#like even if im not feeling that unease im still Thinking about it like omg

[peachesofteal]

Firstly, I love your writing-- I eat it up like Im starved. Secondly, I LOVE omegaverse dead disco. It's so good omg. I'm begging for more if you feel like writing. Simon and Johnny realizing darling left the flat and panicking to find her. Comforting eachother because they feel so guilty for not catching on to the fact that darling was lying about the suppressants.

hope you have a great day/night!!! xx

Ahh love thank you so much for your support! I’m so happy you’re enjoying them 🩵

Takes place after this.

18+ MDNI / dead disco omegaverse au / mature themes

You’re practically sedated between them. Johnny keeps himself pressed to your back, the warmth of his chest bleeding into your skin while you chuff in your sleep, little purrs and hums vibrating in your chest.

His knees stay tucked up behind yours, his arm under the pillow where your head lays, neck and glad exposed for his mouth, tongue flicking over your skin every few minutes to remind you, deep in your heat hazed sleep, that they’re there.

Simon’s laying on the other side, his chest pressed to yours, one arm draped over your waist and Johnny’s, occasionally stroking up and down your side. Whenever you tremble or fidget, he shushes you, soothing you with a rumble in his diaphragm until you’re slipping back under.

“How did we not know?” He whispers. Johnny lifts his head, peering over you to peek at his Alpha, his distraught face, worried eyes and brow furrowed low making his own anxiety pick up. He presses his nose to your neck and inhales deeply, licking over your gland before reaching to grip Simon’s hand tight.

“I… ‘m not sure. Why would she hide this?” He tries not to think about how long you’ve been dealing your heats on your own, trying to satisfy yourself, alleviate your own pain with toys that wouldn’t even come close.

And yet-

“She’s been exhausted, these past few months.” Simon reaches out to stroke his wrist along your gland, scooting even closer, lowering his lips to your forehead in a gentle kiss. “More tired than usual. More scattered. I’ve thought, maybe… she was going through a phase, trying to prepare for possibly… growing our family but this… I mean. The cleaning, the collecting of our clothes all the time-”

“The sheets.” Simon nods. The sheets have been fresh when they’ve come home, every other op. They thought it was because you were trying to clean for them, an unnecessary action considering they’d rather swim in a sea of blankets that smell like you and them together, but the flat had always been spotless too. Fridge scrubbed, bathroom shiny. They’d just assumed…

“I’m going to call her doctor.” Simon tells him lowly, and unease spikes in Johnny’s heart. It feels like an invasion of your privacy, a violation almost.

“It’s-“

“It’s our responsibility, as her mates. We’re supposed to be taking care of her. I can’t do that unless I have all the information.” You fidget, and they both still, voices silent while you purr and shift. “What if she’s sick?” Simon’s voice breaks, and Johnny closes his eyes, breathing through his nose against the widening pit in his stomach. You’re not sick, you’re not, you’re fine. You’re here, right here with them. In his arms- “Or what if something is wrong? And instead of telling us, she’s tried to deal with it on her own.” He can’t disagree with the last bit. If there was something wrong, you might feel like a burden, like you should be handling it yourself.

Why have you been suffering on your own? Why haven’t you come to them? Your mates? Why are you trying to self soothe? Have they done something wrong? Have they not been proper Alphas for you? What happened, before you came to them?

“She’s never indicated anything in her past that would be explain the self soothing.” Johnny murmurs, Simon nods gravely.

“We’re going to have a long conversation, after the heat.” Johnny’s arms tighten around, and he tries to not get lost in his own feelings. He wants to feel happy, feel excited about you not being on suppressants, like they’ve always dreamed of. Wants to relish in the opportunity to care for you in the most intimate ways, during your most vulnerable times.

But they can’t. He can’t. How could they be happy about this? You’re suffering. You’ve been suffering, lying, hiding yourself from them. All he feels is worry, sadness, guilt. They’ve been off having their ruts together while you’ve been alone, taking care of yourself and then hiding the evidence.

Simon sighs, and Johnny sees the same feelings in his eyes. The pain. The guilt.

“We let her down.” He whispers, and Simon nods.

“We should have been here, should have been paying better attention.” He shivers. “I know her moods, her tells better than anyone. I can’t believe I missed this.” Johnny squeezes his fingers, rubbing a thumb over the back of his knuckles in attempt to comfort him.

You whimper, hips shifting. You smell, a mixture of your sweat and the residual fear from your midnight escapade, dried slick and fresh. The heady, ripe heat flavor lingers beneath it all, but you need to be cleaned before anything happens.

Your hips press against his, rubbing, seeking. A small smile breaks through on his lips.

“Sweet Omega.” Johnny kisses you softly.

“Sweet, stubborn little Omega.” Simon agrees, and then strokes a hand down your back. “Let’s get you in a bath, darling.”

#peaches asks #peaches writes #dead disco omegaverse au

[sieglinde-freud]

but what if the entire lucina gang were sent to fates instead of just 3??

