#like I don't think I've had one this bad since I was at my old job

[evie-sturns]

ɢᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ!

MASTERLIST

TAGLIST

about me: hi! my names evie.

i downloaded tumblr 25th of december 2023 after seeing sturnfilmed's tiktok story, i instantly started writing fics as soon as i joined (my debut was chris and matt headcannons) i started watching the sturniolo's in early 2023 and my fav triplet is nick although i would pay matt to run me over.

i live in new-zealand, my favorite color is pink and i go to a private school. i love concerts, music and my friends. i have criiiiipppling anxiety which i've had since like 10 years old buts its okay, i also have a pretty bad eating disorder cause i grew up a fatass but we don't talk abt that. i have an older sister.

i have brown curly hair which i straighten and green eyes and relatively big lips, i'm 5'4, i'm in like a 2 month long talking stage with a guy rn, i'm a very social person and i'd say i'm quite popular which makes school quite a safe place for me and i feel liked by people , i have strict parents so i'm really good at lying, and sneaking around behind their backs. i used to be like kinda off the rails when my mum got sick and i was doing illegal stuff to distract myself but i got caught and stopped (glad) and now my life is back on track and i have a lot better things to do, my rice purity score is 72.

celebrity crushes:

christian anthony, billie eilish, matt sturniolo, chris sturniolo, RODRICK HEFFLEY?!??!??!???!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?, nathan doe, fiona gallagher, carrington, vinnie hacker 💀💀💀, louis patridge, LOOORRENNNZOO ZURZOLOOOO, jared padalecki ONLY IN THE 2000’s, ned menlove 

biggest fears: loosing loved ones, alligators?!??, being murdered, embarrassing myself.

my favorite youtubers are: the sturniolos, norris nuts (my guilty pleasure BYE), dizzydyl, benoftheweek, any kind of true crime omg, eleanor neale, baylen livene.

my favourite shows/movies: SHAMLESS (all time favorite), gilmore girls, 10 things i hate about you, the worlds a little blurry.

my favorite artists are: billie eilish like if you think your a bigger fan than me your NOT(kidding), chase atlantic, brent faiyaz, sza, frank ocean, childish gambino, and clairo but sometimes im a slut for songs like slut me out and geekaleek LMFAO. i've been to billies concert in 2022 which was the best night of my life, i went to sza last week which was life-changing.

my favourite songs as of right now are: confident - justin bieber and chance the rapper, les - childish gambino, drugs & money - chase atlantic, church - chase atlantic, overheated - billie eilish, bitches broken hearts - billie eilish. ivy - frank ocean

what i wont write: weird kinks (r@pe, like piss and shit stuff tf, big age gaps), nick x fem!reader if its not platonic even though i dont really write for nick in general. anything that i dont want to write so dont pressure me.

what i will write: requests, smut, angst, fluff, series's if im dedicated, one shots, almost anything apart from what i listed above.

i love writing on here and i love each and every one of you who like what i write, thank you guys for supporting me! i take requests and i'll do them if i like it so dont be shy to request!

here’s the tag you can go on where i answer things in my inbox exzexpf for requests

#evie-sturns inbox

also writing and reading on here got my english and humanties grade up like crazy so thank you guys.

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#sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x reader #sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #evie-sturns

[mysterywheeze]

what a weekend, huh

I've refrained from using this blog to share my thoughts on the [gestures vaguely] situation for- well, for a few reasons. For one, I haven't been directly involved in the fandom for a while for personal reasons (I will reiterate that I am Mostly Fine). For two, until today we didn't have an official update on the matter. And for three, there's been A LOT of vitriol within the fanbase, so saying anything felt like stepping into a minefield.

Point three still stands. But what the hell? I've thrown my thoughts into worse rings.

My opinions on the whole fiasco can be summed up in four points.

ONE: Their initial plan was bad, and the way they announced it was even worse.

I don't think I have to explain why cutting off a large number of low-income and international fans is a shitty thing to do. That the initial treatment of Patreon fans was poor is, I think, similarly self-evident. And not just because we weren't initially given free access to the streaming platform; the abrupt cancellation of WW+ and early access screwed a lot of annual-membership patrons over.

We now have confirmation that Watcher needed a new revenue stream to stay operational, and that the team viewed this change as essentially a last resort to avoid layoffs or worse. We did not get this information in the "Goodbye YouTube" video. The Watcher team could have been upfront from the beginning, but they decided not to be. Instead they hyped up the announcement, even had a countdown, leading us to think that this was a sign of something good, when in reality it was a sign of something dire.

I hope we can all agree that more initial transparency would have significantly improved the audience reaction to the announcement.

TWO: The update/apology video was a good one.

They addressed why they made their decision, admitted to their fuck-up, and changed their plan. That's Owning Up To Your Mistakes 101. What we got was a compromise; they aren't scrapping the streaming service altogether, but they aren't abandoning fans who can't afford it altogether, either. And of course, they've told us that the streaming service is necessary for the survival of the company. Better late than never.

