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#life is fundamentally disappointing
hella1975 · 1 year
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feel free to ignore this if you feel like it's too personal, but i just wanted to say that reading some of the posts you've made about your relationship with your mother has really like. helped? in a weird way? bc i know everyone's experience is different but my mum has always treated me as if i'm somehow fundamentally bad in a way my siblings aren't, and it can be so so hard to cope with feeling like the one person who is meant to know you best is convinced that you're actually a terrible person. so reading your posts where you mention something sort of similar to that (not exactly the same but near enough) is really really reassuring bc i've been following you for ages and you seem like a really sweet and protective person and it's like (weirdly) 'okay, if other people have that experience too maybe it's not just me and maybe i'm not the worst, actually' lol
this is actually such a touching ask to receive! to date my relationship with my mum is the most complicated relationship ive ever had with a person and i honestly wholeheartedly believe that will never change even if i have a family. she's such a complex, tortured woman and she has such a temper and she's said such awful things to me, but we're also complete mirrors of each other. growing up my mum recurringly says she thought she was 'mad and bad' - that's a phrase of hers she uses a lot. mad and bad and here i am feeling all those things she felt and it's heartbreaking because oftentimes she's the reason i feel that way, or i feel that way and she makes me feel worse. im constantly torn between guilt and shame and anger, or love so strong i cry over it. it's taken me a long time to accept i will always feel these emotions for my mother and through it she's my favourite person in the world as well as the person who can hurt me worse than anyone, and knowing you're not alone in that, that it doesn't make you a bad child to acknowledge these things, is really reassuring so thank you x
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donedyke · 1 year
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big sigh
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casiavium · 2 years
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totally unnecessary rant but. The number of white nonbinary people (and in this case, their assigned gender at birth is relevant—they're all AFAB. We can't pretend like they'd even be in this situation were they even questionably perceived AMAB) I know who are actively members of sororities that have documented issues with homophobia and transphobia that would directly affect them, and they act like they're allies to WOC but stay affiliated with these groups that have backgrounds of discrimination, and follow the campus' dismantle the entire Greek life system Instagram account is too many
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musical-chick-13 · 2 months
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One of the...saddest? Most difficult? I can't make words right now. things about writing this fic is that from an emotional/characterization standpoint, a large part of it hinges on River (as in canon) thinking that she needs to be So Extremely Careful with her love because there's no way at all that this person could possibly actually love her or value her in remotely the same way she values him and I just want to shake her and go YOU ARE AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR IN YOUR OWN STORY. HE DOES CARE. HE DOES LOVE YOU. OPEN YOUR EYES AND EMBRACE ALL THE PARTS OF YOURSELF PLEASE.
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1prodigy1 · 7 months
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With how well fed I’ve been with Good Omens and OFMD, I may divorce Gotham forever
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gaystardykeco · 8 months
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becoming abundantly clear that the less i socialize with ppl the worse im getting at it and the worse i get at it the less i socialize with ppl
#its just so frustrating bc like now i have few enough conversations with ppl that i really can spend hours obsessing over each one#and then i can find all the missteps i made and things i said wrong and just fixate on them for hours and hours#and really its on me bc i should be able to have friendly conversation without fucking up this much every time#but its just exhausting like i really do just need to isolate fully as painful as it may be bc my social skills are just getting worse#and its at the point where subjecting other ppl to them will ultimately only make them annoyed with me or disappointed in me#idk i know this all sounds silly im just tired of being so selfish and not having better control of what i say#like i think so hard all the time about how i can be a better friend and talk about myself less and then i get the chance to and just...don#i just feel like theres smth fundamentally wrong with me where the person i am is just not someone ppl want to be around#and no matter how hard i try to fix it i just end up right back here again#i feel like ppl think i stopped talking to them bc i didnt want to talk to them but thats really not it at all#i just dont feel like i can have other ppl in my life without eventually hurting them or having them regret choosing to know me#i just feel like looking back at any year of my life is looking back at so many ppl that are so much happier now that im not in their lives#and that hurts so bad and i dont know how to not be that person anymore
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mirainawen · 11 months
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me, about a month ago watching my coworker having that 'you have fundamentally altered my way of thinking and thus myself as well, this conversation will follow me forever' moment: oh this is why i came here. i only come into these places to change one small thing or person, and then i'm pulled on.
me, most likely quitting and moving on from this job soon: oprah.gif
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edenfenixblogs · 2 months
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Oh wow. This is really antisemitic, @iblewrichardspeck
You are deeply antisemitic person.
And guess what? Having a Jewish grandfather doesn’t change that.
Your knowledge of Jewish history and culture is nonexistent to the point that I won’t even bother to confront most of it.
I encourage my allies to step in and address your nonsense with reason and links to credible sources.
Two huge standout points of your lack of knowledge that I want to point out though:
Most Jews in Israel are NOT in fact European or Ashkenazi. Do literally one Google search.
“Jews have always had a right to safety in their homeland.” I want you to know that I am pretty well regarded as a person who keeps their cool in situations like this. So I want to be explicit that my ability to stay calm right now is an act of superhuman will. I want to scream at you and cry because of the amount of death and pain you are erasing with this outright, easily disproven lie. Jews do not and have not ever had safety in their homeland of ISRAEL. Nor have Jews ever had safety in any of the locations where we have made a home. Judaism and jewish life has never “thrived” anywhere, at least not for the last 2000+ years. We have always been a target of attack and displacement and genocide. Always. Without exception. The idea that Israel somehow took all the Jews of the Middle East away from their homes where they were peacefully chilling out is nonsense. The middle eastern (who are the majority btw) Jews in Israel came to Israel after being expelled from their nations of origin or murdered for refusing to leave. Poland? Yeah. It had a swell Jewish community about 1200 years ago. It’s a shame about the centuries of ghettoization and you know that pesky genocide you might have heard about. Ethiopia? You mean the place where Jews had to be smuggled out of by Israeli covert forces because of the danger they were in there?
I don’t know if I believe that your grandfather was Jewish. Maybe he was. Maybe you made him up to legitimize your own antisemitic views.
But if he was really Jewish, I’m sure he’s wildly disappointed in you.
I won’t be blocking you because I want you to see this and change your views in a deeply fundamental way. And I want you to apologize. I’m 99.99999999% sure you won’t. You’re too steeped in your hatred. But who knows. People can change. I hope you do. Because right now, your attitude, beliefs, and behavior are rancid. I will not be responding to further messages from you.
Allies or fellow Jews with bandwidth can take it from here. Adios. Shalom.
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chunksworld · 10 months
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A Helping Hand
ITZY Yuna x Male Reader | (Tags: Smut)
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A/N: Damn I've been so down bad for her lately. Thanks @kaedespicelatte as always for beta reading.
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Clank. Clank. Clank.
Missed shots after missed shots—some of them aren’t even hitting the rim, that’s how bad it’s gotten. It’s safe to say that basketball practice isn’t going particularly well for you. You’ve had to resort to either passing the ball in the perimeter or going for a layup instead, which makes you easier to defend against. And it’s not like you were making your shots in shootaround either, the rim could probably be as wide as the ocean and you would still somehow miss it. It’s as if you forgot the fundamentals of the sport you grew to love and dedicate your life towards.
Nothing frustrates you more than when your shots aren’t falling. You’re a basketball player after all—well to be more exact, you are the school’s star basketball player and the team captain. Your teammates look up at you for inspiration and to lead them to victory every single game. Sure it’s just practice, but you didn’t get this far by slacking off and you want to lead by example. No one criticizes you more than your own self and perhaps it’s that double-edged sword that has led you to become so hard on yourself. It’s a trait that has led you to success but at times like this, you are your own worst enemy.
