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blondrichclosetwitch · 2 years

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I bought you

A trumpet you can blow

And a book of rules

On what to say to people

And I forgot my name

And the way back to my mother's house (jakk)

I have seen the fields aflame

And everything I ever did

Was just another way to scream your name (everything done to the trees)

11:11

Hey, haven't seen you around in a while

Hey...

I didn't go to work for a month

I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight

I haven't hung out with anyone

If I did, I'd have nothing to say

I didn't feel angry or depressed

I didn't feel anything at all

Whenever I breathe out, you’re breathing in

(One of my teachers told me in 2018 that the connection between me and Jack was so great that if I pricked my finger, he felt it. That’s what I take this line to mean. I don’t know what exactly is going on with Jack, but I know that in May 2017, they had me convinced that he was tied to Blond‘s bed, bleeding internally, staring at an altar of me being tortured with the dog dead in the corner. I was shown that image this morning while this song played. I heard him say save him. )

Shiv gayatri is a mantra for getting rid of diseases and fear of human life.

We did somethin' we both know it

We don't talk too much about it

Ain't no real big secret all the same

Somehow we get around it

Right now this seems real to you

But it's one of those things

You gotta feel to be true

Somewhere, somehow somebody

Must have kicked you around some

Who knows, maybe you were kidnapped

Tied up, taken away and held for ransom, honey

I've got a hurricane inside my veins and I want to stay forever. Sweetheart, may not be easy But we're trying hard to hold on

But freedom is just another word

When you've no-one left to hurt. (I haven’t figured this one out exactly yet, but it’s definitely important. This is another song about heroin, though.)

You was heckling me, now it's monotony winning regularly, yo

The contract was signed, but I am the addendum

Go against me now, I dare you, Bambi

“If you fuck with Nicki, she’ll burn down the forest and kill all the cute little animals, but not before murdering your mother in front of you.” (Fwiw, there were pictures put in my head of my mother dying, to the point that I called her thinking she was already dead in 2018. )

Bambi also feels impt because that was the first animal I connected to; and then in my teens I was with a hit deer in its last breaths on the side of the road.

I ain't even detonate the bombs in the arsenal(so I was told to talk about the bombs today. There have been a lot of references to bombs going off—-

As a matter of fact this morning when I connected to the element of fire, that’s what I saw in my head. I would say those in the know should probably share their knowledge about that. )

Before the storm comes the calm

Hope you can take the heat like LeBron (this is another reference to fire. People with the gift of sight also have the curse of their house is catching fire quite often. Mine has caught fire twice. So far.)

Anybody with some money should invest now (it’s time for me to turn this into my business)

Your game over, bitch, Gatorade, wet towel (I don’t want to be catty, but seriously.)

I'm on that different type of high, heroin

Put on my cape and hit the sky, heroine (when did heroin become so chic again? )

This is the moment, grab your Kodak (documenting everything that was left for me, including graffiti)

While I'm flying with a flow (not since joan)

And the days been crazy and the nights even wilder(a lot coming through )

And the lights even brighter, baby, stand next to my fire

Only higher is Messiah or notes from Mariah (brightest light is God; mariah is the name of someone I confided in in 2017, who made fun of me behind my back, and then blocked me .)

'Rari six hundred horses, that's my chariot of fire( fire is the element of prophecy, also another reference to the fire )

Where we flyin', they can't find us, all them broke days behind us (apparently this is the very last time I’ll only have 3 dollars to my name, with 20 cents in the bank: seems like there’s symbolism there, 3 being the magic number & 20 being the number of the Judgement card)

I just took your whole life and redesigned it, uh (God’s plan—-this morning I was shown a lot more of my past and my future, and trust me, everything is connected)

I think without makeup, you still bad as hell (cover up or not, the facts are the facts)

I'ma grab your waist, then I'ma grab your face and

Then I'ma taste it, then I'ma blaze it (satan)

Hello all my bad girls, this just in

he fucked her best friend (not naming names, but I see you)

And she let him back in, and he just did it again

He crazy, he blazin', he off the deep end (bam)

I'm blazin', I'm flagrant, I'm crazy, I'm sayin'(personality change)

Too much for the world so they abbreviate him (abbreviate is latin for short.)

