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buckttommy · 24 days

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umm. pause. guys. guys. gay tommy has been canon this entire time. what the fuck. like. oh my god. no. like. okay. okay. so. 2x9 (hen begins), sal [deluca] is talking about his girlfriend dragging him to see twilight. he makes a homophobic joke about tommy being team jacob and tommy's like "i don't even know what that means." chimney says "he's insinuating that you're gay" and tommy blows deluca a kiss. fine. whatever. but THEN you skip to 2x12 (chimney begins), and—i stg it's a blink and you miss it moment—tommy and gerrard (racist captain) are having this conversation in the background

tommy: what about that burger place? gerrard: tommy i hate that place. hey wasn't your girlfriend supposed to come and cook us dinner? tommy: uhh. next tuesday. gerrard: promise? tommy: uhh. uh. yes. yeah. i will promise.

and it's like. number one, this sounds like a conversation they've had before. something to the tune of "hey, how come you never bring your girlfriend around" which i can't help but think was intentional considering the members of the old 118 were entirely familiar with deluca's girlfriend gina. but number two, no straight man who has a girlfriend sounds that unsure that they have a fucking girlfriend. it was very much giving "ah yes. this human lady that i love that most definitely exists. absolutely. also i like breasts." and it's just like. ok. what the fuck. like. i don't know if this was the plan all along. i don't think it was. i still maintain buck/eddie were supposed to go canon after the shooting and the powers that be got in the way. but. but. the idea that this canon queer character has been hiding in plain sight (subtext) is just. wild to me. like. i've always headcanoned tommy as gay, mostly because every character he plays seems fruity as hell. but bro. i don't think it's a headcanon anymore. and i don't think it ever has been. what the fuck.

there's also the idea that. like. so i've been watching the begins episodes again trying to figure out what, exactly, tommy's crime against the members of the 118 has been. like. he worked in a -phobic/-cist environment. he was definitely complicit in making hen/chimney feel like outsiders in their workplace yes yes all these things are true. but as far as i can tell, tommy has rarely ever actively been anything except spineless. deluca makes a homophobic joke? tommy laughs. gerrard makes a bunch of sexist and racist comments? tommy looks, but doesn't say anything to encourage (or discourage him). hen gives her monologue? he looks chagrined.

and his complicity would be absolutely shitty and inexcusable if he was just a cishet white man. no questions asked. but if — if — you view his behavior through the lens of the fact that tommy is queer himself? that tommy is, and always has been, a member of a marginalized community who felt it was easier and safer to assimilate than it was to be openly queer and have a target on his back? his behavior becomes a whole hell of a lot more understandable. yes, it's still shitty, but. there's a purpose behind it. and this idea is supported by the fact that, when gerrard leaves (flashing forward to bobby begins again), even before bobby gets there (because we always credit bobby with making the 118 the family it is today), like. the atmosphere is completely different. tommy and hen? are friendly with each other. chimney and tommy? also friendly with each other. which we also know because in 2x14 broken, he calls him up for help. which lends credibility to the idea that the problems tommy had (or thought he had) with henchim were not about them as people but more about whatever manufactured conservative boys club bullshit gerrard fostered.

and it's just like. motherfucker. bitch. what the hell. like. first of all, leave it to 9-1-1 to tell a story like this in the most subtle way possible. like if that was indeed the intended implication, i'm throwing my tv off a bridge immediately. but also. second of all. what is wrong with this show. they're crazy. i want to eat it like a loaf of bread. just shovel it in my mouth because the idea that tommy has been queer all along, that he wasn't brought back just to be a stopgap on buck's queer journey to eddie, but that he's been haunting the edges of the narrative like a gay ghost is sooo like. ohhh. okay. [throws up]. like????? okay. anyway. i'm going to be thinking about this the rest of the day.

#tommy kinard #head in hands.....................HEAD IN HANDS #tv: 911 #jack.txt #There's also something to be said about the idea of FOX main characterizing Buck/Oliver #around the same time they put a stop to Buddie #Something about like. Conventionally attractive (dark hair / light eyes) white men are not allowed to be loudly quee #and like. I KNEW there was something there #I knew it. And I love Michael and David and Karen and Hen don't get me wrong #those are my emotional support gays #but I was just like ''hm. kind of funny how every queer character connected to the mains is a person of color right?''#and I never vocalized this thought to ANYONE but I always kept it in the back of my mind #even the men michael would be seen with *before* David — always black #and there's nothing wrong with it it's fine #but the idea becomes a LOT more insidious when I consider FOX's politics—when i consider that both racism and homophobia are inherent to #their brand. and then it's just like ''ohh. you guys made the black people dirty queers because white is right. okay got it''#anyways. let me stop talking. lol

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highlyincorrect · 9 days

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Upon hearing the good 911 news, I came to a scientific discovery about The Characters™️ (This took 15 minutes of my life)

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thewarmthofequallyreturnedlove · 6 months

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“And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand.”

#sapphic yearning #sapphic #lesbian yearning #lesbian #relatable #introvert #love #poet #writer #dark academia #wlw #light academia #chaotic academia #romance #tragic romance #internalized homophobia

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skykid-nadir · 10 months

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Never thought I'd have to write this, but given the chaos of yesterday...

This blog is LGBT+ supportive! If you disagree with our existence for any reason, kindly get the fuck off my blog. You are not welcome here. This blog will always be a safe and inclusive place for my queer siblings.

Fuck homophobes.

