#like i'm good at it i enjoy it it's just THE most unhealthy job i could think about

[luveline]

Girl pls pls write stripper reader and Spencer where she thinks he would never date her bc she’s a stripper and just a sprinkle of angst with lots of comforting fluff and Spencer reassuring

thank u for requesting! ♡ fem, 1.5k

cw mentioned past domestic/workplace abuse, unhealthy eating habits

Someone broke into my apartment. 9:14AM

Spencer reads the message under the table but forgoes discretion when he registers what it says and who it's from. He excuses himself from the round table, something he isn't even sure he's allowed to do, and hurries out onto the landing. 

You answer on the second dial. "Hey, did you see my text?" you ask. 

"Are you okay?" He squeezes his phone. 

"I'm not sure. I'm fine, but my lock is busted and the door won't stay shut." 

"Where are you?" 

If you're surprised that he's steamrolling, you don't show it. Spencer leaves work to meet you at the coffee shop you've chosen for refuge, your eyes tired, a small bag of your most important possessions hanging on a slumped shoulder. He hugs you straight away. 

"I'm fine," you say into his neck. 

He hugs you tighter. "That's good," he says, feeling useless, fingers stroking little paths into your shoulders. He pictured the worst from your text, and seeing you in person is the only true mitigator. You'll talk down bruises and black eyes —you have in the past. 

He pulls the story from you as you walk back to his apartment, shoulder to shoulder in the cold street. "It was open when I got home, the door, but I did what you asked me to." 

"You didn't go in?" he confirms proudly. 

"Not at first." 

"You really won't call the police?" 

"I texted you." 

Spencer takes the strap of your bag from you and throws it over his own. "I'm not that kind of cop. I'm not really a cop at all." 

"No, you're a fed, which is worse. The girls at work told me to stay away from you." You wipe under your eyes sluggishly. Sleep clings to you like a shadow trailing behind you, ever-present. 

He puts his hand behind your back, worried you'll fall up the steps to his apartment building. "They think I'll what, extort you?" 

You shake your head, something sad in the slow side to side. "Girls like me have no business around guys like you." 

"You probably get too much business from guys like me." 

You laugh, but you both know it's not what you meant. Spencers noticed it more and more lately, nothing so obvious until now, this dead set belief you hold that he's one type of person and you're another. He gets that your work isn't what you wanted for yourself when you were growing up. He knows it isn't easy, even on your 'good' nights. It takes a toll to be seen as you are, nothing left private. But you've always said you liked stripping as much as anyone should like their job. "It's a job," you'd said, having barely known him, tired and hungry, curled up on his couch with nowhere else to go. "Only the luckiest get to really enjoy work. S'why it's called work." 

He'd hoped, perhaps in a self-absorbed way, that  having more support might make you feel better about yourself; he wanted his friendship to give you some confidence, basically. Before you met Spencer there was no one else you could depend on. It's why you stayed working for a man who broke your wrist until Spencer weaselled his way into your life and made you a bed in his living room for the time it took to get you out. His credentials helped, of course, but you survived it because you're resilient. You're awesome. You've done everything you can with what you have and you don't think it's enough. 

You and Spencer take the elevator to his floor, and for the twenty seconds it takes to get there, you let your cheek rest on his shoulder. He's just about to drop his head on top of yours when the doors open, and the slice of quiet you'd both savoured slips like sand between his fingers. 

"I can go back and get some of your stuff," he offers, guiding you the short walk to his door. He passes you the key rather than struggle with the lock himself. 

Your hand shakes as you push down the handle. "There's nothing worth going back for." 

"Don't say that, you have all your clothes there, your couch. You have things. I'll take my car." 

"You hate driving." 

"I'd hate someone robbing you even more." 

"Robbing me again," you correct, holding the door for him. 

You didn't have anything worth the trouble, it seems. You keep your savings in a locked box hidden in the bathroom that they couldn't find, and though your apartment is clean and bigger than the one you lived in before Spencer met you, it's mostly empty. You don't have a TV, you're not a collector. They took the radio off of the refrigerator, your microwave oven, and a box of cosmetic jewellery worth chapel change. 

"But it's your stuff. You deserve to have stuff." Spencer drops your bag gently and his with less care by the door. 

"It's only until the locksmith can come tomorrow," you say with a yawn. "Let the junkies lavish in my stuff for the next twenty hours." 

"That's not a problem for you?" 

"I don't have the luxury of that being a problem for me, Spence. What am I supposed to do? The locksmith can't come–" 

"There are a hundred locksmiths." 

"Not that I can afford." You shrug out of your jacket. "Spence, listen to me. It's okay. I can't ask you to do that, anyways. You've done more than enough for me already," you say, sitting on the couch. You perch for a moment like you're trying to be polite until fatigue overtakes you, and you sink into the cushions with a relieved sigh. 

Spencer crosses the space between you and kneels by your feet to untie your shoelaces. 

"Don't do that," you mumble, hand over your mouth as a second yawn in as many minutes catches you. 

"Why not?" He slips your shoes off, letting his hand rest on your ankle. "Wanna watch that weird cooking show–" 

"Why aren't you at work?" 

He climbs onto the couch next to you, unafraid to sit shoulder to shoulder. "You were having an emergency." 

You rub your face with both hand. "I knew I shouldn't have called you. You can't just leave work because of me, Spencer, what if you get in trouble?" 

"Someone I care about needed my help, and Hotch understands that." Spencer puts on his big boy pants with a wince. "Do you get that?" 

"I don't really… I don't…" You falter. "We're never going to work. You'll never…" 

"I'll never what?" he asks insistently, voice lilting up with a little incredulity. He can't help it.

You refuse to answer, turning your face from his. 

Spencer knows what you're going to say. He's bad with girls but he's good at recognising human emotion; he sees the same insecurity in himself as he does in you. He knows the feeling. 

You're not right, is the thing. 

Spencer would kiss you if he thought that would change your mind. But tired as you are, angry with yourself, defeated, he knows it's not a good idea. He takes your hand instead, sewing your fingers together with a deliberate slowness. He brings his other hand to them and strokes the back of your index finger with his thumb, careful not to disrupt your press on nails. He knows they have a tendency to come off with too much pressure, and you're always losing your glue. 

"If they really need me to go, they'll call me. But I'm staying here." His thumb moves down to your knuckle. You have little calluses and cuts and bruises everywhere from dancing. He's seen the contusions that line your thighs on a semi permanent basis. "When was the last time you had something to eat?"

"Spencer," you murmur. 

"Let me take care of you, please," he says, hand curling around your wrist with extreme gentleness. "You need to eat. You need to sleep. Let me worry about everything else for once, I want to." 

You still don't look at him, but you sink down an inch at a time until your cheek is on his shoulder again, like it had been in the elevator. Hesitant, you wrap your arm around his stomach. 

"I'm so stupid," you say. 

He wonders if that's a placeholder for what you really want to say. You think so little of yourself sometimes, but it's like you've told him before. Not everyone has the luxury of enjoying their job. 

"You're amazing." Spencer feels like he's on fire everywhere that your skin touches him. Is he saying the right things? "You are. You're the only person who doesn't see that." 

"The only person here, maybe." 

"You should always be here, then. With me. That way I can remind you." 

You sound more like yourself when you answer, though tiredness lines every word, "Thank you, Spencer. I don't deserve you." 

"Yes, you do."

Spencer rubs your hand until you fall asleep, and then he buys you a new toaster oven on his phone, and an industrial security lock. He doesn't know what it'll take to convince you that you deserve him, you deserve better, but he's gonna try. 

He presses his cheek to your temple and focuses on the softness of your skin where it touches his.  

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds x reader

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. There are two reasons for this. One is that I'm very homesick. The other is that I found - and subsequently lost - my twin. But I only want to talk about the first reason right now - I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I kept my last promise to you - there are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that

[mynameisnotsoda]

NOW INTRODUCING.... THE CRITTERS !!!

Technically Corvid is still a part of an au, i really like everyone's designs so i guess its just like a weird little au that are also kinda ocs?? Idk. Im still tagging it as the animatronicfication au and using the other ccs names but im completely separating wilbur from Corvid.

The one that probably changed the most is simp LMAO i just went back to his old design that was inspired by Luna (@starrixle's transfem simpbur turned oc) and Spencer is such a fitting name in my mind i literally can not imagine him with a different name *bwomp*

Also I'm working on refs for the other characters associated with the respective critters! I wanna finish them all and dump them into one post and I'll link it here when I'm done.

ANYWAY INFODUMP TIME

Before we go into individual characters i want to say that this is absolutely Minecraft. Like. The world is built off of Minecraft lore yk !!!! The overworld will still be called the overworld but it's basically just earth, with more magic and humanoid species! Along with supernatural creatures and cryptids n stuff :D also with more advanced tech considering Corvid exists pFF

Spencer for the most part kinda was like he is in canon or whatever. She used to lean more towards incel ideology because she was REALLY insecure and uncomfortable with herself for the longest time. Despite that, Spencer and Adrianne (egirl) started dating when they were 17, his unhealthy obsession with her was only fueled by her unhealthy attachment to him. They needed each other and it wasn't good for either of them. Spencer had developed horrible separation anxiety which only made things worse. Over time Adrianne became suffocated by his constant neediness, overwhelming insecurity, short temper and lack of contribution to household chores. It pained her to leave, but things needed to change. It wasn't until the breakup that Spencer met Shepard, who was his first irl friend in a long time. They met when they were around 22/23, at first Spencer just used Shepard as a distraction from Adrianne, especially since he was surprised that they wanted to even be his friend in the first place. But after a while he genuinely started to enjoy their company, plus they offered him really good advice and helped him through a gender/sexuality crisis. Eventually they became partners! Maybe not romantically, as they're both aromantic, but life partners nonetheless.

OH and i did make Spencer white/Salvadoran. Her mom is the first generation from immigrant parents while her dad is British; And her dad's younger brother is Adam's dad! He's also an ex-christian, he left due to religious trauma and moved to America to escape his family hA

Spencer's also a no sabo kid LMAO (he knows some words/phrases but other than that he cant speak Spanish to save his life)

ALSO ALSO. Oh my god i could talk about Spence all day LMAO but i made him a werewolf !!!! Hes SOO jealous of Adam because she wanted the cat genes but instead got bitten and turned into a werewolf as a teenager. She's done a pretty good job at hiding it from her family so Shepard's the only one who knows.

I already dumped everything about Adam into that other post, so I don't really have much else to add. HOWEVER !! Him and Spence are cousins now :3 Adam doesn't get to meet Spencer in person until he moves to America with Charlie & co, but he does follow her socials with his secret accounts that his parents don't know about. The only reason they know they're cousins is because Spencer's dad told her so and she reached out! Much to the dismay of Adam's parents but they've secretly kept in touch online.

