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the-insomniac-emporium · 3 years

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Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 12 FINALE

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language Warnings: Nope! Notes: How lovely it has been, to go on this journey with you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to every person who has liked, reblogged, or left a kind comment on this story. Combined, you all have genuinely changed my life. I'm writing more than ever, more consistently, and I'm having a blast. So if you like this story, and wish it wasn't ending, well... maybe don't worry too much. There will be a sequel of sorts, same timeline but new reader, instead focusing on Cassandra. Also oops this is hella long. And mostly dialogue. Past Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Toccata, Pt. 5: Poco a Poco, Pt. 6: Elegy, Pt. 7: Harmony, Pt. 8: Obbligato, Pt. 9: Berceuse, Pt. 10b: Hymn AMAB, Pt 11: Cadence

Chapter 12: Cadence (Reprise)

(Cadence: Two chords that mark the end of a song)

Truth be told, she had never expected much of anything to come from this. ‘Twas not that she thought her daughter to be talentless, or that she denied the capabilities of the servant-turned-teacher, rather that she knew just how difficult it was to keep Daniela’s attention for any measure of time. Even as the weeks went by with undeniable progress, there was a part of her awaiting the collapse of it all. How long would this instructor last? How long before they were drained of blood, either for some perceived insult, or merely out of boredom? Surely, in the end, Alcina would not need to lift a single finger.

And yet here she was, at the end of a concert, pride roaring within her chest. What had she missed? What clues had eluded her, what had changed within her child’s nature? She knew that there were hints of deeper affections, fragments of a would-be love, but she had thought them miniscule. Thought that those feelings were doomed to crash and burn, unable to live up to the expectations set by decades of romance novels. Well, maybe they had failed. Maybe, somehow, Alcina had missed something else entirely.

The thought might have sent a shiver down her spine, if she weren’t so readily distracted by praising her youngest child… or by the looming shadow of a life-changing revelation.

“Mother… we need to talk. I… I have a confession to make,” Daniela explains, hesitantly slow, but with a conviction she rarely ever showed. Taken aback by the unexpected announcement, Alcina pauses, silently awaiting some form of elaboration. Instead, Daniela takes her hand, pulling her towards a set of chairs. They sit gingerly, each feeling the weight of terrifying possibilities upon their shoulders. When she at last continues speaking, she does so without a trace of showmanship or false bravado, trading it in for heartfelt sincerity. “I love them. All of this- these lessons, this concert- has been for them. For my sweet, innocent little songbird.” So here it was, the birthplace of her fears, brought forth from her mind into reality.

“I was afraid you would say that,” Alcina muses, leaning back into the chair with a deep sigh. Something itches in the back of her throat, and she yearns for her pipe, or even just a normal cigarette to distract herself. Without one, she is left to metaphorically chew on her thoughts. Realistically, there has to be some way to deal with this, some way that she can convince her daughter of the sheer foolishness of this mess. “Daniela… how can I put this in a way you will understand, hmm?… The two of you have only known each other for three months. There is no chance that you truly love them, or them you. How close can you possibly have become?”

“When have I cared about anything for three whole months? I dedicated myself to-” Daniela is cut off by the sound of the door opening, revealing the rest of her little family. It was guaranteed that they would have heard the conversation from outside, seeing as they were all inhuman, though they perhaps intended to intervene. A single hard glance from both of the room’s occupants convinces them to change their minds. “Wait, Ava, can you get us some tea, please? Something tells me I’ll need a soothing drink soon.” Hesitating in the doorway, the butler in question eyes the both of them, naturally tempted to stay and fill the role of a therapist.

“I do believe my daughter gave you an order, Ava. Don’t tell me you have forgotten the stipulations of your agreement with Mother Miranda?” Alcina interjects. With that said, the butler finally moves, exiting with an apologetic bow. An awkward silence hangs in the air once xe closes the door behind xerself, as Daniela takes a moment to recall her place.

“Three months is a long time for me. I put all of my energy towards both them and what they taught me, almost every single day. Even when their work kept them busy for too long, I still practiced, because I wanted to make them proud! For all my flirting, I’ve never bonded with anyone this way before now,” she says, hating the way her voice gets a little shaky. No matter how much confidence she has in her own writing, it is another thing entirely to be convincing out loud, with a truth she had been hiding for so long. All of her practice had been with lies. Now she had to contest with the hope that the strength of her emotions would be enough. “That song we played together, at the end, they wrote that for me. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“Oh, my dear… I want you to be happy more than anything. But we both know that your ‘history’ is stained with a number of incidents. You have always been absorbed within those books you read, and the fantasies that they provide for you. It is one thing to enjoy these stories on the side, but another matter entirely to let them corrupt your relations with others. As your mother, it is my duty to keep you safe, first and foremost,” Alcina proclaims, sitting up straighter, trying not to let her frown evolve into a full out scowl. Beneath the table, her hands ball into fists, clutched tight to stop herself from breaking the table. In the back of her mind she could think of little other than dismembering that damned piano instructor. Focusing on the discussion at hand, she takes a deep breath before finalizing her point. “You don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, nor what it feels like. Your books are not ideal models for reference. One- or both- of you are going to end up suffering, and that is something I cannot allow, regardless of how ‘happy’ they make you before then.”

“You’re right,” Daniela whispers in defeat… or a feigned version of it. A split second later she’s making eye contact with her mother again, lips curling up into a smile. “I didn’t want to admit it, especially not to someone as attractive, talented, and charming as my Songbird, but I didn’t have to. They understood from the very start. We talked about it, about my expectations and my shitty behavior, and we worked on it. We’re still working on it. Maybe there will be bumps along the way, just like in every relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it in the end. What we have is still real, and they make me want to be a better woman. I know they’ve already helped me make the change.”

Once more the door opens, making the conversation pause, as Ava near-silently brings in the requested tea. If a pin had dropped at that moment, it would have felt as ear-shattering loud as a gong. Every second that passed felt like it dragged on, stretched out by the tension in the room, as though xe was moving in slow motion. The ‘clink’ of ceramic against the table makes xer flinch, almost spilling the tea. Neither Alcina nor Daniela react, or even acknowledge xer presence with anything more than their eyes, instead remaining impassive until xe makes a hasty retreat.

“Use what you’ve learned on someone else, then. Perhaps another one of Miranda’s experiments will someday provide a suitable match. But this ‘songbird’ of yours? They’re nothing. A human, a servant, they are not worth your time, nor are they worth mine. No matter what words or songs they weave, or illusions of grandeur they show you, you will end up getting bored of them. I’m afraid it is inevitable, my dear,” Alcina says, as soon as the door is closed once more. Then she attends to her tea, with the composure of someone convinced that they had just won an argument. On the other hand, Daniela was not so quick to give in, some of her worry melting into anger.

“How can you say that? How can you be sure? We were all human, once! Even Mother Miranda was human. And my Songbird is no mere human- they are wondrous, with flowery prose and lovely melodies, with soft-lipped smiles and reassuring eyes, and don’t even get me started on how beautiful they are!” She rambles, voice getting louder with every word. All at once it is too much for Alcina, who sets down her glass a little too hard, nostrils flaring as she stares at her daughter. When Daniela speaks again, she does so with love coating her tone. “We have weathered each other’s anxieties with no signs of stopping. I promised that we would weather yours.”

“I only want you to be happy. I need you to understand where I am coming from. This may be your longest lasting infatuation so far, but you have yet to honestly convince me that this is any different from your past ‘distractions’. I’m sorry, Daniela, I simply cannot allow this to continue,” Alcina sighs, hating to break her youngest daughter’s heart like this. There was only one thing that Daniela had yet to try. Maybe two, if she was willing to resort to begging.

“Can’t you trust me enough to give us a chance? Cassandra of all people seems to understand. Bela went as far as to lie to you, for our sake! She never does anything she thinks will hurt me, or you, or any of us. Please, mother, please. How can you ever know if what I have will last, if you cut it down now? Are you going to wait forever for some ‘perfect candidate’ for me? And what if that person loves someone else? Or what if the ‘perfect’ person doesn’t exist! What if we’re stuck waiting for them like Mother Miranda waits for another child, hmm? Would you have me spend another century alone, my only memory of genuine romance being poisoned by the thought that you broke us apart?” Daniela’s words ring throughout the chamber, echoing a damning accusation, somehow more bitter than the taste they left in her mouth.

All at once, Alcina’s heart takes a hit like no other. Her hands damn-near tremble, her lungs ache, her lips purse, and her brow furrows. So be it, she thinks.

“Bring this ‘Songbird’ here. Let me talk to them.”

—————————

Goddess, you are practically vibrating at the speed of sound, palms sweaty, nervousness trashing your mind. What the hell had Daniela done? Last thing you knew, she was determined to keep your secret, even if meant being unable to celebrate with you. But now you were getting tugged along by her, while tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She had said something about “mother” and “important”. That was all the context that you had been given. When you round one last corner, pulling up in front of Lady Dimitrescu’s study, you are shown a sight that somehow makes you feel worse: Bela, Cassandra, and Ava are all resting outside of the room. They appear exhausted, and motion for you to be quiet as you approach.

“They’ve been listening in on our conversation,” Daniela admits with a whisper. Then she’s pulling you into the study, ensuring that the door doesn’t open wide enough for the eavesdroppers to get spotted. Something told you that Alcina was already well aware of their presence. “Alright, mother, here is my Songbird. What did you want to ask us?”

“Daniela… leave us. My questions are for ‘Songbird’ alone,” Alcina replies, seemingly confirming the absolute worst of your fears. This was where you would die. By her hand, without your lover by your side, after what could have been the happiest night of your life. Of course. But Daniela is not willing to go without a fight. As soon as the words leave her mother’s mouth, she is moving between the two of you, just as she had when she first called you her teacher. Before she can speak, her mother stands up and stares her down. “Don’t make me ask again- there will not be a third time.” When she still hesitates, it is your turn to be brave.

“Hey, it’s okay, we’ll be okay,” you promise her, reaching out to take her hand. Instantly she’s returning to your side, hand cupping your cheek, eyes filled to the brim with sadness. “Firefly… ‘Tell me love, we shall last until the end of days’. I love you. Nothing is going to change that, not now, not ever. We’ll be okay.” Maybe not now, you think, but you’ll be okay eventually. Cassandra and Bela, and Ava I suppose, will make sure of it.

“Okay. We’ll last until the end of days. I love you too,” Daniela says, swallowing the lump in her throat. With one last kiss she pulls away, wishing that her departure didn’t feel so much like a betrayal. She pauses in the doorway, meeting your gaze, unable to bring herself to move until you give her an accepting nod. The door swings into place with a click, sealing the room and your fate.

“So,” Alcina begins, returning to her seat as she does. For now you stay standing, unsure of just about every part of this situation, especially your upcoming role in it. “You have been deceiving me. That alone is a crime worthy of severe punishment, and yet you stooped so low as to do far, far more. I had hoped you had, somehow, managed to teach my daughter a real lesson, that you had inspired a love of music in her, that you had made an honest difference in the way she learns. But all this time… it has been nothing more than a ruse.” The last word comes out dipped in venom, acidic enough to make you flinch. Thankfully, your beloved was not the only person who had a gift with words. More than that, this was a topic that you had spent numerous nights thinking about, making you as prepared as you could ever hope to be.

“You know, as much as I desire to claim that I am that interesting, or that Daniela felt so strongly from the very start, I can do no such thing. The truth is this: Music is what brought us together in the first place. It was the catalyst for our first real interaction, the first time she ever looked at me as more than just another servant or bloodbag. We bonded because of it, and so when we went to play together, to learn, Daniela honestly did connect to it,” you explain, despite the fire in Alcina’s expression. To your surprise, she does not interrupt you, and you take it as permission to keep going. Which was very good, considering that being nervous only made you ramble more. “Music is something we’ve shared for the entirety of our relationship. Even if it’s not something she would do much of on her own, I know that she’s grown to care for it more than she might be willing to admit. And, well…

“Even if you decide that what I’ve done is unforgivable, even if I’m destined to die within the hour, I know in my heart that everything the two of us worked on still matters. Because, like it or not, she is capable of growth, of change, of progress. And even if I die, someone else will come afterwards. Daniela will get to use music as a way to forge connections for the rest of her life, now that she knows it works, now that she knows how it works. And every goddamn time that she plays, or Bela plays, or you play, she’s going to remember me. She’ll remember every moment we spent together, every piece we ever played. I’ll live on in the melodies we made. In the song that you can’t quite place, that gets stuck on loop in your head. In the song the maids sing to themselves between shifts. In the quiet evening when the rain against the window feels so much like a familiar rhythm that your daughters can’t help but start humming along, without even thinking, muscle memories in sync.”

“Are you trying to convince me that there’s no point in killing you? That, regardless, you will be in my life until the end of time?” Alcina’s eyes are narrowed, but there isn’t even a hint of anger in her tone. Just curiosity.

“No, not really. Guess I’m just making peace with my fate the best way I know how- by remembering the echoes I’ll leave behind,” you answer, pausing to wipe a few tears from your eyes. All you can think about is how much Daniela will miss you. How much pain you think she’ll go through. Because at this point, who are you trying to fool with your hope? Yourself, or the people listening?

“Hmm. I think I understand. Now, tell me… what was that you said to my daughter a minute ago, before she left the room? It sounded familiar, though I cannot place it,” Alcina questions, idly toying with her glass of tea. You’re not entirely sure why it matters to her, but you have no qualms delaying the inevitable by answering. Besides, it was a chance to talk about how much you loved Daniela (and you’d never skip such an opportunity).

“It’s a line from a poem she wrote for me. “Tell me love, we shall last until the end of days”. A promise. The song Daniela and I played together… I wrote it in response. My way of doing what she asked of me, I guess. Like I said, she’ll always have the music we shared,” you answer, unable to stop yourself from smiling.

“Damn this… I can hardly believe I am asking this, yet I feel I have no choice: Tell me, do you love my daughter? Do you honestly, with your entire being, desire a future with her? Or was this a game of survival you couldn’t afford to lose, that turned out to be more ‘fun’ than you had anticipated? Show me your heart, as it is, bare as it would be if I tore it from your chest, this very moment.” There’s no room for argument in her voice, using the very same tone she reserved for maidens who got a tad too close to refusing her.

“Alright. It was a game. At first. Daniela wanted a distraction, something to entertain her. I didn’t want to die, like I had heard so many of her ‘playmates’ did. I can’t tell you when things changed, at least not for her,” you confess, with a shaky breath. Did that make you a monster? One worthy of death? If so, you wondered if it actually made you more fit to date Daniela. “For me… I just remember her smiling wide at me, hand on my cheek, having just cracked some lame joke. Next thing I knew, well, I knew. We had a spark of something, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to make her happy, you know? All the sudden there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I just wanted to see that smile again, everyday for the rest of my life.

“To answer your question: Yes. Goddess, yes. A thousand times yes. A ‘yes’ for every smile she’s ever shown me, for every butterfly in my stomach, for every time she’s held my hand, for every breath she’s stolen from my lungs, and for every single time my heart has skipped a beat in her name. I love her. I know we haven’t been together long, but the things I feel are undeniable. I will give her every part of myself, for as long as she wants me, for as long as I am blessed to live,” you pour your heart out, weaving your heartbeat into every turn of phrase, spilling your lifeblood onto the very conversation.

“And what will you do if she does change her mind? If she grows bored of you, as she has done with a dozen others?” Alcina counters without hesitation.

“I will weep. I will fall to my knees, and mourn this beautiful thing. But I will cherish every memory she leaves to me. Every moment where I am hers is a moment worth living, worth remembering. It will be better to have loved her with all my heart for a little slice of her immortality, than to love another, lesser so, for all of my life.” With that, Alcina sets her empty glass of tea onto the table, eying you with an unreadable expression. Something seems to stir in her chest, and at last the mask crumbles. She smiles.

“I see. Daniela, you may come back in now. Do not bother pretending that you have not been eavesdropping.” Not even a full second passes before the door opens, revealing a shaking Daniela, both of her sisters quite visible behind her (though they quickly move out of frame, leaving behind Ava, who gives a cheesy thumbs up as the door closes in xer face). She rushes to your side, taking your hand, looking stunned that you were still alive. But what shocks her more is what her mother says… “Of all the women I have ever known, family or otherwise, you are, perhaps, the most determined. Normally only in… ‘spurts’. Yet here you are, defying what I have come to expect of you. It almost feels as if I have been fooling myself this whole time, falsely believing that there is more than one possible outcome. So, ‘Songbird’, I say this: Three months ago, I agreed to give you a chance to prove yourself worthy of my daughter, for the sake of her happiness. Now, I suppose it is only fair that I do so once more.”

“Wait. Are you saying-” Daniela is once again cut off by her mother, who seems eager to avoid a trademark rant.

“Yes, yes I am. For the time being, the two of you have my blessing. I cannot say that I am entirely convinced of your chances at success, but, having seen the strength of your affections for one another, I sincerely hope that you will prove me wrong. Now come here, Daniela. I never got to finish telling you what I thought of your concert…”

—————————

In the glowing comfort of your girlfriend’s room, with the fireplace keeping things warm and cozy, you lay with your head against Daniela’s chest. One of her hands absentmindedly plays with your hair, and you release a sigh of bliss. Ava had assured you that xe would let Daphne know the good news, as xe thought that having one of the castle ladies visiting the servants’ quarters might cause a stir (and Daniela was far from willing to let go of you so soon). Now the two of you were just enjoying time holding each other close. Regardless of Alcina’s concerns, you knew that everything would be looking up from here. Assuming that Daniela didn’t have any more surprise confessions to involve you with.

“That was one hell of a surprise, Firefly. But I’m glad we don’t have to hide anymore. I love you, and I don’t know how long I could have survived without being open with it,” you say, a light teasing to your voice. Beneath you, Daniela chuckles, but holds you just a bit tighter. Then she places the softest of kisses to your forehead. “I’m always gonna love you, Firefly.”

“Until the end of days?” She asks, in a delighted whisper, grin practically audible.

“Until the end of days.”

—————————

Elsewhere in the castle, a caring mother takes another long, hungry drink from her glass of wine, staring intently into the fireplace. By her side is a silver-haired servant, who wordlessly watches her every move.

“There’s still a chance that this will all end horribly. Only time will tell, of course… but I can’t help worrying for her, she’s my daughter,” Alcina proclaims, gripping the glass hard enough for a web of cracks to form along its bell. But it does not fully shatter. No, it remains just steady enough to still be of use to her. For now. “Of course, you knew about this all along, didn’t you, Ava?... I know that you value how close you are with my children, and I know that they trust in you as much as I do… but if there are relationships or entanglements that I am unaware of, I expect you to tell me, or there will have to be consequences, regardless of your affiliation with Mother Miranda. Do you understand?”

Sighing, the mute servant pulls a notebook from xer pocket, opening it up to pen in a fresh script. There’s much tension in the air, and it only gets worse when Alcina catches a glimpse at what the note reads. As xe hands it to her, she scowls, and the wine glass fully breaks into countless shards. Immediately, Ava gets to work, picking up the largest of fragments with xer bare hands, refusing to complain about the resulting cuts. All the while Alcina stares into the fire, thoughts racing, wondering if maybe this time she could end her daughter’s problem before it was too late. Beginning to brainstorm ideas, she sets the notebook aside. Inside, in perfectly penned cursive, is a very, very dangerous piece of knowledge. The sort that could affect not only Castle Dimitrescu, but the entire village.

“In that case… there’s something you need to know about Cassandra- and Mother Miranda’s lovely little ‘pet’.”

#daniela dimitrescu x reader #daniela dimitrescu #resident evil: village #re8 village #it's really here lads #this is it #gonna go cry now #oh my god #i can hardly believe it

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joeygoeshollywood · 3 years

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My 25 Favorite Films of 2020

Well, this was quite the crazy year, especially for movies. While many films that were slated to be released this year were postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic, this year still provided some laughs, tears, and thrills both in theaters and in the living room.

(NOTE: Due to the delayed awards season calendar and postponed Oscar bait films that are unavailable to be seen before the end of 2020, this list will eventually be updated after having seen the following films: The Father, Minari, News of the World, Nomadland, One Night in Miami, Pieces of a Woman, Promising Young Woman)

Here are my 25 favorite films of the year:

25. Kajillionaire

Quirky filmmaker Miranda July is back with her first feature in nearly a decade. Kajillionaire is a bizarre but captivating tale about a family of criminal grifters and how the daughter reevaluates her strained relationship with her parents after an outsider is welcomed into the fold. Evan Rachel Wood takes what could have easily been dismissed as a goofy caricature in Old Dolio (yes, that’s her name) and turns into a heartfelt portrayal of a woman whose lifestyle of freeloading dictated by her parents (played by Debra Winger and Richard Jenkins) becomes her own crisis. In many ways, Kajillionaire feels like a fantasy that keeps people asking, “What on earth is going on?” And this time, it’s for the best.

24. Freaky

Revamping decades-old plots like the body-swapping antics from Freaky Friday can either result in a predictable failure or a surprising success. Thankfully, Freaky falls into the latter category. In this horror comedy, a deranged serial killer (played by Vince Vaughn) swaps bodies with his victim, a timid teen girl (played by Kathryn Newton). What makes the film work though are the dedicated lead performances, particularly by Vaughn, who is pretty convincing as young girl trapped in a grown man’s body. With a few good laughs and decent thrills, Freaky is worth the watch.

23. The Outpost

The Outpost is an intense film about the real-life story of small group of US troops isolated by surrounding mountains in Afghanistan, under the constant threat of the Taliban, which ultimately comes to a head in the Battle of Kamdesh. The film captures the harrowing experiences of these soldiers with heart-pounding action sequences, which are fueled by a solid cast including Scott Eastwood, Caleb Landry Jones, and Orlando Bloom.

