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reinetulpamoved99999 · 3 years

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Responding to @hellamella77 's questions for endogenic systems! Our system is mixed origin, and I (Reine, a tulpa) am working with the host to answer these! Feel free to talk to us and ask us further questions, however this blog is not for syscourse. Responses are under the cut!

I also ran out of room, so this will be continued in a reblog!

1. What kind of system are you?

We've agreed that we're mixed origin! As a reflex, I would call us endogenic, although reconsidering, not all of us comfortably fit under that term.

2. How many of you are there?

Six, including me and the host. Although I suspect we have more members that we can't communicate with.

3. How long have you known about your plurality?

Loaded question! Roughly, I was created on and off during 2018, but the host focused on creating me late 2019 to early 2020. From then we found/gained more members. However, one of our members say he has been around for years before that.

4. What kind of spaces/communities do you/did you hang out in?

5. Had you heard of DID/OSDD/DDNOS before you became plural/discovered your plurality?

Yes! Someone who is close with the host has DID and told him before he created me. However, when he found out about tulpas he didn't connect them in the slightest.

6. Do you have a wonderland? If so, what do you call it, and what are some things that you and your system members do there?

We do! Right now its just "the headspace" and for the most part its works as a place to hang out, help with meditation, visualisation, and some other things. Some like swimming there, going off and doing their own thing, and playing. I do pretty much everything in there, especially cooking and gardening.

7. What do you call your system members?

Usually by their name! Jokes aside, usually just headmates, as the brain is dyslexic and gets alters/altars confused. If I'm not comfortable revealing their identity, I might give them titles such as syskid or nicknames like C.

8. If you're plural but don't use the word "system" to describe you&, what word do you use?

For the most part we use system, but considered changing to 'Constellation' since it's a cute, aesthetic name. This however gets difficult since system is a universal (;)) term, and the habit never stuck.

9. What are some of the best things about being plural?

It's an unique experience! Obviously, for me, I wouldn't exist, but I also believe it's an effective coping mechanism for us, exercises the brains ability to process things, and helps when we can't access therapy.

10. What are some of the not-so-great things about being plural?

Due to plurality being so personalised, sometimes things just start happening without a conceivable answer (which can be stressful since our brain is autistic and wants a solid answer,) which is about 40% of the issues. The other 40% is syscourse, worried about faking, etc. 20% probably falls under small things that are easy to fix.

11. Do you have a spiritual or psychological view of your plurality?

Mixed! While the host and most other headmates (the ones who care, that is,) have a psychological view, I see it as both. I personally believe that I was brought here to help the host and that I am from a place beyond his mind, however also understand his mind has a hand in forming into how he perceives me.

12. Do you ever experience switching? If so, what do you call it, how difficult is it, and what is it like? Were you always able to do this, or did you have to learn how over time?

We call it switching or fronting since possession has negative connotations. Some of us can switch at the drop of a hat, some have triggers, some can't, and some (me) struggle switching. Switching doesn't come easy with me and mostly comes when the host is drunk. However, we have done some training which has been improving our ability! I can now control the hands/arms with prior meditation.

13. How do you and your system mates relate to each other?

Depends on the headmate! For our syskid I'm a parent/guardian, our protector I'm a friend (or annoyance- either way of platonically love them ^^), for the host I'm a source of comfort and close friend. We don't see each other as family for the most part, but generally get along.

#endogenic #actuallyendogenic #system #plural #endovoices #tulpa #tulpamancy #tulpavoices #tulpa positivity #endo positivity #part 1 #reines post

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the-ghost-king · 3 years

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for the anon describe yourself date (but not date 4 u lol) thing

whats up, I am utterly obsessed with nico di angelo and the percy jackson serieses, I take too many AP classes, I probably have adhd, I like to read and write and I like drawing (but I'm not very good at it) I like dad jokes and I'm very much a dog person. I like History and I want to go into academia or psychology one day.

(Lmao, yeah "the dating not quite date thing" might be a good name for whatever this is exactly I'm doing here~ I appreciate your submission)

I've been obsessed with Nico di Angelo for years now so I get it... My obsession originally started because I was trans and just didn't know it and was therefore living precariously through Nico in some ways, but my love for him has kind of stuck over the years so I understand that. I'm glad we can share and obsession over the Percy Jackson series, gives us something to talk about when daily life falls flat!

I used to take lots of AP classes but my school doesn't offer so many anymore, and also the one I was supposed to take this year was essentially a freshman college pre-med class but I would have had to do in person to take the class and that wasn't an option (my entire family is high risk)... Me being barred from that class was the first time I've legitimately ever felt anger, before that point I'd always had anger and annoyance confused... I've taken a few AP history and science classes, and I'm currently in an AP lit class and will be next year, so I can understand the struggles of AP classes and I applaud you and hope you pass!

(I've passed all of my AP classes so far but I haven't earned the college points from any of them because I used to be a gifted kid but now I'm just depressed and happy with a B)

I wish I still read but often times I find myself getting stuck in spirals of having lots of things I bought and want to read only to reread something again and not finish it fully. As for writing although I haven't done anything creative in some 10 months I'm currently working on 2 different one shots and I'm very proud of that fact!

As for drawing, art takes time and it's not an easy process. I find myself often annoyed at not quite meeting the same levels of other people before I remember my digital art looks worse than my traditional and that most of the people I'm comparing myself to are 20-30 year old artists and I feel a little better; just look at some old art and see how far you've come, it definitely helps you feel better lol. Also! Although you shouldn't trace anything you're going to use for something, I do absolutely recommend tracing images when learning it helps teach coordination and stuff~

I'm overall generally an animal person, and although I kind of want to be a doctor or an author, I wish owning a farm made more money because I would love to be able to live on a farm and car for livestock. Dogs are super cool just like every animal, I like cats but I'm allergic :/

History, academia, and Psych are all really cool ngl. Although I've never wanted a history degree I absolutely understand why someone would, museums are tons of fun and I love learning weird information about the past... I'm personally a fan of 1800-1900's women's fashion, and WW2 European society (social norms, fashion, daily life, etc)- so yep! I also like Ancient Greece, 1000-1700s Europe, Ancient Japan, and pre-settlement America (Vineland, Cherokee and Iroquois, and Latin American first nations people). I would also love to talk for hours about psychology not going to lie, I've only been diagnosed with GAD but it's likely I have depression and adhd as well (some other side effects as well but that's not relevant right now)

Anyhow Anon, apologies for my rambling but I would take you out on a date or two as well, I could see us being close friends even if the relationship didn't quite work out! Thank you for the ask!

#dating not dating ask game #Anon

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thomasstanley-h · 4 years

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Happy Halloween | t.h.

You're at a party when you spot an ex. Quick, you urgently have to pretend to be dating the nearest person, who happens to be very attractive.

college au

1.7k

It was the night of Halloween, and you have just begrudgingly arrived at some frat house that was full of drunk college kids who were wearing different kinds of makeshift costumes that’s still somehow appropriate for the holiday.

With your own makeshift costume of a black shirt, mom jeans, and your brother’s old suit jacket with your hair slicked back and eyes made up with some messy black eyeshadow, trying to pass off as “punk Eleven” from Stranger Things, you walk inside with your best friend, who was dressed up as Lara Croft, and head straight to the kitchen where the drinks were.

“Hey!” Brad, one of the frat members, greeted the two of you. “You guys made it!” He shouted, obviously drunk.

“Yeah!” Your best friend, Tammy, responded matching his drunken enthusiasm.

You were laughing at the comical interaction happening in front of you when you spot the familiar curls of your ex boyfriend. “Holy shit, Tam.” You dragged her to the kitchen by her elbow, thinking of how to avoid him the rest of the night. “He’s here!” You panic, looking at her with wide eyes.

“Okay, chill dude. Have a drink.” She took two cans of beer from the cooler on top of the kitchen counter and gave one to you. “Have fun, pretend he’s not here. Mingle.” Tammy winked at you and went to the living room that was turned into a sort of dance floor.

Taking a rather large sip from your drink, you walked out to the backyard trying to look for someone you know. You were just minding your own business when some drunk girl bumped into you quite hard, making you stumble forward. Luckily, someone caught you by the waist before you fell on your face.

“Woah there.” The person said, with what sounded like a British accent. “Are you okay?” He asked, his hands still on your waist holding you up.

“Yeah, uh, sorry.” You look up to see brown eyes staring at you. “Thank you.”

Your savior shook his head, with a small smile on his face, and said, “No problem, don’t want El to fall.”

You stood up straight, and gave him a sheepish grin, turning red at the cheeks. “I–uh–thanks again. Gotta go.”

You quickly walked back inside, trying to escape from further humiliation from the cute British guy. When, “Ah, shit.” You saw your ex walking towards you and you spun around going back out and falling into him again, but this time with your arms around his neck.

“Hi?” He greeted, sounding like a question with confusion written all over his face.

“Uh, hi again.” You grin. “So, my ex is here and he’s coming towards us right now and, uh, can you like pretend to be with me tonight?” You mumble with pleading eyes.

“Yeah, sure.” With that, the sweetest smile crept up on his face along with his hands circling your waist. “Hm, where’s this—“ He was about to say something when your ex finally reached the two of you.

You feel a tap on your shoulder and hear your name called. You close your eyes for a second and let out a huff of breath before letting your arms drop from British dude’s shoulders and turning around to face him.

“Hey, Shawn!” You greet, trying to seem excited to see him. “Didn’t know you’d be here!” You step forward to give him a one-arm hug and went back to your previous position.

“Yeah, a friend of a friend invited me.” He said, his eyes going to your waist where British cutie’s arm is still wrapped. “Hey man, I’m Shawn.” He stretched out his hand to shake, introducing himself.

“Hey, Tom. It’s nice to meet you.” The young man beside you said, making you internally face palm, realizing that you’ve never exchanged names before this altercation.

“You too. So, you’ve, uh, been together long?” Shawn asked, confusing you a little.

Tom’s arm tightened at your waist a little, and you find yourself liking the feeling of it. “A little, yeah.” He said, not missing a beat.

“Oh, cool.” Shawn mumbled.

“How have you been?” You said as Tom took his arm away from your waist to entwine your hands together, and Shawn looking at them briefly.

“I’ve been good.” He replied simply. “Hey, I have to go meet up with some friends. See you later, yeah?”

“Sure, it was nice seeing you, Shawn.” You bid your good byes and gave him another of those half-assed hugs.

“You too, it was nice meeting you man.” And with that, he was back inside the house leaving you alone with Tom who was still holding your hand.

“Holy shit.” You sigh a breath of relief, not really realizing that you were still connected by the hands just because of how natural it felt.

Tom squeezing your hand set you back to reality and you turn to look at him with the biggest smile on your face. “You okay?”

“Yes, thank you, oh my goodness. You’re a life-saver.” You squeezed his hand back tightly. “Oh crap, I never really got to introduce myself huh?” You let go of his hand, stepping back and stretched it out for him to shake, and introduced yourself.

“I’m Tom.” He shook your outstretched hand, chuckling at the silliness of it all. “You want to go grab a drink?”

You finally realize you’ve lost the can of beer that you’ve been nursing in the middle of everything. “Yes, please. What department are you in? I feel like this is the first time I’ve seen you, and everybody knows everybody with how small our campus is.”

“Performing Arts.” He responded. “Yeah, I actually just transferred.”

You arrive at the kitchen, and Tom grabbed a can and wiped the top with his shirt before opening it and giving it to you then took one for himself. “Thanks, and I’m guessing you’re from the UK?” You say sarcastically because of how obvious where he’s from.

“Hm, Japan actually.” Tom tried to play along with you making you giggle. “I’ve actually seen you a couple of times around campus, running from building to building. What department are you in?”

You blush at the thought of the cute guy paying attention to you to actually remember you, and at the thought of the cute guy seeing you at your worst. “Psychology and Journalism, double major.” You shrug at him. “A bit pretentious, I know.” You follow up, trying to save yourself from the judgment you tend to get when people find out you were a double major.

“I think it’s impressive actually. I know I wouldn’t have the strength and will to do what you’re doing.” He said, shaking his head a little.

You shrug at him, not knowing what to say. “So, uh, thanks again for saving me back there.”

“It’s no problem, really. I’ve had my fair share of bad exes that I want to run away from.” Tom chuckled.

