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#like i planned to get my sisters cool presents for Christmas but my brain wont let me
opens-up-4-nobody
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3 years
Text
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#money is weird
#i feel like most ppl make money to live functional lives and then have/do nice things with the extra
#but i feel like i orient my life around school and learning and it just so happens that i get paid to do that
#so i pay for my functional life but the doing/having nice things is inconceivable
#like i dont kno how to do that. i open up my band account and it makes me feel sick
#which is bizarre bc i grew up comfortable middle class
#never had to worry abt money but i spend like im on my last dollar and its super stressful
#like i planned to get my sisters cool presents for Christmas but my brain wont let me
#which makes me feel horrible bc it makes it seem like i dont care and i know they're gonna tear me apart for it when i go back home
#and its like im sorry. i dont kno why im like this or why this happens but i wish it didn't
#and like everytime i talk abt it ppl r like: oh wow good on u for being good with ur money
#and its like: u dont understand. im trapped in a box and i cant buy things
#ive needed disinfectant whipes for literal months to clean my counters and i finally finally managed to make that happen
#it fucking sucks and its upsetting
#but sure yeah im good with money. fine lets never talk abt this again
#so frustrating. i want to buy a new bathing suit so i dont have to wear a tank top when i go home but looks like thats not gonna happen
#either. but thats partially bc my brain wont let me drive either so whatever
#sigh... i just hear my sisters voice in my head: y r u so weird???
#ugh fuck off my stupid brain is so restrictive its impossible to function properly
#lol im spiraling bc when i go home im transitioning to my other sisters old phone bc she's getting a new one
#and she bought a $23 phone case on my behalf bc it was on sale
#i just dont like change and im terrified of having nice things ans spending money
#unrelated
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