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spacedlexi · 2 years

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i always wondered if you ever read any violentine/twg fanfiction and if you have could you tell us your favorites? Or what tropes would you like to read? Idk I just really like this ship and since there was so little content I could find so i read a lot of shit 💀 but I hold a special care for it since it was one of the first fandoms I entered and finding out Clem was bi meant a lot to me cause you don't see a lot of bi representation that isn't like "I like fucking anything that moves🤩(Yea Im looking at you Elite)”.

So yeah I'd like to hear you thought of fanfiction and stuff.

i tried once or twice but didnt get farther than the first chapter or so on the few i tried 😔 i kinda for the most part stopped reading fic after high school to be fair, so im very particular about what i Do read when it comes to fic now. and on ao3 at least since im afraid of wattpad there really hasnt been anything that held my attention (at least in the past. like i said i havent tried looking in a couple years so who knows). i need plot/character development heavy stuff that i can really sink my teeth into and i didnt really find much of that... and the "tropes" i like are more determined by which characters im applying them to so i dont always like the same ones across the board

someone asked me this question a while ago and i asked for any fic recs at the time but i only got like.. one? im really not sure what the state of twdg fic is like honestly

DESPITE all that tho im still slowly slowly SLOWLY meticulously steadily working on my own oneshot that i WILL FINISH I SWEAR its over 20 pages currently and only like 2/3? done?? and half edited BUT it IS outlined so..... i just have to.. you know..... actually Finish it....

i posted some snippets from it a while ago (HERE) but here's a couple longer ones since ive written about 10 more pages (plus like 5 in outlines) since then. im Really particular about the flow of my writing which is like.. the main reason why i take so long to write.. gotta fix it until it Feels Right

A comfortable silence seemed to settle over them then. The wind outside the shack still blew harshly, whistling against the broken windows. But as the girls sat by the warm glow of the fire, and listened to the crackling of the burning logs, it was enough to melt their tension. At least a bit.

The silence continued until the fire began to dwindle with the last of the logs. "We're going to have to start burning those..." Clementine said as she looked at the loose boards they had kicked aside earlier.

"I got it," Violet said as she stood, not even giving Clementine a chance to move. As she grabbed a board and kicked hard at its center, trying to break it in two, Clementine twisted her mouth. Not at the other girl, but at herself. She was still getting used to her new limitations, and it frustrated her knowing there were just certain things that she couldn't or struggled to do now.

The boards had been sturdy once, but due to age and exposure, they had eroded enough that Violet was able to break them with relative ease. She threw a couple of the pieces on the fire and set the rest by the hearth as she returned to where she had been at Clementine's side. She gave her a soft, reassuring smile as the fire came back to life, and Clementine gave a soft smile in return, breaking her from her thoughts, if only momentarily.

She heaved a sigh as her eyes were drawn back to the missing portion of her left leg. She thought about the trek awaiting them in the morning, and her mouth twisted again. "Ugh, walking through all of that snow is gonna fuck up my leg..."

The soft smile on Violet's face became mischievous. "Don't worry, I can just carry you instead." She said it nonchalantly, but the fluttering in her chest betrayed her.

Clementine quirked her eyebrow in response to the bold statement, smiling skeptically as she laughed "Uh, aha, yeah right."

"What, don't think I can?" Violet responded, the look on her face unbothered by the other girls reaction. "Brody was the one who carried you to the school after you crashed and I'm, like, at least as strong as Brody was."

Clementine's face dropped at the revelation. "Wait-... Brody brought us back?"

"Uh..." Violet hesitated at the change in Clementine's voice. "Yeah... Her and Marlon. She was the only one he would ever take outside the safe zone." She explained, and as an aside to herself said "Huh, guess it makes sense now..."

The playful atmosphere had now quickly disappeared, only to be replaced with a quiet, somber one. In the short time Clementine had to get to know Brody, she felt they had started to become friends. However, there weren’t many good memories made between them, and so Clementine more easily remembered the bad ones.

She could still remember that stormy night in the cellar clearly, could remember the sounds of Brody's inhuman screeching. The hot blood on her hands as she fought against the turned girl for her life. The guilt sinking in her chest like a black hole as she looked over what she had done. What she had to do. Clementine mourned her in the way she mourned everyone else she had lost. And it never got any easier.

Violet watched Clementine as she internally fought through her feelings, and once again regretted her words. She didn't want to think about Brody, either. And felt guilty over unintentionally bringing those awful memories to the surface. Clementine told them what Marlon had done that night, yet never talked about what happened after. But Violet had helped the others with the bodies, had seen what Clementine was forced to do. She remembered the sight clearly, as clearly as she remembered feeling that Marlon got what he deserved.

"Maybe we should try to get some sleep before it gets cold in here..." Clementine suggested tentatively.

Violet shifted, stretching her arms out in front of her, catching the last of the heat from the hearth on her fingers. "We should use the bed, then. It'll at least be better than the floor. Plus, there's a blanket."

Violet stood up then, stretching her legs as Clementine looked up at her. "Are you sure that thing isn't completely rotted?"

"It should be okay. We only brought it in here a little over a year ago."

"'We'? Why?"

"Uh-" Violet started at that, averting her eyes. "Um... Minnie and I... we kinda... used to hang out here..."

"Oh..." Clementine wasn't sure what to say to that, but it did confirm her suspicions. So instead, she relented. "Okay."

But she hesitated, looking between her leg and her prosthetic where it still sat propped against the side of the fireplace. "Hmm..." Should she put it back on? The bed wasn't far...

"Here," Violet reached her hand out, noticing the hesitation, "let me help you."

Clementine eyed the outstretched hand, considering her options, and once again twisted her mouth at her new limitations. She kind of hated this. She had done everything on her own for so long, and now...

"C'mon, it's okay."

She looked back and forth between Violet's face and outstretched hand a few times before finally relenting. "...Fine." She really didn't want to lace up her prosthetic just to immediately take it off again.

Clementine took her hand, and Violet helped pull her up to stand. They leaned close as she found her balance, gripping tightly at Violet's shoulder with her free hand. It only took a short moment, and once Clementine stabled herself, her eyes locked with Violet's. They both started a bit when they noticed how close they had become, face to face.

"Aha. Um, you good?" Violet asked, slightly flushed.

"Yeah," Clementine said, hiding her blush better than the other girl. "Thanks."

#twdg #violentine #replies with lexi #incognito #i know how you feel anon i remember the fic tag for them being pretty....barren..#at least compared to what i was used to being into popular ships in big fandoms in the past #i was kind of surprised honestly #but to be fair i read a lot of mlm main pairing stuff in the past and wlw just seems to get less love in fandom spaces in comparison :/#violentines get cozy under my wing i will provide for you #really trying to tackle themes of like #clem dealing with her new disability. learning to rely on others instead of always being the one relied upon #settling into ericsons and solidly accepting it as a safe home. for Real this time #clems past traumas finally catching up to her now that she is in a safe place and is beginning to truly process these events #vi dealing with her guilt over everyone she couldnt save #the way she feels guilty over leaving clem/aj in the woods and feeling partially responsible for her leg #feeling conflicted over her feelings for minnie #(anger? guilt? loss?)#and therefore feeling conflicted over her feelings for clem #(finding new love. more guilt. in a space where her and minnie had good memories together)#(this is a friended route vi where they have feeling for each other but are only acting now that the raiders are no longer a threat)#ok wow you think ive said enough at this point? this post is huge............#ive been talking for too long

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dumblemonchickenwing · 7 months

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vent. too much information

I remembered I had notes on my phone saved, where I wrote down my feelings about my ex. This feels wrong to do, but even now I find my feelings are being controlled by their past actions.

This whole thing just breaks me on various levels. Perhaps I was always supposed to only value platonic friendships, and what happened to me was my punishment for going into something new to me, and betraying my friend.

Today's addition:

I sort of felt something felt bad or off, and felt disoriented and confused, but now when I was making my bed, I thought to myself "I make my brother's bed every day too, and its considered a normal thing that should be taken for granted." And then I had a flashback to my ex's words and times with them.

I realized I felt like I was taken for granted, and everything I did. Obviously I did things Not for the sake of having something given to me in return. i started to feel that way after I got treated by them a 'certain way'. Despite me working hard for the relationship, I'd hear them lecture me and say how I "should work for relationship".

I listened to them when they vented. I was by their side when they were depressed and said hurtful or wrong things. I never judged them for their mental sicknesses. I proposed suggestions or said comforting words, even on times when they were unfair to me. I showed patience even on days when they accused me, doubted me, lashed out on me. I did what they wanted to do together. I did what they said was their need. I took time even when I was busy to comfort them. I didnt traumadump on them even when I had terrible things going on in my life because I knew they had their own stuff going on and that it would be unfair to them. I was not getting mad at them for struggling bc ..why would I? It would be unfair.

I did the activities they enjoyed, albeit I admit I was not the best watcher of streams and had my moments (esp when I was depressed or triggered by the content and behaved unexcited but didnt say what was wrong). I even waited for them when they were busy with.. gaming and school and other stuff.

And with all that, they would hint that Im doing something not good enough, and would keep on telling me "relationship is work". And yet Their part of work was them enjoying their life and not manipulating me.

When one time I tried to address how they were not very fair toward me, they, instead of hearing me out, replied by saying "Ive changed for you". Not "why do you think that way?" or "i want to listen to your point of view", but blatant "Hey, I know I was unfair and manipulative, but I have actually changed , and Your are problematic here, and frankly also you are ungrateful."

When They put what they called 'work", I believed them, I still do. And I was grateful for every littel crumb they left. But for them..

they'd say "Yeah, my needs are met so far, im satisifed". Not "Thank you for what you do, it must have been hard" or anything close to that. Just "My needs are met". Like I am a worker , and I should meet their standards (although, that was how I have been treated from the very beginning. Someone who must meet their standards)

When I addressed and said "I feel my efforts are taken for granted." I dont remember eveyr detail but I ll admit they did adk "How so?" But I was so confused and infuriated by years of mistreatment that I didnt react adequately at all. They then said "I think My efforts are taken for granted." And they couldnt bring a proper example, and said "for example, I ask you how you are doing".

_________________________________

Phone notes.

Written on 27 of July:

Blatanly manipulating me

Threatening me

Traumadumping on first days when we just met without asking my consent

Comparing traumas when you didn't bother to learn what i deal with Antagonizing me and making assumptions about me based on your feelings alone.

When I didn't even do anything for you to say all the sruff you said to my face . Treating me like I was a bonus to your life and not my own being Took for granted all the hell i ve gone through to be with you.