Keith's pretty much stayed the same apart from a slight design revamp. Although I've made him a little older since originally i made him look young. But then I decided hes a dad so i started drawing him older for the asks pFF he also has a hooked nose now! In case it's not obvious. Keith got married to Jean VERY young, they were maybe 17/18 in human years. It was an arranged marriage and their only goal was to have an heir to the throne. Well they did, they had two kids, the eldest being a boy named Lune and the youngest being a girl named Sunny, who's the would be heir. Until Jean took both the kids and left. It was completely unprompted and left everyone in the kingdom confused, especially Keith. Sure, they had a loveless marriage and maybe he was insufferable at times, but he wanted to make it work if not for the kids then for the kingdom! But its been almost a year since she left, he's lost hope in ever finding her. Keith desperately wants his kids back, not because Sunny is the rightful heir— though that is part of it—but he loves them both dearly. He misses them the most.

Wilfred has pretty much stayed the same as well! I did give him a grey tshirt and darker hair to further distance his design from wilbur though. Hes just as unhinged and immoral as he used to be !!!! Nothing has changed aside from appearance actually.

Tobi also pretty much stayed the same except for its now got an orange jumper and lighter brown hair pFF although i do now have a story for him! Tobi was found by Alejandro in a storage auction, he managed to sell a lot of pretty valuable things from there but Tobi stood out, obviously, so he kept it. Alejandro is a travel vlogger and lives in an RV with his friends: Tomas, Philip and Charles. His friends just call him Alex. Anyway, they go from town to town trying local food, visiting tourists traps and vlogging the journey! While doing that they also try to find out how to get Tobi's memories back and possibly turn him human again, if they even can. So far they haven't had much luck but maybe one day...

Corvid was created as the backup singer and lead guitarist of the first all animatronic band! Brought to you by Beloved Entertainment! The other members include lead singer Ranboo Beloved, keytarist Tommy Raccoon, and bassist James Tomcat. Located in Ranboo's Mega Pizzaplex, the only location in the world (so far). Corvid adopts a showman personality while on stage, hes charismatic and such a heartthrob, very popular with the ladies. Off stage he's very calm and soft spoken, he's rather shy but still manages to be a flirt and a tease. Lightly poking fun at his bandmates, coworkers and even guests at times. He's definitely a fan favorite for a reason!

This was so fun to write and i cant wait to share more !!!! Stay tuned !!!!!!

#simpbur #studentbur #keith the dragon #dr malpractice #tinybur #animatronicfication au #sodas critters

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i've know im a lesbian since I was 12, but because of my problems with socializing i've never actually had ANY romantic interactions(my lesbianism making things even harder, as you can imagine)

i'm almost out of high school and going to college, so i'm feeling very down about missing out on teen romance but dont want the same thing to happen again. do you have any tips on what i can do to avoid this problem in the future? i am genuinely clueless on what to do when looking for a partner, really

even if you dont actually have any advice to give i still really love your blog, it reminds me that lesbians can actually grow old and live happy lives💖💖thank you for hearing me out and i apologize for any grammar mistake!!

This is pretty easy because, while it was pretty outgoing and friendly, it was often not as my full self. I kept my horse girl, lesbian, butch and weird music and hobby side of myself under wraps from most of my friends. I had no word for lesbian or butch but my high school best friend knew I probably liked girls, we just never discussed it and it didn't bother her. It might have been harder on our friendship had I tried to come out in the 80's, not because it bothered her but the insinuations of all the others about our relationship would have been A LOT for a high schooler.

I waited until after college graduation and I used to sometimes look back and wonder how many times I missed out kissing a girl in high school or other women in college. How had twinges of regret for not having sex or even attempting intimacy with women.( I mostly avoided boys too because ew)

As I was sitting in a miserable passionless marriage to my wife of 17years, I pined for that passion and tingle that i had with my first girlfriend from ages 23 to 30. How many times did I miss that feeling with girls in my high school or college or at summer jobs because I was unsure of myself and not confident that any woman would find me attractive. I was even unsure if loving a woman was something I could do. Was it a real thing?

Looking back now I realize I just was not ready and most of my young friends in high school were not ready for me to be out and opening attracted to the same sex. I had fun in high school, made friends and had a small group of girls I was very close to. I enjoyed those friendships perhaps because I did not come out and cause those bonds to be strained.

In college I was concerned how my parents would react and I was in no way independent from their financial and emotional support. My friends were all around me experimenting with their sexuality and I was watching from outside, really wanting what they had but not willing to give up my security and college education to be open about being a lesbian. I knew I could just "do it and hide it" but I was not built for the stealthy life. I know if i was loving loving women it would be hard to be quiet.

Here is the point I am getting at with the sharing of all these experiences. If you were not ready to act on dating and attempting to date it is probably good that you listened to yourself. We are not on a time line and many young people feel pressured to date when their confidence, sexual maturity and social skills are not ready yet which can lead them to be vulnerable to abusive, controlling or unhealthy relationships. It is hard to listen to your own intuition and set and keep boundaries when you are trying to date just to not be the only one not dating.

What you more likely missed out on was not the thrill of dating but the hassle of pretending you want to date when it didn't feel right, at all.

You are heading to college. You are now becoming interested in the excitement of dating on your own and not because others think you need to date. You are craving the touch, the tingly feeling and the companionship of women. These are all good signs you are ready to date.

My advice:

1.Be honest with yourself and then her (your date) every time. Do not go on date number two if it does not feel right. If you are unsure go on another date but continue to listen to yourself.

2.You deserve passion and mutual excitement to be in the company of a woman. If one of you do not feel it, move on.

3.Do not stick to a relationship because it is "ok" or she is "nice" . You have the right to sexual, emotional and intellectual stimulation. Look for it and don't settle.

4.There will be other women so don't cling to the first one or the one willing to stick around just because she is there. If you don't feel all the afore mentioned excitement, be honest with yourself and her and move on.

5. Dating a woman with whom you share many wonderful moments and lots of joy does not mean you will be together forever or have that expectation. Short term love is a thing and neither of you are failures when that fades out.

6. Ask her. If you see a woman that interests you be clear that you would like to take her on a date and you have romantic interests. Don't be vague or try to use hints. This leads to miscommunications and false expectation every time.

7. Finally, use all the dating and flirting and breakups and heartbreaks and joy and fun and memories to form who and what you are looking for as a partner. All that experience is giving you a better idea on what makes you truly happy.

You missed out on nothing. The adventure is just beginning and it can start with a simple "Hi, I think you are cute. Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" She might say "no", but she MIGHT say "yes".

#lesbian #dating #college #fomo

[tarotenvelhecida]

pick a card– your next (platonic or romantic) love

"It's pouring, the trees are getting greener before my eyes, I love you. I'm almost afraid of the intensity of this happiness." — Vladmir Nabokov, Letters to Véra.

Whether a friend, a lover, a companion – platonic or romantic – who is going to love you next? who are you loving next?

1. THE FIRST.

A young woman or a girl, maybe younger than you - or at least seems to be.  This is definitely a platonic relationship, something that has been going on for a few lifetimes already. Quiet, almost melancholic. Tired all the time. Water sign; Cancer or Scorpio. “Weird little girl” vibes, but has the mentality of a 90-year-old grandmother. Likes reading or is just generally smart, almost crossing the line to “a little bit cunning”. The type of friend that doesn’t like going out of the house; a good listener, loyal to a fault. You two will end up very close friends. Probably the youngest of the friend group, someone who everyone is extremely protective of. Introvert. Sensitive, intuitive. Been through a lot.

If you’re pregnant, planning to be or considering adopting, this might even reference a future child. For people who have no interest in having children themselves, there’s a possibility of this being about a future sister, a niece, someone from your family or related to someone you consider family. 

Words associated with both this pile and this person are — Melancholy. Knowledge. Guidance. Magic. Fate. Water. Beach. Rain, summer thunderstorms. Butterfly. Lamb. The moon. 

2. THE SECOND.

A man around your age, maybe just a few years older than you. Trustworthy, calm. The lighthouse in the middle of a sea storm, a beacon of cold light. Earth or fire sign. For most of you, this is going to be a fraternal relationship - to others it will end up romantic. Might also be a relevant past life connection.

He might be a teacher, a lawyer, a writer. Has high standards, prides himself on working hard. Honest, but compassionate. Might appear aloof or distant sometimes - a little bit boring. Has the tendency to bury himself on his job or hobbies. Likes to be alone; an introvert, with a tendency for isolation. He resembles a pine tree, standing tall, watching the world both grow and die around him. 

Words associated with both this pile and this person — Glasses. Magnifying glass. Winter. Fireplace. Smoke. The coldness of burning. Ink. 

3. THE THIRD.

A woman - a butterfly, the type that lives just one day; but lives either way. You two might have a platonic or romantic relationship, depending on who you are. She’s an ambivert, with strong Leo and Capricorn vibes. She feels like a comfortable Café, like the throes of a warm affection, fondness, dripping gold. 

Fiercely loyal to all of her friends, capable of being almost apologetic. Probably has some unhealthy tendencies regarding relationships and understanding boundaries, though is not inherently malicious. Likes meeting new people and hanging out in calm, family-like places. 

Might be an artist, a painter, someone that enjoys doing things with her hands. Other people may see her as lazy, but, really, she just enjoys life and enjoys doing nothing but that. I have the image of a cat basking on the sun coming from the kitchen window. And The Caterpillar, from Alice in Wonderland. A true wild heart.

Words associated with both this pile and this person — Gold. Summer. Warmhearted. Lion. Laughter. Sand. Garden. Hands. Secrets. Breeze. Fondness.

#pac #pick a card #pick a card reading #pick a card readings #tarot reading #tarot #tarot reader #cartomancy #divination #witchblr #witchcraft #witch #tarotblr #tarotdaily #intuitive #tarot community #tarot cards #pick a deck #tarotonline

[ithaquakisser]

Salvatore

Synopsis; You and Ithaqua have come to an agreement. In turn, you are to be the cure to his everlasting solitude.

CW; Explicit themes, obsession, unhealthy relationship, degradation, vague religious imagery

MINORS DNI. (18+)

WC; ≈2.4K

Note; I've been meaning to experiment with a completely different take on Ithaqua, so I decided to mess around with my take on Morningstar. I have not written NSFW in eons, so spare me! Most of this was written at like... 3AM with no proper proofreading whatsoever. So, in another words—not my proudest work yet! This piece also doesn't quite have a plot either, I just wrote whatever came to mind. Enjoy! 🙈 (I'm so embarrassed.)

You were the sun, his sun. The sun who orbits around the Earth, breathing life into those around you. You brought about warmth with your light. If he could, he would bask in your presence from dusk till dawn. You had never seen the moon, or its stars, nor the night. Yet you heard its voice once or twice through the roaring winds.

He yearned to preserve your light. Claim it as his own. How he longed to maintain it for his own wants. Your beaming smile, your eyes that glistened like the stars, your soft h/c locks that waltzed with the wind. Without you, the moon could not shine without your light. Without you, could he ever beam again?

