#like i never noticed until my fucking grade and sense of self worth depended on it but

[svtskneecaps]

.

#congratulations mom you raised a fucking parrot #a goddamn pushover #literally i have the conversational functionality of one of those toys where they repeat what you said but higher #like OH MY GOD #like i never noticed until my fucking grade and sense of self worth depended on it but #i have zero opinions?? #i just agree with whatever somebody said #i'm pretty sure even in ENGLISH conversations my contributions are limited to 'what' and 'yeah' #but literally my mental stability depends on me forming opinions by like....... tomorrow #i don't have opinions on anything that matters?? or even on anything that doesn't?? #my grasp of the language is probably fine #like i understand a lot. my comprehension's p good! #i just can't fuckin showcase that bc I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY #and !! i just want to cry !! bc honestly most of my identity depends on my schoolwork and i stg if i got this far just to lose my ib diploma #bc i have zero opinions #i'm never gonna fucking forgive myself #negativity #shut up vic #not kpop

[heroicintention-a]

ALL THE QUESTIONS! (For Mary)

💓 When did they have their first crush?

Mary’s first crush was in sixth grade. Being the little rebel she was, she set her sights on an eighth grader. She never spoke to him, still being shy in sixth grade. Middle school made her a loudmouth, taught her how to tell people off and how to sass everyone within a ten foot radius– much to her parents’ irritation. In her freshman year, she saw that first crush again and wasted no time making sure he noticed her. Of course, she didn’t ask Joseph out and she definitely played hard to get. (Also I adore the idea of Joe and Mary being high school sweethearts??? Please??)

❤ Have they ever been in love?

Yes. Mary was madly in love with Joseph when they got married and she’s still very much in love with him. 

💕 How easily do they fall in love?

It has only happened once (or so Mary will claim and she will deny otherwise), but she falls pretty easily. With Joseph, it was incredibly quick but this may also be because her home life wasn’t great. He was like a lifeline and a constant as she watched her parents going through a particularly nasty divorce.

💖 How do they say ‘I love you’ without really saying it?

It depends. Mary has a lot of little ways she will say I love you without words. Sometimes it’s walking up and embracing for a long moment, arms around her husbands neck and head placed just right so she can hear his heart beat, fingers tapping it out rhythmically. Or it’s cooking large meals– she did this a lot when she had just dropped out of college and was living with Joseph for the first time, she joked about culinary school but never went– with everything made from scratch. It’s talking about Margaritaville. It’s setting up Margaritaville for when her husband gets home…. lately it’s coming home drunk and instead of shouting, curling up close to Joseph’s side or in his lap or whispering that she wants to dance to ‘that stupid Jimmy Buffett shit.’

😕 Have they ever said ‘I love you’ without meaning it?

Yes. This is one of those times she’ll never admit to and honestly, she doesn’t remember it. It was when she and Robert were out barhopping one night, one of the evenings after Joseph was gone for a full night. She got drunk. Usually Mary can function, she keeps herself to a certain number of drinks, tipsy is usually a better word for her. Or buzzed. But she was drunk, much worse than Robert (thank God he was in somewhat sound mind). The two of them were stumbling walking home. She was humming Hey Good Lookin’ and then he started singing it, and she looked at him and just said it. And then started sobbing… and saying a lot of things. Things she wouldn’t say without drinking. Joseph was awake when Robert got Mary home. Mary collapsed into him. She was asleep before he got her to bed. 

👀 Would they ever enter/have they ever entered into a friends with benefits relationship?

There have been several times such a dynamic has crossed her mind. If she wasn’t with Joseph, she probably would. As it is, she is a faithful wife and plans to remain that way.

💋 How old were they when they had their first kiss?

She was thirteen. It wasn’t with Joseph but with one of her friends at a sleepover during a game of truth or dare. 

🚗 When did they go on their first date?

Define date. The first time she went out with Joseph, she snuck out the window to go to a party and may have gotten a little tipsy off of wine coolers. And may have thrown up in the host’s pool (Joseph held her hair and after that made sure she ate and drank water if she had any drinks). 

Their first legitimate date wasn’t until a year into their relationship because her father didn’t like her dating an older boy… but her mom didn’t care. Being old enough at the time of divorce to decide where she stayed most of the time, Mary would go to her mom’s when Joe asked her out so there wouldn’t be a fuss. Her mom loved Joseph, but mainly she liked that her daughter had a boyfriend. 

🌹 What is their idea of a perfect date?

A night out, no kids, a good wine and dine. Or staying in, still no kids, and a home cooked meal, sharing a bath, flower petals on the bed… Just something romantic, damn it. 

🔑 At what point would they move in with a partner?