You make brief eye contact with your coach and the look of disappointment he gives you is so gut wrenching, his hands on his hips and his eyebrows furrowed. You can already hear the rant he’s about to give once scrimmage is over, he’s not exactly a player’s coach and just because you’re the star player does not mean that he’s going to be nicer to you—in fact, it’s the opposite. You’ve gotten yelled at in front of your teammates so many times that you’ve become numb to it. He wants the best from you as much as you want the best from yourself but his yelling is what you didn’t wanna hear at this very moment. All you want to do is get some rest and perhaps sleep it off.
“Cut! Cut!”
Coach yells and you’re scrambling to remember how to defend the play. He introduced it earlier during this practice but it obviously never stuck with you. You’re so distracted trying to remember m that you didn’t even realize that you’ve blown your defensive assignment as your opponent drives past you to receive the pass for an easy layup, following the coach’s instructions perfectly and you’ve absolutely lost it. It’s one thing to not make shots but it’s even worse that you can’t even defend properly. You might as well be a drill come out there. Enough is enough. 
“Fuck!”
The expletive rings throughout the gym, much louder than you’ve anticipated and your coach blows the whistle. Your teammates can only look at you in pity, they know how frustrating it is to be in your situation plus the wrath you’re about to receive is not going to be pretty. You stop in your tracks and pant heavily, sweat dripping down your face as the intensity of the scrimmage takes over you. Silence, except for your teammates also trying to catch their breath. Your coach then takes a slow walk towards you with his clipboard in hand and you are already bracing your eardrums for the berating but then signals all of the players to leave for the day and walks up to you with his clipboard in hand. Huh, guess he’s sparing you the embarrassment for today. He probably already knows that you’ve embarrassed yourself enough already.
“Listen, I don’t know if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but I’m not having this okay? We’ve got a game later today and I need you to be completely focused and locked in. You’re not leaving this gym until you’ve made 100 threes in a row, got it?”
Somehow, that’s a better punishment than being yelled at in front of your teammates. You look pathetic as it is for their team captain and that would’ve made it worse. Maybe it was the prospect of getting yelled at but suddenly your shots were falling again, and it’s a great thing that it was a morning practice because it still took you five hours to make that many threes in a row. You were pretty sure that more threes than you’ve ever made in your entire career but it was all worth it. You were completely drained and exhausted and all you wanted to do was pass out. You found yourself laying on the hardwood floor and looking up on the banners, some of them you’ve helped raise in the rafters. It would be nice to ad—
“Tough practice, huh? Coach Lee looked like he was gonna knock your head off.” A familiar voice echoes throughout the empty gym. It’s the sound of a woman nonetheless and you’re damn sure that you must be hallucinating with how completely tired you are but that was immediately debunked the moment a basketball landed on your face. You look up and that signature bunny smile is enough to send your heart running throughout this facility. What the hell is she doing here? She’s never been here, hell does she even know what basketball is?
Shin Yuna. The school’s most popular student and the president of the student council—rumors has it that she’s turned down a record 200 male students during her time here so far (you can confirm at least 19 of those male students because everyone of your teammates have asked her out already). And it’s as clear as the bright blue skies as to why she’s highly sought after; insanely smart, stunning visuals, and an amazing body to go along with it (you definitely have not been taking notice of the last part, absolutely not). Plus, you see her face everywhere. There’s 100 clubs to join in this campus and she’s the leader for a handful of them. “Fuck me, did he broadcast to the entire school how shitty I was today?”
You lay back down on the hardwood floor, probably not good advice because your jersey is now completely dirty. But that’s the least of your concerns at this very moment. Yuna continues walking towards you, the heel of her boots making a resounding noise with each and every step. “No he didn’t, but I was running some errands and I wanted to stop by to check how our basketball team is doing and….” She sits down beside you, clearly she doesn’t care that her clothes are going to be dirty either.
“And you saw me being absolutely shit at the sport I’m supposed to be good at. Great.” What horrible timing, the student council president rarely visits and she just had to choose the worst day possible. You just want to bury a hole and dig yourself. 
And Yuna is either terrible at reading people’s emotions or she doesn’t care at all because her response was a smile as she sits closer to you, as if she’s shrugging off everything you just said. Can this day get any worse? “Well, everyone has bad days don’t they? I’m sure that LeBron Jordan guy had some bad shooting days as well.” Never mind, guess she has great intentions after all.
“Touché. But we have a game later so I need to figure the fuck out how to play again so will you be of any help, miss student council president?” You must have said something right because her face lights up like a light bulb. And you can only hope that whatever she does have in mind is actually going to be helpful.
“Well that can’t be good….” Her fingers trace your biceps, “As the president of the student council it’s my duty to ensure that our school’s star athlete can de-stress before the game right?” You’re only half focusing on her words at this very moment, her scalding touch the only thing occupying your mind as she continues to caress your arms.
Like a true basketball star, you’re figuring out her next play though like a simple pick and roll, it’s easy to decipher. You decide to let it play out anyways. “What are you trying to say?”
“How about……” Her fingers now reach for your face, her own visage now dangerously close to yours, “…I lend you a helping hand, how does that sound?”
As expected, it was the perfect read all along. The moment her lips mesh with yours and you could already feel all of this morning’s stress start to dissipate. You didn’t even hesitate to think about the potential repercussions, of the fact that two of the most influential figures on campus are about to engage in acts not appropriate for such a setting. Not when you feel how perfect her soft lips are on yours, clouding your judgment and throwing any sense of rationality out of the window. Your teammates would surely kill you if they found out that out of everyone on the team, it was you that’s getting such an opportunity with Yuna.
They’d surely be jealous because you’re the one viewing her beautiful features up close, not them. You’re the one caressing her curves and every other part of her heavenly body that have made her the wet dreams of every male student on campus. That you’re the one eliciting such lustful and throaty moans out of her as your lips trail down to her neck, your hands reaching out to her clothed busts to give them a gentle squeeze. It sounds so hot, Yuna sounds so fucking hot. And it’s a good thing that you’re wearing your basketball shorts and not your regular pants because you would definitely be in much more pain now with how hard you are.
“Fuck, a little stress relief is what I need as well….”
But it gets even worse the moment she straddles your lap, landing perfectly on the tent forming on your shorts and you inadvertently groan at the immense pleasure. She reverts back to kissing you before you could even muster up a verbal response, a more aggressive lip lock this time with tongues involved  as she slowly starts to grind on you. You could feel how wet she is under that skirt and your mind is already racing with the plenty of ways you want to take advantage of this opportunity. As much as you don’t want to stop kissing her, you don’t want it to stop at just this so you grab at the hem of your jersey but before you could remove it, she breaks away from the kiss. It’s only first base and yet she’s already ruined and so fucking pretty as always. “Is there a more private place?” 
Of course there is. You grabbed her by the hand and dragged her towards the empty locker room. As soon as the door is shut, you grab her by the waist and bring her to your lap again as you sit on the bench and resume your kissing. Busy hands immediately go to work trying to remove each other’s clothing. She gets rid of your jersey with ease while you have to work with removing her tie and lifting the blue top over her head; her bra coming off right after. Your mouth salivates at the sight of her perfectly shaped tits, round, petite, and nipples begging to be sucked. But as you were mere inches away, she got off of you to remove her skirt and panties (which were drenched as you predicted. You do the same with your shorts and boxers, throwing them to the side. Both of your shoes come flying off as well.
You’re both finally fully naked. Your cock twitching as precum oozes from the tip due to intense arousal, there in front of you lies a naked Yuna. Whereas other guys have to imagine what she looks like, you could actually view her in this state. A gorgeous face paired with a body sculpted by the gods themselves, curves that can only be compared to that of an hourglass, her clean shaven pussy, her inner thighs already drenched, and those legs that you just want wrapped around you. But with how she’s biting and licking her lips, you’re not the only one completely turned on. “You can take a picture of me to jack off to later, but I want you to fuck me now please.”