#sky cotl #sky children of the light #sky: cotl #skyblr #cw homophobia #lgbt friendly #lgbt safe space #love is love

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summershouto · 1 year

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baby 5 & sanji- the role of gender

I’m definitely not the first person to say this but Sanji’s women obsession is very similar to Baby 5’s need to please and I wanted to expand on it more bc the thoughts keep bouncing around in my brain

Sanji and Baby 5 have the same core need to find love and it effects their actions- especially in matters with romance/the opposite sex. While both of their fixations are often treated as jokes, they still reflect underlaying issues tied to their backstories.

The way they act on this romantic drive is somewhat different, as they both assume the traditionally expected roles in accordance with their gender. They’re putting on a performance, behaving over-the-top in effort to please, while still varying in how they portray their love-sickness to remain a model man/woman. these differences set them apart, and I feel in Sanji’s case it can result in his behavior being brushed off as simply a weird quirk (unlike Baby 5, who’s actions remain lighthearted but are recognized as a trauma response).

They both have the same reaction to potential interest/attention, but remain strictly on the opposite ends of the spectrum of Man vs Woman in a conventional relationship.

Baby 5 maintains a caretaking, flattering-focused obsession of the opposite sex rather than transforming into having pervy gags. She wants to be needed but she also enjoys (and sometimes imagines) being swooned over.

Looking at Sanji in the beginning, before the annoying nosebleed/creep gags became more prominent, he was also rather romance driven rather than motivated by lust. He, similar to Baby 5, saw many as potential suitors; a hopeless romantic at heart. While Baby 5 strikes at the first sign of interest from a man, Sanji equally treats every woman as someone he needs to look after .

Baby 5 jumps into the role of a caring wife. She blushes like a schoolgirl and assumes that every man who is kind is showing interest in her. Meanwhile Sanji, filling the role of a traditional man in the relationship, seeks to provide. He wants to aid women in any way possible- whether thats with cooking or actual physical protection. His pervy gags could also be read as a way to fit this norm- as a man it’s more societally acceptable to be lust driven- (and in some cases, lust/sex is a way to “prove” ones manhood). This is especially prominent after his time apart from the crew surrounded by people that challenged his notions of gender.

Overall their use of these traditional gender roles are safe; an easy way to get attention. People in real life often use romantic attention as means of fulfillment, and I read their actions as the same.

Baby 5 and Sanji are both people pleasers. Baby 5 is named as such, noting she can’t deny anyone anything because she longs to be needed. Sanji’s lack of self-worth causes him to always put others first, even at the cost of his own wellbeing. They see themselves as existing to fulfill a needed role, bidding their time until the moment arises.

Other people have noted how similar Baby 5 and Sanji are in this way, joking that it’s good Sanji and Baby 5 never met because they’d get married instantly. I think it would actually be very interesting if they had met. Two people pleasers in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, especially with people as passionate as Baby 5 and Sanji. Their way of dealing with conflict would be to.. not. Neither would ever want to say the other is at fault. Their approach towards romance is seeking a sense of fulfillment, which would create an interesting dynamic with their exaggerated swooning.

Now there are some people who truly are greatly motivated to pursue relationships, but with Sanji and Baby 5’s backstories revolving around a lack of love, it’s safe to assume that it’s a bit more of an inorganic reaction for them. Especially when looking at the situations their love gets them into, such as when Baby 5 fell head over heels for a man because he was kind to her once despite not showing any prior attraction.

Sanji is on the opposite side of the spectrum, finding /every/ woman beautiful and himself unworthy. Where Baby 5 aims to prove her worth from any one person and seeks a reason for her receiving kindness, Sanji places himself below all the women he meets and grovels in attempt to please as they stand on their pedestals.

Sanji was raised by Zeff- someone who had a strong influence in how Sanji perceives and treats women. Sanji’s hunger for love was enhanced by the teaching of strict gender roles and emphasis on chivalry. While Baby 5 longs to be the helpful wife, Sanji becomes the pursuer- acting like a white knight as he sought women’s attention. That’s not to say his attraction isn’t real, but his extreme reactions to women reflect his desperation to please.

Sanji also has the added factor of the men vs women in his life prior to Zeff, with only his mother and sister showing him kindness. Women were safer; and Zeff furthered this belief through his teachings.

They’re both self-sacrificial to a dangerous degree. To them, their lives are indispensable; meaning if someone needs to die for the greater good then that’s the role they feel they were made for. Their life IS other people.

This is also interesting to consider in the perspective of non-heterosexual relationships. Sanji has a complicated past with gender/sexuality, so his aggressive actions towards men reflect what he feels a “real man” should be. Feminine attention is good, acceptable to enjoy, but male attention is something to scorn.

For Baby 5, we don’t really see her react to the kindness of a woman. She grew up around predominantly men and men appear to be the ones who most often take advantage of her. It’s curious to consider if meeting another woman with good intentions would allow her to be more sincere.

I guess in conclusion I often see Baby 5’s actions being recognized as a response to her past, but I don’t often see Sanji’s explained similarly. Personally I think Sanji’s behavior is greatly effected by his starve for love, and he throws himself into it just like Baby 5. However, the way theyre perceived is greatly effected by their gender and their according behavior to fit the norms. Regardlessly, he and Baby 5 both rely on other people to find their worth- and the quickest way to do that is to turn to romantic love.

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theconcealedweapon · 5 months

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"No one had any problem with the LGBT community until they started involving children."