Took for granted that i spoke Your language when I had other whole first language. Used my physical struggle as a cute quirk Yelled at me and cursed at me when I was at my lowest and out of energy to be strong, and never apologized for any of it. Blamed it on me instead. Acted like I add to Your problems

Overall being so damn entitled to me, to my being, to my time, to my energy, to my feelings. Blatanly refused to change something I suggested, in your attitude,bc i needed it bc it deeply hurt and made me feel like i was nothing. Refused to listen and called my attempts to explain myself as arguing without trying to look into what i felt or tried to say. Ghosted me and gave cold treatment, acted unfair, and Then demanded My apology. Made sexual advances without asking my consent and instead of owning up to mistakes or respecting my space, guilt tripped me For Having Trauma Related Uncomfortableness - by bringing up your trauma . Demanded my attention when i had classes, yet Shouted at me or got Openly mad because of you needing to focus on school. Said "it's pointless to talk with you" "you shit on me(my boundaries)" to my face when I was just trying to speak bc I was deeply upset (and traumatized by all the things you had done to me.) Would get upset at me being myself, and would only calm down once i got crooked into doing and acting like you.

___________________________

Written on 23 of April:

I could and I've always been willing to show understanding and let many things slide. But I'm just so tired. I've been doing it toward them, many.many times. Hearing that bordeline accusative request ,"look at how it makes me feel, be nicer to me" feels like insult to the deep, big, injury. I Always looked at how things made them feel. I been giving in at every step. I've been making steps at hard times. And hearing them say that in a tone that implies I didn't work enough or like I was a jerk who didn't show understanding, arrives me at conclusion that they just.. didn't see it, or are insensitive toward our history. I gave in many times, I can't even count them. When they could make fun of me and turn away from me when i was struggling. And on top of that, they'd invalidate my personal problems and struggles by claiming I don't have them , just cause they feel like i don't have them. Oh, and also that time when they needed break from the stress they got from yelling at me. When something was off, they'd jump to accusations at me, would decide for me what my intentions were or who i was When something was off, they'd say to me hurtful things like "you can't be reasoned with", "i just can't with you", "it's pointless to talk with you" They didn't want to listen to my pleads about what hurts me, and when i asked from them to change something they'd said "I won't do it" And yet i was not allowed to leave because they'd threaten me or throw guilt tripping lines at me. And with all that, they claimed they loved me and even told me that its them who does the work and i dont appreciate it , which only added insult to the injury. The way they treated me throughout years, left huge stain on me . I can't even articulate or put my thoughts together when i have to speak about them. I had to attempt to rewrite explanations on how they made me feel, for 2 years, to make sense of it. This note was written after many many attempts. I hope it was consize and informative enough this time.

_______________

Little things:

One day, when they kept talking about politics, asked them to not talk politics bc I struggle with it and its hard for me. They said "okay"

On the next day, they messaged me with political stuff again.

It gets hard to type on mobile for me. my fingers struggle to move. So I use autofill or omit certain words and my way of writing looks a bit.. odd.

They started writing the same way when talking to me. Explained it by saying it looks cute and they find it quirky (?)

When I tried to talk seriously with them about what hurt me in our interactions, I struggle with finding words, so my way of wording what upset me sounds odd.

They immediately would use my own words to shift blame on me, even when the blame was misplaced. Stopped trying to articulte my hurts, because hurts to have my words stolen.

Had the courage to share something I dont tell peope because its a very deep mental issue I have that controls my well being and im ashamed of it. Confided in them about it once.

Saw them using my struggle in a joke them wrote where they self-deprecated. "Im just standing in the corridor bc I forgot something looking like a freak . I bet the ghosts are afraid of me". Saw that post in their blog right after I shared it.

Hurt pretty much, because that issue is very serious, and leads to me have [redacted] ideas just to ecape them. and they used it as a joke. and used it to make it about themselves. and to self-deprecate. when I actually cared about them.

#vent #tw too much information #oversharing #traumadumping #diary #toxic relationship tw

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lukewarmgoth · 4 years

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thyhstjyr

#frustrated #all i want is to just look after myself properly #but i think people mistake my friendliness for ‘this is a person i can confide in’#and i have a couple people now telling me about their suicidal thoughts and their self harm attempts #and im not alright with it #like beyond being uncomfortable it also messes with my stability #and i do want to be able to help but theres nothing i can do without compromising my own situation #so i have to be selfish #because i dont want to fuck up all my hard work for people i dont really know when a professional is out there and would know what to say #i want to be in my own bubble where i look after myself without putting everyone else first #and i dont want to be swallowed up by guilt over situations i cant even help #like fair enough they dont know that i struggle hearing that stuff from things ive dealt with before #but thats because none of them know me and tell me everything anyway #and thats whats so hard about it and i dont want to freak out but im kinda freaking out

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all-things-mlqc · 4 years

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Boys reaction to MC who never have date before meeting them. Like, the boys as MC's first love.

My first HC on here and I was memeing half the time while writing it. Included what the boys would do after hearing this news as well because why not. I’m not a Lucien fan but lord have mercy on my soul, I couldn’t help making his romantic af. He is the ideal boyfriend/date minus the l i e s that come in the MS and I hate it. All the crossed out stuff is just commentary because I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy~ Thank you for your ask <3

How the MLQC boys react to being MC’s first love below the cut~

Victor:

Follows with some snarky comment after he calls her “Dummy”.

Let’s be real here, if he doesn’t call her dummy immediately, then something is wrong. Reminds me of when we streamed the first episode of MLQC and we were all yelling “CALL US BAKA” the second Victor came on screen.

While he seems cool and collected on the outside, you can hear the computer shutdown sound play on the inside.

To him, this is a shocking confession.

Victor: I’m not surprised a dummy like you hasn’t been in a serious relationship before.

Victor, internally: How has she never been in a serious relationship before??

He’s not very good at expressing himself honestly through his words but he truly admires MCs hardworking nature.

He finds that very attractive in a woman and is surprised that other men in the line of business haven’t taken their shot with her yet. it’s because they can feel your death stare on the back of their heads, kind sir

One thing he struggles with is being himself. He tries to act like everything is in his control all the time.

Because of this, upon hearing MCs confession, he invites her to a fancy dinner at his penthouse insert Victor’s Dazzling Date because THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. Jkjk haha... unless...

He wants to impress her as much as possible even though he knows deep down that she doesn’t care about what a person has and rather how they are as a person

BUT ALAS. The stress be real for her first boyfriend.

He wants her to know she made a good decision without verbally telling her out of his own bitch mouth I love you, please call me baka so he goes over the top with their first date.

Basically pulls a Mr. Krabs when taking Mrs. Puff on a date. Just add shades to Mr. Krabs to represent Victor’s “I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m all good. We vibin out here.”

All MC wants from him is his honest and genuine thoughts. and a lifetime stock of pudding because good god a girl has chocolate needs

MC eventually figures out Victor’s intentions with all the gifts he rains on her because hE dOesNt nEeD tHeM he can’t give her anything more than a cup of pudding up front

MC knows this and accepts the secret gifts with a smile.

She sends a gift in return to his office the following day along with a thank you for the wonderful date.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of Victor’s heart rate slowing to the average persons.

Kiro:

insert pikachu meme

This boy is mind blown.

“How have you never been in a relationship before??? That can’t be true!”

Kiro sees the good in everyone, so hearing that MC has never been in a relationship before him is

He gives her a bright smile and playfully hugs her from behind.

The two of them laugh together as he whispers genuinely in her ear,

“I promise to make you happy. You won’t regret it.”

He immediately drags her off to Loveland’s Amusement Park, where they spend the whole day together.

Rides, snacks, games, you name it, they did it all.

Kiro naturally spoils MC without putting much thought to it.

It’s like a reflex for him. It’s just who he is as a person. Always wants to share the happiness in the world with the people he cares about.

As for how anxious he is after hearing the news about being MC’s first love, he is screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Almost 100% of the time he has a smile on his face and even convinces himself that he’s not worried about it.

But he is.

It only hits him when he thinks about another man taking MC away from him after seeing her talking with another guy.

MC will catch him without his carefree smile at times and eventually confronts him about it.

He shows her a wide smile and says there’s nothing to worry about.

L I E S. BABIE LEMME HOLD YOU I PROMISE YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY.

After a few attempts of trying to get Kiro to open up about it, he gives in and says he’s worried he’s not good enough for her HAHAHHA, GOOD ONE KIRO

MC, however, turns it around on him

MC: I’m afraid IM the one who isn’t good enough for you.

They both smile and embrace each other, knowing they’ll get through any little concerns like this.

Gavin:

He knows.

We’re talking about the boy who has been in love with MC since high school; Who has protected her behind the scenes ever since he laid eyes on her.

He would know if she had been in a previous or current relationship.

It only comes as a shock when she says she’s never been interested in anyone else romantically before. Lies. Have you seen the other suitors, MC. In a world where guys are that hot, you must’ve had at least 1 crush, c’mon sis.

Gavin respected her personal boundaries and never looked into her personal affairs so he had very little knowledge of her views on other guys.

He gets a little bit nervous, since he believes her standards must be high if she hasn’t been interested in anyone else before.

Does the full on soldier oath, bend the knee cliche which includes “I promise to always protect you” and “Nobody will ever be good enough for you”

Mc: Gavin no...

Gavin: NOBODY WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Spoiler alert: You are waayyyyy too good for me, Gavin.

He doesn’t have too much anxiety over the thought of being MC’s first love though since he’s very good at staying true to himself and knows MC is one to admire that about others.

Gavin is a quiet guy in general. He’s more of an observer and watches MC to take note of what she enjoys.

When he sees her eyes shine bright after seeing a delicious dessert cafe, he offers to take her. He makes sure to express how he also wants to go since he knows she won’t accept unless he is interested as well.

Boy literally has no interests the moment he’s with MC. He is essentially that vine

Doesn’t even wait until the question is over and just “Absolutely. Let’s do it”

MC: But I haven’t even said anything yet...

He isn’t much different from how he is now. Has around the same amount of anxiety just from being in MCs presence.

Boy just wants to PROTECC and is always panicking on the inside but tries to remain calm.

He is very good at calming his anxiety though since he’s had so long to understand what MC values and knows she just loves people for themselves.

That’s all he needs.

Lucien:

His eyes widen slightly at MCs confession.

It’s nothing too mind blowing for him since he knows how refined MC is and how dedicated she is to her work.

It’s still surprising to him that nobody has tried to sweep her off her feet yet.

With how kind MC is, it would be hard for her to refuse a date with a gentleman.

Lucien gently presses a kiss to MCs hand upon hearing her confession.

Lucien: I am honored to be given the opportunity TO WOO to take such a beautiful lady out on a date~ AND MORE PLEASE

Lucien is the definition of a gentleman shhhh we aren’t speaking of current chapters in the main route Lucien. Cover your eyes. Pretend you do not see.

With little to no anxiety showing on his face after the reveal that he is MCs first love, he insists on taking her out to a nice restaurant the most classy and romantic 5 star restaurant Loveland City has to offer as a way to thank her for dealing with his bs (both his bullshit and black swan hahaha I’m so funny oml) being given the opportunity to treat her as a beautiful young lady should be treated.

He’s also more on the less anxious side of being MCs first love.