22. Uncle Frank

Paul Bettany may be best known for playing The Vision in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but he should be celebrated as his title character in Uncle Frank, a touching dramedy set in 1973 about an NYU professor who returns home to his estranged family for his father’s funeral while his niece, played by rising star Sophia Lillis, idolizes him for teaching her to be her authentic self while he keeps his sexuality a secret. Bettany brilliantly balances the coolness of his stature with the internal agony that ultimately hits a boiling point, which is counterbalanced by Peter Macdissi’s fun performance as Frank’s happy-go-lucky lover who accompanies him back home despite his wishes.

21. Hillbilly Elegy

Hillbilly Elegy was panned by critics over politics that had absolutely no role the film. Based on the best-selling memoir by J.D. Vance, the newest feature from Ron Howard shows the journey of a boy who despite all odds growing up in a poor family that constantly struggled with abuse and addition managed to get into Yale Law School and achieve the American dream. While both Gabriel Basso and Owen Asztalos hold the film together as the younger and older Vance in the present and flashback scenes, Amy Adams as the impulsive, irresponsible mother and an unrecognizable Glenn Close as the no-nonsense inspiring grandmother that turn Hillbilly Elegy into an acting tour de force.

20. The Trial of the Chicago 7

Oscar-winning screenwriter Aaron Sorkin sits in the director’s chair once again in this courtroom drama about the real-life protesters who showed up in Chicago during the 1968 Democratic National Convention. With themes that resonate today, The Trial of the Chicago 7 benefits from its sharp screenplay, well-paced editing, and an outstanding ensemble cast that includes Eddie Redmayne, Mark Rylance, Yahoo Abdul-Mateen II, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jeremy Strong, Frank Langella, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Michael Keaton.

19. Yellow Rose

Broadway actress Eva Noblezada makes her film debut as an aspiring country singer on the run after her mother, an illegal immigrant, is obtained for deportation. Yellow Rose presents a nuanced depiction of US immigration, but at the heart of it is a heartbreaking story of a young woman who struggles between putting her family or her dreams first. Between Noblezada’s powerful performance and solid original music, Yellow Rose hits all the right chords.

18. Palm Springs

Move over, Groundhog Day. While the Bill Murray classic has largely monopolized the time loop film genre, Palm Springs gives it a run for its money. Andy Sandberg and Cristin Milioti star as the unlikely duo who are stranded reliving the same dreaded wedding day involving mutual acquaintances and their desperate efforts to escape the seemingly inescapable. The Hulu comedy stands on its own two feet for the good laughs, the chemistry between the two leads, and the film’s emotionally-grounded plot.

17. Let Him Go

Kevin Costner and Diane Lane reunite on the big screen after playing farmer parents in Man of Steel to rancher grandparents in Let Him Go, although this time they are able to display their full acting chops. In this period dramatic thriller, they set out to find their only grandchild following the death of their son only to discover that the widowed daughter-in-law remarried into an infamous crime family. While both Costner and Lane tug at the heartstrings, it’s Lesley Manville, who plays the ruthless matriarch of the family, that really takes command of the screen. Ultimately, Let Him Go is all about family and the lengths one is willing to go to protect it.

16. Unhinged

In a year plagued by the pandemic, Unhinged led the way to the revival of movie theaters back in August and perhaps in some ways it was meant to be the film to do so as the themes of a rage-fueled society and the lack of human connection carry weight. Russell Crowe stars, as the title suggests, as an unhinged psychopath whose road rage torments a woman and her adolescent son. Unhinged is the epitome of pure entertainment and is why we go to the movies. While it’s not quite the most sophisticated thriller of the year, it’s still one helluva ride.

15. Emma

Anya Taylor-Joy has had quite the year with both highs (The Queen’s Gambit) and lows (The New Mutants). But it began before the pandemic with the release of Emma, which she stars as the iconic Jane Austen title character, a socialite who meddles in the love life of others while refusing to acknowledge her own shortcomings in that department. Supported with a strong ensemble cast, beautiful production design, and comedic charm, Emma is not to be missed.

14. The Invisible Man

ln the era of remakes and reboots, very few are as good as Universal’s latest monster flick revival of The Invisible Man. Elisabeth Moss stars as a woman who believes she’s being haunted by her abusive ex-husband, someone she becomes convinced faked his own death and is stalking her without being able to be seen. Filmmaker Leigh Whannell, the writer behind the Saw and Insidious horror franchises, generates good thrills and high-wire tension with the help of high production value and a terrifyingly-good performance from Moss.

13. Dick Johnson is Dead

Documentarian Kirsten Johnson filmed a beautiful, intimate tribute to her father Dick Johnson, who has been suffering from Alzheimer's in the final years of his life. However, instead of dreading his death, both daughter and father embrace it by having him acting out several scenes of his over-the-top demises. Dick Johnson is Dead may focus on the subject manner of death, but this documentary actually celebrates life and the laughs that happen along the way.

12. The Wolf of Snow Hollow

Perhaps one of the littlest-known films of the year, The Wolf of Snow Hollow is not your conventional indie comedy horror flick. Writer/director Jim Cummings stars as an overly-heated police officer who attempts to get to the bottom of a string of murders in his small, snowy Utah town by what appears to be some sort of werewolf, though he remains unconvinced. Featuring one of the final performances from veteran actor Robert Forster, The Wolf of Snow Hollow uses its quirky sense of humor to stand out from the rest of the pack.

11. The Gentlemen

The Gentlemen is a fun, action-packed, crime caper from Guy Ritchie about the London turf war of drug kingpins. Matthew McConaughey, Charlie Hunnam, Henry Goulding, Michelle Dockery, and Colin Ferrell all round out the strong cast, but its Hugh Grant that really steals the show as the comedically manipulative Fletcher, whose only allegiance is to himself. If you like a stylish film with well-choreographed violence and a fast-paced plot, The Gentlemen should be your cup of tea.

10. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Some of the best play-to-film adaptations are the films that feel like you’re watching a play, and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom is one of them. Produced by Denzel Washington, Viola Davis gives a transformative performance as Ma Rainey, known as the “mother of the blues” and the clash she had with a pair of White music producers, but she also butts heads with her trumpet player (played by the late Chadwick Boseman), who also has his own music ambitions. While Davis obviously gives other Oscar-worthy performance, it was Boseman who was able to show how incredibly gifted he was as an actor. And while the world lost him far too soon, at least his last role ended up being his greatest.

9. The Kid Detective

One of the biggest surprises of the year was how good a movie starring and produced by Adam Brody was. Brody plays a washed up former kid detective who attempts to revive his once-celebrated career of solving mysteries by getting to the bottom of a murder in his hometown. The Kid Detective is a brilliant dark comedy from newcomer writer/director Evan Morgan with good laughs, plenty of plot twists, and a career-best performance from Brody, who proves he’s more than just the pretty face from The O.C. we all know him as.

8. Mank

Citizen Kane is widely regarded as one of the greatest films ever made and Mank is a worthy tribute. Gary Oldman stars as the title character Herman “Mank” Mankiewicz, the Oscar-winning screenwriter behind the iconic film. David Fincher (The Social Network, Gone Girl) managed to capture the epic scale of the 1941 classic that would make Orson Welles proud.

7. Soul

Soul is one of those rare existential Pixar films that goes beyond being children’s entertainment. Following in the footsteps of 2015′s Inside Out, Soul depicts what happens to the soul of a jazz musician who’s convinced his time on Earth isn’t over. While the universe created to explain how souls work and the plot that went along with it falls short of its emotions predecessor, Soul is still high-caliber among Pixar films and a great movie for both kids and adults alike.

6. Another Round

Perhaps the greatest work from Swedish director Thomas Vinterberg to date, Another Round follows four unsatisfied middle aged men who decide to take a theory of task from a Norwegian psychiatrist, who concluded that maintaining a blood alcohol level of 0.050 will enhance their mental and psychological state. Mads Mikkelsen, who’s best known to American audiences as Hannibal Lecter in the short-lived NBC series Hannibal and the Bond villain in Casino Royale, offers a strong, nuanced performance as one of the four educators who embraces this drinking challenge in a film that provides an equal balance of chuckles, cringes, and emotional gut punches.

5. I’m Thinking of Ending Things

From the crazy mastermind of Charlie Kaufman, the writer behind Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Anomalisa, his latest on Netflix is too a mind-bender. I’m Thinking of Ending Things is a surreal, zany, and at times disturbing examination of the human condition as the nameless female protagonist played by an incredible Jessie Buckley mulls over breaking up with her boyfriend (played by Jesse Plemons) while visiting his parents’ house. Accompanied with a stellar production design and a crazy-good performance from Toni Collette as “Mother,” Kaufman newest cerebral feature lives up to his iconic reputation of filmmaking.

4. Da 5 Bloods

Spike Lee is one of the few genius filmmakers who is able to blend multiple genres together and his latest film is no different. Da 5 Bloods is an action adventure, buddy comedy, dramatic character study, and war movie all wrapped up into one about a group of Vietnam War veterans who return to the former battlegrounds to find the remains of one of their fallen soldiers as well as some treasure that they kept hidden years ago. With a strong ensemble cast that includes the late Chadwick Boseman, its longtime character actor Delroy Lindo who steals the show with his powerful performance. Da 5 Bloods is easily one of Netflix’s strongest films to date.

3. The Assistant

One of the first #MeToo-era films, The Assistant offers the day in the life of a low-level female staffer of a production company who is haunted by the presence of her Harvey Weinstein-like boss (who never actually appears in the film). However, rather than depicting the dramatics of sexual misconduct, The Assistant uses the common subtleties and nuances of the workplace yet maintains the same tension and heartbreak. Anchored by the remarkable, devastating performance by up-and-comer Julia Garner (Ozark), The Assistant is as important as it is well-done.

2. Sound of Metal

Riz Ahmed gives the performance of his career as a heavy metal drummer and former addict whose sudden battle with going deaf upends his life. Sound of Metal is an incredible experience that gives a rare glimpse in the American deaf community which is enhanced by the remarkable sound design that helps the audience actually hear what the musician is going through. It’s truly one of the most rewarding films of the year.

1. The Climb

The Climb takes the generic “man sleeps with his best friend’s fiancé” storyline and turns it on its head. In his feature debut as writer and director, Michael Angelo Covino leads as the not-so-apologetic adulterer Mike and Kyle Marvin, who co-wrote the film, is the good-hearted Kyle who struggles to whether or not to forgive his best friend’s ultimately betrayal. Not only is The Climb is quirky and hilariously written, it’s a remarkably well-made comedy with some of the year’s best cinematography. Between a strong cast, a superb screenplay, and the extremely-high production value, The Climb is at the top of the mountain of 2020′s best films.

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beyoncesdragon · 3 years

Text

an introduction of VICTON♥︎༄

my favorite emo punk fairies of kpop, @aixy-hpsa bub buckle up.

-`about victon´-

Victon actually means Voice to New World or some, and we, the cult-followers, are to be yelled at by the name of ALICE. They debuted 2016 and have so far produced a bunch of mindblowing, amazing, superior, beautiful, showstopping (...) bops:

-`studio albums´-

Voice : The Future is Now (2021) *scream*

-`mini albums´-

Voice To New World (2016)

Ready (2017)

Identity (2017)

From. VICTON (2017)

Nostalgia (2019)

Continuous (2020)

-`single albums´-

"Time of Sorrow" (2018)

"Mayday" (2020)

they are amaaaaazing oke. look here have my favorite songs of them. (Yes I’m forcing my love for them down your throat now I’m sorry)

♥︎ - KANG SEUNGSIK - ♥︎

♥︎ 16. April 1995 ♥︎ 🐶 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

Leader!

He became Victons leader after Seungwoo started participating in Produce X 101 and then officially became Victons leader when Seungwoo came back from X1.

Vocalist! VOCALIST. VOCALIST

This man is blessed with a set of insane vocal chords and we all love him for it.

congratulations to Victon for being the only group with Kang Seungsik

He’s the mom of the group :,)

Supa caring dude, cleans up the mess of OT6

Is “Health” in persona, which kinda fits doesn’t it.

Naturally gets bullied by the younger ones.

EYE SMILE GANG

Also has dimples

Great leader and we should all respect him for it and give him never ending credits, victon wouldn’t be victon without him periodt.

♥︎ - HAN SEUNGWOO - ♥︎

♥︎ December 24, 1994 ♥︎ 🦊 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

Lead rapper, lead dancer, lead vocalist lead everything

Except Leader.

He gave that position up after he returned from X1 (where he by the way also was voted leader)

YOOO the members missed him so much they cried when he was gone

Visuals✨

Oh boy that man...dangerous

He has the funniest laugh? Like u would never expect that laugh to be his???

He. Has. His. Own. EP. And I dare everyone to listen to „Sacrifice“. It’s a masterpiece.

Seunggu also has tattoos!! 3 in total.

This dude is ripped yet u will probably catch him imitating goats and pikachu...?

Will roast the maknae but with love

Hes so much more than just his face.

♥︎ - DO HANSE - ♥︎

♥︎ 25. Sept. 1997 ♥︎ 🐱 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

Hello you’re looking at the loml

Main rapper.

(Of victon and of Kpop ex.1 and ex.2)

Sese ♥︎

Puts the sweet in sweetheart and really, he only looks like he could kill

TATTOOOOOS. SO. MANY. OF. THEM.

Semicolon on his wrist; cross on his left shoulder and chest (he church boi); roses on his arm: writings on his collar bone; so many more

bestest sense of fashion hands down

Iconic lip ring

His own solo EP is on the way!!!

Somehow this man is also main dancer

MIC FLIPS OWO

Talented boy.

♥︎ - LIM SEJUN - ♥︎

♥︎ May 4, 1996 ♥︎ 🍓 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

You are looking at an icon here

Most coziest-est VLives in history of Vlives

Easily scared (victon does enjoy that, naturally)

Very whiny but it’s oke

Lead Vocalist, Visual, Face of the Group

Insane vocals too, here ex.1

Another member of kpops cucumbers-anti squad

He’s very much BTS fanboy (not as much as Wooyoung but that’s hard anyways)

Competitive eater (listen, the maknae said that and we will believe him)

Will never leave Subin do a Vlive in peace ever

Will Never leave Subin live in peace ever either

Clingy boy

Walking noise-machine, he goes “ouh? Oh? Eh?” Like 372892 times a day

So much love for the dimple-prince

♥︎ - HEO CHAN - ♥︎

♥︎ December 14, 1995 ♥︎ 🦖 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

May I introduce...SUNSHINE OF VICTON ☀️

Mood maker of the group!

Mr Main Dancer and Vocalist also has dimples

And even tho he wanted to be a dance instructor, he somehow ended up becoming an idol

He even trained with TBZ mr leader sir Sangyeon

Mans can drive!!

Like Lee Know, he once was a backup dancer. For A-Pink tho, which is pretty cool

Hes considered the uncle in our lovely family dynamic

Expensive boi be collecting sHOES

And he said he polishes them from time to time and I do think that’s adorable

He’s also allergic to cats (unless it’s Hanse. That’s okay ig)

Cutest sunny boy, will take good care of your heart always☀️💛

♥︎ - CHOI BYUNGCHAN - ♥︎

♥︎ November 12, 1997 ♥︎ 🐥 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

Welcome to Victon where everyone has a mandatory crush on Byung

Like he doesn’t even have to enter your biasline

You will still have a crush on him because Byungchan

Softest biaswrecker i have ever had 112/10 would recommend

Tall boi. Like really tall and really broad👀

I keep forgetting he’s maknae line tbh

Prettiest Dimples ever.

Very active on his Instagram and we love him for it

Top tier bf material

Hes the softest boy and yet only one who isn’t scared of fucking bugs (victon scaredy cats)

Try not falling too hard for the mister

He knows so many girlfroup dances

He also shows them off quite always

He’s a bit tinie liddol but clumsy sometimes

Gosh I love him

♥︎ - JUNG SUBIN - ♥︎

♥︎ April 5, 1999 ♥︎ 🐰 ♥︎ 🇰🇷 ♥︎

Vocalist, Rapper, Heart-stealer, Actor...

AND MOST LOVED MAKNAE EVER

Like I don’t know if any maknae ever received as many kisses as this one

Gets (rightfully) babied to the Max by every. Single. One. Of. Them.

24/7

He’s also a babie. Like yes he’s a grown man and he looks hella intimidating on stage but-

It’s Subin

He’s also the smolest in Victon (uwu)

At the same time, maknae on top, this man gets everything (except his own room lmao) he wants

Sometimes not so baby (ex.1)

Saiubin-bby was supposed to debut with Pentagon but he yeeted last minute (we thank)

The child himself has children too: dog Toto and 2 cats: Mimi and Jaws.

He’s close friends with my favourite, formerly pink-haired elf-twink Yeonjun of TXT

Chairman of Victon.

he has the BEST insta user: subsubey.

Best boi.

-`very valid victon-moments to begin with´-

- because its pride: 🌈

- general victon-feelsies: 🌸

- for bad mood: ☀️

- moments when you want to question their sanity: 🌻 🌼 🌺 🌹

- victon being talented on studio CHOOM

- victon being talented whilst covering kehlanis "Gangsta"

alright that was long. and yes they are exactly as loud and noisy and annoying and time consuming as they seem but they are also best boys who can bring very much happiness into ones life, so they are very much worth it

#ryu tag💎#victon my beloved #victon #lim sejun #seungwoo #han seungwoo #hanse #do hanse #heo chan #kpop #subin #jung subin #byungchan #like I have 83479803h of material I can also show u #including like every comfort/mental support video #just say the word

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henryandalex · 4 years

Text

***Magnus and Alec are husbands. Yes, this needed to be said because CAN YOU BELIEVE? :’) But also, yes, it’s really been that long since the latest Malec fic rec. I’m sorry. It’s... yeah. Although if you also miss Malec every second of every day, reading fanfics at least helps a little.

I tried to collect a nice mix again so I hope you will enjoy this 9th (!!!) edition of my Malec fanfic rec posts. As usual, I enjoy making them and rec’ing you fics but these posts take a looooot of time so please, please, please reblog, like and spread the word so that I see you enjoy these and these posts are helpful. It motivates to do a new one in the future if y’all are interested. Thank you

And now, have fun discovering, reading, and loving those Malec fics. And leave a kudo and comment for those authors while you’re on it. We all love appreciation and need validation. :)***

previous Malec fic recs: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

---

42 NORTH 71 WEST by @lecrit [ M | AU | 62.1k | complete ]

Alec sometimes wonders why he ever decided to pursue a career in politics. Magnus sometimes questions whether pursuing his dream of becoming an actor was worth it.

Those two facts are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON by @unrestrainedlyexcessive [ E | AU | 21.3k | complete ]

Alec pulls up to the gold intercom positioned at the enormous front gates. Like everything owned by the obscenely wealthy, they’re proportioned for both for giants and giant egos.

He’d hoped this would be easier, less gut-churning work than protecting diplomats and foreign dignitaries, some guilty of truly terrible things, but being a bodyguard for a coddled popstar who can’t even be bothered with basic safety isn’t his idea of a good time.

---

Magnus is a popstar and Alec is his reluctant bodyguard. The bodyguard au in epistolary form. Image-heavy.

HIGHER THAN THE BIG TREES by @carmenlire [ E | AU | 242k | complete ]

Alec loves his job. He’s been touring since he was sixteen. He’s stayed in dozens of countries over the years, learned enough of their languages to get a beer in his hand and a man in his bed. The road is as much his home as the townhouse on the Upper West Side. He’s as comfortable in cheap hotel rooms with scratchy linens and glaring lights as he is in his penthouse that overlooks Central Park with its silk sheets and the constant hum of the city that never sleeps. Alec works hard and that hard work has paid off. He just finished his latest sold-out world tour and by all rights, he should be on top of the world. But the mental pressure of celebrity is getting to Alec and he doesn't trust his footing. He's stuck where most people would kill to be and he just wants to know what his next move should be. Enter Magnus Bane. A history professor at Columbia University, Magnus is content with his friends, his classes, and the occasional warm body in his bed. But he's been feeling stagnant, looking for the next chapter in his life to begin. If only he knew what Alec would bring his way.

THE SECRET OF THE SECRET SANTA by @notcrypticbutcoy [ T | AU | 12.7k | complete ]

As busy doctors with busy schedules, Magnus and Alec have danced around their feelings for each other for years, much to the chagrin of their friends. This Christmas, Simon decides it’s time for an intervention-in the form of a shamelessly rigged secret santa.

Or: In which Simon rigs the secret santa, Magnus and Alec flirt over nerdy doctor things, and are both a little bit oblivious.

RUMOR HAS IT by @lecrit [ M | AU | 12.9k | complete ]

Magnus widens his eyes at him, silently asking him to just give him this one. Alec simply curves one of his stupidly perfect eyebrows in response, a simple gesture that carries the weight of a call for challenge. “Looks like you’re gonna have to postpone your wedding for now,” Maia giggles next to him. Magnus huffs, flexing his jaw. “Oh, it’s on, Lightwood,” he mouths at him.

Or the one where Alec and Magnus are both after the same guy, but end up falling for each other instead.

CIGARETTE by j__writes [ T | AU | 3.1k | complete ]

His relationship with Magnus Bane had been nothing short of frustrating.

Frustrating in the worst of ways. Frustrating in the best of ways.

ABSOLUTELY ABYSMAL by @aemiliafawn [ E | 4.8k | complete ]

The first time Alec sees Magnus wearing lipstick he wants to do filthy things to him. Magnus isn't exactly opposed to this.

A ROYAL AFFAIR by j__writes [ M | AU | 38.8k | complete ]

Prince meets professor and it's love at first sight. Lucky (or maybe unlucky) for him, the beautiful professor doesn't know his boyfriend's a prince.

HEAVEN IS A TASTE ON EARTH by @alittlebriton [ T | AU | 20.7k | complete ]

Making a birthday cake for the renowned chef Magnus Bane is a hard enough task – made harder still by the fact his girlfriend doesn’t seem to know Magnus’ likes or dislikes at all. Alec Lightwood, maker of some of the finest cakes in Brooklyn, is up to the challenge, even if he can’t take his eyes off the birthday boy. But as Alec and Magnus grow closer, could it be that the missing ingredient is true love?

