#like I'm literally struggling to be a normal person at my siblings rn and the bar is v low with them

[hypotheticallyimmortal]

venting feel free to ignore

okay so like mental health related vent with some semi-related other venting I'll shove it like below the keep reading thing so you don't have to see it

idk what to tag this with for tws and cws or whatever so yeah idk

talking a bit about food related mental health topics so if there's anything you wanna avoid there

also just talking about family members so you know, nothing like too bad, just fair warning for that HJSGDKFSD

so like honestly really struggling with just like food rn

and I don't really know why

I think it's at least partially because my brain often freaks out about like whether food is safe, idk why, I mean I kinda have an idea why but idk, like I don't have ocd but I do have contamination anxiety type stuff sometimes but that's a tangent

like part of it might be because I made a tumblr again, and last time I had tumblr I got pulled into like the ED side and like had an eating disorder so idk if part of it is like old feelings getting like dredged up and making it harder like compounding on that first thing

or maybe it's something physical that's messing with my appetite idk

or a mix of those things idk

a like far lesser part of it with some food might be because texture and me having asd but like that's tangential because it's stuff I can normally eat

point is struggling to eat

especially with anything that looks like it might not be right, which to my brain rn seems to be just about like most food

(haha at least my brain isn't freaking out about drinking water that always sucks, I'd prefer to not eat than not drink afterall SJHDGFJSGD)

also more tangential venting

but so like last week on easter my grandma decided to cook like some store bought vegetable lasagne and like we found a like insect in it - so that might be part of why I'm struggling because like anxiety being validated ig

so I didn't want to eat with everyone else and took my portion upstairs and I did the very normal thing that everyone else would do for sure and definitely isn't weird in the slightest of like looking through before eating it to check it was okay

(so like I'm a vegetarian right but I just wanted to double check it was a vegetable lasangne because sometimes my grandma buys like the non-vegetable lasagne and like while she wouldn't give me meat on purpose she has done it by accident multiple times before haha)

and anyway at the time I show it to my grandma right I bring it downstairs and I'm like "there's an insect in my lasagne" my grandma is like "that's just spinach, this is a reputable firm they wouldn't do something like this" and I'm like "but that's literally an insect" my grandma is like "fine we'll get the magnifying glass" ... "spinach" me: "it literally has antennae and legs" my grandma "I'll have to get <twin sibling> and <older half brother> to look at it" me: "it has antennae and legs" my grandma "oh my god it really is an insect" "<grandma's husband's name> look what <irl body name> in found <pronoun> lasagne"

like I get it I'm a bit like insane about food sometimes but I wish she would actually just fucking listen and believe me

like she also gets so upset when I ask her if something is wrong with food or like don't want to eat it, or double check that it doesn't have meat or is safe and stuff, like it's not about her why does she have to take it personally HKLSGDFKJSGDFK

also then today my mum was a bit oof about weight stuff and things haha, like I wish they weren't controlling about it, like I get I've had anorexia in the past but bro SHDGFKSHD

my mum: I'm going to tell <grandma> that you need to eat more and gain weight me: I'm pretty sure I'm a healthy weight my mum: you're looking bony me, confused: we can measure my weight right now if you're worried me: *measures weight* my mum: you're only 3kg heavier than I am and look how much taller you are me, shocked: *goes to check my bmi, and it is in the middle of the healthy weight section* so that's good kinda that I am healthy bmi ig

I feel like it's kinda fucked up my mum went to say she'd tell my grandma? like knowing that my grandma is both like oof about food and like does worry because obvs I actually did have an ed in the past

also another fucked up part was that part of me was kinda hoping my mum was right, I don't think my brain ever stopped like viewing being underweight as something I kinda wanted on some level even after getting better, like I'm not really functional enough to like move out for like multiple reasons but I've always kinda thought it's probably good I haven't because I probably would start like not eating enough again

okay anyway so also anyway

it turned into a thing tonight because I didn't really eat dinner, and my grandma got upset at me for like not eating dinner (well it was like some kind of a vegetable stew and some bread, I did manage to eat the bread at least)

and also only had a pot noodle for lunch at like 4pm

but anyway my grandma got upset about it

and also didn't eat my dinner last night because my brain said there was something wrong with the rice

and the night before that I kinda only ate half my dinner because m-

and the night before that I kinda-

anyway today tho I did eat like a whole like chocolate easter egg tonight so it's not like a like calories thing or anything, well that was on my mind when thinking about it but ehh it didn't stop me so not the issue

and I was talking to my mum about it later right (for the sake of not repeating just read below) and anyway she said I should repeat what i said to her to my grandma

so anyway I went to speak to my grandma and explained that I was struggling with eating, and that it wasn't like an anorexia thing just that I was struggling with thinking it was like safe to eat and that i didn't exactly know why I was struggling with it but yeah

so I brought up the insect thing or maybe that I was just anxious because I'm seeing a therapist on the 24th (which is the first time I'm seeing a therapist in like idk 5 years) but that I didn't know why exactly I'm struggling with food

and anyway my grandma was like "okay I get it" when I brought up the insect thing

then she went into a whole thing about how I don't have it as bad as she had it because when she was younger her siblings used to tell her things crawled over her food and that she had to stay with someone else because it got so bad for her that she had to be treated for like malnourishment

and like okay sure I don't have her experiences with like that but still like I'm struggling and ??? why is she making it into a competition

anyway so she at least did say she'd help by like trying to make food bland and stuff so I wouldn't have to worry about it which is nice but still HSDGFKSHD

honestly I go between just absolutely hating my grandma and like thinking she's okay, I lowkey wish she'd just see a therapist and work through her shit rather than like -

anyway that's a tangent but haha yeah vent :)

#vent

[sera-wasnever]

Also I'm so sorry if we talk every single social skill/spoon has deserted me for the last couple weeks

#personal #like I'm literally struggling to be a normal person at my siblings rn and the bar is v low with them #it's the avoidance chronic pain and hyperfixation for me luv

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

#mental health #toxic relationship #toxic environment #boundaries #parenthood #ask #tw? not sure what to tag just in case #tw: swearing #tw: mental health #tw: anxiety

[comfort--cafe]

Honestly I don't know what do to anymore. I'm just feeling sadder every day, and the things that used to give me joy just don't work anymore. I started to self harm in hopes it will make me feel better somehow but no, since I scratch my arm until it hurts a lot and nothing more, im a coward. I really want to die rn... i just feel it's not worth it.