With Mary? Probably quickly. She has a good sense of people, and it doesn’t take long for her to know if they’ll get along. In the case of Joseph, she didn’t move in right away. She tried college and moved into a dorm, but she found the entire place depressing. Classes were boring, her professors weren’t motivating… When one of them offered her a raised grade in exchange for a private meeting, she decided she had enough and dropped out. 

She bounced from her mother’s to her father’s, having gotten used to at least a little independence. In the end, she moved in with Joseph and got a job at a run down superstore. Which was also bleak, but she was happy coming home.

💟 What is their stance on PDA?

When she was younger, Mary was a big fan of it. Partially because in high school, it was ‘no PDA’ and she liked being a bit of a troublemaker. And after that? Why the hell should she care? If she wanted to kiss her boyfriend, she would do it. And God the look she got from his mom when they kissed was hilarious.

Now, Mary wouldn’t know how to react to PDA.. But it would probably be somewhat the same.

🍵 Do they prefer to ask out a partner or be asked?

She wants to be asked out. In a way, it’s a self assurance that people want her. 

👥 What is my muse’s sexual & romantic orientation?

Mary would consider herself somewhat flexible, but mainly she is attracted to people with more masculine qualities (for example, she wouldn’t date someone with breasts). More than likely, she would still flirt if she found someone interesting enough, and she wouldn’t mind kissing a woman, but that would be as far as it went.  

💦 When did they lose their virginity?

Prom night, her’s not Joseph’s because she wanted to be eighteen before being involved sexually (or, rather, before having sex). It was more her idea than Joseph’s and for a hot minute, she thought he was going to tell her no after she went to fucking Victoria’s Secret to pick something out. 

⁉ Have they ever questioned their sexuality?

The entirety of middle school after that first kiss. 

💡 What made them realize their sexuality?

She had a bit of a…. interaction freshman year with one of the girls on the cheer squad, before she was with Joseph (but while she was trying to get his attention). It just didn’t feel right to her. She wasn’t into the girl, she didn’t like how she felt… It just didn’t click and she realized that. 

💌 When was their first serious relationship?

High school. Starting in Freshman year. 

💘 What was their most serious relationship?

Same guy as in high school– Joseph.

💝 What was their most recent serious relationship?

She has literally only been seriously romantically involved with one person, and that is her husband Joseph. Even if things aren’t great right now.

💗 What advice would they give a potential partner about making their relationship last if they could with no judgment?

Don’t. Fucking. Cheat. 

💫 Have they ever been hit/struck by a partner?

No. Physical violence would be something that Mary wouldn’t stand– or else would retaliate against. But she has never been afraid of Joseph hitting her, and she would never hit him, though while drunk she has shoved him after finding out about an affair. This would probs be different in cult ending ngl.

❌ What is the biggest mistake they make in their relationships?

Having children. Having a miscarriage. Not leaving after the first time. Probably self medicating with alcohol after her miscarriage, and not accepting the mental health that the hospital offered because of the stigma her mother had always put on the subject of psychologists being ‘for crazy people.’

💥 What was their worst relationship?

I mean, she’s miserable and her husband has cheated on her more than once so…

😓 Have they ever cheated on a partner?

Mary has flirted with men, usually when she’s a little drunk and usually to get more drinks or because she sees the men messing with some girl because she loves making shit heads uncomfortable. However, she has never gone farther than that, and after a man buys her a drink (or refuses to) the flirting stops. Usually she also distances herself.

😢 Have they ever been cheated on by a partner?

Yes. Her husband on multiple occasions. 

💞 Would they ever enter/have they ever entered into a polyamorous relationship?

Mary probably still would enter into a polyamorous relationship so long as she felt secure that she would not be left behind in it. She would definitely have guidelines, but it could work. 

😭 When was their first breakup?

She and Joseph broke up for a couple months or so after he graduated. But obviously, it didn’t last. It was mainly because Joseph was supposed to be going far away for college… but things worked out differently, and with a very large bouquet, Joseph asked for Mary to take him back.

💔 What was their worst breakup?

Joseph. Mary was heartbroken. She wouldn’t do much that wasn’t required from her for the first couple of weeks, but she slowly got back to normal. Her father hoped she would meet someone else and she did, but that fell out of the picture when Joseph came back.

👍 What was their most amicable breakup?

Also Joseph (for the few months it lasted). It was a breakup on mutual terms, even though it was upsetting. 

🌙 Have they ever had a one night stand?

Nope.

🍷 How far would they go on a first date?

She doesn’t kiss on the first date.

💍 Would they ever get married?

She is married. And if she and Joseph divorced, she would be open to remarrying. 

💎 Would they rather propose or be proposed to?

Proposed to. Again, it has to do with her sense of self esteem/self worth.

💒 What kind of wedding would they want to have?

