#like.. i am proud of myself for being constantly positive given everything

[stingslikeabee]

happy new year and 2022′s follow forever!

I feel I say this every year - but 2022 was the most challenging year for me thus far. From living entirely by myself in a foreign country while studying my ass off to surviving the most critical election that my country has faced since our (very young) re-democratization - it has been a lot. It has been exhausting, daunting and frightening for a myriad of reasons and yet this place (and you guys) have helped me survive it all.

New fandoms, new muses, new connections - 2022 introduced me to some lovely mutuals who have been more than roleplay partners; it solidified older friendships, as well! I couldn’t possibly go on and head into the new year without acknowledging some very special souls who made all the difference during these last months and to whom I credit part of my success of writing this with a smile on my face. :)

@sixthxchairman: YOU. YOU AMAZING HUMAN. I have no words to explain how much I love you and the immensely positive impact you’ve had on my life, Dawn. This time, last year, I was already in awe at how much I had grown to love and care for Daigo and all our plotting; one year later and we have a MULTIVERSE. You are responsible for rekindling my passion for a franchise to the point of picking up Akiyama, you have been the one person I couldn’t go a day without dropping by to say hello, you’ve kept me company during bleak hours and complicated times of my life and all I can say is a huge ‘thank you’. I love the fanart we commissioned, the gifts we exchanged, the movie night experience! It feels like I’ve known you forever and I cannot wait until we finally meet and fangirl in person. <3 Honestly, you’re incredible and I’m grateful for having you every day! A day without my daily Down dose (wohoo alliteration!) is not a happy one.

@cwarscars: Han, my love, the owner of the sexiest voice ever, the best doggo groomer in all of the UK - I am so happy to see you writing for my favorite villain of the FFVII franchise but also for being who you are. You just are so incredible kind, always willing to give everyone a chance and such a blessed brain with all these delightful ideas and well-rounded portrayals that I could go on for hours about. I am thrilled to remain your friend after 3 years, and it feels symbolic that we have returned to Heidegger and Melissa at the closing of 2022 since this is where it all started! I’ll never be able to thank you enough for all the love and support for my OC when she was still a FFVII side piece and giving her space to shine. You rock!

@5judgements: Chelsea - you have given me the GIFT of writing Melissa in one of my favorite verses, as well as allowing me to fully flesh her FFXII persona and build upon the lore of my favorite FF entry. I will never be over the fact you made me soft for all judge magisters (BUT BERGAN, NOT YOU BERGAN) and how much we’ve picked this game apart to make it our own. It’s been an incredible experience and you’re such a talented, amazing writer! I am constantly in awe of everything you do and making grabby hands at your other muses (even if they are not heavily armored, haha) because you are so compelling when writing them. I am very proud to know that my legacy to you is being remembered whenever Shakira’s ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ come on the radio. :D

@kansaisdragon: Atlas, sweetheart - please know I’ll forever cherish the fact we’ll be both going broke over Akiyama together; it’s fun to make bad decisions in good company! :D But also - I am so immensely grateful for the time, interest and incredible writing you have given me during these last months. You have singlehandedly transformed my opinion on Ryuji, amused me with your own take on Akiyama, then watched me struggle with Kuwana and swing like a pendulum where my thoughts about him are concerned. I’m also in awe of how clearly you get their voices - and I’m always happy to see you around. I hope there’s much more for us in 2023!

@iosonostanco: GABE, WE DID IT. WE FINALLY MET EACH OTHER. To think a mere DM over tumblr from 2016 would get us to actually see each other and have real life adventures! I’ll never be able to thank you enough for being such a great friend - online and offline, for all these years. I’m so grateful for all the memories we made and to have your bastard, little shithead of a son back (and I mean this VERY lovingly). It’s easy to forget we met through roleplay given everything we’ve done and talked about - just know that I appreciate you immensely and I hope I can return the gracious hosting you’ve offered me in France one day! :D

@svnsworn: Liiiiiight - you know, I feel I don’t say this very often, but you are incredible. You have always been a consistent source of talent and positivity in the dash, with a jaw-dropping range and always so welcoming and friendly towards every new fandom or experience. I am so happy we have never lost sight of each other since we found each other on the FFVII fandom and I’m incredibly excited to dive head first into the PtN addiction with you. :D I love you lots, you’re in my inner circle of precious moots and I know you say we’re all rockstars but you know what? I play the reverse card on this and call myself your dedicated groupie! :3 I’ll always follow you and your children, no matter how different our fandoms are - you just shine all the way.

@exboost & @healthkits: I’m tagging both these blogs because I want you to read this, Lance - BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME. From the first day we really got to talking thanks to my Judgment ramblings, you have been nothing but this super welcoming and cheerful person and listen - I can talk so much and so fast and to have someone not being intimidated by my words-per-minute average is a blessing. I love reading about your takes and opinions and I’m forever screaming at the fact you have welcomed my girl (and Akiyama!) with such open arms into your children’s lives. Besides - I love how we just click, culturally wise. We definitely are close siblings (or cousins) and I love to see it, really!

@gbrnth: Linda! I’ll say that first of all, I’m happy you found your way back here and that we got to trade discords because it’s been so good to chat and watch our kids make bad decisions! It’s like a trainwreck - but of the good kind. I love FFXII immensely and to have been accepted by you & your son with Melissa being her infuriating little self was so good and is so fun! I love that we got to write again and I’m sincerely hoping our work/professional endeavors never fully remove the time to indulge in this hobby of ours. Have a lovely 2023!

@marie-dufresne: Frenchie, I wanted to include you here and give you a shout out because... Girl, you’re such an inspiration. I know we took ages to follow each other but gosh I love how excited you are about Marie, how incredibly talented you are with your hobbies and to know I just have you & Marie as some sort of sister figure to myself & Melissa where allowing our daughters questionable taste in men is concerned (alas, irl you are VASTLY superior to me haha I wish I had your aptitude for so many artistic endeavors!). I have enjoyed reading about Marie and knowing more about her a ton, and I really hope to see more (as chaotic as things can be on your personal side of things with the new kid and everything). I hope you have a great 2023!

@famuran: Cadewyn, my beloved - please know that I’m eternally grateful for all the support you have offered me offline this year. I think very few people have been so outspoken and firmly congratulated me for leaving my country behind and embracing a life-changing move (literally!). You have cheered me up and encouraged me when I faltered and this is so precious to me. And of course - your son will never not be my favorite sky pirate. I’m always happy to see you gracing the dash with your talent and I hope you continue to do so in 2023! :3

@shinrasfirst: You know, Min - maybe I wouldn’t have met the deadline for the applications of my masters if it hadn’t been for you. XD For this - and all the lovely capybara shitposting and mutual support offered in this year, I THANK YOU. You are always a bright, kind and funny presence in my life and I hope it never changes. I’m also determined! To make it! To Viennna! WE ARE SO CLOSE (I mean not right now, but back in February we’ll shift to the same time zone again), I can’t let this chance escape. ;--; No matter where you go fandom wise, I’m sure you’ll rock it. You are epic. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.

@ivory-paragon: After all these years and you did it. I might have lost your stuff for six months but you did it, you MADE ME SHIP THIS, JAMES. And with a very suitable creepy plot to explain everything and to use as the backdrop to my one-sided novels. ALL JOKES ASIDE - thank you for the good memories and joint plotting this year! :D You’ll never be free of me surging uninvited in your DMs, sir. As a fellow lawyer person, I know things are crazy and busy and I appreciate all the good vibes and positive thoughts you’ve sent my way with my move and everything - I’m hoping you’ll always have success (here and off tumblr, of course!).

@holyguardian & @rebelichor: Muddy, I just wanted to give your girls a shout out (as well as yourself!) because it’s always so good to read you having fun. I know we don’t always interact (but I’m getting there - I AM MAKING A DECENT VERSE OUTLINE FOR ARI) but I just love to see how much passion you have for these two, the range you can get while keeping them so true to their natures and just your overall happy self around. Real life can be hard, but you’ve always bounced back and I just feel that a dash with Muddy is a better dash. It feels like home to have you writing and creating next door, my follow Southern hemisphere friend. May 2023 treat you better! <3

#ooc! #follow forever #yeah I like these #and I did it again this year #please let me love y'all <3 #and a happy new year for us all!

[limeade-l3sbian]

I actually really appreciate you for that ratings posts.

The “humbling”‘aspect is enraging because it’s men allocating and ranking us as inferior, their opinions are never solicited, it’s just arrogance how they refuse to see us as equals.

I had a man online do that to my art once. Said it would look good in a coffee shop. Really triggered me.

I’m humble but I’m also honest that while I’m not good at everything, I’m very good at drawing. It’s a skill I’ve practiced and got into from an early age and over the years got good at. I’ve gotten 2 different ribbons for some of my ceramics pieces at an art fair. I’m proud of my art work and my sister loved a piece so much she asked for it as a Christmas gift. Someone else asked if I could draw his cat for him. So I’ve done a few “commissions” (I’m not a professional, it repulsed me how I was just trying to have a positive interaction and it was twisted as me seeking approval and how rude it was. Covertly suggesting it wasn’t good enough when I didn’t ask. Also artists don’t rate each others art. Even my art teacher said art is art. I do pencil sketches. My teacher when I took classes really liked them I mean I did well and was already self taught. My mother ‘s side of the family jokes that I got their “art gene my mom would joke that the art gene skipped her, because her brother and sister are really good, my uncle did fine art that looks like you can touch it, and my cousin is good too. )

Also an artist would never say that they don’t rate people’s art work because you can’t really “rate” art. It triggered me because I always worry about being good enough. And I haven’t drawn in a while due to oppressive circumstances like not even having privacy and personal space and being constantly in survival. Don’t sleep well, so I get anxious “what if I can’t draw again?”

Men are evil. Like why do they feel the need to “humble “ us? That pisses me off when they act like a judge of my value that makes me feel like this 🔪🔪

How do I not let past comments ruin my enthusiasm?

After my mom died, after I sought help, after I discolored sexual abuse, and was blamed… (and I only stopped for the sake of other women,) I acted out my traumas with men online and woukd engegr in behaviors while under the influence, cause I figured I was ruined anyway, I felt suicidal and wanted ti dissociated. Only stopped because I care about how my choices can harm other women. ) but it’s ironic because I feel like I ruined myself by engaging and interacting with men.

I grew up in a bubble I truly didn’t fathom how cruel they are.

I want to feel passionate and “narcissistic” about how good I am at art again.

Is it a jealously thing? Why do they do it ?

I wish I never engaged, I feel ruined like it will always be in my head, thar rating/ like sense of not feeling good enough existed before that comment but I don’t want it to crush my joy, it triggered me and I ruminjatr over the fear of others not liking my art; I’ve always used it to connect with other. I feel like being traumatized by men has made it so I struggle to connect/lost the connection I miss that I use to have to myself.

Do a lot of men lack talent? Is that the thing?

I could get over being given a 1/10 or told I’m ugly because my own father use to neg me while everyone else called me pretty, I know whh men neg. But it feels soul crushing to go after something personal like that.

You cannot be ruined, and you carry the same diligence and discipline that every artist carries.

I weirdly had a lot of artist friends growing up (weird because I didn't seek them out. We would just be friends and it would come out that they're really good artists lol), and I never told them that they were "lucky" they were so good. I told them "you've got a lot of patience" and when I got older, my go-to was always, "Damn, the discipline on you is insane."

Writing and visual art are similar but different. I write, but like you said, I haven't really been doing it the way I used to. There is a lot of love and self reflection and patience that goes into getting something the way you want it. Not the way people will enjoy it, but the way you want it.

You are afraid you will never be "able" to draw again. I have fears that I will never be "able" to write again. Our circumstances are undoubtedly different in terms of what has forced us to push aside our passions, but that anxiety and fear of never being able to return is the same. And I think, for me, the answer is: we might not.

We might not get back to the way we used to draw/write. What comes after these current and past tribulations in your life will change because of the circumstances that have forced you to go into survival mode (I am deeply sorry about your mom). You won't see the world the way you did after this. There will be small things in this life that you are now aware of. New fears. New dreams. New perspectives. New attitudes. You'll have changed, so it's not so insane that your art will change with you.

For me, writing used to be an escapism. Less realistic and more the way I wished things were. But I realized a few years ago that I feel more connected to my writing when I incorporate problems that I have or that I see around me. But it's still hard for me on a technical level to return to form.

The comments will hurt. Even the strongest people admit that despite the walls and thick skin they build, there is always a crack that someone manages to slip through. That, from a man or woman, is an unfortunate part of life. People will try and give you grief about something they know nothing about. My father is probably the worst writer I have ever met LMAO but he tried to be rude about my writing as a child. As a child. He was trying to break me down before I could even stay home on my own.

