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drbacklinks · 3 years

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danielmouradjensen · 3 years

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Canterbury Tales - in a historical/social context

In this essay the reader will be enlighten with an extremely short introduction to Canterbury Tales and the skillful poet behind this unique master piece, written in Middle English. Due to the size and focus of the paper, the Pardoner’s Tale, the Parson’s Tale and the wife of Bath’s Tale, including the prologues, will be selected among the 24 stories in Canterbury Tales. It will therefore be these three tales, which will be placed in a historical and social context. The main question in the essay is, “Which historical events are worth mentioning when discussing, the three specific tales, in Canterbury Tales?”

In Canterbury Tales (1387 - 1400.), the readers are introduced with a variety of personalities, like the Pardoner, the Parson, the Clerk, the Knight and the Wife of Bath. These mentioned characters are all pilgrims heading towards Canterbury. The tales are not written in Latin or French, which were languages preferred at that time but in Middle English. The Canterbury Tales were meant for a specific group of people and not the whole population in England1. Reading aloud was regarded as a social event in the time Chaucer.

It is also presumed that Geoffrey Chaucer did not write to achieve the benefits of fame. Canterbury Tales were of course handwritten on various manuscripts because it was much later, more specific, in the year 14762, that William Caxton introduced the first printing press in England. When the tales, which are quite amusing, were written, it was in a time or period of war, sickness and despair. It is from within the tales that the reader learns more about the society in the late Middle Ages. It is worth mentioning, that Chaucer had an advantage among his peers, in that he was a member of the court of King Richard II of England (1367-1400).

Furthermore, it is quite important to take notice that Chaucer the Poet uses a light satirical tone when introducing the many characters, in the different tales. Geoffrey Chaucer, as the genius he was, created a persona who is himself, in order to be part of the tales. In Canterbury Tales, the author and the narrator merge - another unique feature in the tales.

The Pardoner’s tale, the Parson’s tales and the Wife of Bath

As promised, the three tales will be placed in a historical (social) context: the role of the Church in England, the Great Western Schism, the Lollards, and the Hundred Year’s War as well as the Black Death. The Peasants’ Revolt, in 1381, will unfortunately not be discussed in this essay. This historical event would be interesting in connection with especially the Knight’s Tale.

The Pardoner’s tale

But, sirs, one thing that slipped my memory when I spoke my tale: I've relics, pardons in My pouch, in England none could finer be, The pope's own hand entrusted them to me. If anyone devoutly has resolved To make a gift and by me be absolved, Come forth at once and meekly on your knees Receive my pardon. Or, if you so please, Take for yourself a pardon as you go--One fresh and new at every town--just so You offer to me, all the while we ride, Some pence and nobles that are bonafide. (l. 919 – 930, Canterbury Tales, “the Pardoner’s Tale”)3

Is the Pardoner a charlatan or a true holy man? Geoffrey Chaucer describes this character as a man more interested in selling relics and enjoy life’s pleasures than helping others of the goodness of his heart. As an example from “The Pardoner's Portrait”: “He'd make more money in one day alone Than would the parson two months come and gone. So he made apes, with all the tricks he'd do, Of parson and of congregation too.” (l. 703 – 706, Canterbury Tales, “General Prologue”)4. However, in line 708 Chaucer writes: “In church he was a fine ecclesiastic”. The theme in the Pardoner´s tale is that the root to all evil is money. And money is what the pardoner likes. A greedy man who speaks about greed. Again, it becomes evident that Chaucer does not find the Pardoner worthy of his position as a man of the Church. Because of irony, the reader has to read between the lines.

In the late Middle Ages many historical events occurred, among them was the Western Schism (1378-1417), which resulted in a slit of the Roman Catholic Church. During a very long period, rivalries for the papacy led to a deep political crisis within the Church. Even after the truce with France, in 1389, England continued, very firmly, to support Rome, not Avignon, and would not offer any real solutions to end the Schism5. In the tales, it is also from Rome where the church authority derives from.

It is here, it is very interesting to talk about the role or status of the Church in England, during the lifetime of Chaucer. Was the Church in England strong or weak? At the time of Chaucer, the church was weak due to the Western Schism, mentioned above, the Black Death (1346–1353) and greedy/selfish churchmen6.

In England, the Black Death, which almost killed half of the population and the Hundred Years' War (1337-1453), led to an increase of self-serving churchmen – like the Pardoner in Canterbury Tales. The people of England were in pain and needed help and guidance, which meant a great opportunity for greedy and self-absorbed men of the church to exploit it. To further elaborate on the Hundred Years' War, which Geoffrey Chaucer himself participated in, even more death and suffering befell the people of England. France was also hurting and bleeding. The long war did not only bring serious social and economic changes in the English and French societies but also affected the writing of Geoffrey Chaucer.

The Black Death had a huge impact on the English society as a whole, not only were people dying but the way they died was horrific. There is a line/phrase saying: “there were hardly enough living to care for the sick and bury the dead”7. The plague affected the economy, politics and religion. It also had an impact on culture and arts. What is quite interesting is that the plague as well as the Hundred Years' War actually empowered the people.

Geoffrey Chaucer knew because of his place in the higher classes, the realities of the church and the abuses of the clergy. This gave Chaucer the opportunity to use humorous irony in the tales. Making fun of the mischiefs of the clergy was not something new at that time8. In addition to this, Chaucer was acquainted with John Wyclif, theologian and reformer, which contributed to a harsher stand towards the clergy in England.

No institution in fourteenth-century England was so often the object of satire as the Church. The great organization, with its wealth, its power, and its conservative traditions, might have been expected to offer a safeguard against social decay; but the Church itself was a fruitful breeding-ground for the very things, which were disorganizing feudal society. (A Chaucer handbook, p. 35)9

Going in depth with the Pardoner’s Tale, Death has a vital role, and might be viewed as the plague, which, stated above, ravaged England. Death, or the personification of Death, was something that Chaucer’s audience could identify with. The Pardoner’s Tale is the only tale set during the Black Plague.

The Parson’s Tale

There was a good man of religion, too, A PARSON of a certain township who Was poor, but rich in holy thought and work. He also was a learned man, a clerk; The Christian gospel he would truly preach, Devoutly his parishioners to teach. Benign he was, in diligence a wonder, And patient in adversity, as under Such he'd proven many times. And loath He was to get his tithes by threatening oath; For he would rather give, without a doubt, To all the poor parishioners about From his own substance and the offerings. (l. 477 – 489, Canterbury Tales, “General Prologue”)10

In the Parson’s Tale, the reader is now introduced to a different character than the Pardoner. It is the last and longest tale in Canterbury Tales. The funny thing is that, the tale is not even a tale:

It is a penitential manual, a curious choice because nearly all such vehicles of religious instruction were prepared by the clergy or by mystics. It is largely derivative, using material common to so many treatises that only a few of the actual sources can be established with some certainty. (Sermon and Penitential in The Parson’s Tale and their Effect on Style, p. 125)11

The Parson tells the others that he does not want to amuse them and therefore he chooses instead a sermon. From the Prologue: “You won't get any fable told by me; For Saint Paul, as he writes to Timothy, Reproves those who abandon truthfulness for fable-telling and such wretchedness.” (l. 31 - 34, Canterbury Tales, “The Parson's Tale PROLOGUE”)12

He could definitely be viewed as a more positive face of the church, according to Chaucer, than the persona, which the Pardoner represented. It is also worth noticing that, from the descriptions in the Prologue, the Parson, the Knight and the Ploughman represent the three traditional spheres of medieval society13.

It could also be worth placing “the Parson’s Tale” in context with the Lollards. As mentioned before, Chaucer was in contact with John Wyclif, who was convinced that the Bible and God had the highest authority and that the clergy should not own property. He also translated the Bible into Middle English14, which made it a lot easier for those who did not understand Latin. The Lollards followed John Wyclif and in the beginning, his supporters were from Oxford University and the royal court but the “movement” became increasingly popular outside “the inner circle”. The Lollards were critical towards the Church, which of course made them quite unpopular with the established clergy. The monastic leaders were not keen to follow or abide the views of John Wyclif and his followers. During the Black Death, Wyclif saw many flaws and weaknesses in the Church. It was believed that Rome was the enemy, and that the devote Christian only needed the local pastor and congregation15. The Lollards also saw sacraments as fake, which meant the reformers wanted to change the core in the Catholic Church. Wyclif died naturally even though the Church wanted him executed for heresy.

There could also be links between Parson’s tale and the ideas of the Lollards. According to Frances McCormack,16 there could be some similarities with the vocabulary in the tale and that of the Lollards. As also stated in the beginning that Chaucer did not write to a large group of people, he had a specific audience (like the royal court) and among these members were those who, in one way or another, supported the ideas of the Lollards.

The Wife of Bath’s Tale

She was a worthy woman all her life: At church door with five men she'd been a wife, Not counting all the company of her youth.(No need to treat that now, but it's the truth.) She'd journeyed to Jerusalem three times; Strange rivers she had crossed in foreign climes; She'd been to Rome and also to Boulogne, To Galicia for Saint James and to Cologne, And she knew much of wandering by the way. She had the lover's gap teeth, I must say. With ease upon an ambling horse she sat, Well wimpled, while upon her head her hat Was broad as any buckler to be found. (l. 459– 471, Canterbury Tales, “General Prologue”)17

Another very interesting character and pilgrim in Canterbury Tales is the Wife of Bath who sounds more like a modern woman and a feminist from the late 20th century than a woman from the late Middle Ages. This eccentric character, actually named Alison (line 804, The Wife of Bath's Tale PROLOGUE), is not afraid to speak her mind about former husbands, marriage and her sex-life. She does not sound like what a typical pilgrim should be and act. As an example, in the following quote, the reader learns what men’s “instruments” are actually used for:

That learned men I not provoke to oath, I mean to say that they were made for both--That is, both for relief and for our ease To procreate, so God we not displease. Why else should men into their ledgers set That every man yield to his wife her debt? And how can he pay this emolument Unless he use his simple instrument? That's why upon all creatures these are set, To urinate and also to beget. (l. 125 - 134, Canterbury Tales, “The Wife of Bath's Tale PROLOGUE”)18

She is one of the few women among the pilgrims, but she is not afraid to speak her mind and rebel against the patriarchal powers19. The Pardoner tries to interrupt her by flatter, but it does not work and she continuous:

The Pardoner spoke up immediately. "Now dame, by God and by Saint John," said he, "As a noble preacher on the case you'll pass. I almost wed a wife, but then, alas, Why buy it with my flesh, a price so dear? I'd rather not get married, not this year." "Abide," she said, "my tale is not begun! No, you'll be drinking from another tun, Before I'm through, that tastes much worse than ale. (l. 163 - 171, Canterbury Tales, “The Wife of Bath's Tale)20

In “Feminist Readings in Middle English Literature”, a very important point is made: “Recognition of the cultural meanings that are spoken through female voices can be a starting place for the exploration of forms of power and power relations in the Middle Ages.”21 The Wife of Bath (still looking for husband number six), is also a woman who has been on several pilgrimages. Furthermore, she is a woman who travels alone. In her tale, the readers learn about the knight, who rapes a fair maiden and as a punishment/challenge must answer what it is women what most of all. The queen who offers the knight a second chance is none other than Guinevere, the wife of King Arthur. What is important to point out, is that stories of King Arthur were quite popular at the time of Chaucer. Alison speaks of magic and magical creatures, which at that time, the established Church viewed as pagan beliefs. The tale begins with:

In the old days of King Arthur, today Still praised by Britons in a special way, This land was filled with fairies all about. The elf-queen with her jolly little rout In many a green field often danced. (l. 857 - 861, Canterbury Tales, “The Wife of Bath's Tale)22

When exploring the Wife of Bath’s tale in a historical context, it is also interesting to look at the Beguines in the mid and late Middle Ages. The Beguines were women who devoted their lives to God. In a time where there were more women than men, this specific life of a Beguine provided a safe haven for women without husbands.

The conclusion of the essay

When the Geoffrey Chaucer created the 24 spectacular tales, which were not only amusing and ironic/satirical, it was in a period of war, illness and despair. It is from within the tales and prologues that the reader has the opportunity to study the English society in the late Middle Ages. It is also worth mentioning, that Chaucer had an advantage among his countrymen, in that he was a member of the court of King Richard II of England (1367-1400).

A crucial religious and historical event took place in the western Christian world, which without doubt affected the religious thoughts and views of many people, in the different layers of the societies, in the late Middle Ages. The Western Schism (1378-1417) resulted in a slit of the Roman Catholic Church. During a very long period, rivalries for the papacy and/or authority led to a deep political crisis within the Church.

At the time of Chaucer, the church was weak due to the Western Schism, mentioned earlier, the Black Death (1346–1353) and corrupted churchmen.

In England, the Black Plague, which almost exterminated half of the population and the Hundred Years' War (1337-1453), led to an increase of self-serving churchmen – like the greedy Pardoner in Canterbury Tales. The people of England were in pain and were in seek of help and guidance, which meant a great opportunity for greedy and self-absorbed men of the church to exploit it. As mentioned in the essay, the Black Death had a huge impact on the English society as a whole, not only were the population dying but the way they died was unbelievable. There is a line/phrase, to further illustrating the Black Plague, saying: “there were hardly enough living to care for the sick and bury the dead”. The Black Death affected the economy, politics and religion. It also changed the culture and arts (including, the writing of Chaucer).

Placing “the Parson’s Tale” in context with the Lollards, makes som sense. As mentioned before, Chaucer was in contact with John Wyclif, who was convinced that it was only God and the Bible, which had the real authority. That the clergy should not possess property, which they indeed did. The Lollards were critical towards the Church, which of course made them quite unpopular with the clergy. The monastic leaders were not keen to follow or abide the radical views of John Wyclif and his supporters. During the Black Death, Wyclif saw many flaws and weaknesses in the established Church. Geoffrey Chaucer knew, due to his status and as member of the royal court, the realities of the church and the abuses of the clergymen. This gave Chaucer the opportunity to use humorous irony in the tales. Chaucer had an idea on how the clergy should act and was frustrated with how they actually acted, as an example the Parson vs. the Pardoner.

It is also worth recalling that, from the descriptions in the Prologue, the Parson, the Knight and the Ploughman represent the three traditional spheres of medieval society. Another very interesting female character and pilgrim in Canterbury Tales is the Wife of Bath. She sounds more like a modern woman and a feminist from the late 20th century than a woman from the late Middle Ages. She might even represent some women in this specific period.

Bibliography

Blades,William. The Life and Typography of William Caxton, England's First Printer - With Evidence of his Typographical Connection with Colard Mansion, the Printer at Bruges. Cambridge University Press, 2014.

Byrne, Joseph. Encyclopedia of the Black Death. ABC-CLIO, 2012.

Creighton, James Joseph. Chaucer's Presentation of the Church in the Canterbury Tales. Master’s theses, Loyola University Chicago, 1957

Evans, Ruth and Leslie Johnson. Feminist Readings in Middle English Literature: The Wife of Bath and All Her Sect. Routledge, 2005.

French, Robert Dudley. A Chaucer handbook. New York, 1947.

Manly, John Matthews. Some New Light on Chaucer. Henry Holt, 1926.

McCormack, Frances Mary. Author of Chaucer and the Culture of Dissent: The Lollard Context and Subtext of the Parson's Tale Four. Courts Press, 2007.

Palmer, J. J. N.. England and the Great Western Schism, 1388-1399”, The English Historical Review Vol. 83, No. 328 .Jul., 1968.

Rowland, Beryl. Sermon and Penitential in The Parson’s Tale and their Effect on Style. Florilegium 9, 1987.

Black Death: The lasting impact by Professor Tom James, last accessed Monday, October 24, 2016, http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/middle_ages/black_impact_01.shtml

General Prologue, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/general.html

John Wycliffe and The Lollards, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://sites.fas.harvard.edu/~chaucer/special/varia/lollards/lollards.html

The Pardoner's Tale, last accessed Friday, October 21, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/pardoner.html

The Parson's Tale PROLOGUE, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/parsonpro.html

The Wife of Bath's Tale, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wife.html

The Wife of Bath's Tale PROLOGUE, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wifepro.html

1 John Matthews Manly, Some New Light on Chaucer (Henry Holt, 1926), 76.

2 William Blades, The Life and Typography of William Caxton, England's First Printer - With Evidence of his Typographical Connection with Colard Mansion, the Printer at Bruges (Cambridge University Press, 2014), 62-63.

3 The Pardoner's Tale, last accessed Friday, October 21, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/pardoner.html

4 General Prologue, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/general.html

5 J. J. N. Palmer, ”England and the Great Western Schism, 1388-1399”, The English Historical Review Vol. 83, No. 328 (Jul., 1968): 516

6 James Joseph Creighton, “Chaucer's Presentation of the Church in the Canterbury Tales”, (Master’s theses, Loyola University Chicago, 1957): 13

7 Black Death: The lasting impact by Professor Tom James, last accessed Monday, October 24, 2016, http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/middle_ages/black_impact_01.shtml

8 James Joseph Creighton, “Chaucer's Presentation of the Church in the Canterbury Tales”, 11

9 Robert Dudley French, A Chaucer handbook (New York, 1947)

10 General Prologue, last accessed Sunday, Monday 24, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/general.html

11 Beryl Rowland, “Sermon and Penitential in The Parson’s Tale and their Effect on Style”, Florilegium 9 (1987): 125

12 The Parson's Tale PROLOGUE, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/parsonpro.html

13 Black Death: The lasting impact by Professor Tom James, last accessed Monday, October 24, 2016, http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/middle_ages/black_impact_01.shtml

14 John Wycliffe and The Lollards, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://sites.fas.harvard.edu/~chaucer/special/varia/lollards/lollards.html

15 Joseph Byrne, Encyclopedia of the Black Death (ABC-CLIO, 2012), 214

16 Frances Mary McCormack, Author of Chaucer and the Culture of Dissent: The Lollard Context and Subtext of the Parson's Tale (Four Courts Press, 2007)

17 General Prologue, last accessed Sunday, Monday 24, 2016, english.fsu.edu/canterbury/general.html

18 The Wife of Bath's Tale PROLOGUE, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wifepro.html

19 Ruth Evans and Leslie Johnson, Feminist Readings in Middle English Literature : The Wife of Bath and All Her Sect (Routledge, 2005), 1.

20 The Wife of Bath's Tale, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wife.html

21 Ruth Evans and Leslie Johnson, Feminist Readings, 2.

22 The Wife of Bath's Tale, last accessed Sunday, October 23, 2016, http://english.fsu.edu/canterbury/wife.html

#geoffrey chaucer #history #litterature

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ellymackay · 3 years

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Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine Reflects on a Year Plagued by Sleeplessness

Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine Reflects on a Year Plagued by Sleeplessness is courtesy of Elly Mackay's Sleep Blog

Psychologists add perspective to 2020 and share tips for better sleep in 2021.

By Earl C. Crew, PhD, Kelly Baron, PhD, DBSM, Michael V. DeSanctis, PhD, LP, ABPP, DBSM, Christina McCrae, PhD, CBSM, and Skye O. Margolies, PhD, DBSM

Having used the past few months to ponder it in full, the conclusion about 2020 remains the same: the year was a bit of a nightmare for sleep.

Between the COVID-19 pandemic, racial violence, pervasive wildfires, a contentious election season, and an economic collapse, it’s hardly surprising that people with insomnia, nightmares, and other concerns about poor sleep have flooded sleep medicine clinics.

At a time when our immune systems and mental health need as much support as they can get, sleep is like a frontline worker—essential. But how can we possibly sleep well when the future has been so uncertain? Especially since COVID-19 robbed many of their routines, social connection, and coping resources.

Early into the pandemic, we at the Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine (SBSM) created a task force to help the public better understand how sleep might change in response to the pandemic, and how best to protect sleep even amidst the chaos. We published our top recommendations for keeping sleep on track.

Now that 2020 is behind us, but with the pandemic still raging, we share some additional thoughts about evolving challenges for sleep, as well as provide tips for getting through them.

