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inkskinned · 9 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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numberonepartyboy · 20 days

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2 dr doodles i made while watching s2.....i don't remember the context after the kai one but the 2nd is what if arin found out that sora has made them believe that they can finally do spinjitzu on objects.... i kinda just wanted to see them be angry lol

#USE SHE/HER 4 KAI AND THEY/THEM 4 ARIN #ninjago spoilers #dragons rising spoilers #what other tags do ppl use #ninjago #dragons rising #ninjago arin #kai jiang #creation tag #doodle tag #i also wanted to give bangs to kai but idk how to make the hair look cool....and not stupid #anyways if you see the error with arins eye. you dont. what r u talking about #also arins hair is more voluminous bc i just stared at theur hair for too long. i like the squiggles on the hair it looks v cool

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azuneekun · 27 days

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i come check ur blog everytime my friends slander shane to my face. its a type of shane palette cleanser. ur the only mf who gets me

Im glad you can feel some sort of sanctuary in my blog bcz shane fans r always going through the fucking trenches in this fandom

#i just went through facebook looking at a page that did not ask for permission posting my art (i gave up) and im reading thru the comments #and most of them r just slandering shane left and right like CAN U GET OUT #i know that old man is stinky!!! now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE 👉🚪#i keep getting shit in reddit too everytime i post shane. this never happens w the other characters 😂#they all complain abt me drawing shane “handsome” like idk how to tell these ppl but can u fuckin imagine if i drew shane more poorly than #everyone else LMFAOOOOOOOOOO #like even if im not a fan of a character i wouldnt draw them intentionally 'ugly' 😭😂 there would always be someone who loved that person #ppl r entitled to their own opinion ofc and we cant stop them for not liking shane but they dont have to rub it in our face either 😭😂#i normally just avoid/ignore ppl who dont like shane (obviously. incredibly normal thing to do.) but shane haters will go to shane fans #and shit right in their front yard and personal spaces lmfaooo 😭😂 good lord #sorry for the yelling in the tags

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puppyeared · 2 months

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i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!!#and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!!#but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right'#fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

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m-kyunie · 1 year

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starting off yullen week w/a screencap that I choose to over-analyze for my agenda. episode 17

#dgm #D.Gray-Man #yullen #allen walker #kanda yuu #yes i understand imma be the only one doing anything leave me alone #yullentide back in the day was 18-30 but i didnt post art then. too young lol #anyws imma post every other day til the 30th #BUT i will post for Allen's bday so that throws it off a bit but yeah!#idk kinda think this doesnt even look like my art LMAO like their faces r wonky....but its ok bc i dont care regardless #should i tag as yullen week that feels extra embarrassing n sad #me putting a puppet show of DGM for the 4 ppl that actually care #anyway lets do it!

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badbadbuddy · 1 year

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that one arashi post about presenting her as overtly feminine in fan media but not in a "trans women are only valid if they conform to traditional femininity" kinda way and more in a "happyele are a bunch of pussies for having a trans woman imply/state she wants to be more feminine in every sense of the word and then never letting her do so beyond socially" kinda way

#i cant remember if i rbd that on my old blog or this one??#but i am Thinking about it again #its smth i always try to be conscious about?? bc as a more man-leaning person i do not present masc 90% of the time #and i rlly dont feel pressured to present a certain way since im kinda all over the place when it comes to gender #and with arashi its like. the opposite?? like she feels pressured to present more masculine bc of her public status #but she WANTS to wear cute dresses and flowy skirts and big puffy blouses with obnoxiously large bows #the long hair is non negotiable i give all my faves a mullet whether they want it or not #i blame axel kingdom hearts for starting that trend #ensemble stars #enstars #arashi narukami #AND SOCIAL TRANSITION IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANY OTHER KIND #and for a lot of trans ppl thats enough!#but she is v clear about wanting to fit a more traditional feminine image bc she WANTS to. NOT bc shes EXPECTED to.#ok thats it i always get defensive for literally no reason whenever i draw her #i think its bc hiyori is there too and i feel like i dont make her as fem looking??? i just suck at drawing women idk man #if youre not androgynous/slightly fem looking or literally built like yoshiya kiryu i cannot draw you sorry #iamtryingforchiakiiamTRYING

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feline-evil · 2 months

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Dethvanity is really funny to me conceptually as an episode because you can see how little they had to make the characters insecure about for the bit. They swing for obvious lowblow choices with Pickle' baldness and Nathan's weight and even those require some suspension of disbelief because ok. Sure. Nathan '(said extremely proudly) never skipped a meal in my life!' Explosion is insecure about being a big man now. Nathan *guy who everyone thinks is smoking hot 99% of the time* Explosion is a tiny bit larger than usual and is insecure about it now. Lol. Lmao even.