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS by @la-muerta [ E | AU | 2k | complete | Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life #1 ]

Rising rockstar Magnus Bane’s life is all about sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll - it's an old cliché, but sometimes the clichés are true. And Alec Lightwood, a bassist from another band, is a drug Magnus can't get enough of - even if he knows that like any drug, he's sinking deeper with every hit he takes, and that this is killing him slowly and painfully.

Because this is just about sex, and Alexander doesn't love him back.

OUR LOVE IS A HARSH CHORD by @la-muerta [ E | AU | 21.9k | complete | Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life #2 ]

Magnus lives in two worlds: one of blinding stage lights and the thunder of the adoring crowd stomping its feet to the rhythm of his music; and one of the darkness offstage, a blur of lonely hotel rooms, one-night stands, drugs, and the sting of whiskey.

Magnus lives in two worlds, both of them stark, bleak, empty - until Alec Lightwood comes along, and everything falls apart.

MELTING MOLTEN by @raininginadelaide [ E | 4k | complete ]

The training scene in the show was their second attempt. The first time, Alec showed even less restraint.

SUPPORT SYSTEM by @bytheangell [ T | AU | 122.8k | complete | Support System #1 ]

When Alec's favorite show gets cancelled and he takes to messaging customer service repeatedly to show his support, he doesn't expect to connect so well with the support representative he keeps getting paired off with.

PAGING DR. LIGHTWOOD-BANE by @carmenlire [ not rated | AU | 4.4k | complete ]

Alec scowls. “I’m not on rotation this weekend-- I’m not even on call-- and we decided to make the most out of it.”

“We,” Maia asks, brows inching towards her hair line. “Who’s we?”

“My husband and I,” he mutters and he rolls his eyes as it's like a bomb’s been detonated in the middle of the table.

Simon screeches, “What,” and even Jace and Isabelle are looking at him with wide eyes.

“You’re married?”

Or, the one where everybody finds out

TRUTH OR DARE? by @atowncalledmalec [ E | AU | 4.5k | complete ]

Two small-town cops, partners, Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane, have somehow pulled desk duty on the graveyard shift. Bored out of their minds and finding a lie detector machine, the chance of winning a $50 bet and being able to ask the questions they've always wanted to ask is too good of an opportunity to pass up. Alec gets a little more than he bargained for though when the machine betrays him at every turn. And so does Magnus.

EVERYTHING I DIDN’T KNOW I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS by @la-muerta [ T | AU | 4.5k | complete ]

Alec got his Christmas shopping done months ago - but he should have known that Jace would mess it all up for him. Now he's out braving the crowds on Christmas Eve trying to find a toy that's sold out everywhere for his son, and as it turns out, he's not the only desperate single father out there who will stop at nothing to get his hands on that last toy in the shops.

CERTAIN PERKS by quill_and_ink [ E | 5.5k | complete ]

"You never have to prove yourself to me."

Shadowhunters are being murdered and mutilated. The Clave is getting desperate to find the culprit, but Alec has to believe there's another way. He won't let this end his relationship with Magnus - he refuses to accept that, and he'll do whatever he can to protect them.

Based on the dialogue and actions from "Shadowhunters" Episode 2x13: "Those of Demon Blood"

THE TRUTH UNTOLD by @carmenlire [ not rated | 4.4k | complete ]

Magnus closes his eyes and leans into the feelings that wrap around him. They’re two of the most powerful men in the New York shadow world. It makes his chest ache sometimes, the knowledge that they may never be able to take their relationship public, that he won’t ever be able to kiss Alec on a sunny day in the city, that they can’t hold hands as they walk through Central Park, that whenever they do see each other in public it’s always in an official capacity and they’re relegated to formal greetings while their eyes try to say everything they can’t.

He’d still take this over not having Alec, though. That Magnus knows without a doubt.

ANYTHING YOU SAY by @milominderbindered [ M | AU | 117k | complete ]

Detective Alec Lightwood likes his job. He likes the order of it, likes helping people, likes that he gets to work with Jace and that Izzy is always right downstairs in the morgue too. He's wanted to be a cop ever since he was a kid, just like his parents before him, and now he's living that dream. His life should be perfect.

There's just one problem. Their precinct has just gotten a new forensic expert -- Magnus Bane.

And honestly, he's so cute that Alec's kind of losing his mind.

EMISSARY OF SIN by @insiemes [ M | AU | 97.6k | complete ]

Alec Lightwood, the Clave's top protection agent, is called upon to guard the life of his mortal enemy - one of the world's most notorious hitmen, Magnus Bane.

SHOOT TO KISS by @dantes-wombat [ M | 5k | complete ]

As far as dates go, this one's a bit more weapons-centered than Magnus expected - but also a lot sexier.

IF YOU’VE GOT THE MONEY, I’VE GOT THE TIME by j__writes [ T | AU | 73.4k | complete ]

Alec has made plenty of questionable choices, as Izzy likes to so kindly remind him. Asking Magnus to be his fake boyfriend and then offering to pay him? That, right there, he doesn’t know what the fuck he was thinking. And he wasn’t. But Magnus is really nice and really fucking hot, and if Alec gets to pretend to be his boyfriend then… win - win, right?

ANONYMOROUS by @superficialpeasant [ E | AU | 10.6k | complete ]

When one of Clary’s art exhibition performers drops out last minute, Alec steps in to help. Unfortunately that also means he’ll be having sex with a stranger in public.

DATE NIGHT by @unrestrainedlyexcessive [ G | 562 | complete ]

“Look, it’s no big deal,” Alec says. “The angles in pool are just like archery. I have a natural advantage.”

“Pretty sure I beat you the first time we played,” Magnus says, taking a sip of his martini. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so relaxed, so at home in a relationship.

That is, until Alec started winning.

HARDER THAN THE LIQUOR I POUR by @carmenlire [ not rated | AU | 6.5k | complete ]

The bartender considers him for a moment before holding out the hand that was over his just a second before. “I’m Magnus, bartender extraordinaire. While I certainly wouldn’t mind calling you pretty boy for the rest of the evening, I think it only fair that you share your name, too. Don’t you?”

Slowly, Alec reaches out and grasps Magnus’s hand in a poor imitation of a handshake. He meets Magnus’s eyes and knows they both know that this is a mere prelude for what’s to come.

“Alec,” he says slowly and watches as Magnus’s smile deepens.

“Well, Alec, my shift ends in an hour. Wait for me?”

CREAM by @ohfreckle [ E | 3.4k | complete ]

Sometimes Magnus likes to wear panties.

“Are you kidding? You look amazing!” Alec wishes he were more eloquent, that he could miraculously find the words and praise to express how fucking hot Magnus is with his little panties on.

SAY IT by @ilovealeclightwood [ E | 4k | complete ]

“I want you,” Magnus pressed his lips to Alec’s neck, the sensation of his lips against the deflect rune making Alec shudder again.

“To admit,” Magnus continued, pausing to run his tongue over the length of the rune, sending sparks of pleasure through Alec and making him try to jerk his hips up again.

“That I was right.” Magnus pulled away from his neck to look down at him and it took a second for what he meant to click with Alec.

---

Or, Magnus and Alec solve petty arguments in a sensable, responsible manner

ALL NIGHT (OR A HUNDRED YEARS) by @hourglassmermaid [ T | 4.3k | complete ]

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Raphael,” Magnus chastises. “You know I take care of my friends.”

Friends. The word stings more than kuri venom; it lingers far longer than any demon attack ever could. It lingers in Alec’s mind when he’s tossing and turning at night imagining what they could have been if Alec hadn’t been such a coward all those years ago. It lingers in his heart whenever they’re alone, and Alec swears he sees a glimmer of those feelings Magnus must have buried long ago. And it lingers in his soul whenever they work together as allies, as leaders, as partners, because they really are compatible in all the ways that count.

But none of that matters, because they’re just friends.

---

Alec and Magnus are colleagues — maybe even friends. Definitely allies. Alec's content, with his life, his career, and even his (lack of) relationships, but sometimes when Magnus sits beside him, Alec may or may not cease to function. It's okay; he's okay.

I SAW PAPA KISSING SANTA CLAUS by j__writes [ G | AU | 3.3k | complete ]

“I heard a noise and so I snuck out. He didn’t see me but I saw him. I saw Santa and then I saw Papa and he kissed Santa, Raf.”

LIKE NOBODY ELSE by @carmenlire [ not rated | AU | 3.7k | complete ]

Simon’s been Alec’s assistant for the past three years. Alec was a hard ass, no doubt about it. He had exacting standards, a perpetually sardonic expression, and Simon had literally never seen the man smile.

Lightwood had exploded onto the scene ten years ago and in that time, he’s made a name for himself that no one else could rival. He might not be well liked but everyone-- even his enemies-- respected Lightwood.

Or, Simon is Alec's secretary and doesn't realize just how little he knows about his boss until he solves a mystery.

SEXY SNAPSHOTS by @tobythewise [ E | AU | 2.8k | complete ]

“Anything interesting on there?” Alec asks, a teasing note in his voice as he nods at the camera. “Anything sexy?" “Not at the moment.” Magnus raises his brow. “Wanna change that?” OR The one where Magnus and Alec explore what it's like to have sexy times while snapping sexy pictures of each other.

PUNDAMENTALS OF OFFICE RIVALRY by @bytheangell [ T | AU | 3.8k | complete ]

When Magnus and Alexander get off on the wrong foot at the start of their internship, Magnus takes it upon himself to annoy Alec at every turn.

WORSE THINGS THAN BEING IN LOVE by @aemiliafawn [ E | 4.6k | complete ]

Their wedding was everything they had ever dared to dream of. But perhaps their wedding night was just as special.

CRYPTIDS OF BROOKLYN by @alexanderlightweight [ M | AU | 2.3k | complete ]

For all the rather redundant and overused jokes made about lawyers and sharks, never was such a comparison or joke made concerning Alec Lightwood, as there was one glaring difference between the two ruthless predators.

Sharks smiled, Alec Lightwood didn’t.

ZERO COMPLAINTS by @aemiliafawn [ E | 3.3k | complete ]

Usually when someone wakes Magnus up before sunrise they'd have to face his wrath – however since Alec decides to make it actually worthwhile for the exhausted warlock, Magnus finds he doesn't mind making an exception just once.

HAHA JUST KIDDING... UNLESS? by @carmenlire [ not rated | AU | 2.5k | complete ]

"You know Magnus wouldn’t joke about boning his best friend just to do it. You mean too much to him and we all know how gone you’ve been over Magnus since, like, eighth grade.”

Alec sighs and it feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. “I can’t get my hopes up, Jace. I’ve been in love with him for years but he doesn’t feel the same way.”

Groaning like they’ve gone around the block about this a thousand times-- because they have-- Jace facepalms. “How many times do I have to tell you-- Magnus feels what you feel but you’re both too stupid to get past your own hang-ups to talk about it.”

TAKE IT EASY by @la-muerta [ E | AU | 18.2k | complete ]

Alec signs up for a session with a professional male dominant, just a one-time thing to satisfy his curiosity. It most definitely doesn't end up being just a one-time thing.

THE LONELY HEARTS HOTLINE by @unrestrainedlyexcessive [ E | AU | 40.6k | complete ]

“Hey there,” Alec says in the lowest, sexiest voice he can manage. It sounds vaguely disinterested but some people get off on that.

“Hi,” the voice says.

“Ready to have some fun?”

The voice makes a small, sad noise.

“Or not?” Alec tries hastily. He gets paid regardless of what they're talking about. “We can just chat for a while.”

“What’s your name,” the voice says finally.

“Uh, Chad,” Alec says. He was drunk when he picked his name, just as he was drunk when he answered the job wanted ad. He should have picked something sexy like Tristan, but he’s forever Chad now, the douchiest phone sex operator in history. He balances his bowl of macaroni carefully on his stomach and sneaks a quick bite.

“You don’t sound like a Chad,” the voice says doubtfully.

“Why the hell not?” Alec says before he can stop himself, mouth full of pasta.

“--are you eating?”

“No,” Alec lies and swallows.

---

Alec is a bored phone sex operator. Bafflingly, Magnus just wants to talk about music.

BRIGHT LIGHTS, SMALL TOWN by @lecrit [ E | AU | 104.3k | complete | To Build A Home #1 ]

When Magnus gets to Nashville, Indiana to handle his late mother's will, he doesn't expect to be forced to stay there for six months. Six months away from New York and lost in the wildness of the countryside.

It quickly appears that he is going to go through six months of living hell.

The fact that he hates the local veterinarian on sight isn't helping.

BRIGHT LIGHTS, SMALL TOWN: EXTRAS by @lecrit [ E | AU | 12.6k | complete | To Build A Home #2 ]

A combination of extras for Bright Lights, Small Town.

EARTH’S MIGHTIEST HEROES by @lecrit [ M | AU | 141.9k | complete | Avengers Assemble #3 ]

The thing is… Their plans have a history of not going accordingly so when they finally do, maybe they build a confidence a bit too quickly. Breaking Magnus out turns out to be indeed a formality. Selling the ruby, too. So what could possibly go wrong now?

In which our team of misfits has to deal with the consequences of messing with a dangerous man and again, everything goes according to plan. Or not.

COLOR ME BLUE by @carmenlire [ not rated | AU | 18.8k | complete ]

Christmas is his favorite time of the year but Alec has barely had time to buy presents let alone enjoy the holiday season. December seems to have lasted the blink of an eye and Alec's shoulders hunch as he realizes morosely that most of this year is a blur of emergencies and rounds and consultations.

His gaze snags on a bakery display as he walks past. The window is dressed with multicolored lights and garland wrapping around the edges. The display case is full and Alec’s mouth waters just at the sight.

Without conscious thought, Alec is reaching for the door to Bane's Bakery, eager to see if the interior is just as whimsical and welcoming as the outside.

#malec #malec fic #malec fic rec #malec fanfic #shadowhunters #fic rec #fanfic #otp: look what i have waiting for me

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bcanetwork · 3 years

Text

BCA NFTalk Vol.3｜Art Blocks NFTs’ Imagination

Guest Speakers：Host ArthurLou BCA Co-Founder丨Vulcan DAO GP（简称A）

Zero Chen NFT Consultant of FTChinese.com（简称C）

Ting Song AI and Blockchain Artist丨IOAC Asia Ambassador（简称S）

Hesiod 「Theogo NFT Observer」Chief Editor （简称H）

Nico Yang VulcanDAO GP（简称Y）

Background: It's been a few months of a mini-bull market for NFT collectibles, which the frenzied sales of CryptoPunks have pushed up in recent days. In addition, Art Blocks, as a generative art segment, topped the 7-day trading volume list strongly, ranking first with The Art Blocks segment was ranked fifth overall with $498 million. These three segments - avatars, generative art, and solo editions - make up a solid JPEG Summer. In this context, we invite four guests to chat about the NFT imagination beyond Punk.

Host A: What do you think of the macro reasons for this 2021 Summer rampage? Share some of the recent Punk-like replica disc projects and NFT collecting tips that you've been following.

C: It's not very surprising that Punk is on fire; its holders or investors/collectors who are bullish think it should be higher priced. Its broken circle has become more apparent, and this mini-bull market is a spurt of an accumulation from the entire NFT market that preceded it. Social subcultures and aesthetic psychology drive NFT and trendy fashion, so its rise and fall may be very different from how technology has evolved and popularised. Compared to traditional art and traditional collecting, this wave in the crypto world should be just beginning. If CryptoPunks do become digital antiques, I believe they will be worth much more than that in the future.

Y: Until 2021, it will be difficult for digital content creators to get their work recognized by the market and to cash in without relying on big institutions with a centralized approach. The breaking of the circle in media and the entrance of money brought by the wealth creation effect have greatly refreshed the perception of digital content. Echoing what Che Guevara once said, "After we leave, they build you schools and hospitals, not because they have shown great mercy, but because we came."

The identity that comes with NFT is only really felt when it is held. The purpose is different, and the logic of buying and collecting can be very different. A scarce NFT is a status symbol in itself.

S: Compared to the art market, which is repeatedly tested and scrutinized by connoisseurs from different perspectives, there is a sizeable speculative bubble in the English-speaking community on Ethereum. A lot of this bubble is in cultural content and projects that lack culture can be short-lived. The works that I want to keep inside my wallet for a long time are the ones that I will be happy to look at even ten years from now.

In this JPEG Summer, I strongly feel that it is similar to 1CO at the end of 17, where all aspects of blockchain project parties were active, but the market turned cold after 18 years. A successful crypto art series is also a successful cultural product that combines technology and art.

Punk is Punk in the same way that an asteroid hitting the earth is hard to replicate, and special times happen like this. How do you ambush the next Punk? 1. Is there innovation? 2. Is the seed community very geeky? 3. Is it a historical level under the megatrend? 4. Can the team continue to do it? 5. are the institutional holders coming in at the middle stage good enough to drive the project forward? 6. can it create a cultural resonance in the circle? These are all worth exploring.

Regarding collection investment strategies, I am very much focused on niche artists from developing countries, especially those with a pure art background or a very pioneering sense of creativity in the contemporary art field and those who respect the blockchain spirit of the blockchain community.

Moderator A: Each Trader (trader) has a different investment strategy, and each person has limited energy to focus on one vertical track. Suppose one is easily influenced by the market and forcibly changes his investment strategy. In that case, it is scary for a Trader, which is equivalent to the whole cognitive system having to be reconstructed.

H: The cost of a physical painting is not high, but it can be sold for hundreds of millions. Therefore, the value of a work does not lie in its materials or cost. Its physical price does not determine the value of Jpeg. In the structure of the blockchain market, Crypto Punks, Art Blocks, and BAYC represent the three dimensions that can be found in the NFT market. Crypto Punks starts from a programmer and is driven by technology; the monkey BAYC is community-driven. The blockchain community may be The base for the survival of the future blockchain; Art Blocks enter from artistic creativity.

From the perspective of social governance, Token is an institutional symbol. Mature NFT projects must create a field and a way of existence, and a variety of hobbies professional life corresponds to the current needs of various communities. I don't see it as a speculative target but rather as a script for building a kind of Metaverse called the respective Metaverse, whose development depends on the evolution of the community.

Moderator A: The more successful 10K projects have a cultural tribe behind them, and the ethos can be very different from project to project. How do you see Art Blocks as a clear stream with awe-inspiring numbers? How do you see it breaking out and the appreciation and valuation insights into generative art as a discipline?

S: The group of projects in NFT that are particularly speculative and not culturally good enough are like passing clouds and won't be in the prosperous state they are today when the market is in a bad mood. But two things are sure to go a long way: firstly, good cultural content is never speculative. But anything that has an innovative aesthetic or interest that strikes a chord is not entirely speculative and has its own commercial identity quite typically. The second point, the trend towards avatars and social identities, is unstoppable.

I am very bullish on generative art. Behind it is a respect and exploration of the mathematical logic behind information technology. The methods used are engineering in nature and reflect the cultural identity of a group of people.

C: Generative art started with computer technology and continued until this wave of artificial intelligence, more precisely the application of convolutional neural networks, entered the aesthetic vision of the masses, with a low correlation to the market price of generative artworks. In the past, the general aesthetics of popular art did not break through the traditional class texture (strong mediated aesthetic vision), the blockchain market changed this law, and the same thing is now entering the NFT art collectibles market.

H: NFT is a fuse to the art market, not a monopoly on art history. When the financial operation goes to an extreme, it is decoupled from the actual value creator. Although Art Blocks has a centralized organizer, it is isomorphic with the state-of-the-art community. Generative art will present different visual effects depending on the materials used. With the rapid development of technology and speculation, it is possible to join the first-line NFT.

Y: Art Blocks is the same thing as the explosion of CryptoPunks. Looking at the top 20 Crypto Punks holdings, the most intuitive data is that there is a very high degree of overlap with the big Art Blocks accounts, with the smallest of these holdings holding more than 50 Art Block NFTs.

More generally, a large percentage of the first blockchain explorers to make a large fortune were programmers. The culture that Art Blocks carries is precisely an aesthetically pleasing phenomenon from a programmer's perspective.

Any art form first evolved from technology, and the value of NFT relies on the programmer-led blockchain revolution to provide sufficient wealth to support it. Crypto Punks represent a new class of people, the last piece of the puzzle in internet development.

A: The bigger the wave, the further back you look; what should be the kind of work that can be called classic or digital antiques? What is the view on the future of NFT?

C: If we look at this from a long-term perspective, three points need to be considered. Firstly, there is a characteristic of any cultural investment product that performs more similarly to financial assets in a bull market and can be less liquid than financial assets in a bear market, with a liquidity black hole. Classic core assets can find counterparties no matter when they are traded. Broad consensus and acceptance are the hallmarks of traditional investments, and a sense of scarcity and value is formed over a long period.

Secondly, whether crypto art or generative art, continuing to move forward requires special attention to fit in with other cultural and sub-cultural trends, the spirit of the times.

Thirdly, the artist is a profession, not an inoffensive one. One might as well consider the NFT market giving artists such opportunities as a form of nourishment. If it does not produce investment returns, it is still making its contribution to the art market.

H: I encourage artists to get involved in art that may not be very romantic because there is a massive demand for essential art waiting there. A good NFT project is hardly successful without the creation of artists, and NFT offers a vast blue ocean for artists. Calmness is always within one's heart, maintaining a sense of rationality in the course of a bear or bull market, no matter how noisy it may be.

Host's summary: Since I entered this track myself, there are still times of anxiety and confusion, but things are still in the making. I hope that I can do something genuinely long-term like the four excellent teachers.

#nftart #cryptoart #nftcollector #nft marketplace #nonfungibletokens #nftcommunity #MetaOpus

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ineverlookavvay · 4 years

Text

I've hung my happiness upon what it all could be

Teenage Michael wants to tell Alex his secret, but it doesn't go as planned.

Fic prompt: “There’s something you should know…” - Day 2 of Michael Guerin Week 2020

read it on Ao3

“I’m gonna tell him.” Michael said it firmly, like they couldn’t argue. Max and Isobel stared at him with equal but opposing looks of anger.

