#like logically i know i have privilege bc of my appearance too

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Can you please tell us about the whole scenario where MC gets kidnapped and Comte rescues her? The one with the CG I mean.

Sure thing! I’ll do my best to relay the events accurately, as this is one of my favorite moments in his rt~

Sizable Comte rt spoilers below, pls don’t click if you’d like to wait for the ENG release!

Okay so some much needed context before I delve too deep. In the first few chapters of the route, MC debuts in French high society (introduced by Comte as a friend’s heiress from overseas). As such, the better part of the Parisian population knows MC as somebody of noble birth. This is important moving forward.

One day while she’s in town she goes out with a friend upon request (also of high rank, somebody she met and made friends with at her debut) and Sebas encourages her to have fun before meeting up again to return home. Problem is, there has apparently been a great deal of unrest among the people in the lower rungs of the social ladder. Joblessness has been a prominent issue, and so a group of men decide to target members of the elite in order to force them to give a damn about the problem. In their desperation, they choose to abduct MC and her friend and tie them up in separate locations.

The other young lady’s butler/servant is present when they’re taken, but is unable to do anything to stop them. Surprising no one, he races over to find Sebas and tell him what’s happened. Naturally, Sebas is beside himself and takes the man with him in order to alert Comte. And Comte.........well........let’s just say he does not take the news well to say the LEAST. He hears them out, goes silent and it shows his furious sprite, and he’s about to storm out when Leonardo appears out of nowhere after he says MC’s name raggedly. (Note: not that odd bc purebloods seem to be able to sense each other’s feelings easily, and it’s likely he was responding to Comte’s acute and sudden distress). Leonardo has to grab Comte’s shoulder and tell him to calm down before he collects himself again, and then he leaves with Napoleon and Jeanne to go find them asap. 

Iirc, Sebas/the other residents take up the task of alerting the police and trying to find more information while the search party is underway. There is a hilarious tidbit I’d like to share, only because it’s uproarious and makes me laugh every fucking time I translate it fdkhdgdjfsf. So basically they’re all trying to figure out what’s going on, until Sebastian mentions the whole coalition of impoverished people looking to get back at high society for the financial inequities of the historic moment. Now Mozart, in a moment of brilliant word association, says “Oh, well yeah under those circumstances that would make MC the ideal target.” And I fucking. Isaac just turns around and is like. “Could you not. Say it like that. When our dad is hAVING A FUCKING MELTDOWN AND A DISPLACED HUMAN WOMAN IS IN MORTAL DANGER. COULD YOU MAYBE NOT???? JUST THIS ONCE.” And I just fucking lose it every time????? Like are those not the most Mozart-core and Isaac-core responses imaginable????? Mozart being so focused on the logic of the situation he just doesn’t seem to be able to read the room/keep in mind how upset Comte might be. Isaac being HYPERSENSITIVE to the emotions in the room and being MORTIFIED that Mozart wouldn’t word things more carefully.

Also a short note since I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. One parallel between Comte and Isaac I find utterly fascinating is that the two seem to share a formidable understanding when it comes to anxiety especially. Despite how composed Comte appears in the game, we later see more and more evidence of how deeply anxious he is when it comes to his future and the prospect of sudden loss. As a result, I feel like their biggest difference lies in the fact that Comte is a great deal older--so he has an easier time concealing/stifling/de-escalating his anxious responses. Even so, they seem to share difficulty in maintaining emotional distance. If Comte doesn’t exercise control, he gets too close to people, and the inevitable fallout (since they usually die first) is devastating. I think Isaac operates similarly, but his anxiety was so overwhelming he didn’t manage to get that close to most of the people in his time (Essentially, he doesn’t have the same charisma Comte possesses and he hasn’t lost as many people consecutively as Comte has). 

Moving right along. So! Comte and our swashbuckling friends (the Baguettes, as I like to call them) pinpoint the location/bunkers where MC and her friend are being kept against their will. (They find them after they receive a tip as to where the two ladies were last seen in town.) I’d like to note that in Comte’s POV of this chapter, he continuously blames himself for everything that’s happened. Saying that if he had been more careful, if he had done the right/smart thing and kept his distance, then she would have been out of harm’s way. (I disagree in that, when trouble seeks to find you it’s usually more a matter of entropy). In the midst of his agonizing, his mind goes to the worst case scenario and he forces the terror down--desperately wishing that he isn’t too late. 

So our bois split up into two groups, one being Comte and the other being Napoleon and Jeanne (yes this is Area 51 and Comte literally does Naruto run--but he doesn’t dodge the bullets bc they can’t kill him). Naturally our pureblood wonder manages to take out all the guards present and kicks down the door to where she’s tied up. The moment he sees her relief floods him and he rushes forward, untying her immediately. MC sees him covered in wounds--blood and torn clothing as far as the eye can see--and has a moment of genuine shock. She’s so used to the immaculate and ethereal appearance (not a hair out of place) that seeing him so disheveled and wild-eyed startles her. He asks her if she’s injured anywhere and she’s able to confirm she’s fine. He seems to be unable to register that she’s alright until she says those words, and he draws her close in his arms and starts shaking. She’s surprised again by his sudden proximity, but when she feels him trembling she hugs him back and strokes gently along his back, murmuring over and over again that’s she okay. She feels fine, she’s safe now.

In his POV, he speaks to the terror of her life lost that was weighing on him. He’s only able to verify that she’s alive when he feels her body heat, can feel her heart beat, can feel her arms moving--that’s why he hugs her; to have undeniable evidence that she’s still breathing. He hates himself for being so fragile, for being so needy, but melts under the gentleness of her touch.

Before the scene ends, MC hears his broken mumble at her shoulder: “Thank goodness...I don’t want to lose anyone anymore.”

And just to make it hurt even more! From Comte’s POV it reads (the brackets are his unspoken thoughts): 

"I......I don't want to lose anyone.......anymore" [I don't want to lose you... She hugs me back and her hands stroke gently along my back, as if cradling my heart. Her hands are so warm, proof that she's alive. You're so strong.....and so, so gentle. I know I should be prepared to say goodbye. I know I shouldn't be doing this. But I don't want to let you go...]

;-; I just. Every single time I read those lines I just start sobbing. He’s so tired of being alone, so exhausted. He loves her so much!!!!!!! He just wants one moment of PEACE GOD DAMN IT, LEAVE HIM ALONE CYBIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY the story then skips to the aftermath, where Comte is back to his usual collected self. He’s at his desk doing his work (as usual) when MC comes in asking about how everything's going. He explains that he was able to find work for the people who attacked her, citing once again the concept of “Noblesse Oblige.” (For those unaware, it means “noble obligation” in French and alludes to this notion that the wealthy/privileged parties of society have nothing short of an obligation to use their resources in service to the less fortunate.) MC starts gushing about how both her and the police are really impressed by his ability to forgive them and help them anyway. This is where Comte drops that L E G E N D A R Y line where he says “Forgiven them? I never said I had forgiven them. On the contrary, the only reason I’m doing this is because they left you unharmed.” with that chilling smile.

