Tumgik
#like i just wanna fall hopelessly in love with someone who loves me too
tiyoin · 1 day
Note
Now I'm thinking about twisted anxiety reader being able to sing really well. I feel like there could be some very interesting/funny moments (4 us not reader).
Reader probably only sings in a reclusive area like a forest around the dorm
I wanna say that the forest already has haunting rumors about it ,and when someone (jade or rook) hears reader singing they think that the "ghost" is up and active again. So students start doing a "test of courage" type thing.
I put Jade or Rook being the one to hear reader cuz they're really the only ones that would really be in that area without a reason.
I also know they're intelligent enough to know it's not a ghost ,but start the rumor anyways cuz they want to know who's singing. And it becomes this big thing the school trying to figure out.
Cut to reader losing her mind cuz she like "wow, I didn't know people thought it was that bad. How am I supposed to live, laugh, love ever again??"
When in reality they were just memorized by reader's singing. And they really want to find out who it is.
Bonus points if they film it and sent it to the group chat you posted about earlier. And reader just has to be like 🧍‍♀️ "whattt???? No way!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ a random voice in the woods 😱😱"
I'm sorry for sending 2 long asks back 2 back ,but twisted anxiety just gets my head going.
Also if you don't like being sent stuff like this just tell me and I won't send any more. I don't want to over step at all. These are just like head cannons I give to reader ,cuz I just love making things worse for her. Can't let her know what peace is
YOU
hOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN MY HEAD 🫵
i’m going to give you the fattest smooch alive you don’t understand. AND I LOVE IT WHEN I GET LONG ASKS!!! so please! ask away i don’t mind, i actually get really flattered that people want to share with me their long, detailed thoughts !! i was actually nervous people wouldn’t like my long responses 😖
no cause that’s ALWAYS one troupe i ALWAYS go back to.
i was thinking about making them a singer, REALLY I WAS- but i had second thoughts cause i thought people wouldn’t like it / maybe people would think its too… y-nie or im trying to make twisted anxiety reader too much, ya know
BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU MEAH MWAH (also dw i got your other ask and fully plan on answering it, this one was just at the top of my inbox 🫶🫶)
but oh my god,,,, HEAR ME OUT;
twisted anxiety reader getting pent up because they. have. no. outlet.
none.
maybe they played a sport in their old world, but no longer can’t because seriously?? going up against beastmen, mermen, fae and just,,, men?! absolutely not.
they can’t do anything fun in ramshackle because of the ghosts can and will find a way to stick their noses into your business. also hello??? no privacy at ramshackle👎👎
honestly, twisted anxiety reader doesn’t have any friends so they can’t blow off steam that way either. and going to the gym is out of the question because 1. anxiety 2.gym bros- and working out at home is… different.
so there has to be a way to let off steam… good thing twisted anxiety reader dilly dallied in everything!!
they want to sing but aren’t confident enough to join the pop music club, and the walls to ramshackle are paper thin.
there’s absolutely no where you can go.
and yet… every time you glance at the forest. you can’t help but wonder…🤔
AND IVE ALWAYS IMAGINED READER SINGING
“everything stays” from adventure time
“love all mine” by mitski
“rises the moon” by liana flores
“sky fall” by adele
“memory” from cats
“listen” by beyoncé
“hopelessly devoted” by olivia newton-john
oh my god i have to make a separate post for this before i completely rot and accidentally write a whole chapter because i’ve been WAITING to write about this and i’d feel bad about making this SUPER LONG
but i can’t imagine rook going for a sunset “hike” (…sure, let’s go with that) and hearing you. belting your little heart to “hopelessly devoted” HAGFJAIWOFOSOWOFOAPEIFOZOQFOXOD
Tumblr media
ROOK IS AWE STRUCK
such passion! such devotion! how marvelously beautiful! rook is stunned.
of course after you finish singing he can hear you moan and groan about trivial things but- rook hunt was not a hunt if he didn’t appreciate the gift the forest provided.
and yet, the carful hunter made a careless mistake. cursing silently, he glared at the twig his boots stepped on before he snapped his head up to the clearing up ahead.
ah, you fled.
to say rook was… upset was an understatement. yes he was able to marvel in your voice, but he lost the privilege to listen to more, to observe from afar.
the strange songs you sang and possibly wrote (what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him) are gone with the wind and the high step of your foot as you vanished into thin air.
rook could easily hunt you down, but he stopped himself after a slight muscle twitch. non non! he was the enjoyer of beauty! not the hunter! yes he hunted beauty but it would go against his very being to trap it instead of let it fly free and continue its song.
so let this be your little secret, okay.
jade would def walk into you singing ‘everything stays’
OR OR ROOK N JADE BOTH TAG TEAMING READER IN THE CHAT SAYING HOW THEY WISH TO MEET THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICED GOREST ‘NYMPH’ SO THEY CAN HEAR MORE OF THEIR SONGS
readers just like;
😟
“time to find a new location☝️”
*there’s no where those two won’t be able to find you fyi*
TWISTED ANXIETY READER WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE‼️‼️ NOT AS LONG AS IM HERE‼️‼️
please send more headcanons i love reading them 🙇🏻🙇🏻
babes this is me n u rn:
Tumblr media
35 notes · View notes
lowkeyremi · 4 months
Note
Hello Maya! Before I start my request, I just wanna say, I love your writing!!! I've been reading your things for a few weeks now (I'm new to tumbler) and I'm hooked!!
Anywho- I was listening to "Enchanted" by Taylor Swift and it gave me the idea of fem!reader meeting Satoru at some big event for sorcerers and falling hopelessly in love with him
heyyyyyy thank you for reading my stuff and i'm really happy you made a request, i've been hoping someone would bc i want to write ideas other than my own. i'm not huge on taylor swift so i had to listen to this song lol its pretty good :) you ask and i shall provide!! also i'm sorry if this isn't what you had in mind :')
Enchanted S. Gojo x fem!reader
wc: 1.1k
content: fluff, meeting and getting together
Tumblr media Tumblr media
The night hadn't been going so well. You spilled some of your drink on your dress. That was borrowed from your friend might you add. Three guys that showed any potential interest were already with someone and their dates angrily pulled them away from you.
There are whispers about the oh so famous Satoru Gojo, and how he's finally made an appearance with his long time friend Nanami.
You've heard plenty about him, he's the famous sorcerer from Jujutsu High that has six eyes. He can solve any problem and he's said to be very hot. Honestly you're kind of a hater, you think people are gassing him up for no reason.
You've never personally met him but his description makes it hard to miss him if you see him; white hair blue eyes, but he'll likely be wearing an eye mask.
A sigh escapes your lips as you walk toward the bar for another drink, you would have invited your best friend but she's not a sorcerer and would not get it at all. "Hi, sorry for being back so soon, but could I get a strawberry margarita?" The woman behind the bar nods.
Before she can walk off though, a silky, carefree voice makes a request with your order, "Me too! Never tried strawberry margarita. Sounds pretty fruity." This day is already bad so you turn your head to see who just made it even worse-
A pretty white haired man stands by your side, piercing blue eyes peaking through sunglasses that look down right ridiculous at such a formal event. "Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors??" Is the first thing you ask, no 'Hi how are you?' or 'why are you ordering drinks on my tab?'
"Cuz I could make everyone faint with my pretty blue eyes." He smirks, confidence evident in every word.
You look confused and he finds it cute. A foreign feeling stirs in your stomach. "Just kidding. I'd waste my power if my glasses were off. Actually, I was advised not to wear them, but I didn't wanna wear my mask for this event. I have it in my pocket just in case though." He's so light and bubbly you almost forget what you were fuming about.
"You're Gojo right?" He smiles and gives a quick nod.
"And you must be 'girl with a stain on her dress', huh?" You fight the urge to roll your eyes.
"Woo that was a good one, almost made my stomach hurt from laughter." You counter sarcastically; the moodiness coming back to you.
"Haha, my bad. Anyway when we get drinks I'll find us somewhere to sit and I'll make you laugh for real." That confidence is still there. You love funny people, they're exciting to be around.
"I'm holding you to that. I need a good laugh." His smile consists of all his pearly whites and is enough to make you, or anyone around you melt.
He goes to pay for your drink, and even hands it to you. "I have to say you are way less selfish than people make you out to be."
The man in question shrugs and smirks at you, "I am very selfish about certain things, childish even. It's only the first date though so pretend you don't know about that." He waves his hand dismissively. You couldn't even care about the fact he admitted to selfishness, you're stuck up on the part where he said this is a date.
"Who said this is a date?" He notices you're trying to play it cool, but he can see right through you.
"I did. I mean if you want, we can think of it more as a blind date since it wasn't planned." Something about him doesn't rub you the wrong way or make you angry at all. He's definitely an odd ball, but he's able to make you feel something in your gut that you haven't felt in a very long time, maybe not ever, actually.
"I- what- you can't just-" You cut yourself off, lost for words, trying to comprehend what he'd just said.
He intertwines his fingers with yours. They're cold to the touch, long and slender. He does that thing where you rub your thumb across all the other fingers. On top of that he gives you that love struck gaze. You're all kinds of confused because why is someone like him trying to flirt with you??? He could literally have any other pretty sorcerer but he's walking you over to a fancy table to sit and talk.
"Ugh, you're supposed to have warm hands to contrast my cold ones." He complains, and if you weren't already stunned then you definitely were now. He's swinging his arm back in forth, with you mirroring it because he's holding your hand.
"I can't help my hands being cold, maybe you should be the one with the warm hands." He shrugs at your response. The swinging stops when you two reach a table big enough for four and pulls out your chair for you.
"I normally don't do this but you're definitely worth it." a lopsided grin covers his face.
As nice as all of this is you look around for cameras. Your mind is telling you he means no harm, but you can never be too sure.
"Okay, is this some kind of joke or show?? Where are the cameras because this can't be real." The white haired six foot something giant's face contorts into something very (ugly) funny. His face scrunches up at your words.
"I can't believe you'd suggest something like that! I'm serious, I just want to be a normal guy and have a normal encounter with someone. So, can you just pretend I'm a normal date and not Gojo Satoru?" He's telling the truth and for the first time tonight you fully relax.
"Okay, hi normal guy. What do you like to do?" You ask playfully feeling enchanted by his charismatic presence. He makes you feel a sense of freedom like you never have before.
The rest of the night the two of you goof off and talk about all kinds of things. Eventually he's being dragged out by Nanami because of how drunk he is. He'd given you his number, "Call me!!!" He whines loudly while being led to the car he arrived in.
"Okay! When I do, don't forget everything from tonight." You yell back to him.
"Like hell I will!" And he was telling the truth because about two hours later when you were winding down for bed you get a call from an unknown number. Usually you wouldn't pick up but you have a feeling that the person on the other side was none other than Gojo normal guy.
"Hello?" You don't get a response for a few seconds, your stomach drops thinking you had miscalculated...
"I miss you already, when can I see you again?" He asks sleepily.
160 notes · View notes
kaeyas-beloved · 7 months
Text
Tumblr media
Character: Childe
— he’s hopelessly in love with you <333
CWs: spoilers for Childe’s real name, gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned), not proofread!
a/n: snatching this format that I’ve seen around Tumblr because I like it and it fits here. Will I use it again? Not a clue!
Tumblr media
hopelessly in love ajax who introduces you to his family relatively quickly and with little to no hesitation. childe feels with his whole being, love is no exception. so, when he can see a future with you, no matter what form that future may take, you meeting his family is the first step forward.
hopelessly in love ajax who’s all talk unless you make the first move. he can kiss you over and over and over again, teasing you along the way, but the moment you pull him forward and plant your lips on his face before he can is the same moment it’s all over for him.
hopelessly in love ajax who buys you gifts often but they all have sentimental value to them. he’ll but you flowers, handing them to you with the confession that he bought them because his love for you was too much to keep in his heart and no amount of words would describe what he was feeling. childe would also purchase your preferred jewelry - watch, ring, necklace, earrings, a bracelet, whatever you liked, as long as you promised to wear it whenever you went out. “so you’ll always have me with you!”
hopelessly in love ajax who refuses to let go of you once he has you in his arms. he acts like he might perish if he loses the warmth and love you radiate in your embrace! it’s not that he hasn’t received a hug in years, he gets plenty when he visits home, but there’s just something different in your hugs and cuddles that regular holds don’t have. a certain feeling they lack.
hopelessly in love ajax who grabs your wrist if you’re ever helping him take off his scarf or fatui mask, allowing his cheek to rest in your palm. you’ll find he nuzzles into it much like a cat would, but unlike a cat looking for warmth or to scratch an itch, ajax does it because your touch is one of the few things that soothes him after a long day, his mind instantly at ease.
hopelessly in love ajax who tries to impress you in any way he can. it starts simple enough, trying to flash his strength on the battle field and such, but the more he falls for you the more creative he gets. balancing a spoon on his nose, his (slowly improving) chopstick skills, leaping over decent sized creeks, anything to rouse some kind of pleasant response from you.
hopelessly in love ajax who flips between drowning you in whatever fancy dates his money can buy and the more simple, quieter date ideas. it’s never bad to change things up, he reasons, childe’s favourite being to take you out on walks through the nation’s scenery. whether it’s the snow dipped forests in snezhnaya, the golden mountains of liyue or even the green fields of mondstadt, as long as ajax is around, he’ll make sure you enjoy your time with him. (he certainly will be, because when dates like this happen is when he truly gets to connect with you!)
hopelessly in love ajax who’ll sometimes just stare at you. could be while you’re cuddling or sat at the table for a meal, his pretty blue eyes are on you, taking in all that you are. he’ll think how gorgeous you look, how luck he is someone like you loves someone like him, the darker sides of him and all. he thinks about how it’s now his mission to spoil and love you for the rest of his life, because anything less is a crime punishable by life behind bars.
Tumblr media
Tag list: @spoopy-fish-writes // @that-enby-alien // @xenuuu // @mariposa666haruka // @quackquackmfs // @saishin-michiyoshi // @ajaxstar // @genshin-impact-writings // @ventisweetheart // @lordbugs // @lemontum // @akiria12167 // @ari-the-wr1ter // @dontmindmebeing // @xiaos-wife // @irethepotato // @milkwithspiceyicecubes // @stygianoir // @stage-lucida
. . .
Wanna be tagged in future works? Consider filling out this form! And if you want to be removed just DM or send an ask into my inbox!
328 notes · View notes
icedmatchatae · 1 year
Text
Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You
Tumblr media
Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader
Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut
Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.
Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN
Word Count: 13.8k
Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist
Tumblr media Tumblr media
“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”
“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”
Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.
He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.
Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”
A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.
“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment. 
“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.
Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”
“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.
“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”
“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.
“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.
The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.
Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.
But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.
“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.
He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.
He truly was in love with you.
-
Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.