“No you’re not,” Isobel said, taking a sip of her vitamin water. Michael swallowed the eye roll bursting to come out of him. They were all coping with things differently: Isobel was turning into the perfect wasp-y daughter her parents had always wanted her to be, Max was lining his life with rules, and Michael was trying desperately to find something to make himself feel good for even just a moment. And, some might argue, ruining his life in the process.

“You’re not,” Max affirmed, giving Michael one of his important, holier-than-thou looks. Like Michael couldn’t make this decision for himself, after all he’s already given up for them.

“It’s not your decision,” he insisted, “and I’ve already made up my mind. I’m just letting you know as a courtesy.”

“You can’t tell a human.” Isobel whispered the word human like it was a slur. “Especially now. We made this decision as a group, remember?”

“This isn’t some random guy, this is...it’s important.”

“Oh, it’s important? Michael, our own parents don’t know the truth. You know that keeping our true selves a secret is the most important thing. You know that.”

Michael sighed. “Yeah, I know.” He flexed his ruined hand, wincing at the pain of the stretch.

He wanted to tell Alex, every flash of pain in his damn hand felt like a reminder that he wanted to tell Alex, wanted to be honest about something in his life. They’d been drifting apart, Michael knew that, and he knew why, knew that it was his fault, his failings. Everything was going wrong—Michael didn’t have Max anymore, he didn’t have school, he didn’t have a future at all, and he had this guilt, this fear, sitting in his stomach all the time, not to mention his hand, and now it seemed like he didn’t have Alex either; he was going to just be another deadbeat cowboy without a future and with a regular booth at the bar, all the admittedly sparse love he thought he’d found would be gone. He couldn’t lose Alex, he needed that quiet, he needed to be able to feel the way he did when Alex looked at him, like he mattered.

What he needed was to close the widening distance, and he couldn’t very well tell the truth about why he’d been so distant, and angry, and lost. The less pressing truth—albeit maybe the bigger truth—would have to be enough, enough to prove that Michael cared, that he didn’t want a summer thing, that he couldn’t let go. He just needed someone to know him. And he wanted it to be Alex.

Plus, he’d been learning to play the guitar backwards, strumming with his mind, a pick floating in front of the strings as he felt out the chords with his right hand. The guitar he had in his possession was stolen, of course, which wouldn’t be great to lead with, but the trick was fun, and he thought once they got past the initial shock of it, Alex would like it. And Michael desperately needed something about himself for Alex to like.

“Do we need to remind you what happened when you lost control? You want to risk everything and for what?” Isobel was really growing into her adopted family, her tone straight out of Mrs. Evans’s playbook. “Some boy who’s too much of a secret to tell us his name? Who you won’t even talk to in a few months?”

Michael bit his tongue so hard he could taste blood.

Isobel’s phone rang and she got up to answer it, shooting Michael a parting look that he only forgave because it was her.

“She’s right, though,” Max said quietly. “You can’t tell him.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What happens when he leaves for college?” Max pressed. “What happens when you move on and he still knows? Every scenario ends with us on a specimen table. You can’t tell him.”

Michael sagged as he stood, the weight of the conversation adding to everything else. It was all too much. “I know.” Max nodded, like that was it, done, decided; and Michael threw one last hail Mary pass to the wind. “What if it was Liz? Wouldn’t you want to tell her, if it would save you from losing her?”

Max frowned, and Michael could tell he’d fucked up, hit a nerve that was too deep, and that he should have left well alone. And it wasn’t the same, not at all, because Liz was gone and Alex wasn’t. Because Max could get up and go to work and live his life, and Michael could only see the edge of the cliff getting closer and closer.

“No.” Max said, firmly. “We can’t tell anyone. This is a family thing, Michael. It’s not a card you can play. It’s our lives.”

“Yeah.” There was no sense arguing, they would never understand what his life was, not when their own experience was so damn rosy, and they would never understand why he had to do this. Why he needed there to be something true in his life right now, something good. This hadn’t gone the way he wanted, but Max and Isobel never even had to know if he told Alex—Michael was sure that Alex wouldn’t tell anyone, wouldn’t betray him.

“You wanna stay for dinner?” Isobel asked, coming back over, her stance softening as she took in the tight shield of Michael’s body. “Mom’s making a casserole.”

“Nah, I’m good.” Michael shook his head and started backing up towards his truck. He hated feeling like a charity case, hated the look in both of their eyes, the one they’d developed to hide their pity, like Michael couldn’t still see through that. “Later.”

Inside the protection of his truck, Michael leaned his head back against the headrest and sighed. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but somehow he thought they’d understand, he thought they’d see how important this was, how close Michael was to drowning. Unwittingly, he’d gone from the black sheep to the clean-up crew, the person they would only listen to when something bad was happening, something they judged important, and every other moment he was just a disappointment, the hothead who fucked it all up. And he didn’t have to put up with that, not when there was still someone else out there who did want him around, who did give a fuck.

Michael put the truck into gear and drove towards the UFO Emporium. Alex was still working, which was good, since Michael was probably the only one of anyone who didn’t have a cell phone, and even if he did, there was such a high chance of Alex’s dad monitoring his cell phone that Michael would never have been able to call or text it anyway.

There wasn’t a line, there was never a line, and Michael stepped up to the window apprehensively. “Can you come by, later? I’ve got something to show you.”

Alex looked up quickly, reacting to Michael’s voice, and then looked around quickly, scanning like he thought someone would be watching. “Yeah, okay. I’m off at 7.”

Michael nodded and Alex looked so uneasy that he didn’t bother sticking around to talk, just walked back to his trunk and drove off to the small rectangle of land he was currently parking on, a sorry excuse for a home. Alex knew where to find him, though, and that gave it a sort of silver lining.

He waited, drinking a beer he’d been given by someone days ago and stashed in the truck, trying to calm his nerves. He had decided, it didn’t matter what Max and Isobel said—he was going to tell Alex, and it was going to close this chasm widening between them, and it was going to be worth it, and Michael would stay afloat.

Alex pulled up early enough that it was clear he’d come straight from work. Michael sat in the truck bed watching him approach. There was something off about Alex, something different, but Michael couldn’t put his finger on it, not when his mind was snarled with love and nerves and fear and anger and everything else. A big black tangle, that only Alex had ever been able to begin to unwind. He was going to tell him.

“So what’s up?” Alex said, rubbing his palm against the metal wall of the truck bed like he wasn’t sure he was going to jump up next to Michael. That wasn’t a good sign, even if he did eventually nod and climb up.

Michael took a deep breath and immediately hesitated, veering off from the direct words. “I’m teaching myself to play guitar again. Backwards, but still.”

Alex smiled, but there was something like intense sadness under it. “That’s great, Michael.”

Michael swallowed. That wasn’t exactly the reaction he was hoping for. He pulled the stolen guitar out from where it had been hiding under a blanket and lay the fretboard across his leg. “I want to show you, but—but there’s something you should know. Something you need to know, first.”

“Actually, I’ve got something to tell you, too,” Alex cut in, rubbing his thumb across the threads of his jeans, the nail catching occasionally. He wasn’t wearing nail polish, Michael realized with a start. Or eyeliner. All of his piercings were just empty holes.

“Let me go first,” Michael said, suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. He didn’t want to hear whatever Alex was going to tell him, not at all; he thought his survival might depend on not hearing it. “Alex, you know I trust you, and I want you to know I’m—“

“I’ve decided to enlist,” Alex said, looking away and then back to Michael, his face set defiantly. “We decided. Last night, that it would be the best thing for me.”

Michael blanched, all of the words he’d spent the afternoon deciding on rushing out of his head. He must have heard wrong. “What the fuck do you mean?” His voice sounded angrier than he meant it to, more desperate, and Alex sighed and looked back down at his hands. Then the rest of the sentence hit Michael. “Who the fuck is ‘we’?”

“My dad and I. It’s—I made the right decision for me right now.”

“Like hell you did.” Michael banged his fist against the truck bed, the metal sound reverberating through the guitar with a discordant twang. Alex winced, closing his eyes, and Michael immediately wanted to take the angry gesture back. “I’m sorry.” He put his hand gently on Alex’s leg and Alex didn’t look at him, but didn’t flinch away either. “But…you hate that shit. What about your music? What about getting out of here?”

“I am getting out of here,” Alex retorted.

“Not on your terms. Not like…” Michael paused to take a breath. It had occurred to him recently, that they could just leave, together—once Alex knew the truth, they could leave and protect each other, and Max could stay here and protect Isobel; it would be better for them to be spread out anyway. Michael hadn’t said it out loud yet, and certainly not to Alex, but he’d been harboring this fantasy deep inside him, and he could feel it slipping like water through his fingers now. “We could leave,” he said quietly, urgently. “Just hear me out and we can figure everything out, and you won’t have to—to fight in their wars.”

He could tell it wasn’t enough.

Alex scoffed, looking up at him again. “You’re talking about nothing, Michael.”

Michael could hear Max and Isobel’s words from earlier echoing in his bones, taunting him with how right they were. Michael felt stupid, like he’d been tricked into thinking this meant something, when Alex could just leave. Except, he didn’t think he’d really been tricked, he thought they were both drowning, both reaching out for something to keep them afloat. The issue was that thing for Michael was Alex, but for Alex, it wasn’t Michael.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said, pleading, but trying to make his voice sound certain. Michael had been so sure, so sure, that telling Alex was the right thing; so sure that they were something different, that this was the first time in his life he wouldn’t be left behind. He hated himself for thinking that, for getting his goddamn hopes up.

“Grow up, Guerin,” Alex said sharply. Then he sighed, and when he looked back up at Michael he looked sad, regretful. But not enough to change anything. “I should go.” He slid off of the truck and started walking back to his car.

“Alex! Wait!” Michael jumped down into the dirt, taking a few steps forward. He didn’t know if Alex wanted to be followed, and he couldn’t take more steps without the guarantee that he wouldn’t be running after someone who didn’t want to be chased. Alex turned around with his hand on the door of his car and smiled sadly at Michael, waiting for Michael to talk. He could still tell him, but it felt less like sharing a secret and more like throwing everything away for someone who didn’t even give enough of a shit to stay. “When do you leave?”

Alex shook his head. “Soon.”

Michael bit his lip, because he didn’t cry, and he didn’t show weakness, especially to someone who could hurt him. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye,” he said, eventually, and Alex nodded, still smiling that sad, tight smile.

Michael watched him drive away, walking back over to the truck. He’d have to let Max and Isobel know that he hadn’t said anything after all, even if he hated telling them they’d been right. He felt like such an idiot for believing anything other than what they’d known their entire lives—it was just the three of them, and no one else was ever going to know him like Max and Isobel. Michael just had to get used to that.

He slammed his fist against the side of the truck again, closing his eyes. Michael liked the noise it made when he hit the truck, the sympathetic echoing sound of the guitar, filled with the kind of chaos that was inside him. He picked up the guitar, considering it. He’d been so excited to show Alex the trick, and now it just felt stupid, trite and childish. He should be focused on getting himself out of Roswell, and not on what amounted to party tricks.

The thought hung heavily over him, and Michael was suddenly so fucking angry at everything—at Alex, at Max and Isobel, at the whole situation that left him here, alone, like always, but this time for the long run. He wrapped his fist around the fretboard and slammed the stupid stolen guitar against the metal of the truck. Sharp splintering noises that sounded like everything he couldn’t say, as the guitar turned into shards of wood and string, until there was nothing left in his hand, until all Michael was filled with was an empty kind of sadness.

He got back in the truck and drove to Max and Isobel’s house, pausing and then knocking on the door. Isobel answered, looking surprised.

“Everything okay?”

Michael ignored the question. “I didn’t tell him. I just—I wanted you to know that I didn’t do it.”

Isobel looked like she was going to gloat about winning the argument, then she seemed to take in Michael’s appearance, and pulled the door open wider instead. “What happened?”

Michael smiled widely, humorlessly. “You were right. It wasn’t what I thought it was.”

“Want to come in? Mom just served dessert.”

“No ‘I told you so, Michael’?”

She hesitated, then shook her head. “Not this time. Come inside?”

Part of Michael wanted to be anywhere else than inserting himself, unwanted, into their happy family, but the other part knew that anywhere else he would go tonight would end up being worse, would end with him hurt or arrested or blacked out. He probably still would end up there, but at least he could put that off for a few hours.

He nodded, and walked inside with Isobel, and wished that would be enough.

#mgweek20 #guerinweek20 #malex #roswell new mexico #rnm fic #my writing #michael guerin #alex manes #isobel evans #max evans #angst #they're all young and trying their best and still hurting each other #like the very beginning of the lost decade so idk if it counts

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secretradiobrooklyn · 3 years

Text

Secret Radio | 7.24.21, 8.7.21 & etc.

“Better, Better, Back” Secret Radio | 7.24.21, 8.7.21 & etc. | Hear it here.

- Mort Garson - “Plantasia”

1. Jean-Pierre Djeukam - “Africa Iyo” - “Cameroon Garage Funk”

The main musician I think of from Cameroon is Beti-Beti, and this is a whole different thing. Endless props to Analog Africa for providing fiery track after track. This is the sweat from their newest collection!

2. Eyedress - “Jealous”

Paige hears something in this and when I unfocus my eyes I do too. (Literal?) high school skate kids gettin in their shallow feels. I will admit that the chorus “time-time” is killer.

3. Nahid Akthar & Tafo - “Takra We Gutt Bhar Le” (I think)

Nahid Akthar’s voice is so completely bewitching that the amazing arrangements almost sneak by. Tafo is the producer of this track I believe, and the narrative structure of the music is just so confident and encompassing. But then also: man, that VOICE. She’s right up there with Ros Serey Sothea in expressiveness and character.

4. Oruã - “Escola das Roas” - “Sem Bênção / Sem Crença”

My thanks to you, Marc, for pointing this band to us. I have fallen in love with this particular recording, it just gets more thoroughly better with every listen. Calvin Johnson mentioned this band in a recent K newsletter — they’re a Brazilian band who corresponded with Doug Martsch as mutual fans until at some point Doug decided his own band needed replacing and he brought them out as Built to Spill and also as Oruã. This track also has shades of Sonic Youth’s “Master-Dik,” one of my all-time ultra faves. It really hits me in the ’90s, and I rilly want to see how some of this music is performed live.

5. Jacques Dutronc - “Le Responsable”

I’m so thankful to have Jacques Dutronc in my life. His rock songs knock me into gear like nothing else — and the whole band has its own very specific flavor. It kicks!

6. Sleepy Kitty - “Alceste in Silverlake”

At very long last, there is a new Sleepy Kitty album on the way! It’s in line at the record plant as I type this. And this is a song from the perspective of a musician-seeking drummer in LA, crossed with the most brutally honest man in all of France.

7. Sakuran Zensen - “錯乱前戦ロッキンロール” (I Wanna Rock & Roll)

We only knew one song by this band (that we’ve played here) because the video was rad, but I looked to see what else was there and this song is just freakin great with me. The chords are really cool and his vocal delivery is just so over the top it’s impossible not to love. And the guitar solo is basically a full-on tonefest, which I appreciate more than a bunch of flying fingers. The video helps fill in the picture nicely too, I think, though I like the song while not looking at it even more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPCqT3e89SU

- Mort Garson - “Concerto for Philodendron & Pothos”

8. Clothilde - “Fallait pas ècraser la queue du chat”

All hail the French instinct for chamber music instruments as pop instruments, and then as a kind of technicolor weirdness. The orchestration of this song is a work of art in itself, and that doesn’t even account for her self-harmonizing melody. If you haven’t already, picture a brunette bob and deep mascara.

9. Public Service Broadcasting - “Spitfire”

I can’t remember now how I found this music, though I think it might’ve been from Josh’s playlist? This is from 2012, but they have a new album coming out almost exactly a month from now. In Bound Stems Tim and I got really into interlacing snatches of other people’s words into the music we were making, and this is very congruent with that interest. I feel like this song passes tests as it goes.

10. Shocking Blue - “Send Me a Postcard”

I first heard of this band when I was learning everything I could about Nirvana, and I’d heard both versions of “Love Buzz” and knew they were both great, but we only recently caught this track. It’s the bridge between “White Rabbit” and “Territorial Pissings.”

11. Metak - “Tetrapak”

Our favorite Croatian band! Everything about this song is delightful. I feel like if this song was in English I’d probably cringe at the lyrics, but in this format I can only hear how much fun the song is to play. I am one-quarter Croatian, which means I can’t understand any of the lyrics either but I do see little ghosts of myself in the pictures of the band somehow. It’s weird.

12. Katerine - “Louxor J’adore”

-Anything I could say about this song is eclipsed by this excerpt:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD7QuV6f_MA

The performance to the cemetery knocks me out

13. Erkin Koray - “Seni Her Gördügümde”

Whenever we’re listening to Anatolian psych, the songs with the most creative ideas and satisfying riffs and great vocal passages are always Erkin Koray. The four-piece arrangements are so good, and then he doesn’t hesitate to step up with his guitar to narrate a passage. Also, I really like how Turkish rock sounds so Indian and also Arabic and also French.

14. WITCH - “Chifundo”

Zambian prog rock! I haven’t heard anything like this track anywhere else in Africa yet. The thing is, this version of prog includes the exact flavor that Yes totally lacks, and thus I really love listening to this track in a way most prog rock doesn’t hit me. The time switches and the lead part over the top are just so smooth!

15. Ezra Furman - “Psalm 151”

We’ve been listening to a lot of Ezra Furman’s music lately, and it’s only getting better and more engrossing with every listen. We toured with Ezra Furman’s band about 5 years ago and every night was a pleasure. They’re finishing up a new album, which makes this a great time to listen to the others. This entire album, “Transangelic Exodus,” is a masterpiece as far as we’re concerned, and I find myself thinking the whole time too about Tim Sandusky’s production. Tim’s such a home town for us, and to hear his full attention on this album is just such a pleasure.

16. Ralph Stanley - “White Light, White Heat”

It was one of my favorite musical influence moments ever when my dad’s bluegrass band, The Prozac Mtn Boys, played VU’s “What Goes On.” Knowing that there is a recording of one of my dad’s true banjo heroes playing “White Light White Heat” is just an endless blessing. And actually hearing it is even better.

17. Kim Jung Mi - “Ganadaramabasa”

I know basically nothing about this track except that she’s Korean and this is from 1973. She’s got a real Diana Ross thing going on, and her band has a real Supremes vibe too… but it doesn’t sound like one of their songs.

18. Penny Penny - “Yogo Yogo”

We just got this record recently, and based on this track I wouldn’t’ve necessarily pictured the remarkable-looking guy who actually made this music. This is from the album “Shaka Bundu.” I’m sure it’s been cranked up and sent through some great house remixes — how could this not be? — but I like how this tempo operates at its own pace. It’s so truly and thoroughly ’80s, very 20th century. In the 21st century this tempo is practically cerebral.

19. Baris Manço - “Binboganin Kizi”

More Anatolian action. It’s really interesting to me how Turkish stuff was always associated with psych music but I didn’t really know how except for the opium thing, and I now understand that it’s in the chord relationships, well, and a lot of the vocal melody and delivery. In that way, Turkish rock pretty much defines what psych music sounds like. Wow. And check out that keyboard solo, so next level!

20. The Velvet Underground - “Countess from Hong Kong”

People are always asking Beatles or Stones and the answer is Velvet Underground. (And the Beatles, and the Stones.) They were just operating along a different balance beam than those other guys — performing different tricks for a different audience. While the Beatles were defining pop music, the VU were destroying it… but then later, they reveal their deep affinity for Western music, even as they never drop in to the blues-centric reading of it. It’s truly punk. I guess they are to punk what the Beatles are to pop — the definition of pop is whatever flows to or from the Beatles; punk is whatever flows to or from the Velvet Underground. Certainly more than any single band in 1976 or 7 or whatever.

21. Bella Bellow - “Denyigban”

The piano phrase that kicks this song off is surprisingly close to the opening of Bound Stems’ “Appreciation Night.” We got that phrase from the demo mode of Radz’s keyboard, and it’s surreal to hear a high-overlap version in a song from Togo. Her voice is so clean in tone and pitch, and what’s strangest to me is that I register the instrumentation in an almost Disney mode — but then realize that’s because Disney will draw on Caribbean and African elements at times as they establish characters and settings. Such an elegant song though!

22. Rail Band - “Mouodilo”

One of the first insights that got us into WBFF was the realization that James Brown had even more fundamental influence on the music of the world than the Beatles did — certainly in Africa. Hearing how his delivery interrelates with so many bands from all across Africa is such a revelation. This track just keeps winding around you til you can’t hardly live without it.

- Asha Bhosle - “Salma Jarir Jhalak”

All I know about this is that it’s in Bangla and it’s from a movie.

23. Unknown - “Chemirocha” - from “Love Is Love”

Several years ago, when African records looked interesting but we literally didn’t know anything about them, we bought a record called Love Is Love, in part because it was a beautiful cover and in part because the music seemed mysterious and full of possibility. Now, when I go to look for it online, I see no sign — I think it’s just a really small pressing from a… pirate group, I guess one could say? But really I think just hardcore music lovers. Anyway, it has this song “Chemirocha” on it, and there’s a story about this song that is really probably just best to link to because it’s so amazing. I guarantee you will find the information in this article worth your read:

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/chemirocha-how-an-american-country-singer-became-a-kenyan-star

24. Sparks - “Do-Re-Mi”

We’ve known about Sparks, but we’re late to a close listen. We’ve been listening a lot in anticipation of — not the band bio pic but “Annette,” the new film by Carax, one of our favorite directors ever. For that matter: make sure to watch “Holy Motors” by Carax. It’s probably best if you watch “Lovers on a Bridge” before that, but if you have to go straight to “Holy Motors,” dive right in. It’s amazing.

Meanwhile: This take on the Mary Poppins classic is TOO MUCH — I can’t stop smiling at the end, when the bells start tolling over the crashing drums and crescendoing vocal waves as their third finale fades away. How can anyone make this song, the very definition of not-rock, rock so fully?