Lucien is a traditional man and does stuff by the book.

Because of this, he respects and likes the idea of being MCs first love.

He doesn’t go over the top yet isn’t cliche with dates and little actions.

He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Though he may struggle with being openly honest about his own thoughts and feelings, he tries his best to express himself for MC. a lot of the time he just assumes talking to her about his personal affairs would bring her down.

This, however, gets better overtime as they continue to date.

They spend a lovely evening at dinner together and take a midnight stroll through the city oh god city stroll PTSD

He gently wraps his jacket around her bare shoulders with a soft smile as he thanks her once again for believing in him believing he is worthy of her

Bonus:

Shaw:

Shaw, smirking: Is that so?

Oohhhhh you know what that smirk does to me. DOWN BOY D O W N.

He’s surprised but his reaction is very mutual.

His internal thoughts are more on the line of “Hmm I’m her first boyfriend, aye?” and “OYA OYA”

He very likely most definitely places his hand on the wall beside her head and leans in closely to get a reaction from her as he growls,

Shaw: So that means you really like me, yeah? I’m making this way too hot gdi. Shaw stans please enjoy your food

MC looks up to see that same playful smirk resting on his face.

highkey don’t know how to respond because Im just “ok think of 3 things she would probably say and go from there” while my brain just computer error sound

MC: and what about yourself? I’m sure there are tons of girls throwing themselves at you yet you choose me.

He pulls away and places his hands in his pockets with a chuckle.

Shaw: I’ve had my fair share before.

iVe HaD mY fAiR sHarE bEfoRe MY ASS

I’m convinced he’s had one time things with girls purely for information or he isn’t the least bit interested in relationships because he thrives on stimulation and entertainment and nOboDy iS gOoD eNouGh plus he literally asks what people do on dates when taking mc out in his first date in game SO

Either way, this is a LIE. The man can’t relationship for the life of him so he has no RIGHTS to tease her.

Just let him believe or you can try to tease him about it in hopes of getting a little pouty face out of him.

Honestly, their first date would just be the first date we got in the game and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Shaw is a wild child and doesn’t care for romantic dates. at least that’s what he wants you to think

A little insight on his character: He’s very blunt and easily pushes people away all the while keeping them close enough to gather intel. He doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone and makes sure it’s mutual on both ends. Personal relationships only drag him down, especially in his line of work. He prioritizes other things before relationships which makes him so damn FRUSTRATING BUT I SWEAR I WILL CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE A WALNUT JUST YOU WATCH ME.

With that being said, after actually being in a relationship with MC for a while and opening up about their personal lives more, Shaw can be very romantic. He may be awkward for a bit at first since he literally doesn’t know what a date is but he gets there eventually.

He’s still full of fun but is also very gentle and makes sure MC is enjoying herself.

I got sidetracked with the actual HC on this one but Shaw stans need food I NEED FOOD

#mlqc #mr. love queen's choice #mr. love #mlqc gavin #mlqc shaw #mlqc kiro #mlqc victor #mlqc lucien #i had to limit myself because i started writing A LOT #i also had the BRILLIANT idea #*not really brilliant*#of Lucien offering to walk MC home after their date #and MC just ‘that’s ok. Youve already done so much for me tonight’#Lucien: Our apartments are right next to each other mc #MC:#*hello darkness my old friend plays in the bg*#she just wanted to be polite and the fucking LOGIC FLEW OVER HER HEAD LIKE #logic? dont know em #ms. walks in front of cars every day #i really enjoyed shaws too just because i love his bitch ass #like being able to meme 24/7 is my dream and that is legit all he’s good for #the S A S S #we love a sassy bitch #and his date we got in the game is all i need to say about their date after mcs reveal #shaw: cool so what IS a date exactly?#mc: youre kidding right?#shaw: well i mean i know it’s for couples but wtf do we do #mc: shopping/dinner/a movie #shaw: *jerry squints* thats boring as hell. lets go do some illegal shit

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hongjoongslut · 4 years

Text

VIP Access

a/n: this is my first attempt at this so im very sorry if it sucks :(

Pairing: Boyfriend!Kim Hongjoong × Girlfriend!Reader

Word Count: 2.05k

Warnings: smut, choking, y/n having anxiety and getting a little insecure but hongjoong reassures her :)

enjoy!

Seeing how many fans Ateez attracted did not shock you. You usually stayed in the apartment due to your major social anxiety. This fansign was different, it was scheduled on your anniversary with the one and only Kim Hongjoong. "I know you have some bad anxiety but please baby? I'll make it up to you" he pleaded for you to go, ending with a wink. You let out a slight giggle before sighing heavily. "Okay honey, I'll go, but dont expec-" he immediately grabbed you and hugged you, lifting you off the ground. "Yes yes yes!!! Finally I can show everyone how truly amazing you are". He sets you down, noticing how red your face has turned. He just giggles and leaves to go shower. Tomorrow would be a big day, for both of you.

"why does this signing have to be in the asscrack of dawn" you let out after grunting at his alarm. "Honey, it's at 10. Its 8:00 right now" he laughs at your sleepy state. "fine I'll get up now but I'm sleeping for the rest of the week after it's done" He shook your hand. "Deal, love".

It was not your event so you didnt have to dress very fancy. You did, however, want to look nice since this is a first time.

"Babyyyy its 9:00, how far are you from being done?" he sang through the apartment. You walked out shortly after his little tune. You went with a nice short sleeve shirt that accentuated your chest, some black ripped jeans and your favorite black and white Vans.

"How can you look so gorgeous wearing literally anything, y/n?" he walked towards you, smiling. "I'm the gorgeous one here? Look at yourself." He was wearing a stunning black suit with a sash over the front of it, very reminiscent of his Wonderland era. "I'm only wearing it since we just passed the year anniversary for the music video release, you know how I usually look when I go to these things." you smile and wrap your arms around his neck. "I love you no matter what you wear, but this is definitely a sexy look on you" he smirks and softly places his lips on yours. You move your hand to rub the back of his head, causing him to jump back. "you know where that gets you and we do not have the time to do all of that right now princess" you smirk. "I didn't do anything joongie. I was just caressing your head." Both of you knew what you were trying to do and surprisingly, he fell right into it. He smashed his lips onto yours, instantly colliding his tongue with yours. His hands held your hips tightly, likely leaving bruises. He breaks the moment, you whimpering at the loss of him. "c-can I try something y/n?? we've never done it before but I think you'll like it.." you tilt your head and slightly laugh. "joongie dont ever break a kiss for that. just do it, but if you hear our safe word then stop." you start the kiss this time, to gain the contact back and to see what he had planned. You could feel his right hand creep up from your hip, wrapping around your back to pull you closer, if that was possible. His hand rubbed your back for a moment before it sped to your throat. He applied no pressure yet, making sure you were okay with it. you smile into the kiss and moaned a little. The heat was stopped once again when his phone went off. "Shit, Mingi's here to pick us up." he walked with your hand entwined with his but pausing right before opening the front door. "but we will continue this later darling."

You have never seen so many people in one place before. Your heartbeat raced as you walked by all the screaming fans. Your body was on autopilot, just trying to find a quiet place to calm down. Once inside at their booth, you slightly calmed down. "I'm sorry our anniversary started out with a fansign, but this event ends at 12. After this, we can do whatever you want to do". he kissed your hand, rubbing the spot with his finger.

It's been about an hour and a half and you haven't spoke much except when spoken to, whether by a fan or joongie. You can tell he was concerned about you but he didnt have enough time to help you entirely at the moment. He would squeeze your hand every once in a while, just to show he loves you.

"Are you good y/n?" San asked after finishing one final picture with a fan. "Yes I'm okay San, I'm just very tired. I didnt get much sleep last night" he nodded and left to help clean up. The manager gave you and joongie permission to leave since it was a special day for you both. The ride home was loud and crazy. Mingi and Hongjoong laughing and smiling at everything they saw today. "baby, what's wrong? you've been off ever since they opened the doors. is it your anxiety?"

You nod slightly and lean on his shoulder, not wanting to go into depth about it. he rubbed your shoulder until you guys arrived home. You both said your goodbyes to Mingi and walked into your safe space. "I know how your anxiety gets after big events so I will give you space, love. I'm gonna be in our room unfancing my appearance. Come find me or yell when you're ready" he kissed your head and left the living room.

You hated hiding stuff from him. It was your anxiety today, but for a different reason. you saw so many beautiful girls and you constantly questioned why he chose you. you weren't exactly in perfect shape, stretch marks covering your chest, stomach and thighs. He hasn't seen you like this often, but he did rarely catch it. Sometimes when you're walking and you're wearing jeans, you pull them up to hide some of your stomach. You had these thoughts everyday and it only got worse today. tears pricked your eyes, begging to be released. you gave in, letting them fall freely. you started sobbing, trying to keep as quiet as possible. you lay down on the couch and cry into the leather. you let out a loud sob, not realizing at first. Hongjoong ran into the room, grabbing your shoulders. you were so lost in pain, you didn't initially hear him.