ANON IM SORRY THIS TOOK ME LIKE FIVE YEARS TO GET TO i got the ask and i was like “omg i literally have something in my notes about this i’ll pull it up when i have time” and then i just fucking forgot. sorry. and then i remembered again. and then life started like rapid fire punching me in the face. but im here now im answering it now im so sorry anyways its probably gonna be long and unorganized so cut

okay anyways so i think there’s a lot of different ways you can implement the second gen into fates and firstly my favorite and also the most stupid way to do so and also what i have in my notes is to split em all up between the four nohrian royals. they all get three new retainers from bumfuck nowhere and it makes no sense and it creates the worst dynamics ever. i assigned them like this:

xander: inigo, kjelle, laurent

camilla: severa, noire, yarne

leo: owain, cynthia, nah

elise: gerome, brady, lucina

and then morgans not there bc they throw off the even split but i think in that case, maybe corrin gets both of them? i think thatd be cute. anyways i’d be willing to move any of them like im not that attached to these placements, but i quite like the potential lord retainer dynamics that happen here. kjelle and laurent might seem a bit too similar to xander in terms of stoicism but hear me out. i think raging feminist man hating lesbian kjelle being tossed to work under xander would be fucking hilarious. you know how inigo almost beat xander in that match? guess who’d wipe the floor with him. and then i think laurents like. like laurent is normal passing. but you see he also has the pent up rage of an bullied 13 year old soon to be if not corrected incel and i think having that be explored with xander would be actually fucking hilarious. imagine one day xander is just like “hey laurent can you do something for me?” and laurent, whos been dealing with reeling back in inigo and kjelle (and uh. maybe peri if shes still here i havent thought that part through) and is absolutely sick of everyones bullshit just snaps and goes “NO! NO I FUCKING CANT!” and everyone in nohr just has this feeling of unease. something in the universe just broke.

and then with camilla i was like “well who would she dote on the most” and i picked noire and yarne. i can understand why yarne might be controversial because he is not a cute girl HOWEVER consider that he IS a cute rabbit. very cute. and hes terrified of everything all the time. i think camilla would find that charming and i think he would be terrified of her but also like. extremely devoted?? like i think he’d respect and look up to her a lot. just. just let me do that twenty feet away from you. please (lonqu!yarne????) but also i think theres very motherlike aspect to camilla that i think could eventually break through yarnes anxiety if she just started approaching him a little differently. and also the fact that shes one of nohrs best warriors and would murder anyone who comes close to harming him would probably help feel a little more secure in not dying. like it wouldnt fix him but it might help. and then noire is similar except she IS a cute girl and also i think camilla would be insanely into her talisman persona. make of that what you will i dont know but also going back to camilla as a motherish figure so obviously all of the future kids moms kicked the bucket meaning they all lacked proper mother figures for a good chunk of their lives, but noire never really had a proper mother figure… at all? bc bad timeline tharja was fucking abusive! so i think if she could find some of what she was missing in camilla, whether of not its particularly healthy i dont know but i think if she could that’d set up something interesting between them. theres also the fact that camilla and tharja are slightly similar in their callousness, only that camillas isnt aimed at her allies like tharjas sometimes is. i think that could actually end up being really comforting for noire in an oddly familiar way. healthy? debatable. but… interesting. DO YOU GUYS SEE MY VISION AM I INSANE

and then leo. ok im iffy on these guys like i could move them. but i think cynthia would be a nice retainer for leo to have bc i think they could have a fun “woah youre so cool! like a real hero” “im not the hero you think i am or want me to be” conversation and that wouldnt require cynthia to be his retainer to have but i think it would be nice. im not sure he’d send her on the same missions he sent odin on because shes not cosplaying as the worlds greatest mage (… or is she… no i dont think she’d abandon her pegasus) so theyd get on a lot easier at first. nah is here because i wanted to give leo a break and also i think leo being curious about a manakete thats similar but also not too much similar to corrin would be interesting. idk tho this is my least favorite placement. would be willing to switch.

and then for elise’s new retainers its interesting because shes the only nohr royal who didnt get an awakening kid so. ive given her three new ones. ger bear is here bc i think itd be fucking hilarious. yes, maybe itd make more sense to put him with xander or leo. i dont care though. i want him to bow down to the littlest princess of nohr, nohrs absolute sunshine, blah blah blah. also i think it’d be good for him. dude needs some sunshine. brady i was a little iffy on. i almost placed him with leo and im not sure where i prefer him actually, but i stuck him with elise because i think in some way, elise might, at first glance, remind him a bit of his mother. and kinda like with noire im not sure if its the healthiest way to go about his grief because elise is evidently not maribelle, but i think it could be a fun little arc for him to go through to try and break that image and learn to not project everything he wished maribelle couldve done for him onto elise. bradys a real funky guy i want him to go through some turmoil. and then lucina is here because i love their warriors support conversation and i think lucina being around elise could be so incredibly healing to the part of her that never got a chance to be a kid. and elise is a really fucking smart character yk i think she’d catch on really easily to how much lucina represses and try to bring it out of her. actually this goes for gerome and brady too i think she’d see a lot of her siblings in them and try to bring out as much of their childishness as she can because FUCK!!! these bitches are SAD!!! send help!!

this au is incredibly unrealistic and jambled but i just like thinking about it. i have no idea how this would affect the plot of fates. nohr’s army just gets a huge fucking power boost i guess???? they could probably kill anankos on their own. i believe it. but im quite honestly not all that interested in the giant plot i just like thinking about how the characters might interact and change. the nohrian royals and the awakening gen are just. so insane. and i didnt even bring up the rest of the fates cast (this post is fucking LONG ENOUGH) but i will be thinking. oh yes i will be thinking.