He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.
His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.
You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.
It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.
Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity. 
He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.
You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.
Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.
Damn, he really did need help.
Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.
As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—
Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying. 
Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.
He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.
-
Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.
“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.
“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.
“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”
She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”
“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.
The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”
“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”
“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”
The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”
“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”
Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”
“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.
“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”
“Yes, you have.”
“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.
“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.
“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”
“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”
“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”
“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”
His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”
Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.
The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.
“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”
Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.
Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”
The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“
Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.
Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.
-
“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.
“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”
“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”
The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”
“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.
Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.
You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.
His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”
“Do you still know the lyrics?”
“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.
“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.
You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”
“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.
“You are all of my life!” You continued.
“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.
On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer. 
-
“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”
The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers
“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.
Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.
“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”
You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.
“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.
On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.
However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.
Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.
Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.
“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”
You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.
“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).
You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”
Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.
However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”
Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.
Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.
“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.
“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.
“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.
Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”
Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.
“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”
Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.
Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.
“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”
You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”
Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.
“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.
Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”
“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.
“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”
“Taehyung, no!”
“Why not?!”
“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”
He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”
You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”
He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”
Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”
“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”
“Bu—”
“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”
“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.
“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”
“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”
“Then I’ll provide them for you.”
“Okay, that’s too mu—”
“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”
The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.
Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.
A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”
“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.
“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”
“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”
“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.
“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.
You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.
Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age. 
There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.
In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.
-
Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.
However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.
In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.
With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.
“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.
“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”
“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”
His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.” 
“What did you mean?”
“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”
While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”
“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”
“Like?”
“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”
Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.
Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?
He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.
Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?  
Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.
Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.
He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.
However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?
You had your first crush.
It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.
However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.
You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.
He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him? 
There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.
It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—
Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.
But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.
Fuck, it was too late.
-
Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.
Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.
The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.
With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”
You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.
So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.
“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”
“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”
-
After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.
Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.
When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.
Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.
“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.
“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”
“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”
“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”
“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”
“Blue—”
“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”
“___—”
“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”
“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.
Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.
“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”
“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”
“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”
For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.
Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”
Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”
“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”
His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”
“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”
“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”
“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”
You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”
“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”
You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit. 
You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.
You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.
“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”
There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”
“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”
Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”
“How is it different?”
“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”
“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.
“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.
But you never did.
“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.
“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.
You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”
“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”
“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.
“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.
He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.
He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.
But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.
“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.
But he never did.
“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.
He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?
“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.
And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.
-
You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.
You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.
Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.
Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease. 
When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.
The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.
Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.
But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.
Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”
“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers. 
It almost felt like deja vu.
Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.
“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”
A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”
“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.
“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”
“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”
You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”
“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.
Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”
He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”
With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.
“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.
“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”
“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”
“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.
“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.
“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”
You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”
“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.
“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.
“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”
“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”
“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.
You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”
A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.
“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”
While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”
Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.
The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.
“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.
His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”
“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”
“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”
He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”
You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.
“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.
You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.
Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.
The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.
As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.
You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.
While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.
“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”
“Really?” He sounded in disbelief. 
“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.
The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly. 
“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”
“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”
His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”
That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.
Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.
But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”
“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.
You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”
“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”
That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.
The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.
“Taehyung, you can’t—”
“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”
“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”
“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”
It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.
Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.
“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”
You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?
Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”
Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.
There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.
And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.
Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.
You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.
Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.
“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”
“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.
“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”
You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”
“I-I wasn’t thi—”
All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”
You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.
But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.
Tumblr media
Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe
147 notes · View notes
tired-reader-writer · 10 months
Note
For the character ask game: Hilmes numbers 12, 16, 23 and 24 if you feel like it, plus anything else you wanna talk about for him?
The character ask game is here, if anyone else wants to participate!
12. Sexuality hc!
Personally see him as a disaster bi that, once he falls for someone, falls hopelessly. If it weren't for his trauma and entire situation he might have a better chance of expressing it, lol.
16. A childhood headcanon
I headcanon that he was just beginning to pick up learning an instrument before the fire, he was... more creatively inclined back then than he is right now, his rage has drained him of anything to spare for art and creativity. And I also headcanon that he might've planned to pick up an instrument for his mother, though I am not sure of the timeline. She might've passed away sooner than I think.
23. Future headcanon
Pushing canon aside far, far away, I have two paths in front of me: speculative headcanon set in canonverse, or I could answer for Wolfpack.
Screw it, how bout I answer both? :D
For the canon-adjacent-but-still-divergent category, we have a Hilmes who surprise! Did not push Zandeh away and instead confides in him about the truth of his lineage, and of course Zandeh is unbothered by this. He is loyal to Hilmes and always will be. Irina doesn't mind either, he is Hilmes, he is the man she loves, and that's what matters. Through a series of events I have yet to parse out, probably includes raising an army via Irina's claim (news must've reached Maryam that Irina tried to assassinate Innocentis and damn well near succeeded, and she is the last of their royal blood), gaining allies, and things actually going kinda well bc he's not shackled by an alliance to the Lusitanians, getting rid of fucking Bodin, and taking over Maryam and ruling there. Sorry Guiscard, you should go back to Lusitania. I wanted to give Hilmes a chance for a do-over, this time not for his own ambitions but for Irina, her family, justice for her, a way of atoning for what he indirectly caused. And I'd like to think he's gone through some growth so as to become an actually decent ruler who will keep growing. Could I also see them living a quiet life away from all that nonsense? Yes! But I'm also fond of this idea for inexplicable reasons. I like the idea of him dedicating his devotion to his beloved (who knows, maybe it ends up in a poly relationship), setting things right, and actually giving the Maryami some damned peace bc I can't imagine living under Bodin's reign being easy.
As for Wolfpack, he ends up Shah of Pars, he doesn't have his coronation right away, opting to fix the immediate problem of Ecbatana's food and water shortage, though he has to have a coronation sooner or later bc he does kinda need it to solidify his authority. But it's a means to an end rather than the end itself, he recognizes that there's so much to do, that things just don't end with him getting the throne. So he works. And while under any other circumstance this would be out-of-character for Hilmes, in this AU he does eventually end up believing in the abolition of slavery for a couple of reasons: firstly it was always meant to happen, if only Kaykhusraw hadn't betrayed the clan it would've happened three hundred years ago, this was long overdue— secondly he is constantly influenced by Arslan who he claimed as a retainer. Arslan knows how to temper him, and Irina... oh Irina, she's a gentle soul, and during her stay in Gorgan let's just say she got influenced too— and she in turn would influence Hilmes.
After his coronation, after things settle a little (suppressing rebellions from pretenders and all that) he visits the haunted Temple once again, this time to hold a ceremony to appease the spirits, to apologize, to put them to rest. And who knows, maybe he catches a glimpse of a silver-haired boy with eyes the same colour as his, snow-white glows on his skin, laughing as he fades away.
24. What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone?
This is hard to answer bc he's already practically drowning in secrets in canon, LOL. I would just think of an answer and go, “wait that's an actual thing he kept secret in canon, fuck” so uh you're probably gonna get something outlandish and stupid for it, like that he actually knew jack shit about carving and whatnot, he just learnt it in a rush, practically speedran it just so he could show off to Irina, LMAOOOOOO
16 notes · View notes
roseianxiety · 1 year
Note
uhh... 21 with dukexiety? if you wanna? for the valentine's day prompts. hope you're doing well!
Prompt - 21 [love confessions]
Thank you so much for the ask!! Anyway, I wrote this in a hurry so it might not be that good but I hope you like it
Valentine's Day Promptlist
--------------------------
Heart Problems
Ship: Romantic Dukexiety
CW: Kissing, swearing
It was the day of hearts. Or if you're boring enough, it's Valentine's Day. And Remus was scouring the whole mindscape to find the whereabouts of a certain cute emo he has fallen head over heels for and he desperately NEEDS to confess to him now or his heart will burst or something. And now he stands in front of Virgil's room, staring at it for a bit, and without a thought, he busts in, startling Virgil who is still half asleep on his bed. “Remus, what the fuck!?? It's 5 am!".
Virgil says angrily rubbing at his eyes. His dark locks are messy and sticking everywhere and there's drool coming from one corner of his mouth. He looks adorable and Remus just wants to kiss him or bite him even. Maybe both. “Sorry I woke ya”.
“No shit. Why are you here this early anyway?" Virgil asks while sitting up, his hair falling into his face a little bit. And suddenly all of Remus' straight(ha)forwardness and confidence was gone. He remembers he was going to do the unspeakable or whatever the fuck you call it. Confess his undying love for Virgil.
“Well uh…” He pauses for some second, but he can't focus properly when Virgil stares at him like that– so intense, so open, so pretty... he clears his throat. “Oh shit, fuck, uh– will you stop looking at me like that? You're going to make my heart explode and I'll die from it, man.”.
Virgil blinks at him for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing. He was so confused about what the actual fuck Remus meant by that. "Like what exactly?". And oh shit, he sounds so innocent and soft and Remus can't take it. He needs to talk about it before he explodes into pieces. “You know, like… like that. Your eyes. You make them sparkle and your lips are soft and they look like they could fit perfectly with mine. And if you're going to stare at me like that I'll die and I can't confess to you and shit.".
Well, it's weird and that's an interesting way of putting it.
He didn't get an answer, Virgil still looked at him in sheer confusion, clearly not understanding what he just said. Remus took a deep breath before dropping the bomb. "I'm hopelessly in love with you. You always make me have heart problems just by hearing your voice or when you look at me and the voices in my head only scream for you and you only.". He waited. A beat. Two. Three. And then Virgil's cheeks bloomed red. “Oh. Oh.".
Virgil said, sounding completely shocked. "I…" He trailed off, looking down at his hands. He had no idea how to react. How does one react after hearing such declarations? After hearing someone confess their undying love for them out loud? For real?
He looked back up at Remus. His face was flushed and he seemed nervous. “I... like you too.". Virgil admitted quietly and Remus just stared at him as if he'd grown another head. “I did for quite a while but… I wasn't sure if you were feeling the same way or not so I didn't bother to confess to you". Remus was speechless for a moment. Virgil likes him? Virgil liked him back?! And he didn't even realize it? His heart was thumping inside his chest, it felt like it was going to break out of his rib cage and fly.
"Holy shit... Can I kiss you?"Remus asked out of a sudden as he plopped next to Virgil, gripping on both his shoulders to steady himself because holy shit, this is happening. This is really happening. Virgil blushed again but nodded. Remus leaned closer and pressed his lips on Virgil's, his hands fisting his shirt. Virgil responded immediately by wrapping his arms around his neck. Their lips moved against each other languidly at first and then Remus broke the kiss, breathing heavily and staring at Virgil's parted lips. "Can we do it again?", he asked breathlessly, making Virgil blush harder and nod eagerly.
Remus wasted no time and crashed his lips on Virgil's once again. They kissed lazily but intensely until they once had to pull away from each other again to breathe properly. Virgil's cheeks remained dusted pink. "I've been wanting to do that for ages". He chuckled slightly at that comment and rested his forehead on Remus', closing his eyes. "So much." He whispered.
"So do I! I can't believe I just made out with you... I think my heart might explode right now", Remus replied and laughed at his own joke. “I never thought I would get to actually kiss you". He added and Virgil pulled back a little bit to look at him properly. “Me neither" He smiled warmly at him.
"What are we now? " Remus asks him, a playful smile forming at the corners of his lips.
Virgil responds sheepishly, "Boyfriends?".
The word itself sounded foreign to him. Even thinking about it gave him butterflies in his stomach. “Boyfriends." Remus agrees and kisses Virgil again. Just because he can. It tastes sweet and familiar, like home. Remus thinks it's the best thing ever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing Taglist: @cutebisexualmess (please tell me if you want to be added or removed in the tag list)
27 notes · View notes
shytastemakerthing · 9 months
Note
hii!! U seem so cool- but anyway,, could i get a twisted wonderland match up? My grammar kinda sucks and my auto corrects off so😭
I would like for it to be more romantic, if thats ok! Also pls dont match me up with any of the 1st years since i would honestly just adopt them in twst😭
Sooo im an enfp 7w6, scorpio, green flag.. Yeahhh
But other than that,, (about to write a whole essay abt my personality) what abt my personality?
Soo im honestly kindaa uhm,, goldfish-like; i have a crap memory. and whenever in a serious situation, one where you need to stay on guard, i instantly calm down after someone cracks a joke and forget abt the whole situation.. So bcuz of that i get called "the goldfish of (gc name)" 🥲
But im really motherly and caring! I always take care of my loved ones like a nurse, so pretty much- im my friends personal nurse AND doctor (as someone who startes studying abt medical stuff when i was like 10,, young, ik) i also take care of stray animals whenever i get the chance. feeding them, taking care of their wounds, whatever! Im a good balance of childish and mature, though i fall more on the childish side! I honestly give out 'sad, wet cat' vibes at first, since i mostly spend time alone, sulking abt being alone, reading in the library alone.. but im the total opposite! Honestly kinda weird but in a good way? Super kind, and generous, and sympathetic, i always consider other peoples feelings first ofc! Honestly kind of a people pleaser🥲 softhearted person with anger issues huhu.. Also keyword 'with anger issues' because i can and will beat someone up who did one simple thing to make me mad, even if theyre like 6'2 IDGAF FIGHT ME IM 5'10 ITS NOT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE🙄🙄 veryvery energetic or the opposite, depends. havent slept for like 2 weeks straight😇
Now I'll just say the exact words my friends said when i asked them what they thought of me-
"funny, cute, and she lavs astronomy ahhajaja" "ure the friend whos effortlessly funny but gay /j but srsly youre the friend whos funny but super girlboss whenever there are fights and uses emojis every sentence they send" "the fish i ate for dinner" "cute nmn, and fun too, but annoying sometimes😒" "youre literally just like your father but as a girl,, stubborn, charming, ignorant, brave.. And you even have the same facial feaures." "Soft girl vibes" "VOODOO DOLL SELLER IKAW"
And for my hobbies.. I have a lot tbh LEMME JUST-
Astronomy; stargazing.. IT GIVES ME SO MUCH PEACE OMG
Exploring; going to abandoned and apparently 'haunted' places brings me so much joy somehow
Dancing; practicing ballet but my friends drag me to learn the choreo of a kpop song😭
Singing; opera😻
Sports; BADMINTON, BASKETBALL, SOCCER, VOLLEYBALSLSMSJKAHSKXVJSDJ LOBVE THIS
Gaming; tbh i rarely do it anymore😭
Collecting; plushies, seashells, etc..
Art; SCULPTING, DIGITAL, TRADITIONAL, MUSIC, ETC. I CAN DO IT ALL OMGG
Thats all i think😔 I dont wanna waste ur time so thank you huhuu BYEE HAVE A GREAT YEAR MWAMWA
-lav hoshii
Hello and thank you for your request! Honestly I had a lot of fun reading over this and I believe I have just the guy for you so here we go!