"Baby what's wrong? what happened? are you okay?" he is firing these questions at you and your mind finally breaks. you quickly sit up, staring at him through blurred vision. "you saw all of those girls, joongie! what's so special about me? im not talented like they are. im not in shape. i don't see why you chose me instead of one of the million girls you saw today!" your voice cracks and you crumble into his arms. "Y/n, why didn't you mention this sooner?" all you could reply was sobs. he sat with you, rubbing your back until your breathing evened out. "So you want to know why i chose you?" you nod lightly. "I first fell for your looks. You do not need to compare yourself to anyone's shape baby. I love you for you. Then I got to know you, I fell in love with your personality. Baby you're so amazing, everything you do makes me fall in love more." you look up and start smiling. He grabs your chin and kissed your forehead. "Another thing," he lowered his head to meet your eyes. "none of those girls have a pussy that can make me feel as good as yours does." your face turned a red shade. "no one in this world can make me weak in my knees just from wearing a shirt, jeans and Vans. you are everything I want, and much more than I deserve" he kissed you, not knowing the heat his words just caused. you broke the kiss to straddle him, not letting him ask anything before kissing him again. You held his cheeks, savoring each and every inch of his tongue. He pushed you away, catching his breath. "what was all that about baby?" you could start to feel his hard on through your jeans. "you wanna show me a reason not to be insecure? You said you'd make it up to me if I went and our little 'event' before the signing would be continued when we got home. But if you dont want to, that's fi-" his hand wrapped around your neck, adding pressure to it. "princess, ive been thinking about fucking you ever since you decided to tease me earlier." he then realized his hand was squeezing and pulled it away instantly. "im sorry baby are you okay i didnt realize I was doin-" you put your finger on his mouth. You stood to take off your jeans and shirt, letting him enjoy the view. "if you wanna show me I dont need to be insecure, then mark me. fuck me until i cannot remember how to speak. once again, if you dont hear that safe word, then keep going." he sat with his jaw dropped. he swiftly stood up to remove his tshirt and his boxers. you unclip your bra and take off your panties, throwing them away from you. he grabbed your hips and picked you up with no struggle. He carried you to your shared bedroom and set you on the sheets. he attacks your neck, making you moan right on contact. his free hand slips down to your pussy, feeling your juices leak around his fingertips. He lifts his hand and licks them clean. "so much already baby...god you taste so fucking good." his lips leave your neck to kiss your chest, leaving more hickeys. "all of this beauty...all for me." you moan as he attacks your nipple. "fuck that feels amazing.." he hums before giving the other fair treatment. he kissed slowly down your stomach, rubbing the sides. "one of my favorite parts of you.." you start to smile before it turns into a moan. he dives into your pussy, lapping inside of you and rubbing your sensitive nub. "fuck hongjoong, just fuck me already, please." he leaves a light kiss on your clit before kissing your lips roughly. he teases your entrance with his head, making you grunt impatiently. he enters you slowly, watching your head slowly lean back as he fills you. "fuck y/n, how are you still so tight..." he grunts as he slowly sets a pace. he fills you so perfectly, you could cum right there. "f-faster baby, pl-please" he rammed his hips into yours, hearing nothing but your screams and skin slapping. "see, nobody can sound as-as pretty as you do when you moan" you smile momentarily before grabbing his hand and placing it on your throat. "god I love you...i love you so fucking much" he squeezes your throat, a high pitch moan escaping at the sensation. "I'm s-so close joongi-e." he kisses you, swallowing your moans as they come out. "Also princess, remember no girl gets to be fucked so good by me, you have VIP access..." With that sentence, you saw stars, your juices coating his twitching cock. "fuck princess!" you feel your walls being painted with his cum. He pulls out, viewing your marked and fucked out figure. He hands you a tshirt and clean underwear to change into while he goes to the kitchen. while he was gone, you walked up to your mirror, staring at your body. he walked behind you, hugging you tightly. "look how beautiful you look in my clothes...even after being fucked" he giggled and you let out a slight smile. "come on beauty, let's get to bed. i know you want to sleep in tomorrow." you jumped on the bed, laughing as hongjoong followed. "i promise baby, you'll always have me."

THE END

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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midnight-circus · 5 years

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another bullshit meme

from sidebloggable

answered for logan and lucius bc i dont talk about my big dumb idiot enough

and im actually gonna answer for their original Fable timeline bc ive been feelin nostalgic recently

Their physical weak spots

Logan - depends on his age and/or stress-levels. He has a fair amount of upper body strength from swinging twin swords around all the fucking time, but it wouldn’t be ridiculously hard to overpower him if you could disarm and get hold of him - however, he’s fast, agile and extremely skilled, and it’s getting hold of him in the first place that’s the issue. In the middle of his reign, on the other hand, his body condition takes a dramatic dive - he’s pretty severely underweight and loses a lot of his muscle tone, and it really wouldn’t take much at all to best him.

Lucius - Lucius is a big, heavy mercenary who fights with a broadsword, so it’s hard to get the best of him in a one-to-one melee fight. However, he’s missing his left eye and is deaf in his left ear - subsequently if you use a little bit of stealth and come at him hard and fast from the left, you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the jump on him. He’s also into middle-age and despite having decent reactions, a younger man of the same build as him might just pip him to the post.

Their emotional/moral weak spots

Logan - oh god lmao. Logan’s a mess, but his primary emotional weak spot is his siblings - be they his original two (hey queenie and dorian) or Morgan. I think he feels a bond that’s closer to paternal than fraternal, and I think the only way he can really justify to himself the pain he puts them through is telling himself he’s doing it for them. ok honestly, he will do fucking anything for them. at the climax of the revolution, the primary thought running through his head is how fucking proud he is. be nice if he said it out loud every once a while - hell, itd be nice if he’d just asked for some fuckin help before causing the literal death of hundreds of people - but yknow. thats just going one step too far i guess

Lucius - he’s a bleeding heart. when Morgan and his little band of rebels rock up in the Dweller village, Lucius is already there running supplies up and down the mountain to them; he watches way too many kids starve to death, and joins up with the rebels in order to lead them through Mourningwood. then he gets a crush on morgan’s little bitch face and just like. never leaves lmao. He’s easily blinded by injustice and gets worked up really quickly when he sees wrong being done - it can lead him to act recklessly or thoughtlessly at times.

Scars or painful spots

Logan - asides from the obvious scars across his lips (fencing wounds when he was a boy), he took some nasty damage from the Crawler during the three days he was trapped in the Auroran cave - he’s got a network of scars on his back that look a little like lashmarks. they hurt when they’re touched and he Does Not talk about them. he’s also got a few other scars here and there on his arms and chest from miscellaneous scraps and scuffles, and he has a deep puncture scar on his abdomen from an assassination attempt, but the less said about those the better.

Lucius - lmao Lucius is literally missing half his face to scar-tissue. he was attacked by a dog as a boy and it left him heavily messed-up. he’s also a merc, as i said, so he’s got a lot of miscellaneous old wounds but nothing quite as obvious as the ones his face.

Best places to kiss on their body

Logan - oh, the neck, bitch. he’s also kind of a slut for being kissed on the insides of his wrists; anywhere vulnerable, basically. if you could kill him there, kiss him there. freak-ass bitch.

Lucius - dude just likes a nice traditional french kiss man nothing crazy. but also definitely give him a blowjob. i know this question said kissing but lets be real thats kind of a kiss.

Guilty pleasures

Logan - he reads really terrible novels. like…really terrible. he pretends he’s reading something highbrow and intellectual but its actually a shitty romance recovered with something suitably acceptable and nobody can know

Lucius - he doesnt have any ‘guilty’ pleasures tbh, he just enjoys stuff unashamedly. he’s too thick to feel guilty

Their vices (physical or emotional)

Logan - lets be real, he’s probably done, like. an impressive amount of coke. i guess the terrible sleeping and eating habits are probably also a vice but like. it’s mainly the coke

Lucius - he smokes like a fuckin chimney

Their tickle spots

Logan - not only does he not have any, but you would also die for trying. Elrick disagrees.

Lucius - his ribs, but he is uncontrollably violent when he’s tickled so its a real good way to get a broken nose. he doesn’t mean to do it, he just spasms.

Bad memories/experiences

Logan - lmao. I’ll skip the most obvious (the 3-Day Auroran Extravaganza) because i think that goes without saying - it left him with crippling PTSD and damaged his mind heavily and insidiously. he was already pretty traumatised by his childhood and i think being forced into so many responsibilities so young also messed him up a little. it’s more like….rather one one or two specific experiences, its more just a general feeling of Bad that has stuck with him throughout his life. It was worsened by his later experiences, and essentially primed him for failure.

Lucius - yknow i was thinking about how to word the answer to this question and i realised that i accidentally made Lucius into Batman. His family farm was attacked and burnt to the ground by bandits when he was about 12; his parents and siblings were killed, and he only escaped by hiding in the coal-cellar. Later, he joined up with the mercenaries to try and track down the group that targeted them. fuck hes batman. i didnt mean to batman

Humiliating memories

Logan - oh man his father was a pro at humiliation. mistakes or oversights werent just punished, they were fuckin learned from, and he figured the best way to do this was humiliation - generally through public displays of What You Did Wrong and repeated recitations of the mistake in front of the people whose opinions Logan valued. It was kind of the catalyst for his inferiority complex and intense desire to succeed without input from others.

Lucius - again, Lucius doesn’t really experience embarrassment - he’s kind of too laid-back for it. yes, it was embarrassing the one time he fell over carrying two milk buckets and threw them all over himself in front of the handsome boy from the next farm over and the guy started laughing at him but like. you live and learn and the dude turned out to have a really ugly laugh anyway so who cares

Fears/phobias

Logan - he’s always had claustrophobia, but after the Auroran Experience this intensifies to a whole new level, and he also develops crippling nyctophobia. part of this is due to his hallucinatory psychosis - he sees things pretty much constantly, but it worsens in low lighting - but it’s also due to the fact that there may very well be actual Things in the dark and he struggles to tell reality from hallucination

Lucius - dogs. fuckin dogs. he hates dogs theyre literally so scary even the small ones bc the small ones move so quick and you never know when theyre gonna come at you

Bad or petty habits

Logan - oh, he’s just a petty bitch. he’s also outwardly arrogant, even if his internal feelings don’t match up to that. drily sarcastic, too, tho a person only really sees that when they get past the walls he throws up - Elrick is very familiar with it.

Lucius - he’s constantly standing to the right-hand side of people and then he wonders why he cant hear them properly

Grudges and vendettas

Logan - he’d hold a grudge against his father if he wasnt dead. he also holds a pretty heavy grudge against Theresa for not just fucking telling him.

Lucius - at first, only against the bandits that killed his family, but once he deals with them hes kind of at a loss as to where to go next. fortunately Logan starts starving people shortly afterwards, so if nothing else it gives him a kickstart into the rest of his life. Subsequently, Lucius will hold a vendetta against Logan for the rest of his life, even after he has been in a relationship with Morgan for years - he will never forgive him for the shit he put the common people through, and he doesnt really give a shit about the ~pressures~ Logan was under at the time. fuckin excuses, man.

Ingrained habits/forces of habit

Logan - his terrible sleeping/eating patterns. even before trauma and night-terrors made it almost impossible for him to sleep peacefully, he didn’t get more than 5 or 6 hours a night, if that.

Lucius - if something is smaller than him, he’ll protect it. he’ll also protect things bigger than him, if given half the chance. hes basically a golden retriever in human form, which is ironic considering his feelings about dogs.

What it takes to make them cry

Logan - would rather die than cry, quite literally.

Lucius - his heart is softer than butter, he’ll cry at anything. he’ll cry at an injured pigeon on the street.

Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Logan - never, ever, ever talks about what happened in Aurora. The details die with him.

Lucius - he doesn’t really have any - he’s not ashamed of much in his life, and he’s never done anything terrible enough to render it a skeleton.

People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them

Logan - L M A O. yes, it affected him terribly, but tbqh however much its affected him kind of plays second fiddle to how much his actions affected other people.

Lucius - has killed a lot of people who deserved it during his mercenary years, and justifies it to himself by being absolutely certain that they did deserve it. sometimes he doubts this, though, and that doubt plays a big part in his eventually getting out of the game entirely

People who’ve influenced them greatly

Logan - Walter, tho he’ll never admit it in a million years and he still definitely kneecapped him right at the start of the game so idk what that says about him

Lucius - Morgan. it’s real gay, i know, but there it is.

#logan1 #lucius1

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overbakedone · 6 years

Text

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know.

thanks for listening i guess

#self #baking #life #thoughts

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maybeprecocious · 4 years

Text

day eight

again, i dont remember much from today

i was sitting outside with the others and they were telling me about things i did and said today

and i literally couldnt remember

i teared up over how proportionate humans are, apparently

we had MDT meetings (multidisciplinary team) and it scared me

simplified, it went something like this

“we cant work on treating anything until your brain is working. your symptoms could be ADHD but they also could be starvation syndrome. you most likely have starvation syndrome. we need to monitor your intake, lying and standing BP & HR twice daily.”

