#listen i am just so tired anymore

[glitterghost]

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that I am just....so unbelievably tired.

#pride and prejudice #jane austen #elizabeth bennet #fitzwilliam darcy #EDIT: #listen i am just so tired anymore #like its summer and i love that but i feel like I've reached my mental reserves #everything feels like too much and not enough all at the same time #everything feels like its on fire and so i just burrow into my little tumblr cave bc its safe and happy and there is no pressure #and yet its weird to try to squeeze back into this little place ive carved out for myself when i was less active for a while #but its like coming back to your childhood bedroom or any place that brings happiness and nostalgia and everything that good with the world #and i dont think want to leave it again #i want to make the fluffiest little nest and plop down for all eternity and recharge the entirety of me

[bookinit02]

genuinely i think if i have to see taylor swift’s name one more time i’m going to start breaking things.

#i liked her casually as a kid #and i still like a lot of her music now #but i can barely even fucking listen to it anymore bc she is EVERYWHERE #like literally i don’t care about her and i don’t care about travis whoever #and i don’t even care about her in a negative way like i don’t care if she’s selfish and narcissistic and a performative activist #and her jet emissions or whatever #bc literally 90% of celebrities are like that she’s not special #i am just so tired. of people ALWAYS talking about her #and being expected to have an opinion and be up to date with whatever meaningless drama is going on #genuinely no hate to my friends that like taylor bc i don’t mind that #it is more just like. Everywhere #i cant even go on tiktok without seeing her name 300 times i cant DO THISSS #ok. rant over. 😭

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.

#honestly? honestly? #last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just #felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze #maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk #i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now #i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled #most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks #i'm just so tired man #not for reblogging obviously #i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like #good riddance tbh #which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are #it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!! #gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao #but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all #and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages #am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not? #how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe. #why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it? #just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay. #maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning. #on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

[field-s-of-flowers]

.

#I understand everything sucks but what am I supposed to do about it #I’m seventeen I’m doing everything I can and NOBODY FUCKING LISTENS TO ME #I know everyone in the universe has it worse than I do so I’m not allowed to be mad or tired about anything #And I know I’m in the wrong for everything ever but can we all just stop shoving it in my face 24/7 #There isn’t a single choice I can make that won’t hurt people and if anything bad happens it’ll be all my fault #I don’t wanna live in this world anymore.

[damiemontclair]

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

#Still haven't really properly cried tho I am kinda tearing up as I write this #I'm not having a good mental health time rn ngl #The callous way some of the docs treated me; the way their sole focus was on reproduction without a single care for the hormones... #The generally terrible way I deal with surgery/post-surgery #It wasn't. As bad? The last few times? #I think I've also made myself forget a lot from the first 2 times #3rd time was more traumatising. #This last one tho... I never stayed for more than a night at the hospital. I never want to stay at a hospital ever again. #I never want to have surgery again #I swear if I have to do that again I will have my panic attack before they even put me under #It was so painful this time and people weren't listening to me at all when I told them the iv wasn't sitting right anymore #Nurses and doctors kept dismissing my opinions and wishes and needs.... #It was like as a patient you're less than human. #My arm is still bruised from where they fucked up their blood draws... #I'm so tired but I can't seem to rest #I'm so full of emotions but I can't seem to let them go and *cry* #Its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop #Pls ignore me amd my rambles I'm just. Not doing too hot rn. #damie talks

[in-the-sweet-november-rain]

god i hate my damn school 😭

#vicki's shit #like they find EVERY fucking reason to torture me its insane #and like make fun of my parents and my family #LIKE HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY FAMILY?? #who are you to comment on that? #“she's only here cuz she has good grades and plays instruments” yes. yes i am #HAVE YOU BEEN PLAYING THE VIOLIN FOR 7 SEVEN FUCKING YEARS? HAVE YOU PATRICK??! DIDNT' THINK SO! #like im so sick and tired of adhering to the expectations that society has of me #like i will ALWAYS be the lonely depressed girl that doesn't wear makeup much and #doesn't have the money or the desire to buy chanel or whatever fucking brand and #has puffy hair and listens to weird music and doesn't have friends #like i have friends i think i have a really close one #but idk anymore #we used to be rly close- now they're slowly turning into one of THOSE girls and is invited to the parties i'm never invited to </3 #its just hurts yknow? #it hurts knowing you'll never be like them #cuz it feels nice to be wanted #and i'm not. #anyways sry lmao #no ones gonna fucking read this lol #if you're here reading this thanks <3 and i love you

[sapphicsnzs]

currently crying in the library while studying

#self obs #i’m so stressed and anxious i wanna scream #i hate being negative cause i don’t wanna put my energy on anyone else #but fuck i’m so tired of being positive all the time #i literally have been having bad week after bad week and i can’t talk to anyone about it #i also feel like i’m everyone’s emotional sounding board and no one does the same for me and then i have to hold all my frustration in #no one even asks me how i am anymore or cares enough to listen to the answer #this sounds so dumb but everyone around me only talks about themselves #like literally the past two days i’ve hung out with friends and both times people there were like i didn’t even know that was going on #i’m just so tired of feeling like no one cares about me or that i’m wasting my energy when i say a single thing about myself #i have therapy tomorrow and i feel like it’s gonna be a cry through the whole session kinda day #i’ll probably delete this in like 20 minutes cause i’m being stupid

[sugardecreme]

undertale yellow animatic of to you by or3o.... hey..... can anybody hear me..... does anybody see my vision..........