We've seen how you reacted to Dylan Mulvaney and Bud Light.

That is a bold faced lie.

#homophobia #transphobia #dylan mulvaney #bud light

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chemicalarospec · 8 months

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I'm inventing a new LawLight dynamic where L is like "Been feeling some sort of way towards this Light Yagami guy... Not sure which way, he's just an interesting person. Could be a crush I guess," so if someone asks him if they're dating he'd say something really weird like "I've been considering that possibility." Whereas Light suppresses any and all thoughts about their relationship but subconsciously accepts that There's Something Going On, so when asked, he's like "yeah, we're boyfriends. --Wait, what?!? Boyfriends??" (horror dawns on his face) "Oh no. Yes, we are boyfriends."

You ask them the question together and they respond "yes" and "no" at the same time, both with deep regret in their voice, and then turn and stare at each other in shock.

#ok light would lie and cover up his mistake better than that (but not much better) but this is funny #lawlight #L x light #death note #chem's death note arc #I said this #yeah. I did take the funny bit and expand it to a whole fic.#now i have the two super serious and artistic death note fics and one almost-crack fic haha #i just wrote 'he knows I have a lot of internalized homophobia!' and I'm just so funny guys I can't with myself

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captainhysunstuff · 1 year

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14 more images below the cut (WARNING: Implied homophobia and talk of disownment):

It’s Sayu’s turn to have some one-on-one time with Light. Light’s a bit mortified to find out that she’d been busy. Namely, upping her nosiness and straining her imagination in an effort to figure out where he disappeared to and why their father would disown him.

To be clear: Sayu has progressive views regarding sexuality here. She fully accepts the possibility that Light is gay, and she would never judge him for it. Something wasn’t clicking with the disownment story, and she only wanted to know the full truth of where her brother went.