There's still a lot that they need to do before they can fully gain my trust. And I say gain, not regain, because this isn't the first time they've had a business fumble (NOTE: this is not about the HWYD incident). From Patreon rewards coming months late to factual errors in their educational shows, to what I strongly suspect is mismanagement of funds leading to their current financial troubles, they've always had flaws that ought to be addressed.

But it's a start. A good start at that.

THREE: Some fans reacted to the announcement (and to a lesser extent, to the update) in deeply inappropriate ways.

Look, I don't think you have to ~deeply adore~ Steven Lim to be a Watcher fan. I'll admit that, as a diehard Unsolved fan since 2017 who rarely watched Worth It before 2020, Steven's shows appealed to me less than Ryan and Shane's content did. The average viewcounts of Steven's shows compared to Ryan-n-Shane's shows indicates that my preferences are pretty common.

That being said, as someone who isn't particularly enthused about Steven content, I can appreciate the things he's done for Watcher and as a human being. He's always been the guy pushing hardest for Asian-American representation, as Grocery Run, Hidden Narratives, and especially his response to the 2021 tragedy in Atlanta, made very clear.

From years ago to just last week, he's said some poorly-worded and even insensitive things. He's a human. We're prone to doing that.

If you think that it's okay to insult him on a personal level over this weekend's fiasco, to drag up an old mistake he already publicly apologized for, or to make unfounded accusations about his moral character, you are solely mistaken and have some serious maturing to do. If you actually partook in any of those activities, I sincerely hope that you regret your actions and avoid repeating them. And if you're one of those people STILL trying to pin all the blame on Steven, or even calling for his resignation(?!?)... I don't know what to tell you. I really hope you become a kinder person soon.

This also goes for people who started getting personal with the other members of Team Watcher, or with their friends or loved ones outside the company. So what if Sara had an imperfect take? She's not responsible for Watcher's bad decision, and we shouldn't be dragging her into the discourse just because she's married to a guy who did a fuck-up.

And yeah, Shane did a fuck-up. It ain't cute to act like he's an innocent anti-capitalist baby being dragged into this mess by Steven. Same goes for people saying Ryan didn't play a part in this, but over the past few days I've seen way more support for Shane among conspiratorial fans than for Ryan. I'm not going to act like racial bias is the only factor at play here, clearly it's more complex than that, but making up conspiracies to protect your white fave while scapegoating the outspoken-against-racism Asian guy... it's not a good look. You have to realize that and evaluate your biases.

FOUR: The backlash to the backlash has become excessive and unhelpful.

I get it. When people are being dicks online, it's natural to speak out against it. And boy howdy, were some people being dicks this weekend. Emphasis on the some.

Yes, there's been a lot of mean-spirited, unconstructive hate sent Watcher's way over the past few days. There's also been an incredibly large volume of constructive criticism from all corners of the fandom. Some of it's been discussed between fans, some of it's been shared directly with Team Watcher. It doesn't stick in your mind as strongly as blatant hate does, but I can assure you, it's there.

And in the effort to defend Watcher against that hate, a lot of you have made it really hard for good-faith criticism to be heard.

Seriously, every time I see someone on the Wiscord politely criticize one of Watcher's decisions, they're immediately shut down by a fellow fan. Same thing happened to me in an unofficial fan server earlier today. My good-faith critique wasn't as important as the fact that some asshole could hypothetically make a similar argument in bad faith. Any attempt at a calm, reasoned discussion of Watcher's issues as a company gets drowned out with blind positivity.

Let me make my stance crystal clear: people are allowed to be upset about things that they aren't being forced at gunpoint to pay for. That's like, the the basis of media criticism. "You don't HAVE to pay for it so you shouldn't complain about it" is not an argument that should be taken seriously here on Al Gore's internet.

There's also been a lot of disingenuous use of the "don't you believe artists should get paid?" argument, because yes I do, and yes they have been getting paid. By thousands of people at once - far more supporters than most working artists receive in a lifetime. I personally have been supporting them financially since January of 2020, literally since day one. Watcher's situation evidently isn't ideal, but as far as independent creators go they're pretty darn privileged to have the following they have.

And if you think that Team Watcher has actually totally been doing the right thing all along, then you're wrong. The guys at Watcher themselves admitted that. If they really are the bastions of honesty you're convinced they are, you'll accept that. Above all, the changes they announced today are not proof that "the bullies won". If the bullies won, there would be no streaming service. What happened was a compromise, and the assholes in this fandom didn't want a compromise.

Look, I know you guys. I remember the old days, when we weren't afraid to provide feedback to Watcher when they fucked up, and over much smaller fumbles than this recent one. I know we've all put a lot of money and time into this company and the people behind it. The sunk-cost fallacy is a very powerful thing. But please don't let your hatred for bullies and love for the boys completely blind you to valid criticism. You can't entirely shield them from growing pains if what you want for them is real growth.

FIVE: This isn't a real point in the list I just had to separate my closing thoughts from the rest of the essay I accidentally wrote. Whoops.

The other day, I saw somebody (can't recall their handle, sorry) describe some fan reactions to Friday's announcement as "post-divorce honesty". It's far from the only comparison to a breakup I've seen. That phrase has been ringing in my head for a while now. Because this situation has made a lot of people reevaluate what they like about Watcher, why they became a fan in the first place, and if it's worth sticking around.

