#like I don’t want what I’m saying here to be misconstrued as ALL messages like this being bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dearweirdme · 11 months

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“I'm still holding out hope that's it's all pr, but if it's not, then I'm just upset at the FS. I just wish kpop would stop doing it with how homophobic they are”

you didn’t comment on this part of anons ask so i’m not sure how you feel about it but i just wanted to give my opinion bc this ask rubbed me the wrong way.

to start because i don’t want to get misconstrued, kpop definitely does do fan service and baiting (i’m not saying queer baiting because real ppl cannot queer bait). and while imo it’s up to the fan to realize they’re being baited (not in every situation bc some ppl are good at manipulation)- especially in todays climate - and fan service isn’t always bad as long as the idols aren’t intentionally trying to trick you into thinking they’re together, it’s still definitely annoying and irritating because so many of these straight idols end up being homophobic but are participating in fan service and baiting. and of course the companies and kpop world root for baiting and fanservice but then turn around and be homophobic and not even allow idols to come out. a lot of korea in general too of course. then you have the straight fans who love the idea of their idols being gay for each other but then are homophobic and unsupportive of gay ppl irl.

so yes i definitely agree with the last sentence of anons message BUT calling taekook fanservice/baiting just rubbed me the wrong way. now don’t get me wrong i’m not saying they aren’t together but in this case let’s just hypothetically assume taennie gets confirmed tomorrow and taekook ends up not being real, that does not mean taekook was all fanservice/baiting and they’re bad for doing it. if we’re simply looking at it from a taekook isn’t real perspective (bc i know most here believes they are but just for this hypothetical in response to what anon was saying. i know i’m repeating myself a lot but i just want to make sure you get I’m not actually denying taekook) taekook have never done anything to suggest they’re together. looking at tae’s support of lgbt+ artists and hints that you take as him confirming he is or hints or videos you take as confirming taekook is real are simply how you took things in your own perspective. they’ve never done explicit baiting or fan service. they’re close and showing how close they are isn’t wrong and they aren’t at fault for what fans assume. it’s also not like taehyung has not said to “get out of your imagination” before - you cant say they tricked you purposely. what i’m trying to say is if taekook ends up being fake it is not the fault of taekook you assumed they were. yes idols often do stuff like that but taekook never have.

i hope anon and you get what i mean !!

Hi anon!

Thank you for your input. I don't think I'll agree on everything you've said, but let me cut up your ask in smaller sections a bit to discuss. I'm probably going to rant a little.

you didn’t comment on this part of anons ask so i’m not sure how you feel about it but i just wanted to give my opinion bc this ask rubbed me the wrong way.

Yeah, I try not to invalidate anyone's feelings. If someone's upset they can't really help it, even if the reason behind it might be based on bias/misinformation/whatever. I try to ease peoples mind by explaining pr-tactics, bodylanguage etc... more tangible stuff. And it's very complicated matter. There's fanservice, skinship, real connections... all those are mixed together and all of them can co-exist. I was confused about the differences between those at first as well. South Korea being very different from my own culture made this really hard to disect. So I understand why fans are confused about this. Especially with SK being homophobic and shipping between members being... normal. A lot of Kpop's standards are weird to me (being from Europe). I have a big problem with the constant mentions of dieting for instance. Young girls are so impressive and having your idols mention being on a diet so often seems wrong to me. The obvious homophobia is a big NONO. Idols not being able to date in general.... not great although maybe it does at first give them more privacy, but the backlash they get when they do get caught dating, wow! So yeah, not everything is great imo. I am very much aware though that cultures differ, and things that are weird to me are normal to them (the enlisting for instance, I've seen many fans angry at the SK govenment for having idols enlist... and it is very sad.... but then again, most of us do not live in a country that is always in a tense situation with their neighboring country, so we don't know what that feels like). I think SK is slowly catching up, but change takes time... and for a whole culture to change even more time.

There being fanservice in Kpop is not debatable. There is, plain and simple. I feel anyone who has been a fan for an extended time is aware of this. I feel most of army who aren't in an actual shipping part of fandom are real quick to point to every single act of intimacy as fanservice. The way I see it is that they make use of fanservice and skinship a lot to justify physical interactions between members. The over the top grand moments are fan service and the more subtle moments they are able to classify as skinship (which is way more normal in SK than in my country for instance). Fanservice isn't bad. Most bands and artists do fanservice, some just do it more naturally than others. Fans should know that not everything an artist does is his/her/their natural behavior... not everything is spontaneous. Artists go through media training and probably also through training to make them appeal to fans more. I use Jk's flirting in lives as an example of learned behavior, because to me those flirty comments (although hilarious) seem prepared/learned. I do think for younger fans this is hard to understand at first though. You don't want to think of your idol as someone who 'tricks' you with their learned pr-behavior. You want to feel connected on a personal level, so you ignore the business side of things. It's happening now too. I'm calling out certain pr-tactics (which is normal for any artist) and yet I get hate for it. Artists always (!) come with a portion of business, they aren't able to do what they do without it. I’m not sure fanservice is supposed to look ‘queer’, I often feel the intent initially (in kpop) was to make it look obvious that it’s fanservice, but some artists just have such great chemistry that it’s easy for fans to start believing it. And once that seed has been planted, it’s hard to get rid of. But having a ‘ship’ alive and thriving isn’t actually bad for business, so labels probably don’t mind much (and might even encourage). It keeps the ships alive, but there will always be enough of army to immediately call "Fanservice" to 'defend' their artists.

I think you are trying to say that Tae and Jk have never done anything to blatantly state that they are together. They have not been obvious about it, so us interpreting situations would have been us interpreting things wronly and therefore we are to blame for misunderstanding (did I understand you correctly). I do agree that they haven't intentionally been obvious about it. I feel very strongly that they do not intent to out themselves and that they even try to protect their relationship from being outed. There have been many moments that I feel their feelings were obvious, but we weren't supposed to pick up on those. In general, because at times they might have felt a bit more bolder, I think they want us to think they are really close friends. I do also feel though, that Tae and Jk have done fanservice (so maybe we disagree on this a bit). I think things can be both. Jk sitting on Tae's lap during the Las Vegas show to me was both fanservice and them wanting to. It’s like getting to do a part of your job that you really really enjoy. From a business perspective it would also be weird to never have Taekook do fanservice together, because they are obviously close, they are in the top physically affectionate members, and all members do fanservice on occasion. I think these things can co-exist. I feel fanservice comes so easy for Tae and Jk though, they just melt into each other. The way their bodies operate around each other is so lovely to see. Can we be mad about them doing fanservice? No, it's part of their jobs. Can we be mad at fanservice in general? Honestly, it would make fandoms lives so much easier if they were to tone that down a lot. Because it is confusing and it makes fandoms argue amongst themselves. Labels make use of that, because an argueing fandam means it’s very much alive.

they’ve never done explicit baiting or fan service.

I agree on the baiting, disagree on the fanservice. Fanservice is part of the job though, while baiting I would classify to a more personal level.

they’re close and showing how close they are isn’t wrong and they aren’t at fault for what fans assume. it’s also not like taehyung has not said to “get out of your imagination” before - you cant say they tricked you purposely. what i’m trying to say is if taekook ends up being fake it is not the fault of taekook you assumed they were. yes idols often do stuff like that but taekook never have.

Absolutely, they should definitely be able to express their closeness how they want. It's wrong to assume intimate behavior between men can't be romantic, but it's also wrong to assume intimate behavior between two men automatically makes them queer. My believe in Taekook stems from all things combined, the frequency of intimate behavoir, the body language, patterns in behavior, clues about queerness, the way I feel they were being hidden.

I don't know if my answer is satisfying, or comprehensable even... it's difficult matter and I feel I’ve just been babbling here 🙈.

#anon #taekook #not saying that western music industry is better by the way #they are meased up in many ways as well #yes this is long

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undercoverpena · 1 year

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little psa.

i am shy. it might not seem it, but I am. if we are moots or if you want to be moots and are unsure if I wanna be, message me. I know that’s putting a lot on you, but i agonised over reaching out first for so long. Even some of my good friends on here that I speak to now daily, i agonised over messaging them for w e e k s. i want to be better, but it takes time — and therapy. I worry, a lot. sometimes too much for saying this is fun, but it’s also cause I care. I care so much. I like to think that even when I’m light-heartedly replying, that comes across, but if it doesn’t, my bad. but I don’t think I’ve ever been mean? but if I have, im sorry.

I’m saying all of this cause I had a few messages in my inbox that kinda hurt my feelings, and I just wanna put out there that my lack of engagement is because im an anxious bean and it takes me a while to act on it. and if you’re upset that sometimes I hold onto asks for a bit before answering, its because I’m working up how to answer you best, wanting to give you a good answer if I haven’t answered it before.

while im not going to post the asks, as I’m trying to be better with curating this space. i wanted to stand in my truth and explain all of this because there’s lots of new faces in these parts and I don’t want anyone to misconstrued what I’m like or anything. I am as open and honest as I can be about most things, including my health and I like to think I give a lot, but I can understand that might not be enough for some, but unfortunately, this is all I have 🤍

#jo’s thoughts #little psa

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twistsandtwizzles · 1 year

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Fic: No Such Thing as Over You

Author's Note: 4,000 words of angst, pining, and poor decisions. Happy Valentine's Day?

Content warning for some language and sexual situations

She ends it, for real this time, on one of those strange, rudderless days over the holidays. She’s home after a whirlwind stretch of shows and vacations, now with time to think about all the things she’s been avoiding thinking about, and she may not know if it’s Monday or Thursday but she does know what she has to do.

“It just hurts too much,” she tells him. “It hurts when we’re apart, because I miss you. Then it hurts when we’re together, because I know how little time we have before one of us has to leave again.”

It also hurts to have to hide, to sometimes feel like he’s keeping her a secret, but she doesn’t add that to the list. They’ve fought about it enough.

Mariah fiddles with a throw pillow. He waits silently on the other end of the video call as she gathers her thoughts. He hasn't pushed back, hasn’t used his unfailing logic to list all the reasons that she’s wrong, to lay out his case for why they should keep trying.