- Mort Garson - “Ode to an African Violet”

25. Bob Reuter’s Alley Ghost - “She Brought Me to the Wire”

I will forever be glad that we not only landed in a city where we could find out about the person and the works of Bob Reuter, but that we got to know and work with him. Bob Reuter was one of the definitions of St. Louis to us, and when he passed, so did some of that city. But also, he left music and photos and stories in Eleven and chapbooks that I truly hope last forever. He was the hard-living romantic that you hope lives in the heart of every hard-luck case… and in his one instance, it was true. Bless your soul, Bob Reuter.

photos by Bob Reuter from The Pageant and El Leñador

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call-me-merlyn · 3 years

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I found a list of my favorite things you ever said to me. I cried in a way that I haven’t since I was a small child- broken by my parents’ words, mistakes, and anger. I curled my knees to myself and remembered that I can do hard things. I started to wonder where we went wrong. Because my feelings for you never changed. But then I realized that was never the issue. These words I read now ring as true today as they did over the four years you wrote them. But I want them back. I want you back. I want pragmatism and growth. I want to talk about the hard things and work them through. But I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t want to hear it. Because you’re hurt and you want space. So if you stumble upon this blog- the one I told you not to look at all those years ago- I will let a few snippets of your words remind you. Mind you, these are 12 out of about 30.

1. Baby. I want the future with you. It just hit me so hard. I want the visions I have. I want us and I don't see that changing. We are the most beautiful couple I have ever encountered. Not just because we're both convinced the other is drop dead gorgeous, but because I see such magnificent potential in us, together. We are that rare couple that could actually have the dream life that everyone wants and fears is impossible or that they don't deserve it. Health, happiness, adventures, perfect children, successful careers, growth and excitement, cuddles, intellectual stimulation, respect for each other, kisses that leave us breathless, freedom, good friends that we both care about, a lovely home, a dorky dog or five, all the sex we can handle, our families coming together wonderfully, and true fucking love. I want it all with you and I believe that we can have it with all my heart. Ugh I want it and I'm so excited to build towards the future we want. With you. Every damn day, one day at a time.

2. Morning love. To build a home? I'll always like yours more. I'm binging your music this morning. Speaking of songs that make me cry. Night in shining armor? I love that whole analogy. Your words are one of my favorite things about you. I love the music that spills from your lips, whether you're singing or laughing or reading or teasing me. It's all heavenly music to my ears. I'm so proud to be your person, your once and future someone. I love you so much. The dark times have passed baby, you brought the light back into my life.

3. This one's hard to explain. I've never met someone who is such a clean harmony. Your identity, your character, is a beautiful, pure chord. Every interaction I have with you I hear that resonance, and the notes weave together perfectly. That chord resonates with who I am on such a deep level, and I could hear it from the very first moment we interacted. I want to listen to that chord every day, to hear it form your melody, day in and day out. Puzzle out it's layers and listen to you add more. And to play my own song to match yours, to create our own wonderful song in this life.

4. You elicit feeling so well with words, sometimes it makes me feel inadequate

The way you express yourself so effortlessly

Because I've always prided myself on communicating verbally

But it comes pretty effortlessly to me too

Especially when I talk about you

I know I keep coming back to this, I'm sorry

But it resonates so strongly with me

To imagine you as a song, chord, or melody

The way your music weaves with mine

Haunting, ethereal, and divine

You make my eyes and heart shine

With love and affection, at my most painful times

When I can't feel it about myself

You come to my house and put happy memories upon my shelf

I want to show you how much you mean to me

So that you will always see

You are my light

And in the middle of the night

When I roll over and feel your breath

On my neck, I don't fear death

Because a life next to you is a life worth living

The love I have for you is a love worth giving

5. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and to be honest that show really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I bonded it with it so hard, it feels kind of silly in retrospect, but I did. In the episode, the main character runs into the girl who left him at the altar for another man, and they talk about true love and who you choose to be with. And the guy has an open moment about his yearning for that special connection that people find so rarely. That spark between people that's so unique and magical when it occurs. The song Careful by Michelle Featherstone plays in the background. I'm sure you've heard it, and it just pulled at my heartstrings. Maybe listen to it as you read this? Bc I am as I write. It makes me think of you. I've said it before, and the words fall flat, but I'm so damn grateful for you. Every piece of you. The fractals, the perfectly formed little moments of unadulterated Merlyn, that come together to form this perfectly cohesive being of fucking light. You know me. And I don't like to admit that I falter, or that I need help from anyone. It goes against what I've been trained to be by my father, my experiences, and my own cynical nature. Before you walked into my life...I wasn't entirely happy. I was missing something. I could feel it. And it made me ache. I went looking for it everywhere, even though I wasn't sure what it would look like when I found it. But I knew how it would feel. And you... you rescued me. From my own damn self. I'm prone to loneliness for a number of reasons. I'm solitary. I like to be independent. I'm proud. I can be harsh and judgmental. I get exhausted by humanity. I can be very sensitive when I'm vulnerable, and I don't like to give more than a handful of people the power to touch my heart. But since you walked into my life? I don't have to look anymore. I have never felt such constantly genuine, gentle, fierce, and unselfish support from anyone. Not from my parents, not from friends, my cousins, my lovers. No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever been so unyieldingly loving. Every time I have trusted you with more of my heart and my self, you do your absolute best to make me feel valued and loved. No matter how that best manifested, I have always felt your effort. You are always careful with my heart. I used to carry around this utter, soul crushing feeling that I missed someone. Someone vital. But there was no one to miss. And I didn't know where to direct that desire for connection. I got lonely because I wanted someones company...that I didn't know. But since I met you, I haven't felt that even once. I have only rarely felt lonely, and even in those moments, it was because I fucking missed YOU. Your laugh, your touch, our connection. And that's such a revelation to me. To know the face of the person I feel I've been missing all this time. It's been you. I love you, Merlyn. You are an unparalleled treasure to me.

6. God damn it Merlyn, I have so much love for you. I'm so lucky to have you, the thought of losing you is a nightmare. I want late night quesadillas and then to push each other to eat right. I want to scoff at each other's baby names until we get to ones we both love. I want to be your shoulder to lean on, cry on, or try to dislocate with a kimura. I want yours to be the same for me (maybe without the kimura bit?) I want to sing duets with you and write stories on lazy Sunday afternoons. I want to make you grin and I want to make you bite your lip. I want to hear your breathing every night when I go to sleep. I want to put Tristan on my shoulders, have a debate with Chris, try to get your cat to like me. I want you to cuddle into me and let me hold you at night even when I get hot because you're the most precious fucking thing in the world to me. I want you to train with my dad and shop with my mom. I want to get drinks with your mom and laugh at your dad's dirty jokes. I want to travel with you, go jet skiing on tropical islands and throw snowballs at each other in the mountains. I want to walk around crowded cities with you until I get too anxious but you tell me to chill out and stop being such a baby about it. I want to hear my daughter call you mother. I want to see you spin like you did when I first walked you home. Nothing brings me more joy than the thought of sharing the little moments, the big moments, and everything in between with you. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that future for me. I love you with all that I am. Count on it.

7. I just read all your words top to bottom and they hit me hard. I've been looking at them as bits and pieces. One day, one note at a time, not a tapestry. All together in one sitting, I can just feel where your heart was, and maybe still is. I hope it still is in some ways, because I've never been loved like how you love me. Not with such admiration or surety. I've never been wanted the way you want me. It makes me feel simultaneously unworthy and determined to live up to your love. It breaks me to feel the pain in your pen strokes. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fend away anything that would ever make you cry. I hate myself sometimes for making you cry. It breaks me every time, a corruption of my purpose. Every time, to read the simple words "today was hard..." It rips me apart. I love, live to see you smile. To laugh with you. To make music with you, whatever the form. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my darling. It's never my intention. You are my most precious gift, and words fall short of expressing the breadth and complexity of my feelings for you. They boil down to what you've written over and over again though: I want this life with you. I want all the complications, all the routine days, all the late night phone calls, and the adventures. I want to walk around knowing we have the same last name. I want you. Endlessly I want you. I wish I could pull a fragment of that feeling out of my chest and give it to you just so that you'd understand. God I miss you. I love you. You are my partner, and I hope that stays true for the rest of our lives. I can't say it enough. You are everything to me. I want you to express every part of you, never stop, because I love them all. Every mellifluous note in your melodies, every word of poetry in your fascinating mind, every fierce moment on the mat, every tear that falls in your fragile, vulnerable moments. I want to be there. To give you love and to be the best partner I can be. For you. God I can never say enough

8. Kay I'm heading to bed so gonna write this out. It's difficult. Love defies definition by its very nature. Which is a paradoxical statement right out the gate but whatever. I started writing my response in a philosophical approach but it didn't feel right. There's no need to ramble about Forms or essence or any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. All that matters is how you opened my eyes. I used to think that love was about passion above and to the detriment of everything else. I used to think that love and pain were joined at the hip, inseparable. I used to fear that love was a curse, a burden, a surrender. I used to think that to fall for someone was a trap, and that you were taking a terrible gamble by giving someone the power to destroy you. I used to think that relationships were ropes and that love was a noose. I used to think that love was jealous, demanding, forceful, combative. I used to think that love was sporadic and messy. I used to think that there was no true, sustainable happiness to be found. You've turned it all around. Hell, you've upended the board and thrown away the rulebook. You've shown me that love is a balance of passion and choice, that they should play off each other build each other up. One is useless without the other. Passion will burn you out, but so too can you drown going through the motions. I've been through both. You're the only one that has struck the balance with me. You've shown me that the only necessary pains from love are the growing pains. I've been given and dealt horrible wounds, been through wars. Our relationship is the only one in which both parties can put their weapons down. You've shown me that love is a tank of oxygen when you're drowning, a shoulder to lean on, an investment. Trusting you with my heart has liberated and empowered me. I believe that trusting me with yours has done the same for you. We use that understanding of each other to lend strength, to give joy, to protect. You've shown me that relationships are lanterns and that love is the sun. You lit up my world. You've shown me that love is generous, thoughtful, gentle, supportive. You've shown me that it's steady and pure. You've shown me that happily ever after isn't just in storybooks. It's attainable. We have an obligation to chase it. We've been given a gift. And I will be grateful for it for the rest of my life. I will cherish it. I will cherish you. You've given me everything. You are my true love. Goodnight I hope you sleep well

9. Darling, gorge yourself on my love

I pray to God that it’s enough

To fill you up and keep us above

The water line of that rising slough

Darling, gorge yourself on my heart

I pray to God it’s what you need

Ignore the pain in the darker part

Come home again to me to feed

Darling, gorge yourself on my mind

I pray to God it’s what you want

Those angry echoes you may find

Don’t let them drive you from this haunt

Darling gorge yourself on me

I pray to God I’m what you crave

I know I’m flawed but I can be

The one who saves you, the one you save

Oh darling, I’ll gorge myself on you

On your mind and body, heart and soul

So darling, gorge yourself on me too

To keep us human, keep us whole

10. I want us to be tethered by the sea, to back each other to the hilt, to paint the walls red with love, to get lost in the light. Baby I promise I will take true care of you, tell you that some things last, and know you better than your piano. Because you found me. You came out of nowhere, you made me fall in love with a single touch, and this ain't a haunted house no more. I can't take my mind off of you. Only you can help me to forget the terror that comes and goes in waves. You keep me warm, and I know that all will be well and we'll be just fine. So don't give up love. Three more months, flyin your way home to me. We'll be inches apart and even closer at heart. So send me your location, cause I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Put your eyes on me, and I know a place that we can get away. Say you won't let go, tell me it's real, and let's go somewhere only we know. We won't need to take our clothes off to have a good time, but I'll get the lights and you lock the door, cuz we won't leave that room til we both feel more. Cause I see it all without the lights. No one will ever see you the way my eyes do. You are something to behold. Elegant and bold, you are unforgettable. You are the fire and the flood. Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I never wanted anything so much as to drown in your love. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I feel life for the very first time: love in my arms and the sun in my eyes. Ohh I fall apart, and I can't help falling in love with you. I still can't believe that I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. At (college). I made a fumbling play for your heart, and the act struck a spark. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and beyond. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to you and go straight into your arms. I'm in love with all that you are.

11. You always wonder about the future. What makes you different from the others. There are infinite answers, but some of the biggest ones are that..you make me understand and feel things that people always say but never mean. Until you, I've never truly wanted all of someone. And I mean it when I say I want ALL of you. I am in love with every inch of you, every word that comes out of your mouth, every little habit, every quirk. I have wanted every piece of you in every moment that I've known you without fail. I have never adored anyone or anything so much. You are perfection to me. In the truest sense of the word baby. You make the cliches make sense. You make them feel not cliche. It's incredible. You make sense in my bones. I am so in love with you. I can picture nothing more glorious than a life with you. That's how I know you're the one. Because it's obvious. And when it's right, it should just he obvious. Easiest choice in the world.

12 Goodnight ____. I hope you sleep well. I really enjoyed hanging out and listening to you play tonight. I know you were half joking about how I should be paying you compliments, but your music abilities really are such a gift. It always makes me happy when you use them. You get this energy about you that’s so wonderful to see. I’m listening to your soundcloud stuff again now. Been a while since I’ve done that, haven’t had access to the account for a bit. I wish you had more of your stuff on here. It’s all so lovely. It always makes me think about us. You don’t seem to care for it much, but especially To My Future Someone. I hope I live up to all you dreamt I’d be when you wrote those words. I hope to the gods I’m the one you sang about. Because you are everything I ever wanted in a true love, and more. Things that I didn’t even know I needed. You’ve made me a kinder, much more grateful man. And a happier soul. You deserve the best in this world, and I’ll always do my utmost to be him. I’m so in love with you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, my light. Sweet dreams.

When did the thought of losing me stop being a nightmare? Because the hurt was never more than this. Never more than this love. You said in another snippet that you’d do anything to be the person I built a home with; you’d do your best to be the my person and to never hurt me. But you don’t want to be with me. And you chose your nightmare over your dreams. And I still choose you. I still chose you every second of every fucking day. It was my nightmare too and I’m living it.

But, I’m changing. I’m harder now. The tears don’t fall quite as easily as they used to. And at least I know who I am now. I am a warrior. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am new. Don’t think 8 weeks can change someone?? Come see me again. I’ll show you exactly who I’m not anymore. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you.

And if you want to lose these words and this love, so be it. I won’t fight you. I won’t fear you or that anymore. I don’t want to be the only one fighting. I can’t. And I won’t be afraid of my worst nightmares because they have come true and even though I pray I won’t lose you, nothing in this life is certain. If you don’t want to fight, I will be someone else’s light someday. And I will shine unashamed; unabashed; strong and sure. I will bring beautiful children, music, and love into the world. But until then, I’ll be my own light, and set my darkness aflame every morning, just as I have since the day you left. After all, there’s not much darkness left anymore.

#journalentry #long reads #personal entry

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scxrlettwxtches · 5 years

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the red notebook | han jisung

Genre: fluff, minor angst, (fairly platonic) pre-idol!jisung x reader

Warnings: none!

Word Count: +9.6k

Description: In retrospect, Han Jisung and you shouldn't have made a good pair of friends. Your personalities clashed 24/7, you thought he was too driven, and he thought you were too unmotivated. You thought he was arrogant, and he thought you were childish. No science could explain why the two of you spent two, inseparable years as friends. There was, however, one and only one interest that the two of you shared, and that was a deep, insatiable obsession for music.

Author’s Note: a totally inaccurate, self-indulgent drabble that turned into a monster. i know this is practically 99% made up, but i hope people enjoy hahaha. as always, my ask box is always open if anyone wants to chat! love y’all!

In retrospect, Han Jisung and you shouldn't have made a good pair of friends. Your personalities clashed 24/7, you thought he was too driven, and he thought you were too unmotivated. You thought he was arrogant, and he thought you were childish. No science could explain why the two of you spent two, inseparable years as friends.

There was, however, one and only one interest that the two of you shared, and that was a deep, insatiable obsession for music.

Han Jisung was a grade above you when you entered his school as a new student. You had just moved to Malaysia with your family a month ago, and everything was unfamiliar to you. Everyone seemed to know each other, everyone already seemed to have their own group of friends, and what did you have? A crippling social anxiety.

Still, just because you hated making new friends didn’t mean that you were incapable of getting some juicy tea about some of the students at the school, and one of which was a very intriguing boy from the grade above you. He lived in your neighborhood, and everyone knew him as the music junkie. A boy that spent his free time writing lyrics or making dumb beats on his laptop. Well, everyone else thought it was dumb.

You had heard that he was a fairly popular guy in school, especially since he wasn’t that bad looking either, but when you spotted him during lunch break on the second week of school, sitting at an empty table with nothing but his notebook and his computer to keep him company, you wondered if he was only really popular because he was handsome and cracked jokes during class.

Steeling your nerves, you stalked right up to him, the textbooks for your next class clutched to your chest as you tried your best to introduce yourself nicely.

“Is that Audacity?”

Wait—crap, you were supposed to introduce yourself first.

The boy must’ve been totally immersed in whatever he was doing, because he shrieked rather pathetically as he whipped around, his hands unconsciously forming tiny fists. Realizing it was just you, a girl who probably looked far younger than her age, he raised his eyebrows questioningly,

“Uh, you are—“

“Y/N,” you replied stiffly, awkwardness flooding through your bones.

“Okay,” he said slowly, probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you, “Well, I’m—“

“Han Jisung,” you interrupted, before cringing inwardly. Great, now he thinks you’re a stalker.

Jisung looked surprised for a moment before he smirked, “I guess I’m popular, huh?”

Oh, so he’s a little bit of an arrogant asshole too.

“Whatever,” you muttered, pink tinging your cheeks. So, introducing yourself nicely has literally gone down the drain, and now you were debating whether this boy was really worth your time.

“Um—was there something you needed?” Jisung sounded a tad bit annoyed at this point as he gestured to his computer, “If not, I’m kinda in the middle of something and—“

“That’s Audacity, right?” You asked again, staring at the software.

Jisung narrowed his eyes, “Yeah. You’re probably the first person that actually knows what this is.”

You shrugged, a little embarrassed but God knows you’re not going to let Jisung know that, “Well, I have it on my computer too, so of course I know what it is.”

That stopped Jisung, and he swung around to look at you, to really look at you. It was totally different to the minuscule amount of attention he was giving you before. His eyes were piercing and intimidating, too intimidating for any middle schooler and you struggled not to avert your own gaze.

“You write music?” He asked suspiciously, looking at you up and down as if questioning your credibility.

Defensive, you answered rather hotly, pulling your books even closer to your chest, “Yeah, I do.”

“Do you write lyrics or just produce beats?”

“I write lyrics and I write down the chords that I want them to go with, but I don’t know how to translate that into computer software,” you took a deep breath as you finally mustered up the courage to ask what you had been wanting to ask since you marched up to him thoughtlessly.

“I want you to teach me how to produce beats on the computer.”

Jisung looked startled, as if the notion of him being a teacher was just unthinkable (which it was, kinda). If there was anyone else, you wouldn’t have come to him, but you didn’t know anyone that wrote music. You didn’t even know anyone in your school in general.

Finally collecting his thoughts, he smiled confidently, “Maybe I’d consider if you ask nicely.”

You seethed, and 85% of you was totally ready to flip him off and just march away, but your feet stayed planted to the floor. You needed this. You needed him. You’ve been struggling for months to figure out how to work the program, losing sleep as you curled under your blanket with your computer lighting up the darkness.

“Could you please teach me how to make beats on the computer?” You asked, honey dripping from your tone.

Jisung grinned, shutting his computer with a snap and grabbing his notebook from the table. He stood up, towering over you like a predator to its prey.

“I’ll think about it, kiddo,” he said smugly, before promptly walking away, leaving you angry and feeling utterly cheated.

The bell rang for classes to start again, and you rushed to your next classroom. The school day came and went in a flash. You never had any interest in doing well in school, and besides, things came fairly easily for you. As long as your grades weren’t abysmal enough that your parents took notice, they never paid attention.

As you walked down the hallway to go home, you had convinced yourself that you should just forget it, forget about that stupid Han Jisung and that stupid smile, when you felt a hand ruffle your hair roughly.

“Meet me at that cafe around the corner in fifteen,” a voice muttered in your ear, far too close for comfort.

Whipping around, you backed away instinctively, “What for?”

Jisung rolled his eyes, “You said you wanted to learn how to make beats, right? We could just get it done today.”

A sharp voice called out Jisung’s name, and his attention was pulled away from you easily. Before you could even respond, he skipped away from you to join a group of boys waiting for him at the door.

ii.

Fifteen minutes?

Fifteen minutes your ass.

Your foot tapped the floor impatiently as you checked the time on your phone. Your face burned with embarrassment because you probably just got stood up for the first time in your life, and this wasn’t even a goddamn date. The music software was pathetically open on your computer, untouched.

The coffee you ordered tasted even more bitter than it should, and with your emotions running high, you pulled out a worn-down red notebook and began scribbling. They could’ve been potential lyrics or whatever, but in that moment, they were just the angry, embarrassed thoughts going through your head.

You were writing so ferociously that you didn’t even notice Jisung standing beside your table, holding a tray with his cup of coffee and a slice of cake. He cleared his throat, and your heart skipped a beat, your hand slamming the notebook shut.

Jisung gave you a strange look, placing his food on the table and sitting across from you. Hoping to make him forget the notebook, you shoved it back in your bag as you said harshly, “You’re late.”

“It’s been twenty minutes,” Jisung retorted, “I’m literally only five minutes late, and don’t forget, kiddo, you’re the one asking for my help.”

He was right, sadly, and you decided to hold your tongue for the rest of the time, because you really did need his help.

Pulling out his own computer, he opened the software as he began warily, “So, what did you need help on?”

“The interface,” you answered instantly, the cheeky attitude dropping, “I just don’t know how to organize and put sounds together.”