Originally, she envisioned something very traditional… Church wedding, bouquet of roses, marble cake… But she and Joseph eloped (which, with their families, was a much better idea), and she decided it was a lot less stress.

👶 Do they want children?

*half laughing, half sobbing*

🍼 Could a partner ever change their mind on children?

Mary did want children, so originally no– her mind wouldn’t be changed. But if it was a ‘if you knew then what you do now,’ she would have stopped after Chris. She wouldn’t risk going through what she did again, the physical and mental pain of it, the slow ruin of her relationship… She’d never admit that though. 

this took over a fucking hour omfg XD

#mary christiansen rp #mary headcanons #;;headcanons #|| sippin' on a cocktail drinking in the loo :: mary christiansen || #;;asks

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

And Then She was Gone...

Growing up I spent so much time alone. Not by choice. Try as I might I would try to fit in. Say I liked a color, cartoon, or person just to connect with peers. But I never really worked out. I was always deem weird. Most notably was my third grade softball team. I was excited about the idea of joining a sport my older sister was actively involved in. All younger siblings at one point and time idolizing our older siblings/cousins. To make things even more cooler I was going to get to hang with my best friend, Stuck. You see, my mom made me move the second day of third grade to new school, thus leaving all my friends including Stuck behind. I was pissed to say the least. I went from a diverse school where I could wear jeans and purple shirts and siting at the same table as Stuck, to wearing hot navy blue slacks and white polo t shirts and isolated cause I did not look like everyone else. I guess signing me up for this sport was my moms attempt to make a subtle peace offering with me. 

But man, when I tell you the only person to really interact with me was good old pal, is an understatement. I remember this girl name Lisa, she couldn't stand me. And quickly she had all the other girls feeling the same way. Typical mob mentally stuff. Not passing me the ball as well as the constant taunting about how completely weird I was.

“Hey Pep, when are you going to get that brain transplant?” 

“Stuck, why are you even friends with such a weirdo?”

It’s it odd that even typing this makes me tear up a little.

It is incidents like these that made me quit trying to fit in and act EXTRA odd. I mean, Stuck, tried her best to get them off my back but, to no avail. I was an outcast so, needless to say I did not come back the next season. Softball, ballet, tap dance, heck even Girl Scouts troop with my cousins. The latter attempt hurt the more, than the former because at least then I would not be the only black kid and the whole “we are family” vibe it was stop the exclusions. Nope. No even there could I find the “I finally belong” feeling that had been missing.

Thus, no surprise I am an Introverted adult, begrudgingly I might add. I fallen into I, “ wish I had constant companion” trope again. I can help that I feel like somethings always missing feeling. The only time I really feel safe is when at least one person wants to be in my presence. I have the irrational fear of dying alone/never falling in love. I always have had that one lone friend that inner spidy sense tells them to checked up on me, called me often, or invited me to hang. But as I gotten older it’s gotten harder to do. Everyone one I know for the most part has paired up 2 by 2, like in Noah's ark, same and opposite sex partners alike. So, I end up spending nights and weekends and alone hoping that one of them remembers my “blast in a glass” attitude and include me in the third or fifth wheel activities. Not, that I want to be going out every night, cause that crap drains the shit out of me trying to look like a care about some bull-ish, when I just want to feel included. I also get tired as ALL HELL having my older sister, bug me to babysit constantly with her cavalier notion that I forever at her disposal because I have no boyfriend or real social life. She never bothers to invite me to any place unless she's on the outs with her current new rotation of friends/boyfriend. But that’s for another story.

I guess, what I hinting at is, the fact is, with everyone having someone to talk, cuddle, fuck, love, etc. all over the inter webs and social media, its hard for my mind not to wonder what am I lacking. Especially, when I see good friends of mine hanging out in groups of four or more, get the burning feeling like I was not included or constantly looked over on purpose. A simple phone call or text to see if I was working, have money, or whatnot would have been nice. But instead depending on how many Instagram or snapchat stories I view, leave me feeling empty and dissed. 

That’s why I decided to log off my three social media accounts for a week, or at least until Friday when I go out with my mom for my Mother’s Day treat. I am tired of looking and comparing and losing my self worth in things that would be happening regardless if I witness them or not. I mean even when I am out by myself and post no one bothers to interact through these sites anyway. If they do it’s usually just a quick lol not, questions and answer time. So, I’ll just go ghost since no one is going notice either way. It’s for my greater peace of mind.

Wish me luck Dear Reader, even if you don't bother reading this.

#blog 12 #one is the loneliest number #social media #makes me sad #why not me #why me #do you even see me #do you even hear me #take notice #teased #taunting #girls #social exclusion #I tried #I failed #over it #taking a break #social media break #looking out for me #introvert #will they miss me #probably not #peppercorn #sea salt

[skonnaris]

16 Small Habits That Could Seriously Improve Your Life Within A Year

1. Try reading for a set amount of time each day. If you read for 30 minutes every day, that’s 3.5 hours a week, which is enough to finish a book every two to four weeks. Depending on what you choose to read, that’s 12 to 24 books completed in a year! 