So like. Get you a fucking mans that has the ability to pretend everything’s fine when you get abducted, beat the shit out of your assailants to free you, have a panic attack after you’ve been secured, and then still manages to have the grace to help the people that put him through his literal worst fear imaginable/re-traumatizing him even if they didn’t know it. This was essentially the scene that made me fall 100% in love with him. It was one of the first moments of profound, undeniable proof that not only does he care about people--he cares so deeply it shakes him to the very core. There’s just something....so moving about the fact that no matter how hard he tries to pretend that he’s distanced from something/someone, beneath that persona you just find a veritable avalanche of compassionate feeling/love. 

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp spoilers #ikevamp comte #comte rt spoilers #man i wish i could convey how hard this chapter shook me to the core #i think that's why i don't mind the whole hot and cold in the writing of his rt--it really WORKS rather than being annoying af #i mean its so easy to believe he's removed from it all bc he stays quiet #tries not to be irresponsible--tries to be mindful of her situation and respect her feelings #bc the reality is that they have an enormous power and life imbalance #even if he does sincerely love her--and I honestly have absolutely zero doubts he does--being too hasty would be dangerous #esp given what he wants: he's not looking for a fling--he wants somebody to be with for a long long time #but he also knows that his considerable lifespan has given him quicker insight into that #this doesn't make MC stupid by any means--but at twenty-ish there are plenty of things a person has not yet seen or can't yet recognize #honestly? i think his decision to hold off and only decide when MC was sure--when she had seen every aspect of what it means #to be a pureblood--was the most responsible move. even if he was sure of his feelings early on i like that he gives her time #yet i like that his self-control is also less than perfect; i think it proves the dual sincerity of his attraction and desire to protect he #idk if i can explain it adequately but he just feels so balanced; the perfect combination of mindful but also flawed #it's even more interesting to me bc his charisma seem to function on two levels; the first kind he exudes on a basic level #being attentive to what's important to people/replying to letters and keeping in touch/conversing at parties eloquently #its the kind that draws people in initially and can often be what keeps them in his orbit (kind of like with the workers) #the second is so gradual and masterfully honed that it gets to the point where he believes himself to be insidious #though idk if he actually means any harm i'd wager it's more that he knows what he wants deep down and inevitably acts in line with it #its fascinating bc he seems to deem it premeditated and wrong but even he doesn't seem to be openly aware of his feelings until later on #he's insatiable but also capable of recognizing that--tries to tone it down if it goes too far #or at the very least offer MC something in return: all of his love and anything her heart may desire #just as he says he really IS a mass of contradictions sometimes--which explains why he seeks out someone that's firmly grounded #somebody that knows what they want/what's important to them/and can help stabilize him when he gets a little lost #I LOVE HIM IF YOU COULDN'T TELL OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH FROM ME

[goshikitsutomusmommy]

hi, im so excited for your matchup event!! if its not too much trouble, id like a male matchup please.

top 3 traits:

i’m really good at academics which is helpful bc i want to become a med student and doctor eventually. success in my career is my greatest and arguably most important motivation

introvert who sometimes enjoys hanging out with friends but that rarely happens. idk if it’s because i get social anxiety from being around people, especially new people, but i don’t enjoy it and i’m always super aware of my actions/appearance and i rarely speak. my voice is naturally quiet so that doesn’t help either (i’m a leo surprisingly)

i’m a very agreeable person but that might just stem from my fear of disappointing people. i have a hard time saying no and usually will prioritize someone else’s wants before my own

flaws

damn there’s a lot uh

the best way to hide any insecurities is to slap a superiority complex over them 😎

very little of my self worth comes from myself. it’s always academics, appearance, and others’ opinions of me that make up my confidence

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

but once i am attached, i suck at letting go and probably forgive more easily than i should

growing up, appearance was something i always struggled with so now i’m always super conscious of it. its probably not obvious at first because i love to say “oh the reason _____ happened is because i’m hot isn’t it” since i love projecting confidence and it’s so much easier to do that than actually self reflect on what im doing wrong

ANYWAYS, moving on 😀

likes:

caffeine (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

cats

the adrenaline rush from roller coasters

online shopping

doing makeup/planning outfits

sleeping at 4am

spicy stuff that hurt so badly to eat

grocery shopping

hanging out with friends in the middle of the night

dislikes

spending too much time outside

loud people (sometimes)

public speaking

my glasses

bugs. i don’t care if it’s a butterfly- those are just normal bugs with pretty privilege >:(

having bad skin/not wearing makeup

DEHYDRATION. i literally drink 11 cups of water a day

turnoffs:

being rude to waiters. that’s a one way ticket to getting ghosted

clinginess. i need time to myself sometimes and i really hope my partner would understand that

too much commitment. i’ve been told i love you after talking to someone for 2 weeks (apparently they’ve known me for longer but that’s a different thing entirely) we no longer talk

any use of the 🥺 emoji especially when paired with “haha yeah i get why u don’t like me. no girl likes me. i guess nice guys finish last” 🤢🤢🤢🤢

hobbies:

logic puzzles

baking

spotify playlist making

candy crush type games

exercise

any type of self care

reading random, specific stuff. for example, i got super into the language of flowers before

there’s a lot uh

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!!

I Match You with Shirabu;—

When I read your first trait, I already thought about Shirabu, and the more I read, the more your compatibility grew!

Shirabu is extremely academically intelligent and plans to become a medical student as well! His intelligence is always overlooked due to his peers and their volleyball talent, but it’s canon that’s he’s the only one of them that got in Shiratorizawa without a sports scholarship. I doubt he’ll be with someone that isn’t academically gifted.

Again, he’s also introverted, just like you! He does get along with people and all but he prefers sitting in his dorm and studying, education is very important to him after all.

Though Shirabu may seem as a rude person and someone that doesn’t care, that’s far from the truth. The only person he’s mean to —at least outwardly— is Goshiki, he’s very well mannered and respectful to his other peers. That being said, he’ll never joke about your appearance even if he clearly doesn’t mean it, he thinks you’re gorgeous and wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

He’ll be disheartened to know how you actually feel about your appearance, even though he had a hunch judging by the way you constantly try to make it seem as if you’re confident. He’ll send daily reminders to you, telling you how breathtaking you truly are and to never let anyone make you think differently.

I headcanon Shirabu as a cat father so he would love to feed into your cat addiction LMAOO. Just imagine you and Shirabu going to a cat cafe and petting the cute cats as they nuzzle into your palm. It truly is an adorable sight!

He’s mostly quiet so no need to worry about him accidentally giving you a migraine with his voice, it’s quite soothing actually! And he loves your glasses, he wears glasses himself and knows how insecure he feels with them so he tries to give you extra compliments whenever you wear them <33!

Concerning your deal breakers, Shirabu is literally the exact opposite of all that LMAOO! He’s aloof at times —he is soft for you in his own way though—, mannerly, and chill.

Once he finds out you like puzzles, he’ll buy many puzzles just for the two of you to solve— he purposely gets them difficult just so you would spend more time with him (my heart </33). Like the two of you holding small puzzle pieces trying to mix and match them with other pieces. He loves your concentrated face so that’s just a plus for him <33.

Overall, you and Shirabu are a seemingly distant couple but you’re the softest ever when you’re alone. You’re also intelligent as hell! Your future kids are lucky to have that gene running LMAOO😭😭.