Faint rays of moonlight illuminated the dim candlelit room. You rested upon a king-sized bed, the cool breeze brushing against your naked body. Your hands lie above your head, cold slender hands interlaced with yours. He traced constellations onto your bare skin. His hips straddled on top of yours, his cloak discarded onto the marble floor. Ithaqua drew the stars upon your waist, soft lips brushing against your neck. He was desperate, his actions expressed his longing for your touch.

Words were unspoken between the two of you, a contract unknown. Shall you be spared under all circumstances, and in turn, you become the cure to his eternal solitude. Godlike he was, each touch was a blessing. You were a mere sinner under his presence, and here you lie before him, confessing your sins. Letting all your secrets spill from each breath you take, he is who shall listen. He is who shall cleanse you of your sins. He who is your salvatore.

His warm tongue ran along your neck, sending shivers down your spine. He grazed his teeth upon your soft skin, his hot breath was enough to make you melt under his touch. “Relax, dear.” Ithaqua cooed, trailing his hand down to your pelvis. You couldn’t help but buck your hips up in anticipation, letting out a sharp exhale. “Needy are you, love?”

He pulled away from your neck and pressed his lips against yours, emitting a low moan as a hand began to rub your thigh gently. He mercilessly bit your lip, causing you to yelp in surprise. The hunter smiled into the kiss as he forced his way through your mouth. He softly stroked your plush thighs, occasionally squeezing them. His tongue explored your wet cavern whilst you held onto his hand, his free hand outlining the stars on your inner thigh. You whined, your hips squirming beneath him in desperation.

The young male pulled away, a thin trail of saliva connecting the two of you. “Is there something wrong, love?” Ithaqua whispered. “Don’t you tease me any longer…” You protested, Ithaqua couldn’t help but let out a chuckle in response. “Patience, Y/N.” He sighed and placed a hand on your bare chest, pressing you down against the mattress. His golden necklace dangling from his chest, hovering over you as his eyes fixed on yours.

“You think I’d willingly satisfy you without earning it? Don’t make me laugh, love.” Ithaqua rebuked. “How’s this? Please me first. If you do a good job, I’ll fuck you to your heart’s content. Sounds good?” He spoke, his lips curling into a smirk. You nodded your head eagerly. With a complacent expression, the two of you proceeded to switch positions. He laid back onto the array of pillows by the bedframe, his legs spread wide open. “Well? What’re you waiting for? You know what to do.”

“Talk about patience…” You muttered under your breath. “What’s that, darling?” Instigated the hunter as he leisurely removed his mask, his ebony-colored eyes meeting yours. “Nothing, dear…” You uttered as you lowered your gaze from his. With a scowl, he grabbed hold of your face, forcing you to look at him. “Don’t you forget who is in control here. I can delightfully revoke my conditions anytime. I wouldn’t be opposed to watching you squirm in desperation in hopes I’d touch you while I pleasure myself. Now, obey my orders won’t you?”

You swallowed before speaking breathily. “Yes, sir…” With a satisfied smile, he let you go. Without another word; you loosened his garters and unbuttoned his pants. He emitted a sigh of relief once his cock was freed from the confines of his pants, twitching upon release as droplets of precum dripped down the shaft. You spat onto your palm before taking him into your hands, beginning to pump him up and down.

The hunter threw his head back with a breathy moan as you stroked his dick, occasionally rubbing your thumb against his tip and causing him to twitch in response. You picked up the pace over time, observing his facial expressions as his chest heaved. You observed how desperately he attempted to restrain his moans behind the heavy breaths taken. His eyes were half-lidded as he huffed, his lips slightly parted as his face was tinted with a scarlet hue.

Ithaqua has never felt this way before. Such pleasure, such desire, a fire ignited within him the moment you laid your hands on him. He gazed upon your naked body as you eagerly stroked his cock with such a lustful expression on your face. You observed how his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, how his hands clasped the bedsheets and the way his thighs threatened to clamp shut on you as they trembled under your touch. You brought your lips close and ran your tongue alongside his shaft, causing him to shudder in response.

Ithaqua took hold of your h/c locks into his trembling hands as you took him into your warm mouth. You swirled your tongue upon his tip, tasting the bitterness in his precum as he twitched inside your mouth. You were relatively slow with your pace, causing the hunter to buck his hips up out of impatience. Caught off-guard, you gagged for a brief moment. “Don’t be a tease,” Ithaqua spoke, tightening his grip on your hair.

He began to thrust into your mouth slowly as he held onto you. You were taken aback by his sudden movements, groaning onto his cock as he screwed your mouth. You gripped his thighs, lightly squeezing them as tears formed at the corners of your eyes. “Hah… You’re taking me so well, dear…” Ithaqua cooed. His light eyes fixed on your every expression as he thrusts into you, his dick brutally assaulting the back of your throat.

“I’m close…” He whispered between breaths, his thrusts becoming sloppier by the second. Within moments, he reached his high and released his hot seed into your mouth. He threw his head back with a rather loud moan, his eyes practically rolling to the back of his skull as you proceeded to pull away. Cum dripping from the corners of your mouth, the young man raised his head and tenderly wiped the droplets dripping down your chin with the pad of his thumb.

“Swallow all of it,” Ithaqua demanded, pressing his thumb against your lower lip. Reluctantly, you swallowed the bitter liquid and licked away the excess from his thumb. “You did so well for me, love…” He purred as he gently wiped away the tears forming at the corners of your eyes.

Half-lidded almond eyes met yours, his lips curling into a cheeky grin as he palmed your chest. With a quick and sudden push, he pinned you down against the cushioned mattress like a predator catching its prey. You had let out a squeak upon impact whilst he hovered over you, a slender finger placed over your lips as he hushed you. You swallowed anxiously, a hand running down your bare waist as he carefully observed your expressions.

Oh, how he adored your expressions. The lovely face you’d make whenever he’d caress your bare skin. He adored your smile, and how the corners of your eyes wrinkled out of pure joy. He especially admired the look on your face when you’d beg on your knees for mercy as he readied his axe to strike. The way your e/c eyes widened in apprehension never ceased to send shivers down his spine and make him weak in the knees.

Loose strands of his silver hair tickled your ruby-tinted cheeks as he planted his lips against yours, prodding his tongue past your lips into your mouth. You elicited a moan as his tongue danced with yours, his icy hands trailing down your body. They traced miscellaneous symbols as he ravaged your mouth. His fingertips stopped at your sex, lightly brushing against it and causing you to shudder.

He pulled away from the kiss, his light-colored eyes meeting yours. “May I?” “Yes… Please.” Without another word, he inserted his fingers delicately into your heat. He was rather careful with his touch, being mindful of his sharp nails as he slowly rubbed your sensitive spot. You had let out a breathy moan, watching as he moved his fingers in and out of you with such precision.

Ithaqua was quite deft with his fingers, moving them at a steady pace whilst stroking your soft spot. You observed him, unnoticeably moving your hips as he stroked. “My, eager, aren’t you?” Ithaqua remarked. “Don’t be such a tease…” He could only chuckle in response, his eyes fixed on your sex as he pumped his fingers into your core.

Your breathing became labored as he continued to assault your sweet spot, uttering words of praise in between moans. You breathily spoke his name like an incantation, your hands clutching the bed sheets in ecstasy. “Look at you… You’re such a mess already…” He teased, witnessing your face flush a shade of crimson.

With a smirk, he curled his fingers and ruthlessly began to pump them inside of you at a brisk pace. You tensed around his fingers, becoming a moaning mess beneath him. Huffing and puffing upon his touch, you called out his name like a broken record. You gazed upon him with tears forming at the corners of your eyes. “Ithaqua… I’m…”

“Hold it,” Ithaqua demanded. “You can do that, can you not?” “Ithaqua… I… Please…” “Please what?” “Please… Let me come…” You pleaded, his eyes fixed on yours as he continued to strike at your sensitive spot. “Please, Ithaqua… just let me…” You bucked your hips forward, a complete mess you were.

You harshly bit down on your lower lip as your back arched slightly. The hunter purposely slowed his pace, occasionally coming to a halt with a sadistic grin on his face. You had let out a groan of desperation, hot tears streaming down your flushed face. With his opposite hand, he shoved his thumb into your mouth, his thumb lightly brushing against your warm tongue as you panted. You looked at him with half-lidded eyes as your chest began to heave, moaning into his hand as he ravaged your insides.

The young man had a grin on his face as you began to tremble beneath him, your walls tensing around his fingers. “Mmh…” You whimpered, as you began to feel a tight coil building up in your stomach. Your thighs trembling as you closed your eyes as you thrust your hips into his fingers, arching your back as the coil grew tighter with each passing moment. Ithaqua leaned forward, his hot breath against your ear as he whispered. “You’re doing so well… Just a bit longer, dear.”

You whined, your breathing became labored as you neared your high. You felt the coil threaten to burst with each stroke, your toes curling as droplets of tears rolled down your scarlet cheeks. You dug your nails into the mattress as you mewled. You let out a muffled gasp as you tensed once more, an overwhelming wave of pleasure washing over you as you arched your back. You could’ve sworn you had seen the stars as you moaned uncontrollably into his hand which muffled your sounds, your hot liquid spilling onto his fingers.

Hot tears spilled down your scarlet-tinted cheeks as you exhaled, your body quivering beneath him. With a sigh, he pulled his hands away from you. Examining your warm essence on his fingers as he spoke. “How disappointing… You did not last even a minute.” Running his tongue over his slender fingers, tasting the past minutes of your involvement. “Open.”

You opened your mouth agape, the young man leaning in and shoving his tongue past your lips. He explored your mouth once more, the bittersweet taste of your essence against your tongue. You closed your eyes, placing a hand on his warm cheek whilst his tongue ventured alongside yours. His hands were all over your bare skin, palming in circular motions. He invaded your mouth until he was done with you, saliva connecting both your moist lips.

“You taste terrible…” Ithaqua spoke, venom laced within his words. He knew he was speaking falsehoods, yet he could not bring himself to speak with sincerity. You could only mutter a pitiful apology under your breath as tears poured from your e/c eyes, he had a piercing gaze that made your heart skip a beat. “Spare the crocodile tears, love. We have no need for them. After all, you’ve got what you wanted. Did you not?”

The hunter rose from the bed, readjusting himself into his clothes. He retrieved his cloak from the marble floor, a miffed expression on his pale face. “Yes, but I…” “What is it?” You sighed, lowering your gaze. You couldn’t dare speak another word. The young man fetched your clothes which were scattered along the bedroom floor, tossing them by your side. “Get dressed. There’s a match at dusk. I cannot risk being reprimanded once again by the baron.”

“You’ll… stick to your word, correct?” You inquired, raising the bedsheets to your chest to sheathe your naked body. “Why would I not?” Said the hunter as he picked up his mask. Seemingly fixated on the broken mirror in front of him, he had a noticeable scowl on his face upon seeing his reflection. “A deal’s a deal, is it not? Don’t you fret, I’ll spare you and your friends the trouble. However…” Ithaqua turned on his heels to face you as he placed on his mask. “Do not expect me to be merciful this time around, understood?”