That maybe hurts most of all.

“It shouldn’t be this hard,” she says finally.

“I know.” He sighs. “I wish . . . I don’t know. I wish I could be there. Or you could be here.”

“That’s the thing, though, right? That’s not an option. And we can’t do two more years of this.”

Two more years of their hearts sinking as it becomes obvious that the FaceTime will go unanswered. Two more years of misconstrued messages and misplaced jealousy. Of telling themselves that it will all be easier when they finally see each other in person, only to have their reunion rescheduled. And rescheduled again.

“So we just, what?” he asks. “Go back in time? Be friends and pretend like this never happened? Because I don’t think I can do that.”

This is the part that she’s been dreading the most. “Neither can I. Which is why I think we . . . give each other some space. Don’t talk, for a while.”

His face tightens. “Right.”

“Not forever,” she says hurriedly. “I don’t want that either. Just until . . .”

Here she trails off. Until what? Until she stops loving him? She can’t imagine how long that will take.

But she can see their new lives rolling out in front of them, leading them in different directions. Knows that fighting to hang onto each other is only going to hold them both back.

“Until it hurts less,” she finishes, her words unconvincing even to her own ears.

“Right,” he says again, voice terse. He’s no longer looking at the screen. “If that’s what you want.”

It’s the last thing she wants. But it’s the only way she can possibly see getting through this.

Neither of them speak for a long minute. He takes a deep breath. “Well, I guess that’s it, then.”

“Nathan -”

“Good luck with school. I’m proud of you.” He reaches toward his screen, about to hang up, but there is one last thing she needs to tell him.

“This was the best year of my life,” she says, wanting him to know that she doesn’t regret any of it.

The look in his eyes would have broken her heart if she hadn’t already broken it herself. He smiles sadly. “Mine, too.”

Then he’s gone.

She buries her face in Nala’s fur and cries.

—

She starts school. It’s overwhelming, exhilarating, terrifying, boring . . . everything she had been hoping it would be. She loves the energy on campus, the experience of sitting in a lecture hall, even loves the way her first reading assignment makes her eyes cross.

Every time she gets the urge to text him, she writes it in her notes app instead. By the end of the first week of class, there are 47 messages there that she’ll never send.

I just had to run across campus to get to class now I understand why you use that dumb skateboard.

I feel old. Am I too old for this?

Psych prof is Raf with a Texas accent, maybe long lost twins?

I miss you

She reads them back all at once, then hits delete.

He doesn’t go to Nationals, and she’s both relieved and disappointed. Most of their friends are there; they gently inquire about how she is doing. She recognizes the tone. She wonders who he told about the breakup first, what he said. She refrains from asking any of them about him. She tells them she is doing fine.

Because she is. She’s grateful she came, and that she has a job to do while she’s here. It’s fun to see the event from another perspective, to be a part of the action in a different way. It’s also a little bit strange how her competition days already feel like they were so long ago. The world just keeps moving on.

Meanwhile, Nathan goes to the White House. Her aunt, apparently behind on the family gossip, sends her the video, adding How cool for him!!!

Mariah watches it standing in the mixed zone, feeling like the ground is falling out from under her feet. He cut his hair, is all she can think. He cut his hair and shook the President’s hand. And I had no idea.

She excuses herself, finds an empty stairwell where she can pull herself together. Reminds herself that not being a part of his life is what she said she needed. Returns with a smile on her face.

She is doing fine.

A bunch of the alumni skaters go out on the final night of the competition. The last time she was out in San Jose was on tour in the spring, when she made out with Nathan in a corner booth while their friends laughed and danced, all of them stumbling back to their hotel giggly and tipsy, on top of the world.

Tonight she drinks too much, finds herself leaning over a toilet in the club bathroom like she’s 21 again, apologizing profusely as a friend holds back her hair.

“You gotta let yourself grieve, babe,” her friend says, rubbing her shoulder gently. “If you don’t let yourself feel it, it won’t get better.”

“He cut his hair,” Mariah replies sadly.

She always told him how much she liked it long.

—

In late March, her sister sets her up on a date with one of her boyfriend’s friends. Mariah protests, says it’s still too soon, but her sister convinces her to at least give it a shot.

“It’s drinks, not a lifetime commitment. Plus he’s never worn a pair of skates in his life,” she says, applying Mariah’s eyeshadow. “It’ll be a good change of pace for you.”

His name is Tyler. He’s nice. Tall, blond, blue eyes. Texan, born and raised. They talk about her classes and his job. He laughs politely at her jokes (admittedly not her best work), walks her to her door, gives her a hug. Says he’ll call her. She’s doubtful he will. She breathes a sigh of relief once she’s inside.

She was right. She wasn’t ready. What she is, instead, is exhausted. She’s tired of pretending that she doesn’t miss Nathan, that she doesn’t want to talk to him everyday.

She has her phone to her ear before she can even really process what she is doing.

He answers on the second ring. “Mariah?”

She did not think about what she was actually going to say if he answered. Or how good it would feel to hear him say her name.

“Hello?” Nathan asks. She can hear people and music in the background. A normal college student out on a normal Friday night. She’s not sure why that makes her sad. “Mariah?”

She manages to find her voice. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The background noises recede a bit; she wonders if he’s moving out into a hallway. “What’s going on?” She tries to identify his tone. Confused? Wary? Hopeful? Maybe that last one is her wishful thinking.

“I, um. Sorry to bother you.” This was such a bad idea.

“Is everything okay?”

“I went on a date,” she blurts, then winces.

“You called for the first time in months to tell me you went on a date?” He sounds pissed, and she can’t blame him.

“I hated it.”

A beat of silence. “Okay? I don’t know what you want me -”

“I just miss you. All the time.”

She hears a door shut, the hum of the party going quiet. He exhales. “I miss you, too.”

“Well. Good.”

He gives a soft huff of laughter. The tension eases, a little.

“You’re at a party?” she asks, because it feels like the easiest topic to grab a hold of.

“Yeah. I mean, kind of. Just some people hanging out.”

It’s the kind of vague answer that would have driven her crazy several months ago - who is “some people”? Where are you? - but she knows she no longer has the right to ask for details. So she nods, even though he can’t see her, and reaches desperately for another topic. “How’s school? Do you still like your lab?”

“Mariah. Stop.” His voice is gentle but firm. “You can’t just call out of nowhere and pretend like everything is normal.”

“I know,” she says, chastened. “I’m sorry.”

“I was just starting to figure out how to do this, how to not have you in my life, and I finally stopped thinking about you for one second, and now you . . . It’s not fair. Because nothing with us has changed.” He pauses. “Has it?”

She desperately wants to say yes, things have changed. Fuck the distance, fuck school, it doesn’t matter. They can try again. They can make it work this time.

She’d be lying. And they both know it.

“No,” she says. “It hasn’t.”

The silence stretches between them, the conversation all but over but neither of them willing to sever their tentative reconnection. Both clinging to their phones like they're a lifeline.

He says, “I should go.”

“Okay,” she replies. Neither of them hangs up.

She hears a knock, the sound of a door opening, party noises flooding back into the room. A girl’s voice asks if everything’s okay. He says he’ll be done in a minute. The girl says something Mariah can’t quite catch, and he chuckles. The door closes again.

“You should go,” she says. It comes out sharper than she intends it too.

“Yeah.” He hesitates. She knows he’s debating how to acknowledge the voice. She wonders if he’ll downplay it. Or maybe try and make her jealous.

He simply settles for, “Bye, Mariah.” Which stings more than any explanation would have.

She texts her sister. Tells her to tell Tyler that she had a nice time.

—

She’s thrilled to be invited to perform in Japan that summer. She’s been going a little stir crazy, camped out in Dallas, traveling only for smaller domestic shows for most of the spring. So a couple of weeks in Japan, doing what she loves with a bunch of her friends, is exactly what she needs.

Tyler drives her to the airport. “I’ll miss you,” he says, lifting her suitcase out of the back of his truck. “Two weeks feels like a long time.”

She stands on her tiptoes, gives him a quick kiss. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

She doesn’t look back at him as she rolls her bag inside. It’s only once she gets past security that it occurs to her that she probably should have.

She’s jittery the whole flight. She can’t focus on a movie, or her magazines, or even her podcast, and eventually she gives up and just stares out the window. She’s never been a great flier, but her nerves are worse than usual. She tries to convince herself that this has absolutely nothing to do with Nathan headlining this show.

And the reason she spends far too long getting ready on the first day of rehearsal has nothing to do with the fact that they have not been in the same room together for nearly eight months.

Because if that was the reason, it’d be ridiculous. They’ve both moved on. She’s with Tyler. He’s with . . . well, she heard about a gymnast. And then a tennis player. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. She and Nathan are both professional adults. This will be fine. She’s fine.

He’s already on the ice when she gets to the arena, halfway through his runthrough. She slips silently into a seat at center ice, a few rows back, and watches.

The song is moody, one of his cool indie bands singing about missed chances. He arcs his way across the ice, his movements precise and achingly beautiful, blades as sure as ever. She is not surprised that his skating still takes her breath away.

His program ends. He returns to himself, back from wherever it is that he goes when it’s just him and the ice and the music, and his eyes meet hers.

For a second, it feels like it’s just her and Nathan again. Her shoulders relax, the tightness in her chest eases, and she forgets that she has spent the last twenty-four hours sick with anxiety.

Then he skates toward her, and she remembers. She meets him at the edge of the rink, clutching her equipment bag so she has something to do with her hands.

“Hey,” he says. His hair has grown back out a bit, curling over his ears and the back of his neck. “Did you just get in?” His tone is cordial, a little cautious. She’s glad that he seems to be nervous too.

“Yesterday,” she replies. “I haven’t really slept, so today should be interesting.”

He glances back to the ice, where the other cast members are starting to gather. “I should let you get ready, but uh . . . maybe we can catch up at lunch?”

“I’d like that,” she says honestly.

Something that looks like relief flashes across his face. “Great.” He begins to skate away, pauses. “It’s, um. It’s really good to see you.”