Watcher made a mistake. One that they could walk back but can't undo. Their reputation is never going to be the same as it was before. Likewise, a lot of fans said things that can't be taken back, and now that's tied to their reputation in our community. I can't blame anyone for feeling uneasy right now.

Hm. When I started writing this, I had an actual ending in mind. I don't know where that went.

Maybe that's the note I end this massive ramble on? Watcher's future is uncertain, the community's future is uncertain, so I'm uncertain about the last part of this post...? Agh. There's a reason why I'm more of a fiction writer than an essayist. It's getting late, I've got stuff to do tomorrow, and my browser's beginning to slow down from the sheer weight of my draft being open for so long.

Just... try to take it easy on each other, okay? It's been a hell of a week, and we haven't even finished Monday yet.

#watcher #ryan bergara #steven lim #shane madej #good lord. we all gotta sleep.

[bsaka7]

every time i buy new running shoes im like oh i won't get the brooks adrenaline I'll try something new (<- guy who has had basically every moderate stability running shoe on the market) and then i try on a couple of others and im like yep. getting the brooks again.

#I will say i don't like the 23 as much as the 22 #And I think there's one in like the last 9yrs I've skipped... Maybe like 20 or smth like that #The 19 was my fav like Brooks just bring it back 😭 #Ok technically it's every OTHER time i buy running shoes bc i usually have one pair of Brooks and one pair of something else #though they're both workhorse trainers i never have a speed shoe #i was almost swayed by the saucony guide today but they didn't have the arch support i wanted and i didn't want to buy new inserts #bc im trying to be DONE with inserts #Since they discontinued the ones I used which were like the lightest additional amount of support #And I've had no trouble without em in the last year #So maybe this is stupid of me. But I'll do my hip exercises and knock on wood #Tetrapod runs #Also my feet were feeling picky today... Idk if it was #Cuz it was post run or what #Literally ran in my old destroyed brooks today and I was like this sucks so bad -> buys new shoes #Oh I haven't had the NB equivalent shoe. Or the hoka or the altra. BUT I'VE HAD ALL THE OTHERS.

[strangesickness]

it has been so weird getting into live action film in the past little while because prior to late 2023 i was basically only into video games, comics, and cartoons (i have pretty bad face blindness so i can find it difficult to follow live action movies, especially if characters have similar hair or clothes. top gun maverick was a NIGHTMARE for me), and now i'm like? recognizing actors? it's kind of weird to think that when i'm my parents age kids aren't going to know who. chris evans or like. finn wolfhard are. and i'm going to do the exact same thing my parents always do like "what? you don't know who chris evans is? he's only captain america!" and the kid is going to be like... "why would i know who captain america is...? that movie came out before i was even born... no one cares about captain america these days gramps" and then i'll go to bingo or something and cry about it.

#but like. realizing i can just. recall some actors names??? #like. i had a few moments where i was like “who played that guy” and i didn't even have to look up “[character name] actor" #i just knew??? #which has been like. really weird #i am chronically uncaring about celebrities #i've just never taken an interest #it gets me similar looks to the ones i get when i say “i don't have tiktok” #people will show me a picture of a popular musician and even if its one i listen to i'm like... dude idk who that is #like if you're thinking of like “big celebrities” that EVERYONE knows? i probably do not. except like taylor swift and notable politicians #and jerry seinfeld #but that has more to do with my dad having like every episode of seinfeld memorized than it does anything else #posts afflicted with a strange sickness #this is about knives out btw #i just watched knives out for the first time since it came out and i recognized chris evans AND jaden martell #i also recognized daniel craig and katherine langford but i couldn't remember their names lol #one of the reasons i didn't enjoy watching live action films for a long time is that i have really bad face blindness #if a movie has more than one 20-40yr old attractive white guy in it who dress similarly i will be completely unable to tell them apart /srs #and this makes understanding the plot of a lot of movies incredibly difficult #all of this is to say i spent all of knives out convinced that michael shannon was woody harrelson but they don't even look alike tbh

[iamdeltas]

I apologize for being a huge butthurt SU fan on main today.

It will happen again. Probably whenever another story driven cartoon's finale occurs and people use that to bash SU too.

Honestly the only thing making that a "probably" is that I can't think of any current story driven cartoons right now.