…

"Understood.”

#identity v #idv ithaqua #ithaqua #identity 5 #idv night watch #identity v night watch #identityv ithaqua #idv fanfic #identityv night watch #night watch #idv ithaqua x reader #identityv ithaqua x reader #ithaqua x reader #self insert #idv x reader #idv x you #reader insert #identityv x reader #reader is gender neutral #gender neutral insert #gender neutral reader #gender neutral fanfic #smut #idv smut #morningstar #idv morningstar #reader says please like 5 times in total #identityv #ithaqua is a bitch in this one SORRY #no beta we die like ithaqua's brother

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

I love yelan and shinobu im a simp already. I’ll ask for how they are when they have a crush on reader and how they would confess.

How they confess to you

characters: Yelan / Kuki Shinobu x gn!reader (seperate)

warnings: none, just fluff

a/n: There aren't too many things known about Shinobu's personality yet, so I'm sure once she actually releases we will be able to look back to this fic and say "kinda ooc, ngl", but until then I'll have to use my gut feeling.

This is, of course, my first time writing for either of these two characters, so I'm sorry if I'm making a few mistakes when it comes to their personalities, but I think it should be fine

Also, this is kinda long, at least for my standarts

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Yelan

Yelan knew about you long before you had even met her, she had to make sure that the new hire at the Liyue Qixing didn’t have any ill intentions after all, but once the two of you finally met, you instantly got along with each other, her relaxed and easy going attitude a welcome change from the stress inducing one’s your bosses seemed to have around them all the time. While your friendly and open attitude, that made even strangers reveal small secrets to you from time to time, being too busy enjoying their drinks to care, coupled with your willingness to tell Yelan about them if asked, made hanging out with you both a nice way to procrastinate while getting enough information to technically be considered part of her job.

Even after the two of you had become, what you would consider, good friends, there were still a lot of things you knew she wouldn’t tell you about, most of them about her job. You had asked once about why exactly she needed information about a citizen of Liyue, assuming of course that her job required her to do so, she made it very clear that, since it was part of her job, she wouldn’t tell you. You completely understood, never asking about such things again, while simply enjoying spending time with her. But there were things you knew about her that most others, who even knew about the existence of a woman called “Yelan”, wouldn’t even dream about knowing.

You had finally managed to get a few days off, deciding that it would be a great opportunity to visit Yelan, and while her house laid well outside of the city, you eventually arrived in front of her door, knocking on it, only to have to wait much longer than you expected before it finally opened, revealing your friend giving you her usual smile.

“Well, what a surprising visit you decided to pay me”, she greeted you, the thought of how you had managed to surprise the usually so informed Yelan, making you smile, only for you to remember what an unhealthy sleep schedule she seemed to have whenever she didn’t necessarily have work to do.

“Did I awaken you from your sleep?”, you asked teasingly, only for her to shoot back immediately in a similar playful matter.

“That’s confidential, I could tell you, but sadly wouldn’t be allowed to keep you alive afterwards”, after shooting you another smile, she finally let you inside, and it wasn’t long before the two of you started playing a game of dice against each other. “I could use this chance to win a few Mora from you, but how about we spice it up a bit? The winner gets to ask the looser anything”, she offered, causing you to give her a look of suspicion. When she said “anything”, did she truly mean it? Probably not really, since you doubted that she would tell you anything about her work even if you won, not that you wanted to know anyway. But you decided not to voice your doubts, instead giving her a nod.

Well, it wasn’t like you even had to think about what to ask her, since no matter how much luck you seemed to have, Yelan would always top you, and while her questions started out standard, asking you about things like work, they grew more and more personal with each question.

“What’s your taste in women?”, she eventually asked with as straight of a face as ever, and while the last question had already seemed a bit too personal for your taste, this one made your heartbeat faster than usual whenever you thought about what would come next.

“Well, I don’t really have one… I’m not that picky, if they are entertaining to hang out with, I guess”, you answered truthfully, well not completely, since there was someone you had eyes for.

“Then what about me?”, she asked, topping all her previous questions while making your face as red as the Jueyun chillies she loved to eat.

“T-that’s more than one question”, you stuttered out, frantically trying to buy your brain enough time to figure out any reasons she might have said something like that, baring the obvious of course, since that was too good to be true.

“Of course, how silly of me”, she stated, only to immediately get the highest possible score, making it unnecessary for you to even try and beat it. “Well, what about me?”, she stated once more, leaning forwards before putting her head in her hands while resting her arms on the table.

After seeing you fail to form a coherent sentence more than once, she leaned back before speaking again. “Fine, let me a different question”, when you heard her words, you finally managed to calm your nerves down a bit, only for all your blood to shoot into your head once again immediately afterwards.

“I like you as more than just a friend, do you feel the same?”, before you even had the chance to think about it, your body immediately went into autopilot, nodding enthusiastically without delay, causing the woman in front of you to smile at you once again.

Kuki Shinobu

You had known Shinobu for a very long time, having been friends with her long before she and her family got on rather… difficult terms. But when she had gone to study in Liyue for a few years, the two of you lost contact, only for her to come back and become part of the Arataki-gang, something you couldn’t help but find odd. Sure, you hadn’t seen her for years, but her joining that group of rather unusual individuals, wasn’t something you had ever expected from her.

But when the two of you met again, you somewhat rekindled your old friendship. Sure, the two of you had changed a lot, and instead of wearing the shrine maiden clothes you had expected an adult Shinobu to wear, she had found a different way to dress, most notably wearing a mask to hide her face even though you had never thought that there was a need for her to do so, but at the core you were still the same people as back then.

You couldn’t pinpoint exactly when, but at some point in your friendship Shinobu had stopped acting entirely professional around you, acting far more friendly than before. It may have been far from the friendliness others, like maybe that Naganohara girl, seemed to offer, but still a big enough change for you to notice, not that you had anything against it, since you were just happy to have your old friend back. And while she still insisted on wearing her mask most of the time, she wouldn’t seem as embarrassed as the first time you accidentally caught her taking it off.

You had plucked a few lavender melons since you seemed to remember Shinobu having told you about how they tasted better when roasted and decided to pay her a visit to ask for a few tips, only to encounter what seemed to be the rest of the “Arataki-gang”, but without their name giving leader.

“Hey, I’m sorry to-”, you looked at what they were doing, only to find them stand around two beetles fighting each other, leaving you with more questions than answers, but decided to continue anyway “…interrupt you, but do you know where I can find Shinobu?”, you asked, causing all of them to immediately turn their heads around.

“You’re looking for Kuki Shinobu? Why? Do you need something from her?”, one of them immediately started questioning you, approaching you while making you feel as if you were in some sort of trouble, like you had broken an unspoken rule, but before you could continue, the man in front of you suddenly had a look of realisation on his face. “Oh, you’re her friend! The one she always spends time with after work”, he almost shouted, catching the attention of the rest, making them gather around you as well.

What followed was them bombarding you with one question after another, not leaving you any time to answer any of them, but seemingly not even minding. You had long lost the ability to even register any of their questions, since they would be interrupted in the middle of it, causing you to have to hear a completely new one, that was, until you heard a question that stood out.

“Are the two of you a couple? You must be, you always hang out with each other, and she even mentioned you a couple of times”, all other members fell silent, as all their gazes were focussed on you, awaiting your answer.

“She was talking about m-”, before you had the chance to finish your sentence, another voice rang out, this one clearly being Shinobu’s, but instead of sounding professional like usual, or relaxed like when you spent time together, this time it was filled with rage.

“You have ten seconds, whoever is in my line of sight once they are over won’t live to regret it”, in an instant, the mass of men around you were gone, all of them scattering into different directions, leaving you and Shinobu alone, she finally having calmed down somewhat. “I hate those idiots sometimes”, she stated bitterly before letting out a big sigh, her choice of words somewhat surprising you.

“They seemed… friendly”, you awkwardly stated, trying to make her forget what had just happened, but instead earning yourself a nervous stare from her, only to hear her sigh once more.

“You heard what they said, so I guess there’s no need to deny it. I like you, and I hope you do the same, do you want to go out with me?”, her confession caught you even more off-guard, leaving you frozen in place for a couple seconds before finally mustering enough working braincells together to answer.

“Sure, I feel the same”, you answered, only to find it to be an underwhelming reaction, searching for a way to continue. “Do you want to roast lavender melons together?”, you awkwardly asked while lifting the basked full of them that you held in your hand, earning yourself a small, rare chuckle from Shinobu.

“Of course”

#genshin x you #genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin x y/n #genshin impact x reader #yelan x reader #gi yelan #yelan imagines #yelan #kuki shinobu #kuki shinobu x reader #kuki shinobu imagines

[rudeflower]

notes from someone who stopped Maladaptive Daydreaming

I maladaptive daydreamed almost all my waking hours from about age 9 to 29. That's a lot. I stopped in the last year.

There's not a lot of research on the phenomena, but it's been suggested that it's because of childhood trauma, that's definitely the case for me. It's a form of dissociation.

BUT I have been dealing with said trauma and as an unintended (and kind of sad honestly) consequence I don't maladaptive daydream anymore

This isn't advice on how to stop or not stop, but rather my observations of what happened

Very slowly, over time, I was able to think about myself, my social relationships and my job for longer periods of time without the daydreams taking over. I slowly was able to go longer without listening to music (to trigger daydreaming) until I realized I was going full days without listening to anything, and that's when I realized how little time I was spending in my brain worlds.

I used to walk constantly to trigger the bilateral stimulation that took my daydreaming to the VERY TOP OF THE CHARTS. Over this years this has looked as healthy as getting a walk in every day, and as unhealthy as walking in below 0 temperature (hello Chicago weather) for hours

Now I still do walk every day, because I walk to work and try to get a walk in otherwise, but I don't feel anxious if I don't. And even when I do walk, I'm often thinking about my own life not my stories

I used to listen to music constantly, and listen to the same songs over and over to trigger specific scenes that I imagined the same way hundreds of times. At my undergrad college I had a reputation (like a wide spread reputation, with people I didn't know) for walking around campus wit headphones on looking pissed, but I was just dissociating. It was a not a good reputation to have. I listened to music at the grocery store, walking alone at night and at times chose not to leave the house because I couldn't find my headphones

Now I do listen to music a lot because it really helps with writing, but I don't listen to music in public which made me realize I was missing a lot of social cues because of it, like someone saying "excuse me!" in the grocery store aisle was going over my head

Not listening to music constantly let's me actually feel part of the world I'm in instead of trying to shoot out of it. It also lets me eavesdrop and notice other people, which has helped a lot with writing characters and conflicts

When my daydreaming was most intense I didn't write anything more than a half hearted oneshot for 5 years. However, I had these amazing rich worlds inside my head that felt so much better than actually writing (or so I thought)

Now I write constantly and quickly, I just wrote 50,000 words in three weeks. I pulled from scenes I'd imagined over and over, but once I wrote them down I realized they didn't actually work in a written narrative, which was disappointing but let me finally move on from scenarios I'd imagined to death which was kind a relief

When considering addressing my daydreaming I worried that I wouldn't be able to write as well without it. But it turns out I don't have to imagine a scene three dozen times to write it, I can just write it.