#anon im so fucking sorry #but thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a lil stupid and insane about what goes on inside my notes app #if u guys are wondering if i have any semblance of a plot for any of this the answer is no #i didnt have a single other thought while writing this like this is me typing exactly what hit my brain and how it hit #no idea if its even understandable #asks

[definitelynotshouting]

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WAS A WORM 😭😭😭😭 WHAT A THING TO WAKE UP TO!

-☀️

Oh my god thw wings being a physical manifestation of how Mumbo doesnt know Grian anymore. He is an entirely new person, definitely mentally, technically physically-- even if he looks the same. Mumbo honing in on the wings ("his wings ruffle...behind him" "it's a foreign motion...that escapes translation") that are the thing that's different and needs a "map" drawn of it, because it's the only thing that's actually different. Sure, Mumbo can tell grian doesnt even act the same anymore, but that's much harder to put a finger on. He didnt have those wings before.

^I like to think there's some form of uncanny valley effect that people who knew Grian before feel looking at him now, ignoring the wings.

-☀️

"Then he smiles, porcelain teeth flashing in the glistering sun.

The cold, open pit of his depthless eyes fails to catch it."

Really fucking love this description ough

-☀️

"“You’re not supposed to change me back!” Grian shrills, bristling."

IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR THIS TEM WTF (it is past 10am)

-☀️

"with the exquisite delicacy of a Player"

I SEE YOU YOURE NOT SNEAKY

-☀️

The wings again!! *is in distress* (side note i love seeing the world building youve been telling us about finally in the fic!!) Ok this actually makes the way Mumbo focused on the wings mean so much more. Wings are dangerous to code in, thats why Players use spotters. Grian vanished from Evo and showed up on Hermitcraft YEARS(?) later, without a word to anyone, and reappeared with those wings. Imagine going on a trail with a friend whose never hiked before and then they stop responding to your messages only to show up again after a couple of months like "Hey I just climbed Everest". You would most definitely be distressed to say the least. (although, question: how proficient was grian's coding?)

-☀️

Man this one-shot. Too many feels this early in the morning 😭 The way you've managed to capture that sense of unease around Grian. His actions are unpredictable- you dont know if he's going to laugh or get upset- really nicely encapsulates Mumbo's internal feeling that he doesn't know grian anymore. Those moments where he laughs or stares with those blank eyes, those are normal-- but linger a second too long, or catch a glimpse of the worlds that have passed since Evo started-- and he can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with Grian

-☀️

AAAAAAAAA HI SUN ANON!!! omg im so glad you enjoyed the oneshot!!! :D

Omg YES im so so glad what i was aiming for with the wings came through, thats exactly what i was going for!! This is the only physical indication that Grian has changed, and therefore the most distinct!!! Ofc Mumbo is gonna hone in on that-- its the clearest aspect he can see. And yeah, i think the first few times people saw him with the wings, it was definitely a little uncanny valley, until they got used to it

OKAY I'LL BE REAL THE EXQUISITE DELICACY BIT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL BUT IS A VERY HAPPY ACCIDENT ALDJWKDNEKNDKDE altho i did really enjoy messing with some wordplay in other areas. My particular favorite is the "inner machinations of a dropper" line-- it was such a fun way to refer to mechanical parts while simultaneously making it sound like the dropper is up to no good 😂😂😂😂😂😂

It was super nice to really put this aspect of the worldbuilding into the fic-- one of these days i'll probably rewrite chapters 1 and 2, and maybe do a little editing on 3, just so i can sorta bake those concepts in there with a little more deliberation than i did when i was first posting :] BUT YES altho its not so much dangerous (for a Player, at least) as it is difficult, and very finicky. Grian's coding is super proficient as a Player (he's still working on melding the instinctive coding of the Watchers with his Player brain tho), so he was always very capable of it, but like you pointed out, under normal circumstances he would have 100% asked someone to be his spotter while he coded them in, just in case he bugged out

And yep, we're talking a timespan of years here!!! This is a bit loose, so its subject to some minor changes, but my general timeline is that Grian, once Watcher-ified, was trapped with the Watchers for about 2-3 years before he made his escape. After that he bounced between hubs and servers for a few months, before ending up on Hermitcraft to stay. The fic itself takes place somewhere around early mid-season, i think-- since i headcanon each season to take place over a few years rather than a few months, i'd say this means Grian has been with Hermitcraft for, oh.... a little under a year now by the time this fic takes place, if that makes sense. Again these are not concrete but thats the general timeframe we're talking here. I'll probably make a separate post about this later, but in Player culture its not SUPER weird to go gallivanting on your own for a few years-- but the complete radio silence and abrupt exit from Evo are what make this notable from the norm to Mumbo and everyone else who knew Grian before

