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2dmenenthusiast · 4 months

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"I love you."

(Ryan Lucan x Gn!Reader)

Hey heeyyyy um disclaimer this one is DEPRESSING. I wrote this every time I felt a lil sad so like, I am basically pouring my soul out to yall lmaooo but I hope some of you find comfort in this fic if you relate at all, and remember that you are loved :)

Reblogs and feedback is always encouraged and appreciated!

Words: 3k

Summary: feeling lonely and cooped up in your apartment, you call Ryan in the middle of the night to help quiet the racing thoughts in your head.

Warnings: talks of depression, self-hate, anxiety, just a whole lotta sad, Ryan loves you so much

1:30

2:03

2:47

Your head lolled to the side as you checked the time again.

3:15

A groan left you, bringing your hands up and dragging your palms over your face. Exhaustion tugged at your eyelids, urging you to close them and doze off. But every time you tried, you just couldn’t. And you had tried everything. Counting sheep, drinking tea, watching some relaxing videos. Nothing seemed to work. Throwing the blankets off you, your bare feet touched the cold wood floor as you padded over to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. You quickly felt bile rise up in your throat and choked the water down, spluttering out a cough and spitting into the sink. God, you felt like shit.

It had been like this for the past couple days. You’d stay cooped up in your small apartment, never going out unless it was for work, and you’d lay in bed, feeling like absolute shit for just laying around, but feeling too tired to do anything else. Tired, yes, considering the fact that you could barely catch more than three hours of sleep these past couple nights.

Tears of frustration sprung and you quickly wiped at your eyes, mentally scolding yourself for how silly you were being. Christ, some days you just felt like you were suffocating, like everything happening around you was just too much to deal with. And there were moments where you wished you could just sink into the floor, and never be seen or heard from again.

But not tonight.

The loneliness you felt was overwhelming, desperately wanting to reach out and talk to one of your friends, but feeling too ashamed to burden them with your frantic thoughts and shifting emotions. You knew they were worried about you. They would place their reassuring hands on your shoulder and give you that look, that single expression that always asked the same thing.

Are you okay?

And you’d give them that simple halfhearted smile, lips twitching up in a small effort to lie to them.

I’m okay.

With trembling hands, you searched for your phone on your bed and scrolled through your limited contacts, lip pulled between your teeth as you contemplated who to reach out to. You were hyper aware of the sound of your own heartbeat, and you tentatively pressed on Ryan’s name, thumbs hovering over the phone's keyboard. It felt like minutes had passed as you contemplated what to say, frantically typing a sentence before quickly deleting it, and typing up another one. You deleted it again, and again, and again. Nothing sounded right, and you were too worried about sounding desperate or clingy.

You eventually gave up and threw the phone on the bed with a frustrated sigh, crossing your arms over your chest and pacing back and forth.

He’s probably sleeping anyway.

But you couldn’t stop staring at your phone, the thing practically screaming at you to pick it back up. Your thoughts fought with one another, everything threatening to come spilling out all at once. Before you could scream out your frustration, you snatched your phone back up and jammed your thumb on the call button. You heard it ring, once, twice, and hung up before the third.

Fuck, what am I doing?

You pressed the call button again.

Ring.

Ring—

You hung up.

“This is stupid. God, this is so fucking stupid!”

Taking a deep breath, you called him again, frantically tapping your foot and bringing the phone up to your ear.

Please pick up. Or don’t pick up. Either is fine. Fuck, do I want him to pick up? This is stupid, this is fucking stupid, I’m fucking stupid—

“Uh, hey?”

Your eyes widened at the sound of Ryan’s groggy voice, not believing that he actually answered, and you struggled to find your voice.

“You there—?”

“Hey! Um— sorry, I just… Did I wake you?”

There was a moment of silence on his end, and you knew that you had.

“No! No, I was just uh, reading. You know, nature stuff.”

You couldn’t help but grin at the thought of Ryan staying up this late just to read about plants and animals, as if he didn’t already know everything about them.

“Wow, sounds riveting.”