Author’s Note : HIII SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE, also tysmmm for making it organized, it was fun to match you <333 hope you’re happy with this result and thank you for your kind wordsss

#susss. events

[oh-no-whoopsie]

tw food mention //

made myself pasta with sauce and was thinking about how great it is to not be trying to starve myself and not even five minutes later my sister walks into my room and with no prompting begins to talk to me about “how she didn’t know so many thin people got fucked up from comments on it too” and skinny shaming and all that and got mad when i stopped her and told her this was one of the few things i couldn’t handle talking about :D

#i always feel bad about it too #she literally treated me like i was the devil for telling her no though #like logically i know i have privilege bc of my appearance too #don’t get me wrong #i know my experience was how it was for a reason #tw ed mention #tw food #tw food mention #vent post

[primeadv]

SITS DOWN

PULLS OUT 10 GIANT ALBUMS :))) 

(this came out way longer than I intended im so fuckgkdsdf sory)

How I feel about this character: EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I’M IN LOVE WIHT RATCHET. I love him in all iterations of Transformers because he’s always the tired, pragmatic one of the group. In contrast, he’s also almost tiredly optimistic in some ways. He won’t get out of bed, but if someone gets shot in the head he’ll spend however long and beyond to resuscitate them. There’s 2 halves to this--the me who identifies with the beating exhaustion he exudes, and the me who’s in awe that he’ll still fight his way through life.  I won’t... get into each continuity...because that’s too much, so I’ll stick with probably the most unpopular version of him and that’s IDW (my impression, anyway). IDW Ratchet gets a lot of flack for being way too sour and like, maybe not selfish, but uncaring. He cares! A lot! He’s always thinking about everyone in really surprisingly thoughtful ways. Like when he’s 90% sure he’ll die due to Overlord and his last words are to promote First Aid to CMO (he’s ready!! god that’s sweet), and to give his hands to Whirl (though maybe a bit blindsided, he’s paid attention to some roots of Whirl’s trauma). Or yeah he’s hella mean to Drift in the beginning, but when Drift is dying in his arms he’s scREAMING at him “you’re gonna make it! You’re gonna be fine because I’m gonna make sure you’re gonna be fine”. He can be an asshole, but he knows the time and place. Death isn’t something to play with--he’s seen probably countless friends die, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. Even now, even after the war.  So I feel very confused when ppl act like he’s this mean, cold person. He’s exTREMELY emotional. He’s probably way too invested in everyone’s lives, honestly? He interrupts a round table story for Rung just to reminisce on the veery last time he, OP, and Roller were together in the same room (not even hanging out or anything, just being together one last time. who remembers that after 5+ millions years??). He started an illegal clinic in the bad part of town because he wanted to put his skills to better use! Like! LOL.  ALSO, a point that i think is unfair is that ppl think his atheism is just really mean. IT is! But I think it shows just how much of an emotional and extremely, deeply hurt person he is. It gets aggravating when he’s condescending of religion, because there’s no simple logic to it. He reacts the way he does because he’s a hurt person who’s gone through years of trauma and this is his way of coping. Is it healthy or right? Nah, but it’s humanizing. It’s why when he becomes closer to Drift he occupies this weird between space where he snarks but also tries to indulge more in perspectives outside of his own in his own dumb old tsundere way. He’s a person who believes in justice, ultimately, and religion to him doesn’t fall under justice.  ALSO, can I say that his inability to say good byes is so.. like relatable? I have rly bad social anxiety, and so I’ve definitely ghosted people who’ve been nothing but really supportive for me. It’s not because I wanted to burn them, but it freaks you out needing to, not even say goodbye, but communicate with ppl. And for Ratchet--how many times was he FORCED to say good bye to friends + patients who were dying beyond his help? Maybe, if he could help it, he doesn’t want to say goodbye. And it’s tragic the times he’s just left, these were people who ended up either dying for falling astray into insanity, i.e., beyond his help. But he learns. He chases after Drift, who he actually said, in a way, good bye to (helping him off the floor after being attacked, also I should point out that a very tiny handful of people were comfortable interacting w/ Drift at all, and how much Ratchet just doesn’t give a shit abt how other ppl think abt him. he’ll help drift off the floor bc t’s the right thing to do). He says goodbye in his old dumb way--First Aid calls him out on it. ALSO his trust in First Aid is super cute. ALSO he’s like.. genuinely nice to Ten (he helped him get a date with Minimus!!!). And he’s not afraid to call out on other ppl’s bullshit (telling rodi straight you dont deserve to be captain which, at the time, was really true). He’s also SUPER smart. Also there’s that post on tumblr that pointed out that Ratchet immediately goes to deescalate conflict. He’s willing to put aside pride and anything if it means ultimately coming to a resolution where EVERYONE involved is safe. The only time he doesn’t is FUCKING OVERLORD who he rightfully, immediately, tries to briefly incapacitate to lockdown his medibay (protect patients/information). Ok I gotta stop I can go on forever just going page to page. Also, despite my love, I can totally point out his flaws. He’s grating when it’s unnecessary, he’s abhorrently bad at communicating, he’s privileged, he’s narrow-minded at times, etc. ec. But again what I love about him is that despite all that, he’ll throw his own self out the window for others’s well-being bc he genuinely, genuinellyyy cares about other people. If only he could care for himself //cries All the people I ship romantically with this character OH god... everyone. He’s my bicycle.  ok look, ya’ll know I’m an intense dratchet shipper and I could literally write a god damn essay. ... here’s another essay???!! So, I’ma be real, I wasn’t a super dratchet shipper before. I wasn’t anti (i have no notps), but I was just “yeah they’re cute i guess haha”. But 99.99% the reason why I ship anything is all for super cute adorable fanart. and I kept drawing them because 1) ratchet’s my fav, 2) drift is super popular so I figured I should learn to draw him. And they became the only 2 mechs I could draw. I used to be way more into Scavengers + megarod. I used to only like 1 dratchet fanfic and that’s bc it was less romantic and more plot centric (still a fav tho). Then I kept seeing cute fanart, I would read posts by other dratchet shippers too about what makes them so nice? And I was yeah.. oh yeah. And it doesn’t help that in Lost Light, drift is CONSTANTLY by Ratchet’s side. He’s constantly checking up on him and holding him and touching him, like as if Ratchet is the thing that he needs to make sure, at all costs, is safe.  In Drift’s life, Ratchet is the one who appears to him when he needs support the most but is in the most denial of it. When Drift is at the brink of death, overdosed and about to be broken apart and Orion brings him to Ratchet’s clinic. Ratchet patches him up pro-bono and tells him that he sees something special in him.  like??? can you imagine how that feels? To have no one believe in you--you don’t even believe in yourself, and yet here’s this person who tells you “you’re gonna be great”. And it totally doesn’t hit Drift in anyway, at least in a way that’s tangible to him, until much later in life. Or maybe it does (hey, how do you weave character narratives when it’s been written by like 3 different ppl shrugs). And that statement means 2 different things to them. To Drift, it’s a reminder that he’s worth something, even if it’s a sliver of nearly nothing to hold onto. To Ratchet, it’s a reminder that the greatness he saw led to the deaths of thousands of people.  HEY can you imagine this person you saved, patched up, tried to encourage, ended up being a mass serial killer in the future? (have you ever read Monster by Naoki Urusawa). Ended up killing people you loved?  So it’s no wonder that a good part of Ratchet is absolutely mad at Drift. And I think if that was all, they probably would’ve ended up being amicable. But Drift also ended up being super religious and seeing the hand and primus in everything and oh my god is this person really waxing poetry on the value of life when he, himself, shot several bullets at me at one point?  I also believe they are uncomfortably similar as they are different. The reason why they constantly butt heads is they’re two people trying to escape a past they don’t want and found complete opposite ways to cope with their losses. Drift found religion, Ratchet is gratingly pragmatic, and they see each other and go “how could this guy choose to be this way?”. I’ve heard ppl like to cite the annual as the reason why they could never work out. BUT, can I point out, that they act around each other in a way they don’t with anyone else? Drift gets SO MAD. Ratchet gets extremely talkative and incredibly personal (pulled out an electro slug from someone’s spark, holy shit that fucking traumatized you didn’t it??). They challenge each other emotionally, and it’s so fucking difficult bc they’re both extremely depressed and suffer from PTSD and would probably rather just go on their dumb space adventure and look at stars--take 2 emotionally constipated idiots and you get them. And hell no, don’t tell me Drift is in-tune with his feelings bc he’s 10000% not. He uses religion to cope with a past and life that he doesn’t want to think about. He tries to re-contextualize himself because he hates who he is. OUCHHH. And Ratchet MAKES him confront the parts of himself he hates--bc Ratchet has seen his worst traits and isn’t afraid to make him think about it.  So why do they work out eventually? They realize how important they are to each other. Delphi, Drift saves Ratchet’s life while he’s barely holding onto his own because he probably feels like he owes Ratchet his own life. And that’s a huge turning point in their relationship--Ratchet sees that... Drift tries really really fucking hard. My friend Zig pointed out that post-Delphi, Drift is eating energon w/ chopsticks (what a fucking nerd), and you can see in a later panel that Ratchet (who chose to sit next to Drift) is using those chopsticks too. IT’s such a small thing, but they’re becoming closer by sharing and learning from each other. And then Drift takes the fall and leaves. And Ratchet realizes just how important Drift’s presence is in his life. I mentioned it already lol but the scene where Ratchet helps Drift up off the floor and it’s superimposed with the love message Rewind left for CD. They care about each other so much!! And Ratchet chases after him!! HOLY SHIT. If that isn’t romance, what is?? lol I kid, but it’s obvious just how important Drift’s presence meant to him. IT’s really because they became so so so close in a way that can’t be described as just friends. They deeply understand each other in really uncomfortable ways and bring out the absolute worst and absolute best in each other. And this point is where Ratchet again appears when Drift doesn’t realize he needs someone in his life. Drift thinks he can be a loner and just float aimlessly and voicelessly--hell no! He needs friends, he needs community. He NEEDs belonging, because he wants to belong somewhere. And Ratchet helps bridge him back to friends and found family.  And Ratchet slowly changes the more he’s with Drift. He reads religious text and tries to brag about it bc he’s a dumb tsundere lol but he’s trying to understand Drift’s interests more even if it takes a decade and more to get there. And Drift values him for being his rock. That’s why he’s constantly making sure Ratchet is safe and unharmed, because he owes at least that much to him. And yeah they eventually fall in love because they value each other in a way they haven’t anyone else. IM EMO I CAN GO ONE, this all probably didn’t make a whole lot of sense but yeah. I’m just so soft to the fact that they’re horribly hurt people who don’t know how to redirect their pain, but by being together they come out healthier and more confident. IT’S RLY ROMANTIC IDKKK My non-romantic OTP for this character As much as I also love OpRatch, they are also great best friend platonic ship. They know each other best, they’ve been through SO MUCH together. It’s honestly a shame they barely interact in IDW bc the small tidbits we have, they obviously deeply respect each other’s opinions and deeply value the relationship they’ve had over the past millions of years.  I’m also all for non-romanceOTP for dratchet because I can totally imagine they go to each other to talk about things they feel uncomfortable sharing with others (they’ve seen the absolute worst of each other afterall).  My unpopular opinion about this character I don’t... think I ahve one. Some ppl view my love for his as grating lol.  One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. Medic spin off.