Im so deeply and genuinely happy that the sense of unease came across so well-- i was admittedly worried that the pacing was a bit fast for how Grian's reactions kept turning on a dime, but this reassures me that it works :] i wanted it to really feel like this is a familiar stranger we're looking at through Mumbo's eyes, and also i wanted to give Grian some room to display those uglier trauma symptoms that nobody talks about much in fiction. I like to think that first year back on Hermitcraft was a difficult one for him, mood-wise, because behind that rough facade his brain is about as scorched-earth as it fuckin gets

Sun anon i always ADORE your analysis thank you so so much for sending them 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 it makes my day every time, truly. Im so glad you liked the fic!!! :D

#shouting speaks #asks #compliments #hunger au #txt

[ultimateloserboy]

YES OMG!!! The food/health episode is seriouslt so underrated, even tho it’s an episode that drove the plot more forward in the webseries imo (not the mention the goriest tbh) I seriously love it so much & hardly anybody talks about it, normally or in theory-wised :(

it makes me so sad because duck & yellow guy KNOW something is missing, it’s literally at the tip of their tongue but every time duck wants to question, he gets shut down so quickly till he gets tired of it (him knocking down the camera was so GOOD the whole fridge sequence that lead up to him knocking it down is my absolute favorite part) NOT TO MENTION YELLOW GUY AT THE END, not knowing what exactly happened but there’s still that feeling of unease/ominous that even he feels (despite him being the sorta oblivious one of that episode)

UGH SORRY FOR RAMBLING I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH, thank u for talking about it!!! do u think we’re ever gonna get another episode like that again (one that’s “super” gorey but also extremely tragic that showcases the hopelessness of the trio’s situation??) I hope so, the electric & car episode almost got there but I hope we get something like health again

NEVER SAY SORRY FOR RAMBLING I JUST WOKE UP AND THIS ALREADY MADE MY WHOLE DAY :DD honestly, im not sure if the tv series will have an episode like this. i mean theyve got so much more time to spend, yaknow? the health episode had to get to the point quickly, so you get hit all at once. i think the tv series has more time to extend the feeling of dread, so if we do get another health, i think itll be much more slow. in my opinion thats a good thing, but i doubt we’ll ever get the original feeling back, at least not in the same way. i honestly dont even think its necessary anymore. i mean they REALLY got the point across the first time LMAO

#dhmis #dont hug me im scared

[yinandyangyang]

a compilation | han

Pairing: Han x Reader

Genre: cup of angst, with a dash of fluff

Tags: blurbs, unrequitedlove, ANGsT, floof?

A/N: this is a compliation of han - related blurbs, undeveloped plots, and angst, plus a tiny bit of fluff

let me know if there are any you think I should continue with!

@bunnyhani​ happy late omg im so sorry birthday, luv!!! you actually make me smile so much, you are a highlight in my life and since none of the scenarios i was trying to make actually really seemed like enough, i just made a few, unfinished, unrelated blurbs, chats, random han related thoughts and compiled them for you ~

01. build me a bridge of rose petals

unrequitedlove!reader

“This isn’t something I can just get over,” I mumbled quietly into the phone. My best friend sighed in response, thoroughly annoyed with hearing of me and my failures at romance. 

“Look, y/n,” she hummed, irritation sprayed heavily into her words. “Cry me a fucking river, build a bridge, and get your dumb, absolutely idiotic ass over it. He isn’t worth your time. You’ve been in love with the dick for - how long - like a decade now. And not once has he reciprocated your feelings.”

A sob built in my throat and I bit my lip to keep it from escaping. I’d yell back, if I had the energy. But I didn’t. And she was right, any who. I’d been hopelessly in love with the one, the only, Han Jisung for years, since middle school. And never once had he liked me back. We had been friends for all this time, yes, Jisung and I. We had even gone dancing together a few times. 

“Stop dreaming, stop selling yourself short, stop rejecting all these other guys in the hopes he’ll magically like you back because you’re hurting yourself. I can’t stand seeing you like this any longer, y/n. I know I sound like an ass, but you deserve all the happiness in the world and I know you will never in a million years, find that with Jisung.

“Forget him, y/n. Forget him and be happy.” 

“... okay,” was all I could manage. Because ultimately, she was right. I had been letting him get in the way of my happiness for far too long. “Talk later.” 

And shutting off the phone, I tossed it across the room. Her voice echoed in my mind, “Forget him, y/n. Forget him and be happy.”

It wasn’t that easy, though, I thought to myself. He’s just always there. Han Jisung’s always on my mind. His smile. His voice. His eyes, lord, his eyes. The curve of his lips. The way he looked when he laughed. 

A sudden bout of painful coughing rumbled deep through my diaphragm, wracking my whole body with violent bouts of wheezing until I was left gasping for breath. Something pink flew out of my mouth fluttered slowly to the ground. I brought my hand up to my lips to investigate and the sickeningly sweet smell of roses wafted through the room.