And who are you to turn down such a request? She mounts you once again, this time making sure to aim her opening at your tip. You both moan at the first contact, electricity surging through your bodies but you fight through it. You bring her lips to yours, arms wrapped around her body as you aid her in completely taking you inside her. “A-Ahhh fucc-k!” Her nails immediately dig into your shoulder and back as she pulls away from the kiss. Yuna is tight, so amazingly and mind-blowingly tight despite how wet she is. And it doesn’t seem like she’s a virgin either because she seems like she knows what she’s doing. You, on the other hand, haven’t had sex in ages and yet your carnal desire for her is what’s driving you. “So fucking b-big!”
“And you’re so tight….shit.”
Eventually, she's able to take your length all the way inside her. But with how tight she is, you will definitely rearrange her guts by the time you two are finished. That’s the least of your concerns right now, however. as she begins to roll her hips. The pleasure is overwhelming and the effects of not having any intercourse in quite a while is starting to rear its ugly head as every single movement of her hips is driving you crazy. You pull her even closer to you, causing her to squeal as no inch of space is left between the two of you. Once you are able to overcome the initial onslaught of pleasure, you begin to thrust up inside her as well. And this causes Yuna to wrap her long, luscious legs around you as her nails leave scratch marks on your back and shoulders. “F-Fuck me hard just like that, please!” Her moans are a beautiful symphony of curses, inaudible phrases, and your name uttered in the sexiest way possible. You would gladly listen to it until the day you die. Maybe you could have her relieve your stress all the time if this is what you get at the end.
And you would kiss her to prevent anyone from hearing her moans but the place is empty so it’d be useless so instead you do what you’ve been dying to do ever since earlier, and that’s to taste her breasts. It doesn’t help that they jiggle deliciously in front of you as every thrust of your hips meet her bounces. You dive down and capture them with your lips, focusing on her left breast first and licking the stiff, brown nipple with your tongue. Her whimpers only serve as encouragement, switching to the right nipple and giving it the same treatment that it deserves. Your fingers, on the other hand, are carefully massaging her saliva-drenched left breast. You repeat this over and over, making sure they get enough appreciation from you. She stops grinding her hips at some point because of the immense pleasure and you paused your thrusting as well, and if she didn’t grab you by the chin for a kiss you wouldn’t have noticed as well.
A deep, passionate makeout then ensues as she starts to grind her hips again, her hands pushing your face further towards hers into a sloppy serenade of pure unadulterated need towards each other. A string of saliva follows as you both pull away from oxygen, the lust in her eyes only strengthening with time. “Don’t lie, you’ve been dreaming of sucking my tits don’t you?” The remark catches you off guard and makes you laugh. The answer is obvious, if she wants to hear it then you’ll gladly tell her. 
“Fucking hell Yuna, I don’t think there’s any guy out there that doesn’t.” Hell, you want to suck them again at this very moment but you don’t want to be selfish. She also has her needs after all.
The grinding of her hips turns into bouncing again, and the slapping of skin on skin begins to reverberate in the empty locker room. “Exactly. S-So take advantage of this opportunity—shit—and give me your all.” You don’t want to be told twice; you bury your face on her chest as you thrust up at a frantic pace. Her moans only get louder as you piston your cock inside her pussy—that’s still so amazingly tight—relentlessly, making sure that they’ll mold to your shape. Soon, those moans turn into whimpers as she rests her chin on your shoulders and her hot breath going directly through your ears as she continuously whispers sweet nothings—completely delirious from how good of a fucking she’s receiving from you. It’s so pure, it’s so carnal, and it’s so fucking hot the way your moans combine with the slapping of wet skin and the squelches of her pussy as you continue to pound up into her. 
But you two are humans after all and can only receive and give so much pleasure, and it doesn’t really take long for Yuna to completely unravel—only three more minutes to be exact. You could already feel it with how much tighter she’s gotten, so tight that you might just reach your orgasm the same time as her. It takes you gritting your teeth and closing your eyes because looking at her pleasure-stricken face with her tongue sticking out and eyes rolled to the back of her head along with her unreal visuals is going to completely cause you to become undone. “Fuck, baby I’m gonna come please. Make me come, fuck me just like that I’m so fucking close….” But you’d rather attack her neck with kisses and bites anyways, the combined smell of her sweat and lavender perfume only driving you crazier and crazier. Like a mantra, she repeats her wish along with incoherent whispers but it’s at a particularly rough thrust as she comes down hard in your lap that sets off the explosions.
“FFUCKK!”
It’s so fucking hot. The way her nails cling to your back, now probably leaving scratches that will surely take weeks to disappear. The way her luscious thighs constrict your waist. The way she grabs onto your face and pulls you towards her for a kiss. It’s all too overwhelming and it takes every single fiber of your being not to join her as her hot and tight walls attempt to squeeze you for all the cum you have, and you just might. Her juices immediately flood both of your crotches as her orgasm completely overrides her, taking a few minutes to subside as you continue to thrust your hips up to her at a slower and gentle pace. She doesn’t stop grinding her hips either, her moans now turning into whimpers while she continues to make-out with you, and with everything that’s already happened you know you’re not too far away from joining her. Yuna pulls away from the kiss and she whispers the words you’ve been dying to hear, her eyes filled with cock-filled lust in the aftermath of her post-orgasm haze. “Fucking cum in me.”
You’re embarrassed the way it immediately turns you on, as if a switch is flipped inside your brain that wants one thing and one thing only: Yuna. So with the remaining strength you have, you place your hands underneath her thighs and made sure that she’s wrapped tightly around you before standing up to effectively fuck her in stand and carry. The new position has her screaming and yelling as gravity aids in impaling her into your shaft, your cock now reaching places inside her that you couldn’t do so earlier. You bounce her on your length before walking over to your locker and pressing her back onto the cold surface, making her shiver. With support, you continue to thrust into her at an unrelenting pace and due to the sensitivity from her orgasm, it doesn’t take too long for her to come undone once again. You must’ve discovered a specific bundle of nerves inside her because she bites into your shoulder with a scream and begging you to fuck her hard once again, every thrust has her wrapping her arms around tour neck tighter and the feeling of such a perfect body like hers against yours is truly mindblowing. 
She’s completely rag-dolled into your arms at this point and it only took a few more thrusts before she lost herself. The sight is perfect and unsullied, not even the most expensive paintings in the world could rival her face at this very moment. It’s all beautiful and lewd at the same time. It’s an orgasm that’s somehow even stronger than her first one. “S-So fucking good!” Yuna’s juices immediately start to flood your length and drip down to the floor below; the added lubrication now making it easier to thrust in and out of her and she must’ve noticed how much your cock has been twitching ever since her orgasm because she doesn’t stop bouncing on your cock despite her sensitivity, in fact she’s working twice as hard. No words exchanged for a while as she’s still trying to recover from the intensity of her orgasm while you’ve been rendered speechless by how intense your orgasm is going to be as well. Instead she kisses you as a way of showing thanks, nibbling and pulling on your lower lip as you let her do all the work. It doesn’t take long for you to feel that bubbling sensation in your stomach and you have to inform her sooner or later so you pull away from the kiss but it seems like she already knows.
“Y-Yuna, where—“
She gives you a nod, then a peck on the lips. Her eyes are once again filled with lust and that’s the only green light you need. “It’s been a while since I’ve been fucked like that so it’s only right for me to return the favor. I want your cum inside me please.” Such words have never been more enticing and seducing. With a loud groan, the first shot of cum is emptied into Yuna’s freshly fucked pussy. And then some more; each thrust of your hips delivers a shot of cum fucked deep into her needy womb. Each thrust makes all of the stress and anguish of today go away. You can’t count how many shots you’ve unloaded but it’s enough to stain your balls and flood the gaps between where your cock and her pussy meet—all of it dripping down onto the floor below. Another makeout session ensues, your tongues lazily dancing with one another as you continue to thrust your cock inside her to make sure no drop of cum is wasted. But it really doesn’t matter because a copious amount of semen drips out of her pussy the moment you pull out, and you’re completely shocked by how much you filled her. It’s truly a testament to how good she fucked you.
