#like fucking no its not i cant do basic ass math without even a calculator!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carissaspiring · 7 years

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Dude I’m sorry I just. Got shit running through my mind and I don’t know exactly where to put it but I don’t want it In Here so I’m just writing this out on my stupid ass lil blog. It’s really long (possibly triggering? Just stuff I’m frustrated with lately. Talking about general size/ weight without numbers, restricting and the false comfort of it. Not sure what else could trigger other than maybe just underlying negativity but absolutely don’t feel obligated to read this.) so sorry for the scrolling Lol.

So okay. When I started losing weight I was very big and that was just like. The general consensus. I was just big. And I was okay with it for the most part? I’d already pretty much worked through and gotten past the idea of my weight making me unattractive and unlovable and all that and I would generally have told you how anything suggesting that is utter bullshit and idk I just didn’t care about how it made me look all that much? What DID bother me I think, without me even realizing suuuper consciously, was the assumptions people would make about the way I lived just by looking at my body. Like around the time the restricting started, I was being called lazy, unmotivated, selfish, “never going to make it on your own”, and “you contribute nothing” on the daily. The insults weren’t about my weight, just that in general, i sucked and couldn’t do anything for myself. Kinda starts making you feel powerless…..and..out of control and ding ding ding hELLO RESTRICTING. That’s exactly what so many people say restriction gives them. A sense of control. That’s exactly what it gave me and of COURSE that would be appealing to me. And I don’t even know how to explain this but, at first, weight loss was not the direct goal even? The actual goal was to just..restrict. Like I wanted to “test my limits” and just prove to myself that I was capable of doing something hard. But of course that does result in weight loss. And…. I really started liking that. My entire life I’ve always wished to be thinner even if I wasn’t actively pursuing it. “I need to lose weight” was just a phrase I always identified with similar to having blue eyes. So I guess it felt good that I was making things happen for myself for once. Kind of a sense of doing the impossible because I never had faith in myself that I’d be able to lose that much weight ever. But ANYWAY. In the beginning, appearance wasn’t too much of a concern, I never expected I’d get down to even this weight, definitely didn’t think I’d ever get “skinny.” Just wasn’t my issue, but maaan. I can not tear my mind away from the fact that even after everything I’ve put myself through..I’m still big. Less big. But big. And it bothers me SO MUCH. Like everyone says how much better I look now and I look “healthy” and that’s just fuckin weird idk. Like ok cool, glad u don’t think I’m hideous anymore, thanks, but uhhhhhh. I..am literally….starving. Not exactly sure how I’ve achieved the healthy look through that lmao. Sometimes it feels nice to hear that and other times it feels like..fuck it really DOES NOT matter what the hell I put myself through so long as it makes me look the way I’m “supposed to.” Also add in the part where I don’t even agree that my body looks good. At all. Like I guess I just see myself as obese still even though I’m not and that’s a super weird feeling. But everyone says I look good now and I should start maintaining now and they basically act like I’m supposed to just take their opinions as my own and just go with what THEY think is ideal and it bothers me. Like I KNOW i have to do CERTAIN things with my body just for health and I get that, but I don’t like people telling me when my body is at Peak Attractiveness because like..It’s never fucking MATTERED what I want for my body has it?? When I was obese, I didn’t hate my body as much as I do now. I didn’t change my appearance for myself. I LEARNED to hate my body and I LEARNED to want to make it ideal and none of it is what I, myself, wanted. So it rubs me wrong when people say “your figure looks so cute now and I think you could stop losing weight now” because, Jesus Christ, thanks for the fucking permission you asshole, and honestly I didn’t ask. A simple “oh you’ve lost weight” is acceptable, but just…don’t fucking tell me where you think I should go from here. And I KNOW I can’t lose too much more and stay, like, healthy, but that’s some shit I need to work out myself. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought there was even the slightest possibility that I could EVER become underweight, and at this point, I’m not, but like I’m starting to see I can’t just….Keep losing weight forever. Soon enough there’s going to be nothing left to lose and that’s kind of hard to deal with. My entire life has become a stupid fucking Weight Loss Journey™ and I have sacrificed soooo much in the process and…when I don’t have anymore left to lose..like..what happens? Weight loss has literally become my life. I gave up everything for this and I have no solid answers for who I am or what I stand for like I used to. Weight loss is what I have. So I’m scrambling just trying to figure out what I’m going to do? It’s been my whole world and when that’s gone..?? What am I left with? I gave up way too much and I will be left empty at the end. I don’t exactly want there to be an end, but I’m already in treatment and I highly highly highly doubt they would ever allow my weight to go too low without hospitalizing me so it’s not even a realistic possibility and plus, I could not be more sick of living like this. Weight Loss Journey™ is supposed to be that stupid shit your annoying aunt posts about on Facebook with stuff about apple cider vinegar and gluten free muffins. It’s not supposed to actually be your life. I lost my identity and I don’t even use the eating disorder as an identity because just. Something this dumb can NOT count as an identity. I won’t let it. It’s seriously JUST FOOD and it should not be this complex. But I basically feel like this void of a human that just floats through the day making calculations around my body and what I put in it. Like a machine but it has the ability to WORRY about its calculations. So a giant mistake on the part of some scientist basically is what I am. I just miss feeling things. Like. People things. My emotions anymore are basically able to be seen from MyFitnessPal logs and nothing is ever more than anxiety around numbers. Like, god please, just..let me worry about something normal. I want to feel things. I want my mind to be able to be on something other than this. It’s all that ever runs through my mind and I. CANT. STOP. IT. I feel so entirely out of control and @myself when I started this shit, let me tell ya. This did not make me in control. I’m just out of control in a different way now and a more dangerous way. And god damn it, I wish I knew how to make the numbers stop. I hate math. I hate math. I hate math. This is not who I’m supposed to be. Can’t shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong. I mean, something IS deeply wrong so it makes sense but yeah. That’s all.

#personal #sorry this is so long omg #there's no actual point to this I just needed to get that out #probably nobody will read this but that is okay #the void is a good listener #tw: ed thoughts #tw: ed #tw: weight loss #ed recovery #op

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