My finger tips fell away from my mouth wet. Covered in blood. Another cough shook my body. 

Two more rose petals shot past my lips. 

02. lotto winner

bestfriend!jisung

“My gosh, __,” Jisung whined, scrolling through his instagram feed for the third time that hour. “What are you doing, wrestling with the zipper? Why do you take so long?”

“Yah, Han Jisung! Trying on clothes isn’t as easy as you think, okay?” you shouted through the changing stall door, still trying to decide whether the outfit looked good on you or not. “Can you look at this outfit and tell me what you think? I don’t know if it fits my body right.”

“Fine,” your companion sighed. “Just hurry, up, okay?” Jisung stared wistfully out the window at the bright blue sky. It was really lovely this afternoon and he had to spend it with you, inside an expensive clothing store looking like it had just come out of tumblr’s aesthetic page, waiting for you to try on clothes.

Jisung subconsciously glanced down at his watch right as you hesitantly exited your changing stall. The edge of the baby blue cropped crew neck ended right above the waistband of the black corduroy skirt and the trim of your skirt fell right a good six inches above your knees. Cradling your arms to your chest, you shot your friend a nervous smile. Frilly and girly wasn’t your usual look, you would have rather worn a pair of boyfriend jeans and one of Jisung’s oversized sweaters.

“What do you think?”

“You look good, now let’s go,” he spoke and not bothering to spare a glance up, he shrugged. You noticed of course.

“Yah! Jisung, you idiot!” you yelled, picking up the closest pair of pants next to you and throwing them directly at the head of your best friend. “You’re supposed to actually look when I ask you to.”

Peeling the pants off his head, Jisung rolled his neck, now more irritated than he was 3 seconds ago. First you waste his time and now you throw a pair of pants at him. What the hell? When would the torture end? He sighed for the nth time that afternoon, gaze finally traveling over your figure. And all irritation drained out of him like it was nothing. 

The second his eyes fell over your shy smile and flushed cheeks, all he could think of was damn. You looked good. The miniskirt complimented your curves and accentuated the length of your legs. Baby blue against black wouldn’t have been his first choice, but the innocent way you looked up at him erased all color complaints he had.

Whatever guy started ended up stealing your heart would be one damn lotto winner.

Coming back to himself, Jisung scoffed, immediately looking away from you. A pretty pink flush tickled the apples of his cheeks.

“W-what?” you stuttered, looking down at yourself nervously. “It doesn’t look good, does it? Oh my- I should have known better. It’s the color combination, right? I knew I should have picked pink or something-”

Jisung snorted, pushing himself up to flick you in the forehead. Stunned, the speech spilling from your tongue like word vomit halted and you looked at him.

“Oh my God, __. First things first, I didn’t need to look at you because I know you look fine in anything you pick. Secondly, now that I finally looked at you, I just realized that I shouldn’t have because now I’m disappointed. You don’t look as pretty as I was envisioning you.”

“Shut up, dumbass!” All prior unease forgotten, you smacked him in the shoulder. “Another comment like that and I won’t buy you food.”

“Okay, jeez,” he snickered, rubbing the spot you hit him. “You do look pretty, though.”

“Yeah, right.” You called, flouncing back into the changing stall with a pout. “You just want food.”

“Believe what you want to,” Jisung sang back, settling back down onto the couch outside the stall, all thoughts of you and just how good you looked erased. “I could always leave you here.”

Within seconds, you were out of the stall, completely changed and the slightest bit pink in the face. Jisung bit back a laugh. If there was anything you hated more than the thought of being with him (romantically), it was the thought of being without Jisung.

03. best friends v. break ups

text convo

j*s.~.ng: I've never felt more exhausted… j*s.~.ng: normally I wouldn't publicize this j*s.~.ng: but my heart hurts. So. Much j*s.~.ng: can I call you? j*s.~.ng: ahit nvm. j*s.~.ng: i forgot you're on a blind date…. j*s.~.ng: forget everything and ples enjoy :))) y/n: *5 seconds later* hey you okay? j*s.~.ng: all good ☺ y/n: don't hide behind emojis I know you better than that j*s.~.ng: but you're on a date j*s.~.ng: what are you doing texting me y/n: he kinda already left because you kept texting j*s.~.ng: shit. j*s.~.ng: I'm so sorry. y/n: don't be. He was a control freak j*s.~.ng: are you sure I'm not interrupting something? y/n: absolutely, chill j*s.~.ng: can...you pick me up? y/n: already in my car. Where you at?

04. silently 

unrequited!reader

It was all too soon when I got that feeling again. You know… that feeling.

That feeling, the one you get where your heart, slowly breaking, drops without hesitation into the depths of your stomach and begins to churn, boiling up a brew with the irritating emotions called heartbreak, loneliness, and hurt. The stench of the horrific brew rises and rises and continues to rise in your stomach, building up pressure in your lungs and making it hard to breathe properly. It eventually makes its way to your eyes, odor building tears up… and then there’s really nothing you can do to keep them from falling.

You know… that feeling.