[RELATED: After 4-year Gap, Behavioral Sleep Medicine Has a New Credential]

Why Sleep Has Suffered

For our ancestors, sleep was a high-risk activity, leaving them vulnerable to predation. When danger—like a saber-toothed tiger—lurked nearby, the fight-or-flight system provided a life-saving switch to override sleep and get to safety.

In 2020, our primary predator has been COVID-19. This invisible menace has kept us recurrently on-edge—constantly in fight-or-flight—making sleep difficult for many.

Understandably, some have turned to medications, alcohol, or other substances to help get to sleep. This often backfires by worsening sleep quality or creating dependence. For many, what may have started as a few nights of stress-induced sleeplessness back in March has morphed into chronic insomnia.

[RELATED: CBT-I Works in Young Drinkers to Reduce Insomnia Symptoms & May Help Lessen Alcohol Use Too]

Some Have Suffered More Than Others

But not everyone has had the same success navigating stress and the threats to sleep in 2020. COVID-19 has disproportionately affected communities of color, with minority Americans more likely to be out of work, hospitalized, or dead die due to COVID-19.

Similar disparities are also found for sleep. Black, Hispanic/Latinx, Native American/Alaska Native, and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander citizens are more likely to get fewer hours of sleep and experience more sleep interruptions compared to non-Hispanic Whites.

The burdens of systemic racism and discrimination, as well as having fewer opportunities to get enough sleep due to competing responsibilities, may explain some of these racial/ethnic disparities in sleep. This gap likely widened in 2020—due to added stress from the pandemic, as well as from the incidents of racial violence, police brutality, and resulting protests that occurred during the summer.

Children and Teens’ Sleep

Another casualty of the pandemic began in March and April, when schools closed and 57+ million kids in the United States started attending school virtually. Almost immediately, Zoom classrooms were flooded with hordes of sleep-deprived zombies.

Kids lost much of their structured activities, social interactions, and time outside under the sun. All of the things that kept their biological rhythms on track became wobbly. The loss of a consistent sleep-wake routine set them up for increased stress and fewer ways to cope. That’s why your child is having more nightmares or why your teen may be even crankier than usual.

What’s more, school closures took a toll on the nation’s parents, now forced to become impromptu educators while juggling everything else. Fall arrived and some schools returned to in-person instruction, only for surges of virus cases in “hotspots” to trigger a sudden return to virtual learning. Parents must now prepare to immediately react to whatever new protocol is needed for tomorrow.

There are no perfect solutions for how to teach our nations’ children during a global pandemic, but any parent is likely to tell you that this pattern is simply unsustainable. How can healthy sleep occur under these conditions?

Here’s How to Cope

Even though things may often feel apocalyptic and chaotic, we are not totally powerless and there are things we can do to protect our sleep health.

Get up at the same time each day.

“Sleep is a core human health behavior,” explains Christina McCrae, PhD, president of the SBSM. “When things seem overwhelming, commit to small behavior changes rather than taking on radical shifts in routine. The best way to start is through consistency.”

Getting up at the same time will help to reset your biological rhythms. The more predictable those are, the more easily your brain can help you to sleep well at night and function well during the day.

Make the bedroom all about sleep and only get in bed when sleepy.

This protects your bedroom for sleep. It also helps your brain to lose that habit of turning “on” as soon as you get into bed, because it will learn that the bed is place for sleep, a sleepy place, not a get-stuff-done place.

Limit screen time before bed.

The stimulation from your TV show or videogame might artificially override your brain’s sleepy cues.

Say “no” to work in the late evening. Unwind before bedtime.

Stretching, journaling, yoga, family time, or meditation can be great for unwinding before bed so the day’s stressors don’t follow you to it.

Increase daylight exposure and get outside early.

Believe it or not, sunlight is sleep’s best friend. More light exposure during the day helps to make your circadian rhythms robust, which helps you sleep better at night.

Put on pants. Go outside. Stay physically and socially active.

Not only will this give you a much-needed mood boost, it will also help to boost your circadian rhythms and give you more restful sleep at night.

This can be easier said than done. And sometimes, even following these recommendations may not be enough to solve your sleep concerns.

“If you are not good with self-management, or you have more severe sleep problems, see a behavioral sleep medicine specialist,” McCrae recommends.

These healthcare providers with specific expertise in sleep can conduct a more thorough assessment of your sleep problems and create a personalized treatment plan to improve your sleep and quality of life.

McCrae also stresses that seeking out professional help is crucial if you’re also experiencing serious mood issues, such as depression or suicidal thoughts. Awareness for when we’ve reached our personal limit is critical and seeking out professional help is a key next-step.

There Is Hope

Just like wearing a mask in public or getting vaccinated, we all benefit when ourselves and those around us are well-rested. Healthy sleep gives rise to safer workers, more effective educators, healthier children, and happier communities.

Promoting healthy sleep starts with the individual. That’s why we at the SBSM want to help you sleep well. Our website provides scientifically sound resources for many types of sleep problems, as well as an international directory of expert sleep therapists who are ready to help.

Together, let’s sleep our way to a healthier and more equitable 2021.

Earl C. Crew, PhD, is part of the behavioral health program, mental health care line at Michael E. DeBakey VA Medical Center, and assistant professor at Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. Kelly Baron, PhD, DBSM, is an associate professor in the Division of Public Health, Department of Family and Preventive Medicine at the University of Utah, Salt Lake, Utah. She is a clinical psychologist with specialty training in behavioral sleep medicine. In the clinic, she provides cognitive and behavioral treatment for insomnia, plus other sleep disorders including circadian disorders, problems using CPAP treatment in sleep apnea, nightmares, sleepwalking, and coping with disorders of excessive sleepiness such as narcolepsy. Christina McCrae, PhD, CBSM, is a professor in the Department of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at the University of Missouri where she directs the Mizzou Sleep Research Lab. She is a licensed psychologist who is board certified in behavioral sleep medicine through the American Board of Sleep Medicine. McCrae has been continuously funded by NIH since 2003. McCrae is currently serving) on various review panels (i.e., NIH, American Sleep Medicine Foundation). She is an associate editor for two journals, Behavioral Sleep Medicine and Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine. Skye Ochsner Margolies, PhD, DBSM, is clinical psychologist/assistant professor at UNC School of Medicine, Department of Anesthesiology in Chapel Hill, NC. Michael deSanctis, PhD, LP, ABPP, DBSM, is a clinical psychologist, in the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin, a published author, owner of Positive Sleep Journeys, PLLC, and has decades of experience teaching, offering community seminars on sleep, winter SAD and body clocks, and providing clinical service in the public and private sectors.

Photo 205063799 © Somwut Kamalastboocha – Dreamstime.com

from Sleep Review https://www.sleepreviewmag.com/sleep-treatments/behavioral-sleep-medicine/sbsm-year-plagued-by-sleeplessness/

from Elly Mackay - Feed https://www.ellymackay.com/2021/02/17/society-of-behavioral-sleep-medicine-reflects-on-a-year-plagued-by-sleeplessness/

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writinglionqueen · 4 years

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For the My King blurbs. Can we please get something on the Queen's recovery from being poisoned?? And what the King does to the bastard that did this? 💕

~Will the queen be ok? (sorry if this is a bit short, I don’t want these to be super long, but…if you ask about who in the dungeon knows and how the king will handle it….I’m sure I’ll make another part)~

The moment Drew arrived at Black’s cottage, in the middle of the woods, shrouded in the inky black of night, the carried you to the door in such a hurry. He banged on the door, hoping the man was in.

The door did open to reveal the man in question.

“What is this?” he asked as he looked to you in your king’s arms. You were growing number, your body shaking without control, but you were falling into the dark embrace of something you feared.

“I need your help?” Drew said urgently. Aleister knew not to question Drew before allowing the king to enter the home with you in his arms.

He moved to a bed in the living space.

“Lay her here,” he said in a calm voice. Drew did that, settling you as gently as he could. Black looked into your eyes before he watched you convulse and shake with whimpers.

“What was she given?” he asked the king.

“Wine…but it smelled musty. I think someone poisoned her with hemlock,” Drew said quickly. Aleister hummed as he checked your pulse. “Please help her,” Drew begged the man, holding an inkling of whimpering fear in his voice. Aleister gave a solemn nod.

“Zelina, get the tar and whisky,” Aleister called out. After a brief moment of waiting while Black’s wife retrieved what was needed and the man elevated your head, the woman appeared with a large bottle of amber liquid and a dish of black goop. The king watched as Zelina moved in close to her husband holding out the tar for the cultist to collect a good amount on his finger and place it into your mouth.

You couldn’t help but gag at the taste of the substance on your tongue…and it’s texture coating the entirety of your mouth. With a quiet growl, Aleister held your mouth closed, ensuring you wouldn’t spit out the fowl tasting mush before reopening your mouth to splash whisky onto your tongue. He gave you a good portion of whisky to drink down as much as you could. But you gargled a lot of it back up and it dribbled down the sides of your face.

You were having a hard time trying to swallow, a hard time trying to breath and you let out whimpers.

“Damn,” Aleister muttered as he as he moved to sit behind you, pushing you to sit up more to make it easier to swallow.

Zelina was quick to reach out, place her hand on your throat and rub her thumb down the column of your trachea.

With their help you were able to swallow the whisky. The burn didn’t affect you but you swear you could feel it warm the pit of your stomach.

Your eyes started to flutter close, though, as if sleep was trying to wrap you in a fast and warm embrace. Drew gasped and tried to reach for you, fearing the worst.

“It’s to be expected,” Aleister said, holding you as he watched your eyes close and you slumped against his body. He looked to the king. “She needs to rest.”

“What did you give her?” Drew asked, watching as Aleister moved away from you, settling you back down to lie on the bed.

“The tar is a mixture of various mushrooms, most with healing properties that draw out toxins, and is combined with burnt honey. The whisky is just to wash it down,” Aleister answered. “The tar should draw the poison out and into her stomach…she may throw it up later, though.”

“So…she’s alright?” he asked. “She’ll live?” Aleister looked to the king.

“If you had waited a few moments later….she might’ve not survived,” the cultist said. Drew let out a sigh of relief. “But….we do need to ensure she’s still not too far gone.” Drew looked to the Dutchman then to his wife.

“She’s not safe in the castle,” Drew said. “Not until I find the weasel who did this.” His anger flared within him, lighting him up with red, hot fury. He exhaled through flared nostrils though. He needed to remain cool, calm, and collected for his queen’s sake. “Do you know who did this?”

“No, my king, but I’ll have my men keep their eyes sharp and their ears open for any information they can find about this,” Alesiter said with a small bow of his head. The man looked to his wife. “Zel, send the Black Mass.” Zelina nodded as she went to the doorway of the cottage, adorning a black cloak. Drew understand that it meant she was acting as the messenger and finding those belonging to Black and Sanity. She left with a brisk walk in her step. “Have you checked those you keep in your dungeon, Your Majesty?” Drew looked back to the man.

“Why?” he asked.

“Rats like to hide in a spot they think is free of worthwhile and trustworthy people,” he answered. “Maybe those who are responsible started planning there.” Drew nodded, it made sense.

“I’ll check it out for myself,” he murmured as he went to your side, kneeling by the bedside to stroke your cheek while you slept off what just happened.

“Anyone you suspect of wanting to harm your queen…or you?” Aleister asked.

“My…advisor has been giving my queen…a different kind of attention as of late,” Drew said without looking to the man. “But…I don’t think he wants to harm her. Other than that…no. I have no idea who would’ve wanted to harm her.” Aleister said nothing for a moment.

“Nevertheless, I’ll have my men keep an eye on those who are close to you two. Baron included.”

“I trust your judgement,” Drew said quietly. “The Black Mass…is it an alert to your men?”

“Yes,” Aleister answered, shortly. “Anyone in the order will report to me with information they hear about someone planning a coup.” Drew nodded before leaning down to kiss your forehead. Drew whispered to you that he wanted you safe, he wanted you to be alright, that he loved his little queen.

With a small growl, he stood to his feet.

“I trust my queen in your care,” Drew murmured as he went to the door. Aleister bowed his head.

“I will watch over her, Your Highness,” the Dutchman pledged. Drew gave the man a nod before he left. He rode back to the castle on his horse. His next destination was the dungeon to see if anyone that was kept there had overheard anything.

Tag: @adriennegabriella @alwaysbenhardysgirl @amariemoore @andie01 @annoyingasian @artemisapalla316 @aspiringhorrorfilmmaker @balorstrowmanblackmurphy @baronsbelleevangeline @biforbecky2belts @blackmoonrising @burning-coco @calicina @calwitch @claymoreme @darlingambrose @dcnmarvelgamergeek @demonqueen29 @desstehhnee @drewmcintyreinarefereeoutfit @fireyegale @fivefootxo @flawlessglamazon @haharollins @hardcoresweet45 @homeorbust @i-have-saracasm @itsicantbelievethis666 @kalliravenne @king-drew-mcintyre @lilred91 @littledeadrottinghood @littlesuperstar @lolorockstar101boom @madamaholmes @madebypointlesswerewolves @meishaabae @meremaidqueen @moxleysbaby @moxley-unhinged @mox-made-me-do-it @moxtiel @neversatisfiedgirl @new-zealand-chic @nicolewoo @nothinginlifebutgreif @number1120 @ofbeornandbjorn @psychic-angus @queenofthearchitect @reigns420 @rollinsreginssupreme @rollynch-roman-empire @sassymox @sassyspacedust @savemeroman @scuzmunkie @shieldgirl18 @slytherinyourrpants @snowtroopergirl @softmoxymuffin @superrezzy00 @svnflowrs @taryn-dibiase @thatpanpal @the-beastslayers-queen @thehoundsofjustice @thewrestlingwarehouse @theworldofotps @trashofambrolleigns @twistedbeautifully @undeadspazzattack @unprettypeony @voidstrugh @wrestlersownmyheart @writing-reigns @writtingrose @xbreezymeadowsx @xladyxfatex @xprincessofthefallenangels @yaint-me @youcantreignonmyparade

#my king #my king series #blurb #blurb ask #ask blurb #ask #drew mcintyre #drew mcintyre x reader

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project-ohagi · 4 years

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Keiji Akaashi x Reader {Haikyuu!!}

The grace with which he had been blessed was astounding, even to his upperclassmen. You always searched for him in the onslaught during break and lunch, hoping against hope that he would gaze your way. His politeness and the blunt way he voiced his opinions were surely going to be your downfall; every time he opened his mouth, your heart began pounding in your chest, and all the blood in your system would surge to your ears and cheeks. The sound of blood swirling around your head almost drowned out your love's magnificent voice. Almost. Once, he caught you zoned-out, on cloud nine, and questioned the intensity of your blush. The handsome setter thought that perhaps you were ill and seeking medical attention. Afterwards, he seemed to make a routine of greeting you every morning, and on the off-chance you happened to meet in the hallways.

Although he never appeared too interested in physical contact, his friend was incredibly touchy-feely. It humoured you for a while, but gradually, the amusement was replaced with fury - that was your man, your gorgeous specimen, and no matter how close those two were, Bokuto was not getting Keiji. You dedicated an entire journal to learning and recording his habits, mannerisms, likes and dislikes, as well as any other helpful bits of information. You wanted to know everything.

Sitting behind him in class had its advantages, because he couldn't tell that you were writing about him, and from your angle, you could garner his mood from the movement of his upper body alone. You didn't need to be an expert at deciphering facial expressions. You were quickly becoming a master on the topic of Keiji Akaashi. Following him also worked in your favour - the way he stood (hands interlocked behind his back) was utterly adorable, so you started copying it. You would try out the things you knew he liked, and also considered joining the girls' volleyball team. However, that way there would be less chance of you seeing his matches up close.

You examined his character in more depth, exploring how he talked to, and acted around, his classmates and team mates. His closest confidante was indeed Bokuto, but you feared that striking up a conversation would lead to some weird places. He was such a loud, rambunctious individual, and you couldn't risk the exposure. Not when you were so near to completing your most daring, yet most exciting plan. It needed perfecting and executing, but that was now only a matter of days. Keiji was quiet, but certainly not shy. Heck, you weren't exactly sure he was capable of reading the mood, but all his little quirks combined to make him so incredibly endearing.

Your Romeo was far more special and charming than anyone else in your life, and you were prepared to go to some insane lengths to keep him caged. Ten foot tall iron bars, and an ivory roof would surely sedate him. He would look so handsome, so perfectly submissive, splayed out amongst your sheets. His hands would turn a hot white as he gripped them, trying to chain himself to reality. The poor thing wouldn't know what to do, lying and trembling beneath you. Nothing would be veiling his perfection from your eyes, so they could feast on what they saw, and it would satisfy them for life.

A sticky white liquid would dribble down his stomach, having been shot out a short while earlier, when your lips closed around his throbbing member, and sultry moans filled the room. Keiji's soft, haggard sounds would be music to your ears - a choir of angels, and your legs would further entrap him. Lining his member up with your aching hole, you would sheathe him inside, relishing in the sudden, pleasure-induced moan that escaped his lips. It would be throaty, in his lustful haze. Leaning forwards, you would forcefully press your lips together, coaxing his tongue out to play. At some point, he might gain control, turning the tide of dominance. Pinning you to the bed, perhaps he would will you to beg, to plead for his glorious sex. He might release you, or he could make you suffer. Maybe he would pull out, so that only the tip remained, or perhaps he would even deny your orgasm, as punishment for screwing with him. Would he do that?

Licking your lips, you imagined all the possibilities, ranging from soft sex to rough sex, to no sex at all. It was entirely plausible that, once he gained the upper hand, he would tie you against the bed, stranding you until morning, or whenever someone decided to walk in and found your naked, or semi-naked body, shaking from the cold, desiring nothing but Keiji Akaashi.

Then again, Fukurōdani would provide the best environment. Plus, it would be much easier to find and lure your prey in a place that he felt comfortable. You might be able to find a jump rope to tie his hands, and maybe the gymnasium's storeroom would be a good spot to launch an attack. However, first came the annoying part: removing Keiji's larger-than-life friend from the picture. You didn't really have to go to the extreme of killing him, but that was always a viable option. No, you could just get someone to help you take his attention off Keiji, and go home by himself. He was constantly hoarding your beloved, never letting you get too close. You could have even sworn he glared at you once, for attempting to limit the space between yourself and the setter. Regardless, he had to go, if only for a few hours.

You crossed your legs, well aware that you were growing too aroused, from your fantasies alone. The object of your (obsessive) affections tilted his head in concentration. You loved this, because it meant that he was working really hard. He was incredibly smart, but never boasted about his grades. You adored his humility. The temperature had risen significantly in the past few minutes, but you hadn't noticed, since you spaced out. However, the heat seemed to affect Keiji, as his blazer was draped gracefully over the back of his chair, and you could see the sweat rolling down his neck. In that moment, all remaining reason flooded out, and you had to stab your hand with a sharpened pencil, just to stop yourself from leaning in and lapping up the substance. Glancing at the clock, you realised that there were less than ten minutes left. You sighed in relief. Keiji's dark eyes flicked to the side, catching a glimpse of your flustered state. He would attest to being concerned. You were a classmate, after all.

He looked back towards the teacher, listening with one ear. The notes in his book were becoming more and more confusing - his focus was wavering, as he tried to disperse it between you and the lesson. He always appeared so cool, so collected, able to dish out the most brutally honest comments without batting an eye, but, a slight panic was building in his stomach. It twisted unnaturally, bringing him to the brink of nausea. Although, no-one would be able to tell, not even if they invaded his personal space, like Bokuto. The extraordinarily beautiful setter often noticed you staring, out of the corner of his eye, but he never said anything. You seemed quite timid, since you scarcely talked to anyone, so he didn't necessarily want to make you uncomfortable. However, while he thought that you kept your head down and got work done, you actually had a very different, very special reason for scribbling in your book, only sparing two or three glances towards the teacher.

Earlier, you had been in the process of writing out, and testing, various methods of torture/execution. You see, Keiji had a bad habit of being friendly around the girls at school. Well, he was an incredibly amiable person anyway, but, much like Aobajōsai's setter, he had a fanclub. They were absolutely obsessed with him.

Although, they could never love Keiji like you did.