It's not about repelling the comments at all times. I guess in a sense, it's like being your confidence's immune system. Absorb these comments, see what you can take from it. If there's nothing there, then you will feel the effects, but it'll flush out eventually like the shit it is. And if there is something to it, then hold onto that and flush out the rest.

Returning to that passion might be a longer road than the first time around. But you have that rare and impressive discipline of artists that makes people annoyed. That ability to burn for progress. That you even ache to return to form is like noticing the faint light in your soul's window, proving that something is still flickering in there.

When you find it again, because you will, it will look different. The lines may be softer or more jagged. You might favor this color over that one now. All these little things will be so different! But when you find it again, because you will, you'll look back at the old way you used to do things and think, "That's so funny. I used to be obsessed with doing it that way."

And there won't be anything wrong with the old passion, you'll just have a new one. <3

#ask

[alostlittleriverlotus]

An annoying thing about how I live is that I have 0 accessibility for my disabilities. I barely got diagnosed with PCOS literally ONLY thanks to my best friend helping me. My IBS has been ignored as "normal" for years despite the agony it puts me through. My back/leg pain was said to be growing pain or me needing to work out and now it's said to be cause of my weight and me needing to work out. All of my stuff has been ignored, my parents won't take me to see a doctor at all despite me bringing it up multiple times. I literally have had sleep problems since I was 10 and despite me always saying I can't sleep to my parents, they claimed they weren't aware and it was up to me, a fucking ten year old, to let them know.

I'm also autistic and I bring this up because I can't always tell when I feel things. Between trauma and autism, I struggle to tell when things "aren't normal." If I don't 100% fit a criteria, I tell myself it can't be me. My parents either act as if I'm dying if I have something or act like they can't be bothered. So I avoid telling others cause of that embarrassing overreaction or when I get sad cause nobody cares.

So that's the trauma dump. Now here's the part that upsets me.

Fruit, strawberries specifically cause they're a safe food for me, help my IBS. But I don't always want to eat them or need to. So if I let the majority of them go bad, my mom stops buying them. Yet that's always when I need them. I literally get such bad pain it's through my entire torso or I am literally crying cause of it. We can't even have literal strawberries or other fruit around and my mom always guilts me for not eating them. Even when I ask her to buy them, I have to "promise to eat them this time."

This simple accessible food for me that can literally save my body from excruciating pain because fruit helps my IBS or saves me from bad times if I can eat it with an IBS triggering meal is something I can't even regularly have without being guilted.

And that sums up everything. That says everything about how I have to live.

Also my mom tells me to work out constantly if I ache. Well I did just that (easy workouts, no strain, mostly just stretching) and now my legs are in pain. And even as a kid, if I told her it made it worse, she wouldn't even look at me and just say "I dunno what to tell you then."

And this is why I'm traumatized.

So this was mostly a trauma dump, but it's just frustrating and a reality. I know I need mobility aids. I know I need a shower seat. I know I need help. And I can't even get it cause I'm dependent on them and cause of my disabilities, mental and physical, I can't work enough to have a stable income.

At least accepting I was disabled and knowing a few of my physical disabilities (PCOS, IBS) has given me ways to help myself, finding a community, and targeting exactly what I need.

The first disability aid I got myself is this cute little water bottle carrier. It keeps the water cooler and it has saved me so much. I can't shop without overheating or becoming super dehydrated and this single water bottle carrier has saved me from that. I can't drink water unless it's cool. Even slightly cooler than room temp water makes me nauseous. But this carrier keeps my body heat from warming it so it stays nice and cool and it is heavenly. It has genuinely helped me so much in stores and shopping.

I'm making a list of what disability aids I'll need in the future from mobility aids to things like a shower chair to just safe foods for my IBS or low blood sugar helpful foods. And then when I live with my gf or my friends, I'm gonna work with them to be able to get them. So I've got a plan.

I like to end on positivity for my own mental sake. Plus it feels good having a plan and I like being proud of myself/celebrating how far I've come. Cause I don't get that much and it helps :)

#disabled #actually disabled #invisible disability #physical disability #ibs #chronic pain #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #spoonie #low blood sugar #hypoglycemia #pcos #physical health #leg pain #back pain #joint pain #fatigue #easily fatigued #slight trauma dump #vent #rant #cw trauma dump #nothing serious but it's a bit heavy #actually traumatized #neglected #abuse and neglect #actually neglected #positive spin #trying to be positive #celebrating myself

[longlivelevi]

Sometimes I feel on top of the world - able to do anything, overcome anything

And sometimes, I feel everything pushing my brain until it crumples into little pieces

It's like I can see the way, I can feel it really clearly but every step I take is like trying to rush against a neverending storm. It's like I'm given little nuggets of hope that is supposed to sustain me for a few days until the next dose. And I keep going, keep living like that. I don't know if it will ever end. I just know want to be a person I can be proud of.

A person I can say made people happy, loved as hard as hard as they could, was sad, was confused, was lost, was found, was a human being. Because through it all, the moments I disassociated and felt like the world was crumbling all around me. I felt God hold my hand and say it's going to be okay. I feel God tell me to forgive, to let my soul feel all the pain because it will grow from it.

What did I find in them that I'm supposed to give others? Did I find belonging in their words? If belonging means to doom oneself to being like them, then what's the point? Survive. Show the way. Have to show the way. What is the way forward from all of this? I ask myself every day. I am, at times, even myself unaware of how much pain I am in.

I try to bury it, hide it constantly. And my obsession with being a human being that started several years ago has created gaps in my defenses, coping mechanisms. I am now unable to hide away from my pain, emotions, vulnerability. I am now put into the same weakening position that destroyed my heroes so I wonder now - how? What do I do now?

Lead the way.

[wool-f]

Learning to accept praise... even from yourself

Even though I take pride in everything I do, I often have trouble accepting praise, both from myself and from others. This is something I’ve written profusely about in my journal, and a strange quirk about myself that I often ponder.

Why can’t I accept praise for the work that I do? Why can’t I take a moment in time to acknowledge something good I’ve done, and celebrate it?

I think it roots from my perfectionism, where I think that everything I do could be done that tiny bit better, and also from the way society has taught women to talk down to ourselves, and diminish the work that we do.

I know that I am not isolated in this inability to accept praise, so I thought I would dive a bit deeper into it today.

In my journal a few weeks ago, I was writing about a moment I had at work, where I had received praise from a colleague who I deeply admire, and wish to be like one day. In the moment I, of course, accepted the praise with positivity and gratitude, but inside I felt like I was an imposter, like how could I possibly be receiving this compliment for such little work?

Imposter syndrome is something I have struggled with constantly in my working life, and I continue to struggle with it daily. I never think I’m doing enough and I always think I could work better. I have come to realise that this is often a figment of my imagination, and that I am in fact deserving of being exactly where I am at any given time. I am a hard worker and dedicated to whatever it is that I am doing.

I can’t help but draw the connection between imposter syndrome and being unable to accept praise within myself. I use affirmations constantly to reverse this negative practice I have going inside my own head, and often it does work - the power of words is amazing, and almost always a mood booster for me.

But what do I do when affirmations only go so far? Well I have come to realise that I have to give myself a break and some credit, and a moment to enjoy the successes I am having, no matter how small.

I think there is a psychological link between being unable to accept praise, and being unable to accept goodness into your life, and that is definitely not something I want to believe about myself. I always welcome good things into my life and experience, and I am working on transforming my current inability to accept praise so that in the future, I can harness the power of my own positive thoughts to manifest the next steps in life.

To do this, I have had to confront why it is that I find it so hard to accept a compliment. I think it began when I exited a very toxic and in many ways abusive relationship. I left that person hating everything about myself, from the sound of my laugh to what I look like. I didn’t look in the mirror for at least 4 months following the breakup. After that experience, I pulled myself out of the dark place that I was in, and have found solace in loving myself at all levels.

So now, I can give myself compliments, and receive them for my physical appearance and personality, but I had not realised the depth at which the issue had imprinted onto my psyche. This internal disapproval of myself had seeped into my work mind and I hadn’t even realised it.

I found myself journaling about this, and wondering, where do I go from here? I can’t face this issue the same way I faced those with my physical appearance, so what can I do? And I need to solve it quickly, otherwise I would be stuck in a rut for much of my professional life.

I’ll be honest - the truth is, I don’t know the answer. At this stage, I have been using affirmations and regular meditation coupled with journaling to combat the moments where I notice it happening, and changing my language when I talk about myself - i.e. “I’m just a writer”, or “I’m just doing a masters”.

These are simple examples of what happens in my mind throughout the day, and I constantly scold myself for reducing myself to “just” anything. I am working on constantly being a proud hard worker, a good writer and a positive, ambitious person. These are emotions and things that I deserve to feel and believe about myself.

For anyone else out there who has these thoughts like I do, if you diminish yourself, or say the phrase “I am just …”, take this as a sign to speak nicely to yourself, and to give yourself a break from self-oppression. Challenge yourself this week and accept one complement given from yourself, and one compliment from another person, and really truly, accept them. Believe them. Believe in yourself.

If I figure out a quicker way to get out of the negative self-talk and into better feed-back loops I’ll share it, but for now, good luck to you and to me! We all need it.

G xx

#gratitude #grateful #mindfulness #mental heath #mental health journey #praise #accepting praise #habits #good habits #happy life #lifestyle #lifestyle blogger

[ficninja]

A Beautiful Night Indeed

So I did a thing...

I wrote a Penelope and Colin fic! I haven't written anything in so long that I seriously surprised myself. I just couldn't help it, I've become so obsessed with them. I wanted to post it here for anyone interested in reading. It's an extended scene I guess, a wish fulfillment if you will, of what I wanted to happen after their dance at the Vauxhall Ball in episode 01 "Diamond of the first water."

Pairing: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington Summary: Colin is protective of Penelope after Cressida spills her drink on her. Colin doesn't want to let go of Penelope's hand after their dance. Colin is confused about his feelings and Anthony calls him out on it. Colin wants more than anything for Penelope to trust him

A Beautiful Night Indeed

It was a beautiful night. Penelope had arrived to the Vauxhall ball a half an hour early with her Father and sisters. They were just in time to see the lighting of all the torches surrounding the expansive gardens right as the Sun began to hang low in the ever darkening sky…

Standing near the orchestra dining area, watching the dancing begin, Penelope looked around avoiding being spotted by one of her sisters. She was surprised when she heard Colin say her pet name.

“Pen…” Colin approached Penelope. He never had trouble finding her in a crowd. He was constantly captivated by her stunning red hair. Her hair beckoned him like a glowing fire, his eyes always drawn to the beauty of the permanent sunset. She was standing alone expectantly, he surmised she was looking for someone.

“Colin…” Penelope sighed adorably which made him smile to himself. She had the cutest voice, he had always thought so.

“I did not know you would be here.” Penelope was pleasantly surprised to see him. His height towering as he walked closer, making her feel small and delicate by comparison.

“Sorry to disappoint.” Colin teased, causing her to smile. She was never able to resist this pull he had on her.

“Have you seen Miss Thompson?” He inquired. Miss Thompson had many suitors and Colin supposed he should try to get to know Penelope’s cousin a bit more, lest his interest wane.

“She is ill.” Penelope informed him, a bit dispassionately, her smile faltering. “My mamá had to stay home with her.” She continued. “Papá had to chaperone.”

Colin looked over his shoulder to see Mr. Featherington enjoying a refreshment and in an animated discussion, completely unobservant of his youngest daughter.

Colin turned back to Penelope giving her his complete attention, the inquiry into her cousin’s whereabouts fleeting. He did not like that she was vulnerable without her Father’s gaze on her.

“I’m quite enjoying the fact that he is here.” Penelope’s smile picked back up and Colin recalled that she enjoyed spending time with her father… away from her neglectful mother.

Mrs. Featherington should be there as well, Colin thought to himself. This was Penelope’s debut season. What mother, wouldn’t accompany a daughter as sweet and innocent as Penelope everywhere?

“Mamá would never allow me to wear a dress like this.” Penelope’s smile brightened the darkened garden even more. “Not yellow enough, I think.” She giggled self-deprecatingly.

Colin had taken note of how especially lovely Penelope looked that night. Although it was hard for Penelope to look bad, given her cute face and enchanting hair, her mother seemed to be trying to detract from her looks with every yellow frock she forced on her. He would acknowledge that according to Eloise having a nice face and pleasant hair should not be considered an accomplishment. But given the lack of genteel stock in Penelope’s lineage, it was indeed a glowing accomplishment in contrast to her older sisters, at least according to Colin’s preferences.

Before Colin could genuinely compliment Penelope’s dress, Cressida Cowper appeared and interrupted their conversation. Accompanied by her entourage of ninnies, they pushed between he and Penelope.