I’ve loved the same boy since I was eleven years old. For a portion, a small one mind you, of that time, I was told he liked me back. Of course, that was merely a miniscule section of that time, the rest of the time, we decided to grow up, only when I grew up, I was left with the same feelings I’d had for him all those years ago. It killed me.

And it was only natural that he wasn’t.

We’d both had a couple flings with other people tossed in there… but my mind was constantly on him and his... wasn’t. His eyes, his lips, his arms, his laugh, his smile. I loved him. And nothing was ever going to happen between us. Because of his lack of self confidence, he always looked for affirmation in month long relationships, only to break it off, then find someone else over the course of the next week.

Did it hurt? Yeah. Of course it hurt. Fuck, it burned like shit. But what could I do?

I’d talk it out with close friends, my mom. It wouldn’t solve anything though. I was still left with that same heartache, the same slow, numbing pain.

There were those instances I wouldn’t see him for a while and those overpowering feelings would subside into a a low, near non existent hum. It would be those periods of time that would hurt the most, yet also be the most peaceful. During those hours, days, weeks… I would find myself missing him, his hugs, his smile… but I would also find solace in those moments of not having to worry about him, how he was doing, what I’d wear when I saw him next...

But through all those times, through all those years… it had never hurt this much. He’d already had so many girlfriends before and his yearning, his unquenching desire for constant affirmation seemed never to be satisfied, so he dropped one and moved on again.

When he and I made eye contact from the ends of the hall ways, a bright smile overtook my lips like it always did. This time though, it wasn’t because he was wearing a pair of slim cut denim jeans with a white form-fitting button down and a black suit jacket and looking the most attractive I’d seen him in a while, it was because I had decided to finally come in terms with my feelings. I loved him and appreciated him as a person, a friend... and a boy.

He approached me with a playful smile, the brightness of his expression challenging the setting sun.

But was we made our way into the room, sat down beside each other like regular, and began to talk, the conversation took a turn, one that really wasn’t in favor of my mood.

He brought up his newest girlfriend.

It wasn’t like I was angry at him for having a girlfriend, I was just a good friend, nothing more than that to him. He wasn’t mine. He was his own person.  

“So..” I hummed, trying to keep the conversation light, though really it’s not like anyone would have noticed my sudden shift in mood. I mean, we’re talking about me for goodness sake. I threw shade for fun and if I was hurt, it’d always be masked by my overpowering sarcasm. One sudden mood shift wouldn’t stand out, after all, I’d had enough practice hiding my true feelings from an unfortunate many times before. “She’s pretty?”

“Oh, exponentially more so,” he hummed, a radiant, beautiful smile decorating his lips as his mind drifted off once more to his gorgeous girlfriend. I never got that smile. That special, heart breaking smile was only reserved for the best, the prettiest and that was not me. “She’s... everything I didn’t realize I wanted in someone...”

He continued on, speaking of her eyes and how they glittered with this special something every time he saw her. Had my eyes ever looked like that to him?

He brought up her hair, how soft it felt when he ran his fingers through it, how it always seemed to fall perfectly. My hair... I reached up subconsciously to touch it. Was it soft? Did it ever look effortlessly beautiful like that?

His eyes glowed when he redirected his description of her to her smile. He said it was perfect, the way it shaped her eyes into pretty little crescent moons, and that when they were together, it seemed her lips were curved into nothing but. I frowned. He never noticed - wait no, of course he didn’t. Why would he notice my smile when his mind was solely on hers?

I brought my knees up to my chest, the familiar feeling of self pity slowly consuming me. I could no longer concentrate on trying to be a supportive friend while my heart was breaking like this.

I choked back a silent sob. He continued speaking, eyes glazed over in adoration of his girlfriend. My eyes burned, tears welling up at the corners. He chuckled, laughing about something she reminded him of. I reached up, wiping away my unshed tears. He smiled down at his fingers, moving them, savoring the feeling of the ghosts of her fingertips.

He didn’t notice anything. He never did.

A sad, somewhat pessimistic thought entered my mind. Was it because I wasn’t pretty? Would he notice the more minuscule things about me if I was pretty? Would he ask if I was okay if I was pretty?

Would I mean anything more to him... if I was pretty?

Forcing down my tears, I sighed, smacking a easy-going smile back onto my lips. Who cared if it looked fake. It’s not like he would have noticed anyways.

05. you, me, & the moonlight

roommate!au

“Hey...” I hummed, looking up briefly from my computer screen to Han Jisung, my best guy friend, roommate, and unbelievably cliche forever crush. The dim light from the yellow street lights outside mixed together with the lazy, past 10 pm atmosphere in the room. My feet lay on his lap, his laptop perched on my shins. At the sound of his name, he turned to meet my gaze, the slight dimple in his cheek sending my heart into an unauthorized gymnastics routine. He dislodged one earbud from his ear.

“Yeah?”

“What on your schedule tomorrow?” My eyes dropped down to the half-written essay on my laptop screen to avoid a blush from appearing on my cheeks. “I wanna do something.”