Tumblr media
I match you with.......
Floyd Leech
🦐 You two bounce off of each other so freaking much that it is insane. At this point, you're the most interesting person in his life and he isn't planning on letting you go ANY time soon and that's a fact.
🦐 Floyd is someone who butts heads with a lot of people, and I mean, a LOT of people. He's not one to shy away from a fight, even in those ones where he is clearly out numbered. It's more fun for him. But what he really loves is how you patch him up after each and every one. Sure, you badger him about all of these fights, but it's only because you care about him, and as you place a kiss to each wrap and bandaid, he can only hopelessly grin at you...... he is smitten.
🦐 Your memory isn't the best, and while Floyd seems like the aloof type, he is actually very smart, very perceptive, and has an excellent memory. He will remember anything you can't and it greatly comes in handy when needed.
🦐 Being with Floyd, also means you will be seeing a lot of Jade. Sorry, they're a two for one package deal (Azul's words). And while his twin was highly skeptical of you at first (when is he not skeptical of someone?), just seeing you with Floyd, and all the shenanigans you both get up too and how you always take care of him, you're basically family now at this point.
🦐 He is in the basketball club! Which is perfect for you! You love basketball and you two have player 1v1 quite a lot. Just be careful, because he can and WILL get competitive. Also, if you wear his jersey to his games, he has this derpy smile the entire time and will be showing off just for you. He turns into an absolute beast on the court. You're now the good luck charm of the NRC basketball team and Ace and Jamil always make sure you're there.
🦐 He finds out early on in the relationship about your habit of collecting sea shells. Now, because of him that collection has expanded a great amount. Look, you're dating a merman, he can and will be going under the water to gather the best and biggest shells thay he can find for your ccollection. But your personal favorite is a little cream colored chipped clam shell. He brought that one back after finding it randomly on a walk and it is now the most cherished one in the collection.
🦐 The way your mood fluctuates matches how his does, and while it annoyed him at first (like, is this how Jade and Azul feel when his does that?), he was able to quickly find out what can set you off or change your mood and is able to quickly adjust accordingly. Though he will admit that you look pretty hot when you get angry and tackle someone twice your size.
🦐 He would absolutely love to go exploring with you. It can be boring, it can be dangerous, so much could happen that you just don't know and that's what makes it exciting! If you ever get bored of looking at the supposedly haunted houses, he'll happily supply a breathing potion and he can show you some really cool shipwrecks!
🦐 Overall, a relationship with the reckless eel with legs is nothing short of an adventure. You know you'll never be bored, he loves how considerate you are with him and how you take care of him. And Azul and Jade are beyond thankful that you can actually get him to focus on his work, only if you're there, though 😅
17 notes · View notes
a-wholelotta-love · 10 months
Text
Totnt 1938 ! Episode 9 thoughts!
Back to doing episode thoughts coz they gave me less Rang content. Am I the only one who gets super annoyed when I don't see Rang for long 🙈. Like 15 mins into the episode today and I had not gotten a glimpse of him. I did not even care about what was going on till then. I am sorry, not sorry. Okay, so let's talk about the episode now. I don't really wanna talk a lot about this one without seeing the next episode because the episode seemed like a part of a whole. Also, after the last two episodes, I have kinda been really desolate and can't seem to see a possible happy ending. But i will talk about a few things which are going around in my head.
Moo yeong- I need to talk about this guy because somehow he annoyed me, I don't get him. They did not really develop his character well and while initially, I was expecting to be extremely sympathetic towards him. Now I am just irritated by how dumb he seems. His brother's reasoning sounds shady. I don't know why he never tried finding out why his brother behaved the way he did back then and why he ended up annihilating his entire forest. Like dude seems like such a sweet guy in the backstory, but somewhere along the way he lost all his brain cells. Maybe, being turned into a stone does that to you. If Rang loses his love because of this idiot's Yacha plan or whatever, he can go to hell and rot for all i care. He has hurt my boy Rang way too many times for my liking now and has now pissed me off.
Rangie- My baby fox 🦊, he is the reason I watch this show and I love how he is always willing to fight alongside his brother. I love how he still has faith that as long as yeon is by his side, nothing will happen to him. For all his tough exterior, boy has always placed his trust in Yeon too easily. I love how he was so flabbergasted when yeo hee started crying but still did find a really lovely way to cheer her up. I adored that he told her he will be his family and has even made plans to live better now that he has her. If they ruin this, if they take it all away from him again. I will never forgive the writers. I spent the last 20 mins of today's episode completely scared stuck to the edge of my seat coz I was so worried something will happen to one of them and the preview of the next episode has already scared me for what's to come. I am still hopelessly holding on to hope that my boy will have a better ending this season. Coz otherwise, I will just fall into despair.
I also wanna know who this boss is, of the shinigami mercenaries. Too much curiosity thet have tried creating around him. I just wanna know if he is someone we already know or someone new.
Why do I somehow not care at all about Eun-ho is beyond me. I care more about Jae yoo at this point of time than her storyline. He seems like such a lovely dedicated subordinate.
Tumblr media
I have seen my boy smile like this now. No one is allowed to take that away from him now. No one. Let him be happy for once.
9 notes · View notes
discord-ant · 2 years
Text
Personal Twisted Wonderland Fic Rec List
I’m back with more! I have nothing else to do while waiting for more story content. I’m still currently in my “refresh ao3 and check for new updates every day” phase. This is Part Two. Previously, there was a Part One.
1. So I Entered Into A Contract Relationship With My Senior And Now I Am Falling Hopelessly In Love?!? A fib told impulsively led Yuu to walk into Azul's VIP room, requesting for a contract. Nothing could go wrong by asking Azul to be her fake boyfriend for a few days, right?
2. Poor Unfortunate Soul Azul has not once, in all his years, had to deal with someone trying to make a contract in which they'll give up anything in exchange for a kiss.
3. Falling (And Rising Again) Azul falls down, and his friends pick him back up.
4. Of Starlight and Seaspray The times that the otherworldly prefect and the three mermen from the sea bonded underneath the stars.
5. whatsoever a man soweth It seems Azul isn’t the only person in Night Raven College who survives through carefully crafted deals and compromises.
6. got to pay the toll Having failed to secure a temporary spot at Savanaclaw, and understandably reluctant to share a cramped Heartslabyul dorm room with four rowdy young men, you approach Jade and Floyd in hopes of striking a new deal. If they allow you and Grim to stay at Ramshackle for the next three days, you'll pay whatever price they set. You don't have much to offer, but fortunately for you, they're willing to negotiate.
7. the crustacean urge You feel like it should be more concerning to you, how accustomed you’d become to being pushed around according to the whims of overbearing people, but the fact is that your reaction to being ambushed on your walk back to the dorm by Floyd Leech, then being all but picked up and carried into the Mostro Lounge for the fifth time in the past two weeks was a feeling that could be charitably described as resigned acceptance.
8. three's a party (and yuu does not wanna play host) "Tell me why I was working peacefully when I get a report that, and I quote, 'The Leech brothers are mauling a customer'?" Azul paced around in front of the three on the couch. "We weren't mauling the Little Shrimp," Floyd huffed, offended at the accusation. "We were just playing, 'n Shrimpy said a little bite was okay." "Quite," Jade nodded as if saddened. "I was having a nice conversation with Yuu-san before the, ah, biting, as Floyd said." Yuu just wanted to work in peace and quiet. Why did they end up in this situation?
9. his own brand of comfort "It's really cute," Yuu looked up at him, before looking back down at the plush. "It kinda reminds me of you. Do you want it, senpai?" Azul felt stupefied at the question, stuttering, "E-Excuse me? You'd like to give that...to me?"
10. a day i can't forget Yuu thought that this would be the time for them to relax too. Keyword thought in the past tense. Because as soon as they tried to sit down, they were being picked up by the arms. “Shrimpy! Don’t tell me you’re gonna be boring like Azul and just sit~” Floyd was grinning brightly, his hands wrapped around their right arm. “Let’s take a swim!” Shit. They had almost forgotten that the trouble trio was here. That meant that to their left was… “Floyd is correct, Yuu-san,” Jade, who gave them his most innocent eye smile— one that no one should ever trust— “Besides, when else will we have the opportunity to indulge in swimming in an oasis?”
11. por amor al arte It is a nearly universal reality for all teachers, but it's especially true for those teaching in private, all-boys magical boarding schools. Injury, disaster, misconduct, overblot... you name it. It's just another day on the job. The heart of the matter is: parent-teacher conferences are a fucking nightmare.
12. slow dancing company After the Night Raven performance, you enjoy the party.
Most of these fics are devoted to Octavinelle. No, it’s not because The Merchant from the Depths was what I played most recently. My choices are due to the fact that the Octatrio are three of my most favourite characters in the game. I particularly recommend entries 7-9 on this list because the author has a phenomenal grasp of the trio’s characterisation. I am so in love with their writing!
34 notes · View notes
kareenvorbarra · 11 months
Text
i can only think about you (Laela/Samira)
here it is...my Laela/Samira playlist
it's a lot of sappy gay pop songs about the frustration of seemingly unrequited love, or about not being able to tell how someone else feels about you, or just about being hopelessly obsessed with your crush. these are not in any particular order, so you can listen to them in the order they're listed or just hit shuffle. extremely self-indulgent notes about each song below the cut:
Wanna Be Missed - Hayley Kiyoko
I wanna be held, fragile like glass Cause I've never felt nothing like that
This is a classic pining song, so ofc it's about Samira. having unbearably intense feelings for someone and desperately wanting them to be reciprocated! the lyrics above also make me think of Samira's particular situation. She wants a kind of physical and emotional relationship that she's never had before - with someone who sees her as a person and cares what she wants.
2. Prophet - King Princess
I can only think about you And what it's like to walk around you And why they like to talk about you Cause I can only think about you
Samira's POV again. I picked this song mostly on the strength of the chorus and the general vibes, but I do think the lines about other people wanting to use subject of the song for their own gain vs. the narrator just wanting her (Like it's gold, you're a prophet/Someone's gonna profit/Don't you know, I just want it) fit Laela and Samira's situation pretty well.
3. Love They Say - Tegan and Sara
Love, they say it heals all wounds, Love removes the hurt in you, Love, I know that this is true.
This is the only song (so far) that has made it onto both the L/S playlist and the K/M playlist. I first listened to it at a time when I was thinking about all these characters a lot. the hope and conviction of the lyrics juxtaposted with the characters' actual situations really got me. For Samira at this point in her life, I think it's more that she wants to believe this than that she actually does.
4. Delilah - Florence + the Machine
Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine But maybe not tonight It's a different kind of danger And the bells are ringing out And I'm calling for my mother As I pull the pillars down
This one is a Laela POV song, so it doesn't deal head-on with her feelings about Samira, and is preoccupied with lots of other things as well. It mostly makes me think of her many, many worries during Thick as Thieves; the choices she makes that disrupt her own life and the lives of the people she cares about, her hope that things will get better, her fear that it will all fall apart.
5. Chance - Hayley Kiyoko
Does she feel the energy the way that I do In the air whenever we get in the same room? Cause I don't know how to read her mind And I don't wanna cross a line
More Samira, of course. This song reminds me of how she's feeling as of chapter 10 - afraid that her time in the household is coming to an end, and that it's too late for her to admit anything to Laela. If I ever take a stab at arranging these songs in chronological order based on the events of the fic, it'll probably end up much later in the playlist.
6. 1950 - King Princess
I hate it when dudes try to chase me But I love it when you try to save me Cause I'm just a lady
Putting all these songs in order makes this whole thing feel very predictable! Anyway this makes me think of Samira again, but it's more her imagining the relationship she and Laela might have than the one they actually have at the moment. Also, having to deal with unwanted male attention while constantly thinking about a specific woman who you can't pursue openly is a very Samira mood.
7. Ela - Andromache
You could be my only one
This song is in English and Greek, and the English verses are okay but the lyrics I like best are in the chorus, which is mostly in Greek (translation here). The mood is, again, Samira fantasizing about what it might be like if she could actually be in a relationship with the person she loves.
8. Solid - MUNA
She is not a screen on which you project She is not a scene on your movie set She is not a mirror in which you reflect Yeah, she is of material substance
If I'm being honest, a lot of the songs on here are just songs I got really into during the long process of planning and writing What We Are Allowed, and this is one of them. Not that it doesn't apply to them! But the lyrics are a little less spot-on than some of the other songs. I think Samira and Laela both admire each other a lot for their competence in their respective roles, and for their strength of character in general. The first verse in particular feels like a dig against those people (like Nahuseresh) who view Laela and Samira as purely decorative or useful rather than actual people.
9. Mudbira - A-WA
This song is in Arabic (translation into English here). It seems to me like it's about a young woman who feels trapped, like her luck has run out and she isn't sure where her life is going, which feels appropriate for Samira. In the chorus, other women talk to the protagonist of the song, acknowledging her problems and inviting her to join them, which also feels right.
10. Ease My Mind - Hayley Kiyoko
Haunt me to my grave Don't you ever fade away Seeing every delusion I dont want to face You keep me up You keep me up at night
Samira is pining, folks. I just really like this song, especially the line Girl, ease my mind. When I first heard this song, I was still in a long-term LDR and the idea that my mind could be eased by the presence of a specific person (a specific girl) really resonated with me. I think it works for Samira's situation, too.
11. Silk Chiffon - MUNA ft. Phoebe Bridgers
Watch her silk dress dancing in the wind Watch it brush against her skin Makes me wanna try her on
Most of the references in this song are pretty modern, and it definitely feels more like Samira's fantasy than anything these characters have actually experienced, but it also makes me think of post-canon Samira and Laela, once they're actually free to live their own lives. The fabric imagery also feels like it fits them.
12. Without You - Oh Wonder
And I'm digging down holes without you Can't be on my own without you I'm a little bit lost without you
Samira again. On its face I think this song is pretty straightforwardly about missing someone, but in this context it's more about her being afraid of losing Laela, who she has known and relied on for her entire adult life.
13. La novia entre flores - Renaissance Players
Lyrics and translation here (it's not an exact match to the version on the playlist, but all of the lines are there, even if they're not in the same order). This one is basically just vibes - it's about a bride, there are two women singing together at the beginning, and the whole thing is sort of wistful.
14. Mary - Agnes Obel
In the dark I hear you sing Fingers move and chords they ring Be the witness of my shame
Agnes Obel's lyrics are never very straightforward, but the whole song feels right for them, I guess. The lyrics above in particular remind me of Laela and Samira's scenes in chapter 10.
15. Steady - The Staves
Steady, steady, steady Your steady touch I love so much I'm sleepless Oh God, oh God, oh God God, I'm only human and I'm helpless
Another Samira song, about wanting someone so badly that you're afraid of the intensity of your own feelings.
