Hey Guys! Welcome to my masterlist! Feel free to scroll through and enjoy ☺. I'll update this every time I post a fic. Click on the names for the post to take you to the link where there's another Masterlist for each individual character.
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Most of these fics are 18+ so minors DNI.
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Prioritise your journey. Don’t focus on others at the expense of yourself. This includes trying to force others to level up with you. You can’t take everyone with you. Your growth is a personal journey.
Of course I'll hurt you, Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
Most damaged relationships are impossible to fix. If you have endured pain and disappointment for a consistent, steady period of time, you are unlikely to muster any sort of healing or positive change by being around/with that person.
And we need to start normalizing it.
It doesn’t matter what they may have done for you. It doesn’t matter if they believe they’ve given you everything.
If you don’t believe it and you no longer feel the same about them, it’s your body and mind warning you that it’s time to back off from the toxicity.
Studying, why is it so Difficult to enjoy, and what can I do about it?
This is a question I’ve had to ask myself for as long as I remember. Since my young years, I’ve always; as many others also have, had an extreme distaste for academics. I found it fascinating that the school system had put rules, restrictions and regulations for learning. And it was impossible to break through that, I challenged my teachers with questions; why can’t I study the way I want to study, why is there limitations to my learning? I was frustrated that I had to box in my knowledge in the forms of structuring essays, how I had to answer test questions and overall how we are being taught and guided to be correct instead of curious. In 8th grade I conformed to it, I accepted it as correct and something we couldn’t escape. I did well, I scored well and got high marks. After that year, my social life took off, I couldn’t find a balance, and in my youthful righteousness I pushed away anything that had anything to do with school. Reading wasn’t enjoyable, learning didn’t interest me anymore and I succumbed to partying, dating, skipping classes and refusing to do my work. This all backfired on me when my last year of high school came along. My school counselor told me that the realistic goal for me would be that I couldn’t graduate, that I should expect to stay back a year, or more, without my diploma. My dreams of college in Italy, Paris, England were ruined. My taste for love In my academic dreams had been compromised. I was devastated. I cried, I cried so much. I couldn’t daydream about waking up in my dorm, running down the ancient hallways with my book bag across my shoulder with coffee and a cigarette in one hand and my books in the other without feeling self pity and judgement towards myself.
That weekend I sat alone; and thought for a very long while in my bed, with Gilmore girls playing softly on my school computer, with my other tabs of homework I had yet to hand in. I had to change, but how? It was all so boring, all I wanted to do was go to the party I had been invited to that night and then sleep at my boyfriends place and wake up and enjoy a long day of delightful nothingness. I looked back on my years of school. Why didn’t I just study? It’s not that hard, attending classes studying a couple of hours a day, or week. And nothing like this would have happened.
I went and talked to my father. My father is a very interesting man. Born and raised in a communist country where school was a privilege to have. Growing up to be a diplomat despite it seeming as life was against him. Raising me and my brother in a Democratic first world country, doing everything he could to give su the life he needed when he was younger. I needed advice. I went to the living room where he was sitting with my mum on the burgundy colored sofa, petting our cat with one hand and enjoying a glass of wine with the other.
He told me, and I hope this can be a life lesson for everyone reading this;
“Ocean, my little flower, I was just like you. Full of life, love and ideas of the future. I wanted so much, yet I didn’t want to work for it. Now this won’t be a lecture of how you have to work hard and that you’re wasting your time and that you’ve done a distasteful job at school. I was just like you my love. I was a troublemaker, skipped school, started smoking at 13 and went to discos instead of focusing on my academic life, it didn’t seem important to me. Nothing did except what I thought was the highlights of life. I loved girls, music, drinking and staying out late, worrying my mother half to death. My teacher in my 7th grade class told me I wouldn’t amount to anything good. I didn’t care, I didn’t mean to prove her wrong, I just decided that I didn’t care, school wasn’t for me. Now, I did finish high school, but it wasn’t until my last year of college that the fear you’re feeling now struck me. I was doing my bachelors in engineering, and all of a sudden exams came around, my final exams. There was one week left and I hadn’t studied. I was terrified, I considered paying someone to do my final exams. I was terrified, and much like you, when something scary happens, I run. Fortunately I lived in the same dorm as my brother. He was a very successful student, promised to go far in life. He sat me down, and we talked for hours. He told me, and I want to tell you this Ocean. He told me, that if I don’t do this, my life would be ruined. I would have to work in a construction site, and at the time, the idea didn’t seem bad to me, it was a good job that paid well, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I was terrified at those words, that these exams will determine my life. Of course, I could redo the year, but redoing hurt my pride. And there’s nothing shameful in trying again Ocean, nothing shameful or embarrassing at all. If that’s how your school year ends up, don’t be afraid, I’ll be here and we’ll take it step by step. But at the time, failing was the prominent word that was pushed into the interior of my very soul. I couldn’t fail. That week, I locked myself in my dorm. Your uncle would come in three times a day and give me food from the cafeteria, he decided to sleep in our friends dorm because everyone knew that I shouldn’t be disturbed. I had put a blanket over the window so I didn’t know what time of the day it was, and had put all the watches and clocks under my pillow. Many times, my girlfriend at the time would knock on my door, friends too, asking for me to go out for a cup of coffee, or to go to the disco or grab a beer. “One hour won’t hurt Nicolai!” And for the first time in my 20 or so years, I said no. Many times I cried, very quietly, because the walls were thin, and many times I heard people having sex, or listening to vinyls or discussing artists and what they would do that night. It was so tempting to just leave my books for just a few hours, and enjoy life. I didn’t. One week goes by and I sit my exams, I was so nervous I didn’t go out until the results came in. The headmaster called me to his office for a meeting. Ocean, I had done so well, that they accused me of cheating. I was both extremely happy at the thought that I did so well, but offended that they had boxed me into a little cubicle of what they thought I could do, that my intelligence was measured. I passed with flying colors. And I was so relived. I went to the disco, I went for beers, I had late nights with my girlfriend drinking wine, listening to Beatles vinyls and smoking cigarettes in our dorms. But one little surprising detail stayed with me. I would constantly have a book in my bag. I never read before.