#ratchet #dratchet

[crapfutures]

Careless whispers

In a previous post we mentioned the story of the infamous conflict between King Henry II and Thomas Becket, the Archbishop of Canterbury, in 12th century England. It’s a familiar story of two powerful and egotistical men clashing over issues of status and pride. After a series of altercations over clerical privilege, Henry finally loses his temper; what he actually said to the assembled courtiers has been lost to history, but the most likely version comes from the biographer-monk Edward Grim, who recorded it as follows:

What miserable drones and traitors have I nourished and brought up in my household, who let their lord be treated with such shameful contempt by a low-born cleric?

Whatever Henry said, four of his knights (Richard le Breton, Reginald FitzUrse, Hugh de Morville, and William de Tracy) interpreted the utterance as a royal command. They rode to the Normandy coast, took ship for England, and confronted the Archbishop. What happened next was described by the aptly named Grim, who was on the scene and actually wounded in the attack:

The wicked knight, fearing lest Becket should be rescued by the people and escape alive, leapt upon him suddenly and wounded this lamb who was sacrificed to God, cutting off the top of the crown which the sacred unction of the chrism had dedicated to God.

More terrible blows followed, and eventually the Archbishop succumbed. Was the king’s statement interpreted correctly? We’ll never know. But we can perhaps read parallels to our own time in the complex motivations and agendas that informed the knights’ collective decision to commit murder.

Another story, more recent. This one takes place in Dallas, Texas, where a six-year-old girl asked her family’s Amazon Echo: ‘Alexa, can you play dollhouse with me and get me a dollhouse?’ Alexa promptly complied, ordering a $300 KidKraft Sparkle Mansion doll’s house from one of Amazon’s suppliers. She also ordered (for reasons known only to the internal logic of the system) nearly two kilograms of sugar cookies. The story doesn’t stop there: the following day, when a San Diego news programme reported the story, a number of Echos were roused by the wake word ‘Alexa’ coming from proximate television sets, and they in turn followed the command to also purchase dolls’ houses.

What inspired Alexa to order the biscuits? A flawed system or a very smart one?

In 560 BC, King Croesus of Lydia set a challenge to the world’s oracles to determine who provided the most accurate prophecies. His emissaries were sent to seven sites to ask the resident oracle what the king was doing at that precise moment. The winner was the Oracle of Delphi, who correctly reported that the king was making a lamb-and-tortoise stew.

Oracles were seen as conduits to the gods, speaking and giving advice on their behalf. Divination came in many other forms: augurers would follow the flight paths of birds (legend has it that the location of Rome was decided through this approach). Haruspices would read the entrails of sacrificed animals. Today, however, reading the future is much less exotic or gruesome, being mostly about data and statistics.

