#listen. I am normal. I am not overthinking this to a concerning degree. I am n

[its-an-inxp-again]

SP/so vs SO/sx

Not sure how much this can be generalized since it's only my personal experience. When I was a pre-teen my best friend used to be a so/sx 6w7, while I am 9w1 sp/so. Sp dom vs Sp blind... some stuff went down and it’s fascinating to analyze such differences to me (I feel like I'm fascinated by sp blinds in general wtf).

She was the V immature of the pair, throwing herself in any possible weird experience she could have just for the sake of it. She would always cause so much drama it was legit concerning and I always was on the sidelines, not participating and sometimes suggesting her to stop, but did she listen to me? Never, and also, in some ways, I think I did in fact understand her desire to feel alive and feel stuff and do dumb stuff, possibly in that I am sx-blind and I won't fucking allow myself to do that, while she totally did. I guess, I don't usually pay any mind to my sx-blindness but the only time that it kind of felt like I was missing on something was when I would spend time with her? And also now that I'm actually studying the instictual variants I guess I'm starting to realize it (but also not really there's a shit ton of work to do). She would always act as if she was the protagonist of some weird 19th romantic novel but, make it dumber (we were 11-12 after all, how smart could we be?).

I deeply, deeply understand her need and wish to be like a novel protagonist. I do think of myself in that way quite often. But while she did it by acting and getting actively involved in stuff, I’ve always done the same by hyper-interpreting my simpler, more boring experiences (9 basic bitch here, feeling attached to something while being withdrawn and out of touch with your body results in amazing fantasy sky castles). She was never satisfied by this.

If she wanted intensity, she would create it by idk, doing some dumb stuff she would for sure later regret. While she went on to feel so alive, I would stay in the back overthinking my more boring life. An example would be that while she actually acted so that everyone around us hated her and shunned her, I would simply feel and think I was being shunned as well, but in practice I would never do something that would elicit a strong reaction out of others. I basically fantasized about it. As you can tell her being a Social Dominant I guess she got the sx juice she wanted through social stuff (her reputation, going against the social system (social 6s often do that)).

In so many ways, if I were to simplify it, she was a mixture of Dorian Gray and Heathcliff and I was Des Esseintes. She was an edgier version of Dorian Gray, wanting to experience everything but make it dark and painful and tormented (a là Heathcliff), not once holding herself back. Des Esseintes, on the other hand, would also feel like a misfit and a tormented soul but he did so by staying inside his house and hyper-interpreting his experiences to an insane degree, until he basically starts to hallucinate. He barely goes outside of his home and when he does everything seems weird, scary, magical in its own way, and while a bit creepy that’s also part of being sx-blind I think? You secretly want that way of feeling alive via the dark things in life (not sure if my fixes have a part in this as idk other 9s may not relate to this maybe) but also you want to go about it safely (sp) and by not exposing yourself (9), so it becomes like wearing a pair of glasses that adds a layer of poetry and beauty and suffering to an otherwise normal, boring and inane reality (again, 9 fantasy shit). But that’s about it. It’s a magical pair of glasses that at times I feel like I can remove and put on at will when I’m bored and I feel like I want more out of life. Outsourcing sx if you will w/o ever acting on this shit. I relate to Des Esseintes even though he was possibly a sp 4 but whatever I guess...

My old friend, being sp-blind, of course did not feel the same need for “safety” and had nothing to hold her back, really... the 6w7 sp blind brings a lot of energy and a way to never be able to fucking stand still, so yeah... it was so fascinating to see her act that differently from me, but also empathizing with her desire to get MORE out of life and dive into the darker aspects of it. I guess that’s why I sticked with her even when I thought she was being unreasonable and annoyingly melodramatic. Most people would shun her and don’t get her ways and while I can’t say that I got her, I would at least sympathise with her wish to experience more and be dramatic, even if I couldn’t quite elaborate it at the time and I superficially thought she was being too immature (this is so funny, we were fucking 10 and we were already doing instictual stuff with me acting like the adult one idk. Also w1 may play a part in this shit. Me being sp dom felt like I was supposed to check on her but also I didn't really do it because it was fun to tag along with her dumb stuff). But while she had the courage(?) to act on such a wish, I did not - I never had it, and instead compensated by having an hyperactive mental landscape...

There was a Wilde’s quote that went like, “the artist always represents what they themselves cannot live and experience”, or whatever, and I’ve always related to it way too deeply, lmao. I would represent, think, imagine, write the stories, and instead she would actively live them. Also Wilde was a so/sx so I guess that means something

While I may be bitter, because even as a sx-blind I at times feel....... like I want to live and get involved in stuff more? also I guess 9s have a way to dissociate with their life quite easily so that doesn't help (a sx-blind 7 would probably feel like they're getting involved more). Plus possibly having a 5fix makes it worse? it kind of sucks tbfh. Like it feels I've been dissociated since I was 4 yo and never got back to actual earth wtf. 95x sp/so may be the most fucking boring thing on earth + it may bring a neurotic need to keep your little bubble untouched by real life and finding security in that bubble, to the point that you're actually missing out. Idk. I may *do* stuff to make me feel like I'm going around with people more but it doesn't really affect me that deeply so yeah... fuck all of this. It's not even the same as being stuck in your comfort zone? I guess it is but again I may at times challenge myself in some small ways and have new experiences but it's like nothing really reaches me idk.

Again, I usually prefer to go about stuff safely (aka not disrupting my little bubble too much), and in this way, I’ve always had way less regrets than her - so in this, I’m actually fine with my way of playing it safe. I like letting myself wear that pair of glasses when I feel like it and call it a day. I’ve always been content with very little...

Though honestly I’ve not been hanging out with her in years (at least 8 years, wow) and while I do hear from her I can’t say I can get to see how much she’s changed, lol

It was weird, you’d expect that with such a melodramatic friend the break up would be at least as dramatic, instead it has been quite the opposite - we simply slowly stopped reaching out to each other once we had nothing much in common anymore, and something else going on with our lives, lmao...

Also I mistyped her as a 4w3 in the past but it's so funny I got that little about the enneagram and IVs and somehow got her IV right at first try wtf I guess she's just that obvious

#enneagram #enneagram 5 #enneagram 4 #instinctual variants #so/sx #social instinct #long post #sometimes i say stuff #ennea5 #ennea4 #enneagram 6 #enneagram test #ennea9 #enneagram 9 #ennea6 #ennea 6 #ennea 9 #sp/so

[atinycupofpositivitea]

Hello! I have a question: how do I know if my therapist is right for me? And some doubts/worries I've been having my anxiety.

I've been in therapy for a few months now however, recently I saw my therapist's professional profile on their website and it mentions that they have their master's degree and certifications but doesn't have any prior full-time work experience as a psychologist. They did mention some short-term internships though.

Now I'm wondering (also worrying) if it's okay to trust them completely? It's especially bad because I have health anxiety which mainly focuses around mental health issues (like anxiety about depression, ocd, etc.) I used to google those conditions and most things that came up were things most people do/go through in their daily life too. So I got really confused about what separates them and ended up being anxious thinking I have those conditions too and overthinking every random habit of mine and labelling it as "depression" or "ocd" which just drains me because I know none of my habits bother me? And yet, I label them as "xyz condition" because I read online that it "could" mean a mental health condition and since it's basically the same thing, I end up thinking "if its a problem for that person and its a symptom of xyz (say: ocd for example) then I have that habit too but i don't have any problem with it. And yet, is it still xyz condition for me too? Is it not normal?

And when I get too overwhelmed by these thoughts, I remind myself that my therapist said it's not that condition and I'm just overthinking. But now that I read that they don't have prior full time work experience as a psychologist, I keep wondering "What if they are wrong?" Or "What if they don't get it?"

The thing is- I trust them and they always listen to me patiently and gave their thoughts on my problems and small exercises like carrying around a card with written affirmations, speaking affirmations in front of the mirror, gratitude journaling, thought labeling, etc. And I've noticed some positive changes in me since starting therapy too like a bit more self compassion and yet, my anxiety makes me question if I can trust their opinion on it if I have certain mental health issues I fear. Similar to how sometimes I can't trust my doctor's opinion if I have convinced myself of having any health condition after reading symptoms on google or from random people on the internet. The line between something being a mental health condition and something nornal is so blurred to me honestly 😔

What do you think? What does make someone a good therapist? I'm so confused 🥺

Sorry if this was too much, I'm really sorry. And thank you for being here and I love you and your account 💖

Hey there Anon!

Apologies for the super, extra late reply. I have taken a couple of weeks to restore my inner peace and balance, and now I'm feeling like I can take on the whole world. 💕💪🏼

I understand your worries and can totally relate to your concerns about your therapist. It can be a daunting feeling to not feel sure about the person that helps us keep good mental health.

From an external point of view, it sounds like your anxiety is trying to sabotage you and make you believe in things that are not facts. You are free to change your therapist if you feel like you need somebody with more experience, there is nothing wrong in that, but it's really up to you. You can either go with your gut feeling or try to analyse things in a neutral way.

To answer your question, I personally think that a good therapist is one that validates your situation and your feelings while actively listening to you and guiding you in the journey. With them you learn essential facts about reality and helpful ways to get better. I also think it's fair to give a therapist at least two chances to prove they can help you.

Hopefully this helps you clear your mind and make a good decision for yourself. I also am very grateful for your kind words about me and my blog, it means a lot to me. 💞

Take care Anon,

Lots of love.

#tea asks #therapy

[girlmeetsliv3]

Lilies of the Valley V

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

      "White is usually associated with purity and heaven. Fresh and crisp, white lilies also represent purity and modesty"

Release Date: 06/01/20 @ 8:40 pm

previous ~ next

           YN felt she was floating, her mind was floating, in and out of consciousness as she fought to gain control over herself but couldn't. She parted her lips to speak, only wails and moans came out instead of words. YN tried again - harder this time - but the same thing happened. She called out for someone, anyone, to hear her but her voice was beginning to fail her. Her body was shaking. No, not her body. Her bones were shaking. YN felt cold, incredibly cold, she tried to cover herself with the comforter but that only made her more uncomfortable. She thrashed and turned trying to get the blanket off, but it wouldn't budge. That only made her cry more. Eventually, she was so exhausted, she fell asleep.