The night went on as you feel yourself getting a little tipsy, and surprisingly, Tom still hasn’t left your side. “You don’t have to stay with me, you know. You can go ahead and talk to other people.”

“I like being with you.” He responded simply, making you flush even more than how the booze is making you.

“Oh hush, I’m not that drunk yet.” You joked, giggling. “I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you supposed to be?” You asked, looking at him from head to toe, thinking of what his costume is. He was just wearing a basic black shirt and some jeans with a pair of sneakers.

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to look like the douche who doesn’t dress up for halloween.” He put his arms out and twirled slowly giving you the whole view of what looks to be an amazingly fit work of art.

“Oh wow, never could’ve guessed that.” You giggled again, definitely feeling the effects of the booze.

“Hey, do you want to—“ It seems that he was about to ask you to leave when your best friend stumbled into the room and dropped into you, almost making the two of you fall if it wasn’t for Tom’s quick reflexes.

“Oh shit, Tammy!” You struggle to hold her up, with Tom’s hands on your back supporting you. “How drunk are you!”

“Just a little.” She said, slurring her words. “I wanna go to bed now, please. Thank you.” Tammy was about to close her eyes and fall asleep right then and there in your arms.

“Tammy, no!” Your arms were hooked by her armpits supporting the dead weight.

“Here.” Tom went in front of her, ducking slightly and telling you to put your best friend on his back so he could piggy-back her.

“I’m so sorry for this one.” The two of you walk out the frat house towards your dorm to get your best friend to bed. “I’m really really sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He replied, chuckling. “Looks like Tammy had fun.”

“Too much fun, if you ask me.” You sighed, looking at your best friend. “This is why I don’t drink too much when we’re together.”

After a few more minutes of walking, you arrive at the dorms and put Tammy to bed. You went to the bathroom to wash off the messy eye make-up and went out to the living room to see Tom standing awkwardly in the middle of it.

“I bet you didn’t expect to carry a drunk chick at the end of the night.” You joked, plopping down on the living room floor, tapping the space beside you.

Tom followed suit and said, “I honestly don’t know what to expect anymore with American parties.”

“C’mon, let’s go get something to eat.” You stood up from the floor and grabbed his hand, trying to pull him up. “You’re heavy, get up!” You whine, still struggling to pull him up.

You suddenly find yourself falling as Tom pulled you down to him, and landing on his hard chest. You blush at the close proximity of your faces, your eyes going to his lips before going back up to his brown ones.

“I think I like this more than food.” He whispered, looking at your lips.

“I think so too.” With that, you lean your head down to catch his lips on yours, thinking that going to that stupid halloween party wasn’t so bad at all.

#tom holland #thomas stanley holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland imagines #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #imagine #imagines #halloween #and yes that is shawn mendes bec oomf #tom holland x reader #first time writing for tom and i must say im enjoying this #thomasstanley-h

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ablackmoonrises · 3 years

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Hogwarts for troubled youth Chapter 1, in which Moony can’t keep a Secret

[Posting here while I’m working on it, I won’t post to Ao3 before I’ve written a couple more chapters and so on] Remus has his DID under control. As long as it’s just him and Moony, they’ll manage, and the Wolf can howl all he wants, it won’t get to Anna.

Sirius knows a thing or two about gaps in memory, but when he falls for the easy-going Moony he’s not sure if he’s prepared to deal with Moony’s moody twin Remus, much less a little girl or a violently self-injurious Wolf.

Meanwhile James just wants to start his transition already, but the autism diagnosis that helped him finally make sense of who he is, now seems to prevent the one thing he wants more than even Lily’s attention: To get on Testosterone.

“I’m not Remus.” The words leave Moony’s mouth before they have a chance to get a hold of them. They tumble out of them, spilling all over the pretty new boy with the long black hair.

“Okay?” Sirius says, a question hidden in the confirmation, and Moony wants to punch themself hard. Instead they flash a bright smile at Sirius.

Moony would have been lying if they said they weren’t interested in the new boy. He was not the typical candidate for Hogwarts, rumour had it his parents were loaded and very much still alive. The pale dark-haired boy seemed intent to blend into the shadows, a silent observer with large grey eyes, following the comings and goings of other children from dark corners.

Moony would catch themself staring, losing track of James’ incessant blabbering, as the new boy – Sirius, Moony would remind themself – made his way to a new corner.

“Well you know..” Moony says, pulling back a bit. “I just like to be called Moony. Sometimes.”

Moony had come into existence again the night prior, casually opening his phone to check his conversation with Remus.

“We got to walk the dog with the new boy tomorrow”, it read, and Moony’s heart had started to race. “If I’m not there.. please don’t fuck it up. He seems cute.”

“That’s cool,” Sirius responds, tilting his head slightly as if trying to figure out why Moony is telling him this. Moony isn’t so sure either. They walk in silence, the big black dog panting at the end of its leash. Sirius’ hand is surprisingly steady as he’s pulled along.

“So… what’s the deal with this place?” Sirius asks finally, after an extended period of silence. “What do they do?”

Moony looks at Sirius and grins, a wicked smile replacing their calm exterior for a moment. “Well – it’s mostly a place to fatten up children before feeding us to the Witch,” they explain.

Sirius looks doubtful. “a Witch?” he asks, as if that’s the part that doesn’t make sense. Moony nods enthusiastically. “Yep! Well.. I believe her official title is doctor of psychology, but I call her the Witchdoctor.”

“And she’s going to eat us?” Sirius is somehow managing to lift one eyebrow, which is impressive and infuriatingly attractive.

“Yeah – just – gobble gobble. It’s a whole thing.” Moony shrugs. “She’s gonna spit ya out again, no worries, but each time she chews out another piece of your soul.”

“Well in that case I guess I won’t stay long, it’s not like I have a soul to begin with,” Sirius says with downcast eyes.

“Well aren’t you the cheerful one..” Moony comments, turning around to walk backwards while talking. “…Anyways, I’m sure you know what this place is on paper?” they ask, and almost trip over a bush. Maybe walking backwards isn’t as elegant a manoeuvre as they had hoped.

“It’s like.. a correctional facility?” Sirius says it like a question. “Like a mix of a boarding school and an orphanage..?”

“Ding ding ding!” Moony says cheerfully. “Less correctional facility, more treatment facility, I suppose?” Moony plasters a wide grin on his face, making sure to edge it far enough to be at least mildly unnerving. “In other words.. It’s a place for crazy people!”

“But I’m not crazy,” Sirius says, sounding surprisingly calm. Most people were more adamant when defending their sanity.

“Well that’s too bad..” Moony sighs. “You know what they say? All the best people are.”

“I’m not crazy…” Sirius repeats, and there’s that delicious level of desperate insecurity that makes Moony feel better about themself. “My family’s crazy though,” he says after a while. “And they’re not exactly good people.”

Moony doesn’t have a good comeback to that, partially because Wolf starts howling in his head, and partially because… well. Dude has a point.

They take the last of the round in silence, and Moony expects that to be the end of it. There’s a weird tension building in the air all the while, and Moony isn’t sure what to make of it. They hand the fluffy therapy dog back to Hagrid, and stand in the cold January weather for a moment, as if sizing each other up.

“…You don’t speak much do you?” Moony says finally, breaking the silence. Sirius shrugs.

“I speak when I have things to say.”

Fuck, this dude’s one-liner game is on point. Moony needs to get their head in the game.

“So… Guess I’ll go back to my room.” Moony says, and something flashes through Sirius’ eyes. The boy looks almost lost for a moment.

“Are you…” Moony begins, but stops themself. Sirius shakes his head, and Moony isn’t sure what they were asking or what Sirius is responding to at this point. This’ll be fun to analyse in the wee hours..

“So if you’re bored, you can come up.” Moony says, surprising even themself. Sirius’ eyes open a tad too much, before he schools his expression back into something more neutral.

“Sure.”

Moony shares their room with a depressed gremlin, a little girl and a rampaging Wolf. Usually they would have taken this under consideration and not have invited a total stranger, but apparently it’s just one of those days. And hey! Remus did tell Moony to be nice, or something to that effect.

To his credit, Sirius does not comment on the crayons littering the floor, nor the general state of disarray in Moony and Company’s room. Moony shoves some school papers off the bed, and gestures for Sirius to take a seat.

“So uh,, are you a tea drinker?” Moony asks lamely, feeling suddenly incredibly awkward about the presence of the posh boy in his crappy room.

“Why not,” Sirius answers fluidly, and god damn it, why is this motherfucker being so smooth all of a sudden? Moony nods and turns to the small kitchen in the other end of the room. They’re quiet while the water comes to a boil, partially because Moony honestly thinks there’s a special place in hell reserved for people who try to have conversation over the sound of a kettle. Like, who even does that?

As a result the silence is long and sticky, and Moony’s brain is working on overdrive. They can feel Sirius’ eyes on their back as they pour the water into two teacups. Moony takes a deep breath before turning around. They place the two cups on the bedside table, and stand awkwardly hovering for a moment, before slamming their ass down into the bed.

-say something- flashes through Moony’s mind. -you invited him here – say something –

Moony regrets not offering Sirius something stronger than tea, to loosen the mood, but then, they don’t want to risk getting in trouble. And who knows if they can trust this new boy yet.

“Why do you prefer Moony?” Sirius asks, slicing through the silence with precision. Moony startles. Damn, that’s right, he told Sirius that.

“I just.. sometimes Moony feels more right.” They say, it’s not a lie, not exactly. “I mean.. Moony is like..” they stop. “It’s just a joke since Remus Lupin sounds pretty fucking lunar, and I am a lunatic, so..” Moony laughs, half-lies flowing easily from their tongue. Okay, so Moony doesn’t usually go around claiming their own name, since everyone hear knows them all as Remus, but so what? No harm, no foul.

Moony is desperate to not be Remus.

“You keep referencing being insane,” Sirius says. “What’s that all about?”

Direct. Moony can appreciate that. But then, most people don’t ask and for a moment Moony is struggling.

“Oh you know.. the usual. When I was in the loony bin they called me loony loopy lupin, if that tells you anything..” they laugh. “You know, just… I have….” They stop, biting their lip for a second, feeling suddenly unsure how to proceed. Only James and some staff knows about their DID, and Remus is going to kill them all if Moony lets it slip to this practical stranger.

Maybe it’s Sirius’ calm inquisitory gaze. Maybe it’s the joint Moony smoked before going on their walk. Maybe … Just maybe.. Moony is getting pretty fucking tired of living the life of someone else.

“Okay so.. I basically have. Or I am. Yeah. I’m like…” Moony is aware they’re rambling, but they can’t stop themself. They’re starting to feel distant as the world starts to fade around them.

They come back to themself, realizing with horror that they’re still talking. “….so yea that’s like I’m the keykeeper and the princess is in the castle and Remus is the gate but he can’t open without the key and..” Moony stops abruptly, staring ahead of themself. “What?”

Sirius is looking somewhere between concerned and confused. Fuck. Moony hates when this happens. Also if they’re starting to black out, chances are Remus will be back soon, or worse, someone else. Time to get the witness out of there.

“…Right.” Sirius says, tilting his head. Moony hopes his darker skin-color hides his blush.

“So you said this princess is guarded by the big bad wolf,” Sirius says and Moony inwardly flinches as the Wolf starts clawing at its prison. “But if the princess is guarded by a wolf, why do you need to have a key?”

“Uh…” Moony says, desperately trying to remember and make sense of whatever conversation they must have been having. After a moment they give up and let out a big sigh.

“Look mate,” Moony says. “This is gonna sound pretty fucking stupid, but if you wanna spend any amount of time with me you gotta know that I have an… incredibly shit memory.” They shrug in what they hope is a nonchalant manner. “I kind of blanked out on that whole conversation.. So your guess is as good as mine.”

Sirius nods thoughtfully. “Ok Moony,” he says. Then, terrifyingly, he adds: “How will I know when I meet Remus?” Moony’s eyes widen, and they almost drop the teacup they hadn’t been aware they were holding.

“Re-Remus..?” they ask. Fuck. They’ve really done it now. Moony is starting to sweat with panic. “I-I’m Remus..” The wolf is going to kill me – the wolf is going to kill me – the wolf is – no one can know – no one can know – our secret – our secret – secret – you are the gatekeeper; act it!