#sugar rambles #i've had this in my head literally since i got into uty and it hasn't left my mind i cannot listen to the song anymore without thinking #“hm! undertale yellow!” please free me from this curse #i'm never going to make it myself cuz i am slow and tired so i'm putting out the idea in hopes someone else does it🙏 #please. does anyone get me. does anyone udnerstand #i just. think it works. ok

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[the-casbah-way]

i've been thinking about chronic pain and the fact that just because you're technically physically capable of doing something it doesn't necessarily mean that you should or that it's good for you. like i'm always telling myself that i'm being dramatic about how much pain i'm in or how tired i always am because i can study full time and hold down a stable job and i manage to pull through every day so i'm fine. but then it's like. i don't have any hobbies i don't eat or sleep well at all i'm always in so much pain and i'm miserable because i don't have time to do anything but work and study. and i always wonder how everyone else has the time to socialise or do what they enjoy or cook and clean in between. and it's because i don't have the same energy levels as them so when i do an entire day of uni and work i feel like i need an entire month to recover physically but i don't have time to do that because my schedule doesn't allow for it so i just keep on going until i get sick and then have to take a week off work because i'm too exhausted to function. so like yeah i can work and study like a "normal" person but it's really really tiring and painful. i automatically tune out pain and i've been doing that most of my life because i'm seen as able bodied and expected to act as such because no one has ever listened to me when i tell them i'm in pain so i just force myself to keep going and tell myself it's all in my head. but like. maybe the fact i'm in so much pain all the time and i'm so insanely tired is because i'm operating at the same pace as someone who doesn't have anything wrong with them when i do in fact appear to have lots wrong with me even if i don't know what it is

#i know some of this is endo but it feels like something else is going on too but i don't know what it is #and doctors don't care or listen so i don't know what i'm supposed to do #but GOD i wish i could explain how much pain i'm in all the time and how tired i am #everything drains me so much physically and i do not know why #it definitely started after i left high school but it's gotten way worse since i got covid a few years back #and now it's just like. i guess i'm just like this now like i guess i just can't function anymore ????? why ??????

[puddingcatbeans]

my aunt gifted my dad some winnie the pooh LINE stickers today in celebration of the new year. i have 56 new message notifications for the family group chat; it is just the two of them sending delightful stickers of well-wishes. they are often at each other's throats as siblings are, and they are also an ocean apart. i don't know where i'll be twenty years from now, and i haven't been able to eat dinner with my sister in months, but i hope we'll still have groupchats. i'll give a heart react and carry that little bit of warmth with me.

#thoughts #beanstalks #felt bad because my dad spent all day cooking #but we were all so tired by the time we got home #i am glad we all got to eat together though #idk how to talk to my family properly anymore #something that happens when you grow up maybe #but i have been trying to spend more time just staying and listening #anyway. love is ten homecooked dishes on the table #and a fridge full of leftovers #ready to be heated up whenever you get home

[strohller27]

.

#i’ve been working through some stuff in my head #and I’ve realised that so much of my life I’ve occupied the spaces in-between #like I acheived certain things in my life because I was literally the only one who stepped up #but it was also like. I wasn’t the first choice for something I was always just what was available #or I tried to carve out something for myself and it ended up either being taken away from me or getting ruined somehow #like when I was in the pipe band I became drum major because I was literally the only drummer (not that anyone really liked me… #i was just. the only choice there was until someone else came along). #or when I moved up the ladder at the tutoring service it was during Covid and I had to work so much harder because #we just didn’t have a full team. #or when I had to do my undergraduate thesis by myself because also covid #and now having to do my research project basically 100% by myself because my advisor ‘‘can’t’’ advise me #(​except he can apparently write me some exam questions next semester) #idk I just feel like the extra frozen water on the side of the ice cube tray of life #and now I’m in Canada and I’m trying to make a place for myself #I want this to work out. I want to be able to solidify the life that I want without having to live on the fucking edge #I’m tired of staying in my ‘lane’ when my ‘lane’ has always been ‘standing on the side to let others pass’ #Listen up queers I am allowed to take up space and I am occupying this part of the lane #if you don’t like it then you can make your own fucking lane #I’m just trying to make a life in this ridiculous precarious world I don’t want to have to play it safe anymore #I want to get into a PhD programme and study what I want to study #I want to meet someone I can trust with myself when I’m fragile and someone who trusts me with themself when they’re fragile #I want to live in a house I don’t have to worry about losing and make enough money to live comfortably #I want to stop merely surviving and start *living* #and I’m going to do everything in my power to achieve that

[cigarette-room]

(pretty long thread rip)