“Mr. Bridgerton...” Cressida’s voice really grated on Colin’s nerves. “I believe you owe me a dance this evening. And I only have one more space remaining on my card at present.”

“How convenient.” Penelope observed, her words so softly spoken that Colin almost… almost didn’t hear her. But her tremulous voice carried over to Colin. It was like a melody… a song only for him in contrast to Cressida’s.

Cressida thrust her dance card out to her side and simultaneously spilled her drink on the front of Penelope’s dress. “Penelope, I did not see you there!” Cressida feigned shock.

Penelope gasped in sheer mortification, turning away from them as the blast of cold liquid slid down her chest. She looked down to check her dress, thanking heaven that the drink was clear and would not stain. Penelope felt heat color her cheeks and her eyes began to water. She was so proud of the way she looked that night and to have this happen to her at Cressida’s hands and in the presence of Colin no less, she thought she would pass out from the humiliation.

Colin glared at Cressida. How dare she attempt to injure Penelope’s person with that drink and right in front of him. He thought to himself, if Cressida was not a Lady and barely one at that… His anger peaked at the mental image of what he would do. His nostrils flared at her before he turned his attention back to Penelope.

“I’m afraid I cannot offer you that dance, Miss Cowper.” Colin’s voice barely remained courteous. “I am to escort Miss Featherington, to the floor.” His decided rejection of Cressida caused Penelope to turn around, astonished.

Penelope’s blue eyes, glossy with embarrassment, met his. Colin had a fierce look on his face. Determined he was, not to allow anyone to mistreat her in his presence. He reached for Penelope's gloved hand, slipping her tiny feminine satin-clad fingers through his larger masculine ones, as he glared once again at Cressida before escorting Penelope away and onto the dance floor.

Colin spun Penelope into position just as the spirited dance started. His fingers glided across the brocade material along her upper back. Her soft tresses skimmed across the back of his hand… This was one of Colin’s favorite dances and he smiled down at her excitedly. Penelope was an amazing partner. The embarrassment caused by Cressida eased from her eyes and she matched his enthusiam for the dance. The eager smile on her face as he spun her around caused an ache to invade inside his chest. The protectiveness he felt moments ago seemed to increase ten fold and everything inside of him wanted that smile to remain on her face for the rest of her life.

When the dance ended, Colin found himself irrationally thinking of a reason to keep Penelope's hand in his. An illogical impulse, given it would be improper since he was not officially courting her. The reminder to himself, that he was not in fact courting Penelope Featherington, but had expressed an interest in her distant cousin caused him to be inexplicably confused and annoyed with himself. The annoyance he felt was upsetting to him and he clenched his jaw in vexation. Just as he was about to convince himself to let her go, the announcement began…

“Ladies and Gentleman, a most extraordinary event is about to take place.

Right this way!

Come! Come!”

Colin looked down at Penelope just as she gazed her startled blue eyes up at him. Just looking in her eyes soothed away his baffling aggravation. He smiled at her mischievously as he pulled her along side him continuing to hold her hand. Definitely not letting go of her now.

Penelope was delighted that Colin wanted to continue their time together at the ball. The way he looked at her during their dance… she knew it was just a result of his protective nature. She believed he was genuinely outraged by Cressida’s behavior toward her. But his continued attention made her heart soar, even more than usual, just from being around him. A sort of magic seemed to envelop them, almost as if Colin was finally seeing her as a woman and not like a little sister. Penelope worried that the let down from reality settling around her again would break her heart irreparably.

“Come along, Pen. We must not miss this most extraordinary event!” Colin continued to grin at her as he pulled Penelope along.

Colin spotted an open section near the edge of the crowd and stopped there. It was a bit darker there, secluded away from the torches, and he couldn’t make out everyone around them. He tugged Penelope a bit closer in front of him as more people surrounded them.

He noticed that she trembled a bit, so he leaned down near her ear. “Are you ok, Pen?”

Penelope was looking forward to the show, whatever this would be, but she had never been quite comfortable with the dark or with surprises.

Penelope felt Colin squeeze her hand and she looked up at him. His blue eyes warm with concern. “Yes, I’m ok. It is just a bit scary is all.”

Colin smiled at her then and her heart skipped a beat. “Everything will be ok. I’m right here. I would not let anything bad happen to you.” And she knew, she could feel that Colin meant it.

“Do you trust me, Pen?” He asked, holding her gaze fervently.

Looking into his eyes so close to hers was intoxicating and Penelope began to feel a little unsteady on her feet. She swayed a little as she answered him. “Y- Yes, o-of course I trust you, Colin.”

Colin noticed that she stuttered a bit, but she seemed to get her bearings.

“Good.” Penelope’s assurance that she trusted him, did something to his insides and Colin felt unbalanced.

The announcement picked up again…

“It is with great privilege I present Vauxhall’s newest spectacle of illumination. Feast your eyes above and allow all that is radiant to overwhelm you!”

Penelope squeezed Colin’s hand just as the lights illuminated all at once above them. They were surrounded by the glass bulbs! The brilliance was magnificent. The sudden amazement caused Penelope to step back into Colin. His chest cradled her head and his other hand, that wasn’t holding hers, grabbed her waist to steady her.

The MC continued,

“Wonderful Light! Thank you!”

“Its alright.” Colin murmured softly into her hair. She smelled like orange blossoms. Colin could not keep himself from breathing her in. He wondered if it was just her hair or if she smelled of the fragrant flower all over her body. The hand holding her waist moved unconsciously to the ends of her rosy hair, his fingers delicately caressed the softness of her strawberry locks. Colin’s mind was muddled, he closed his eyes in contentment, memorizing the texture of her hair. He couldn’t think straight. He had to stop himself from dropping a kiss to the top of her head, the need to be a comfort to her began to outweigh his reason.

Penelope thought she imagined Colin’s fingers in her hair. The closeness of his body to hers was heady… She closed her eyes briefly, relishing in the warmth of him behind her. She inhaled at the pleasure of her current situation. She’d never been this close to Colin. The electrifying heat of his body pressed against hers was causing her to be incoherent. She began to breathe in shallow pants, her breaths coming quickly. Unsettled by her reaction to him, she moved away from him, letting go of his hand.

Colin felt the immediate loss of the warmth radiating from Penelope’s body pressed along his front. When she dropped his hand and moved away from him, he felt the grimace on his face and heard the growl in his throat. Desperate to have Penelope near again, he grabbed her hand and turned her to face him.

“Pen…” Colin spoke her name, not knowing what else to say, but also needing to stop her retreat from him.

Penelope looked down at her hand grasped in Colin’s, realizing that her glove had slipped off. “Oh…” was all she could say. The moment felt unmistakably intimate, him holding her hand again, this time bare.

“I’m sorry.” Colin apologized when he realized he’d unintentionally removed Penelope’s satin glove. “Allow me…” He bent down and retrieved her glove from the grass, her bare hand remained cradled in his the entire time.

His expression mischievous again, as he rose to his full height. “I guess I’m to keep it as a favour now.” Colin teased Penelope. He needed to take away the self-consciousness he saw in her eyes.

“Are you going off to battle then?” Penelope teased Colin back, unable to resist his ever present charm. She could think of no other time a lady’s favour was given.

“Well, there seems to be a fight for refreshments. And as a Gentleman, I will gladly enter the fray to procure something to drink for you, Pen.” Colin folded Penelope’s glove and slipped it into his inside jacket pocket finally letting her hand go reluctantly.

Colin looked down at Penelope adoringly. He couldn’t help himself, stepping closer to her, he whispered. “Wish me luck in battle?”

Penelope knew Colin was teasing her again, but he made her breathless. “Good luck.” She smiled and then she bit her bottom lip. “Promise me that you will return it me?” She looked pointedly to his chest where her glove rested inside his pocket.

Colin could only focus on the lushness of her mouth as she bit her full bottom lip, he was beginning to feel dizzy like he was spinning… spinning out of control. “You trust me, don’t you, Penelope?”

“Of course, Colin.” Penelope didn’t recognize her own voice. The huskiness of it, she couldn’t control as Colin inched even closer to her.

Colin bent down, next to her ear and whispered. “Good girl. Stay right here for me. I’ll be back.” He leaned in close enough that he smelled her intoxicating hair once more before he pulled himself away from Penelope and then walked toward the refreshments.

As Penelope watched as Colin walked away, his tall regal form a feast for her eyes, she noticed his brother Anthony walk up to him.

Colin was taking deep breaths to regain his composure as he walked away from Penelope. He felt a hand on his arm and turned to find Anthony with a stern expression on his face. He followed Anthony’s gaze to Penelope.

“She’s so young Colin… you need to try harder to conceal your… baser interests. Stop touching her so much. Don’t forget yourself. Penelope is a proper lady.” Anthony scolded Colin.

“I was not… I did not… for you to imply…” Colin couldn’t even form a sentence in his defense as twisted as his insides felt by his brother’s insinuations.

“Imply?” Anthony continued. “I saw. Your hand on her waist, apart from dancing. Your hand in her hair. The caress of her bare hand… and this could have been in the view of half the Ton. It is a wonder her father did not come looking for her and witness these improprieties or I would be making arrangements for you to court Penelope Featherington properly!" Anthony’s eyebrows raised in admonishment. “… and not expressing interest in her distant cousin.” The distorted expression on Anthony’s face spoke to how he felt about Colin’s fleeting interest in Miss Thompson.

“It will be a miracle if this is not in Whistledown tomorrow and I am not forced to have to make an offer on your behalf myself.” Anthony continued to reprimand Colin.

“Anthony, I would never do anything to scandalize Penelope!” Colin declared passionately. He could not even conceive of hurting her that way. He found that the thought of Anthony having to make an offer for Penelope’s hand on his behalf did not scare him and that lack of apprehension caused him uncertainty.

“I know that you would not, Colin. And I am not suggesting that you are. I am saying that your feelings... unacknowledged... for Penelope are maybe getting in the way of your… sensibilities where she is concerned.” Anthony pointed out.

“My feelings… for Penelope?” Colin was so confused. Penelope was his friend. He had not meant to be improper with her in any way. But he had begun to acknowledge in his mind and body that Penelope was becoming a woman… in every way. His reactions to her may very well be putting her in danger from him.

“Yes, Colin. I have eyes. I see you clear as day. You may not be ready to admit to or are even aware of how you feel about her. You do have feelings for her, not just emotionally, but now physically as well and you need to think about what you really want long term. Penelope has… developed a lush womanly form. Her curves are tempting to you, I see. Miss Thompson may be more mature and more able to handle your… physical interests right now, where as you would have to wait a while for Penelope to be ready for that.”

“Stop! Stop right now, Anthony. Speaking about Penelope in this way is improper and I will not engage with you any further on this.” Colin found his fists were balled up and his anger, at his brother was a tangible thing in his mouth… a vileness that he could taste. Anthony’s criticism of how he had handled Penelope and even more his comments on how her body had developed the curves of a woman, the kind of woman that Colin realized he was irresistibly drawn to, would be his undoing.

“See, you did not even mention Miss Thompson. Your irascible temper with regard to any perceived slight of Penelope…” Anthony spoke to Colin’s unexpressed feelings for Penelope, again. “All of that emotion… that is about Penelope Featherington.”

Colin clenched his jaw tightly and rolled his eyes at the truth of his brother’s perceptions. He balled his fists against his side as well.

“I am not telling you what to do, so do not look at me like that. I am merely pointing out that if you keep carrying on like this over Penelope and you keep finding yourself behaving in the manner in which you have tonight, you will not be in a position to make a decision. It will have been made for you. Does she not deserve for you to truly choose her? And loathe that I am of a match between you and Miss Thompson, I do not want you to have to contend with hurting her either.”

Colin took a deep breath before addressing his brother again. “Penelope is dear to me… so dear that I - I treasure her and our friendship. I would never hurt her intentionally, brother. That is all I’m willing to say on the matter. I do not wish to discuss Penelope with you any further here like she is the topic of some common gossip. I shall escort her back to her father, after the fireworks are over. Colin declared and then walked off, feeling immensely frustrated.

“See that you do, Colin.” Anthony called after him as Colin disappeared.

Colin turned from the refreshment table and spotted Penelope immediately again. His eyes seeking her siren hair. She had remained just as he had asked her to. A good girl for him she was indeed.

When Colin finally returned to her with refreshments, Penelope’s bright expectant blue eyes found his troubled ones.

“Is everything ok, Colin?” Penelope asked softly. “I saw you speaking with your brother…”

Colin smiled at her slightly as she drank her lemonade. He could not help it. She was so sweet, the most kind-hearted person he had ever known aside from his mother. Her concern mollified him. His anxiousness over his conversation with Anthony slipped away easily in her presence.