“Moony – “ Sirius is way too close now, he’s practically crowding them, and Moony wants to push him away but instead they just flinch and crawl awkwardly back unto the bed. The last of the tea drips into the sheets from the discarded cup.

- Anna stares at the stranger with the black hair and apologetic look on his face. She’s in a bed, something warm has soaked through her pants and the stranger is backing away, but she’s no fool and she’s going to scream bloody murder and –

Remus tends to blink into existence at the most inopportune moments. This time he comes to with a deep-seated sense of dread, like something is seriously wrong. For a moment he thinks he might be wrong. He’s just in bed, but it doesn’t take long for the unease to settle completely over him, as he recognizes the teacup bleeding into the bed. He looks up, and there, by the door, hangs a dark blue scarf. He’s seen this scarf before. It belongs to the cute new guy, Sirius. Remus pushes himself out of bed, his body is hurting in a dull ache that tells him Moony hasn’t been as careful with it as he ought to be. Not like Remus minds too much, the pain is just another reminder of his broken fucked up life.

Moony hasn’t left any notes, and Remus’ only clue is the blue scarf that hangs on the bed, and a low growl in his inner ear.

Whatever happened… the Wolf is not pleased.

#wolfstar #DID #fanfic #......be gentle with me #this is the first draft and I'm not a native speaker #August Rains #remus has DID and fibromyalgia #Sirius probably has a personality disorder but no one is sure kid is fucked #james has autism and adhd #and he's trans #moony is nb #and uses they/them #I'm very disappointed in myself that none of these kids have psychosis #so that might pop up in the future

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kaefandi · 3 years

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Day 2013

It seems like a perfect day to get back here…

I don’t remember the last time you were so wet,

my husband said to me.

Yeah... Little did he know that I was fantasising… about Him.

Yesterday, I came across my blog once again while searching for my theory on different kinds of infatuation (day 59, by the way). And in that search I briefly read the last two posts, which were poor attempts to circle back to that glorious “moving on” process. Oh yeah, five years later, it is, still, a process.

What a strange thing to be inspired by yourself? Not many people can say that. Not to imply that I am so grand and the things I put down here five years ago are so well put and beautiful, that can inspire anyone. I simply felt like I was someone. Five years ago. And it wasn’t so bad to be that someone. With all the struggle, and pain, and confusion, that someone was pursuing self reflection. And that alone I find beautiful.

As I’m typing these words, my husband is narrating aviation related news into my back. I am literally turned away from him, typing into my computer, and he still goes on. Hm. How did I get to be here…

Let’s see. I got married on 31st of August 2018. I met my then-to-be husband on the 1st of September 2017. Today is the 8th of January 2021. What a journey. Since I got married, I have developed a panic disorder. That is in addition to my low-key ever-going depression, of course. Now officially mentally not-so-stable, I am in therapy, both medicinal and therapeutic. No regrets here so far. 150 mg of venlafaxine, 25 mg of quetiapine before sleep, and a standard dose of oral contraceptive is a daily constant.

I hit the low in February 2020. Attacks were periodical. They lasted for hours, I was falling down the rabbit hole of panic attack and anxiety attack, which together would keep me literally shaken for up to 12 hours straight. I couldn’t travel. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t eat. My reflection in the mirror would question my reality. Believe, it is not a fun trip, sliding down the mirror, where your reflection just talked back to you, saying:

It’s not your body.

I sought medicinal help mainly because symptomatic nausea became my existential partner. If people say they can live with nausea, they probably feel it differently. For me, it felt like I needed to vomit any minute of the day, and deep inside I believed that I would vomit my identity. My then thepaist explained it all in terms of panic and anxiety disorders. I got a bouquet of derealisation, depersonalisation and shapeshifting symptoms. The triggering fear was the fear of losing my sanity.

I sought help from another therapist as soon as I tamed my attacks. Not without medical assistance from a psychiatrist, of course, I got to the point where I wanted more from my therapy. I figured that all attacks are symptomatic, and learning to handle them is just step one in a long journey of self-care. Step two was addressing the possible roots of those attacks. That is where the therapeutic practitioner comes into the light. I found a woman in my hometown, who agreed to work with me online. And it has been almost a year of our work together.

I am doing better. Attacks are always there for me, but I am just as much there for them with breathing techniques, with thought alterations, with body relaxation and general “letting myself lose my sanity”. They are never joking, when they say that to fight an attack, you should encourage it. For me it is not an encouragement that worked, but the total, and unfortunately painful acceptance. How do I fight the fear of losing my sanity? I let my sanity go. I simply let myself lose my mind. It never ends just at that. I am met by the fear of losing control straight after figuring out that my sanity did not go anywhere, although I set her free. The fear of losing control comes hand in hand with the fear of embarrassment. And here thought alteration, as effective as it might be, loses to the body management techniques. I usually get myself into my body, by literally touching my body all over and grounding myself back into it. Rhythmic tapping on the shoulders goes a long way, when the head is gone and the feet left the ground. Here, tears are my worst enemy, but ultimately they are a gateway to the total relaxation. It can take a while, but letting go does its job. It is exhausting, panic. Anxiety is just as physically and psychologically demanding. Now and then I find myself fed up. So fed up with that ever-present panic and anxiety, that I am scared to give up. Yet, still here, now, hopefully (fingers crossed), back to writing.

Writing is beautiful, actually. It is grounding. If I can manage to ground my physical self with voice exercises and regular stomping on the floor, writing is a great runway to land your mind onto.

Meditation is prohibited. You won’t probably hear that often, but meditation can be harmful to the mind which is already somewhere else than the head, the body, the present. I depart so fast and so easily, I hardly want to or am able to come back. That increases the problem with the body. Afterall, I exist through my body. My mind manifests itself at the cost of my fingers writing down the text, of my tongue pronouncing words, of my legs dancing to the rhythms speaking to me. Oh, mind expression through bodily means is so beautiful. But one thing you can master your mind, another thing you can master your body, but neither are going to get to the right place without that precious two-way relationship between each other.

All for today. More to follow 🤞

P.S. My husband was kind enough with the days count since the last post. He is a treasure. From a very foreign land. Where a very different language is spoken. And inhabitants look like people, but think a bit off. He is interesting.

P.P.S. 1602 days... 1602 days without writing, so much life wasted... let’s get back on track, let’s relive, rewrite, revive.

#marriage #moving on #depression #anxiety #panic #panic attack #antidepressants #husband #body and mind #meditation #writing #beautiful #infatuation #pills #day 2013

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dreadwulf · 5 years

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*sigh* Okay, I just had to write this all out to get it off my chest and hopefully get over it and move on.

People tell me I look just like Brienne of Tarth. I’m tall, blonde, broad-shouldered, and homely. I get mistaken for a man, even when I have long hair that goes all down my back, even wearing a dress. I’ve gotten used to it.

My earliest memory of school is lying on the ground while a crowd of boys are kicking and hitting me, because I was an ugly freak. Girls grow earlier than boys do, you see. I was the tallest kid in my elementary, and I was hated for it. I endured constant abuse. When I got a little bit older, and I was almost 6 feet tall when I was 12, the abuse mostly turned away from being physical and into emotional and psychological. Girls followed me into the bathroom, laughing at how my clothes didn’t fit, how awkward I was, how masculine. Boys no longer hit me, just ignored or ridiculed me. Because it was the 80s I heard constant references to the East German olympic team, how I looked like a member. I didn’t understand the references at the time, but I knew it was yet another reference to how I didn’t measure up as a woman. Much later I learned about how those women were dosed with testosterone by the government against their will - a terrible story that the people around me regarded as a joke. There’s nothing funnier than a manish woman, apparently.

When I was young I was undatable, never considered an option to anyone. I never kissed anyone until I was in my twenties, and was a virgin until I was 25. It’s bizarre when I look back now at photos of myself, because I’m expecting a hideous monster, and all I see is an ordinary girl - a little taller, broad-shouldered and plain, not pretty, but ordinary. But it all got into my head, you see. Inside I still feel like a freak. Undesireable. Unloved.

I started watching Game of Thrones from the first episode (mainly because I’m a big fan of Peter Dinklage!), and I was intrigued. Intrigued, but not obsessed, not yet. I’m a grown woman and I don’t have time for that sort of thing. But the first time Brienne of Tarth took off her helmet onscreen and I saw her face, I literally pointed at the screen and said out loud, “that’s me!”

Never in my life have I reacted that way before. Never before, and never since.

Granted, the actress who plays her is a great beauty, but the character of Brienne I latched onto instantly and felt a deep kinship with, especially after reading her story in the books. How as a child she was a girl very much like Sansa, who loved songs and romance and dancing and other girlish things, but the adults around her told her she was too ugly. Her septa told her no one would ever love or want her. She was shamed for wearing dresses and trying to be feminine, was told she was embarassing herself because her body was not womanly enough. She was made to feel like a failure just for existing, for being umarriagable, for causing the end of her house by being so ugly that no one wanted her. But instead of just crumbling and disappearing, Brienne of Tarth took up a sword and decided to make something else of herself. She wanted to help people, she wanted to contribute something to the world, and she decided to find a good lord and serve them as a knight. Brienne is brave and caring and defends the weak and wants to protect the people she loves. Brienne is a hero. She is a hero while not being tiny and delicate and pretty but large, sturdy, and ugly. In that she is completely unique, and completely wonderful.

A lot of old wounds opened up, watching that story and reading A Feast For Crows. Old issues I thought I was over all came back up. I identified powerfully with having your femininity stolen from you because your body is different, with being abused for not being woman enough, and with longing for love in a world that hates you. I remembered being hated, constantly and visciously hated, just for existing. I relived the bone-deep belief that I would spend my entire life alone, because no one would ever want me, a belief that was constantly validated by the actual people around me. I became painfully aware of the sense that I still have to this day of being constantly too big, too loud, too much, that has me slouching and shrinking and taking up less space and whispering timidly and the effect that those things have had on my life and career to this day.

And watching Brienne’s story, I saw how someone can endure the same things I did, and keep trying. Can keep struggling to succeed, and even fall in love. That was the most amazing thing of all, you see. This woman on television who looked like me, she was a love interest! She had her own romantic storyline! I could hardly believe it at first. I watched through my fingers trying to talk myself out of hoping. Because this never happens - an ugly woman, a masculine woman, is never desirable in fiction, never important enough to the story to be a love interest, and never worthy of romance. Yet here it was, it was happening right in front of my eyes.

Her love story with Jaime Lannister was a competely unique thing on television. An ugly woman with a beautiful man. A bond of deep respect and admiration, with undeniable sexual tension. Here were two people who can understand each other because they have both been hated for reasons beyond their control, who sought refuge in honor and knighthood and were loathed for it. Brienne understood how hatred can warp a person, make them someone they never meant to be, just the way she herself had been made to harden and close off to the world. She saw the person that Jaime might have been, if things had gone differently, and the man he could still become. Jaime for his part saw worth in her when everyone around him called her ridiculous, even though she was his enemy. He still knew that she was more deserving than any knight in Westeros, and believed in her when no one else in the world did. He gave her a sword and a quest and even a squire, lost his hand defending her, and he put his own life on the line to save hers.

Jaime openly adored her, looked at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world, and I have never seen anything like that. A woman who looks like me, being looked at like that. Do you know what that felt like for me? Can you imagine it?

This story meant a lot to me, is what I’m saying. It was healing for me. I believed in that story, and I expected that even if there wouldn’t be a happy ending, at least there would be that respect for the character, and that she would be taken seriously by the narrative and her story would be completed in some fashion.

And then they aired Season 8.

In season 8 we learn that not only did the show never bother to adapt her storylines from the books, where she is slated to face Lady Stoneheart and the Brotherhood Without Banners, they gave her no story in replacement. She has no material impact on the storyline of the show, she simply doesn’t matter in any way. The only major storyline they kept from the books was her romance with Jaime Lannister, and in Season 8 they destroy that story in the cruelest possible way.