“Shit. Yuna, I–” 
Yuna interrupts you with a kiss. “It’s fine, I wanted your cum and I got it. And it looks like you were really stressed.” She points towards the pool of cum on the floor, weeks worth deposited inside her and you can’t help but be embarrassed. “Either that or I really turned you on.” Heat rises up to your cheeks and you want to dig up a hole and bury yourself in it once again. There’s no denying that she didn’t; she’s definitely the best woman you’ve ever had sex with and it doesn’t even come close. And the sight of her post-sex is only making you want to fuck her again—her inner thighs glazed with your cum, her perfect body covered with sweat, and her face looking thoroughly fucked. Your cock twitches at the sight and she smirks, walking over to you and slowly wrapping her fingers around your length and pumping it at a leisurely pace. 
“Hmm. Looks like you’re still hard for me, how about I fix that?” It truly must be your lucky day today because she dragged you to the showers and quickly got on her knees, taking your length inside her mouth and effectively cleaned both of your juices off of it with her skillful tongue. Despite already one orgasm down the drain, the opportunity to paint her face with your cum is the only thing you need to get going again. Yuna continues to bob her head up and down your cock, her hands massaging your balls as if to make sure to receive your full load again. Your groans and the lewd sound of her mouth overpowers the sound of the intense water pressure of the shower. And with how turned on you’ve been, it doesn’t take too long before you unload spurts after spurts of cum on her face. She looks so damn beautiful, yet so ruined at the same time. “We taste so good together, we should do this more often…” 
Thankfully the rest of the shower time was actually used to clean up and ten minutes later, you two are dressed up again as if nothing happened. “Good luck out there, champ. I’ll be cheering for you.” Yuna gives you one final kiss, giving you an extra boost as if you weren’t motivated enough already. Then she flashes her signature wide smile that has caused hundreds of men to fall in love with her, and you’re about to be added on to that list. Fucking hell. 
“Here’s my number by the way. Feel free to stop by my dorm once you guys win, your student council president will have a special prize for you.”
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booksandmate · 8 months
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On understanding and other things
I think part of the reason why that final talk is so painful is because it shows that they don't know each other as well as they wanted to believe. Both of their ideas about who the other is and what they want are based mostly on what they want the other to be and not on who they really are.
They both want to be together, but in different ways. Aziraphale wants them to be on the same side, on the side of heaven. Crowley wants them to be on their own side, one apart from heaven and hell and everything they know, one where they can be themselves as Crowley and Aziraphale, not as angel and demon or even angel and angel.
And I think the reason they want such different things has to do with a number of things that could be summed up in their different life experiences and, consequently, their views on idealism and big changes.
Aziraphale never got over who they were in the beginning. I think for both of them that might have been one of the most beautiful moments of their lives, because they were still together, on the same side, simply in awe of the beauty of creation and unaware of the problems that would arise in the future. It is the only part of their history where they could be on the same side without breaking the rules, so it is only natural that Aziraphale remembers it as the best of times. But it ended with Crowley being unfairly cast out, so it's only sensible that he has a completely different perception.
And Aziraphale still believes Crowley to be an angel. He interprets his rejection of evil and his pursuit of goodness as a remnant of the angel he used to be and his desire to be one again. And actually, this interpretation makes sense, but it’s just not the correct one. Crowley has again and again denied his demon nature, doing everything in his power to do as little evil as possible without his head office noticing, yes, but not because he wants to be an angel.
Crowley has given up the idea of heaven as fundamentally good a long time ago, as it has proven, in more than one ocassion, to be capable of as much cruelty as hell itself in the name of an imagined greater good. Crowley's experience as an angel was good only at the very beginning. Once he learned that heaven was more about following rules than doing good, his idea of it was lost.
In short, Crowley doesn't want to be a demon any more than he wants to be an angel. It is not a matter of which side, but of the existence of sides per se. He does not like the system and does not want to be part of it from either side.
That is why he is hurt, because after so long, Aziraphale misunderstood his true nature. Crowley wants to be good, yes, but not in an angelic way. He doesn't want to go back to the place where rules and great plans matter more than real goodness. He just wants to be himself, outside of preconceived ideas of good and evil.
And so Aziraphale's offer to return to all that comes to Crowley as a disappointment. To realise that after all these years the one person you can consider a friend doesn't really understand you, the one person who has stood by you, listened to you, protected you, and done everything that no one else ever did. That even that person can't understand what you are, well, it must have felt like a stab in the chest.
And the same is true the other way around.
Crowley wanted to think that after the events of s1, Aziraphale had finally accepted who he was and what he (they) wanted. In the same way that Crowley hasn't been good at being a demon, Aziraphale hasn't been good at being an angel, and Crowley thinks that puts them in the same place. But it doesn't, because although Aziraphale is not just a clueless angel who silently follows the rules, neither has he been let down in the same way that Crowley has.
As I mentioned earlier, their difference of opinion is based (not entirely, but largely) on their different experiences of heaven. Aziraphale has been let down by heaven a couple of times throughout history, but none of them could match what Crowley had to go through when he was cast out. Aziraphale knows this, but he can never truly understand it.
So even when they both understand that heaven is not ideal, one of them approaches it with exasperating idealism, while the other doesn't even try anymore.
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utilitycaster · 4 months
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It's become stunningly clear with this most recent episode that Imogen and Laudna's insularity, mistrust of everyone else in the party, and refusal to take responsibility for their actions is at the heart of the disconnect and lack of bonding within Bells Hells. It is not the only reason - I think Orym's constant smoothing over of issues in the interest of forward motion has certainly exacerbated the situation - but it's a significant and unavoidable factor. I'm hoping that while the actual exercises of the team-building probably won't themselves fix the issues this party has, addressing the various secrets that are now out, specifically the ones that touch on issues that affect the functioning and dynamics of the entire group, actually might.
As this post notes, their unwillingness to question each other or develop any conflict resolution with each other means they tend to, even if unwittingly, dogpile the rest of the group by acting as a singular voice. In a small conflict-averse group, this tends to constantly overwhelm the conversation. This is worsened by Imogen's psychic abilities, which permit her to glean information about the others without the need to have a conversation; it means the others in the party frequently start with two votes against them before they've even said anything.
They also both suffer from a pretty profound lack of boundaries. Again, Imogen's psychic abilities are invasive, frequently unwelcome, and often lead her to both jump to conclusions and to police the behaviors of others without considering their actions nor giving them any chance to have a full conversation. It also means she controls what information the rest of the party knows, as her interpretation of someone else's mental state is the only thing they're given when she reads someone's mind. Laudna, meanwhile, is extremely quick to trust, while also taking any deception as profound betrayal. As a result, they both tend to take a hot-or-cold approach to the others in the party based on the other person's most recent thought or action. They are prone to black-and-white thinking and snap judgments, which, as the next paragraph indicates, has serious ramifications.
Imogen and Laudna are terrible about actually talking to people and getting anything out in the open. This includes each other; again, see their frequent unquestioning support or the claim that their relationship defies words (which it does not; as of last episode this has culminated in Imogen revealing that, in fact, she is disgusted by a fundamental reality of their relationship, which is absolutely not something that can be addressed without a pretty intense conversation.) We also see this in how they've taken Fearne's choice not to take the shard. While, arguably, they had heard Fearne express her concerns about the shard to Morri by the time of the honesty exercise (which would make their behavior even worse), even if they hadn't, that's two voices shaming her for without hearing her side of the story. It's in sharp contrast with Chetney, who also expresses his disappointment with Fearne in episode 3x78, but immediately follows it up by asking her why she didn't want it. Imogen and Laudna never take it upon themselves to ask her how she feels or why she made that choice and let her explain; they jump straight to judgement.