I decided to continue my engineering degree to masters, but my mindset had changed. It was balanced. I went to out with friends and girls. And I also studied well. I had found a a balance Ocean.
Now, if I haven’t bored you already, to a conclusion, find love in the academics. That’s how I survived my masters, and that’s why I’m a diplomat today. Find enjoyment in learning. Now I know your distaste for the school program. But there are perspectives to it you should dwell in. There are rules to school, but not rules to learning. Consume learning, fall in it, make love to it, surround yourself by it do whatever you want I don’t care. But separate academics and learning. When you’ve shifted your perspective and your outlook I will promise you, you will love what you do.”
And with those words I went back to my room, and I dwelled. I came to a conclusion, school can be fun. My years of distaste has fogged my current situation. If I find enjoyment in what I learn In school, if I love learning. I can use school as a tool. The rules, guidelines and regulations will still be in place. But that can be a test for me, a test of my intelligence. School doesn’t mean the ends to my learning. I can learn outside of school, or to an addition to school. Just because the answer has to be a certain type of right im academic sense, doesn’t mean my curiosity has to stop there, it just means that I have to exercise it outside of the walls of school. When I and thought it though, I went straight to work, not because of the terror of failing, that I have to do it; but because why not? I was tired of sitting in my bed everyday and scrolling endlessly through my social media. I pulled up a dusty notebook and my computer and I started.
After a while, I started to enjoy it! Most recently I had to write a essay on “Dr Glas by Hjalmar Söderberg”. I had worried about it for so long, I didn’t know where to start!! The secret is, just start. I read, I wrote, I annotated and I looked up literary devices. I stayed up into the late am’s of the morning, and I had finished it. I loved the book, it was an amazing novel. That Monday I went to my literature teacher to give in my draft, by the end of the school day I went back to his classroom to get feedback. I had ALOT of brushing up to do, many things were incorrect, and many things I had to redo; so it could be accepted, I had to redo it to fit the regulations of my schools essay writing. And it sucked, but later that night. I did exactly what he asked for, later that week. I went back and wrote my own essay. Everything I couldn’t put in the school essay because of lack of vocabulary, explanation and analysis. My curiosity stayed, outside of school.
Now, 6 months later, I as well have learnt balance my life. I still party, go out with friends and have times do do creative things on my own. But I put down good time and effort to my academics, because I’ve learnt to love it rather than despise it. Disclaimer! This took me a lot of time to grasp. I wanted so bad to go out on a weekday instead of studying. But I had to stick to it, it’s boring until it’s not my loves!
To my conclusion of this very long dragged out post, my tip is. From someone whose finally getting A’s and B’s, someone who my teachers actually trust that I can do good work in my studies;
It’s never to late, you have the capacity to do everything you want
Even though not everything In school is a interesting essay on a well written novel, you can find enjoyment in it. Don’t restrict yourself.
You will have to choose to put time down to study, but it’s not something bad. Rather, it’s a test of what you can accomplish!
Failing doesn’t mean failure. Pick yourself up, sometimes it doesn’t work the first time. There is no shame in doing it again.
Enjoyment of academics lie in your perspective. Don’t restrict your knowledge and curiosity to school, do it outside of school as well (if you want too 💓)!
You don’t have to have an extreme life changing conversation to realize your capabilities or what you want to do in life. Sometimes you just need a little push
School doesn’t measure your intelligence. Remember that, for me, school is just a challenge for what I can accomplish within a set of rules.
You don’t have to give up your social life to do well academically. It’s a important set of balance, that you have to decide you want to do.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if it is to become a artist, cook, writer, journalist, musician, caregiver, police, nurse. Anything of the sort! Even if you don’t have an idea what you want to do, that’s ok. If all you want to do is travel, don’t give up on that. School is a vessel for your future, and it’s never to late to make it.
I also really want to say that I have ADHD, and I’m not on my meds. Which make you concentrate more, and be more focused. There is no diagnosis, prescription or situation that can stop you if you want it bad enough.
...as you let it seem. if you keep putting yourself down all the time and just refuse to see the beauty around you, life will be one sad journey for you.
if you look towards the positive and see the best in everything, life will keep becoming prettier each day. it doesn't mean you won't face difficulties at all but you will definitely have the strength and motivation to face those challenges.
A/N - The first of the requested fics. Anon stated that they wanted a fic where Chris first found out about you being pregnant. I've done something like this in the past in my Inseparable series, but I thought why not do a headcanon about it again.
|| WARNINGS || Language, Fluff
|| PAIRINGS || Chris Evans x Pregnant!Reader
The stick wavered in your trembling hands as you stared down at it with a mix of awe and surprise.
You hadn't expected your dream to come true, yet here you were.
It was absolutely insane.
You and Chris had been trying to get pregnant for 6 years and after an abundance of failed attempts and multiple appointments to the fertility clinic, you all but gave up hope.
Until that one night when Chris fucked you in his childhood bedroom, both of you drunken on Chardonnay as he pounded into you roughly, whispering the dirtiest things in your ear.
That was a good night...
Extraordinarily so now that you were pregnant.
You couldn't wait to tell Chris that he was going to be a father, especially since you both were getting older and had been waiting for this moment for so long.
Everything was ready when Chris came home. He took off his shoes on the mat by the door and came inside.
Immediately, you could tell something was off about him.
Clutching the small gift bag in your hands, you followed a grumbling Chris into your bedroom.
You found him inside, body hunched over and head in hands as he gently shook.
It took you several seconds to realize he was crying, sobbing quietly.
You rushed to him in your concern, placing the bag down on the bed beside him as you knelt down infront of your husband.
The golden wedding band still shone on his ring finger as he harshly wiped at his tears.
You had seen Chris cry before, plenty of times. He was a pretty emotional guy.
But nothing in the 10 years that you had been with him had prepared you for his cry now.
It was simply heartbreaking.
You couldn't stand to hear the gut-wrenching sobs. They didn't compare to any of his cries before.
Although they did come close to the one time you forced him to watch Old Yeller with you.
He cried for days afterwards each time he glanced at Dodger.
You hugged him tightly, letting him rest his forehead onto your shoulder as his tears stained and wet your hoodie. But you couldn't care less about that in the moment, and not because it was his hoodie...
"Honey. What's wrong?" You asked gently and his sporadic breaths came a little easier this time around as he slowed down.
"This guy at work. Asked if you were pregnant yet and I said no. And... and he told me to find another wife. I got so mad, I punched him and-" you cut him off.
"You punched him because he suggested you get another wife?" You asked.
Chris nodded like it was the most known fact in the world. "Ofcourse. I love you, just hearing that man ask me to spend my life with someone other than you made my stomach hurt and my heart started to hurt, almost like I was having a heartattack. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Because truth is, I can't imagine a life with anyone other than you."
Your eyes started to tear up as you took every single word of his speech to heart.
"Baby?" Chris hummed as he composed himself, wiping at his eyes.
"Before you say anything, know that I'll always be with you and love you. Child or not. We can always adopt-"
You handed him the gift bag as you leaned in to kiss him sweetly. The kind of kiss that was reserved for old couples, who after so many years still loved each other. But you and Chris were at that stage just 10 years into your relationship.
Chris looked down with a smile. "You got me a gift? What's the occasion?" You tried to suppress your excited giggles, "Just open it."
Chris nodded as he gently lay the red wrapping paper on one side and looked inside the golden gift bag. Ofcourse you had color coordinated. And ofcourse you didn't go with the generic colors society had assigned to each gender.
Chris took out the box. He smirked, "Got me a new watch?" You shook your head, "Oh, just open it."
He gently pried open the box and stared inside. At first he was majorly confused, discombobulated, if you will.
But when he got what it was, he looked up at you with teary eyes. "Baby? Is this true?"
You lifted your hoodie, revealing your shirt underneath as you straightened out a bit.
It read, "You're going to be a Daddy... and not just in bed this time."
Chris laughed rambunctiously, holding his left pectoral as he did so. His tears still flooded down his eyes.
"Really?" He asked, like he still wanted confirmation.
You shrugged. "I mean I checked like 8 times. There's 7 more sticks just like that one in the bathroom's garbage. Knock yourself out."
Chris yelled happily as he picked you up and twirled you, laughing.
He put you back down on your feet and it took you a few moments to get over the dizziness and nausea.
"I'M GONNA BE A DAD!"
You shook your head, chuckling, "Thanks, announce it to my relatives in Australia, why don't you?" Chris pursed his lips, smiling at you.
He tugged you down on the bed, making sure to be gentle as he climbed on top of you.
Placing a hand on your flat belly, Chris spoke, but he stared right into your eyes.
"I think we need to give you another sibling. Either that or we shut mommy's smart mouth. Which one will it be, Champ?"
You smiled, "Could be a girl too, Chris."
"Right. Damn it. What will it be Champ or Princess?"
You chuckled as Chris leaned down to give you a searing kiss. As he leaned back up, you could see the smirk on his face and twinkle in his eyes.
"I think we need to do both."
"I do too." You mumbled with a smirk of your own.
*I will not be tagging anyone as this is only a one-day thing. I'm only writing these to commemorate Chris' Birthday.*