           “Shh. It’s okay. We’re here.”

"Help me lift her, so we can change the sheets."

           “She needs a bath too.”

           No! No bath. Don’t move me. YN tried to talk to them, whoever they were, but they wouldn't listen. Her ramblings were incoherent at best, but in her mind, they made perfect sense. YN cried and complained, she was in pain, everything hurt and they were only making it worse. "Shh. Don't worry it'll be over soon." Something brushed against her cheek and for the briefest of moments, she felt calm but then the pain and discomfort only worsened. The fever was wrecking through her body and there was little anyone could do to stop it. "Hurry up!" It was too loud, it hurt her ears. When she felt the cool of the bathwater, she lost consciousness again.

           There was a crash, a loud one, and a cacophony of yells. Someone was getting closer to her, she could feel it but as much as she wanted to open her eyes they wouldn’t. Her nose was beginning to itch, their scent was too strong. It hurt. YN moaned again and tried to move away, but whoever it was had her locked in their grip. That only made things worse. Cramps began to pass all over her body causing the omega to spasm uncontrollably. They didn’t notice, too busy trying to pry the alpha off her to notice the pain she was in. Only once they had him under control did they notice the fever had returned and she was in a worse state than before.

           “Get him out of here!”

           “All of you leave! Now!”

           The warmth was gone and the room was cool again. Something cold yet soft was trailed throughout her whole body. “Don’t worry. I’m here. I’ll make it better.”

          When YN awoke it was to the sweet scent of raspberries and sugar. She leaned into the scent, wanting to drink more and more of it in. Only when she heard soft giggles and a sigh, did YN finally pry her eyes open. It stung at first all the clarity in the room, but after a couple of seconds, she became adjusted to it. YN felt depleted in every sense of the word but didn't yet know why. Her body ached, the way it might after a strenuous workout and her mind felt numb. It was when her outstretched arms touched skin that YN turned to the side, surprised to see Rosé of all people in her room.

           “Ro!” YN jumped up and embraced her friend. Having felt like it’d been years since they had last seen each other.

           Rosé hugged her back, but her grip wasn’t as tight and her eyes were filled with concern. “I’m so glad you’re okay YN. You had everyone so worried.”

           YN was taken aback, “What do you mean?” YN pulled away and looked into Rosé’s face trying to decipher what she meant.

           Rosé herself looked only more puzzled by YN’s words. “YN,” she spoke carefully as if explaining to a child, “You were in heat.”

           “That’s ridiculous my heat isn’t for a couple more days. I’ve been taking the suppressants.”

"YN, you were in heat. It's been almost a week and it was only this morning that you broke the fever." That didn't make any sense. How had it been a week? The last thing YN knew had been taking her suppressants and heading to bed. Had they not worked? But they'd worked fine for years. Even if it was a faulty batch, her heat wasn't supposed to occur so suddenly. YN didn't know what to say.

           “I’ve never heard of heats lasting that long or being that intense. They're only supposed to last a day or two max. Is that normal for you?” Rosé was wracking her head trying to find an explanation all the while YN sat silent. If I had my heat then that means… “And your mates were so worried. They kept asking me if this was a normal thing, but I didn’t know how to answer. Everyone was so scared YN.” That caught her attention, YN vaguely recalled people around her but she assumed that was a dream. “Did you take care of me, Ro?” The girl shook her head, “I was only allowed to see you today once they were sure your heat was over.”

           “What? Why?!” YN’s anxiety was beginning to rise.

           "It's normal. Mates get protective during heats, plus it wouldn't have been safe for another omega to be around. Could've triggered my heat and then we'd be screwed." This had quelled her fears, if only momentarily, casting a glance around the room YN noticed it was a wreck. Her bathroom door was thrown open and YN could see wet spots on the carpet and floor. Not to mention the basket was overbrimming with dirty clothes and sheets. Her memory of the events was fuzzy, it felt like she had just woken up from a long sleep. "Why are the doors gone?"

           Rosé whipped her head to see where YN was staring, then she smiled apologetically. "Um, apparently you triggered your alphas ruts. They're locked away in the mansion riding it out." So it had been the others who had taken care of her, which put her more at ease. "Where are they?" YN couldn't see anyone standing outside and her nose felt plugged, not allowing her to sense them. "They said they were going to get cleaned up. I'm sure they'll be back soon. They can't stand to be away from you for too long." YN was thankful that there were betas in the group. Though she couldn't see a pack of all alpha's getting along.

           “I’m sorry Ro. Sorry for scaring you.”

           "You don't have to apologize to me. I know how it is. I would talk to them about it though so that all of you can be prepared next time." Right, next time.

           “Don’t worry. This won’t happen again. I probably just got a bad batch.” YN was certain this wouldn’t happen again. She wouldn’t allow it to.

           "Yeah, but haven't you had them for a while. It's strange to get a reaction now. How'd your last heat go?" YN didn't know how to answer that question. Well, she did, but she knew the second Rosé found out the truth it would all be over. "What do you mean?" YN feigned innocence. Rosé tilted her head in confusion, "You know...how long was your last heat? I'm certain it wasn't this long. I don't remember you taking time off." Fuck. The longer she stayed quiet the more concerned Rosé became. “If this keeps happening you have to go see a doctor. It isn’t normal and can be a sign that something is up.”

           YN waved her off, “I’m sure everything is fine. My last heat only lasted three days.”

           “Okay, but when was your last heat?” Rosé had finally landed on the jackpot question. YN’s reluctance to answer only caused her friend to press her more. “I mean I don’t recall you ever getting like this.”

           YN sighed, running a hand through her hair only to find it was greasy and long overdue for a wash. “I haven’t had a heat since I presented Rose.” Her friend remained frozen in shock until YN’s words finally dawned on her. “Are you insane?! Why haven’t you said anything?! That isn’t normal YN! Something is obviously very wrong.”

           “I know it isn’t normal Rosé, but nothing is wrong. I’ve just been using the suppressants.”

           “But they aren’t meant to be used like that. They’re only supposed to control side effects, not fully take away your heat. No wonder you were in heat for so long. Do you realize how reckless you’ve been?! You could’ve died!”

YN rolled her eyes, "You're being ridiculous Ro. I wouldn't have died." Rosé had always been an overthinker and someone of frail health so it made sense to YN that she would react like this. This is partly the reason YN had refrained from telling her friend, the other reason is it was illegal.

           “Your mates told me you reached 41 degrees.” Oh. "Your body shut down and went into survival mode. They were afraid to take you to the hospital because they knew it might worsen your heat." YN had heard of intense heats causing fevers and cramps, but never to that extent. Perhaps, she had gone a bit overboard with the suppressants and her body needed a release.

"I'm sorry Ro. I really am. You're right I was being stupid, but I was scared. I didn't know how to deal with heats and the first time I experienced one I -" She had been about to tell Rosé everything. Confess the truth, but that would only shatter Rosé's perception of YN. Rosé would accuse her of lying and want to end their friendship, she couldn't risk her reputation by being associated with someone like YN. "- I was scared. That's why I did it."  

           “Oh YN.” Rosé pulled her into a tight hug and YN almost wept at the thought of losing her best friend. The person she truly had left. “It’s okay. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Just promise you won’t do it again.” YN nodded, burying her head into Rosé’s neck unsure of whether she was being honest or not. She hoped she was.

           “I’m happy to see you’re feeling better.” True to Rosé’s words the men had returned in ten minutes exactly. Yoongi, Jimin, and Taehyung looked clean and brand new but YN noticed the weary expressions on their faces and the bags under their eyes. Yoongi smiled and went to sit on her bed, the others entered slowly too. Their movements seemed calculated as if they were careful not to scare her.

           “I am, thank you. I’m sorry about the trouble I’ve caused.” She did feel bad and can’t imagine what that must’ve been like.

         “It’s no problem. You’re our mate, it’s our responsibility to care for you.” Jimin stated, eyes warm as he leaned against the wall nearest where the doors used to be.

         Rosé had remained quiet and by your side, but sensing something in the air she excused herself. “I’ll be going now. Sorry for any trouble I caused.” Yoongi shook his head, “You were nothing but help.” Leaning down, she pressed a kiss against your cheek and said goodbye. “Get well soon.” She waved, before leaving for good.

           Once YN was sure she was gone, she turned her attention back towards the men. "Thank you for letting her come. I know it must've been difficult." Taehyung rolled his eyes, "Please if we hadn't she probably would've called protective services on us." Despite his words, his tone was light not meant to be taken seriously. YN simply nodded, unsure of what to say or where the conversation would go. It was Jimin who took the initiative, "You really scared us. Are your heats normally like that?" YN shook her head, "No. I don't know what happened this time. I think I had a faulty batch or something." It still didn't make sense to her.

          "You should stop taking those things. They aren't good in the long term, plus we can always use alternatives." YN didn't know how she felt about that but figured it was better to go along with whatever they said then to start a fight. "Plus," Taehyung added, "You should let us know when your preheat rolls around. That way we can plan." At this YN did oppose, “Namjoon knew though. I thought he would tell you all.” Jimin sighed, “You can’t trust alphas with that kind of information. I’m sure he did mean to tell us, but it happened so suddenly.”

           YN suddenly wondered exactly where all the alphas were and what rolled they played during their heat. "Where exactly are the others?" The betas exchanged a look. "They're in Namjoon's room. It's been so long since we all experienced a heat, so it kind of triggered their ruts." Yoongi explained, looking a bit frazzled with everything. "And the door?" They all visibly tensed, Taehyung stood up from the wall to walk towards the opposite side of the bed. "That was them. Lost a bit of control when you began to call out for us, but thankfully Yoongi managed to make them snap out of it long enough to get them out." Taehyung then laid down on the bed, causing YN to have to move for there to be enough space for the two of them.