“Penelope, your dress is lovely tonight. I wanted to tell you that before Cressida showed up.” Colin could not help it, even after being cautioned by Anthony of being improper with her, he inched closer to her and took her bare hand in his again.

“Thank you, Colin.” Penelope sighed. The warmth of his hand surrounding hers made her breathless again. It felt almost as if Colin did not realize what he was doing.

“May I ask, how it came to be this rather fetching shade of pink and not yellow?” Colin teased her again. His eyes sparkling at her. They now looked the exact opposite of when he arrived with their drinks.

“Well, I was allowed to choose the color for myself, rather than mamá.” Penelope admitted. Her cheeks brightened to a beautiful shade of pink.

“You did well, Pen. It looks exquisite against your sun-fire hair and makes your porcelain skin look like the finest silk…” Colin looked down at her feeling inebriated, his voice betraying his ardor. His stomach flipped when he noticed her licking her pink lips before she spoke his name on a melodic sigh, again.

“Colin…” Penelope couldn’t believe he had actually described her that way… passionately… his voice filled with longing.

Colin raised Penelope’s hand to his lips, just as the music started for the next dance. He kissed the back of her fingers of her bare hand and Penelope was startled at the softness of his lips on her. She did not know what to say… She could not form words. All the breath had left her.

“One more dance, Pen? Before the night is over.” Colin requested. His eyes never leaving hers and her hand securely grasped in his. He didn’t have an excuse for his continued behavior with her and he found he didn’t care to continue to contemplate.

“I’ve never danced this one… in public.” Penelope admitted. She was so unnerved by Colin’s continued attention she would have agreed to anything at that point.

Colin smiled down at her, playfully. “Do you trust me, Pen?”

“Of course, Colin.” She assured him again on a sigh. “But this one is… what if I miss a step?” She was doubting herself and her ability to actually move after Colin’s kiss on her fingers.

“Penelope Featherington, you are an amazing dancer. You will be fine. He pulled her closer to the dance floor, but waited for her acquiescence. Colin looked her over as if he couldn’t bear for her to refuse him. "Please do me the honor?”

“Yes, Colin.” She smiled brightly at him. Her smile more luminescent than the globes of artificial light, her eyes sparkled more than the fireworks display. She even rivaled the stars that night as he spun her around and around on the dance floor.

It was a beautiful night indeed.

#Colin Bridgerton #Penelope Featherington #Bridgerton TV Show #romancing mister bridgerton #colin x penelope #Colin Bridgerton X Penelope Featherington #bridgerton fanfiction #bridgerton fandom #bridgerton netflix #polin #polin fanfiction #polin fic #polinweek #Colin and Penelope fanfiction #Colin x Penelope Fanfiction #Fanfiction #fanfic #Polin fanfic #Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington fanfiction #This was for polin week but I didn't get to post it #polinweek2021 #bridgerton fic

[yarichin-imagines]

can u do something with agere, idm what pairing or anything

BII BII BII AGERE IS MY COPING MECHANISMMMMM

PLS SEND MORE AGERE ASKS IF YOU WANT ID LOVE TO TAKE EM—

Also totally not me going all out to write what they’d all be like as caregivers and littles!

This is non-sexual age regression just to be clear!

(For those who are not sure what agere is, agere/age regression is a coping mechanism for stress/trauma/sometimes just for fun. It’s when someone mentally regresses to a younger state of mind and thinks and acts like a kid or baby. These people often want a caregiver around, and can be found doing things like watching kids shows, cuddling with stuffed animals, or using a pacifier. It’s a totally valid method of stress relief and I myself am a bit of an expert on it, since i use agere as a coping mechanism myself!)

Toono

Little:

Toono is pretty playful when he’s little

He has a big imagination! Always talking about seeing a dinosaur that breathes fire down the street!

Toono loves dinosaurs, by the way

He can be a little energetic too, squirming around happily as he babbles on about whatever his mind can think up.

Little Toono wants to make his caregiver proud, always trying to color pictures neatly within the lines for them!

Though, of course, the occasional act of bravery might lead to a scraped knee that needs to be taken care of, along with a sniffly Toono

Caregiver:

Toono is a bit of a mess as a caregiver

Childcare? Never heard of em.

He doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, but he tries his best

He tries mostly to keep his kid out of danger and not crying.

He likes playing LEGO’s with his little, that’s like the bonding activity with him

Kashima

Kashima is a sweet little kid.

He shares everything and always asks others if they want to play with him

He loves exploring, which often would lead to him and Toono running around looking for dinosaurs in the park

As sweet as this kid is, he can be a walking hazard to himself.

“Hey, (caregiver nickname)! Watch me jump off this rock!”

Though, adorably, once he is done playing, he’s exhausted and falls asleep in your arms

Caregiver:

This man has caregiver written all over him

He always says he’s proud of his little and makes sure they know he loves them

He does the typical father-child activities, like throwing a baseball or teaching a kid how to do outdoorsy things

If the kid fails, Kashima gives them the ‘good job, buddy, you tried so hard and I’m proud of you’ talk

Kashima! Loves! Picking! Littles! Up!

He can cradle you like no other, his body is like a little’s dream in a cuddling sense. He can put your head on his big strong chest so you can hear his heartbeat as you drift off

Yacchan

Little:

Little Yacchan regresses to the way he was before school

Aka, a little shit

He can be a bit aggressive towards other littles, which gets him in timeout a lot

Little Yacchan requires a lot of attention. His caregiver needs to only be focused on him. Otherwise, he feels unloved and upset.

Little Yacchan has a pout like no other

Yacchan will often regress for stress relief or comfort, so it really is best to keep an eye on him and to not leave him alone.

He can be a little show off-y, wanting to one-up the other littles around him. Someone drew a picture? His is better. Stuff like that.

Yacchan’s caregiver will need to have a lot of manners talks with him.

Caregiver:

Save any soul that messes with papa Yacchan

Breathe in the direction of his little and he launches off at you

He is a very protective papa bear

One would think he is very “haha my little is better than you” but he isn’t. He wants to avoid his little feeling like he’s a point of comparison like he was.

He comes off a lot as ‘look at my son and you will love him’

Yacchan’s favorite nicknames are ‘bud, kid, kiddo’, fatherly ones like that

He likes to scoop a little up and make them fly around

Yuri

Little:

Little Yuri will often go into baby space

He is almost always nonverbal

He really is a baby, needing everything to be done for him.

He drools. A lot.

His babbling is basically just the same as what he always does.

He loves snuggly clothes

Sugary flavored milk or juice is his favorite

Caregiver:

As I’ve said before, I don’t think Yuri should be trusted to take care of children. Mentally children or physically children, either way.

He would babble right back to them

He is surprisingly good at cuddling

He knows how to get a little’s energy out. Other caregivers would drop their littles off at Yuri’s just to get them to be sleepy for the night

Yuri somehow manages to filter out the dirty talk while he is taking care of a little. Somehow.

Tamura

Little:

Little Tamura is around a toddler age

He can be a lot to handle at times

Still, he will make arts and crafts for his caregiver as a ‘Thanks for putting up with me’ sorta thing

He loves action packed kids shows, and tries to emulate them

You had to comfort him through a few ‘ninja training’ mishaps

Caregiver:

Like Yacchan, he is a protective parent

He uses nicknames like ‘bud/kid’ a lot

It takes some time to get him to filter himself around a little, but he works on it

Once he gets it down, he is like the swear police with his little

“He was being such a” covers littles ears “little shit”

He likes outdoorsy activities, showing different types of bugs to his little.

Jimmy

Little:

A stress regressor

He cries

A lot

He NEEDS constant attention and physical contact

Hold him on your hip and keep him close because if you don’t, the tears will start.

He likes bonding with his caregiver, doing little activities

Caregiver:

Still a bit of a mess

What does he do? What? How?

If the kid cries, so will he

He often falls asleep with his little next to him

He always speaks in a very soft voice with his little.

He gives little nuzzles with the nose :3

Shikatani

Little:

Little Shika can be fussy, and a bit of a handful

Still, he is the only little that cleans up after himself

You need to have a routine. Cannot stress that enough.

You gotta spend a specific amount of time feeding him, bath time can’t be more or less than a certain amount of time, etc

And don’t you dare forget a bedtime story

Regardless, Shika feels bad in the back of his mind

So he shows a lot of affection towards his caregiver

Caregiver:

Everything needs to be cleaned

He has, like, fifty of those bottle cleaners and is constantly boiling things

Shika is not the touchiest caregiver. Especially given how kids are messy and all.

Shika is the best at bedtime stories, though

He has a number of times fallen asleep next to his little, either looking all graceful or smushed up against his glasses after a long day

He likes to play dress up with his little in pretty dresses and skirts!

Akemi

Little:

Little Akemi can be a bit of a brat

He wants to be a prince really bad

Until he gets too bratty and you tell him about how bratty princes get turned into frogs

Then he’s just terrified and trying to figure out the logistics of that in his little mind.

He likes pretty colors and shiny things

He totally watches all the Princess movies

Caregiver:

Akemi is actually a surprisingly good caregiver

He is good at being in positions where he is the boss.

He isn’t quite used to having a filter on the things he says around his little, so his little might end up parroting some less than family friendly things without knowing. Akemi would probably be like ‘that’s my baby’ as a joke but then teach them that’s bad

Akemi knows all the best recipes for good little snacks.

He makes little cookies and milk with vanilla and honey!

He can also tend to spoil his little a bit too

Itome

Little:

And the award for most likely to be a little goes to...

The softest baby. You could ever imagine.

Itome goes nonverbal in his little space

He regresses to a pretty young age, wobbling if he has to walk places.

He often likes to curl up in his huge sweaters

That being said, you really need to make sure he feels loved when he’s in little space

If you aren’t there to cuddle him, he will start crying.

However, all you gotta do is rock him, hold him tight, and reassure him you won’t leave, and he’s instantly off to sleep.

Little Itome loves Naps. He is a sleepy little baby

When not sleeping, he’s coloring pretty pictures if you with hearts all over it! When he’s done he’ll stumble up to you and hold it out with a hopeful look in his eyes

Caregiver:

A very snuggly caregiver

His favorite time is right before bedtime/nap time where he feeds his little some milk and just slowly watches them fall asleep as he very softly tells them a bedtime story

Itome loves playing pretend with his little! He could sit on the carpet with you and have millions of stuffed animal tea parties!

He wears only the softest clothes for premium cuddle material

He uses the softest nicknames like “sweetheart, darling” etc.

If something upsets you, he’ll stoop you up with a sympathetic coo and get you some fresh air. Maybe you two can find some pretty flowers that he’ll put in his and your hair!

#yarichin b club #yarichin b club imagines #yarichin b bu #yui tamura #itsuki shikatani #koshiro itome #yuri ayato #keiichi akemi #kyousuke yaguchi #takashi toono #kashima yuu #tooru fujisaki

[weasleylangs]

in the summer sun - f.w

Pairing: Fred x Fem!Reader but honestly it’s just a whole Weasley family slice of life fic. Summary: The war has ended and the Weasley’s appreciate their family now more than ever. Warnings: Mention of the war, mention of Fred having a near death experience, mention of PTSD, anxiety, nightmares and injuries, opening scene involves an anxiety attack, fuck is said twice by the way. Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: This fic is inspired by this ask I received from Kai @weasleyclaw for the ‘send me a made up title game’! The warnings sound scary, but I promise this is a super fluffy slice-of-life fic with Fred and the reader, just existing after the war! Fred lives, obviously but he still had an accident and in reality, he’d be going through a lot of shit and I didn’t want to ignore that!

I am in no way romanticising mental illness and trauma, I myself struggle with a variety of mental illness and trauma and representation is super important, babey!!!!!! Proper support is important!!!!!!

I still can’t decide if I love or hate this but.... [schedules while I’m asleep]

----------------------

Fred sat up quickly. Heavy and ragged breathing coursing through his lungs as he struggled to catch his breath. He couldn’t even remember what he was dreaming of now that he’s awake, only remembering flashes of green and a loud ‘bombarda maxima’ before being shocked awake by his anxiety and fear.

He’s been plagued by nightmares for three months, ever since he was fighting in that seventh floor corridor and the wall came crashing down on him. He knows it’s normal to be haunted by these memories, he almost died, for crying out loud, but he would really like to have one night where he sleeps through it without being jolted awake. 

He could feel the pressure in his chest get stronger as he struggled to breathe as he checked the clock on the bedside table. It reads 6:30am and when he looks out the window he realises the sun is already rising and the summer heat is making it into their bedroom. His girlfriend of five years sleeps in the bed next to him, snoring lightly having not been woken up by his oncoming anxiety attack.

