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#like? actually dating someone????

The day this website realises that labels should simply be a way to describe an overarching theme of a persons lived reality rather than shoehorning every microscopic detail of a persons life into a different pseudoscientific term as a way to seek ~validity~ from strangers online is the day I’ll know peace

#not to invite disc horse in the year of our lord 2020 but bruh, #i be out here... seeing things... and i just dont care for it??, #contrary to popular belief there are a lot of ways to be a lesbian actually, #you can be ace you can be non-binary you can be a questioning wlw that only wants to date women at the moment while you figure it all out, #because ultimately it just has to be a theme of your lived reality like actual real life stuff that is happening to you, #being like ''i think this broadly describes my current situation pretty accurately'' is like.. as far as these labels should go, #you don't need a label for ''i have trust issues'' or ''i struggle to experience attraction because im traumatised'' you need a therapist, #i say this from a place of love as a deeply traumatised dyke with a therapist, #big up halima, #but seriously dont stagnate because you've defined yourself into a tiny box because someone on the internet said it was valid, #also while we're here and youre reading these tags like what the fuck set her off it was the lesbian masterdoc discourse, #the fact that it explains experiences that also apply to bi women is not biphobia, #its a facet of the fact that women experiencing attraction to women have shared lived experiences, #there isnt some hard line to cross with lesbians trying to recruit and convert innocent bi girls to be evil dykes its just not happening, #if bi women read it and go OH SHIT THATS ME IM DEFINITELY A LESBIAN thats cause for celebration, #if they read it and go OH SHIT ME TOO but also I don't fully relate and I'm still bi then fuck yeah thats fine, #like literally nobody is forcing anyone to read it, #shared experiences... are normal and good actually, #also while were here, #gender non-conformity or being transfeminine or non-binary does not make you immune to being a lesbian, #dont make me tap the sign, #but like in all seriousness lesbian is such a good term with a rich history of gender non conformity and inclusivity, #and its our responsibility as a collective to emphasize that the community can and does include transfeminine and nb identities, #because it literally has in the past its a really recent modern change if you look historically, #half the reputation is just straight up lesbophobia i cant even lie, #but also a collective effort to be openly intersectional can only bring good things, #wow this went off on a tangent, #but also theres so many microdefinitions drawing these hard weird chopped up lines across the community, #and it makes me sad, #so stop it.. just fuckin live your life... and get a therapist... can be related i just think therapy is good anyway bye
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i think i had a really great productive/lazy day. haha weird combo, don’t ya think? but i mean it really was. i think i cleaned literally everything and organized the crap outta my life (shoutout to the junk closet that was screaming my name). i got ahead on a project and also somehow got in five hours of screen time. five hours is a lot for me at least, but youtube was just calling my name today so that’s just what happened. oh yeah, and i actually got in a workout today after taking two days off because i was sick (i had to do arm day because apparently doing cardio “isn’t good for someone who can barely breathe right now”… gotta love my mother though lol) but yeah, i made use of my day and also chilled a bit so i think that’s a win win

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@thesaddestchorusgirlintheworld on a kris kristofferson intelligence link related tip, this is Jim Morrison’s dad and apparently there’s a wealth of spun off conspiracy theorizing but I haven’t dug into it yet…

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if you ever wanna make yourself really sad, please consult this particular headcanon of mine

that Shuichi’s reaction to anyone asking him out or asking if he wants to be their friend

is that his face goes red, and he ducks his head down a little, and mumbles along the lines of, “so what, you’re trying to make fun of me or something?”

this boy has been through some SHIT and people are ASSHOLES-

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I was aiming for completely ace, maybe sex-neutral leaning towards sex-repulsed, but you’re free to interpret it however you wish! 

#i've basically just thrown him in the general direction of the spectrum and tried to keep the canon characterisation but he KNOWS he's ace, #this is assuming he ACTUALLY fully trusts the person and thinks they care of course, #pretty sure he'd put too much faith in people which is why a good friendship would mean the person literally has no ulterior motive, #but I actually think that Loki would do this neat little thing where he’d force himself to sleep with someone if he thinks they want to, #loki would just hate to be a burden or make them think he’s not more broken and all :), #assuming he somehow manages to get this far and they’re dating and the partner isn’t ace of course, #if the other person was also ace they would be more likely to pick up on the ‘wouldn’t want to impose by saying no’ mindset, #but you’ve also got to keep in mind that loki would have to recognize himself as asexual in the first place for this to work out, #dude’s got worth issues literally in both directions, #so on one hand he wouldn’t put himself in a situation where he feels forced into anything, #on the other hand if he’s in that position he wouldn’t want to opt out, #basically how much he values his own interest would vary so there’s loads of directions that could go, #feel free to DM me if it's easier but I don't mind the anons, #not since I started getting 'Laufey tops Odin' anons, #don't ask, #yes that is as bad as it sounds, #it's also as funny as it sounds XD, #loki's really just got trust issues AND worth issues in both directions, #there's a reason I don't think MCU Loki needs a love interest, #especially not at this point, #see i've already forgotten to mention the fact that he's a frost giant and has that whole thing to keep him from *wanting* a relationship, #maybe he doesn't think he deserves it or maybe he's happy with just a friend, #depends on the person I guess
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Honestly dnt think ill ever be in a relationship. Not for depressing reasons but bc i dont want to be in one, im not saying this cuz i wanna sound cool and different but not many people have the same amount of passion for loving another person like i do, ofc there are ppl but I genuinely think there are not many people like that.

