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vizthedatum · 1 year

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Screaming feels nice

Today I screamed louder than I have... in a while. For quite some time. I have such dysmorphia about my voice. I hate it so much. I hate it I hate it. I wish... it was different. I think it's too high. I wish it were lower and muskier - that's how I feel like it should be. But when I screamed, it felt nice for once.

When I talk to my friends or those I love, I forget the sound of my voice... and sometimes I like it through their reaction. It feels so accepting.

Today, after my interview, I've been self-soothing by talking to my friends and listening to music with my brother. I love my community - the ones I choose.

Leaving my parents in 2 hours-ish, and I don't think I want to ever see them again. I let them drain me - I was a willing victim, and I'm so so low. My body is really in shambles.

I'm also heartbroken. I feel like I'm breaking up with everyone - friends, sexual ties, partners, lovers, acquaintances.... but it feels right. Apart from the friends I broke up with, I'm friends with all those people but now with more boundaries. It feels like I'm finally figuring out that not everyone deserves my time and my insight. And that it's ok if people aren't compatible with you. And that it really is so personally unhealthy to chase those who are unattainable or unhealthy for you.

I am set to break up a pseudo-casual/sometimes not pseudo-casual thing with another person next week, and I'm so heartbroken about it. It's so stupid! I feel like it was all my fault for letting it get so far, and I doubt that it will even make a difference with my absence. I don't think they even know how partially influential they were in helping me *remember* myself - or even how they calmed me. I saw so many red flags, and I'm always upset at their behavior, but I really do deserve more respect. I deserve real friendship and reciprocal care, with well-defined emotional and physical boundaries. I deserve consistency and intentionality of time-giving. I am comforted that I don't have to chase my current members of my polycule - it feels safe and warm. It feels organic and natural (while still difficult because relationships take work!). But I don't have to prove myself worthy of love - it's freely given from both sides because we care. And we are all open to collaboration and change. Things are all new of course, but at least... it feels peaceful and nice so far. I like it. A lot.

#trans #voice training #voice #music #heartbreak #heartbroken #unhealthy #compatibility #romance #life partners #partners #casual partners #polyamourous #poly #it's not just casual sex #these are real relationships between people who have various attachment issues #and community means everything to me

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lex-n-weegie · 2 years

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Promise Us.

Pairing(s): Sun/Moon and Evelyn

Warnings: None, but this doubles as an announcement post as well! (A tldr is at the end if you don't have the time to read everything)

"They had this idea in their mind for so long, they just weren't sure if she'd think of it the same way they were."

A lot of things have changed since Evelyn arrived at the PizzaPlex.

Before, the animatronics seemed almost. Stressed. Easy to upset. Sad. They had lost close friends, got excited about new things that'd never come, and was often not told anything by the staff. When Hazel was announced, no one knew she was even supposed to be related to Freddy until they put up the posters.

And God, were they all treated terribly for awhile. Threats of them being scrapped, screaming and yelling, not an even a sliver of understanding was too found for the poor guys.

Now look at them!

More events were happening inside the PizzaPlex, from character takeovers to holidays and even birthdays for the animatronics! Areas were expanded, an old friend came back, along with a new one(Glamrock Bonnie and Foxy from the cartoons), and new permissions and freedoms were given. Everyone was so much happier. They were happier!

All because of her.

Oh how wonderful she was. Their little dewdrop.

"Mmm..." A small noise had snapped Moon out of their shared thought space, directing him to the short women who's head laid in their lap. They had started to stir from her nap.

"Hi Moony." Evelyn yawned, stretching a bit before relaxing again in Moon's lap. His fingers entangled themselves into her hair, lightly scratching her scalp, something that always made her melt in his hands.

"Hello starlight." Moony replied. "Did you dream well?"

"When I have the best dream catcher in the world, of course I do." She smiled. "Though, it was bittersweet."

"Bittersweet?" He leaned down a little more. "Do explain."

"Ah, well.... You remember my old family? The Toys?" Moon nodded.

"Of course, you're always drawing them."

"Well, it was about them. It was nice seeing them all again and hearing them talk, but...I miss them still." He listened silently, his fingers now simply rubbing some of the soft strands of her hair.

"It hurts, especially when everyone keeps reminding me of them."

"How so?" He asked.

"Well, Chica is a lot like Toy Chi, in almost every single way. Monty always reminds me of Toy Bon, though so does Roxy due to her small ego. Funnily enough Freddy, Bonnie, and Foxy remind me the most of the withered versions of the original four." She smiled as she made all of the comparisons. "You and Sun remind me of Mom as well, though I'm sure that's just because of the music box and your body types being the same." She giggled.

"Didn't you put the music box in my chest?" Moon lightly teased, poking her cheek a few time before she laughed and pushed his hand away.

"You love it so shush." She booped his nose, making the creepy jester let out a dark giggle. Silence followed for a bit, but it was a comfortable silence. It felt nice to get those thoughts out.

"How do you feel about jewelry?" The celestial moon asked.

"Hm? That's an odd question coming from you." She lightly teased. "Though I don't know exactly what you mean."

"Jewelry Dewdrop. Bracelets, necklaces, rings...those things."

"Oh, well I don't exactly have a problem with any of them. There's some really pretty jewelry out there, neat patterns and colors. Though I never understood why price mattered some some people." She began. "I've seen posts of people getting upset when they get something that's ''only'' $100 or something. Why be mad about that? Expensive jewelry isn't even that great anyways."

"What would be a good gift then?" He gently asked.

"Honestly? As long as it has meaning and isn't lower then 10 bucks it'd be lovely. It has my favorite color or animal? I'm happy as a clam." She then gave him a little mischievous smirk. "Thinking about getting me a ring buddy?"