        "Don't worry. We'll install new doors by tonight." Yoongi said as he looked disapprovingly at Taehyung.

         YN took a deep breath, steadying herself, and trying to prepare for what she was about to ask. "How did you take care of me?"

           Her question disoriented the betas. "What do you mean?" Jimin asked, coming to rest on the bed near YN's legs. "We changed your sheets, clothes, and bathed you sometimes. We also tried fever medicine, but you puked that up." The men had taken care of her, but that wasn't what she had meant. "No, I know but I mean did you take care of me?"

           The men’s expressions morphed suddenly, their faces becoming stoic. YN didn’t know whether they were upset or not. “No. We didn’t.” Yoongi spoke through clenched teeth. “You were barely conscious.” It hadn’t been what she expected. Perhaps that is why it had lasted so long, they had refrained from aiding her.

            “Oh. I just thought -”

             “Frankly, I don’t appreciate the accusation.” Taehyung’s voice had dropped at least two octaves lower. Even Jimin seemed to be gripping the bedding tightly.

               YN shook her head, raising her hands up. “That wasn’t what I meant. I was simply asking, but thank you. For respecting me.” It was a lot more than others would do in that situation. Especially with a partial bond established.

               "YN," Jimin called her name, forcing her to look at him. "You are our mate. Don't forget it and don't ever suggest something like that again."

               It seems they were trying to keep their hormones under control, for her sake, but YN could feel the anger radiating off them even in her weakened state. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Not knowing what else to do, YN reached out to touch Jimin and Taehyung’s hands while smiling at Yoongi. After a while, the tension dissipated and all of them were smiling. Each for a different reason, however. YN because she had managed to deescalate a potentially dangerous situation and the men because for the first time since knowing each other YN hadn’t denied being their mate.

         New doors had been installed, though these featured a combination lock the other ones didn't. 'For privacy' YN had been told and though she suspected that was not the only reason, she was at least thankful for it. She was also grateful that her tattoo wasn't ruined because of her heat as that would result in a whole other fiasco. The others had most likely noticed it - difficult to miss it was but hadn't seemed to care. Overall, YN was feeling a lot better and though Yoongi had insisted she rest, YN found that difficult to do. She had showered and applied lotion onto her tattoo before dressing and deciding to explore the grounds. Even though YN longed to go out with everyone else locked in the house, she decided that might not be the best idea.  

           As beautiful as the day was it had a draft which had her skipping over the swimming pool. The patio area was pleasant but seemed typical as did the outdoor kitchen. YN walked to where both side entrances were, eyeing the cameras observing her, but found them to be locked. In the end, YN settled on dragging out the large rug in the middle of her room outside to lay near the lilies. The garden was beautiful, reminding her of a simpler time. She watched as the gentle breeze caused the flowers to sway from side to side. With the sun partly hidden behind clouds, YN was warm but not uncomfortably so. The sound of nature around her was like a sweet lullaby which caused her eyelids to hang heavy after a while.

           This is so nice. Once she closed her eyes, her other senses heightened causing her nose to pick up on the soft smell of cotton. It smelled like a mix of eucalyptus and cotton, fresh and relaxing. "Mm. Smells nice." A soft chuckle reached her ears, YN opened her eyes to see Seokjin standing a few feet away from her. Though her primary reaction was to cower away, once she noticed his clean attire and the slouch in his usually straight spine YN quelled her fears away. "Sorry," Seokjin said softly. "I didn't mean to scare you." YN shook her head, she knew what she should do next: stand up, excuse herself, and walk away. But she was so comfortable on the grass and despite what she'd been warned the alpha in front of her didn't seem like he was in a rut. Didn't smell like it either. "I'm glad you're feeling better. We were all worried." Seokjin seemed awkward standing around, but YN didn't make a move to invite him nor did she dismiss him entirely.

           "Thank you for taking care of me." The smile on her face was genuine even if her words weren't the entire truth. Seokjin nodded but refrained from saying anything else. After a couple of tense seconds where both of them stared at each other expectantly, YN relented. Gesturing over to the carpet before shifting over. Seokjin took the same position as her, laying down staring up at the sky. "You're peaceful when you sleep." He commented, catching YN off guard.

           “As opposed to?” She joked trying to lighten the mood.

           “You were restless last week. Barely slept and even then when you did sleep, we were afraid you weren’t going to wake up again.” He spoke earnestly, tone hushed yet somber.

            "Oh," YN didn't know it had been that bad. She trusted Rosé but knew the omega was a worrier. Seeing the frown nestled between her brows, Seokjin reached over and smoothed the area. YN's eyes widening at his actions. "Don't worry. It wasn't that bad, we just were unprepared." Instead of removing his hand, the alpha trailed towards her cheek, cupping it gently. YN angeled her body so that she was facing him better, "The others told me about what happened. Did I really trigger your rut?" YN knew an alpha's ruts could be just as intense and painful as omegas. YN would never purposely want to inflict that loss of control on someone. No matter who they were.

            Seokjin smiled gently, “Don’t worry. It was only really Namjoon and Hoseok who you triggered. Jungkook and I already had our ruts but we decided to help the others, plus we didn’t want to risk it.” YN had assumed that the younger alpha in his lust-filled rage had been the one to tear down the door, or they all did. Never could she imagine Jungkook aiding the betas. “Then what happened to the door?”

             “Ah,” Seokjin laughed a bit, rubbing the back of his neck. “A fight broke out between us about whether we should take you to a hospital or not. Some of us got a bit territorial, things escalated and well… combine that with our ruts and we felt you weren’t safe so we wanted to take you into the house.”

            “To nest?”

           "Kinda. Jimin argued that you would feel uncomfortable if you woke up and were in a bed with all of us, so a fight broke out." A fight between mates? That YN had never heard of. She expressed said thoughts to Seokjin who only shrugged in response, "We're only human. Most of the time we agree on how to care for our mates, but each of us has different coping mechanisms and we were unprepared."

            YN didn't know why but she felt at ease around Seokjin, maybe because the alpha had never not been respectable and aware of her boundaries. Perhaps because he seemed like the only one who didn't place the pack bond above all or even acted like the stereotypical alpha. She felt they could be friends. That was a lot more than she felt for most of the residents in the house. Still, as the day went on and the sun began to set, the two of them remained on the carpet. Basking in the beauty of the day and each other's presence, though none would admit to it. It wasn't until the last sliver of sunlight remained, that their eyes met once more and YN found herself inkling to know him better. Most surprisingly of all, YN wanted to kiss him.

#yandere bts #yandere bts ot7 #yandere bts x reader #yandere kim namjoon #yandere kim namjoon x reader #yandere kim seokjin #yandere kim seokjin x reader #yandere min yoongi #yandere Min Yoongi x reader #yandere jung hoseok #yandere jung hoseok x reader #yandere park jimin #yandere park jimin x reader #yandere kim taehyung #yandere kim taehyung x reader #Yandere jeon jungkook #yandere jeon jungkook x reader #bts au #bts fanfic #yandere kpop #abo bts #abo au #bangtanarmynet #lilies of the valley #lilies of the valley V #lov V #lov #girlmeetsliv3

[thatfanficstuff]

The Light in my Darkness - 5

Pairing: Clint Barton x Reader

Warnings: nope

A/N: A bit of a filler but necessary.

***

You were curled up on the couch in your apartment as you read through the paperwork Clint had given you. Everything was spelled out and straight forward. Not that you expected any less from the man. You tossed the folder down beside you and raked your hands through your hair. Now you were acting as if it was perfectly normal behavior to sign a contract to be someone’s girlfriend. What was wrong with you?

But, still…You glanced around your half-packed apartment and sighed. You were running out of time and didn’t have a lot of options. Live with Maria and work your ass off to maybe go to school next semester. Go back to business school. Or date the man you’ve had a crush on for years. When you broke it down like that, you weren’t certain why you were even hesitating. The decision seemed simple enough.

According to the contract, you were to accompany Clint to any public events and on private dates in public venues. Time spent together was at his discretion and you were to make yourself available. In exchange, he would provide you with an apartment, tuition, a credit card and any other necessary items. To everyone else it was to appear as if the two of you were in a committed relationship. You could not discuss anything you might hear concerning his business with anyone else. The arrangement could be terminated at any time by either party with one month’s notice or immediately upon the development of an emotional attachment.

So, fall in love and it’s over. Of course, that was only if he found out about it. You chewed on the end of your thumb as you stared at the folder. And what about Wanda? Surely, she was going to freak out when you told her you were dating her dad. Or maybe not. Lord knew she teased you often enough about your crush.  

You picked up your phone and sent a text to Clint before you could talk yourself out of it. Just one word. Okay.

Your phone rang almost immediately.

“I’m just verifying that’s a yes,” he said when you answered.

You smiled and rolled your eyes a bit. “It’s a yes.”

“Good. Movers will arrive at your apartment at eight. They’ll pack and move you to the new place. Someone will meet you there with the keys.”

“That was fast.” You were a little stunned, truth be told, and didn’t know what else to say.

“Already scheduled, sweetheart.”

“How could you have possibly known I would say yes? I didn’t know myself until I sent you that message.”

He hummed. “Let’s call it wishful thinking.”

“What are we going to tell Wanda?”

“The truth or a version of it at any rate. That we finally decided to act on our mutual attraction. And don’t try to deny it. You wouldn’t have kissed me like that if there was no attraction.” He sounded so smug. Part of you wished he was in front of you so you could knock him down a peg or two. How you had no idea, but you’d figure it out.

“Okay,” you answered with a quiet voice.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” His tone had dropped to match yours.

“I should feel cheap, you know. I’m basically selling myself for an art degree. But I don’t, not even a little bit.”

“And why is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t I feel worse about this? It seems like if I was a better person I would.”

He sighed and you could picture his frown. “If I thought there was something to be ashamed of, Y/N, I never would have asked you. Don’t overthink this. Just enjoy it.”

Your lips curved into a smile. “Alright, Clint. I’ll try.”