#i mean there was dead end paranormal park but... *shakes fist at netflix* #tgamm and mmadd have like. background arcs ig but theyre more episodic so i don't count them #but yeah. what I'm getting at is that--like I've said before--pretty much every non-SU modern story #driven cartoon kills off its big bads but every time it happens it feels like the entire animation fandom thinks #it's the first time it's ever happened and TAKE THAT STUPID STEPHEN GALAXIES! #like literally the only other story driven cartoon this century i can think of that didn’t kill off its big bad #was atla and there was disk horse over that bit too! 'oh no how dare this 12 year old raised in a pacifist culture #not want to murder a guy!!!!!!' #i do have issues with that resolution but only because i still think the lion turtle thing came out of nowhere #hmm. i guess technically lok is in the same 'didn't kill its big bad' boat but that's more complicated #since it had seasonal villains and not One Main Big Bad #anyway. that's besides the point #my real point is that i am and forever will be a butthurt su fan who's sick of everyone shitting on it all the time #and i will end up demonstrating that again in the future #so i also apologize preemptively #s says some words

[sysig]

I finally set my last notebook to rest, so it’s time for a new one (Patreon)

#Doodles #It took a long time! Having three concurrent notebooks at a time will do that #I'm used to only having two at a time but I think three is going to become my new regular #One for sketches - studies and random concepts and scribbly comics to be cleaned up in SAI at a later time #One for more finished paper art - not necessarily Fancy but lineless y'know lol a bit more proper as far as I'm concerned #And then a true free for all lol anything allowed! Basically a stream-of-consciousness captured to page #For now I've got the latter two covered I'm currently vetting the slightly-more-focused lined notebook #It was from a bit ago and I was being silly at the time haha but the first one is from a new brand I'm testing out #It feels good! It's grippy but not in a scratchy way and it accepts graphite and pigment well #I haven't tested pen bleed yet tho that'll be next on my list #The second is an old standby - not my favourite but one that is very easy to acquire and I know what to expect of it #It's also the same as my free-for-all notebook but that's really neither here nor there lol - I'm not likely to mix them up #The only thing I've really noticed so far is the new brand takes a bit more cleaning because its margin line bleeds a bit more than normal #It's not bad but I can see it getting annoying - pros and cons #The second two are just normal sona thoughts #I miss my spider. I've looked out at where I buried them every day since but it feels more manageable #It feels more approachable like I'll be able to talk about it with the sellers when we're able to go to see them #I do hope they don't think less of me for it... #And then the last haha - my Vargas immunity is currently basically zero so any outside mention of them is overwhelming #I got about three lines into a fic and had to stop lol - I still really want to read it! I just don't trust my brain with it right now #As if I still don't think about them all the time lol ♪ #Plus now I have my hammock again (♥!!!!) so I've got my reading spot back! #Reading never felt so good <3 <3

[ranger-kellyn]

told myself to take a break from getaway car so i don't burn myself out like i did last year, and of course my brain wanted to go think about my scarlet/violet fic, sooo have some rambling below the read more

like. one of my ideas has always been that i want juliana specifically to have quaxly not just bc he's my favorite starter in that region, but because it turns into quaquaval, a pokemon that is supposed to be known for its dancing abilities. i like to think they're a pokemon that only needs to see a dance once or twice before they've got it memorized.

i love the idea that a huge part of juliana's overall character arc is admitting to herself how much she wants to learn how to dance in some way because of course she happened to pick the pokemon that loves to dance. so she's basically learning alongside her pokemon throughout his evolution stages, mutually gaining more confidence until he's a fully grown quaquaval.

and!! not just him, but probably the three friends as well! it may not be something any of them are really interested in to begin with, but juliana and quaquaval make it a ton of fun. she probably even takes the time to learn an individual dance of some kind with each of them, and is the first to drag anyone to any festivals happening in the cities and towns.

(bc i am who i am) nemona's the first friend juliana ends up dancing with. while juliana quickly realizes how much quaxly likes music, nemona is the one who tells her about how he's going to turn into a pokemon that loves to dance. she mostly just enjoys having fun with them and learning whatever juliana is into. something that really helps juliana come out of her shell, which leads her to opening up to arven and penny around the same time

not 100% sure of styles apart yet but i mean...penny's has to be some nerd dance lol. i also kinda love the idea of arven learning a very formal spanish style dance with them.

idk i just want the core pillars of this story to be something along the lines of, music, song, food, and dance are all forms of love and connection and can be healing and--- AH i just want them to have time to really develop as a friend group throughout the treasure hunt.

#look my therapist has been saying this about me since the very beginning but i think i'm only just now really accepting it #writing is my therapy #i've seen so many posts saying you don't have to write as therapy / you don't have to write from experience / most people don't do that etc #i dunno. i internalized it all in a weird dumb way #the old bs take of 'if you share your trauma stories you're clearly trying to trigger other people and so ur just as bad'- #-was also stuck in my head #all of that to say i'm excited to work on this story one day since it's written entirely for my younger self #i can't change any of the bad things that happened to us in the past but we can live a little vicariously through fictional characters #let juliana have the friends and the love and support we never felt like we truly had #let my younger self who was traumatized by my mom's dance studio know that dance isn't a bad thing #it's weirdly healing and having fun is so much more important than being good at it #not everything you do has to be with the endgoal of turning it into a career or something that makes you money #at the end of the day i'm writing for me #the fact that other people have read my work and liked it is the biggest bonus i could ever ask for #writing tag

[zarafey]

Austria coming in with another masterful execution of law!