The next story starts back to front. A man walks into a Target outside Minneapolis and demands to see the manager. He’s got a handful of targeted coupons that had been sent to his teenage daughter, and he’s angry. ‘My daughter got this in the mail!’ he said. ‘She’s still in high school, and you’re sending her coupons for baby clothes and cribs? Are you trying to encourage her to get pregnant?’ In fact the daughter actually is pregnant. Target knows it before the girl’s father, thanks to a hunch based on its analysis of online searches and product purchases - in this case a particular lotion often used by pregnant women in the second trimester.

One more story. In happier times for Facebook, the social media giant played a significant - if unevenly distributed and still debated - role in the Arab Spring by facilitating communication between protesters. The April 6 Youth Movement in Egypt, for example, used Facebook to launch a successful call for protests in the aftermath of the Tunisian Revolution that preceded the spread of uprisings across North Africa and the Middle East in 2011-12. Events of the Arab Spring demonstrated that social networks provide a perfect mechanism through which to disseminate information broadly and quickly, as long as you have access to the internet.

So far this is a familiar and well-trodden tale; the more interesting story, however, happened when Arab states began to shut down internet access. Activists in Cairo found the solution in a different kind of social network - not screen-based, but via the city's taxi drivers. The activists realised that if they could direct conversations towards the planned anti-Mubarak gathering on 25 January 2011 in Tahrir Square, taxi drivers might spread the word and the protest would be a success. Initially, the activists tried to talk directly to drivers. 

But they soon discovered that due to the highly politicised nature of their subject, conversations would quickly turn into arguments rather than dissemination, and their objective would fail. The solution was found in exploiting the human tendency to gossip. Instead of engaging in direct conversation, the activists allowed the taxi drivers to overhear a mobile phone conversation where they would disclose the details of the protests. The taxi drivers eavesdropped, and believing they had overheard a gossip-worthy secret, they began to spread the message.

‘Technology is making gestures precise and brutal, and thereby human beings.’ - Adorno

In one of our very first posts, The Pleasures of Prediction, we described the daily experience at our local cafe - where the gestures of interaction were not always precise, sometimes brutal (depending on the mood of either ourselves or the people behind the counter), but mostly genial and surprisingly seamless. More recently, our colleague was telling us how his landlady keeps track of the number of bottles of alcohol he consumes each week by counting his recycling - a sort of small island version of a fitness tracker like the Fitbit. ‘She’s not judgemental’, he said. ‘Well … not really.’ Of course surveillance and tracking - mediating, amplifying, interpreting - have always been present in society; in the past they were just more social, or at least more analogue.

These examples raise some big questions, such as: Would you rather be monitored by a human being or a machine? If machine, why? Why don’t we trust humans? For that matter, why don’t we trust ourselves? How have we been shown to be untrustworthy and unable to control our own self-destructive or anti-social impulses? For the past two years we have been collecting stories that relate to the interpretation of information - tracing the shift from human beings to technological mediation as translator and interpreter; who is making important decisions, on whose behalf, and why.

There is certainly precision and brutality in Cambridge Analytica’s use of Facebook data for micro-targeting and psychological profiling. Likewise Amazon Echo, a data-based Trojan horse mediating our personal lives in increasingly precise but also brutal ways. There is a tendency to understand and evaluate technology according to old-fashioned notions of progress: faster, easier, more efficient and so on. But digitisation, the data that it creates, and the vast networks of dissemination also facilitate the augmenting of darker aspects of human behaviour, targeting our deepest vulnerabilities. How we examine the implications, embrace the ethics, and understand the complexity of these systems are some of the fundamental challenges we face.

Real Prediction Machines

Shortly before the Echo appeared on the market in 2014, Real Prediction Machines addressed many of the issues Amazon’s new device (and others like it) would raise. The speculative project was developed by James Auger in collaboration with designer Jimmy Loizeau, artist Alan Murray, and Edinburgh University data scientist Ram Ramamoorthy, who at the time was developing predictive modelling systems combined with machine learning to predict when professional athletes might sustain an injury through overtraining.

James, Jimmy and Alan began by asking Ram what kind of other things might be predictable through such techniques, such as ‘Will my child become a professional football player’, ‘Will Labour win the next general election’, and ‘Will I suffer a heart attack?’ The words inside the circles of the Bayesian network diagram represent potential variables. In relation to a heart attack they could correspond to something like diet or exercise, the data coming from a supermarket loyalty card, or the accelerometer in your smartphone. Or more finite information such as family history, for example data coming from a genetic testing service like 23andMe.

These variables combine to create a live and ongoing feed into the predictive algorithm. The heart attack example seemed a little too banal due to its obvious connection to wellbeing and the huge growth of data and tracking methods, so the group suggested another question to Ram: Will I have a domestic argument?

The Bayesian network shown above looks similar to the earlier one, but in this instance a microphone was added for live sound input (anticipating the omnipresent Echo). Using machine learning, the system would become better at predicting arguments through the statistical analysis of keywords, tone, and frequency - identifying particular subjects that a couple might commonly fight about.

The output was translated into an object - not an app but something more symbolic, sympathetic. They settled on an ambient device sitting in the background, providing information when you might need it. 

The device essentially has three states:

Clockwise means that the argument is moving into the future;

Anti-clockwise means that the argument is approaching, and the slower the rotation the more imminent it is;

When the rotating stops, the argument starts.

Projects like Real Prediction Machines work when it is not completely clear whether the idea is a ‘good’ one or not. Is it too invasive? Is it genuinely helpful? This is how we should think about all potential technologies, but we rarely do.

What happens next? How far away are we from Alexa ordering not biscuits, but a councillor? How much control will we have in the future, and how much do we want to have?

Images:

All diagrams by James Auger; photo of Real Prediction Machines by Sophie Mutevelian.

#reconstrained design #prediction #Amazon Echo #arab spring #gossip

[valvntinass-blog]

me ?? late 2 the party ?? ofc ( it’s also be i’m a complete embarrassment & also wanted to attemPT to write smth worthy of reading ) but hey there, demons. it’s me, ya girl, aka shan aka probably the worst ?? anyway i’m chillin in the gmt timezone probs for the rest of my life bc who has the money to move anywhere else these days ?? i’m 19 w she / her pronouns & spend waY too much time on photoshop & instagram so i’ll probably disappear for hRS just to make smth or go cry over some insta model ?? ummm i watch too many tv shows ( s/o to the og joey tribbiani up there ) & am alsO a huge film buff !! ( kinda mad bc apparently the newest transformers is supposed to be the last one like ?? whY end it like that ?? ) anywaY imma stop rambling bc i’m a rambler & am literallY just gonna copy & paste most of my app bc i’m too lazy to write it all out !!

˚✧* ( CINDY KIMBERLY, FEMALE + SHE/HER ) welcome the exuberant valentina morales. this club’s great for twenty year olds. plus, i hear you’re the skux, huh?that’s interesting, since you’re so manipulative and devious. but i guess it makes some sense given you’re coquettish and alluring as well !