“That’s my girl. Now, get some sleep. You’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

***

The movers arrived at eight, just as promised. By the time they got there you were dressed and ready to go despite only getting a few hours of sleep. You’d tossed and turned the night before, excitement coursing through your veins. At some point, you’d given up on sleep and took advantage of your insomnia to register for your classes. You were signing up late, but as it was your first semester there, you were a little more flexible in the classes you could take.

By the time you figured out everything to your liking, you had classes three days a week. You’d need to sign up for studio time and whatnot but for the most part that was your schedule. You avoided any evening classes as that was most likely when Clint would need you to go out with him.

As the movers swarmed into your apartment, you just stood to the side with wide eyes. They moved like an efficient machine and would have you packed and moved in no time. You got the attention of the one that seemed to be in charge. “Hello, miss.”

You smiled. “Do you guys really need me here? I need to speak with the manager then I’ll grab a cab and meet you at the new place.”

He looked you over for a moment then shrugged. “If you trust us we can meet you there.”

“Clint wouldn’t have hired you if he didn’t trust you. Just be careful with the crates, please. It’s my art supplies.”

“Of course.”

You had one bag that you’d loaded with your valuables that you slung over your shoulder to take with you. Truth was, everything left in your apartment was pretty replaceable. You headed down to the manager’s door and knocked.

Joe answered with a smile. “Leaving us today, I see.”

“Yeah, well…” You didn’t say anything else. You didn’t need to. He knew you couldn’t afford to keep the apartment on your own. “Listen, are you still interested in my car?”

His eyes went widened. “Seriously? How much you want for it?”

Your car had been a graduation present from one of your father’s associates trying to make an impression with him. The mustang could have been a classic, but in your eyes, it was a piece of shit. It had problems from the beginning and was always in the shop. Never mind that the paint job was hiding a lot of rust. Frankly, you didn’t want to sink any more money into it and felt safer walking or taking public transportation. Joe, however, could do most of the work himself and wanted a project car.

You held up the keys and title. “I’ll make you a deal. You can have the car in exchange for my security deposit. Just tell my dad that I left paint everywhere. If he wants pics find some on the internet. He’s never been here so he won’t know the difference.”

He leaned to the side and came back with a checkbook. “You got a deal.”

He wrote you a check for the correct amount and you handed over the keys and signed the title over to him. “Thanks, Joe.”

“Take care of yourself, Y/N.” He was grinning as he shut the door. Well, you’d made his day and screwed your dad out of two grand in the process. He wouldn’t even miss it.

You stepped outside, squinting against the sunlight and pulled out your phone to call a cab.

“Miss Y/L/N.”

You turned to the voice with a frown. Scott Lang stood beside the familiar dark sedan holding the back door open for you. “What are you doing here?” you asked after you walked over.

His lips twitched. “Mr. Barton received notice that you were intending on taking a cab. He sent me instead.”

You shook your head but didn’t argue. Scott was way better than a cab. “Well, thanks.” He shut the door behind you and you settled into the seat.

He glanced at you in the rearview mirror as he drove. “I have your keys to the new place. I am also at your disposal for the day.”

“Doesn’t Clint need you for anything?”

Scott shrugged. “I’m a driver. There’s no one to drive when he’s in the office. If I wasn’t driving you, I’d be sitting in the parking garage reading a book.”

“Once the movers are done, I need a ride to Hawkeye. I need to deliver some things to Clint personally.” Tucked with the other things in your bag were the signed contract and your bill for school that had to be paid by Friday to ensure your place for the semester. You weren’t about to trust either to someone else.

“Can do.”

***

You stayed out of the way while the movers worked occasionally directing them in the placement of boxes and furniture. You’d invited Scott up and he stood beside you, the two of you engaging in conversation to help pass the time. The movers moved everything in even faster than they’d moved it out of the other place and were completely done by noon. That was a testament not only to their efficiency but your lack of belongings as well.

You signed the movers form and tried to tip them but they refused, saying Clint had already taken care of it. After they left and shut the door behind them, you and Scott stood there in silence for a stretch. Finally, he cleared his throat. “You do realize you’re going to have to buy some furniture, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” you said with a sigh. The large expanses of empty space emphasized the size difference between the two apartments. What had seemed just right in your old place made this one look positively barren. “Well, let’s go see the boss. I’ll worry about this later.”

Scott nodded and held open the door for you to exit. He locked the door before handing off the keys which you secured in your purse. Paperwork tucked under your arm, you followed him down to the parking garage still in shock that this was your new home.

#clint barton x reader #sugar daddy au #clint barton fanfiction #hawkeye x reader #hawkeye fanfiction #avengers #avengers au #avengers fanfiction #series #the light in my darkness

[themisterdarcy]

dear darcy,

what’s up? it’s currently thursday, april 30, 2020. we are in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, and north carolina is on lockdown. well, technically. we are actually the worst state in the entire country in pandemic support. there are 1.06 million confirmed cases in the entire country, with 9,948 in north carolina, and 1,567 in mecklenburg county alone. the stay-at-home order is still supposed to be lifted on may 8th, though. that’s next friday. i don’t know how on earth anybody thinks that is a good idea, but the governor has the power in this situation.

school is canceled for the rest of the year, meaning that i have to finish my junior year online. i’m disappointed that i have to miss prom and seeing my friends (especially kai), but i think it’s for the best. nobody expected covid-19 to be this big of a deal, or for the quarantine to last this long. the day before schools closed, my apush teacher, mr. church, told us that he thought the situation was “blown out of proportion” and i quote: “there’s no way that school is going to be canceled.” even when schools closed, we were originally supposed to be back in school by march 30! here we are, a month later, and there’s no end in sight for this crisis.

trump is being absolutely useless, and even detrimental to the effort to contain the virus. he his early information about the virus, and didn’t bother to take precautions, leaving the country unprepared. by the time of the first case, it was hopeless. this week (or last week... time is all running together right now), he actually suggested in a press conference that a way to prevent/cure coronavirus would be to inject bleach/disinfectant into the body, or to illuminate the body from the inside with a uv light to kill the virus. both of these options as said by trump (uv light actually does have some merit to it, but it is in an entirely different context than trump suggested, and still in developmental phases) would be fatal, and aren’t even a solution to the main issue at hand: containing and controlling the spread of the virus.

in my opinion, new zealand has it down. i only know about it because amanda palmer is quarantined there, but they’re getting close to the end of 5 weeks of near complete lockdown. people are not allowed to leave their houses or visit non-immediate family members at all, and parks and public spaces are closed. while it does seem a little like an overextension of governmental power, it’s working. new zealand only has 1,476 total cases. thanks to prime minister jacinda ardern, the entire country has fewer cases than mecklenburg county. yes, new zealand only has a population of about 5 million, while mecklenburg county has 1.1 million, it’s still impressive that a population five times the size has 100 fewer cases. i honestly wouldn’t mind temporarily giving up some of my civil liberties and democratic principles if it meant that covid-19 was knocked out and controlled.

the people who are protesting the lockdowns are quite frankly narcissistic idiots who cannot see past their own ego. yes, staying at home is difficult and boring, but it’s the only way that life has any sort of chance of returning to a form of normalcy. i don’t think things will be exactly the same, nor do i think they should, but i do want to be able to hang out with friends again. i do want to go to school and have my senior year. i do want to be able to move out and go to college when the time comes. the more people disregard reality and ignore social distancing, the longer life will be like this. the protesters are only making things worse for themselves, and the saddest part is that i don’t think they realize this.

i’m writing these letters to future me (that’s you, darcy!) so that i can have a document of my life from the pandemic. also, i want to be able to remember what being 17 was like when i’m older. i do keep a journal, but that’s more for songs, poetry, and breakdowns. screaming into the void of the internet just feels more Official to me. also, i can’t lose a blog. that’s the thing about the internet: it’s forever, for better or for worse.

i think that i will open each letter with a discussion of any updates about the pandemic, focusing mainly on concrete facts and statistics. these are important to document, and i wish i had been recording this from the beginning. maybe i will go back and create a timeline, but i’m not sure yet. that might just be a task for another sleepless night. after the corona rundown, though, i’ll go into my own experiences and thoughts about the events of my life. these will probably be in bullet-point form, since my mind has the tendency to jump around as if topics were trampolines. i don’t know how often i’ll write, but i will try to everyday. every letter won’t be as long as this one, that’s for sure, but i do tend to ramble on. i hope you’re not overwhelmed, darcy.

taking a much needed break from 2020, how’s your life at the moment? i don’t know how old you are, but i’m assuming that you’re in college at the very least. are you and kai still together? i hope so. i really do love them. have you come out to the family yet? have you changed your name legally yet? i need to do that before my college graduation, because i want my degrees to be in My Name. the thing is, i’ll need to come out to change my name, and that is an issue i don’t really care to think about at the moment. how did that go? was it as bad as i expect it will be? have you started t? besides transitioning, how is your academic and career life? i hope to go to the university of texas at austin and double major in physics and music theory and composition. did that happen? if it didn’t, where did you go to school, and did you stick with the course of study i mentioned? i can’t really imagine studying anything else, to be honest. physics and music theory are two of the most intimidating and difficult subjects there are, and they also happen to be my favorite subjects. i love being challenged mentally, and i also like being seen as intimidating. imagine: a punk, non-binary, queer physicist who also writes and performs music. is there anything more intimidating than that? i aspire to be the “scary kid in your physics class.” i want to be an exception.

i’ve written so much already, but i do have quite a bit to get off my chest. yesterday was a weird day, and i couldn’t sleep at all last night, so here we are. this is what being 17 is like:

it is 6:15 am, and i have stayed up all night.

i was planning on getting a lot of work done, but instead i wasted time listening to amanda palmer and browsing the internet.

my dad thinks i took my sleeping pill, so i need to stay quiet in my room until at least 10:00 tomorrow morning so he doesn’t get suspicious.

kai called me today, but only for 15 minutes. they are a month behind in school, and will only get their phone back once they are caught up. i don’t know when that will be, but i am preparing for the worst.

i identify as androgyne, meaning in between man and woman. recently, i stopped feeling like i was faking, though. instead of worrying that i was making it all up in my head, i’ve become confident that i am Androgyne. it makes sense. it always has made sense. when i was little, i asked my father if it was possible to be “half-girl, half-boy,” and i would tell people that about myself. just because i like glitter and riot grrrl doesn’t make me a girl. i am an enby.

this is the song of the night:

i realized today that i have not left the house (excepting switching between mother’s/father’s) in an entire month. at the beginning of this lockdown, i was struggling, but i feel like i’ve adjusted more or less. this feels normal, now. i don’t feel like i’m missing something from my daily life.