Now that the covid mask mandate isn't valid anymore we revert back to a law that got approved in 2019 I think... Its a law that prohibits you from masking your face! (literally just made bc of Islamophobia)... So now it's illegal in Austria to wear a mask in public! But also at the same time required to wear a mask if you tested positive! And when your in like a hospital and retirement homes! So now if you wanna wear a mask you need a doctor's note so that you are allowed to in public! :D

#Public includes stuff like trains and busses. University. Most Workplaces. #Not like it's still also a good idea to wear a mask even if you just have a cold or sth so you don't infect ppl etc #It's literally so dumb... Like last year it was still 'its illegal to not wear a mask' now it's illegal to do that?? What??? #The law was a dumb law from the start they should have just removed it or at least work on removing it #I really hope the votes next year get our politics more normal again bc it was just absolute chaos the last few years #One dude tried to sell Austria to the Russians or sth like that and then that other dude took over and #Then ppl said that dude is also corrupt so there was an investigation and stuff so someone else took over #And then I think they didn't find something so a few other parties called to get him out of office and then he just quit I think or was #Bullied out and then we had a vote again but the other parties all had shit candidates for chancellor #And I think in the meantime we changed chancellor again as well??? Like I literally have no idea who was chancellor since Kurz (2nd dude) #And then in the middle of covid our health minister also quit I think? 😂😂 #Oh and also a satire party (the beer party!) was really popular as well and that dude (Marco pogo) ran for president #Like he didn't get it but still he got like 3rd place with 8% of all votes #It's just all a fkn mess #OH RIGHT and then there was also a thing with an old Nazi song book that was used in the youth group of one party or sth like that #But I honestly can't remember if that was pre or post the Ibiza incident (selling to Russia thing) #Also I haven't fact checked anything in these notes. Be aware that it's 3am and I've been awake for 22 hours at this point. #And that my memory is bad so I might be conflating some stuff or miss remembering

[tearlessrain]

at this point I never want to actively look up shawn mendez or be told about him because I’m having so much fun seeing how long I can keep having zero clue what he’s famous for despite seeing him mentioned on a regular basis. like he’s clearly famous enough for whatever it is he does that no one feels the need to ever clarify it but I never learned and now perhaps I never will and I find that extremely entertaining. I am turning him over and over like a raccoon with a puzzle box and I am getting so much enrichment.

#like I don't remember seeing him in a movie ever so I don't think he's an actor because they use like five actors in everything now #so if he was an actor I'd have seen him in something #though tbf I haven't known what's going on in the mcu since endgame so he could be one of those #or wait not endgame the other one #the last one #was that endgame I keep mixing them up #I'm so bad at remembering the correct order of series things #anyway I'm pretty sure shawn mendez isn't an actor #he could be a youtuber in that I've never to my knowledge encountered ANY product produced by him #and people only ever mention him with zero indication of what he does which seems common with youtubers #I think the most likely one is that he's one of those like #indistinguishable top 40 pop dudes that all do the same lilting almost-hiphop thing idk what that genre's even called I'm old #it's whatever genre justin bieber was doing for a while but not very well #I don't know how else to describe it is that just what pop is now? #idk I mean clearly I'm not a fan but I'm also very much not the target audience I have no ill will toward it or anything #at least I don't now that I don't have to hear it every day #I had a little bit of ill will toward it when I worked in a salon and that was the only pandora station they had #anyway I've gotten off track but anyway wonder if I'll find out who shawn mendez is

[noxtivagus]

eulmore ost makes me so happy 🥹

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxiv. ] #both day n night themes r both so comforting for me. i have. a lot of memories in eulmore #with msq.. shadowbringers is very very special to me :c n then raiding i. i remember w the static we'd sit n just chill there n #talk or emote on each other or wtvr. i still remember those nights so clearly #i remember an old friend. how i'd always be shy to talk to him haha i never initiated any convos but i remember we met there n #yeah. n. he affected my life quite a bit months after in that week we talked quite a lot bcs i was really in a bad time then n.. #he was there ig. a friend back then. #with the static yh. i remember listening in to vc. sometimes we'd have guests too #like our friends who. was our static leader's friend first yh n he's one of the best ninja's w uhh ffl*gs >.> #n then our static lead's old friend from his old static joined us from time to time to i think he's from na???? #nyways the latter dude i can barely remember his voice but he was my co-tank several times during prog n i wld be so intimidated omg #i miss those days a lot. last year i was really disconnected from reality but i had a lot of friends n memories in ffxiv #this year was.. this year confuses me so much. n it's precisely bcs it's been so long since i've been connected w reality like this #i really don't want to mess it up n i think lately i haven't been doing well bcs i can't help but feel like i have #do you ever think of the past and wonder whether if you did better would things be different (& also better) now? #i'd rather not dwell on the past n instead look towards what i can do in the future but i've been feeling lost for so long now #ff calms me down so much oh my god i'm listening to some ffxv rn too n it brings back a lot of memories #all these memories really mean so much to me but it's so bittersweet bcs. i can't return to them. just remember n remember n remember #one day i'm afraid i'll forget. or all this would be too far out of my reach #n that day feels far too near. but this dread this anxiety this fear is normal. human. but so very tiring n i don't know what to do #i miss those days.. even yesterday i miss so much. even earlier today. thinking n lately i've been too tired to reach out in any way n oh #IM RAMBLING WAIT 😭😭 #i really don't know how to put it into words at this point but it just feels so bittersweet n cold n confusing n hdlkfjsdflkds :c #christmas is so near.. 2023 is so near n i'm not sure what i've done at all. lately life just feels so empty. #but eventually i'll find myself again. so please tell me you'll still wait. please tell me you haven't forgotten. #n so i'll forge ahead unto the morrow. with a heavy heart.. mind full of thoughts n hands too tired to write. but i'm still here. #even if it weighs heavy even if it hurts. tomorrow so long as there's tomorrow there'll always be another chance for smth better. #n i'll hold unto that hope forever