BIOGRAPHY ;

    ❛ congratulations, you’ve had a beautiful baby girl ! ❜

    these are the words that francisco & nadya morales would never forget. for years, the power couple of barcelona had been trying for a daughter, after being blessed with a handsome son, alvaro morales. & then by some miracle they had her. a gorgeous, tiny baby with jet black hair & dark brown eyes. her name ? they called her valentina.

    that girl was a sweet child. she had a smile that could make the wind blow & a laugh so contagious that when other hear it, they had to join in, afraid of missing such an beautiful experience. she lived to make people smile, to see them happy & be the one who makes them happy. she loved to pick roses & to smell flowers, be surrounded by nature & love. she was happy.

    her parents were naturally busy, however. her father, being the owner a well-known &successful business, which had been passed down from generation was always travelling to different places, sometimes taking his family with him. whereas her mother was a model who people loved worldwide, so valentina, so small & young was left in the HANDS of her older brother.

    valentina grew close to him. he was like her best friend, he confident. he helped her with her homework & protected her from anyone who would try to do her harm. he loved her, & she loved him, & whenever all the family was together it was complete bliss to her. she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more than this.

    growing up, it was clear to see that valentina had talent. not only were her features soft& pretty, much like her mother’s, but she had a love for the camera & the camera had a love for her. she wasn’t quite sure what career she wanted, however her mother did. but as a child, growing up in spain & knowing little english, how could you ever do something with that ?

    she did, though. she was taken to small photoshoots at home to kick start her career, &for a relatively shy & timid six year old, this was scary yet oddly exciting. needless to say, valentina loved it. but she loved something else, too. at school, they did plenty of plays &productions which valetina threw herself into. she loved it. she loved acting & singing &dancing, almost as much as she did modelling. then she knew what she wanted to be — she wanted to be a model, but she also wanted to be an actress.

    she was comfortable. she loved her life & wouldn’t change a thing. but then her parents dropped the bomb that they were moving & val felt her dreams shatter into a million pieces. moving to america was hard at first. she barely knew any english & the city was intimidating. but as she lived on & met the tempest, the hellion, & the quixotic, things started to even out & as time when by she was pretty much in the same place she was before she moved.

( TRIGGERS ; CAR ACCIDENT, DEATH )     but then came that night. when the crash happened, her heart broke. she never even got to say goodbye to her brother which just made her hurt more. it made her nights restless ; she couldn’t close her eyes without seeing it so she seeked comfort in other people. she slept around, not really thinking about what people would call her. she needed the distraction, & distracting it was. her parents disagreed but she ignored them. she learned to separate her emotions from her thoughts so she became devious, flirtatious, poisonous. anything to forget about the empty feeling in her chest.

    over the years, val has altered incredibly & now works as model for img models. she goes to college, however recent opportunities have made it so she hardly has time for it any more & so tends to cut class to work on her acting career. she tries her best to work her schedule around her friends as well as her arrangements for the night time. never the same person, is a rule she’s set for herself. she’s scared of attachment & anything that could mess with her feelings. god help everyone if that happens.

PERSONALITY ;

val has two sides to her. there’s the sweet side, which can throw people off when they experience her devil side. she’s been described before as a ’ quiet genius ’, meaning that she can seem all cute & innocent but in the meantime is probably planning your downfall. she’s incredibly destructive, reason being why she doesn’t believe in romance or love so her interest in the tempest is quite confusing &annoying for her. but val can be very possessive & jealous, so if she ever found out about the quixotic’s feelings she’d probably flash a smile but secretly would be thinking of all the ways she can destroy them. even though they’re one of her best friends & val is incredibly loyal, nobody gets in the way of what she wants. val can be very withdrawn, however, which would probably be an issue for the hellionbecause she’d rather be out sleeping with someone than she would talk about her issues.

ENTJ ; as an ENTJ, val is very leader-like. she focuses on the most efficient &organized means of performing a task. this quality, along with ger goal orientation, often makes val superior leader, both realistic & visionary in implementing a long-term plan. val tends to be fiercely independent in her decision making, having a strong will that insulates them against external influence. generally highly competent, val can analyze & structure the world around her in a logical & rational way. due to this straightforward way of thinking, val tends to have the greatest difficulty of all the types in applying subjective considerations & emotional values into the decision-making process. as an ENTJ she often excels in business &other areas that require systems analysis, original thinking, & an economically savvy mind. she is a dynamic & pragmatic problem solvers. she tends to have a high degree of confidence in her own abilities, making her assertive & outspoken. In her dealings with others, she is generally outgoing, charismatic, fair-minded, unaffected by conflict or criticism. however, these qualities can make her appear arrogant, insensitive, & confrontational. she can overwhelm others with her energy& desires to order the world according to her own vision. as a result, she may seem intimidating, hasty, & controlling. she tends to cultivate her personal power. she often ends up taking charge of a situation that seems ( to their mind, at least )to be out of control, or that can otherwise be improved upon & strengthened. she strivea to learn new things, which helps her become a resourceful problem-solver. however, since she relies on provable facts, she may find subjective issues pointless. she appears to take a tough approach to emotional or personal issues,& so can be viewed as aloof & insensitive. in situations requiring feeling & value judgments, she is well served to seek the advice of a trusted feeling type. when striving toward a goal, she often puts personal needs aside until the work is done ( & may expect others to do the same ). for this reason, she may be considered self-sacrificing by some, but ’ cold & heartless ’ by others, especially those who prefer feeling.

HOW VAL FEELS ABOUT BEING A MEMBER OF THE EXUBERANT CLUB ;val is very prideful, so being a member of one of the most affluent clubs in new york really does make her hold her head a little higher. she’s already boastful, but to have this privilege is just as good as winning an oscar to her. she loves the privacy & the inclusivity of the place, meaning that she finds herself feeling very comfortable & rewarded.

HEADCANONS ;

001 ; valentina is more known for her talent in modeling & acting, but what many people don’t know is that val loves to dance. since she was a child, whenever a song came on the radio she would be moving whatever she could in the back-seat of the car & one time, when she & her brother went to the mall her favourite song came through the speakers & she just dropped what she was doing & started dancing. she’s an avid fan of music & so can dance to any song, especially spanish songs because that’s a part of her heritage & they’re generally good for dancing.

002 ; val is a very dedicated vegetarian. she says it’s to aid her diet ( because god-forbid if anyone thought she cared about anything for one second ) but in truth it’s because she’s highkey against animal cruelty & won’t eat something that another creature has died for. to be honest, she has a huge love for animals & is the ambassador of a cause that’s fighting against animal cruelty, & although her reasons are genuine she tells her peers that it’s just for the promotion. yeah, right.

003 ; she absolutely loves roses, specifically white ones. whereas people are forced to believe it’s just because of the aesthetic — after all, everything val does is for the aesthetic — the reason is actually deeper than that. when she was little, her family went to a rose garden & her brother told her to pick her favourite rose. she spotted a pristine white one, the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen & he picked it for her to take home. the rose lasted a good couple of weeks before it died, leaving val feeling devastated. she’s never told anyone that story in fear they’ll see through her cold mask.

004 ; she’s an exquisite baker. before moving to america, she used to visited this bakery on the weekly. her parents were good friends with the bakery owner & so when val wanted to learn how to bake something new, she’d always go there &they’d teach her all their tricks. val likes to bake for her friends her friends on the daily yet claims that it’s just to pass the time rather than a genuine hobby, but if you go to her place you can guarantee that there’s always cookies on the table.