First

Master List

Transcript

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accio-sriracha · 5 months

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Clashing Teeth- Wolfstar

~~~♤~~~

Remus and Sirius have been fighting, a lot.

It started when Remus had called Sirius a slut after he had snogged Emmaline Vance at a party. Sirius openly and proudly admits to being one but he didn't think Remus needed to say it like it was such a terrible word.

So Sirius, ever the petty revenge queen that he was, decided to fight back. And they have been, nonstop, for two weeks.

Eventually the others had had enough, they couldn't watch this go on any longer. James forced them both into the common room, surrounded by all of their friends,

"The two of you have been at each other's throats for two weeks now, what the hell is going on?" He demanded.

Sirius snorted, "Well, Prongs. I think Moons and I have been 'at each other's throats' because he's too afraid to admit something."

Remus glared at him, "And what might that be, Pads?" He scowled.

Sirius sighed, "Well there's multiple things." He gave Remus a meaningful look, "But the one I'm referring to now would be that you're secretly jealous of all the girls I'm pulling."

"I am not."

"That isn't what I gathered from you last night when we got into that fight about-"

Remus jumped up from the couch, pulling out his wand, "I will hex you right now!" He threatened,

Peter stepped between them, holding out his hands, "Woah! Guys, come on! What is this? You two have never acted like this before!"

"You want to tell them what's changed, Pads?" Remus called, still furious, "Cause I think everyone in here would like to know what's got you acting like an arsehole."

"Oh, I'm the arsehole here? I'm not the one who's jealous! If it's really that big of a deal, why don't you go out there and snog someone yourself?" Sirius shouted back. Remus' glare was cold enough to kill a man,

"Is that really what you think the solution is here? I should just go snog a bunch of people?"

"Well it's not like you're fucking dating anyone is it?" Sirius' voice suddenly broke. He turned to James, "I'm done with this conversation." He stood and stormed out of the room.

Everyone was silent, Dorcas cleared her throat after a few minutes had past, "Rem, I'm gonna be honest, I don't think any of us understood any of that." She told him. Remus groaned and sunk back down onto the couch, his head in his hands.

"Look, Remus, whatever is going on between you two can be worked out, but I don't think you're really listening to each other." Lily sat down beside him, her voice kind, "Maybe just try to hear what he's telling you."

"I know what he's telling me. That's the problem." He muttered, rubbing at his temples, "It's him who's not listening every time I tell him that I just don't think it's possible to work things out his way."

"What even started this?" Alice asked. Peter gave a nervous laugh,

"He, uh... He called Sirius a slut." He explained. Alice stared blanky,

"I thought Sirius calls himself that too?"

Peter nodded, "He does, but... well-"

"But I meant it." Remus spat, the muscles in his jaw tight, "I said it to hurt him."

"Oh." Alice looked down, stepping back next to Frank again.

"Why don't you go talk to him, Moons, maybe you can figure out a compromise." James offered. Remus laughed,

"This is the compromise." He shook his head, "He gets to do his fucking random people thing and..." He looked away, "Well, we're both compromising, okay? Neither of us is willing to give in."

"What are your options?" Dorcas asked, "Maybe we can help you both decide?"

Remus shook his head again, "No, this is between Sirius and I." He stood, turning to the stairs, "I'm going to bed, I'll see you all in the morning."

He closed the curtains around his four poster, not wanting James or Peter to bug him like they inevitably will. He understood they all don't like seeing him and Sirius fight, but this just wasn't something they could help with.

Remus thought back to the look on Sirius' face, the hurt in his eyes when he'd brought up the dating thing.

The issue they'd been having was they were secretly sleeping together... a lot. They had sex even more than they fought. It was amazing, probably one of the greatest things Remus had ever experienced, even better than chocolate after the full moon.

But Sirius wanted more than that, he wanted a relationship, a fully exclusive, everyone knowing about them, holding hands in the corridor kind of relationship. And Remus didn't think he was ready for that.

Sirius was understanding, of course, he'd never want to out Remus to their friends if Remus wasn't comfortable. But Remus kept denying he was gay at all, just that Sirius happened to be really good at sex.

After that, Sirius made the decision that if they weren't exclusive, he'd start seeing other people too. Remus was pretty sure he was just hurt that Remus didn't want to be with him, but he didn't say that. They continued this way for the last two weeks, taking out their frustrations on each other through loud arguments and lots of sex.

Neither of them were willing to let up, but neither of them wanted the sex to stop either, so they just kept fighting. Sirius refused to stop sleeping with other people if Remus didn't want to be with him, even just in secret, and Remus refused to be in a relationship because he wasn't gay.

The night of the party he'd snapped in front of everyone, calling Sirius a slut. He'd been angry, furious at the thought other people's lips on him, other people holding him the way that Remus was meant to hold him.

The door swung open, slamming into the wall. He knew immediately who it was, it was the same way Sirius had been walking into the room for the last two weeks, full of pent up rage and hunger.

"Remus." His voice was low, dangerous.

Remus opened the curtains and got out of bed, standing in front of him and drawing himself to his full height. He looked down at Sirius, his eyes searching his face.

He knew what he would usually find there, an expression that mimicked his own swirling emotions. But Sirius wasn't like that this time, his anger was gone, he looked up at Remus with eyes filled with so much hurt,

"Why don't you want me?" He asked quietly.

Remus faltered, he'd forgotten during this short time they'd spent like this that Sirius was still his best friend, before their relationship turned so physical, Sirius was Sirius. He felt his heart soften immediately,

"Pads-" He whispered, pulling him into a hug. Sirius sniffed, burying his face into Remus' shoulder,

"I know you aren't looking for a relationship and- and I've been trying to accept that... But it feels like everytime we do this I'm losing you. Like it's not us anymore."

Remus sighed and pulled back just enough to get him to look up, "I love you." He whispered, "You're my best friend and you always will be. I'm sorry I've been so cold recently."

"I'm sorry too." Sirius shook his head, "I knew how angry it made you to see me with them, I should have never tired to hurt you that way."

Remus swallowed. He glanced down at the floor, "Sirius-" He whispered, his voice breaking, "I was angry because I don't want you to be with any of those people. I-" He took a deep breath, "I want you to be with me. Just me. I want to be your... your boyfriend."

Sirius' eyes widened, a flicker of hope Remus hadn't seen for two weeks reigniting, "What?"

"I think I'm in love with you. I'm sorry I've been too scared to say it, I didn't know what I wanted and it terrified me. But I know that I love you, and that I always have. And I want to spend every minute of my day loving you."

"Really?" He whispered. Remus nodded,

"Really."

Sirius leaned up and kissed him, and for the first time it wasn't gripping shirts and clashing teeth, it was soft, careful and full of love. Remus melted into it, he didn't want to hate himself for wanting this anymore. Sirius Black loved him, and that was the best thing he could ever ask for.

"So... you really want this?" He gestured between them, "You want to be my boyfriend?"

Remus nodded, "I do." He smiled and kissed him again, "I want to kiss you like this and not care who sees us."

Sirius beamed up at him, "I thought you didn't want other people to know?"

Remus lifted a shoulder, "I was scared, but I don't want to hide the part of me that loves you anymore."

Sirius intertwined their fingers, "So... we can tell the others sometime?" He asked. Remus nodded towards the door,

"We can tell them now, if you want." He saw the look on Sirius' face and knew he was dying to share the news with them.

Sirius immediatley tugged his hand, pulling him down the stairs and into the common room.

"Oh, thank Merlin you're both okay. I thought Pads went up there to kill you." James sighed, wiping a hand over his forehead.

"So you guys really are okay now?" Peter asked, glancing between them skeptically as though he was waiting for them to break into a fight any second now. Sirius nodded, his smile bright enough to light up the room,

"Better then okay."

Marlene shot a glance down at their hands, then at Remus' own shy smile. She gasped dramatically, "No way!" She shouted, "And you never even told us?!"

Remus cleared his throat, "Well, it's a little complicated." He laughed.

Peter raised an eyebrow, "What are you talking about?"

"The fighting, the slamming doors, the glaring, it all makes so much sense now!" She rambled on. Dorcas placed a hand on her arm,

"Marls, in english please?" She laughed.

"They've been secretly having sex! I knew it was sexual tension I was sensing between you two!"

The rest of the group gasped and turned back to them, most eyeing their hands with new eyes,

"Is that true?" James asked. Sirius smiled brightly again,

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Remus John Lupin..." He glanced at him, his eyes filled with awe, "My boyfriend."

Gasps and cheers erupted from their friends. Lily immediatley stood up to throw her arms around them both,

"I'm so happy for you!" She laughed, hugging them tightly. Frank held up his hands,

"Wait, wait, wait. Remus is gay?" He asked incredolously.

Sirius nervously looked at him again. Remus took in a deep breath and nodded,

"Yeah." He tried to sound confident, "I am."

The group congratulated them, James immediatley gushing to Lily about all the double date possibilities.

Marlene and Dorcas hugged them, letting them know they were proud to have them in the club.

The rest of the night was spent just like old times, talking and laughing until it was really late and everyone was yawning.

The only difference now was Remus was allowed to touch Sirius and not feel guilty for it, he ran his fingers through his hair, kissing his cheek every once in a while.

They went to sleep in Remus' bed that night, not needing to keep it a secret or worry about being caught.

Remus had never been happier.