“why cant you just let this go. you havent had to monitor any of this until now.”

“and we failed you by not doing that.”

“no you didnt. i’m leaving.”

“you can do that, this is a voluntary hospital, but we will have to talk to your psych and you will need to do a lying/ standing before you go and you need to do a safety plan.”

“fine.”

i didnt want to do the safety plan, or any of that, but i had to leave.

i struggled with the safety plan, more than i should have

i catch the psychiatrist in the hallway

“do i really have to do this. i can just send you one from—-“

“yes. you do.”

“fine.”

he followed me back to my room

i sat down at the desk, staring angrily at the blank sheet, pen in hand

he stood there, looking at me, i didnt acknowledge him at all

he leant in

“i would be really happy if you stayed. i want you to stay.”

he walked off

“oh great thank you”

i said, shitty, sarcastically

he always wants people to leave, he doesnt ever tell me to stay, he always leaves it totally up to me

this, was odd

maybe things are not good

more likely? hes playing mind games, trying to tell me what he thinks i want to hear

little does he know that scares me more, makes me want to leave more

if i have actual problems, if others can see im actually not doing well, i need to show them im fine

i dont need to rely on anyone, or any facility

i finished the safety plan

the student nurse took my bp

she did it from sitting to standing which, works in my favour

the machine wouldnt work, repeatedly, so it took about 5 minutes to get the standing result

i stood there talking to increase it

“see! i’m fine!!”

“its still a bit low”

“but, its fine”

i was on cloud nine

i could leave

the nurses called the psychiatrist

“so, its discharge against medical advice.”

“sorry, what? he said i could leave.”

“this is a voluntary hospital, you can leave, but we dont think its best for you to go. we have to call both your parents and someone from where you live to tell them.”

“i dont talk to my mum, and if you tell my dad he’ll be mad. please, i live on my own, im an adult, my parents are never involved please, just let me go.”

“no, its a discharge against medical advice, we have to.”

“youre just saying that because you know i dont want that. youre hoping i’ll stay to avoid that. i wont. do what you have to. call them.”

“how about you think about it. come back to us at 6pm with a decision.”

“really!? really. it wont change..... fine. i’ll come back then but im leaving.”

i went and called my worker to give him the heads up, he told me i wouldnt be able to go back there tonight and would have to go to my dads.

my dad. we’ll get to that.

he also asked some questions about what had changed since i last spoke to him and after friday, whether i should really be leaving

i couldnt give him a straight answer

he helped me try to think rationally, but, barely

but enough to make me stay

at least until tomorrow

motherfucker.

at 6pm i went back to the nurses

they had the paperwork ready

they were not happy

i could see them in the fishbowl talking about me

all looking over at me at the same time

eyerolls

flailing arms

shitty stares

“i think i’ll stay. at least just for tonight. i know, maybe im not thinking clearly. but youre also fucking with me”

“good decision. thank you.”

why where they thanking me

i guess i saved them some paperwork

while i was talking to my worker, i remembered the last time this happened

my care plan was upped, and so i left

against medical advice

ended up back a week later

“oh fuck. last time, was not good.”

“what im hearing is that you can identify that it wasnt good last time. you can see the pattern. when they show care or acknowledge your mental state, you get scared and leave. it makes you uncomfortable. but somewhere in there you know maybe they are right. the fact that they can see that too, scares you.”

he put what took me 8 minutes to explain, in to one sentence. and he was right. i couldnt deny that he was right.

nobody has ever had my “best interests” at heart

especially when it comes to hospital admissions

so i dont trust them

when im in hospital, its often because i cant trust myself either

i often think harm is in my best interests

so when that is contradicted

when, someone makes logical, actual sense

i get upset

i wonder why i didnt see it first

and i still cant agree with it, but i know they are right

it highlights even further, that i am unwell

even if its just following protocol, its a sort of care

and care, people wanting the best for me, is scary

so i wont accept that

but i’ll accept that maybe i need to stay

at least until tomorrow.

i am not ready to address my eating stuff

and, they dont do that here

but they still want to address it in a way

or, monitor it

and i cant cope with that

so i will probably still leave.

there was talk of transfer or admission to an eating disorder ward

there was talk of referral to outpatient eating disorder supports, if i left

no. fucking. way.

i am scared

i am certain at times that i will die

that i will kill myself

and it doesnt scare me

but other times

im not so sure

and when i imagine carrying out my plan, i shudder

i ate 367 calories today

i broke my fast at 49hours 46minutes

i have to be ok

this is not a problem

i am fine i am fine i am fine iamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiamfineiam

not fine

but im fine, great, good, managing this

i got my leave back

i wanted to go, somewhere

anywhere

i just had to get out

the nurses were very reluctant to let me go

“wait until your nurse is back”

“if i wait much longer i’ll just have to turn around and come back”

we have to be back by 8pm

my nurse came back

she was not happy, she was making excuses and trying to make me stay

“i literally have my leave back. i can literally go. why wont you let me go.”

one of the other girls (big top energy) piped up

“if it will make it easier i’ll go with her”

the nurse agreed

i didnt want her to come

we had just been talking about it while i waited for the nurse to get back. she didnt want me to go alone. i told her i wanted to go alone. she wasnt so sure. she should just worry about herself. she is in here to work on herself, not worry about me.

“what!? you cant just enlist another patient to essentially babysit me. thats not fair on her.”

“yes! thats a good idea!”

smile on her face, i was ignored

“seriously? you are enlisting a 16 year old to monitor me while im out. i have leave. i am an adult. i am fine. i just want to go out.”

“if she wants to go i cant stop her.”

we got out of the building, she apologised, i told her it was fine and despite being shitty with the lack of trust from all parties, thanked her for taking one for the team and coming with me

i was shitty, then we got talking

we actually had fun

she understood the food stuff

we went to the supermarket and got some food i could eat to take back with me

we bonded over awful mothers (hers way worse than mine but still, oddly relatable and similar stories)

we found a half smoked cigarette on the ground near the station and decided to be gross and smoke it

otherwise it would be a waste

“if we get herpes, we’re in it together”

i said

“if we get herpes, we can say we fucked and it will be a huge thing. it would be so funny”

she said.

i laughed.

“tana mongeau would be proud”

she agreed.

i ended up giving away 1/3 of the food i bought

i kept the apples and the cucumber

im boring and actually love them

nobody else would want them anyway

my day was horrible

but it turned out ok

im not thinking about the decisions i have to make right now

they can wait until tomorrow

but i am thinking about the calories

threesixtyseventhreesixtyseventhreesixtyseventhreesixtyseventhreesixtyseventhreesixtyseventhreesixtyseven

i have burnt 2,628 calories today

i went to the gym and didnt overdo it

we also spent 20 minutes in total walking to and from the shops

but it doesnt feel like ive done enough

i havent done anything to directly combat what i ate

i will do a workout

i was asked on a maybe date today

by a girl, too pretty for me

why the fuck is she interested

we are going to a school fair

one we went to together about two years ago

it was a good day

i want to do it again

i said yes, im going with her

FUCK IT

my day was awful

but the last two hours have been ok.

why?

people.

maybe people arent so bad after all.

(im fighting off the urge to say that they are in fact, evil because they give me purpose and make me feel ok sometimes and i dont deserve that and they are a distraction from the real end goal, death, but im not saying that.

I AM OK. i’ll deal with the guilt later. fuck off.)

the wordsearches are history but i’ll keep mentioning them anyway

#where my mind is (not)#gho-lish #vent #tw #cw

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captainalwayslazycollectort-blog · 6 years

Text

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yes i went to three different insurance agencys to see what quotes theyll give me. one say said ill pay 50 a month and 140 down payment for access auto insurance . the other agency said ill pay 60 a month and 90 down payment for the same company. and the third agency said i would probably not qualify for access auto insuranc. im 20 year old male riverside ca 94 accord. why would three different agencys quote diferently for the same auto company ? whyyy is it a scam

What are some good auto insurance companies?

I have not yet did any quotes, I was just wondering can someone out here tell me from experience what are some good insurance companies. My sister has her driver's permit, and she just purchased a used car..Of course she's trying to get her license but she wants to practice in her car as long as she has a licensed driver in the car with her. I myself have license, but no car at the current moment. United Auto Insurance said that even if she doesn't have license and the car is registered in her name, she can still get insurance as long as I'm on there with her because I have license. Do you know of any other insurance companies that are like that. Also, she's just looking to get liability at the time and she is over 18yrs. of age.. Please no smart remarks, only mature serious answers please""

How much did your car insurance drop once you turned 25 yrs old?

Did you save 50%? 25%? Less? I noticed a significant drop when I turned 21 and saved about 40% then. What can I expect next year when I turn 25? Obviously it varies and will depend on if my driving record remains clean....just wanted to get some idea

Questions about insurance?

1. What are some of the important questions to ask before deciding on the amount of life insurance to buy? 2. How can you determine if you are under-insured or over-insured? 3. Is there any benefit to a single student without children, who is living with his or her parent(s), who is still going to college, having life insurance? Why or why not?""

How much does business car insurance cost?

Where can i find cheap renters insurance in nj?

How much to lease a car (WITH insurance)?

How much is it to lease an economic car (in Canada please), with insurance calculated into the mix? I am willing to pay 4-500 altogether, is this enough? Practical examples from people who lease their car, with how much they pay, etc, would be most helpful. (I am a recent graduate at the verge of starting an entry-level position). I am looking into VW golf and honda civic (hatchback).""

""I haven't had car insurance for the last 8 years, am I going to pay high rates?""

I've lived in the city since 2002 and haven't owned a car. I'm now moving out, and will need a car once again. Does this mean I'm going to pay high rates, or it won't matter?""

Car insurance.......?

hey guys, i was just wondering how much car insurance would be for me. i am 20 years old and just recently starting driving and when i say recently i mean like today haha!. but anyones i DO know that to get a real SET price i would have to call and get a quote but i was hoping to here from some of yall about how much YOU pay each month, how old you are and what kind of car you drive, just to get an ideal of how much its going to be for me ya know? thanks for the help""

What is the average time taken by an Insurance company to pay out on a car claim.?

I suppose it would depend on the nature of the damage to ones car and also who was at fault. However in my case, my car caught fire from what I believe may have been an electrical fault. It is now a total write off. I realise the insurance company has to carry out it's investigations but how long should this take and how soon would one expect to receive an offer. I made a claim 6 weeks ago and am still being fobbed off with the explanation that the investigations are on-going.""

What would be insurance on a Sentra SER/Spec?

I'm 16 and looking for a car. Im not getting this car, I just want to know. Ok, so I have no accidents or tickets and a B average student or higher. I'm a safe driver and everything. How much would it be for 6 Months?""