Their president was a small-ish, brown-haired female, who compensated for her height by donning these ridiculous, strictly prohibited heels, which gave her a few more inches. She had a horrible, toxic sort of personality, and a smile that could wipe out an entire species. For her, you implemented a very special, very inhumane plan. One day, during lunch, you asked her (privately) about joining the Keiji Akaashi Fanclub. She was thrilled to have yet another member, and she entrusted you with all sorts of written documents, ready and waiting for your signature. The two of you had a clandestine meeting, because you wanted to 'show' her something. You shrugged off all her guesses. There was a spring in your step, and a happy giggle bubbling in your throat. In your bag, an iron contraption sat amongst your school supplies. After placing it (with much force) on her head, and twisting it violently, almost breaking the poor girl's jaw before the fun really started, you hauled her into the furnace.

She had been your first victim.

Proceeding her, were five more members of that detestable, and frankly annoying, club. When they were dealt with, you transitioned into Phase 2, which primarily involved the possible abduction, and definite enchantment, of your love: Keiji Akaashi. So now, you were in class, gazing dreamily at him, and wondering about your plan. It needed a touch more...flavour, so it would, unfortunately, have to wait. At least until tomorrow.

The bell rang, and freedom had never tasted so sweet. Thankfully, your chosen methods of extermination required minimal bloodshed, so nothing was visible on your clothes. Just as you packed away your items, and got out of your chair, a mildly concerned-looking Keiji blocked your view of the door. You recognised a slight imbalance in his stance, indicating that something was troubling him.

"(L/n)-san." He addressed, nonchalantly.

Your response was almost too quick. "Yes, Kei-Akaashi-kun?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "Did you need me for something? You're always staring. It can be confusing."

"Ah..." You guessed he stopped himself from saying 'annoying'. "I can tell you tomorrow, maybe?" You muttered, attempting to stall for time.

Shaking his head, he spoke, "Please tell me now."

This was happening far too suddenly, yet you weren't about to let this opportunity slide. "Um...well, I could tell you on the way back? We go the same way, if I remember correctly."

"Yes, we do. Let's go then." His fingers brushed past yours, causing your skin to prickle.

Right, cool. Just keep this momentum, and everything will go smoothly.

While walking, you spotted him fumbling with his fingers - something he did quite frequently. It wasn't really a sign of anxiety, but you found it adorable. His gunmetal blue eyes were fixated on the road ahead, and his lips had long since been sealed. You desperately needed to take action, otherwise, if your actual strategy did not work, you would completely fail. You couldn't let him go home, but it would seem really strange if you asked him to join you for a cup of tea, or something to that effect. Whilst you were pondering this dilemma, droplets of water dripped down on to your hair and clothes, thoroughly wetting both of you. Since your house was close, and you lived alone, this was the perfect opportunity to invite him inside. Silently, you thanked whatever god was out there, listening to your prayers.

The two of you hurried inside, grabbing some towels and shaking yourselves off. Your (e/c) eyes glimpsed his shirt, now transparent due to exposure to the rain. Gulping, you averted your gaze, attempting not to grow too aroused. Keiji looked around, seeing nothing he didn't expect. Your hallway was pretty barren, to be honest, because everything of personal value was compiled in your room. That is to say, you had lots of...helpful tools.

"Thank you. I figured it might rain, so I gave my umbrella to Bokuto-san." He nodded politely.

Sighing, you stated, "You do so much for him."

"He's our captain. If he loses his cheerful nature, he won't be as good in practise." He clarified, not seeming to understand why you suddenly sounded quite out-of-sorts.

I need some love too, y'know?

You smiled. "I get that. Sorry, I wasn't trying to offend you."

He followed your lead, walking slowly behind you. "It's alright. I should have brought another umbrella, so you didn't get wet."

"It was inevitable."

I'm always wet when you're around, Keiji.

"I apologise anyway." He bowed, halting his movements.

You stopped outside your bedroom door. "Then, how about you make it up to me?"

#akaashi keiji #keiji akaashi #akaashi #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu #yandere #bokuto koutaro #fukurodani #x reader #akaashi keiji x reader

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saint-of-los-angeles · 5 years

Text

Don’t Go Away Mad

WOW HERE IT IS, THE LONGEST FIC I HAVE DONE. This fic was done with a coauthor, the beautiful, wonderful, talented @merryy-go-round. I’m seriously like proud of this fic and I know she is too. THANK YOU GIRL, I LOVE YOU!!!

Summery: “Tommy was dying, this had to be what death felt like. There was no other way to describe the feeling of impending doom that he was being crushed under at hearing those words. Those horrible words, uttered from a total fucking stranger’s mouth. Nikki was dead, he was gone forever, he would never look into his green eyes again.”

Another take on Nikki’s overdose and the impact it has on Tommy.

Warnings: Drug use, Overdose, general sadness. But y’all know I dont do sad endings.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx/ Tommy Lee

TAGGING A FEW PEOPLE I THINK MAY LIKE. (If you dont want tagged, feel free to message and tell me, I wont be offended I swear) @malibubarbievince @tommyysixx @the--blackdahlia @stellalux-universe @devil-shouted @sixx-tommy-roger-john @motherfucker-oftheyear @jenerallymarvelous @fan-with-issues

After a grueling press release for their upcoming album, Tommy was fucking drained, and all he wanted to do was go home, to Nikki’s, and soak up the last bits of peace before their upcoming tour began. Tommy lived for the moments where he could have the older man all to himself, when he could take the time to just study the bassist’s face and bask in the fact that he was his. Although the deeper Nikki sunk into his love affair with his liquid mistress, the farther in between these moments became.

Tommy tried so, so hard not to dwell on it, to just be happy with the time he did get with Nikki. Something was better than nothing right? They would be out of there in just a matter of minutes, if Vince would just stop fucking talking for once, and Tommy would be able to spend his night catching up on some much needed alone time with Nikki.

They didn’t have anywhere that they had to be until after Christmas day. This means Tommy gets to spend three whole days with his boyfriend, uninterrupted, which was a rare fucking feat in the crazy lives they lived. Tommy wondered if he should have the driver make a detour to stop by Nikki’s favorite restaurant to brighten his mood. He was getting way too fucking skinny, these days. Or maybe they could go to that new music store that the older man had mentioned a few weeks ago, anything, really to put a smile on Nikki’s face was fucking worth it to Tommy, a smile that he had put there, as compared to the one he gets when he’s melting down his liquid gold in a dirty spoon.

As he was mentally constructing up the perfect evening in his head, he was snapped out of his daydreaming by a rather loud sigh that rolled out from between the bassist’s lips. Nikki looked beyond impatient, and beyond ready for this press conference to just fucking end already, and to everyone else, it may look like Nikki was just ready to finally relax and get some fucking rest. But Tommy wasn’t everyone else, and he felt the hope that he had in place for the ‘perfect night’ ahead of them extinguish like a match on a windy day.

Nikki could care less about getting out of here to spend time with Tommy, Nikki just wanted to get high.

Both men could feel the tension developing in their relationship around the time that the older man met his love affair in the form of heroin, and it was taking a toll on both of them. Before heroin, Tommy never really thought to worry about Nikki’s intake of illegal substances, because duh. Rockstars, remember?

Tommy had always previously seen the bassist as indestructible when it came to drugs. Nikki knew how to handle himself and had everything under perfect control, he had promised Tommy that he knew what he was doing and would never do anything to leave Tommy all alone. When Tommy thinks back to how fucking naive he was to think that anyone is above addiction, he has to laugh at himself. The drummer was always a little too optimistic, and maybe he still is.

Too optimistic about his relationship being perfectly normal, and healthy, and thinking things will work out on their own. Too optimistic, too stupid to realize that he has lost the Nikki that he fell so hard for, the Nikki that could look into his eyes and tell him he loved him more than anything and mean it. As much as Tommy knew he was living in a world of denial, he hoped that tonight, for just one night he could just close his eyes and pretend that he was still the most important thing in Nikki’s life.

Nikki had been visibly irritated throughout the entire conference and Tommy barely refrained from rolling his eyes at the sight of Nikki’s clenched jaw and bouncing leg. He knew that look, he had seen it too many times over the past few months. Nikki just wanted to get the fuck out of there, so he could shoot up, and what else was new?

What had started out as yet another recreational drug to add to the long fucking list of drugs that Crue did on a daily basis, had turned into something much more sinister for the bassist, and Tommy couldnt even put a pinpoint to the moment that the drug had stolen his boyfriend, the love of his life, away from him. Maybe it was easier to ignore the alarming amount of track marks, and the always present slur in the man’s voice than to face the fact that the man he loved more than anything was a fucking junkie, and on his way to an early grave.

Before heroin, Nikki could sit and listen to Tommy ramble for hours about drum fills, how annoying his hair was being that day, how much he missed his parents, anything really. He’d sit there and listen to Tommy with a smile on his face and this look in his eyes like there was absolutely nowhere else he’d rather be.

These days, however, Tommy found himself fighting to be the center of attention for more than just a few minutes. Nikki had found a new subject of affection, and from the looks of it, the bassist probably hasn’t shot up since before they got to the conference building, which was over 4 hours ago.

As the press conference finally came to a close, thanks for finally shutting up Vince, Tommy frowned as he studied his boyfriend a little more closely. He could see the sheen of sweat that coated Nikki’s face as the bassist stood and then turned to shoot him a quick, almost nervous glance. It was the look that Tommy had seen 100 times, it was nerves mixed with guilt and it always meant that Tommy wasn't going to like what Nikki had to say.

“Hey babe, I’m gonna head out. Slash invited me out to this thing and you said you wanted to go home and crash so...” He trailed off, shrugging his shoulders and avoiding eye contact at all cost. Tommy scoffed loudly causing Nikki to shoot him a surprised glance.

Tommy rarely objected to these things, knowing it was a losing battle anyway, and being too afraid to send the older man scattering away to a hiding spot that he would eventually die in, but something about Nikki’s tone, as if he expected Tommy to just be totally fine with being ditched had Tommy unable to bite his tongue this time.

“Yeah, as in go home and crash with you,” Tommy began as he stood, stepping in front of the exit to prevent the other man from leaving. “My boyfriend who hasn’t spoken more than ten sentences to me today. Seriously you can’t go one fucking night with choosing me over shooting that fucking poison into your neck, Nik?” Tommy’s sharp tone surprised even himself, as stared down into the slightly shorter man’s eyes.

All of the feelings of fear, frustration and anger that Tommy had been suppressing for months seemed to come to the surface and it surprised him as much as it surprised Nikki. The older man’s eyes reflected the hurt and confusion at his words, who then was shushing him when he noticed the stares from various bystanders who were still lingering around the large room.

Tommy continued speaking without bothering to lower his voice. “What Nikki? Don’t want everyone to think you’re some sort of junkie?” The words felt cruel coming out of his mouth and he almost instantly felt sick to his stomach saying the word “junkie” to Nikki, but he couldn’t back down now. He watched the other man still at his words and watched as his expression shifted from confused to pissed.

“You know what Tommy, fuck you. I don’t need your fucking permission. Just fuck off.” The bassist was sneering at Tommy as he twirled around to leave.

“Hey, we aren’t done with this!” Tommy started as he reached to grab Nikki’s shoulder to spin him around to face the drummer’s fiery eyes once again. Tommy was a little shocked over his own actions, where did this wave of anger come from? They had small arguments all the time, they were both passionate, headstrong people, but things never escalated to the point where things were unmendable. If Tommy stopped now things would go back to how they were, and they would just ignore that this ever happened. But no, fuck that, Tommy was upset, he had been for fucking months and he had held it in for as long as he could, and now that he had let a little out, he couldnt seem to reel in his emotions.

Nikki looked just as shocked as Tommy did, but underneath his bewildered expression at the treatment he was receiving from his usually happy and carefree boyfriend, was the desperation of an addict that just wanted to fucking shoot up already, and Tommy was preventing that.

“Yes we fucking are Tommy, I’m done with this conversation, Slash is waiting for me, I’ll see you later.” Tommy could hear the barely restrained anger bubbling under Nikki’s words and something about that irked him to no end. How dare Nikki be upset, when he’s the one leaving Tommy to go home alone for the thousandth fucking time, so that he can go inject some poison into his veins?

“Nikki, if you fucking leave, don’t expect me to be there when you get home.” The words felt foreign and WRONG on Tommy’s lips. Part of him wanted to immediately retract the statement and hug Nikki, because back when Nikki and him had first admitted their feelings, Nikki had admitted in a moment of pure trust and love that Tommy leaving him was always his worst fear. Tommy always promised him that nothing he could do would ever push him away. But Tommy was so angry, and above anything else, he was hurt that Nikki would put some amber liquid in a needle above him, who had always been there for him, even when the bassist was terrified of love and tried pushing him away.

"I swear if you leave then I am done with this shit. I can’t watch you do this anymore. You are killing yourself, you do realize that right? I mean, fuck Nikki, I don’t know if I would have fallen in love with you if you were this person when we met.”

Tommy watched as Nikki’s shocked expression turned into pure hurt for a split second, before morphing into the most venomous sneer Tommy had ever seen from Nikki. He knew before the words were out of his mouth that he had gone too far. Nikki had barely been controlling his anger before, but at the harsh words it was as if a switch was flipped.

His loving boyfriend was nowhere to be found. Tommy had never felt afraid of Nikki before, but the look of pure disbelief and fear mixed with anger and confusion was enough to scare him. Tommy could tell that Nikki had completely shut down at this point, and could see the tremors the man was succumbing to, whether it was from the need for drugs, or from holding back his anger, he didn’t know.

Tommy would prefer a punch straight to the face rather than see the pain that he caused on the elder’s features, it would be substantially less painful.

Even Mick, who had been sitting awkwardly on one of the plush couches that the pair had just been occupying even looked shocked at the explosion that seemed to come from nowhere.

Tommy was about to speak again, the overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret immediately replacing the feelings of anger. He was just hurt, and he wanted to just tell Nikki that, how he felt like sometimes he couldn’t fucking breathe when he thought about Nikki out there shooting up a substance that could end his life one day, but Nikki beat him to it.

“You know what, you’re right, Tom. I have changed, and maybe I’m tired of having a boyfriend who just bitches about everything I do instead of having any fucking fun. Thanks for the fucking reality check, babe.” Nikki all but ground out with eyes hardening more and more, the more he spoke. “If you’ll excuse me, I have important business to tend to. You know how us junkies are.” Tommy could barely hear the crack in the older man’s voice that caused his heart to ache, and all he wanted to do was just take it back.

Before Tommy could get his mouth to connect with his brain Nikki was already storming off in the direction of the exit. Using his shoulder to push past the stunned drummer, roughly jolting him to the side.

Mick stared in silence at the youngest member of the band, when Vince decided that he finally wanted to grace the rest of them with his presence, all smiles as he bounded over to Tommy, throwing a casual arm around his shoulder. “Guess we can ditch this place, yeah? Dude, where’s Nikki?”

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After a quiet explanation of the bassist’s whereabouts, Tommy allowed himself to be drug along to Vince’s favorite strip club, and honestly he was grateful for the distraction. He had never been so appreciative of Mick’s non-prying nature and Vince’s absolute inability to worry about anything that doesn’t directly affect his life. If he had gone to his empty apartment he was sure he would be driven mad by the constant replay of the look of betrayal and hurt on Nikki’s face in his mind. So here he sits with his fifth- no sixth?- whiskey sour and he wants more than anything to press rewind and take everything back.

Now that he had calmed down and had time to process what the fuck had happened, and the words exchanged, he was left with such intense feelings of self loathing that he was sure that he would collapse under the pressure if not for the barstool he was currently sat on. Why did he snap at Nikki like that?

Despite Nikki’s shitty attitude and distant nature lately, he knew deep down that Nikki was really sick, and he had always been bad at expressing love in relationships, why should this relationship be any different? Tommy wanted to help Nikki through his issues, not make them worse.

Tommy had already started making plans to apologize to Nikki as soon as possible when his world suddenly changed forever. He didn’t process the words when he heard them, he just blankly looked up to stare at these three dudes talking amongst themselves, arms waving dramatically in what appeared to be disbelief.

“Dude, did you hear?”

“Nikki Sixx overdosed on smack dude, he was hanging out with Slash from Guns and Roses, he’s the one who found him.”

“Shut up”

“I swear, dude, so long Motley Crue, huh? Fucking sucks, I loved them.”

No.

Nikki didn’t overdose, not even in Tommy’s worst fucking nightmares did Nikki overdose. Nikki swore he’d never leave him, swore he had it under control. How the fuck did these guys know Nikki was with Slash tonight? This wasn’t true, this couldn’t be fucking true, but everything in Tommy’s gut was telling him it was.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the FUCK?

Tommy was dying, this had to be what death felt like. There was no other way to describe the feeling of impending doom that he was being crushed under at hearing those words. Those horrible words, uttered from a total fucking stranger’s mouth. Nikki was dead, he was gone forever, he would never look into his green eyes again, and what was the last thing that Tommy had even said to Nikki? It sure as hell wasn’t ‘I love you’ or anything that would have told the bassist that he was Tommy’s entire universe, because he was goddamnit.

No, his last words were spoken in rage and Tommy didn’t think he could handle this much, he was choking, he was dying, but death would be preferable at this point, because his options were either die, or live a life without Nikki.

Not even feeling or acknowledging the tears on his cheeks that fell from his puffy eyes, Tommy brought a hand up and put it over his chest, feeling his heart pump pump pumping under his fingertips and let out what could only be described as a primal wail.

He willed his heart to fall still under his fingers because nothing could be worse than this, nothing could be worse than this raw, gnawing pain that seemed to start in his chest and overtake his whole being. He could feel Vince’s hand on his shoulder, but the touch of comfort only burned him. He didn’t want the comfort, he didn’t want to feel comfort in a world where Nikki no longer existed.

Vince was definitely yelling his name now, lightly smacking his cheek in a sorry attempt to get him to snap out of the trance he had fallen in, but Tommy felt like he was underwater. Everything was coming out muffled, his ears felt stuffed full and most of all he felt like he was drowning, suffocating under the weight of the information he had just learned from these total fucking strangers.

Tommy forced himself to make eye contact with his lead singer, taking in the unshed tears in the blonde’s eyes that were overflowing with a mixture of grief for his late bandmate, and overwhelming concern for the one he left behind.

He wanted to talk to Vince, to lie and tell him that he was okay but he needed to go process this information alone, but he just couldn't bring his brain to form a coherent lie. He opened his mouth to speak, and all that came out were strangled sobs as he reached up to grab fistfuls of his own hair, tugging on the dark locks out of pure desperation. He felt Vince’s hands under his armpits, and he realized he must have been falling at some point, struggling to keep his own feet underneath him, but it was like all his body even knew how to do in this moment was cry.

“Tommy- Jesus Christ man- I don’t- I’m so fucking sorry- I…” Vince looked absolutely lost, completely unsure what to say, and wrecked if Tommy was being honest, and despite really wanting to comfort his friend of so many years, because Vince had lost Nikki too, Tommy did the only thing he physically could at the moment- he told Vince the truth.

“I- I wish I was fucking dead too, Vin- I can’t…”

Tommy regretted allowing that feeling to slip past his lips immediately as he looked into the widening eyes of his frontman, and as Vince opened his lips to respond, Tommy was turning and sprinting out of the club, shoving past anyone in his way. He could vaguely hear Vince yelling his name behind him and the fading sound of Vince’s boots pounding behind him.

Tommy was gratefu thatl the adrenaline and his longer legs could get him the fuck out of there, away from Vince’s worried eyes, away from those strangers who knew that his boyfriend was dead before he even did, and away from that nightmare of a club.

He knew he’d never be able to step foot in that place ever again.

—-

Tommy wasn’t sure how he even made it to Nikki’s house, honestly. Everything leading up to this moment was a blur in time, making Tommy question how long it had even been since he heard the devastating news.

Not that it mattered, time had no meaning to the drummer anymore.

Raising his hand to knock on the door, the younger man stopped himself and let out a sob at the realization that there was no fucking point in knocking. No one lived here anymore.

So Tommy took out his spare key instead, the metal seemingly burning in his hands as he opened the door to the house he had entered so many times, but now that would never be the same.

