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#the instinct to disappear and leave has been strong...at first that's what i thought i was going to do, #at one point i cried for hours and it got gruesomely poetic when my brain came up with 'you shattered my heart and broke my soul, #and took the last of my hope-what more do you want to take from me?', #so i knew then id have to be alone for this to never happen again, #when she asked the question 'is she worth it/enough?' immediately i whispered 'i know im not' i already knew the answer, #i dont think she realized she'd already told it to me and that's why my heart broke, #i tried to play it off as aloof and fine like nbg ive just given up and accepted ill always be alone 'someday' will never come, #i made the harley manifesto saying id keep my heart open + trust even though it opens you to being hurt bc its better than not loving at all, #but at this point there's nothing left of me hoping for this will kill me so ive given up i relinquished it, #so i cried i thought i could be alone again but...my soul aches, #i got a brief glimpse of it and i still want it...once you get a taste...but i wish i didnt so the pain could stop, #but im tired of being hurt and trying to fix what i didn't break...why does it always have to be me? bc im lonely-, #always having to be the bigger person and beaten and trampled on and heart broken again and again desperately wanting connection, #and im tired of still suffering inside when it's proven to me again and again im not worth it and my existence only deserves pain, #just once i wanted to be worth it...just once, #but if im not to even the person who claims a wretched thing ill never be...ive had to accept that, #but it doesnt hurt any less, #i wish i could stop caring, #i wish i could have what everyone else has, #but ill never get it...no matter how much i try, #i wish it wasnt an innate human need so i could squash it and throw it away so it could stop torturing me, #and now i dont know what to do, #and i cant seem to stay the tears, #and to be clear if you happen to see this it aint an ultimatum it's me accepting reality and being tortured on main, #and like after i wrote this yesterday i felt Much better but it seems now depression is back and every night especially i get sad again, #and if you could have your vent posts that literally said i am not worth it you can let me have this one vent post, #im not mad it's fine im just despondent and this is technically a journal and its supposed to help me process apparently, #im just tired of being trapped in an endless cycle of pain and heartbreak and im fine its fine im just writing and ignore this, #at least i determined im not done yet but it's hard and lonely and some days i really do think im in hell, #p
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I realize that most of my tv critiques boil down to “cut 20% of the episodes” but I am also right about that

Sometimes the length is Just Right but I rarely feel like a show is Too Short to achieve what it is trying to achieve. If I want more it’s bc it was good, not because it actually needed more

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its embarrassing so i won’t be sharing any of the videos i used to be obsessed w/ as a kid on youtube like i used to watch people’s covers of different songs i liked on guitar/piano/violin/etcetc you know and its like crazy bc theyre all like 10+ years old. and then like evne now i still like to watch people’s renditions of songs i like on yt or if im trying to learn something on piano sometimes i reference videos and sometimes the videos are super old like 2008 or something and its like idk. the internet is a graveyard

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I really fucking hate having ibs. like this has genuinely ruined my life and my health in so many ways and its so fucking frustrating

I haven’t eaten anything since Friday because I haven’t had weed and thats the only thing that gives me an appetite anymore. my stomach doesn’t hurt at all but obviously I’m weak and shakey and tired and just all around feel exaughsted because my body has literally no nutrients to keep it going

but then I make myself some soup, which I have to make from scratch so it has none of my trigger foods which takes a lot of effort and energy that i already dont have but i push myself and do it anyway and im not even 3 fucking spoonfuls into this fucking broth and already my intestines are cramping and my kidneys feel like someone donkey kicked them

like im literally gonna fucking cry. i dont eat im exaughsted and feel like shit I do eat im in excruciating pain like wtf!!! am I supposed to do!!!

and im still fucking sober!!!