2. Practice swapping “sorry” for “thank you” when the situation is right I used to (and still do) have a problem with over-apologizing in basically every situation even when a serious apology isn’t needed. When you get into this kind of habit, it may seem reactive to just apologize for everything you do to try to please other people. It can affect your confidence and also degrade the way other people view you because you become the person who’s sorry for everything. So, I’ve tried to consciously use ‘thank you’ to change that. Every time I get into a situation or catch myself about to say I’m sorry for something (that really doesn’t warrant a heartfelt apology), I look for a reason to say thank you instead. Running late for work? Say ‘thanks for your patience’ instead of ‘sorry I’m late.’ Not only does this keep you from looking like a sad sack for apologizing all the time, it actually shifts focus onto the person you’re apologizing to. 

3. Don’t just put things down, put them away Wise words from my mates grandma “Don’t put it down, put it away”. So much of the mess around my apartment was down to me leaving things out instead of taking the extra minute to put them away in their correct place. I’m not perfect but it has helped!! 

4. And do your dishes every single day Dishes, do your goddamn dishes every day and you wont feel fucked up every 2 weeks with a pile of them. 

5. If something’s going to take you less than two minutes, just do it then and there Live by the rule: if something takes 2 minutes or less to accomplish, just do it. You’ll notice how many things are really not that bad, but also how much accomplishing things is just a mental block. 

6. Try to go to bed and get up at similar times each day Recovering insomniac here. Ensuring consistency in your sleep/rise times is one of the most important parts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI). Makes waaaaay more of a difference than you’d first think. 

7. Actually start flossing your teeth every day Honestly the sense of satisfaction when you answer “yes” to the dentist about flossing daily after a lifetime of the guilty “no” is well worth it. Plus my mouth feels pretty decent now. 

8. Put all of your spare change into a jar for an entire year Put all your spare change in a jar 

9. Make a plan for the following day before you go to bed at night Plan the next day before going to bed at night and write a ‘to do list’. The next day before repeating the process review your to-do list. Sounds really simple, but it’s a real procrastination buster. 

10. Practice a new kind of handwriting like cursive or calligraphy Practice from a cursive chart found online, until you reach typing-like speeds, then integrate as many of the techniques and forms as you can into your printed handwriting. You don’t need to know cursive these days, but you’re not learning cursive (well, you are, obviously, but it’s not the end goal), you’re learning how to write quickly and fluidly, where and how to place extra lines for aesthetic reasons when needed, and where to start and end your strokes. If you’re tired of your handwriting looking like a 6 year old’s, which it has ever since you learned a combination of imitating Times New Roman and scrawling down your best impression of what your 1st grade teacher showed you, learn cursive. You may never use cursive again, but your printed handwriting will become Christmas card worthy, and 2-3x as fast. 

11. Learn three words in a new language every day For me that would be learn 3 words in Spanish everyday. Started this a month ago and I am getting better! :) 

12. Get into the habit of writing in a journal daily It is cliche but it works. I used to do it, but when I felt like my life was on track I just stopped. It led to me falling into a lot of bad habits and being able to convince myself I was fine. Drinking, smoking, video games — I fell into a mindless state that led to serious dissociation and memory issues. But keeping a journal has a way of keeping you honest with yourself. You aren’t writing for anyone else. You aren’t trying to present your best self. You can just work through your thoughts honestly and openly. You can reflect in a way that you otherwise wouldn’t. You can just let it all out without worrying what that exposure and vulnerability will mean. It really helps. I’d recommend this to everyone, especially people with anxiety. 

13. Run for as long as you can…and then run again the next day, and the next Running. Get a good pair of running shoes and take off! You would be surprised how easy it is to run a 5k after a few weeks. 

14. Make your bed every morning before you leave the house It’s the best thing to come home to. It almost feels like someone else made my bed, like I have a servant — except the servant was a very sleepy me that doesn’t remember making their bed. It looks nice, makes me happy, and I feel good. 

15. Add new and healthy foods to your diet rather than focusing on removing other food groups Instead of taking away something from your diet, add something healthy each month. In January, add an apple a day. In February, add a handful of plain almonds each day. In March, add one extra glass of water, and so on. You won’t feel deprived, and you will increase your healthy habits painlessly. 

16. And try meditating, starting with just five minutes a day Meditate 5 mins a day. Then work yourself up to 20 min a day. It is the biggest change I have made in my life. It is incredible how crazy and out of control our minds are. And as the old saying goes,”If you don’t have 20 minute to sit, you should sit for an hour.”