Fred struggles to remember the grounding technique she taught him when he had his first attack. She’s his biggest supporter, always there when he needs her, but he wants to get better himself . He doesn't want to rely on her for the rest of his days no matter how often she reminds him it’s okay and that she wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.

He’s got his legs swung over the side of the bed, his body closing in on himself when he feels the bed move and arms wrap around his middle, “Breathe, Freddie, and tell me five things you can see,” she whispers gently in his ear.

His eyes darts around the room, searching as he tries his best to breathe, “The tree outside our window, the lamp, that chair,” he struggles to speak as his breathing is laboured, “your book on my bedside table, my slippers…”

“Good job, my love. Now, four things you can touch.”

His hands grab hers, “Your hands,” he says as he turns to face her, “the duvet, my shirt and…” His hand moves, from her hand to cupping her face, “your hair.” 

This continues, Fred rattling off three things he can hear, two things he can smell and one thing he can taste before he realises his breathing has slowed down, his hands have stopped shaking and while the pressure in his chest is still there, it’s been alleviated and he knows it’ll disappear in a few moments. 

Y/N whispers soft praise in Fred’s ear as she lays him back down in their bed. She’s so proud of the progress he has made in just a short few months. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

He shakes his head, while he barely remembers, he knows it’s the same nightmare as usual. Hogwarts, duelling, wall comes crashing down and Fred almost dies. It’s more of a flashback if anything, that he’s constantly reliving the worst day of his life.

“That’s okay, we can just lay here and rest before we go to your mum and dad’s… If you still feel up to going?” Y/N knows when nights like this happen, Fred usually wants to stay in bed and recoup his energy and try again the next day. 

“No, no, we have to go,” he says and it’s not because it’s an obligation, he truly does want to. After almost dying, after spending almost a year without knowing if Ron, Harry and Hermione were okay, after Bellatrix Lestrange threatened to kill both Ginny and his own mother and with Percy reconnecting with them all, he appreciates family time like he never did before. They all deserve to have happy, carefree and relaxing days and that’s what today is meant to be for them all.

“If you’re sure, my love,” she whispers, pressing a soft kiss to his neck. Fred probably won't fall back asleep, the sun has risen and while he won’t admit it, he’s too scared to try and sleep again. But he doesn’t mind, he’s perfectly content having Y/N fall back asleep in his arms and sometimes, rarely but sometimes, her soft snores lulls Fred into a light, undisturbed sleep.

-

It’s lunch time by the time Fred and Y/N apparate to The Burrow. Fred’s still recovering physically from his injuries - having your entire body crushed by rubble does that to you, so he happily side-along apparates with Y/N instead of solo floo’ing places. 

When they walk into the house, they’re met with a chorus of hello’s and Molly dragging Fred into a hug and kisses his cheeks repeatedly, and then continues to complain that he has no meat on his bones and that he needs to be eating more while shoving a muffin into his hand. 

George is snickering by the table because someone who isn’t himself is finally being on the receiving end of his mothers affection and he has Angelina Johnson awkwardly beside him. When Y/N raises her eyebrows at him, he mouths a ‘I’ll explain later’ before winking and walking Angelina over to her. 

“Hey, Angie,” she says, pulling the girl into a hug. While they were never close at school, considering Y/N wasn’t a Gryffindor, they still got along when the time arose, “didn’t know my little Georgie here got himself a bird.” 

George groans at the fact Y/N completely ignored him and Angelina blushes as she tries to hide her face behind her hair, but Y/N can see that she’s smiling and not at all bothered by the teasing, “Hey, I’m only teasing, come here!” she says as she pulls the embarrassed girl into a tight embrace. While Y/N drops the subject of Angelina and George finally getting their lives together and dating after years of pining, George knows Y/N is going to corner him later and get the answers out of him.

Hermione and Ginny quickly run down the stairs and grab Y/N, pulling her into a hug as well. Soon enough, the entire family is trying to squeeze inside the living room - including Bill and Fleur who always turn up for the Weasley get together and even Charlie has taken extended leave from his job in Romania to stay and spend the summer with everyone. 

Because of the overcrowding, Ron whistles loudly, grabbing everyone’s attention, “Who wants to play a game of quidditch and let mum have some peace and quiet?” Immediately Harry, the twins, Angelina and Charlie are out the door, already fighting about teams and position. Y/N briefly hears Harry whine ‘I want to be on Charlie’s team but he plays seeker’ as their voices fade. Ginny stays back, wanting to catch up with Y/N for a bit and promises to join everyone later.

Fred loves nothing more than spending time with his siblings. Growing up as a twin, he’s had someone constantly by his side, but he loves his huge family more than anything. George and he spend 5 minutes fighting over who gets to be beater until they just decide they’ll just be on different teams before they realise they don’t have enough siblings for a full team anyway, meaning the beaters are out of the equation.

This causes the twins to just start jokingly fighting over who plays chaser before Ron and Harry has to break it up so they can actually play. 

Fred adores flying. His hair has been growing out and the wind through it as he flies is one of the best feelings in the world, he thinks. It makes him forget all his worries, his only focus is snatching the quaffle out of George’s slimy grip and getting it past Charlie, who’s playing both keeper and seeker for the other team to make up for the lack of players.

“Oi, Ickle Ronnikins,” he calls out from his broom, wobbling slightly as he yells to get his brother’s attention, “mind paying attention to the match and not your girlfriend? George is getting every shot in, mate,” He’s teasing of course. They can see the girls through the window and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t sneaking glances at Y/N.

Meanwhile, the three girls sit at the kitchen table chatting amongst themselves and Bill and Fleur are outside in the garden when Percy and his girlfriend turn up. There’s tension in the air, there always is when Percy turns up. It’s not that no one wants him there, but given his history of being a ‘right prat’ (Fred’s words), everyone is cautious. 

But he goes right up to Molly, pulling her into an embrace and kissing her on the cheek and then turns to his dad and gives him a hug. 

“Hey Gin, Y/N, Hermione,” he gives them a curt nod as they say hello back before pulling the girl beside him closer, “this is Audrey, my girlfriend. Do you guys mind hanging with her while I go find the boys?"

The girls, of course, nod. “How long have you and Percy been together for?” Y/N asks as the girl sits and she hopes she isn’t coming off rude. She’s been with Fred for five years and never met Audrey and Hermione’s been in the Weasley’s lives for even longer, so it’s clearly a recent development. 

“Around this time last year… With everything going on and Percy not being on speaking terms with everyone, we haven’t really had the chance to meet…” she trails off and Y/N senses the awkward tension rising, so she grabs Audrey’s hand in a reassuring matter.

“Don’t stress about that. You’re here now and you’re family,” while Y/N isn’t officially a Weasley, her and Fred have spoken about their future together on numerous occasions so she doesn’t feel like she’s speaking out of turn offering ‘Weasley Family Status’ to Audrey, “I’m Y/N, Fred’s girlfriend.” 

“And I’m Hermione, Ron’s girlfriend,” Hermione adds and before Ginny even speaks, Y/N interrupts her, “You’re obviously a Weasley, Gin,” and the girls all start giggling.

“I’m Ginny, Harry’s girlfriend!” she exclaims proudly when all the girls finally calm down and it only sets them off again.

What the girls don’t notice is that Molly’s watching them, with a smile on her face. She’s always wanted daughters - she loves Ginny and she loves every single one of her sons, but she wishes she had been able to give her a sister. But watching the scene unfold in front of her, how these girls welcome Audrey so easily into their lives, Molly’s eyes well with tears as she realises she has the most wonderful daughter and future daughter-in-laws a woman could ask for. 

“How’s Fred doing?” Ginny asks. Of course, everyone’s suffered from the war, but everyone is constantly concerned about Fred. 

“Between seeing his psychologist and his physical therapy appointments, he’s doing really good,” she says, looking out the window and she laughs as she sees Fred holding Ron in a headlock, shouting something about how rusty he is at keeper, “there’s days it’s hard, and he has really bad nightmares sometimes, and there's days where they make him not want to leave the house but he had one this morning and was determined to get here today. I’m really proud of him.” 

Molly rubs Y/N on the shoulders, almost like a thank you for being there for Fred through it all as she places muffins in front of all the girls and takes her own seat. She takes a moment to scold Arthur for trying to repair the muggle radio playing he’s stolen from work before joining in on the girls’ conversation as they eat. 

The sweet moment is interrupted by a voice that is clearly Percy’s shouting and both Y/N and Audrey’s automatic assumption is that the worst has happened. Especially when Y/N hears the familiar voice of her boyfriend shouting incoherently. 

All the girls rush out the door, expecting to break up a fight but that isn’t what’s happening. Instead, Fred has Percy on the ground, rolling around in dirt and they’re both laughing . Molly has to excuse herself, tears welling in her eyes at the sight of Percy being accepted by his brother. 

“What’s going on here?” Audrey questions. It’s clear she’s still weary, worried that at a moment's notice, Percy’s siblings will turn on him and forget his apology. Fred looks up, winking at Y/N before looking at Audrey and flashes her a cheeky smirk, “Perce said I suck at quidditch.” 

Everyone rolls their eyes at this as Y/N grabs Fred’s hand and pulls him up. She lives with him, so one would think that the time spent apart at The Burrow is no big deal, but secretly Y/N has always been super clingy, wanting to always have Fred in her sights, and it's only worsened now they live together.

“Hi Freddie,” she giggles, tucking herself close to his side despite the summer heat blasting down on them, “I miss you.” she whispers.

Fred lets out a cackle of a laugh, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and leading her to the tree they always sit under as he tells Ginny to take his spot on their makeshift quidditch team. Secretly, he was hoping to get away from the game because he needs a break and maybe an attempted nap under the tree. 

He settles down first, stretching his legs out as he leans against the trunk and then he pulls Y/N down to sit between them and to rest her back against his chest. This has always been their favourite way to cuddle.

“What’s the go with George and Angie? I knew they were going on dates but...” Fred asks, and Y/N shrugs. “He just said he’d fill me in later so I’m still waiting. But she’s at family day, so it must be getting serious.” Fred hums behind her, resting his chin on top of his head as he watches his family on the makeshift field in front of them fight over quidditch rules. George is trying to teach Percy fake rules and Ginny’s smacking him over the head as he laughs at the confused expression on Percy’s face. 

To their right, Arthur’s got the radio working and he’s charmed it to blast 80s muggle music loudly for the entire family to hear. Bill’s dragged Fleur to dance around with him and Arthur’s trying to get Molly to join them. Charlie’s sitting with Audrey and Hermione, probably droning on about dragons as usual and the girls listen intently, gasping when appropriate. 

“What are you thinking about?” Y/N asks. Fred is never this quiet, usually speaking every single thought that comes to his mind without any sort of filter. It’s gotten him in trouble a fair few times, from both his mother and Y/N. 

“I’m just happy,” he says quietly, tucking his head into her neck, and Y/N doesn’t miss the crack in his voice, “I’m so happy I’m here with everyone.” She shuffles in her spot so she can sit and face Fred and he can’t meet her eyes because his own are welling with tears.

“Don’t hide, my love, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” she coos as she cups his cheeks in her hands. He leans into her touch and smiles as he sniffles. 

“I know, it’s just…” He trails off and Y/N knows what he’s going to say. He almost wasn’t here and that thought haunts the both of them more often than they’d like to admit. “I know, but that doesn’t matter, because you’re here , and I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am you are,” she whispers, pressing a kiss to his cheeks.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you,” he says and Y/N’s heart swells. Marriage and lots of ginger babies has always been in their life plan, but hearing Fred say it, so, so vulnerably, almost brings her to tears. “Forever, Freddie, you promised,” she replies and he leans forward and presses a soft kiss on her lips. 

He’s always promised. He promised forever when they were 16 and they’d only been together for a year as they danced at the Yule Ball until 12am. At 17, when he admitted he wouldn’t be finish the school year. He promised once again at 18, before he flew out of Hogwarts with George. At 19, straight after George had his ear cursed off and he was sick with fear because the war was real and happening.

At 20, they were fighting in their school and he’d promised, ‘We're surviving this fucking thing and I’m marrying you as soon as I can.’ 

They pull apart and Y/N is smiling at him, adoration filled in her eyes as Fred feels around in his shorts, clearly trying to grab something. When he pulls it out, Y/N’s eyes catch the small, velvet black box and while she doesn’t want to get her hopes up, her heart is racing.

“I’ve been carrying this everyday, waiting for the perfect time,” he chuckles, shaking his head. You’d think Fred Weasley would have a huge and bizarre proposal, most likely with fireworks and dancing gnomes somehow, but in reality, this is perfect. He’s surrounded by his loved ones, there’s no war and he wants nothing more than to officially make Y/N a Weasley. 