After emphasizing that Brienne is an adult virgin, they give her one scene with what we thought was her love interest, where they share one kiss. One. Onscreen within seconds of Brienne being naked Jaime looks dissatisfied and unhappy, and in the same episode, leaves her to go back to his traditionally beautiful ex. Leaves her crying and pleading with him to stay. And then her story ends, except for a brief bookend where she writes an entry in the White Book showing she still loved him, even though he abandoned and betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Right now I’d really like to know if anyone involved with this show ever gave a moment’s thought to what it would be like to watch that happen. After years of patiently waiting to get the love story we were promised for five seasons, instead, to humiliate and punish Brienne for daring to think she deserved love. Did anyone ever consider what that would feel like for women like me? If they did think about it, I hope they enjoyed the hurt they caused me, because the way this story played out felt outright malicious and hateful. They could have given me one tender moment, one declaration of love or affection, just to know what it would look like to see that onscreen for a woman like me. Instead they deliberately withheld that. And then went out of their way to invalidate absolutely everything about the storyline we had been watching, as if it had never happened, as if we had imagined it all, and been foolish to believe in it in the first place.

Yes, I know, it’s only a story, but stories matter. We wouldn’t put nearly the effort and investment into them that we do as a culture if they didn’t. My story has never mattered before, and it meant something to me over the last 8 years that someone was telling it. So was this ending intended as a deliberate slap in my face, or was that collateral damage that the show simply did not care about?

The messages sent by our media are sometimes unintentional, but they are usually given at least some consideration. So I wonder what sort of message was trying to be sent by giving the gender non-comforming woman who dared to open her heart an immediate rejection, and have her then swear to serve a celibate organization for the rest of her life? Giving up her inheritance, her island, her own sworn vows to Sansa, and everything else she cared about? Am I meant to regard this as a happy ending, I wonder? Her feelings and dreams don’t matter, but hey, she has a position in the small council, so Girl Power! Was there a single woman anywhere involved in this production who might have pointed out how awful this is?

I understand that what’s done is done and there’s no fixing this, and complaining about it is pointless. But what I really want, what I wish for, is for somebody to confirm that at least at some point this was a love story, and that for whatever reason, network interference or showrunner decision or whatever it was, it was changed at the last minute. Just tell me that at some point the intent was real. To know that would be helpful. Because right now I feel like a stupid chump for ever believing that anybody wanted a woman like me to have a love story, and you cannot imagine how much that hurts.

#braime #brienne of tarth #jaime x brienne

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laughing-with-god · 5 years

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Pandemonium XI

Words; 3.4k

“I don’t want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.”

The tension in the room always seemed to follow Namjoon.

It was as if he carried the marvelous ability to take the thin air around him and bend it into a daunting aura. The very presence of him screamed alarm to others, an alpha just begging you to fuck with him. One found it a bit of a task to just meet his eye line.

You must admit, his little dialogue of his prediction of your ‘submissive’ side left a somewhat startled and taken aback feeling for you to process.

Surprisingly, he did make a point of you aggressive persona being a lot to upkeep. You weren’t sure if it was a defense mechanism or your personality, but you did feel a bit tired at times from having to keep a constant level of defiance. Perhaps you did have a problem showing vulnerability, and that’s why you act so bold; especially in the face of men.

You found yourself in a position you rarely were ever in; flabbergasted and strangled by silence as your mind struggled to keep up with what was just said.

Namjoon looked pleased, aristocratic features twisting up in a witty smile as if your confusion aided his pleasure. His dimples made an appearance and you felt your own face scrunch up into a scoff. How befitting was it for such an adorable feature to be plopped beside the very same lips that uttered such taboo topics at the dinner table?

His smile sparked some annoyance within you due to it revealing the satisfaction that his plan was working.

He wanted you to be freaking out right now.

He wanted you to feel exposed.

He wanted to plant a seed in your head.

You wouldn’t let him.

You leaned back in your seat and grabbed your glass to take a sip of whatever expensive wine he found necessary to splurge on. ‘Rich people’, you thought while barely suppressing an eye roll.

“You know Mr. Kim, I think that perhaps your little male ego just needs to feel vital. That’s why you enjoy the concept of being a girl’s ‘daddy’.”

A snark from his baritone voice. His olive tone hand reached out to mirror your actions by grasping his own glass of wine. “Charming analysis, really. Yet this doesn’t stem from a need to be in control and feel important. Like I stated before nymphet, it works both ways. You’d be just as vital to me as I am to you.”

“Be that as it may, don’t you think that forcing a submissive role onto someone is just manipulative?” You retorted.

“Not at all. Tell me babe, exactly when did I force any type of role onto you? In fact, I quite like you just as you are. I would be very bored if you were a utter doormat.”

You snorted at this. “And what exactly was that whole ted talk about your psychological analysis concerning my inner submissive side?”

“My meer suspicions. But let me ask you some questions.” A pause as if to wait for your objection. You stayed quiet. “Do you find it a negative that your partner would want to take care of your every need?”

You shook your head.

“Is it bad to depend on your partner?”

Another shake of the head.

“And will you admit that in relationships, one usually falls into a more assertive role while the other falls into a submissive role?”

A prolonged response, but you settled for a shrug.

“And you have a softer side, it’s just hidden under a facade of aggression.”

You placed your drink down quickly, and stuttered; “W-well, I wouldn’t say-” “No, no. That wasn’t a question.” His dark eyes glimmered with a knowing benevolence.

You face warmed on its’ own accord.

Logic was also something that was not wasted on this man by any means. It was like you were debating against a world class lawyer. You felt small and somewhat stupid, trapped by the brilliant diction to escape those plush lips of his. Of course, your immediate reaction was to yell and spark up another fight. He had tricked you.

Yet, you couldn’t. You would be proving him right.

Perhaps you were too stubborn. Maybe you were demonizing the idea of a dom/sub relationship. As you searched your mind for one valid reason to take a strong stance against it, you couldn’t.

“Are you two ready to order?” This broke your trance, causing you to look up and see the anxious waiter, pen and paper in hand.

You huffed and looked at Namjoon. “Order for me.”

Namjoon smirked, “No allergies to speak off?”

“Nope.”

Namjoon turned his attention to the waiter and informed him of the food that he would be expecting. Meanwhile, you attempted to drown yourself in that alcoholic grape juice that suddenly became all too interesting. Not noticing the very proud smirk Namjoon held.

“Any recent literature to capture my nymphet’s mind?”

You shoved another fork full into your mouth, not knowing whether or not to be happy that Namjoon did indeed order something you found very delicious. Not that you would ever tell him that, though.

“I finished Fitzgerald’s ‘This Side Of Paradise.’” You bluntly responded.

“And your thoughts?” Namjoon prodded.

“Amory Blaine was a player who got mad when he got played.”

Namjoon laughed, “Really now? I thought he was ahead of his time. When he met a woman who was finally of his wit and standard, she rejected him because she was too clever. Hell, Amory Blaine wouldn’t have married himself!”

“Sure, she was smart for dodging him and marrying someone rich. Yet, he didn’t have the right to bitch about it.”

“He got his heart broken.” Namjoon argued.

“He got his ego broken.” You disagreed, remembering the protagonists’ self-entitled rants of despair.

“We should have our own book club.” Namjoon suggested, seeming to enjoy the contrast of beliefs concerning classic novels.

“No thanks, I would rip your head off if I constantly had to hear your propaganda.” Chewing harshly on purpose, you glared straight ahead at him.

He smiled, amused by your lack of manners. “You’re a messy eater.”

You chewed louder, mouth open to get the sound effect as well.

“You know, you’re only proving me right by acting like a childish brat.” He smirked before passing you over a napkin. “If it were up to me, you would have gotten something from the kid’s menu and be eating out of kiddie plates and sippy cups.”

“I think you would find perfect companionship at a daycare if that’s what you would want to see someone eat out of.” You swallowed loudly, taking in sick satisfaction from Namjoons’ eyebrow twitch,

“Someone needs to teach you manners.” He stated.

“You’re right. Maybe Mr. Kim or Yoongi would be up for the job.” Using his brothers against him was cruel, but you couldn’t deny the opportunity to get under his skin.

He halted his movement to slice through his steak and looked up to bore his orbs into yours, “Don’t you dare mention those buffoons when you’re with me.”

“Why? Does it grind your gears to know that one of your brothers could be a more capable ‘daddy’ than you?” you couldn’t help but tease, feeling a level of power at finding a weak point at a seemingly powerful man.

A silence passed and his head bowed to cut through his steak, more precisely and harshly than he was mincing it before. You paused your consuming, partly startled at his sudden seriousness and lack of banter.

“Tell me something dear, were you spanked as a child?”

You choked, “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

He popped a dice of meat into his mouth to devour, “......because you’re about to be.”

Besides the obvious undertones of power-play, the dinner was perfectly adequate.

Namjoon held qualities that you would’ve liked in a partner; intelligent, gentlemanly, well-read, respectful and clever enough to uphold a repartee with you. He was one of the few people who you felt stimulated with by debating openly, one of the few people you respected as an equal footing with you. He challenged you. Some men you considered below you, knowing that their intentions were ill moraled and brains not nearly filled enough. Other men you considered to be of a different world, too out of touch to ever be a match to you. Similar to how you felt when your relationship first bloomed with Jimin, a man who should’ve never collided worlds with you.

But Namjoon was someone you felt rather comfortable with. After getting past the desperate swaying of dom/sub dynamics, you found yourself enjoying the company of the previously intimidating man. He entertained your thoughts on culture, music and even absurd analysis on how Oscar wilde was the ‘first gay king’ as you lovingly put it.

The meal was finished and he refused to beg for more of your time (something Jungkook or Jimin would’ve pulled.) He paid the bill with the help of a shiny black card, laid a crisp twenty dollar bill on the table and led you out of the restaurant whilst guiding you via an arm around your waist.

The car ride home was rather silent, the enchanting notes of Chopin played through the radio and draped an air of sophistication into the atmosphere. Neither of you spoke, yet it was far from awkward. It was more like a mutual agreement to appreciate a stillness after such engaging conversation.

He pulled into your dorm parking lot. Like an old fashioned bachelor, he exited his side to open the door for you and walk you to your door (or more like the dorm entrance).

“Was I satisfactory?” His deep voice rumbled, tone sounding more intimate as you were directly next to him...practically feeling the vibrations from his chest as he said his words.

You two continued your walk, however you were setting the pace. It was a slow walk, you had to admit, but you wanted to prolong the time and see how Namjoon would wrap the evening up. So it was your little secret that you took your time with calculated strides.

“Compared to what I thought was going to happen….yeah, I’m pleased.”

“And just what was your prediction?” He chuckled.

“I don’t know. Maybe you pulling a Cosby and taking me to a playroom or something.” You laughed.

“Your humor is too satirical love, people overhearing might not get the joke.” Namjoon pulled your form closer to him as a chilly wind passed through unexpectedly. You breathed deep and briefly wondered if it would be weird to ask just exactly how much this fucker drops on cologne alone.

‘He did tip a waiter like 20 dollars though….maybe I don’t wanna know.’

Sadly, you had approached the door and were forced to face him with goodbyes.

“Well...I’m glad you got to spend a night with a man instead of wasting it on a little boy.”

You rolled your eyes, and debated with whether or not you should say what has been bothering you on the drive over.

“A-are you going to teach me how a man kisses?” This indeed was the reason you had agreed to the date in the first place; Namjoon claiming to blow Jungkook’s boyish technique out of the water with a much more experienced mouth. It was something that was bubbling under the surface for you, making you prone to bursting if it wasn’t addressed.

Namjoon quirked his brow and rubbed the back of his neck, “I suppose, if that’s what the lady wants.”

You waited, holding your breath subconsciously.

He smirked and stepped closer to you, invading any realm of personal space. God, he was tall. You felt vulnerable but surprisingly….you didn’t feel any disgust towards this new feeling. It felt almost intimate to be so close to such a bigger frame than yours...

“Close your eyes.” He purred. You obeyed, you didn’t know why you did it without question...but you obeyed.

You waited for the feeling of his lips to touch yours.

Would his kisses be rough and alpha-like, like the domineering persona seen before?

Or would it be careful and elaborate, similar to his manners and mindset?

You felt his hand take yours.

You pursed your lips, not wanting to waste any time and cover the distance quickly.

You felt something warm and soft pucker against the back of your hand.

What?

You opened your eyes to witness something you weren’t expecting; Namjoon’s broad and receding back as he retreated towards the parking lot.

Rage spurred within you.

The fucker really just kissed your hand before trying to leave while you had your eyes closed and lips out like a fucking idiot?!