There would be no more late night conversations in this house, no more early morning make out sessions- morning breath and all. No more hiding out in Nikki’s music room, writing lyrics and banging out drum fills until the sun rose through the tall windows of Nikki’s second story. No more pathetic attempts at surprising Nikki with brunch- only to set off every single fire alarm the bassist had in the house. No more smiling, no more laughter, no more making love.

Not in this house and not anywhere in the drummer’s life, ever again.

Tears were giving way to anger at this point. Anger at himself for not just flushing all of Nikki’s shit, anger at Nikki for not just coming home with him tonight, and anger at the universe for taking the best thing in Tommy’s life and keeping it somewhere where he would never be able to reach.

That anger needed an outlet, and that outlet came in the form of absolutely destroying anything that the drummer could get his hands on. Everything pissed him off to look at. Everything in this house was just a horrible reminder of what he had lost and in that moment, Tommy wanted everything to feel just as wrecked as he did.

Ignoring the sting in his hands as he threw various vases, records, and other breakable objects against the walls, Tommy was oblivious to the tears that flowed from his eyes as his fist made contact with the TV screen and his foot kicked a sizable hole in his late boyfriend’s drywall.

Tommy’s chest was heaving with the struggle to take in air as he knelt on the floor in the wreckage he had created. Nikki’s place was unrecognizable, and he could feel his knees stinging from the sharp prick of the broken glass he was kneeling in- and where the fuck did that come from, anyway?

Tommy could finally see the scene around him, as his body had run out of tears. The tears had dried up, his body had no more to give, but the sobs remained, choking him in a vice like grip around his throat, and all Tommy could think was he wished that these sobs could actually choke him to death, so he could see Nikki and tell him that he loved him, and that he didn’t mean a goddamn word he said when they had all those stupid fucking fights.

As Tommy continued to survey the scene around him, he noticed a baggie poking out from underneath Nikki’s couch, and he knew instantly what that baggie contained.

Heroin was never his drug of choice, he preferred the euphoric burst of energy and unbridled emotions that cocaine gave him. Tommy loved feeling emotions, everything he felt, he felt in excess, it had always been that way, so the synthetic effects of cocaine on his emotions were always a good time to the drummer.

At first, Tommy could feel nothing but all encompassing anger surging through his veins the longer he looked at the corner of that baggie, because that evil shit took his Nikki away, but the more Tommy thought about it, the more he realized that Nikki took those drugs because they numbed him, and there was nothing on this Earth that Tommy wanted more than for this pain to go away.

It was as if his body was on autopilot, and he was now standing with the small bag clenched in his fist, relishing in the sting of his fingernails digging into his palm. He shuddered as his choking sobs dwindled down to hiccups. What was the point of life without Nikki anyways? How the fuck would he ever feel joy again after this night? Tommy just wanted for everything to just stop.

Tommy had only done this devil drug once before, the curiosity surrounding the drug turned into an impulse decision one late night a few months prior, in this very house, with the very man he was mourning.

Tommy was laying on Nikki’s bed, watching as the bassist started to nod off from the drugs injected only moments ago. Tommy frowned at the sight of the bloody needle now laying loosely in the man’s open fist, the object mesmerized the drummer. That tiny object brought his boyfriend so much pleasure, he was almost jealous.

“What does it feel like?” The younger man asked, not for the first time. He was always curious, the euphoric look on Nikki’s face after shooting up had always seemed to outdo any other drug that he subjected himself to, and Tommy just wanted to know what the hype was about.

“You wanna find out?” Nikki had murmured back, his response slightly delayed as his cloudy mind processed the other man’s words. Even in his hazy state, it took the bassist by surprise when Tommy stated that he did, in fact, want to shoot up.

Tommy didn’t remember much from that night aside from Nikki’s still hands calming his shaking arm, nerve’s wracking his lanky frame as the older man plunged the liquid poison into his veins.

He also remembered Nikki’s hands rubbing up and down his back, holding his hair back, and Nikki’s voice soothing him as he emptied his stomach into the toilet for what must have been the 5th time that night.

After that night Tommy had sworn to never use heroin again. He didn’t like the nausea or the feeling of being numb. He didn’t understand why Nikki would ever want to feel so empty all of the time, but right now, it seemed like Tommy’s only way out of this nightmare.

With shaking hands Tommy moved to the closet where he knew Nikkis kept his rigs and clean needles. With a pang in his chest he wondered if he should have fought harder to stop his boyfriend from destroying himself, if as angry as he had been with Nikki this whole time, if this was actually his fault all along. If he could have saved the bassist from himself after all, if he had just flushed his shit and forced him into rehab.

The thought of that was too painful to bear.

Having watched Nikki do this so many times Tommy felt almost proud of himself in a sick way for knowing exactly how to do this. Taking the now prepared syringe over to Nikki’s well worn in couch he sat on the floor with his back resting against the couch, and took a deep breath. A quick, borderline hysterical laugh escaped his lips as he realized he was really going to do this.

He was such a fucking hypocrite.

For the first time in his life, Tommy relished in the pain that came from prick of the needle instead of cringing away from it, because it was the first time since hearing the news that Tommy felt anything besides the pain of losing Nikki.

As he pushed the plunger down Tommy relished in the warm escape, taking note of the lack of nausea he felt this time.

‘Hey maybe Nikki was right, it does go away.’ Tommy’s hand fell away loosely and his head lolled forward as the drugs coursed through his veins, and he felt his overwhelming emotional pain ebb away into an undeniable bliss.

The last coherent thought that Tommy had before succumbing to the warm darkness around him was of piercing green eyes and long black hair.

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Nikki’s first thoughts upon waking up in the hospital were of Tommy. Of course they were, he loved that boy, and he had said horrible fucking things to him, he missed him, he needed him.

He felt alone for the first time since Tommy and he had made themselves official.

He didn’t focus on anything the doctors were saying, didn’t listen to their cries of protest as he ripped out his IV, feeling the blood dripping down to his wrist for the second time that day, to shove his way out of the hospital doors before anyone could keep him longer, preventing him from seeing the only thing that could really heal him at the moment. He wanted, no needed, to see Tommy to explain for himself what had happened, that it had been an accident, he never meant to leave him. He couldn’t imagine if the roles were reversed, and he was under the impression that the love of his life had died without him and with a needle in his arm.

The thought made him sick.

His first thought was to go straight to Tommy’s place, but when he arrived, his heart dropped when he saw that the other man’s car was nowhere to be found. Shaking his head in defeat, he used his key to enter anyway, disappointed but not surprised when he found the apartment empty and dark. Rushing into the kitchen, he picked up Tommy’s phone and dialed his own phone number, slamming the phone down in frustration when he hit his own voicemail.

Nikki took a deep breath and dialed Vince’s number, hoping that the singer might know the whereabouts of his missing boyfriend.

Tommy didn’t know it, but Nikki had asked Vince several times in rare moments of drunken vulnerability to always watch after Tommy if he couldn't, and he prayed that the singer had held up his promise that he would.

“Tommy! Jesus fuck, man, thank god you’re okay.” That was not what Nikki had hoped to hear, and the crack in Vince’s intensely relieved voice did nothing to sooth the burning pit in his stomach when he learned that no- Tommy wasn’t with Vince, and he seemed pretty fucking worried about the drummer.

“Listen, Tommy, it was a big fucking misunderstanding. Just stay there and I’m gonna come over there right now and we can go to the hospital-” Nikki couldn't listen to anymore of this, and cut the other man off before he could continue.

“Wait up, Vince, it’s me.” Shocked silence met Nikki’s ear in reply, and god dammit Vince, you choose now to shut up?

“It’s Nikki, Vin. I’m trying to find Tommy, where the fuck is he? Why wouldn’t he be okay?” The bassist could hear the desperation in his own voice as he spoke, and willed Vince to open his fucking mouth because one more minute of not knowing where his scared, hurting boyfriend was was probably going to kill him and-

“Nikki? Oh god, you fucking idiot, it’s so good to hear your voice. I don't know what to do, Nik, Tommy lost his shit on me when he heard you were dead, and has been missing ever since. I’ve never seen him like that, he kept talking all this nonsense about wanting to die too, he ran and he was too fucking fast that long legged motherfucker-” Nikki slammed the phone down back onto it’s base not even bothering to respond as sprinted out the front door and hailed the first taxi that came by, spewing out the address to his home in Van Nuys. He hoped that he would find Tommy at the place that held the majority of their memories.

He also hoped he didn’t fucking puke on the way there, because the thought of Tommy running away after finding out his boyfriend was dead and talking about wanting to join him made Nikki’s stomach lurch more than his own overdose ever could.

Upon arriving at his house, he knew that something was off when he noticed that his front door was unlocked. Now on high alert he walked slowly through the threshold and paused, shocked at the sight in front of him.

The house was absolutely trashed. Not in a ‘party that got too out of hand’ way though, no this was done with intent. Before he could dwell too much on the state of his place he noticed a figure on his couch and the image before him would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Nikki swore his heart stopped for the second time that day upon seeing his boyfriend slumped against the couch, needle sticking out of his arm with blood dried all the way down to his wrist, looking all but dead with his skin a shade paler than normal, and his dark hair falling in front of his face.

Nikki wanted to move, wanted to go shake shake shake Tommy until he woke up, until he saw those beautiful brown eyes that he never failed to get lost in, but his feet were glued to the floor.

This was his fucking fault.

He chose to blow the love of his fucking life off for fucking heroin, continued to do so for fucking months, got himself killed, and wouldn’t it be so fucking ironic if Nikki was given a second chance at life, only to find Tommy dead from a drug overdose?

It was like the universe knew that the only thing worse to Nikki than being dead, is not having Tommy, and it wasn’t hesitating to throw that terrifying piece of information right into Nikki’s face.

Begging his feet to move, his body finally listened to his brain as he stumbled towards Tommy, falling forward onto his hands and knees to crawl himself towards the drummer, fear still knotting up his gut.

His fingers itched to touch Tommy, to move the hair out of his face, feel his neck for a pulse, do something, ANYTHING. It took his mind a few seconds to convince his body to move, and Nikki sobbed in relief when his fingertips came into contact with a warm, very much alive cheek.

Suddenly feeling as if he had control of his body again, Nikki was pulling the needle out of his boyfriend's arm gently, as if moving too quickly could harm the drummer despite his unconscious state. Looking at the drummer's slack face had hot, fat tears running down the older man's face for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Pulling Tommy into his arms, feeling the familiar weight that he had held in his embrace for so many nights was almost too much for Nikki. His own trauma that he had endured that night, as well as looking at the pain that he had caused the love of his life made holding tears in impossible. He made no effort to hold back his sobs as he sniffled, and felt concern bubble up when Tommy let out no acknowledgment of his presence other than a soft grunt that could have easily been missed if the bassist hadn't been so hyper aware of everything involving his boyfriend at the moment.

Tommy hated smack, Nikki knew that. He didn't like the way smack made him feel and he didn't like that it took Nikki away from him, and the needle laying a few feet away where Nikki had tossed it and the blood staining Tommy's arm was a horrible reminder that he did this to Tommy.

Nikki knew he should move Tommy off of the filthy ground, get him out of this mess of debris and broken glass, but for the moment he was just going to hold him, and bury his face in his hair to dry the tears off of his cheeks. Inhaling with a small smile at the pleasant smell that wafted from the drummer’s hair, Nikki pushed his face a little deeper into it to try to get more, as if the smell could take away the absolute shitshow that was going on around him.

Tommy had just gotten a new shampoo recently, and Nikki remembered how much Tommy's eyes had lit up when Nikki commented on it, as if he couldn't believe that the bassist had noticed. Which was fair, considering he barely noticed anything other than when his smack supply was getting low these days.

So Nikki sat there, holding his boyfriend and praying- yes praying- that wherever Tommy was in his heroin induced haze he knew that he wasn't alone.

That Nikki was here, he didn't leave him all alone.

That despite Nikki's harsh words and distant attitude lately, he fucking loved him, and he was so, so sorry. As he sat there holding the younger boy, he finally had the chance to survey the destruction around them. He couldn’t picture his loving and kind Tommy possessing enough anger to cause this big of a mess. His eyes widened as he noticed that among the shattered whiskey bottles and- jesus, was that his record collection?- sat the collection of, now broken, awards that Motley had won over the years.

Could Tommy really love Nikki so much that the news of his ‘death’ could cause this much of a reaction?

Reaching down to cup the drummers lax face in his hand Nikki felt his tears return as he realized that his death would have an effect on his sweet boy. This had to end, because while Nikki could live with killing himself, at least this version of himself, he knew there was no part of him in this life or the afterlife that could live with killing Tommy.

As badly as Nikki’s fingers itched to go find whatever smack he had left in the house and shoot it to bury this overwhelming guilt at seeing his boyfriend passed out from a drug he despised in the middle of all this wreckage, instead Nikki was standing, picking up his lover’s lank form in his arms to make his way up the stairs to his bedroom.

Carrying Tommy proved to be harder than anticipated because despite the drummer’s naturally skinny form, Nikki’s own body had gotten dangerously thin these days due to his diet which consisted entirely of drugs.

Nevertheless, Nikki made it up the stairs on sheer willpower alone- he was NOT letting Tommy sleep in that fucking wreckage. Laying Tommy on top of the covers as gently as he could, supporting his boyfriend’s lulling head, Nikki wanted to cry at just how much Tommy looked like he was just sleeping.

So peaceful. But of course he was peaceful. Tommy was in a world where his boyfriend was alive, hadn’t overdosed on heroin, hadn’t selfishly chose drugs over someone he claimed to love every single fucking day.

Nikki lay down beside Tommy, gently rolling Tommy over so he could spoon him from behind, holding him tightly to his chest just like he did every night when he slept.

Nikki let his tears fall, hoping and praying that when Tommy woke up, he would recognize the familiarity of their position, and recognize the arms that held him like this.

Nikki pressed a kiss into Tommy’s hair on the back of his head, trying desperatly to keep his tired eyelids open as he listened to his boyfriend’s breathing, wondering how the fuck he was going to fix this, how he was going to remedy this situation when he didn’t even deserve Tommy in the first place.

——-

When Tommy’s eyes blearily opened hours later, the first thing that registered was- fuck his head hurt. The second thing that registered was the flood of overwhelming emotions and the sting of hot tears when he remembered the events of the previous night. The third thing that registered that he was in Nikki’s bed and someone was behind him, holding on for dear life- but wait- he knew those arms and it couldn't be true-

Turning over in the tight hold the older man had on him, Tommy felt lightheaded as his eyes met the shimmering green ones that he had been chasing in his split second decision to shoot up Nikki’s remaining stash.

Nikki looked horrible, he was covered in a sheen of sweat that Tommy very clearly recognized as the withdrawal sweats, and his eyes were bloodshot from what looked like a combination of exhaustion and tears.

“I’m dead”. Tommy croaked out, because that was the only reasonable explanation. This had to be heaven, but fuck, who let heaven give him such a bad fucking migraine? Or maybe it was hell, and they let him wake up in Nikki’s arms, only to drag him away later. Tommy didn’t think he could survive that though, even in hell.

An appropriate punishment though, for allowing his boyfriend to die thinking Tommy didn’t want him around anymore.

Tommy watched Nikki’s face contort with the most pained expression he had ever seen from the bassist, and his breath caught when Nikki shook his head.

“You’re not dead, baby boy, and neither am I.”

Tommy couldn't speak, so he settled for just staring into Nikki’s eyes. His beautiful green eyes, that were always Tommy’s favorite part of Nikki. They looked so real and so alive, but Tommy was afraid to believe.

“They brought me back baby, the EMT’s brought me back. I’m… I’m so fucking sorry.”

From there it was all fists clenched into T-shirt’s, tears soaking into hair, sobs getting lost into shoulders and hurried kisses pressed against heated skin.

“This won’t happen again baby.. You.. you mean so much more to me than anything, Tommy, anything, and I swear I’m getting off of this shit for you.”

“I didn’t mean it Nik, not a goddamn fucking word-“

“Stop baby, you don't have to explain, I know. It was all me, I was an asshole, I put the thing that was gonna fucking kill me above the thing trying to save me, and I’m so sorry, I swear to fucking god Tommy, never again.”

Tommy pulled his head out of its hiding spot in Nikki’s shoulder, and one look at the bassist’s teary, but determined face let Tommy know that yeah, Nikki meant it. He was so used to Nikki’s lying face by now, the face he gets when he just tells Tommy what he wants to hear, and this isn’t it.

So Tommy thumbed away his boyfriend’s tears, feeling his own slip down his face as he pressed a desperate, longing kiss to Nikki’s lips, smiling as he felt them tremble as they pushed back with just as much desperation.

And just like that, Tommy could breathe again.

#nikki sixx x tommy lee #tommy lee x nikki sixx #tommy/nikki #Terrorcest

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wisdomrays · 4 years

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TFAKKUR: Part 38

Your Lungs

First, lean back and let me expand, so that I can take in more air. The more air I take in, the easier your brain works and the better you’ll understand what I’m telling you. Irrelevant? Not at all! Every organ in your body has relevance to everything, to the entire cosmos. Your brain needs sugar to work, and you need oxygen in order to burn this sugar and provide your neurons with energy. As I happen to be the organ that takes oxygen from the air and helps it to be transferred into your blood, I will tell you about myself. As a matter of fact, talking about oneself is usually a sign of being self-conceited, but my case is rather different; I actually wish to make you reflect on how perfectly I’ve been created.

I am placed inside your chest cavity as two air sacks-or bellows-surrounded by your muscles. I took my first breath right after birth and I still keep working non-stop. Even while you are sleeping, I fulfill my function with the automatic command I receive from the respiratory center at the back of your brain. My close friend Heart started working even before me while you were in the womb. I was resting then; actually I hadn’t even formed fully. As all your needs like food and oxygen were met in the body of your mother-whose heart you occasionally break-I didn’t have to make extra effort to get air, being filled and emptied. Even if I had attempted to do so, I would have had no chance of succeeding; since you were contained in the amniotic fluid, an attempt to breathe could have caused you to drown.

The first breath I take after birth is critical and rather difficult, since the windpipe is still much narrower than normal. On the other hand, the number of my alveoli where oxygen exchange with the capillaries is realized is so high in relation to body size that it balances the situation. When I make my first move and fill with air, I put pressure on the arteries and veins. Then the vessel directly connecting my artery to my mother’s aorta is dismissed, the curtain between the valves is closed and the blood circulations are separated. If this curtain is not properly closed and a gap remains in between, the oxygen-rich blood and the used-up blood mix and result in the disease known as cyanosis-or “blue baby” syndrome. As these two kinds of blood mix, the tissues are not supplied with sufficient oxygen and the white parts of the skin and eyes assume a bluish appearance.

Turning blue-purple due to lack of oxygen in the tissues is the same for smokers. Cigarettes-my archenemy-contain hundreds of toxic substances, such as carbon monoxide, which combine with the hemoglobin in blood and prevent oxygen transfer. Therefore, the lips of smokers turn slightly purple. You need to be careful with the air you inhale. The windpipe which brings air into me is covered with a ciliated epithelial tissue which catches the dust brought along and sweeps it outside. While you are asleep, the vibrating cilia of this sweeper work throughout the night and in the morning you get rid of the outcome of their propulsion by clearing your throat. However, every draw of a smoker kills 800–1,000 of our ciliated epithelial cells. After some time, they become unable to sweep the toxins (carbon, sulfur, lead, etc) inhaled with the air. I can’t stand it anymore! The increased air pollution is already putting enough strain on us… this habit is just too much for a lung to handle! It is just… an open invitation for cancer! Sorry, Peter, I didn’t mean to be rude. I appreciate that you don’t smoke, but I wish those who do would realize how splendid a mechanism they are destroying.

Now let me tell you about what a work of art I am. As you also know, art in a structure becomes more meaningful with functionality. As is the case with my other friends with which I work in your body, I am perfectly made to fulfill my duty. In other words, never mind forming an organ like me as a consequence of molecules and cells accidentally coming together, even a single protein molecule in my structure does not come to existence through unconscious causes.