He chuckled, and the sound had your chest feeling warm. Neither of you said anything for a moment, not sure how to continue a conversation at almost three-thirty in the morning. You almost hung up, too embarrassed to admit why you called when you heard him clear his throat.

“Uh, is there a reason you called so late? Is everything okay?”

You spluttered for a moment, hand rubbing the back of your neck as heat uncomfortably crawled over your skin. “Y-Yeah! Yeah, everything’s fine. Just uh… you know.” You cringed at your awkward behavior, pressing the edge of the phone against your forehead. “Sorry, I— this was dumb, I shouldn’t have called. I’ll let you get back to sleep.”

“Wait, wait. Hold on.”

You sighed, sitting on the edge of your bed and playing with a loose thread on your blanket as you waited for him to continue. Great, now he was definitely going to know that something’s wrong.

“Hey, you know you can talk to me, right? Whatever’s bugging you, you can tell me.”

You and Ryan had been dating for the past five months, and while you undeniably felt more comfortable around him than you ever had another person, you had never let him see this side of you. This version of you where your brain was constantly on overdrive, overthinking every little thing, your breath always catching in your throat from the overwhelming anxiety that built up in the pit of your stomach. You felt like you were standing on the outside, looking down at yourself. And you loathed it. And while you wanted to confide in him, you felt like you couldn’t. Ryan was a constant positive in your life, and you didn’t want to muddy it up by letting your gloomy thoughts and feelings interfere.

But god, you were so tired. While you could usually power through it, the weight of the loneliness and frustration you felt was almost crushing, and your hand curled into a fist at your side as your jaw clenched painfully, the tears from earlier resurfacing.

“Um, c-can I see you? It’s okay if you don’t want to, I know it’s really late and you probably just wanna sleep. But I just- I didn’t know who else to call, a-and I know I’m probably just being stupid and—”

“Hey, you’re not stupid, okay? I’ll be over in a little bit.”

Your eyes slightly widened. “Really? Like I said, you really don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. I want to see you.”

You bit down on your bottom lip, softly sniffling as you quickly wiped at your eyes, and you hoped that Ryan didn’t catch onto the fact that you were crying. “Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in ten, alright?”

You hummed into the phone before hanging up, shoulders slumping as you placed your hand against your forehead.

It’s fine. Everythings fine.

Rifling through your drawers, you took out a pair of comfortable sweatpants and a loose fitted shirt, throwing Ryan’s flannel that he left at your place over it, and catching a small whiff of his scent. The familiar smell of the outdoors and amber was almost comforting, and you found yourself pressing your cheek into your shoulder to get a better smell.

Ten minutes couldn’t have gone by fast enough, and you were racing down the steps of your apartment as soon as you saw the headlights of Ryan’s truck in front of your building, not wanting to spend another second without his presence. He was in the process of unbuckling his seatbelt when you threw open the door and hopped inside, slightly surprised at how frantic you were.

“Oh, I was gonna come up. I thought—”

“No. No, I just— I need to get out of there,” you muttered, slowly looking over at him and witnessing as he carefully examined you, a mix of confusion and concern in his gaze. “Can we just drive around for a little bit?”

He paused before nodding, putting his seatbelt back on and pulling out of the parking lot. The silence that settled between you wasn’t as awkward as you felt it would’ve been, but it still left you unsettled, your fingers fidgeting as you wracked your brain for something to say. As you opened your mouth to finally speak, your thoughts were cut off when Ryan reached over and lightly tugged at the sleeve of his flannel, sending you a small smile.

“You know, I was wondering where this went.” His hand slid down your arm, intertwining his fingers with yours and giving your hand a gentle squeeze.

You flustered at his touch, head leaning back as your body slumped down in the seat. “Hey, I didn’t steal it this time. You left it. As well as one of your shirts, and your toothbrush. I think I have some of your underwear in my laundry basket.”

“Oh, come on. Like there isn’t an entire drawer I cleaned out specifically for your things back at my place.”

“Wow, a whole drawer? You really know how to spoil someone, Lucan.”