But anyway then we hit Skwisgaar and Toki and there's like NOTHING to swing for, you can see them going uhhh ok Skwis doesn't sleep he probably drinks a lot of coffee, and Toki? Shit, what does Toki have to be insecure about with his looks. He's perfect, he's adorable, he's ripped. Um. FUCK IT, HE'S DOING NOTHING BUT EATING LEMONS. WE GOT NOTHING, WE GOT NOTHING, JUST GIVE THE BOY CITRUS FRUITS.

WOE 🍋 BE UPON YE

I'm sure i could make some smarter points about the attempts at applying vanity in this ep and how outside of this and a few other moments i do actually like that the show rarely takes pot shots at things like Nathan's weight, but you see Nathan has shirtless scenes in this one and so my intelligence is impeded when all the blood rushes out of my head and into my-

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I LOVE TOKI'S LEMON EATING CHALLENGE HES ON IN THIS EP. BABY YR STRANGE AND PECULIAR #pickles being insecure abt balding is funny too. my man has chosen a hairstyle that is actively making that worse for himself #buddy if u didnt have whiteguy dreads impromise yr hair wld be healthier. but we love u for yr octopus swag anyway <3 #also hi nathan dont listen to the tv listen to me you look great. hi hello. im unsheathing my sword to cut down anyone who makes u feel bad #EVERYBODY IN UNIVERSE IS A COWARD. ITS BIG BOY SEASON. COME GET U ONE #dethvanity isnt in my list of favs i think most its humour is rlly easy lowballs but i find it funny for reasons outside of that #which is namely the show trying to make charavters insecure abt things when they absolutely are not any other time lmao #trying to find things to make skwis and toki insecure abt but theres NOTHING. ITS RLLY FUNNY #listen. putting my hand on everyones shoulder. lets not ignore the elephant in the room this show is uh #OFTEN VERY FATPHOBIC. so its no bastion of rep just cuz it doesnt take all the pot shots it cld at nathans body #it still does take some and theres plently of fatphobia outside of nathans character #but i do like that nathan is a bigger guy and outside of a few eps thats just treated as smth fine! its not remarked on outside of those!#and i think his body is drawn really well and i like that hes permitted to be sexy and to be like. seen with his body out just as much #as like anyone else in the band. like yeah duh nathan explosion is sexy in universe ppl are rocking with this. AS THEY SHOULD BE #idk like i say. not denying the show its fatphobia just saying i like how nathan is treated and portrayed a lot of the time :]

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unfulfilled-jury · 3 months

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wtf is happening in hsr why are people hyping up hanabi/sparkles being racist towards adventurine who's canonically based off romani people. why is adventurine, a heavy romani inspired character, blonde and fully white. why is adventurine quite literally discriminated against and even portrayed as harmful romani stereotypes (a smooth talker, a thief, promiscuos). why is the fucking fandom boiling it down to "omg she called him gay and a bottom" when she's actually describing the sort of physical punishment/demoralizing actions the romanis would face. what the fuck hoyoverse.

#if your point is “well people can write bigoted characters” I still need to tap the sign #hyv is only ok writing racism when it happens to a fully white passing and presenting character #and the fandom these games have cultivated don't seem to be capable of treating a character being discriminated against as anything more #than a joke #if you dont see an issue with the fandom “woobifying” and mhy appropriating the experience of marginalized groups for a character who you-#wouldn't be able to tell is romani w/o the weird stereotypes everyone else imposes on him #that's your issue #turning off reblogs because I actually don't want ppl sharing this around this is my stupid rant to the void #idk how to do comments I rarely post og stuff #I am really fucking hoping the shit I am seeing is not all true #because what the actual fucking fuck #apparently other characters are racist too #like dr ratio #why are. you all. shipping those two #I am so fucking serious #why is mhy only portraying racism when the one they are being racist towards is clearly white passing #none of that fucking “ooo his eyes are magical!!” bullshit #hyv you are a fucking coward and so is anyone who stands for this shit #hsr