A few hours later, they grab their lunch from catering and bring it outside, perching on some benches near the arena entrance. They start with the easy stuff, a bit haltingly: school, family, what tv they’ve been binging. Shaking the rust off, uncovering their neglected friendship one layer at a time. Eventually the muscle memory takes over and they begin to fall back in their old rhythm. She’s telling a joke and he is laughing when tears spring to her eyes.

God, she’s missed him.

She looks down at her half-eaten salad, not wanting him to see that she’s upset, but of course he still knows her too well for that. He reaches out as if he’s going to touch her hand. Seems to think better of it.

“We should get going,” she says, avoiding his eyes. “I’ll see you inside.” She leaves him sitting on the bench.

She looks back at him as she opens the arena door. He is watching her walk away.

—

Her skate lace breaks about twenty minutes before the start of the first show. She’s tearing apart the empty dressing room, feeling fairly ridiculous in the neon green dress she’s been given for their 80s-themed opening group number, and beginning to panic because she can’t find her replacement laces. Then - of course - Nathan appears with supplies, telling her to sit down, his fingers confidently tying her boot exactly the way she likes to wear it.

Always prepared. She’s still surprised that he was never a Boy Scout. She watches him work, his face serious and focused, and tries to ignore the pounding of her heart. She is acutely aware that they are alone in this part of the building right now, the rest of the cast and crew already gathering near the tunnel.

He finishes with her lace and pauses. She thinks maybe he is going to say something but then, slowly and deliberately, he slides his hand up from her skate and runs it along the back of her leg. Her breath catches, the desire hitting her all at once. They lock eyes, his burning with the same intensity she feels, and as he begins to pull away, she grabs his wrist.

His lips are on hers in a flash. Mariah digs her fingers into his hair as he rises to his feet, lifting her along with him. She kisses him urgently, desperately, the way she has wished she could kiss him everyday since the last time she saw him.

She gasps as he presses her back against the dressing room wall, his hips grinding against hers. Their hands are everywhere as they try to touch every bit of each other, working to make up for so much lost time. She wraps a leg around him, pulls him closer, knowing that they are both wearing their skates and guards and their balance is precarious, not caring in the slightest.

His hand is roaming along her upper back, searching for something, and he finally growls, “WHAT is this costume?”

“The side,” she breathes, lifting her arm so he can access the closure. She wriggles out of the strap as he unzips her, his mouth on her breast as soon as her dress falls away. She arches into him, her hands finding their way to his waistband, when the backstage lights flicker.

Five minutes to showtime.

They freeze, foreheads pressed together, breathing heavy. Then he disentangles himself, making sure she has her balance as he does so, takes a step back. She loops her arm back into her costume, concentrating on closing the zipper and clasp while he gets himself sorted.

It was a mistake and it wasn’t. It can’t happen again but it will. It will shatter their barely mended hearts. She knows these things in her bones.

She pauses on her way out of the room, moves the rogue curl on his forehead back into place. She says, “We’ll talk after the show.”

He nods.

They don’t do much talking.

—

For ten days, it’s easy - too easy - to pretend. She can almost believe that they are back together for real, that they aren’t going to be returning home to completely separate lives 1,600 miles apart.

It should worry her, she thinks, how simply things click back into place. How right it feels, being with him, despite every reason they broke up in the first place still being true. How quickly she loses sight of the big picture when they are together.

We’ll deal with it later, she tells herself every night as she lies next to him, him falling asleep instantly; her wide awake, mind spinning.

It’s a losing strategy, but it’s the only one she’s got.

She wakes the morning of their last show to her phone ringing - Tyler, again. She tries to ignore the stab of guilt in her stomach as she sends the call to voicemail, puts her phone back on the nightstand face down. Another thing she will deal with later. She looks over to see Nathan watching her, face inscrutable. She looks away.

“What are you going to tell him?” he asks.

She has been wrestling with the same question, but it rankles coming from him. “I’m not sure that’s your business.”

He scoffs. “C’mon.”

She grabs a t-shirt from the floor, one of Nathan’s, and slips it on as she gets out of bed. “I’m not talking about him with you,” she says. “It’s not - he’s not - he has nothing to do with what happens between you and me.”

“So what does, then? If he’s not a factor?”

She stares at him, exasperated. “How many times do we have to talk about why this won’t work?”

“But it IS working,” he says. “Right now, it’s working. Really, really well.” He slides on a pair of sweats, crosses the hotel room so he can take her hand. “I don’t want to give us up again.”

She sighs. “It always works, when we’re together. But, Nathan . . . we are almost never together.”

“I graduate in less than a year.”

“And then you’ll go back to Irvine, skate again. Or start grad school. You finishing Yale doesn’t suddenly solve our problems.”

“I could come to Texas.”

“We both know you’re not moving to Texas,” she says. “Be serious.”

“I could. I will, if that’s what it takes. They have schools there. And ice rinks. And you.”

She reaches up and kisses him softly. “I love you. You know that, right? It is not easy for me to say no to this.”

He drops her hand. “Then don’t say it.”

“Nathan . . .”

“I don’t understand why you don’t even want to try.” He steps away from her as he speaks, snatches a sweatshirt from his suitcase and pulls it over his head.

“We did try, remember? We tried so hard.”

He shakes his head. “We gave up too soon. We’ll do better this time. I’ll do better this time.” His voice breaks, and she starts to move toward him. He takes another step back. “Just tell me we can try.”

She wishes that she could give him what he is asking for. “Maybe we shouldn’t make any decisions right now. Maybe we wait until we’re home. And then we can see how we feel.” We’ll deal with it later.

His shoulders sag. “Fine.”

“We have one more day here together. Let’s just enjoy it. Okay?” She gives him her best attempt at a smile before heading into the bathroom.

When she comes out two minutes later, he’s gone.

—

She breaks up with Tyler as soon as she gets home. She knows she was using him, knows she will probably always feel guilty about it. He does not seem surprised, but because he is unfailingly nice, wishes her well. Tells her he hopes she finds what she is looking for. She doesn’t tell him that she thinks she already has, and that she lost it.

Nathan goes back to Connecticut, starts his senior year. Gets accepted to almost every med school he applies to. Of course.

They don’t vanish from each other’s lives again, both agreeing that of all their bad decisions, that was the worst one. They slowly re-learn how to be just friends. They are successful, for the most part. Completely successful, if they don’t count their lapse in judgment at a friend’s 30th birthday party in the fall. Which she doesn’t, since there were extenuating circumstances (namely tequila).

They both date other people, though never seriously, and never for long.

Two of their friends get married the summer after Nathan graduates. She gets a text from the bride a couple of weeks before the wedding: FYI, Nathan didn’t RSVP for a plus one.

Mariah texts backs, JUST FRIENDS.

She gets an eye roll emoji in response.

The wedding is gorgeous, because of course it is. She cries through the entire ceremony, and also all of the speeches.

After dinner, their teammates conspicuously vanish from their table all at once, leaving her and Nathan alone. She glances at him. “They think they’re subtle.”

He smiles. “They really do.”

She raises her wine glass. “Congratulations on graduating.”

“Thank you.” He raises his beer in response. “Only took me six years.”

“Well, you did win an Olympic gold medal in the middle there, so you know. You should only be a little bit ashamed.”

He laughs. The dance floor is filling up behind them, and he stands, reaches out a hand. “Shall we?”

She takes his hand, follows him out to join their friends.

When a slow song starts, he draws her close. She wraps her arm around him, nestles her head against his shoulder.

He says, “I love you.”

He says it simply. Not asking for anything, not making some sort of grand romantic gesture. Stating it like it’s just a fact.

“I love you too,” she replies.

And maybe it really is that simple. It doesn’t matter whether they are friends or lovers or strangers or some weird thing in between. Despite her best efforts, she can’t stop loving him.

It is a terrifying thought and also a comforting one.

He kisses her forehead, and she closes her eyes. Feels the rise and fall of his chest as they sway to the music. Allows this, for the next three minutes, to be enough.

#fic #nathan x mariah #chenbell

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awesomefringey · 2 years

Note

I may be naive but I do not see why everyone is so upset with Liam. Sure, everyone has the right to their opinion, but I also think that many choose to misinterpret what he says.

To me it sounds more like Liam is trying to defend Zayn. Maybe he should have chosen his words a bit more carefully but I don’t think he goes into detail regarding Zayn's childhood. He rather contributes with perspectives on why different people have different behaviors. And he is trying to give people a reason to forgive or understand Zayn. Even if that’s not Liams place, I do not think he did it out of spite.

He says he doesn’t agree with everything that Zayn has done, but he will still always be there for him. I think that is completely reasonable. If my friends act wrongly, I do not have to accept it just because they are my friends. I will, however, accept the human factor, that we make mistakes. I definitely do not always do things that I am proud of and I do not want my friends to accept bad behavior from me. But I want them to believe in my ability to reflect and change and to support me on that journey.

I think a lot of people think that Liam badmouthed Zayn just because he hinted at the accusations against him. But we do not need to continue to normalize a culture of silence around vi*lence. Regardless of what is true or not in the accusations against Zayn, one is allowed to say that a vi*lent or threatening behavior is not okay. That doesn’t mean we think that Zayn is a bad person.

Like I said maybe I’m naive or maybe I just misunderstood the whole thing. I know Liam said a bunch of other stuff too but this message is already long enough. I'm just upset about how mean people are.

Ok nonnie, there’s a lot to unpack here.

I’ve watched the entire podcast myself and I’m of course open to the idea that I’ve misunderstood what Liam said. But I’m not actively choosing so nor am I oblivious to the fact that my perceptions will always be impacted by my experiences and triggers. Thus all of us having different interpretations, but that doesn't mean it's malice. In this case the majority felt Liam shouldn't have said what he said about Zayn (and a lot of other things). Also Zayn's cousin was angry about it which leads me to believe that if Liam was misunderstood, he was also misunderstood by Zayn.

To me, Liam used Zayn's weakest moment (unsolicited! on a podcast!) to brag about his intimate knowledge of Zayn's background, turning it into a display of his empathy and implying he's been offering help over and over again (as if it wasn't Liam's mental health that's constantly being questioned in his fanbase but here we are now).