~~~♤~~~

#harry potter #marauders #marauders era #wolfstar #remus lupin #remus x sirius #sirius black #wolfstar headcanon #jealous remus #sirius black is a drama queen #light angst #Internal homophobia #remus is bad at feelings #they're so silly

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alleiwentcrazy · 1 year

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“Wow, man, that’s nasty. You should get that checked.”

Someone’s standing in the doorway, Steve’s sane enough to notice that. This someone is wearing the infamous hospital gown, is hooked to an IV, and has Nancy’s hair. Which is exceptionally weird, because Steve has always believed that no one could achieve that kind of volume. Especially while living in a hospital.

This someone is also, not unlike Steve, wrapped in several layers of dressings to shelter their burns from everything that’s bad in this world: infection, stares, more pain.

(Steve isn’t so certain about the last one, though. He sure is in a lot of pain at the moment.)

So someone is standing in the doorway, he’s positive. This someone is staring at him, their gaze curious and open, and it’s not a nurse, and it’s not a doctor. Partly that’s why Steve doesn’t believe that this person is even real at first. His visitors must wear gowns and gloves—something about it being too early to risk an infection. So despite the hair, it is not Nancy.

It’s a someone. Maybe. Probably. Steve doesn’t know—his eyes are barely open and he’s too high on painkillers to differentiate between dreams and reality. When the sweet numbness overwhelms him again, he has half a mind to say: Maybe it’s an angel, standing in my doorway.

***

As Steve’s recovery progresses (and the amount of painkillers he’s being pumped with decreases), he gets more and more aware of reality.

For starters, he learns that he’s not living some sort of fever dream. He was—is—a firefighter, who got pretty badly burned, and his sides, some parts of his belly, back and arms need very special and very expensive treatment. Hence the hospital bed, the gown, the dressings, meds, pain, et cetera. This burn center is going to be his home for the next few weeks, and Steve’s okay with that. It means that he got to save a life, even if his own was put at risk in the process.

He can live with that, definitely. With the scars and the pain, no problem. What’s killing him now is his own curiosity.

He hasn’t been seeing angels, turns out. He’s been seeing fellow patients – one patient in particular. That someone who hovered over the threshold when he first started his recovery. Steve’s been seeing him almost every day, taking slow steps across the hallway, dragging his IV behind him, the patchwork of dressings and scarring tissue changing frequently.

Without fail, each time this man passes Steve’s room, his steps slow down. Sometimes, he sends Steve a wink. On better days, Steve supposes, when the scarring on his cheek doesn’t bother him that much, he gives a flash of a smile. Even on the worst days, when walking serves as torture, he acknowledges Steve with a nod, like they know and respect each other.

Everything about him is a mystery to Steve, though. He, too, returns a small wave or a nod or anything, but he still half-believes he’s seeing things that aren’t there, so when this man with long, wavy hair and ridiculously brown eyes passes his room again, he can’t hold it back any longer.

“Beth, who’s that?” he asks. Beth, his nurse slash new hospital friend, looks over her shoulder. When she finally figures out what he means, she smiles.

“Isn’t that your angel?”

He looks at her completely mortified.

“Please, tell me you’ve just made that up.”

Beth laughs and adjusts the position of his bed. “Sorry, love. I’m afraid that everyone heard your delirious tirades about long-haired angels taking you to heaven.”

With how heavily her “everyone” implies everyone, he doesn't even have it in him to groan. He shouldn’t have listened to Robin when she told him that his high is one of the best things in the world.

***

“How come you never scream?”

Steve’s eyes have been shut tight for the whole time his doctor was poking and prodding around his wounds, but now they’re wide open and he, too, wants to ask himself that. How come he never screams? It’s the most pain he’s ever felt in his entire life. It’s ripping him apart, it’s eating him alive, it’s killing him, but he never screams.

He just keeps his eyes closed, waiting for it to be over. Thinking about Robin and his kids, about how he has to stay strong and never show fear because it’s his job to keep them safe and away from the pain even if—or maybe especially if—it comes with taking the pain on himself, bearing it, being torn by it. He keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t think about his failures or the times he was too late to save them; he keeps them shut because he knows that there are going to be more times when he’ll have to keep his eyes open to spot the danger ahead.

But his eyes are open now, open and staring at the man standing in his doorway, backlit and glowing like some non-human entity, asking him such a simple thing that will, without a doubt, make Steve circle down the drain when he’s alone again.

Steve doesn’t dare open his mouth. He’d scream if he tried, and he cannot afford to do that.

“Mr. Munson, you really shouldn’t be here right now.”

Steve shuts his eyes back again.

***

Steve’s recovery is slow, slower than anticipated. When he first got here, his doctors said he’d be able to walk soon-ish, but it’s way past “soon-ish” now and he’s still tied to his bed. It still hurts like hell, he’s still woozy from the painkillers, even though the strongest stuff is out of the question, he’s made sure of that. He’d rather feel everything than risk another embarrassing situation. Maybe it’s stupid, but that’s how it is.