[swampndn]

Lol y'all know I'm STRUGGLIN when my therapist suggests a support group, and my knee-jerk reaction was "that sounds nice. I'm interested in that."

#Is this healing? #At this point I don't fucking know #Also support group history #I've gone twice #Once for the sudden death of my partner years ago #and another for current situation #both times were BAD BAD EXPERIENCES #Mainly because I was the only one from my specific circumstance in the group and it made folks feel worse #example #for the first one I was only 17 years old #everyone else was DRASTICALLY older than me #and I could tell I was upsetting other people because I was so young going through similar situation as they were #and because I had no peers it was weird #ANYWAY #but I think the real issue I had with this second time was that it was way too soon from the incident #I think since it's been a couple months I can do it #who knows #I'll try anything at this point #related #my therapist also said that people who grieve are like emotionally all over the place everywhere #they be crying laughing calm back to crying in front of people #I do not do that #at all #turns out that's suppressing the grief #so #see me on these streets being a mess I guess

[bohemiandeer]

You know what hits me hard? When 5 to 6 year old children, all the way in Southeast Asia, knows about what's happening in Palestine right now. That children their age is getting bombed, that they're starving to death, that they're getting shot at, and sniped in the head. Because, just this past 2 or so months, I heard some of the little ones in the Kindergarten classes I'm TAing in as an Intern talk about it. Hell, one of the little boys downright said he didn't like Israel, because Israel is bad, because they do scary things. Another was questioning whether Palestine was bad too, because, "why else would they shooting at them?". A little girl in one of my classes doesn't want to finish her food at all, because she wants to save at least half her meat and rice for kids in Palestine, because she heard that, they don't have food. And that's just the ones I remember. Namely the inciting cases before their classmates slowly follow suit. The littles are fricking SCARED. We had to sit these kids down, and tell them that the topic is too mature for them at the moment, that they shouldn't even be concerned because they're KINDERGARTNERS, they're not even old enough to properly understand. The one teacher I was TAing for had to make a class announcement saying that. What gets me is, these are 5 to 6 year olds, the youngest I've worked with in this specific age group is 4. 5 years old on average, and they've already been exposed to the worst horrors genocide has to offer through the news and snippets of conversation among adults and hell, considering how many of them say they like to play games on Mama's phone, or their IPad, even from fricking social media. And the fact that, these literal babies, from all the way in Cambodia, has more empathy in their entire body and soul, than full grown fricking adults have in the nail of their pinky finger, gets me. FFS we as adults could LEARN from them I feel sometimes. I honestly don't know what to feel about it anymore. On the one hand, this is the next generation I'm working with. And if the next generation's default response to a tragedy such as Palestine, is what I've seen come up on occasion so far? Perhaps there's some bloody hope for this world after all. At least in this country. Especially since a majority of them already come from families who survived a genocide. These are the 3rd - 4th generation descendants of those who survived the Khmer Rouge. They've got grandparents at home, who no doubt are more than intimately familiar with what Palestine is going through right now. And it shows.

But on the other, it makes my heart sink because these are CHILDREN, these are LITTLE KIDS, they should be playing with their toys and watching cartoons and talking to their friends about everything from Spiderman to Speakerman to Kuromi and her friends, and be worried about whether or not they can go to playground that day, guranteed they're well behaved, or if Mama remembered to pack in their costume for swimming lessons that week. NOT JUST MY KIDS. But the little ones in Palestine too. They deserve better. They all deserve, so much better. Hell, it's come to the point that whenever I look at my kiddos right now, whether they'd be working in class, playing, doing something as mundane as eating lunch or getting ready for their nap. I think of the children their age in Palestine that didn't even get the chance to survive. I think of the ones whose memories from this age, is nothing but absolute horror and pain, rather than what has slowly become my normal, who never got to experience what my littles do on a daily basis right now.

Children shouldn't even be concerned about "War", about a Genocide. The last thing that should be on a 5 year old's mind, is pain, and suffering, and the worst horrors imaginable ever to be inflicted on a human being. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S INFLICTED, ON OTHER CHILDREN THEIR AGE. And for that alone, the world has failed them. Especially the kids in Palestine who didn't ask for any of this. They just wanted to carry on with life as kids do, the same way as my littles do on a daily basis no doubt, learning, playing, chatting with friends over their favourite cartoons and characters, worrying about whether they'd get to go to the playground or not that day.

