I fake dated my friend for two days to get back at our other friends but it was so exhausting we broke up
The day this website realises that labels should simply be a way to describe an overarching theme of a persons lived reality rather than shoehorning every microscopic detail of a persons life into a different pseudoscientific term as a way to seek ~validity~ from strangers online is the day I’ll know peace
i think i had a really great productive/lazy day. haha weird combo, don’t ya think? but i mean it really was. i think i cleaned literally everything and organized the crap outta my life (shoutout to the junk closet that was screaming my name). i got ahead on a project and also somehow got in five hours of screen time. five hours is a lot for me at least, but youtube was just calling my name today so that’s just what happened. oh yeah, and i actually got in a workout today after taking two days off because i was sick (i had to do arm day because apparently doing cardio “isn’t good for someone who can barely breathe right now”… gotta love my mother though lol) but yeah, i made use of my day and also chilled a bit so i think that’s a win win
Being touch starved and getting basically no affection is making me feel so empty…
if you ever wanna make yourself really sad, please consult this particular headcanon of mine
that Shuichi’s reaction to anyone asking him out or asking if he wants to be their friend
is that his face goes red, and he ducks his head down a little, and mumbles along the lines of, “so what, you’re trying to make fun of me or something?”
this boy has been through some SHIT and people are ASSHOLES-
thinking abt sexuality again and i don’t know who i am anymore 😁
I was aiming for completely ace, maybe sex-neutral leaning towards sex-repulsed, but you’re free to interpret it however you wish!
Honestly dnt think ill ever be in a relationship. Not for depressing reasons but bc i dont want to be in one, im not saying this cuz i wanna sound cool and different but not many people have the same amount of passion for loving another person like i do, ofc there are ppl but I genuinely think there are not many people like that.
I really think that a failed prolonged talking stage is worse than a proper breakup because you didn’t even really get to try and you have to live with that “what if” in the back of your mind for the rest of your life and it’s just so sad idk
So, um… I typed out, like, a three-page-long response to this and then just let it sit in my inbox for a few days before deciding I’m not quite ready to put my whole story out there yet, but to answer your question in short form, it took a long time.
My aro identity is partially trauma-based (I don’t like to use the word trauma because I wasn’t abused or anything serious like that, but I’ve talked to people with actual trauma and the effects that time period had on me are apparently the same effects that they experience due to PTSD)? So… that affects it a little bit…? I don’t think I ever would’ve been happy in a romantic relationship (for reasons I’ll discuss below), but the severe panic attacks I sometimes get at the mere unexpected mention of romance are probably due to The Thing that I’m not ready to talk about.
- I spent the week worrying about the fact that my doctor was supposed to call me but I had no phone reception, and hadn’t received any voicemail when I got back into range either. Faced my phone-shyness and rang the office today only to discover she hadn’t even tried to call me because my blood work had just never turned up from the lab, so she’d forgotten about it. Hmm. Apparently it should be sorted by tomorrow.
- So, in high contrast to the negative vibes of my first work exchange host, the next folks were much more positive and happier, but also…you know that “hierarchy of conspiracy theories” triangle graphic that’s been floating around, from “actually happened” to the bright red “danger zone”? They were solidly in that zone. They had a bunker. I had never been in someone’s bunker before. Now I have. I mean, it was cool. The fact that they were building their own house and devoted to sustainable living and permaculture was very neat, I was impressed. I was also a little overwhelmed by the male host’s personality (let’s not speak of The Catholic Argument), and tired of being, again, the “captive trans person for easy cis interrogation”. Eventually I did just tell the guy his questions were too personal and google was his friend- surprisingly, he did apologize. In the end I was both happy to hug them good-bye, and quite contented to be leaving.
- So now I’m staying in what I thought was going to be a hippie commune but is actually just a housing collective of mainly retirement-age folks. I am back to largely doing gardening, cleaning, and eating a lot of toast because meals are not provided. And sneezing my head off because apparently I’m allergic to everything here, unlike last spring which I spent in a different climate zone! But I have my own room and great wifi and they’re flexible about the hours I work. I just hope they don’t find me too antisocial, because I am tired. So tired.
- Turns out I do, in fact, need a U.S. background check to apply for a Taiwanese job-seeking visa. That’s a huge pain in the ass. I feel like I might as well just wait for the student policy to change. (Who knows when that will be). I feel like I’m just in limbo, killing time now, which is…depressing. Probably why I’m tired. Or maybe because I have not had any truly re-energizing social interaction since I hung out with a friend over a month ago (before she left the country)? God, maybe it’s time for me to try that queer dating app my therapist suggested…
It’s a sublime kinda day I think
sexuality is weird
So my friends and I were joking around, pretending to be all over protective because A had a date in an hour and we ended up talking about who’s more intimidating.
A: Brindle is scary when she talks, but E looks more intimidating
Me: But he’s got noodle arms tho! I’ve got more muscle than him
E: Your arms are as noodly as mine.
Me: Prove it then, flex them biceps boi
A: *squeezes E’s arm* Yeah that’s a noodle
A: Wtf these are solid rocks
E: That’s literally impossible lemme see *squeezes mah arm*
E: How the fuck?!
Me: Ever carried 8 steak plates on your arm every twenty minutes? Or carried two paper bundles because your cart broke?
E: But… But you’re a noodle!
Me: A noodle made of rocks
i hate that whenever i feel sad and especially *********, i go on tinder for an ego boost. it just feels (and is) so vain and so shallow, but it works. and it always gives me the validation i crave, knowing there are a lot of people out there that see my worth in the superficial image i project on a vapid dating up (i mean, that’s what everyone does on these apps, it’s pretty much the nature of the game), and i simultaneously love and hate it all
Thank you for that Maddie! But also I’d like some context for the Buck comment. are we to assume that Maddie spent a lot of the time “raising” Buck when they were younger? because Maddie still has her hands full.
They’re so cute together, throwing popcorn in the kitchen! and like omg they both throw the sarcasm back and forth so well, I’m so into it omg.
“To eviscerate someone?”
This is too good. I love Howie too in this scene, adjusting to not being a kid himself. I feel that 100%.
A firm maybe. someday.
Buck. except Buck has his Christopher.
omg so okay. here we go okay. They had this conversation at the staion house about Buck, being upset, staying in bed all day. The next thing we see Eddie do is go over and try to get Buck out of his rut. ok. okay I see you.
The second, Buck saw Christopher, his entire face lit up. holy shit.holy shit.
Buck learns something everyday, from this child.
And yes, I’m absolutely crying rn. leave me alone! this man and this child.
Christopher is out here, roasting Buck, and I stan.
You’re gonna be okay, kid.