“What the fuck Namjoon?!” You called out, not caring how shrill and insane your own voice sounded as it echoed through the parking lot.

He raised one long arm to wave back, still not turning around to face you. “A real gentleman doesn’t kiss on the first date babygirl.”

You breathed in.

Your breathed out.

“YOU MANIAC! YOU CAN TALK ABOUT BDSM OVER DINNER BUT CAN’T EVEN PECK ME?! ‘DADDY’ MY ASS! YOUR BROTHERS WOULDN’T TREAT ME LIKE THIS!” You hollered as Namjoon got into his car, not once acknowledging your temper tantrum and starting up the vehicle to drive away.

You heard a window open as a college student poked their head out to see what was going on. “What the fuck are you yelling for? People are trying to sleep!”

You looked up and flipped the anonymous peer off while taking out your keys to enter the dorm.

The Kim brothers were an interesting breed, you decided.

You laid in bed, scrolling through your phone as you awaited sleep to come.

When you had got home, Kat was nowhere to be seen and you were left with the dorm to yourself. She did mention a study dat before so you weren’t too concerned.

You decided to wash up and turn in, knowing how early your first class was tomorrow.

A notification popped up on the top of your screen, halting your browsing.

It was a text from Namjoon.

‘I fell in love with her courage,

Her sincerity and her flaming self respect.

And it’s these things I’d believe in,

Even if the world indulged in wild suspicions

That she wasn’t all that she should be.

I love her and that is the beginning of everything.’ ~F. Scott Fitzgerald’

Did he really sent you a poem?

You spent about ten minutes reading the words over and over again, letting it warm your heart as you pictured Namjoon’s long fingers typing it down and thinking of you. It was easy for you to connect the dots given one of the his favorite topics was your submission to him. However, this poem hinted that he was not at all turned off by your aggression and bratiness. Even if the world didn’t think think you were proper, your flaming self respect earned Namjoon’s fondness of you. And like the last line said….

This was only the beginning.

You fell asleep with a smile upon your face.

Perhaps if you had looked up the horoscope for your astrological sign, it would’ve warned you of just exactly how cursed this day was about to be. Maybe even told you to stay your ass home.

Sadly, you had to discover this bad fortune the hard way by treading out into the very world itself.

First, you woke up late and thus had very little time to get pretty. Not only did you burst into your first class about 15 minutes late, but you also looked like a hot mess.

Then, you realized that you forgot to charge your laptop last night. Meaning, all notes were now going to have to painstakingly be taken by hand. This would have been longer and more carpal-tunnel themed but god decided to strike upon you even harder by making that pen explode on you, ink now staining your shirt.

And the final nail in the coffin was in your early afternoon class. Your professor was handing back grades on the most recent paper to be turned in, one that you have worked very hard on and missed sleep over.

And what did you get?

A big, bright, red ‘F’.

Red was a hideous color, you concluded. Maybe that’s why teachers used it? To make the letter grade look angry and disappointed. It worked like a charm given the more you stared at it, the more heavy the guilt and inner-turmoil felt on your chest.

You had enough of this day.

You looked like shit.

Felt like shit.

And apparently your quality as a student was utter shit.

There was a silver lining, and in a facade optimism you tried to focus on it and nothing else.

You only had one more class to suffer through today, after that you were perfectly free to wallow the rest of the 24 hours in bed with whatever items to satisfy a pity party.

But while walking on campus to your next class, you had caught sight of something.

A group of guys were lurking by the entrance to your next class.

The closer you approached, the more clearer their faces became.

It was a fuck boy pack, about five in total. They were excitedly talking with one another, some even rough housing with those enlarged limbs of theirs. You rolled your eyes and continued your stride, not wanting to pause and give them any more inspection. All you had to do was pass them and get into the classroom.

A boisterous roar that made you jump, the sound coming from the group itself (which now appeared to be like a group of wild hyenas).

You turned to see what the fuck can be such cause for such foolish hollering.

Only to see one of the guys pointing right at you while the others turned to face the direction.

And what face was among them?

Jungkook.

The scene was reminiscent of ‘Mean Girls’.

When Lindsey Lohan ate her lunch in the bathroom because she had no one to sit with.

You were just like her.

Instead, you weren’t eating lunch so much as you were bawling your eyes out.

A girl could only take so much, you know?

After you saw Jungkook among them, you snapped right back around to head to a bathroom. Not wanting him to bear witness to your now red face and watery eyes.

You promised yourself that you were just heading to the restroom for a second to process what just happened. Not to mention you also wanted to avoid them. However the more you tried to process it from within the claustrophobic stall of yours, the more unbearable the situation became.

Paranoia clawed at you and it quickly became apparent that either way, it wasn’t looking good for you.

What the fuck did Jungkook tell them about you?

Did he also tell them about your night together?

Did he tell them that you were a poor commoner willing to set aside self-respect for the wealth of sugar daddies?

Just how much did he expose of your intimate side to his bros for the sake of a laugh?

Although Jungkook was the proud owner of doe eyes, iron man socks and IU posters….he still hung out with jocks and wore too much axe spray to be allowed. Foolish it was to place any trust on a man like that. If he wanted to let the whole school know of your dirty little secret, he would have all the proof and popularity on his side.

You sniffled.

You knew that today in general just wasn’t a good day for you. Over-sensitivity was a given. But did being aware of your wounded heart make the pain go away any less? No. Of course not.

You just felt so...small. Hopeless. Meek. Like prey to anyone and anything that wanted to hurt you today.

And you craved protection of any sort.

Your eyes released more tears and another sob broke through your seemingly paper-thin chest. Just when exactly did you work yourself into a incomprehensive hysteria? You didn’t know.

Working on auto-pilot, you felt your own hand reach for your phone and swiftly click a contact name, tears dropping onto the screen before you put it to your ear.

A ring as you called the person.

He picked up on the second one.

“Hello?” his deep voice greeted.

“Daddy! Please get me….I-I’m scared.” you pleaded, not understanding the words that left your mouth until it was much too late.

Namjoon was taken aback on the other line.

Maybe the submissive side wasn’t so hidden afterall.

(Sorry I haven’t touched this fic in a long time....Im trash. tbh I hit a writers block and found nam kinda intimidating to write for. Is it obvious I haven’t written this story in a long time lmao? I have an outline though for the next few chapters so we should get back on track. Im very proud of the other stories I put out tho so if you haven’t yet, please check those out. Ask my character is available, tell me your thoughts on this chapter and I’ll catch you guys on the flippity flop.)

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bbq-hawks-wings · 5 years

Note

Deku!

I know it’s been a while, but this ask was in response to a post I put out asking others to give me characters from HeroAca other than Hawks to stretch my character analysis skills to see what theories, predictions, or just interesting observations I find. Because this is outside the realm of my usual character subjects and my style may not be well known in this tag - I ramble and am long-winded, hence the cut to not be obnoxious to scroll past. As a manga reader I won’t add any information past the anime’s run so far if you’re curious and want to hear what I have to say.

Deku’s an interesting character to look at in the series because compared to the way we find out about literally every other character, we outright know what he’s thinking or what he’s doing or how he’s feeling, so any development we see from him we pretty much see it coming from a mile away. He’s an open book.

In contrast, not many fans were able to see how Aoyama may have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy over his abilities - particularly in the Sports Festival Arc; and this became obvious with the license exam in season 3, but the point goes that while many fans saw it coming, there were those who weren’t able to read between the lines and saw him as a two-dimensional joke character meant to fill up the class roster up to that point.

We don’t really have that level of mystery or uncertainty with Deku. As the main viewpoint into the series and the world Horikoshi is building, we’re basically experiencing everything that’s happening vicariously through Deku. Yet, it’s not like there’s no room for theories, specularization, or characterization with his character. I’ve already said I’m avoiding spoilers so theories and most speculation are out of the question as I can only vaguely hint that there’s some potentially neat thematic parallels beginning to be explored in part through him, but that’s about as many of the beans I can spill without dumping out the whole thing.

I had some neat stuff to talk about before I actually sat down and started writing this and realized so much of it was spoiler-y; but at least in way of my opinions on Deku, I haven’t actively rooted for the main anime protagonist like this in a while and his likeability is off the charts. That said, he’s not a stellar role model just yet, mainly due to his hero complex. We’ll see some of the nuance of this subject explored in the next season, but by and large Deku’s drive to save people can use some level-headed reigning in before he acts. There are many times where his action is completely appropriate and justified - almost always when there’s someone right in front of him that needs saving; and let me make it perfectly clear that the unyielding drive to help someone in distress is a positive quality through and through; but when he goes out of his way to break the rules and disregards the repercussions in order to save someone I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t gotten in much bigger trouble so far what with his history of it at this point. That’s all to say that he’s a loose canon in the series so far and needs more experience before he’s real top hero material.

However, I don’t think this lone wolf mentality is what Horikoshi is trying to glorify or endorse through the series. My guess is that the series as a whole is philosophically leaning towards the Good Samaritan principle. (I said I wasn’t theorizing, but I guess I’m a liar now.)

If you aren’t familiar with the story of the Good Samaritan, it’s a parable in the Bible Jesus told about doing the right thing in helping others, no matter who you or the other person is - even if under normal circumstances the person you’re helping would despise you. This story is so iconic that there’s a type of law named after it - The Good Samaritan Law. (And if you’re unfamiliar with it you should read it and the other parables in the Bible, they’re not just moral tales but might get you good points on an English/Literature essay if you reference them well.)

It differs from place to place and not all countries have them, but the principle is if you think someone is in immediate danger and you attempt to save them they can’t turn around and sue you for “wrongdoing.” For example, if you see a baby or an animal locked in a car on a hot day and you smash the windows to pull them out and get them cooled down, whoever owns that car can’t sue you for smashing their windows and damaging their car. There’s a lot more nuance and fine print, but that’s the basic idea. In many cases where this law exists it actually legally obligates the bystander to help. The hope is that these laws help reduce the Bystander Effect (really neat if you look it up, but also scary and very humbling) and encourage people to help those in imminent danger without fear of negative repercussions.

Something I didn’t quite realize until now is that with the advent of a superhuman society, the Good Samaritan Principle is largely done away with all the way across the globe. Even if people are in active, life-threatening danger, you can’t use your powers to step in unless you have a hero license or you risk getting in serious legal trouble. To an extent this is understandable in a precarious and delicate situation - just look at the precision called for in the second half of the Provisional License Exam; but it occurred to me that not only are everyday people discouraged from getting directly involved they’re actively penalized if they do! If a hero was already on the case or shows up while you stall for time it makes sense to not insert yourself and complicate matters - you wouldn’t get in the middle of a hostage negotiation, for instance. Yet, that’s not what we see reflected in the series. There’s an over-saturation of heroes to the general public so that there’s almost always a hero close by to swoop in which rarely ever leaves an opening for someone else to step in while a hero is on their way; and the problem with this is that it leads to an over-dependence on heroes to intervene in other’s lives instead of taking the responsibility into one’s own hands as a citizen of the community.

This has repercussions that are directly echoed across the series, even (and especially) up to date. If you’re not a hero, you’re supposed to step back and let a “professional” handle it. If there’s truly no “Good Samaritan” exception in the world of HeroAca then that really gives Deku a solid ideal to embody and work towards in his world. He outright inspired All Might at the beginning of the series because he demonstrated the Good Samaritan Principle when rescuing Bakugo.

“It doesn’t matter that he hates me and bullies me and steps on my dreams. It doesn’t matter that I’m not a hero and can’t even stand up for myself. It doesn’t even matter that I don’t have any kind of superpower to use in this situation. He’s in danger and if I don’t do something now he’ll die! I can’t let that happen, and I won’t let that happen!”

That’s literally the parable in a nutshell. He even gets reprimanded for it after the fact, but he certainly doesn’t apologize for it. Deku is the personification of the “hero’s heart.” It’s recklessly helping others when they need help, and the moment he recognizes that someone is lashing out in pain (a la Todoroki or Shinsou or even Bakugo) he instantly recognizes that even though they may be against him in the moment and that threat needs to be reigned in, they’re still as much in need of saving as someone falling from a building. While All Might deterred crime through threat of force, Deku is on track to deter them before they even get to that place at all, and his character is making a case of normalizing this mentality instead of drawing black and white lines in the sand and chasing the symptoms of the disease rather than the cause. (I’m literally having a big brain moment typing this, “All Might-y power” in one generation vs “Deku” as someone who might normally be worthless but only needs a nudge to become “Dekiru/ I-can-do-it!”)