I apologize for talking about this on this blog. I know my blog tends to be lighter in feel, a lot more unhinged and light hearted typically. I mean, I'm just a fricking nerd who likes to draw and write, and lurk about her favourite fandoms to consume and support what is shared among other nerds who also like to draw and write. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. About contemplating it, especially since I'll be back on a roll tomorrow, working with my kiddos again after not seeing them for 5 days straight because of Holidays. And, I just had to talk about it. This is something I felt I couldn't keep to myself this time, I don't think my soul'd be able to carry it. I had to talk about it.

FREE PALESTINE. Our children deserve better.

#free palestine #gaza #palestine #rafah #israel #current events #gaza strip #human rights #childrens rights #save the children #cease fire in gaza #cease fire now #cease fire permanently #palestinian genocide #support gaza #pray for palestine #ceasfire now

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

I would not suggest using the app Her. There are a lot of fake accounts on there. I was trying to use the app recently and three times the women I tried to talk to ended up being fake accounts. So I deleted the app. :/

Any other app suggestions of apps I should try? Good apps for bisexual women to use to find other gay friends or date?

#I feel like I didn't articulate this well last time I tried to post this #I'm trying to warn people and not complain too much since no one wants to hear that tbh #I've been catfished before...on a different app but it was frankly terrifying that time :( #I verified myself on Her so I could talk to real women but everyone was allergic to verification :/ #I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual which is why I was on Her at all #I tried both lex and Taimi before but they didn't work for me #it sucks that Her didn't work because age-wise there were actually options for a 29/30 year old #like I'm only 30 (tomorrow)... I was so happy to see other women my own age on there!!! :-: #by which I mean it wasn't all 20 year olds... (sorry but I'm ten years older so that doesn't work for me) #add in a gif of when Tiff was shocked and disturbed that Lexy was only 24...that's young to me too omg! #I think I had the Her app for about a month? I was using it in June but it didn't really do anything for me #most of the other real people were complaining about how other women wouldn't talk to them (I joined some of the groups on there) #same girl same unfortunately #I just think I don't know how to use these apps or my luck is bad or something?!? (bad timing maybe idk seriously) #dating apps #friend finding apps #bisexual women #wlw #mychatter

[osshisan]

i used up all the energy i had for being upset about all the wrong i have to deal with in life while i was in middle & high school and now im just numb to all of it instead. don't really like it but what can you do

#i used to be able to get angry and sad and cry and yell about stuff #like being stuck in a flat rural conservative wasteland where i could only connect with a small handful of people #ive been angry about my circumstances since i got the awareness for them around 12-13 years old #then in high school when everything really started going to shit i had what i still think was a depressive episode and. well #i think i drained myself so bad im just stuck on empty now #things only continue to get worse and worse and im just passively hopeless about it all atp but i cant get myself to feel emotions abt it #every new law every new scotus ruling every new precedent that takes away another chance at a truly happy future #all i can ever do anymore is sigh and watch them pile up #not even gonna bring family stuff going on into this either thats another can of worms im not sharing on tumblr dot com at ass o'clock #but hey at least im not suicidal or anything #just feels like i'm waiting for a one-way train out of all this but i've no clue when it's coming #.txt #vent #kind of not really i don't feel anything typing this #just thinking out loud #yknow when you're in a silent room and all you hear is the soft airy drone of the a/c? and maybe even a ticking clock #that's how it feels. that's how Life is now

[sarahreesbrennan]

Are all the themes in “in other lands” supposed to be a commentary on something? Or do you just like writing sex scenes between minors, age gaps, and reverse misogyny?

Genuine question.

Ohhh, my dear anon, I don't believe this is a genuine question.

But it does bring up something I've been meaning to talk about. So I'll take the bait.

Firstly. Yes, my work contains a commentary on the world around us. I wonder what I could be doing with the child soldiers being sexually active in their teens (people hook up right after battles), and the age gap relationship ending in the younger one being too mature for the elder. What could I possibly have been attempting when I said 'how absurd gender roles are, when projected onto people we haven't been accustomed by our own society to see that way'? I wasn't being subtle, that's for sure.

Secondly. Yes I do enjoy writing! I think I should, it's my life's work. Am I titillated by my own writing, no - though I think it's fine to be. The sex scenes of In Other Lands aren't especially titillating, to be honest. It is interesting to me how often people sneer at women for writing romance and sex scenes, having 'book boyfriends,' insinuating women writers fancy their own characters. Women having too much immoral fun! Whereas men clearly write about sex for high literary purposes.

… I have to say from my experience of women and men's writing, I haven't found that to be true.

I’m not in this to have an internet argument. I prefer to leave my anons open since not everyone has a tumblr, as @neil-gaiman says it’s an internet backwater, but a lovely one for those like myself who enjoy an essay about fictional characters! Still I will close my inbox to anons if I must. Mostly people use bad faith takes to poke at others from the other side of a screen for kicks. But I do know some truly internalise the attitude that writing certain things is wrong, that anyone who makes mistakes must be shunned as impure, and that is a deeply Victorian and restrictive attitude that guarantees unhappiness.

