried and paranoid over those two idiots hurting you! And he hates the idea of his baby boy/girl/child being hurt by barbarians!!!
Even though he'd probably hurt you on accident if I'm gonna be honest.
Kidnapping isn't a very easy job, so of course he had to knock you out! What was he supposed to do?! Ask you to come stay with him forever?! No! Maybe! HuawhuKaia-
Honestly not too many rules, just don't leave his side ever! Except when going to the bathroom. You'll be tied to his horse. No whining >:(.
Funny Valentine
Honestly what did you think he was going to do? Pick some random child? No no, He'd choose the PERFECT child! You were so lucky! Wow! The daughter of the mos powerful man ever! Lucky you, Right?
No. You don't get alone time unless it's you sleeping or bathing. You wear what he wants, and no.
Dating not allowed. Bad. No no no no no.
"No. No dating. Your lips will fall off."
"but mommys lips didn't-"
"Your face will melt off."
Basically you'd be bossed around and treated like royalty, as long as you listen to you dad!
Honestly I don't know if this is headcanons, if if it isn't feel free to scream at me in the comments-
AND I AM SO SORRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO ACTUALLY ANSWER, SO I HOPE YOU SEE THIS AND ARE ABLE TO ENJOY IT??? I GUESS???
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thatqueerchoirkid · 3 years
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According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!
Youguys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey
sticks,dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All
right,here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no!
You'redating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be
lunch formy iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former
queenshere in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see
how,by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but
thereare other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your
smokinggun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out
likethis. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But
isn'the your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see
anickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
(you said you wanted asks lol)
i love you anon you are funny
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