10 days clean :)

my sleep schedule is fucked up. dr. kissam has put me on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleep medicine as well as my anxiety meds because she’s concerned by my bipolar tendencies. my manic phases have gotten more intense and happen more often now, and my down phases have gotten worse than they have in a long time. i started hurting again, but i’m trying to stop. i think i have a handle on it now. i did give myself two stick and pokes on monday night, though... does that count? i don’t think so.

i have the deathly hallows on my ankle, and the androgyne symbol on my left middle finger. it looks more like an anchor or a dandelion though. :/ i like them anyways, because they are Mine. My body. My decisions. I Am My Own Person.

during the call today, i felt like kai was distancing themself from me. i don’t know if i’m overthinking a 15 minute chat, but they didn’t seem like their usual clingy, lovey self. i’m worried that they’re going to decide they don’t want to be with me anymore during this time that they are off their phone, but i know that it’s just anxiety. overthinking is my enemy. kai loves me. i love them. we are in a healthy, stable relationship (for the first time in my life!!). they aren’t going to decide to leave me out of the blue.

the song for the kai situation:

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i could just focus on school like a normal person. i have good grades, but i am a Very Chaotic student. if i could just sit down and complete assignments at a normal pace and with consistent motivation, what would i be able to achieve? would i be in a bunch of service organizations? would i be on student council? who knows?! i am darcy, and i am tied for valedictorian while never doing my homework. i don’t know how i do it either.

i’ve decided that i don’t like my confirmation name (octavian) as my middle name. i want to take my dad’s middle name, lamont. darcy lamont wheeler. it’s a super cool name, and it has Significance. our family is directly descended from the lamont clan in scotland. it’s also my grandmother’s maiden name, which i feel like makes sense because my dead middle name was her middle name. poetic justice. symmetry. i have come full circle.

hi! my name is darcy lamont wheeler.

darcy means “dark one.” i really, really like that. i like thinking that i am connected to the somewhat dark and eccentric. like the dresden dolls, or disturbing short stories. darkness adds complexity. nuance. background.

my favorite short story is “i have no mouth & i must scream” by harlan ellison. it is so completely terrifying, so beautifully disgusting, so brilliantly bizarre, so disturbingly ominous, and i have never read anything else that has come close to comparing. i love science fiction, especially dystopian ideas about technology advancing past the point of no return. it’s crazy to me that what could be considered mankind’s greatest achievement is so close to being our downfall.

everybody is awake now, and i hear them in the kitchen. i wonder when i stopped wanting to be awake. matthew and brianna seem to wake up as early as they can and fight bedtime until the absolute limit, as if they want to maximize the hours that they have each day. each morning is a new chance for fun. they don’t seem to resent life yet. i would rather be asleep instead of conscious most of the time. days are uniformly boring and miserable, with the rare diversion. why would i want them to be longer than they have to be? is this depression or is this just growing up? i can’t even tell anymore.

i missed amanda palmer’s birthday livestream yesterday, so i’m going to watch it today. two hours of her and her quarantine buddies sounds like heaven. this woman’s music quite honestly saved my life, and she is the epitome of badass!! i love amanda palmer. i wish i could write songs like she can.

on the topic of the dresden dolls, i asked brian viglione, the drummer, to “prom” as a pretense to ask him about his experiences as a musician, and for advice about how to develop my music. against all the odds, he accepted, so now, on may 9th at 8:00 pm, i am going to facetime with Brian Viglione, drummer for the dresden dolls and the violent femmes, among many others. life? made. i still can barely believe that this is actually happening!!

i came out to my english class, including ms. blaylock on tuesday. everybody reacted really well, and in that class at least, i get to go by my name and use my pronouns. i honestly couldn’t believe that i had the balls to tell anybody besides kai’s family, but i did, and it actually went well! the fact that there are people calling me darcy makes me so happy that i can’t even put it into words. it’s validating. i am darcy. not just when i’m by myself, but in real life. i am darcy.

is it weird that i’m not crippled by kai’s absence? i used to be an unproductive tangle of anxiety whenever mary was out of touch, even for a few hours. i was constantly worried that she was going to hurt herself, or that she was going to leave me. the thing is, even though i am in love with kai and i only thought that i loved mary because she was the first girl i was with, i don’t miss them to the point that i can’t function. i don’t think about them 24/7. i do miss them at times, and i cannot wait until we can talk again, but it’s not an all-consuming thing. i can go through my entire day without talking to them, no problem. night time is a little harder, but that’s because night is always when i go down spirals and rabbitholes. maybe this means that our relationship is healthy? co-dependency is a bad thing, i know, but i don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like since the only other experiences i’ve had (jack, mary, saanchi, rachel) have all been toxic in their own way.

one thing i have learned with kai is the importance of boundaries in a relationship. just because i love everything about them doesn’t mean that it’s healthy for us to share everything. there was a time where we were both in dark places and hurting, and when they shared what they did, it would set me off. the same went for them, i was using them as a journal too often, and the emotional burden had started to affect them. we had a conversation about this though, and established clear lines that we will not cross. it felt good to figure that out. i felt mature, looking out for my own needs and respecting kai’s. isn’t that how a relationship should work?

i love kai.

i’ve written a SHIT-TON. i think this is enough for now, but i might write another letter today. this was cathartic, and i feel like i’ve processed some shit as well as made a record for the future. i hope you weren’t bored or overwhelmed by my novel, darcy. i’m just writing what i feel is important, and i hope it’s still important to you.

signing off,

darcy lamont wheeler

#Spotify

[yogaadvise]

10 Meditation Tips for Ambitious People

Ambition is a splendid trait to have! Ambitious individuals can spruce up an area with their resolution and also excitement. They are normally the ones who motivate others to remain on job and also see completion objective as a certainty. Here's the important things that go-getters typically neglect though: their individual down time and self-care when it pertains to health and wellness, relaxation, and sleep.

It's easy for goal-driven individuals to get swallowed up in the project at hand. This is easy to understand and much of the factor they so usually do well. There is a specific loosen up time that is not just great for you, however likewise good for your objectives: meditation.

You might be assuming you do not have time to sit around as well as meditate or you can't turn off your ideas. The truth is, you do have time-- if you select to make the moment. A reflection technique doesn't need to take a lot of time. Actually, there are some easy means for you to include it right into your active life, no zen room needed.

1. Desk Time

More than likely, you spend a considerable quantity of time at a workdesk. Whether researching, emailing, or invoicing, today's world of work calls for a great deal of tech time. Resting for extended periods can be harsh on your body-- all the tabs as well as jobs can bewilder the mind. Taking a psychological break for five to 10 minutes for a brief reflection can really be productive to the present goal. You will reboot with a more kicked back mind, less tension in the body, and potentially a surprise toward the mission.

Here's how to do it:

Put your computer on rest mode.

Set a timer for five to 10 minutes.

Find your most comfortable placement in the chair.

Allow your arms to loosen up and revolve your neck down as well as about, rolling the anxiety away.

Think quietly to yourself affirmations such as "I achieve success", "I am effective", "I am healthy", "I am a leader." Choose any kind of sentence you would certainly such as and repeat it gradually. After each rep, boost the moment prior to starting the sentence again. If another thought enters your mind, simply observe it, and begin your picked affirmation again.

As you duplicate the affirmations, spend some time to extend in or out of your chair. You can see some chair yoga positions here. Do not concentrate on a complete chair yoga exercise routine, simply a pair suggestions each day.

2. Road Warrior

You're called a warrior for a factor. You have actually combated web traffic, roadway rage, weather condition, lengthy hrs, punctures, and also break downs. The concern is: Were you educated for this? Possibly not. You were educated the fundamentals of driving, yet there is a whole lot more to deal with that how well you handle the wheel. Meditation can be a tremendous aid in battling everything:

Pull off the road.

Turn off the radio.

Hear that? That's your breath that you may not have heard for a few hours now.

Take a couple of mins to breath in and also out your mouth gradually, with objective of filling your lungs. Listen to the sounds of your personal life force.

Before taking off once more, remind yourself that no issue the situation, you are secure. Frequently you end up being quick-tempered with the length of time it can require to obtain from factor A to B. Relax and also remember the amount of more goals can be met when you're unhurt.

3. Team Time

Introducing as well as urging your coworkers to practice meditation as well is effective for every person. Reflection is crucial to the manifestation procedure. If you are all meditating, think of just how much faster and also smoother it will be to reach each objective marker. Your team will certainly be much more patient with themselves, each various other, as well as clients. They will certainly construct an user-friendly process that can aid lower mistakes, rise efficiency, and also provide a much deeper understanding to challenges. This is certainly a win-win for each individual and the team.

Provide them with this write-up, show to them how it is affecting your life, and be a "pointer system" once in a while too. If a coworker states, "hey, did you meditate yesterday?" it aids maintain each other on track.

4.  Visualizing

What is the end goal? Can you see it? Many ambitious people have fantastic vision. Take that into your meditation method. This will certainly aid you manifest the result while you do something fantastic for your health and wellness. This action is extremely simple:

Sit in silence or with songs on a reduced volume.

Close your eyes.

Build the vision in your mind like an art piece, one item at a time.

Enjoy the sight for a couple of minutes. If arbitrary thoughts develop, you may repeat among the affirmations covered above.

If you like to draw, take this step to one more degree as well as draw your vision, which is additionally a form of meditation.