With every breath you take, the pressure of the oxygen within the air inhaled rises, so it passes through my membranes by diffusion and into the adjacent capillaries; there it combines with hemoglobin molecules. At the same time, the carbon dioxide passes through the same membranes into me, and I dispose of it. Both of these are easier said than done! You breathe 13–14 times a minute and the whole thing is repeated over and over. As I keep expanding and contracting during breathing, which you are unaware of most of the time, first of all I need to be very flexible. Together with this flexibility, my most important quality is having the largest possible surface area within the smallest volume. My surface area of around 100m2 (as large as a tennis court) is made to fit into your chest cavity in the form of thin membranes so that my large surface allows gas diffusion. These membranes need to be kept wet; a special fluid is secreted as a precaution and respiration is realized smoothly. Without this fluid, my membranes would just stick together, unable to carry out their duty.

You can compare the course of the air inhaled to that of a car passing from a highway onto increasingly smaller roads and in the end reaching a dead end in the small sacks named alveoli. The air coming in through the mouth and nose unites at the expressway named the trachea, or the windpipe, which is 15cm long and 2–3cm in diameter. Incidentally, I have a couple of things to tell you about the way you breathe. As a matter of fact, inhaling is the duty of the nose. I’m sure it also has a lot to say as well, but let me just mention a simple fact about it. Now, you should inhale through your nose, so that the air you take in gets warm, wet, and is cleaned from dust. If you try to breathe this way, you do not trouble me much, and reduce the risk of catching a cold or an infection of upper respiratory system. Inhaling through the mouth helps dust and germs get into me and you might contract various illnesses from bronchitis to pneumonia. Now you know why kids who have adenoids who sleep with their mouth open get ill so easily. Sorry, I couldn’t help speaking on behalf on the nose.

Well, what were we talking about before that? Oh yes! The ways through which the inhaled air passes. As the name suggests, the windpipe which makes the air reach me is a cylindrical tube surrounded by 16–20 cartilaginous rings. As it is placed beside the esophagus, one side of the rings is made of soft cartilaginous tissue instead of hard, so that they don’t hinder swallowing. The muscular tissue near these rings helps them widen and narrow during respiration or coughing. I sometimes warn you by making you cough. Maybe it seems to be a disturbance, but if I don’t push out air by coughing through the contracted windpipe, contaminants can clog me up and cause you to suffocate. Therefore, the burst of air-what you call a cough-is a great blessing to you.

The sound system at the tip of the windpipe is another wonder. The used air I send out vibrates the cords in that voice-box and produces such melodies, gives voice to such speech! The air divides into the two lungs. My two sides are not symmetrical; the one on the right is divided into three, and the one on the left into two. I think this was meant to make room for the neighbor on the left, the heart. In addition, if there’s any cancer growth in me, the diseased part can be taken out by an operation and I can keep on functioning. God knows the wisdom behind this form. After that, these main bronchi separate into 8–10 thinner branches, like highways connecting to narrower roads. This branching resembles a tree turned upside down. At the tips of these thin branches are the respiratory bronchioles resembling clusters of grapes. The small spheres which make up the cluster are the end of the road and are the most vital parts. These spheres named alveoli are made of very thin membrane and they are surrounded by a net of capillaries (picture 5). These are the functional spots where gas exchange is realized.

I hang in the thorax with veins and arteries all around. There are two layers of protective membrane over me. One of them is stuck on me, whereas the other is stuck on the ribs which form the chest cavity. There is a fine and slippery fluid in between these two layers and it neutralizes the friction every time I inflate and deflate. If it hadn’t been placed there, I would wear out and be damaged. As I inflate during inhalation, the chest cavity should expand simultaneously to make space for me. If it weren’t given a flexible form, I would fail to breathe and you would eventually die. Fortunately, the protective set of ribs and their connection with the spine are flexible enough to make me work comfortably. In addition, the dome-shaped muscular partition (diaphragm) separating the thorax from the abdomen contracts and pushes down the organs in the abdomen. Thanks to the simultaneously programmed movement of both the ribs and the diaphragm I inflate with air and expand.

Being in constant contact with the outer environment makes me susceptible to various diseases. Coughing is among the foremost signals I give in the case of disease, and sometimes-excuse me-I produce a mixture of blood and phlegm. Also, I may have difficulty in breathing and warn you with chest pain. You should be alert to my signals. If bacteria and viruses infect me, they might reproduce inside my air sacs, and cause stiffening and suppuration.

I am particularly sensitive to allergic disorders. When the straight muscles on the walls of my bronchi contact an alien substance, pollens for instance, the consequent histamine secretion makes my muscles contract. In addition, allergic diseases, which can affect blood vessels, affect me a lot since I happen to be one of the major organs contributing to blood circulation. As a result of the contraction of my bronchial muscles and difficulty in disposing of the mucus I secrete to defend myself, I have trouble with breathing-you call it asthma.

In addition to this, we can mention diseases like emphysema, acute or chronic bronchitis as problems I frequently face. Even your anger has a great impact on me. Breathing becomes more difficult immediately.

I’m sorry, it is not possible to summarize a work of art like me within a few pages, but I need to stop now… but please, keep away from polluted areas and cigarette smoke! Send me as much fresh air as you can. And even though you mostly take me for granted, like my other teammates, please reflect upon what a blessing I am.

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ranger-report · 4 years

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Thoughts On: HEXEN: BEYOND HERETIC

In 1995, less than a year after the release of Heretic (which I talked about here), Raven Software unleashed a masterpiece upon the first person shooter landscape. Titled Hexen: Beyond Heretic, the game featured radical new features for the id tech 1 engine, including scripted events (such as monster falling through the ceiling to ambush the player), hub level design, CD music, and moving walls. But what it really brought to the table was an unrelenting difficulty and obtuse puzzle system revolving around the discovery of multiple switches throughout a central hub to open the path to the next world. Combined with a pseudo-RPG character class feature, beautiful sprite work, and a rich atmosphere to explore, Hexen introduced concepts and mechanics that influence FPS games to this day, overshadowed only by the release of Quake the following year.

YouTuber GmanLives produced a video on Hexen calling it, “The Dark Souls of FPS Games,” and that's really not far off the mark. Hexen is oppressive. It's brutal. It's actively trying to prevent the player from achieving their goal of beating the game. While the previous entry in the series, Heretic, offered a fast-paced shoot-em-up blitzkrieg, this game operated with a more measured approach. Methodical pacing, resource management, and the utilization of each class's weapons are key to moving forward. Hidden doors and paths and switches, sometimes activated with the use key and sometimes by firing a weapon at them, permeate the levels to the point where half the game can be spent clicking or shooting at random walls just to see what's going to open up when – or if at all. Most games would tuck away secrets by this method, but Hexen, oh no. Hexen offers little rewards aside from survival, and it's glorious. It's harder than shit, but it's glorious.

Opening up the game, players are given three options to choose from: Baratus the fighter, Parias the cleric, or Daedolon the mage. Each class has their ups and downs; for example, the fighter is a beefy fucker who has high hit points and damage, but weak magic, leading to a mostly melee combat style if you run out of mana. The mage is the opposite, low hit points but high magic damage, with some gorgeously rendered spells that beautifully highlight the detail that id tech 1 was capable of. And the cleric is a mixed bag, balanced between the two, with a woefully weak melee weapon and decent ranged magic weapons, but he also carries the single best weapon in the entire game: the Wraithverge, a crucifix that shoots out Arc of the Covenant ghosts that scream and eviscerate anything on the screen in a glorious display of carnage. Clear out a room in seconds with two well placed shot. Arguable, the Wraithverge should be right up next to the BFG 9000 as one of the most ridiculously overpowered weapons in any game – maybe even higher. But the Wraithverge is an Ultimate Weapon, and each class has an Ultimate Weapon, which needs to be assembled over the course of the game by finding the pieces of it tucked away in hidden corners of the levels. Depending on your vigilance, you might find the pieces sooner vs later, and the rewards for this are plentiful. However, unlike the prior game, this game doesn't use unique ammo type for each weapon; that would be too easy. This time around, weapons require mana to use, coming in two different flavors, blue and green. Each class works as such: weak melee weapon that needs no mana, a slightly stronger weapon that uses blue mana, a much stronger weapon that uses green mana, and the Ultimate Weapon which uses both. With the fighter, all of his weapons can be used as melee if he runs out of mana, but if he has the stock, they take on ranged properties. The mage has a starting weapon that requires no mana, but it still ranged. Meanwhile, the cleric maintains the balance with his solo melee weapon, and the rest are ranged. What's notable about the differences in the classes is that it's not just limited to weapon usage, but also inventory usage. Different classes will garner different amounts of armor points depending on their “familiarity” with how to use armor. There's an item called a fletchette that varies in use depending on the class; for example, the fighter throws the fletchette like a bomb, where the cleric drops it in place and it explodes into a cloud of poison. New players will have the opportunity to briefly look over the classes at the beginning as the opening screen displays stats such as speed, armor, magic, and strength, all of which seem a little arbitrary since they don't explicitly state what they do or how they affect the game up front. At the same time, each class is going to lean towards a bit more difficulty, seeing as how the tanky fighter is going to make bruting through the game a lot easier than the tissue paper mage. First time players would do wise to pick the fighter or the cleric as their first timer, saving the mage for a later playthrough, unless you're a masochist when it comes to the games that you play.

One of the great distinctions about Hexen as compared to Heretic is that the former feels more like a fully realized game world vs the cool fanfic/DOOM clone of the latter. Director and designer Brian Raffel no doubt had a hardon for dark fantasy substance, having worked on Raven's previous two fantasy games, and with the release of DOOM thought, “You know, we can do something with that.” Didn't hurt that id Software was just a block down the street from their offices around that time (true story!) and John Romero, AKA Rock God of Gaming, worked directly with Raven during development so they could make the most of id tech 1. Taking what they knew after Heretic, hungry to dive in further, Hexen feels like a natural expansion of the concepts introduced in the first game: weary travelers journeying through worlds and dimensions to combat an ancient evil using magic and steel. It's great stuff, leaning even harder on the 80's horror fantasy art aesthetic. The game is oozing with deeply detailed monsters and environments, even more refined than the very good work done on Heretic. Translucent objects, fog, breakable terrain, each hub and level are intimately crafted to feel like it's a living, breathing world, not just something you've decided to boot up on your 486 PC. Ranging from traditionally gothic architecture with stained glass and parapets, to jungley swamps, arid canyons, and moldy sewers. And as mentioned before, it's brutally oppressive, absolutely unwelcoming in design. Even the environment doesn't want your presence here. Sometimes it doesn't even want the other monsters around; if you're lucky, you can get creatures to turn on each other by creeping into a new area, and if you can go unnoticed before their attack animations kick in, monster castes will infight with one another, saving you precious mana in the process. It doesn't always work, but when it does, it's a fun little sight to behold your meddling.

The sound effects are truly phenomenal, a game worth wearing headphones for. Composer Kevin Schilder returns for the soundtrack, and while his work on Heretic was suitable, here he knocks it completely out of the park. Ominous, brooding, energetic but not too up tempo, it's perfect dungeon crawling music that creeps up your spine at the same time. Meanwhile the distinct creature sounds echo and crawl around corners, letting you know what is where, and also what to be afraid of. I can still hear the sounds of the Dark Bishop in the back of my head, letting me know that I need to turn tail and put some distance between me and them. Enemy design is even better this time around: the aforementioned Dark Bishops take the role of the previous game's Disciples of D'Sparil, teleporting and blasting you with dark magic from their hooded, faceless bodies. Ettins are double-headed warrior beasts that carry a spiked mace, and are the most prevalent monster class in the game – and while they might be everywhere, they pack a helluva wallop, meaning you don't underestimate them no matter how many times you've killed one. Meanwhile, the Centaurs and Slaughtaurs are horrible little shits. Just like the tag says, they're centaurs with full-face helmets, swords, and spiked shields. They can raise their shield to deflect any incoming attacks and reflect them back at you, which is infuriating, especially since the Slaughtaur can fire deadly green magic at you while holding up their shields. And since they look the same, you have to approach any of them with intense caution, otherwise you're staring down the face of death while waiting to make your next strike.

Puzzles operate primarily on a “find the key/switch” platform, but rather than tracking down everything necessary to proceed in a single level, Hexen challenges the player to locate and operate everything they need to move forward throughout a spread of areas around the hub. For example, the Swamp Key won't be directly located in the swamp itself, but maybe over in the Forest. Multiple switches necessary to unlocking the Final Door in the central hub are located in the various hub worlds, informing the player with a quick “You have solved 1/3 of the puzzle” text across the screen when you've found one. Find another switch, the number increases from 1/3 to 2/3, etc. But each hub has more switches, all the way up to nine switches necessary to journey on, which to some is going to be a slog. While frustrating at times, I never felt like I was wading through a switch hunt just to proceed. Each switch seemed to naturally pop up on its own, and once I realized that certain areas couldn't be accessed within the levels themselves, I'd hop around the various worlds in the hub until I found a new switch or key, and then went back. Imagine if Super Mario 64's paintings were all connected to each other, and you had to hop back and forth between them in order to get to the next floor of the castle. It's innovative, and certainly makes sense; if an evil overlord tyrant person were going to hide the keys to access their lair, they probably would spread them out to make it harder to find. It's gratifying to open up section after section of these levels, defying the odds and slaying your way through the puzzles. Adding to the depth of torment is that, unlike Heretic, clearing a room of monsters doesn't mean it will stay that way. Scripted sequences again have monsters teleport in when you least expect it, repopulating areas you thought were safe for the time being. Damning though that may be, it adds to the feeling like the player is being watched at every moment, and that the game is doing its level best to fight back against your progress.

Hexen is hard. I resorted to a walkthrough once, just like in Heretic, and absolutely utilized the minimap in order to suss out where switches were located. There is nothing here to suggest a walk in the park: it is labyrinthine, it is torrid, it is nightmarish. But the mechanics all come together in the end, particularly in the moments where the game gratifyingly presents a room full of mana and health and a lot of monsters to let loose on. These apeshit moments are some of the best in the game. After spending hours managing resources and trying to hoard as much mana and health as possible, to be allowed a moment of pure rip and tear is wonderful.

If you're going to play Hexen, I highly recommend getting the expansion, Deathkings of the Dark Citadel. Not only is the title metal as fuck, but the three new hubs it offers are even more vicious, demeaning, and frustrating. They shove all the elements of the previous five hubs down into three, and it shows. You'll be assaulted on all fronts right from the start, continuing where the final battle left off in Hexen. You still get to pick your class, but sadly, you're also starting over. Curiously depowered and without any inventory items to work with, you'll feel extra squishy for the first level or three. Honestly, Deathkings was where I felt I had the most pure Hexen experience: solidly brutal and unforgiving as fuck. Interestingly, Deathkings was released in 1996 around the same time that Heretic got a retail release with two additional episodes under the name Heretic: Shadow of the Serpent Riders. Factor this in with the upcoming release of Hexen II in 1997 (which saw a hefty difficulty spike as well), it seems that Raven got in one last hurrah with id tech 1 before moving on to id tech 2 -- the Quake engine. But more on that game in another post.

As with Heretic, I recommend playing this one through GZDOOM in order to get the best experience. And you'll need the best experience to stay one step ahead of everything that's trying to kill you. In a nutshell, Hexen is a true masterclass of determination to see the day through. For fans of retro FPS games, it's a must play, but be warned that coming into this after Heretic there is a distinct shift in how the game plays, looks, feels. Gone is the run and gun, which exists now only in pockets. But what's here, crafted lovingly and passionately, is a true nightmare of agony and difficulty unlike anything made before it. As Gmanlives summed it up, perhaps Dark Souls should be called the Hexen of third person adventure games.

Next time, we'll take a look at Hexen II, a popular but vastly different title in the series, and how the changes it made not only distinguished it from the previous two games, but may have also set it slightly backwards as well.

#hexen #raven software #id software #doom #heretic #first person shooter #dark souls #roses and ruins #ck burch #thoughts on #ranger report

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punainenpuolukka · 5 years

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Oh, the Thing with the Ghosts, the Boys, and the Car?

Now that season 15 premiere is airing tomorrow, which I realized merely a week ago, I thought I’d like to celebrate it somehow, since the show that has meant so much to me and so many others is finally coming to an end. As a form of celebration I thought I’d like to take this unique opportunity to discuss Supernatural in general, what it has meant to me, and maybe tell a funny story or two that are at least somewhat related to Supernatural. And because Supernatural itself is so long, I decided to make this a longer series as well, each part focusing on a different topic with various levels of depth since there’s only so much I have to say some things. At the moment I have four or five topics in mind (or 12 after I started making an actual list and like half of them have great potential), and at the time of publishing Part 1 I have written three of them. The parts will be in no particular order and most have little to no connection with one another, I think. I try to keep them light and funny but since I myself am neither of those things, some might get a bit bleak. Also, I try to avoid making too many awkward confessions or rants and if I can’t avoid them, I’ll try extra hard to be funny or at least give the parts moderately entertaining titles because I’m moderately entertaining, and I just realized that awkward confessions would probably be the funniest thing I could possibly write.

I’d also like to apologize that the first part got so bloated. Turns out, I have more things to say about Sam than I thought.

Part 1. Much Ado about Sam – I’ve had some problems but now I’m over them, I guess

Now hear me out, I like Sam Winchester. I like him very much exactly for the same reasons as everyone else likes him: he’s a good man who has had to fight tooth and nail, often quite literally, to be a good man, and to keep trying to be that good man when it would be easier to not be. Sure, sometimes he falters, sometimes he falls very far, but he chooses time and time again to be the good man we want him to be. Sam’s arguably the best at trying to be that good man; he has sacrificed everything from his life, his sanity, his freedom to his family and loved ones. And if he wasn’t ready to sacrifice them they were taken from him anyway. The whole universe has basically beaten him to the ground over and over again and he still stands up and continues to fight the good fight. He and his family have carried the world on their shoulders for so long the thought that it is not their responsibility is inconceivable. Gotta admire that tenacity.

Sam is also kind and compassionate and understands like no other what it’s like to be the Other, and he can’t help but relate with those who have been othered like him. He wants to believe in the inner goodness of others and give second chances because he himself has gotten multiple chances to be and do better, and someone has always believed in the good within him. Alternatively, he can also be the meanest, scariest motherfucker ever if he needs to be, and in those moments he is so cold and cruel that you can hardly believe he’s the same person. And I haven’t even written how hardworking and intelligent he is or what an amazing hunter he is, a true living legend (who has admittedly been dead multiple times but who’s counting anyway, he’s alive now).

Frankly, Sam is awesome. So why on earth wouldn’t someone like him?

Well, I can explain, I say as I really don’t know how to explain why I have had problems liking Sam. Or more accurately, I have occasionally had to make an effort to actively like Sam, especially during the early seasons, though since Supernatural is so long ‘early season’ can in my mind mean anything up till the very last few seasons. Before I continue, I feel like I should clarify that I have never hated or even disliked Sam, but he has certainly made me sad and disappointed in him because of all those previously presented reasons. I know he can be better and I wish him to be happy, even for just a while. Sometimes he just ticks as neutral. And when such a multifaceted character like Sam is ‘neutral’ there is a problem somewhere.

The thing is, and I'm aware how extremely silly this is, but there are some unfortunate coincidences concerning Sam that my weird brain interprets to his detriment. For instance, Sam was born May 2nd 1983 and my own brother was born May 3rd 1984, which somehow cosmically connects the two of them in my barely functioning brain, and no matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about them in relation to each other (as in when I think about Sam, my brain goes: “... and my brother, he’s almost the same age, so he belongs to this thought, right?” or when the discussion is about Sam’s birthday my brain immediately goes: “... and my brother’s the next day that’s important, just year and a day apart, can’t believe it”). However, my brother and Sam have nothing in common outside that year and two days of age difference (i believe 1984 was a leap year), and you know, one of them isn’t real. So, due to some awkward and partially fictional dates, my brain is somehow convinced that Sam is automatically less than (my big brother, a real person who should not be compared to a fictional person with the suckiest life imaginable), and when someone is less than, that means I can’t like them, at least not as much as I feel I should, right? But until my brain gets past that people have birthdays, every day in fact, and that it has no significance whatsoever, I have to live with this weird coincidence (and my brain chimes: “... my friend’s birthday is November 2nd, that’s impor – “ no, just stop).