16. Las casas de la boda - Aman Aman
A song about brides and weddings and houses (lyrics and translation here). You've read chapter 10, so you know why I have emotions about it re: these characters. Of course, there are a lot of Sephardic songs about brides and weddings, and this one in particular I picked because it talks about multiple brides and other women dancing.
17. Which Witch - Florence + the Machine
And it's my whole heart Weighed and measured inside And it's an old scar Trying to bleach it out
Another Laela song! Like the last one, this is about lots of things other than Samira, because Laela has too many things on her mind and is too afraid to let herself feel much of anything besides fear. Some of the lines speak to her fear of what will happen if she's caught (who's a heretic now?), others to her fear for Kamet (I'm miles away/he's on my mind), and others to her desperate hope that the plan will succeed in the end (I'm not beaten by this yet/you can't tell me to regret).
18. Lamma Bada Yatathana - Lena Chamamyan
Lyrics and translation here. This song is in Arabic; the lyrics, at least, are from medieval Al-Andalus, but I haven't been able to find out for sure if the tune is contemporary or not. I'm also not sure whether the narrator of the song is describing a man or a woman - different translations use different pronouns, and I don't know enough about Arabic to have any idea why. But if the narrator is talking about a woman, then it's a female singer praising the grace and beauty of another woman, which is perfect for Laela and Samira. I'm definitely imagining Samira singing this for an audience and only thinking about Laela.
19. I Go Crazy - Orla Gartland
Oh won't somebody hold me and tell me it'll all work out Say that there's nothing to worry about now Cause I'm so sick of the drama and I hate to shout But you drag it out of me
This entire song is VERY "Samira as of chapter 10": freaking out because you have no idea if the person you're in love with returns your feelings. The lines quoted above make me think of the scene where Laela tries to comfort Samira but botches things by saying that nothing bad will happen, which seems inane and insulting to Samira because she knows better. Part of Samira does want someone to tell her that everything's going to be fine, but she's too pragmatic to actually believe it, and she hates the thought of Laela treating her like a child who might be mollified by a comforting lie.
20. Anything 4 U - Banks
I say you shouldn't do something I wouldn't do The problem is I'd do just anything for you Don't tell me I can't choose, cause every time it's you The problem is I'd do just anything for you
Samira again...a combo of trying to figure out how Laela feels about her, wondering what's really bothering Laela, and wishing she could do something to help. Laela, of course, is not telling; I think she knows deep down that Samira would do anything for her, and that's one of the reasons she's keeping her at arm's length.
21. Doghtar-e-boyerahmadi - Minoo Javan
A traditional Persian song where the narrator is talking about their feelings for a woman, sung by a woman (folk music in general is great for these). The first version of this song I listened to is actually a video of a live performance, which has an English translation in the subtitles (available here). I would have put that version on the mix, but as far as I can tell the YouTube video is the only recording, so I found a different version for my playlist.
22. Going Home - The Aces
Well, you could name a place and time There's nowhere that I wouldn't go As long as it's just you and I It feels like I'm going home
Another song that could be Samira fantasizing about the life she wants to have with Laela, as well as some foreshadowing about where they might end up :) The lyrics about seeing another person at their worst and helping them through it also fit really well, because even though Laela and Samira haven't been able to talk openly about their feelings or be completely honest with each other, they both have to spend so much time pretending that it feels good to let their guard down at all, even if they aren't communicating perfectly.
23. Play Along - flor
We used to run as if it mattered We used to get lost, play along, play along I wanna run to break the pattern Are you missing getting lost? Play along, play along
This song is also basically a fantasy about being free, through the lens of nostalgia. Even though Samira was from a poor family and Laela was born into slavery, they both look back on their their early childhoods with fondness, when things were (comparatively) simple and the adults in their lives were able to shelter them somewhat from the worst aspects of the world. Maybe a little bit of a stretch thematically, but I like the song!
24. forever - Hayley Kiyoko
I am always willing if you're ready for it Cold like the ocean breeze, healed all your broken pieces Saw you and I knew what I was headed for Loved you since seventeen and our love is all we need
Mostly this is just a cute f/f pop song, which would be enough honestly! The lines that made me put it on this playlist were Take me back to skipping classes/Second chances, I just wanna be close to you and Loved you since seventeen, because they remind me of the fact that Samira's crush on Laela did originate when Samira was a teenager and Laela was one of the cool older girls, but then Laela became Samira's sort-of-boss which made things significantly more complicated.
25. Mantissa - Marina Satti
A Greek pop song that an acquaintance sent me like eight months ago, and I'm still completely obsessed with it. Basically, the lyrics (translation here) are about someone vowing to do impossible things to be with the person they love, which is pretty much exactly how Samira is feeling (even if she finds herself unable to actually act on those feelings).
6 notes · View notes
Text
I’m getting sad again. I don’t know if its the SAD or purely circumstantial, but I’m sad. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past several days thinking about a lot of things I’ve tried very hard to put to rest and I simply can’t. I’ve been cursed with this thing about me that makes everyone fall in love with me and as self centered or pompous or whatever you wanna call it that it sounds, it’s true. Ever since I graduated high school it’s been this constant thing that’s followed me around and I can’t shake it and it’s happening again. I swore I’d take it to my grave so I won’t go into details and give it away, even here, but it’s a thing and I don’t know what Im supposed to do with it.  I’m not mad at the person for it happening, not even close. I just wish I could be different. Not as....not whatever it is. Likeable, kind, patient, empathetic, understanding...something, anything, whatever it may be.  How do I explain that its this very personality that’s gotten me where I am? That someone fell so hopelessly in love with me that it near destroyed both of our lives for years on end and just when I thought I had learned my lesson, my best friend went and fell in love with me too. Since then he’s quite literally told me on more than one occasion that he wishes he never had met me and his life was better off without me in it. We barely talk about anything these days and whenever I find the courage to try and share anything with him I think he would like, I either get a simple “okay?’ back or ignored entirely.  I knew from day one that no matter what I did or how hard I tried nothing would ever work out between us. It wasn’t through any fault of our own, we’re just two very different people and life has made us volatile in ways that would never be compatible. We’ve hurt each other in near unforgivable ways with our wayward feelings and there’s a lack of patience and a disrespect that cannot go ignored. We are each others worst nightmares relationally and yet the best of friends at the same time. And still I love him I love him I love him. It’s a constant never ending thought and everything, every. single. fucking. thing. goes back to him. How we were in the city together every single time I was up there whether we even knew it or not. How our paths almost crossed before we even knew the other existed. How the very first conversation we had about a new show coming to broadway was the same one we watched the final performance of, together, four years later.  He, my endlessly frustrating, infuriating best friend who hates the very ground I walk on and still would come back to me, no questions asked, if I ever allowed him the chance. A
nd then there’s the rest of everything.  My best friend dipped out of my life without a word spoken and even after a year and I half I still don’t have an explanation from her. We’ve spoken cordially since, but when I threw out the olive branch asking for lunch or dinner, hoping for a chance to talk, she said no. The anger comes and goes like the seasons. I don’t always feel good enough to be her friend and I often wonder if it’s my own insecurities getting in the way, or if its my new found self respect telling me that I deserve better.  Whatever the case may be, I miss her more than anything. I wonder who her daughter is growing to be. I want to ask her what happened with her ex. I want to know if she’s okay. I wanted her to meet my son and to be happy I’m happy. To breathe that sigh of relief with me when I realized I was happy and okay and I had survived the single worst year of my life. She was supposed to be there forever. The champion of all my insane ideas and my adventure buddy. That girl would’ve gone anywhere with me until she didn’t.
Then there’s the world itself. Our crumbling economy and inflation that’s gotten so out of hand we’re barely keeping afloat. I can’t even afford to put lights on the christmas tree that was gifted to us this year. It’s my sons first christmas and I cant buy him the things I want to.  The tags on my car are years out of date and I have an outstanding ticket from it that if I Got pulled over again I’d be arrested.  My license is expired and I can’t renew it without paying for the car which means I can’t fly to chicago for my best friends wedding next fall.  I don’t have enough money to pay my bills each month as it is. How can I save hundreds of dollars for the car and a license. And why the fuck was I so stupid two years ago and let it go ignored? I was only out of work for three weeks. I could very well have handled it then and I didn’t.  I’m 27 years old and I’ve amounted to nothing I wanted to. I work part time in a coffee shop and I don’t know anything different. If I work full time, all my extra money would go to childcare and negate the entire point of working more. I Literally can’t win for losing. I dropped out of college twice because of finances and an inability to cope with life. I want to go back so bad it hurts. I want to be the first, and likely only one of us siblings to obtain a degree. I want to do it for myself.  For my son. I need to. I need to accomplish this thing to know it can be done. I need to check it off my bucket list if only for spite because there was a time I didn’t think i’d even live to get my diploma....why stop there? The ultimate fuck you is a life lived and lived well. I’m just tired and tired of everything and I hate that I can’t stop thinking even for a second.
Make it fcking stop.
2 notes · View notes
rainydawgradioblog · 15 days
Text
lyrics to life, a deep dive into the artist and the fan
helloooo!! my name is mya and this is my first RDR blog post!! (i’m super excited if you can’t already tell)
the coolest person i know has been writing for RDR for a while now and when she showed me her article all about the album songs by adrianne lenker, i knew that i wanted to be a part of this community too. sooo this first blog is gonna be about the songs that make up me, so you all can get to know her (spoiler, adrianne lenker makes a heartbreaking appearance on it)!!
1. "true blue" by boygenius
wow. no better way to begin than a song all about female friendship and connection. i grew up with a single mom, my older sister, and two older brothers. my mother and sister serve as power figures in my life and i can’t help but think of them during the line, 
your love is tough / your love is tried and true blue. 
the past few months living without them has given our love for each other a stronger foundation, and has become even more apparent in the 6 missed calls i get per day. it is an equally irritating yet comforting thought. but this song also pays homage to the lovely friends i’ve made in all seasons of my life. my emilee, my hope, my ify, my carly, and so many more incredible woman that built who i am today become alive in the line, 
i remember who i am / when i’m with you. 
2. "not a lot, just forever" by adrianne lenker
looking for a painfully heartbreaking song? hey right here!! bonus, this one physcially hurts to listen to!! my roommate once told me that my biggest strength but also weakness is how hard i love. this was after i went on an in depth rant on how the rest of my life would look if my situationship and i admitted our feelings for each other (spoiler, the feelings in question are definitely not reciprocated), 
through your eyes i see / a smile you bring to me / to your joy i tether / not a lot, just forever.
despite constant heartbreak, i continue to fall hopelessly in love because one day i’ll get to experience a life resembling this line, 
i could be a good mother / and i wanna be your wife. 
i just really love LOVE. the idea of falling in love with someone and just being like, “i dont need that much of you, just all of it!!” like yes adrianne, we want every inch of the person we love so we can love them entirely. 
3. "gramercy park" by alicia keys
this song is for the people who mold themselves to the ray of someone’s energy so they can feel more loved. unhealthy, i know!! who in their right mind would do that (...), 
i’ve been trying to fulfill you with your every need / now you falling for a person that’s not even me. 
her performance on tiny desk concert was incredibly moving. alicia keys has been telling it like it is since her first hit fallin’ (also my go-to karaoke song) which she performs for tiny desk beautifully. in this song especially, she describes the inner pleas of needing someone to stay so bad that you lose who you are trying to fit yourself into their narrative, 
cause i forgot about the person i used to be.
i found her eventually, but at what cost!!
4. "lifetime" by faye webster
i live through a dreamscape fog called optimism, faye webster does too though so my feelings are valid. the word lifetime is mostly just repeated (honorable mention to the lyric, “can’t imagine me / before you / in a lifetime”), so the main focal point of this song is it’s mellow and rhythmic tone that showcase a seductively lucid-esque tone. lifetime also takes the crown for being so versatile, with making the cut for both my playlists for sex and for crying before bed! 
5. "keep the rain" by searows
what if i just love this song!! what if there is no significance to it!! 
nothings ever really quiet / when you need distraction to survive.
for my mental stability, lets end it here!!
it’s been fun,
mya
1 note · View note
simplymekaty · 1 year
Text
Good, bad & everything inbetween
I've really been struggling with my mental health the past 3+ months. More than I ever have. I have been afflicted with frequent episodes of 'weirdness'...this feeling is so hard to explain...like I become hyper aware that I cannot see myself - that all I ever see is my reflection. I also have odd moments of being unable to complete the most innocuous of tasks e.g. buttering some toast, without feeling like I am on the outside of my body and my hands can't handle the simple little manoeuvres required. It's not like it's an out of body hokey depersonalisation feeling where I am on the outside looking in at myself. Well it is in so much as I FEEL like I am on the outside of my body but sort of not at the same time because I am still unable to see myself. I told you...it's weird as fuck.
I feel like I am going mad in moments like this. Like I'm high on some psychedelic medication but it's certainly not a feeling I've ever experienced when taking any prescribed or unprescribed drugs.
The headaches that come afterwards are a killer too. Part of me assumes it's all the chemo hangover and I know that I am only 8 months post treatment and my body is still dealing with the chemo aftermath and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself or worry. I mean, I'm not worried at all actually. It's just so unpleasant dealing with this and feeling out of control.
I haven't helped myself by limiting my social interactions the last few months because of it. Which is massively unlike me. We are weaning me off one antidepressant & replacing it with another in the hopes they give me the much needed serotonin & noradrenaline boost that I so desperately need.
I've never been one of those people who is ashamed to admit when I am battling with my own thoughts but I do find being geographically separated from my closest friends quite difficult at times and can become a little reclusive when I don't have the energy to travel to see people. I am a lover of video chats now after always shunning them pre-COVID so that helps me stay connected but I am definitely a shadow of my former social butterfly-like self.
I wonder in part if my mental health struggles are to do with turning 50 this year & being very aware of my own mortality. I mean, sheesh...I'm too young to be this old right. And I think as well I'm very conscious that my Mom passed away at 63 and I am only 14 years away from that, which I know rationally is ridiculous. But it's there.
And it isn't that I am afraid of dying either. I think that's why I handled my whole Cancer journey as well as I did. I'm not afraid to die. It's the one sure thing in life. Death. The end. It has more to do with the fact that if I only have 15 years left on this planet, that's not a lot of time to do the things I wanna do and spend time with the people I care about. I mean hell, even if I love another 20 - 30 years that's still not enough time is it. Especially as with some friends, like those in the U.S.A, I may only see them once every 3 or 4 years or so...which might mean I only get to see them 2 or 3 times before I or any one of us does actually die. It might seem maudlin but it's just an inescapable fact.