5.  Lunch on the Lawn

Any possibility that you have on your lunch break to obtain outside, take it! Did you know you can practice meditation with your eyes open? After your meal, rest for five mins-- this benefits the digestive tract as well as your mind:

Set your eyes on something in sight: a bird, a tree, or a couple delighting in a date.

Look with intent, making use of the exact same precision you utilize when reading each word thoroughly on a crucial email or spreadsheet. Other than currently, you are in the moment-- your mind is really where you are instead of back at the workplace or running via the manuscript of the next conference. What is occurring right in front of you?

Notice your breath and also the peace of your body as you appreciate this real-life, present moment.

6.  Indoor Elements

All humans enjoy the components. Fire, water, planet, space, and wind just make your soul pleased. Which one is your fave? Beginning there and also bring it right into the office! Do you love fire? You don't need to wait to enjoy it until you most likely to your friend's bonfire evening. There are several, low-cost methods to have a fire, flowing water, or visions of room in your office.

Choose your favorite element to produce inside.

Stop for five to 10 minutes a few times a week to just observe your production. Enjoy each flicker of light or stream of water.

Use different affirmations for each component as you see. Fire may be an improvement declaration as water may be nurturing or cleansing.

7.  Chakra Power

Goals call for greater than just difficult job. Energy behind the work can be more crucial than the quantity of hrs. Our intents and daily techniques of maintaining a greater resonance is the real work. Once this becomes a day-to-day routine, you will certainly observe objectives showing up with even more efficiency.

If you are not accustomed to what a chakra is, read about it here. When overcoming all chakras, begin near the bottom and also function your method up. You might likewise target specific chakras if you're aiming to obtain the take advantage of that area or increase its activity. There are numerous aspects to chakras, but this short article will certainly remain focused on using them for objectives:

Root (Muladhara) Chakra lies at the base of the spine. This chakra is your foundation. You can not construct an empire without a solid structure? This power facility is in charge of your sense of sensation secure, grounded, and stable. When out of balance, you might attempt to manifest from a survival setting subconsciously. A reflection for this area can be done by regarding to the very lower of your spinal column with eyes closed. Picture the shade red as well as imagine your spine connecting to the earth like tree origins. A concept for this location can be, "I am a survivor" or "I am secure."

Sacral (Svadhisthana) Chakra lies 2 inches below your stubborn belly switch. Below is where your creativity comes from, an essential facet while aiming for destination. Maybe you need some innovative brand-new advertising ideas-- this would be your go-to chakra. Shade right here is orange. You will do the exact same meditation technique just like the origin, but utilize the concept of affirmation of something like, "My suggestions are special as well as acquire the interest that is required."

Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra lies two inches above the stubborn belly switch. Right here is where your personal power, confidence and real sense of self-respect emerges. If this chakra runs out balance, you tend to second-guess yourself, hold your head a little less high, as well as overthink the small points. The shade is yellow as well as a great rule would certainly be, "I am powerful by the divine method" "Nerve is my nature" or "Toughness concerns me easily."

Heart (Anahata) Chakra is located in the facility of the breast and the color is environment-friendly. Normally, this chakra is in fee of love, feelings, as well as feelings-- something that is usually rejected as well as castaway in the organisation world. As previous generations were told, it's weak to show feeling. The world may be transforming, yet the programming can still exist. You may feel it is much better to have a "more challenging" exterior at work. This can take its toll on your mind, body, spirit, goal outcomes, physical health and wellness, and also connection to other humans as a whole. Remember, you can be solid, yet caring, reasonable, yet mild. Utilize this mantra: "Real love is constantly the ideal path."

Throat (Vishuddha) Chakra is located in the throat with the shade blue. As an individual with an enthusiastic drive, communication of what you require, desire, and also picture are important aspects of that you are. It's essential to keep in mind that everyone refines words as well as life from their very own perspective. Your sentence may indicate one thing to you, but something totally various to an employee. Focusing in this field will assist with communication to make sure that all recognize plainly, allowing the world to talk via you. A great mantra for below is something like, "All ears hear me with comprehension."

Third Eye (Ajna) Chakra is situated in between the eyebrows with a color of indigo. This chakra is your intuition-- that suspicion is first processed in this field of the mind. If you do not give this location interest on a regular basis, you may begin to permit your questions as well as subconscious to move in, thinking they recognize far better. The intuition is constantly appropriate. This is your personal GPS system to any kind of and also all indications, security, as well as alignment. An excellent rule for the ajna is "I obtain messages clearly, with a reasonable difference of my thoughts versus the presents of my higher self."

Crown (Manipura) Chakra is located above the head with a color purple, often additionally shown as just intense light. This chakra is not only a link to your greater self, but likewise the feeling as well as awareness that you are linked to all things. When you procedure from this location, you aim to develop a globe better for all things on this planet. From people, plants, animals, water, air, and also area, you understand that what you do to one, you do to all. Your objectives and also passions, regardless of how excellent or little, automatically supply a greater vibration for every single creature now as well as to come. In some cases it may really feel as though your dedication to whatever it is you do goes unappreciated. Via regarding to this chakra, you can feel that those around you do not require to see or recognize your initiatives because you can notice numerous that do.

8. Becoming a Vessel

You may have listened to the claiming, "you can not pour from an empty vessel." Numerous enthusiastic people focus so extremely on the goal before them they neglect to refill. This can be dealt with a basic reflection. Whatever it is you feel you need even more of, allow deep space to supply:

Close your eyes and also envision the top of your head like a battery and also a battery charger. Use an aesthetic overview of when you plug in your phone and see the juice begin climbing to the top.

The universe is your power, healing, and also resource of "juice" for all you need.

Repeat a rule right here like "I am ______" (whatever you are wanting to get).

9. Phone Games

Phone games can give a kind of meditation. They need your attention, the rating is unimportant, and also fear or stress and anxiety appear to escape with all the fun. Allow on your own to play a game in times of long term waiting-- at a medical professional's consultation, waiting on the bus, or while children go to soccer practice. Bear in mind having enjoyable is being efficient, too.

10. Guided Meditation

Guided meditations are enjoyable, unique as well as provide endless opportunities. Examine your area for real-time directed meditation occasions or utilize the many possibilities on the internet with apps, YouTube, and also SoundCloud. Several wonderful reflection instructors are available to assist be your voice to make sure that you can simply pay attention and also choose the flow.

As you begin this journey, remember to take your time, experiment with each technique, and see what you like one of the most. Maintain your fave for your basic method as well as miss around when various locations need your focus and also objective. This is all regarding what you desire, there are no regulations to the number of variations you can develop. The top idea is do a minimum of one meditation each day. If you intend to enhance to more times each day later on, that's wonderful, too.

As a person that aspires, it is essential to maintain your focus as well as health intact. If you feel you don't have time, ask yourself: Would certainly I rather take a couple of mins a day to meditate or take weeks dealing with a mistake or recovering from a disease? Meditation has actually been proven time after time to give so much of what we want. Beginning the trip today and also gain the benefits.

Learn how to allow go of battle and also locate minutes of peace within your active life at I am Infinite Possibilities, our unique event led by Deepak Chopra. Learn More.

#ashtanga yoga #chair yoga #guided meditation #healing #meditating #meditation #yoga #yoga positions

[whendoestheaftermathend]

13th March, 2020 // Friday

I think I’m going to lose my mind. I currently have a subtle headache, to start things off with. Meaning, it’s the headache from yesterday—but it’s sort of… repressed or pushed down, not on the surface, but it’s clearly there. I’ll probably be fine if I just get the right amount of sleep, eat healthily, and not take too much stress.

But let’s go back to the first sentence. I think I’m going to lose my mind, or I’ve already lost it. William Lilly said that Mercury is the fastest when he moves at about 1 degree 30 minutes, if I’m not wrong… and my Mercury, is well… its speed is 2 degrees, 34 seconds… so you can just imagine how fast my mind is since Mercury rules over the mind. But also, it puts into perspective—how easy it is for me to get anxious over every little thing, how the reason why I can be so meticulous with my words… or at least, appear that way to others, is because I constantly have anxiety over being wrong, over not citing correctly, over not being knowledgeable enough, not doing justice—enough, I don’t know. It would surprise me if humans fail to understand this. Everyone just needs to listen to my words seriously for a second to completely understand how unnecessarily anxious, my mind gets. It is a mental torture to me. What is the salt to the wound, rather, is the fact that I know that my knowledge isn’t ideally enough, maybe not in the eyes of the people around me, but surely—I know just how much one can know… or I mean, to what lengths one can go, intellectually. I know that if I try harder, I can reach those heights—and have depth to my words—even though, honestly, I don’t need to. I don’t need to go an extra mile just for this. But my mind… my mind tortures me too much, it makes me tick, in a very impulsive and negative way. I wish people would understand that, I wish whoever gets to be my teacher would understand that. I wish I would understand that, even, so that I could be lenient towards myself. I don’t know how to calm myself down… I wish I knew ways to do so. 

I want to cry. I feel like I don’t even have enough inside my head for me to worry this much, for me to cry over it all—even. I genuinely might have imposter syndrome, and I hate it because I don’t know how to tackle it. Words don’t soothe me. Actions don’t either. It’s just numbing the pain for a second until it comes back up again. I repeat, it’s a mental torture. I say I can’t bear it but ironically, I am bearing it seeing as how this hasn’t killed me yet. Though, overthinking can physically kill at times, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how I went down.