He just glared at you while you sent a large grin his way. His hand moved to your thigh, pitching the area under your knee that had you squealing and shifting away from him, frantically slapping his arm.

“Hey— Ow! You’re gonna make me crash,” he laughed, no longer pinching your flesh, but his hand remained, thumb stroking back and forth over your thigh.

You hummed, leaning towards Ryan and resting against the center console, eyes trained on his face. There was always something about him that made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. His voice, his touch. Hell, Steph told you once that you looked like some lovesick fool when she caught you mindlessly staring at him. How couldn’t you, though?

Ryan cast a quick glance at you, lightly squeezing your thigh. “Whatchya lookin’ at, hm?”

You smiled. ”You.”

“Oh, yeah? Is my face that interesting?”

“Mhm. You’re pretty.”

His eyes widened a fraction as his face visibly flushed, and you couldn't help but laugh as he awkwardly cleared his throat, hand squeezing the wheel.

“I, uh… Glad you think so.”

“Oh, I know so.”

He scoffed and shook his head, your hand fondly resting over his. It was moments like this that you were grateful for. Where you could forget your burdens, even if for only a second. Ryan’s presence was always a fast-acting cure for when you felt like this. Numb and rotten. Like you wanted to crawl out of your own skin because every sensation feels so fucking wrong and uncomfortable. But it was tolerable with him at your side.

The silence in the truck was almost deafening, the ringing in your ears getting increasingly louder as the seconds went by. You were anxious to turn on the radio, flicking the knob and—

Oh, you’re shitting me.

“For the love of god, please tell me I’m not actually hearing this right now,” you said, voice on the verge of laughter as your hand dragged over your eyes.

You could hear Ryan sigh over the melodic chirping coming from the radio, and he reached over to shut it off. “You remember what I do for a living, right?”

“Oh, I can guarantee with almost a hundred percent certainty that you were not listening to that for your job,” you laughed, throwing your head back against the seat.

“And so what if I wasn’t, huh?”

Your laughter died down into quiet giggles, and you leaned over the center console to press a quick kiss to Ryan’s scruffy cheek. “Well, I think it’s cute. Even if it is a bit dorky.”

He swiftly grabbed your hand when you pulled away, tangling your fingers and bringing the back of your hand to his lips. The action sent a tingling down from your fingertips, through your arm, and right into your chest. It was almost overwhelming how he made you feel sometimes. He touched you so gently, looked at you like you were the only person in the world. And you loved him with every breath you were worth.

Closing your eyes, you leaned your head back and listened to Ryan fiddle with the radio until he tuned in to a local station, a gentle melody you think you might’ve heard twice before overtaking the silence in the truck. You could hear him humming along after a moment, the deepness of his voice reverberating in your ears and sending pleasant waves washing over you. You didn’t need him to say anything or try to reassure you with positive words or gestures. He didn’t have to spend his time expressing his love for you in any physical or emotional ways, despite his overbearing want to. No, his presence next to you was comfort enough. To just know that he was within arms reach, his touch and his comfort readily available, that was more than enough.

Your eyes cracked open, and the headlights illuminated a lone road you’ve been on many times before.The overwhelming want to go somewhere different was ever present in your mind. Familiarity was always something you could cherish. The same street signs, the same buildings, the same people waving at you as you walked the same path to work. And you couldn’t deny that Haven has always and will always be your home. But, you desired change. Craved it in the most desperate way.

You longed for different sights, the unfamiliarity of a brand new space. You wanted to learn the names of new streets, be able to barely make out the faces of people you’ve just met. Go to a recently opened cafe and try to pick out what your regular favorite would be. The mundanity of it all seemed unreachable almost. Like a life somewhere else would be forever unattainable and would remain as remnants of a dream in your clouded mind.

You felt trapped. Your tiny apartment was your safe space and your prison, this town you loved so dearly something you could never escape from. You were stagnant— stuck. With life moving at a snail's pace, and going by all too quickly at the same time. Yet, you remained. This place remained. This same, complacent existence.

