Sure, I’m afraid of what might lead to my death:
car accidents, plane crashes, drowning.
But, I’m more afraid of what won’t kill me:
people dying, people leaving, the silences that seem to never end.
It’s the idea of having to live through something that scares me, not the end itself.
Sometimes I even think I would welcome death with open arms instead of having to deal with the constant pain of living.
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In 2020 I:
Had my cat die in my arms.
Got told my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before my wedding.
Welcomed a beautiful Niece.
Got married in a fifteen person wedding, socially distanced, in a pandemic.
Learned my mother-in-laws cancer had come back at the beginning of the pandemic.
Drove twelve hours through the night to hold her hand as she died one month after that on Thanksgiving.
Ended the year on my couch, drinking champagne with my husband.
In 2021 so far:
My mother goes in for her third reconstructive surgery two months from now. She is breast cancer free but now needs a minor surgery to get rid of pre-skin cancerous cells on her leg.
I finally start my journey with possible Endometriosis.
Will celebrate my niece’s first birthday and my brother’s high school graduation in person, in June.
Got the vaccine.
Tonight I celebrated my mother-in-laws birthday without her here. I wish she was here.
I hope you are all are healthy and safe. Hug your loved ones <3
Someday I will be an artist :)
For some reason, I don’t know how to answer him properly. He thinks so little of me, that I’m weak, and easily manipulated, and by not standing up for myself when he tells me that, I’m proving his point. But he’s my weakness...
Lately I have been mixed feelings about him, I guess I’m just bored, he’s not all that great as my imagination convinced me .. haven’t got butterflies in a while, but I still crave his touch and melt at his smile.
He’s manipulative, he knows that he’s using me, I could never tell how he feels about me truly, sometimes I catch a bit of “sorry” feelings, sometimes he gets touchy and flirty.
I know I deserve better though.
I have been struggling with my nicotine addiction for a year. I really should stop. I don’t want to die soon, or get lungs cancer. I want a magical solution cause I don’t have the willpower, or that’s what my fucked up brain is trying to convince me ... and telling myself that “I can do it’ and other shit that those motivational speakers are convincing us about is definitely not. going. to. work.
As we’re approaching May, I thought I would be halfway through by now, but I haven’t even started. I must quit before June.
Also, I know I’m not an alcoholic (yet), but that’s also something to look out for knowing my extremely addictive personality. I’m too young to be worried about this. Sometimes I think that when I get older, I will regret how I lived my 20′s.. I should be enjoying my life, partying, kissing random boys, making boys obsess with me, or even having a loving caring boyfriend, but instead, I’m a chain-smoker-alcoholic with a broken hear and self confidence issues.
I want to be better. I know I want it so badly, no idea where to start, but someday, hopefully soon, I will be happier.
14 April 2021