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the eternal struggle of being mlm and seeing a cute dude in flannel and not being sure if hes wearing it in a gay way or a woodsy way or both 

#in my case its both, #but like nothing sucks more than being like oh this dude cute and finding out hes a homophobic redneck, #didint u kno the forest was made for men to kiss each other in??? idiot, #what do you think lumberjacks do all day they be hittin that wood, #really want a bf who is as woodsy as i am but not like pretentious bout it yknow, #like im not smart i cant identify plants and i dont follow safety measures, #i almost fell off a mountain bc i wanted to carve my own hiking path, #if you think thats cute hmu bc thats the kinda shit im about, #i dont listen to hoizer sorry im just like really into trees and rocks, #i shouldnt even say pretentious thats not the right word, #like. who are just really normal about it, #like the people who hike for exercise not bc they have an eternal longing to fucking dig holes in the woods for no good reason, #like everyone gansta until youre dead serious about hiking off trail in search of danger, #if you dont wanna get fucked up and covered in mud youre not the type of woodsy i mean bro, #like my ex was like that and theres nothing wrong with that but i just cannot sit still taking pictures at the edge of the woods, #i gotta get IN THERE or i will explode, #just like know thats what i mean when i mean hiking, #connor talks, #anyways im starting a journal about my finds in the woods once my new notebook comes so like if you guys are interested ill share it more, #i'll take pictures too like i know the place pretty well and i know where some neat stuff ot photograph would be, #like theres the trees over the water and that abandoned baby carriage and the big clearing that gets flooded sometimes, #ive also been meaning to make a map and thatll help, #im not really good at that but hey its a learning experience
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I don’t know if this is an obvious thing to say, but one thing about Jess and Rory that is unique to them in comparison to Deanrory and R*gan is that they have a story you can fall in love with. Dean and Rory from the pilot were obviously supposed to be a couple and it moved relatively quick. He treated her horribly, and then when they broke up and he was supposedly pining after her during season four, it felt so inauthentic and boring. The affair was awful and then their relationship in season five felt so forced, like they weren’t really in love anymore. For L*gan, they didn’t have much of a buildup either (and during the episodes in season five before they got together, his teasing her and leading her on was just…not good). Then, their friends with benefits, no strings attached thing was boring and hurting Rory, and when they started to date, I was either pissed off about what was happening or was bored out of my mind. And then in the revival, L*gan and Rory’s relationship wasn’t so much “falling back together after all this time” and was more like “let’s force this relationship while he’s engaged until Rory can’t take it more.” And Dean’s scene in the revival seemed like it was supposed to be nostalgic and sweet but the fact that the way they were talking about the relationship wasn’t accurate in the slightest doesn’t make it seem like a good end to their story, if that makes sense. Neither Deanrory nor R*gan has romantic, iconic scenes (“I love you, you idiot!” might be the only popular one with Dean but I really don’t think it’s as romantic as people make it out to be. With L*gan, that scene in 5x07 is like their one iconic scene but like the scene with Dean I just mentioned I think it’s overrated). Neither are ships are beautiful stories that, say, Taylor Swift could write a song about. But with Rory and Jess, it’s different. Their buildup, their relationship, the breakup, and the angst onward is incomparable. And I can’t think of a more eloquent way to say this, but so many of their lines and scenes are just so well written (not necessarily plots, since they got very contrived at times). Like, I’d like to see Deanrory and R*gan stans try to come up with a scene like when Jess tells Rory he loves her. I can’t think of any scenes for those two ships that are as iconic as “maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess!” or “I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go,” or the entirety of Jess’ speech in 4x21. This might just be because I’m Team Jess, but I’ve seen the show multiple times and I’ve never felt like Deanrory or R*gan have ever come close to Literati. Their whole story, where they keep finding each other and helping each other and breaking each other’s hearts is something I could spend hours talking about, for better or for worse. Even through the revival, where nothing romantic happens or they never really look back on their relationship. Jess giving Rory the idea for her book and then the window scene (along with “so, then, you’re over that, right?) doesn’t feel like an end to their story at all, either.

TL;DR Literati is the only Rory ship that Taylor Swift could write sad and beautiful breakup songs about

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thinking about Ray getting separated from her found family 😢

tis ok though! she’s probably finding more with the party 😉

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