""Conservatives, you're always claiming that Obama-care is the reason that insurance costs are increasing, so?""

regarding the 80% increase in insurance premiums, and the 11% increase in the number of Americans who did not have health insurance coverage during the Bush presidency, was that because a magical elf traveled back in time to the year 2000 to tell insurance company executives that Obamacare was coming? Or could it be that insurance premiums have been increasing at an average rate of 8 to 11% per year for about the last 15 years and the increases we've seen in the last few years aren't indicative of costs associated with Obama-care (Which hasn't even been fully implemented yet) and Conservatives are just trying to make political hay out of cost increases that are consistent with established trends?""

What homeowner insurance?

What homeowner insurance is more affordable in California?

How does life insurance work?

Hubby is getting a new job that may be a little bit dangerous and he'd be gone for weeks. I am not money hungry or wanting my best friend to die. I just want to have this insurance on him so if he were to accidently leave me with child and something happened to him, I want atleast funeral costs and my child to be taken care of too. I know I'm probably fretting too much but I can't convince him to not take the job. He's worth more than any amount of money. We're both in our twenties. I don't know how life insurance works.""

10 POINTS! Is it expensive to insure and range rover?

Ok so is it expensive to insure lets say a 2003-2006 range rover HSE for a 18 year old in the USA? Also could i finance at 18 if i can prove enough income? Looking online there worth roughly 12k-16k maybe cheaper if i lowball.. Thanks

How to insure my car if I go to live in France?

I'm moving to France soon and I would like to keep my english car. Insurance companies are asking for the bonus-malus and I don't know the equivalent in english...so they can't tell me how much it would be...Does anybody had to insure their car in France? What do I need to do? thanks xxxx

Will a hemi engine effect my insurance rates??

* * Member since: November 06, 2006 * Total points: 606 (Level 2) * Points earned this week: * 10% Best answer * 171 answers SNIPES8 S Hemi engine insurance????? will the fact that i am considering a dodge ram 1500 with a hemi make a difference in the insurance cost if there wasnt a hemi engine under the hood, the truck is a 4wd dodge 1500 slt with the big engine, i am currently in a v6 4wd 2000 ford explorer, how much will the rates change??? im a 22 yr. old male.""

Is car insurance more or less the same price in every state?

In Tennessee, my car insurance is $263 a year on a 2002 Ford ZX2 ... can I expect to pay the same amount in the State of Washington?""

How much is car insurance on two vehicles in hawaii?

We need full coverage due to still paying off cars. Plus about how much to send 2 vehicles over?

Does an 800cc motorcycle's insurance cost much more than a 600cc?

I found a bike I was thinking about buying to learn on today. I like the bike and can't beat the price. I read on yahoo answers soeone said 750cc bikes are actually 749 b/c insurance goes up significantly after that. Is that true? I'm not getting the bike because I want a bigger bike, Id be perfectly happy with a 600 but its a good deal for this bike I found. Will i save alot on insurance and just wait to find a 600cc?""

Where can I add my name to health insurance waiting list and what are average waiting times?

In our state we imposed rent controls 10 years ago to help the poor with more affordable housing, and apartments available for rent disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason. I spent 6 years on a waiting list and still my turn never came. To tell you the truth almost all vacancies are filled either through bribes or nepotism. One week ago our Governor imposed price controls on health care insurance premiums to help the poor with more affordable health care, and policies available for purchases disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason.""

Tell me Cheap Car insurance please!!!!?

im 25 got new car toyota 2010 Reaally need help with the GOOD car insurance? im having progreesive insucrance right now for which i pay 160 per month ...but i wanna know if there is ny cheaper car insurance but has to be RELAIBLE and GOOD one please? ALso if i can swtich to another car insurance easily and they refund my money? or its a contract for 6 months? Thank you so much in advance :)

Liability Insurance?

I'm organizing a concert, and I'm having an issue with liability insurance. Where can I get some? And what is it all about anyway?""

Will I need an SR-22 insurance?

My license was suspended for one year, I get it back this year. 18 year old male. Wisconsin. This is my record, 12-31-2011 Driving 1 to 10 miles per hour over the speed limit (3 POINTS) 04-15-2012 Imprudent speed (8 POINTS) 06-08-2012 Driving 20 miles per hour or more over the speed limit (12 POINTS) 08-19-2012 Imprudent Speed (8 POINTS) Also, what should I expect the insurance to cost and is it required?""

Your personal experiences with Progressive Auto insurance?

Can I get liability insurance on a 2005 mazda tribute or will I have to get full coverage?

Does full coverage car insurance cover a car that just dies?

I have full coverage car insurance on my car (for legal/employment reasons), comprehensive, collision, PPI, theft, vandalism, rental, etc. Yeah, its an 99 Accord. What I never asked, and now want to know, is if it just dies (cus its about that time that if it did I wouldnt be surprised) will I get the value of the car? I know I do get its value if it is stolen or totaled or vandalized, but does that apply to car death? Pretty sure if it stopped working the cost to fix it would be more than the car is valued at, does that count as totaling? I am getting to that point where the car may be worth more to me stolen or wrecked. I hate dealerships otherwise I might consider a trade-in, but I don't know why anyone would buy it??? I would feel dishonest selling to anyone else, poor saps. I do better off finding someone who is selling a fixer upper. (I got this car for 500 bucks and I put 70,000 miles on it, not too shabby.) I know a guy who can fix up cars real cheap, but when its time, sometimes there is nothing you can do. The car is Kelly Blue Booked between 2900-4500, so would I get a decent price from insurance if I let it die under full coverage?""

Need to find cheap but good minibus insurance. Can anyone help?

Does anyone know where I can find good affordable health insurance?

Health insurance over seas?

my grandma is going to japan for a little while, and she is a bit older and her health is a concern. if anything happens over there.. is there a way to get health insurance in japan? or does an insurance company have a special coverage?""

Does MetLife car insurance cover household members?

I recently obtained my Massachusetts Junior Operator License. My mom has metlife car insurance and I'm trying to figure out if I'm covered on the insurance. The metlife website says that it covers you, members of your family that live in your house, and anyone who uses your car with your permission Does that mean that I'm already covered or do I need to be listed under her insurance policy?""

Is it possible to fake an Auto Insurance Quote survey...?

I do surveys online for things and there are some that give a lot of credit but they are usually like auto insurance quote ones and health insurance quotes so im wondering if i can fake that i dont want to put any of my info what im really looking for is like a list of working SSN and junk like that.

""OK so i previously asked how much is car insurance uk,17yearold/girl, bmw compact sport 318.3door?

I ALREADY HAVE THE CAR...I just need to know roughly how much insurance will be next year

Car insurance america?

I'm thinking of going to America for six months and want to buy a car to get about, but insurance is expensive could I get a resident of America to put me on there insurance then insure themselves on the car I just bought. Is this possible? If not any suggestions would be amazing thanks I'm from UK and 22""

Average PLPD insurance for car?

Im wanting to buy a 1989 Toyota Supra and im wondering how much PLPD would be on it.

If I get my speeding ticket dismissed will my insurance rates still increase?

I got a speeding ticket in TX, but I'm taking a course to get it dismissed. Will my insurance company even find out about my points if they're taken off my license? And if they do, will my insurance rates go up or is that completely dependent on points?""

About how much is car insurance for a teen?

I'm a 16 year old girl and I was just informed that I was going to have to pay for my insurance when I get a car. I was wondering how much insurance would cost me monthly. If it matters the car value would be about 15-23k. I don't know if the car value affects insurance.

To HOLD a California Drivers License is it required to have insurance?

Argument with a coworker

Does NCD for a motorbike insurance work on a car insurance?

Hi, Does Non Clam Discount earned on motorbike insurance work will work for a futher car insurance? I'm a fresh young driver with no NCD and the first price for a car insurance is 6500 a year, so I can't really own a car with this rate... Is it possible to insure a motorbike (around 600) for like 2-3 years and then used this 2 or 3 years NCD to have the discounts on a car insurance? It could make me save a lot of money if it is possible!""

I'm a 17 year old guy wanting to earn some extra money to help pay car insurance what can i do?

I'm a 17 year old guy i'm looking at an extra way of earning some money sensibly to help pay towards my monthly car insurance i already hold a day job any help would be appreciated thanks

How bad would a honda civic hatchback (94) be on insurance?

Male 17 North Carolina any ideas on a monthly and yearly price?

Is it legal to do this with car insurance?

I know of people who do this for the sake of saving money, but I am not sure if it is legal or not? Say Person A has horrible insurance rates to the point of where driving is impossible to afford. Now let's say Person A sells their car to their significant other, Person B for a small price and transfers the title into Person B's name, so now this car on Person B's active insurance policy. Person B's rates will go up a bit based on their cost to insure, however Person A will still be driving this vehicle on a regular basis, and simply pay Person B the additional, much cheaper premium. Is this legal? If not, how would anyone ever know the difference? Now the new""

Needing Short-term disabilty insurance?

My husband and I are planning on having one more child in a year or so and I am looking for short-term disabilty insurance, b/c my work does not have it. Anybody know a good insurance??""

How can i get a car by using a cheap car insurance ?

I am in need.

Where can I find more information on Flood Insurance In CA?

There is large portion of the population that does not know much about flood insurance. Let alone what FEMA is doing to thousands of California Property owners. FEMA is re-mapping several communities within the state and every other state for that matter. Flood insurance is becoming a necessity and if your community is being affected, your property may be becoming a high risk flood zone. That means you have no choice but to purchase a policy. If you are concerned about these changes and how they affect you, then visit www.myfarmersagent.org. There you can obtain a flood zone determination and quote. We specialize in preferred rate policies and helping you grandfather your property to its current rating. Let me know if this helps anyone, I would hate to see anyone stuck with a high risk flood insurance rate.""

How can i find out Insurance rates on cars?

is there a certain website which can give me the average amount i need to pay for car insurance on certain cars.

""Best insurance for my small business? im 25, non registered business 0-10 jobs per week.?""

Best insurance for my small business? im 25, non registered business 0-10 jobs per week.?""

State Farm Insurance Rates From Fellow Users?

I will be added onto my parents policy. I got a 3.0GPA 16 Year old male, still in high school I will probably get a late 90's compact or 1/2 ton pickup. Any ideas, I herd that it will be around $300 a month. I also have taken driving classes if that helps.""

Will my drivers insurance rate go up after this accident?

Im 17, live in California and am insured under Geico. I was driving in a parking lot going the speed limit and this girl back out super fast (presumably without looking) and slams into me. Her car was fine but she left a small dent and paint chip near the door and rear tire opposite the drivers side. Will my rates go up even if I wasn't at fault? Should i even go to insurance on this? Please help!""

Car accident insurance wont pay?