I guess also, even though I never thought I'd settle down with someone, I should have by now, in theory, been married. And even though that wasn't something I'd ever dreamed about, part of me is sad that I won't ever get to experience that. And knowing I won't ever fall fearlessly & hopelessly in love again, that really sucks. I miss being in love. A whole lot. Though it's only fleetingly wistful these days. I refuse to get bogged down in 'whatcouldhavebeens' that stuff just eats your brain & I'm done with that.
I started to write a list of stuff that I love to do with the promise to do more of it, on my own if I have to because that girl who turned her life upside down more than once for other people, she can sure as hell do it again as a nearly 50 year old woman, but this time for herself.
So, that being said...I will always be honest about my feelings and not hold back just because I feel I might be too much for someone or be afraid of reactions.
I will do more of the things I love like camping (who knew), reading or listening to music by camp or log fire home or away, engaging in late night til sunrise talks with people who feed my soul, go to the gig - on my own if I have to, go on long roadtrip vacations & stay in log cabins on my favourite lakes & wake up to go wild skinny dipping. I will say Yes to any & all invitations to do any activity I've never done before or that I've always been too scared to do.
I will face my demons head on and refuse to let my soul be haunted by old ghosts.
What will be will be, but I will face everything from now on with that enduring spirit that has got me to where I am now. I am strong, I am resilient and I may have been down the last 3 years but I am not out.
I want to leave this earth with a head full of fantastic memories of the things I had the courage to do, not a heart filled with regret.
1 note · View note
littlemousejelly · 4 years
Text
.
#texted my coworker and remembered how she liked my thotty supergirl post on insta from her#personal account and her cat's insta account and i just#bro i'm so fucking tired#i'm so tired#who thought it was a good idea to make me a scorpio#i'm too weak for this shit#i can't handle the fuckshit that is emotions!!#i can't handle the fuckshit that is being so hopelessly and debilitatingly into someone that doesn't want me back!!!#mei lying face down in the rain.gif#my heart hurts man i can't keep doing this ahahaha#scorpio season and mercury retrograde and year of the pig really coming together to bully me huh#how do people just not. like. fall apart. america explain.#i would like to request the return of at least fucking 70% of my emotions#i'm so tired of feeling my chest hurt when i think about how absolutely everything was just in my head#so tired of CRYING OVER HER HELLO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF YOU STUPID WATER SIGN#i just wanna stop feel lol is that allowed#me: crushes are fun! i love looking forward to interacting with someone i'm into and wanna hold and care for#also me: if she doesn't love me back i will be absolutely gutted and i won't be okay for years#also me: cool so we're agreed on the crush thing yeah? let's go find someone to pine over#really channeling the vibe of 'all you wanna do' from six the musical right now#'guess this time's not different'#bitch why say 'holy shit i'm down!!!'#why tell our mutual friend that you think i'm really cute!!!#fuck you!!!!!#don't- like- no. i can't do it. don't fucking do that.#fuck you scorpio season + mercury retrograde#i was fine. i was done with this. i was over her. i was okay again. fuck.#i need to go make my body scream at the gym tomorrow. clearly.#oh whoops this sounds like it's about my coworker but it's not lol#i'm so sorry it's breakdown hours theydies and gentlethems
2 notes · View notes
sinner-as-saint · 3 years
Text
I Am Your Fall.
Mob!Bucky x Ex-Spy!Reader
Run-through: You’re hiding from your past, in Madripoor. You did nothing wrong, other than mix dangerous business with a lot of pleasure. You couldn’t go home because... he would find you and Madripoor was the only place he didn’t do business, or had any allies or friends. But little did you know that the mob boss had finally found you after obsessively looking for you ever since you left, and left him in pieces. He didn’t want revenge, he just wanted the one thing he had hopelessly fallen in love with; who also happened to be the one who had betrayed him and hurt him more than anyone or any bullet ever did before - you. 
Themes: mob!bucky, smut, angst, fluff, Ex-Spy!Reader, slight daddy kink, guns
Tumblr media
“The usual?” 
You nodded at the man in front of you with a faint smile as you took a seat at the bar. You kept the hood of your jacket up as you let out a quiet sigh. Moments later the bartender placed a glass half filled with whiskey and ice in front of you.
You whispered a ‘thank you’ and swirled the drink around in the glass before lifting it up to your lips and taking just the tiniest sip. You often came into this bar after work, just to feel normal again. You worked at a diner right around the corner; it was lowkey and shabby and didn’t attract many customers, neither did it pay well but you weren’t there for the money. 
Your last job, the one you had before ending up in Lowtown Madripoor, paid really well. So much so that you wouldn’t have to worry about money for a long, long time but you still had to blend in and pretend to be as normal as you could; hence the job at the diner. 
You thought of home as you took your second sip. You grew up in a nice family before joining the organization you worked for, as a spy. You let out a quiet little chuckle as you thought of how ever since you were a kid you wanted to grow up and catch bad guys. Which is exactly what you did as a spy. And you were great at your job, your organization couldn’t be prouder of your work. 
You took another sip. Everything was going great for you, until the day you were assigned to infiltrate the life of and take down the infamous mob boss, James Buchanan Barnes. The day you heard that you were being sent to him, you were excited because James was notorious for a lot of bad things. You couldn’t wait to step inside his evil lair and take him down. What you didn’t know was that you would end up finding love right where it wasn’t supposed to be. 
You felt a strange knot in your gut as you thought of him. Bucky… 
Oh you had loved him despite his mean, dark demeanor. He was a cold-hearted man to the rest of the world, but only you got to see the warmer side of him. And you fell in love, harder, faster and deeper than you ever thought you could. It got to a point where you had to choose between either betraying your organization or betraying the man who shouldn’t have fallen in love with. That’s when you ran away, far from home. Far from your work which you loved so much, and far from him. 
You couldn’t bring yourself to betray him, nor did you have the courage to tell your people that you failed in an important mission all because you fell in love with the enemy. You knew what happened to people who betrayed Bucky, you had seen it. And you also knew what happened to spies and agents who betrayed the organization you worked for. Both of those situations weren’t ones you wished to find yourself in, so in order to save yourself, you ran. 
And now here you were. 
As you took another sip of your drink, you felt the hair at the back of your neck stand up out of nowhere as a shiver ran down your spine. You were being watched. During your training you were taught to absolutely trust your gut, and if you ever got the feeling that you were being watched it meant that there was a high chance that you actually were. 
Shit. 
You set your glass down and placed the money down beside it before slowly sliding off the stool and casually walking out of the bar. You made sure your hood was still up, and you tucked your hands in your pockets. Your fingertips gently felt the hand gun you always kept with you, just in case, secured at your waist under your jacket. 
You looked around, and so far no one was following you. The streets were busy given that it was a Friday night and you were sure that you could make it home safe because no one would attack you or anything in a crowd like this. 
You lived in a modest, 2-bedroom apartment. And you always took the fire escape at the back to get into your apartment because you didn’t trust the rusty elevator at the front, nor did you ever want to run into a neighbor or anyone by taking the stairs inside the building. The fire escape was discreet and lowkey. 
You entered your living room shortly and sensed that something was off. The air was colder somehow, and you never left any windows open. Ever. You shut the door behind you, not locking it. You gently took out your gun and held it out in front of you, at the ready. You moved stealthily, quietly. You knew which spots on the wooden flooring made the most noise so you avoided those. 
Someone was in here, you could tell. The air… it smelt different the further you walked into your apartment. You didn’t switch on any lights, you checked the kitchen first. Clear. The living room. Clear. The spare room. Clear. And your heart raced as you went into your bedroom. The door which normally always remained closed, was wide open. 
You couldn’t even run. Whatever it was, whoever it was you were gonna have to face it. You stepped into your room and with whatever little light was coming through the windows, you tried to scan the room. 
“Lower your gun, babygirl. You don’t need it. I’m not gonna hurt you, and I know you don’t wanna hurt me.” 
The sound of his voice had you frozen in the spot where you stood, a few feet away from your bed. The voice came from behind you. You slowly turned around, not lowering your gun and keeping it aimed right at him. It took you a few seconds to process everything. 
You could make out his silhouette as he stood in front of one of your bedroom windows. Tall, built, his metal arm glistening. He was here. You let out a shaky breath. He was here, he found you. 
You didn’t move from the spot that you were standing on. There was a time when whenever you saw him you’d run into his arms, and despite wanting to do just that even now, you knew you couldn’t. That was back then, this was different, wasn’t it? 
He sighed before moving, walking to the other side of the room to light a table lamp. The soft, golden light illuminated the room just enough. Your heart burned as you took in his appearance; dark suit as always, shorter hair, his metal arm just as intimidating and mean as always and his pretty blue eyes - the same ones you loved, belonging to a man who eventually became the reason why you had to leave your old life behind. 
Bucky was still; calm and composed as always. He was the kind of man who had mastered the art of looking completely steady even when he wasn’t. He could have a storm inside of him, or raging flames of anger but on the outside it would never show. He was as devious and subtle as a predator, moving with the grace and elegance of a ferocious but calculated animal. 
“You seriously thought that moving across the globe and changing your hair color would keep me away from you?” He sounded like he was mocking you. “Took me about almost a year, but I found you.” He walked towards you, making you envy the way he could move so effortlessly. You couldn’t read him. His face was… blank. Void of any emotion. 
He spoke again once he stood right in front of you. “Now, you’re gonna tell me why you ran away.” 
You remained quiet. He could tell you were thinking. He could always tell, he knew you too well. You made a makeshift plan in your head. If you were to shoot him in his arm, just to injure him enough to make him lose his focus, you could grab the emergency bag you always kept under your bed and run. But you didn’t want to hurt him. 
Also, how far would you go? Knowing Bucky, if he had made it to Madripoor he probably had his men surrounding this apartment building right now; all armed and ready to fight. He probably even had people from here all the way to Hightown; which meant that even if you ran from here right now you wouldn’t be able to make it out of Madripoor. 
Like you said earlier, he had found you. There was no way to run anymore. 
“I know you’re thinking about running again.” He teased, shoving his hands in his pockets, letting you know that he had his guard down; which meant that he had thought this through. “Maybe you have an emergency bag somewhere, or you plan on shooting at me to distract me and make a run for it.” He chuckled. “Trust me, you wouldn’t make it out of this apartment, babygirl. And even if by some miracle you did, I will burn this island to the ground to find you again.” 
Despite his tone being all calm, and almost monotonous you could hear the bitterness and the evil promise in his words. He was probably angry, he felt betrayed for sure, he was also frustrated given that he mentioned having searched for you for a year, he was also probably hungry for answers. 
You still remembered that night you left. Your people at work had been pestering you to hand over information and sending you all sorts of threats if you didn’t, but you also could no longer lie and manipulate Bucky, because you loved him. So you left in the middle of the night, leaving your old life, your job, the man you loved, your family, everything behind. 
No notes, no messages, nothing. You and him had been together for a little over a year at that point. And you just snuck out of a one year relationship with no explanation. It was wrong you’d admit, and Bucky had every right to be hurt and angry. 
“Answer me. Why did you run? Why did you leave out of nowhere? And didn’t you go back to your people like the good little spy you are? Why Madripoor?” 
So he knew about your past. You could only imagine what he did to the organization you used to work for when he found them. 
“How did you find me?” You knew how much he hated it when people answered a question with another question. You were surprised when he answered instead of being even more pissed off. 
“It took a lot of people, a lot of bullets and a lot of patience to track you down.” He chuckled. “I must say, you’re good at whatever games you play. But I’m gonna need you to stop for a moment, and give me the answers I need.” He took a small step forward, reducing the distance between you and him. “Why?” 
Such a broad question, why. 
“I had to.” You gave him the most vague answer ever. 
He scoffed. “Okay, let me make this easier for you. Let’s start with, what’s your real name?” 
You almost rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t afford to let your guard down at the moment. Not when you couldn’t even figure out what he was here for. 
“You know my name.” 
Of course he did, he had moaned it so many times in bed. 
He gave you his signature smirk, the one who captured the hearts of many including yours. “I’m assuming that since you’re a spy everything which comes out of your pretty mouth is a lie. So what is your name?” 
You corrected him. “I used to be a spy. I don’t do that anymore. And I didn’t lie about my name. I didn’t lie about many things.” You looked him dead in the eyes when you said so. You wondered if he thought that you lied when you said you loved him. That was real. 
He scoffed. “I’d beg to differ.” 
“You plan on killing me?” You asked, thinking that now would be a good time to know whether or not you would be dying tonight. 
“No.” 
“Then why are you here, Bucky? Why did you look for me for a year, why are you halfway across the globe right now if you don’t plan on killing me for betraying you? What do you want?” 
“You.” 
You rolled your eyes, finally lowering your weapon. You still couldn’t read him. 
He spoke up again, “Why didn’t you lead your people to me? Why didn’t you finish your job?” 
“You might have actually done just that yourself. If you were able to find me, so could they. They probably have eyes on right now. By coming here you just-,”
He cut you off. “They don’t have eyes on you. No one does.” He answered confidently. 
“You don’t know that. You-,” 
He cut you off yet again, he smirked, “Oh I do know, babygirl. I know because I… dealt with each and every last one of them. The people you used to work for, the whole organization, it doesn’t exist anymore I made sure of that. You see, I’ve been quite busy this past year. Between dealing with your people, dealing with my own and playing hide and seek with you.” 
You froze again. Dealt with? “And how exactly did you deal with the organization?” 
“I watched it burn.” He answered, proudly. 
Oh. “You plan on doing the same with me? After your little Q and A, you’re gonna just… deal with me?” 
He fake gasped and placed his metal hand over his chest as though surprised. “I would never do that to you. You see, unlike you I didn’t lie when I said I loved you.” 
That caught you by surprise. You said nothing, pretending like that confession didn’t make your heart race. 
“I’m gonna ask one more time, why did you run?” His tone was cold. 
You scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d be understanding regarding the whole situation. If you ever found out who I was, let’s be real, you’d kill me right where I stood. And I could no longer go back to my people because they would force me to lead them to you.” 
He raised his eyebrows, then chuckled. “You protected me? What for?” 
I didn’t lie when I said I loved you either. “I didn’t want to manipulate or lie. I didn’t want to infiltrate lives and be dishonest. I didn’t want to have to live a double life any longer. I needed freedom, I needed a way out. So I came here.” You paused. “I’m not proud of what I did to you.” You added. 
You lowered your eyes once you finished talking. Bucky moved closer to you, he reached out and grabbed your chin with his metal hand, tilting your head back gently until you looked into his stormy, ocean blue eyes. You hated how you still couldn’t read him. Was he angry or no? 
“Are you lying right now?” He whispered, and smirked knowing it would piss you off. You pushed his hand away. He chuckled, leaning into your ear, his lips brushing against your skin as he spoke and it sent shivers down your spine, “Let’s play a game.” He pulled away and took a few steps back. “You love games, don’t you babygirl?” 