Jisung was a surprisingly good teacher, you learned that day. He explained everything thoroughly, making sure that you understood what each component was for before moving on to the next thing. Eventually, you ended up changing your seating arrangement for better convenience, the two of you sitting beside each other instead of across.

After what felt like hours of learning (it was only 45 minutes, actually), Jisung leaned back on the cafe couch, stretching lazily. Still, he was pretty focused on your learning, so he glanced at you as he asked, “You get it?”

Without tearing your eyes away from your computer screen, hands moving to get accustomed to the newly learned controls of the music software, you replied quietly, “Yeah, I think I got it.”

“Great!” Jisung stood up abruptly, causing you to flinch. He reached for his backpack from behind you, swinging it over your hunched form. You averted your eyes from his face, making sure your hair blocked his view as you muttered a hasty “thank you” and a (hopefully) casual “goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Jisung sounded genuinely a little hurt, “After all that time I spent on you, you’re telling me to leave?”

Surprised, you finally turned to glance at him, your eyes widening in confusion, “B-but I thought you were leaving? You grabbed your bag and stuff.”

For the first time since you met him, Jisung laughed, not those mocking chuckles, but those laughs that would make anyone feel important and appreciated, “Sorry, kiddo, but you’re not getting away from me so soon. I was just going to grab myself another slice of cheesecake. While I get food, make something for me to listen to when I’m back.”

“What?” You spluttered indignantly, “You want me to write something in five minutes?”

“Well, maybe if the line is long, which it doesn’t seem like it is, you’ll get ten,” Jisung slinked out of the booth from behind you, and gave you another aggressive hair ruffle.

“Stupid Jisung and his stupid expectations,” you muttered furiously, as you put your headphones on and your hands began using the software instinctively, relying on your ear to chose sounds, “It’s not my problem that you’re literally too talented to set realistic goals for actual humans.”

Despite all your complaining, your ears worked on overdrive to finish the track, because there was no way you’d let Jisung hold this over you. There was no planning time, and you just worked and worked until Jisung returned with a new plate of dessert.

“Alright, times’ up!” Jisung grinned triumphantly sitting in the seat across from you once more, but not before yanking the headphones off you abruptly.

Scowling, you rotated your computer to face his side and crossed your arms, agitated that you weren’t given enough time to create anything even remotely decent, “I really don’t get the point of this exercise.”

Jisung brushed off your frustrations, “Trust in your sensei,” he said sagely as he put his headphones on, “This was just to make sure you understood the things I taught you, but in real time.”

The smile disappeared the moment he pressed play, replacing it with a look of utter concentration. You were unnerved, because why was Jisung listening to your five minute produced track like it was the title song to his first album or something? He didn’t say a word or crack a smile as he listened, as if forgetting the world around him.

The song must’ve finished minutes ago, you thought, looking at the time. There was no way the track was longer than two minutes, given the short time you were given to produce it. However, Jisung had been inspecting your work for seven minutes now.

At long last, he pulled the headphones off, silently and serious, so unlike Jisung. Slowly, he asked, “You made that in five minutes?”

You flinched, lowering your gaze, “The old lady before you took extra time, so maybe it was six minutes.”

Jisung let out a barking laugh, “Where did all that early bravado from lunchtime go? This is pretty impressive actually!”

“What?” Your jaw went slack, “I-it’s a two minute track with almost no clear direction.”

“True, but it’s got a crazy amount of potential,” he turned the computer back to you, the compliments spilling out from him so much so that you worried Jisung might’ve been possessed by his cheesecake, “Your bass line can adapt to almost any type of melody, and in the other instrumentations, I can already hear what you have in mind.”

Jisung’s eyes sparkled as he looked at you with intrigue, stabbing at his cheesecake with abandon.

“Ya know, kiddo, you’ve got good ears for this.”

iii.

“What’s in the notebook?” Jisung asked one day while the two of you camped out in the usual cafe near the school. Ever since the first cafe meetup, it had become a normal routine for the two of you to hang out there on Fridays, sometimes even staying there until closing time.

“Hmm?” You answered absentmindedly, paying attention to the beats playing in your right earphone.

Jisung huffed in annoyance, reaching across the table to pull your earphone out, “I said,” he emphasized, “what’s in that red notebook that you carry everywhere?”

“Not much,” you said, averting your eyes, “It’s just where I write down random thoughts and lyrics, I guess.”

“Lyrics?” Jisung’s eyes sparkled again with that familiar glow, “Can I read them?”

“No.”

It was your typical answer, and to emphasize that you weren’t interested in carrying on the conversation, you moved to put your earphones back on, but Jisung grabbed your hands, keeping them down.

“You never let me listen or read your lyrics,” he complained.

“They’re not good yet.”

“That’s total bullshit, kiddo,” Jisung had lost all censoring after the first few meetups, and you quickly learned that this boy had the mouth of a sailor. As cool as it was supposed to be, you just thought it was silly, not that you told him, “They don’t have to be perfect, it’s just good to show people!”

“Sounds tempting, but I’ll pass,” you slipped your hands out of Jisung’s grasp, and whined tiredly, “Let me finish this track, meanie.”

However, Jisung wasn’t ready to let this slide just yet, “What’s in there that’s so secretive? Love songs to a guy from school?” His voice crooned, and his teasing tone just set you off the wrong way.

“No, go away.”

“Does kiddo have a crush?”

“Shut up.”

“Gonna slip love song lyrics in his locker—”

“Stop it!” your voice cracked slightly as you snapped, and Jisung almost reeled back from surprise. Underneath your childish tone, your voice was tinged with a terrified plea, and he honestly hadn’t expected that kind of reaction.

People had begun to give the two of you strange glances, and you bowed your head to some of the other customers in apology before turning back to face Jisung. When you finally looked at him, your eyes had lost their normal youth and were replaced with those of a tired, hurt, and scared girl.

“It’s none of your business, Jisung,” you said quietly, and stuffed your earbuds in, very conspicuously turning up the volume so that Jisung could see.

Jisung relented, and didn’t mention the notebook for the rest of the night. Still, as he walked home alone after dropping you off at your apartment, he found his mind constantly wandering to the little, red notebook that buried itself in your book-bag and all the secrets it must’ve carried.

iv.

“What do you think about the idea of auditioning for entertainment companies in Korea?”

You eyed Jisung warily as he lay sprawled on your bed. Over time, the two of you had moved your producing sessions from the cafe to the comfort of your homes. It was much more comfortable to make beats in your sweaters and sweatpants anyway.

“Depends whether it’s a rhetorical question or not.”

Jisung frowned, lifting up his head to look at you, “What’s ‘rhetorical’?”

“‘Rhe-to-ri-cal’,” you enunciated a little clearer as you explained, “It means that you’re just asking for fun, and you aren’t being serious.”

“What if I was being serious?” Jisung asked, more quietly this time, and you finally caught on that this was something he had probably been thinking about for a while, which meant that this was very important. Jisung never stayed on the same idea or topic for long, his hyperactive brain traveling a mile a minute every second of the day.

Closing your laptop gently, you spun around in your swivel chair to face your bed, “Okay, what’s going on, Ji-Ji?”

The boy groaned, burying his head in your pillow, “Don’t call me that, oh my god,” he said, but you could tell even from his muffled voice that he actually relished it to a certain extent. At least, he had seemed pleased the first time it had slipped out of your mouth.

“You know you like it,” you retorted, “And you still haven’t answered my question.”

Jisung looked thoughtful for a long, quiet moment, and you wondered whether he was really going to tell you. Despite having known each other for a couple months now and spending quite a lot of your waking hours together buried in whatever track you two were working on, you were aware that Jisung hasn’t really told you much about himself. He also had a hard time expressing his thoughts, something that he and you shared.

Finally, he spoke again, calm and firm, “I want to go back to Korea and audition for entertainment companies.”

You were hardly surprised at that point, only very curious, “Why?”

“To be honest, I’ve always wanted to,” Jisung admitted, “I want to become a Korean singer and have my music listened to all over the world. It’s been my dream since before I came to Malaysia.”

“I see.”

Jisung sensed your lack of enthusiasm and licked his lips, “Do you,” he started, and under his pretense of confidence, you could hear the doubt in his voice, “do you think it’s crazy, too?”

You knew what he was trying to ask. He wanted to know whether you thought he’d be good enough. He wanted to know whether you thought he had a chance of making it.

“No, I don’t think it’s crazy,” you replied truthfully, “I think you're really talented, and if you worked hard, I’m certain you can make it, Jisung.”

It was obvious that Jisung had not received this type of response before, cause he just stared at you with his mouth open in surprise. His eyes were bright with an emotion you couldn’t quite discern, but you figured it was something close to gratitude.

Turning away, because you weren’t used to Jisung giving you a look like that, you asked, “Do you have companies in mind?”

“Cube, YG, SM, all the usual ones,” he answered, “and JYP.”

“When you make it big, please tell Kim Hyuna that I love her,” you teased, swinging back to open your computer.

Jisung snorted, “Oh, please. I’ll tell her that you watch her fancams during study period when you’re supposed to be—I don’t know, studying.”

“Are you spying on me? I usually am studying,” you exclaimed hotly, mildly offended because Jisung had never once mentioned that he’d been keeping watch on you at school.

“Yeah, studying her—“

Shrieking, you hurled your chair cushion at Jisung, who deflected it with his feet easily, and the somber conversation from before was seemingly forgotten. Still, as you leapt onto the bed to continuously pummel your friend, the underlying words that neither of you mentioned seeped into your head and squeezed at your heart.

If Jisung succeeds in Korea, he’d never come back.

“How was it? Tell me everything, kiddo.”

Jisung put down his makeshift mic (a spoon) and paused the music on his computer. You were frowning contemplatively, your brow furrowed as you had just listened to Jisung’s performance with utmost concentration. Now nearing the audition dates, Jisung had chosen you (without consent) as his weekly judge, forcing you to watch him perform the same song over and over until the melody made you feel physically sick.

“It’s definitely cleaner than last week,” you said tiredly, but you tried your best to give him critique that was actually helpful, “and your breath control is a lot better, but sometimes you still get too excited and forget to take breaths where you should.”

You watched as Jisung’s brain processed everything that you were saying, “What about pronunciation, clarity?” Jisung continued to pester, not at all satisfied with his performance until he was certain it was perfect.

You sighed, “As much as I want to help you on that, I must remind you that I can’t speak Korean.”

It was a normal occurrence that Jisung would accidentally switch languages on you mid-sentence, momentarily forgetting that you have no idea what he was talking about. This was especially tiring ever since Jisung started running through his audition songs for you, which were all in Korean.

Jisung frowned, “Why don’t you just learn Korean?” He asked, as if it were the most obvious solution to your problem.

“That’s a great idea, Jisung,” you said unenthusiastically, “I’m sure I’ll be fluent by next week, don’t you worry.”

“I’m serious,” he sat down on his bed, where you were also comfortably sprawled on, “How bout we spend like ten minutes whenever we hang out? It’ll be fun if we can talk in a language no one else in school can understand.”

“You don’t even talk to me at school,” you retorted, and you couldn’t hide the twinge of hurt in your voice. Jisung never once acknowledged your existence at school, and sure the two of you lived in very different social circles, but it still stung that you weren’t good enough for him to comfortably be your friend in public.

Jisung had the decency to look a little guilty, “Ah, sorry about that,” he said sheepishly, “I don’t go out of my way to avoid you, kiddo, it’s just that the boys get all suspicious and shit when any of us talk to girls. I’ll try to find you more often, if you want me too.”

Your heart did a flutter, and you hated yourself for it, “Whatever,” you grumbled, but Jisung could tell you were pleased. Seeing that the tension had passed, he made himself comfortable beside you, neither of you saying a word for a while.

“The audition’s in a couple months,” he finally spoke, “Do you think I’ll be ready?”

“Ji, you can sing, rap, and produce music. If you’re not considered ready, I don’t think anyone could be.”

The boy smiled at that, reaching over to ruffle your hair endearingly. It had been a while since he’d done that, and he noticed your hair felt softer than before. New conditioner, maybe?

“I still want to see your lyrics before I leave, though.”

You groaned, rolling onto your stomach to bury your face in an available pillow, “Not again. I already told you that it’s not going to happen.”

“That’s what you think,” Jisung said dramatically, spreading his arms in a grand gesture even though you weren’t even looking at him, “I am aware that you have learned to hide the notebook whenever we hang out, and I’ll make it my life’s mission to steal it from your hands.”

“Knock yourself out. You’ve got about four months,” you replied as dismissively as possible, although you felt uneasy. What if he did find it? There were things that you wrote in there that you absolutely did not want Jisung to read under any circumstance. You didn’t really want anyone to see it, but above all, Jisung was not allowed to even touch the cover.

Jisung grinned, unperturbed, “Better keep watch over that precious notebook, kiddo,” he said before he dropped into a low, playfully threatening tone, “It might just be gone tomorrow.”

interlude.

As determined as Jisung was, he didn’t find your notebook before he got on the plane for Seoul, South Korea. He was all fired up for a couple weeks, snooping around your room anytime you left to get a snack or go to the bathroom, but once the real pressure of the audition began to kick in, he slowly began to forget about his mission. Actually, he began to forget about everything and everyone, closing in on himself until even you were shut out.

You tried, you really did. Jisung also tried, at least in the beginning. He started talking to you at school, just casual small talk as you passed in hallways, but it was a start. When he started pulling away, you did your best to “accidentally” bump into him, or remind him about your normal Friday hangouts.

The Friday meetings stayed consistent, only because he needed someone to listen to his audition, but they were filled with tension and anxiety. You found yourself being silently rejected over and over, until even your childish clingy-ness couldn’t get you to stay.

By the time his departure date came around, you struggled to decide whether or not you should send him off at the airport. You guys barely talked at all, only a couple curt text messages here and there, or a brief greeting if you crossed paths. It hurt, because Jisung was your only friend.

It didn’t make things better that you were starting to come to terms with the increased heart rate and pink cheeks symptoms that strangely only emerged when you were around him.

In the end, you didn’t go. You didn’t go to the airport. You didn’t even walk down the street to his house to say a quick goodbye. Instead, all you did was send him a polite “have a safe flight,” and watched as his flight time came and went, knowing that Jisung would probably never return.

vi.

Ten months.

It was a long, arduous ten months before Jisung was finally able to catch a break and get back on a plane to Malaysia. He has faced nothing but stress, stress, and more stress. He missed his family. He was tired.

Still, he hasn’t given up, though.

Over the last couple months, he had auditioned to almost all the companies that he had wanted to, and he was just waiting for some more results before he made a decision. He had already gotten into a couple, but he didn’t want to commit before he had a better idea about his options.

Before he auditioned anywhere, he joined a music school, just to get an idea of where he stood as a musician, and while he wasn’t the lowest of the low, he wasn’t as high as he wanted to be. So he worked hard. He learned from everyone and he tried to learn everything. He’s gotten better at writing lyrics, gotten better at singing, gotten better at rapping. Maybe this wasn’t a hopeless dream.

Jisung was welcomed back warmly, and his parents were ecstatic to see him home. He could tell they were ever so slightly bitter when he revealed that he had been successful, that he had gotten offers from companies and he had kept his side of the bargain, but overall, they were very proud of him.

After spending ample time with his family, he looked out and seeing that the sky wasn’t completely dark yet, he figured it would be nice to have a quick walk. Excusing himself, he grabbed his thin jacket and stepped outside.

He still remembered the streets by heart, but oddly so, probably cause he hasn’t walked them for months. They were relatively empty, and he stopped suddenly as his eyes fell on the familiar cafe. A pang of nostalgia hit as he remembered his time there with you, teaching you how to make beats while eating an unhealthy amount of cheesecake.

As he was stuck down memory lane, he heard the bell on the door ring as a girl stepped out of the cafe. The figure looked oddly familiar, and as she turned to walk down the street, he caught sight of the curvature of your lips and jolted.

Without thinking, he lunged towards you and grabbed the sleeve of your denim jacket. Alarmed, you whipped around, your defensive position stopping short as your eyes lit up with recognition.

“Y/N,” Jisung found himself sighing, the feeling of missing you washing over him like a wave.

You looked just as surprised to see him, your eyes wide with shock and your arm growing slack, “Jisung,” you breathed incredulously.

The dreamlike moment ended as he cleared his throat, letting go over your sleeve quickly, “It’s—uh, it’s good to see you again,” he said awkwardly.

Jisung watched as the surprise died in your eyes and you lowered your arms, placing them in front of you, “It’s good to see you too, Jisung,” you said plainly, and he felt a sting as he heard a distinct lack of excitement in your voice. There was a certain calmness, a placidness that was so unlike you.

“What were you doing here?” Jisung gestured to the cafe, “We never used to come on weekends.”

“I’ve actually started to come here quite often,” you replied, “It’s a nice place to get work done.”

This was so strange to him. There was no childlike hyperness, only a calm front, your unbreakable facade. Your hands no longer moved around like they had no place to go, they were calmly by your side. Jisung couldn’t help but be desperately curious.

“Do you want to go back in?” his mouth worked before his brain as he invited you, “I know you just left, but maybe we can grab some cheesecake and catch up? My treat, of course.”

You were going to decline, Jisung could see it in your stiffened posture and the way your eyes grew guarded. But by some miracle, you relaxed imperceptibly and nodded, “Sure.”

The old lady that ran the cafe was ecstatic to see Jisung again. After a tight hug and a pinch on the cheeks, she ushered the two of you into your normal booth, gushing excitedly (“Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the two of you together! Let me get you two a slice of cheesecake. Don’t even think about paying, dear, it’s on the house.”)

Now, Jisung and you were back where you were 10 months ago, sitting across from each other in a comfortable booth. Jisung shuffled around awkwardly, watching as you sat across from him perfectly still, as if waiting for him to start.

Seeing you in a well lit location, Jisung could finally look at you closely for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Your hair had grown, and you no longer put it up in the careless bun that had stray ends sticking all over the place. You had lost some of the baby fat in your cheeks, and although you still had no interest in makeup, Jisung noticed a tinge of lip gloss.

You must’ve noticed him staring, because you raised your eyebrows expectantly, and Jisung hastily clambered to say something, “Um, how’s music? Are you still writing?”

Of course, your conversations always led to music one way or another, and you couldn’t help the small smile on your face as you replied, “Yup, I saved up to get a better software, though.”

“Same!” Jisung said happily, only stopping as he thanked the old lady, who had arrived with cheesecake, “Although, my music school provided it for me.”

“Music school, huh,” you smirked, “So I’m guessing Korea has been treating you well.”

Jisung flushed a little pink, scratching the back of his neck, “Well, it definitely could’ve gone a lot worse.”

“How were auditions?”

“I think they went well.”

“Oh, thank god,” Jisung’s heart did a weird flip as you rolled your eyes playfully, your old personality peeking through again, “After the billion times you made me listen to you perform it, I’d be so mad if it didn’t work out.”

Jisung finally found it in him to laugh, because the tension was clearing and maybe things could go back to the way they were, “Don’t you have any faith in me at all?”

“Never did, never will,” you said, but your smile told him otherwise. You’d always had his back, even when he didn’t believe in himself. No one else would’ve agreed to listen to his audition song over and over if they didn’t have faith.

“Anyways,” Jisung stabbed at his cheesecake eagerly, “made any beats recently? Would love to hear them.”

You grinned, your eyes gaining the old sparkle that only came out when you talked about producing, “I was actually working on it when I was here earlier. Want to listen?”

“Oh, hell yeah!”

As usual, Jisung’s smile vanished the moment the music played in his (or yours, since he borrowed them) headphones. He lost himself in your music, the way you structured the rhythm, the way you shaped the drop. It was incredible, and miles better since he’d last heard anything you’d made.

“Amazing,” he whispered, “How did you get this much better in ten months?”

“Maybe I’m just talented,” you replied cheekily, and Jisung felt a smile creep on his face when he froze. Did you just—

Jisung pulled off his headphones, eyes wide, “Did—did you just speak Korean?”

You shrugged, although the look in your eyes was triumphant.

“H-how? What?” He didn’t even know where to start. You were learning the basics when he’d left, he knew because you were still struggling to say simple phrases.

“The Duolingo owl is pretty scary,” you explained simply, as if that was the sole reason for your insane fluency.

“You learned Korean, for what?” Jisung asked.

Shrugging again, but also averting your eyes, you answered, “You told me to do it, right? It was just something I wanted to try in my spare time.”

Jisung didn’t know what to say after, but he knew in his heart that it wasn’t the full story.

vii.

Eventually, the two of you talked until the cafe closed, and it seemed like you had forgiven Jisung for...well, whatever you were angry about. Knowing that there was much more to catch up on, you invited Jisung over to keep chatting in the comfort of your home.

As he’d stepped into your room, he picked up a clutter of papers that lay disheveled on your desk. Frowning as he did his best to read the English text, Jisung gasped, “These are music competitions!”

You whipped around, obviously having forgotten that the papers were on your desk, “Yeah,” you laughed rather stiffly, “There are these production competitions where you send in your work and get money or scholarships when you win.”

Jisung wriggled his eyebrows at you suggestively, “So I suspect you’re rich now?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” you rolled your eyes, “I didn’t win anything.”

That took Jisung aback. As much as he was joking when he’d asked whether you were rich, he genuinely believed that your tracks were good, really good. There was no way you haven’t gotten anything, especially looking at the amount of competitions that were listed on your desk.

“But—” he stumbled over his words, “your work is so good! You could’ve sent any track you made from ten months ago and it would still get something!”

You shrugged, “Competitions are funny, I guess,” your expression was unreadable, and for a moment, Jisung grew concerned again. What had happened while he was gone?

“Anyways,” you said, trying to bring the mood up, “tell me all about Korea! Did you tell Hyuna that I love her?”

Jisung was still suspicious, but he decided to take your bait and change topics. The two of you eventually sprawled on the bed as Jisung continued ranting about his rap lessons, his audition experiences, transition back to Korean culture. You seemed to happily follow whatever tangents he went on, glad that the attention was no longer on you.

Hours flew by, and before either of you knew, it was passing midnight. Jisung didn’t feel the fatigue, with jet lag still going strong, but your eyes were growing heavier by the minute.

