#like. Having an autism diagnosis is a Big Thing and for a lot of people it actively causes issues

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

autism awareness & autism acceptance not either or. not mutually exclusive. can coexist. need coexist.

“there enough awareness for autism already 🙄 we need acceptance”

ok. you aware of high support needs autism? aware what that even means? not “need reminder take meds need remind take shower” “high” support needs autism, but “need full physical help do bADLs lack danger awareness may accidentally hurt self or even kill self without support” high support needs autism? not just higher support needs people who can be independently online do advocacy, but those who need help from others even be online, or those who cannot be online at. all.?

aware of nonverbal nonspeaking people? not just nonverbal nonspeaking people who can write grammatically correct cannot tell apart base on writing. not just nonverbal nonspeaking people who can be online who can advocate online.

aware of nonverbal nonspeaking people who cannot communicate in way that easily understood, either for now, or ever? aware of nonverbal nonspeaking people without functional communication, aware of how without functional communication, how that drastically limit communication, even though behaviors are valid communication? aware of nonverbal nonspeaking people who may never use AAC fluently even with best support?

aware of technically verbal but very limited verbal autistics who may only able say wants & needs but not other things and certainly not online advocacy, “despite being verbal”?

aware of just how much our life depends on caregiver/carer/PCA/etc? aware how vulnerable that make us? aware of abuse from caregivers? aware of caregiver burnout from lack of support for caregivers, & how that impact our care we receive? have you even heard of term respite care? aware of those of us who cannot separate ourselves from caregiver? aware of those of us who cannot participate in autism community without caregiver?

aware of visibly autistic people? aware how we not automatically believed? aware how we often bear blunt of violence because we most easily identified target because we visible? aware visible =/= get support, aware that many those diagnosed severe who now adult so no longer qualify for services under 21 year old, languish in hospitals because nowhere to go? aware how long life saving necessary waitlists are? aware that even to this day parents have to fight school fight day service fight government fight insurance for them give their nonverbal nonspeaking child AAC & be properly taught how use it? actually, are you aware of how properly teach AAC to nonverbal nonspeaking, developmentally delayed child who may or may not have intellectual disability?

actually, aware of autistics with (correctly diagnosed) intellectual disability & how they make up big amount of autistic? aware of institutional systemic & legal impact of mental [r word] right & the human rights abuse justified using r word right? wait, you aware that r word come from old term for intellectual disability, that, actually, still in many laws because no one bothered updating, right? aware of what severe profound ID look like? and aware they real and they still human deserve education deserve life deserve care, yes?

aware of early diagnosis 20 30 or even 10 years ago, not same as now, even less resources & knowledge about autism now? aware that while gender race class 1000% impacted diagnoses, a lot of early diagnosed people early diagnosed because… they die without support unlocked by diagnosis, right? but also, aware that in old times, early diagnosis often did mean doom, not because autism bad or anything, but because severe lack of support & diagnosis can literally bar you from so many things including basic education?

aware that for many people in special education, which impact specific group of autistic people, they not get degree when graduate high school, they just get certificate, which limit their educational & employment opportunities & others?

aware of life saving importance and necessity of masking for autistic of color especially Black autistic people, despite stress inducing traumatic? aware that live in broken system be victim of hate crime & police brutality just as traumatic often even more traumatic than masking? aware that many Black & other parents of color forced to teach their child masking because of this?

are you aware of most marginalized autistic people? aware of leadership of most impacted?

aware you can and need to care about autistic experiences & form of autism you not experience? aware that you can and need to do that without try twist your experience into our experience into our words our community?

aware that advocacy goes beyond about you?

aware that you can’t speak for all autistic? aware that you shouldn’t speak for all autistic?

are you aware of when you need to stop talking & listen & amplify others? aware of when and how to decenter self?

aware that even this long post, barely scratch surface? still so much to say?

[better worded version of original post]

#loaf screm #actually autistic #autism acceptence month #autism awareness #autism awareness month #high support needs #long post #nonverbal #nonspeaking #autism #autistic #autism acceptance

[drchucktingle]

mr. dr. chuck, i'm a few months ago i told a doc of mine that i believe i'm on the spectrum (after yeeeears of considering all the reasons why i thought so) and she agreed with me. then i came to some conclusions about members of my family. then i started melting down and haven't really recovered.

i'm in my 30's, but my life feels like it's been the mistake-addled 24th year for over a decade. people, choices, wants, they feel like things that were silly blips and not of much substance. i'm tired and my body hurts, so it feels harder to get to things i need. doctors don't seem like they can be trusted because of all the other ways i show up in the world.

i'm worried about my life and my future, and it feels like my magic is gone (or that i can't touch it right now). do you have any words of wisdom for someone who found out this really big thing about themselves kind of late?

thank you.

hello buckaroo thank you for writing. first of all i will say MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is that it is okay and valid to FEEL the way that you feel. your reaction to this news or any news really is not wrong. that does not mean you cant wish for another reaction or WORK TOWARDS another reaction, but in grand cosmic sense this is just your way. YOUR TROT IS VALID and we all have our own unique way. sometimes that path is an easy path with sunny days and smiles and a glorious view, and sometimes it is through the darkness of shadows or crawling through the old bog. we can PREFER one path over the other, but neither is WRONG.

when giving advice old chuck tries to not PROJECT what i think YOU should do because that is not really the point. this is your trot to trot and i do not think it is my place to act like some authority of your way. what chuck can do is tell you MY story of diagnosis and how it made ME feel and maybe you can take little pieces of that for yourself.

chuck learned of way on autism spectrum when i was in early twenties by doctor who said 'yes this is your way'. when i learned of my spectrum way my reaction was: wow this is very very cool i am so lucky because all of my heroes are autistic and now i am in this RADICAL CLUB. we are special and unique and DANG what a treat wish i could have a membership card in my wallet to show all my buds.

now obviously this is not everyones reaction, but as starting off point i wonder what it would have meant to my future if the news would have HIT ME IN A BAD WAY. if i would have felt let a dang robot alien who didnt belong. maybe id be swimmin through the bog ever since.

thing is I LIKE ROBOT ALIENS they are very cool. doctor did not MAKE me different, i was different already, our talks just popped a nice little name on it for me to take or leave. i took the name proudly because DATA from stars trek (certified robot alien) is exactly how i already felt and dang what a cool character and dang what a great life. so was DAVID BYRNE. so was every cool buckaroo artist that i liked. cowboys are OUTSIDER HEROES and that is how my autism makes me feel.

so like i said, i do not know about YOUR way, but MY WAY of hearing this news was heaps of joy and excitement. i will also say that it is very DIFFICULT to find this reaction later if your first leap is feeling in a sad way about it. so maybe if you want to trot back in your mind to those first few steps it would be helpful. maybe mentally trot to where you were pushed off a dang cliff and think "well was i pushed off a cliff or was i just told 'hey bud youve been floating this whole time?"'

because if youve been floating then DANG thats a lot of power. thats not falling. you can float up, you can float down, you can float side to side.

the next thing i will say AS AND ARTIST is that years of toiling and feeling aimless are NEVER actually aimless when it comes to creation. and to LIVE in a human body is to be an artist, because you are CONSTANTLY CREATING the future. when i am writing and i dont have an idea for my next book that can be frustrating, but it is also PART of the process. if i walk to the store to rustle up my mind, or wander around the park, or spend a whole WEEK feeling weird because of writers block THAT IS ALL PART OF MAKING GREAT ART. that is not wasted time. in other words, your years of toiling are not wasted time, that is just the process we all have when we are creating a future masterpiece.

#love is real #autistic #tingleverse

[echofromtheabyss]

So, if you want to understand the history of ND stuff in any useful kind of way you have to know that we talked about these things differently. Gen Xrs have a different generational experience and Boomers' is different still.

Prior to the 80s, NDs were really not a thing. The optic was almost entirely in terms of learning disability and intellectual impairment in the 70s.

ADHD - not autism - is really the first we see of anything resembling the modern ND consciousness, as "autistic" was a label reserved for children presenting with severe disability or at minimum, delay.

Autism in the 70s and 80s and before was not culturally adjacent to ADHD or giftedness, it was adjacent to conditions of severe intellectual impairment.

It's possible to be an 80s ADHD labeled autistic who gets good interventions *because lots of how ADHD was understood at the time, got absorbed by autism later.*

This is basically my story as a matter of fact, a lot of helpful support I got early was via the ADHD pipeline, and so ADHD *is* my "recognized early enough to get meaningful self understanding and meaningful support* narrative, which is a big reason I was ABLE to shrug off autism as a label for about 15 years, until the changing autism stereotypes caught up with me.

ADHD and early issues with visible LD etc are WHY I didn't end up in the "normal until hospitalized" optic that some autistics I knew ended up in, if they had *only* been seen as gifted. I was very aware of my stuff very early even if it was called something else and even if it will be called something else in the future, and it shaped my social choices, my career choices, etc.

Also there was the optic to Boomers and older that you really could just be a "normal" person or even a high performing "genius" who was just "a little slow as a kid." (There are many historical figures this actually applies to. "A little slow as a kid" may just be within a *normal* range of child development.) This is actually part of where many Boomers are coming from when they think a certain degree of autism is just normal.

Early labels in adults (whom we would now understand as high masking ASD-1) were more personal history than identity.

To Boomers and older, you were "mentally well" until you presented "mentally ill." There really wasn't anything like being ND as we presently understand. Also, the *very same optics* that got boys seen as gifted, invested lots of time and support into, etc, got girls into the clinical pipeline early. The real dx discrepancy between girls and boys in my generation and older is the degree to which cis het white rich boys were just allowed to not be anything at all while girls were immediately tagged as mentally ill or developmentally disabled with the very same presentation, even within the same family. My grandmother who was a victim of this, and heavily and deeply abused from early childhood, is the sister of my physicist uncle who was on the Manhattan Project and was odd but successful, had a wife and family, never labeled anything at all.

Lots of people we now see as autistic were just considered normal gifted people who then had a "nervous breakdown" after high school/entering the adult world.

It was possible to be totally ego-syntonic as an odd person until diagnosis, if you were in the 80s gifted pipeline, because if you were in a social set that was actually ALLOWED to be intelligent let alone gifted in the first place (i.e., an upper middle class person, with more weirdness optic allowed for boys) you likely weren't going to be diagnosed with ANYTHING unless you were Weird with a Capital W.

That I had any kind of optic besides just being Gifted is *because* despite high IQ, I was a poor academic performer, and *couldn't* mask well inside a school setting.

These are people without even that optic.

They literally were just seen as gifted, and it was assumed that - of course - highly gifted people were a little weird. Gifted optic in school meant access to a whole different social and academic pipeline consisting hugely of other people we would now understand as ND, so it's actually possible to come out of that being totally ego-syntonic, and never ever even seek diagnosis until something breaks.

If you're like my ex husband who ended up just going away to sea for years, and then becoming a programmer in a basement at a university, you might never get diagnosed with anything, especially if you never see yourself as the problem in any of your interpersonal interactions, and that was a FAR more common optic with gifted white Gen X and Jones ASD-1 boys than early dx was.

The thing for my generation isnt the degree to which boys were diagnosed over girls... quite the opposite, it's the degree to which smart white rich boys were just *allowed* to be odd and given tons of concessions *without* being labeled ANYTHING, because of the degree to which the culture saw that boy was probably a future curer of cancer or a future astronaut.

A chunk of the "NT [more likely, high masking autist] woman miserably married to ASD man" narrative on those websites like FAAAS is actually referring to men who don't have any diagnostic label whatsoever and don't understand themselves as the problem, if you actually read the stories.

Those guys don't get diagnosed until something actually breaks - like, their wife hauls them into couples counseling, or they have finally exhausted their supply of good will (many social compensations of gifted children stop working past one's 20s and that's actually when my dx happened too).

Interpersonal problems weren't enough for dx unless they actually bothered a person enough to seek help. Something has to break. You don't end up with a diagnosis because you're happy and adjusted, no matter how odd you are.

Please ask Boomers about nervous breakdowns because half the time this is referring to what we now understand as autistic burnout.

#i have a lot of thermonuclear takes tbh and don't feel autism is going to be a meaningful term in 20 years #the map is not the terrain

[invpulse]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

#long post #rsd #adhd rsd #rejection sensitive dysphoria #neurodiversity #digital art #digital illustration #sfw furry #furry art #digital drawing #furry character #furry oc #furry artist #procreate #furry

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.” #and that made sense to me i think. #but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing. #and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much. #and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology. #i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now. #and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be?? #i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe. #will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore?? #maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know. #i don't know what it'll mean for me. #but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed. #because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people. #peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing. #there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing. #it's a product of all of his things. #just like me! just like everyone. #so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways. #a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be. #i don't think it's something that can be simplified. #sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags. #i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual. #sci speaks

[housethemd]

Lines In The Sand/Autistic House Headcanons pt. 2

This episode left a lot of us confused. What exactly were we supposed to take from it. Is House autistic or not? Well I think yes, and here’s why:

The biggest confusing component is of course Wilson’s little monologue at the end where he tells House “You aren’t autistic, you don’t even have Aspergers, you just wish you did.” I think that Wilson says this not because it’s true, but because House doesn’t want his autism to be common knowledge.

Think about it. Wilson literally uses the “House probably has autism” argument to get House his carpet back, right before he says this. I think Wilson knows for a fact that House has autism.

I feel like House would probably never volunteer the information, but after a couple years of friendship Wilson, being a doctor himself who would have at one point done a psych rotation, starts putting together all of House’s “quirks” (picky about food, always moving/playing with things, doesn’t quite make eye contact, social issues) and finally asks “Have you ever considered you might have autism?”

And House just scoffs and says “Took you long enough. I thought you were a doctor?” Even though he was panicking a little because his father scared him into thinking that he had to keep his diagnosis a secret when he was a child.

But Wilson just quietly accommodates him. They never talk about it, but Wilson learns over the years the best ways to support House. He also realizes that House is quietly terrified of people knowing he’s autistic.

So Wilson implies to Cuddy that House might be autistic to get House what he needs, but then turns around and in full view of the hospital, says House doesn’t have it, that he’s just an ass. It’s easy to throw people off the scent because people want to believe he’s just an ass (and lets be honest, House is autistic and an ass.)

I headcanon that after work that night Wilson comes over for pizza and a movie and while House is standing at the island getting his food he says,

“Thanks for… you know, today.” It’s spoken quietly, without looking up from his plate.

“We wouldn’t want you to lose your mystique.” Wilson replies, because he knows that House acknowledging what happened is a big deal and getting to serious about it would make him uncomfortable.

House laughs and smiles at Wilson’s joke.

“House, can I give you a hug?” Wilson asks.

He always asks, knows House needs to prepare for the sensation. He hadn’t understood at first, but once House described being touched unexpectedly as eliciting the same sensation as nails on a chalkboard does, that god awful shiver down your body that takes so long to go away. Wilson knows how awful that is, and never wants to make House feel like that.

House nods his consent, and Wilson is coming up behind House to wrap his arms around his arms and chest and squeeze him tight. Wilson knows the best way to hug House: come from behind so it doesn’t bother his face, arms around his chest, and nice and tight so he feels the pressure he loves so much. They stay like that for a few moments before House is pulling away, claiming they’ll miss the start of their show if they don’t go out to the living room now.

Wilson smiles to himself, happy that House trusts him enough to share this part of himself with him.

#autistic greg house #autistic house headcanons #house md headcanons #house md #james wilson #hate crimes md #greg house #hilson #dr house #dr wilson #wilson x house #house/wilson #gregory house #housethemd writes

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

I am personally 100% for a shitty self diagnosis.

A shitty self diagnosis is usually the predecessor to a fairly accurate self diagnosis.

For me, I didn't think I could possibly have autism because of the stereotypical traits listed (I first started researching in 2013 when most sources were based on children, and not relatable at all to a teenager). So I actually thought I must be bipolar! That was a shitty self diagnosis, but it then later on led to a self diagnosis of autism, which has now become a professional diagnosis of autism.

I honestly hate that there is any dislike to self diagnosis at all... to me it doesn't make sense. Unless you suspect something is "wrong" with you, it's very unlikely you'll just happen to end up in front a psychiatrist or psychologist getting diagnosed. And even if you do it's much less likely that they'll diagnose you with autism unless you have already self diagnosed it.

Lets say someone self diagnoses autism without learning much about it. They just saw a few tiktoks that resonated with them and they went for it.

Here's my thought process.

They are going to continue learning about autism, great!

This means if they don't have autism, they will likely become a lot more empathetic to people with autism. That's awesome!

If they do have autism, that's great too! Another correct self diagnosis, yippee! (This is the more likely outcome BTW! It's fairly uncommon for people to think they are autistic for no reason...)

Or the third outcome is, self diagnosing with autism wasn't correct, but it lead to a correct self diagnosis of ADHD or something else. Great for them!

Here's a second scenario. Someone does a shitty autism self diagnosis. They then see a bunch of posts and comments about how you need to really deeply and responsibly research autism for your self diagnosis to be valid. Or even a bunch of people directly comment that to them.

Then here's my thought process with that scenario.

The person is actually autistic but gets scared out of self diagnosing because they worry they can never research enough. They become indecisive and it takes them much much longer to be able to self diagnose because of fear and gate-keeping.

The person isn't autistic and feels discouraged from doing research towards any self diagnosis. They feel isolated and misunderstood. They get upset that they have been rejected by yet another community.

Now, listen. I know that for us autistic people it can feel like we are being attacked on all sides and that bad self diagnosis is just another way we are being misunderstood. But the thing is, from my POV, professional diagnosis is honestly not much better. At all. Doctors have trouble correctly diagnosing physical conditions, let alone mental ones. Most doctors I've been too couldn't even diagnose a rash. It's honestly sad how useless they can be sometimes.

A self diagnosis is key to finding your correct diagnosis also. Without self diagnosis many people won't have ANY diagnosis ever.

A lot of people with a shitty self diagnosis are also often teens. Lost, confused, misunderstood teenagers. And people who self-diagnose mental conditions are often neurodivergent in one way or another. Whether it be autism, ADHD, depression, we should be accepting them all the same. We are all fighting very similar fights.

Now for my big POV - we can't actually truly determine whether someone has an accurate self diagnosis. We are autistic people, but we can't diagnose other autistics. Pretending that we can is a dangerous game to play. Autism can present extremely differently person-to-person. It's important that we don't forget that.

Basically, I understand that it feel frustrating seeing so many people self diagnosis with autism without much research. But please, even if you disagree with me, at least remember to be KIND.

#autism #actually autistic #asd #late diagnosed autistic #autism diagnosis #neurodivergent #autistic blog #oc #autism spectrum disorder #autistic life #self diagnosers #self diagnosed autism

[xavier-is-online]

Courtney Autism Headcanons I have because all of my favs are neurodivergent

Fun fact- my very first headcanon of Total Drama was that Courtney is autistic. Is this me projecting? YEAH AND WHAT ABOUT IT????

She got diagnosed at a rather early age (3 years old) with Autism, though her family always stressed to her that she should never tell anyone for fear of it messing with their reputation

Her special interest is court cases, funny enough. She loves looking up court documents and watching trials and she enjoys talking about how if she was a judge/ lawyer, how she would proceed/defend the case. Her parents noticed this and began pushing her into pursuing a career as a lawyer

She also has special interests in geography, birds of prey, MMA fighting and musical theater (though that last special interest often gets repressed since she's been taught that things such as theater are frivolous)

REALLY good at masking, so much so that she unintentionally will mask. Years of suppression has really helped in making people believe she's fully neurotypical! She was masking in the 1st season, up until she gets (unfairly) voted off

No, she doesn't have a fear of green jelly, but it is a MAJOR sensory issue for her. In fact, most gelatin and gelatin-like foods trigger her. She can't eat anything with a gummy texture

She unfortunately has a very hard time regulating her emotions since her parents couldn't be bothered to assist her anymore beyond getting a proper diagnosis. She can have very big reactions to very little inconveniences (especially if she knows she has no control over the situation)

VERY routine-oriented, so if that routine veers even slightly off track, she gets upset. She plans her week out in advance since schedules give her a sense of security

When she's not wearing shoes she walks around on her tiptoes

She also has a stim of balling her hands into fists and moving her arms up and down

She doesn't tell anybody about her diagnosis when she first arrives on the island, since it's been imbedded into her head that people will see her as less than if she tells anyone (and it's 2007, people- especially teenagers- are absolutely ableist)

Harold figures it out pretty quickly though and just outright asks her in private while they both are on Playa Des Losers since he wanted to know. She denies it at first but literally no one has just ever plainly asked her that and so she kinda breaks down and admits that yes, she is autistic, and Harold just stands there confused because why is she acting like she just got caught doing something horribly wrong

Turns out, in Courtney's eyes, something IS wrong with her. Harold straight up tells her that there's nothing she can do to make her autism "better" but it's not like being autistic is a death sentence. It's part of what makes her, her

That sorta blows her mind because all Courtney's life she's been made to feel like something is wrong with her. She never thought to just…. accept her neurodivergence. Huh

From then on she learns to just accept herself for who she is. It's a lot better than living your life ashamed of something you can't change

Duncan doesn't figure it out until like 5 years later LMAO

She doesn't keep many fidget toys, BUT, she really likes typing on keyboards. She keeps a couple out-of-use keyboards around and that's partly why she also loves her PDA

#td courtney #tdi #total drama #I know that canonically Courtney and Harold want to hit each other over the head with comically large mallets but #Imagine for a second they had the respect for each other to have a decent conversation #td headcanons

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

I just read a bunch of Owl House Criticism and have to say… a lot does make sense. I still rate the show very high and honestly I blame the pacing for a lot of the issues we DO have with the show. I also think people are taking this way more seriously then they should and some do the complaints feel nitpicky.

One thing a lot of people brought up is Luz’s character and how the first episode showed her casual dismissal of others and their safety occurs. Then there was a few comments on how Vee is right to call her out on running away and other things.

I don’t fully disagree. Luz fucked up big time her first episode where she brought live animals and fireworks to school. It’s just… no. I don’t deny people should have punished her for it. I vote that the Shakespeare play and the cheerleading thing aren’t worth punishment though. Because both are honestly just quirky kid things. She wanted to be cool so she did something she liked to try and impress others. They thought it was creepy and reacted to it. Good reasons for her to be kind of shoved aside by some people. The spiders and snakes though? Yikes.

But to just call her a bad character puts a nasty taste in my mouth because I think she is one that is a good character and whom I think would have been fun to explore. It’s just… she’s kind of a concept that was tried but fell flat.

I think the summer camp thing was handled badly and I would have liked to be explained why they never tried to talk to her about what a reasonable amount of creativity is in her school work. If it turns out they had attempted to do so multiple times but she never listened: the camp is probably a better idea then not. More so given her actions could have gotten her arrested. Honeslty leaning on that idea would have been interesting. Luz being told she had to go to camp or face probation or something would have been an interesting hook.

My friend said she felt therapy would have been better and yeah that’s a good point: but what if they did try and it didn’t work? What if they felt a camp was less expensive ? (Which it probably was.)

I would have liked more evidence that Luz was an outcast. I saw a lot of criticism on this because if you just look at the show face value: Luz does seem like she’s whining about a lot of stuff. Her mom turned out to be like her and only wanted her to not get bullied as Camila did in school. She could have made friends at camp. There’s just so much there that does make Luz seem like a bad person for being upset. And honestly it would be interesting to explore that to, to really pick apart the dramatic ‘me against the world’ mindset of teenagers who see themselves as outcasts. But the show is supposed to be about weirdos and found family.

So: I would actually nix Camila being a nerd. Manny was the nerdy one who loved fantasy, encouraging it in Luz. I would have had him be the one who was more open about Luz’s everything while Camila was more wary and put off. Sure, she could still laugh at the snake skin incident, but I would want her to be less accepting of the other stuff. I said that the first episode reminded me of my mom when I got my diagnosis of autism and she didn’t understand it. I would want to lean in.

Manny and Luz should have been canonly neurodivergent. Camila is neurotypical and she constantly compared her two family members because Manny could mask very well. Luz couldn’t. But I would have Camila struggle to understand that her daughter’s own brand of autism/ADHD is vastly different then her husband’s because it’s so common. I can’t tell you how many time people are like: oh you’re lying about being this cause you don’t act like BLANK.

Camila and Luz then have a conflict which makes it more understandable why Luz is willing to lie to her mother about not being at camp. Because Camila is set up to not understand Luz and possibly she would be pushing her daughter to act ‘normal’ because she doesn’t understand. Again this is inspired by my mom. I have vivid memories of her worrying about appearances and how others think of us, with her pushing me towards things I didn’t like. Some of it was out of concern for me, but there was a huge lack of understanding that drove a wedge between us for a while.

I would then have the idea that Luz is bullied be obvious. Luz would reference it or recall incidents. And I would have them be unpleasent. Being ditched by so called ‘friends’, name calling and mocking. Maybe having her things stolen or random crap dumped in her locker. I would have her be the outcast from the start. I would also address her being a POC person in a small town. Luz could have met Masha or the other two kids: I want a reason why she didn’t connect.

I grew up with almost no friends but people generally didn’t hate me. I got bullied a bit but most of the time I was ignored and happy about it. When I was a kid I was very particular and drove people off due to this. When I made friends I was with other weirdos: some of whom were alone because they were just… I can only call them very weird and slightly disturbing. One of whom was a girl who’d flip on a dime if she liked you or not.

Masha in canon is goth and is there to be the ‘cool goth kid’. I would have had them be dismissive of Liz’s fondness for the Azura series and possibly the type to mock her for liking a ‘gushy girly book’ because take it from this enby: a lot of us go through the phase of shunning anything feminine and romantic to be ‘cool’. I would have a reason why two people who could have totally been friends weren’t.

Luz would be an outcast among outcasts. Just that shade of different.

I want her to have suffered in school. I want her to have to explain that it’s true no one understood her. I want her to be able to look Vee in the face to go: you know nothing. Because Vee only sees a surface and not the full sum of it. Vee who isn’t into Azura and thus gets Masha being: oh you matured cool. I want to hang now. Who goes to Camila who is thankful her baby seems able to mask now.

I want Camila to be able to mistake Vee for her own kid because ‘oh god yes she’s finally normal’. And I want Luz to point this out. I want Luz to point out to Vee the other kids said camp was prison. And that ‘you might have liked it for some reason but can you say I would have? Masha thinks I’m a freak for liking Azura. They told me I was a loser for it.’

I want there to have been a damn good reason more then we got for WHY Luz stayed in the isles.

Not to say I don’t want Luz to feel bad about lying or anything. I just want the whole outcast thing to be more apparent. Luz feeling awful about lying and about resenting her mom who does love her versus the fact she never felt safe in the human realm is an idea worth exploring!!

#the owl house #owl house rewrite #luz noceda #camila noceda #vee the basilisk #toh critical #I guess #more ‘I still liked the show it’s just that this would have been interesting’

[katboykirby]

Autistic Beel is very real to me personally, as an autistic person (special interest, not very expressionate, etc). I also very much agree with the Satan and Levi headcanons too.

Oh this is interesting because I don't think I've heard about an autistic! Beel HC before? Usually (in my experience anyway) it's autistic! Levi and very very occasionally autistic! Satan

Now, full disclosure that I'm not autistic myself, so any information I'm familiar with comes from research + the experiences of my irl partner, who got his autism diagnosis as an adult. (I do have ADHD and I know that there's some relation/overlap there, but I'd still trust the words and experiences of actual autistic people over my own)

And I can definitely see some aspects of autism in Beel! Like you said, he doesn't tend to show much of any particularly strong emotions, at least not openly or on the surface - he tends to keep a fairly flat expression (and his usual frown could be interpreted as the classic neurodivergent "resting bitch face" aha) and his voice clips reflect this as well - he's definitely not as affective as say, Mammon or Asmo! Beel is a lot more quiet than his brothers, on average. He's not really very emotive or expressive outside of specific or extreme situations. Although, I don't tend to go for the romantic options with him or read his personal Devilgram stories all that often (since I'm a Satanfucker) but I'm aware that he's usually more emotive in romantic moments with MC, or when things get tense/dramatic with his family.

Speaking of which, something that we do occasionally see is Beel losing his temper and becoming very angry - to the point that he loses control of himself and goes on rampages. The most significant examples of this in the main story would be Lessons 4 and 5 of the original game, when he flies into a rage over some custard and ends up destroying half of MC's room; and the whole plotline in Nightbringer revolving around Beel's rampage at the royal castle that almost resulted in Diavolo having to lock him up because of how much destruction he caused. I know that "autism rage" is pretty negatively stereotyped (unfairly so, in my opinion) but anger is definitely a real struggle for individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders

The whole food thing is definitely interesting in this context as well (and I assume this is what you meant by "special interest?" Lmk if I'm wrong) because Beel is the complete opposite of the common autism stereotypes when it comes to food! We often see the idea of autistic individuals having a very limited scope of foods that they actually enjoy, because things like texture, flavour, and sensation are all very different and experienced in a different way than neurotypicals. Autistic individuals are stereotyped as "picky eaters" because it's common for them to have very specific "safe foods" and/or not enjoy very many exotic or strong flavours. Beel definitely does not have a problem with this, lmao. And we know that his love/obsession with all foods isn't something that came about just when he was made the Avatar of Gluttony, since he was a big food lover as an angel as well (though his eating habits, admittedly, weren't as extreme back then.) Interestingly, a lot of research shows that people with autism are more likely to struggle with binge eating disorder, which has some intriguing implications for Beelzebub 👀

It's entirely possible that exercise & working out and/or sports like Fangol could be special interests for him as well! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that Beel has mentioned or alluded to feeling restless if he doesn't get at least one workout in every day, like he doesn't feel that his day is "complete" if he hasn't done his exercise routines. This could suggest that he experiences the common autism symptoms around adherence to routines and inflexibility when it comes to changing up his usual habits and activities 🤔

This reply has actually become pretty long, so I'll just stop myself here before I get carried away even further 😅

Overall, I think that there's definitely merit to autistic! Beel HCs, and I'm sure that people who are actually autistic and/or are big fans of Beel himself (and who would have read far more of his in-game content than I have, like his Devilgrams) would be able to go into even more detail than I have!

#I love Beel so much #even though he isn't a romance interest to me personally I have a HUGE amount of platonic/familial love for him #he's a great character who is so underrated and unfairly overlooked #justice for my boy! #anyway #obey me #obey me nightbringer #omswd #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #beelzebub obey me #beel obey me #obey me hcs #obey me headcanons #obey me theory

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

autism levels, few “often get wrong” points need highlight again

[transcript: autism levels, few “often get wrong” points need highlight again]

^ masterpost by birdofmay for more basic stuff no able explain rn, like “what are levels” “how determine levels”

autism levels about how much support you need for autism specific symptoms—specifically, two autism criteria, social communication & restrictive repetitive.

not how much you feel like you struggle

levels compare you to all autistics. not allistic neurotypical nondisabled people.

level 1 mean “need support.” level 1 can struggle. unsupported burnt out level 1 can struggle a lot. unfortunately level 1 can be miserable in life.

not able finish school, not able drive, not able keep job, need help cant live independent—none of that automatic level 2 & 3. none of that automatic mean not level 1. know many people who level 1 who all that. level 2&3 people tend more common be those thing because autism symptoms cause very big struggle. but autism levels not actual about any of that.

autism levels is DSM 5 thing. country no use DSM 5 not get levels. countries use DSM 5, sometimes doctor still not assign levels, because that doctor don’t use levels, or level 1 & just leave out write.

autism level is official diagnosis thing. different from self diagnosing autism itself (which for lsn/level 1/etc have many resources about what it like, community, and like. not life risky), autism level really not same and not recommend self diagnose, to put nicely. because it about amount official support need, & limited info about level 2/3 (yes, even if look like many of us on tumblr, still very few), and because that most people never actual met entire autism spectrum met actual level 3 in person not to mention enough to be good sample size, so most have understanding of autism & autism levels that heavily lean to level 1, wrongly think any struggle w autism mean level 2 or 3. put in plainly, most you all don’t know don’t see enough about higher levels to actual label correctly (this actual include level 2/3 people—although yes personal experience, but that one experience).

many level 2 & 3 diagnose as that because we need the official support. for not die, for physical survive, and/or for basic quality of life. it not fun little label to collect to call self unfortunately

also, i say a lot of level 2/3 i abbreviate put them together because online autism community not often include both. but level 2 & 3 can be quite different quite far not “basic same thing”

autism level describe general average symptom & support needed

autism level can change over entire life, like born level 3 but adult now & level 2 or even 1(rare), or born level 1 & now adult level 2.

autism levels cannot change over hours days or short term in general. cannot “level 1 good day & level 3 bad day.” not even “last (few) month level 3 this (few) month level 1.”

autism levels not same as functioning labels. although can be use in same ableist way people use functioning labels. but fault is ableism. (remind that some people do self ID as low functioning after their diagnose and that okay)

autism level is not perfect and need improve

autism level important & needed especially for many of us who need many support or our autism symptom very big or struggle communicate.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #autism #loaf screm #level 1 autism #level 2 autism #level 3 autism #long post #tay dont look #tay don’t look

[autball]

There’s this thing I do that some people find weird-

Okay there are several things like that. But I’m talking about the one I do whenever someone tells me about a big life event.

I ask, “And how do we feel about that?”

Maybe because I’ve been misinterpreted so many times, or maybe because I’ve misinterpreted others so many times, or maybe because I go out of my way to learn about others’ experiences, I just don’t make assumptions about how someone feels about stuff anymore. And if I wanna be a good friend, I wanna react right.

Not everyone is happy about finding out they’re pregnant. Not everyone is sad about getting divorced. Not everyone is excited about going on a trip.

Not everyone sees an autism diagnosis as something to grieve.

I personally was relieved! I’d had so many people dismissing my concerns and telling me my kid couldn’t possibly be autistic that it was nothing but validating for me. Then with my second kid, I wasn’t surprised in the least and was just glad to have made it official so I could get services paid for.

Yeah, some people grieve, but a whole lot of that wouldn’t be happening if the mainstream narrative around autism wasn’t so dire and tragic. It’s been *normalized,* but that doesn’t make it a normal reaction or something “everyone goes through.” It ain’t.

So do your best to not step in it like Blue here and ask some questions first. Who knows? Maybe you’ll unlearn something.

(Image description in Alt Text.)

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #neurodiversity #autism awareness #autism acceptance #autistic artist #autistic problems

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

#ask #anon ask #advice #adhd #neurodivergent #also thank you for thinking i know what im doing #im glad i come across that way #but i definitely dont a lot of the time lol #long post

[bwbawa]

hello, so I'm questioning if I'm autistic so i can reach out for a diagnosis maybe, and i saw another person do this so i wanted to try it out

i wrote a list of some of the things i think that are autistic traits about me and if anyone would like to please read them and tell me if they could be autism or maybe smth else? lol, just as a big favour really. I'll give more context if any is needed, thanks so much!!

also please reblog for reach if you want to, thank you

ts bellow the cut :]

- stimming ( twirling and braiding hair, used to suck on my own hair as a kid, rocking back and forth, doing ??? weird stuff with ny mouth and fingers lol, moving legs a lot)

- echolalia; internal, repeating phrases and songs on my head, but also doing sounds with my mouth

- always feeling like an outsider. This wasn't bad for me as a kid since i was very into creepypastas and media related to being an outcast, i never related it to something bad until adolescence which im still in, and I'm more insecure now about it.

- also, very extroverted as a kid, didn't get social cues and was offensive sometimes

- couldn't and still can't control my strength very well ( sometimes things fall out of my hands or i touch someone harder than i wanted to)

- sensitive skin, to heat cold and pain

- very talkative, as a baby was LITERALLY born babbling

- not good at eye contact, either do way too much or way too little

- terrible at maths (jst not logical to me??? dk how people find them logical )

- kinda restrictive interests but no special interests

- very picky as a child, fav foods were salted noodles with ketchup or by themselves. ( still can't stand some foods and mixing some foods together )

- horrible coordination and balance: didn't learn to tie my shoes correctly, how to ride a bike or how to swim, i bought wheelies and cant use them because my balance is horrible, i run weird (like a baby kind of) and I'm always stumbling on my own feet

- again, didn't learn some stuff until grown: didn't know how to shower correctly or make my bed ( could be due to being very taken care of as a kid, aka my mom didn't let me do stuff by myself )

- terrible spacial awareness: again, stumbling with my own feet, waddling like a penguin when i walk with my friends lol

- bad perception of time

- got upset when things didn't go my way

- ran away when kids were being too loud but didn't mind big performances loud spaces

loud THUDS or sudden noises however startle me, scare me and stress me out: was and still am kind of afraid of balloons, shouting people and loud thuds. As a baby i cried when someone spoke too loudly

- lately I'm much more sensitive to stimuli than i was, could be due to heightened stress in my life: badly done beds make me want to cry, crumbs on the bed feel like hell, heat and sweating are hell, some months ago i cried because my sunglasses and headphones weren't working and there were too many sounds, my head it hurted and everything felt wrong, sent me into a kind of crisis.

- don't think I'm overly empathetic, but i have a strong sense of justice and get very upset and ill about injustices.

related to that, movies and shows that require a lot of stress i don't like, they make me feel ill and i prefer spoilers when it's like that, i get too nervous.

- socially awkward and don't know how to keep conversations going, at least small talk.

- although i used to talk a lot, nowadays i prefer to stay quiet sometimes.

- i get VERY angry and frustrated but it goes away kind of quickly?

-i used to be very loud and I still dont know how to control my tone of voice ( how loud or quiet i am) and i spoke in a very high pitched voice as a child

- i used to read a lot, went to the library in the recess instead of hanging out all the time with kids and used some complicated words that my parents didn't know i knew

- all my life i only had one close friend ( not the same, but always one)

- i think i had a specific routine of morning

- i have a hard time concentrating and being organized

- i make plans for myself in the night and get upset when OTHERS interrupt it but not when i do

- hard time knowing when to pee and when to eat

- again sensory issues, some foods make me want to puke, and wet, sticky or extremely dry hands are disgusting. Also, light touches feel like anger.

- as a kid I repeatedly watched stuff, ended up boring my family because i only wanted to watch that multiple times

- sensory seeker as a kid kind of, slept with my feet up, danced a lot (stimming?)

-i get irritated easily and can hurt people verbally

- don't know if related but i sometimes very anxious, get upset about not saying goodbye correctly to certain people, as a kid i used to cry and didnt want to go to school because of a "bad feeling" that smth bad was gonna happen, could be anxiety.

i absolutely sure there's more, but I don't wanna keep typing

just to finish, most of my circle is neurodivergent. And family wise, my sister is audhd, one cousin and uncle are autistic, my mom has adhd and two of my cousins are suspected autistic.

#audhd #self diagnosed autism #undiagnosed autism #autism #am i autistic? #neurodivergent #adhd #autistic teen #autistic girls #autistic #autistic things #autistic traits #undiagnosed neurodivergent #undiagnosed autistic #undiagnosed adhd #neurodiversity

[donnerpartyofone]

First Pants, THEN Your Shoes

I spent a lot of time on the autism and ADHD subs before and in the aftermath of my ADHD diagnosis, and it was often helpful in contextualizing a lot of my nagging and seemingly unexplainable problems. The people there are generally nice, I never really saw any of the toxic behavior that Reddit is famous for. There's just one incident that stuck in my craw, where someone was dealing with issues of emotional access that I thought were so misunderstood by everyone who responded, I wanted to help somehow but I didn't know what to say.

Basically this person admitted that they just have no relationship with their parents. For their whole life they never experienced an authentic, loving connection, and faking it all the time was both exhausting and guilt-inducing. This was a pretty brave thing to express, but I thought that it basically made sense in a forum for people who are famously thought of as cold, rude, and "low empathy". But what happened was that a ton of people responded with "I feel this because" of their horrific history of open abuse and neglect, which I thought was clearly not what OP was describing--and then one person absolutely flipped the fuck out on them, posting a vicious tirade about what a bad person they were. The aggressor faught with a couple of other people before loudly announcing that this post had caused them to leave that subreddit for good. That seemed so cruel and unnecessarily personal to me, I really felt bad for OP who came to the autism forum like we all do to say "I have feelings or behaviors that are abnormal and I feel bad/confused/conflicted about them." I also felt bad that their confession had been conflated with the problems of child abuse and domestic violence, which they clearly did not address. I thought I knew what they meant. I think that I also have different kinds of emotional experiences than most people, and that incident reminded me of why I don't usually admit it.

Do I have histories of abuse and neglect that could have affected my emotional development, or am I just "like this"? I don't know how to answer that. I think that the nature versus nurture debate is like, a fun game to play, but basically absurd. There is absolutely no way to control for pure effects of biology and neurology and genes, separate of pure effects of experience. The right answer is always "it's both", and then you proceed with whatever psychological management style seems most helpful. You try to understand what you have to work with, which rarely involves nailing down the absolute factually objective specifics of your origin story; you approximate about what feels important, and you try to move forward. Some people have histories so difficult that dealing with their inherent "nature" is moot, and some people have a nature that makes even minor experiences vastly more affecting than usual.

To be Freudian about it, my mother kind of didn't want anything to do with me. She was civil about it so it's hard to say I was abused, but I received a pretty consistent rejection signal until she died when I was a teenager. This seems to me to be related to her mother, who made a big performance of being the Perfect Mommy but who was in fact critical, controlling, and manipulative. This in turn seems related to the fact that her father, my great grandfather was a child rapist, which my grandmother refused to deal with, or only dealt with through her burlesque of extreme normality. Severe clinical depression exists on that side of the family, and I have it too. Nature or nurture?

My paternal grandfather was a fascinating, cosmically-minded person who obviously affected my father's powerful intellectual development, but who was emotionally absent. My paternal grandmother was an infantile narcissist with zero sympathy for others and semi-violent tendencies. Also there was obviously "something going on" with her; she cataloged everything in her house, literally on a computer and in physical binders, and devised wild methods of controlling everything around her including children and animals. When we visited her we had to shower outdoors like cattle.

In my family, we didn't say I love you. We didn't touch except for ritually mandated occasions. But we talked a lot. We shared interests, which many families do not do, do not even consider, even when they are warm and affectionate. From the moment I was born I was sad, angry, obsessive, freaked out. Intellectually overdeveloped and emotionally crippled. My mom checked out, and when her parents visited I was very confused and frightened by their soap operatic and purpose-driven performance of emotion. But no matter how messed up I was, my dad made infinite amounts of time for me. I cannot say that he was comforting the way people normally mean it, but he was present and listened. How many miles did we walk before I was a teenager? We talked about dreams, phobias, the subconscious, symbolism, theology, and art and literature. This is still the basis on which I relate to him. Sometimes as an adult I bare a wound brazenly to see if I can make him react to the bad things that have happened to me, but he doesn't. That's not in the rulebook. I don't even know if I WANT the rules to change, I just have to test them sometimes. I probably like them just the way they are.

Meanwhile my brother, who is close in age to me, has become the single most normal and successful person I know, professionally, socially, and in his private life. Nature or nurture?

I have had a much harder time gaining traction. It's hard to get ahead when you have to spend a lot of time just figuring out what the fuck is wrong with you. There are a lot of normal-seeming things I cannot figure out or literally cannot do. My emotional life is somewhat bizarre. I either retreat from society or develop intense, virtually monogamous 1-1 friendships with very poor boundaries. At my small wedding I suddenly realized that my guests didn't even know each other very well; people making toasts didn't seem to know what to say about our courtship. I obsess over people, but it tends to be very intellectual. I don't want anyone to touch me ever, like unless we're fucking, which is a source of much confusion and ridicule among others. I need to be alone A LOT. I can think about someone all the time but forget to tell them more than a few times a year, so I have to be consciously careful to let people know I remember their existence. I once tried to explain to someone that I don't really miss people in the way that others seem to, and I meant it to say "I love you even if it doesn't look normal," and I think I just insulted the person and I regretted speaking.

I think this stuff sounds evil to a lot of people. I tend to think, there's me and there's the mammals. The mammals are warm and enjoy each other's warmth. The mammals feel safe in groups. The mammals have a physical and mental metabolism that refreshes itself daily or hourly; mine is very slow and I need lots of rest and recovery time. I don't feel safe in groups. I like to be cool and dry and hidden in the dark under a rock. For the mammals, their warmth is what makes them feel the value of life. Many of them assume that my coolness means I don't value life. This is absurd. Just because I don't want to feel your body against mine, doesn't mean I don't care what happens to your body. Just because I need to be alone, doesn't mean I wouldn't feel terrible if you are lonely or hurt. I don't even have to like you, to care whether you suffer. If I have misunderstood how my behavior will affect you, it is because I am an alien from outer space; I still care tremendously about whether I make your life better or worse. But this is hard to communicate for some reason.

I watch Lifetime movies with great, almost ghoulish fascination. I'm captivated by their hyperbole of American values, of love and family. I'm spying on it from orbit. It constantly amazes me.

I had been talking to my dad for a while about my feeling that I'm autistic, but the ADHD diagnosis took me by surprised. When I learned more about it, it explained so much about my childhood, about behaviors I couldn't help and stuff I couldn't learn that made my parents, especially my mom so, so mad at me. I didn't know how the new information would strike my dad. My doctor had cautioned me not to feel bad about all the time and potential I lost not understanding my own care and upkeep. Would my dad feel bad about not understanding me? His response was so perfectly, absolutely emblematic of our entire relationship that I couldn't have written it better myself.

There would be no emotional outbursts, no drippy apologies. There was only consciousness, perception, existentialism, God, subjectivity versus cosmic reality. This is what we do. This is how we survive. This is how we say I Love You. I love you so much, dad. I'm proud of you and I'm so glad I am your daughter. Thank you for everything. Please don't touch me.

[compassionatereminders]

so at the end of last year my mom got a fibromyalgia diagnosis. it caught her completely off guard, she was just going in for a checkup and hadn’t really considered fibromyalgia as a possibility for something she could have. she was super skeptical about it at first because she’s been misdiagnosed a lot over the past decade.

my mom told her current doctor that she wasn’t sure that her diagnosis was correct, and the doctor recommended that she go to a fibromyalgia specialist. idk if her doctor referred her or if my mom found this person on her own, but my mom managed to get an appointment with a fibromyalgia specialist who actually has fibromyalgia. at the end of the appointment the specialist was like “you do, in fact, have fibromyalgia. do you have any kids with a history of chronic illnesses that haven’t been a hundred percent figured out because I would be shocked if they didn’t also have it” and my mom immediately scheduled an appointment for me.

I also got a diagnosis of regular fibromyalgia (as opposed to my mom, whose fibromyalgia is affected by some kind of food thing, so she has to do this whole elimination diet), and later we learned that my aunt on my dad’s side was diagnosed too. there are a surprising amount of health issues that I have a history of on both sides of my family, and I’ve inherited most of them.

beyond my grandparents though, we don’t really have any information on genetic health issues. which does make sense and they probably wouldn’t have been diagnosed if they did have any health issues, but like. where did the autism on my dad’s side come from?? to my knowledge, it just showed up in all the surviving kids my grandparents had. did one of my grandparents have it? did their parents or siblings have it??? what about the asthma? I’m really curious especially because how would they have even dealt with it? even with regular things that are common now, how did people cope with period cramps without advil or heating pads?

anyway this is very long and I got lost in the sauce somewhere along the way so uhhh. what’s the biggest plushie you own?

This is honestly the first time I hear of a doctor even SUGGESTING Fibromyalgia to a patient, let alone insisting on it - so big shoutout to your moms doctor! I have heard far too many stories of people with that type of chronic illness repeatedly getting dismissed despite serious symptoms, and I'm so glad that didn't happen to you or your mom! My biggest plushie is my Blåhaj

#chat with kat