He yawned, stretching his arms above his head, t-shirt riding up on his stomach to reveal a sliver of the smooth planes of his taut muscles. Dammit, Han Jisung, cover yourself better.

“Hmm… There’s a morning practice tomorrow from 5:15 to 7, and then I have classes from 8 to 12. Afternoon practice is 2 to 3:30… I also have a study session later tomorrow, like around 4-ish, but it shouldn’t last longer than a couple hours. So we can either do something during lunch or pull an all-nighter doing whatever. Your choice.” He shut his laptop and placed it on the coffee table, the kitchen lights making his chlorine-bleached hair glow golden.

“Well tomorrow’s Friday. I’m most likely going to be asleep during lunch, and I don’t have anything on Saturday until after lunch so I’m game for the all-nighter.” I shut my laptop and placed it on the coffee table as well, rearranging myself so that my head rested on his shoulder. “But if you have morning practice, you should probably go to sleep soon.”

“Alright mom, geez.”

He scoffed in faux offense, laying his head atop mine on instinct. 

And, the mere movement sent my heart beating about fifteen times faster than it was supposed to be.

06. your sensitive side 

idolfriend!jisung

“Why are you sitting so far away?” Jisung stared at me, a confused look on his angelic features. For once, I wasn’t cuddled into his side. For once, I decided to sit on the very opposite side of the couch, curled up with my favorite penguin plush, Snoogly Woogly. A childish frown marred my usually gentle features.

“Why does it matter?” I spat out, clutching Snoogly Woogly tighter.

“Because you’re obviously bothered and in need of a hug,” he said quite matter-of-factly. I buried my face in Snoogly Woogly and groaned loudly, trying to smother the butterflies in my stomach with annoyance. He just smiled, put down his pineapple pizza and crawled over to my side of the couch. Soon enough, Snoogly Woogly was pulled out of my arms and her plush body was replaced with his firm, warm one. He picked me up, cradling me on his lap.

“Hey!!! You’re on my side of the couch, you big dumb dumb!” Instinctively, my arms wound around his lithe, idol body. I could feel him smile into my shoulder as he hugged me closer til we were pressed flush against each other.

“Oh please. If only you could feel how tight you’re hugging me right now.”

“Only because I don’t want to fall, you fucking sequoia tree!” I growled into his chest. “You’re still on my side, though.”

“Fine.” With that, Jisung picked me up as he stood and walked back to his side of the couch. Sitting back down, with me on his lap, he gave me a pointed look. “Is this better?”

A blush raged across my face. Why did he have to be so… obnoxiously strong and sensitive? I had been living with him for how long and still haven’t found enough flaws to stop liking him.

The night went on. We had just finished our third movie, second box of fried chicken and first box of pizza, and he still hadn’t let go of me. Then again, he was asleep now and he usually went to hug things in his sleep. Pushing off his drowsy form carefully, I peered at the clock on the microwave. 2:54 am.

Slipping out of his loosening grasp, I cleaned the coffee table off. Out went the trash, into the fridge went the pizza. Approaching the couch once more, the cracks of my broken heart softened as my eyes ran over his sleeping figure. I pulled off his glasses gently and set them down by the charging ports in the dining room. He shifted in his sleep, better revealing his soft features.

My hand stretched forward subconsciously to brush the hair from out of his face but I stopped myself. No... I shouldn’t. I turned to head back into the kitchen. Where the fuck was the melatonin..? But as if the whole universe was pitted against me, one of the legs on the coffee table somehow magically placed itself inconveniently in front of my foot.

Before I could stop myself, a whisper-shouted fuck surged past my lips. At the sound of my profanity, his eyes cracked open.

“Hey… shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Though his words were mumbled almost incoherently, his deep brown eyes gazed up at me, awaiting an answer.

“Oh- well yea-” before I could finish my sentence, he reached forward and placed a finger to my lips. Once that effectively silenced me, he sat up and wrapped his arms around my smaller body for the second time tonight, pulling me to the relaxed pace of his heart. For a moment, I lay there stiffly. Though this was no new position to me, my mind raced with doubts. The recent pain in my chest was getting worse, making it harder to think, function, and act normal around him. What had I let myself get pulled into? More importantly, what had I let my heart get roped into all those years ago?

As if sensing my unease, he cracked one eye open, ran a hand through my semi-tangled tresses and rested his lips against my forehead.

“Then sleep.”

07. even death would be kinder

arrangedmarriage!au

“Oh __, my darling girl, how you’ve grown!” I grinned weakly, doing my best to enthusiastically return Mrs. Han’s hug. The woman was like my second mother. I had known her since I was in primary school and I absolutely adored her. Her son on the other hand…

“Han Jisung, come here and say hello!” Mrs. Han called out to her son. I steeled myself for the shock of seeing how the now unfamiliar young man approaching us had changed.

“Hi, __.”

The first thing that came to my mind was ‘hot DANG. his voice got deeper.’

Seulgi bowed quickly before shooting me an apprehensive look and taking her leave.

Taking a deep breath and a quick mental check, I looked up and extended my hand out to shake his hand in greeting. Upon looking up though, I could feel my hand fall slack in disbelief.