Mainly, Steve just feels lonely. He’s allowed to have visitors, but they can’t stay with him as long as he’d like them to—mostly because they have lives outside of this hospital while Steve’s entire life is in this hospital. He’s lonely, he’s bored, and he’s envious out of his mind, because the man from his doorway gets his walks every day and Steve dreams of nothing but being able to move a little.

Each time Munson walks past his room, he stares. He can’t help it. He doesn’t have a mirror in here, but it’s painstakingly clear to him that he’s glaring daggers at a man that hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just so jealous—his body aches, but it’s a different ache; it’s an ache of being still for too long. An ache of being out of the game. Steve hates being out of the game. It makes him come up with the worst possible scenarios—but he has to thank both his burns and his head trauma for the dizziness, weakness and total lack of coordination that keeps him from starting physio.

With each passing day, his stares get more daunting, but the man doesn’t stop sending him smiles and nods. He knows it’s irrational and unfair, taking out his own fears and anger on someone who can’t do anything about his situation, who’s in an equally shitty situation, actually, but he’s still working on not being mean without a reason. And it seems so harmless, because this stranger never stops smiling at him. No matter how much Steve tries, he can’t seem to convey his feelings, because Munson never stops.

It irritates him even more, enrages him to a point. When Munson smiles at him one day, Steve can’t take it anymore.

“Are you always this chirpy?” he asks, his voice dripping of malice. It disgusts him a little, makes him want to retreat—retreat far away from the version of himself that he dropped years ago, although it’s haunting him to this day. He wants to retreat, but he doesn’t. He pouts instead.

Munson stops in his tracks, raises one eyebrow. He looks amused, and it pisses Steve off.

“Your life must be quite miserable if walking around a hospital with unhealed wounds is your definition of chirpy,” Munson says. It’s supposed to sting, probably, but his smile is still there, despite his injured cheek. Steve’s pout deepens. Munson looks like a cat who got the cream. “Oof, soft spot. It’s okay, sweetheart,” he coos, looking like he’d like to lean against the doorframe, but his injured arm won’t let him. “We can be miserable—oh, sorry. Chirpy, we can be chirpy together.”

Steve doesn’t respond, he doesn’t know how. He feels warm all over. It’s not something he likes. He’d cross his arms over his chest if he could.

Munson stays silent for a moment, a smirk still playing on his lips. The quiet moment stretches out until he takes a big breath and takes a look around. “I’m Eddie, by the way. And I’m very, very late for my usual ‘walk as much as you can but be reasonable, Mr. Munson’ appointment, so I have to get going. But, uh,” he looks at Steve like he’s not sure of something for the first time in his life, even though he’s still playing along. “I could come around tomorrow, Mr…?”

“Steve,” comes the reply. Munson—Eddie smiles, again.

“Alright then, Mr. Steve. Get ready to be the chirpiest you’ve ever been.”

***

The worst thing is, it works. Steve does get chirpier.

It starts out small. Eddie just stops in front of the threshold, spits out the most random, obnoxious and seemingly nonsensical (although Steve suspects they’re all true) fact, like Did you know that cows have four stomachs? or Did you know that geckos can’t blink and they have to lick their own eyeballs to keep them from drying out? or something of sorts, and then he leaves while Steve lies in his bed, suspecting that he’s having hallucinations and fully questioning his sanity. Again.

It gets progressively worse, it does. It gets weirder. At first, Steve isn’t sure what to think of it. Eddie’s strange. He’s also a nerd. He talks in codes, his sentences are long and Steve finds it hard to follow his logic altogether from time to time. But he also makes Steve snort, sometimes even laugh—truly laugh, laugh from his belly. Eddie’s weird, but he’s Dustin-weird, Steve decides. Good-weird. Familiar-weird. Safe-weird.

He makes him feel less lonely. Steve invites him to sit beside his bed after a few days, so now Eddie comes, spits out his random nerdy facts, and they sit and talk around it until the nurses kick Eddie out for not doing his laps.

Steve’s less lonely. He’s so much less lonely he even starts missing Eddie when they’re not together—only a little, but he does. (He knows it’s dangerous. But what’s the harm in that if they’re both stuck here anyway? What’s the harm in a little hospital vulnerability?) It’s quite difficult not to miss Eddie, to be honest. Eddie makes it difficult—he listens when Steve talks, he never hesitates before explaining something when Steve doesn’t get it immediately, he’s patient, but at the same time, he talks so much. The room fills with intricate, engrossing stories and anecdotes whenever he opens his mouth.

The only moments when Steve feels even less less lonely than when he’s with Eddie is when he’s with Robin, and Robin’s the most important person in Steve’s life.

“Contraband,” Eddie says, sitting down on the edge of Steve’s bed one day. He puts something on Steve’s thing – cherry jello and a plastic spoon. His favorite. “Don’t rat me out.”

He smiles at Steve. His cheek is practically healed now; the scar isn’t as big as Steve imagined it from afar, but it sure as hell must have been a menace to get it more or less healed. That’s the only thing they don’t talk about. How they got here, how they got their scars. They support each other through it, but they never dwell.

At least Eddie doesn’t. Steve’s sure everyone knows his story – people love when firefighters let themselves get burned to a crisp while trying to save somebody else, after all, and gossip spreads around the hospital with the speed of plague.

“And get my best dealer behind bars?” Steve asks and scrapes a spoonful of jello from the cup. “They never have cherry. You’re the only one that seems to know where they store it.”