I don't see bad intend or spite. I even think this wasn't about Zayn as a person, at all. Zayn was just a vehicle for Liam to tell a story about himself. And while that's absolutely fair to do so, Liam did proactively choose a very very sensitive topic out of Zayn's life, to impulsively mock Zayn at first to then backtrack in a weird way of making sure we knew yes, Liam thought Zayn's indeed a d*ck, but also Liam is so understanding and super compassionate about it because he knows there are reasons. And that has nothing to do with speaking up against violence or calling out a friend. It's invasive and it's framing a narrative when Zayn himself asked for privacy to protect his family and his daughter.

What you describe and experience within your friendships is wonderful yet it's something that happens with a sense of privacy. You would feel different if your friends used your lowest moment - that was possibly misconstrued in the press and you had chosen not to fight and set the record straight in favour of finding peace - in an interview and reminding the world that it happened while you've probably long made amends in the meantime and are already in a better place...

Don't judge your perception as naive or other's as choosing a false interpretation. All is valid. We can always agree to disagree. And I can tell you're coming from a place of love for Liam there, and it's totally fair to point out how you feel about Liam's intentions.

PS: What a timing, Liam just tries to amend things there himself.

#ask #liam payne #i chose the smaller font because your message was so large #i hope you still like to read it #lol

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mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa · 1 year

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I agree with what you said about Hybe and BH being better to all of their artists than other k-pop companies. To me though that doesn’t necessarily mean they will support all of the BTS members or the other BH artists’ solo work equally.

I can’t help but wonder why on earth JK keeps saying that he hasn’t prepared an album and that he isn’t working on one right now. On top of it, during the NY’s message he said that everytime he plans something it doesn’t work out so now his only plan for the rest of the year is not to work and take time off. It could be that he genuinely wants time off now but I feel like this is such a drastic change from the JK of even last year who kept talking about his excitement to perform different types of music and to work on his solo album.

Taking the rest of the year off also doesn’t sound like he has an album he’s already finished and is just waiting for his turn to release. It sounds like he doesn’t have anything in the works except for whatever random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract he happens to get thrown at him during the year. It seems like he’s on call. But it also doesn’t sound like it’s fully his choice though he’s trying to make the best of it and he won’t say anything publicly. JK is in a way stuck. The other k-pop labels don’t have the operations or the ability to help him produce the kind of solo album I imagine he wants. He doesn’t have the language skills to move to a western label on his own so he doesn’t have that much choice but to make the best of this down time. He is at BH’s mercy. He is such a talented performer but he’s not like the rap line who have been writing and producing their own work for years. He’s more like Jimin where he needs producers and writers to help him in the songwriting and album creation.

What the actual reason behind his current hiatus is none of us know for sure but from things he has said I’m not convinced things are as nice with BH as some think. BH and Hybe are spreading their creative production resources very thin. They not only have the BH artists to support but also throw enough help here and there to all of the satellite Hybe acts as well. Even the ones who are still being run by their own management companies under the Hybe umbrella.

Hi,

Firstly, I was (and kinda still am) a little irked by your ask. I consider myself a half glass full kind of guy, but the (personally unwarranted and miscontrued evidence) negativity just set me off, so if this comes of as rude or passive aggressive, you've been warned…

To me though that doesn’t necessarily mean they will support all of the BTS members or the other BH artists’ solo work equally.

Well that contradicts what HYBE/BH said earlier this week didn't it…

View on Twitter

This is the full translation of the video in the tweet...

I can’t help but wonder why on earth JK keeps saying that he hasn’t prepared an album and that he isn’t working on one right now.

Oh come on JK has been talking about his mixtape (now possible album) since 2020. Albums can take years to make, other times months. We know JK at times has struggled to motivate himself to write music. But I think he has an album ready and is just waiting for it be released, it happens all the time. Nothing more, nothing less.

On top of it, during the NY’s message he said that everytime he plans something it doesn’t work out so now his only plan for the rest of the year is not to work and take time off.

I think you're misconstruing what he said and meant. He was referring to new year's resolutions and how in the past he'd make them and then never followed through. Don't believe me go and check previous New Years videos and you'll see it becomes a bit of running joke with JK never finishing his plans. So, this he decided this (direct translation of the subtitles on the original video)...

"I always had plans, but things didn't go as planned. So this time, I want to let it go and enjoy it, get less stress, and do it without thinking. So honestly, I don't have a personal wish… Is it the wind?"

So tell me where did he say he's gonna take a year off????

Additionally, It's also got bugger all to do with BH interfering in his album and him not wanted to commit to something (like learning English for example) something he knows he can't fulfil.

It could be that he genuinely wants time off now but I feel like this is such a drastic change from the JK of even last year who kept talking about his excitement to perform different types of music and to work on his solo album.

I swear some K-fans (not necessarilly you, but you're expressing a view point I see a lot), are spoilt and self-entitled because they expect JK to produce stuff on their whims, and expectations. Completely forgetting that HYBE/BH are a company that have make long term plans, particularly when it comes to music releases and forgetting that some of their artist's music has been in the planning for YEARS, Repeat Y-E-A-R-S!!!. We know this because BTS themselves have pre-planned the albums years in advance.

Oh and OMFG (guess what the F means!) IT's ONLY BEEN THREE F'ing MONTHS since the world cup... That's shorter than the Hiatus of last year .

Also, just because it's a perception that it's only JK not really having any "work", I would not be surprised to discover that RM is also off schedule, but we don't hear about it because RM wouldn't reveal that to us. SOME ARMY need to learn a little more patience because we don't know what will happen tomorrow, or in two weeks/months/years times.

Taking the rest of the year off also doesn’t sound like he has an album he’s already finished and is just waiting for his turn to release.

I think we've established he's not actually take the rest of the year off. Also, after completing an album, it can take a minimum of 6 months to set up it's release.

It sounds like he doesn’t have anything in the works except for whatever random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract he happens to get thrown at him during the year.

As a friend of mine would say...

It seems like he’s on call. But it also doesn’t sound like it’s fully his choice though he’s trying to make the best of it and he won’t say anything publicly.

Did he say it wasn't his choice because I don't recall that being the case.

JK is in a way stuck.

No, he isn't, he's just off schedule and probably a little bored. Remember most of his friends are Idols with their own careers and comebacks/schedules to plan and implement.

The other k-pop labels don’t have the operations or the ability to help him produce the kind of solo album I imagine he wants.

Well he's certainly wealthy enough to produce his own album and I'm sure a company would happily distribute it... but it ain't gonna happen because I predict he'll (and the other members) will re-sign with BH eventually, and where will all the naysayers be then.

BH will produce and release if album when it scheduled to be released, in their production schedules, like any other mother*king music company.

He doesn’t have the language skills to move to a western label on his own so he doesn’t have that much choice but to make the best of this down time. He is at BH’s mercy.

It's called an interpreter darling... Look it up.

He is such a talented performer

Something we can agree on...

but he’s not liked the rap line who have been writing and producing their own work for years. He’s more like Jimin where he needs producers and writers to help him in the song writing and album creation.

Oh and you let yourself down there. You do know that JK is credited as a producer at KOMCA (Korean Music Copyright Association) and has produced (not just co-wrote) on two songs, don't you?

What the actual reason behind his current hiatus is none of us know for sure but from things he has said I’m not convinced things are as nice with BH as some think.

Projecting much? Please refer to my previous response above...

BH and Hybe are spreading their creative production resources very thin.

IN YOUR OPINION... NOT AS A FACT

They not only have the BH artists to support but also throw enough help here and there to all of the satellite Hybe acts as well. Even the ones who are still being run by their own management companies under the Hybe umbrella.

Erm, No...

Pledis.. pretty much has it's own in-house producers that work solely on artists like SEVENTEEN

New Jeans is produced by Min Hee-jin & Park Jin-su

Enhyphen is produced by a guy called Wonderkid

TXT's producer is former BTS producer Slow Rabbit

Le Sserifem is mainly produced by independent producers 13 (Score & Megatone) who have produced for artisits like Golden Child and Taemin.

As for the member's current work...

Hobi's album production was overseen by him with producers Pdogg, EVAN and GHSTLOOP working on individual songs.

RM's album featured Pdogg and GHSTLOOP

Jimin's release is mainly produced by Pdogg, EVAN and GHSTLOOP

Hardly stretched if you ask me...

Look it's clear to me that BH are on a production release schedule, I expect TXT to release a something in the next few months, so factoring in that, after Jimin's release we probably only have 3 more albums/mini albums to be released by the members.

It's likely that Suga won't now release an album but perhaps a single to help promote his tour. Followed by RM's second album, then Tae and JKs. I expect JK and Tae's albums to drop at some point between July and December.

OH and if they get some "random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract", collab, acting gig or variety show in the mean time then I'm sure most of us can cope with it.

#my asks #jk #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts jungkook

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bonesandthebees · 10 months

Note

Okay, Burning Gold. First of all, I love the setting. Everything, from the trees to the camp buildings to the infections is described so well. It makes it easy to picture a world in my head.

Then there’s what I shall refer to as Tallulah-shadowing. And on a second read, it starts a lot sooner than I noticed it the first time. Because it’s starts here: [“Don’t look up, sweetheart,” he whispered in her ear. “I’ll talk to them.”] On the first read, this just looks like Wilbur not wanting Tallulah to see the weapon, which is definitely still part of the reason, but with such hostile energy he definitely doesn’t want anyone seeing her eyes and figuring out she’s infected.

This open hostility from Etoiles can be mistaken for that of any regular survival group. In reality it’s because they have their own children to protect and a good bout of paranoia from a past encounter gone wrong. [Quackity’s eyes fell back down to Tallulah, his left hand idly twisting a ribbon wrapped around his right wrist.] Rip Tilin. Was it Charlie in this universe? Was that the wrong people they trusted? Or was it just random people?

Also, I gotta love their priorities: neutralise the threat (Etoiles), figure out how their camp was found and if they are in further danger (Baghera) (Though at this point they could assume Tallulah is infected and Wilbur somehow heard about their camp and came looking for safety), check if anyone’s hurt (Forever) and keeping their camp safe (Bad) (via checking whether it’s a Reaper Claw wound, which either reflects or kills you, and then asking if they should let him into the camp).