That failure to ask ties into the final element of why they are the weak point in Bells Hells' communication: they are just as guilty as Ashton of "violent projection of responsibility", but unlike Ashton have not realized the depth of this flaw and the consequences it has not just on their own life but on the others in the party. This is less of an issue with Imogen with regards to Bells Hells (in fact one might argue she takes far too much responsibility in that she apparently sees policing the party on the basis of their thoughts to be her duty, though I would note that unattuning the circlet leaves her, the person with the clearest ties to the Vanguard, vulnerable to the powers of others within the organization) and far more so with the gods, from whom she apparently expects instant gratification. However, this is at the core of Laudna. It's true that she is by no means the only powder keg within the party; Chetney and FCG's abilities are also dangerous. However, one must take into account that Laudna has been aware of Delilah's presence for, as she has repeatedly stated, over three decades now, and only now realized the implications thereof, whereas Chetney became a werewolf less than a year ago and immediately took steps to mitigate the threat he posed, and FCG only learned of their condition within the past few months. Like Chetney, she has learned to remove herself from situations in which she could pose an immediate threat, but that slow learning curve and lack of proactivity is not promising for the future. It's also true that, keeping all other circumstances identical, the impact of Laudna's loss of control is far more dangerous. If Chetney bites someone or FCG attacks, unless they kill someone, the damage and curse can be undone and the power within them is unchanged. The same is not true with regards to what happens if Delilah makes Laudna absorb a magical item or a soul.
While everyone in Bells Hells shares some responsibility for the current state of affairs, Imogen and Laudna are without a doubt the primary source of toxicity. I think the others have become aware that they are in an environment in which Imogen is likely to either shoot them down, read their minds nonconsensually, or make insensitive suggestions, and that Laudna will nod along next to her as she does. It does not feel coincidental that Fearne chose not to voice her concerns and that Ashton avoided the group conversation entirely. This again does not absolve Ashton or Fearne of their deception of the party, but it does explain why they might feel an honest conversation is impossible. Unpacking what was said during the Honesty exercise might finally allow Bells Hells to excise this rot and to begin a new era of group conversations in which everyone feels they can say what needs to be said without fear, but it will be an effort to be sure.
Because it's me, I think it's worth noting that the fandom emphasis on absolving Imogen and Laudna of any accountability (which I've spoken about at length and have had on my radar for a long time now) is obviously not the cause of this behavior in-game, but does echo it in interesting ways. I'm not sure I would have realized the extent to which they evade responsibility in-game without this mentality being so prominently in the fandom. It explains why they are never expected, by many fans, to even achieve as minor a task as "asking Fearne how she feels instead of letting their own feelings dominate what they think she should do", let alone set boundaries for each other. But ultimately, that is the key: I think the only way for this party to achieve the trust they need is through the assertion of those boundaries. When Bells Hells know that they have the freedom to disagree with each other without being accused, dogpiled, ignored, or told to get it together, only then will they be able to actually come to true consensus rather than the fragile and tenuous teamwork they have had so far.
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dr-dendritic-trees · 10 months
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Having just finished Lady Knight I'm reflecting on how fundamentally different Kel's story is from Daine and Alanna.
Alanna and Daine are both heavy on The Nonsense (to use @holy-muffins excellent phrase). You can roughly sum them up as The Beginning Of The Nonsense and The Nonsense Escalates. And both of them have these very specific backgrounds, and they have powers, and the gods are constantly bothering them (and this goes for Arram Draper too)... Kel is just Kel (except for the one head's up from the Chamber).
Like, you can roughly sum up Protector of the Small as Kel Goes to School and then Kel's First Job. She's an excellent knight, but just regular flavour excellent. The entirety of First Test and of Squire is just Kel's education with a few hiccups. The climax of both is just, a final exam. The big climax of Page culminates in A Courtroom Drama, in Squire. The big climax of Lady Knight Kel describes as the greatest disappointment of her life.
Its amazing. She's living her life in the aftermath of all the Nonsense, but that's just her life, she's grown up with it.
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thetarotbestie · 5 months
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How Can I Love Myself More?
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This is a quick reading on how you can love yourself more. Choose a pile based on your intuition, not your physical eye. If more than one pile calls to you, there may be messages for you in different piles. If none of the piles call to you or seem to resonate, this simply may not be your reading. If so, I'll catch you at the next one! If choosing piles is hard for you, try a random number generator! Ask your guides or the Universe to direct you to a pile that has a message for you, then see what number comes up.
Always remember that tarot is a vague snapshot into a constantly changing future. Please use my readings as a way to discover more about yourself and offer guidance, but don't let it dictate your life. Don't hand over your power to a reading. Let tarot empower you to be your best, do lots of introspection, and make choices aligned with who you discover yourself to be!
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Pile One
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For everyone who chose this pile, I’m getting that the main way you can love yourself more is by choosing how to spend your energy better. There’s a lot of you here suffering from major burnout, major fatigue, maybe even some of you dealing with energy vampires. This is also for my people who have been waiting on something for a very long time. Maybe you’ve been manifesting for something and patiently waiting for the results, or maybe you’re in a season of winter and have been patiently waiting for your spring for a long time. Whatever the case is for you guys, your energy is spent, and I’m seeing you guys wasting what little you have on fruitless pursuits. Arguing with others, defending your ego, standing ten toes down when you’ve been proven wrong, take what you can. Maybe it’s nothing as serious as that, maybe you’re wasting 8-10 hours a day on TikTok, rotting away in bed, anxious over the past and things you can’t change. This is a downward spiral that does you no good. If this is you, you need to figure out a way to put your energy toward worthwhile pursuits. Learning something new, making new memories, making progress on current projects, cleaning and clearing your space, etc. Find something positive and good to put your energy toward. You’ll end up feeling better about yourself. Because when you’re so stuck and fixated on the negative aspects of your life, when you stay stuck in the past without moving forward, you become a product of self-neglect. Someone said this, and I’m just paraphrasing, but when you don’t succeed at something, when you don’t even try or when you try and fail and don’t attempt it again, when you stay stuck, you’re breaking the bond of trust you have with yourself. You’re telling yourself you don’t trust yourself not to screw up again. And then your mind keeps replaying everything you’ve ever done wrong, you can’t focus on anything other than every single way life has gone wrong, and you can’t find a way forward. The key to breaking this cycle is self-love, and for you guys, you need to spend your energy doing things that are going to build up that trust within you again. Clean your room, and you’ll see that you can finish something you start. Make progress on a personal project with no stakes, and you’ll see that you can improve things you love. Learn something new, and you’ll see you are capable of change.
There needs to be a fundamental shift in how you go about your day. Having fun is great, but doing mindless entertainment for most of the day takes your time and energy almost without you noticing. I remember when I deleted all of my social media for like a month. Without all the scrolling and posting, I almost didn’t know what to do with all of my free time. I had a lot more of it than I thought I did. So I started taking walks, listening to podcasts, reading books. I stopped drinking as much, I started sleeping better. And most of all, I had a lot less negative thoughts about myself than before. A lot of you could be suffering from negative self-talk that stems from disappointment from yourself. Maybe you guys need to unplug for a bit, especially if you feel like you’re a bit addicted to social media. We’ve all heard this before, but if you’re constantly looking at the perfectly curated lives of other people, you’ll think so many people are better than you and you can start to think about what went wrong with you that you’re not living a great life like them. To be honest, those constant comparisons and the constant bombardment of information are not healthy for your psyche and self-concept. You need to work out who you are and what you love on your own, outside of other people’s influence. Do you really like that artist, or do your favorite internet people like that artist so you feel you need to like them as well? Do you really like that style, or do you stop liking it once you stop seeing other people like it? You need to spend some time and energy on yourself, on your own, without other people around to influence you.
