#like it's wonderful but it's also INTENSE and doesn't come with like. an instruction manual.

[thedreadvampy]

I am thinking again about butchness I'm thinking about how I want to be strong how I want to be protective and caring how I want to be able to step up and meet the needs of people I care about

(I'm kind of also thinking. about how last time I was dating a woman I let this get out of hand and I let my own needs get subsumed and really walled myself off from seeking care and protection. and that worries me. like how do I know what's a real and healthy and good expression of how I love and what's self-destruction?)

semi-relatedly my friend and my boyfriend are trying to get me to go on the apps once I'm vaccinated and try and have some Casual Sex With Girls bc I will Never Shut Up about how much I want to make out with girls. but like. t e r r i f y i n g concept I am 28 and have never in my life actively gone seeking dates all I know about dating girls is be best friends make out at every party eventually confess to having feelings after 3 years and generally Yearn. what is. dating? we just don't know.

#these things sound unrelated but the relatipnship is: i have an intense attraction to women #and i don't know how to cope with it #like it's wonderful but it's also INTENSE and doesn't come with like. an instruction manual. #and taking active ownership of it by claiming butchness or defining how i relate to women I'm attracted to or going out looking for dates #is just. so much scarier and harder than just letting it passively exist in the background. #and to be clear i HAVE dated women i have had serious long term relationships with women #but I've very much struggled to get past it just Happening To Me #like. with all my relationships tbh. i have had the dubious luck of generally being the person pursued not the one doing the pursuing #the hard thing has been getting people to NOT date me so dating I'm lounging on a couch eating grapes as suitors parade in front of me #(which is a very positive way to describe what has been a Not Very Positive dating history of like. stalking and boundary crossing #but we'll ignore that) #so idk i just. get away with not trying so i never learnt to deal with actually being an active participant in my own dating life you know??