Eddie grins devilishly and leans a bit further. “Do you want to know a secret?” he asks and Steve mumbles something unintelligible in response. “I used to deal,” Eddie says. Steve’s not sure if he does it on purpose or not, but he starts playing with the hem of Steve’s sock, his fingers barely brushing the skin on Steve’s calf. It tingles, but he doesn’t mind.

Steve’s brows go up. “Is that how you got here?” he risks, not really knowing why. He’s not that curious—but it’s the scar on Eddie’s face that’s been haunting him for ages now. So different from his own forming scars, yet, in principle, the same.

Eddie’s face gets softer. Steve can’t recognize the expression properly, it’s different from Eddie’s usual, mischievous smirk. It’s quiet for the longest time, so quiet Steve thinks he’s going to choke on his jello from build-up pressure.

“I’m gay,” Eddie says, suddenly, his voice totally cool and leveled while Steve—

“I’m bi,” he blurts out in response, practically out of breath. To his absolute horror, Eddie chuckles.

“Well, that’s useful,” he says around his crooked smile, “but that’s not what I meant.”

When he points at his face, everything clicks. Steve tries to control his face, but the realization is too sudden.

“What?” he asks before he can think better of it.

Eddie shrugs. His expression is unreadable, but he isn't looking at Steve anymore, his eyes fixed on his own fingers that are still playing with Steve’s sock.

“My band has this one place for gigs that we all don’t really like, but they actually pay us some money. I’ve always thought that it’s enough – this and my arrogance, anyway – enough to scrape by. I’m not too cagey about being gay, and I wanted to spite them, I guess, show them that they can’t win,” he looks up. He looks sad, almost defeated, as much as Steve hates it. “They got their way, as you can see. Tried to pour something on me when I was leaving the stage, but they fucked up, both in terms of chemistry and their aim. It didn’t get me as bad as it could have, so I guess I won anyway.”

Eddie smiles again, but it reaches nowhere near his eyes. He looks so sad, so hurt, and Steve’s so, so angry. It’s easy for him to turn to anger, it’s easy and it’s freeing and he suddenly feels bigger and stronger than he really is, because he wants to destroy something, anything—but he’s not a fighter. He’s a protector. He’s not Nancy; he’s Steve. No matter how hopeless, how betrayed he feels, he doesn’t want to hurt. He wants to heal and save.

“It’s not your fault,” he says, afraid it’s too dumb and too obvious.

“I know,” Eddie replies impassively, looking at him from underneath his too long bangs.

“You said you wanted to spite them. But it doesn’t matter, it’s not your fault,” he drills. Eddie opens his mouth again, but before he gets to say anything, Steve squeezes his knee and looks at him intently. “It’s not,” he insists. “Whatever you said or did, it never mattered. They would have done it even if you’d praised them, you were never the problem.”

Eddie scoffs, but it’s not malicious. His eyes are a little bit glassy. “So you’re saying I’m perfect?”

For some reason, Steve doesn’t have a problem with reading that. Please, let’s not talk about it now. Then foreign fingers graze his own, and he gets it. Thank you, though.

Steve sighs, something tugging at the corners of his lips. The change of topic makes this both heavier and lighter at the same time. He flicks his spoon at Eddie and aims perfectly between his eyebrows.

“Bring me more jello tomorrow and maybe I’ll grace you with saying that out loud.”

“So you’ve thought—”

“Shut up, Eddie.”

Their fingers intertwine in the silence that follows. They look at each other like they can see each other and suddenly, Steve feels the weight of this moment. They’re not strangers anymore—maybe they have never been strangers. Maybe this was meant to happen from the very beginning. He most probably wasn’t seeing angels a few weeks back, but whatever it was that he saw hovering over his threshold, it’s just entered his house and is, hopefully, planning to stay for longer.

#tw for homophobia mention towards the end!!#pining #ok no guys. i do not know what this is lol #matching scars #it's their trope.... in every universe #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #stranger things #st4 #steddie fic #steve x eddie #firefighter steve #modern au #hospital au #god how is that a thing #listen. i did the research but i've also watched too many episodes of grey's anatomy for my own good so this is 100% not accurate #let me live out the delusions #i've been scribbling down bits and pieces of this one for so long it just needs to see the light of day

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leaf-in-a-flower-garden · 8 months

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Not so rare footage of Ayin stabbing a transphobic legislature

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ninadove · 2 months

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Really love how people can still reblog my posts from users I’ve blocked, and add to the mille-feuilles of stupidity.

@staff — something for you to work on in future updates!

#Tumblr needs to do a MUCH better job of protecting their users in general #In light of recent events you might want to crack down on queerphobia urgently…#vent #trigger warning: homophobia #cw: homophobia #trigger warning: biphobia #cw: biphobia

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triflesandparsnips · 7 months

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I've spent a couple days now trying to find the right words for this, and I still don't know if it's quite right, but-- well, fuck it. I need to tell it in three parts, because I'm not sure it breaks down more easily than that, so let's start with:

Stede knew.

...that is to say: The more I think about it, and in light of what we're seeing so far in season 2 (though hey, the new episode drops tonight, who knows, who knows, but--)

--but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that Stede has always known that he's attracted to men-- and he definitely knew, all along, that he was attracted to Ed in particular.

It's been a popular (and very entertaining) theory that maybe he didn't know. There was certainly a lot of static on the line whenever the topic came up in season 1. He seemed to need help identifying "love"; he didn't respond to Ed's flirting or half-attempted moonlight kiss; he didn't, in fact, try anything that wasn't obscured behind ten thousand layers of plausible deniability to the degree that it was reasonable to interpret him as naive or innocent or completely unaware of his own queerness.