Some shadow work questions and prompts for you to explore:
What makes me happy, truly happy? It seems like an easy enough question, but it can be complex. Think about the last time you were really, truly, incandescently happy. Think about the last time you laughed so hard you cried. Think about the last time you were having such a good time that you didn’t want the day/night to ever end. What were you doing? Who were you with? How did you feel? Think about how to capture that feeling again. If it comes to you easily, then great! If not, explore why it doesn’t. Explore why you haven’t felt joy, why your heart hasn’t felt full, in a while and think on ways you could be blocking yourself from feeling those positive emotions. Reflect on how loving yourself can bring those feelings back.
When was the last time I stepped out of my comfort zone? If you have issues stepping out of your comfort zone, there could be some serious blockages around self-trust that you need to address. The last time you did, what were you doing? Who were you with? How did you feel? Think about small ways to step out of your comfort zone again. Make a dish with an ingredient you’re not sure about at home. Sing even if you think your voice sounds bad when you’re in your car alone. Take a new route home on a day when it doesn’t matter. If there is any fear within you that’s keeping you from experiencing anything new in order to keep you safe from any negative experiences, explore the root of that fear. Reflect on how loving yourself can combat that fear.
How do I wish I loved myself? An easier way to love yourself is to think: in an ideal world, what would self-love look like? What would self-care look like? How would I put my energy toward myself? Think about ideal physical self-care or beauty rituals, affirmations that resonate with you, lifestyles you’d like to live. Create moodboards or journal it all out. In a perfect world, how do I think I would act and feel if I had all the love in my heart for myself? Reflect on how to put some of those ideas into practice now.
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Pile Two
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For those of you who chose this pile, you need to change the way you see yourselves ASAP. I think a bunch of you are stuck seeing a past version of you, or an “unfinished” version of you (primarily, the you before you matured in some way). A lot of you have crippling self-doubt, anxiety, and low self-esteem. I’m getting like the image of a person who grew up fat and learned a lot of shame surrounding it, and then they lost the weight, but they still carried themselves as if they never changed. And to be clear, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with being in a bigger body no matter what anyone tells you, but we live in a society that’s hostile towards people who do live in bigger bodies, so the shame of that can follow a person their entire life. And it doesn’t even need to be that. I remember a story Eva Longoria (an actress) said about how she was always the ugly one growing up because her sisters were lighter-skinned and blonde, and it’s something that’s carried over into her adulthood. But the gag is, seeing pictures of her and her sisters, she was always the most beautiful one of them all! But because her self-concept and society told her that light = good and beautiful, her darker features made her feel ugly even as she grew more and more beautiful. If this is you guys, you need to change the foundations of how you see yourself, period. Whatever it is that’s causing you guys to feel less than or worse than, you need to fix it and fast. You guys are like Eva Longoria. You could be the best, most successful, most beautiful out of everyone you’re comparing yourself to, but because of a fundamental flaw in what you believe, you’re not seeing it. I’m also thinking of Princess Grace of Monaco. If I’m remembering the story correctly, she was not the “best” out of her family. She came from a family of athletes, and because she chose to become an actress, she was seen as less important and successful than the rest of her family, particularly her sister. Think about that: Hollywood actress, fashion icon, literal princess Grace Kelly being not as “great” as someone we know nothing about just because their concept of what constituted as great was different. Change the way you look at yourself now.
You guys need to free your mind from preexisting social constructs. I’m getting so much about beauty here. You guys could be my pile that’s extremely susceptible to getting cosmetic work done. And I don’t give medical advice on here to anyone, but from a social perspective on cosmetic surgery, a lot of people get work done due to society and not themselves. People of color lightening their eyes and permanently straightening their hair, petite women getting BBLs and breast augmentations, people everywhere getting filler in every single area above the neck as they can. These people see a look online and because that’s the beauty standard being pushed today, they think they’ll be happy once they get it. The truth is, if you’re not happy with yourself as you are, you won’t be happy with yourself after you change yourself. And you’ll keep changing and changing and changing and you’ll hate yourself just as much as you did before. I’m thinking of Lil Kim, the rapper. She was so beautiful, and people convinced her that she was ugly because she was dark-skinned. So she underwent so many surgeries, and now she looks unrecognizable from how she originally was. And the worst part is she admitted that none of the surgeries helped and she wish she hadn’t gotten them. Thinking about her versus Cardi B, another rapper who also got loads of cosmetic procedures. But she loved herself before them, and that self-love carries on after all of her procedures, and it’s very evident in the way she carries herself. I’m hearing a mashup of lines from different songs on Beyoncé’s Renaissance album. From Cozy: “Comfortable in my skin, cozy with who I am, I love myself, goddamn.” From Alien Superstar: “Bad bitch, I'm the bar.” From Heated…honestly that entire song, but especially: “Tip, tip, tip on hardwood floors. Ten, ten, ten across the board.” Honestly that entire album is full of manifestations that you may need to listen to. It’s funny how I’m getting so many examples of famous people to compare you guys to. It’s almost like confirmation that you guys are comparing yourselves to others too much. And your self-concept issues don’t have to be physical, even though I’m getting lots of physical examples. It could be that you think you’re not as smart because you’re not good in math or science even though you’re amazing at music or language. It could be that you think you’re too sensitive when in reality you’re just highly empathic and humane. It could be that you're remembering all the embarrassing and awkward things you did as a child and you're applying them to yourself now as an adult, forgetting that you were a literal child when you did the embarrassing/awkward thing. Whatever the case is, you need to fundamentally shift how you view yourself in order to love yourself more. It needs to come from within.
Some shadow work questions and prompts for you to explore:
What makes me feel free? Think about the last time you didn’t have an ideal or a standard to live up to. When was the last time you felt comfortable in exactly who you were, nothing more, nothing less? What were you doing? Who were you with? How did you feel? Think about how to capture that feeling again. Think about ways that you’re following the status quo and societal pressures without even realizing it. Think of the things you do that you maybe don’t exactly want to do and ask yourself why you’re doing it. From the clothes you buy to the makeup you wear to the people you talk to. Reflect on what would stay and what would go if you loved yourself enough to only keep what fulfilled you.
What would I tell my childhood self if I had the chance? This is a deep one, and I’d only recommend you dive into inner child healing if you’re in the mindset to do so. It is not for the weak of heart, and usually results in you realizing just how young you were when the world first failed you. This usually results in mourning a part of yourself that never should have died. But if you can, what would you tell Tiny You? Do you have any regrets for how life turned out? If you could tell them to avoid something or go towards something, what would that be? Visualize yourself giving your most vulnerable childhood self the loving embrace that maybe you never got when you needed it the most. Reflect on how loving the most vulnerable parts of yourself affects you now.
When was the first time I truly felt I loved myself? Think back to the first time you really, truly loved being yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? How did you feel? How different do you feel today than you did then? What does loving yourself feel like? Don’t be afraid to admit if you’ve never had that feeling before. Reflect on what you believe has changed to make you no longer feel that way, or why you’ve never felt that way in the first place.
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Pile Three
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For those of you who chose this pile, I’m getting that you need to get your confidence up. Out of all three piles, your cards took the longest to come out and you had the most reversals. Your message also took a bit of a while to come through. It’s almost like a shy, sheepish energy, like those kinds of people who can’t take a compliment and who downplay everything they do. Whatever it is within you guys that make you feel like you’re not…worthy of acknowledgment, like you’re not worthy of praise needs to get tf ASAP. You’re definitely my fighters, my survivors, my people who get knocked down 9 times and get up 10. You guys make magic with a dollar and a day, are literal superheroes, and yet…you guys almost act like there’s nothing special about you, like just anyone can do what you guys accomplish. That’s fake news, babes. Not everyone overcomes adversity the way you guys do, so whenever you succeed at anything or accomplish anything, you need to own it. You need to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, unscrunch your brow, and learn to look people in the eye. You need to learn to have pride in your work and in your decisions, especially when they turn out well and people congratulate you on them. If you’re the first person in your family to graduate, be proud of that! Don’t just brush it off because “anyone can do that.” If anyone could do it, everyone would, and everyone doesn’t. There’s almost this feeling of self-deprecation beyond the norm that’s going on with y’all that I really don’t like and that you guys need to do away with now, because it’s blocking you from seeing exactly how amazing you are. You guys are wise, you’re capable, you’re unbeatable. You have so much to give and you give so much. And you think you’re nothing special and it’s actually really frustrating that you can’t see that.