Its been about 1 month since the car accident happen a police cruiser tea boned another group of serial killers into a group of cars one car total and others with heavy damage.one of the passengers died two were injured in the crash.we have tried getting a layer but the only thing they say is that they cant really be anything done cause there was a death.we called the insurance but they said that they could not do anything they need it a police report and police wont release the report there because of one death and the case is still under investigation.one month passed we called again and they told us that all of the owners of the cars that were hit had not reported and did not know how to spit what the insurance money covers. now my parents are worried they might not be able to fix there car and not get anything at all we have no idea what to do except keep calling the car insurance.my parents were going to get together with the other drivers to see what they can do. but so far only time has passed and they have not done anything or have gotten anything from the insurance.

Your personal experiences with Progressive Auto insurance?

Lowering my car insurance premium by putting my car under my roommate's policy?

I'm 20 years old and I own a car. I pay a lot for my own insurance. But I live with a 25 year-old roommate. Is there anyway I can lower my insurance premium by putting my car under his insurance policy because we live together in the same household. What do I need to do? We don't have the same insurance company and does that mean I have to terminate my current insurance and switch to his company? Or a lot more need to be done? I have no clue. This means big savings for me so please help. Thank you!

Can I buy term life insurance for my aunt who lives in CA?

I live in Florida and was just wondering if I can purchase a term life insurance policy for my aunt in California? Will the term life insurance policy be in my name or her name, because I will be paying for the policy?""

I dont understand why my car insurance quote is so high?

i'm almost 17 so ideally i would like to get a car as soon as possible. I've been looking around for insurance and the cheapest quote i have got is 4000 for a 1.0 volkswagen lupo? I know the price varies with what area you live in, but when my sister first got insured she payed around 1000?""

Is it legal for me to drive my friends car with my own insurance?

So my friend and I bought a car, however he does not have insurance yet, and I have comprehensive, liability and theft insurance for my own vehicle which is a Honda, now while I use his car, would it be legal for me to drive the car using my own insurance card? I have a notarized letter from my friend that I am allowed to use the car.""

Could a person have too many insurance policies?

i have 5 from 2 different companies, 3 different agents...coz i have difficulty saying no...is that too much?""

Need cheap no-name insurance companies for motorcycle insurance?

Well, i live in Florida where motorcycle insurance is not required at all. But I need comprehensive insurance at least (and maybe liability too) so that I wont have to cry over a stolen bike after a week of purchase. I'm buying this bike in cash (2008 ninja 250R) and still big insurance companies like progressive and geico will charge me a thousand bucks a year for liability and comprehensive coverages alone. So, I need to know the names of some small insurance companies who wont use their big and flashy names to jack up their prices. please help. I dont wanna pay 1000 bucks a year for a 3500 dollar bike. Thanks.""

Cheap car & insurance for young male driver?

Cheap car & insurance for young male driver? My brother is 23. He has passed his licence 2 years ago and his pass plus 1 1/2 years ago. He's still struggling to find a car & insurance that he can afford. He's not fussy about the type of car so long as it's not a girls car (ie chiqichenco). The insurance can be third party etc. He has a budget of 400 for the car, what should he buy? The insurance quotes so far for various 1.0l-1.3l cars have all been over 1000 which is out of his price range. Any help would be greatly appreciated. xxx""

""9 months owning phone with no insurance, but adding insurance now?

could I still get a replacement today after adding my insurance?

Car insurance for husband and wife.?

Recently I went to insure my daughter and her car in the company me and my wife have been insured for some time. I wanted to include myself in her insurance but it went up in premiums a lot and we decided to insure her without me as an additional driver. Before that (last year to be exact) I insured my wife and I was included as a second driver. Basically, I was advised to do so on the basis that it would be cheaper. I heard about this option before and therefore did not check it properly with this company. This time (with my daughter) this option went an opposite way with higher premiums, so I asked them whether I can exclude myself from my wife's insurance as well because my insurance allows me to drive any car, but was told: ...because you are husband and wife, by law you cannot drive her car without being included in her insurance policy whatsoever... I am suspicious about this statement now and feel that I am being cheated. Does anybody know whether this rule exist or is it just the usual salesmen lie? Thank you.""

How much car insurance do I need?

I'm a graduate student that has little saved due to paying my way through college and I drive a 1997 Dodge intrepid, of which kelly has a personal value of around 1,500 and a sale by used car dealer at around 3,000. I was curious to have some opinions as to how much car insurance one things I should get? I'm going to school in illinois, but my true home is in indiana so I could claim either state (not that I've seen it make much of a difference). From what I have found 100/300/50 is recommended, but I'm more looking as to whether collision or comprehensive is even worth it at this point due to my car's value? I (knock on wood) haven't been in an car accident while driving and I am a safe driver that follows within 5 of the posted speed limits (unless traffic is going 20+over).""

Are insurance companies allowed to take skin colour into consideration when working out a cost?

If it is found that black people make more claims can the use this

Can i put my car under my dad's name to have cheaper insurance?

if do, why insurance company do that, they should have known that this second car is for customers' child""

What would be the insurance policy on a 2013 Mustang GT/CS?

Make believe it is the summer of 2014 and I just bought the stated car above. How much would a typical insurance go for a used Stang with around 7,000 miles in a small city(like Gainsville) go for?""

Driving without auto insurance?

what are the concusguences

So where do I get health insurance?

My job doesn't give me health insurance and I'm usually broke and mommy and daddy can't get it for me. Where do I go to get health insurance?

How much would car insurance be for this person?

for a girl 16 years old, doesnt own a car in the state of NJ. any more info ill be glad to help. im asking because i want to know about how much it will cost will different insurances for me alone.""

How much would the insurance cost for a 2005 Mazda rx8?

I'm 17, I live in Georgia, & I'm about to obtain my license. I've had my permit for almost a year now, & I am deciding on getting an rx8 for Christmas, but I don't know if the insurance will be high or not. Could anyone possibly tell me? btw, we are on Allstate.""

Purchasing car insurance?

I need a step by step guide to adding another car and driver to my mom's policy. I have a 1995 Ford Contour. How long will it take for her to get coverage on my car? How do I get proff of insurance?

Car insurance!?

I have recently bought a new car but im 21 years old. the car is in my name but i want the main driver to be my dad and then me as an additional driver. is there any cheap insurance companies that will allow that. or has any1 aged 21 that has been driving for 2.5years got cheap insurance thanks

What will an insurance company offer to settle for a possible neck injury?

I was rear-ended by another car. I reported to the insurance company of the person who hit me that my neck was a little sore. They offered me $700 to sign a release form without me even asking. I told the claims adjuster I needed to think about it. Short of getting a lawyer, what could I expect to be offered? I am sure insurance companys have a set amount that they will pay to get me to sign the release form. Anyone know about how much that would be?""

""I don't own a car, was involved in a wetreckless, and need good, cheap car insurance, can anyone help?!!?""

I don't own a car, was involved in a wetreckless, and need good, cheap car insurance, can anyone help?!!?""

Questions about car insurance?

I understand that I will need car insurance and when I do get my first car my insurance will be high (I'm 17). My parents don't drive, so I can't rely upon them. Tell me if I'm wrong and help me out... 1. So the big picture of car insurance is that if I get into an accident, the money I put for my car will be paid for with the money I put in? 2. Will car insurance cover anything I do with the car? (Such as swapping parts, oil change, etc.) 3. Why does insurance quotes matter? Doesn't the more you pay the better coverage you have? Why do you need to save money? Are they trying to make you pay less so you if your accident can't be paid fully, you will pay with some other type? 4. How much will insurance supposedly cost? My first part-time job will only pay approx. 30k a year, I don't know how much I'll lose. 5. Does the type of car affect how much I will pay? (Hopefully, but I will be getting a Scion FR-S automatic) 6. Which car insurance company is mostly recommended for teenagers? Thanks for your help!""

16-24 yr olds: What do you know about insurance?

I am working on a research project about insurance for 16-24 year olds. This information is for research purposes only and will in no way be shared or sold to anyone. The intent is to gather information from high school/college age students on their perceptions on insurance. What types of insurance would you like to purchase? (auto, health, college, iPad, smartphone, etc.) Have you been purchased insurance? If yes, what type? If no, have you been involved in purchasing insurance? Do you carry insurance on each of your personal media devices? (e.g.smartphone, iPad, laptop, etc.) What do you know about insurance? Would you be willing to take a class on insurance if it meant receiving a discount on an insurance policy? If you were shopping for insurance, where would you go to look for an insurance quote? What are your hobbies? Do you belong to any sports/groups/organizations? If yes, which ones?""

Insurance Group for Cars?

Hi, I am planning to buy a second hand car, I.e., when I search the car through net, it says Insurance Group is 4/5/6 etc. Can any one tell me how the Insurance Group are being defined which Grade enables me to pay less premium? Which Insurance Group car I should look for ideally? Thanks in advance. Regards, Reed.""

Car Insurance for Teen Drivers?

How much is the discount for having good grades? i think you need at least a 3.0 GPA to qualify for something i think that's called the Good Student Discount . does anyone know any other information about this?

Your personal experiences with Progressive Auto insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/auto-insurance-found-wawanesa-cheaper-than-mercury-eulah-rosenda"