But I think... I think that's what it was. Obfuscation. Hiding behind the relative safety of a presumed ignorance.

Because it all comes back, over and traumatically-over, to that queer need for the language of safety.

Listen: Stede Bonnet grew up keenly aware that being the kind of person he was-- being soft, being gay, being different, being queer-- was reason enough for the world to beat the shit out of him even when he was just a socially unacceptable level of queer (picking flowers as a boy, staying unmarried as a man). In Stede's time period, being any more obviously queer than that, and being subsequently found out, could lead to literal death.

So Stede would have been aware that that sort of attraction wasn't safe-- or, at least, that acting on it wasn't safe in any but the most plausibly deniable of ways... unless, and until, he could be absolutely sure.

And that's the thing, that right there, that's the next part of this:

Stede knew, but that doesn't mean he trusted himself-- or Ed.

It's like this:

When you're somebody who's been punished before (socially and physically) for just the appearance of queerness-- god forbid the acceptance or celebration of it-- then you're going to develop a whole lot of ways to protect yourself from anyone getting proof that you're as queer as they suspect.

So if you're caught looking-- no, no, you were just thinking about a book you wanted to read, silly Stede Bonnet, head in the clouds--

--and if your hand is caught lingering too long-- no, no, that can't be right, because you don't touch anyone at all, see? Oh that Stede Bonnet, awkward as anything, barely knows where his tea cup is--

--and no, absolutely not, you can't be fooled into believing a friend might be something more, no matter how flirtatious his body, no matter how much he seems to cherish your regard-- because either he's lying to you (and you learned that one well enough as a child, didn't you), or... or worse, that's just how some men feel friendship, and you're the one making it strange, making it queer, and he wouldn't be like that anymore if you just stopped bothering him quite so much, toddle on back to your wife, Stede Bonnet, and it'll all be fine again...

The tragedy of the first season might really be, out of all that happened, that a man could kiss Stede Bonnet on the mouth and say he made him happy and ask that they plan a life together--

And Stede still doubted that Ed really meant it.

Stede knew, and he doubted Ed... but he was on the road to trusting himself.

I think Stede went to sea to come out.

I think becoming a pirate was a deliberate queering of his previous life, the first step in him trying to actually allow himself an intentional queer identity in a world where the rules, boundaries, and kinds relationships that were expected and acceptable were broad enough for him to finally exist.

And he was right! Because, like-- jfc, of all the reasons the crew wanted to mutiny, it wasn't because Stede was kinda swish. Of all the reasons Spanish Jackie was going to de-nose him, it wasn't because he was swanning around camp af. Calico Jack did some damage, sure, but he dropped it once his overall aim was achieved-- making it less about social punishment and more another way to needle Stede into responding. Hell, even Izzy's initial interactions with him (regardless of what extra ammo he brought to bear later, which tbh may need separate examination entirely once we get more of season 2) were bound up in Stede interfering in his business and somehow succeeding rather than anything having to do with Stede's queerness.

And when you consider it from that angle... my god, the man was a one-man pride parade and his love of Edward Teach was the float at the front.

He used coded language with Ed in the first five minutes he was conscious enough to fuckin do so ("Do you fancy a fine fabric?" --christ, watch Stede's eyes before he asks that question, the way he clocks Ed turning away to test the cashmere, and when Ed gives a safe response that's when Stede shares more, just watch him)--

He took Ed's silk, touched Ed's chest, complimented his looks-- and even if you trust Stede's memory of it over Ed's, where there was no half-gasp, no aborted kiss-- Stede did all that, and Ed didn't punish him for it. My god, when they went their separate ways, Stede turned back to look-- and so did Ed--

He draped his lace cuffs over Ed's bare wrists as they stood together at tea. He let himself believe Ed was committing to a life together when they agreed to co-captaincy. When he thought Ed had left permanently with Calico Jack he was explicit with Lucius about what it meant ("I think it's over")--

Look: Stede has, in comparison and in opposition to his previous life, been a reckless bolt of rainbow glory almost the entire time we've see him in season 1. It just doesn't look like it from the outside because... he's really good at the language of safety.

So all this to say:

It makes sense, Stede having no concern for telling everybody in the entire pirate world apparently about his love for Ed.

It makes sense for Stede to say "I should have told him how I feel"-- because he knew, even then, he was just afraid he was wrong.

And so it would make sense, to me, if Stede, back in proximity with Ed and with definitive proof that Ed felt the same way as Stede (or had, at least, at one point), proceeds to get absolutely weird with how much gooey queer LOVE he throws at Ed from the moment they're both coherent enough to form words.

BECAUSE:

Stede couldn't trust the straight world to be safe? Well now he's dead there, time to be queer af

AND

Stede couldn't trust that Ed wanted him the same way? Well babe just went around making the world burn and then promptly died trying because he got his heart broken by Stede, so Stede is going to be 100% insufferable about showing this very special boy just how much he is absolutely adored.

And I cannot wait to see what bullshit he comes up now that he finally feels safe.

#is this coherent?#no clue #I'm working on MINUS hours of sleep #cw homophobia #queer love #queer identity #Stede Bonnet has been a dark (weird) horse all along #hey can someone else make the connection to what #our flag means death #really means in light of my thoughts above #our flag means death s2 spoilers #our flag means death season 2 rampant speculation

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