If the last one was silly to the extreme, then the next one’s heavy: the demon blood issue. I understand that the whole deal with Sam drinking demon blood is a blatant allegory of substance abuse and drug addiction, and it’s a low point for him as a character on purpose, but it’s still difficult to watch, and even harder to talk about. I don’t want to talk about it at all. I don’t want to think about it all. Anytime anyone brings up the demon blood drinking and the powers Sam got from it (or the powers he had before that) I become irrationally angry and just shut down. I’m not upset that the demon blood thing happened, I’m upset that it was brought up in the first place and that there’s still some people after all this time who long for the days Sam was portrayed with such exceptional, raw, and frightful power. And here is where I disagree: to me Sam as himself, as the human that he is, is the gold standard. I don’t miss him having powers because all I can truly remember of that time is how it almost cost him his humanity. It was his lowest point in a time that was only getting progressively worse even without him spiraling into addiction. And then we saw how all for nothing it was. All that demon blood couldn’t keep Lucifer at bay, and for a brief moment all was lost. But in the end it was shown that Sam could only win as himself. So I don’t miss Sam’s powers or the demon blood drinking. It happened, it’s in the past, Sam is better now. Sam is better because he beat his addiction, he is better because he doesn’t need the powers to save lives or be the best hunter he could be, and he is better because with that whole thing behind him, he is better at being himself. I mean, there’s lots of bad things ahead of him, like the soullessness, the trials, the angel possession...you know what show you’re watching, I don’t have to do a recap. But Sam gets past all of them too, so not only is he coping with what is thrust his way, admittedly not always particularly well, he is allowed to get better. And very recently, but again, I have no concept of time when it comes to this show, Sam has started to let go of that cursed codependency that has plagued the show from the very beginning and allowed himself to get better and be better at being just himself. There’s finally light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel like I cannot press this enough, but to me Sam has been the very best for the last few seasons. When I think about him, it feels like I can finally breathe properly after my chest has been squeezed for years. The relief I felt after being anxious about him for so long came to me so gradually that I didn’t even realize there was a change until what had previously felt right suddenly felt wrong, and I realized I had grown accustomed to that feeling so I just assumed it was right when in fact it was not. And through the relief that I didn’t have to worry about Sam constantly came what at the time felt like a revelation: Sam is amazing, I like Sam and have liked him the whole time but for some reason thought that I couldn’t. It just snuck up and hit me on the head with same force that Sam gets hit with all the time (seriously, what’s up with his skull). I even felt ashamed when I thought I didn’t like him, which seems silly, but I know this fandom, people have had issues with other fans for much less.

In conclusion, despite the silly and heavy reservations I have had about Sam, he is made of awesome, and only through time have I understood how wonderful he is and how my capability to relate to him is so intrinsically connected to the worry for his safety that it had nearly incapacitated me from liking him. Not until I realized how that constant worrying had affected me and kept me from truly appreciating both him and the whole show, could I finally see what I really thought of Sam. Regardless, I’m excited for what will happen to Sam in the last season. I want him to beat the odds one last time, I want him to get to keep the family he still has left, and I want him to get all the things he deserves. And he deserves so much.

#supernatural #supernatural season 15 #SPN #Sam Winchester #spn s15

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antique-darling · 4 years

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12 steps backwards

Hi, I’m Carys and I’m an alcoholic.

It started the same way as practically everyone else; understanding the intoxicating beauty of alcohol, a true social lubricant - and a firm willing suspension of disbelief that it’ll ever happen to you.

The whole sordid affair began around Christmastime 2006. I was extremely young and very beautiful, and dressed the part of a perfect outcast with my various studs and spikes, my facial piercings mostly resembling that of one who has headbutted a box of map pins. But I was horrifically shy, the shackles of post-puberty still lingering.

We’re in the UK, so I was handed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at a house party. The more I drank, the more confident I became. I felt vibrant and stunning, although I was most likely being annoying. Even caught myself my first boyfriend that night, something which I’d never successfully been able to do. I managed to forget the two-day hangover which ensued.

Thus began a bitter relationship with alcohol, my best friend of over a decade who betrayed me, in the end.

I lived a 3-minute walk away from my high school, so I would frequently nip home at lunch to swindle some booze my mum had unsuccessfully ‘hidden’ away. She worked every weekday, and my parents had just separated at this point, which definitely made the whole debacle easier. In retrospect, the separation and eventual divorce probably affected me more than I realised.

A string of failed relationships, including an engagement, before I’d even turned 18 shaped me more into this polyp of self-loathing, and a glass of wine would ease the hatred a little more, or I’d down a bottle of something stronger.

By the time I’d reached 16, I decided that I was an adult, and panicked because I wasn’t getting pregnant. Somehow, in my mind, I neglected to recall that stress and abusing alcohol is the opposite of a good environment for a foetus. Over the past decade, I’ve lost count of the number of dead babies to drop out of me.

I’m fairly certain I fell in love with the devil when I was 17. He was strong and handsome, and an alcoholic himself. Although at this time, my true alcoholism had not yet fully manifested. This man made it a reality.

He told me to stop taking my pill because it was making me “moody”. I acquiesced, assuming I was barren anyway. Discovering I was around 6 weeks pregnant was a shock, to say the least.

I was still in school and he was jobless due to a health condition I like to call chronic laziness and taking all of my money to supplement his drug and alcohol habits. I’d been in abusive relationships before him, and they’re honestly what I probably deserve. I’m constantly drawn to the same sorts of people, despite my better judgment. The problem, therein, lies in me.

But this man was king. I have endured nothing like the hell he dragged me through since.

So, the option he gave me was crystal clear; “it’s not very nice being a single mum”. I had just turned 18, and I was so very vulnerable. I had already been corrupted by the 4 men who had came before him, so my self-worth was absolutely nothing. Again, I acquiesced to his demands.

If I knew all those years ago what I know now, I would have left him and had my child. But he took my choice away from me, he forced a child into me and forced it back out again. He caused me to betray every part of my moral integrity, every single belief that I held dear. And it still feels, to this very day, as painful as it did in 2012. I wish I’d killed myself instead of my baby. I haven’t spoken to this man in many years, but he haunts me daily. The saddest truth is that I’m sure he doesn’t even remember I exist. I know he never loved me, but I loved him with a ferocity which I’ve not felt since.

And I so desperately wanted a child. I still do. It still won’t happen - I’ve cursed myself and I am dealing with the wrath of eternity. Hell is on earth and I have created it.

So, to absolutely no surprise to anyone, I hit the bottle hard after that. I had to take a week off after the abortion due to antibiotics and opioid painkillers, but the minute I could, I drowned.

After all, I was 18. I had a drinking permit.

I spent my entire university career after that point getting blind drunk daily. At my peak, I’d drink cheap bottled cider (but not Frosty Jack’s or White Lightning - I had some class) as if it was cola or something. I’d have wine on a Friday and Saturday night, typically two bottles, and a bottle of vodka every day. This went on for 5 years.

During this time I was engaged again, to someone I’d met at university. We were together for 4 years, living together, and I remember virtually nothing of the relationship. It was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and sometimes I forget his name. I certainly don’t remember what he looked like.

Naturally, that relationship broke down when, on the 11th of September 2018, I surrendered. My 12-year relationship with alcohol was over.

I would wake up next to my partner every day, and the more time I spent not drinking, the more I realised he was a total stranger in my bed. After a month of sobriety, I awoke to the fact I had absolutely no recollection of this person at all, apart from the two times we traveled to Belfast to see his family and friends. Even then, I only remember the actual traveling part.

We had to live together a month after we had separated, during which time he constantly demanded to know why I’d left him. Simply, “I sobered up”. He had been the most violent, piggish creature of all the men I had ever been with, memories which have only been returning to me in the past year. Sometimes I think, he wasn’t looking for a partner, he was looking for a sex slave. And he still wasn’t as bad as the devil of my younger years.

Probably ‘coz I was really drunk the whole time.

So I’m 16 months sober, as of Saturday of this month. I still can’t sleep, I still have headaches and I’ve put on so much weight I can barely recognise myself. It’s bittersweet. I have achieved great things in my life, but I feel like a stranger looking in. I feel like a confused 12-year-old, shy with no confidence and no place in the world. Like the degrees I have are someone else’s, and sure I have my graduation pictures but that’s a different me. That’s not me, surely. My day job is, ironically, bartending. I know I’m fantastic at my persona, but the customers see through the cracks. They’ll ask me “What’s the nicest x? What mixer goes with y?”, and I can never just say “oh, it’s z”, I always have to say “other people usually have this with z”.

I don’t keep my alcoholism a secret, and most of my regular customers know. And I’ll get the typical diatribe of “oh aren’t you strong and brave, working here and struggling with your recovery??”. I know they mean well, and it’s a lovely compliment to pay. But I don’t feel strong, although it is cathartic when I get to pour drinks away. I feel like a failure.

I am a fully qualified English teacher in the process of doing my Master’s degree. Staying up til 3am cleaning, after spending 6 hours serving poison to toxic people (although a lot of my regular customers are genuine angels), makes me believe that, despite my achievements on paper, that that is all I’m worth.

I want to end this monologue on a positive note. In over a year of sobriety, I have learned to go out with my friends, or hang out after work, and not feel so left out. Coffee is now a luxury, opposed to a brown liquid to fix my constant hangover. I even know when coffee tastes burnt now, which is something my former self would never have even considered. I’m eternally grateful for my family of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven’t been to a meeting in months due to work and uni, but every time I manage to go, it’s as if I’d not missed a single one.

My family have been nothing but supportive, although my dad still doesn’t really understand it (we were great drinking buddies for a while). My friends are mainly my colleagues at work, and without their support I wouldn’t be alive, most likely. Also they will refuse to serve me alcohol - not that I’ve tried, but I’ve been told so, in order to continue supporting my recovery.

Since being sober, I’ve surrounded myself with good people. The bad things don’t seem so bad, and every day I’m working on hating myself less.

Alcohol and/or substance abuse feels like something that won’t happen to you. Unfortunately, it can happen to all of us, and so very quickly. Or, so slowly that you didn’t even register it until you’re sleeping on a bench in the middle of February.

There is help, free help, and there are probably millions of people suffering too. If you’re suffering, you’re not alone. You never have to be alone.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

#abuse #alcohlism #addicition #recovery

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perdev11-blog · 4 years

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Problems as a teenager

Physical

A.) Scars

A scar is a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed. No one can avoid scars since we always go to the outside and dangerous world. Some scars can be unpleasant to some people because it can be seen to an exposed part of the body and the trauma that it left behind.

When I was grade four, my classmates noticed that I got scars on my face and I got completely conscious about it since all of them didn’t even have a scar on their face. I tried searching for solutions to get rid of my ugly scars but no results. For the past 3 years I despised myself due to the scars I have on my face. Then grade 7 came and I was surprised that I got a classmate that has a scar on their face. They weren’t bothered about the scar because it’s already part of their life and they have no choice but to live with it. And I saw that other people see scars unique because that’s what makes them different to other people. I realized that why should I change myself when I’m already unique. I got fond of my scars because I saw it as a beautiful mark than an ugly blemish in my life. But over the years my scars suddenly faded. It’s not completely gone but it’s just that not very visible to people anymore. However, I still like showing my scars because I really felt unique about it.

People tend to hate themselves due to the scars that they have on their body. But what I’m telling you now that you shouldn’t hate yourself because of your scars rather appreciate your scars. You shouldn’t be afraid of showing your scars because they are the badges that shows you’ve won the battle that left you with it. It’s really ok to have a scar because it shows that you’ve come this far and you are stronger than your past. Never reject your own mark because that mark is what makes you unique about yourself and different from other people because you conquered your own demons by yourself.

MENTAL

Mental relates to our mind. It also refers to the total emotional and intellectual response of an individual to external reality. Mental health refers to our cognitive, behavioral, and emotional wellbeing - it is all about how we think, feel, and behave. The term 'mental health' is sometimes used to mean an absence of a mental disorder. Mental health can affect daily life, relationships, and even physical health. Mental health also includes a person's ability to enjoy life - to attain a balance between life activities and efforts to achieve psychological resilience. A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. Such features may be persistent, relapsing and remitting, or occur as a single episode. There are many symptoms of mental disorders such as anxiety, overthinking, depression, stress, etc.

A.) Stress

Stress is a normal part of life and can be caused by many different things. Stress on teenagers can be harmful to their health and wellbeing if it seems as though they have been enduring it for a long time. There many reasons why teen agers getting stress. • Homework and school (especially exams) •expectations and pressure from parents and their families to do well in school their •social relationships with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and the issue of sex life challenges, such as dropping out of school or going to tertiary •studies or lack of time for work-having too much to do, feeling unprepared or overwhelmed • lack of sleep. These are the reasons why teenagers get stress but there also a way how can they overcome it. When you believe that your child is depressed, speak to them about trying to determine whether these or other issues are happening. If you can understand how they feel stressed, helping them fix the cause and properly manage their stress will be easier. Yes, maybe sometimes parents is the reason why teenagers got stress, but they are also the way how their children can overcome it

B.) Overthinking

Overthinking is exactly what it means, thinking too much. When you think too much, instead of acting and doing things, you are overthinking. When you analyze, comment and repeat the same thoughts over and again, instead of acting, you are overthinking. This habit prevents you from taking action. It consumes your energy, disables your ability to make decisions, and puts you on a loop of thinking and thinking over and again. This is a kind of thinking that wastes your time and energy and prevents you from acting, doing new things and making progress in your life. It’s like tying yourself to a rope that is connected to a pole and going in circles again and again. In this situation there is more likelihood for worry, anxiety and lack of inner peace. On the other hand, when you don’t overthink, you become more efficient, more peaceful and much happier. Causes When you become more aware of your tendency to overthink things, you can take steps to change. But first, you have to recognize that overthinking does more harm than good. Sometimes, people think that their overthinking somehow prevents bad things from happening. And they think if they don't worry enough or rehash the past enough then somehow, they'll encounter more problems. But the research is pretty clear--overthinking is bad for you and it does nothing to prevent or solve problems.

- I relive embarrassing moments in my head repeatedly.

- I have trouble sleeping because it feels like my brain won't shut off.

- I ask myself a lot of "what if..." questions.

- I spend a lot of time thinking about the hidden meaning in things people say or events that happen.

- I rehash conversations I had with people in my mind and think about all the things I wished I had or hadn't said.

- I constantly relive my mistakes.

- When someone says or acts in a way I don't like, I keep replaying it in my mind. Sometimes I'm not aware of what's going on around me because I'm dwelling on things that happened in the past or worrying about things that might happen in the future.

- I spend a lot of time worrying about things I have no control over.

- I can't get my mind off my worries. Effects where you just can’t stop thinking about an event, a person, something that happened in the past, or on a problem. Instead of looking for a solution, taking initiative and being active, you just keep thinking and cannot get it out of your mind. At times, when something bad happens, you think about the worst scenarios, with thoughts like “what if?” or “why?”.

- You slip now and then into negative thinking patterns.

- You worry about past mistakes or current problems and issues, and how they might lead to negative outcomes.

- You obsess about or over-analyze your day-to-day experiences and interactions with people.

You inflate every word, thought and event beyond really and reasonable proportions, reading into things that aren’t actually there. If this happens often, you are what psychologists call a ruminator, or over-thinker. Psychologists have found that over-thinking can be detrimental to performance, and lead to anxiety and depression. How to Overcome Overthinking? There are various ways to get rid of this habit, like watching TV, playing video games or listening to music. Walking, swimming or exercising the body can also take your mind off temporarily from the habit overthinking. Anything that keeps your mind occupied with some activity that doesn’t allow you to overthink is okay. Watch yourself when you overthink and see how time and energy consuming it is, how you are behaving passively, instead of actively. Realize that thinking once, or a just a few times is enough. It leads you nowhere thinking over and again the same thoughts. You need to make a decision and act. The matter is that you might revert to overthinking – ruminating over and again. The above tips would help you, but if you want to completely overcome this habit, you will need to go one step further. You will need to learn to focus and calm down your mind, so that you can easily prevent it from revolving around the same thoughts over and over again.

C.) Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. It’s when you are not stable and not comfortable with your situation. It’s a type of mental illness where you’re unease. When you’re uncomfortable with your surroundings and when you tend to worry a lot with an uncertain outcome, you’re overthinking

Causes:

* Environmental factors: Elements in the environment around an individual can increase anxiety. Stress from a personal relationship, job, school, or financial predicament can contribute greatly to anxiety disorders. Even low oxygen levels in high-altitude areas can add to anxiety symptoms.

* Genetics: People who have family members with an anxiety disorder are more likely to have one themselves.

* Medical factors: Other medical conditions can lead to an anxiety disorder, such as the side effects of medication, symptoms of a disease, or stress from a serious underlying medical condition that may not directly trigger the changes seen in anxiety disorder but might be causing significant lifestyle adjustments, pain, or restricted movement.

* Brain chemistry: Stressful or traumatic experiences and genetic factors can alter brain structure and function to react more vigorously to triggers that would not previously have caused anxiety. Psychologists and neurologists define many anxiety and mood disorders as disruptions to hormones and electrical signals in the brain.

* Use of or withdrawal from an illicit substance: The stress of day-to-day living combined with any of the above might serve as key contributors to an anxiety disorder. Effects: it can make you sweat

* Can make you have headaches

* Excessive and ongoing worry and tension

* Unrealistic view towards problems

* Ongoing irritability

* Muscle tension and aches

* Can make you think of different views towards problems continuously This specific mental illness can bother you nonstop and make you have a negative outlook in life. Whenever we have or feel like we have anxiety or any other mental illness, we should check up with a professional. Anxiety can ruin your mind set and make you worry about things. To avoid this, we should try harder to be positive in life. It may make you think realistic about certain situations but it can go too much and become negative and toxic for our mental health. This also leads to us overthinking too much and may lead to anxiety.

Living with mental illness is not easy. It’s a consistent problem without a clear solution. While treatments like medication and psychotherapy are incredibly helpful, sometimes people experiencing mental health conditions need to do more day-in and day-out to feel good or even just okay. Some common self-help suggestions people receive are to exercise, meditate and be more present, which are helpful and work for many people. However, other proven methods aren’t mentioned as often. Many of them are quick and simple techniques that can easily be added to daily routines. Finding the right coping mechanism takes time and patience, but it can enormously impact how you feel. If you haven’t had success with techniques you’ve tried, or you’re looking to add a few more to your toolkit, here are seven coping mechanisms recommended by mental health professionals worth trying out.

EMOTIONAL

What is Emotional? If it has anything to do with feelings like happiness or anger, then we consider it as emotional. Emotion is a mental state associated with the nervous system brought on by chemical changes variously associated with thoughts, feelings, behavioral responses, and a degree of pleasure or displeasure. It is often intertwined with mood, temperament, personality, disposition, and motivation.

How do emotions affect behavior? Behaviors are different from thoughts and emotions. It is how we act or what we do. In contrast, thoughts and emotions are inside of us and we don’t have to act on our thoughts and emotions. Despites being different from emotions, behaviors are very strongly influenced by them. For example, when we feel frustrated, we sometimes acts on that frustration by saying mean things to our parents or on the people in our surroundings.

Here are some examples of Emotional Conflicts:

A.) Mood Swings

"Mood Swings" is a typical term used to portray quick and seriously fluctuating feelings. Individuals regularly portray emotional episodes as an "exciting ride" of sentiments from bliss and satisfaction to outrage, peevishness, and even depression.

An individual may perceive something that has "set off" a move in their state of mind, for example, an unpleasant occasion at work. But on the other hand it's normal for mood swings to happen without an undeniable reason. Individuals may encounter these adjustments in mind-set through the span of a day or even inside several hours.

It's not unexpected to have days where you feel pitiful or days when you're thrilled. For whatever length of time that your state of mind changes doesn’t meddle with your life to an extraordinary degree, they're commonly viewed as solid.

Then again, you may have an ailment in the event that you change from incredibly glad to amazingly discourage all the time. On the off chance that you have genuine and visit mood swings, you should enlighten your primary care physician concerning them. They can talk about the potential purposes behind for what reason you're encountering them.

