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#like i KNOW i fit the diagnostic criteria for atypical anorexia. i know i do. but i feel like i dont
golisopod-mutual ยท 3 years
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:/
#dont read these ok im just upset lol#vent hours lol#i HATE that im still not convinced i had an e.d. im stuck between feeling like i do and feeling like i dont and i hate it bc it ends up w m#just feeling like i might have one? but i also might be invalid and faking it#and so i end up just feeling shitty and invalid. and like i dont deserve help and/or couldnt get help if i wanted to#i had an ok day today. i ate approx. 1500 calories. which is a lot for me and its causing some anxiety im trying to ignore#but now im like 'oh i ate a lot today so surely i dont have a disorder right?'#like i KNOW i fit the diagnostic criteria for atypical anorexia. i know i do. but i feel like i dont#i feel like i should be afraid of carbs and eating 200 calories a day and obsessively exercising. and im not like that#and bc thats what my brain says an ed looks like it says i dont have one bc im not doing those things#and then theres the whole 'oh you cant have a restrictive e.d youre overweight' thing that i cant shake#every time i start to really believe i have an ed the invalidating thoughts pop back up and i go back to feeling like im a fraud#i wish i was sicker so i could just know for sure and so ppl would take me and my problem seriously#and i know wanting to be sicker is not something a normal healthy person does! i know that!!#i know ppl without an ed dont do half the shit i do. and yet i still cant convince myself i have one#and i hate that if i came out and said to the ppl in my life 'oh lol i think i have an e.d' ppl would assu#assume i was lying#bc im not thin or sick enough!!!#and everyone just wants to tell me how great i look now and how awesome my weight loss has been and how ive inspired them to diet too#and i really cant stand it!!! thinking bout that tweet thats like 'ppl wont tell you you're fat but they'll tell you if you USED to be fat'#everyone tells me how great im doing bc nobody cares if im starving myself and purging after i eat.#all they care abt is that the fat girl is losing weight#and idk how to cope w that!! how do i handle ppl unknowingly encouraging me to starve myself bc they cant shut up abt how cool#my weight loss is and how much better i look now?#and i hate the discrepancy between my brain n my feelings bc i know logically i fit diagnostic criteria for an ed but i dont FEEL like i do#and the feelings usually win out over the logic and then i feel like a big fraud whos faking it
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