“Have you ever thought of leaving Haven, Ryan?” Your voice sounded almost unfamiliar to you, so used to just sitting in idle silence.

He huffed out a breath, glancing at you and shrugging. “Can’t say I’ve put much thought into it. Why? In the mood for a little road trip?”

You know he meant it as a joke, maybe he thought you were joking. But, he had no clue the weight of reality his words held. Because yes, you would leave Haven right now if he wanted to. You’d tell him to stop the truck only when it ran out of gas so you both could get far away. But you knew Ryan would never agree to that.

This was his home.

The place he grew up, where all his fondest and saddest memories were shared.

He would never leave them behind.

“Hey.” He squeezed your hand. “Where do you keep going, hm? What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”

“A lot, I guess. Feels like someone else is in there screaming at me right now.”

A pregnant pause, and then—

“Anything I can do to quiet it?”

Your bottom lip sucked between your teeth, biting down hard until the skin tingled as your eyes burned with tears. Fingers curling around Ryan’s hand, your nails lightly dug into his skin in some lame attempt to ground yourself, to keep yourself from vomiting your guts out in his truck. A silent tear rolled down your cheek, and you felt the car shift whilst he pulled over.

“Hey, hey.”

There were hands on your face, gently tugging to get you to look at the man beside you. He was gentle, far more than you deserved as his thumbs wiped away the wetness on your skin, and you wanted nothing more than to hide away. You pulled out of his grip and leaned forward, burying your head into his neck and sliding your arms around his waist under his flannel coat. His warmth seeped into your clothes and settled deep in your bones, your tears wetting his shirt and his hands rubbing up and down your back.

You could spend hours like this, crying your soul out in the front of his truck as he held you. It was painfully blissful, like the hurt didn’t matter because he was here to ease it.

“Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make it better.”

You shook your head, arms tightening around him as your heart lodged itself in your throat. He was so fucking nice. So caring and considerate. It made you want to scream, because when was the last time someone made you feel like this? Made you feel so overwhelmingly valued and loved? He had given himself so selflessly to you, and you were ready to throw yourself at his feet in return.

“Just this. This is enough.” you muttered, and he pressed his lips into your hair.

“I love you, you know?”

You did know. How could you not with the countless ways he constantly showed it?

“You deserve to be loved.”

A quiet whimper escaped your throat, and you only burrowed further into him, arms tightening around his middle.

“You sound so sure of that,” you said, voice weak and shaky. Fuck, you felt so pathetic.

He muttered your name, gently pushing you back so he could hold your face and brush his thumbs over your tear stained cheeks. You leaned into his warmth, and a part of you wondered if this was real. If he was real. You were almost sure if you pinched yourself, you would wake up in your cold bed, and reality would be so much worse than your blissful dreams where Ryan Lucan was the center of them all.

If it was a dream, you never wanted to wake up.

“I’ve never met someone who gives so much of themselves without needing anything in return. You are the most caring, selfless, amazing person I’ve ever met. And I care so much about you.”

The praise and reassuring words were so unfamiliar, you almost didn’t believe it. But this was Ryan, and he would never lie to you. So, maybe he was just a bit delusional.

“I don’t know if any of that is true,” you said around a wet chuckle, trying to get your tears under control.

Ryan shook his head. “It’s facts. Don’t ever doubt how much you mean to me.”

You took a breath, pulling your face out of his hands so you could wipe at your eyes. Somehow, he always knew what to say to make you feel better, even if it only lasted for a moment. The comfort was welcome. Needed. Craved. And Ryan’s love for you, something he swore to you more times than you can remember, was enough to mend how broken you felt. Most days, you felt like you were being cut in half, and he was here to help put you back together. Like he was your other half to make you feel whole again.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” you said, a sad smile playing on your lips.

“Ryan shook his head. “Pretty sure you have that backwards.”

You chuckled, and the warmth of his hand enveloped your own.

“I love you.”

Your thoughts are quiet, and you look up at him with misty eyes.

“I love you, too.”

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