His past is her fave, his stats is amaze (what a mind on that boy. )

Her dress is just perf, uh, Prada colored beige (this was left in front of my apt?)

It's obvi we the ish (this is a shortened name for Ishani, which is another name of the goddess Durga)

They say we crazed 'cause our styles so diff' (…..)

They'll be jeal' when we in the mag lookin' magnif (….)

As if I ain't used Magnums on your favorite bad bitch

You want it, I got it, go get it, I’ll buy it

tell ‘em other broke fools be quiet

Shorty, you are the hottest

love the way you drop it

Brain so good, good

this morning went to college

200 K deposit(it seems worth mentioning that one of the first things I was told in the fall of 2016 was that Jakk was given a check by Blond‘s parents for 300 K to open a restaurant.)

#kidnapped tied up taken away and held for ransom #I ain’t even detonate the bombs in the arsenal #spinning

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sunflowermoonie-blog · 7 years

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Webtoon Catch-Up!

Ever since I discovered Naver Webtoon, I got hooked with a lot of webtoons. I was first introduced to the website when Michelle Phan created her own webtoon titled “Helios Femina” on the site. At first, I really didn’t want to sign up since I’m just really curious about Michelle’s webtoon but basically, after I read Helios Femina’s first chapters, I went on discovering new webtoons and here I am, one year later, still reading webtoons on the site.

I do read leisurely at work however, I resigned from my job which means all of my bookmarked chapters are gone since everything has been done on my workstation computer. And even though you have an account on Webtoon, it seems that it doesn’t really keep track of the chapters you’ve read once you transfer to a different computer.

And so my struggle begins. I did create a list of webtoons that I read and luckily for me, I clicked on the subscribe button! Because I have the tendency of not doing it since I’m lazy.

Here are some webtoons I’m currently reading (still on-going) and I’m also going to insert some webtoons that I’ve finished.

Icon references: 🌸 On-going Webtoons, has regular update schedules ⭐️ Completed Webtoons 🔥 On-going Webtoons, has no regular update schedules, if they do, they take a while for respective authors to update (I’m not really demanding for an update, it happens and this is just a disclaimer)

🌸 Oh! Holy, ahyun - a story about a loner guy who has the ability to see the dead and the popular girl he likes until *spoiler* she kinda somehow died.

⭐️ Asleep Beside You, F. Arnott - two people meeting in through their dreams and romance brews.

🌸 Noblesse, Jeho Son/Kwangsu Lee - i don’t even know where to start with this! it’s about Rai, who woke up after 800 years of being asleep and he starts his life anew as a high school student under the school that was founded by his loyal servant, Frankenstein.

🌸 Winter Woods, Cosmos/Van Ji - Winter is created by an alchemist a few years back and he stumbles upon Jane who is a writer and teaches him how to be alive like a human.

🌸 unOrdinary, uru-chan - the story is rotating with John being the “cripple” (a student without powers) and Seraphina who happens to be a high-tier (in terms of power)

🌸 Ecstasy Hearts, silentmaru - Anya, being the daughter of two world class tennis player, wanted to conquer the domain of Professional Tennis until her destined rival came.

🌸 Siren's Lament, instantmiso - Mermaid, curse, human. However, Lyra wasn’t fully consumed by the curse which leads her and Ian (the siren who tried to pass on the curse to Lyra) find out why the curse glitched out.

🌸 Cheese in the Trap, soonkki - the college/university life that I never had, just kidding! Seol is a uni-girl who just came from a break and got involved with Mr. Perfect, Jung. Seol now believes that her life drastically changed ever since being with Jung.