Writing is less chemically pleasurable than daydreaming, I will not lie. But then you have something you can enjoy and share with others.

I do miss the ability to crawl into my own brain and curl up there for as long as I needed to feel safe, but I just feel safe now and that might be a worthwhile trade off.

#maladaptive daydreaming #dissociation #writing #idk if anyone will engage with this but i have been wanting to talk about it somehow

[crayolacolor]

simon infinitytrain?

send me a character and i'll list the below things about them | accepting!

HELLO ANON. i do not know if you'll ever see this because it took me ten years, but here i am, answering you.

FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM:

fun fact: simon infinity train is the reason i have a disclaimer about me getting attached to tragic antagonists in my pinned post. so you can probably make an educated guess what i like about him.

he's just. such a well written character. i love how his negative character development was contrasted against grace's positive character development. i love how the writers did a really good job of making him infuriating and sympathetic at the same time.

i'll go more into my thoughts on him in a later section, but yeah, the tl:dr is he really just is my character type hahaha.

he's just a really complex character and imo the writers nailed that.

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM:

okay well, this answer changes depending on if you mean from a writing perspective or a 'him as a person' perspective. from a writing perspective, 100/10, no notes. i can't think of anything i disliked.

from a PERSON perspective. episode 6 makes me want to murder this man <3 i want to put tape over his mouth every time he speaks in that episode. it's somehow WAY worse than when he's just straightup being an over-dramatic anime villain at the end of the season.

FAVORITE LINE:

oh there are many. i need to rewatch again. but the ones that live in my brain rent free are ALL after his downward spiral begins:

"teamwork begins with two people trusting eachother. but you? you're no person." dramatic effect. extremely traumatizing for everybody who's ever watched this show. 10/10

"i liked what we had, but you made me do it! you betrayed the apex. and you betrayed me." again, dramatic effect. really gives you a feel for what's going on in his head, i think. 10/10

"why would i ever want to change if i'm always right!?" iconic. i think this is the one people remember the most from him, along with the one from ep 5.

BROTP & OTP (combining because my answer is the same for both):

grace. lol. full stop. hopefully i don't have to explain that i am VERY AWARE that their relationship was unhealthy in many, MANY ways. that is what i like about it. i'm a huge fan of messy relationships in fiction. i am a self proclaimed angst fiend.

the tragedy of it all is 100% the appeal of it for me, from either a platonic OR romantic standpoint. i love that. and yes, i do ship them to an extent- but NOT in the "i think they should have gotten together in canon" way. again, the angst is the appeal!!

i admit i do also enjoy aus where they fix their relationship, but not INSTEAD of the canon, more so in ADDITION to the canon. i think it's a fun alternate route to explore, but i deeply adore what the infinity train writers did with them in the show and that will not be changing.

NOTP:

literally any of the protags from the previous seasons. y'all, simon and grace are 18. you can't be shipping them with the 13-14 year olds. please stop. (nobody here! i mostly see this on ao3, honestly.)

RANDOM HEADCANON:

i think simon has been back to the cat multiple times in secret.

i really like the theory that he got some of the apex's tech from her. the main thing i have to support this is this line from the episode where he returns to her cabin in book 3:

"i knew you'd have something. you always do."

particularly i think there's a good chance he got the unmodified gravity boots from her (and likely modified them himself) and possibly also the number tracker.

UNPOPULAR OPINION:

oh i'm sure a lot of what i've already said has been an unpopular opinion, haha. i'm one of those people that's so in the middle in a debate that both sides of it have reasons to disagree with me.

i really like simon. he and grace are my favorite characters in the show. there are parts where i feel really bad for him, and parts where i want to yell at him and hit him over the head with a very large stick.

i see his death as a tragedy in universe, but also a really good writing choice on the part of the infinity train crew.

i don't think they secretly had a scheme to make us dislike him. i think it was written in such a way that it makes sense that some people would have a viscerally negative reaction to him, and others wouldn't. he's a very complex character and that's good writing!!!

i think the tragedy was the point, which is something both people who like him and people who hate him seem to completely overlook in a lot of cases. it's either "woohoo! simon died!" or "killing simon was bad writing he should have been redeemed >:/" not "oh this is really sad but i love it from a story perspective."

i don't think he was "irredeemable", per-say. the fact is, he was faced with a pivotal choice in episode five, and he picked the wrong one. he chose to double-down. i love that. i really do. i love the downward spiral. it's painful in the best way. i would not change the canon show for the world. again, 100/10, no notes.

but i can also see a universe where he made the right choice. i was writing a fic about that, once. (which admittedly has some characterization issues which i would fix if i tried it again.) i think it was possible. and i think that's a fun route to explore too. not a better route from a writing standpoint, but a good one.

i have so many more thoughts but this has already gotten really long, and i have two more questions to go, lol. but if you want to hear anymore you're free to send me another ask about it!

but, for now, moving on.

SONG I ASSOCIATE WITH THEM:

someone else on tumblr pointed out that "the moon will sing" by the crane wives is a good fit for simon @ grace and now i can't unhear it.

and, finally, FAVORITE PICTURE OF THEM:

anime villain simon my beloved.

#color's ever-revolving interests | fandom stuff #mailbox arcade | ask games #anonymous #infinity train #simon laurent #long post #HOOO boy can you tell i have a lot of thoughts about simon infinity train???? LOL #i have a lot of thoughts about b3 in general tbh #this is not even the HALF of them #i love it so much.

[nohoperadio]

The date for my annual performance review at work has been set for one month from today. The review day itself is not a big source of stress, it's the management's opinion that I'm good at my job, it's a mildly awkward thing to go through but it's very unlikely to "go badly" on the day.

However!

I gotta fill out the paperwork first, which consists of seven pages, each page representing one of the abstract work virtues ("teamwork", "initiative", "customer service" etc), and for each of these I have to write 3+ concrete examples of things I did over the past year that exemplify that virtue, followed by a description of how each thing I did impacted the business, followed by explaining what lesson I took from each thing.

This is a chore that combines several things I hate hate hate and am bad bad bad at:

homework (the paperwork doesn't have to be done at home, you can schedule work time to do it and this is considered fine, but this doesn't work for me at all for reasons we'll get to in a bit), I'm not even good at structuring my free time when the only things I'm trying to fit into my schedule are nice things I enjoy doing, let alone this

bullshitting, the whole thing is premised on an abstract dreamt-up-by-HR model of how people's jobs work that bears so little relation to reality that it's basically impossible to complete the form without a lot of bullshitting. You have to take utterly mundane and routine moments from your job that don't mean anything and write them up in a way that emphasizes how brilliant and special and passionate you are; also because they ask for an absurdly large amount of examples, you find you spend a lot of time and mental effort figuring out how to reword stuff you've already written elsewhere in such a way that it's not too obvious you're repeating yourself. I am extremely averse to bullshitting to an extent that I fully acknowledge is irrational and unhealthy but I don't seem to be able to do much about it: at uni I would occasionally miss deadlines because I couldn't figure out what my actual opinions were about the thing the essay was about, and I couldn't bring myself to just write an essay endorsing a conclusion I wasn't sure about. I hope that doesn't come across as even slightly a boast, there is no virtue there, it's an extremely fucking stupid attitude to have, I knew that at the time but I couldn't seem to change it. And I'm still kind of like that unfortunately, I can write bullshit but it feels horrendous and takes a ton of will power and progress will be comically slow.

expressing positive sentiments about myself, this one's self-explanatory I think

The result of these points is that I find writing these things so emotionally draining that it often takes like literal hours of psyching myself up/calming myself down just to find the right state of mind where I can even get started, and then often that leads to like, two or three bullet points worth of progress and then I'm exhausted. If this sounds dumb to you, well, yeah. That's why I can't realistically do it during work time, what am I gonna do request a whole day's worth of time and then produce like 30 words by the end of it? I'm not doing that. On top of these setbacks resulting from my unfortunate personality, there's also the fact that my particular role is quite different from most people's in the company but I still have to fill out the same standard form as everyone else, e.g. I rarely deal directly with customers so I have to really reach to argue that stuff I'm doing counts as "customer service", there's a lot of that kind of thing.

I'm not sure if I'm really conveying what I find horrible about this very well, but basically it's: 1] a lot of work, which 2] relies on skills I am extremely weak on and 3] aggravates my weird neuroses in various ways, and all the while 4] the whole thing is manifestly pointless and dumb. That's a recipe for aaaaaaaaaaaaa. If this year goes like the previous two years, I'll spend the weeks leading up to it feeling guilty and panicky for a significant portion of every day and doing that thing where I procrastinate the productive task constantly while not being able to really enjoy the things I'm using as procrastination either; I'll make ludicrously small amounts of progress on a handful of good days, but ultimately somehow force my way through most of it all in one go just before the deadline.

Maybe it won't be like that this time. My general being-a-person competence has been improving year on year for the past several, maybe this is the year I only moderately suck at this type of task. I shall let that sentiment have the last word here, not because it's especially plausible but because it feels virtuous to do so.

(I feel like it would be unjust to write this post and fail to say: I like my job. A lot! It's nothing very glamorous, I work in a bookshop and get paid marginally more than minimum wage, but: I find the work satisfying, I virtually never have the "ugh I can't wait till I can go home" feeling, and there's a small number of people there who I like very much and who like me in return. All three of those are things I literally could not conceive of being true of any job before I started here; when I said above that my being-a-person competence has improved the past few years, my job is a huge part of that. I have more positive feelings towards my work than a lot of people ever get to experience and I feel lucky for that. But this one particular aspect of it which comes once a year always kind of ruins my life for the better part of a month and I really wish it didn't exist.)

#uninteresting #and a bit too long #I put the readmore there because I respect your valuable time #this one's only for the hardcore ventpost fans

[albedo05]

QUICK INTRODUCTION / RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME :D

My nickname on here is Astar, so please call me that!

I am 19 years old ( birthday is January 12)

I have struggled a lot with my weight, self-esteem, mental health and etc. I am currently trying to lose weight and be skinny in a very unhealthy way after figuring out that the healthy way did not work as effectively as I had hoped for. Now I'm trying to lose atleast 20kgs and 5-10kgs before I go back home in May. (so around 60-65kg)

I am a HUGE Zelda fanatic. In fact, it's one of those special interests of mine that has never left me since childhood. The same goes for Monster High and Mario related things, but Zelda is on top. Horses are also a part of my special interests.

I have two horses. Two horses (3 years old and 18 years old). They are my whole life and world. I love them too much to let them go.

I am autistic, so if I'm a bit "weird" sometimes or whatever, don't mind me lol.