I just want others to feel it, I want others to understand it, I want others to truly feel and know what goes on inside my head whenever I’m anxious like this and what it does to my heart… I shouldn’t have to go through this because my purpose in life isn’t even to do anything intellectually—at least, that’s what I feel. I’m not even supposed to do anything meticulous—life purpose-wise, I mean, and yet here I am… crying because I’m afraid to get even the smallest thing wrong, I’m afraid to make mistakes because my mind is too harsh on me… when it doesn’t make sense. Making mistakes… well that’s how you learn. Not being able to meet people’s expectations, the thought of it—petrifying. Though I guess I know, why I’m so adamant at getting everything right—just to get my teacher’s approval. It’s because my own expectations for becoming a good traditional astrologer are very slim… and not very solid. It’s because I don’t believe in myself that I seem to turn over to what my teacher thinks, ignoring my own—approvals and disapprovals… trusting his word and not mine, trying to take his word as a final thing—as if it’s the truth that I should abide by, as if what he chooses to say, sets the potential for me to become a good astrologer or not. God, how fucking pathetic, Sabrina. I thought I was stronger than this. Though I guess, I know why I’m like that. It’s the subject that’s too complex, too methodical and yet—too abstract. You have to remember a lot, and no chart’s ever the same. No placement’s ever the same. Sure, you can generalize the placements here and there, but ultimately, every chart is so unique and so different, that it’s like you’re reading a chart for the first time ever. Natal Astrology deals with people and their lives… it scares me to not do them justice, or provide them a fair reading. It scares me to get things wrong when reading for them because there’s so much prejudice about Astrology out there and I don’t want to contribute any more hate towards it because there’s already so much of it out there. I suppose though, astrology doesn’t care haha. It really can’t give a fuck and yet here I am, clearing losing it over wrecking its already damaged reputation. The world is too cruel to give the student a chance to freely learn and grow from their mistakes, the world that surrounds me, to be more precise. 

and my mind. My mind. My mind doesn’t think I remember enough, do enough, learn enough, it doesn’t. It’s too fast, remember? It’s faster than what normally one can handle. So while I can know that I should at least applaud myself for knowing something at least—my mind’s always the one to tell me, “no, you need to know more, this is nothing.” In the eyes of the many—it’s everything, everything else that I need to learn, to know, to do, just might be for extra credit or me being too “assiduous and meticulous.” 

and I guess I’m afraid of someone else other than my mind, supporting what my mind says—harshly to me. I’m afraid of it all being real, because it sounds so much closer to reality because reality is so negative whether we like to admit it or not.

But this is so wrong lol. I don't want to be told a bunch of sweet nothings, either. I want the truth; I want to be honestly told whether I’m right or not. It’s just, my heart’s so weak that it can’t take it when it comes to astrology. It hurts because I’m extremely passionate about astrology. It hurts to see me have constant panic attacks over the subject that I love all because of this. I chose a subject that is complex to begin with, that I’m doomed to fail in over and over again just like—every other, good and bad—astrologer out there. They said traditional astrology wasn’t for the faint-hearted. They weren’t wrong, but my reasons are purely different than what they had in mind when they said that. Dear God, please give me the strength to get through this, to reconcile with my mind, to get past this—to have a strong heart, to be thick-skinned. Otherwise, surviving in this world, in general, is going to be super hard for me. I already feel like I wasn’t made for this world…

So right, I don’t believe in myself, and my mind can provide logical reasons as to why. But even those logical reasons shouldn’t be the reasons why I stop. People with debilitated Mercury in their chart are skilled astrologers. It would be stupid of me to stop. For my mental health, I can probably put studying it on hold, but even then, it would feel like me running away. I guess that’s why I went ahead and submitted my assignment today even when I planned on not doing it because I knew I’d end up like this. But the thought of prolonging it—the thought of not being able to think about it even, just made me feel so guilty and so disappointed in myself. I felt like I was running away and not facing the situation at hand, properly. Now, given the circumstances I’m in currently, sure, I can be excused for running away, especially since this sort of thing… is really not that big of a deal compared to the life-and-death situations people I know are facing. If anything, this should be the least of my worries. Even then… even then, knowing it would be fine, even then—my mind was not having it… I wasn’t having it, either. “I don’t expect myself to be good even though I really want to be good at astrology… so I want others to recognize the potential and the capability in me that I can’t, for them to say it as if it were a fact,” –probably what my heart thinks, but even then, this is so risky. People’s feelings and thoughts are so fluctuating. Who are they to decide whether I’m good at something or not? Even if they’re in the field I’m studying? Even then? Logically speaking, their words have some weight on them, knowing they are experienced and what-not, but even then… whatever they say, isn’t an “end” point for myself—for what I want to be.

I’m trying to convince myself. But it seems nothing gets through to me.

It’s funny, isn’t it? I’ve cried, panicked over this, and yet my teacher probably has no idea that I’ve been a mess during our concise email conversations. as if I don’t get anxious enough on my end, for myself already, my mind decides to get anxious just because he didn’t properly read my messages and didn’t reply directly? Even when I specifically stated everything—properly? That’s not something I should get anxious over. I do feel like I have a genuine problem concerning all of this. I just don’t think people are willing to take me serious.

He has yet to check my assignment though. I’ll know his thoughts by the end of the day. The stupid thing is, he hasn’t even said anything negative to me. The positive comments, being told that I’m one of his greatest students—really makes me more anxious because I’m afraid to disappoint even more so because my mind is convinced that I’m doomed to disappoint because remember? I don’t believe in myself. I hate my mind. I hate it so much. I probably shouldn’t hate it if I’m looking to reconcile with it and sort my life together but still. I’m so frustrated, give me a break, already. No, I don’t want to be indifferent, but I also don't want to be a mess like this, all the time. It never ends. The worrying, the anxiety, the panic, it never ends. 

If he says something positive, I become happy, reassured for a second but then I start doubting him the very next (second)—I pray that he doesn’t say anything negative today lol, but I’m afraid of how I’ll react if he ever does. I hope he doesn’t. I seriously hope he doesn’t. I won’t react explosively on the outside, of course. I’ve never been the type to be like that, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because exploding internally—suffering internally, whilst on the outside, appearing as if I’m fine, and composed—is the most annoying and isolating feeling ever. But hey, let’s hope for the best. 

I’m so sorry. I’m so into this… aren’t I? I’m not looking at the big picture, this thing’s gotten me so absorbed. I have so many flaws I need to work on. This, surely, being one of them. I pray for more wisdom… actual, useful wisdom, for my mind to be more open-minded.

#blog entry

[gloieee]

Times Flies ?

Time is flying by so fast. Things feel like an eternity ago, yet at the same time, I can’t believe it’s the end of November, that it’s been 4 months since med school started, that it’s been [X weeks/ months] since some other big event in my life (which 2019 has been FILLED with). It seems time is going by faster than ever. I wonder if I’ve written about this before. Since 2018, life has just zipped by.

Belated interjection from 11/29, *To a certain degree I feel as though 2019 has been the most dynamic year for me, yet also one with the most internal changes. At least, the internal changes don’t necessarily line up with the external changes that have happened. They’ve been ironically out of sync—mundane, farcical events have led to large scale, disproportionately catastrophic changes in my values and life decisions. With all the emotions I’ve been feeling, I’ll likely write more on how I feel about 2019 later (once I (hopefully) pass my block and head back home for 2 weeks), but I will say, contrary to how I’ve felt at certain points, it’s been a great year. It’s funny to say it, because I do think I feel this way because my years prior sucked so much—thinking back to the years (literally) of one medical crises after another, romantic tragedies and toxicities, extreme uncertainty, horrible living situations and insane schedules, and emotional losses, I do think my Korean “3 years of Catastrophe” (although it felt like slightly more) has truly passed. And it feels damn fucking good. What happened this year seems more-or-less natural, normal tribulations of a mid-twenty something-year-old grad/med student with a lot of feelings, and I am so very grateful for that. (If I pass this final, which I’m genuinely afraid for for the first time in my life), I really do think everything will be fine.

In theme with the rush of time, the songs I’ve been listening to lately have been more about the vibe than the lyrics; more of an intense, fleeting sentiment rather than a deep, heavy rumination of the lyrics.  It’s been the kind of songs that zip by as you just bop your head running errands (or more rarely, study) or do some silly squiggly dances to as you rush to a social gathering/ meeting that will inevitably wreck you. Which is in a bit of a contrast to my previous posts. I think it makes a lot of sense given my state of mind. This is really the way I prefer myself to be—although, it’s hard for me to maintain long-term. Unfortunately, I’m often in this state only when I’m not dealing with real things, or issues of consequence in my life. But maybe one day, I’ll feel light and superficial even as real shit occurs. Not sure whether I want that, but just saying, maybe.

I was exalted when I discovered myself singing These Days by Mike Stud in my head, cause my very rare (if I do say so myself), horrible taste in a random ass song hits again. It brings me such giddiness. It’s Girls Love Beyonce and Drake 2.0. I don’t know if “Stud” is his real last name, but the brute tackiness and appropriateness of the name makes me snort. This song, which strikes me as having very low production value, maybe unironically, sums up “these days” for me very well. I love how non-committal he is, how he contradicts himself constantly, how he sounds like he’s just singing from a makeshift home studio in a garage that doubles as a bedroom cause it has a mattress on the floor, but is still so confident with it.

These Days- Mike Stud

Hell nah I ain't sleep today but I'mma be okay Miss my family on the east, but fuck it I can't leave L.A (It’s funny how I also miss my family on the east, just so much further)

Like, what's next, what's that, what's up I just wanna chill, drink, smoke, fuck Somehow you hot as hell but still cold as fuck

Bad bitch my only type, independent too, get it boo Just promise me you won't let all the bullshit they say get to you

I've been doing great I guess I can't complain I don't think about yesterday Every move is calculated, this shit ain't no guessing game

How many come ups until it's destiny How many come ups until it's meant to be I hear them talking, that don't get to me That ain't shit to me, same dude, different dream This is me

If you really wanna know, these women, man they come and go Cause one minute she's the one, the next you really never know

With so many things, I feel like they come and go. Time has been crazy, and it’s really beginning to feel like I’ll just really never know what’s in store. Not in any dramatic or negative way. I think before, when life was throwing shit curveballs, I (may have) thought once that stopped happening, I might be in a “stable place.” At least, I yearned to have some certainty in life. I’m realizing that my life is pretty stable for the first time ever, but that there still isn’t too much certainty. At least, I’ve been strongly yearning for certainty yet again these past few weeks and months (albeit in a different way than before). I’ve been thinking so much about my future, my career, my relationships for a while, and it struck me how little I know about what I want. Or how often what I want changes, but also doesn’t. It’s the most bizarre thing. I guess that’s the definition of “one minute [he/she/it] is the one, the next you really never know.” BUT, I think I’m becoming okay with that.