THIS IS NOT A PROFESSIONALSOURCE OF ADVICE OR SUPPORT, WE HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELPSINCE WE ARE NOT TRAINED TO HANDLE THESE SORT OF SITUATIONS. PLEASE DO NOT TAKEOUR ADVICE AS FACT, BUT WE STILL HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

Salutations!

I apologise if this answer took extremely long, it’s actually been on my list for quite a while. It just took me quite some time to edit andtype it all out, so please excuse my lateness

Pleasedon’t self-harm, no one in the world deserves that sort of treatment tothemselves or by others. Self-harm is only a way to create short temporary relief,there’s an actual scientific explanation to this.  Basically self-harm can be a harmful reliefpractice, the body reacts to physical pain by producing and releasing endorphinsto try and fight against it. It’s like when falling off a bike, there’s initialpain of the impact but after a few moments you find that the pain is non-existentand you’re at a rested state.

Thisis the endorphins, they are essentially the feel good chemicals the body createsin responds to harm, and with the cycle of feeling bad, self-harm, and shortrelief, you can see how people can get addictive to self-harm. However, whatyou want is long term relief, something you can rely on forever and won’t causeyou harm. This is what you want to achieve.

Soto break this cycle, you need something to replace that feeling of relief andproduce endorphins, something that eitherworks with you emotionally or physically.

Thisis just some ideas…

Drawing

Poetry

Gaming

Cook/Bake

Listento music

Destroyingan object

Usingnail polish or pens to create lines across your skin or cover previous scars.

Watchinga movie, episode, YouTuber

Singing

Dancing   

Having a long bath or shower

Spending time with a close friend or pet

Exercise(Shown to be very effective because the body creates endorphins after thestress of physical activity)

Meditation(More selected to the mind and focusing on what you are feeling and how you areresponding to this)

Basicallythis action has to keep you distracted from what you feeling and thinking, thisis the first step.

Thesecond step is practicing something that makes you feel you have worth. For themajority of people on Tumblr, it’s normally art since you are putting your effortsinto something you can literally see and touch. When your able to see your literalefforts, you can tell yourself that you have done something and not wastedtime. Hopefully this can also be something you enjoy and something you embraceas a part of yourself and your individuality. As long as your able to clearlysee that you made effort into something, even if it’s little. It shows that youhave the capability to create and to produce something rather than nothing. Andthus, you are worth something, even if it’s little.

Thehardest step in my opinion, is actually doing it. You can plan and think allthese things, but if you don’t actually do it. Then nothing will get better, self-careis a mixture of physical and emotional effort. Effort includes activelyrelaxing and distressing your body alongside with care for the mind, this is soyou can slowly get back into your daily activity and having a healthy state ofmind. But it’s hard to do anything when nothing gives you a stimulus or a senseof happiness, it may seem like nothing is worth anything and that you can’t doanything. You feel pathetic and stupid for trying, but this isn’t true. Youwill always have achieved something in your life, and you will always continue togrow and develop as a person. But to do that you need to act, I don’t know whatyou’re personally going through since each experience is different. But I knowwhat it’s like when you feel like you just want to give up, the struggle ofgetting out and trying to remove yourself from the comfort of your bed isextremely difficult along with viewing yourself as having some worth. I wouldhonestly want to spend my days sleeping and not trying, but that’s only preventingyou from getting better.

Evenif you manage to get out of bed, eat something, and maybe watch a video. Thenyou have done something that was extremely difficult to you. Thus it matters toyou and is important because it affected you and you manage to overcome it,through your efforts.

Sokeep continuing and trying the activities, something will always occur. Hopefullyyou will be able to feel good about this, but if you don’t. Return back to stepone as a simple way of distracting yourself from the original thought.

Mylast advice is get professional help. If these urges and emotions continue andonly keep getting stronger. You need to seek professional help, there areonline sources where you can call, email, or have online chats with thesepeople who have the qualification to help you and get you what you need. Tellyour parents about these desires, they care for you and only want the best. Theywill always try to do what is right for you, sometimes they might not be doingit. But you need to tell them that this is effecting you and that you needhelp.

Toachieve the best out of yourself you need to take care of yourself, so pleaseconsider getting professional help if this continues.

As a recap…

1) Distract

2) Enjoy

3) Always try to act

Doing activities can include stuff beyond this list, i only mentioned a few things.

You are worth something, every living thing has a value. You control your purpose and meaning, you are in control of your own life.

Keep fighting, and never give up!

People are here for you, if you need help there is no shame in asking. 

Rely on your friends, pets, family, siblings, parents. We all go through bad times and we could all use some help by others.

Never isolate yourself, that is the worse thing you can do for yourself.

If you think your going to self harm, call a service immediately. 

Getting good support is important to getting better, some sites include..

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

https://kidshelpline.com.au/

It really depends on your location and where you live.

I believe in you, I know you can get through this.

Thank you for ordering at the comfort-café!

Come visit us againanytime!

Mod Chef