Your heart raced. Oh this can’t be good… 
He took some more steps back and then pulled out his gun; the shiny golden one he loved the most out of the arsenal he owned. He aimed it at you, smirking. “I’m gonna ask you some questions and as long as you answer truthfully, I won’t shoot.” 
You remained very still. You hated to admit it, but there was something so immorally powerful about him when he handled his guns. You remember back when you two were together, you could spend hours watching him clean his guns; his favorite toys he called them. Bucky always told you that he believed that weapons shouldn’t be intimidating, but the person handling them should. 
In his case, it was true. Just looking at him made your body throb for a moment. You tried not to let it show but judging by the smug look on his face you could tell that he knew exactly how you felt. 
You knew he would never shoot you.
Bucky Barnes was, afterall, a cunning man who knew how to toy with one’s head. He could have easily taken your gun away from you, could have tied you down on a chair and interrogated you until you gave in. But no, by doing this he was letting you think that you still had some control over this. He knew he had given you the chance, you could’ve easily shot him the moment you walked into the room. But you didn’t. You chose not to. And he knew that. 
You almost smirked when you put it all together. He wasn’t here for answers, because he already had them. He just wanted to hear it from you. He wanted you to verbally say it. He was here for this dark, twisted game of his. 
“Fine.” You agreed. 
He cocked his gun, the sound rang in your ears and it reminded you of the times you pretended not to know shit about guns and had him teach you how to aim. He had done so with a lot of patience and a lot of kisses. 
“How much did you tell your people about me?” He asked. 
You could tell he was easing into it. “I stopped feeding them information after the first six months. I told them it would be risky to keep meeting up with them in secrecy, and that I would soon come back with everything I can gather about you. But I never did.” 
He seemed pleased with that answer. “Of course you didn’t. Instead you ran away.” He watched you cautiously, “How many people know you’re here?” 
“No one does, except for you.” 
That was true. You couldn’t risk going back to your family, not when you were certain that the moment you stepped foot outside of Madripoor your people would find you. 
“Why Madripoor?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. “You could’ve easily hid in the country itself given your… skills.” He knew just where to poke you to make it hurt. “Then why here?” 
“Anonymity. No one knows or cares about who you are or where you come from here. Also because I knew that neither the organization nor you had any connections here whatsoever.” You paused. “Clearly I was wrong.” 
He got really serious, clenching and unclenching his jaw. “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth then? If you couldn’t trust your people at the time, why not turn to me?” 
His question made you chuckle. “I already told you, you would’ve killed me.” 
“And I already told you that I-,” he cut himself off and took a breath. “Why didn’t you trust me?” 
You stared into his eyes, looking. Searching for something you once saw in them. Love, for you. There was a time when he would look at you with nothing but adoration and love. Now he was angry, hurt, frustrated, his power challenged. 
“Because I’ve seen what you do to people who betray you. I knew how much loyalty mattered to you. And I… I couldn’t have possibly looked you in the eyes and tell you that I’ve been lying and manipulating you for a whole year, and that I was sent to take you down.” 
It hurt to say it out loud. 
“You ran because you were scared of me? Of what I would do to you if I found out?” He didn’t bother hiding the hurt. He wasn’t calm and composed anymore, he was visibly troubled. Jaws clenched, fingers tightening around his gun, eyes shooting daggers at you. “Answer me!” He raised his voice out of nowhere and you jumped. 
You lowered your gaze to the floor. In all those years, be it during training or even while on missions, you had never succumbed in any way when a weapon, no matter the size, was aimed at you. Yet now, you could feel your hands starting to shake just a little. 
“Yes. I ran because I was scared of you.” You answered, not having the courage to look up at him. 
He was quiet for four seconds - you know because you counted them - before he lowered his gun and shot at the wooden floor, several feet away from your legs. The sound made you flinch and groan, not in fear but in annoyance. He was breaking you, he was getting everything he wanted out of you. You were giving in, too easily. You hated it. 
“Liar!” He growled and walked right over to you, quickly. His eyes reflected the anger and frustration he felt inside. He placed the barrel of his gun right under your chin. The cold metal made you shiver, mainly because you still remembered that his metal arm felt the same way against your warm skin. “I said no lies.” 
He used the gun to tilt your head back, making you look up into his eyes. He spoke up again, “You ran because you love me, and you couldn’t live with yourself after betraying me. You chose not to lead your people to me, because how could you? How could you do that when you fell in love with the enemy?” Bucky chuckled, removing his gun from your chin and replacing it with his metal hand. 
He leaned in so close that when he spoke next, his lips brushed against yours. “You chose to run away rather than give them what they wanted, because they wanted my fall. You ran from me because you couldn’t admit, nor accept that you cared too much about me.” He chuckled. “You did all of this not because you were scared of me, but because you were scared of them since you had failed in a mission.” He shrugged. “That’s understandable, given you fell in love with the one they sent you to ruin.” 
Your eyes watered. He broke you, finally. He said everything you’ve been avoiding to tell yourself over this past year. And he was right about everything. You were quiet. You didn’t have anything to say to him. 
He spoke up again. “I know for a fact that you knew I would never, ever hurt you. Betrayal or no betrayal.” 
“Buck…” You whispered, your voice cracked as you held back a sob. You felt a single tear slide down your cheek. 
His hand moved from your chin, down to your waist. He pulled you closer, pressing his body to yours. The feeling of his built, taut body against yours brought back memories you weren’t sure you could ever forget. 
“Say it.” He demanded, looking down at your lips, then back into your eyes. His scent filled your senses. He was all you could, and wanted, to focus on. “Tell me I’m right. Tell me the truth you’ve been running from.” He leaned in, as though he was going for a kiss. “Tell me you love me.”
“Bucky, I…” you almost choked on another sob you couldn’t let out. You wanted to tell that you loved him. But the words wouldn’t come out. Something was stopping you; worry or fear or just guilt. 
It was guilt. 
He scoffed. “Too proud? Too self-righteous to admit that the good little spy fell in love with the bad guy?” He pressed his forehead to yours as he walked the two of you back, towards your bed. You knew what he was doing, and you didn’t stop him. “Admit it, babygirl,” he leaned in to whisper in your ear and you felt goosebumps all over your body, “Or maybe I should remind you…” 
Bucky pushed you down on your bed, and he hovered over you supporting himself with one hand while the metal one held his gun right above your face. “You’ve been a bad, bad girl lately.” He murmured, gently lowering his gun and brushing the barrel against your lips, then slowly dragged it down your skin. “Did you think you could hide from me forever?” 
He dragged the tip of his gun all the way down till your thighs, making you tremble. His eyes stared down into yours as he carelessly tossed his gun aside and brought his metal hand over to your mouth again. 
“Do you know how bad I’ve missed you?” He mumbled, tracing your mouth with his cold fingers. For a moment he forgot why he was here in the first place. 
You shivered under his touch. “I’m sorry, Bucky. I never meant to-,” 
He scoffed, cutting you off. “Shut up, babygirl.” He had a mean smirk on his face. “You’ve been bad. And what did daddy tell you about babygirls who misbehave?” His calm demeanor could fool anyone. Anyone but you. 
You knew him too well. You could tell he was burning inside, agitated. Like a wounded predator, planning his next attack. There was no escaping him now. Not that you truly wanted to. 
“They get punished.” You whispered quietly as he tugged on your bottom lip with his thumb. The simple gesture reminded you of all those times spent with him; the nights you spent in his bed, in his arms… 
He chuckled. “Exactly. Now come on, you have a lot to make up for.” He pulled away, and stood up straight at the end of your bed. “Take your clothes off. All of it.” 
The sound of his authoritative voice had your thighs clenching together to try and alleviate the sweet pain in between your legs. That tone of his was a weakness of yours, and he knew it. 
You hesitated only for a moment, but the longer he stared into your eyes the warmer your body felt, and all you wanted to do was to get rid of all that you were wearing. You took your jacket off first, followed by the long sleeved shirt underneath it. You scooted forward, sitting on the edge of the bed to take the rest of your clothes off; shoes, skirt, stockings which left you in your matching set of black underwear. 
You looked up at him, waiting for further instructions. 
“I said, all of it.” He let his eyes roam your body for a moment and then he spoke up again, “Don’t be shy baby, I’ve seen it all before, haven’t I?” 
He had done so much more than just seeing it all. You held his stare as you took your underwear off and had to fight the urge to throw it at his face just for the hell of it. 
“Good girl.” He whispered. “Now lie down, spread those legs for me. Show me what’s mine.” 
The crudeness of his words would’ve surely made you blush if you didn’t know just how vulgar and dirty he could really get, this was nothing. 
You did just as he asked. You held yourself up on your elbows, still holding his stare. Bucky eyed you like you were a warm meal and he was a starving man. There was nothing but lust and mischief in his eyes. 
“Touch yourself for me.” 
You felt your face get really hot for a moment as your heartbeats rang in your ears. “What?” The question just slipped out before you could stop yourself. 
Bucky smirked. “You heard me. Use your pretty fingers and touch yourself. I assume you thought of me each time you… tended to your needs over these past many, many months. I’m sure you missed me,” he chuckled, just as cocky as you expected him to be, “Or at least you missed having my cock buried deep inside of you. Hmm?”  
You studied his face for a moment. Your emotions were shifting; from guilt to annoyance to shame to lust. And you hated how well he had you figured out. “How do you know I haven’t had someone else tending to my needs instead?” You asked, quickly realizing that this wasn’t an ideal situation to be the brat you used to be back then. 
Bucky let out a little laugh; a hot and evil laugh. “No one will ever satisfy you like I do.” He shoved both of his hands in his pockets. “Even if you did, for some reason, fool around with someone here I assure you they won't be breathing for long.” He responded with a straight face. “You are mine. Nobody touches what’s mine and lives.” 
That speech shouldn’t have turned you on as much as it did. 
“Now come on, be a good girl and do as you’re told.” He spoke softly. “Show me how you touched yourself when I wasn’t here to take care of you.” 
Your hands moved on their own; caressing your inner thighs before placing your fingers right over your clit. The look in his eyes made your walls clench around nothing. Your lips parted and you let out a shaky breath as you toyed with your clit, smearing your wetness around before slowly rubbing down your folds and slipping past your entrance with ease given that you were dripping already. Your other hand toyed with your nipple, twisting and tugging. 
Needless to say, Bucky was hard just looking at you. 
You stared into his eyes as you gasped in pleasure as your fingers effortlessly slipped in and out of you. You whined as you fingered yourself, thinking about the last time he touched you – all those months back, on the same night that you left him. And how lovely his mouth felt against your body. Whining in need and frustration, the palm of your hands rubbed against your sensitive clit over and over again as your middle finger slipped in and out of you. 
“Bucky…” you whimpered. 
He just stood there and smirked. “Faster. And don’t you dare cum.” 
You whined, slipping your finger in and out of your wet hole rapidly. “Fuck…” Your own touch took you higher, and higher, and you were on the edge. 
“Stop.” He ordered, moving closer to you but not touching you yet. “Add another finger.” He waited until you did, whimpering as you pushed another finger in. “Good girl, now fuck your little cunt faster for me.” He leaned over and traced your lips with his cold, metal finger, his touch was agonizingly slow. He was so close, but he still wasn’t touching you like you desperately needed him to. 
You took your bottom lip in between your teeth to keep yourself from moaning too loudly. Bucky smirked when he saw how you were struggling to keep quiet. He noticed the way your body squirmed, and he knew you too well so he could tell that you were so close to coming undone. 
“Poor baby,” he cooed, “Is it hard?” he taunted, his fake concern morphing into an evil, handsome and sly smile. “Is it frustrating to not be allowed to have something you so desperately want? Hmm?” 
“Buck… please,” you whined, releasing your swollen lip from your teeth. Your body felt hot, and you needed to just let go and come undone. 
“Stop.” He ordered, shamelessly ignoring your pleas. You stopped, and pulled your hand away from in between your legs. He knelt on your bed, in between your legs. You tried to look away but he grabbed your chin before you could turn your face to the side. He stared into your eyes for a few seconds, not saying anything. Eventually he spoke up, “What do I do with you?” 
You stared at him, a thousand thoughts in your head. “You’re crazy.” You spat, hoping to rile him up. 
He just chuckled softly. “You did this to me.” He sounded bitter, and hurt. He leaned in to brush his lips against yours, making your heart race, “Thoughts of you were messing with my head for the past year.” He confessed, and you felt your heart hurt. “People think I’m cruel, clearly they haven’t had their heart broken by you.” 
You opened your mouth to say something, or maybe apologize, or perhaps you’d say something which would piss him off even more but before you could, his mouth was on yours. He kissed you with passion, but also pent up anger and frustration. He was conflicted, so were you. Both of your pride were hurt, egos bruised but your hearts still yearned for each other. Nothing could change that. 
Before you could process anything, Bucky was kissing down your body; you were a whimpering mess by the time he kissed along your inner thighs. He chuckled darkly when you let out a loud moan as he kissed your throbbing clit ever so gently. Like he used to when he was madly in love with you. 
“Your body remembers me, babygirl.” He seemed proud of that. 
You hated how you couldn’t resist him. You hated how you didn’t even try to. You melted right under his touch as his tongue gently licked down your folds. His hand found yours and he laced his metal fingers with yours while his other hand rubbed up and down your thigh as he pushed his face further into your wet core. 
You couldn’t bring yourself to look down at him, but you were sure he looked enticing with his plump, pink lips on your wet heat; your arousal dripping down his chin and coating his lips as he devoured you. You heard him growl before he bit down on the soft skin at your inner thighs to get your attention. 
“Look at me.” He mumbled. And when you didn’t obey him right away, you earned yourself a gentle smack on your thigh, which only made you squirm even more; causing you to accidentally grind against his mouth. He chuckled again. “Impatient, are we?” 
You supported yourself up on your elbows finally, and looked down at him. His handsome face in between your thighs was a sight you weren’t sure you would ever get used to. You could feel his warm breath fanning your wet skin occasionally as he stared into your eyes until you couldn’t handle the intensity of his stare. 
Bucky held your stare as he attached his lips to your core again, making you whimper in pleasure. He wasn’t planning on stopping until you beg him to. He had missed you, your taste. He had missed this; your warmth and your soft whimpers as he teased you with his tongue. 
“Do you wanna cum for me, babygirl?” He asked, before pressing his lips back against your wet folds. 
You nodded, quickly. “Yes, please…” your legs had begun shaking just a little as he took his time and dragged his tongue up and down your slit. But the way his lips lifted into a smirk gave away that his answer would only disappoint you. 
“No, you’re not allowed to cum.” He cooed, playfully. “Not so easily.” He whispered before he got back to teasing your sensitive spot with his warm and wet tongue; relishing your taste and humming in pleasure as he ate you out. He let out a little laugh, “I forgot how good you taste.” 