[“Is it a good idea to let him into the camp though?” Bad asked, furrowing his brows. “We don’t know him. For all we know, he could-”] be dangerous. Is probably what Bad was going to say, but there are a lot of options. All of them are probably related to Wilbur finding out about the kids and trying to hurt them.

Enter Quackity. Going from shock to instant anger is probably the right reaction to have when seeing someone who abandoned you years ago. It does send very mixed messages to all of his friends. Their entire relationship and the way they interact does. All of this to say, everyone in that camp thinks they used to be a Thing(Tm). The one-night-stand comment and the flirty remarks are not helping.

Also, I’m pretty bad at keeping up with the qsmp so most of what I know comes from dash osmosis, but I gotta love Etoiles being totally down for murder the entirety of the chapter. He let's up a bit when they learn Quackity and Wilbur know each other, and then instantly goes back to being down for murder. A fair reaction when you learn you are looking at someone who left your friend behind. Abandoning people in general is not a food quality to have in one of your group members.

And cutting this of here because I have a feeling this is going to be looooooooooonnnnnnggggg. Sorry not sorry. I’m having a blast.

(1/?)

-🌲

I had such a specific color palette in my head for this fic. bright orange tree canopy, white tree trunks, shimmering liquid gold falling from branches and seeping into the earth and dripping from the reaper's jaws—idk why those colors are what popped into my head with this but I'm so glad you enjoyed the setting

oh yeah the tallulah-shadowing started super early on. I had a lot of fun sprinkling hints here and there but in a way that could easily be explained as wilbur just trying to keep her safe, but was actually tied to him not wanting the others to figure out what she is. and ofc this goes the other way too, with the others hostility being misconstrued as normal survivor paranoia as opposed to them actually trying to protect the same things wilbur is trying to protect

rip tilin... charlie didn't kill tilin directly in this, but I like to think he fucked up which led to them getting killed by accident. maybe he ran into a different survivor group and brought them to the camp thinking they could be trusted? something like that, haven't exactly decided yet

yup they all have different focuses but all work together very well to try and keep the situation under control. it was definitely interesting balancing so many characters with different motivations at one time, but they all ultimately have the same goal—keep the kids safe

no literally wilbur and quackity sent such mixed messages with that convo. everyone in the camp is 100% convinced they're exes.

etoiles is a character very focused on fighting and protecting the people he cares about. 'lonely warrior' or whatever he titles his streams lmao. I haven't watched a ton of him except for the few times i've seen him on other peoples streams, but through dash osmosis I knew he would definitely be the kind of guy in the apocalypse always ready to kill to keep the group safe lol

#ask #spruce anon #burning gold

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wuahae · 1 year

Note

OMG OKAY CAT STRAP IN BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE A RANT

i cannot. actually believe that blue box bitch is making hui compete on bp999 after being in the military for two years. what the fuck. as a ptg fan it is super discouraging to see and i’m rlly worried about the future of pentagon :((( the gp999 contract was an exclusive 2.5 year contract, and if it’s the same for bp, then hui will not have been in a comeback for pentagon for nearly FIVE YEARS !!!!! being a uni is like being punished by god for real

also, this minghao thing hurts bro. ik he probably didn’t say it with the intention of being malicious but that does not change the fact that the sentiment is harmful… idk man, feels bad lmao. i’ve struggled w body image issues my whole life and to hear something like that come from minghao makes me feel uncomfortable and rlly insecure. never would have expected that from him (or any of them) but tbh that’s probably my mistake lol

sorry to dump all this on u and i’m sorry i’ve been m.i.a 😔😔 my tiny lil dumb brain is not working lately so i’ve been trying to take it easy ahdhsh ilysm cat 💛💛💛 take care of urself -🦁

i’m strapped in!!

THE BLUE BOX FJWKFKDK and yeah ,,,, i heard it was gonna be a full 7 year contract this time with the first half promoting only with the new group and the second half promoting with both your own group and the bp999 group?? but like idk i hope he pulls a nu’est where he gets super super popular and makes it to the end and then he doesn’t get voted into the final group wkhdwkkfwk but honestly we never know what the situation is until the show comes out with his interview :/ i’m not even a uni (real) i’m just a casual fan but its just so ….. 😭 btw the fact that hwanhee and xiao from up10tion who debuted around the same time as ptg are here too ,,,,, the trainees are about to get shown up!!!

and ok. when i first saw it the minghao thing was really disappointing to see and i know that this is said all the time but it doesn’t make it less true ,,,, east/southeast asian culture tends to carry the sentiment that being bigger is inherently bad and it’s not surprising that there was a clip of him saying those things and repeating that rhetoric when its the culture he was raised in.

BUT. THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT. i also heard people saying that it was a mistranslation and the clip that went viral is actually not showing the full context? (p.s i don’t want to seem like i’m defending him or excusing minghao if he really did say those things but i’m just relaying what i’ve seen!) but basically the translation on the video kind of misconstrues what minghao was saying. the full context was that minghao was asked what advice he would give someone who was skinny and wanted to gain weight, and then asked for advice for someone chubby who wanted to lose weight. minghao then says that what’s most important is loving yourself, because when you love yourself you can know what’s best for yourself, whether it be exercising to gain, lose, or maintain your weight. and that initial thing where he says “stop eating” is said like . jokingly/sarcastically, because the host had previously said that he lost 15kg in one month from not eating and minghao was just referencing that again (and also after he says the joke he gets serious and says that this sort of thing was something he can’t just say carelessly, which is why he goes onto explain his actual answer and advise). the overall message he was trying to say was to love yourself no matter what size you are.

even so, i doubt minghao is completely guilt free in what he said (even if he didn’t mean it like that), especially since he’s still implying there’s a certain “body type” that’s considered healthy(?). but again, if it comes out that minghao really did say it like that then i’m disappointed but not really surprised, but also i think we shouldn’t jump to conclusions before getting all the facts straight :’)

#i rly hope people don’t misinterpret my response as me blindly defending him or anything hejfksnfkd #i hope i worded everything clearly 🥲#but ofc i think everyone is valid in feeling hurt! the translation in the original video was very hurtful especially to people who struggle #with body image #but again . yk #and noooo don’t apologize :(( i’m not online that much anyway fksnfkek #take care of yourself ok!!!!!#q&a — 🦁 anon

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apoapsis · 1 year

Text

knowing your partner well can potentially make writing together a lot easier. ( repost do not reblog ! )

- Name: pip

- Pronouns: he / him

- Preference of communication: discord! ask for it anytime! i tend to appear on invis, but that’s just because i am extremely fucking shy, so long as you’re fine with me getting back to your messages at my leisure (usually 8-24 hours, on average), then by all means feel free to ask for it!

- Name of muse(s): Sigma / Siebren, and on rare occasion I will sometimes ghostwrite Moira for specific threads, but I also now have a blog for Symmetra! [laserpimp]

- Experience / How long (MONTHS / YEARS?): 13-14 years, nearly 7 spent in the ow rpc.

- Platforms you’ve used: dA chatrooms (that’s where I learned to Type Fast), facebook, discord, tumblr, and google docs. The latter three are my most-used platforms.

- Best experience: meeting @flashofyellowlights 🥺🥺🥺 i was in a super dark place emotionally between 2019-2021 after a death in my immediate family and Buncy was probably my biggest advocate to keep going. me n this blog just simply wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. quite easily my best friend in this entire rpc, no cap.

- RP pet peeves / dealbreakers: 1) because i write a lot of introspective thoughts out for my characters to give my replies more depth, i notice that people often read that and use it to determine my characters’ mood (rather than the actual actions i purposefully insert for their character to react to). 2) a SUPER annoying thing i’ve had people do is, after explaining sieb/sig’s dichotomy to them, they often automatically assume sig is the “evil” one between the two of them..... despite me explaining that BOTH sig and sieb are morally grey, not evil. 3) my only real “dealbreaker” is when people openly demonstrate poor reading comprehension. this isn’t to say you can’t ask for clarification abt my replies, and this most certainly isn’t a knock at people who legitimately need extra help digesting my long ass replies, but considering this is a hobby exclusively based around reading and writing, I just don’t really feel the motivation to write with people who repeatedly misconstrue / misinterpret my replies simply because they just won’t read the entirety and take “creative liberties” with how they interpret my replies.

- Fluff, angst or smut: predominately angst with occasional smut 😂😂 personally i’m not a very big fan of “fluff” just because out of the three, it’s the one that gets the absolute blandest when it’s all someone wants to write with me. if you came here looking for fluff, i’m.... sorry bro 😳

- Plots or memes: primarily, plotting is generally my go-to for first interactions just to really set a scene, but once a “canon” is established between our characters, i’m open for everything. however, you are also free to use memes to break the ice! the only reason i default towards plotting is because i get anxious if i can’t immediately visualize / explain the setting when writing something up. that’s also why i tend to offer to write the starter, so that people don’t feel pressured to plot AND start.

- Long or short replies: the longer, the better!!! despite the fact that i can burn myself out kind of quickly, i will always prefer multipara to ANYTHING else. i didn’t choose the multipara life, the multipara life chose ME.

- Best time to write: i don’t really do anything on a day-to-day basis so i often operate on what i consider “dash hours”, meaning people are usually off work / done with their day at around 4-6pm (PST, my time), and usually post replies / ic posts / hc’s / etc. until about 8-10pm, which is when ppl disappear for the night. if i’m looking for small / quick interactions, that is usually the window i operate in. otherwise? anytime, although i get the most writing done around 1-5am when i don’t have people actively trying to msg me (adhd vibes)

- Are you like your muse(s): as far as the space aesthetic goes, absolutely, although in other regards, not so much! one of my reasons for picking up sigma was exclusively for the fact that he was space-themed, since anything space-related is my #1 autistic special interest. i’m certainly nothing of an astrophysicist myself but i do apply a lot of the nuanced information i’ve soaked up to sigma and how his abilities work.