A few reasons for fast changes in conduct can be identified with emotional well-being, hormones, substance use, or other wellbeing conditions. Mood Swings can be a challenge to manage, particularly on the off chance that they meddle with your everyday life, school or work, and your connections. Changes in disposition that are continuous and extreme ought to be talked about with your primary care physician, as you should make sense of the hidden medicinal or potentially emotional well-being cause before you can adequately treat them.

Prescriptions called state of mind stabilizers, psychotherapy or advising, and mediations, for example, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) might be useful if a hidden dysfunctional behavior is causing emotional episodes or exacerbating them

If your good and bad times aren't influencing different parts of your life adversely, you might have the option to work through your emotional episodes without restorative consideration. You may have the option to manage your states of mind on the off chance that you do the following:

Keep a timetable

Attempt to make an everyday practice for yourself, particularly with regards to eating and resting.

Exercise consistently

Practicing normally has various advantages for almost all parts of your wellbeing, including temperament.

Get adequate rest.

A decent night's rest is significant and lack of sleep can influence your mind-set.

Eat a solid eating regimen

A reasonable, solid eating routine can improve your state of mind and keep you sound. Here are a few hints to adhering to a solid eating regimen.

Practice unwinding

Participate in quieting practices like yoga or reflection.

Keep away from pressure

More difficult than one might expect, isn't that so? In the event that you can't maintain a strategic distance from it, plan to oversee and assuage worry as it comes.

Convey what needs be

Locate an inventive outlet to convey what needs be.

Work it out

Discover somebody to converse with, for example, a companion, relative, or expert instructor.

Remember that emotional episodes can shift in seriousness. Encountering a scope of feelings is a piece of life. You may need to modify your way of life to return to feeling ordinary in the event that you experience periodic emotional episodes.

You should take emotional episodes that adjust your conduct and contrarily sway your life or people around you truly. Contact your primary care physician in the event that you feel that emotional episodes have assumed control over your everyday life or in the event that you've been feeling unwell for an all-inclusive timeframe. These could be manifestations of a wellbeing condition.

B.) Breakdowns

Breakdowns are term describing emotional or physical stress that temporarily makes someone unable to function in day-to-day life. Nowadays, teenagers are mostly the one who experience breakdowns. Knowing breakdown and knowing what are the causes are important, so we are aware if we’re experiencing it and to avoid having it. I already experienced having a breakdown and its really tough to overcome breakdowns because you are emotionally, as well as physically tired of doing something. Just like in a meal, you may lose your appetite. You feel that you have no reason to live and no one supports you. So we should focus to this one.

Causes:

• Expectations and Standards

• Stress

• Heart aches

• Failures

• Negative Thoughts

• Toxic People/Surroundings

Symptoms:

• Feeling anxious, depressed, tearful, or continuously irritable

• Withdrawing or avoiding normal social situations

• Unhealthy eating and hygiene

• Difficulty focusing or remembering

• Lacks of motivation and interest in things

Treatment and Prevention:

• Spend some time alone.

• Be aware of breakdowns

• Know what causes you to have breakdowns

• Reduce sources of stress, such as conflicts at home, workplace and etc.

• Doing exercises and yoga

• Talking with friends, family, partners about troublesome feelings

Let us be aware of breakdowns and learn that everything has a purpose. Do not focus on the things that will make you lose your passion such as standards and expectations of others and keep yourself distant to toxic people and surround yourself with the person who really care about you.

C.) Short Temper

Short temper is an instantaneous display of anger. The ideal solution is not to control anger, but to be rid of Anger. The problem with us is not our tempers, but the underlying anger in us. There are thousands of tips you will find online which will say things like:

• Whenever you get angry, the first thing you should do is close your eyes and take deep breaths for a while.

• Keep a watch on your current anger level and when you sense that you're about to lose your temper, do something to distract yourself and improve your mood, like making a joke to break the tension or remembering a happy memory.

The above suggestions are like using a band-aid to cover a gaping wound. It will give relief, but only temporarily.

What Causes Anger? A leading cause of anger is a person’s environment. Stress, financial issues, abuse, poor social or familial situations, and overwhelming requirements on your time and energy can all contribute to the formation of anger. As with disorders such as alcoholism, anger issues may be more prevalent in individuals who were raised by parents with the same disorder. Genetics and your body’s ability to deal with certain chemicals and hormones also play a role in how you deal with anger; if your brain doesn’t react normally to serotonin, you might find it more difficult to manage your emotions.

Emotional Symptoms of Anger-Related Problems

You might think the emotional symptoms of anger-related problem are limited to anger, but a number of emotional states could indicate that you are failing to deal with anger in a positive and healthy fashion. Constant irritability, rage and anxiety are possible emotional symptoms.

If you feel overwhelmed, have trouble organizing or managing your thoughts or fantasize about hurting yourself or others, you could be experiencing an anger disorder or another issue. Don’t wait for these emotions to take control of your life; maintain control by calling our hotline today at. Representatives are available to listen and offer advice 24/7.

Physical Symptoms of Anger-Related Problems

-headache, Pressure in head, Fatigue, Pressure in sinus cavities, Heart palpitations, Tightening of chest, Increased blood pressure, Tingling. Strong emotions often bring about physical changes to the body, and anger is no exception. Letting anger issues go unaddressed can put your overall health at risk.

10 anger management tips

1. Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same

2. Once you're calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

3. Get some exercise

Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

4. Take a timeout

Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.

5. Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

6. Stick with 'I' statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."

7. Don't hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

8. Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

9. Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

10. Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

D.) Low-Self Esteem

Low self-esteem is characterized by a lack of confidence and feeling badly about oneself. People with low self-esteem often feel unlovable, awkward, or incompetent. They tend to be hypersensitive and have a fragile sense of self that can easily be wounded by others. Low self -esteem is simply how you feel about yourself and how you judge your worth. This evaluation has a profound impact on the choices you make since it determines, to a great extent, what you consider yourself capable and worthy of doing.

People with low self-esteem – who feel poorly about themselves and judge themselves to be inferior to others – are at risk, then, of not fulfilling their true potential in life. They may not take the initiative to set and pursue personal goals; they may not put any effort into their education or careers; they may accept poor treatment from family, friends and romantic partners. This has been linked to a number of negative behaviors among teens, including:

· Poor academic performance

· Teen pregnancy

· Dropping out of school

· Earlier sexual activity

· Criminal behavior

· Alcohol and drug abuse

· Cutting

· Disordered eating

Low self-esteem is more than an unpleasant feeling. It takes a toll on our lives. This are the causes of low self-esteem:

· Uninvolved/Negligent Parents

· Negative Peers

· Trauma

· Body Image

· Unrealistic Goals

· Previous Bad Choices

· Negative Thought Patterns

These causes lead to different negative effects of low self -esteem some of this are:

· Negative feelings

· Self-loathing

· Believing you have nothing to offer

· Difficulty getting motivated

· Obsession with perfection

· Lowered resilience

· Lack of self-care

· Struggling relationships

· Being a “people pleaser”

· Believing you are powerless to change anything

In our generation nowadays most of us is conscious of what other people might think of us. Because of this our confidence are affected and we are afraid of showing our real personality, identity and self to others. As a teenager sometimes I don’t what to show what I really feel because I’m afraid that the people around me might say something about it , also I’m afraid of taking risk because I always think what if this one fails and turns out to have a negative effect what will I do? How will I explain it to the people around me? How will I face all of their discrimination and judgement. But as time goes by, I learned how to overcome it by accepting the results of the decisions I make. Here are some ways to overcome low self -esteem:

· Live in the moment

· Develop awareness

· Be non-judgmental

· Stay connected to yourself

· Practice mindful meditation

· Participate in your own life

· Let go

· Show compassion toward yourself

And always remember “We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.”

As a teenager we are facing a lot of challenges. This leads us to different emotional problems that become a reason of some serious health and mental illness. But we should always put our mind that us a youth we have the freedom to just do what we want and what makes us happy. It is our decision to make whether we want to see a certain situation as negative or positive. Don’t let other people dictate you on what you should do, be your own voice towards happiness and peace. Always remember that each one of us is loved and cherished by our own families don’t ever compare yourself to others.

Always remind yourself are special, surround yourself with people who brings color to your life and not the one who destroy you as a person. Take care of yourself always. Be fruitful and grow where you have planted. There is a purpose in everything, and that’s for you to be a better version of yourself,

SOCIAL

What are social issues? Social issue is a problem with a particular place or group of people in the world. There are a lot of social problems around us, for example the lack of confidence, many people lack confidence because they don’t believe on what they can do and they don’t believe in themselves, they are afraid of what people may think about them, they are afraid to be judged. Some people are naturally born with introversion, maybe they inherit it to their parents, others may just don’t want to socialize because they think that others may just make fun of them and they can’t appreciate them, the way they want to be appreciated. While, shyness is another example of social issues, shyness is a characteristic of people who have low self-esteem. They’re shy to share what’s running through their mind. Shyness is like lack of confidence, they tend to feel weak, they’re shy to show what they really feel.

A.) Shyness

Shyness can be an awkward, self-conscious, anxious, shy, and insecure feeling. Often people who feel shy in situations may experience physical sensations like blushing, feeling weak, forgetting speech, or shortness of breath or rapid breathing. If people feel shy, they tend to hesitate to say or do something because they feel uncertain about themselves or about themselves.

There are a lot of ways to overcome shyness, first, Start practicing interacting and sharing or telling jokes or stories at any moment. In all areas of your life be more talkative and articulate. You should practice communicating, more freely, whether you're at home, with family, cousins and friends. Let's hear your voice and thoughts. Second, Part of overcoming shyness is about building trust in several areas of your life and not allowing you to get in the way of anxiety, fear of failure, fear of rejection or fear of embarrassment. You overcome the fear of the unknown by doing new activities and learn to handle your anxiety more effectively. Last, Learn how to earn confidence comes by experience, training, practice, and mastery. When you learned how to ride a bicycle, remember? At first it was scary, but you just walked for it and tried it, you got it, and you felt confident. Social confidence works in the same way.

B.) Lack of Confidence

Having a lack of confidence is like losing more opportunities in life we must overcome this type of trait that has a big impact to every individual especially to those students. Feeling certain of success even when your knowledge suggests you might felt to fail. Even if you’re extremely skilled and talented, a lack of self-confidence can prevent you from performing at your best in pressure situations. For example, if you work in sales, it’s one thing to read a book and learn and understand some new sales techniques, but it’s a very different challenge to actually go out and apply those techniques when face-to-face with a prospect. The major limiting factor often isn’t a lack of knowledge or practice but rather the limiting belief that you can’t expect to perform well the first few times a self-fulfilling prophecy. Public speaking is a great example. Many people have the knowledge and skill to write a speech that an audience would enjoy, and when practiced in private, they may even do a decent job. But put them in front of an audience or even just suggest the idea and they quickly succumb to feelings of self-doubt and worry. However, if you take such people to a stage hypnosis show and they’re hypnotized, they’ll get up on stage and perform wonderfully with no fear at all, even with no rehearsal or prepared material. Being under hypnosis doesn’t magically bestow any new skills, but it can put people into a state where they have full and unrestricted access to their best internal resources. What new endeavors might you be able to take on if you were hypnotized to belief with absolute certainty that you would succeed at them? You may currently believe that confidence is the result of a history of success. While a history of success can certainly increase your confidence, you don’t actually need that history to feel confident. Confidence is a feeling of certainty, a natural inner resource that can be summoned whenever you want it. The key to feeling confident lies in a quote from Albert Einstein: “Imagination is more powerful than knowledge.” Even when your knowledge tells you to expect failure, you have the ability to consciously direct your imagination to override that impulse and feel certain of success anyway. Confidence is not panacea. But being able to make yourself feel certain of success can give you massive edge in many endeavors. And a lack of confidence can put you into the decrepit state where even though you have the intellectual resources to succeed, you don't even make the attempt.

C.) Introversion

Every person has their own identity, each of us has our own personality. We all encounter problems, we all experience pain and we all fall and rise again. Who we are now is how we coped up with our problems from before. Pain changes us, experiences makes us realize that some people can become strangers.

Sometimes in our life, we seem to give up, but there will always be someone else who will make our lives worthy. Afterwards, people will leave again. But why? Life is a cycle, where one can't not change. We will be friends to someone then later on we'll get attached and they'll leave, leave us hanging and we will wondered why. Why do people leave? Why do I need to feel pain? All our why 's will never be answered because no one is there to answer. In all our problems in life, we all get tired, to the point where we don't want to meet new people anymore. You don't want to please these people just for them to stay. You don't want people to hurt you again. People will leave because they'll get tired on us, and yet we are expected not to. Each people who have left us in pain was the person we truly value but ended up fading away. They are the ones that makes us special even in a while. When we fall down, we got no one but ourselves. We will stand up and fix ourselves alone.

Pain makes us stronger, and makes us realize that at the end of the day, we'll be alone. You can be alone but not happy, otherwise you can be happy even though you're alone. Being happy is a choice. Why meet new people if in the end of the day, they'll just leave us pain? Why beg people to stay if they're just going to leave us for someone better? Why fix others if they can fix themselves? Why do you need others if you can fix yourself. Someone said no man is an island, but an island on its own can be happy. If an island is resourceful, it will be a happiness for itself. If you, on your own, can do such things alone without anyone involved, you can be happy. Having barriers with people is not a bad thing, it's just you've learned from your past and you don't want others to hurt you again.

It's not bad if you let other people come into your life, but you must limit yourself from them, from pain. In case they leave, you can stand up on your own. In case they replace you, you can accept and it won't bother you. In case they'll be happy with others, you won't need anyone, because you have yourself. Be like the moon, who can be happy on its own and can be happy even though darkness surrounds it. You will never know the true meaning of love, if you can't love yourself. Self-love is the most important and most irreplaceable thing without needing someone. If you truly accept your flaws and imperfections, you will never get hurt by others. Everything in this world has ending and limitations. Everyone can give us pain and everyone can be an unforgettable person. But you, by your own, must limits yourself from people. Not because you're afraid but because you learned and you know your worth. You will not settle for less, because you know what you deserve. When people hurt you for the first time, it's their choice, but when people hurt you again, it's your choice because you let them in again.

We encounter different problems in our lives but there are so many ways to cope up with it. Problems is just a test to strengthen us however it will also teach us a lesson. We meet different types of people that we always socialize so we must conquer all our fears for us to have a good relationship with them. It might have a gap or barrier but you know how to communicate so you will not left behind and you will also know how to limit yourself from people. Meeting different kinds of people taught us how to know the good and bad, the real and fake and the one who'll stay and not. We learn on communicating different kinds of people and we also understand how to know them well. We must not push people away from us, if you know that they're not good for you, just limit yourself but never push them away. However if some people are good for you but they're keep on leaving you, never push yourself to them. Learn how to let go and how to hold on. Let go to those people who've cause you pain and hold on for those persons who've never leave you and will always be there for you.

Economical

The society has a lot of struggles, thus we call it economical struggles, but some of these struggles are stuff we don’t take much time to think of in our daily lives. This blog will help us learn others struggles and their solution

A.) Hard Choices: Needs VS Wants

When thinking of the most basic steps in saving money, we must learn the difference of needs and wants. Sometimes, the painful lesson of realizing that even though we really want something we don't actually need it!

Our needs are the things we must have to sustain us day to day: food, shelter, clothing, personal care items, and in most cases safe, reliable transportation. While, wants are something you would like to have but do not need, a new car, expanded cable or a new pair of shoes.

But even within the needs category, the lines can blur. We must have food every day, but we don’t need to dine out to get it. We must be fully clothed to go out in public, but we don’t need the latest fashions just to be ‘in’.

Personally as a teenager, I need to admit that most of the time I always choose my wants, I already have shoes but I always want something new, I can eat in a local canteen but I chose to eat fast food. These are only a few examples of the choices millennial people. We’ve become a culture of want, addicted to the rush of newness and convinced it’s the road to happiness.

We are so fond of following the trends we see in social media or anywhere that sometimes we take our budget for granted, people don’t know how to be contented on what they have. Their phone is still working but seeing the new model makes them think they need a new one, our parents cooks our meals but we chose to eat fast food, to think that many of the things we want can sometimes be bad for us like fast food and expensive things because people will be in debt. Contentment is the only thing we should have to distinguish what we need in order to live, but what are the ways to find contentment?

First, you should look around and evaluate everything you already have. Chances are you’re far exceeding your basic needs in almost every area. Second, avoid advertisements as much as possible by unsubscribing from retailers’ promotional emails, recording television shows and skipping through commercials, and carefully choosing the online content you consume. Break the habit of going digital ‘window shopping’ when you’re bored. Third, practice the One-In-One-Out rule, it simply means that any time you bring a new item into your home, you must get rid of one that’s the same or similar. So, new pair of shoes, old pair of shoes out. New baseball cap in, old baseball cap out. Forth, appreciate what you have, When you find things that you want to buy or do that you currently can't afford, it becomes all too easy to focus on those things to the point of overlooking what you already have, we should be thankful for being fortunate to own such things because not anyone can have what we have and stop wanting more because something is better than nothing.

“Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty.” —Socrates

There were many reasons we chose to become minimalist and simplify our lives. Contentment is the lifeblood of minimalism. And without it, the journey towards minimalism is short-lived. Discontent will always rear its ugly head and become a great obstacle to fully thriving in a simple life. So let’s be contented and appreciate everything we have right now.

B.) Education: Needs Vs. Wants

Money is something that is hard to earn but easy to spend. It is a necessity since we use it for education, transportation and other daily expenses. People have been using it for many expenses resulting to shortage of money.

Education takes up a long time to finish. Some people say that money is not necessarily needed in order to finish your studies as long you have perseverance, determination, goals and etc. But no, it is wrong. There are times that everyone must acquire money for school. Students who live far from their school must have money for their transportation whether it is for jeepney, bus or train. Students who doesn't have time to prepare their packed lunch must have money to buy food. In order for students to pass, group or individual projects must be completed and school events that should be participated for additional grades. Students from public or private school, both requires financial support.

Everybody has a right to study. That is why parents must be responsible to support their children's education. They should plan ahead of time and save up to avoid such struggles. Parents must avoid depending on debts. They should also avoid having bad habits like smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol often and buying unnecessary things. It is relevant to consult trusted banks for better secured savings. They should make a habit of packing lunch for their children instead of giving them money daily. It would be important for parents to teach their children about saving money so that when the time comes they know how to limit spending the money.

C.) Budgeting: Needs Vs. Wants

Budgeting is the act of saving ones money in order to prioritize the things that a person or a group of people should buy. Budgeting could be in the form of listing (writing, typing, mental writing of a list) or making your mentality “I shouldn’t buy my wants because I need to buy my needs”.

A personal experience I could share about Budgeting is; When I was an elementary student, I used to have budgeting problems because of the lack of guidance I got. I use to spend tons and tons of my money on my wants. However, there came a time that I really wanted something and my parents asked what had happened to the money they told me to keep. I hadn’t gotten that thing I wanted, and so from then on I started budgeting more, always prioritizing and mentally making a list of things I need and I don’t need, always having reserved money at my back pocket and always scattering my money in case of emergency.

The solution I can suggest for those that think budgeting is hard, would be: a.) plan your money on a weekly basis rather than daily. Ask for you allowance for the week rather than for the day, or save up on the previous week so you don’t use this week’s allowance. B.) Always keep in mind that there is going be something more valuable that you are going need so always leave a big amount of money in your savings. C.) even if your allowance or money is only for the day, try thinking that it’s for 3 days. It helps with the “I’ll buy this next time” mentality.

I hope that this blog helps you a lot and never stop loving yourself. Tell yourself that you are unique and cool! ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ✿

#Physical mental emotional economical problems #problems #teenager problems #Guide in teenage problems

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joshslater · 6 years

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Hitting Jock Bottom

I felt like shit. The throbbing headache told me to stay in bed. Actually, wise from hangovers past I should go and drink water and then take a nap and hope things would turn out better the next time I wake up. Those thoughts quickly went through my mind, still foggy from whatever had transpired the night before. I didn't remember what had happened nor how I had gotten here, but this was definitely not my bed.