And I get that it’s not entirely your fault. We live in a world of absolutes where someone’s always better and better and better until you get up to the best. If you accomplish something amazing today, someone will tell you about another person who accomplished that same thing faster and better than you did, making you feel like your accomplishment wasn't an accomplishment at all. Life can feel like a neverending competition that you’ll never win. But here’s a secret: you can only win or lose if you choose to play. You don’t have to play into these bumass games of who’s better and who’s worse. Pile Two had a bit of these comparison vibes, so go check that pile out if it called to you. But your accomplishments and your life in general is something to be proud of. You survived your past, you’re here, and you’re living. Those are things so many people can’t say so you should be proud of those things. You should be proud that, against all odds, you’re still here. I'm Still Here by John Rzenzik, check that song out. You need to find a way to feel more confident about the life you live, the roles you play, and the things you accomplish. When people compliment you, take the compliment! When people praise you, thank them! When people seek you out, don’t question them! I was getting a few messages surrounding commitment at the beginning and I didn’t understand why, but now I do. Your self-sabotaging could run so deep that you’re like me when I was in middle school. I felt like a bit of an ugly duckling in middle school, so when a boy who I’d liked for three years finally asked me out, I thought he was pranking me and got really mad. I turned him down in such a way that made it so that he never spoke to me again. Mutual friends came up to me afterward and let me know he was being sincere and had built up the courage to ask me for years. I did the same thing in high school when a boy asked me out to prom in a roundabout way. I thought he was joking because he was popular and I wasn’t, so I told him no. I later found out he was serious. You guys could sabotage relationships and be commitment-phobes because you don’t think there’s anyway people, good people, could like you or want you because there’s nothing special about you. It boils down to confidence. In order to love yourself more and give yourself the life you deserve, you need to get your confidence up.
Some shadow work questions and prompts for you to explore:
What am I thinking about right now? Think about what’s going through your mind when you want to downplay yourself or your accomplishments. What are you feeling? Think about what’s going through your mind when you believe you’re nothing special, when you believe you can’t be the one someone is asking after. Reflect on how what you’re thinking does not serve you in that moment.
What memories keep coming to the surface? What are you remembering? Does it have any relevance to what’s going on now? Our brains are a mass of connections dedicated to keeping us alive and well, but sometimes connections are made where they shouldn’t be. Those mistakes you keep reliving, the embarrassment you still feel as though it was fresh…why do you think they’re still there? What effect do you think they’re having on you? Reflect on how to let go of your past to make room for your present.
Is there a higher purpose to this? “This” can be anything: your life, a meeting, this moment. Is there more to life than you think there is? Could there be another reason for whatever is going on than first comes to mind? Is there really no other possible explanation than the one you have now? Are you, is this, all there really is? Really explore limitations that you’ve placed on different facets of your life experience, whether it’s your relationships, your accomplishments, or even yourself. Reflect on how loving yourself can expand your awareness of the human experience.
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beguines · 1 month
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Similarly, it is more than coincidence that the 1980s and 1990s saw the rise of self-help culture and the turn of psychological and counselling professionals towards "positive psychology" and "positive thinking". Laid thick with the values of neoliberalism, the discourse of "positive mental health" no longer focuses primarily on bringing the "insane" back to some state of normality but rather on the self-improvement of the individual. It is no longer enough to be "sane" or "normal"; one has to be constantly striving to be more positive and happier in life. This is a therapeutic quest which perfectly aligns with the neoliberal philosophy of personal responsibility and the need to constantly improve the self. It is a hegemonic discourse, thinly veiled as a therapeutic and medical expertise on the mind which promotes the values and goals of neoliberal capital. As Ehrenreich has stated of the "positive thinking" revolution in late capitalism, it promotes a model of deficit focused entirely on the individual:
"If optimism is the key to material success, and if you can achieve an optimistic outlook through the discipline of positive thinking, then there is no excuse for failure. The flip side of positivity is thus a harsh insistence on personal responsibility: if your business fails or your job is eliminated, it must [be] because you didn't try hard enough, didn't believe firmly enough in the inevitability of your success. As the economy has brought more layoffs and financial turbulence to the middle class, the promoters of positive thinking have increasingly emphasized this negative judgment: to be disappointed, resentful, or downcast is to be a 'victim' and a 'whiner.'"
In the same way, psychiatric labels have come to focus on deficits and failings in character which threaten the productivity and consumption activities of the individual in many social and economic arenas of life. Thus, the psychiatric discourse seeks to both depoliticise the fundamental inequalities and structural failings of capitalism as individual coping problems while reinforcing the values of competition and self-improvement as common sense and taken for granted. Speaking similarly of psychotherapy, Parker states that the individual's "'adaptation' to capitalism requires psychotherapists not merely to ameliorate the worst excesses of the system, but to ensure that this adaptation is geared to inciting and channelling the critical reflexive energy of citizens so that the very critique that they make of the economy serves to fine-tune it . . . Thus psychotherapy becomes crucial to the state health apparatus as a practice devoted to the balance of dissatisfaction and yearning requisite for consumption and production."
Bruce M.Z. Cohen, Psychiatric Hegemony: A Marxist Theory of Mental Illness
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definitelysel · 4 months
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I had this set up after seeing how Satoru wears frigfing 250,000 yen shirts- wtf?
synopsis : Gojo Satoru. Someone who is filthy rich with a partner that bargains and demands discounts on every thing. (The inner Asian mom is showing itself.)
additonally: a birthday surprise in the end where yuuji accidentally pops a party popper on satoru's face + lovesick satoru.
a/n : happy late birthday to our favourite sweet consuming demon and dimples guy. ♡
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The tension in the room was palpatating.
Satoru watched as you had a stare off with the receptionist at the restaurant he had picked for you two's date.
"Hm...so you are telling me that for a table of two, you guys take ¥ 60,000 per person?" You stared at the guy who assigned seats to the visitors, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.
"Yes ma'am, that's right." The man politely nodded despite your rather hostile attitude.
"But you say that kids under 5 eat for free?" You mused, tone softening a bit.
"Yes, that is correct." The receptionist nodded at you with a kind smile.
Silence.
"So you see Satoru right here is actually just 4 years old-" you started.
"Yes, I am- wait what!?" Satoru did a double take and stared at you with his jaw dropped.
Yeah, that's how his life was. Full of life, comedy and fundamentals of bargaining as you would rightfully call it. The number of incidents of you arguing with anyone and everyone for a discount never failed to entertain him.
For example : –
Satoru watched you in awe as you talk- no, argued with a fruit seller over the ridiculous prices.
"I can't believe this! ¥7500 (50 USD) for a single watermelon? What, is this watermelon made of gold or something?" You baffled at the price. That was seriously ridiculous.
"Miss, these are the best of their kind! They won't disappoint." The vendor defended, trying to list out the pros of the fruit.
"Sweets, you should just get it. ¥7500 is nothi-" Satoru was cut off by your stern look.
"Nothing!? That price is just unreasonable! I will not pay anymore than ¥6000." You huffed, crossing your arms in disapproval.
"Haha- miss if I started seeling things for THAT low, I will end up going bankrupt.. how about ¥7200?" The vendor nervously chuckled, not wanting to make you more angry. He also glanced at Satoru, hoping he would save him.
Satoru simply sighed. Messing with you right now would earn him a one way ticket to heaven.
"¥6800 and not a single more."
"...fine." the vendor grumbled, handing the fruit over to you.
You smiled triumphantly and took the watermelon before merrily walking off. Satoru stared at you with an amused expression while trailing you.
Truth be told, Satoru didn't care about bargaining. If he saw something he wanted, he could buy without sparing a glance on the price tag.