“And I passed this guy who was doing stretches on the side but looked like he was judging everyone and—Y/N?” Jisung stopped short, and taking a closer look, realized that you were fast asleep. He couldn’t even find it in him to be upset, seeing how relaxed you were. Your cheeks puffed out rather adorably, and you looked so much more peaceful than you were when you were awake.

With a small smile, Jisung let you rest, since it seemed as if you haven’t been getting much sleep. He wasn’t a stranger to the dark eye bags and the somewhat pallid-toned skin, and he hoped you weren’t too stressed out.

Sliding off the bed, he decided that he’d go sleep on the couch when a red object sticking out of your bag caught his eye. The worn out red notebook through Jisung back into his past, and he suddenly remembered that promise he had made to himself before he left for Korea.

You know, the one he didn’t fulfill.

Too curious for any amount of guilt to stop him, he quietly slid the book out of your bag, and opened it slowly, turning the pages gingerly as he soaked in the biggest secret you had ever kept from him.

You weren’t lying. It was a lot of random thoughts and blurbs that were obviously written without much planning, just instantaneous ideas that popped in your head. But among those were some deeper quotes, lines that looked like they could pop straight out of an award winning song. Luckily for Jisung, you put dates on most of your writing, as random as they were, and he was able to get a sense of when you wrote them.

He flipped to the day you first waited for him at the cafe, which was a flurry of angry scribbles, frustrated thoughts and—wow—some language that Jisung did not believe you were capable of using. On other days, you wrote about his ridiculous obsession over your red notebook. Jisung snorted inwardly as he read a rather iconic line (“maybe if he chased after that girl like he chased after this notebook, he might’ve actually had a shot.”)

But then, as Jisung got to the period where he was gone, he noticed that your writing had gotten noticeably darker. You wrote about an unexplainable anger, the agitation in your chest that never ceased, the feeling that you weren’t doing anything. The fear of being ordinary. The fear of not achieving.

Sometimes, you wrote about him, but there weren’t that many songs. Still, Jisung could tell that you were angry at him, your words talking about a hurt that he couldn’t understand. Then, the lyrics would get sad, and Jisung’s heart clenched as he read your jagged writing.

I turn to talk to you, but you’ve already disappeared.

I can hear your singing as I walk to the cafe, the one where things began.

I shut my eyes from reality as you began to take a path I couldn’t follow.

When I wake up, I won’t be able to see you in the distance anymore.

He knew it. You were mad that he left. Jisung had suspected you would’ve been hurt when he had told you, which was why he had been nervous, but you were so unconditionally supportive that he was able to convince himself that you were fine.

It had hurt, when you didn’t even find him to say goodbye, even though he knew he deserved it. He hadn’t meant to push you away, he just drowned in so much self doubt that he couldn’t be bothered. If anything, he had to guiltily admit that he once found you a little overbearing. It didn’t help that your skills as a producer were almost on par with his despite starting so much later.

But as he braved through Korea, alone, Jisung found himself missing you. Yes, he made friends and yes, he was rather successful, but he really did miss you. The two of you had talked about texting and calling as frequently as possible, but it was like all of those ideas fell through the day he left.

You obviously had some hard times while he was gone, but Jisung was determined to help you, now that he was back.

He’d owed it to you, if not for the past then for the letter of acceptance from JYP Entertainment that was looking more and more appealing by the day.

viii.

“Hey, Jisung! Good to see you back, man!”

One of his middle school friends waved at him from a bench near where Jisung was standing. Walking over, he gave the boy a tight bro hug, genuinely happy to be catching up with old friends.

“It’s good to be back,” Jisung answered.

His friend swung a lazy arm over Jisung’s shoulders as they began to walk, “Is this just a visit, or are you back for real?”

“Eh,” Jisung stalled hesitantly, “let’s leave it at ‘undecided’ for now.”

The boy flashed a knowing smile, as if he could gauge the truth without Jisung having to say it, “Alright.”

The two walked around the park for a solid hour before buying some ice cream from a local convenience store. As they walked home, his friend asked nonchalantly before taking a bite out of his popsicle.

“Did you meet up with your girlfriend yet?”

Jisung choked, the chocolate outside of his ice cream popsicle going down his throat painfully, “She’s not my girlfriend!”

His friend grinned triumphantly, “Aha! But you knew who I was referring to.”

“Yeah, it’s totally not like you teased me every moment of the day about her at school.”

“It’s not my fault that you two are literally adorable,” the boy defended himself gleefully, “Don’t you remember what you told me at the airport before you left? ‘Look after Y/N for me—‘”

“Shut up!” Jisung groaned, “I wouldn’t have told you to do anything if I knew you were gonna be like this.”

“Aw, don’t be mean,” his friend was sounding much too happy, “I really did try to look after her while you were gone!”

Jisung glanced at him suspiciously, “You did?”

The boy has the gall to look rather offended, “I keep my promises. Although,” he added, scratching the side of his head tiredly, “I don’t think she really cared.”

“Cared about what?”

“About—about anything, if I’m being honest,” he shrugged thoughtfully, “She’s always been sort of a loner, so I don’t know much, but I think her parents split up a couple months ago. Apparently the dad just got up and left one day. What an asshole, am I right?”

Jisung wanted to agree, but a chill went down his spine as he remembered a distinct lack of photos of your family around the house and your dad’s fishing gear having disappeared when he visited. He knew your parents fought frequently, and he knew it always had a negative effect on you mentally, so he couldn’t imagine what you must’ve felt when your father left completely.

“Anyways, her mom went bonkers after that, and I think Y/N was really bothered by it,” the boy continued, “She doesn’t even go to school that much anymore, I think she’s working two—no, three—jobs.”

Jisung couldn’t believe what he was hearing. If anything, he was angry. Not angry at you, but angry that he had to hear all this from a friend. Was your relationship so unfixable that you wouldn’t even tell him if you were facing so much alone?

“How’d you find out?” Jisung finally asked, as his mind continued to piece bits of information together.

His friend looked rather sheepish, “You did tell me to look after her, so I ditched school one day to find where she was going.”

“W-wow,” his friend, as big of a delinquent that he seemed, would never skip school under any circumstances, “You really did that?”

“Don’t look so surprised, idiot. I was worried too, since she’s been dropping out of every single competition that she’s entered and—”

“Wait, what?” Jisung interrupted harshly, “She’s been dropping out?”

The boy looked stumped, “You saw her yesterday, she didn’t tell you? She submitted to one competition and won, but after that she hasn't been able to send anything in. Apparently, she freaks out and always ends up withdrawing a day before.”

Jisung’s mouth tasted like sandpaper as he spoke, “She told me she’s just been losing them.”

“Win, lose, we have no idea since she withdraws every time. And always like six hours before the due date,” his friend added as an afterthought.

You had lied. You had blatantly lied to him about something you did, or rather something you didn’t.

Now, Jisung wasn’t just angry, he was hurt.

ix.

“Were you ever going to tell me the truth, kiddo?” Jisung sneered from above you, towering over your sitting figure at the cafe.

Your heart froze as the nickname felt like a slap to the face, “The truth about what?”

“Don’t fuck with me,” Jisung hissed, sitting across from you with eyes blazing, “What are you doing, dropping out of competitions left and right?”

You opened your mouth of reply, before hesitating and shrinking away, “You wouldn’t understand.”

Jisung’s hands clenched into frustrated fists, “Then, make me understand!” His voice was stony as he spoke again, “You said you lost them all.”

“If I had submitted them, I would’ve anyway,” you shrugged, desperately attempting to look less affected than you really were.

And there it was. Your fear of failure. Your fear of trying for something only to be disappointed. Jisung had no idea it had manifested itself so strongly.

“Why are you so certain that you’re always going to fail?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“You wouldn’t know,” you spat bitterly, lashing out like a cornered animal, “All you’ve known is success.”

Jisung knew you were just saying anything to make him back off, but that mean he was going to let you get away with hurting his feelings, “You know that’s not true, Y/N,” he said darkly, “don’t you dare say that.”

Realizing that he meant it, you flinched, apologizing under your breath as you refused to look him in the eye. Your eyes darted nervously, as if planning out possible ways of running away. But Jisung was tired, tired of you hiding from him, tired of you running away.

“Y/N, you have to talk to me,” Jisung pleaded, reaching for your hands that had begun erratically tapping the table, something you only did when you were terribly anxious.

“Why can’t you have more faith in yourself?”

You only stared at him, your eyes swamped with a million emotions that Jisung couldn’t read. Your hands trembled in his larger ones, but you didn’t make any attempts to pull away.

“Did you know dad left because of me?”

Those were the first words that you said as you looked away, your tone full of bitterness, “He found my music software and he was furious. ‘I don’t want a daughter that ignores her school work to make garbage like this’ was the last thing he said to me. I haven’t been able to finish a track ever since.”

Jisung felt a stab of pity, “I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“Really?” You laughed without any real happiness, “I thought it sounded pretty obvious.”

“Yeah, maybe he was angry, but he wouldn’t have left just because of that,” Jisung said, “There were probably a lot of other things going on, shit that you didn’t have control over. Don’t let yourself be tied down other people, Y/N. It’s unhealthy.”

“Easier said than done,” you muttered.

“If you think you can’t do it, why signup in the first place?” Jisung asked curiously.

You flung your hands up wildly, “I don’t know, okay?” you said helplessly, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’d be making something perfectly normally and then right before I finish everything sounds wrong, everything sounds so terrible and I just can’t seem to make it perfect and—”

“Woah, woah, breathe,” Jisung interrupted you gently.

Slumping onto the table, you sighed, so tired and so heavy, “I wish I was you,” you said, “I wish I had your talent, your drive, your skill—”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Jisung spoke firmly, “You don’t need to be anyone else. The world doesn’t need two Jisung’s.”

You snorted despite your sour mood.

“The world needs one of you, though,” he continued, pulling out from you a small smile.

“You’re enough, Y/N. Everyone else knows that, you just have to know it yourself.”

“Stupid, idiot, jerk!” your small fists pummeled Jisung’s chest angrily, still panting from practically bolting to the airport in record time, “You're the worst!”

Jisung accepted your anger with a melancholy smile, nodding to his parents standing nearby to give you two some space. When you finally tired, your hands rested on Jisung, looking down to blink the tears out of your eyes.

“If it’s any consolation, I’m sorry,” he tried to reconcile tentatively.

You glared sharply, “No, you’re not,” you snapped, “If you were, you would’ve told me.”

“I really am sorry,” Jisung said genuinely, “I just didn’t want to make you sad.”

“Sad?” you hissed, tears pooling despite your words, “Did you think I wouldn’t be sad if you disappeared one day and I just had no idea where you’d gone?”

“Please don’t cry, kiddo,” Jisung reaches towards you, wiping a stray tear from your cheek with a gentleness you didn’t think he possessed, “You’re gonna make me cry, too.”

You pushed away, wiping your face with the back of your hand, “Don’t call me that,” you whimpered aggressively, looking away, “I’m not a kid anymore.”

Jisung thought about you, thought about you having to grow up so fast, having to mature in a situation that only hurt you, thought about how much you had changed in the ten months he was gone. Smiling fondly, he agreed, “Yeah, I guess you really aren’t.”

“Oh!” Jisung swung his backpack of his shoulders and bent down to take something out, “I almost forgot.”

From the large compartment, he pulled out the worn-out, red notebook that he’d not so honorably stolen the day he read it. Gasping aloud, you yanked it from his gasp, a rather betrayed expression on your face, “I was moping about having lost this for the past few days.”

Jisung had the audacity to smile, “Sorry, I had to fulfill my mission.”

Rolling your eyes, your face suddenly turned nervous as you asked hesitantly, “Y-you didn’t read it, did you?”

“Do you really think I’d steal it and not look through it?”

Your eyes shut tightly as you pulled the notebook towards your chest, “That means,” you said softly, “that means you saw everything.”

“Nothing that changes my impression of you,” Jisung promised, and he reached over for your notebook again. You moved it out of his range suspiciously, before handing it over with a sigh.

“Look it over,” he spoke, flipping through the pages to show you, “I put some comments and critiques on wherever you wrote lyrics. If you like them, great. If not,” he winked, “just cross them out.”

“Like I could cross out any of your critique,” you muttered, but you couldn’t help a smile from appearing on your face as you perused through his writing in red pen.

An announcer spoke from the airport speakers, mentioning that Jisung’s flight was close to boarding. Clearing his throat, Jisung zipped up his backpack, looking rather sad, “I guess that’s my cue.”

Your lower lip quivered again, because it really was the end. You could feel it. There was a 99.9% chance that you’d never see Jisung again. He was going to go off, do great things, shock the world, and you were just going to be that girl he once ate shortcake with after school.

“Y/N?” You couldn’t even register Jisung calling your name multiple times before you snapped out of it.

“Have a safe flight,” you managed, your voice shaky. Jisung looked at you dubiously as you struggled to hold it in.

“Oh, come on. I don’t even get a hug?” Opening his arms, he waited expectantly.

Throwing away all restraints, you jumped at him, your arms wrapping around his neck as your face buried in the crook of his neck. He had gotten taller, you realized, since you had to reach up on your toes to hug him. You felt Jisung bury his face in your shoulder as his arms tightly gripped your waist.

“Come find me,” he muttered, feeling a lot more emotional than he had expected he would.

Your laugh was muffled by his clothing, “I’m pretty sure JYP doesn’t allow visitation, Ji-Ji.”

“Come as a producer, then.”

“You and your crazy ideas,” you sighed, still melting into his embrace, “Don’t worry about me, okay? Go out there and make your mark on the music industry. I don’t want to see you until you’ve won all the rookie awards and three daesangs.”

Jisung laughed, and you tried desperately to remember that sound. That careless, comforting laughter that has brightened your life so much. Pulling away, he rested a final hand upon your head, as he gazed into your eyes earnestly.

“This isn’t the end, Y/N,” he smiled, “I know it.”

And with that, he turned away from you, walking farther and farther until you couldn’t even see the blurry outline of his figure anymore. Jisung was off to do great things, and there was no one to hold him back anymore.

bonus.

5 years later, Jisung was stumbling back into the dorms at an unsightly hour, eyes heavy and his head throbbing. The rest of 3racha had left the studio earlier, leaving Jisung to finish whatever ideas he had wanted to put down in the software. He crawled into his bottom bunk, trying his best not to disturb the other members, and as he lay staring into darkness, his thoughts travelled to a red notebook from a time long past.

Now, Jisung won’t lie and say that he thought of you often. How could he, when every second of his day was either producing, dancing, singing, getting makeup done, performing, doing interviews, and then repeating the whole process again and again? He rarely had time to think about himself, much less a girl he’d known years ago.

But sometimes, he’d wonder what you were doing. How has your life been? Have you been healthy? Were you still writing music? Were you still producing?

All these could’ve been answered with a simple text, but through a sad instance that resulted in his totally-not-yet-backed-up phone in a bowl full of water, he had lost many contacts, including yours. Now, you were nothing but a mystery, a wild thought that would emerge in his late nights.

Oh well, if there was really never going to be a chance for him to talk or see you again, Jisung just hoped that you were happy wherever you were.

A week later, 3racha faced a minor conundrum when their typical producing room went under maintenance, and they had to use the rooms that other producers used as well. Nothing too serious, it just meant that they had to be more efficient with their time and not spend hours being unproductive.

To be completely honest, Jisung didn’t really know many of the JYP producers now. He didn’t really need to, since all of Stray Kids’ music was created by them. He didn’t really have the time to introduce himself or get to know the other producers, something he was kinda sad about.

When 3racha stumbled into their makeshift studio a couple minutes early, they found the room empty, meaning that the previous producer had finished their session ahead of schedule. As the trio began unpacking, Changbin caught the other two’s attention as he spoke, “Hey, I think the last producer forgot this notebook.”

He held up a thin, incredibly dated, red notebook, and Jisung almost choked before slapping himself internally. It’s just a notebook, he reminded himself. There’s literally a million red notebooks out there.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling that this notebook in particular just felt eerily familiar. Maybe that was why he volunteered to hand it to the front desk, maybe that's why he was gently running his hands across the leather cover as he walked, too anxious to open it.

It would be such a breach of privacy, he thought reasonably, there’s no evidence that this is hers, and even if by some miracle it was, I shouldn’t be peeking anyways.

He made it to the reception desk, and was in the process of handing it over when he heard an apologetic voice call out from behind him, “Ah, I’m sorry, that’s my notebook! I forgot it in the studio.”

Jisung froze, almost too scared to turn around. Then, realizing that the reception lady was now looking at him funny, he slowly looked behind him, observing a girl in her late teens, dressed in a large hoodie, her hair now long past her shoulders.

It was you.

Apparently, you seemed to have come to the same realization at the same moment, because your eyes flashed with shock, taking in his appearance. The two of you stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before you walked over to him with a bright smile, hand outstretched for the notebook in his possession.

“It’s been too long, Jisung.”

It certainly has.

fin.

a/n: i hope that wasn’t horrible imsosorry

#stray kids #stray kids reactions #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #han jisung #han jisung scenarios #han jisung x reader #han jisung imagines #my fics

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funknrolll · 4 years

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Celebrating Prince: discovering a timeless artist and his meaningful and impactful art. Part 2. The early 1990s: Diamonds and Pearls, and Love Symbol eras

Hi music lovers, as I anticipated yesterday, this music addiction is going to celebrate Prince and his amazing and timeless work!! The article will be split into a few little articles. I hope you enjoy this new format and these articles!!

As I said yesterday, let me say that I have heard so many things about Prince’s artistry. Some comments came from uneducated people who did not even take a second of their lives to understand, and do research on his art. Hence, I think the time to shed some light on Prince’s art, has come (finally). I hope to help some of those people understand this artist better and to finally appreciate him the way he deserves. We owe Prince big time. Today’s music and musicians owe Prince everything. Without him, many of the artists we listen to today, WOULD NOT BE EXISTING. As we all know, Prince loved to experiment with music, trying out new music genres, new styles, new harmonies, melodies, rhythms and so on. This is one of the factors that led this legend to create a unique, wide and broad vault. There are so many songs of his that I love so much and that I find relevant for this article. The ones I chose, are going to prove that Prince and his music did not just revolve around sex and sexuality, (even if the artist through his music took the topic to another whole level). Through the article, we will see that Prince was more than all that I mentioned above. He was an extraordinary human being, blessed with so many enormous talents, with a beautiful mind, a uniquely pure soul. A true gift of God. With this in mind, let us start this article.

This is the sequel of the article I posted yesterday, so in case you guys missed it, check the previous one out✨

One year after Graffiti Bridge, Prince released Diamonds and Pearls. On this album, I picked 3 relevant songs to prove my case study. These gems are: Walk Don’t Walk, Money Don’t Matter 2Night, Push. Walk Don’t walk is perhaps my favorite song in Prince’s entire vault. Back in 1999 during the interview with Larry King for Cnn Prince was asked to describe his music, and he provided an extremely insightful, wise and interesting answer that depicted perfectly the purpose and meaning of his music. Prince: “The only thing I could think of, ‘cause I really don’t like categories… but the only thing I could think of is inspirational”. In my opinion, he could not have chosen a better word to describe his art, and this song is indeed the epitome of motivation. Personally, I remember this was one of the first songs of Prince I discovered, and I instantly loved it! Through the metaphor of walking the way the artist gave us such an important and inspiring lesson that is to say that we should always walk our paths, no matter what. Even if everyone is choosing a different way, we to stay true to ourselves, and therefore be unique. Even if people try to put us down or to persuade to change ourselves, we should always keep going because:

“The sun will shine upon you one day,

If you’re always walking your way”

Indeed, good things will happen someday, if we keep walking our ways without looking back. Moreover, another interpretation that might be given to these lyrics is that even if society dictates its rules, we have to keep walking our ways and stay true to ourselves. Even if everyone tells us no or that we are not going to make it. Additionally, another lesson that lays behind these lyrics is to be brave enough to go out of our comfort zone, be bold and not to look for the easiest way. In fact:

“Walk on their side of the street Don't walk where it feels the best “

To conclude, as I said previously, the fulcrum of this song is to be unique, stay true to ourselves, and to get out of our comfort zone even people or society tells and dictates otherwise. Only by being ourselves the sun will shine upon us one day. Moreover, one of the recurring themes in this song is the act of walking which might be related strictly to the peculiar arrangement. In my opinion, there might be two methods of interpretation. Besides the beautiful message this song is delivering, the arrangement is an extremely important part. As we can hear the leading instruments in this masterpiece are the keyboard and the drums. The keyboard arrangement is characterized by ascending chords and it might be used to enhance the meaning of the song. As we know Prince was a perfectionist and he surely left nothing to chance. Therefore, in my opinion, the arrangement for the keyboard might be used to help the listener visualize a long difficult walk that eventually is leading to a beautiful destination. This is just my interpretation of this song and I might be wrong, but I love to see it this way. Moreover, through the unique environmental sounds such as the honks of the cars in the street, the song gains even more plenitude and eventually the idea of a real walk. I really love how Perfectionist Prince was. The way he crafted music is something so special from the way he wrote the lyrics, to the arrangements and the compositions and the performance. He was a virtuoso, a real maestro in what he did. Another song that got straight to my heart is Money Don’t Matter 2Night. Another meaningful song. The lyrics of this masterpiece are pretty self-explanatory and eloquent. Indeed with this monumental piece of art the artist is delivering an urgent and poignant message: in today’s world we got to a point where people would do anything for money included send children to war and kill our beautiful. Through the painful yet beautiful lyrics and the arrangement the artist is giving an impressive, powerful and emotional depiction of the ugly effects that money and greed could do to people. On the other hand, through the choruses, the artist expresses his point of view about money which is that we should care more about being decent people, with values and love to give before we think and care about money. In Prince’s words:

“Money don't matter tonight (don't matter) It sure didn't matter yesterday Just when you think you've got more than enough That's when it all up and flies away That's when you find out that you're better off Makin' sure your soul's alright (soul's alright) 'Cause money didn't matter yesterday, (don't matter) And it sure don't matter tonight”.