It’s a theme resonating through the series about how heroism and villainy both have roots in the heart, and while there are threats that have to be dealt with in the immediate and physical, there’s still an emotional and psychological component that has not only gone unaddressed for too long but is directly responsible for the surge of villains in society. You can already see it in so many of the League of Villains’ members (and some of the more troubled heroes) - if someone had been there to reach out their hand and metaphorically save them when they personally needed it in their lives (“It’s okay, I’m here.”) then they probably never would have become bad guys in the first place.

When all’s said and done, I think that’s the point of Deku’s character in the story, why he’s the main character, and why he’s going to be the greatest hero in the world.

~~~~~

Wow, that was more satisfying to write than I thought it would be. And to you, Momo and Uraraka anon, I have heard your question and I am trying to get it out soon. I just have… Much work to do.

After that, though, I hope to open HC requests again soon!

#deku bnha #deku mha #she writes #bnha meta #mha meta #bnha deku #mha deku #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #spoiler free

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makeste · 5 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 206: The Third Set Concludes

Previously on BnHA: Team TodoIidaShoujiRo battled Team TetsuHonePonySen TO THE DEATH, apparently. Shouto lost his fucking mind and went all out with his flames and set the whole fucking place on fire. But somehow Chintetsu was able to withstand it without fucking melting, and held his ground until Honenuki showed up and knocked Shouto unconscious with a falling streetlight pole. This was after he singlehandedly took out Ojiro and Shouji. It honestly looked like that was it for Team A, but then Iida zoomed back over and drop-kicked Honenuki in the face. He tried to carry Shouto to safety, but before they could make it to the clear, Honenuki (who conveniently stayed conscious just long enough to do this) melted the base of a big industrial chimney and told Tetsu to knock it down, which he did, right on top of Iida. So Iida is now dead, Todoroki is still unconscious and probably dying of hyperthermia, Honenuki is concussed, and congratulations Deku, I’ve finally gotten over that one fight where you systematically broke all your own fingers one by one, because this shit makes that look like a tickle fight.

Today on BnHA: With four students dead or dying before their eyes, the teachers opt to sit back and wait to see how the final moments of the battle will play out. Shouji, Ojiro, and Pony engage in a frantic struggle which results in Pony capturing Ojiro and tying up the score at 1-1. She then proceeds to wait out the clock, knowing that she can’t try to capture one of the other downed Team A kids without putting her own unconscious teammates at risk. So the deathmatch ends in a draw of all things, and the teachers generously decide to forego debriefing the kids for now in favor of getting them all some medical treatment before they actually do kick the bucket. Over in Recovery Girl’s office, Shouto, Iida, and Honenuki all bond over somehow feeling like they didn’t do enough, until RG kicks them all out, probably to call child protective services or something. The long-awaited fourth set then begins, and Team BakuJirouSatouSero gets ready to kick some ass. Bakugou is all “DEKU, JUST WATCH ME!” and I don’t know about Deku, but I’m all set for this. Get out there and show ‘em how it’s done, kiddo.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 223, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

lol for fuck’s sake

your teachers love you, children. I think

wow Iida is still conscious

“ow,” he says. I really don’t think Horikoshi knows how crushing injuries work

so now poor Iida is apologizing to the unconscious Todoroki and wishing he had been just one step faster

on the plus side, at least you weren’t one step slower. that would have been real bad

Vlad is gleefully saying that because Sen put up so much resistance, he successfully delayed Iida long enough for this chain of events to take place

Aizawa is chiding Vlad for his biased reporting. yes, Aizawa. that’s what you should be getting upset about here. got those priorities down pat

Mina says that if the status quo remains the same, class A will hold onto its 1-0 lead and win, but that doesn’t match up with my recollection of events. Shouji and Ojiro were captured by Honenuki, presumably

or maybe not, because now we’re cutting back to Shouji who’s in the midst of battling things out with Pony

now we’re flashing back to see how this all came about, and I’m just gonna post it rather than try to sum it up

(ETA: in fairness to Shouto and Honenuki who have so far bore the brunt of my sarcastic ranting for taking things too far, let’s not overlook this scene where Ojiro is all “even if you stab me!!!” and Pony is like “okay!” and actually does stab him. hero training. fun times!)

holy shit, she took him out even when it was two against one. damn, Pony

so okay, apparently the score is tied now at 1-1

jesus christ Pony is quickly becoming the fourth-quarter MVP out here

by the way, I thought all the melted stuff was supposed to go back to normal after Honenuki passed out, so why does it still look the same? did it just harden again while still looking like that?

(ETA: I guess it must have. I have some questions now about how effective Honenuki would be in a situation where he actually had to try and keep property damage to a minimum. maybe tone it down just a bit in the future.)

but anyway, so if Pony can capture Todoroki and prevent A Team from nabbing Tetsu and Honenuki until the clock expires, they’ll win

but she’s worried she won’t be able to keep this up

I BELIEVE IN YOU PONY

I can’t believe Shouji is going to fucking blow it for the entire A Team. goddamn it Shouji

oh snap!

(ETA: whoops I originally had the wrong picture here. fixed!)

this is why Deku wants to be able to fly so badly. flying solves everything

aaand time is expiring!

wow I did not see this coming

I can’t believe all these kids nearly killed themselves over a stupid training match that ultimately ended in a fucking draw of all things

I hope Recovery Girl drops a big smokestack on Aizawa and Vlad to see how they like it. for fuck’s sake

Kaminari is griping about how it’s not fair, but Shishida’s pointing out that what Pony did was a logical course of action. “running away and awaiting rescue”

yep. and on top of that, she did capture two members of the other team as well; she just didn’t make it back to Rat Principal Jail within the time limit

oh snap a wild IidaRaka moment!

from this angle we can all agree he would have 100% been crushed to death, yes?

anyway, I love how Ochako is always so considerate of his feelings. he doesn’t have enough people looking out for his mental state like that. Ochako is such a good friend and the two of them are so adorable I swear

damn, I was kind of looking forward to that. Shouto and Tetsu need to be chewed out for being reckless idiots, Honenuki needs to get his props (and also be chewed out), and Aizawa needs to seriously question what the hell Ojiro and Shouji were even doing that entire time

Deku says Iida was really cool out there, and WASN’T HE, THOUGH? he also needs to get lots of props! I should have called it Team IidaRoki because he was the true leader as it turns out. same with Team HoneTetsu

LOL

oh hey there Shouto

you’re not you when you’re hungry

god can you imagine. turns out he went off the fucking tracks like that just because he didn’t have a big enough lunch. forgot to eat his Soba O’s this morning

and it looks like Tetsu is also on his way out, but before he leaves he’s magnanimously telling Shouto that they match may have been a draw, but as far as he’s concerned he lost

meanwhile as far as I’m concerned, you both lost and need psychological evaluations

“let’s do this again sometime” oh jesus. they have learned nothing

time for some IidaRoki bonding!

you’re like fucking lightspeed you maniac. once you learn to control this shit you’ll be the fucking Flash. you’re like the only guy in this fight who actually crushed it, don’t be so hard on yourself kid

Shouto says Iida saved him though. and that he’s the one who screwed up

he says he could have attacked with his fire to begin with, but he’s gotten into a bad habit of opening with an ice attack

should I even bother at this point with the whole pointing-out-that-lethal-attacks-are-bad-for-so-many-obvious-reasons-though thing? I feel like I have more than established my feelings about that by this point. so I’ll just leave it

anyway, he says that Iida was plenty fast and he was the one who was too slow

okay, I don’t know about “slow”, but I am always here for baby Shouto flashbacks, flashbacks of the kids as young children admiring All Might, and moments where the kids decide they want to become heroes who can put everyone at ease! there is so much goodness in this scene, oh my god

IIDA STOP

YOU NEED TO COOL IT WITH THE USUAL HAND GESTURES FOR NOW OMG

does this count as another Hand Crusher incident. Shouto. what say you

anyway so Iida’s looking all thoughtful and renewing his own hero vows

I said vows as a joke but the way he says it really does sound just that formal and rehearsed though, doesn’t it?

LMAO

so as a result of this fight we’ve established that the hierarchy here is Iida = Honenuki > Todoroki. who could have seen this coming

lmao this kid is waaaaaay too fucking modest

well it’s nice to see that everyone is becoming friends

awww

these are good boys. stupid, but good

and now Recovery Girl is kicking them all out

AND YESSSS, NOW IT’S FINALLY THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

THE FOURTH SET!!!

YOU HEARD HIM SATOU SHUT YOUR TRAP!! IF HE SAYS IT’LL WORK IT’LL WORK!

lmao you guys. I don’t know if I’m gonna get much sleep tonight, because Bakugou is gonna have a fight. a real fight. that’s not against six-year-olds

Monoma is also excited!

okay but back-against-the-wall is exactly the type of situation that you never, ever, ever want to be up against Bakugou in

(ETA: he will shoot you in the fucking face.)

Monoma says he’s been looking forward to the 4th set, but unlike me he’s been looking forward to it because of Tokage! I don’t know who Tokage is, but hopefully they’re a good opponent! class B better be bringing that A game now! we don’t like to half-ass our wins!

OH NO

SUDDENLY I AM ALSO ROOTING FOR TOKAGE MAYBE LOL

EXCEPT NO! BECAUSE!!

EXCUSE ME WHAT. “DEKU, JUST WATCH ME”? LISTEN HERE MISTER, YOU CAN’T JUST GET ALL FIRED UP WITH YOUR EXCITED READY-FOR-BATTLE GRIN WHILE THINKING ABOUT DEKU WITHOUT ANY WARNING, YOUNG MAN. YOU WANT DEKU TO SEE HOW COOL YOU ARE, IS THAT IT. YOU CAN’T FUCKING WAIT

DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE WHO’S WATCHING. FORGET SHOWING OFF IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDHOOD HERO, ALL MIGHT, THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT DEKU’S WATCHING. and you’ve gone from being annoyed by his constant attention to fucking loving it, haven’t you. who here is the real shithead, though

also, guess who’s also fucking loving this. YEAH, IT’S ME. THAT’S RIGHT

Kacchan’s smiles are fucking contagious. like, this cocky, determined grin of his makes me also somehow feel cocky and determined. that’s some fucking charisma. that’s the type of shit that gets you to the top, kid. omg. let’s do this

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oppressiveliberator · 5 years

Note

Topic Meme: His mental state (I’m curious, seeing as he thought my very-real muse was a hallucination)

Send Me A Topic To Write Meta On!

Ghetsis is well into his 60′s approximately--which honestly, according to my father’s nurses and such, wasn’t that old. Nonetheless, the guy’s had two severe psychological breakdowns resulting in stress-induced strokes. A stroke cuts off the oxygen to parts of your brain and when that part eventually suffocates or is otherwise heavily damaged from lack of oxygen, I’m sure you can imagine what that’ll do to somebody’s body let alone someone’s brain.

On top of that, there’s the dementia. That’s why he perceived Brett as a hallucination at first--Brett was out of place in an otherwise normal setting, a child he didn’t recognize in his hiding place. Normally the Shadow Triad prevent any intruders or threats from getting anywhere near the hideaway, assuming one even stumbles into the magic slip space that puts you on the same plane of existence as it in the first place. So. Strange child where a strange child would, logically, not be? Probably a hallucination.

(A lot of rambling under the cut, talk of mental illness, physical illness, disability, real life parental death. . .just a lot of stuff, probably a lot of nonsense, some of it a mite personal as a former caretaker. I’d’ve put icons in to space things out but. I’m kinda tired after writing all of this lmao also I have to fast for a thing tomorrow so I’m just gonna. Head off once I post this and gets oem rest.TL;DR: google ‘symptoms of dementia’ and ‘effects of stroke’ and you’ll get a good idea of Ghetsis’s mental state at any given point in time.)

At least a small child is the least of his hallucinations. He has them now and then, or otherwise misperceives reality or misspeaks about his perceptions, and they can vary from little things to big things. They’re usually nothing major--something is there that isn’t or he hears sounds that aren’t real. Sometimes he sees people or his mind misproccesses one person or thing as another(sometimes he refers to the Shadow Triad as N, Anthea, and Concordia for example) and he just kinda rolls with it sometimes.

Other times he tries to ignore it until it goes away or tries to ‘fix it’ one way or another. Major things are more along the lines of that he’s displaced from where he actually is, is floating, his environment is drastically changing--stuff that majorly impacts his ability to proceed. But it’s usually like. Galvantula crawling on him or voices and things like that. Stuff that you might notice him responding to, but that can be dismissed or that he shrugs off.

If he hallucinates something detailed and realizes it(because, y’know, it doesn’t make sense, for example,) he usually just rolls with it until it ends--his mind doesn’t take well to being ignored or dismissed and can ratchet up the awful if it isn’t acknowledged, hence why he decided ‘well, there’s a hallucination child here, i’d better just acknowledge him’ lol.