However seeing you bargain your way through life was the most amusing thing to him. He had both his heart and his credit card surrendered to you, yet you were adamant on not spending any more than necessary.
He still remembers the day you came home with a beaming smile on your face.
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"Satoru guess what!" You chimed, seemingly proud at what you had done.
"What is it sweets?" He looked up from whatever he was doing.
"I got so many clothes for such good price. Hehe those discount vouchers are a gift of God, I tell you!" You grinned and he just laughed.
"Seriously? How much did you save this time?" He chuckled, curious as to how much you saved.
"Well, the salesman was about to tell me the exorbitant price but I whipped out the discount vouchers and got 40% off." You smugly smiled, probably impressed with your own self.
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However, when it came to matters such as his birthday...
"Woah, what is this?" Satoru marveled at the sight of the decorations. Everyone was here. Nanami, Shoko, Yaga, the first and second years and you.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" All of you yelled in unison. Yuuji however, was struggling to open up the confetti popper and ended up shaking it so hard that it popped right on Satoru's face.
The man of the hour had confetti, both in his mouth and all over his face. Everyone laughed and some even snagged some pictures.
Satoru stood still for a second before his palm reached up to remove his blindfold which surprise surprise! Also got confetti stuck in it.
"Thanks- Yuuji." He said, blowing confetti out of his mouth, before smiling and chuckling at Yuuji.
Everyone later indulged in talking, eating and hanging out. The atmosphere was uplifting and heart swelling to see all your close ones enjoying themselves.
"So, how much discount did you get yourself on all this preparation?" You heard Satoru ask you. He was smiling brightly, so much so that his blue hues had smile line creases from his bright smile. You could even see his dimples.
Man, God was playing favourites while creating Satoru, that's for sure. Who knew the strongest sorcerer was deep inside just a gentle soul that needed love like everyone else?
"None." You smiled back at him
"Why so?" He asked, awaiting an answer.
"It's your birthday, silly. Price doesn't matter, you do." You booped his nose with you finger. You could see his ears turn red.
Satoru hated you. He hated how you would say such endearing this that would makes a puddle of mess from blushing. Just kidding, he loved you, with all his heart.
"Still..I could've saved so much money." You whined, earning a chuckle from him.
Nevermind. You never changed. He wasn't complaining though.
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gosh- me including so many people are in love with this guy. I wanna hold him in my palms.
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happy birthday satoru. You are so skrunkly
©definitelysel
not proof read. I wrote it on a whim.
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agoodroughandtumble · 21 days
Text
Roronoa Zoro x Reader - I Didn't Need Saving Part 2
Status: Incomplete Summary: Reader is hurt after battling with the marines Warnings: 18+. Language, injury, implied violence (in keeping with the show)
It wasn’t Zoro’s proudest moment, walking away from you. Not when you were injured, not when you were looking at him so desperately. Not when the entire situation was a direct consequence of his actions. You had saved his life, thrown him away from a danger his arrogance hadn’t even registered. And now you were beaten and broken all because of the misguided assumption that somehow his life was more precious than your own.
Fuck he hated you. Hated that you could so casually throw away everything, hated that you were so stupid enough to think that it would be possible for him to carry on without you.
He didn’t know what love was but if it was self-loathing and guilt at your expense he had that in abundance. If it was the way your smile made his heart leap, the overwhelming urge to be close to you, to be good enough for you, to rip open his chest and let you make yourself a home there, well, then he was fucked beyond all reprieve.
Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it was the worst thing. Either way, he wasn’t going to risk being alone with you again. At least he could be certain of that.
Two days later he was stood outside your door. Pacing. Nami had said you had been asking for him. That meant one of two things: Nami was tired of covering his shifts so was passing on the buck, or you actually wanted to see him. Which, after how he left you, was not something he was particularly looking forward to. Unfortunately, you were a request he was fundamentally unable to refuse – even if he had actually wanted to.
Hence his pacing.
The irony was not lost on Zoro. The Demon Pirate Hunter was scared of a girl with a hole in her side. But scared of what he wasn’t quite sure. Scared you would yell at him, or be disappointed, angry, spit venom at him again. But what if you didn’t. What if he allowed himself to consider the possibility that you felt a fraction of what he felt? What if you had saved his life because it was him and not because he was a crew member and you were clearly an idiot with a death wish.
Guilt prickled its way up his spine. He was, at least, going to have to acknowledge you at some point. He knocked on the door frame – the door being open in case of an emergency, but he had deliberately been pacing out of sight.
No answer.
Fine. Good. He could leave now – tell Nami he tried but you weren’t up for seeing anyone.
He made it two steps.
Fuck.
Zoro turned around and walked into the room with the determination that only someone who nearly lost it all could have. He’d come this far.
“Come to kill me then?” There was humour in your voice, albeit laced with sarcasm.
He let out a relieved sigh. Maybe you weren’t that pissed off with him. “Only if you pull a stunt like that again.”
You shuffled under the covers and he couldn’t help but be grateful at the ease with which you seemed to move. “I’m promising nothing.”
“Yes you are.”
His sudden serious tone caught you off guard and you hoisted yourself onto your elbows, and although Zoro would rather you didn’t exert yourself he was glad to see you moving without wincing.
You looked at him expectantly, “What am I promising?”
He slumped onto the chair Nami had placed at your bedside and rested his swords against the wall by the headboard next to you. “You’re promising not to leave me.”
You rolled your eyes. The nonchalance with which he spoke failing to convey his meaning until it was too late. “I didn’t leave y- … oh.”
Once again, Zoro felt the familiar rising of guilt starting at the base of his spine, slowly traversing upwards as he watched a thousand expressions cross your face, felt the weight of a thousand unspoken promises embedded in his shoulders. When he looked down at you it was nigh on impossible to say anything that wasn’t his hopeful heart trying to meet yours. He cast his gaze very firmly on anything, everything that was decidedly not you. Anything but you. “A swordsman is no swordsman if he can’t protect his friends.”
Your face dropped only a fraction of a second sooner than his heart. “Well I’m glad we’re friends.”
Zoro searched for some sarcasm only to be met with something else. It was a rare shade on you – embarrassment - and one he didn’t much care for. He sighed. Somehow he had already managed to make things worse. Not for the first time, he wished he could be someone else for you. Someone better. Someone like Luffy with his endless optimism to put a smile on your face, someone like Usopp to take you on an adventure with his fantastical tales. Hell, even someone like that shitty cook who never had any inhibitions when professing his undying love to whichever woman was the latest to catch his eye. But he was Zoro. And apparently that meant all he was good for was failing you.
Failure was not something he was accustomed to. His whole life was built around striving for perfection – whether that was through swordsmanship or being first mate. Failure seeped into his bones, became an obsession, clawing at him. And here you were, unbeknownst and unapologetic. Seeped into his bones. Carving your way into his soul as if it was the easiest thing in the world, as if you had belonged there all along. But you were friends. Because Zoro had failed. Again.
He really should have brought some sake with him. The look of uncertainty, the way you pulled the covers to try to hide as much as yourself as possible, make yourself smaller would be much easier to swallow washed down with alcohol.
He wanted to reach a hand out, rub a reassuring thumb across your cheek. To tell you he was being an arsehole – to somehow articulate that the feeling of hope of reciprocation your actions had arisen in him could in no way compare to the fear of losing you. He wanted to tell you he wasn’t worthy of such an act – and he was so, so angry that you would rather he lost his soul, his heart, his only chance at true happiness over his life. He could happily, willingly, die a thousand deaths if you lived. But if you died. If you left him devoid of all hope and salvation, he could certainly learn how to hate you then.
“I should go.” It was almost a question but one he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Zoro watched as you shuffled further into the covers – protecting yourself. He should be protecting you. He should be holding you in his arms. He should be doing everything and more. But he wasn’t. He was walking out of the door before you could respond. He was failing.
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