I own a Nintendo Switch, PS5, PS4, Xbox, Pc, 2 and 3 DS, used to own a Wii and is soon a proud owner of a Wii U. This means that if anyone wants to play something, I'll probably be able to play with y'all! If y'all are ever interested ❤ don't hesitate to reach out to me!! (I also play mobile games like Identity V)

I read lots of danmei novels, manhwa and etc. I would like some new recommendations because I'm kinda bored with the ones I'm reading atm. (No motivation)

I like to go on hikes, especially with my horses on the mountains surrounding my house / farm. It makes me feel relaxed and like I've done a good job when reaching the top. I also feel like I grow stronger bonds with my animals after.

I'm pansexual and bigender. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask.

I LOVE horror, psychological thrillers (and thrillers in general). They are my favorite genres, but I also enjoy other genres of movies, games, series, books and etc, but these are my main ones. I read lots of romance too, but mainly in manhwa, manga and manhua form.

I change my profile theme a lot because I can't seem to keep just one. Usually they consist of my favorite characters from different franchises.

I absolutely do NOT condone any bullying whatsoever. I have been bullied for most of my life, and I won't let that pass on here, no way. If you have shit to say, leave.

And lastly, I'm willing to make friends with just about anyone! As long as you aren't like super toxic or anything. But most of y'all aren't - that I've seen, anyways ❤❤

#i will reach my ugw #skinnni #i wanna be perfect #eating disoder trigger warning #tw ed diet #tw ed fast #ana trigger #i need to be weightless #i wanna be tiny #unhealthy weight loss #tw ana trigger #anorexcya #intro post #introduction #introductory post #ana intro

[animeyanderelover]

OMG hiii ! How are you enjoying in your holidays? I hope you're doing well! As for me, this is my first time being so early, so I would like to request the Heiwajima brothers sharing a darling. Since they're close, I think it'll work out well? (I'm also looking forward to how yandere Kasuka would be)

I find it funny and depressing at the same time how I received this request in the summer holidays 2022 and finally write it in the spring holidays 2023.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, delusion, protective behavior, stalking, some violence

Sharing a darling

🚬▪️Both of them have grown somewhat distant after Izaya caused Shizuo to lose his job despite him promising Kasuka that he would keep working. Then there's also quite obviously Kasuka's position in the showbiz and his often very busy schedule yet both of them retain a good relationship with each other where both of them care for each other. Both of them are two polar opposites too with Shizuo possessing a incredibly short temper and Kasuka making up for it by being the level-headed and almost apathetic counterpart. The younger brother feels some sort of responsibility when it comes to his brother. It can be left open how their darling got mixed in between all of that. They could be someone both have known since childhood, could be a citizen in Ikebukuro or even be someone also working in the showbiz. The easiest way for both of them to fall for someone though would probably be with someone they've known since childhood, before both of them grew distant and Kasuka became famous which would make them the connection that kept them from growing so distant from each other back then.

🚬▪️Kasuka shows his emotions rarely so his obsession flies under the radar but Shizuo is a different story. He's extremely protective and low-key possessive since he's used to being lonely because everyone fears him for his violent outbursts. He might try to avoid you at first since he's terrified of hurting you too, even if inadvertently but deep down he longs for you and your love. I mean, he certainly tries to hide his attraction but his raging jealousy and outbursts as soon as someone makes you cry make his feelings and intentions clear. You caught him multiple times trailing behind you since stealth isn't his strength, especially not if he catches someone flirting with you or making you uncomfortable. His heart is transparent, especially for his younger brother who has known him the longest. Kasuka knows what his brother feels and also knows that his brother is quite obsessed with you. Most people assume that Shizuo likes you anyways but differently from most, Kasuka notices that this goes deeper and is the reason why Shizuo acts even more irritated than normally. His older brother is confused and afraid.

🚬▪️Shizuo's even worse temper because of his inability to regulate his overpouring emotions thanks to you has to stop though. His brother only hurts himself and you too by constantly trying to push you away because of his fear to hurt you, which he already does by rejecting you. So the younger brother takes it upon himself to have this conversation with his brother at one point since things just can't continue like this. He's very straightforward with Shizuo too, tells him that he hurts your feelings by ignoring and avoiding you although he does understand why his older brother is behaving that way. Kasuka knows already that both of them harbor the same sort of feelings for you, Shizuo doesn't know until Kasuka admits his own feelings which shocks him. There's a sense of shame since he's always so easy to read whilst Kasuka expresses rarely openly his emotions and for that is harder to understand. There's a short awkward tension between those two which mainly comes from Shizuo.

🚬▪️Kasuka after all has known since a while, had time to accept that fact whilst everything is new to Shizuo. Obviously he doesn't hate his brother and Kasuka has most likely already suggested the option of sharing. Largely because he cares for Shizuo but also because he can imagine very well what would happen if Shizuo wouldn't be able to see you and love you, tying into Kasuka's feeling that he has to take responsibility for his older brother's temper and outbursts which would surely be even worse due to his obsession. From Shizuo's point of view, Kasuka's option makes the most sense since he also knows that your absence is poison for his temper. It just feels a little bit weird at first, thinking about having a polyamorous relationship since he never considered something like that before. Kasuka most likely imagines that Shizuo needs a bit of time to get used to that thought and gives him that time. In the end both agree to share since they're close to each other.

🚬▪️Shizuo has no idea to even bring that idea up to you though and so Kasuka takes charge of most of the talking when they bring it up to you, additionally forces his brother to apologize for hurting your feelings by avoiding you. If you request time to consider their suggestion, they both will give you time. Shizuo is a bit impatient and itchy though, worried what will happen if you reject that idea and will also start to think weirdly about both of them for bringing such an idea even up. Kasuka just tells him to wait for now. They will start worrying about that if it really happens. You relieve both of them by eventually agreeing though. The planning and troubles are far from over though as there arises a small discussion with whom you should stay. Kasuka has his schedules, his shootings and all his meetings to attend to due to his position as a star which means that him and Shizuo can't have you by their side at the same time. Staying with Shizuo is in the end the better decision as Kasuka is worried for you.

🚬▪️He has paparazzi and obsessive fans so he doesn't know how safe your personal space and identity would be if you were to come with him. Both of the brothers also agree that they'd like to keep the polyamourous relationship a secret although Kasuka is realistic enough to know that at one point someone will eventually find out. So he leaves you in Shizuo's hands, knows that he's capable of protecting you. It's maybe not what he really desires but it's the safer option, especially if he knows that you'd be uncomfortable to be exposed to flashing lights and hate mails from upset admirers of his. So you end up staying with Shizuo who is mildly nervous of the aspect of loving and providing for you. He has a job as a bodyguard for a debt collectors agency but doesn't earn the most money. At least not enough money to treat and spoil you like he might want to do. Kasuka helps him by sending him money since he also wants to do something for their darling, even if he's busy with his shootings.

🚬▪️The poor man is so awkward at the beginning of the relationship though as the tenderness and affection you give him almost overwhelms him. He's, very frankly spoken, just not used to the affection of someone else and doesn't seem to know what he's supposed to do. The only thing he really knows to do well is using his strength to beat others up. So you might have a bit of a rough start with him as he still tends to push you away here and there and might say something that ends up hurting your feelings a bit. He feels so guilty every time he notices how he hurts your feelings though which only continues to smash down his self-esteem. You endure it though, something that genuinely touches him and only hits him with more guilt whenever you give him space and time. Shizuo feels the desperate need to repay you for your kindness and affection somehow, something that doesn't only include protecting you by essentially scaring everyone away with his strength.

🚬▪️Physical affection is something he secretly dreads due to his strength. He's just so scared that he might hurt you and bruise you which is why he is exceptionally gentle whenever he hugs you or holds your hands, something that continues to fluster him greatly every time it happens. He secretly loves it though when his s/o is affectionate with him. He's like a dry sponge soaking everything up that his s/o does for him. Compliments, hugs, kisses, presents, all things he never received much during childhood and adulthood. He's still greatly insecure about himself though and whenever he loses his temper or accidentally says or does something that hurts you, he succumbs to insecurities. He envies Kasuka a lot for his controlled demeanor, sometimes even fears that you'll end up turning completely to Kasuka. He'd completely understand why you'd do that but that doesn't make the thought hurt any less.

🚬▪️You see how genuinely hard Shizuo is trying though, even with his explosive temper and jealousy. He even attempts to become a better cook to prepare meals for you when he invites you over, does his best to buy you little things in hopes of making you happy. With Kasuka on the other hand you often chat and he calls you a few times a week to hear how you're doing and how Shizuo is doing. At times you and Shizuo worry that he feels secretly jealous and left out since he's such a busy man but if he is, he never lets anyone notice it. He just provides Shizuo and you with some of the money he's earned and you tend to get presents sent to you by him. Some of them are too expensive for your taste and if you tell him that you'd feel too guilty receiving presents in a certain price range, Kasuka is considerate enough gift you what you like within an acceptable price to pay. At times he tends to feel a bit annoyed and guilty for having so little time to spend with his s/o so presents tend to be a way of apologizing for him.

🚬▪️When Kasuka has free time on his hands and knows about it beforehand, he plans with Shizuo and you to meet and to be sneaky enough to not let any of his fans and paparazzi find him. In almost all of the cases, Shizuo leaves you alone with him unless Kasuka specifically asks him to tag along. You spend so much time with him after all, his younger brother deserves some time with you alone since he has so little with you. That seems to be a silent agreement between the two brothers and Kasuka appreciates it since the lack of time he can spend with you tends to get to him, he just hides it better. You two have to stay hidden though to minimize the risk of being caught together which tends to limit the things you can do together. Whilst that might upset you a bit, Kasuka is just grateful to be able to have you to himself for a while at all. He has a wide range of hobbies though and if you tell him that you'd like to try one of them out with him, he'll try to arrange things so that you two can do it.

🚬▪️Considering that a few of his hobbies include flower arrangement and painting, you tend to get a lot of bouquets and paintings he did himself to make it more personal. The difference between the two brothers is almost painfully obvious. You can always read Shizuo and always have to try to tame his temper, Kasuka on the other hand is silent and you can't decipher him as easily as you can his older brother. Kasuka doesn't speak too much, mainly because he just likes listening to you talking and watching you. He's very straightforward though so if he notices that something is on your mind, he'll ask you about it rather quickly. He's more collected, a better observer which can make him more risky in the way that he's better to read your facial expression and your body language. Due to the lack of emotions he expresses, it makes him in return harder to read which could make for a rather effective manipulater if he'd ever do so. Luckily both brothers lie seldom to you.