In general, Ghetsis’s memory is not good. Oftentimes it’s inconsistent--sometimes he remembers some things but not others, sometimes he remembers everything, sometimes he doesn’t even know who he is. Now and then he’ll remember things in one state of mind, forget them in another, and if he goes back to the previous state of mind or a different one, he has no problem remembering the previous thing. But he has no control over this. While he mostly remembers more recent years events, he might struggle with some before them--or he might randomly drop one memory or process or another.

Sometimes these memory lapses result in things like not remembering what year it is and as such not knowing how old he is. He may interpret himself as being younger because his mind just. . .receded back to that point in his understanding. If you ask him where he is, he might say he’s at the Harmonia Estate even though that’s completely off base. He’ll give you a radically incorrect number if asked for his age. He’ll say he has no children. He won’t remember what Team Plasma is.

Sometimes his mind reconciles things like his height in relation to other people and things and he doesn’t question them at all. For example, he could see N and his mind says ‘that’s Natural. That’s your son.’ but rather than ‘he’s in his early 20′s. he’s the hero of ideals. he betrayed you. he abandoned you. you hate him. you miss him. you wish you had your son back’ his process says ‘he’s seven years old. he’s just learning to read. he learned to do a cartwheel yesterday. he’s having a hard time with the studies Gorm is going through with him, but for now he’s okay with the others. He falls down everytime he gets on his skateboard but he always laughs and gets back on it’ and he’ll treat N as though he’s a child. He’ll acknowledge that N is getting big or getting heavy if he has to acknowledge his appearance, but his mind’ll just kinda. Make that make sense to him.

There’s not really any way to snap him out of this--sometimes he can be led back to a proper psychological state, other times you’ve just gotta wait it out. Ideally, let him sleep and he’ll be better when he wakes up.

There are days where he’s in clearly awful condition. Sometimes he can’t talk or acknowledge anything, just completely unresponsive. Other times it seems like nothing was ever wrong with his mind in the first place.

As you can imagine, that’s mostly just processing things. . .his already horrifically inconsistent personality that he changes to befit the situation and person he’s speaking to is now even more inconsistent and he’s got little to no control over it. Oftentimes he’ll be himself to some degree. Other times he might be horrifically depressed or lost and reclusive or sorry and miserable. . .sometimes he’ll be emotional and wild--and he’ll lash out aggressively if anybody tries to help him, even if he clearly needs it. He might not remember his interests or his relationships with people or be able to focus. . .he’s all over the place, although I’m still kinda tentative about portraying it.

A lot of it is inspired by my dad and his condition when he was alive and I was taking care of him. So while sometimes I may laugh at it sometimes or occasionally use it for comedic effect, honestly part of me does want to portray a lot of these struggles he has realistically--but I’m also a very ‘laugh at everything because what else are you gonna do be miserable all the time?’ type of person(or i try to be--I find it important to see the comedy in everything because honestly life is ridiculous and there’s no reason not to laugh at it or enjoy it as long as you also accept the severity of it) and I worry I’d portray something too comically or be interpreted as making a joke even when I’m not.

. . .But, yeah, Ghetsis’s brain is fucked up basically. Look up what happens to stroke or seizure patients and the effects of dementia and you’ll get a decent grasp of what it’s like to be my Ghetsis in the present day.

Despite it all, he’s still Ghetsis. . .but between age and arrogance and madness, he’s lost a lot of his ability to give a fuck and he just. Does whatever he wants within his ability. Boundaries? Filters? Often completely absent. So sometimes he’s Ghetsis--master manipulator, King in personality and intentions, regal and serious and calm and strategic and careful and classy and elegant and deceptive--and sometimes he’s Ghetsis--Professional Fuck-Upper of Shit who constantly has Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder playing in his own head who just does whatever and exists to piss people off and have fun. But the thing is? Ghetsis has always been somebody even his closest people couldn’t tell the personality of. What he’s like, who he is, it escaped even the sages. It escaped everybody that this man was evil for literal years.

So in a weird way, he’s exactly the same. . .just a little more extreme and spiteful. Normally he’s a liar because it helps him fit smoothly into society without suspicion, but now sometimes he’s brutally honest and you realize how disturbed he is, how fucked what happens in his head is.

. . . . . .And yet. He’s bounced back from so many things before. He’s been a radically confusing and difficult and inconsistent person before.

Sometimes you can’t help but think ‘this is a trick too.’

Either way. . .he’s a mess. You’ll almost always still be able to see that he’s Ghetsis in his thoughts and actions and words, but sometimes he’s. . .different. Sometimes that’s just Extra Ghetsis, and sometimes you see what’s beneath the Narcissism and he cries and apologizes and struggles and lets himself be helped and asks for help and says he just wanted to help let him help how can he help he doesn’t want to be useless he doesn’t want to be broken let him prove he exists and functions even if it’s just to himself. Better yet, let him die. He can’t live like this anymore. He’s not living. He hasn’t been living for years, he’s a broken, worthless entity and he just doesn’t want to be anymore. Those’re still rare sides of him to see--you’re more likely to get completely unresponsive, mute, dissociative, confused old man type Ghetsis than self-loathing Ghetsis who regrets his actions and who he is and has been and what he’s done.

But yeah. Ghetsis’s mental state is. Not great! It’s much worse than he lets on most of the time! His physical state is pretty poor, too, although that varies too. Some days he can walk without assistance, some days he needs his cane, a walker, a wheelchair, some days he’s bedbound completely and if he tries to use his leg(s) he’ll just wind up falling down. Sometimes he can speak with little to no problem, sometimes he can’t do anything but mutter nonsensically, sometimes he can’t even make sounds. He’s just. . .not well. But somehow he’s still recovering. One could suppose it’s simply because he’s Ghetsis and he’s always been a little. . .powerful. Ethereal. Magical. Special. A cut above the rest.

Like my dad, he’s been told or had his caretakers told many, many times he probably wouldn’t make it more than a few years, months, weeks, he’d be lucky if he lived through the night.

But Yveltal be damned, he’s still here.

And he’s gonna be here for a while, I imagine.

If he gets his way, he’ll be here forever.

#medical cw///#disability cw///#ask to tag #long post #History | Who’d Ever Dream A Child As Sweet As I Seemed Would Be The Source Of So Much Pain And Strife #About | I'm Finished Making Sense Done Pleading Ignorance #Personal | If I Show You Then I Know You Won’t Tell What I Said Cause Two Can Keep A Secret If One Of Them Is Dead #Headcanon | The Horror That He Brings The Horror Of His Sting The Unholiest Of Kings #OOC | In Your Head In Your Head They Are Fighting #((/flops))#abib918 #((thank you very much for the ask❣))

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cannyouuhearmenoww · 5 years

Text

I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

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blackcoffeeandteardrops · 6 years

Text

I wrote a Tony/Pepper fic! It turned out way more domestic/sweet than I originally intended it to be, but hey, I won’t complain. Under the cut but also available at AO3 for those interested.

The pale glow coming from a tablet resting in Tony’s lap was enough to make out the lines on his face. Pepper stood just out of his line of sight, watching as he tapped away, rubbing his forehead with his free hand as he clearly struggled with whatever it was he was working on. She knew it had to do with bringing everyone back, and she knew since he’d come stumbling through the door that morning that he planned on getting to work right away, and given what little information she’d been able to glean from him, she couldn’t be surprised. Still, she thought, quietly padding over to the couch where he sat, there was a small part of her that had hoped he wouldn’t set out to work so soon. “It’s four a.m.,” she whispered, settling into the cushions and resting her head against his shoulder.

“I came out here to work because I was afraid I’d wake you, but I guess I failed at that, too,” he replied, momentarily stilling his actions in favor of putting his arm around her, pulling her closer as if it were even possible, all the while reeling from the fact that not even twenty four hours earlier he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to do so again.

“Tony, please don’t talk like that. I woke up on my own, and when you weren’t there…” Pepper paused, shaking her head as she darted her tongue out to moisten parched lips. She ghosted her hand over her still flat stomach, reveling over what silently grew inside. Tony had mentioned the baby, half heartedly, and she’d immediately dismissed the idea at the time. But once he’d left--she laughed at the thought, as if being transported via portal was something people experienced everyday--she’d got to thinking, not just of him, but of the fact she was late. It was impossible, right? They’d been careful, although not entirely so, given the multiple positives on the tests she’d performed. The ship in the sky, quickly followed by the phone call that lost reception, had made her afraid he’d never get the chance to know the truth. He’d smiled when she told him, and the tears in his eyes weren’t just due to everyone they’d lost. “I realize how impractical it may be of me to ask this right now, but are you okay?”

He lowered his gaze to the tablet in his lap, debating how best to respond. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s like it’s happening all over again. I watched people just...dissolve...right in front of me. And Parker,” he said, shaking his head and he clenching his jaw. Telling May what had happened hadn’t been easy, and there had been yelling which he supposed he deserved, but he’d swore to her and to himself that he’d find a way to bring Peter back if it was the last thing he did. “He was supposed to go back home, Pep. He was--”

“You can’t think about that right now,” Pepper replied, sitting up straighter and planting a kiss against his temple. She cupped his cheek, urging him to look at her, waiting until he did to speak. “I know how crazy this may seem, but you can’t save the universe in one night. You just got back, and--”

“I promised May that I’d bring Peter back, okay? And it’s not just him. It’s everyone. Thanos has disappeared and I haven’t been able to track him yet, but once I do?” Tony replied, letting out a sigh. He felt heavy, weighted down with all that he’d done and all that he’d yet to do. He raised a hand to pull hers away from his face, curling their fingers together and bringing them to rest against her stomach. “I have to fix this world before we bring a new child into it. Our child. We’re parents.”

“I’m aware,” Pepper replied, nodding drowsily, relieved at the temporary reprieve of the somber mood that seemed to emanate from him ever since he’d returned. She couldn’t say she blamed him, given everything they’d gone through. “I can’t believe you were right, by the way.”

“Yeah, well, when am I wrong?” Tony replied, quirking an eyebrow as he looked back at her. “Actually, on second thought, don’t answer that.”

Pepper laughed, the sound bubbling from her lips, figuratively lighting up the darkened room. “Do you really believe you can do it? Defeat him and bring everyone back?”

“You don’t?” he asked, realizing only after he’d spoken that he was afraid of the answer. They’d been in a good place before he’d left, and not just with the sudden engagement. They’d been talking, communicating more effectively, and he hated to think that after it all she could possibly doubt him.

“Tony, no,” she insisted, holding the hand that rested on her stomach tighter when he tried pulling away. “That isn’t what I meant, and you know it. All I was getting at is the fact there’s more at risk now. You’re going to be a father, and I know you were excited at the prospect before, but it’s real. It’s happening. And if you run off or...well, fly off in some ship to another godforsaken planet, or a decimated part of this one, you’re putting more than just your own future at risk. So unless you’re absolutely certain that whatever plan you have will work?” she asked, her voice growing shaky as she grappled with the very real fear of never seeing him again. “Please, just tell me you have help. You can’t do this alone, no matter how much you might want to.”

Tony opened his mouth, ready to deny the truth she so tactfully called him out on, but he knew that she was right. “Those of us that are left are going to come up with a plan. We’ll train as best as we can, work as hard as we have to--”

“Who is we exactly?” Pepper asked. She traced a mark that would surely become a scar on his face, no matter how hard he’d tried to patch it up. “And by the way? Don’t think I’ve forgotten the fact you casually mentioned you were stabbed earlier. No amount of nanotechnology or new tech can keep you fully safe. I personally feel you’d be better off getting checked out by a doctor, but considering the upheaval this place is in, the hospital may not be the safest place. But I still think--”

“I know, I hear you, honey. I do. And I’ll go, if that’s what you want. But see?” Tony said, raising his shirt enough to reveal his abdomen and an area that looked red and a little angry, but was barely more than a flesh wound. He smiled, shrugging his shoulders, hoping it was enough for now. “Good as new. Almost.”

She glanced at the scar, dubious, but decided to leave well enough alone. There would be time enough in the future to repair whatever wounds--physical, psychological, and otherwise--that remained. Still, the memory of people dissolving into dust around her was a sight she would not soon forget. Pepper closed her eyes, feeling hot tears threaten to fall, and she drew a shaky breath. “Who’s left?” she asked, finding herself afraid of the answer.