Another theme that has been recurrent is, I want to be bad lately (I suppose), as Mike and Still both elude to. But not actually bad—I think healthier in some regards, but bad from certain perspectives. It’s an arbitrary definition of “bad” though. I’ve always embraced being “bad” to a certain degree. As Mac says in Dunno: “She do whatever she like, and that just don’t seem right. Make people so mad, they want it so bad.” Now that I think of it, bad is such an interesting word to me. I feel like I’ve had a lot of thoughts about this before, that I can’t quite retrieve. I feel so much more emotionally stable inside though. Maybe that’s the definition of being bad to the core though, doing better when you’re doing objectively “worse” things. I’ve been feeling a bit like I have to let myself be bad to be good in certain regards—get shit done even if I don’t truly want to, try to explore these careers in a practical way, find an appropriate in. Be selfish about my time, let myself compartmentalize my indulgences to concentrated more intense, non-committal, millennial highs. There’s a certain duality to my days lately.

(But as an aside, I do think that when I’m single I’m less “wholesome.” It’s a bit of a disturbing thought, but I am less disciplined for the right reasons, less earnest for the right reasons. I always have more cravings for vices. It’s very odd because, it’s not at all like the people I’m with have less vices and prevent me from doing things, nor is it that they have SO many that I feel the need to be their savior. I just genuinely don’t think of it as much. I don’t think I’m less happy when I’m not in a relationship, since being in a relationship has often brought with it such heavy, distressing concerns, but I seem to indulge in things that I def don’t feel like I need when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like the connotations of this, but I’m noticing it so much that I’m single and also living alone again. Maybe it’s not just romantic relationships but the idea of a deep, somewhat binding relationship—since I didn’t feel this when I was in Korea. But then again, the options to indulge were much less in Korea. Honestly, I’m probably fine, I just overthink my “vices,” when they are entirely at a manageable level—but who am I kidding, I overthink always.)

A lot of the songs I’ve been listening to are disjointed, slight stream of consciousness, with a funky, breezy melody. Prime example Habit- Still Woozy:

I could let you have it You could be my habit You could be my woman, right I don't want you havin' My little one She is so bad Bad as the sun Well she break me then I fall I don't know the half of it anymore Yeah well, I could give a fuck about you She can get whatever she need Every time that she looked at me You know I felt weak in my knees

Funny how “still woozy” has been my dual state alongside (recently) extremely focused these past few weeks. I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but I vaguely vibe with it. Habits, I’ve been thinking about them a bit again. Some habits I want to break, some I’m starting up again. Sometimes I feel like I just replace one habit for another—and despite the textbooks, I think it’s very effective for me. Don’t we all need a habit? (throwback to Andre and his “habit to call”) But maybe I just don’t know the half of it anymore, and I’m saying nonsense. Despite my conclusion-less thoughts, I also could hardly give a fuck; they could really get whatever they need, it wouldn’t bother me. Finally is a strong word, but for lack of a better word I feel like finally, I’m in a good state of not caring too much; I’m just vibing and enjoying and appreciating some things in a measured way.

Too High (feat. Jesse)- Goody Grace

I love ridin' through the city with you Hear you talk about your silly issues, oh You drive me wild, oh—oh And babe, I wanna smoke and Fall asleep on your floor Tell me if you're alright Did I get ya too high? Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe And if he finds us, I swear I won't have a clue what to say

I don’t really resonate with any of the lyrics in this song (well not any—I guess I don’t resonate with the sentiments of the song) but for some reason was listening it to it on repeat. I love the slow, distinct strums of the intro, it just hits a chord with me. I love their voices, especially when they sing “Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe”. This line always makes me chuckle, cause I think of my own father, and totally do agree that that’s how he would feel about a lot of things in my life (he’s such a wonderful, kind man though, bless his heart—who I’m beginning to appreciate so much more as I grow older). They sound just so genuinely sweet and earnest as they talk about wanting to smoke with this girl they really like, which I think is such an endearingly gen Z combination. I can really tell how much he wants to smoke (with this girl) through his soulful falsetto and there’s something so comforting about a vice being so casual and sweet. Something so incredibly light about it. So little consequences. So not serious, such fleeting genuineness, and I really appreciate that right now.

Switching it up to something a bit more serious and moody, Girls in the Suburbs Singing Smith Songs (feat. G Eazy) by Goody Grace. (Lol at G-Eazy, I do like his songs but I just can’t ever take him seriously. His lyrics are just so corny a lot of the time, like middle school standard of cool). I’m quintessentially and literally a girl in the suburbs singing Smith songs on the regular, so I do feel a little targeted.

She don't hit me up anymore, no Things that were fun just ain't fun anymore, no Six in the morning I know I should go home But I'm High as fuck and the clock's screaming tick-tock Girls in the suburbs singing Smiths songs I know that it's wrong I don't know what I'm doin, but

I love how he admits that he knows singing Smith songs in the suburbs is wrong, haha. Indeed, it’s one of those activities that seem innocuous but are totally not. It’s never good if you’re belting to the Smiths as they sing Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now. And the Pixies (drunk off whiskey). I do it all the time of course. I love how new-age/throwback emo this song is.

Maybe one day it'll all make sense But I just don't know when And it feels like the end And all of my friends Said That I should get my mind off of the wrong things (I should probably tear off all my heartstrings You can’t pull them no more) Maybe one day it’ll all make sense

This is also such a real, emo sentiment that I’ve felt and feel so often. All of my friends. Too many of my friends. I do love how there’s really no conclusion to what he’ll actually do. All conjecture, because that’s really how it be most of the time. Maybe, maybe one day it’ll all make sense.

While we’re on this path of somewhat heavy inquiries, this song was my one and only for a while a few weeks back, again without any clear reason. Again, listening to the vibe of a song without really caring about the lyrics, except with the opposite emotional valence from the other songs on this playlist

Skydive II (feat. 6lack)- Boogie

You pull up with no warning, uh This the season for us growing Let's go deep in the unknown then, uh But by evening we'll be mourning You leave me with no warning, uh Look at you lettin' the cold in No, I ain't movin', I'm frozen, No, I ain't bitter, I'm broken, At least you could give me a warning

Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene? Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me? Anything, anything

You clouded my judgment, uh Talkin' bout stayin' in I blame you for being petty and Tellin' me pull up when you ain't ready and All the dates that you didn't bed me But we don't go 'cause The going out get weird and Come to the understanding We can't overcome them fears, with Without them to start clear (Haha)

But how will I know if I fell in love? You're making it cold Could've sent me a text alert Could've lit off one of them little red flares, smoke in the air Somebody somewhere noticed the color Heart starts to stutter, flutter Mother, sky, I'm listening to Young Gunna

Ugh 6lack strikes again. His lines don’t even make sense most of the time, but I feel like I get it exactly, like he gets it exactly. “Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene?/ Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me?” This reminds me of Biking by Frank Ocean. Bargaining with God or some larger being, except less intensely so. Just a little exasperation—along the lines of saying “could’ve sent me a text alert,” “tellin me pull up when you ain’t ready.” It’s the more casual, less serious version of Biking, and that’s exactly how I feel (embodied by that laughter after stating something serious). I feel like this song has been a lot of this year for me—constantly conflicting sentiments and progression of events (you pull up with no warning, we say it’s time for some growing and so we go deep in the unknown, but then you leave with no warning). But I ain’t bitter; tis still the season for us growing. I love how there’s again no real conclusion—the song literally ends abruptly, calling upon those higher beings and telling them they’re just listening to Young Gunna. I guess that’s literally me—all these thoughts and fleeting realizations, but at the end of the day I’m just listening to some tunes.

All I really got is Georgia on my mind, not really anything else. Georgia by Kevin Abstract is a little more similar to Still Woozy. A little stream of consciousness, fast pace, disjointed tidbits.

I got Georgia on my mind, ain't nobody left behind It's just me, my team, my weed, my baby's Audi parked outside Call my mom and let her know that everything is alright

Smoke and fuck, we high as hell We gon' love each other, we let the night derail Only time will tell, I'm under your spell I lay on your chest, you wonder what's next I love when you breathe, it make me reflect

I'd get my ass whipped, I learned my lesson

Smoke and fuck, I do let the nights derail a lot, I reflect. Not exactly as Abstract says, but I guess some similarities. I do call my mom and let her know that everything is alright. And I do really think it is. I definitely got my ass whipped, for sure. Hopefully I’ve also learnt my lesson too.

I finally found peace, I suck when I get it I see worth in myself, I won't run away again I'm prayin' for my friends, they prayin' this won't end But I know it does, just like all things In the end, it's just me and my mood swings

The conclusion is hilarious and amazingly apt. I do suck when I find peace sometimes. Good things and bad things all end, just like all things. In the end, it’s just me and mood swings!!! Has anything summed me up more?

Netflix and Dusse- Smino

I got a pizza on the way, bae, bae I'm tryna lay, lay Lil' lady, ayy, I brought a bouquet of the treefer And I'm feelin' like we should d-d-duck away Netflix and Dusse And if I do say so myself, that ass a creature

She make me-e-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-----

Shawty text that, "Come swoop Better yet come soon

Yah-ga-da-be-da-mm-dye (dye, dye-dye)

Last but not least (or actually yes), an honest funky bop of how I feel. He’s basically just making funny noises and that’s me all the time. I’m so so into Smino again. He’s so smoke and chill and be funky and silly that I’m getting the wrong rep from some people, but I can’t help but be into his perfect mix of moody vs. chill vs. vibey. This absolutely inconsequential fun dissipates the confusion & seriousness & (sorta) peace of the previous tracks. It’s a tongue-in-cheek palate cleanser, and it’s exactly how I’m living my actual days.

11.26.2019/ 11.29.2019

[bluesky8394-blog]

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