005 ; is still very connected to her life in barcelona. she visits her friends & family there as often as she can & loves indulging in her hispanic lifestyle. although spanish is one of her main languages, she’s fluent in many others & won’t hesitate in using them to her advantage should the opportunity arise. she’s very culturally orientated & still favours her old life, however she claims to love america more than anything & that clouding her emotions is the best thing she ever did.

#exuintro #asfk *runs away* #ALSO IF U WANNA PLOt just likE this asjkfn #╰ ﾟ&.´• ▋▌❛ ﹡ᵗᵃᵖˢ ᵐᶦᶜ﹡ ᶦˢ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵗʰᶦᶰᵍ ᵒᶰ ﹖☇ OOC.

[transdib]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

#life of doge #suicide - #dont come running to my inbox lecturing me either cuz im actually pissed #gender -

[thecynthisizeradad-blog]

Text-to-Speech: Transcript 2

Link: https://soundcloud.com/cynthia-loh-76299221/adad3/s-g7ehF

Update I’m drinking beer 👍 1 UPDATE MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND GOT ENGAGED 😮 1 WGAT THE FUCK IM OFICIALLY AT THE AGE WHERE PPL I KNOW GET ENGAGED AAAAAAA Omg Yeah I’m dude same i saw another engagement post today Loosing my mind WTF marriage szn wild CUFFING SEASON IS REAL I'm feeling some big type of way About being called fake/ being put in a box How do? *so Expound (only if you want) (I’m here for support) like... I've accepted that I can't control how other people view me right Yep but Mood Here’s the thing; from my observations, I think ppl might be harsh on you bc you’re very attractive and also very real You’re very candid w a lot of people 1) apparently I'm "fake" because I know how to switch myself on and off when I'm out socializing - that's not being fake it's called work 👍 1 You’re candid in the sense of like you use certain part of your personality to get what you want and need out of an interaction 👍 2 That’s networking Yeah exactly I'm a social butterfly BUT ALSO A CHAMELEON But bc you’re an attractive woman, ppl will judge you 😢 👍 2 YEP And like Physical appearance aside Like being pretty gets you place, but regular ppl are like both infatuated and hyper critical of attractive ppl That’s just t It’s bc capitalism does this But like you’re just living life It frustrates me to no end that because sometimes I only show facets or variations of how I am (ie my true personality) and that's how people typecast me You can’t do anything bout this and you don’t let it get to your head Ppl be like Judge mental af Pretty privilege is real but it’s like that Venus flytrap ting It’s something you gotta live w for example i'm usually a messy emotional bih but when the situation calls for it i can be levelheaded and logical too but because people think i'm just wack and illogical they'll refuse to come to me with issues that could be solved simply by speaking to me 👍 1 for fear of "making me upset" Yep Well that’s also because you’re a femme presenting woman That’s another factor “Hysteria” Just, assumptions and then people just say that I'm "not real" Idk if ppl expect multifacetedness from attractive people Or people they assume have an “easy life” If that makes sense? and "not being true to myself" just because i can show different parts of myself at different times like i don't owe anyone my true self lmao Ugh yeah that makes sense That’s the truth!! Tea!! Idk I’ve noticed that the space I have I australia has changed How so I’ve lost eight and people check me out now *weight And I’m like I’m starting to see how I can capitalize on some random finding me attractive enough o make my life a bit easier 👍 1 I’m by no means attractive to the common mean But I can tell now that things have changed a bit for me And I’m like “Do I take advantage of this?” But it's not even like Purposefully doing it No that’s true Yeah I’ve just noticed it Being like, Unaccustomed Yknow Yeah Like I know I’m overweight af But culturally it’s changed a bit for me no i meant the And I’m like Oh! "Do i take advantage of this" Yes that’s it sometimes its not even a conscious decision Yes I know Like there’s a stark difference Western and Eastern perspectives etc Like I had a date with a fashion bro this weekend and I know that I wouldn’t have the safe experience in hk If you get me?? Like it extends more out of dating etc But yeah you’re generally treated better if you’re not Overweight YEAAAAAA Fatphobia be like!! It’s anxiety and diet change that’s made me more likeable And idk I’m not mad But I’m also like Eh If I have an easy time adjusting I’m not complaining Yeet I’m meeting up with another old brivbane friend on Tuesday 👍 1 And I have a date on Sunday 😮 1 AAAAAAA

[therealforeignspell]

Inside Cover:  “When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they’re broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition. There is kind, handsome Willem, an aspiring actor; JB, a quick-witted, sometimes cruel Brooklyn-born painter seeking entry to the art world; Malcolm, a frustrated architect at a prominent firm; and withdrawn, brilliant, enigmatic Jude, who serves as their center of gravity.

Over the decades, their relationships deepen and darken, tinged by addiction, success, and pride. Yet their greatest challenge, each comes to realize, is Jude himself, by midlife a terrifyingly talented litigator yet an increasingly broken man, his mind and body scarred by an unspeakable childhood, and haunted by what he fears is a degree of trauma that he’ll not only be unable to overcome—but that will define his life forever.”

First Paragraph:  “The eleventh apartment had only one closet, but it did have a sliding glass door that opened onto a small balcony, from which he could see a man sitting across the way, outdoors in only a T-shirt and shorts even though it was October, smoking. Willem held up a hand to greet him, but the man didn’t wave back.”

Meeting Details: Friday November 10

Rating:   4 Bookworms

Final Thoughts:  

Reading A Little Life was liked being pulled in every direction at once. The lives of these character’s had such verisimilitude. I felt like I knew each one on a deep personal level. Because of this, it was also a very difficult read. As I read Jude’s reasoning for his desire to harm himself, it brought up flashbacks of my own past and what I have come out of. His character put so poetically into words what it is like to feel that sickness of depression inside of you. Like it is an alien body trapped in your blood and flowing through your veins. It was so vivid that at times I had to put down the book, close my eyes, and breath again. I paced my living room while trying to calm my nerves and my husband would say “Good book, huh?”  The amount of human suffering that Jude experiences is nearly unfathomable. Yet it’s the friendships that he forms that make it tolerable and not torturous to read. And these relationships are as inspiring and full of beauty as the book can be dark. A Little Life will make you ugly cry, it might induce an panic attack, but I promise you it is worth it. Beautifully written and a great example of the human ability to feel and love at great depths.

Talking Points:

Page 19- Why does JB choose to lie to his friends about his family life? Does he appreciate his family, or take them for granted? Is he ungrateful?

Page 25- Why can’t Willem acknowledge Jude’s pain and help him? Why have they never spoken about it?

Page 75- “But this was part of the deal when you were friends with Jude: he knew it, Andy knew it, they all knew it. You let things slide that your instincts told, you not too, you scooted around the edge of your suspicions. You understood that proof of your friendship lay in the keeping of your distance, in accepting what was told you, in turning and walking away when the door was shut in your face instead of trying to force it open.” in response to Jude suicide attempt. Do you know anyone who forces boundaries like this in your relationship with them? What could cause someone to be like this?