“Is that now, Freddie?” she says and he nods, smiling. Y/N thinks he’s never looked happier in his life. He knows what her answer will be so he doesn’t feel the slightest bit nervous.

“I promised you, we're surviving the war and I’m fucking marrying you as soon as I can, so here I am,” he pops the box open and Y/N gasps. It’s nothing extravagant but she doesn’t mind. Small and classy, just like she’d always wanted and she doesn’t even realise she’s crying until Fred’s hand wipes her tears with his free hand, “Will you marry me?” 

She barely gives an answer, nodding her head violently as she wraps her arms around his neck and presses her lips to his. Their teeth clash and they both laugh at Fred not being prepared to be jumped before getting a verbal response. Y/N pulls away and puts out her left hand, “Of course I’ll marry you.” 

He slides the ring on her finger and it’s a perfect fit. They continue to sit in front of the tree, watching their family but Y/N constantly catches herself looking at the diamond ring sparkling in the sun and she’s decided she’s never been happier as well.

Everything is perfect, because it’s the calm after a very, very long storm and she’s never taking family for granted again.

#fred wealsey fanfiction #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley one shot #fred weasley

[dreambigdreamz]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)✨💝

Thank you, qween <3

1. My optimism. Call it what you will, optimism or ignorance. But when I'm stuck in a demanding situation, I usually don't freak out or panic. Sure, I'll probably be quieter than usual and just fret about it silently on the inside depending on the size of the problem but I most likely will try to forget it until I'm mentally prepared to tackle it. I think it's at least better than worrying constantly worried over everything that goes wrong in life. I'm also happy that I've began to show that optimism too, when my mother was being uncertain about us having to use solar panels instead of electricity. I told her, "Don't worry, mom. The thing with our family is, whenever we get into some trouble, I have recognized a pattern that we almost always end up better than previous circumstances anyways." Which was true, and it made me so happy that she is still quoting that to others (yes, she likes to show me off 🤧)

2. My willingness. Connecting with the previous point, I always want to give my best every time I do something. If I can't, then I mostly end up despairing over the failure, and sometimes even lose will to keep on trying. Of late, I have come to understand failing once doesn't mean your life is a failure, but failing to try again does. I think I'm just determined to prove myself to others (a thirst, if you will), especially my mom like ^^^ those little rewards of knowing I made my family proud is one of the motivations that fuels me forth to give my best. I also like giving everything a try, except those rare times I turn cowardly, because what I fear most is regret. Is that included in the seven sins? It'd probably be my fatal flaw though. Like Aslan said, "To ask what would have happened, child? No, nobody is ever told that." And what I don't know, I desire to know most. I'm basically open-minded to everything except secrecy. Or like, oblivion? Wait, no, just the fact that you know something's there but you don't know what? Yeah, I hate that feeling.

3. My love. I have an abundance for that, rest assured. Even to total strangers across the world, I have this longing to share and send the care and love all the way to them. Sure, no big deal. Almost everyone I've met online are sweet angels who are very generous with their time and kindness for others. But something I admire more is self-love. This is very rare to witness as most people don't like to express it much, for fear of coming off as a selfish, conceited person. Most probably. And in truth, there really is such a thin line between self-love and selfishness that it's almost hard to distinguish the two. But there are a few I've come across, who I heartily adore for that matter (the asker being included in that category 💞). And I also like to think the same for myself too. I would never degrade myself or could ever hate myself for how I look and sound and think. I just love everything about me so much, and appreciate that I have become a better person with each passing year. For sure, I'd still think I'm not good enough — I'm nowhere near being good enough. But here comes in my optimism and willingness to ensure I keep taking the journey with enthusiasm. Besides, ever since I was born, I have been given everything by my parents who laid their lives for me, and taught me wisely to never succumb to intimidation; be it wealth, knowledge or other. They taught me never to fully become someone's slave, but be an eager student taking lessons from those better than myself. But never, ever, think I won't be able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them. And I love that. I love the idea of being in love, I love the idea of loving another, and I love myself.

4. My image. As already said, I love how I look. I also love how I am perceived. It's taken a long way for me to be where I am right now, and I can't help but be proud of that. Many people don't consider me pretty (and I wouldn't either, except when I'm alone in my room and being crazy), but I think I look approachable. Meaning, I don't look off-putting but instead, a friendly open person. Furthermore, I am widely known at school as a hard-working student, and an outstanding one. Since I go to a prep school which is private, word spreads around quick. One of my goals in life is to one day hear from my brother, that one of his teachers asked him, "Hey, are you Snow's little brother?" I've heard my teachers ask this to a friend, and I realized what was going on. My friend has sisters who were outstanding in their own time, and are now traveling abroad to study overseas. They made themselves known in their society, and are easily associated with a good name wherever they go. That's what I would like to accomplish too, to make a name for myself and leave an image. So yeah. I love how I look. But I also love how I am perceived.

5. My thoughts. Nothing. Just that. I can't delve into detail or I might give embarrassing examples and I will never be able to live through it. But yeet.

#ask me stuff #answered #things i love #good vibes #love yourself #self love #self worth #yay i wrote something #i know this doesn't make sense #productivity #dreambigdreamz

[mymarifae]

would you like to talk about susie or berdly next? those weird. weird kids who everyone loves very much

i have another ask about berdly because i mentioned i needed to make my own au where he and noelle switch places because it seems people default to beat for beat snowgrave rewrites and i. am not convinced it would be possible with him. so anyway i will take This opportunity to talk about my wonderful daughter susie you'll see all thaaaaaat later <3

susie is my favorite dr character. she is one of my all time favorite characters Ever, actually, i think she's the best, her character development is so fucking good, it's been 1 day but the way she's grown still manages to feel natural and not rushed at all, oh my god, starts crying into my hands

she was never a bully... she never hurt anyone. she was just a lonely kid instantly judged by her peers and treated unfairly. a monster among monsters :( she had so much love in her heart, just. waiting, yknow? she wanted friends but no one gave her a chance. she latched on to the absolute bare minimum of kindness from noelle - she just gave her a pencil and smiled at her. and that Stuck with susie. yes, gay but also, that just goes to show how little kindness this kid has experienced in her life.

the second she was shown friendship she just blossomed. she repays the love she has been given in spades. im so so proud of her. she's so much happier and animated in ch2. has a goddamn FIT

i think, she suspects more than she lets on. im convinced she starts piecing together what's going on with kris after the spamton neo fight - i have no reason to believe this. kris's reaction is just very specific and is the most upset she's ever seen them. i suspect that in the flavor text for his shadow crystal, when it says "you saw susie glaring at you coldly", the 'you' there is referring to the player. not kris.

although that just may be me being insane because like if anything bad happens to her and kris's friendship i will. kill myself? i am going to Act Out. i will-

and in a snowgrave route, it won't take long for someone to realize Something has happened to berdly. susie will undoubtedly make the connection between him and cyber world very fast, and will also probably connect it to noelle's behavior and kris's sickened expression when they reunited.

alternatively: noelle told her everything while they were alone. it struck me as very interesting that susie makes the point to say "i'll tell you [what happened] later, kris." and then doesn't. maybe she knows she can't speak plainly in front of kris now

or i guess maybe they just kissed. im positive they kissed either way BUT LIKE

i wonder if we'll keep seeing her take agency in a way that prevents Our control of the story. like forcing the individual ACTs and dragging ralsei off. those probably weren't purposeful attempts to throw us off, because i think her theoretical suspicions are sparked by kris's reaction to spamton/snowgrave weirdness. she was just being susie. but, what might she do when attempting to trip up the freaky time god that may or may not be possessing kris?

susie appears to be growing more and more into the role of Hero, and i like to think that this means she'll be kris's hero, too. they are best friends. do not break my heart here toby i'll end up on national news don't test me

some stuff:

baby butch lesbian. that's it that's all i got

i can't decide between the lancer-extended family adopting her or toriel adopting her so Both. i have daily fits about the fact that there's a good chance she's homeless and doesn't have a family. so now she gets two with her two best friends (three, once i figure out how to put myself in deltarune to adopt her too)

i think she is very affectionate. she's still getting used to having friends but give her a few days. not in like a, touchy feely snugglywuggly kinda way. she just. constantly leans on all her friends. puts her head on their shoulders or rests her chin on top of their heads. lays her legs on their laps. she'll just casually lift up kris and hoist them over her shoulder for no reason. (this is part of why i hc kris as so short. easier for susie to carry them.) etc!

on that note she does really like holding hands :) she kinda just grabs people's hands bc they arent walking fast enough or something and then she forgets to let go

she gets really into baking.. cauldron baking from ralsei and normal person baking from toriel. she makes like really good desserts and then she also likes to see what will happen if she attempts to bake a mixture of chalk and playdough

another hobby i think she gets into is gardening. i have nothing to explain why i just made this up

this song reminds me of her

susie's upper body strength vs noelle's endurance. go.

(noelle wins. they go on a hike for a lovely picnic and susie is like im gonna fucking Die *wheeze* while noelle's happily trotting up the sheer face of a cliff without breaking a sweat)

actually i think she and berdly would be really funny friends so i hope that keeps up

#^^ i love susie very much. i need to. lay down #mailbox #i really do need a chatter tag for deltarune hmmhmhm

[madampianoo]

Hey guys 💖 Here's Zlatans latest FULL interview with France Football. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. This was such tasty appetiser before tomorrows main course meal match and start of his new season.

P.S. Please excuse english, it was google translated

Have you ever found your stolen Fido Dido ?

"Not. They stole it and I never saw it again. But maybe it was cosmic justice for all the bikes I stole. It's a pity, it was my favorite bike ... "

If you could find the one who stole it from you now, what would you do to it?

"I would buy him a new one and take mine back."

You devoted a lot of space to that story in your autobiography. Was it a turning point in your life to move from the role of victim to the other side?

"No. I was young and stupid. I did all sorts of things to survive. I needed a bike to ride here and there. When they stole my bike, I started stealing them from others. I did it solely for the reason that I could not afford to buy others. I know it's not a positive story ... But things like that are done to move forward in life, right? ”

What would you steal from football today if you could and give it to little Zlatan ?

"Nothing. I would just tell him to be more patient. And that his hard work will return one day. I worked hard, but I didn’t have the patience. I wanted everything now. "

How did you learn to be patient?

"It's very difficult when you're young. But when you have the experience I have now, learn what patience is. But when you are young and wild, full of various ideas and energy, when you want to discover the whole world and learn everything at once, then it is not easy to be patient. You need to be surrounded by people who have experience, who will calm you down and who will tell you the truth. "

What will be left behind Zlatan Ibrahimovic when he finishes his career?

"I do not know. Something will remain ... If something remains, it means I did a good job. Maybe some of my ideas and thoughts will remain from everything. That you should believe in yourself, that you should have your own personality and that you should not refrain from saying something you think. "

Did you make mistakes?

"I make mistakes every day. I am making a mistake now that I am talking about your newspaper. "

Maybe we're making a mistake talking to you too ...

"I'm kidding ... Mistakes are normal, we make them every day and they help us to be better people. "No one is perfect."

What are you most proud of?

"Everything I did. I come from a place where everyone condemned me and told me that something was impossible. I was constantly told that I was not good enough. And I'm still here. I stand still in my football boots. At 39 years old. And I'm proud of that. "

Could you have done more than this?

"It can always be more and better. It's a question of mentality. "

Even you?

"Every person can do better and more. In my head I always aim for the maximum and I am always convinced that I have given the maximum. Could I have done better, that can be discussed ... "    

Do you ever get tired of the attention of the public, journalists, fans, everyone's opinions?

"It's all part of my job. I didn't choose it that way. When you are as good as me, that is inevitable and must be accepted. "

How do you comment on the claims of some that you are a great player in small games?

"Everyone has the right to an opinion and to express it."

Did that bother you when you were younger?

"Not. I used it as a propellant to be as good as possible. I was motivated by such stories. I went forward and looked to never be satisfied. I received all these criticisms in such a way as to ignite the fire in my heart and to extract additional energy from them. "

What do you regret?

"It simply came to our notice then. Do you really think that I would be a better football player if I won all the trophies? "

Not. Even the Brazilian Ronaldo did not win everything ...

"Exactly. Of course, it would be wonderful if I won everything. But that doesn't make me a weaker or better footballer. I like guys who say to me: 'Zlatan, you didn't win the World Cup, you're not a good player'. Okay ... But it's easier to win the World Cup when you're French than when you're Swedish. Let's go back to the Champions League. The longer you wait for it, the sweeter it is. I still have a goal to win it. I won everything but her in club football. But I won't quack even if I don't win it because I've already done a lot more than most footballers. I'm a happy man. "

You didn't even win the Golden Ball. Does Zlatan miss the Golden Ball or does the Golden Ball miss Zlatan ?