#like i think people actually over estimate the amount of people who just do everything with good intentions or for selfless reasons, #and i mean on a real and deep level not on a level that just surface and for show but walk through life with doing shit with nun but good, #intentions even behind closed doors and ppl absolutely over estimate the people who are selfless, #we never know someones true intentions EVER alot of ppl do these things for show and ive ran into more ppl who are like this than not, #hence why i have a vvvvvvv limited group of friends, #i dont want any mf in my space thats not on the same page as me and that is good beliefs no not the petty ones but how they treat people in, #if ur not doing shit w good intentions i honestly do not want u in my space period, #and yall cant knock my intuition so dont come for me cuz i trust my intuition more than i trust myself, #it has never lead me astray and it has always came up in the end that those said people were actually trash like i just know, #idk like i just dont think im a fan of relationships. too many people are deiven for one for selfish reasons and i dont have time to fuck w, #bullshit people taking advantage of my goodness and empathy, #bc i will, #move a fucking mountain or even a whole fuckin country w the rage i have for people of that nature, #and to have them do it to ME, #????, #no id rather be dead than to have that happen im not here for yall to get ur energy from, #im not here for those reasons and um jot putting myself in that situation, #ESPECIALLY these days where dating is actually fucking dead 🤷‍♀️ no ones sating theyre just fuckin and being a pos to each other, #so im good on dating and relationships. id rather be alone than to have that possibility, #dont care
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So, um… I typed out, like, a three-page-long response to this and then just let it sit in my inbox for a few days before deciding I’m not quite ready to put my whole story out there yet, but to answer your question in short form, it took a long time.

My aro identity is partially trauma-based (I don’t like to use the word trauma because I wasn’t abused or anything serious like that, but I’ve talked to people with actual trauma and the effects that time period had on me are apparently the same effects that they experience due to PTSD)? So… that affects it a little bit…? I don’t think I ever would’ve been happy in a romantic relationship (for reasons I’ll discuss below), but the severe panic attacks I sometimes get at the mere unexpected mention of romance are probably due to The Thing that I’m not ready to talk about.

Keep reading

#{uhhhh not gonna tag with a tw but lmk if you want anything tagged!!}, #aromantic, #aro experience, #{the concept of dating still made me so uncomfortable and I literally didn't get it}, #{but now I feel so relieved being like 'oh actually I'm allowed to love my friends?'}, #{he also doesn't strike me as the type who would want to live w/someone else so that was probably unrealistic on my part anyway LOL}, #{but again this was all coming from the mindset of 'everyone's gotta get married at some point right?'}, #{but now I'm... so much more relaxed all the time when thinking about the future}, #{I personally DO want a roommate at least for a while and I'm gonna get to do that w/my female best friend}, #{and I can go visit my male best friend and be happy for him and how much he's succeeding in life}, #{without this constant doubt in the back of my head because I have to be thinking about 'growing up' and doing stuff like dating}, #{it's taken a WHILE but I'm finally content to accept that that's just not who I am}, #{I'm a daughter of God first; I'm a daughter of loving human parents and a best friend of two amazing people second}, #{I'm a creative writer and an emotional empath who's learning to regulate my mental illnesses}, #{that's who I am! and it's okay if my identity is never as someone's girlfriend/wife!! it is not a prerequisite for happiness}, #{screw society I'm gonna go hiking with my youth group and take my friends out for dinner}, #{and run across campus in the rain to give my best friend a hot chocolate before a presentation because I love him}, #{and none of that is invalid because I'm aromantic. my experiences are meaningful to ME and I'm learning that that's what matters}, #{that turned into a LONG ramble yikes}, #[ the wordsmith - OC related ], #[ outside the forge - not writing related ], #anon
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- I spent the week worrying about the fact that my doctor was supposed to call me but I had no phone reception, and hadn’t received any voicemail when I got back into range either. Faced my phone-shyness and rang the office today only to discover she hadn’t even tried to call me because my blood work had just never turned up from the lab, so she’d forgotten about it. Hmm. Apparently it should be sorted by tomorrow. 