I should be studying for tomorrow but instead I am restless and overthinking and thinking to myself about how there is so much wrong in approaching love from the perspective of trying to be liked and trying to be loved and trying to be good and trying to stick people to yourself with duct tape made of gifts and nice jokes and sweet words because well, it's not only tiring but they will leave in the end anyway, and loving and being loved is supposed to be rest and peace and a sound mind and the more you try the less you achieve any of that! Except I'm my mother's and father's child so I still do it anyway and hang around and try again and cling until it's dead because otherwise it all really hurts but it hurts anyway so

Just dgaf. And if you do then pretend you don't until you convince yourself and restrain your hands so they can't reach out to anyone once they turn their back on you and just. Let people live with their own decisions. I want so hard to be loved that I am making myself disposable like a used rag and for what? It's all gonna be good one day with or without anyone else

#i am perhaps just rambling to myself here #but i am tired of that tendency that was baked into me to try to get anyone to stick around #i remember when my first ex broke up with me i spent literal months clinging to her and trying to negotiate some kind of universe #where we would still talk and be as close as we were before #and she didn't wanna hear #until she did but we eventually distanced and when i moved on she was so upset and i wondered why because? you left me? #and i fought so hard to keep you there but you made your decision and now you're upset at me for moving on? #and the second time around i wasn't any better at it either #and only recently am i realizing that the reason she was so upset at me moving on was because i made myself so reliable #with those stupid promises that I'd be in her life always no matter what happened #and why would I do that? i always cling to people because they matter to me #and they always realize i matter to them once i move on already and am not willingly a part of their life anymore #and like sure i do attract people who tend to be assholes to me but it's on me as well #i am disproportionate in showing my care to people who don't return even 1/5 of it back #and when they get bored i am the one they call weird for that #so i really decided not even to listen to what I need anymore but only to what needs to be done and it's #just letting things go with the flow. i don't have to drag the dead weight of anything i try to keep on my shoulders #do i want to? sure. do i want to be as loved as i never am? i do of course i do #but i am trying too hard. and it's never gonna get me anywhere. because people only ever want me back in their life when i have moved on and #others value themselves more. others don't love anyone blindly so #i don't have to. even though i want. i don't have to #if you gift me a paper I'll gift you a paper. if you want to kiss me I'd want to kiss you too #and if you say you love me I'd love you back and if you forget my birthday I'll forget yours too and #if i hug you but am not hugged back i won't hug you again #i think that's the best way things can go when people are concerned #maybe this is a bit too transactional in a sense but i mean #it wouldnt be fair if it was unequal #if someone does everything for you and you don't return it then you are an asshole to them but #if you give and you aren't given you are a weirdo simply put #it's best if it's equal

[salsflore]

#my friend got mad and stormed away bc i joked abt missing and wishing a friend were with us bc if she was then i wouldnt have to be the- #-one to listen to her rambling abt her crush and whatnot #maybe ive been too rude in the way i went about it but now that i think abt it ive been ridiculously patient with her #shes always bringing me out my class and to the bathroom to talk abt her crushhh and her love lifee and she doesnt consider- #-my feelings at all ! do i even want to hear about it ?! do i give a SHIT ??? #whenever SHE makes me feel awful i don't say anything. she just brushes it off with a sorry my bad loll #but the moment i express my frustration shes like fuck you la >:( #ive been telling her how i feel ive been telling her to stop it stop bringing me into your drama stop talking to me abt him #and yet! #she knew my prev. crush was talking shit about me yet she never told me until i asked her abt it ?! she didnt give a shit when i was- #-in the middle of taking a TEST and she was like um i dont care help me with this #dudeeee #youre so frustrating the world does not revolve around you and your love life shes the type of person to think shes cool for being 13 and- #-dating a 16 yr old baby NOOO!!! #i am so tired so so so tired i feel out of place with my friends all the time i hate everything #to clarify shes not 13 anymore but she sure! does act like it...

[iron-sides]

hey everyone just want to take a moment to appreciate the part of les mis where thernardier's gamg is robbing rue plumet and eponine is there bc its cosettes house and she had led marius there and hes like "who is this hussy" and one of the guys idr which us like "thats ur kid. wtc dont u know ur own kids" which a) i dont think he knows gavroche is related to him so. but b) this interaction is between mssr t and some unnamed guy like idr it happening in the book altho i could be wrong but like i love it. its so funny. like ut serves no real narrative purpose except to tell us that no one has any respect for thernardier and i just its so silly so funny. i love it

#im feeling tired now 👍🏻 #my thots #listening to the symphonic recording to celebrate barricade day until i can get home nd waych the movie #maybe ill make someone stream it w me iver discord thatd be fun. i love this show #like the movies not great obvs but dawg im so tired if grainy ass footage where i can barely see e and r during drink with me ill just #pause the movie find an appropriate oneshot to fill in the missing verse and go on #read aloud with lea mis oneshot yell heah #i am so tired can you tell. can you tell brain dont work anymore. too sleeby #also just so u know the symphonic recording is the objective best les mis album REAL #all my homies love the les mis symphonic recording