“Nat, Rhody, Bruce...although, considering he can’t seem to get Hulk to get his act together, I’m not sure…” Tony replied, shaking his head. “Anyway, Thor’s alive, too. And, well, Steve. There are others, but that’s a start.”

“It only took the end of the world to get the two of you on speaking terms again,” she replied, hoping he’d take it as the joke she intended it to be. She watched as he stared at the coffee table before them, focused intently on something she herself couldn’t see. “Hey,” she said, quietly, nudging his shoulder and waiting until his attention snapped back to her to continue. “What is it?”

“I was just thinking,” he said, clearing his throat and ducking his head as he spoke. “We should get married.”

Pepper held up her left hand, pointing to the engagement ring on her finger. A lump was growing in her throat and she fought to swallow it, recalling the hours upon hours that she’d spent, twirling it back and forth, scouring reports and coverage, and wondering if she’d ever see him again. “I said yes, so I figured that was already a given. That’s what this was for, right?”

Tony nodded, tilting his head as he considered his next words carefully, wanting them to count. “I know. And believe me, I’m glad. But that’s not what I meant.”

“Oh,” Pepper replied, the idea of what he was getting at hitting her a few seconds later. “You mean like now?”

“I don’t know what we’re looking at here, you know? The time table. I don’t know if it’ll take hours or days, or…” he tapered off, tilting his head against the couch and staring up through the darkness at the ceiling. He let the silence settle between them, somewhat surprised that it didn’t feel heavy, and he turned his head towards her, holding her hand and rubbing at the engagement ring he’d placed there with his thumb. “I just figure it’s about time you make an honest man out of me, Pep.”

“Is that it? A little late on that for the both of us, don’t you think?” she replied, pointing to her stomach. She smiled, leaning in to kiss him, pressing her forehead against his when they broke apart. “I promise to do everything I can to keep things safe here. I can’t promise you I won’t worry, because we both know that won’t happen, but I’ll try. I love you, you know.”

“Funny, here I was thinking you were just looking for some bling,” Tony mused, delighting in the fact she laughed. If anything, it was a moment’s reprieve in an otherwise daunting and impossible time. The weight of what he had to do weighed heavy on his shoulders, but he had to fight now more than ever. “I can’t promise I won’t do anything that will make you worry, but I’ll do my best to try. And after we fix everything? I was thinking we deserve a vacation. Somewhere nice, warm, quiet. A honeymoon, if you will. You in?”

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, born of anxiety from everything they still had to face. Pepper nodded, trying her best to keep her fears at bay. “I like the sound of that,” she replied, leaning in to kiss him once more. “But first?” she asked, lips still brushing against his. “You need to sleep.”

Tony shook his head, immediately against the idea. “I told you. I can’t sleep. I can’t see their faces, Pep. I just--”

“Come here,” she interrupted, all but pulling him to her side. With a little effort, she’d managed to coax him into a laying down position, resting his head in her lap. She carded her fingers through his hair, slowly raking her fingernails across his scalp, watching as he closed his eyes and sighed in contentment. “Better?”

He didn’t know what to expect once daylight broke. He didn’t know what the team would say, what they could do once they all got together and formulated a solid plan. What he did know is that he wanted to soak up as much time with Pepper as he could before everything began, but the longer she kept rubbing circles against his skin, the more he felt sleep begin to claim him. “Better.”

“Good,” Pepper replied. Even with his eyes closed, she thought he looked ready to take on the world and anything else that came along. She traced his brow with her fingertip, watching as he visibly relaxed at least a little under her touch. “Get some sleep, honey. I’ll let you know if we get any news.”

He nodded, feeling consciousness slip farther and farther away. “I meant what I said, you know? I’ll come home to you,” he said, turning his head just enough to press a kiss softly against her stomach. “And you. Wow, we have got to baby proof this house.”

“We do,” Pepper replied. She hadn’t had much time to get used to the idea they were going to be parents, considering everything they’d faced in such a short amount of time. It scared her to think of what he was about to do, but she also knew there was no sense in talking him out of it. For whatever faults he might have had, genuinely wanting to help everyone wasn’t necessarily one of them. She just wished it didn’t come at such a great chance of risking himself. “We can start working on that once we get back from that vacation you’re definitely taking me on. But you know what you have to do before that?”

“Hmm?” he mused, not bothering to suppress a yawn. He’d been afraid before to close his eyes, had been hesitant to do so for fear of the scenes that might play through his mind, but if he was being honest, saying he was exhausted would be an understatement. “Wait, don’t tell me. You think I should get some sleep. Am I right?”

“It’s possible,” Pepper conceded, smiling softly as she watched him burrow deeper into the couch, tucking an arm around her waist and pressing his face softly against her. With daylight, meetings and phone calls would come, and eventually he’d leave, and she didn’t know when--she outright refused to think in terms of if--she’d see him again. It was a truth that scared her, but it was a truth she’d try her hardest to cope with nonetheless. A few minutes ticked by, filled with little more than silence and the sound of electronics around them quietly whirring with electricity. She glanced down at her lap, seeing for herself that Tony had at least for the moment fallen asleep, and she closed her eyes, intent on doing the same thing.

#it's probably terrible or ooc but lol i write what i want #the fact that for the first time in a year i wrote something that isn't msr is a statement okay #pepperony #tony x pepper #fanfic

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grandpageepa · 3 years

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Imperfections

I was speaking to an old friend today on the phone and her situation brought up many emotions and feelings. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a blatant narcissist for the past 9 years. I did not leave because I felt bad and that is reality of what happens to a lot of people. We put ourselves in harm’s way because we are not thinking about ourselves and the lives that we should be living. Instead we are considering someone else’s life, who does not care about ours in the slightest above our happiness. The relationship I was in was so turbulent, so unstable, unhealthy, it was the worst experience of my life and I let it continue for so long. A lot of people, namely women in my personal experience are ashamed to talk about it because they harbor the shame of making the decision to put up with something that is so wrong. They tell themselves that they deserve it or that the other person would be made to suffer on their behalf. A narcissist only thinks of themselves in any situation and would make you feel guilty for trying to leave them or even thinking about yourself at all. They mimic human emotions and prey on yours. I know this deeply because I have been a pawn in their games. I am sharing my story because we should not be ashamed to talk about our past. We all have a past and we can learn from it and we can point others in the right direction as we have walked those very steps ourselves. I feel that as long we are coming from the right place and we know what it feels like, we should speak on it if we feel comfortable to do so. The narc would tell me things like “you have more rolls than a bakery”, “you are fat”, “you can’t come because you’ll embarrass me”. If I were to engage him in something I was interested in pursing, he would self proclaim himself to be the very best in it despite not having any experience, he would discourage me and put me down to make himself feel better about himself. There were many things that he would say and do that would be geared towards making my life miserable. I would allow it because I thought I deserved bad treatment, somehow I was being subjected to this because it was the way things were suppose to be? It isn’t logical and I wasn’t thinking about myself. I wasn’t thinking of a way out because it was so much easier to just bear the familiarity and instead of fighting the pain, I would swallow it and I would absorb all these negative and horrendous things that were being said to me, and eventually I believed it. There would be the classic game of leaving, then coming back, then making me feel a certain way so that I would come back. He would threaten the well being of my elderly cat, he would threaten to hurt himself and one of the very last things he said to me was that if things didn’t work out for him in life, that in someway it was my fault and that he would come back and try to ruin my life. It was not only verbally, physically, psychologically, mentally, in every possible damaging to every fiber of my body, it was devastating to my health. It was gut wrenching and heart breaking for everyone in my life to watch me repeat the same story for almost a decade. I could not find my way out. I saw the exist but I could not see me taking a step out to the exit and taking off. Things got really really really really BAD. Before I knew it, I was completely drained of emotion. I was disgusted everyday. He would use all my money, he would expect me to fix all his problems which I did constantly. Through college and endless jobs, I would have to come back and fix his problems. I never had calmness to myself. It would be about him all the time. It would be about satisfying his needs, it would be about being there for him when he was never there for me and I couldn’t be there for myself and If i stuck up for myself, it would be a fight, it would be a war that he would recruit myself and him. He expected me to use his jokes against myself to make him feel better. He would expect me to applaud his insults towards me so that the desired effect would take place. There were so many things that took place that was not right in the least bit. He would wake me out of a deep sleep to talk about himself and ask me to comment on the way he looked. He would tell me that he would pursue godly achievements beyond measure and that he would call on me later in life to provide him with temporary company because he would be dripping in financial gains, that he could convince me to spend a moment with him in time. He would tell me that he would marry a Swedish model and not tell her that he was a millionaire so she would fall in love with him aside from money. He never considered me to have any real feelings of my own. He never considered me as a person. He used me to suit himself and in the end, I was the idiot who ended up paying a considerable amount of debt that he vowed to pay back and when prompted, he would rage that it was ludicrous I could even ask that of him. How dare I ask for thousands of dollars back after I used all of my hard earned money to front him an apartment when his mom changed the locks on the door and he was left to sleep in stair cases and train stops. If he held a job, he would spend all the money on himself and anyone other than me. He would call me incessantly while I was sleeping over at my best friend’s house to coerce me to lend my credit card to someone I didn’t know at all. I met him one time and he was in a bad place so somehow it became my problem against my own wishes, that I would need to provide for this guy because if not I was a “jew” and I was the anti christ. I would never be asked for my own resources. I would be guilted upon surrendering them as he would claim it to be his own without ever having to work for them. He would make me feel so bad for wanting to leave this situation. He would humiliate me on purpose, he would talk about me horribly in front of anyone and he would expect me to act like he was god on earth and that he could not commit a bad deed. What I find really peculiar was that he would spend a lot of his time talking to homeless people and relating to them and actually would care about their well being and he would talk about their struggle. It made absolutely no sense how someone could choose to act in such opposing ways. He would play the role of being better than you and having all the skills to lead an army but in reality, he had the biggest ego that he would inflate to self preserve. In the end, it did not kill me. I do not lose sleep over it but I do not deny that this relationship tore me apart everyday. He would go out of his way to slander me, any chance he got, I would be the one to be crucified. I hardly speak of this anymore but today, I felt that, maybe I could write about it. Through many struggles, we can persevere and we can get out of the hole we dug ourselves in. We can dig ourselves out. This chapter finally ended when I decided that was it. I could not take it anymore. I took the last cab back to my own house from his with a severely intoxicated driver and slowly, I rebuilt my own life. He texted me as I was in the cab to return but I didn’t look back. I wasted enough time on someone who could not care less about mine. I became the person I knew I had to be, someone who rose from a bad situation and took ownership of their own life. I am that person today. For anyone who has ever been in a similar situation, please know that you deserve happiness and you don’t deserve to be treated badly because someone who has no merit tries to convince you that you should be. You should know yourself and do not let anyone tell you that they know yourself better than you do. Do not let them mess with your emotions, your thoughts, your well being. Your life truly depends on it. Your happiness. Everything that you are, you need to let yourself be free. I found the most difficult challenge to trust myself after all this. I know the only way I could get out was if I trusted myself to lead myself out. This is irrelevant but he found a way to contact me years later, and I told him never to contact me again. I did ask him why he decided to contact me just out of lingering frustration, not that his answer would have changed anything but just to know. I realized, it wouldn’t matter anyway and I didn’t care to know and I blocked him and never looked back in that direction ever again.

#narcissist #toxic relationship

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