I've become increasingly troubled by the very binary and extreme ways of thinking I see arising on the internet. They come naturally from people being in echo chambers, becoming hostile to differing opinions, and the age-old conundrum of wanting to be good, fearing you aren't, and making the futile effort to be free of sin. It makes me think of Tennyson, who when travelling through Ireland at the time of the Great Famine, said nobody should talk about the 'Irish distress' to him and insisted the window shades of his carriage be shut as he went from castle to castle. So he wouldn't see the bodies. But that didn't make the bodies cease to be.

In Les Mis, Victor Hugo explores why someone might steal, what that means about them and their circumstances, and who they might be - and explores why someone else is made terribly unhappy, and endangers others, through their own too rigid adherence to judgement and condemnation without pity. The story understands both Jean Valjean the thief and Javert the policeman. Javert’s way of thinking is the one that inevitably leads to tragedy.

Depiction isn't endorsement. Depiction is discussion.

Many of my loved ones have had widely varying relationships to and experience of sex (including 'none'). They've felt all different types of ways about it. If writing about them is not permissible, I close them out. I'd much rather a dialogue be open than closed.

I do understand the urge to write what seems right to others. I've been brain-poisoned that way myself. I used to worry so much about my female characters doing the wrong things, because then they'd be justly hated! Then I noted which of my writer friends had people love their female characters the most - and it was the one who wrote their female characters as screwing up massively, making rash and sometimes wrong decisions. Who wrote them as people. Because that's what people do. That's what feels true to readers.

I want my characters to feel true to readers. I want my characters to react in messy ways to imperfect situations. I love fantasy, I love wild action and I love deep thought, and I want to engage. That's what In Other Lands is about. That's even more what Long Live Evil is about. That sexy lady who sashays in to have sexy sex with the hero - what is her deal? Someone who tricks and lies to others - why are they doing that, how did they get so skilled at it? What makes one person cruelly judgemental, and another ignore all boundaries? What makes Carmen Maria Machado describe ‘fictional queer villains’ as ‘by far the most interesting characters’? What irritates people about women having a great time? What attracts us to power, to fiction, and to transgression?

I don’t know the answers to all those questions, but I know I want to explore them. And I know one more thing.

If the moral thing to do is shut people out and shut people up? Count me among the villains.

#bookblr #discourse #in other lands #long live evil #les mis #carmen maria machado #writing

[izuke-the-zombie]

🌸Sorry for the long ass absent guys 🫠 family and holidays have been crazy😮‍💨

I recently came across this short monkie kid wild West AU fanfic

It's short but it's really good, And it sort of got me in the mood to sketch or at least redraw the two mystic monkeys cowboy outfits again

I really wasn't sure whether to give Mac, purple boots or just black boots you can kind of see it in the first pick faded Mac.

🌸🐎🐴✨But I don't think I've seen anyone draw them with horses or write something about it, so I'm going to be the first one to do it! (I don't know how to draw them sitting on horses, so bear with me here.)😗💦 I know I put the scar on the wrong side of the Smokey Horse. My bad, let's just pretend it's on the right side.LOL😅🪷

😽💕I headCannon that when those two summon their horses together, they get really affectionate. The sheriff's horse is more like a big old golden retriever, playful and mischievous, and rarely ever listens to its owner. While over here, Mac's is more well-behaved and obedient, and they can get quite sassy sometimes. I'm not sure what to call it. It's hard to separate those two, so they try not to summon them at the same time.

They're also very affectionate to the monkeys especially the opposite ones.🐶🐎✨💕

😄I want a scenario where they let the horses stay instead of just poofing them out of existence so MK/MEI can play with the horses just a bit longer since they were begging them by giving them the puppy dog eyes (especially on Mei's side; she's a horse girl fan), and after a long while, the sheriff notices that his horse Nimbus was acting a little more strange and protective over the Smokey horse, letting them eat first, and just never leaving their side. All sorts of strange behavior on the Nimbus side. All he ever notices from the shadow horse is that they were a little sluggish, but he doesn't think too much of it.😗🤠🐵

🌟Until one day, BAM! This little cutie came into the world as a precious, adorable little cinnamon roll, prancing around like it owns the world.🧁😽🌎✨

🐎There's stupidly protective over this little guy.👿😡🦄🐴☀️🌙🌠

🐴And there's a huge problem. This little guy is clumsy as heck. He's new and everything, so of course he is, but he likes to adventure out without his horsey parents knowing or anyone else, and he loves playing games like tag his favorite, but because he's so clumsy, he causes damage that MK or his mentors have to fix, so everyone has to be on high alert and watch over the little rascal. LMAO 🐎🍼💥💕✨

🌸I hope you enjoyed this, I certainly had fun drawing this I wish there was more wild West monkeys fics there's some freaking cute💕✨

💥Aaaah! I love these freaking cow monkeys 😆💖

#monkie kid #lego monkie kid #lmk #sun wukong #six eared macaque #doodle #monkey king #macaque #mk #wild west au #monkie kid au #shadowpeach #horsey Shadowpeach #scenario / headcanon #cowboy monkeys #Journey to the wild west AU #cinnamon roll horsey ✨