🚬▪️Shizuo is the one mainly protecting you and keeping you safe with his strength which is already enough to make even the less sane person think thrice about hurting you. If Kasuka gets to know about a problem that Shizuo can't solve with sheer imtimidation and his violent temper alone, he will do something too though. He might not be as physically strong as his older brother but he has other ways, mainly a lot of connections and the ability to spread rumors. Social platforms can be a scary thing after all. They truly are like night and day if both of them are able to spend together time with you. Kasuka is comfortable with your affection and initiates it himself, Shizuo still tends to still get shy and embarrassed about it which results in slight envy but it's nothing serious. Kasuka could be considered as the brain of the relationship since he, due to his composure, isn't swayed as easily by his emotions. He doesn't claim the control in the relationship though, Shizuo often just thinks of him as more suited to make plans although if he has an objection, Kasuka listens to him.

#yandere durarara!! #yandere durarara #yandere drr #yandere shizuo #yandere heiwajima shizuo #yandere kasuka #yandere heiwajima kasuka

[thegeminisage]

i just read broken road and i enjoyed it immensely. i just see it differently (not exactly negatively) now knowing you once(?) shipped sam and dean. does that have any influence into it🤔 just simply wondering not interrogating u. i’m interested in that essay even

(prev ask)

ok, my essay is under the cut. it's very, very long. everybody please consider this your warning for inc*st ships if you'd rather not get into it

first point: actually, broken road was not in any way secretly influenced by any previous love of sam/dean, if that helps you any. i wrote it in post november 5th mode and you better believe i was not remotely capable of thinking about anything else. thank you for enjoying it! it's very very special to me and the time i spent working on it and posting it are genuinely some of my fondest memories. cringe <3

second point: to just honestly answer your question, since you're not interrogating me and not being an asshole (thank you and i'm not saying that sarcastically, i have gotten sooo many rude asks about this), my answer is, "eh." my favorite was sam/dean/cas (once he started being on the show) because i'm a cas girl first and foremost. and if i come across a fic where the premise looks good i might check it out, but i basically never actively seek it out bc my preference rn is strongly for destiel.

(that said i do like sam and dean's relationship a lot as brothers or as...whatever else, i'm mostly neutral as long as we don't leave cas out of things, AND i'm perpetually bitter about sam getting left out in the cold, so if i wanna read good sam fic, sometimes people who ship him with the other main characters will do a better job than making him the perpetual longsuffering butt of the slash joke. same goes for early seasons spn fic: sometimes the sam/dean writers just do a better job. i very rarely get the hankering though because i like late seasons, such as season 13, who is my best friend. i think sam got pushed to the side SO STRONGLY that sometimes people sometimes subconsciously associate him being written well or mattering at all to dean beyond functioning as dean's accessory and/or proof/the catalyst of dean's traumatic upbringing with w*ncest. because otherwise they see him as a minor character (?!?!), and why are you bringing this minor character up so much if you're not secretly shipping him with dean, The Main Character? god, does anybody remember when SAM was the main character?? sorry there is truly not enough punctuation in this paragraph.)

now for the actual essay: i do get a little irritated/confused with how much pearl-clutching people do about sam/dean. like, this is EASILY the most harmless of the "problematic" ships. they're consenting adults, barring some tropes and genres i would not like to read nor discuss. and before cas came into the scene (and sometimes even after) we got baited just as hard for the two of them. it was weird and unsettling because the nature of inc*st is that it's often weird and unsettling. their dynamic is unhealthy and codependent and that's part of their appeal in whatever form. people who get the heebie jeebies because it's "problematic" are missing the point. there are also weird and unsettling vibes between dean and john, because that was part of the abuse. that actually played into broken road way more than any sam/dean stuff. he was a bad father and he made dean his backup wife and there was probably some emotional inc*st happening CANONICALLY. we all watched that in the show right?? but for some reason talking about that is fine and talking about whatever sam and dean have going on gets you put on block lists. because sometimes sam/dean fics are just for fun and whenever we talk about john we have people in fics punching him out or killing him. like we have to point our fingers at john and go "THAT'S BAD" loudly enough to ensure everyone else that we're above moral criticism. it's like. weirdly thought police-y. (and tbh, that's part of what inspired broken road - i was looking for nuance re: john and couldn't fucking find any because of this weird black-and-white mentality fandom has developed.)

and it's so hypocritical sometimes! i remember deancas stuff used to have "w*ncest fans dni" banners all over it, in the guise of protecting and standing with survivors, but when actual survivors would say things like "actually those banners just remind me of everything all over again" they would mostly get ignored?? it was so performative, like this kneejerk reaction of promising everybody YOU know what's bad so you won't get ostracized. my tastes don't usually run very dark so most of the sam/dean i wrote or read was way less unhealthy than, say, whatever lestat and louis have going on in iwtv. but nobody's making blocklists of iwtv enjoyers because that would be insane? there's just a little bit of cognitive dissonance happening i think.

like, obviously, yes, in real life inc*st pretty much always speaks to something having gone extremely wrong in someone's life and a dynamic being extremely unhealthy at best, but in fiction it is possible for it to be consensual, even if it is a little fucked up or the people involved are a little damaged.

(warning for discussion of rape fic from here down) i'm not actually totally anti-censorship though. i do firmly believe there are some types of fiction people shouldn't write! i wouldn't read parent/child anything, or any kind of rape fic unless it's tastefully engaging with the aftermath of something like that. sam/dean just seems so, so tame to me in comparison to some of the other stuff fandom has come up with. in 2014-2016 people used to write a thing called hydra trash party, which was just porn of bucky barnes being gang-raped by hydra agents. ie nazis. and half the time he was headcanoned as jewish. like??? can you even GET more tasteless than that??? i hated that shit (and i still do, deeply). i talked about how much i hated it all the time and people would come after me like "well who are YOU to censor other people? what if the authors are survivors working through their own trauma? you can't ask authors to disclose that kinda stuff if they want a license to write graphic nazi rape porn!" i got literal hate mail about it. equal but opposite energy of those dni banners - both people claiming it was "about survivors" to justify doing, uh, whatever they wanted. it's just fucking wild to me that in less than a decade my stance of "i don't care what people write if everybody is a CONSENTING ADULT," while not changing at all whatsoever, moved from being too prudish to being too problematic.

another side tangent (sorry, you did ask) is that i was a slash writer on FFN in the video game and anime fandoms during the late 00s (ironically, quite a lot of straight men there) and holy mother of god...the kind of shit comments i would get for putting two dudes kissing in the same fic, even though it was PLASTERED with disclaimers. i felt like the mob was after me sometimes lol. and that's sort of the way i felt once those w*ncest asks started. i remember back in the peak of post nov 5 stuff if i like, reblogged art or gifs from certain blogs people would write in to tell me that person was a sam/dean shipper so i'd take down my (gen, non sam/dean) post. i felt paranoid (and still feel paranoid) reblogging GEN sam & dean content because i'm worried people will take it the wrong way. i actually deleted one from my drafts earlier today - i'd been thinking about it but then i got your ask and decided against it, lol. what a way to live! especially in fandom, which is (and i hate to politicize it this way but it's true) a queer-adjacent space that's supposed to be free of the kind of judgment you'd get for not being a normie irl.

on FFN, one of the many pairings i wrote for actually involved an underaged teenager and and an adult. but as i was the same age as that teenager at the time, and had a crush on that adult character and toootally wanted to marry him, i couldn't see what was wrong with pairing them together. like i quite literally did not know better. it's a pairing that actually disgusts me now, lol. if people now could send me asks about what i did back then to try and "gotcha" me (they can't because it's all been deleted) i'd be really pissed about it, because you can't continue to punish people after they've learned and grown. everyone's been so terribly kind about broken road, and there's this real fear of losing or tainting something so special and wonderful just because people have a problem with the fics you read or wrote a decade ago. it sucks. i do think there's a line (like, maybe don't write nazi rape porn, also whatever was going on with that j2 haiti fic), but i also think we've got to try at least a little not to reinvent puritanism on fandom websites of all places. that's wack.

and man, i know i said it already, but i just keep coming back to w*ncest being SO TAME? like it doesn't compute that someone would get icked out over CONSENSUAL sam/dean and meanwhile ship for example rowena/ketch like he didn't torture her or sam/lucifer because they like mark pellegrino like lucifer isn't sam's fucking rapist. and not even get "in trouble" for it. it boggles the mind.

and like, idk. i initially got my hackles up at your ask because it's 1 of a million, and i could dodge the questions by taking down the one sam/dean/cas fic on my profile ig, but that fic is how i met a good friend of mine and she'd be sad if i were to take it down, so i don't want to have to, and i shouldn't have to. you know??

my final thought: i've been writing fanfic for 20 years. 20 years ago when i started writing fic sam/dean would have been unacceptable because it's two men. 10 years ago it was fine because they were the ONLY two men, and every woman in supernatural got bullied off of the show, and people writing het got hatemail. now it's unacceptable again because of the inc*st. 10 years from now, who knows what will happen? so i try to base my morals on what i feel i can live with as a person rather than what a bunch of people on the internet (i'm not including you in that) tell me what i can or can't do, or should or shouldn't do.

i really hope this answer doesn't like, ruin broken road for you, or anyone else. i don't think of myself As A W*ncest Shipper at all, but neither do i deny that i used to be, and i certainly don't have any problem with (again) keyword CONSENTING keyword ADULTS in fanfic now, even if they do happen to be siblings ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i just hope that like someday we find a middle ground where we can live and let live but also have enough sense not to write nazi erotica. if that's problematic of me, so be it 😔✊

#liz answers asks #anonymous #really really really long. sorry. this has been bothering me for literal years #absolutely no way i could have expressed these thoughts directly post nov 5th during the spn revival #without people hunting me for sport lol #so if nothing else at least i got to get it off my chest

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hello can I have a one piece matchup, please? :3

Personality:

I am pretty social however I prefer to spend time alone! I care about others a lot… To an unhealthy amount honestly but Im working on it! I love to help others and make them smile, but I do wish I would get something for being so nice in return, yeah it might sounds greedy but I want to be appreciated! And get something nice haha, like just a compliement or something, when my helping and kindess gets unnoticed I might get upset because of how much tired I am and I just want to be a appreciated like I said before 😭 I wanted to be noticed and not ignored! I care too much what others feel and think and its tiring, I just want to be selfish sometimes and care about myself even if its sounds mean.

People call me funny! Well it all depends because everyone has different sense of humor! But I am most of the time unserious and I love to joke around, serious situations are stressful so I prefer to be joyfull, but I do like talking about serious topics (sometimes) Like I said before I love to make people smile and laugh with my jokes and overall with make them happy with presence. Its my job to make others happy <3

My humor is definitely not for everyone, its mostly humor of a 12 y/o kid which can be annoying to some people lmao (sometimes its funny how people are annoyed by it) and some other things depends on how I feel. When it comes to annoyence I also like to annoy people <3 its so fun! But I never want to make them really feel bad! Often I act like an asshole but this is just for jokes! (but sometimes I wanna be a real asshole lmao) Like I said I dont want them to actually feel bad, if I do, I will feel very guilty! When it comes to it I apologize A LOT, I apologize so much that it might too annoying but I always feel a sense of guilt inside of me. I'm also VERY sensitve and worry about everything. Ah and I'm pretty dumb and I am not trying to insult myself I am just silly hehe and I'm okay with that. Oh and Im clumsy 😭😭

Likes/Dislikes:

I LOVE LOVE horror and scary things, I can't imagine my life without it, its just a such interesting genre that makes me happy and intrigued! I adore horror games and I'm mostly interested in them, however most of the time I am scared of playing them so I just watch gameplays and stuff like that haha. You can say I am obssesed with horror! (its funny because its easy to scare me haha)

I love to eat food <3 especially sweet things

I also love cute things! Plushies, pink, clothes and other cute things! I just love it so much <3

I like games very much (I suck at them), art, anime, drawing and psychology! When it comes to music I love energetic ones!