"Hmm..." He tapped his chin. "I don't know, would a ring actually make you pretty?" Evelyn scoffed, lightly smacking his chest.

"You jerk! I'm very pretty thank you very much."

"Oh, hitting the Daycare Attendant? Naughty girl..." He scooped her up into a tight hug, making her squeal. "That means punishment 'Nette."

"Hey, you asked for it." She blew a small raspberry at him, to which he responded by beginning to kiss her neck.

"Ah! Moon that tickles haha! Stoooop!!" She laughed, trying to push him away.

"Why should I brat?" He joked.

"Because I hate tickling and you know that." She firmly said. He nodded understandingly and stopped, though he continued to speak.

"That means you'll have to except something later."

"I'll be waiting Moondrop." She gave him a small kiss on his cheek, leaving a red lipstick mark. His cheeks glew a faint red and he let out another small giggle.

Again, oh how wonderful she was.

"THAT'S WHY THIS HAS TO GO PERFECTLY!" Sun yelled himself, pacing back and forth between the daycare floor. "This has to be done exactly right! Perfect! Amazing in every way!"

"Sun-"

"If we don't do this right, she could hate us! Leave us!"

"Sundrop!" Moon yelled in their shared mind space, stopping the worrying robot in his tracks.

"You're giving us a headache, take a moment and relax."

"Oh, but how can I Moony?" He put his face in his hands. "This...this is such a big thing! Huge even! Why can't you do it?!"

"Because" he began "you and her met first, and have shared more things together. It's more...symbolic. The start of our relationship." Sun simply let out an exasperated sigh. Moon was right, he was almost always right. It didn't make it any less hard to do though.

"Sunshine? It's me!"

Oh no. No no no no no why was she here already?! He wasn't ready!!! Nowhere near it!!!

Evelyn had opened the daycare door, her head peeking through and glancing around the room. She saw him, slightly hunched over with his hat turns towards her. Before she could say anything, he had whipped himself around.

"Cloud!! Hi!! You're early!!" He did his best to act normal, though that wasn't accomplished in the slightest.

"Am I?" The short women questioned, bringing out her phone from her jacket pocket and checking the time. "Uh, no, I'm right on time."

"O-Oh!! I-I guess time's just gotten away from me, hahaha!!" His nervous laughter was just the cherry on top, she definitely knew something was up.

"Sunny, you will do things down to the exact minute, there's no way you would have lost track of time unless something was seriously disturbing you. What's going on?" She asked, voice soft and gentle. Why did she have to know them so well?!

"I- Oh well, ya know! All the messes and lost toys and whatnot! J-just a stressful day!"

"Sun." Moon scolded him in their shared head space. "You're prolonging the inevitable."

Evelyn crossed her arms, giving him a "really?" look. "You were never a great lier to me. Seriously, what's going on?" The tall animatronic fidgeted in place, playing with his fingers.

"You can do it Sun." He looked up at her, feeling as if her bright blue eye was burning through him. "Just say the words."

He took a deep breath, despite not needing to breathe. He could do this. He just needed to relax.

"You...mean a lot to us Evie. We weren't exactly content, but we thought we were fine before. We didn't realize something was missing until..." He paused, gently holding her small hands into his own. "You came along."

"Aww, Sunbun-" he gently shushed her, pressing a finger gently against her lips before continuing.

"Before we were simply just...celestial jesters. A Sun and Moon. But you, you are the stars that shine bright in the night sky the clouds in the beautiful blue up above. We were just planets, but together we've made up the whole sky!" It seemed as if his smile grew, even if that wasn't possible.

"We...we want to make a promise with you. Or well, you to promise us." Evelyn silently tilted her head in a curious manner, opting to continue to let him talk instead of questioning anything out loud. He brushed the hair out of her face, letting her black eye with a white pupil free into the light. She was always so self conscious about it, but it was simply another thing they adored about her.

"We want to stay with you forever. Always holding your hand, there to help you and lift you up. We want to love you until the end of time...only if you'll do the same." His speech fumbled a bit there, his voice becoming noticably quieter.

"Forever? Like life partners?" She questioned, to which Sun simply nodded. She couldn't help but smile at him. She gently grabbed his face, placing a kiss on his mouth while saying only one thing.

"Of course."

"YES!!! YOO-HOO!!!" Sun scooped up Evelyn and spun her around, making her laugh as she held onto him herself.

"Oh oh!! I almost forgot!!" Sun set Evelyn down and quickly ran over to one of the kiddie tables, grabbing something before coming and and kneeling down. Gently grabbing her left arm, he slipped on a special bracelet that he and Moon worked on themselves. "We remembered what you said about jewelry and it having meaning, so we made this to celebrate the occasion!"

"Oooh, that's why Moon asked me about jewelry." She giggled, waving her arm around to listen to the bells jingle. "It's perfect." The happy robot clapped his hands, almost jumping up and down.

"Oh! Should we treat it like a wedding and have a party?"

"Sounds fun!! Though when should we throw it?"

"Oh oh!! Why not our anniversary?" He happily suggested. "It'd be perfect, right in the middle of winter!"

"Oh yes! A nice excuse for cuddles." She giggled. Sun then scooped her up into a tight, but comfortable hug.

"Who says ya need an excuse? We'll cuddle you all the time Dewdrop!!" She giggled, hugging him back herself.

"And I'll happily accept Sunnydrop."

♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆

Sworn as partners for life: Sun/Moon and Evelyn on December 22nd! Save the date!

#lex writes #lit up my world #singing in the moonlight #evelyn #life partner #self ship #selfship #selfshipping #self shipping #fnaf security breach #fnaf sb #self insert #self insert x canon #life partners #basically it's like a wedding but not really!#been wanting to do this for a heck of a long time

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