Harsh white light lit the sparse, tiled room as I opened my eyes. I was strapped on some sort of gurney that was tilted at an angle between lying down and standing up. My body was secured, but I could move my head around enough to see that I wore something resembling a dark blue wetsuite. Cables and tubes where attached to various points and snaked away to a cluster of machines and drip bags to my right. Still groggy, and more confused than scared, I was trying to sort through all the different sensations. Most prominent of all was something big was stuck in my mouth, and I felt like I needed to take a dump.

*squeak*

The sound when I bit down resembled a doggy squeaky toy.

*squeak*

Before I had any time to consider this new, perplexing weirdness a door opened and closed behind me and a man in white shirt, tie and labcoat came into view.

"I do apologise, we are a bit understaffed at the moment. I try to be present for every arrival". He checked something on one of the machines next to me. "Good, good. Just waking up I see. Welcome to Goldfarb Body Shop and Repairs. I imagine you are feeling some confusion at the moment. It's perfectly normal when our services are purchased for someone else. My name is Rob, and I will take care of your process initiation."

My head still hurt like hell and very little of this made sense, beside the feeling confused part. Rob was in his forties and looked every bit like a lab technician. A lab technician who was high on sugar and couldn't wait to talk to other people.

Rob picked up a clipboard and quickly eyed the first two pages. "Let's start with the basics. As I think I heard, you have already figured out how to use the signalling device in your mouth piece. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but we've had so much problem with people just screaming. Totally ruins the schedule. I would like you to signal once for yes, twice for no and three times to have the question repeated. Do you understand?"

*squeak*

"Excellent! Are you Jonathan Brent, social security number 078-05-1120?"

*squeak*

"Great. It would be so embarrassing to have the wrong person. In the old days we used to invite people to retreats through sham lottery winnings and have them participate in yoga and meditation, and slowly work with them from there, but the way technology has progressed we don't need any cooperation at all anymore. A bit less personal but so much more efficient."

He looked at the clipboard once again. "So someone has purchased, for you, one of our discount packages. Great value! This one is called 'jock bottom'. We are so lucky to have such a creative sales and marketing team. This bundle contains four transformation modules, well three of any substance. We have Muscleman, Meathead, Cunting and then our QA/Design module. I'll explain all of them briefly."

Muscleman, Meathead and Cunting. Whatever this place was and what they were planning to do, I didn't like the sound of any of them. Well, muscleman didn't sound terrible, but I've never been that interested in anything physical. I do the occasional jog and play some volley at the beach, but nothing regular. And I don't even know what cunting means.

Rob continued "Muscleman is about 50% of the transformation effort in the bundle. We'll use state of the art, fast acting genetic editing and gene therapy to overhaul the genetic makeup of your body. Then a combination of stem cells, hormone manipulation and viral reconstruction to actually express those genes as physical changes. In addition to biochemistry we have a set of contraptions that can force tissue to build how and where we want it."

He was looking up from the clipboard and looking into my eyes. "It gets much easier if you cooperate with all given instructions. We will not sacrifice the quality of our work, it just take different amount of time to get there. The changes are pronounced, profound and permanent, to quote our motto."

This is terrible! Somehow someone somewhere has paid these guys to force me into becoming a some sort of body builder. Who does that? How is that technology even possible?

"The Muscleman module also has a small educational component where we ensure that the target has the needed knowledge, skill and motivation to keep the body in great condition long after QA acceptance. This is done, in addition to reinforcing genetic changes, through psycotherapy and metabolic conditioning." Rob was clearly reading marketing text from the clipboard. "The end result is multiple layers of reinforcing behaviors. Eating triggers restlessness triggers excersie. Excersise triggers hunger trigers eating."

"Now the second module is the Meathead module. It's about 20% of the transformation and is a bit more involved than it first appears. First it reinforces the mental conditioning from the Muscleman module, and adds significantly more knowledge and interest in physical activities. But it also removes some of the previous drives and abilities of the target."

This was getting worse and worse.

*squeak* *squeak*

Rob looked up from the clipboard, distracted from his reading. "What? Ah. No? No, it's all already being ordered and paid for, but don't worry, there will be plenty of opportunity to give feedback and consent later. Where were we, yes Meathead. We will run a series of tests in an MRI where we will map your brain. Then we'll insert articulated, microscopic wires through your nose and into your brain, cut out small sections and replace them with stem cells with DNA we coded. You'll see major results instantly after the operation! We'll then stimulate the brain with the right chemicals, electrical impulses and sensory data, and you'll know 50 different ways of excersising your deltoid in no time." He looked up again, excitedly going off script. "We have this cool transcranial stimulation head gear you put on, and then every movement you do while you wear it you will be able to replicate exactly afterwards. Dead lifts, break dance, karate chops, you name it! Super cool. Well, you will not use it for karate or dancing though."

No fucking way! Replacing parts of the brain. Reprogramming? These people are sick.

"Then we have the Cunting module. This is also mainly a behavior module, but it will turn you into a very submissive, very promiscuous homosexual. The principle is the same as the Meathead module, but instead of cramming sports teams and being rewarded for squatting correctly, you'll be flooded with gay porn and being conditioned with chemically induced orgasms on anal stimulation. I can promise you that you will love it. After all, the point is that you should love it so much you would arrange your life around sucking dick, getting fucked and working out."

WTF!

"The last 10% is spent on quality assurance and design. We'll remove genetic problems, administer a broad set of vaccinations, slow down aging, etc. This is a standard module for all our work. Good for you to know is that it includes HIV immunity and protects against all known long term STDs. The design part is that one of our character designer will spend 30 minutes to review your build and allocate some minor work to make it coherent. Since there is no purely cosmetic change included in your package, except for the muscles, perhaps the designer will move the hairline forward to make a more youthful look, or broaden the nose a bit to make you look imposing."

Getting massive muscles and being forced to keep them was a survivable event. Some people get stuck in wheel chairs. Some people need to inject insulin daily. Having to eat clean and go to the gym was really nothing compared to that. Having the brain rearranged was way worse, but I could suffer a stroke. Becoming some sort of muscle-homo-sub was something different entirely. How the fuck could I get out of this?

"We're a bit pressed on time, as I mentioned, so I'll get right to it. We have a set of customization options to run you through. All are simply select one option out of three. Just signal once for option one, twice for two, three times for three and four times to have them repeated."

"The first option is selecting the major profile for the Meathead module. This one is important and informs a lot of the following customizations, so pay attention. Option 1 is called 'jock' and is the standard athletic option. Lot's of interest in sports, both as a participant and as an observer, spending your nights in areans or sports bars. Option 2 is called 'douche' and is the party and exhibitionist option. You'll spend your time in bodybuilding competitions, getting photographed, or clubbing. Finally option 3 is called "bear" and is the strongman option. This includes lumberjack, handyman or motorcycle specializations, with nights in leather bars or truck stops."

I'm not playing this fucking game. If I'm not saying anything it is something that happens to me, not something I've done.

"Once for jock, twice for douche, thrice for bear. You should know that the Muscleman module isn't affected, so the muscled build will look the same regardless of option here. The focus is primarily muscle size and secondly strength. Agility, stamina or coordination are not something actively worked on, but possible to train yourself of course."

We look at each other in silence. I can't tell from his voice if he is mocking or serious when he misunderstands my silence.

"I know it is difficult to make a decision. I'll put a time limit of 30 seconds per question and pick something for you. We do typically alter the body hair to match each major theme. Jock gets pretty standard body hair, but clean back and chest, douche gets no hair below the neck and bear gets hair everywhere. There is also some differences in skin tanning."

After presumably 30 seconds he continues.

"OK, let's go with option 1. Jock is our most popular option. It's in the name of the package after all. Let's continue with some specifics. For every question you can either select what you find most exciting today, or what you would like to find exciting. If you pick something you already love, that will make the transition easier. So, what sport are you most interested in. One football, two hockey or three soccer?"

I continue my silent treatment. I'm not much into any of them anyway.

"OK, let's go with soccer. That's big internationally, so there is always something to watch. Next, what would you prefer out of basket, baseball or lacrosse?"

...

"Nothing? Not yet a sports fan, eh? Let's mix it up with something more niche and pick lacrosse. Final sport, MMA, Boxing or Wrestling?"

I have looked at a some wrestling, but being a fan is a bit of a stretch.

"Let's go with MMA then. Final question in this module: do you prefer Sweatpants, basketball shorts or compression shorts? I should mention that the questions going forward are a bit reflective. With the full homosexual module, there is really no difference between what you like to wear and what you are attracted to."

How could I relate to that question, even if I wanted to answer. Would I like to be attracted to men in sweatpants? I don't want to be fucking attracted to men at all!

"Basketball shorts then! We're almost there. Just a few simple customizations in the cunting module. What excites you the most? Licking asses, licking feet or licking armpits?"

Fuck! I can't let it be asses. What is best of feet or armpits? What is least worst?

*squeak* *squeak* ... *squeak*

"Oh, we got some interest. Licking armpits it will be. What ejaculations would you be most excited about? In your mouth, in your ass, or both at the same time?"

Is being fucked better or worse than giving a blow job? You would be more in control of a blow job, but you would have to do all the work for it. Both at the same time is clearly worse. Why do I even have to think about this?

*squeak*

"Excellent! An upcoming supreme fellator. Finally an ethnic question. What would you find most attractive? Middle eastern men, northen Latin American men or west African men?"

For a split second I felt very racist as I rejected each of the alternatives. What would be worse though? I imagine trying to find muslims to suck off could backfire in so many ways? Black or Latino then? I really have no idea what their gay communities look like.

*squeak* *squeak* *squeak*

"West African men it is. So, if I've noted everything down correctly you want to become a jock with special interest in soccer, lacrosse and MMA, attracted to West African men wearing basketball shorts, who you most would like to lick their armpits and have them ejaculate in your mouth. Is that correct?"

*squeak*

"Excellent! It's such a waste of time when people don't consent after all that work. All of this would be a loss and we would have to refund the money."

FUCK! *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *pfff* ...

Rob turned a small knob on the mouth piece that turned off the toy sound.

"So, we will go right ahead and synthesize the DNA and inject that in a few hours. Then you'll basically be knocked out and in fever for the better part of a week while the major rewrite happens. We'll do the brain mapping towards the end and perform the minor surgeries after that. Then one week of initial programming while the surgeries heal and the initial set of tissue stem cell injections start to grow. Week three and forward will be a daily rotation of gym time, injections and programming, mostly in the fuck lab. With your cooperation we could be done as quickly as 10 weeks."

FUCK NO! FUCK NO!

"While we wait for those viruses to be completed we are going to run you through a cleansing sequence. You can see it as a full body enema, so we can implant a new set of bacteria more helpful to our goals."

He pressed a few buttons and the gurney tilted back almost to a flat position. Some sort of numbing fluid was spraying in my mouth after which something started extending down my throat. At the same time I could feel the plug in my ass inflating and altering its configuration.

Part #2

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sinesalvatorem · 6 years

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Finding Friendly Frequencies For Fish

Content: Wild animal suffering, discussion of the experiential lives of marine animals, speculative plans to improve them, and caring a lot about music.

Yesterday I was in a sociological discussion group where, while discussing big picture world-saving projects, I happened to float one of my ideas for combating wild animal suffering. The people in the group seemed to have a generally positive impression of the idea, so I thought I might as well write up a clear overview of it online. (Plus I have Tumblr asks on my world-saving plans from folks like @gatherers-incorporated, so here’s one answer):

Due to human activity, the oceans are now buzzing with industrial noise. A lot of it is chronic noise from the high volume of shipping we do, while some of it is acute sonic devastation caused using massive pulses of sound for things like sonar and oil prospecting.

The problem is, we aren’t pumping all this noise into a vacuum - the ocean is alive, and the things that live in it are being tortured pretty much continuously by a screaming din from all directions. Living in an acoustic hell can have all sorts of detrimental effects for humans - if you don’t believe me, imagine living in a screeching subway car - but this can be even more extreme for animals whose primary means of perceiving the world is through sound.

Cornell University’s marine bioacoustics expert Christopher Clark, when asked about the effects of seismic surveys on whales, said:

We don’t have all the details on that yet. But we can show that there are entire sections of the ocean — 100,000-square-mile areas at a time — that are awash in this sound and where whales just leave the area or shut up completely. We noticed them trying to hide behind rocks to escape in a sound shadow when seismic surveys were being conducted along the California coast. Some of the gray whales actually came right into the surf — we could see their bodies in the breaking waves — to try to get away from this. Hey, if I lived in the ocean and every ten seconds there was a brain-rattling explosion, I’d try to get away, too!

But Clark actually suspects the effects on large whales are less severe than on smaller animals:

In fact, I would argue that the whales are fairly robust. They can tolerate pretty severe acoustic conditions. But with fish, we just don’t know. The Norwegians have conducted some good research that has shown that the fish are moving out of noisy areas, and that the survival rate of the newly spawned young are greatly decreased when there are high noise levels. And science is only just beginning to pay attention to what the invertebrates are doing — the squid, the shrimp.

OK, so we know we’re scaring them away and killing their babies. What else have we learned empirically? For that, one of the best sources I’ve found is Lindy Weilgart 2018, on the impacts of noise on fish and invertebrates. Just the abstract is downright horrifying. Here are two excerpts:

Noise impacts on development include body malformations, higher egg or immature mortality, developmental delays, delays in metamorphosing and settling, and slower growth rates. Zooplankton suffered high mortality in the presence of noise. Anatomical impacts from noise involve massive internal injuries, cellular damage to statocysts and neurons, causing disorientation and even death, and hearing loss. Damage to hearing structures can worsen over time even after the noise has ceased, sometimes becoming most pronounced after 96 hrs. post-noise exposure. Even temporary hearing loss can last months.

Being hit by a blast of sound underwater when your own body consists of a tiny sack of water is apparently physically harmful. It causes serious damage to existing bodily structures, as well as the ability to develop new ones with maturation. I would probably liken it to being thrown against a wall. Hard. During a seismic survey, maybe every 10 seconds. However, even when the noise isn’t causing “massive internal injuries”, it’s still injurious to the psyches of fish. Because, well, how the hell can they think in this mess?

Stress impacts from noise are not uncommon, including higher levels of stress hormones, greater metabolic rate, oxygen uptake, cardiac output, parasites, irritation, distress, and mortality rate, sometimes due to disease and cannibalism; and worse body condition, lower growth, weight, food consumption, immune response, and reproductive rates. DNA integrity was also compromised, as was overall physiology. Behaviorally, animals showed alarm responses, increased aggression, hiding, and flight reactions; and decreased anti-predator defense, nest digging, nest care, courtship calls, spawning, egg clutches, and feeding. Noise caused more distraction, producing more food-handling errors, decreased foraging efficiency, greater vulnerability to predation, and less feeding. Schooling became uncoordinated, unaggregated, and unstructured due to noise. Masking reduced communication distance and could cause misleading information to be relayed.

Pictured here: A fish leaning in real hard to hear his mate at a party, except there is no party and his mate has internal bleeding.

Basically, when sufficiently stressed by the fact that THEIR ENTIRE WORLD IS SCREAMING AT THEM AT ALL TIMES AND THEY DON’T KNOW WHY, fish fall apart. In particular, they fall apart in a remarkably human way: They live by a hair trigger, become aggressive and flighty, and stop devoting their energy toward maintenance and improving the future. No more nest-digging; no more nest-care; no more seeking mates; no more children. How can you even think about tomorrow when the screaming is happening RIGHT NOW.

As I’m a very musically inclined person, I feel like the only way to really get this is to hear it in song. As it happens, you can! Ends by clipping. is about how dysfunctional living the ghetto is, but the amazing thing about it is that it’s self-demonstrating. It strategically recruits (mild) noise pollution into the substance of the music, by making you sense what it feels like to have your whole life narrow down due to living on the edge. The experience of the song is the experience of a life too constrained to make a story out of it. You can’t fit a beginning, middle, and end into life in the hood.

youtube

Once upon a time *drum motif begins, as if starting a story, but then trails off into ambient noise without resolution* Once upon a time, there was a middle of the story But fuck it, they need some ends Shoot up in the air See if it come down See if it come down Don’t look now

The psychological experience of living within that song is the experience of living in the ocean today. It’s what it feels like to be a fish while your world is screaming. When it doesn’t feel like there’s enough space to construct a life, because everywhere around you is saturated with hostile energy. Once upon a time, there was a middle to their lives, but fuck it, we wanted shipping. Blast sound into the sea. See who it’ll hurt. See who it’ll hurt. Don’t look now.

OK, so it seems we’re torturing trillions of lifeforms at all times. What now? There are already various initiatives around that aim to deal with acute noise pollution, like the seismographic surveys that make whales try to beach themselves. However, as far as I’m aware, no one is focused on solving the problem of noise pollution from shipping (if you know who is, please point me to them!). This is despite the fact that commercial shipping is probably responsible for the majority of the chronic sonic suffering we inflict on small animals.

Which is why it’s the focus of one of my world-saving projects. The goal is to get basically all large ships to run their propellers and internal machinery at frequencies that are harmonic intervals of all the other ships. Basically, I want every ocean-going vessel to sing in the same key, so that fish swim through music instead of screaming.

Some of this will require research. The most basic version of this proposal would require that all machinery be run at frequencies that are 2^x of some base frequency. However, this would seriously limit the amount of control ships have over their speed and maneuvering, so it might be a hard sell. Luckily, there are more harmonics than just overtones - it’s just not yet clear how more complex harmonics affect various nonhuman animals.

I’d like to conduct research into empirical, cross-species music theory, so we can learn if the harmonic intervals that sound pleasant to humans are also pleasant to sound-sensing beings in general. I expect that in the course of further abstraction, the final “Aquatic Scale” we end up with, as an ideal for pleasant fish lives and giving ships more degrees of freedom, will look quite different from existing music within the Western twelve tone system. However, I certainly intend to start by building on the existing body of Western music theory.

Then there’s the small matter of getting people to actually do it. This will probably involve a lot of interfacing with various political machines to pass various regulations which are in practice worse than the pure idea. Oh well. Any important work means learning how to deal with the existing institutions. My hope is that it’ll be easier to do if instead of asking people to tone down their activity, they’re just required to shift into any of a long spectrum of Schelling point frequencies.

This would, however, require that people actually care at all. That might be a little difficult in the current social and moral climate, where people still argue about whether the suffering of pigs matters, and few spare a thought for fish.

However, even here I’m hopeful. I think the current trends toward expanding circles of concern will make people more generally concerned about suffering. I think the vegan movement and increasing identification between people and their pets is causing a long-run increase in concern for animal welfare. And I think it’s actually possible to make people care by getting them to really understand how fish feel (and, yes, I don’t think you get those obvious patterns of stress response without them feeling the stress), and the ways this parallels parts of our own experience.

Plus, I’m not even asking people to stop eating fish! Unlike factory farmed land animals, I think most of the suffering to fish due to the human consumption of them occurs during the relatively short period during and right after being caught. It would be nice if even that didn’t happen to them, but it’s further down my priority list. There’s no ethical consumption under later capitalism or heterotrophic biology. Rather, I’d like to find as many ways as possible to get two seemingly-opposed parties to in fact move around each other without harm. Coordinating ships on a couple of frequencies to free up the water for life is one of them.

Finally, one of the reasons we should make the ocean into a symphony is because we can. We’re already completely remaking the sound architecture of the ocean right now. The power is here right now and being used to create a hell on earth by accident. We live in a modern world with precious few obvious miracles, but here an opportunity to make one is staring us in the face. We can turn the oceans to song. We can turn the oceans to song.

In a sense, they already are. The pulsations of life underwater do tend to sync up with each other, and with higher-order cycles such as tides. The continuity of frequencies like these have caused the rest of nature to build itself around it. What if we laid laid down our own frequencies? An underwater monument to our civilisation, to be known by trillions in the deep.

Once we were foolish. We poisoned the world in a thousand ways. We were confused and disorganised and sung a cacophony of a million dissonant voices. But then we grew up, and we learned to clean up our messes. We are sorry for the pain, and what we leave in its place is the song of our people. For it would great wonder bring to make the very oceans sing.

#animal welfare #effective altruism #science #marine biology #music #mother visible #long post cw

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