TAGGED BY: literally everyone in the rpc by now, i’m always late w/ these LOL

TAGGING: idk who hasn’t done this so just say i @’d you n do it 😠

#++|| PROMPTS #long post #im not lying when i say literally at least 2/3 of the rpc tagged me in this

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unheard1019 · 3 months

Text

Thinking of Mary.

Luke 11:27-28

27 As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out,

"Blessed is the mother who gave you

birth and nursed you."

28 He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

I think I need to make it clear that everything I post is my point of view. I’m no pastor or Bible scholar. I’m simply a man, a sinner, that loves God and the word of God.

So diving into it

This verse is very interesting. A woman calls out to Jesus and blesses Mary. Almost for shadowing that at some point because she is the mother of God people will at some point worship her. Jesus hearing this then says "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

Almost as if he knew what was to come that although he is Jesus, son of God on earth and in heaven God himself people will in some ways make him second to Mary. Almost as if he knew that people will choose to worship Mary as they do Jesus.

So he makes a statement to in a way, combat that and let people know they blessed not by worshipping the woman who birthed him. Instead they are blessed when they hear the word of God and OBEY IT.

I’m not sure why some worship and pray to Mary, when she was alive no one worshipped her. No one prayed to her, it doesn’t say anywhere that she accepted these prayers and worship. It also doesn’t say she asked for them.

Jesus never says to do it, so why do some people worship and pray to Mary?

Let’s double check to see what God wants us to do.

1 Timothy 2:5

For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.

Hmmm ok, so far it looks like only Jesus should be prayed. Looks like he’s the way to heaven.

Let’s look at another verse here

John 14:6

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Ok, Jesus Christ CONFIRMS he is the ONLY way.

So I grew up Catholic, my mother sent me to communion class and then I went to confirmation around 13-14.

At the time I wasn’t into religion, I wasn’t seeking God.

I would pray every night real quick before bed but then I wouldn’t speak to God all morning all day until the next night

I was living a life full of sin. Gangs, sex, petty crime, lust, drinking, smoking here and there.

Regardless here I was in this confirmation class and I’ll never forget what was said but I forget the exact words used. I do in fact remember the overall message and that it was the same class and same day.

Our teacher tells us do NOT pray to false Gods or anyone other than Jesus.

I remember thinking ok that’s pretty obvious we have 1 God we pray to him, I already do that at night I’m good.

Same class and this is where I no longer cared to chase religion.

My teacher tells us

“You CAN pray to Mary and the other disciples so they help guide your prayers to God. Imagine if your parent is made at you and you have to go to your other parent to talk to your parent for you!”

Me in my head I’m thinking wait a minute!?

You JUST SAID don’t pray to anyone else! But not only that now your saying that my all forgiving God who forgives those who are truly sorry can’t listen to my prayers because he’s so mad at me!?

I gotta go through another person? Who has NO supernatural powers? Who are they to tell God “hey man, listen to dudes prayers will ya?”

They have no authority over God!

Man, when I tell you I finished my confirmation and never looked back at the Catholic Church again I mean it.

I was done with religion, all of em.

I didn’t care to be part of anything because I felt like it was all misconstrued. They took the word of God and twisted it and made it something it’s not.

It’s crazy to think a sinner at that age in his heart knew something wasn’t right about this teaching.

I’m now 34 years old. I was 33 when I finally made the decision to follow God and try to be a disciple as best as I can with what I have. Almost 17 years after my confirmation, I’m walking with Christ.

Not to say I stopped believing in him, I definitely didn’t.

It was God and I only for 17 years but I had no guidance, I didn’t read the Bible, I didn’t listen or go to church. So I didn’t know how my walk with him was supposed to go.

At 33 I chose to try a Christian church.

I told myself I’m not going to accept Christianity but I’m going to listen to the word.

Man, oh man

Was I WRONG.

Thinking Christianity was a religion was my first mistake it’s not a religion it’s a relationship with God.

Ever since I was 14 I was basically a christian because I only worshipped Jesus from that point on.

I knew the disciples and I knew Mary and whole heartedly respected them.

As far as worshiping tho I saved that only for Jesus.

I’m 34 and learning all the time. I’m a Christian now, I have a relationship with God. The goal tho isn’t to be a Christian it’s to be a disciple of Jesus and that’s what I’m working on in my life now.

I hope that anyone and everyone who sees this knows that someone who was in the dark, involved in the worst kinds of things at a young age is now in the light with his father.

I urge you to follow Jesus and his word just as it is plain and simple in the Bible.

As far as worshipping anyone other Jesus let’s stop that as he’s commanded us to.

Let’s respect them, love them and thank them for the roles in what they’d done and helping to inspire us to be like them.

Every blog will be closed out in a quick prayer and this one is finished so let’s say these final words.

Heavenly Father, as we read our bibles today we thank you lord for your word. We thank you for the knowledge you have left for us, amazed at how your word has been here for so long and will continue to prosper into the future as we await your return. Heavenly Father I ask that you give your people understanding of your word, to grow into your word and follow your word. I am a sinner lord, forgive me for my sins and let your will be done.

Please continue to bless the eyes that seeing this in abundance.

In Jesus almighty name AMEN!

Have a blessed day

I love y’all

#christian #christian broadcasting network #christian living #christian faith #christianity #virgin mary #mary #jesus christ #faith in jesus #jesus is coming #jesussaves

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karla-the-elemental-dreamer · 4 months

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2024 NYE Q and A: Dream Guides - Jak

I don't know where to begin as 2023 has been a strange year. I remember looking so forward to it at the start, and it's just spiralled into something unbelievable. Like there have been no shortage of good moments and growth opportunities, but has been overshadowed by chaos, tiring and exhausting days, and the world constantly throwing hands at each other with a continuing amount of immaturity and animosity towards our brothers and sisters.

I have marked the end of each year as a time to reflect and let my honesty be shared regardless of what anyone else thinks, so that for the following year, my bucket is emptied and I can start again. Please excuse me as I write from a very emotionally exhausted state. Each of the boys will be sharing some thoughts on the year 2023, and on this page, it's Jak's turn.

Please give each boy a chance as each of them provide a different flavour and may have some discrete messages for those who are still on the path of unity and love, and the hopeful outlook for a better and brighter world. Including some personal stories from the boys if they have anything major to share.

------------------------------------

QUESTIONS:

How do you feel 2023 has been overall

What positive experiences have you had in 2023?

What challenges have you faced in 2023?

What challenges do you believe your dreamer has faced in 2023?

What is one memory that stands out to you in your dream guide duties?

Is there another person you’d like to recognise for their contribution to 2023?

Do you have any final thoughts in the lead up to 2024?

------------------------------------

ANSWERS:

(1) Jak: "I want to erase 2023 off the charts… It has been THAT painful, for both me and her. Do you see these bags under my eyes? And you thought Riku had big ones. These aren’t from being punched in the face by a person or a Krimzon guard, it’s all the collateral damage I’ve received from the year itself. Can you wake me up when we’re finally at the New Earth?”.

---

(2) Jak: "Look when it comes to positive things about the year, it’s Karla all the way. All the trouble she’s gone to, to keep me here and hanging on when she’s just about to fall down that cliff herself; bless her soul. I’ve been a Grinch for most of this year, but then I heard there was a Christmas movie about that guy, and I didn’t want to have the lead role. So I’ve gotten into a bit of craft with her this month and it’s actually alright. There were also a few times where I had some chats with her brother, so I’ve got to give a kudos to that as well”.

---

(3) Jak: "As much of the cocky person that I am, I’m actually a bit embarrassed to be writing this one. Riku and Terra have been talking a lot about Karla being hurt by all the people out there on the internet, but I’ve actually probably multiplied that load by at least double. Being an ISTP, I obviously have a certain protocol with how I act and how I do things… But I’ve actually taken that too far and in reaching a climax, I see myself acting like a wild animal. Like I’ve just been this horrible person towards Karla, which is something she never deserved.

How’s this you might ask? While there have been weeks or even months where I’ve said to myself that I can’t do this anymore, or that she’s being too annoying or demanding, so I just slink back to Haven City and don’t want to have anything to do with anyone. I remember this time where Terra went with Karla’s parents on their little, I guess, honeymoon, so Riku and I were staying home with Karla and her brother. I… I don’t know how to outline this next bit. She just wanted us to all have fun at the beach on one of those days, and I sorta wrecked that by not being there.

There have been a lot of things that I’ve misconstrued in 2023, like in Karla saying that my friends won’t make it through the timeline split, and instead of analysing the situation and seeing it for what it is, I just lose it and get all angry. And now when I look back, she never meant that they couldn’t come; just that she noticed I didn’t gel with them at a soul level, so that they needed to do a lot of work to be able to get to maybe more of a level where most of Kingdom Hearts is at.

In summary, I just got very tired… And oh! There was a point at which Karla’s brother lost his job, and that was a very hard time for me also. Like I was responsible for seeing him through his last days, and so when everything was over, I just lost faith, and things got worse with me from there. 2023 has been a year of me being caught up in the past and I guess coming to the realisation that I had to come to terms with it and work out where I should actually be. And in the whole process, I hurt others and ended up hurting myself too. Like you might know of Dark Jak from the games, that was sort of my year, but in a bit of a different sense”.

---

(4) Jak: "Oh she’s just been constantly pounded this year from everything. Like I said in Question 2, this year, more than anything, has just proven to be a shining example of what an amazing person she actually is, after everything she’s had to put up with and witness, including my shit antics. In-fact I wish I stuck around more to intervene when people would upset her or just be plain mean and spiteful towards her or about her. But then there’s a reason as to why I haven’t shown myself aside from my own problems. You guys think she’s putting out hateful content from the fifty measly words that Riku and Terra say in her defence as to how she feels in life? As a rowdy and no bullshit ISTP, you’d be seeing the gates of hell at your front door. Question 3 sorta outlines the rest of what she’s been through, and then also the etheric attacks and interferences which Riku and Terra have outlined more of”.

---

(5) Jak: "To be honest, I don’t think this should even exist as Question 5 because I don’t have anything, and neither does Riku apparently. I’ve been away that much or just been trying to avoid responsibilities, which in truth has actually been a loving home and a break away from my tyrannical past and origins. Maybe I’ll have something to report back next year if I’m lucky”.

