#like there’s nothing diffinitive about the memory

[lethimrunsonia]

You know that feeling when everyone’s life is hurting them and we’re all traumatized and you think “if I knew you back then I would have held your hand and told you your spirit was burning enough that when we made it out we could burn it all away” but you can’t do that so you have to hold their hand and try to hold them now but you can’t fix any of it and you are just someone that sits in their apartment all day because of COVID so you try to to do art and projects and cooking and loving from afar but it’s not the same and you aren’t good enough to do it and your world is now very small and it should be enough it should be enough but I’m still shedding the stuff from before and it’s not enough, I want to touch people and heal them otherwise why am I here but I also know I want to touch them because i want to, and that’s so selfish of me to think I have something to give

#anyway who knows that this is I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I need to drink water #anyways I feel useless and I don’t wanna do anything and I want to kiss all my friends and love them but I barely touch the only people #I see anymore unless it’s Chris and then poor Chris has to cuddle me all the time #and that kills me I want to do things for them I want so much but I also can’t even fucking form an idea without getting a headache #and my adhd makes me hyper focus on one thing and then I don’t reply to my friends like normal #and I forget to answer my girlfriend and that’s awful #and I’m trying to remember something in therapy but even if it’s what I think it is then what does that mean????? #like there’s nothing diffinitive about the memory #but it makes me freak out #and I love my dad’s side of the family but they don’t love me #I love so many people but I can’t do it right cause I’m weird and i feel like I’m back in high school where everyone hates me and I have #no friends or sense of self and just getting ill constantly #like why did I go through everything if I can’t do anything with it #why did my sister die slowly in front of my eyes as children #why did my mom sink into a souls crushing depression that she barely recovered from #why did I have to raise myself alone #why was I always alone? #why did my dad have to be abused #so then he’d abuse me in some weird sense of protecting me #why did his parents have to fuck me up too? #why didn’t anyone stand up for me #why did I have to stand up for me constantly by myself #why did I have to be the strongest person #why can’t my dad love me #why does he have to be everything I hate and praise trump and hate gay people and anyone who speaks Spanish #why didn’t anyone step up to be a surrogate parent? #why didn’t anyone help me? #why was I forgotten in my room forever to cry to mulan and talk to my dolls? #why can’t his parents treat me like an adult except for when I’m with my husband cause I did something normal and got married???? #why does our family try to deal with everyone by themselves and when I try to react out it doesn’t work