0 notes

maahistrash · 6 years

Note

all of them >:3 all the asks

OH WOW THIS BLOG’S FIRST ASK !!!!! OKAY VERY LONG POST AHEAD🕸 1. Who’s the oldest character of yours that you still use?vincent and francis! my boys have been through a fuck ton of development, from halloween of 2015 to now.. they used to be youtuber ocs, and.. well.. yeah i love them both with all my heart!!!⭐️ 2. Who’s the oldest character of yours, defunct or not?a pegasus named raven who is highkey defunct (mlp oc oof) but lmao her story makes me think i should give her an arc, and maybe put her in another form.. 💡 3. Has creating a character ever made you realize something about yourself?a bunch of times this has happened actually.. vin made me realize im not straight, nargis made me realize im not cis at all, and vin/nate really made me realize how much i self-project, esp in vin’s case🦋 4. Any minor characters that have either taken over or branched off into their own stories?nar was originally supposed to be a very side character, but his concept hit me right in the spot and i wanted to make him a main oc! and kenny has branched off into his own story, so has alde!🐲 5. Do you prefer to make human, animal, monster, or _____ characters? Why?i like humanoid ocs better bc its a more familiar thing to me? its easier for me to write human-like ocs than animals, but monsters are also REALLY FUN. demons are fair game, usually my ocs are humans with powers, or humanoids as i say.elves also play a big role in my stories but i guess that also counts as humanoid!🎨 6. When creating a character, do you come up with the visual concept or the written concept first?it really depends on the kind of oc itself but usually i write up the backstory before i even try designing. that way its easier for me to add elements of their past in their appearance, for consistency i.e. scars, birthmarks, style, etc.📌 7. Do you have characters that you know you’ll never use, but can’t bear to get rid of/recycle?elijah :( i dont think i can fit him anywhere in the big story arc and that makes me sad bc i really love his concept! (he’s a half-swedish half-american water witch with gay moms) (and his last name is jerkeryoff… he was a joke oc i fell in love with)💖 8. Is there a character that embodies your good traits, or traits you wish you had?fran or nar have traits i wish i had. theyre both sweet, helpful, unselfish, and though fran’s slightly more a pushover than nar, they’ve both gone through hell and come back shining and stronger. i wish i could do that. i hope i can.💔9. Is there a character that embodies your bad traits? Several characters? Which ones and what traits?i put a bit of myself in all my ocs, and it shows sometimes. vin has a lot of my bad traits (mentally ill [badly], prone to addiction, self-doubt, actually self-loathing really) and nate does too (selfishness, aggressive, mouth runs before brain does)rip♨️ 10. Is there a character that explores your interests or fetishes (orrrr is that just all of you characters)?interests? yes. vin does music, which im VERY interested in, and fran is really interested in space and astrology, like me! fetishes? ………….maybe…. talk to me to find out :^)✒️ 11. If you have characters that embody certain traits of yours—good or bad—has writing them changed how you view those traits? Has it affected you in any way?yeah. it’s been both, tbh. vin’s family drama and stuff and how it affected him kinda helped me, or is helping me, get through shit. it’s changed my view on divorce. not really elaborating but yeah. fran’s anxiety also worked this way, and his shyness too. the more i wrote of these things, the more i realized how much i empathized. then i realized i self project lmaO💭 12. Do you fantasize about being any of your characters, or are you more detached?if i was detached from my kids would i make a separate blog for them and have tags……… i love them and i think abt them all the time,,, fantasizing is the #1 reason i have any backstories whatsoever!🎵 13. Do you create playlists for your characters?ive been WANTING to for a WHILE but theres so many ocs and not enough time. one day i will .. i can’t use spotify because its banned where i live so maybe youtube or 8tracks? idk but when i end up making these lists i will share them!!!🎇 14. When writing for specific characters, is there anything you have to do to get into the right mindset?oh yeah def!! i need to be able to relate to the character, and see myself in their shoes, otherwise it’s hard for me to write them properly !!🌻 15. Which character is your guilty pleasure?cam…. for sure audsdafhnai he’s what i aspire to be honestly🌩 16. Is there a character of yours who’s a real struggle to write/draw? Why do you think that is?nobody really, i have a good time writing/drawing all my ocs! 🔑 17. Which character is the easiest to draw/write?the ones ive had for a longer time, i find, are easier for me to write.. so fran/vin, honestly. ive had growth with them, it’s kinda like we went through development together, and we did!!💎 18. Is there anything you really wish you could do, character-design-wise, that you feel is outside your current skillset? A concept that you wish you could pull off but are uncertain about?yeah… i wish i could pull off demons and stuff related to them. i want to make my lore super deep but then it’s not easy bc i barely have time to give, and demons in my universe would be super immersed in the lore. or um.. yknow, ships within my own ocs, instead of other peoples.🏆 19. What’s more important to you: visual design, unique personality, a trendy character aesthetic, etc? If you’re not sure, then what’s the first thing you usually nail down in a character?the first thing i nail down in a character is how theyre related to the big story. this means how they can be linked to other ocs, relationships, familial or friendly, or even past romances. then i figure out their personality from these things, and then i make the design! to me an in-depth personality is more important than anything, it’s a key to character development. people think cool designs are all that matters, but to grab attention, a complex character makes sense. of course, i feel this because i’m planning to write a book, not make comics. visual appeal does exist ! and i believe in it. but i link personality to looks, and making the personality complex is more realistic and it’s easier to avoid mary sues then.🎬 20. Do you ever plan to do anything (comic, animation, etc) with your characters? Or are you just happy to have them?originally i never wanted to write a book with my kids! i was content just roleplaying. but one of my friends said that they have potential in a story arc, and that the way these people are connected is interesting (this is 2016, with my first three, and oldest ocs, fran, vin, and nate) i was really happy to hear that and got interested in writing a book, hopefully a series, with my ocs! and i plan to make this happen!!!thank u for asking, droki!!

#asks #mayonnaise #ur tags apply here too ok #everybody #dev

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ellerevelle · 7 years

Text

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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owlways-and-forever · 7 years

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Cześć kochanie! Fairy lights, moodboard, sunrise, bands, grunge, lightning, love proszę! (Mira)

Dzięki Mira, kochanie!!

Fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

if i’ll ever find love, and with who

Moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I grew up like an old timey kid, I didn’t watch much tv, I played outside all the time, when the whole family was together the kids roamed free and nobody knew what we were doing, and all that was great, so in that sense, yes, i had a happy childhood. But i also struggled a lot with my parents divorce, and i remember experiencing depression first when i was 12, so in those senses, it wasn’t entirely happy. but isn’t everyone’s childhood (and life really) a combination?

Sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Differences of language and habit are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. - JK Rowling, Goblet of Fire

I love this quote because I feel like its something we could all do with remembering these days. We get so caught up in who’s from what country, and who’s what religion, but the thing is that none of it matters. It doesn’t matter if we’re different ethnicities or different religions as long as we’re all open to each other and we all want the same things, if we all want peace.

Bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Two years ago, I had a particularly difficult few months, in which I lost four family members in the span of three months, some very unexpectedly. about a month and a half later, patd released doab, and impossible year in particular was somewhat of a respite, and i listened to it constantly for a while.

Grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

sillier answer - it’d be great to get a letter from my crush saying he’s madly in love with me.

more serious answer - from someone dead, idk my aunt or one of my grandparents, just idk telling me things are going to be okay, that they’re proud of me, giving me advice? just anything really, just to hear from them. if it has to be someone living, then i guess from my ex, saying that everything that happened is okay, that he forgives me. i was young and still having a lot of trouble dealing with some of my issues, and it affected our relationship in negative ways, and being older and wiser now, i know that a lot of it wasnt healthy or fair, and it would be nice to know that its okay, no hard feelings.

Lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS, ITS STORY TIME. I’ve got two different stories and one is more funny embarrassing kind of worst and the other is like shit show kind of worst.

Story #1. It’s sophomore year of college, Halloween, and I have a 9am flight back home in the morning, but my friend convinces me to go to the frats with her anyway, and we proceed to get shitfaced, and it should be known that I’m banned from using my phone when drunk because I have an embarrassing tendency to text anyone I can manage to open a conversation with “omg you’re so hot”. Except on this particular night, my friend decided to hook up with one of the frat guys, and me, not wanting to abandon her in a frat house, decided to park my ass in the hallway at like, the opposite end of the hall. But of course, then I’m bored as well as plastered, so I whip out my phone because aha there’s no one to stop me anymore, and I start talking to this guy in my class that I sort of had a thing for. And it’s going pretty well, we’re chatting, and I’m rapidly becoming more incoherent as the alcohol kicks in, and he asks me “how is it possible that you’ve become completely incoherent in such a short time span” to which my answer, i shit you not, was “idkkkk but you’re hottttt” perfectly executed, not a single letter out of place. i dont remember what his answer was because what really stands out is that apparently i also decided to try to send this message to my mother at 3:00 in the morning. which of course prompted her to try to call me at 4am because she got a completely unintelligible text message and obviously she thought i was being kidnapped.

Story #2. when i was in morocco, a bunch of university kids decided to throw a fourth of july party for the american students, and so they rented a house and got lots of beer and liquor and assorted drugs and really whatever they could get their hands on. so we’re partying and having fun, and i decide i want a little bit of a buzz, so my friend and i decide to go try to find some weed to smoke, except what they dont teach you in language classes is how to ask for weed, so we’re trying to mime this to some guys and idk eventually we think we’re all on the same page, so she and i start smoking with them, and we smoke a lot, like seriously, large quantities of weed, and naturally i make out with one of the guys in return for the weed, and this guy that i sort of liked walked in on us, which was kind of awk, and so then i went after him and told him that it should’ve been him i was making out with, could still be him if he wanted (why i thought that was a good idea i’ll never know), anyway, at some point i went upstairs, talked to this other guy who is super awesome, but he’s drinking out of a bowl which is very confusing to my mind so i ask about it and he says its magic soup, and im like holy shit magic soup thats fucking awesome, and he gives it to me to try and im like wtf dude that is not magic soup thats fucking beer, i spend some time talking to people, the whole time i cant seem to decide which language i want to speak like im switching back and forth every other sentence. i go back downstairs and am hanging out (i may have smoked some more, i dont remember?) and then i decide to go upstairs, and someone else also goes upstairs, but at this point the paranoia starts to set in and i decide that the other person is following me, so i fucking run upstairs, crying, and find my sober friend, and cant manage to explain whats wrong so my friend is just kind of like okay how bout some sleep and helps me get settled, except the poor guy has to also take care of our other friend who’s vomiting, but i start sobbing every time im left alone, so its a fucking mess, and then somebody says the police are coming, so we all fucking run for it, except its like 2-3am and our university is closed campus, and the gates are locked until 6am, so we cant go back, so we find a park and decide to sleep there, and which point i’m a royal pain in the ass, and magic soup guy has to give me is button down and backpack so i can sleep comfortably on my bench, and then at 6am we went back to campus, got out stuff, and met the bus for an 8 hour drive to the fucking desert and let me tell you ive never wanted someone to kill me more than i did on that fucking bus ride. and that’s when i found out that it wasn’t weed we’d been smoking at all it was hasish, and long story short don’t ever smoke hashish like its weed because it will fuck you up

Love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Once, a long time ago. He used to say there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I don’t know when I realized I was in love with him though, to be honest. It was such a long dance for us - first I hated him, then we were friends, then we were trading off liking each other while seeing other people. I guess… I guess there were two moments when I knew, kind of related. The first was shortly before we started dating. I wore a claddagh ring, one that I’d gotten in a flea market for like $10, but I never took it off, except when I was swimming. One day, I’d been at his house and we’d gone swimming, and I accidentally left my ring there, and I was freaking out when I realized, He wore it for a few days until he could get it back to me, and we had an in depth conversation about why it was so important to me, and I told him that it was symbolic but the actual physical ring meant nothing, and he told me that when he went to ireland a month later he wanted to get me a new one, so that i’d have one that meant something to me, not just symbolically. it was really touching, the fact that he paid attention to how important it was to me, and he wanted to do something to make it even more special. and to not even expect anything in return, i just remember feeling so special, like i was precious to someone else, irreplaceable, and it was an amazing feeling. the second time was i guess a little less than two months after we started dating, he was playing with the ring and made a comment about one day getting married, and he wouldn’t get me a diamond ring, he’d get me sapphire. it’s such a small thing, but it was… he knew me so well. i dont like diamonds, never really have, they’re too glittery and fancy for my taste, but anyway, idk just being with someone who knew me well enough to know that about me without me ever saying it, or ever really thinking about it, it just, idk, i felt like i was whole, complete. i felt like he was my other half, and it was just a very warm and fuzzy feeling, idk.

#ask gen #ginnyweasiee #well that was a lot of personal information #sorry if thats oversharing guys #personal #gtky

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