---

(6) Jak: "Well there’s this guy from neither of our worlds called 18-Volt. How do I know about him? Well I’ve never met him until about a few weeks ago when I got this strange letter at Freedom HQ telling me how much of a fraud and a bullshit artist I was. As much as I wanted to find the guy in his sleep, something just hit me and it’s like I would have said the same thing if my dreamer was being abandoned by someone she cares about or who should be there for her; like he was using righteous anger. By the end of the letter, I was at the table, with my friends surrounding me, shitting myself to discover that a past dream guide had taken an interest in what was obviously a very big cesspit that I had created, spanning all the way to Diamond City in Warioware. And so I’m like ‘Jak, you done goofed’.

He said he wanted to meet me, so in the next day or two, we met up at the port. The guy who looked like a big frog, wearing some crazy glasses, started running his mouth at me about the terrible things I did, but he slowed down after a while, and his demeanour was rather passionate and friendly. He’s an ESFP like Tess. So as we spoke, as much as I don’t like sharing my own stories, he got to the heart of the matter, and like he was putting me through an X-ray machine of some sort. I had to admit by then that I had been awful towards Karla for most of the year, and there was no denying that. Especially due to the fact that 18-Volt said he actually wanted to support me if he could and be a buddy to get me back on the right path. That’s when I noticed that 18-Volt had actually come back after a long period of absence, which is where Riku took over.

I was amazed to find out that 18-Volt was watching Karla and her developing timeline this whole time. And that he actually had the strength to learn from his mistakes and come back years later, even if just to a helping role. And it’s like if he could bounce back after such a failure, then I could too. Like sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves and our own wants that we forget the bigger picture that we push away everything else. So 18-Volt returned a few more times and we continued to get to know each other. Eventually, I worked out that the mess was way too big for just a guy like him to help clean up, and also at the time, Karla’s teddy staff had also now showed up in Haven City to quote on quote, clean out the evil filth in it. It’s like in fear of losing me for good, she deployed over half the team to keep my world anchored to the ascending timeline fork.

Then I decided to go and knock on Karla’s door to check on her and see the state she was in. There’s this cute name she’d always called me; Jaky. But she couldn’t even utter my name when I came back. Everything was all over the place, so I went back to Haven, and I asked one of the guards [teddies] there to allow me to have therapy, which is something an ISTP apparently never does, so for the love of everyone, I broke the wall and decided enough was enough, and that it was time to open up and expel the demons from my life. I now see the new or substitute admin of the group, Josephine, twice a week for two hours each session, and it’s been pretty good. Once again I’m giving the recognition to 18-Volt here because if it wasn’t for that oh so scary letter, I wouldn’t be where I am now, and looking back at how much I’ve taken for granted and how much love Karla truly deserves”.

---

(7) Jak: " It’s been a bit bittersweet doing this Q and A, because I’m not sure if some of you remember Karla being so excited for 2023, and that it was going to be her year. Like we’ve said in the past, you can’t just shut yourself down and not be honest to anyone about how you went, whether it’s good or bad. So it’s like Karla has survived this year, but as it comes to a close, she’s giving what’s only a true reflection of what happened, with us sort of speaking it out though. The common theme being that we all expect better things from 2024, and that it isn’t just another slather of muck.

Like Terra said, it’s hard to keep a balance between those who hurt you and wish to see you dead or just non-existent, compared to those who just don’t know you or are the friendly faces amongst the army of metalheads. So again, please forgive her for the experiences that she’s had and the way in which she’s had to deal with them. It’s like how can you light others’ candles if yours never gets lit? Which is the same for me I guess. Well… Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. She might just post some art to finish the days off, but yeah, who knows what’s in store for 2024”.

------------------------------------

SUMMARY:

The internet and it’s networks may be a dead avenue, and the exhaustion of rising global tension has hit hard. But Karla’s immediate life has seen generous health, love and abundance. Any achievements of Karla’s have been acknowledged in private, because in the greater scheme of things, they have been only very small in the year of 2023.

#karla #oc #jak #dream guide #challenges #new year #reflection #18volt #2024 #q and a #fresh start

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hotgirlmuseboardxo · 5 months

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i’m only sharing this perspective cuz you seem like a real open and genuine person, but from a black persons perspective it really hurts to see liking black people having a caveat every time. if a chick is like “i like blonde guys”, “i like tall guys”, “i like brown eyed guys” its all cool but “i like black guys” always gets “but its not a race thing” or “and other guys too” after. i def dont get the vibe that its intentional from you at all, just thought id share the perspective in case its never crossed your mind, much love 🙏🏿

i honestly don’t really know what to say to this lol so give me some grace here if i get it wrong please! i’m happy to hear people’s perspectives and thank you for sharing yours, but this has left me a bit confused so i wanna talk through it lol. i think the other day someone sent an anon and asked if i date black guys and i explained that any “boyfriend” i’ve had has never been black bc i historically haven’t been a huge relationship girl but in recent years i’ve met multiple men who are black who i have had very strong soul ties with. in the tags of that i clarified that it’s not a race thing bc it’s not like i expect every black man i see to be my soulmate but some people on here seem to think that’s the case so i was protecting myself from that hate train lol. maybe that’s where i’m being misconstrued, but to me that was me saying “DO NOT COME AT ME FOR ACTING LIKE IM ONLY ATTRACTED TO ONE RACE. I THINK ANYONE CAN BE SEXY IF THEY HAVE THE RIGHT ENERGY. IM JUST ANSWERING A QUESTION <3”

i understand things best through comparing them to my own experiences so i’m gonna share a diff perspective and maybe that will help me make more sense of this. when i was existing in a bigger body in my late teens/early 20s and i heard men fetishizing and condemning me for that in the same breath, it would drive me crazyyy because i was already feeling naturally inferior and like the odds were stacked against me. like, i would have guys listing all of my best traits and what they love about me but then they’d follow it with “you’re just a tiny bit too thick” or some shit like “you’re such a pretty girl, if you just lost the weight.” like that shit HURTTT and i didn’t want to hear it and i hated feeling like men had to work really hard to justify having feelings for me to themselves and their friends because of their internalized fatphobia. now that i’m a skinny legend it’s the messages i get fetishizing redheads and women with bipolar that make me go 🤨🤨🤨.

maybe how you feel is comparable to that?? if so i understand but i’m glad you know i have no malicious intent :) was just trying to ward off the crazy ignorant fkn racists and their anons. much love 2 u <3

#answered

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escape-rock-bottom · 1 year

Text

"DON'T BUG ME!": Another Reason Why I Avoid Approaching People

I’ve talked about my previous resistance to approaching new people in the past, but I felt I should dedicate a post to this specific concept. My fear of rejection isn’t the only thing holding me back. A certain wide-spread yet innocuous quip is another major factor.

How many times have you heard someone complain about how much they hate when someone bothers them when all they want to do is engage in their own world? How often have you made a joke about how you see someone walk in and you beg that they don’t try to speak to you? How about the times you’ve seen those quirky, edgy shirts with some form of “don’t bug me” plastered in massive block letters people often wear as a sort of half-joke?

I know I have, many many times. Like a record on repeat, I hear the same exact thing but packaged in a variety of different ways: “DON’T BUG ME.” While it’s not apparent what problem I could have with this statement, the inherent message I get from it is “Leave me alone, you are irritating me with your existence.”

That may seem like a leap, but I don’t think it’s much of one. Realistically, it’s what the phrase literally means. You can imagine what thinking you’re being told you’re bothering someone by approaching them does to someone who’s an anxious, people-pleaser type: You learn to fear doing so in hopes you won’t bother others.

The glaring problem here is that avoiding people = not socializing and waiting on others to approach first. Like opportunities, good relationships don’t often just drop themselves in your lap, ready to go. You have to seek and build them, and you will have to take just as much risk and effort as others do to do so.

Thinking about it, I can’t say that my interpretation of “Don’t bug me” is 100% accurate. I’d be a huge hypocrite if I were to say I never do or think the same in regards to other people. While I only know the reasons behind why I and a select few other people spew this message (thanks to asking them), I feel its enough to make a sound observation:

I’m overthinking it and misconstruing the message. Yes, there’s a good few people out there who 100% mean they want to be left alone 24/7, but the amount of people like that is possibly extremely small. The rest of society seems to use “Don’t bug me” in ways I initially didn’t consider.

Here’s what they may actually be saying:

“I’m busy right now, please don’t interrupt me.”

”I’m not in a good mood/mindset. I know I will react negatively if I am approached right now, please give me space.”

”I’m socially anxious. I do want interaction, but it causes me great distress when I’m ‘put on the spot’. However, I’d much rather NOT be alone”

“Please don’t just approach me to get something out of me. It’s happened far too often.”

”It’s just a silly phrase. I’m actually really social but I have a strange sense of humor”

”I’m in a current period of distress. Everything sucks, I suck, the world sucks, need I go on?”

”Everyone else is saying it.”

Rarely does the reason actually align with you in particular being the subject of their annoyance. It’s the situation happening at an unexpected or inconvenient time, or a need to set a boundary.

It’s not a bad thing to set boundaries. If someone sets boundaries against you, it's not rejection but rather protection. I get self conscious about something that isn’t even about me in particular, but rather a complex set of circumstances. It's a waste of time, opportunity, and energy to interpret the message the way I do.

I know I’m going to have to reframe how I interpret people’s messages. I can be far too literal (yay, weird neurology!) and people’s messages hold meanings and emotions that often complicate it far more than what’s seen at face value. In essence, when the phrase is used, people appreciate being approached and mean it as a joke, or are just occupied or in a bad mood.

In summary, to whoever needs to hear it: Stop overthinking it and don’t take it personally. Your fears that you are a source of frustration are often not reality. If you get turned away with an “I’m busy can we talk later?” or receive a short response, it doesn’t mean this is a sign to not try ever again. It’s merely the other person communicating and not an attack on you personally.

I understand it’s hard to face rejection socially for some people, but it becomes easier when you detach yourself from it:

You’re not being rejected, the proposition of an interaction at that specific moment is being rejected.

A boundary is being set.