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sylphwing · 20 days

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hm. i do not like chilshi 🤔

#sylph.txt #everyone likes to joke abt how much of an epic divorce man chilchuck is #but i dont think he ever even refers to her as his ex-wife. i could b wrong bc it's been a while since i read it tho #idk a lot of his arc is him learning to b more open w others (which is essentially what ended his relationship)#and u can see how much he's grown in the chapter where senshi goes into his past #to me it would b a lot sweeter for him to take on these lessons and go back to her and make things work #it's been 4 years but he's remained loyal to her depite their issues. idk to me it rlly does feel like he still loves her he's just a fool #it's made p clear that he's a coward and that he's quick to run away so actually committing to her would b a nice way to wrap things up #we don't get to see much of his wife so i get y ppl r quick to put him w the only other man in the party #but like senshi knows abt his wife too like i do not think he's gnna b making any moves here bc he has morals lmao #(*only other older man in the party. laios doesn't qualify for old man yaoi to most chilshi likers)#(even tho chilchuck isn't old either but shh they don't care abt that)#when it comes to senshi the changeling chapter def helped him w understanding how old the rest of the party is #but he clearly still views them as significantly younger than him #i don't think he views chil as a child anymore but for the majority of their time together he did #and so going from that to in a relationship is uhh rlly weird to me!#senshi has always taken a sort of parental role upon himself #w him romance is no where as interesting as the platonic bonds he has w the rest of the party #similar to how romance is entirely unimportant to izutsumi in the succubus chapter #idk i def don't hate the pairing and there r some takes on it that i find funny #but for me i just don't see anything between them i think ppl just want an m/m ship to play with #that ao3 gap is only gnna get bigger lmao

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coridallasmultipass · 11 days

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Bros only. You're not invited.

#idk lol i was in my dirk shirt all day and like #it takes 2 seconds to put on the shades and gloves #why not do a casual lol #i just restuffed my pillows after washing the cases so i was like... man lets get some brodirk up in this home #(dont forget cal in the equation tho brocal is 4lyfe)#(i just havent gotten around to remaking cal yet so pillow will have 2 do)#fuck what if i threw on bro and took another brobro pic #homestuck #homestuck cosplay #dirk #dirk strider #casual cosplay #me #selfie #striders #413 #its awk lighting bc my lightbulb right here is orange (i have pink and red also in other parts of my room lol)#i dont feel like burning my eyes w the ceiling light #ramble ramble lol idk what to tag this bro #brodirk #stridercest #(implied ig just tagging bc ppl are weird about it now)#brocal #mmmm what tag uhhhh #cosplay #even tho this hardly qualifies lol #bro #lil cal #i still wanna do a full dirk cosplay again its just.. the hair.. i dont wanna gel it.. it takes a blowdryer to get the zero grav lift #...and thats too much effort when im the only one who cares lol

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soldier-poet-king · 5 months

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Mmmmm reading systems collapse and the deep persistent ache abt murderbot and ART's friendship. Btw. If u even care.

#fran reads #head full of many thots but i need to finish the book first #but fundamentally. their friendship is absolutely my fave thing about the series #i am. very attached to them.#but like. emotions. non human personhood. extreme anxiety risk assessment constantly running #too many big bad emotions idk how to process so i am going to watch media about it #and then explain my life experiences via narrative features from said media bc idk how else to be a person or relate to the world #like!!! i get it!!!! my awkward not a real person ass is out here like!!!! i do that!!!!#its not bc i dont want to live and have real experiences its bc idk how and i was a weird isolated kid and a neurodivergent adult #and thats how i understand the world!!!#it is v big and scary and terrible and beautiful and having a frame of reference via fictional narrative to process ur owj experiences #its crucial????#and i don't mean in a terminally online cannot separate ficiton from reality way #i mean in a storytelling is what ppl do way. not just to be entertained. but to reflect ourselves and understand ourselves. and each other!!#im!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ART's you know i am not kind. to mb when it insists it wouldve been kinder to kill it #I WEPT

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silenthillbunni · 1 day

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🐰🌧️

#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

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puppyeared · 3 months

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i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

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echoesofadream · 5 months

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i dont trust any big scale production of animal products but i think free range organic eggs is the best i can do cause i dont know anyone with hens that can sell me eggs on a regular basis. That would be good though if i could get in contact with a small hen farm. Also are eggs bad for you im only doing this if its good for my body nothing else