"I think they miss me there on that list of conquerors."

You finished in fourth place in terms of the number of votes in 2013, and that is your best ranking. Is it weird that you didn't win it?

"You see, every player wants a trophy that tells him he is the best in the world. Deep down, I think I'm the best in the world. It would be prestigious if I won it, but it is the voters who decide. You journalists are voting and you know why I didn't win it! Ha-ha-ha ... ”

Well, it's not just us from France, there are also journalists from all over the world ...

"A-ha-ha!"

Messi and Ronaldo have won it several times. What do they have that you don't have?

"If you talk about essential qualities, I have nothing less than them. If you look at the trophies, I didn't win the Champions League like them ... But I really don't know how you measure and calculate that. Nor am I obsessed with it. You see, when you do good collective things, then individual rewards are a consequence of that. An individual cannot be good if the collective is weak. "

Where do you see yourself in the history of football? If there was a table, where would you put yourself?

"What do you want me to answer you?"

Who would be next to you on that table?

"It is not relevant to compare players from different eras. Everyone played in their generation, with different teammates. These are difficult things to compare. Everyone has their own story, and mine is full of problems. "

Does your personality set you apart in the world of football?

"I am just what I am. People try hard to be ideal to others. I always say ‘Be what you are and that is perfection’. I will not change because of success. For no reason will I change. Whatever happens, I will be what I am. I just want to play my game and have my team win. The rest will come of its own accord. I didn't choose to be famous. It's just a consequence of the work I do. "

We thought about jumping out of the pattern and what you're doing on the field.

"But it's all connected to the field. People talk a lot off the field today. But if you're not good on the field, and you talk a lot, then you're just a clown. "

Are there many clowns in the world of football?

"As much as you want ... A bunch!"

You consider yourself ideal in your head because you are what you are. How do you know this is right?

"I don't want to be perfect to someone else by force and talk about how I don't make mistakes. Maybe all this is a mistake. But I will remain what I am. I don't want you to send me questions before the interview, I don't want to know what you're going to ask me, I don't care. Readers will judge us whether the interview is good or not. "

When you left Paris Saint-Germain, you said, 'I came like a lion, I leave like a king . ' Do you really care so much about being remembered?

"I wrote my story in Paris and left my motto. Now let someone else write it and leave your motto. I don’t try to make people remember me by what I say. He will remember me on the field and what I did there. "

Are you arrogant or pretentious?

"I'm just a man full of confidence."

Does it matter to you that they recognize you as special?

"I am not special. I am a normal guy and a professional. I don’t want to share my whole life with the rest of the world. I'm not an instagram clown who wakes up in the morning and thinks what is the most beautiful photo for him to post. I share my professional challenges with the rest of the world. Privacy must exist. I don't want to share it either. But I want to share some parts of my professional life because it's part of my job. "

Do you deliberately block the fragility and insecurity from your childhood with your behavior, when the fierce guys in your Rosengard called you "lukewarm"?

"No. And I have a part of the personality that is fragile. I have emotions and weaknesses. There are things that hurt me. It's all natural. I'm not the Hulk, I'm not Superman, nor have I ever wanted to play them. I had difficult moments that hardened me, but I stepped forward. Today, I am no longer a guy of 20 or 25, but a family man with two children. I think differently, but my character has remained the same. "

Are you still a fierce guy at 40?

"People, is it possible that you still consider me a football gangster?" I know you had that title and some picture ... I'm no gangster. Of course I'm still a strong guy. I am almost two meters tall and I train hard and work on myself every day. I'm not someone who lies on the beach and shows muscles. I was born like this and I try to adapt the game to my constitution. I'm not as fast as I was at the age of 25, but now I have some other qualities. "

Does that mean you're a good guy?

"Yes I am. When you meet me, you will see how much heart I have. When they don't know me, people hate me. "

Do you want to be loved by everyone?

"No. I just want to be respected when I do something good. In fact, what is the love of all? There can be no love from someone I don't even know. Love is something reserved for those closest to you. Take Inter fans for example. When I was with them, they loved me. Now they hate me. This means that love has never been as real as with loved ones. Love cannot arise and disappear so quickly. I'm not one of those guys who will organize humanitarian actions just for someone to tell them: 'Wow, he's a good guy!'. It's a 'fake'. I'm going to do something because I want to do it. And not because someone would like me. I do it with my heart, some do it with my brain. If I send money to hospitals, it doesn't have to be known. I'm doing this because they really need that money with this damn crown. And I will not brag publicly. "

Is that one of the worst things in football today?

"It's simply part of football. People want to have perfect images. But in the end, they will meet reality. Everything will be known. Look at Tiger Woods. It seemed to be the most perfect character in the world ... People, just be what you are and don't try to be someone else. Don’t manipulate because it will all come back to you. No filters! ”

When you learned the Swedish national anthem, did you do it from the heart, not to be loved in your own country?

"When I was little, I didn't feel like a Swede. My parents are from Bosnia and Croatia. They influenced me to feel different, to look at me differently, to judge me differently and to treat me differently. That's why I didn't feel 100 percent Swedish. But today I am 100 percent Swedish. Even in France today, many talk about some old France and old times. The world today is full of various mixes and contrasts. And it doesn’t mean you’re not 100 percent Swedish or French if you accept that world. When you are young, you do not understand some things. It is mentally difficult when you are treated differently as a child. People think that it will pass quickly, and they do not know that the consequences remain for years. I was always in favor of getting the strongest blow at once because the pain lasts less than being constantly harassed with small and vile blows. Constant harassment leaves longer traumas. But those people who are harassing do not know that they are backward and live in the old world while we pass in front of them with the new world. It is a world of open minds in which I am Swedish and in which my children are Swedes. "

Do you still think differently from LeBron James, with whom you used to be friends?

"I do not want to enter politics because it divides people. Football unites people. I was lucky to meet people I would never have met without football. From all over the world. "Sport and politics are two different worlds and I am glad to be in the former."

But it happens that you express an attitude that has to do with politics.

"We athletes spread love and joy. I'm good at it and I know how to do it. You will not bring politics into my world. "

What are your fears and anxieties?

"With this corona situation, the world has changed completely. The situation is improving a bit, but ... The other day I went out to a restaurant with my family. It was weird. Then cam video audience in stadiums. And that was weird to me. I got used to it and I only wanted one thing: To go home ?! I'm used to the house, the masks ... It won't be easy to come back mentally. I hope that everything will be the same as before, but I am afraid that this will leave consequences on people. "

When you became a parent, did your children bring fears?

"There is no room for fear when we talk about children. We can talk about weaknesses. When you have children, they become your weakness. Then your life is no longer in your hands but in theirs. They become the most important ... Guys, we missed the interview date! I won't give you any more! I'm too expensive to tell you so much, ha-ha-ha ... "

How expensive are you?

"A lot ... Ask PSG!"

Can I have another five, ten minutes?

"Come on."

We would like to ask you about retirement. Are you afraid to stop playing football?

"A little bit. It is difficult for every football player when he has to retire. You have been programmed throughout your career. It is known when you get up, have breakfast, train, have lunch, rest, have dinner ... Someone else takes care of everything, it's just yours to press the 'repeat' button every day. The first day you wake up at the end of your playing career, you ask yourself, 'What the hell am I going to do today?' You are no longer programmed and you do not know what to do. That scares me a little. But what should I do? Luckily, I don’t think about it yet. I'm not for retirement. "

We in France call it the ‘little death’.

"That's it! Absolutely! After a lot depends on what kind of person you are. How will you cope and how will you fight. It's not easy".

But isn't that some kind of relief? You can eat and drink whatever you want

"After my playing career, I want to disappear. When you are in this world like me for so long and you know what you have been through physically and mentally, you just need to disappear and enjoy life

#ibrahimovic #ac milan #zlatan ibrahimovic

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I think the one thing I like about learning about my disabilities is how I can help others. MA has stomach problems too, probably IBS as well, as well as an intolerance of some kind of icing used (I forget what it specifically is, but they know what I'm talking about.) I not only helped them see they had an intolerance to that and know to avoid it on cupcakes and cakes, but I've also given them some safe foods that work for me and help them with certain triggers. As well as helping them know other coping mechanisms.

Like my friend is like me and has a neglectful dad and so they don't know too much about their own health, mental or physical. I'm a bit more experienced in that regard and have more information stored and I'm constantly learning from the disability community as well as having friends with disabilities too. I've helped her to see her personality and mental disorders as well as help her with her physical stuff.

My friend is 20 and she didn't even know about PMS. But I can't talk, my friends had to tell me what a pap smear was so- neglected kids things, yay (/sarc)

But I just really like that I can use my knowledge of myself and others to be able to help my friend that is also in a position like me, but not as able to do research and not as knowledgeable about things. By neurotypical standards, I'd be considered "smarter" but that's only because I tend to absorb more info and be more observant than her. She's plenty smart. So having this knowledge and experience and advice and being able to help my friend literally makes me so happy. I love MA so much. I love all my friends so much and my gf (she's included in my friends.) I help MA the most since the others are better at taking care of themselves and Ray and Cass have families that take em to the doctor more often than mine or MA's does.

But this was just something I thought of that made me happy. My friend is becoming so aware and knowledgeable too thanks to me and it makes me happy. I'm glad I can help her. Honestly, she wouldn't have realized she was bi, pan, ace, a demigirl, go by she/they, go by she/they/he, are disordered, that their dad was neglectful and abusive, or learn how to say no and work on their people pleasing without me.

MA, I know you'll see this. I love you so much and I can't say it enough. I'm proud of the person you've become and I'm glad I was able to be beside you on this journey. You matter so much and I'm glad you're becoming more confident and independent. You've come so far and have been through so much and I see you. You're an amazing friend. I've helped, but you've also done a lot of it yourself and managed to better yourself because you worked hard to. One day, we'll both be away from our parents and have a much more peaceful life. And even if I'm scared of it, I am super proud of you for knowing what you wanted to do and standing by that. Even if I can't understand why beauty school is appealing lol, I will always support you. You are my number one, boo. So you go and be great even if I get super needy and lonely and anxious. Cause I know you'll be an amazing hairdresser. You've done all the work for college, beauty school, and finances yourself. I hope you're proud of yourself for that. You've become more independent than when I first met you and seeing how much you've changed makes me feel genuinely happy. I love you, MA. And even if I don't understand or can't see it from your perspective, I'll always encourage you as long as it's a safe thing to do!

Ahem. That was cheesy and it's embarrassing, but I'm disordered and express love weirdly so- that's just how I function :3

Anyway, just wanted to celebrate something I was happy about. Learning about disability, my disabilities, and everything has given me so many opportunities to be able to cope even if I'm not diagnosed and I'm just really happy about that.

#disabled #disability #food intolerance #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #chronic illness #spoonie #actually disabled #love for my bestie #positivity #actually traumatized #actually neglected #best friend #celebrating my accomplishments #celebrating how far I've come #proud of myself #proud of me #we've come so far

[spnfanficpond]

Pond Diving - Supernatural-Jackles

Welcome to today’s Pond Diving Spotlight! We hope that you enjoy this little insight to our members and perhaps even find some useful tips for your own writing. Happy reading!

Want to volunteer, send us an ask! We’re looking forward to learning more about all of you! Not sure what PD is, you can learn more here.

“Don’t Be Koi About It” - All About You

Name: Jen

Age: 24

Location: Ontario, Canada

URL: @supernatural-jackles​ 

Why did you choose your URL:  I wanted a Supernatural theme for my blog when I started watching it and Jensen Ackles just happens to be my favourite on there so it became that.

What inspired you to become a writer: I’ve always enjoyed stories. I’ve loved the aspect of taking your mind to a whole other world and living in it. As I grew up and continued reading, my love for stories became stronger and stronger. I fell in love with characters and places. I wanted to always have a way to go back to those places and take other people to those places. I wanted to create stories for others to fall in love with the way I fell in love with them.

How long have you been writing:  I have been writing since I was 8 or 9.

What do you do when you are not writing i.e. Job/Hobbies etc?  Right now, my Nintendo switch is a good friend of mine. Due to the virus, I spend a lot of my time inside when I’m not at work. I’m either writing, working, sleeping or playing switch.

How long have you been in the SPN Fandom?  Since 2012

Are you in any other fandoms and do you write for them? I am in the Harry Potter fandom, and Marvel. I don’t write for them though. I don’t feel the same way about the characters as I do with the SPN Fandom. 

Do you do any writing outside of fanfiction? If so, tell us about it? I have been working on my novel for the last two years on and off. I just find a lot more joy in writing Supernatural fanfiction at the moment, so my soul focus has stayed on that. 