The person is expressing their unwillingness to move forward in a relationship.

A subtle effort to reschedule the interaction is being made.

People are not unlimited in their availability and attention so an unanswered message or approach is bound to happen.

Just keep trying, and learn to face your fear. Your future self will thank you.

#social anxiety #random introspection #my observations #social issues #overthinking

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maybuds · 2 years

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scammercalloutblog.tunblr.com/tagged/laura-deramas i understand what you're saying in your post and do agree that people here will unfairly and immediately jump to "it's a scam!!" seeing anyone who's filipino creating a donation post. however in this situation she really is absolutely prolific and shameless. i don't think the vids and pics on her posts are even hers. it's fair to assume bc of how often and how long she's been doing this she's made quite a bit of money from this. as you can see from that tag she harasses people as well. others are more deserving of donations, imo. again i understand what you said completely and how it can seem to be not a scam, but it definitely is. i just don't feel it's right for her posts to be spread far when there are others (including other filipinos) who really need donations. that's all!

i understand completely! i’ve decided i’ll hold off on reblogging her donation posts (she has a new one because of supertyphoon odette, which caused severe damage in visayas and mindanao). i’ll try to talk to her first, since she does message me and respond when i talk to her. i’ll update this if anything comes up.

i’ve been going through the link you sent me and it’s worrying, i can see how it does look like a scam because of the changing blogs, the constant messaging to other blogs to share her donation post, etc. however there’s a video where she literally showed her face and talked about the scam accusations, which confirms (to me anyway) that she is running the donation blog/s.

i don’t mean to sound defensive of her! because i really don’t know her, but knowing what i know of the different ways filipinos socialize online, some things could have been misconstrued due to cultural / language barriers. at the same time i want to make sure i’m not hastily calling someone who needs help a scammer, especially because the economic crisis in this country is not letting up at all and a lot of people are desperate to get by, plus the typhoon season can only worsen the state of things as they already are.

still, thank you for your heads up! hope this doesn’t come off us annoyingly contrarian considering how polite and good-intentioned your ask is. take care :-)

#sorry it’s a habit i picked up from work fact-checking things for myself

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palestinianliberator · 3 years

Text

To be Palestinian is exhausting

You will not find a single Palestinian who hasn’t had to endure all of the following and more:

Constantly having to prove our existence

[This is going to be a tremendously long post, but I implore you to read through what you can]

Constantly having to educate everyone around us on our history and people while we continue to be slaughtered

Constantly having to combat Israeli propaganda and dehumanization campaigns against us

Constantly having to combat liberal propaganda from those who simply cannot understand the pain and damage they are doing

Constantly having to defend ourselves from the overwhelming forces that stand in our way, from the Israeli forces to the global institutions that help support it to the structures in the US that mean that any Palestinian who dares speak out risk both their lives and livelihood

Constantly in fear of whether or not you’ll end up on another “list” as a result of daring to speak out

Constantly having to do it all again as soon as we’re back on the news

Constantly having to answer for all other Palestinians in a way that nobody else is expected to

Constantly being seen as the “crazy one” when trying to share your narrative, having to defend against an endless barrage of accusations of antisemitism

Constantly being put into situations by bad-faith actors who attempt to engage in “debate” or “discussion” or “dialogue” with talking points that demean and duhamanize you, all while being expected to maintain a smile and cool composure while someone literally debates to your face your own existence or how “actually it’s YOUR people’s fault you’re being slaughtered! Israel isn’t the bad guy here!”

Constantly being forced to choose between engaging in bad-faith debates framed in a way to make you look like the unreasonable bad guy while the person implicitly defending your ethnic cleansing is made to look like the “rational good guy” or looking after your own mental health, knowing that even refusing these “invitations” is itself a mark against you and your people

Constantly being told that you’re too “biased”, too “close”, too “emotional” about the literal slaughter of your people to be seen as a valid source, while Israelis and complete outsiders are given all the space they want to speak for us endlessly

Constantly seeing people being actively mislead and wondering if you have the capacity to reach out to them and attempt to share your narrative with them, knowing that if you don’t, they’re going to go on to propagate the same lies justifying your ethnic cleansing

Constantly having to combat GENUINE censorship throughout the media, social media, and society itself. It’s a fact proven by former Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Youtube employees that Palestinian voices have their reach censored in a way no one else does, which is why it’s so important to amplify and actively share Palestinian voices rather than just liking or indicating support

Constantly being told you don’t know your own history by people who’ve educated themselves on Youtube and Wikipedia despite having lived the reality yourself and dedicating your entire life to studying every single aspect of it

Constantly seeing those who have the courage to stand alongside you being shut down with accusations of antisemitism and seeing them lose their courage to stand by you out of fear of their own image and livelihood and having to rush to their defense as well

Constantly having to see photos of your people, sometimes even people you know, maimed, injured, murdered, or burned to ash by Israeli aggression but knowing you have a duty to share what’s happening and must stomach the images to show the world the true extent of the suffering we endure

Constantly having to worry not just for your own safety, but the safety of your family and loved ones who can be punished or targeted because of things you yourself say

Constantly wondering who you can actually trust, from new friends and acquaintances to professors to even other Palestinians because we’ve been so heavily infiltrated by Israeli intelligence looking to blackmail Palestinians using anything from their sexual orientation or even made up “evidence” meant to ruin their lives

Constantly having your heart sink every notification you get wondering if it’s news that a loved one has been killed

Constantly seeing the corpses of loved ones shared on social media and reliving the trauma all over again, yet again knowing that you WANT the world to see what’s happening

Constantly seeing the effects this has on your own family and feeling helpless to do anything

Constantly on alert for the FBI at your door as they often “visit” Palestinians who dare speak out, myself included on numerous occasions

Constantly wondering if your advocacy for your people is going to result in the loss of your job, scholarship, license

Constantly being asked to “humanize” and “feel for” those who live their lives day in day out completely unfazed by your suffering despite living in a society that couldn’t even FUNCTION without our subjugation

Constantly being told “don’t blame regular Israelis, blame the government!!” as if the state itself wasn’t founded on our ethnic cleansing, as if it isn’t “normal Israelis” who make up the entirety of the Israeli Military and have actively brutalized you and your people

Seeing allies you fought for suddenly SILENT when it’s their time to speak up

Studying on a US campus where those SAME SOLDIERS WHO ENGAGED IN YOUR PERSECUTION AND ACTIVELY SERVED AS THE ENFORCERS OF YOUR OCCUPATION then re-enact the trauma against you and you’re meant to simply ignore the fact that THEY ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO MURDERED YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, and not being allowed to even be ANGRY at that

Trying to navigate this half-life in the diaspora where it’s a struggle to connect with other Palestinians given the distance between us and yet not being able to connect with anyone around because, again, they simply can’t understand

Constantly being expected to simply give up your time to those who demand you answer them and debate your existence and narrative with them, who them take you blocking them for your own mental health as a “victory” to be lorded over you when you simply can’t take it anymore

Constantly having to EXPLAIN all of this because nobody but other Palestinians can truly understand just how pervasive, overwhelming, and incapacitating this unique form of exhaustion is

Constantly seeing your erasure and ethnic cleansing defended all over the media, all over social media, throughout your academic career, while those ENGAGED in your ethnic cleansing have the audacity to claim that the media is biased against THEM

Constantly on guard with everything you say and write, knowing that unlike those promoting our ethnic cleansing, we don’t have the luxury of making mistakes or getting lazy in our writing and advocacy. One mistaken source, mistaken information, being imperfect is enough to discredit your voice entirely

The crippling obligation you have to share the narrative of your people, knowing that so many people will view you as the spokesperson of your entire people, knowing how unfair it is, but also knowing that if you DON’T speak out, nobody will on your behalf, and even the most well-intentioned, involved allies can simply never understand how it all truly feels

Seeing the entire world stand by and do absolutely nothing while your people are slaughtered time and time again

Seeing your history misconstrued by people implicitly defending your ethnic cleansing and settler-colonialism

Knowing that our parents have been through this and more, seeing them have to go through this yet again while still being forced to go about their daily lives and given no time to mourn or recover

Not being able to even share our culture without being attacked for it

Knowing that so many of your friends and family won’t ever be able to return to their homeland while foreigners from around the globe are flown into Israel free because it’s their “birthright”

A “birthright” denied to even my own parents, born in Jerusalem yet unable to enter it

Having even self-proclaimed “allies” question Palestinian resistance, policing our tone, never /really/ understanding our pain and anger and how they themselves contribute to it

Screaming from the moment you can about what’s happening to us, desperately trying to get people to CARE, and having it often fall on deaf ears

Knowing that if you’re not the source of information for those genuinely seeking to learn, they may find themselves mislead by sources that claim to be fair and balanced while imprinting subtle lies about Palestine and Palestinians on those they engage with

Not even being able to find the energy and ability to respond to genuine messages of love and support, which are greatly appreciated, and feeling bad about it because you don’t want to seem like you’re not genuinely happy to hear it

Feeling a sense of overwhelming exhaustion in times like this while at the same time being unable to sleep

Seeing the effect all of this has had on your people, knowing your people have among the highest rates of depression on the planet and yet we’re all suffering together with no way to ease the pain

Being constantly exposed to the ways in which your people are erased and questioning if you have the energy or sanity left to deconstruct such aggression to help outsiders understand the severity of it all

Seeing allies suddenly call for “peace” when Palestinians are finally fed up enough to rise up and fight back against an overwhelming military force

I could go on, but in case you it’s not already clear, I’m tired and exhausted

Always wondering if any of this is even worth it when the world has ignored your slaughter and ethnic cleansing for nearly 8 decades, knowing that nobody is about to step in to help now.

Constantly wondering if any of this is even worth it, and then feeling inspired by fellow Palestinians, our resilience, the fact that despite ALL of this and more, we continue to fight.

Despite all of this, I would never even consider or entertain the thought of being born as anything other than Palestinian

#Palestine #Israel #Gaza #I could go on for literal hours or days #There is SO much to our pain and suffering #SO much #But I know that even trying to explain EVERY aspect of it is #itself likely to lead to a diminished audience and serve to perpetuate the very things I mentioned

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