Willem skirts the issue of Jude cutting himself. He has multiple opportunities to confront his best friend who is clearly suffering but never draws the courage to do so. Is it a masculine trait to ignore these clues, to not talk about things so important because it is hard or scary or uncomfortable? Have you done this in past relationships?

Why does Willem play mostly “dark and complicated” characters as an actor? They are described as often quietly violent, usually morally compromised- that inspired different degrees of sympathy. Does this have a connection to his upbringing or friendships?

Page 275- Jude explains what aspects of his new job as a litigator he enjoys. Even thought it was the opposite of what he was doing before at the U.S. Attorney’s Office (where he worked for the people and the community making a difference which would have led to being a judge or justice) and now works for “the enemy”. What, in his past, makes him enjoy this work? What about his character makes him good at it? “Had the job made him venal, or had he always been so…?” See page 301 + 398

Was it surprising for you to hear JB’s true opinion of his friends? (Page 300-306) He speaks of how boring he thinks they are and how surprised by their success he is. His extreme selfishness and superiority over others and lack of empathy makes him a sort of Devil’s Advocate character.

Page 636- Jude tells JB that he has always been lucky. Why does he say this?After all he has been through, does he mean it? In What way?

How would this book been different if the main characters were not rich and famous? Why did the author choose this storyline?

Why did Hanya choose to make the main characters men?

Discuss young Jude’s reaction to Father Luke’s arrest. Were you surprised by it? Do you think it changed over time?

How did Willem’s experience with Hemming shape him?

Do you think Caleb beat his other boyfriend?

  Vocabulary:

insensate | inˈsensāt, inˈsensət |adjective

1 lacking physical sensation

2 lacking sympathy or compassion; unfeeling

3 completely lacking sense or reason

blithely | ˈblīT͟Hlē | adverb

1 in a way that shows a casual and cheerful indifference considered to be callous or improper

2 in a happy or carefree manner

flibbertigibbet | ˈflibərdēˌjibət | noun

a frivolous, flighty, or excessively talkative person

indolence | ˈindələns | noun

avoidance of activity or exertion; laziness

parcity |ˈpärsətē | noun

frugality, scantiness

vociferously| vəˈsif(ə)rəslē | adverb

in a loud and forceful manner

scrivener | ˈskriv(ə)nər | noun

a clerk, scribe, or notary.

dross | drôs,dräs | noun

1 something regarded as worthless; rubbish

2 foreign matter, dregs, or mineral waste, in particular scum formed on the surface of molten metal

verisimilitude | ˌvərəsəˈmiləˌt(y)o͞od | noun

the appearance of being true or real

interlocutor |ˌin(t)ərˈläkyədər | noun

a person who takes part in a dialogue or conversation.

dirigible | ˈdirəjəb(ə)l,dəˈrijəb(ə)l 

1 adjective capable of being steered, guided, or directed 2 noun a dirigible airship, especially one with a rigid structure.

parry | ˈperē |verb

ward off (a weapon or attack), especially with a countermove.

Philistine |ˈfiləˌstēn,-ˌstīn | noun

a member of a non-Semitic people of ancient southern Palestine, who came into conflict with the Israelites during the 12th and 11th centuries BC

stave | stāv |

1 noun a vertical wooden post or plank in a building or other structure

2 another term for staff1 (sense 4 of the noun)

3 verb break something by forcing it inward or piercing it roughly

4 avert or delay something bad or dangerous

carapace |ˈkerəˌpās | noun

the hard upper shell of a turtle, crustacean, or arachnid

querulous | ˈkwer(y)ələs | adjective

complaining in a petulant or whining manner.

benediction |ˌbenəˈdikSH(ə)n | noun

the utterance or bestowing of a blessing, especially at the end of a religious service.

fulcrum |ˈfo͝olkrəm,ˈfəlkrəm | noun

1 the point on which a lever rests or is supported and on which it pivots

2 a thing that plays a central or essential role in an activity, event, or situation

simulacrum | ˌsimyəˈlākrəm,ˌsimyəˈlakrəm | noun

1 an image or representation of someone or something

2 an unsatisfactory imitation or substitute

civet | ˈsivət | noun

1 a slender nocturnal carnivorous mammal with a barred and spotted coat and well-developed anal scent glands, native to Africa and Asia

astringent | əˈstrinjənt

1 adjective causing the contraction of body tissues, typically of the skin

2 sharp or severe in manner or style

3 noun a substance that causes the contraction of body tissues, typically used to protect the skin and to reduce bleeding from minor abrasions

koan | ˈkōän| noun

1 a paradoxical anecdote or riddle, used in Zen Buddhism to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and to provoke enlightenment

venal | ˈvēnl | adjective

showing or motivated by susceptibility to bribery

stultify |ˈstəltəˌfī | verb

1 cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative, especially as a result of a tedious or restrictive routine

2 cause (someone) to appear foolish or absurd

jounce | jouns | verb

jolt or bounce.

ni·hil·is·tic |ˌnīəˈlistik,ˌnēəˈlistik/ | adjective

rejecting all religious and moral principles in the belief that life is meaningless.

“an embittered, nihilistic teenager”

ob·tuse | adjective

stupid or unintelligent; not able to think clearly or to understand what is obvious or simple

tac·i·turn | ˈtasəˌtərn/ | adjective

Quiet, not speaking frequntly; saying little.

ep·och·al | ˈepəkəl/ | adjective

uniquely or highly significant.

aphorism

a short phrase that expresses a true or wise idea

ignoble

of low birth or common origin

lassitude

a condition of weariness or debility: fatigue

furtive

done in a quiet and secret way to avoid being noticed

contrition

the state of feeling sorry for bad behavior

vitriol

harsh and angry words

apoplectic

very angry and excited

uxoriousness

excessively fond of or submissive to a wife

succint

using few words to state or express an opinion

Quotes:

“Wasn’t friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?”

“He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved.”

“What he knew, he knew from books, and books lied, they made things prettier.”

“He now viewed a successful relationship as one in which both people had recognized the best of what the other person had to offer and had chosen to value it as well.”

“It had always seemed to him a very plush kind of problem, a privilege, really, to consider whether life was meaningful or not.”

“Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”

“…when your child dies, you feel everything you’d expect to feel, feelings so well-documented by so many others that I won’t even bother to list them here, except to say that everything that’s written about mourning is all the same, and it’s all the same for a reason – because there is no read deviation from the text. Sometimes you feel more of one thing and less of another, and sometimes you feel them out of order, and sometimes you feel them for a longer time or a shorter time. But the sensations are always the same.

But here’s what no one says – when it’s your child, a part of you, a very tiny but nonetheless unignorable part of you, also feels relief. Because finally, the moment you have been expecting, been dreading, been preparing yourself for since the day you became a parent, has come.

Ah, you tell yourself, it’s arrived. Here it is.

And after that, you have nothing to fear again.”

Homework:

Who is Malcolm Muggeridge? (Malcolm’s namesake)

Explore the work of Lee Lozano (performance artist)

How to make a Ten-Nut cake

Listen to interview with Hanya Yanagihara

Practice mindfulness

Express gratitude to friends & family

PAGE 4 | A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara Inside Cover:  "When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they're broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition.