#like. money isn’t an issue probably bc the church wants to pay for it which is nice I guess even if my compulsion to pay isn’t happy

[badolmen]

Welp the manifold of my car needs to be replaced ASAP so that’s great :/

#ra speaks #personal #car problems #I found out Sunday and the guys ordered the parts but I didn’t both looking up wtf a leaking manifold meant until today #ughhhhhh #like. money isn’t an issue probably bc the church wants to pay for it which is nice I guess even if my compulsion to pay isn’t happy #but I’m just nervous my car will breakdown/need other repairs bc I’ve been driving around like this for so long #and it’s not like a go far - maybe 10 mi to town once a week and a bit around our tiny campus #but still. Stresst

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey, so I'm force to go to this xenophobic church in Manhattan- they even have an organization where they go to abortion clinics and coerce people w/ uteruses to not go forward with the abortion (they are very open with promoting this organization). I stopped paying tithes to them a long time ago, because knowing what I know abt the intricacies of childbirth & what it's like to be LGBTQ+ in particular, I literally cannot support what the church is doing bc I believe its harmful (1)

Today my mom and I were talking about finances and I’ve been in a sort of bind recently because I’ve had to pay off credit cards, one of which I used to pay for repairs to my car & another person’s car when I got into an accident over the summer, plus I still have my biweekly car payments to worry about. I’ve been managing, but I dont really have much money to myself, and because everyone’s out at either work or school, I normally buy food for myself because no one is home to cook. (2)

My mom straight up told me that the reason why I have been broke is b/c I’m not paying tithes, which kind of took me off guard bc I thought it was because I wasnt putting in as much hours for school (I have a two day break on Monday-Tuesday but decided not to put in any extra hours because I didn’t want to overwork myself like last semester + my mental health has been extremely poor). (3)

Since she said that I’ve been in a sort of panic mode, that maybe I won’t be able to be myself in the future and get surgery/HRT and find a suitable partner (I’m an aro/ace trans guy and I desire to be in a qpp with another guy), which has been debilitating because I’ve been seriously struggling with my social skills, and have literally only two friends that I’ve been keeping contact with occasionally, though its difficult because we have all gone on separate paths due to life basically (4)

Anyways this is a super long ask but I felt like it needed context because the fact that I suck as socializing & making friends has affected my self-esteem and mental health to the point where I have thoughts of s*icide, among other things, including flashbacks of traumatic events that I wouldnt have otherwise remembered. Basically I wanted to ask- am I wrong for not paying tithes to this church? Will God punish me for not paying tithes to this church? (5)__________

Hey there, anon. I’m so sorry for the delay in answering this, I’ve been having some mental health issues of my own so I’ve been taking a little break from this blog. I hope that you are hanging in there, and that things might even be looking up for you since you sent this in. 

I’m sorry that you are experiencing so much distress right now; and that your mom’s comments have added to it. I know that money is tight for you right now, but if at all possible, I recommend seeking professional help to guide you through dealing with the flashbacks of traumatic events and all that; some therapists offer sliding scale payment options for patients who need it. I know that’s not what you’re asking about though, so on to tithes.

I 100% think you’re making the right decision not offering your money to this church. You disagree with their ministry and do not see God’s will in it; giving them money would be contributing to those ministries.

People offer tithes (or a smaller fraction of their financial income) to their faith community as an expression of gratitude to God, a willing response to God’s activity in that faith community. You see God’s movement in a community, and you want to be a part of that movement; so you offer financial gifts to keep the movement going. Generosity should never be pressured out of a person, it should never feel like an obligation; if the Holy Spirit is moving you to give, you’ll feel a real desire to give. 

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 8:11-13 about our financial offerings coming from a place of desire, not obligation: 

“And in this matter I am giving my advice: it is appropriate for you who began last year not only to do something but even to desire to do something—now finish doing it, so that your eagerness may be matched by completing it according to your means. For if the eagerness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has — not according to what one does not have.“ 

That above quote teaches us several things about offerings made to our faith communities, the first of which applies directly to your current situation, while the other two apply to giving in general:

It assures us that we should give what we desire to give – that desire and eagerness will come to us naturally when we truly hear God’s Word read, proclaimed, and acted out. 

The quote also assures us that one only has to give “according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” – so even if you one day find a faith community wherein the Spirit moves you to desire to give, 10% of your current income is probably more than you have to give at the moment, and that’s okay.

Finally, Paul doesn’t specify finances in this quote – what you give to a church whose mission you believe God approves of doesn’t have to be money, especially if money isn’t something you have at the moment. It might be your time or your skills, your voice or your strength, your art or your presence – whatever unique gifts God has given you that you can use for the good of God’s world. 

If you don’t see God’s activity at this church, and thus are not moved to a genuine desire to offer what money you can, don’t do it. God does not oblige us to give money just for the sake of giving it; it’s not a task to check off the list of things you need to do in order to “earn” God’s love or blessing in your life. You don’t have to do a single thing to “earn” God’s love and blessing; God gives these things freely to each of us. 

Sometimes we don’t recognize that love and blessing clearly, because for better or worse God isn’t a micro-manager who swoops in and makes everything work out perfectly in our lives. Instead, humanity’s free will has built up systems that keep many of us poor, many of us oppressed; people who don’t “deserve” to suffer…suffer. Not from any fault of theirs, not because they failed to “earn” God’s help or because they did something to bring God’s punishment on them – but because that’s just the way this world is right now. It hurts people who should be protected. Even so, we trust that God is there – God is there with you in the midst of your distress, your struggles to make ends meet, your pain at the trauma you’re reliving. 

You aren’t broke because you’re not paying tithes; you’re broke because our world is broken and forces students to work long hours on top of keeping up with schoolwork and mental health stuff. I’m so sad and mad on your behalf that you’re stuck in this situation, and I hope things improve really soon.

Friend, I promise you, there will be a future where you’re able to go on hrt, where you are able to live as your full self, where you have friends and a qp partner and where you are happy and loved. There will be a future where you find a faith community that you’re thrilled to give back to, whether that’s your time and talent or your money or all of the above, because you truly see God’s activity in the work they do. It sucks that these things aren’t all true for you here and now, but I believe in that future for you. In the meantime, I promise you: God’s with you, unconditionally. 

#tithes #offerings #finances #suicide ideation mention #mental illness and health #Anonymous #essays

[ofkelsi]

[ natalia dyer, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her ] ━ did y'all see [ kelsi phillips ] walkin’ into [ galaxy drive in? ] they’ve lived in frostford for [ twenty years, ] and you can catch ‘em around town working as a [ kindergarten teacher ]. I reckon they’re pretty [ benevolent & nurturing ] but I hear they can also be kinda [ impatient & rambunctious. ] if ya see ‘em around, be sure to say hi. ━  [ car accident, nightmares. ]

CHILDHOOD years -- 

kelsi anne phillips was born on october 31st 1995 to faye allen and seth phillips.  seth was born and raised in frostford until he turned seven and his dad got a job out of state in texas--which happened to be a great move because he met faye at their new church.  

best friends since they met, faye and seth finished high school and moved to college station, texas where they both attended texas a&m university.  faye had taken a year off before going to college to be with their newborn baby girl and get their apartment all settled.  

kelsi anne spent the beginning of her childhood either in a classroom where her mama was learning or at the old woman next door’s apartment while both her parents were at class or at their jobs.  she doesn’t remember much from these years, but the smell of snickerdoodles always remind her of baking with the woman next door.  

( CAR ACCIDENT TW ) when she was three going on four, her parents and her were in the car on the way back to houston to visit their parents when tragedy struck.  their car was hit head on by someone who ran a red light.  young kelsi suffered minor scarring and a wrist fracture, but both of her parents died due to injuries from the collision.  ( END TW )

custody of kelsi was given to seth’s parents ( susanna & darwin phillips ) as her mother’s parents ( elaine & sean allen ) were still raising three children of their own ( her aunts & uncle -- the youngest of which is three years older than kelsi ).  soon after, the phillips’ moved back to frostford with their granddaughter.  -- kelsi kept in touch with her mother’s parents over the years and often visited them on major holidays with her grandparents.  

the first few months were rough, however the next year once kelsi started kindergarten things opened up.  she was a pretty happy kid.  i’d describe her as that kid who hated seeing people upset and would do something to see them smile.  like go to the flower shop and pick up a flower for them and leave it anonymously on their locker the next day just bc she wanted to see people happy.  

was a sporty kid, played softball and soccer.  she was on teams in elementary school, except once it got more competitive her grandmother had to talk her out of going out for the team.  

kelsi is very competitive and like even at a young age was that #alot to handle.  like, she still needs to check herself even playing board games because she will like get all amped up and ready to go.  

oftentimes she was told to sit still in class.  would be found tapping her foot on the floor or clicking her pen.  she’s just antsy and needs to fidget a lot of the time.  she’s gotten better at that ( once again, it has to do with being older ) but she never uses pens with caps just because she prefers the clicky pens.  

TEENAGE years -- 

once she got into middle school kelsi was focusing more on academics.  she’d always been good with school work, but her focus was always popping into several different places.  she’d often be found reading outside books in classes or working on the nights homework at her desk.  

she also started becoming more and more opinionated around these years as well ( late middle school - high school ).  kelsi isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself or others.  

once punched lance mccallum in the face after he grabbed her ass during the party homecoming weekend her freshman year of high school.  except, most people only remember the fact that she punched him, not what led up to it.  

involved in peer tutoring programs throughout high school.  it was also a way to help her make money once she got old enough to do it outside of the after school program.  

part of me says she gives off student body president vibes but i also know she would not cope well with that pressure because she’d want to please everybody and know it’s not possible.  so she was probably just like one of those popular smart kids.  

was part of a lot of after school activities, simply because she liked being busy.  but she’s also restless so sometimes she’d leave meetings for the clubs in the middle of it.  it was nothing personal, she just needed to be up and on her feet doing something else with her attention span.  but she always apologized after the fact.  

( NIGHTMARE TW ) she started having really bad nightmares around the middle of high school.  she’d always had nightmares, bad ones, even as a kid but for some reason they got worse over the years and several times in high school she woke her grandparents up with her nightmares.  which she always felt guilty about but they always told her it wasn’t an issue.  ( END TW )

CURRENT(ISH) years -- 

kelsi was really torn about going away to college or going somewhere close to home.  in the end, her choice was made for her based on the program she wanted and she went to ‘bama to pursue childhood education.  

she wound up commuting a lot of weekends and coming home often, so it wasn’t even like she was really gone.  there was a gap during her sophomore/junior year where she wasn’t home a bunch and that would be due to her breakup with her then boyfriend.  she just didn’t want to be around town as much and see him around.  ofc, she got over that and has since powered through ( i mean, she’s back here obviously ). 

kelsi went for a five year program, immediately going to graduate school after her college graduation in order to get her teaching certificate.  she’s certified in early childhood/childhood education  ( pre-k through 6th grade ).  

during college kelsi was living in an apartment with a couple of friends, splitting the rent on the place a couple of ways was easier.  plus, she had tried living on campus her first semester and had an awful experience so she made some friends and wound up living with them the rest of her time there.  

she’s got her first teaching job this year at the elementary school.  she taught before, but as a co-teacher while she was going to grad school.  this is her first year in charge of her own classroom and she’s excited as heck to be working with kindergartners.  she loves those tiny tots so freakin much!  

her favorite place has always been the drive in, just bc she loves movies a lot.  plus, the drive in is much better than sitting in a movie theater and she will go to the mat on that opinion any day.  

her grandparents retired and moved to a small retirement community/senior center area not too far from town.  and they gave their house to kelsi, since she’s their only grandchild and they could afford to continue paying for the house utilities as well as their new place.  

she’s got a year old mini goldendoodle named smee and he’s the light of her life.  she has a picture of him on her desk in the classroom.  

CONNECTIONS -- 

i do not yet have a connections page for kelsi but here’s some ideas

a best friend/ride or die that they’ve been friends since they were kiddos and they just really *clutches heart* love and support each other in every aspect of life.

maybe some cousins or something from town! i think the phillips fam has been in frostford for a while in my mind, there’s a chance she’s got some fam in town.  

she’s friendly so she’d probably have a lot of good friends and stuff.  

an unlikely duo which would be fun.  it would probably be someone who’s a bit harsher than kelsi is.  she’s got her moments, but she’s an all around happier person so someone who balances her out in that aspect. 

a first kiss/childhood crush maybe?

plots with her coworkers at the elementary/middle school 

friends turned to enemies & enemies turned to friends 

like this or message me for plots okay ily thanks for reading this bye

#ت ━━ out of char ❜ #car accident tw #death tw #nightmares tw #frostfordintro

[henrybennington]

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Neither Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Neither Who actually keeps their word and leaves? Neither Who trashes the house? Neither Do either of them get physical? Neither How often do they argue/disagree? Rarely Who is the first to apologise? David bc Alice is stubborn af

Sex:

Who is on top? Either depending on what’s happening Who is on the bottom? Either Who has the strangest desires? I feel like probably Alice Any kinks?  Tbh I feel like they’re relatively vanilla but want to be more exciting even though it usually ends with either profusely apologizing for choking/bruising the other which ruins the mood. So probs not.  Who’s dominant in bed? I feel like they’re both too soft to be dominant  Is head ever in the equation? Totally If so, who is better at performing it? They both know what the other likes, but I think Alice prefers giving rather than receiving so she does it more often. Ever had sex in public? definitely at his office and her office and probably at parties if they get drunk enough Who moans the most? Alice, definitely Alice Who leaves the most marks? Alice Who screams the loudest? Alice Who is the more experienced of the two? About the same but probably David because he is a few years older Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? make love definitely Rough or soft? not as soft as Henry & Nina, but still pretty soft. How long do they usually last? They definitely take their time and talk a lot through it so it’s never quick, even after kids, so anywhere from an hour to three.  Is protection used? Every single time without fail, short of purposely trying to get pregnant.  Does it ever get boring? No, they enjoy themselves but I think they sometimes feel the need to sound more exciting, but ultimately when they try they hate it and want to go back to their normal sex.  Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? Alice’s catering truck, behind a church, after they dropped off a wedding cake bc romantics gets Alice going

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? Yes If so, how many children do your muses want/have? 3 Who is the favorite parent? I think it depends on the kid. The girls probably David, and then Theo probably Aice Who is the authoritative parent? David Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Alice Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Both and they think they’re being so sneaky when really neither cares Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Both Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Both Who changes the diapers? David Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? Alice Who spends the most time with the children? I think it’s a toss up. During wedding season it’s definitely David, but like during the off season probs Alice Who packs their lunch boxes? Alice Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Aunt Eloise and Uncle Ezra Who cleans up after the kids? Alice Who worries the most? David Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Alice

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? I think Alice is more vocal but David enjoys it just as much Who is the little spoon? Alice mostly but like when David’s not feeling well/upset then he is. Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Alice Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  Alice How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Hours Who gives the most kisses? David What is their favourite non-sexual activity? Cooking Where is their favourite place to cuddle? probably their bed Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Alice How often do they get time to themselves? As often as they can, they’re more comfortable at home rather than with a group.

Sleeping:

Who snores? Neither, maybe David when he’s sick  If both do, who snores the loudest? David Do they share a bed or sleep separately? Share a bed If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Cozy up together, Alice is suffocating Who talks in their sleep? David What do they wear to bed? David probably wears sweats and Alice is all about that silk slip life Are either of your muses insomniacs? When they’re busy at work, yes Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Yeah but low level stuff like melatonin Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Alice cannot sleep if she’s not touching David, she’s a stage 5 clinger Who wakes up with bed hair? David definitely Who wakes up first? Alice because she has to be at the shop by 4 Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? David bc he’s sweet like that What is their favourite sleeping position? As close as Alice can get without actually climbing into his pajamas Who hogs the sheets? David Do they set an alarm each night? Yes Can a television be found in their bedroom? Yes Who has nightmares? maybe David? But not regularly Who has ridiculous dreams? Alice dreams of talking cupcakes on the reg Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? probably David but in his defense Alice needs like 2 inches because she practically sleeps on top of him Who makes the bed? David What time is bed time? Alice clocks out around 9 Any routines/rituals before bed? totally cheesy but talking about the highs and lows of their days Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Neither, they’re pretty happy

Work:

Who is the busiest? Overall, David because his job constantly has him interviewing/editing/running around. But during wedding season Alice sometimes sleeps in the shop because she’s baking all night.   Who rakes in the highest income? it sorta depends. David has the steadiest income and the lowest overhead. Meanwhile Alice probably makes more but a good portion goes back into the shop so her take home is less than David. Are any of your muses unemployed? Never. They both enjoy working. Who takes the most sick days? David because Alice literally can’t Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Alice regularly shows up 10 minutes late but David has a bad habit of being pretty late the mornings he stops at the bakery on his way to work.  Who sucks up to their boss? I don’t think either but Alice is her own boss so if anyone is sucking up it’d have to be David. What are their jobs? David is a journalist/editor. Alice owns a bakery Who stresses the most? Alice Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? Love Are your muses financially stable? Yes

Home:

Who does the washing? Alice Who takes out the trash? David Who does the ironing? David Who does the cooking? Alice Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Neither but Alice is the better cook because culinary school Who is messier? Alice Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Alice Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Neither Who forgets to flush the toilet? Neither Who is the prankster around the house? David Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? David Who mows the lawn? David Who answers the telephone? David Who does the vacuuming? David Who does the groceries? Alice Who takes the longest to shower? Alice Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Depending on the day, typically David because Alice literally showers and runs but on special occasions, her by far

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? No, they’re both very financially stable individuals when they meet How many cars do they own? Two Do they own their home or do they rent? Own Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? Coast Do they live in the city or in the country? City Do they enjoy their surroundings? Yes What’s their song? I’m With You-Vance Joy What do they do when they’re away from each other? FaceTime constantly Where did they first meet? The bakery How did they first meet? Their guardian angel Elaine decided to send David to Alice’s bakery because both were hopelessly single and she thought they’d like each other Who spends the most money when out shopping? Alice, definitely Alice. Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Neither really Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? David Any mental issues? No? Who’s terrified of bugs? I don’t think either of them Who kills the spiders around the house? David Their favourite place? Home Who pays the bills? It comes out of their joint account and any non automatic payments Alice makes when she has to do bakery bills Do they have any fears for their future? How they’re going to manage a relationship with two busy careers Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? David Who uses up all of the hot water? Alice Who’s the tallest? David except when Alice wears heels Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Alice because she got lonely by herself Who wanders around in their underwear? Alice Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? David is the king of carpool karoke What do they tease each other about? I feel like they make fun of each other’s accents and cultures. David mocks her in a horrible french accent and Alice talks about tea with the Queen more than she should. Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Neither they both dress relatively well Do they have mutual friends? their bby Elaine Who crushed first? I think Alice would claim it was her but they both were like instantly smitten Any alcohol or substance related problems? No Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Alice because David, when he drinks, just wants to go home to Alice so he probably only makes it till like midnight before he’s in a taxi home Who swears the most? Surprisingly, Alice 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I’m pretty tired but I just showered so I’m feeling better now. I do really want to write this before going to sleep tonight.

I’ve been getting a lot better at sleeping earlier and getting everything done much sooner! Working on the first floor is always fun. But, since I don’t stay up as late anymore, I don’t get as much done and I feel like I’m procrastinating. Like if I just stayed up tonight, I could knock my graphic design hw out of the park but then I would be really tired at church tomorrow. And I do want to pay attention and better develop my relationship with God. I actually didn’t get depressed today though, which is gr9. Overal, today was a pretty good day. I hope I’m not just rushing into things tho.

I woke up around 7am but decided to push myself to go back to sleep bc I could and by 9am, I was up and ready to start the day. So I waited about 40min for Sam to rejoin the living before Skyping him. We discussed games and settled on what to do. I was trying really hard not to micromanage and make him do what I want to do and just be okay with his decision. I trust his decision. Also, yknow, if it fails, I can blame it on him since it was his call. But I know I shouldn’t. If the second game fails, I should be the one to take responsibility and figure it out. Not him. Sigh. Anyway, I was a little frustrated this morning bc Rhyarna didn’t wake up in time and Emily and Eliza were taking their sweet time to get ready. But I also didn’t plan it super well so I didn’t say anything. I was partly to blame. I should’ve checked the transportation times before today and told them that we’d be leaving ten minutes earlier instead of 11;30, when the bus would be arriving. So it was really my fault, not theirs. And we were about 8min late but that was okay. The apartment in Hyde Park was super nice and I was surprised to like it so much. I was prepared to just say we were just looking around but they’re actually willing to secure the apartment for us until June 1st which is amazing. After going over utilities, renter’s insurance, and all that jazz, the living expenses aren’t actually too bad! I think I could handle paying for my own utilities along with groceries for a while. And my parents are okay with paying for my rent each month. It really just comes down to Rhyarna. And I know that it’s a process but I really hope she decides soon bc I really want to live there. It would be so much fun living off campus in my own apartment. I’m actually adulting! It’s exciting! And I hope I’m not being too eager! I should probably look for work elsewhere as well bc I won’t be able to work the whole time over the summer since it’s an on campus thing. I would want to but I don’t think any shifts will be available. I sure wish I could tho. I definitely need to start saving money now. It would take me about 13 weeks to reach a thousand dollars if I took out 20% of my paycheck everytime. Which is actually almost the whole semester... And even though we get a lot of money back during the second month, that’s basically all my money for the first two months right there. Well, no. Because my parents would be covering that. And yeah, with that money it would be the admin fee, move in fee, renters insurance, etc. But still, I think I could live off of $1000 for a couple months. Maybe not until October though since we usually have to wait a month before the money starts to roll in...hm.... Usually, groceries are going to cost me ~$60 every couple weeks. I could probably get away with $30 if I really tried to budget. And in that case, I could save more money sooner. I need to be able to last 4 months off of however much money. And if it was just groceries, that’d probably be okay. But I have to think about furniture too which would be a big chunk of it right away. Hm, maybe moving in so early isn’t such a good deal after all. Unless I keep working and find a different job, at least for over the summer while I’m in Chicago? That would definitely help me a lot. Well, I should definitely start saving at least 20% of each paycheck now. and we’ll see if i can find a job over the summer. i would work now but i dont want to overwhelm myself w/ 20hrs at work rn on top of school. i should ease into that if i want to work even more so that i still have time for hw and my church activities. But I think I’ll be okay. Hopefully. I also want to still buy birthday gifts for my friends this year so that may be an issue later on. Even rn, I’m thinking of going back to my sub of the day lifestyle bc i want to get Jeanne&David a gift now but by the time I get paid, it’ll be too late. So I have to use the money I have rn. Imma be broke, real fast. I should’ve taken better care of it. I am taking care of myself a lot more this year but I’m slowly realizing how expensive it is. It makes me almost regret it. 

Anyway, Hyde Park was really nice and all the while, I texted Andrew when I could and it was really nice. He was just venting about Emily and how he’s moving on and I’m really happy for him. It was nice to see him so excited. Or I guess emotional is a better word? He claims to be a really chill guy and he is but I’m also so happy whenever he allows himself to have emotions. To feel anger and frustration and joy and sadness and everything in between. It’s okay to be an emotional person. That’s what makes you human. And I was really glad to be talking with him. And I know I was pretty pessimistic towards Emily in the past but I’m really trying to be more optimistic now and give her the benefit of the doubt instead of always immediately assuming the worst and encouraging Andrew to do the same. By the way, I don’t think I could ever tell him that I liked him in a crush sort of way. It would change everything. And not necessarily bc we’re friends and that’d be weird but bc I discovered that he’s a really emotional person and I don’t want to mess with him like that. That’s just shitty and he doesn’t deserve that. Especially right now. Also, I kind of liked how the other day I was in the middle of typing a message to him but never sent it. It was a good reminder so I purposefully did it again last night. It was something along the lines of, “I’m happy for you and I don’t want to take that away from you so I don’t want to say anything to you.” But when I was so excited to reply to him today, I ended up just deleting that immediately and almost regretted that I didn’t actually write it down. But I am pretty sure that it was along the lines of that so I’m glad that I got to document it somewhere to look back on. 

But after that, we traveled up to Bucktown and were a bit intimidated by the apartment. It was really nice but a little too nice. I don’t think we were ready for it. It even had an upstairs. It straight up felt like a house. It actually had a laundry room and everything. And while the price was doable, I think we were all a bit scared. And plus, the tenants are looking for someone to move in by March 1st anyway which is a bit too early for us so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. But it was still nice to check out and understand the different neighborhoods a bit better.

After that, Rhyarna and Emily hung out while Eliza and I went back to the dorm. Oh, we also ate at McDonalds and played on a playground after the second apartment. That was actually so much fun just being able to let go and feeling like a kid again. Being unapologetically dumb, haha.

But yeah, Eliza and I went home and she knocked out while I chatted on the phone a bit with my sister and then doing more research into the apartment. Then, we went back out to Hyde Park along with Rhyarna’s roommate and just explored the area. I did feel like I was going out of my way to be witty and funny that night but it was still a fun experience nonetheless. And plus, her roomie actually had a wine opener so I finally opened the bottle and drank with my friends. And then I decided to give the rest to my roommates so that they could take it away from me. Which I think was the right thing to do. But I also wasn’t living the most Christlike today which I do regret. I kept trying to fit in and be cool by cussing and saying I casually drink and using the Lord’s name in vain and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. I was definitely aware of what I was doing and saying and how it was wrong but I continued anyway. 

I do want to continue to be more open and accepting of who God is and really embrace that but I’m not there yet. I did pray long and hard about whether or not I should become a member at Lakeview and God gave me multiple signs that I should stay and commit. But at this point in my life, I am still hardcore struggling to rely on Him instead of myself and that makes me feel like I’m not quite ready to make that step yet. But maybe that’s moreso serving next year with Lakeview. And I haven’t really had time to pray about it either which is unfortunate but that’s really my own fault. Aside from not having a great outlet so I can just pray, I also think a part of me is afraid of the answer that God is going to show me. And I honestly don’t know which possibility I’m more scared of. But that’s where I’m at right now. I think I’ll take the forms to church tomorrow and be ready to give them to P. William but who knows if I’ll actually move forward with it. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

#reflection

[jorgerbastos]

First of all, this post is about Georgia, the country! Not the Georgia, the US State 🙂

Georgia is situated in the Caucasus region, between Europe and Asia. Historically it has been a fundamental region for trade and war. This made Georgia extremely interesting and full of activities to do and places to see. However, if you are planning to visit Georgia you should be aware of a few things.

Georgia and the Locals

#1 Georgia will soon become a tourist and backpackers Mecca! So, if you like quiet countries with a lot to offer, you should visit Georgia now! In a few years, it will be bustling with tourists!

#2 It’s debatable if Georgia is in Europe or Asia because the country is in the frontier between the continents. Though, the border between Asia and Europe is a historical and cultural construct, defined only by convention.

#3 However, historically, socially and culturally Georgia is clearly closer to Europe than to Asia. Even in terms of appearance, generally, Georgians look like Eastern Europeans.

#4 Georgia is a very mountainous country. It’s clearly marked by the Caucasus mountains and it has several peaks above 5000 meters. The most famous of them is Kazbegi (also know as Kazbek), although it isn’t the highest.

#5 In August 2008 there was a war between Russia and Georgia because of the regions of Abkhazia and South Ossetia. Depending on who you ask these regions are considered independent, part of Russia or part of Georgia.

#6 In the last few years Georgia has been approaching more to the West, becoming an “aspiring country” to NATO and expressing a desire to become a member state of the EU.

#7 You will find very few people who speak English, at least more than just a few words and phrases. Even in tourism related services like guest houses and restaurants.

#8 There’s kind of an online legend that Georgian people are incredibly nice to a foreigner. It’s even said that they believe that a guest is a gift from God… Sorry, but we call it bullshit! Georgian are as nice as any other people. There are extremely nice people and others not so much…

#9 Georgia is a conservative and religious country. Georgians are mostly Christian Orthodox, Georgian Apostolic Autocephalous Orthodox Church to be more precise. It was also one of the first countries in the world to assume Christianity, back to the 4th century.

Travel in Georgia and Tourists

#10 Western tourists and backpackers are still a minority, in Georgia. Most of the tourists are Russian, but there’s also a surprising number of middle eastern too.

#11 Traveling in Georgia is extremely safe! Even though we weren’t expecting it to be any danger, it still surprised us how safe and relaxed the country is. It’s “children playing in the streets at night” safe… So, if nothing really weird happens you have nothing to worry about on this.

#12 Prepare yourself to see a lot of monasteries and fortresses 🙂 And usually, they are up in a hill away from everything, so lots of hiking too…

#13 Vardzia is an amazing place that needs to be included in your trip. It’s a monastery and a citadel built inside a mountain. For a very small fee, you can explore it almost free. It’s kind of awesome walking through the tunnels that connect houses, monasteries and other places in the citadel. Together with Khertvisi fortress is on the tentative list of UNESCO Heritage sites.

#14 Usually Borjomi isn’t the first place people think when traveling to Georgia, but it definitely deserves your attention. Borjomi is a spa town and home of the famous sparkling water of the same name. It’s a very green place with wonderful views and great outdoor hot baths, the Sulfur Tsar Baths. We enjoyed resting, relaxing in a hot pool in the middle of the mountains and people watching.

#15 Kutaisi and the surrounding area is full of interesting places to visit. From the Bagrati Cathedral to the incredible Gelati Monastery, passing through the wonderful Martvili canyon and the Prometheus Caves. You will have plenty of things to do in Kutaisi.

#16 Tbilisi doesn’t really feel like a capital city with 1,1M inhabitants. When you are in downtown Tbilisi it has the feel of “small” medieval town. Despite this, Tbilisi has a vibrant nightlife and plenty of things to see and do. We strongly advise you to take the cable car to Narikala fortress and enjoy the view to the city.

#17 The Georgian Military Road is one of the most beautiful roads that you will ever drive! The high mountains are incredible, though we really need to highlight the view to the majestic Mount Kazbegi in Stepandsminda.

#18 If you are tired of visiting monasteries and old castles you may want to shuffle things and visit the weird Stalin Museum… Stalin was born in Gori, Georgia and in the museum, you can visit its birth house, his train carriage and see a lot of documents and photos. However, if you don’t manage a guide you won’t understand anything. Everything is in Georgian and Russian.

#19 Unfortunately there’s some trash in streets and some people just throw things to the floor. It isn’t alarming nor anything near Cambodia or Laos but Georgian really need to take care of the problem before it becomes much worse.

Food and Drinks

#20 Georgian food is tasty but we found it to be a bit too salty. The bread, the cheese, and pastries were always on the salty side! At one point even mineral water seemed to be salty…

#21 Bread and Pastries are the base of Georgian food. Moreover, they are extremely cheap and yummy! Though, be aware that your scale may not like Georgia as much as you and your wallet 🙂

#22 There are two things you can’t leave Georgia without trying (and probably repeating)! Khinkali and Khachapuri.

#23 Khinkali is a dumpling with a filling consisting of only minced meat with herbs (originally). Though, you can find many alternatives filling to meat, like cheese, potato, or mushroom. It’s freaking good! Juicy, tasty, yummy all the way!

#24 Khachapuri is the staple food of Georgia and it’s simply a dish of cheese-filled bread. The filling contains cheese (fresh or aged, most commonly sulguni), eggs and other ingredients. There are several variations of it but the most famous one are the Adjaran Khachapuri and the Imerulian Khachapuri. Cheese, bread, butter… how could it be anything by amazing? Be aware that it’s very filling too 🙂

Khachapuri

Adjaran Khachapuri

#25 Weirdly in a country that likes pastries so much there aren’t many Georgian sweets and deserts… We have looked around and basically, the only thing we found and tried is the Churchkhela, which is a candle shaped candy made of grape must, nuts and flour. It’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it? It was good but we were expecting to be sweeter 🙂

#26 There many, many roadside sellers in Georgia, usually selling fruit, vegetables, honey, wine, and handicrafts. We advise you to buy from these sellers whenever its possible. The things are cheap and you’ll be helping the local community directly! Fruits particularly are very good!!

#27 Food is surprisingly cheap, both restaurants and fast food. We usually had one fast food meal and one restaurant every day. Including snacks, water and breakfast we ended up averaging less than 10 Euros per day per person! Incredible…

#28 Did you know that Georgia claims to be the creators of the wine around 6000 BC? We are both abstemious and didn’t really try it but apparently, Georgian wines are very good and very important for their culture. Furthermore, it can be a great gift to bring back from the vacations!

#29 In Georgia (and Armenia) a Lemonade doesn’t really need to be made of Lemons! You can have a pear Lemonade or our “favorite” a Tarragon Lemonade… YEAP, you read it right… Tarragon… Lemonade…

Georgian Lemonade

#30 Georgia is quite famous for its quality mineral water, particularly the Borjomi (carbonated) and Bakuriani (plain). In Borjomi you can fill your bottle with it for free, however, it isn’t really the same you buy in the supermarkets.

Money and Costs of traveling in Georgia

#31 Georgia is an all-around inexpensive country. Probably the worst and heaviest price you will pay is the flight to Georgia, which may be expensive due to the lack of alternatives and location.

#32 Altogether we paid 775 Euros, meaning 35 per day per person in Georgia, excluding flights! This is an extraordinary deal and a big reason to Georgia become a big backpacker destination quickly.

#33 Accommodation can be really cheap! Most of the times they are on the level with South East Asia, however with a big difference: they have much better quality! You can find much better value for money deals. In Thailand you get what you pay, in Georgia you can get much more than you are paying.

#34 Fuel is also very inexpensive… We are talking about roughly half the price of most Western Europe countries… We paid 0.6 to 0.7 euros per liter! Pretty cool ah?

#35 Outside the bigger cities it can be difficult to an ATMs. Be prepared for that!

#36 You don’t pay a fixed ATM fee, which makes your life managing your GEL much easier. You can withdraw small amounts with any issue. Note: We are talking about the ATM fee (like the ones you see in Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, etc), not your banking or exchange fee!

#37 Most small places won’t accept cards, particularly guest houses, restaurants and very small supermarkets. So having cash is still very handy! The good thing is that they never charge an extra for using a foreign card, like in South East Asia…

#38 Be aware of service charge in restaurants. Most restaurants charge 10 to 15% service charge added to a customer’s bill to the menu rates. These are usually (if not always) displayed in the menus.

Transportation

#39 Flights in and out of Georgia have the tendency to be at very weird hours, which can be very tiring and ruin 1 or 2 days of the trip! Be aware of the hours of your flights. The airport is full at 3, 4, 5 in the morning…

#40 On the upside there’s a practically free (0,5 Lari – less than 0,2 Euros) airport-Tbilisi-airport bus that runs 24 h a day! We couldn’t find its schedule but apparently in passes every 30 minutes (roughly)

#41 Public means of transport and Marshrutka are very cheap to travel, however, in our opinion, they are only a better option for urban trips. Longer trips will be very uncomfortable and even dangerous…

#42 If you want to travel around Georgia it’s much better to rent a car and enjoy all the freedom and agility it gives you. You will be able to visit more places and places that you probably wouldn’t if you had to take taxis or Marshrutka.

#43 However, note that Georgians are horrible drivers. The only times when we didn’t feel perfectly safe while traveling in Georgia! If you aren’t experienced in driving in these conditions you may have a bad time. Though also take in consideration that if they crazy drivers, they are crazy drivers with you inside the Buses/vans.

#44 Be prepared to find lots of people and animals standing in the middle of the road! We are talking about cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, dogs, etc. Tip: In rural areas, you will see something pretty cool: In the end of the day, cows return home by themselves and stand in front of the gate waiting for the owner to open it! We found it so funny! 🙂

#45 Another weird thing about Georgian roads is that there are cars with driving wheels on the right and on the left…! We asked about it and apparently, it’s because it was cheaper to import cars with driving wheel on the right! Despite the fact they also drive on the right side of the road!

#46 Roads in Georgia were much better than we anticipated! We had read quite bad things about it but in general, they OK, considering that you are mostly driving mountain roads. Moreover, if you are coming from Armenia, Georgian roads will feel like a gift from heaven!

Other useful info about travel in Georgia

#47 There is WI-FI everywhere. Almost every coffee shop, restaurant, and guesthouse offers it! Even some tourist attractions offer it for free! And it’s usually quite good!

#48 Though if you have the need to be always online, you can buy a sim card in the Airport. For less than 10 USD you can buy 3Gb of internet.

#49 Apparently one can freely smoke everywhere, even in closed spaces like restaurants. It is uncomfortable to non-smokers…

#50 Finally, be prepared to find some begging in the streets, particularly of Tbilisi. In most of the biggest streets, you will find old people asking (politely not pushing) for money. It was very difficult to see and really broke our hearts, particularly when it was elderly people.

All in all, we loved traveling in Georgia! It has everything we like when traveling: stunning scenery, tasty food, lots of fun activities, interesting history and cheap prices! Again, you should visit Georgia ASAP because soon it will be full of tourists!

  Pin it later

50 Things you need to know before traveling to Georgia First of all, this post is about Georgia, the country! Not the Georgia, the US State 🙂

#best trails #off the beaten track #saving tips #Travel Lists #travel tips

[frecklesandpie-blog]

1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers.  Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho  I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows  and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy  but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding  . See more things I hate  be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything  . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told  him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends.  some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation.  Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on  talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian  and probably someone else  that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do.  I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation  for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been  thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it.  But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure  . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno  .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority  . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want  to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know?  Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And  also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever  I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations  and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to  respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve  been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today  . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview  . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.-  but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay  for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think  ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back.  I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either  . Sigh.  Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it  . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled  . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills.  Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to  hang out. Free to be out late.   Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki?   It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is.  Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I  see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic.  I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary.  and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true.  way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have  a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha,  tara, Jillian,  yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say.  I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier.  I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers   it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating.   then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop.  then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging.  thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now.  the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that  I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living.  I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments.  I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight.  or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that.  this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation.  before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i’m pretty sure im recovering so slowly bc im actually sick.

i’ve been feeling super cold all day which is waay out of character for me, someone who is constantly hot. 

but no ac, closed windows, im usually overheating to the point of sweating in 90 degree weather.

but i’ve been so cold not only today but also the past few days. and i think my health has just been decreasing ever since. the first night had a hard time sleeping, i felt an excruciating amount of pain in my mouth. it didn’t hurt as much as my ear but i’d compare it closely to that. and, my brain was just so fucked up. it was the same as when i first started watching izombie and i was absolutely convinced that they were real and going to eat me. and my logical side knew better, knowing that it was just a show and normally, im honestly fine with the show. but on that particular night, it was a living nightmare. and i went through that again my first night after my surgery except this time, it was with sally face. the game, really isn’t even scary or graphically horrifying in the least. but i couldn’t shake the thought. i just 

i could not escape my own mental prison. and it was terrible. bc not only did the overwhelming pain keep me up, but also the games my mind was playing on myself. 

im still in pain now but im definitely doing better. it’s very similar to how i was doing yesterday, except for the fact that i felt a lot hungrier and colder and weaker. but i am really hoping and praying that i get to sleep better tonight.

this saturday is our class barbecue at ethan’s house and i definitely want to go, if not to just bond with my fellow peers. BUT IM SO SAD THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING :(((( It is day 3 and i still cannot fully close my mouth. my teeth cannot touch each other without my cheeks getting in the way first. anything that i have attempted to chew required my tongue to stand as the middle man in between my teeth. and it’s frustrating!!! but i really really really want to eat good food along with my fellow classmates T 0 T

i’m just really hoping that my mouth doesn’t pose as an issue when i go up to retreat. there is no way that i will not go to retreat. OKAY FUTURE JESSICA? REMEMBER THIS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’RE IN OR HOW MUCH YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CHOSE TO COME HOME SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO SUMMER RETREAT. AND THIS ONE SURGERY IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. DON’T LET IT. 

im trying to figure out some last few plans before returning to chitown. i’m still kinda worried about my money but at least im guaranteed a job in the woodshop when i return. and it’ll be a decent paycheck so. i just gotta hope that i have enough money for textbooks and food for the time being. maybe new notebooks but i think im just going to focus on the essentials right now, like food. i kinda don’t want to starve although there will probably be days when i have to. im happy that i decided to take the latter half of august off but the other part of me wishes i decided to keep working so that i wouldn’t have to worry about money so much. i can’t even imagine how stressed i’ll be once i try paying for an apartment with monthly rent. living off of a minimum wage job is tough. i think i’ll definitely have to be willing to get an additional roommate to live with me in my room to lower the cost of living. even if it’s uncomfortable, ~$250 is way better than trying to pay $500 a month. Especially when I have to think about money for projects too.

since i’ve basically been bedridden all day, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i was watching some christmas catcreature videos and i was reminded of the importance of friends and family, i really have loved being back here and imagining a future where i never return to these people and my life in california... it almost seems crazy. i really appreciate my late night trips with david and andrew and i hope we can do them again in the future. it’s honestly been great getting to know my parents and my sister on a deeper level. and i’ve been bonding a lot more with my class at church. and i am really excited to go to our get together. last summer, before i left, things were still pretty toxic. i had to leave but i literally could not handle being stuck in such a toxic environment any longer. and it breaks my heart that jude has to keep going through that. i would’ve lost my mind. literally. i never felt good enough for anyone. and when they shut me out, it just caused me to feel even worse about myself. but since then, so much has changed. and we’ve all matured so so so so much. and that’s honestly really great and i am beyond glad to be able to grow and thrive with these people. 

but i have realized that it’s been hard for me to really be open and vocal about my emotions and how i’m feeling. i’ve been pretty good at venting in these blog posts and admittedly, sometimes i felt restricted bc i knew that jeanne and andrew could see these deeply personal words. but knowing that they both kinda gave up on keeping me up allowed me to be more open again. which kinda sucks. bc that means i’m just keeping everything to myself again. and honestly, writing everything down and just brain dumping has been immensely helpful in allowing me to better process my current situation and surroundings. i don’t want to forget these moments or these feelings. 

but i also don’t want to shut people out bc i now have this medium where i can just vent and truly express myself. i want to include people in my life still and i think sharing life on such a deep and personal level allows you to become much closer with people. by just talking about everything im going through here... yes, it helps me better understand my current circumstances but it also does not warrant any kind of reward. it’s just me, myself, and i.

i think the reason andrew and i are kinda awkward now is not bc we started hanging out in person. it’s bc i started shutting him off from my deep, personal, and emotional problems. which i’m definitely still struggling with. i am getting better at facing and understanding them but i’m still not done. and i started excluding him from that. 

and i’m sorry. 

i am.

and i want to get better at this. but i think there’s always a part of me that worries that im expecting too much out of other people and i dont want to be so incredibly dependent again. bc at that time, i basically couldn’t make any decisions on my own. i relied solely on the words of others. primarily anthony’s. and i don’t want to do that again. and i think what andrew and i had for a time worked bc we both felt comfortable enough to vent to each other about our own issues and it was never a one sided thing. and i guess i’m just afraid that it’s going to become that. 

#reflection