- So, in high contrast to the negative vibes of my first work exchange host, the next folks were much more positive and happier, but also…you know that “hierarchy of conspiracy theories” triangle graphic that’s been floating around, from “actually happened” to the bright red “danger zone”? They were solidly in that zone. They had a bunker. I had never been in someone’s bunker before. Now I have. I mean, it was cool. The fact that they were building their own house and devoted to sustainable living and permaculture was very neat, I was impressed. I was also a little overwhelmed by the male host’s personality (let’s not speak of The Catholic Argument), and tired of being, again, the “captive trans person for easy cis interrogation”. Eventually I did just tell the guy his questions were too personal and google was his friend- surprisingly, he did apologize. In the end I was both happy to hug them good-bye, and quite contented to be leaving.  

- So now I’m staying in what I thought was going to be a hippie commune but is actually just a housing collective of mainly retirement-age folks. I am back to largely doing gardening, cleaning, and eating a lot of toast because meals are not provided. And sneezing my head off because apparently I’m allergic to everything here, unlike last spring which I spent in a different climate zone! But I have my own room and great wifi and they’re flexible about the hours I work. I just hope they don’t find me too antisocial, because I am tired. So tired. 

- Turns out I do, in fact, need a U.S. background check to apply for a Taiwanese job-seeking visa. That’s a huge pain in the ass. I feel like I might as well just wait for the student policy to change. (Who knows when that will be). I feel like I’m just in limbo, killing time now, which is…depressing. Probably why I’m tired. Or maybe because I have not had any truly re-energizing social interaction since I hung out with a friend over a month ago (before she left the country)? God, maybe it’s time for me to try that queer dating app my therapist suggested… 

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It’s a sublime kinda day I think

#in other words I wish I was high, #also I realized I know someone who could absolutely get me drugs no questions asked how did I not think of them before, #haven’t spoken to them since the hospital but they’re a fucking real g man, #they’re the poor city of Poughkeepsie type that would give you the shirt off your back if you asked despite being poor as shit themselves, #the realest people on earth are here man say what you want about to where I live but these real ones, #I’d be out with them and forget my wallet and they’d buy shit for me even tho I could just go back and get my wallet, #I’m paying them absolutely tho lol I owe them so much already, #just even for sticking with me and seeing me in the hospital, #so if I was like hey man can I get some edibles they would absolutely come through and I trust them, #some people just cool as all hell like that, #just like T the girl I dated before I realized I was gay she’s the same way, #ive never met anyone quite as incredible as her you’d say damn I wish I had a quarter and she’d hand you her whole wallet, #she actually has given me the shirt off her back before, #sweatshirt but still there some selfless fuckin people here, #anyways yeah I had a weird morning and I’m in a mood and I think I need a little bit of special get happy candy lmfao, #can’t get it that fast tho so I’ll just drink I guess lol, #connor talks, #drug tw, #also chill it’s decriminalized here I just can’t get caught carrying and I’m fine
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So my friends and I were joking around, pretending to be all over protective because A had a date in an hour and we ended up talking about who’s more intimidating.

A: Brindle is scary when she talks, but E looks more intimidating

Me: But he’s got noodle arms tho! I’ve got more muscle than him

E: Your arms are as noodly as mine.

Me: Prove it then, flex them biceps boi

A: *squeezes E’s arm* Yeah that’s a noodle

Me: *flexes*

A: Wtf these are solid rocks

E: That’s literally impossible lemme see *squeezes mah arm*

E: How the fuck?!

Me: Ever carried 8 steak plates on your arm every twenty minutes? Or carried two paper bundles because your cart broke?

E: But… But you’re a noodle!

Me: A noodle made of rocks

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i hate that whenever i feel sad and especially *********, i go on tinder for an ego boost. it just feels (and is) so vain and so shallow, but it works. and it always gives me the validation i crave, knowing there are a lot of people out there that see my worth in the superficial image i project on a vapid dating up (i mean, that’s what everyone does on these apps, it’s pretty much the nature of the game), and i simultaneously love and hate it all

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Thank you for that Maddie! But also I’d like some context for the Buck comment. are we to assume that Maddie spent a lot of the time “raising” Buck when they were younger? because Maddie still has her hands full.

They’re so cute together, throwing popcorn in the kitchen! and like omg they both throw the sarcasm back and forth so well, I’m so into it omg.

“To eviscerate someone?”

This is too good. I love Howie too in this scene, adjusting to not being a kid himself. I feel that 100%.

A firm maybe. someday.

Buck. except Buck has his Christopher.

omg so okay. here we go okay. They had this conversation at the staion house about Buck, being upset, staying in bed all day. The next thing we see Eddie do is go over and try to get Buck out of his rut. ok. okay I see you.

The second, Buck saw Christopher, his entire face lit up. holy shit.holy shit.

Buck learns something everyday, from this child.

And yes, I’m absolutely crying rn. leave me alone! this man and this child.

Christopher is out here, roasting Buck, and I stan.

You’re gonna be okay, kid.

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