You moaned out loud as your back arched off the bed for just a moment, your eyes closing and your head leaning back as you felt a wave of intense pleasure wash over you. You weren’t sure how long you could take this sweet torture. Your fingers tightened around his and he chuckled against your skin. 
“What is it baby, you can’t take it? Hmm? All that sass, all those mind games and now you can’t even handle my tongue?” 
He taunted you before getting back to teasing your entrance with the tip of his tongue. Your body tingled and you felt a sweet pressure forming in between your legs. You were sure he could see the tears of frustration escaping your eyes, falling down your warm cheeks. 
“Please…” you moaned pathetically. 
He licked around your clit one last time before pulling away and kissing his way up your body again. The twisted side of him loved the way you whined when you realized he wasn’t gonna let you cum so easily. He leaned in to kiss your open mouth eventually, making you gasp and moan and forget how to breathe with just one kiss. 
When he pulled away to look at you he smiled at the mess you were. Lips swollen, and bruised with how many times you or him bit down on it. Red marks all over your neck, bite marks along your inner thigh, and your arousal dripping out of you. He quickly placed his fingers where his mouth had been earlier, teasing your clit before shoving two fingers inside of you and stroking your walls so slowly that you were losing your mind. 
“Why won’t you admit it?” he kissed along your cheek and reached your ear where he whispered, “Are you that proud? That heartless?” Judging by his tone you could tell that his emotions were wavering as well. “I searched the whole world to find you.” His fingers sped up as he spoke, your moans got more frequent and holding them back became much more difficult. “And now you’re still gonna be a stubborn, disrespectful brat?” 
The bitterness in his tone woke something inside of you. Did he not realize that you’re not exactly pleased with what you had to do? Did he not understand? Pissed, your annoyance mirroring his, you pushed his hand away and pushed him down on the bed. He wasn’t expecting it so he went down rather easily. You got on top of him, straddling his waist, ignoring the nudity, and stared down at him. 
“Enough! You can’t just walk in here and do or say whatever the fuck you want.” Your sudden outburst took him by surprise. Part of him had always loved it when you got a little aggressive. “I’m not proud of what I did. That’s why I left, the guilt was killing me. It still kills me, every single day. I haven’t had the best year of my life since I left you either. I had to leave my homeland, my family, and I… I had to leave you.” 
He remained quiet. 
“I moved to a place where I knew no one. I’ve been alone for the past year, living amongst strangers, no friends, no family, nothing! All because I couldn’t let them get to me. You were right, because if my people found me they would somehow find a way to get the information they needed and they would’ve surely taken you down. You would’ve never seen it coming.” You sniffled, realizing that you were tearing up again. 
Bucky had, surprisingly, nothing to say. You went on. 
“You want answers? There you have it then. I couldn’t just stay and watch myself become that reason for your fall. I couldn’t let that happen to you, because I love you too much. When I realized I loved you, I panicked. I ran because I didn’t know what else to do, or how to keep them away from you. And I am so sorry for what I did. I understand if you-,”
He cut your long speech off by sitting up and grabbing you just in time before you lost your balance, pressing his lips to yours. You immediately wrapped your arms around his neck and let him hold you, kiss you like he wanted to for so long. His kiss was gentle this time, careful, loving. His metal hand ran up and down your spine slowly as his other hand grabbed you and pulled you close to him by your butt.  
He slowly pulled away and his heart felt like it tore in half at the sight of your teary face. He had been so busy being heartbroken after you left that he didn’t even take a minute to consider this perspective. He was too hurt to even think properly. 
“You could’ve just told me the truth. I would’ve handled them. I would’ve done anything for you, I… I would’ve done whatever it took to keep you safe. You know that, right?” Bucky finally spoke up, sounding much more emotional than he thought he ever could. 
Truth is, before meeting you he always thought that he was incapable of love. But then you walked into his life and everything changed for the better. So when he lost you, without any explanation, he went insane. 
You sighed. “I was scared. I didn’t understand, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was hurting too. You think disappearing out of your life and leaving you behind without saying a proper goodbye was easy?” Your voice cracked as you fought back a sob. “How many times do I have to-,” 
He cut you off. Once he saw the tears accumulating along your water line again. “Okay, okay shh. I just got you back, I don’t wanna fight.” He mumbled, pressing his forehead to yours. 
You sniffled, your heart skipping a beat as his body heat wrapped around you. “I’ve missed you. Every day. I missed you so much. I couldn’t risk reaching out to you to even apologize, I was so scared. I… I didn’t…,” your sentence ended in a whisper, you didn’t know how to articulate your thoughts too well. 
He tightened his arms around you. “It’s okay, baby. Everything is fine now, I found you.” 
You were quiet for a while, enjoying his calming touch and processing all that happened since you stepped inside your apartment tonight. “Are you mad at me?” you asked, seeking to find some sort of sense in all that just happened. 
He sighed, and kissed your forehead. “I was. When I woke up the next morning after you left, I was confused, hurt. Then you didn’t show up for a couple more days and I had my people look you up, and I was told that you were a spy.” His words made you feel uneasy and ashamed of your past. “I was broken, but I never knew what a heartbreak feels like so instead all I felt was anger. But despite all of it, all I wanted was to have you back. Then I found the organization you worked for, and I made sure to destroy it. Since then I’ve been looking for you like a madman.” 
He pulled away to look at you. You managed to look up into his eyes without tearing up again. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. 
He pulled you closer. “I’m sorry too.” 
“I love you.” 
Bucky smiled at you. “Say it again.” 
You reached up and cupped his face in your hands. “I love you. I love you so much and I’m sorry. For everything. I just… I just want you back, please.” 
He leaned in for a kiss, whispering against your lips, “I’m right here, babygirl.” He gently turned to the side and laid you back down on the bed. “I’ve got you now,” he mumbled, pulling away to take his suit jacket off, then his shirt. He tossed both somewhere on the floor and bent down to kiss you again. He kissed down your neck, leisurely; taking his time on you as he unzipped his pants. 
“Buck…” you groaned as he teased you with the soft, feathery touch of his lips. He had been teasing you for so long now, you couldn’t take anymore. Your body felt burning hot again, you needed him. Bad. You needed him like you needed air. 
“Yes, baby?” He asked, kissing down your cleavage; pretending he doesn’t know that you were practically shaking in need. 
You whined, sliding your finger into his dark, soft hair. “I need you. Please, I need you. Now.” You spoke through gritted teeth by the end, tugging at the roots of his hair. 
He chuckled. “So aggressive.” He murmured, kissing up your neck until he reached your mouth. He noticed the way you had unintentionally, gradually parted your legs to accommodate him; your naked body squirming under him, your bare chest pressing up against his, your body heat mixing with his. “I’m gonna take care of you, baby…” he whispered as he lowered his underwear just enough to free his cock. He was rock hard.
You were a whimpering mess by the time he aligned his erected cock to your entrance. You instinctively spread your legs further apart to give him more room. With a slow, steady push, he inserted his length into you. You shuddered, moaning as you felt all of him filling you up. You heard his ragged breaths as he seated himself completely inside you and waited, giving your body time to adjust to him. 
He could still make you tremble in pleasure just like the first time he touched you. Bucky held back his moans and growls as he felt your warmth wrap around him so perfectly. He clenched his jaw as he relished the feeling of being inside of you, finally. 
“Is this what you needed, babygirl?” he asked, looking down at you, and gently grabbing your face, causing you to look up at him. 
You couldn’t talk given how full you were. You just stared at him with parted lips, breathing heavily. Bucky smirked, pulling out just a little before pushing back into you again. You closed your eyes and moaned, arching your back off the surface of the bed again. 
He smirked as he looked down at you. “You waited, didn’t you? You waited only for daddy to stretch you out like this. I know you didn’t let anyone touch you while I wasn’t here.” He remained still as he leaned into your ear, whispering, “The way you’re clenching around my cock right now gives it away.” He chuckled, proud. 
Your face burned. He knew you too well. 
Bucky leaned in to kiss your open mouth, shamelessly shoving his tongue past your parted lips and stroking the inside of your mouth while he began moving in and out of you. He sped up gradually, rocking his hips against yours; his hand reached up to grab your chin gently. He stared into your eyes, speeding up into you again. You gripped the bed sheets as he pounded into you. 
He stretched you out deliciously, perfectly. Filling you up and reaching all the right places as he went. He couldn’t hold back any longer, so he moaned and growled right against your mouth, clenching his jaw or occasionally biting down on your lip as he pounded into you relentlessly. 
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” He spoke as he sped up into you again. You could whine senselessly, overwhelmed by how good he felt deep inside you. 
He leaned down to push his face into your neck as he lifted one of your legs and hooked it to his waist, pushing himself deeper inside you. “Fuck…” he moaned as you clenched hard around him. He down for a moment just to hear you moan wantonly before he sped up again, fucking you relentlessly. “You’re mine. Only mine, you hear me?” 
You nodded, or at least tried to.  
The louder you got, the closer he felt his release coming and the filthier his mouth got. “Your little cunt is mine. Only mine.” He spoke through messy kisses; growling and causing goosebumps to erupt all over your body. “Only I can fuck you like this, you hear me?” Bucky quickened his pace and pounded into you harder than before; the sounds of your skin slapping one another resonated around the modest room. 
Bucky was all you could focus on. The sound of his voice. His body pressing down on yours. His cock inside you. Your walls began to clench tighter around him. His moans, his hot breath against your cheek, his messy kisses. Just him. You had missed him so terribly, and only now did you wonder how in the world did you survive so long without him? 
He took you higher, and higher, and higher until you felt more tears escape your eyes. “Please, Buck…” you whined, begging pathetically and unable to arrange your words or your thoughts any better. “Please…” 
Your eyes were droopy in lust. His eyes were too as he stared down at you with a handsome and arrogant smirk on his face. “Please what, babygirl?” 
His pretty blue eyes put you under a trance. “Please, can I cum?” 
Bucky caressed your cheek with his knuckles, his metal hand holding him up above you. He didn’t know how he managed to survive without you all these months. He was barely living without you. He looked down at you with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. 
“Go on, baby. Cum for me.” 
You let the pressure build inside you, before simply letting go. He didn’t slow down as you felt your orgasm wash over you, Bucky kept pounding into you as your eyes rolled back and you moaned out loud as you came. You whimpered at how he kept slamming into you even as you came, and your face burned as you felt a familiar knot forming again right at your core.
He fucked into you relentlessly. “Fuck…” He panted and groaned at how good you felt around him; wet and warm all for him. Your walls clenched around him violently and your body arched off the bed. 
You felt your second release approaching even before you could recover from the first one. Your leg around his waist was numb but you still wanted more of what he had to give. You would take whatever he gave you in that moment, given you had gone so long without him. 
You felt your mind getting foggy again. His large frame hovering above you as he fucked deeper into you, just a little more. “Cum for me again, baby.” He growled, his lips dangerously close to yours as you whined and whimpered under him. Your body trembled as you came for the second time, walls tightening around his length, gushing out around his cock while he still pounded relentlessly into you until he came as well.
You felt his thrust getting sloppy and irregular until he came to a stop and just groaned as he came violently. His warm cum filled you up and some of it trickled out of you when he carefully removed his cock from your entrance.
He collapsed on the bed beside you, catching his breath before pulling you into him. You were slightly shaking as he wrapped his arms around you, kissing your skin wherever he could, murmuring sweet nothings. 
“You okay, babe?” he asked after a few minutes of just holding you in his arms, in silence; both of you just enjoying each other’s warmth and presence. 
You nodded, placing your arm over his chest and scooting closer to him, pressing up against his side. 
You both remained quiet for a while longer. Thinking about the past, and the future. 
“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” You asked, your brain starting to overthink again. 
Bucky sighed. “Baby I couldn’t stay mad at you even if you intentionally stabbed me through the heart and watched me bleed to death.” 
You took a second to process what he just spoke of, and you made a face at him, showing your horror and concern, which then made him laugh out loud. “You’re sick.” You muttered, placing a gentle kiss to his metal arm. The cold metal against your lips reminded of somewhere you desperately wanted to be - home. 
He shrugged, pulling you closer. “Yeah. Also cruel, devious and pure evil. But you love me nonetheless.” He teased. 
You smiled, your worn out body snuggled up against him. You felt your eyelids drooping as sleep slowly took over you. Today has been a lot. “I do.” You spoke softly. 
Bucky looked down and saw that you were slowly drifting off to sleep. He adjusted the covers so that you were well covered with the warm blankets. He tucked you in and wrapped his arms around you protectively, as though you might slip away from his grasp again. 
“I love you, babygirl. Sleep tight, we’re going home soon.” 
You didn’t respond so he figured you must have fallen asleep. While he hugged your sleeping figure, he thought back on everything you said tonight. Your biggest fear was that you might end up being the reason for his fall. But little did you know that ultimately, you had been the only reason he knew what truly falling in love was like.
3K notes · View notes
oh-katsuki · 3 years
Text
Jealousy (Connie x Reader)
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
phases of love collab | masterlist
Pairing: Connie x Reader
Summary: You take Sasha’s place. 
Content Warnings: Implied aot ending spoilers, smut, angst, character death (reader), some fluff, romantic sex, slight cockwarming, drugs / alcohol
Word Count: 3.6k
A/N: This hurt me to write so I hope it hurts to read. Thank you so much to @dande-lion​ and @eremiie who beta-read this and gave me so many suggestions because I didn’t like the way I worded it. I would not have been able to be happy with this without you, ILYSM
For @mikaberries​ collab! Thanks for letting me participate!
Tumblr media
Connie’d never loved like this before. He can’t recall a single time in his life that he’s felt so truly connected to someone, so deeply ingrained in someone else’s being that he doesn’t know who he’d be without them. 
Connie had you wrapped in his body, dick buried in you so deep and legs intertwined so gently. His delicate fingers sunk into your skin as one wrapped around your waist, the other around your head. There was nothing rough about tonight, nothing exemplary or particularly outstanding except for the fact that he was hopelessly in love with you. 
Connie was infatuated with you. He couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t feel enough of your skin against his as he fucked himself up into you with steady flicks of his hips. You felt so good around him, hips grinding to meet his with gentle moans. He wishes he could have this moment forever, wrap it up and keep it in his pocket so he can feel it whenever he needs to. The way your gummy walls hugged him or how you breathed in low and deep sighs with each of his thrusts. 
“So beautiful…” He exhaled against your skin, pulling back to take the hand from your head and run his thumb along the plump skin of your cheek. 
You gave him a lazy smile, eyebrows furrowed together in focus and pleasure as he leaned in to kiss you. It was delicate at first, pumping into you slowly, keeping up his sluggish pace. Connie was taking you in, appreciating the feel of your lips on his and the way you tasted like sweat and sex and something akin to cinnamon. 