The young awkward boy I had fallen in and out if love with during my teen years had now been replaced with a suave, smooth young man. His smile came easily, lips stretched to reveal his bright teeth. His chubby, babyish face had slimmed down significantly over the years. His chiseled jawline and crescent eyes accommodated the handsome face he now sported well. But his eyes… the playful, mischievous brown eyes of his had not changed at all in the years that had passed.

Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I quickly shook his hand, slapping a professional smile on my mouth.

“Pleasure to see you again, Mr. Han. It's been too long.”

His smile faltered and the happy curve if his beautiful eyes vanished. Nonetheless, he shook my hand firmly and nodded, the smile, albeit a tad uncomfortable, still remaining.

“It has.”

Quickly releasing his hand, I stepped back. An uncomfortable silence shrouded us until Mrs. Han cleared her throat.

“Why the long faces, you two? You were the best of friends years ago,” turning to her son, she reached up to pinch his cheek. “Why, I recall you telling me she was the only girl you could be completely comfortable around.”

The handsome male across from me stiffened.

“That’s because she’s like a sister to me mom,” he said, smiling thinly. I pursed my lips, clutching the clipboard in my hands a tad bit tighter. Yes. That was all I was. Nothing but a ‘sister’.

“Oh pish posh,” Mrs. Han scoffed, waving her hand through the air as if it were nothing. “You’re acting as if she’s nothing but a stranger right now.”

Jisung rolled his eyes.

“Mother, we haven’t seen each other in ages.”

“Ages, my foot.” She slapped her son’s arm. “Now you two, stop acting like children. It’s time we had lunch.”

08. how much you care

domesticfriendship!au

“Guess what today is?” I asked, bouncing on the tip of my toes. Literally. Because I was wearing high heels. And one does not simply bounce on their whole feet with high heels.

“Your birthday,” Jisung spoke, returning my smile with an equally casual one.

“Yeup!” He had remembered! Excitement hung around me as I hummed giddly in response. I had finally gotten my feelings in order and realized how much he meant to me. It wasn't just my birthday. Perhaps now maybe I could mean something more to someone.

The lesson went by quickly and before I knew it, so had the majority of the night. Soon enough, it was just the two of us left in the room. While half of me knew he would soon be walking out of those doors like the rest of the students, half of me prayed desperately for him to stay.

“Can I show you something?” He asked suddenly, gesturing to the computer. Giving my consent, he searched and pulled a video up. And for the next minute and a half, I watched flashes of meme-filled images singing a horrid, remixed happy birthday song.

“Wow,” I chuckled in disbelief. His boyish laugh sounded in harmony. “I don't know what I expected but that definitely wasn't it.”

“Well I mean, I'm broke so I couldn't have got you anything,” he snorted incredulously.

“That's is true.”

I took a good long moment to appreciate his features. His smile. He was extremely attractive and I knew that. I knew that from the moment I first saw him in 4th grade. But did I ever do anything about it? No.

All of a sudden, I didn't know what to say. Conversations had never been awkward between us but for some reason, at this moment in time, my heart began to beat faster, my cheeks began to color. A feeling of dread filled my stomach. Oh no. Was I... falling for one of my close male friends??

Before the moment could get any more awkward, the sound of a vibration alerted the both of us to his phone and, pulling it out, the smile dropped from his face. An apologetic smile covered his lips and he pocketed the device once more. 

“Aight, my dad is here,” Jisung sighed, gesturing to the door. “I gotta head out.” 

Disappointment coiled in my stomach when he turned towards the door, exiting without a second glance. I stood there, staring at his receding figure, confused at why I was feeling the way I was. I didn’t know what I had been hoping for, but it certainly wasn’t for him to leave like that. 

Something in my body pulled me forwards, nearly tripping me over my own feet as I chased after him. 

“Wait! Jisung!” I called breathlessly from the doorway. “No birthday hug or anything?? I’m offended.” 

The boy turned, teasing smile playing at his lips. He paused in his step, rolling his eyes. The boyish quirk in his smile sent my heart hurtling over the edge into the chasm of having a crush at what seemed like a thousand miles per hour. 

“Fine,” he spoke, grin more than obvious in his voice. He continued towards me, hands shoved sheepishly into his hoodie pocket. 

“No, nevermind,” I scoffed playfully, turned back around, crossing my arms in faux offense. “I don’t need your hugs. Even though it is my birthday.” 

“Come on, y/n,” Jisung hummed, his soft, velvety voice sounding right by my ear. “Don’t be like that.” 

All of a sudden, a pair of warm, strong, lithe, familiar arms snuck around my waist pulling me firmly against the built frame of my best friend. The scent of his fabric softener and body wash overwhelmed my senses until all I could feel was him and home. He bent down, resting his cheek against the top of my head. 

A fiery blush burned over my cheeks. 

“Jisung-” I whispered, turning around in his arms. But that was all I could say before he pulled me into his chest once more, cradling my head into his comforting body heat. The sound of his melodic, hypnotizing heartbeat flowed through my ears, falling into a comfortable pace with mine. 

“Happy birthday, y/n.” 

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