Favorite published author:  Margaret Atwood or John Green

Have you ever read a book that made an impact on your life? Which one and why?:  There was this one book I read. I was about 18 at the time I believe. All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. A very triggering book, just so you know. I remember sitting there reading it and wondering why I’m putting myself through something so draining and daunting. The book was very upsetting and I found it didn’t tackle the issues at hand in a very tasteful and realistic way. As someone who writes fanfiction about mental health, it influenced me to be open and honest about the way reality is, but in a way that would shine more positively towards mental health struggles. I never wanted to be that person who ruined every mental health book for someone else like that author did for me. It was a negative impact, but I think it had some positive results.

Favorite genre of fanfic (smut, angst, fluff, crack, rpf, etc):  I enjoy all genres to be honest. It really all depends on the mood I’m in that day. It’s fun to switch it up every once in a while and enjoy the mixed emotions you get when you read or write said genre.

Favorite piece of your own writing: One and One Make Three or Just Want to Be Loved.

Most underrated fic you have written:  I might have to say More Than a Fling. It was the sequel to Summer Fling and everyone was interested in a second series. It soon went on permanent hiatus due to lack of interest.

Story of yours that you’d most like to see turned into a movie/tv show:  Owe You One

Favorite Tumblr Writer(s):   @luci-in-trenchcoats​, @kaz-2y5imagines​,  @jawritter​ @mariekoukie6661​, @torn-and-frayed​

Favorite fic from another writer:  Breathe by @luci-in-trenchcoats​

Favorite character to write: Dean/Jensen

Favorite Pairing to write:  Undecided. I love reader inserts and I haven’t done many pairings other than that. I have toyed with Jensen/Reader/Danneel before and I enjoy writing them.

Least favorite character to write (and why):  Castiel. We only see so much of Cas and there aren’t as many complex layers of him so he’s harder for me to explore.

Do you have anyone you consider a mentor?  @luci-in-trenchcoats

Do you have any aspirations involving your writing?   Finish everything I start, and be proud of every piece I create.

How many work-in-progress stories do you have:  Ummm probably upwards to the mid 60’s I want to say.

What are you currently working on?  I am in the very early stages of writing a Jensen x Reader Bodyguard AU series. Twisty and turny and very different from what I usually write, but still very me.

“Pond Diving” - All About The Writing

What/who has had the biggest influence on your writing?  I have the biggest influence on my writing for the most part. I always stick with what I want to write and what I’d love to read. That’s what gets me started on most pieces. My dear best friend who shall remain anonymous, has an influence on me as well. She mostly inspires me to write what I want to write and reminds me on a constant basis that I am doing good and to keep going with my ideas.

Best writing advice you've been given:  Don’t be afraid to get a little out of your comfort zone.

Biggest obstacle you’ve faced in your writing:  Time management mostly. Deadlines are not my best friend, that’s for sure. I am often filled with a lot of self-doubt when it comes to getting things done on time. Then I wonder if it’s good enough for publishing or if I should wait.

What aspects of writing do you find difficult when you write fanfiction? The research process for certain fics can be daunting. Especially if you don’t know where you need to start looking. Then fact checking, and making sure it works in the story. I have to remind myself that it will be worth it in the end. 

Is there anything you want to write but are afraid to (and why):  I am pretty open with writing most of the things I want to. Getting out of my comfort zone is something I regularly do. It’s always fun to challenge yourself into writing something you’d never think of doing. I certainly have enjoyed the things I was scared to try and it was worth it in the end.

What inspires/motivates you to write:  Any selfie/picture posted by Jensen. My best friend and the lovely people around me. @luci-in-trenchcoats is a big influence on me and she always keeps me going!

How do you deal with self doubt:  I constantly have to remind myself to get out of that headspace unless I am writing about being in that headspace. It’s a hard cycle to break. Reminding myself that what I am doing is making me happy. I’m making the rules. I’m writing this for me. I have to please myself first and that’s what matters the most. I know myself and the way I write, and that is enough. That’s what I keep on repeat in my head.

How do you deal with writer's block: Cry profusely? I’m kidding. Writer’s block for me, usually comes from something I don’t like that I have written. If it’s minor, I go back to the point where I was happy with where the story was going and delete everything after that. Give it a fresh new start and prospective. If the block is more severe, I take a break. Watch a movie and don’t stress myself about it. I get ideas anywhere, and it will come back eventually. Sometimes it’s just your brain's way of saying “hey, you need to take a break. Do that.”

Do you plan/outline your story before you start: Generally yes. I like to know where my story is going. Most of the time my outlines are more extensive rough drafts. It’s a way of processing my thoughts and writing them down so I don’t forget later. It’s a lot more fun for me to build on stories.

Do you have any weird writing habits:  I either have to sit in a silent room, or I have to listen to music. Lately it’s been more silent. It depends on the subject.

Have you ever received hateful comments on your fic and how do you deal with it?  I’ve received my share of hateful comments. Each one sucks, I’m not going to lie. Knowing that there is someone out there that hates the way you wrote something so much that they had to tell you isn’t nice. It kind of comes back to the self doubt thing. You have to remind yourself that this is one person’s not so kind opinion. You are the writer, you are in control of this story. This is you and you’re proud of this.

Conversely: what’s been some of your favorite feedback on your fanfic?  Any feedback is my favourite feedback. Every heart, every “I love this”. Every “You’re my favourite.” I can’t pick a favourite. If someone can take the time out to say they’ve loved something I have written and that it meant a lot to them, then that's the best reward I can get.

If you could give one piece of advice to a new and/or struggling writer, what would it be?  Keep writing everyday! You don’t see it now but the more you write, the better you get.

#pond diving #pond diving: supernatural-jackles #spnfanficpond

[jeanbeaux]

hello! i am a writer as well and i have a dilemma and i decided it would be wise to ask a few other blogs whose writing i look up to, if that is alright with you?

how do you handle loss of motivation to write? i love writing but when it gets such little interaction it makes me feel so demotivated. i have an okay following but sometimes it feels like i just talk to myself and i get very little interaction from my followers which makes me question what am i even doing or if anyone actually appreciates what i put out. I am proud of what i write but given everything, sometimes it feels as if i am better off keeping them to myself than posting them on this platform

thank you for your time and i apologize for the inconvenience,.

hi! first off, you arent being an inconvenience at all!! im actually so touched that you look up to my writing, thats really sweet of you to say!

to answer your question: loss of motivation is a tough thing! i’m struggling through it a little bit with some of my fics, and the way i push through it is by telling myself that writing is a cyclical thing! you have spikes of productivity and sometimes you dont want to touch the doc for days and thats ok! life gets in the way sometimes, and we need to be kinder to ourselves when it does.

and i know interaction is a big ding on your desire to keep going, but how i push past that is remembering that this was for me first! im no stranger to feeling like im talking to nobody on my blog lol, i am constantly shitposting to the point where i feel like my updates can be burdensome, but the beauty of tumblr being a blog is that its for you, its a log of your thoughts and feelings that you chose to share with others!

if people resonate with you, thats amazing! and if they arent as much as they used to, your feelings and thoughts are still just as valid. as hard as it is remind ourselves, interaction does not define your worth and talent as a writer! you are doing big things by sharing your thoughts with people, and with how catty this site can get these days its a brave and generous thing.

im proud of the fact that you write too!! trust me, someone out there might see your work can could cheer up and have a good day — so that one like they give you could be sending you as much positive energy as a dozen notes.

i hope this didnt sound like im talking in circles! what you’re going through is a very natural cycle of feelings and i wish you the best on it <3

#aman gets asks #anon #feel free to send me some of your stuff if you would like!!

[theratopia]

Chronic defiance

Welcome back, Therapals,

Today I have to fully embrace anecdotal experience and take some pride in being able to share a part of my story with all of you. Please be kind as I indulge in this task.

It felt to me like episode 184 had an unintentional theme of life-long diagnosis from both the perspective of the patient and those who surround them. Through very specific and personal experiences we were invited to think about how living in sickness can affect one's behavior. It so happens that I am well versed in existing inside a defective body, I just have reached the point where I can wear a healthy disguise.

When I was 13 years old I realized that regular classes would cause me pain. At first, it seemed temporary, maybe I needed glasses or something. Maybe I was tired. At 16 I started avoiding going to the movies because two hours of enjoyment would bring another twelve of agony. By the time I was in college - the first time - I would schedule my day around how many times I was in pain. My backpack always had a supply of medication that needed to be refilled every week. I wouldn't go out much and all my close friends were somewhat accustomed to seeing me in pain. I even developed some signs to be able to communicate when I couldn’t speak - it's rare now, but extremely intense episodes will trap me inside, making me fully aware but unable to speak and/or move.

I went to several doctors, had years of exams done, got close to an addiction to painkillers, thought I was going blind. I also thought I was going to die, accidentally almost caused a fatal injury on myself, and very much wished I was dead.

It took me a few years to figure out I have chronic migraine, even though it runs in the family. It took me more than a decade to manage it successfully.

Looking back, I don't know how I did it, I just knew I had to do it. Daily life was miserable, limited and exhausting. The only way to adapt to it at first was to accept everything. I wasn't ashamed of my condition anymore, and that was who I had to be at that point. But that would not be what would define me for the rest of my life.

Years of treatment later, I say it is an everyday struggle. Today, for example, I woke up and there she was, weighing heavy over my right eye. But I won, I feel fine now. One day at a time, another lesson learnt on how to be the most comfortable me.

Chronic pain will often force you to learn how to live around it, and this is the only specific reality I have some familiarity with. It is an intrusive condition that will sit right in the middle of your existence, refusing to be ignored. And if you ever try to do so, it will just take more space until there is nothing left for you. More than half of my life has been defined by this battle of how to make myself exist around and larger than the pain I can feel at any moment. The triumph I seek is not absolute victory, but a peaceful cohabitation. On one side, my genetic blueprint lays down all the traps; on the other, my unshakable willpower finds its ways to navigate the treacherous terrain. There is no escaping how we were built, but humans are notoriously talented at adaption, the ultimate advantage that hardly ever fails us.

So, please, if you find yourself in similar conditions and your body seems to be actively working against you, be defiant, be courageous. Be stubborn for yourself. Use the survivor's bias to your own benefit. Think about how much you’ve done so far by being exactly who you have always been, how much you have overcome. I won't lie and say the journey is easy. You might not be able to do everything you dream of, sure - I can't wear anything on my head and face, for example. But it will be okay. You can adapt and find other ways of being fulfilled doing what you love. And you will do it your own way, which makes it unique. Perhaps you can pave the way for other people who also exist in a more challenging body.

This is how I like to see my unescapable neurological condition: a challenge that I am able to conquer. I do need a different set of tools, which I craft for myself with the help of those who understand my uncommon requirements.

Don't think you need to make yourself smaller to make others comfortable, no. Ask for what you need because that is what you deserve. There are no rules, you do things the way you need to do them. Somedays, I would wear sunglasses inside the office. Or take naps at a sitting position. Brush my hair for half an hour, brush my teeth for ten minutes, take a shower with a chair.

It is also important to note that it was never anyone's fault that I was suffering constantly, not even mine. The fact that I was in pain made me very irritable, of course, but that was not carte blanche to lash out at my family, for example. The migraine still affects my mood, my tolerance, my energy levels. However, my migraine cannot be used as a shield from criticism, as an excuse to hide from responsibility, or as a justification for recklessness. It is never acceptable to act like you are beyond reproach just because you are in pain. Everyone has their issues and should be held accountable for their shitty behavior.

After so many years of experience, if given the opportunity to tell my younger self anything, I would say it will get better. So that is what I would like to tell anyone facing a lifelong diagnosis. We mature, we adapt. The secret is to never stop, and never let yourself be stopped.

In the beginning, it feels overwhelming, but at some point, you will forget how bad it used to be. Finding balance won't feel so daunting. You will find the best possible version of yourself and feel proud.

Take good care of yourselves. You are worthy.

Triple hug,

The Mayor.

#podtherapy #podcast #chronic illness #chronic migraine #overcome #personal #letter

[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

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#I literally drew nothing this year #like this is all of it lmao #I didn’t post a lot of this stuff because hmmm #but omfg my evolution of tyreen art lmao #that one in January was the first time I ever drew her #I literally got into borderlands in January snd now look at me #consistent style who? #actually a lot of this is collage work huh #that digital December is a surprise #I’m nearly finished just gotta do effects #but my productivity said 📉📉📉📉📉 #yeah I used to draw angel a LOT as well lol #borderlands #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #lilith the siren #my art #ocs #kiatei #rhys the company man #patricia tannis #angel the siren #uhhhhh #2020 summary #tw mention of abuse #tw mention if suicide #long post