Furthermore, what impressed me the most is the last part. Indeed, with extremely vivid lyric makes it easy to visualize the images Prince is depicting in this song. For instance, in the following part, the artist is portraying some sad and painful situations where money and greed are contributing to kill our beautiful earth, our children, our environment:

“Hey now, maybe we can find a good reason To send a child off to war So what if we're controllin' all the oil, Is it worth a child dying for? (is it worth it?) If long life is what we all live for Then long life will come to pass Anything is better than the picture of the child In a cloud of gas And you think you got it bad”

This is another powerful example of how a timeless masterpiece can be applied to our world today as we live in a situation where money and greed are ruling people’s hearts and minds. We live in a world without compassion, where we would do anything for money. We live in a corrupted society. We live in a world where we would even kill our children and our environment for greed. Everything for money. Hence, I strongly believe that this powerful song applies perfectly to the world today. Prince was highly educated and extremely “woke” and he knew all the dirt and all the sorceries that were happening on this earth, and through his music, in particular, with this song, he was trying to educate people on this significant topic. Furthermore, as we can hear, this song is totally different from all the other ones on the album. Indeed, it is a blues song and it sticks extremely well with its lyrics.

Among the songs on this album, Push is my third favorite one. With this song, Prince goes back to his signature funk and r&b sounds that we all love so much. This is perhaps one of the most motivating songs in Prince’s vault. Indeed, with these straightforward lyrics genius himself is teaching we should do whatever we can to reach our goals. There will always be people who try to put us down, but we must do whatever we can to reach the top. We are never too young and never too old to push ourselves to the max without stopping until we reach our goals. This song is a huge source of motivation.

well, every time you get some (Push) people want to take it back (p-push) They rather see you on the run (push) Then see you get it like that (Every time) every time they stop you Change up like a sock (push) Every time they try to clock you (push), tick more than they can tockOoh, push (I push) don't let them pull you down Push (I push) until you get to higher ground (higher) Push You're never too young, never too old Yeah, push Don't stop until you go

In 1992, Prince released LoveSymbol where the Symbol made its first appearance ever. One of the most enigmatic songs on the album is 7. It took me some time and some research to understand the meaning of this masterpiece, and it turned out that the artist crafted another deep and meaningful piece of art. As regards to this masterpiece, I would say that it is drenched with symbolism. Some believe that the meaning of this song is to be found in the number 7 or the number of God, that symbolizes spirituality and divine power. On the other hand, some other people believe that the number 7 is connected to the 7 capital sins. Personally, I would agree with the second theory as in the lyrics Prince says clearly that he would have “let all the 7 fall”, and then “Smoke them all”.

Moreover, the whole lyric gives hints about the fact that the number 7 is related to the 7 capital sins. Indeed, if we take an attentive look at the words of this song, we will find many symbolisms, even from the first chorus with which the song begins. Indeed, starting with the chorus:

All seven and we'll watch them fall They stanwd in the way of love And we will smoke them all With an intellect and a savior-faire No one in the whole universe Will ever compare

The number 7 is related to something evil that is standing in the way of something purer which is love. Moreover, as Prince was extremely spiritual and God-loving, I would assume that the gesture of smoking all the 7 might be related to an act of purification most likely when we purify our homes from the evil. In this case, Prince is suggesting that by smoking the 7 deadly sins, he is also doing an act of self-cleansing of his soul from the evil. Eventually, according to the artist, what will defeat all the 7 sins will be his intelligence and his savoir-faire. Regarding the kind of love the artist is talking about, it is the love between two soul mates, which is the ultimate love that transcends space and time, that cannot be compared to anything. A love that will eventually defeat all the 7 sins.

No one in the whole universe Will ever compare I am yours now and you are mine And together we'll love through All space and time, so don't cry One day all 7 will die

Furthermore, as I mentioned, this song is drenched with symbolic metaphors taken from the Bible, and in some other cases, the lyrics hint to Jesus Christ and the Gospel.

And I saw an angel come down unto me In her hand she holds the very key Words of compassion, words of peace And in the distance an army's marching feet (one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four) But behold, we will watch them fall

Indeed, as we can see from these 5 lines, Prince might be referring to Jesus. In fact, the key mentioned in the lyrics might be a metaphor referring to the belief in Jesus which leads to the practice of compassion and peace. Moreover, the army Prince is referring to, might be the external world corrupted by the 7 sins.

And we will see a plague and a river of blood And every evil soul will surely die in spite of And seven tears, but do not fear Four in the distance, twelve souls from now You and me will still be here we will still be here

With “a plague and a river of blood”, the artist is referring to the prophecy in the book of Revelation. Specifically, he is talking about the second plague in the book which is, as the song suggests, the blood in the rivers and in the oceans. But eventually, love will rise above, and evil will die.

Revelation 16:3,4 "And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea, and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea. And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters, and they became blood. "

There will be a new city with streets of gold The young so educated they never grow old And a, there will be no death four with every breath A voice of many colors sings a song, That's so bold Sing it while we watch them fall

These are the last 6 lines of the song and they could have a double interpretation. After all the evil and the 7 sins will be defeated, those who will have chosen love over evil will be entering the “city with streets of gold”. With this, the artist might be either inferring to the old city of Jerusalem or to the Kingdom of Heaven as we can see in the book of Revelation.

Revelation 21, 21“The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.”

I would agree with the second theory, as in the second line Prince is mentioning people who never grow old. Moreover, in the third line, the artist is mentioning the fact that there will be no death. In the fourth line is mentioning a voice of many colors singing which might be inferring to humanity and hence, people of every race and every color and gender. Moreover, in this song Prince is introducing the concept of twin souls. For those who do not know, two twin souls are two souls united as one in spirit which is practically a spiritual union. This is, therefore, an exclusive relationship based on love and faithfulness. Indeed, as we can see in the lyrics Prince is inferring to this concept in the chorus:

I am yours now and you are mine And together we'll love through all Space and time, so don't cry One day all seven will die

Also, in the video, it is quite clear the concept of Twin souls. As a matter of fact, we can see Prince and his wife Mayte dancing together and other couples dressed like the artist and his wife.

Another song on this album that I find particularly relevant is the Sacrifice of Victor. As we all know, Prince used music to deal with everything that was happening in his life. Also, he used music as a way to communicate with people. Through some painfully straightforward almost raw lyrics the artist gives us some insight into his childhood and his teenage years.

I was born on a blood-stained table Cord wrapped around my neck Epileptic 'til the age of 7 I was sure heaven marked the deck know joy lives 'round the corner {joy for sale down on the corner} (we sacrifice) One day I'll visit her I'm gonna {out on my block I'm just a loner} (we sacrifice) When she tell me everything {tell me} That's when the angels sing {sacrifice} That's when the victory is sho 'Nuff {sho 'Nuff down with the sacrifice} (we sacrifice) (help me) (don't say it, preacher)

As a matter of fact, as we can see in these lines, Prince is telling about how he was born and about his epilepsy and how he saw an angel telling him that he would have no longer suffered from epilepsy. Indeed, in 2009 in an interview with Tevin Smiley Prince revealed how he suffered from this disease during his childhood.

Mama held up her baby for protection From a man with a strap in his hand Ask the victor 'bout pain and rejection You think he don't when he do understand

Furthermore, as we can see from these lines, Prince is mentioning the fact that he was abused when he was a child.

1967 in a bus marked public schools Rode me and a group of unsuspecting political tools Our parents wondered what it was like to have another color near So they put their babies together to eliminate the fear We sacrifice yes we did Fighting one another, (we sacrifice) (don't say it, preacher) All because of color The angel of hate, she taught me how to kick her If she called me anything but victor If the only thing that tells me is father time Then sacrifice is the mother sublime, we love it

Moreover, in this song Prince is also giving an insight into what it was like to be living as a black child in America. The image depicted is extremely striking for it is real and sad as people were still extremely racist during that time.

Never understood my old friends laughing They got high when everything else got wrong (pass the booze up here) Dr. King was killed and the streets They started burnin' When the smoke was cleared, their high was gone Education got important, so important 2 victor A little more important than ripple and weed Bernadette's a lady, and she told me (what she say?) "Whatever you do son, a little discipline is what you need, Is what you need, you need to sacrifice"

These lines are quite clear and self-explanatory. As a matter of fact, Prince is mentioning his teenage years with his friends. In the last 5 lines, the artist is explaining the importance of getting an education instead of getting high on weed. This part is introducing extremely well the last 3 lines where the artist is perhaps referring to Bernadette Anderson, Andrè’s mother who allowed him to stay at her home and who advised Prince to get his high school degree before focusing only on music. Moreover, the Sacrifice Prince is talking about in this song might perhaps also symbolize the hard work he had to do to reach his goals instead of wasting time on mundane joys, favoring metaphysical, divine happiness over earth pleasures. Another interpretation of the word Sacrifice might be Prince's own struggle from a middle-class black child from a broken family to superstardom. On a broader scale the long, hard struggle Black people had to go through in the USA to gain their civil rights, at the cost of riots, police beatings and MLK's death (MLK is indeed a symbol of sacrifice to a cause because his activism led to his death). Furthermore, musically speaking, thinking about the lyrics and the topic this song is dealing with, I personally would have expected a different genre and a different arrangement for this song. This is where Prince with his ingenious and brilliant mind came to surprise us all. Contrary to the expectations, the artist decided to craft a brilliant funk song with two different major drum lines. The contrast between the topic of the song and the alluring arrangement is so beautiful and it entices the public to listen attentively to this masterpiece. In my opinion, if Prince had opted for a more melodic arrangement characterized by a down-tempo, perhaps the public would not have appreciated the song fully, and therefore it would not have had the same impact.

This was the second part of a series of articles dedicated to Prince to celebrate his life and most importantly his art. Stay tuned for more. If you have missed the first part feel free to check it out✨ In the meantime stay home, stay safe and healthy. Peace and Love 4 one another. G💜 thank you for your attention 💜

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chpkns · 3 years

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BEST ALBUMS 2020

Some albums I enjoyed during quarantine.

Hon Mentions: Campfire Chords - Arkells, A Written Testimony - Jay Electronica, All In One - Jaunt, Punisher - Phoebe Bridgers, Alfredo - Freddie Gibs and Madlib, Thats What They All Say - Jack Harlow, Western Swing & Waltzes and Other Punchy Songs - Colter Wall, This Place Sucks Ass - PUP, Only For Dolphins - Action Bronson, Black Habits - D Smoke, What’s Your Pleasure - Jessie Ware, 3.15.20 - Childish Gambino, Dedicated Side B - Carly Rae Jepsen, Dark Lane Demo Tapes - Drake, After Hours - The Weeknd, color theory - Soccer Mommy, Circles - Mac Miller, Womb - Purity Ring

10) Future Nostalgia - Dua Lipa

One of the lesser, although still significant, tragedies of the 2020 COVID era was that weddings and sweaty club basements the world over were robbed of Dua Lipa’s prolific output this year. Future Nostalgia is hit or miss in places, but the hits come hot and heavy delivering banger after 80′s-disco-inspired banger. Dominant summer jams “Don’t Start Now” and “Break My Heart” are the highlights here, along with “Levitating” (equally good with or without DaBaby). Sleeper tracks “Cool” and “Hallucinate” round out the year’s best pure pop album.

Highlights: Don’t Start Now, Break My Heart, Levitating, Physical, Cool, Hallucinate

9) Women In Music, Pt. III - HAIM

The third album from LA’s sister act rock trio HAIM delivers consistency and growth for the band. There’s plenty of retro heartbreak rock on Women In Music, Pt. III to satisfy fans of HAIM’s first two albums, but lots of new on offer as well including the jazzy Lou Reed inspired sax of “Summer Girl” and Danielle Haim sounding positively Joni Mitchell-esque on “Man From the Magazine”. The auditory production flourishes of erstwhile Vampire Weekend member Rostam are noticeable throughout and help stretch the bounds of the HAIM sisters’ signature Wilson Phillips meets Fleetwood Mac summer rock sound into something more of the moment.

Highlights: The Steps, Summer Girl, Don’t Wanna, Man From the Magazine, FUBT

8) My Turn (Deluxe) - Lil Baby

I’ve almost given up on trying to enjoy or understand most “new rap” but every now and then something breaks through that I connect with for some reason. Atlanta rapper Lil Baby’s My Turn was that album for me this year. There are many reasons I feel I should not like Lil Baby’s music, from his liberal use of autotune to his mumbling delivery, but something always drew me back to it and, listen after listen, it grew on me. Lil Baby’s flow is persistent when he locks in, with matching driving trap production from Quay Global, Tay Keith and others, mirroring in sound the story of Baby’s rise from the streets to prison to the studio. The standout track is late addition “The Bigger Picture”, Lil Baby’s protest anthem on race in America, policing and the turmoil following the killing of George Floyd by police, a political statement from an otherwise apolitical artist, showing that Lil Baby has much more to offer than bravado and autotune.

Highlights: Grace (ft. 42 Dugg), Forever (ft. Lil Wayne), No Sucker (ft. Moneybagg Yo), Social Distancing, The Bigger Picture

7) Miss Anthropocene - Grimes

The third major studio release from Montreal native Claire Boucher, better known as Grimes, doesn’t reach the same highs as its predecessors - 2015′s electro-pop masterpiece Art Angels (which rated number 1 on this list for that year) or 2012′s Visions, the synth-laden fever dream that introduced Grimes to mainstream notoriety (number 2 on this list for 2012) - but it’s still very much worth the time. The vibe of Miss A falls somewhere between Grimes’ previous two albums, and a little darker and messier to boot. Grimes sounds a bit like she’s playing a concert for the end of the world, which feels a bit prophetic for an album released just before a global pandemic took hold. As always, Grimes is out to flex her muscle as a technician and across the album’s ten tracks she mixes diverse sounds ranging from rave synths to banjos showing how far her craft has come since making Visions on Garageband in her Mile End apartment.

Highlights: So Heavy I Fell Through The Earth, Violence, Delete Forever, 4ÆM, You’ll miss me when I’m not around

6) evermore - Taylor Swift

Spoiler alert, this isn’t the highest ranked Taylor Swift album on this list. Surprise released in December, evermore was an early Christmas present to fans of Swift’s surprise summer album folklore (more on that later). evermore continues Swift’s reinvention from pop star to indie singer-songwriter, assisted by songwriting partner Aaron Dessner of The National and a variety of indie darling guest stars - this time around featuring HAIM, The National’s Matt Berninger and another stunning guest turn with Bon Iver. Speaking of Justin Vernon, the album capping title track might be the single best song on either folklore or evermore. And for fans of Taylor’s earlier catalogue like me, the return to country music on “no body, no crime” is like reconnecting with an old friend. evermore is a little messier and less consistent thematically than its sister album, feeling a bit like folklore’s b-sides. But when your b-sides are better than most artist’s a-sides, why not release another album’s worth?

Highlights: ‘tis the damn season, no body no crime (ft. HAIM), coney island (ft. The National), cowboy like me, evermore (ft. Bon Iver)

5) RTJ4 - Run The Jewels

Walking the streets of my neighbourhood with the first listen of RTJ4 in my earbuds, I found myself actually crying at the thought that I would not get to see Killer Mike and el-P perform these songs live in the summer of 2020. The memories of RTJ festival sets past came rushing over me in a wave. That was my first “damn, I miss live music moment” of the pandemic. The fourth instalment of Run The Jewels’ historic rap partnership is more of the same in the very best way. Like the dynamic duo’s previous three instalments, RTJ4 is in your face, moves at a frenetic clip, and takes no prisoners. There’s even another album highlighting collaboration with Rage Against The Machine’s Zack De La Rocha. The politics of RTJ4′s tirades against inequity and the police state feel even more imminent in 2020 against the backdrop of George Floyd, the ensuing protest movement that gripped America, and the 2020 presidential election. I really hope we get a chance to see Mike and el-P tour these songs in 2021, the world needs it.

Highlights: ooh la la (ft. Greg Nice and DJ Premier), goonies vs. E.T., walking in the snow, JU$T (ft. Pharrell Williams and Zack de la Rocha), a few words for the firing squad (radiation)

4) Saint Cloud - Waxahatchee

The majestically twangy folk-Americana of Saint Cloud, the fifth solo album from Katie Crutchfield (stage named Waxahatchee after Waxahatchee Creek, Alabama, where the singer grew up), is a nostalgic cure for the ails of 2020. The soft bluesy rhythms of Crutchfield’s songs feel like a lazy long summer day spent by the water. That was something we needed this year. The songwriting is just as beautiful. The standout track, “Fire”, speaks to Crutchfield’s journey finding sobriety and reconnecting with her southern roots. It also speaks to a longing feeling “give me something / it ain’t enough / it ain’t enough”. On “Arkadelphia”, Crutchfield croons: “We try to give it all meaning / Glorify the grain of the wood / Tell ourselves what's beautiful and good”. In the chaos of 2020, the calm oasis of Saint Cloud is certainly something beautiful and good worth enjoying.

Highlights: Can’t Do Much, Fire, The Eye, Arkadelphia, St. Cloud

3) Suddenly - Caribou

Suddenly was my first genuine pandemic listen and, in the early days of lockdown, I found myself going back to it again and again. So much so, that the opening haunting notes of “Sister” became a kind of touchstone as I adjusted to a weird new work-from-home lifestyle. The chilled out weirdness of Caribou was an extremely welcome presence in 2020. It had been long enough since 2014′s Our Love (2014′s number 1 on this list) that I’d forgotten how enjoyably quirky Dan Snaith’s floaty pseudo-house tunes could be. Suddenly is a little more laid back than the club ready Our Love, which maybe suits it more to a world where dancefloors are closed. The tunes are also tighter, more economical in their length and soundscape. The lead single “Home” sounds downright commercial (in a good way) with it’s motown sampled chorus. Other parts of the album, like the closing “Cloud Song” venture into more experimental territories. All throughout, however, are Caribou’s signature warm chord progressions inviting you to lose yourself in them. Whether you’re looking for a guided meditation or an at-home dance party, Suddenly was the perfect 2020 album for it.

Highlights: Sister, Home, Lime, Never Come Back, Ravi

2) Cuttin’ Grass, Vol. 1 : The Butcher Shoppe Sessions - Sturgill Simpson

2020 was full of unexpected things, many bad but some surprisingly delightful. Firmly in the latter category is Cuttin’ Grass, Sturgill Simpson’s surprise double album made up entirely of bluegrass covers of his own catalogue. A true product of 2020, Simpson recorded the album with a murderer’s row of contemporary bluegrass artists after recovering from COVID-19 and challenging his fans to raise funds for charity in exchange for recording a new album. That album became Cuttin’ Grass, a traditional bluegrass re-imagination of the greatest hits and hidden gems of a country artist who has always strived to avoid being labelled as a country artist. The songs feel effortlessly at home and are given new life amid the frenetic guitar and mandolin picking, flying fiddles, and twangling banjos. If Simpson’s ode to the revelatory experience of psychedlic drug use “Turtles All The Way Down” felt revolutionary on 2014′s Metamodern Sounds in Country Music, it feels like an old standard here with its tempo pitched up and enveloped in the cacophony of the bluegrass ensemble. There is some good old fashioned heartbreak to slow things down too. Mandolin player and backup vocalist Sierra Hull shines on “I Wonder” (a cover of a song originally recorded by Sturgill’s former band Sunday Valley) as she joins Simpson on the chorus: “Tell me am I the only one / drinking and cursing your name?” The juxtaposition of Simpson’s unconventional country catalogue with the most traditional of country music styles just works and the entire hour can be listened and relistened for days. And if you’re still not satisfied, the companion “Volume 2: the Cowboy Arms Sessions” released in December brings back the same supporting cast to explore more of Simpson’s catalogue.

Highlights: All The Pretty Colors, Breakers Roar, Time After All, Turtles All The Way Down, Voices

1) folklore - Taylor Swift

Well, I told you there’d be more Taylor Swift on this list, and here it is. Your number 1 album of 2020 is folklore, the surprise release pandemic project in which the world’s biggest country star turned pop star reinvented herself again as an indie artist. Unlike anything else Swift has put out since RED, nothing on folklore is designed to be played in a stadium. Rather, it’s all more at home in a cabin by the fire, or in your earbuds on a fall walk... basically, it’s music meant for 2020. Like its companion evermore, folklore is the product of Swift’s songwriting collaboration with The National’s guitarist Aaron Dessner. The melding of songwriting styles seems like an odd match at first but sounds like a match made in heaven. Lyrically, Swift’s songwriting makes an evolutionary leap, almost leaving her primary auto or semi-autobiographical comfort zone behind completely (other than, perhaps, in heavily veiled metaphor) in favour of invented stories and semi-historical world building. After a few listens, you discover that the same characters appear in different songs like the imagined history of Rebekah Harkness, the real life former inhabitant of Swift’s Rhode Island home, on “the last great american dynasty” or imagery of “battleships” that “sink beneath the waves” in the ghost story of “my tears ricochet”. In the so-called “teenage love triangle trilogy” of “betty”, “cardigan”, and “august”, Swift tells different parts of the same story from the perspective of different characters. Each song stands on its own, but the discovery that the pieces fit together is wonderful. “betty” is the standout track for me, as a long suffering fan of “country Taylor”. In style, it harkens back to her earlier work, but in substance it’s something new entirely as Swift sings from the perspective of James, the boy who has done wrong by his lover and is seeking forgiveness. The pinnacle of the album is “exile” Swift’s collaboration with Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon. The call and response interaction of Swift with Vernon’s true to for emma form baritone is chill inducing. Like so many of the unexpected good things in 2020, folklore came from throwing plans out the window and doing what felt right for the moment. This is Taylor Swift making the music she wanted to make. In Dark Knight fashion, it’s the album we needed, if not the one we deserved. It’s the best album of the year.

Highlights: cardigan, the last great american dynasty, exile (ft. Bon Iver), my tears ricochet, epiphany, betty, peace

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