🌸 Kind of Confidential, Vivian Darlin - a story about a normal girl and a fallen superhero. I haven’t really read it through unlike the others in this list but I really like the concept of the story and that art though!

🌸 Super Secret, eon - cute story about a girl who is friends with a boy werewolf!

🌸 Always Human, walkingnorth - two girls in love, conquering anything that comes their way. What more can I say!!

🌸 The Strange Tales of Oscar Zahn, Tri Vuong - following the adventures of paranormal investigator Oscar Zahn. He’s a skull floating above a body but it’s paranormal and it’s normal.

🌸 New Normal: Class 8, youngpaka - stories of normal high school students with not-so-normal students.

🌸 Adamsville (currently on hold for Season 3), Michael Regina - two friends trying to save their towns as they try to piece and unravel their parent’s past.

🌸 Heroin Chic (currently on hold for Season 3), David Tischman/Audrey Mok - Fashion and superhero costumes, Zoe is a designer for superheroes to make sure that they not only save the world but they do it in style.

⭐️ Orange Marmalade (Seokwoo), Where Tangents Meet (instantmiso), For the Sake of Sita (Haga), Annarasumanara (Ilkwon Ha)

🔥 Outside the Box (momo), My Dandelion (omoen), A Thirst of Angels (School of Night), Strawberry Seafoam (KagomesArrow), Unlovable Replacement (nylana), Heartbeats per Second (mjbee)

I hope you guys are able to read all these awesome webtoons and support the creators! They all have wonderful art and the concepts are amazing! 💖💖

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myaekingheart · 6 years

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I feel like I should just stop hoping for better dreams because every time I mention something about having a shitty dream, I always have an even worse one the next night and I'm just not sure it's all that worth it anymore.

As much as I hate doing things out of order, I'm going to start with the second dream I had tonight because the first dream kind of ties in with something else from later on, not so much a dream as it was a scenario or imagining of sorts. So anyways, second dream I had last night was that I was in a big warehouse-style fabric store. I don't exactly remember what I was doing there but the thing I remember most was standing in one of the aisles and they had a collection of capelets hanging up on an extension of one of the shelves. I remember looking through them with the intent of potentially buying one (since I've kind of wanted to get one for a winter variant of my Rapunzel cosplay) but none of them were quite right. The majority of them were either blue or red or fuschia, all warm, thick fabric with white fur trim, except for the one at the front of the collection that was hot pink satin with black lace trim. They were cute, sure, but none of them were exactly what I was looking for. There was also a nude mock neck leotard in the exact size on the other side of the aisle that I remember thinking I should get because the one I ordered online a few months back ended up being way bigger than I thought and I've been lowkey salty about it since. I don't remember if this was part of this same dream sequence or not but I'm going to group it together anyways for the sake of being concise and because of similar subject matter: there was another part of the dream where I remember getting a box in the mail and opening it up to find a pair of yellow bow shoe clips for Snow White that I've had saved on an Amazon wishlist for a while now.