I dislike slow music but there can be some exceptions.

I dislike cooking (I love when someone knows to cook however I suck at it

Appearance:

Around 156 cm height

Chubby

brown eyes

chin length hair with bangs

round glasses

Have a nice day/night!

Hi there! Thank you for the request. I’m going to keep this intro short. Let’s get into it!

You Got…

Shanks!

He may seem oblivious, but the people he really cares about he pays so much attention to. So he would pay attention and appreciate all you do.

You have Lucky Roux make you the best food, especially sweet things.

He would love your humor. He would enjoy it and never take offense to anything.

I think he would enjoy a good horror movie. Movie dates are yes.

Play lots of games with you. He’d probably let you win because he’s a sweetheart.

He would buy you a plushie on every island. I hope you enjoy!!

#one piece #first division girl #one piece matchups #one piece matchup #op matchup #op matchups

[leavingautumn13]

I SEE YOUR RB ABT ASKING ABT OCS SO I WILL ASK >:D

What’s the toughest case Nora ever took as a lawyer? Has she ever wanted to quit after defending someone bad/or losing as case on the offence?

What’s she proudest of? What‘s CONSTANTLY on her mind? Did her favourite sweater survive the bombs? What’s her opinion on Sentry Bots or Assaultrons? WHATS SHE THINK OF FATHER?? (and does she ever think about technically being the grandmother of all synths?)

Lots of questions but I am curious!

aaaa thank you! i'm always happy to talk about nora!! (i also talk a lot about her and do ask games and such over on my fanfic blog; here's her tag!) under the cut for length because i am longwinded

oh man, nora wants to quit being a lawyer all the time but sticks it out because she feels its a moral duty. if she wasn't a lawyer, i think she'd own a greenhouse or go to school for art history, but she really struggles with letting herself relax, or feeling like she's allowed to relax/do things she enjoys. i'm gonna keep a lid on the reason why, but it'll eventually get explained in this fic i'm writing. (which i am sooo close to posting chapter 1 of!)

nora most often wants to quit after losing defense cases. prison is a punishment and not rehabilitation, help with bad circumstances, etc, and since she's a public defender most of her clients are struggling poor folks who can't afford an expensive lawyer. she tries very hard to be a servant of the common people.

she actually did prosecution for a little while but quit because she didn't vibe with it at all. in my fic the prewar legal system is skewed heavily in favor of the prosecution, and juries are pressured to convict, even in cases where there's reasonable doubt, no motive, etc. nora doesn't like feeling like a weapon of the state used to punish its own people, so she walks away.

as for tough cases: i'm still ironing this out for the fic, but i wanted to expand on the corsino case mentioned in the scrapped sanctuary hills terminal. in the end, nora never gets to see it finished because of the war, and that weighs on her.

nora tries to be proud of making it through law school, because it was a struggle for her, but she has difficulty being proud of herself (her husband does a pretty good job of being proud for her, though). deacon talks her into being proud of the work she does for the railroad, even though it never feels like she's done enough.

unfortunately nora sometimes spirals in her thoughts, and one thing in particular is often on her mind: that she should have carried shaun that morning. fic snippet here, tw for graphic violence, suicidal ideation, and general bad brain stuff. she has a very unhealthy relationship with her perception of her actions that day, and it eats away at her.

her favorite sweater did not survive the bombs; none of her clothes or personal items did (save for the holotape from codsworth and her and her husband's wedding rings). she misses her wool peacoat immensely. mama murphy does knit her a grey sweater that she wears pretty frequently, though.

oh god, assaultrons and sentry bots both scare the hell out of her. her first gunshot wound is actually courtesy of a sentry bot she and her companions accidentally activated. she gets clipped in the upper arm and it leaves a nasty scar and puts her out of commission for a few weeks while it heals. [here's a fic snippet of just after she gets shot, and another where she's got cabin fever and disassembled nick's office (under the "anger" heading). tw for blood and injury in the first link!]

that obviously is a pretty awful first introduction to sentries. she tries very hard to avoid fighting them when possible. she feels the same about assaultrons. nora's main advantage in combat is her speed and stealthiness, and she really hates having to fight things that are faster than she is and can find her. (she likes kleo a lot, though, and considers her a friend.)

oh, father. god. okay he's a huge part of why i'm even writing this fic in the first place. nora genuinely loves him and tries her best to convince him to change his plans and... it doesn't work. she's just another experiment to him and whether he cares for her or is lying to string her along is unclear, but she loves him and so she can't let go. it's an emotionally abusive relationship on father's part, and part of nora recognizes this but... that's her baby, y'know? as awful as he is she can't help but love him.

how she resolves this is uh, spoilers, sorry. it's one of my favorite moments in the fic, though.

she soundly rejects the idea of being a grandparent to the synths. she does consider many of them family (danse, x6, and shaun in particular), but in a found-family way like she considers her postwar human friends family. i talk a little about it in this post, but to sum up, she thinks father's take on it is very paternalistic, especially given that he doesn't see synths as people. biological relation doesn't mean very much to her.

tysm for the ask!! <3 i could talk about her all day

#please let me know if you want me to elaborate more because i will #also prepare yourself for some art of damien bc he's on my art fight list >:) #autumn.oc #autumn.fic #oc: nora navarre #fic: until dawn

[capn-queer]

Actually did some art for once, so. Woo! It's been a while, kinda been just idling trying to figure out how to make good 3d models, but I decided that like. Yeah I should just try making some 2d stuff because it's been a while. And I did. And I enjoyed it.

There's two, a Warframe character and a D&D character, don't know if I should be splitting this up into two posts but like. There's not really a tutorial or anything for using Tumblr as far as I'm aware and it seems unlikely many people will see this anyway so even if it's a bit bothersome, it shouldn't be Too bothersome.

Anyways, first one, this is Damhnait, named after the singer for Sleeping in the Cold Below. They're my Tenno OC because Warframe has been taking up my time in Destiny's stead now that the sunk cost fallacy's not holding me down. They're a bit of a bigger kid compared to a lot of the others on the Zariman, and because of that they felt responsible when everything went to shit, and tried to keep at least their little group together, which they managed pretty well, eventually ending up starting a clan and building a dojo with their friends.

Fast forwards a bit after first waking up, they're... not doing so hot as a faceless super soldier still, but they're not doing terribly, more just strangely empty as they go about their life up until the point the Second Dream happens.

They aren't the one who makes the discovery but to be fair it doesn't matter that much when you find out everything you thought you knew about yourself was built up on a lie, that lie being the idea that you and the people you are ordering to fight are adults and not a bunch of literal child soldiers.

Obviously, they are not exactly Okay after that little revelation and have not Transferred back into any of their Warframes even Once after recovering their real body, instead being carried around like in the Second Dream most of the time, also not being the most physically healthy just in general and due to that being pretty much wheelchair bound. I mean. If that wheelchair was a humanoid-killing machine capable of magnetizing people's bones.

Anyways, I tried to base them off their look in game a decent amount but obviously it's not perfect, their scars especially bother me but I haven't figured out texture for any of my other drawings and I'm certainly not stopping now.

And now onto something relatively more lighthearted, Cosgrove, named after Matt Cosgrove who plays on the TTRPG channel the Third Wheel and also made a bunch of character songs for the PCs and NPCs. He's one of my current player characters, a Wild Magic Sorcerer who had a very normal homelife with parents who love him and a dog and went to Magic Highschool and Magic College just like anyone else, eventually graduating with an ethics degree and becoming a workplace health and safety inspector for the Nine Shrines Merchant's Guild with a serious disposition and a desire to help others.

Only... well, this is a D&D character, so obviously there's problems. Not from what you might think though, this man's as straight-laced and surprisingly average as they come, with a loving family, a decent social life, a stable job, a home to come back to, etc. The only real issue is something he's dealt with his entire life, his magic, something wild and uncontrollable that he's grown to resent over the years, which is what even lead to most of his decisions, to his need for control over himself and deeply unhealthy level of responsibility for others even when reasonably he should be looking out for himself.

He joined the party, not because of his own goals or motivations, but because his best friend, my previous character Indrina Morea, ended up getting seriously messed up in the first fight she was in, not enough to kill her but enough for her to realize that she was not enough for the party as it stood then and there, and for her to make the decision to ask for help, going to the most capable person she knew, who she also knew was a strong magic user even if he actively avoided using any magic.

He's got a deeply unhealthy mindset for an adventurer obviously, adventurers are so deeply varied but they almost all Want things, have their own wants and desires, don't hesitate in dangerous situations and act on their instincts. Cosgrove though... he freezes up, he refuses to use magic unless given proper authorization by either the leader of the party or the highest rank ally available. He uses a gun in most of his fights and doesn't even Have a damaging spell.

He's the weakest link in the party, and the rest of the party doesn't Know it yet, even to him, while it's obvious he isn't exactly suited he doesn't know the extent of it, and it's going to be made Very Clear through various fights, getting singled out and having his weaknesses taken advantage of, and through it all he'll either sink on his own or the other party members will recognize what's going on and push him to start swimming. It's all a matter of whether they'll see the dangers and flaws of his current mindset before it's too late.

As you can tell by... well, all of that, I have a lot more to say about Cosgrove than I do about Damhnait, which makes sense because he's a character that's actively doing stuff and not just in my head while leveling up random items. As for his design, it's pretty simple and formal. I wanted to really hammer home how out of his depth he is here by making him... well, an office worker.

He doesn't look like some hero or even particularly fantastical, he's just a guy, he Wants to be just a guy, he's rejecting himself to be that and he's covered it up so well that if the rest of the party hadn't actively seen him using magic in combat they wouldn't even know. I also largely took inspiration from, well, two Jujutsu Kaisen characters, Nanami and a guy from the manga who I'm not gonna spoil in case any of my friends who wants to watch/read the series read this.

Anyways, that's the two of them. Who knows, maybe I'll post more within a semi-reasonable time-frame if I finish up more pics soon. I have been thinking about drawing my other active and soon to be active D&D characters, and maybe when I get more comfortable with art again I can start doing more complex things than just headshots, all just kinda depends.

At least I'm not working with MS Paint now.

#art #digital art #warframe #tenno #d&d art #d&d character #d&d oc #tenno oc