Connie wasn’t working towards a goal, arm wrapped lazily around your body, sticky with sweat while he admired your feel.That was the best way to put it— he was simply letting you both admire each other’s feeling, whispering sweet nothings, he just wanted to love you. So he fucked into you languidly, mind clouded over and head spinning. 
He could remember clearly every moment like this he’d had with you and he was about to lock away this one with the first time he saw you, your first kiss, your first time. He doesn’t know why this moment in particular strikes him so deeply, but the way you look and your cunt fluttering around him has his heart swelling with love and pride. 
You’re his. 
There was nothing to be discontent with, no doubt seeded in his heart about another man, no jealousy bubbling in his gut. You were only his and he knew it, he could feel it in the desperate little sighs of his name as you came closer to your high, heat building in your stomach as the candle beside the bed dimmed as it burned through its wick. 
The two of you had been like this for hours, Connie unwilling to let you go until he’d felt you come undone around him so much that he’s all you think about— you’re all he thinks about. He was already all you thought about though, already taking up the most space in your mind even when you weren’t creaming around him. Still, you couldn’t complain, so wrapped in his smell and feel that you let him keep rutting his hips into you, arms looped around his body and fingers digging into the muscles of his back. 
But it’s true, Connie’s love for you was incredible and you felt it with every stroke of his big hand against you, in the way your skin buzzed as if it were whispering its own sweet words between his. Words of praise whispered over the pillow, lips brushing past each other’s ear to mumble quiet “I love you’s” that rattle through each other's bodies like coins down a well. 
When you finally came undone in a steady rise, like water bubbling delicately over the edge of a too-full container, you whimpered, teeth sinking into the muscle of his shoulder. Your legs trembled as he held you tightly, slowing his movements and letting you bury your face into him, looking for anything to ground you as your body rolled. 
Connie loved your voice, the whine of his name that spilled from your lips and the way your cunt clenched around him, pillowy and soft. He loved you and with that profound knowledge, soon met his own high with a stutter of his hips, cumming deep into you as he buried himself to the hilt. 
You stayed like that for a while, wrapped in each other, Connie unmoving within you as you panted against each other before your breathing fell into an even rhythm. How was he supposed to let you go? How could he be expected to pull out and let you pad to the toilet. It would only be a few minutes but he found himself dreading the moment you stirred in his arms. He’d let you meld yourself to him like this if it were possible. 
“You know that I’ve got to get up.” You chuckled into his chest, turning your head to glance to the nightstand. “And I’d like to get up before that candle burns through and I have to stumble through the dark.” 
It was growing dim, nearing the end of its life span as it casted a low light across the bedroom. Connie’s desk was faintly illuminated in the corner but you were focused on the way the light danced over his features, displaying the apples of his cheeks that rounded with his smile. 
“I know,” he sighed, pulling you closer, “just don’t wanna let you go right now.” 
“You big baby, it’s only a few minutes.” You say, peeling yourself from him and pulling him out of you gently. 
He was soft already, but the act itself was intimate and you could feel the way he started to spill out of you as you moved to the other side of the room, wrapping a robe around yourself before leaving the bedroom. 
Connie watched you as you left, admiring your hips and your figure as you receded into the darkness. How had he gotten so lucky? He somehow managed to snag the girl the entire regiment was crazy for, and– as you both moved through the ranks– managed to fall so irrevocably in love with you that he’s forgotten who he was without you. 
Still, he wouldn’t trade it for the world, wouldn’t trade you for the world. 
He was deep in thought by the time you returned to bed, discarding the robe and snuggling up beside his naked figure. 
Of all the things that had changed recently, you hadn’t. You remained the woman he loved more than anything, still smiling. He remembers the way you’d joke with your friends and squad, evenings spent laughing at a pub with all of the captains after your promotion. 
Every major event of his life had been spent with you and you both had made it out clean, more appreciative of the love you shared. Connie cherished every part of you, every fleeting moment with you. 
And he was certain that he’d do it for the rest of his life. 
---
They’d suspected that Eren had gone awol. That he’d gone off on his own. Connie should have stopped him, they could have talked some sense into him before he fled to Marley, attacking a congregation of world leaders and forcing the Scout Regiments hand. 
You both had separated so quickly, each moving away from each other in your own individual squadrons without so much as a stay safe. You both always did. Connie couldn’t have imagined that you’d be one of the six who didn’t make it home. 
He couldn’t have guessed that the child would sneak aboard the ship and point the rifle toward Sasha’s chest. But Connie could have predicted the way you jumped in front of her, moving before you had time to think to shield his best friend from the shot. 
Connie would never forget the look in your eyes as your blood seeped and pooled onto the cold floor of the airship, his warm hands pressed to your cooling chest, covered in a thick layer of your blood. You looked content, the same look you’d flash at him before any expedition. You were at peace and you smiled up at him. A far too pleased smile for someone who was slipping from Connie’s hands faster than he could process— faster than he wanted you to. How could you be smiling? He was losing you. 
 It was like you to take a shot for a friend. You always put your comrades before yourself like that.
You and Sasha were both brave that way, the only difference being that today, Sasha would return home to her lover and you would not. Your body would stay in the morgue for the night before they placed you six feet below the ground in a graveyard not far from where you lived. 
How is it that you could be so close so far away at the same time?  He’d never get to feel your body against his again, never hear your laugh that rings like chimes on a spring day, and looking at your grave after the funeral procession, he could only think about how quickly your blood had cooled on the floor of the airship. Connie stared at the fresh dirt under the headstone, trying to bring anything but your lifeless eyes to mind. He tried to think of your smile, of the crinkle in your eye whenever he’d say something stupid, but instead he was reminded of the uncharacteristically stiff way your body laid in the airship and the wan tone of your skin as your precious years drained from your face. 
---
As time passed jealousy bled into Connie’s life. Slowly at first, in the waning hours of the morning when he’d be awake and full of drink. He found himself thinking about you constantly, your picture flashing through his mind with startling clarity. 
He’d wake up in the middle of the night, grabbing at the sheets beside him– searching for you, wondering in his half asleep state where you’d gone, only to be reminded that this time you weren’t coming back to bed. You’d no longer take your trips to the bathroom and you were much farther away than a few minutes. Instead, he was reminded that he’d have to spend a lifetime without you. 
A lifetime without your presence. How unfathomable. So he buried himself in drink, in alcohol, in fighting a war he no longer had a reason to fight. It was bearable that way, his days without you. He was occupied. Working until his hands shook and his feet ached, then drinking to quell the pain. It was all he knew in those following days, working for a peace you’d never know, drinking to forget your time together, sleeping in hopes that he’d see you in another world. But the next world wasn’t for him. Life mercilessly kept him alive, despite his carelessness in the fight.
When the war finally ended and things came to a quiet halt, everything became harder. Eldia rebuilt its streets, patching up the wounds that battle had left on it, and with the power of the titans gone, Eldians were negotiating their terms of peace and fighting the good fight to total freedom. Connie found it difficult now to focus on anything but your absence. 
He’d move down the cobbled streets of Marley and be reminded of you at every turn, reminded of something you’d never get to see. He thought of your plans for the future and the way you’d agreed to marry him once peace finally came, but peace came and went without you. 
The summer months in Marley were the most beautiful. They brought couples and children and laughter. You’d have loved them. In between peace negotiations, Connie would let himself wander through the streets. Why he even bothered to go outside? He had no clue, but he still did it everyday without fail, wandering until he ended up in the same place he always did. He’d find a seat in the park and watch the couples, listening to the way the ocean sounded as it beat against the shore. 
It was supposed to make him feel better, supposed to remind him that things were okay now. But all he felt was unimaginable rage. A rage that grew brighter with each gust of wind and each rustle of leaves. Each happy chuckle of passing couples and each aimless laughter of stumbling children. Connie was jealous, perpetually and undeniably. 
He was jealous of the time the two of you never got. Jealous of the people who would spend their lifetimes with their lovers and get to cradle their children. Jealous of his own time, the years he had left ticking by slowly and twisting the knife in his gut with each turn of the month on a calendar. He was jealous of Marco who was no doubt with you now, jealous of Erwin and Miche and anyone they’d ever lost because they were with you.
Why did everyone else get so much time? What made them so different from you? Connie couldn’t understand a world where someone else deserved to survive to see the end when you didn’t, where people other than the two of you got enough time to live out their lives. 
Connie didn’t have that luxury and you surely didn’t either. 
The weight piled on, the greed, disgust, and envy weighed on his shoulders like boulders. A person can only take so much, can only struggle for so long under such a profound feeling. 
It was the day the negotiations were finished, the day the war came to a true end and Eldians were no longer discriminated against legally, that he broke. 
He fell to his knees in his temporary apartment after getting home and seeing the bare walls, the ones that lacked pictures because he’d never gotten to take any of you. You would have loved today, would have pulled him into the living room to dance or even invited all of your remaining friends to your shared apartment to celebrate. Connie could practically hear you telling him to appreciate the day, your voice chiming like bells in the recesses of his mind. It was haunting. 
“Fuck!” He shouted, slamming his fist onto the counter and collapsing to the floor as sobs wracked through his body. 
His friends had followed him to his apartment, worried for him. They had been for a while and today was the breaking point, watching him sway down the steps of the courthouse without so much as a word. They could hear him crying through the walls, hear the guttural cries that seemed to push through him so angrily. 
Connie’s stomach was twisting in painful knots, it was years of being tired, years of missing you crumbling all at once in a crescendo of anger and unimaginable grief. He was sick, his heart wrenched in his chest, hammering against his ribcage, something your heart could no longer do. 
It was sickening, how his bones wracked and how his shoulder shook with every shuddering sob. His own walls were finally let down and his veiled emotions crashed over him appallingly fast. How did he carry around this weight, this grief, for so long? 
Connie couldn’t pick his head up from his hands when his friends came in, ushering themselves past the entrance to crouch on the floor with him, Jean’s arm bracing his frame and helping to keep him upright. They let him cry like that for a long while, letting the sounds echo through an apartment that should have had you in it. 
They all missed you, but they had already done their mourning. In doing so, they’d left Connie behind to fend for himself. Left him alone like you had. 
“She’s watching from somewhere, Connie.” Jean’s voice piped up, low and reassuring.
“Y’know-” Connie choked out, sniffling. “Everyone talks so much about this a-afterlife.”
Another sob wracks through him. 
“About his place where the dead go once they’ve finished their time here.” He was shouting now, voice rising. 
“I just wish that maybe there was some fucking proof that she’s still there.” His fists balled up against the floor. This time Connie doesn’t try to stop the cries to talk, he pauses to let himself sob before speaking again. “Because right now I can’t find a single reason to believe she’s out there and I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to see her again.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to move on? How do I carry this weight? How can I keep taking steps forward when she’s not at the end?” Connie’s eyes snap up to Jean, his hand coming to grab his wrist. 
His eyes were pleading, crying for an answer, something, somebody to tell him that there was something to look forward to. That you would be at the end of this stupid game called life. His  voice came up from the deepest recesses of his body. Eyebrows pulled up in anguish, eyes glassy with tears that refused to let up as he peered into his best friend’s eyes. Connie knew he couldn’t answer, knew that there was no one secret to getting through this, that he’d have to power through on his own. But he was so angry, so exhausted from fighting. 
“Why did it have to be her!” He gasps, eyes going wide as realization courses through his shaking body. “Why didn’t she get more time, why didn’t she get to fucking see today?! Why was it me? _____ would have known what to say today, would have had the perfect words. I’ve never had them, never had anything to say.” 
Connie inhaled deeply, blinking until limpid tears decorated the fabric of his uniform. “I need her here. I need her.” 
That was the last thing he said that night, letting himself cry on the floor in the company of his friends who tried in vain to calm him. He raged against fate, body heaving in tremendous sobs that left his chest feeling emptier than before, inhaling in great pulls because with each cry he could feel the water flooding his lungs. Invading, violating, and wretched with every wail. Everything served as a reminder for his jealousy, ugly and painful in its existence. 
Connie knows you’d have hated this. 
Could you see him right now? Were you watching in the months to come as he hit his lowest low before slowly starting to pick himself back up, finally formally forgiving Gabi even though he hadn’t blamed her for a long while. 
It took a long time for him to gain that semblance of normalcy and once he returned to Eldia from overseas, he went straight to your grave, finally able to face your name scrawled on the headstone once again. Connie hadn’t expected it, but with time the jealousy faded into a dull ache. He spent hours in the graveyard that day, staying with you until the sun had long set over the horizon and the air nipped at his skin. Connie would take any time he could have with you, even if it was like this. And as he sat there talking about the newfound peace, he hoped you could hear him. 
He was filled with regrets about you. He wishes he had made you laugh more or studied the way you threw your head back in a smile because after so many years the memory had faded to little more than a silhouette. Connie wished he had taken pictures of you, kissed you on the day he met you, married you. But he couldn’t.
Connie wondered if you were watching him all the time. Did you watch his healing, the way he picked himself back up after being shattered and broken for so long. Maybe he’d glued part of you to him when he patched himself up, maybe he still gets to carry some of you with him in the corner of his heart he knows is reserved for you.
Did you see the day he met her? The woman he’d marry one day. She’d caught his eye because she reminded him so much of you, especially in her smile. Connie couldn’t help but think you’d had something to do with it, some cosmic influence that led her to him. 
He thought of you on his wedding day as his bride moved down the aisle, radiant in her beauty. Connie loved her the way he loved you, deeply and honestly. He thought of you the day his first child was born and on every day after that because he saw you in every part of his little girl. He saw you in the way she laughed and the way she ate, the way she stood up after scraping her knee to keep running. 
Connie told his wife about you, about the love he lost, and his daughter thought of you as family, despite never meeting you. Your name fell from his family’s lips so often that it was like you’d never left this world in the first place. 
He healed, Finally, time began moving again and that sickening envy slipped from his veins like melting ice. He was no longer jealous. 
He still goes to your grave, every Sunday. He brings his family and sits his daughter on his lap to tell stories about you, about every aspect of you. Partly because he wants her to know, but also so that he can remember. It’s like a prayer, uttering your name as they sit in the grass that had long grown over the dirt with such reverence, such adoration. 
The wind moves through the trees, shaking leaves from their late summer bloom and Connie swears he can hear you laughing, deep and rich and so like you. 
Tumblr media
taglist: @namrekcaivel , @mikaberries , @kyuhos , @veroyktv , @honeyzawa , @erenstellar , @female-titan , @kiyoobi , @pancakesv , @jean-prettyboy-kirschtein , @lazyezstudy , @jeanbabygirl , @peachysimp , @shisoaya , @shekeepsitsweet , @babybottlepop96 
please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from my taglist! 
829 notes · View notes