Alright, so here goes the first dream: I don't remember the exact specifics of it but I just remember being someplace, probably my apartment, and my boyfriend's dead ex showed up alive and well. I want to say I remember her knocking on the door and my boyfriend answered it to find her staring back at him with a massive grin on her face and my boyfriend just being completely shell shocked to find that, holy fuck, she's alive??? I remember being in the same room as her, maybe the living room or the kitchen but I don't remember which specifically, and feeling so fucking weird about it, as if something wasn't quite right and we weren't meant to be in the same room together or whatever. There was just something eerie and strange about it, and it all felt so fucking real. I felt like I was literally standing in the same room as her, a foot away from her, comparing myself to her the entire time. About how much smaller I felt compared to her because she was no doubt taller and fuller figured than my tiny, "heroin chic" (so to speak) frame. Comparing myself to her cleavage, her curves, her bright aura and peppy, outgoing nature. Her frilly scene kid clothes and side swept bangs and kawaii, hand-over-mouth selfie face. Meanwhile I'm flat-chested skin and bones filled with cynicism and dark lipstick and black t-shirts and a resting bitch face. I don't remember too many other specifics of the dream except for the fact that when she came back, my boyfriend dumped me. He chose her over me. I know in reality this is impossible because she's more bone than I am by now but still, even knowing she's dead and that's never changing, I still have a constant fear that he'd rather be with her than me. Which brings me to the last dream, even though it was more of a scenario since I was awake (but my eyes were closed, so a lucid dream maybe?). I envisioned my boyfriend and I travelling up north for my best friend's wedding-- my best friend lives in the same state my boyfriend's ex did. At some point during our trip, we pull up to his ex's house to see her family. My boyfriend approaches the front door, meanwhile I hang back by the car nervous and feeling incredibly out of place. Her mother answers and welcomes him inside, glancing back to me suspiciously before my boyfriend realizes I never followed him up and motions for me to come with him. I wander inside after him and instantly feel nauseous, like I know I'm not meant to be there and that it feels weird being there in the first place as this was a house I only ever saw in my imagination and in the background of pictures I've snooped through. It feels like sneaking backstage at Disneyland-- you're not supposed to be there but you've thought about it countless times and seen pictures of it on the internet but not even those can prepare you for what really being there is like. It was all so vivid, too, like I felt like I was actually stepping foot in this house, this mausoleum filled with her memories and belongings. I remember sitting next to my boyfriend on the couch in the living room as he chatted with her parents and older brother, only half listening to the conversation as I clenched my legs together and prayed for some sort of escape or emergency to get me out of there. I remember retreating behind everyone's backs out to the back porch and just staring out into the backyard, motionless and almost even breathless. I remember thinking of what would happen if her brother found me out there, of what would happen if I told him, this stranger, everything I was feeling. Of this strange and disgusting relationship I have with the ghost of his dead sister. Of how I hoped he'd pity me and tell me not to feel the way I am, but knowing deep down that that's selfish idealism and that of course he'd rather me be dead than his beloved baby sister, even if her death had absolutely nothing to do with me. I imagined sitting there in that living room with my boyfriend and his dead ex's family and feeling so out of place. I imagined her mother eyeing me like a rabies-infested rat that needs to be killed immediately and speaking to me in passive aggressive tones, ignoring me as best she could. And why wouldn't she? How dare I steal such a great guy from her sweet angel? Her daughter certainly deserves him way more than I ever will. I remember after a while, I couldn't handle it anymore-- any of it-- and just rushed out of the house, mumbling that this was a mistake and that I never should've went there. I sped down the street, refusing to look back, arms crossed and eyes locked on the ground in front of me, not even caring where I was going. I didn't even know where I was going. So long as I got as far away from that house, I didn't seem to really care. I thought anywhere would've been better than there, or at least until I reached a wooden fence surrounding a big, green field with a single grave in the center of it: her grave. I must've jumped the fence because I remember approaching it and feeling like I was going to be sick, and then sitting beside it with knees drawn up to my chest and just staring at it, and thinking how strange it is to be sitting right there above her dead body, finally in the same vicinity as her. Praying that that was the slap of reality I needed to finally knock some sense into me, to stop worrying about if my boyfriend would still choose her over me if she was alive, because she wasn't alive and that was the hard truth solidified right then and there. I remember wondering what happened at the house after I left, imagining her family being offended at my abrupt departure and wondering if my boyfriend would grab his things and chase after me, try to find me, make sure I was safe or whatever. My mind defaulted to that being the case, that he'd come after me, which would probably be the most likely case, but fearing that perhaps there was a chance he wouldn't. That her family would be important to him than me. That he'd rather stay with them enveloped in grief for her than retrieve me from a strange, unfamiliar place or a self-torturous situation. I still think that should've been me. That I should've died instead. I'm the one who deserves to be decomposing six feet under. Fuck, here we fucking go again with this shit. It's like the self hatred and obsessive thoughts about this will never fucking end.

#ramblings #weird dreams

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